My g-cup boobs are not feminine and do not become so when I put them in a bra. My wide hips are not feminine and do not become so when I put on a skirt. My body hair is not masculine and does not become so when I choose not to cut it.

Only I determine if my body and clothing has a gender and I emphatically reject gender for all my clothes, all my grooming and self-decoration, and all my accessories. There is no gender in or on my body and if you see gender here, it's because you're wearing gender-coated glasses.

Actually, my boobs are one source of big dick energy for me so *shrug* cogitate on that

Asking someone "are you a man or a woman?" is as illogical and leading as asking "what is your favorite flavor of ice cream, chocolate or vanilla? Circle one." When you ask a question and specify only two possible answers, almost no one* (statistically speaking) will choose an answer not given. But this is how people ask the question about gender, if they ask it at all.

Also, if you ask people "what is your favorite flavor of ice cream? Check one: chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, praline, coffee, blank," you will definitely get more answers than just "chocolate" or "vanilla" but people will still mostly choose from the options given, even if that list doesn't make sense to them.

By framing the question in a way that makes being specific more work, you increase the barrier to being specific. Also, social desirability implies that anything on the list is more desirable than anything not important enough to be on the list.

So instead of making their own answer, many people will choose the one that is closest. For example, people whose favorite is rocky road may choose chocolate. Or maybe their favorite is a very unusual flavor that most people are unfamiliar with, so they choose the one that is closest while still being familiar to others. For example, my favorite ice cream of all time was Sheer Bliss pomegranate dark chocolate chip ice cream, but it is no longer in production and I have hated every other pomegranate ice cream I have tried, so I never mention it -- I just tell people my second favorite, which is not even a fruit flavor.

People will also take a cue on the range of acceptable options from the list -- for example from the list of five I mentioned, they may think that only single-flavor ice creams are being compared, so choose "coffee" because "mint chocolate chip" is a blend of two flavors. Similarly, I think many people initially describe themselves as "man" or "woman" because they felt like they had to pick the one that was closest, rather than define their own category. We choose from what we feel is the acceptable list of options and for many people that list is extremely short.

I am confident that if we stopped asking binary questions or asking people to choose from a short list, we'd find a much greater variety in the ways people identify, and a greater number that identify outside of the binary.

*I have loads of non-binary, neurodivergent, and artist/writer friends so I know this isn't true for most people who read me, but most people in the general U S population will not make their own line and write in their own choice!

There is no way to exclude oppression by sorting according to identity. There is no space that is safe for all people in it no matter how specific you get, because oppression is such a tangled web of interconnected forces.

I face oppression for being trans, queer, ADHD, autistic, hard of hearing (auditory processing disorder), anxious, depressed, non-binary, lower class, read as a woman, and fat. I face marginalization for being femme and gender-non-conforming, non-monogamous, and atheist. Not a single one of these identities would provide safety for me as a shared-identity group.

In trans-only spaces, I have faced classism, ableism, sexism, binary-ism (believing that non-binary is not real), thin supremacy, and marginalization. In queer-only and fat-only spaces, I faced all of those plus cis-centrism. In fat-only spaces, I have faced all of those. In non-monogamous, femme, and atheist spaces I have faced literally all of the isms that exist for me.

Non-binary spaces have been a safer space for me because anxiety, depression, autism, ADHD, and being poor are normalized, and of course non-binary people are affirmed as real, and straight cis people are not centered. However in non-binary spaces there is STILL a normative expectation of a "body journey" involving specific medical steps; there is a pattern of AMAB people feeling unwelcome or alienated due to being tokenized; being femme is devalued; and other oppressive forces like racism, ableism, and thin supremacy are present. Everyone is assumed to be non-disabled when it comes to sensory or motor disabilities. I have noticed that the thinner, white, masc-aesthetic AFAB people are more likely to speak up and come back and I feel like that means we are not providing enough sense of community to fat people, AMAB people, femme people, and people of color.

Disability justice has been a safer space for me because depression, anxiety, autism, and ADHD are normalized, and often being poor is normalized as well (but almost as often, classist assumptions are made). But there is still a lack of effort on the part of sighted, hearing people and people who do not have mobility or dexterity disabilities to make sure that all resources are accessible. There is still a stigma against people with cluster-B mental health diagnoses. Cis-centrism, sexism, and thin supremacy are common.

A lot of cis people can be accidentally hurtful and exhausting to be around due to their ignorance of trans-ness, but I have friends who I forget are cis, because they have put in real effort to unlearn habits that center cis people. And I have known people who are trans who make me feel incredibly unsafe because they want to enforce some kind of trans identity standard.

A lot of men enact oppression by talking over others, dismissing people, expecting to be served, etc, but I have friends who are men who are much less likely to do this than many women I know. That is because this behavior comes from being part of the dominant class and is just most OBVIOUS in men (where it is celebrated).

I have never felt safe from sexism in a women-only space, not to mention the lack of safety from cis-centrism and binary-ism. And I have read from many Black women and other women of color who have said that women-only spaces that include white women are usually (if not always) unsafe for women of color.

I do think that having groups where everyone shares an identity can be very healing and is absolutely necessary when that identity is devalued or erased. But there is no escape from oppression, and the illusion of escaping it only exists for those who are the most privileged in the space.

Instead of framing a shared-identity space as a safe space where people can be "free," I want us to frame them as a safer space where everyone is as open to recognizing difference as they are to recognizing sameness. I want safer spaces to be places where expressions of oppression are called out with the goal of everyone learning and growing, and the understanding that everyone needs to learn about their own privilege and change.

The other day I was waiting in line at a store when a stranger attempted to strike up a conversation with me:

Stranger, abruptly: "what does the button on your purse mean?"
Me: "oh, it is a symbol for trans pride*"
Kindly stranger, smiling: "oh cool, my daughter is trans!"
Me: *smiles awkwardly*
Kindly stranger: "that's really cool, I like that."
Me: *smiles wider and nods* "thank you" *hastily buries self in phone*

I wanted to say more. The stranger had two elementary-age kids with them and I felt glad that the kids could be themselves. Wish I could have thought faster and said something meaningful like, "thank you for being an accepting parent. It makes a world of difference." But in that moment, it was all I could do to engage as much as I did.

There was a time about a decade ago when I would have responded by making eye contact, asking questions, and offering resources including my contact information. I would have been thinking about what that trans kid might need and what the parent might not have access to. I would have felt in my element and found the conversation easy.

But now, what I felt was just extreme overwhelm, as if lights were flashing and sirens were going off and I was being pulled in one direction and pushed in another. Part of it was from standing with my back to most of the store, part of it was feeling stressed about being next in line and not wanting to annoy the cashier, part was the overhead noise, and part was a piece of me saying "wow you have zero self-preservation instincts -- what if they hated trans people" and then the other part of me arguing back.

I feel such a sense of loss at current me's feckless response to this opportunity to offer potentially life-saving resources to a trans kid. I was just so thrown by how unexpected it was that in such a sensory-overload environment, I couldn't even process what was happening. I replied on auto-pilot and had to delay my emotional and mental response to the meaning of what the person was saying in order to simply absorb the literal words. I didn't make a conscious choice to say either of the two things I said -- they just popped out.

I couldn't really cope in the moment with an unexpected, completely novel experience in a loud, busy environment. But now that I have had that experience, I will be prepared for it to happen again. I will make up a sheet of local resources and try to let that be my touchstone and conversational foundation if someone says "my [friend/relative] is trans." I can ask how plugged in they are to the community and if they would like some resources. I can hope that something like this happens again and when it does, that I can be effective and useful in my response.

*it is actually a symbol for a gender and sexuality minorities conference which no longer seems to exist, but I used a shorthand without thinking

Content note: gendered assumptions about body parts

Androgyny is a concept I had always found appealing because I thought it could be a way to break down the gender binary, but it isn't because people refuse to recognize androgyny that isn't one of these two things:

1) "masculine" clothing on someone with body qualities that are stereotyped as feminine, such as breasts that protrude from the chest or hips that are wider than the waist.
2) "feminine" clothing on someone with body qualities that are stereotyped as masculine, such as flat-chestedness or dark/long facial hair.

This is fucked up because your body should not be considered a marker of your gender (or lack thereof!). But not only is your body considered a gender marker, some parts are considered so gendered they cancel out everything else. Take me for example.

My appearance includes these cues which are considered "masculine":
*I don't shave my armpits.
*I don't shave my legs.
*I don't ever wear concealing makeup or "neutral" makeup, and don't wear makeup more often than twice a month, max (usually less).
*I don't wear a variety of shoes: I have one or two pairs.
*I wear black tie-up sport shoes exclusively, never heels or flats. I choose them based on practicality.
*I don't style my hair: most days I braid it and that is all the attention it gets. Many days I literally do nothing to it.
*half of my head is shaved.
*I don't wear necklaces or bracelets.
*I don't wear perfume or ever use sweet-smelling hair products or scented laundry detergent.
*I never wear clothing designed to flatten my belly.
*I do not pluck the long, dark hairs on my chin, nor the short dark hairs on my upper lip.

And the cues which are stereotypically considered "feminine":
*I wear skirts most days, and dresses a few times a year.
*I wear bras.
*I wear form-fitting tops.
*I wear colorful clothes.
*My long hairs are longer than ear length.
*I occasionally wear makeup or dangly earrings.

Looking at these cues, if people considered everything, I would be considered androgynous if not masculine. But people do not consider all cues, they just look at my boobs and think they can assign my gender based on their size and the clothing I put over them.

So in my mind, "androgyny" is just a reinforcing of the gender binary by cross-matching body assumptions and clothing assumptions. It's just two sets of binaries: one for clothes and one for bodies. It's a gender uniform based on your body qualities, and I don't like it.

I have a dirty little secret to share about the queer world: it's just as misogynistic as the straight cis world, and even more femmephobic. At least among straight cis people it's fine for one group of people (women) to be femme, but among queer people (at least, white southern queer people), being femme whether you're afab or amab makes you undesirable or simply rejected as not real / not belonging. A common disclaimer on gay hookup ads is "no fems." (along with "no fats" "no Asians" "no blacks" because white gay cis men are every bit as disgusting as white straight cis men)

When I was a brand new baby queer, fresh out of a marriage to a straight cis man, I was completely devoid of queer friends or indeed, pretty much any friends. I came into contact with this group of queers and I fell in love with their sense of interconnectedness and I wanted to be part of that group so badly. I tried so hard to be friends. I was wide open to learning and willing to do far more than my fair share of the work.


But none of them wanted to be my friend. They never invited me to anything and the few people willing to spend time with me didn't find my company appealing enough to ever try to spend time with me on their own initative. Every time I spent time with one of them (except once), I had to drive an hour in my rickety, 20+ year old car down to their house or a place walking distance from their house because that was the only way they were willing to even see me, despite the fact that most of them had cars and lived near a public transit line.

If it was one person or even two people, I would have said oh well, they just don't like me. But there were at least five of them I actively tried to connect with, to varying degrees, and they all reacted the same. As soon as they learned where I lived, their willingness to invest in me dropped to zero (and it was low already). And the reason I lived where I lived (same as now) is because I couldn't afford to live in the city. Because you have to either be well-off, or know people who are willing to split a house with you. So they rejected me in large part because I couldn't afford to live in their neighborhood.


I'm also pretty damn sure that a huge part of why they rejected me was because I refused to wear the queer uniform. As a person with large breasts, wearing skirts and sleeveless clingy tops is not up to queer uniform code. It's too "straight"? too "gender normative"? (I laugh at this idea because no straight person dresses like me)

Femmephobia is real, and intense, especially in white queer middle/upper class circles in the south (apparently up north, masc is the uncool presentation). I remember someone approaching me about being femme and I didn't know what that meant and thought they were calling me feminine and I got very upset, partly because it felt like them affirming that I would never be accepted by queer society. Now I understand what it took to approach me, and why they did it, and I wish I had understood and taken that chance for connection.

I remember feeling immense pressure to change my look. I bought a binder, put it on and hated it thoroughly, instantly, and never wore it again. I cried because I felt like it damaged me in the 15 minutes I had it on. ...Wow I had never drawn the connection between the pressure I felt from those queers (nearly all of them masc) and buying a binder... I feel so bad for baby-me, so worn down by expectations and so lonely for a sense of community that I was willing to betray myself in an effort to become acceptable. My breasts have been one of my favorite parts of my body since I grew them, but I was willing to give them up in order to be accepted.

Being rejected by the entire group broke my spirit. It was first chance I had at in-person community ever in my life, because I had never had that in my family or in school etc. And they rejected me because I didn't have money and wasn't "on trend" or at least, that was how it read to me. It's possible I was just too socially awkward or too blunt or too excited or too invested etc, whatever it was, I needed them and they turned me away. All of them (except for the one who fell into drugs and cut contact and the one who moved away).

Godde, if even one had made even the slightest effort to include me, that would have changed my world. Or if they just foisted me off on some other set of queers they didn't like, that would have been wonderful. but no one bothered. I'm sure there are other queer groups in a city of over 5 million but finding them feels impossible and I am so tired of being rejected and/or ignored and/or disrespected.

This is why I don't ever want to go to gay bars. I expect to find anti-femme culture there and it hurts worse coming from people who should be my community.

I feel like everyone who exists thinks of their own gender identity and sex identity as more real and valid than mine. I fight with myself to ever say anything about my experience related to someone else's because I imagine they are offended to be compared to my "pretend" self.

No one in particular has made me feel like I'm not valid, it's just this pervasive thing. I've been reflecting and I think it's because I don't know anyone else with my experience.

Afab + gender-free/ungendered + non-binary sexed + aggressively femmed aesthetic is a very particular experience and from the outside I think most people just read me as a cis woman. While that confers privilege, it also means that my selfhood often drowns in invisibility.

When I can't even witness myself it becomes really hard to feel like I am real.

My genitals really have nothing to do with my (un)gender except that people assume they understand what my genitals are from my clothes. To have people constantly guessing and always wrong is upsetting but there aren't clothes that would induce a correct assumption anyway.


I used to be anti-femme in clothing aesthetic because all the assumptions of weak, pliable, sweet, frail, easy-going, follower, submissive etc that get put on most people who dress femme made me so upset that I avoided the fuck out of looking like that. I wanted my clothes to communicate that I was powerful, forceful, strong, resistant, a leader, not someone you wanna fuck with, etc.

But then I got fat. Now I could wear a literal suit of armor and people would still assume all the same things as if I wore a damn tutu, because my large breasts and wide hips are considered so femme that it overwhelms everything else. I love my breasts and hips and I refuse to smash them flat or straight, so my body is always gonna read femme.

So now I am aggressively femme, though still not in a performative way. I usually don't wear makeup; I often have messy hair, and always wear it up in a braid; I never shave my body hair; on my feet I only wear comfortable black sneakers; I never paint my nails and I keep them very short. But I have come to embrace beading, appliqués, lace, ruffles, and even the color pink (though rarely).

I wear femme clothes defiantly, because I know people are going to get it wrong. I wear them because they don't mean weak, pliable, frail, easy-going, follower, submissive, etc; they mean whatever the fuck I want them to mean because only I can assign meaning to the clothes on my body. I will wear them when working out; I will wear them when topping someone; I will wear them in every situation where I am expected to be wearing boxed-in plain dark stiff heavy structured masc clothes. And I will make people accept the meaning I assign to how I dress.

do you consider your own sexuality fluid? If so, how has it changed over time? Regardless, how did you come to discover and embrace your sexual identity(ies)?

I think my sexuality has always been the same, but my experience and understanding of it has evolved. When I was a teenager, I was so restricted from knowledge about sexuality that I identified as straight despite the fact that I had more than twice as many sex dreams about girls as I did about boys (and I didn't know any other kind of person existed). It literally did not occur to me that I could be anything other than straight, because I wasn't lacking in crushes on boys. I don't think I even heard the word bisexual until I was in college.

How is this possible? Well, I was in private christian schools until 4th grade, when I went to public school for one year before being homeschooled 5th to 10th. The internet was still a toddler (google didn't exist until I was in ninth grade and didn't become really useful until a few years later), my house didn't have cable tv, and I wasn't allowed to socialize outside of school, except with people who lived as restrictedly as I did (and even with them, only once or twice a month). I had only books to teach me about relationships, and there were no queer people in them.

I think it was actually Angelina Jolie who taught me the concept of bisexual and the concept of genderfucking, via quotes people shared about Jolie on livejournal. "Honestly, I like everything, boyish girls, girlish boys, the heavy and the skinny." Reading that quote was my first time relating to anyone who expressed attraction! and still, there are very few who feel this way, because even among people who don't identify as monosexual, most people don't consider genderfucking people or fat people to be attractive. We look "weird" or "wrong" to the average person due to sexist and cis-sexist assumptions.

It was a few years after I learned what bisexuality was that I came to identify as bisexual, because I was strongly influenced by the popular cultural myth that unless you had experiences with men and women, you couldn't identify as bisexual. I would guess that at about age 21 I learned that bisexual people exist and at 23 I began identifying as bisexual. At about age 25 I learned that non-binary people exist and changed my self-label to queer to make it clear that I liked non-binary people too. This was before bisexual people queered the definition of bisexual to its current meaning of "attracted to people of 1) my own and 2) other genders."

A few years later, age 28 I realized that I was trans and non-binary, which further complicated my sexual identity as most ideas of identity start with who you are -- for instance men who are attracted to men are called gay while women who are attracted to men are called straight. Fortunately, "queer" is an umbrella term that always means "not hetero" and otherwise can mean pretty much anything.

Despite identifying as bisexual and queer since age 23, it took me until age 30 to feel sure that I was right about my identity. Even though I had had a number of romantic and sexual relationships with non-men, there's this attitude among mainstream gays that until you've done certain sex acts or had 'primary' relationships with people who were assigned the same sex as you, you don't 'count' as queer. The sexuality-policing heterocentrism is as common and intense among binary gay people as it is among binary straight people. We should be able to claim our identities without having to perform, just like straight people who have never had sex do. But it is a struggle.

It was a few years after I began identifying as queer when I learned what asexual meant, but like with bisexual, I came across a very restrictive definition and it took a while before I even learned the word demisexual. I had to work up my courage to claiming that label as well, because while it is true that I need to feel emotionally intimate to begin to feel sexual attraction, I had a period in my life where that wasn't always true, so I had to deconstruct a binary to claim my demisexual identity. I was 30 when I finally claimed this part of my identity.

When I was a kid, a teen, and a young adult I didn't know what I was, because I didn't have words for it. Once I learned the words, in every case I had to unlearn the shitty gate-keeping definitions in order to claim my identity. When you think you are cis, straight, and allosexual (having an average or high sex drive), society will never pressure you with "are you SURE?" or "but WHY are you that way?" -- you just get affirmed as who you are. If you are not those things (especially if you are trans), you have to be more sure than you have ever been because people will question you and invalidate you constantly.

As you can tell by the fact that it took me three decades to learn who I am, representation is vital. I have seen trans people on tv now but they're never asexual, rarely non-binary, and usually straight. Maybe two characters that I have seen in my life are queer and non-binary (Vex from Lost Girl and Nomi from Sense8) and that is only a guess as their identity is never mentioned and they use typical gendered pronouns -- and both are shown as highly sexual. If I had ever seen a character like me on screen I would have instantly known "that's me!" but instead I had to fumble in the dark and each time I found a part of my identity it was taken away several times before I got a permanent hold on it. If I had had an example, that would never have happened.

Straight, cis, allosexual people should have their identities questioned at least by their intimate people (parents, best friends, lovers) to help them understand themselves and to increase their empathy with people who are not like them. Queer, trans, and asexual/demisexual people should be questioned less often in general and NEVER by non-intimate people. The same as you wouldn't ask someone who you're not intimate with about what they discuss in therapy or what they like in sex, you don't ask them why they identify the way they do. That is demanding a vulnerability from them that you have not earned the right to ask. If you feel like you need to know their why in order to accept their identity as legitimate, that's due to your ignorance and cis-sexism and you need to do some serious self-examining.

What are the parts of your identity that you have labels for? (list and then define)

This got so long I had to turn it into multiple posts. I have split it into what I think of as the 5 parts of a person: body, mind, soul, heart, spirit. This post is about the body and mind parts.

External labels which affect my daily life (body):

white, non-disabled, woman-read, cisgender passing, young-passing.

These are not self-labels but they are part of my identity because I am seen this way and treated this way. In the case of whiteness, non-disabled-ness, and cis-passing, this gives me countless advantages and it is my responsibility to question and dismantle those advantages, and to share the resources that come to me through them. In the case of being read as a woman, this is usually negative, except in cases where my whiteness combines with it to act as a protection.

In the case of appearing young, this can have a negative effect of people being inclined not to take me seriously, but my forceful speech patterns usually disrupt that. It can also have a positive effect of people thinking of me as a desirable person, which I only realize when I lose that effect because people learn my real age and suddenly distance themselves and do not pursue friendship or romance with me. That's depressing, through at the same time I don't mind because I'd rather they out themselves as ageist before I invest.


Differences from compulsory identity (mind):
trans, agender, neurodivergent, fat (and proud) demisexual, queer. These are ways that I exist which average people react to with embarrassment and many people react with punishment. It is not acceptable to be these things and people feel the need to avoid or ignore them if they're trying to be polite, or scold and convert me if they don't care about polite. The overwhelming message I get about these parts of my self is that they are shameful and abnormal. My identity is not a fart and it is not polite to ignore it. It's mean. If you are scared of saying the wrong thing, do your homework! there is enough on the internet to easily avoid the worst mistakes.

trans

I identify as trans because I reject the gender I was assigned at birth. I am "on the other side" after having claimed my genderfree identity. I used to worry that I didn't "count" because I didn't want surgery, but now I know that's some binary bullshit. I know that I would have rejected gender sooner and more forcefully if I had been assigned male, cause that is associated with toxic masculinity and I want even less to do with that than with the fluffy meaninglessness that is toxic femininity. I have ejected the gender binary from my identity and that makes me trans. I am trans no matter what body I'm in. I do feel some dysphoria but that is not a necessary part of being trans.

agender/genderfree

I do not have a gender. This means I am not okay with you assuming anything gender-related based on the way I dress, look, sound, or act. Nothing about me is masculine or feminine, ever, and nothing about me is ever "presenting" a gender. Use gender-neutral pronouns when referencing me.

neurodivergent

I have ADHD, CAPD, profound memory issues, prosopagnosia, aphantasia, social anxiety, intermittent depression / seasonally-affective depression, and sensory sensitivity. I think differently than most people, I live with cognitive and emotional variances, and I experience speech, sound, and touch very differently than most people. in-depth explanation of my neurodivergence

fat & proud

This is a very important part of my identity, because I'm not just okay with my body -- I celebrate it. I will fight for my right to be fat. I identify with my fatness and even when I was small, I thought of myself as a fat person because I have always had a pokey belly. I was mocked and harrassed for my fatness starting when I was a preteen and lasting until after high school, when I began growing in size again.

I spent several years coming to love the various aspects of my body and now, honestly I would not trade this plush comfy body for a slender one if you paid me. Hugging me is amazing, because I'm so soft and supple. I fuckin love my sweet smushy curves. I can sometimes see people react to my unselfconscious easy fatness by becoming more comfortable in their own fatness, and I love that!

demisexual & erotic mirror

I am demisexual: I don't experience sexual attraction unless I choose to, and I don't choose to unless I am already in a romantic relationship and the other person has told me that they would like to have sex with me. More explanation: How sexual attraction works in me as a demisexual person & why what makes sex worth the effort as a demisexual person / sexual vs sensual touch / kissing. I am also an erotic mirror: I do not have intrinsic desire for any role in sex. I also do not experience romantic attraction unless I choose to but I can fall in love in a non-romantic way.

queer/bisexual/pansexual

These are all somewhat true as long as you assume the modern definition of bisexual which is "attracted to my own gender and to other genders" or in my case "attracted to genderfree people as well as gendered people." I am demisexual but the way I have sex is 100% queered, and I don't consider myself less queer than someone who is allosexual (allosexual means not-at-all-asexual). For me, sexual identity is more about how one makes sexual decisions than it is about who one has sex with. A binary cis man & woman who have sex where penetration is never assumed or centered is more queer to me than a binary cis pair of women who always assign leader/follower roles in their sex and assume if there is no penetration then it is "just foreplay." (gross)

I just wanna take a moment to award some (genuine) ally cookies. My awesome friend Allison asked me to be an attendant at her wedding earlier this year. To avoid misgendering me by calling the group of us "bridesmaids," she called us "bridesminions." She informed others -- ahead of time -- that that was how they were meant to refer to us, and corrected people on my behalf. A US-style wedding is an intensely gendered ritual, yet Allison made it as painless as possible for me and I can't think of a way she could have done better. so, many thanks for being superbly kind and staunchly supportive, my friend *heartglow*

Sci-fi / utopian dystopia / bodies as constructs (literally); the nature of happiness; seeking meaning rather than bliss; sentience ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ [five out of five stars: worth owning and reading over and over]

In a world where gratitude is currency, fantasy is reality, and ecstasy is obligatory, an unnamed character rejects norms and seeks meaning at any cost.

This is my fifth or sixth time reading this, but the first time reading it after my social justice awakening. I was so scared it would be horrible. And maybe nostalgia is coloring my lenses, but it was still wonderful (though not without flaw) and I really loved the read. I could happily recommend it to most people.

( sex, disability, size, race, age )

Gender is assumed to be binary and related to sex, but in an odd way; people are men when they are in assigned-male bodies and women when they are in assigned-female bodies, and have a tendency to prefer more time in one than the other. However, this is not related to what sex they are assigned at birth.

When I first read this, before I understood that both sex and gender have more than two options, this was a profound, new and beautiful concept to me. For its time (1976) it was revolutionary; transgender and intersex were not words the general public knew, much less understood. All attractions in the novel are binary, but there are a few who seek queer relationships.

( writing style )

The only content note I can think of is for the death of an animal. It made me cry the first three times I read it; it's really heartbreaking.

( notes on the cover )

( about the author )

I've said much of this before, but I am going to try to make it more specific and plain-spoken.

If I judge your actions as bad, that does not mean I am judging you as bad. Almost every action I rail against as harmful in some way is a thing I have done in the past. I have believed wrongly and damaged people with my actions. I have been classist, racist, sexist, fatphobic, ableist, looksist, anti-sexworker, queerphobic, and gender essentialist, and acted on those ideologies in my actions toward others. I have believed in rape myths and imperialist dogma. I have manipulated and disrespected my partners.


---specific examples of my wrongs: CN/TW for violence, oppressive attitudes, and slurs---

I judged poor people if they bought a small luxury. I avoided people of color because I thought they were too different and I could not relate. I thought women should submit to their husbands. I thought fatness was ugly and that fat people should hide their bodies. I expected all people to be able to learn and perform in the way that I do. I thought cleverness and education made a person more worthwhile. I ranked people on a scale of attractive to not attractive. I assumed that people could not choose to sell sex and that if they did they were forced or acting out of damage. I compared queer sex to sticking your hand in a blender: 'misuse' of intended purpose. I assumed everyone's gender matched what they were assigned at birth, and I assumed that there were only two sexes. I used slurs, especially ableist ones like 'stupid' and 'crazy.'

I have violated people's consent (thankfully not in ways that caused lots of damage, but I was lucky). I have been invalidating of people's identities. I have considered myself to have the 'one true' god and dismissed others as false. I have made relationship expectations without discussion or agreement, and manipulated people into the performance I wanted. I have assumed the worst motives of people I loved and not bothered to check. I have screamed at partners. I have called names. I have hit children (I was a child also at the time, but it was damaging and terrible).

---end TW/CN---


All those things are things I consider deeply wrong and I am profoundly ashamed of them. I mention them because I do not think of myself as a bad person, yet I have done all these bad things. There is not a thing that I say "don't do this" that I haven't done to some extent. So, I cannot think of other people as bad because they do them.

For me, there is only one sin that makes you a bad person: not making any effort to reduce the harm you cause to others and the harms that you benefit from. You don't have to make the efforts I suggest; you just have to make SOME effort, repeatedly, to reduce the harm you cause and/or benefit from in order to not be a bad person. You have to consider carefully if your behavior needs changing when someone says that you are causing harm.

When it comes to creating justice, intention means nothing; your harm-reduction needs to be effective in order to matter at all. When it comes to a judgement of moral character, intention + effort is everything. If you keep on trying to get better, and you keep on trying to learn from a variety of sources, I believe you will eventually get to a place where your efforts are effective and you do reduce harm. So I don't care where you are now; I care if you are repeatedly learning and trying. The more you try, the better a person I think you are.

So I had a date with Evelyn on Saturday that was surprising, nourishing, exciting, scary, and overall quite magical. Part of our time will be described in my my sextalk filter, but this whole experience is so long and complex that I decided it was fine to put it in two separate posts.

( seeing their house, meeting their cat )

Evelyn asked me about my life and I talked about frustrations with biofamily, then asked about their life. They didn't know how to answer at first and said that they have been feeling a particular kind of anxious that means they are avoiding something but don't know what it is (I do the same thing) and as they talked around it, the thing that had been weighing on them came up. They looked really sad and I asked if I could lay next to them -- they said yes so I climbed next to them on the couch and pulled them into my arms.

They talked about the thing that was making them so sad and cried, and apologized and said they felt bad for imposing their vulnerability on me. That made me laugh because it is so the opposite of my experience, and they said "I know, I know" when I laughed because they know that I feel it as a gift and not an imposition but still have the guilty response. We cuddled that way and I listened while they talked about it until their housemate arrived home, and then we went upstairs to their room.

We talked a lot for a while, about all kinds of things. I talked about my philosophical stance as an idealist and how I see 'objective' reality as an illusion, that to me all minds contribute a nearly-invisible layer of reality and 'objective' reality is merely the conglomeration of all that, a sort of 'average.' That the more complex a thing is, the easier it is to change the reality of it through thought due to a domino effect. I mentioned my experience of my self as five parts and how my non-physical parts are capable of shapeshifting. I can't remember all we talked about but it was really interesting.

They wanted to be spooned several times, so I asked them what being spooned meant to them and they talked about it: being small, being held. As they talked about it I realized that I do like being spooned also, but I like spooning someone else more. I like that feeling of enveloping someone. They also talked about how they find themselves more and more attracted to traits commonly referred to as masculine. I listened and didn't say much as they seemed to be working out a self-perception, but I think in me they're attracted to my assertiveness and power (which I do not consider masculine, as nothing about me is gendered).

I asked for coffee so Evelyn made french press and we sat in the living room to drink it. Demeter came to sit with us and Evelyn scooped them up and cuddled them, telling me how Demeter had helped them through the emotionally difficult times they've had lately. Evelyn said they had never connected with a cat before (partly due to allergies) and had considered themself a dog person, but that Demeter had changed that. Evelyn blamed the effect on toxoplasmosis, which I like as a general theory but in this case I think it is more about Demeter's personality; they seem very nurturing and sensitive.

We talked about the fetishization of coercion/non-consent, and about my insecurities around the fact that people might like someone being careful with consent, but they don't fetishize it, they don't think of it as actually sexy, and how sometimes that really gets to me. I can't NOT be careful about consent but I don't want to be considered unsexy because I check in and don't do things without discussing it beforehand. They told me that they find it sexy. I think still, not in the way that I mean, but I appreciated them saying that.

( kissing them is wonderful )

( discussing future plans )

They are outrageously beautiful and sexy to me and I remarked on this several times, to which they responded with hiding their face and laughing in seeming disbelief (with maybe/hopefully some happiness to it). I told them that they will eventually get used to it because I will do it a lot! I feel very strongly about them and so I notice every gorgeous aspect, and they have several aspects that I find aesthetically pleasing as well.

One feature I find sooo aesthetically pleasing is their lower eyelid shape -- their lower lid comes part-way up the curve of the eye, enough that there is a crease under the eye. I don't know why I find this so beautiful but I do! (Angelina Jolie has lower eyelids like that, which is one of the reasons I find them so aesthetically pleasing) Evelyn also has very mobile eyebrows, lips that are very sharply defined, a full lower lip, and very pronounced smile lines as well as dimples! all of which I adore because it makes the face seem more expressive to me. And their face is very expressive overall, and their eye color is gorgeous, and their smile is so radiant! I am more than a little smitten.

CN/TW: anti-trans sentiment regarding use of public bathrooms.

I made an illustration:


[image: a graphic with words and symbols in three panels.
At the top is printed: "laws like North Carolina's HB 2 enforce inequality at the most basic level:"

The first panel has the words "what it's like for cisgender people:" and two black rectangles with peg-shaped people in them. The first rectangle contains a green peg-person, and underneath it in brackets are [your gender] and [welcome]. The second rectangle contains a black peg-person, and underneath it in brackets are [not your gender] and [irrelevant]. Below these is a line of text in quotes and italics that says, "We understand that you are a human with needs. Safe, comfortable relief provided free of charge."

The second panel has the words "what it's like for binary transgender people who pass:" and two black triangles with red-outlined yellow exclamation marks in them. Underneath the first triangle in brackets are [your gender] and [risk arrest]. Underneath the second triangle in brackets are [not your gender] and [risk harassment]. Below these is a line of text in quotes and italics that says, "Use at your own risk. Maybe nothing bad will happen."

The third panel has the words "what it's like for nonbinary or nonpassing transgender people:" and two black circles with a diagonal line (the 'no' symbol), covering the words "you" repeated in red. Underneath both in brackets are [KEEP OUT] and [risk arrest, harassment, assault]. Below these is a line of text in quotes and italics that says, "Go find a bush. We don't want your kind here."]



Also, it was Trans Day of Visibility yesterday, and my first thought was "oh everyone knows I'm trans." But maybe not, so let me tell you: I am an agender/genderfree trans person.

I am willing to be your token friend as an example to any transphobe you want to talk to about transness, assuming you are trying to help them relate. Lots of people are unaware that they know a trans person, and people are massively terrible at empathizing without a personal connection, which is why it is important that cis people realize that they know a trans person. Even a once-removed connection is more than most people realize they have. So if you are a cis person and someone says to you something like "lolz that person is bad at gender, look at their xyz!" You can say, "that might be the perfect gender expression for them; not everyone is the same. One of my friends is trans and I respect their right to throw out gender norms."

Talk about dysphoria (social, bodily, etc) in relation to your own gender identity. Do you experience it? If so, how, and what means do you take to fight it? What kind of affects does it have on your mental life? What would you say to others who have dysphoria too? (from here)

I experience it when I hear or think about my own voice, when someone tries to make me feel loved and included but genders me to do it (thus having the opposite effect), and when I think about or am reminded of how not-real other people consider my identity. I fight bodily dysphoria mostly by not thinking about it, because there is nothing I can do to get a deeper voice or whatever else right now. When it is someone trying to be nice, I either try to replace the comment in my head with something that might feel nice, or I talk to them about how bad it feels when people gender me.

The effect it has on me mentally is to take energy. I spend so much energy shutting out thoughts that would otherwise cause me pain and damage. I think this results in mental fog, and is partly to blame for my brain issues. It makes my ADD worse. But it can't be helped because the alternative is much worse.

For others with dysphoria, I would say:
1) do your best to minimize contact with people who invalidate your identity, regardless of how innocently they may do it.

2) tell the people you trust how things feel, and tell them you need them to self-educate so that you can share with them without having to give a 101 lecture first.

3) when you can fall apart, do. Plan for this sometimes.

4) when you can't fall apart, distract. If a thought comes into your head, focus immediately on something else that engages your mind. Any topic you could ramble about for a relatively long time will do. Perhaps make a list and carry it with you. Or have a game you play on your phone.

5) if you don't have people in your life with similar experience, do your best to find them. It is almost impossible to feel supported when no one can empathize because they cannot or will not take your perspective. Find people who get it.

6) in general, take care of other needs. It is when I am missing other things that my dysphoria is the worst. Check in with yourself to learn what you need, and then do your best to get those needs met. If you can, eat enough veggies, drink enough water, get enough sleep (occasional naps help). Figure out specific needs within your relationships and communicate those -- for instance "I need at least 2 hugs a day and I need someone to ask me questions about my life each day: can you help me with these needs?" Be willing to get your needs met by multiple people because no one can or should be your whole needs store.

This has been an incredibly hard week. Anika attacked me and scorned my efforts and was cruel to me. I feel drained and devalued every time I think about it.

Gabe (my little brother, emotionally, who I love more than any blood kin except Ace) revealed that he doesn't see me as a person and that he is transphobic. He posted a 'joke' about Caitlyn Jenner and when I commented (which took a herculean effort), he edited the post to fill it up with the reasons he thinks transphobia is fine. That is so much worse than I thought. I was assuming that he was just ignorant, but apparently he knows and simply chooses to believe that being queer or trans is wrong. I couldn't even deal with that. I tried to post a response comment but it either got deleted or didn't go through and I just couldn't post again. This is a sharp pain every time I remember it. It means I have no chance of being loved by the first people who ever made me feel appreciated and valued. It's effectively formal notice that if I were to reach out to them, I would be rejected without possibility of them reconsidering.

And then there was that realization I had on Christmas eve that my bioparent M (who is rich) suggested that my aunt give my cousin a flight to Japan for a graduation present (this was in a group email).  M did not offer such a gift to me and it seems to not even have occurred as a thought. Not only that, but I asked M for help with money this month because my work is closed for three weeks and then the pay cycle is exactly off so that the next paycheck I will get is three weeks into January.  Rather than responding, M forwarded an email from the terrible HOA who constantly complain about my yard.  No, I'm not going to fucking rake the leaves because that serves NO PURPOSE and DAMAGES the plants and the insects who need those leaves for cocooning.  Seriously.  M claims to give a shit about me, but can't be moved to help me when I need it, while giving money to my siblings and cousins etc who don't actually need it, because M wants their good opinion.  Also, while making more than 300% what P is making -- PLUS full military retirement -- M is requiring P to pay half of the bills at their place. They're married.  M is a fucking awful person -- the financial evil is honestly one of their lesser faults. 

Then my pibling and cousins (who live very close) call me on Christmas to tell me merry christmas, leaving a voicemail??? when they didn't fucking invite me and haven't, literally ever.  I just felt like that was a slap in the face.  Just pretend that you forgot I existed, like all the other times.  Don't rub my face in it.

Topaz' family reminded me how I have (almost) never gotten a thoughtful gift from my parents (because they gave me and Topaz thoughtful presents) and also gave me smelly presents (body spray, lotion) that reminded me of just how bad M's 'gifts' were. Plus I'm really fucking stressed about money and about not having the truck dealt with and I have to get my tag renewed which means I have to go talk to Jeff who has been on hold with the truck in their lot for more than a month, thanks to M not keeping their promise. And Kylei was gone which would have been minor except I really needed another close person this week.

And then there's good, exciting, but nervousness-inducing stuff happening and people keep thinking that my upsetness is about that, which is also upsetting. (I'll explain in a locked post)

So I realized I'm in the midst of a depressive crash. I feel like a sodden lump of disgusting worthlessness. I keep flickering between desperately craving connection and wanting to avoid all people so that I don't inflict my irrational overemotional fearful upsetting energy on them. I'm dealing the best I can, putting my trust in my close ones to help me decide on the truth since I can't find it myself. I can't trust my memory or perceptions based on memory on a good day, and in depression it gets so much worse. The demons in my head jab at every sore spot, and I cannot rationalize them away because I can't remember facts that would counteract them.

I realized as I filled out the national trans survey that the reason why I don't explain my gender to people more often is that I have too many variations from the default that would need explaining, and I don't want to center gender in my identity. Also I don't really have a gender so much as a negation of gender, and few binary people can even grasp the outside edges of that.

But far more central to my identity is wordweaving and thought remodeling: ethical use of language and concepts. I don't use slurs and it hurts me to have them used by others. I avoid oppressive language and coercive language and seek to listen and balance voices. I self-educate constantly. I dismantle stereotypes and problematic expectations in my own mind. This doesn't 'count' as an identity but more than anything else it separates me from others.

( more on this... )

These past few days are a blur and I am baffled. Mostly in a good way.

Sunday we stayed in, mostly, and at the end of the evening we played Dixit and Truth-or-Truth For Newbies. Before I left Topaz printed my 188 questions out (by request) and I invented an easier way for people to play. On first play almost everyone finds it difficult to decide who to ask and difficult to come up with a question, so I randomized those choices. I also created a possibility for a point system because Topaz says it's not a real game without one, but everyone opted out of that so I'm gonna discard it I think. I think I might turn ToTfN into a physical game I can carry, by making the questions into color-coded cards and buying a dedicated set of dice and making number cards. But that's a load of work, so maybe not. Anyway, we played them and everyone really enjoyed both games. And, to my surprise, my gparent V and parent M both participated and gave it their best. V actually said today that playing the games was their favorite time so far this visit. I felt really pleased that it went over so well and I'm looking forward to playing again!

I looked up local Champion Trees and found a nature tour that showed off a bunch of old live oaks (my - AND cousin E's - favorite tree) and the state champion red cedar (among other things) and told everyone about it and asked if they wanted to go. They did, so we got up early on Monday to go. The tour was great except that it was scorching hot and the group kept scattering and we moved pretty fast around things, all of which kept me from being able to truly tune in. But we came by this one Loblolly pine that I just fell in love with and really want to go see again. I felt such a connection with it, but it was near the end and everyone was so tired and hot and hungry that I didn't want to hold them up, so I just marveled for a moment and took a quick photo for memory and that was it.

Then we went to a restaurant which was a mess of disorganization - M wanted Golden Corral, everyone else wanted mexican food, we were in two cars and got separated without a shared destination address and then there was a horrid speakerphone call where everyone was saying something different and finally E hung up and I just texted them telling them we decided on the simplest plan. Pibling L was super stressed out by this and so was Ace, which I found interesting and bizarre, as it annoyed me but didn't stress me out. I tried to ask why it was stressful and didn't get much of an answer but I think it has to do with wanting to make everyone happy? If it was my friends having a squabble and not talking out the plan in a kind and respectful manner I probably would have been bothered by it but I think i would have reacted the same way, by making the practical choice for myself and letting them deal or not as they would. I think I only care about making people happy while they are willing to try and help. If they're just going to dig in their heels and shout, I no longer care if I make them happy right now.

Later that day we were going to go to the beach but it started raining right as we headed there, and thundering meant no one else wanted to go. So we sat by the pool and watched the sky until it was no longer thundering, but then everyone just wanted to be at the pool. It was sprinkling lightly for a while and then there was a gorgeous double rainbow! Also E asked me about my ex-spouse and I told them that story, including the years I was working through childhood sexual abuse while my ex-spouse supported me. I also briefly explained poly. And we talked about E and their person, and churches. I told them about my experience with Liberty and how that informed my requirements for future choices. I talked about the Quaker meeting I like and they said they want to go with me sometime.

Later it was just me, P, E, and Ace after everyone went to bed, and we played two rounds of Blockus which was fun and I realized that E is a determined creature, because they were almost completely blocked off but they refused a free move and figured their way out. I would have been despairing of my choices in their position.

Today I woke up to the sounds of an argument about immigration. I hoped it was over before I came out but it was not, so I waded in by explaining the extreme poverty associated with being undocumented and how creating monetary requirements for citizenship (including in the form of fines plus amnesty) is never a solution. Then I mentioned widespread poverty in the US and exploitation of the poor and Ace went off about welfare 'abuses' (from buying alcohol or a car to shopping at a gas station) and I just couldn't get them to understand that them seeing it 20 times or even 100 times doesn't make it true of the average person on welfare. M was certain that welfare makes people lazy and I refuted that with the Mincome experiment and various other countries very successful systems with social safety nets. M then refused to believe in the existence of these things and demanded that I show sources. I told them no, you don't get to put more stringent requirements on my arguments than on your own, and you have shown no sources for your statements. That was the end of it because other people got impatient with the conversation.

Later we went to the beach, which was fun but not really worth it to me - I guess I got spoiled by the trip with Topaz to that pristine bay beach last year. This water felt like human soup - it was still fun to be in the waves but it wasn't a serene experience where I could connect with nature. It felt polluted and overwhelmed, and it was so salty that it stung my eyes from the barest of splashes. But I think that was also the time of day, and I want to try going again around 7p to get softer light and fewer people. I got to share my boogie board and goggles with people, which made me super happy.

After two hours we came back and went to the pool. Ace and E and I hung out for a while talking about sexuality and racism, and E's stories of their person getting stopped for driving while black and then E getting thrown to the ground for videoing it made way more of an impact on Ace than anything I ever said. So I felt like a failure, and also vindicated and also like I need to memorize some stories because damn, don't nobody take macro-level facts seriously.

I asked E what they wanted to get out of the trip and they said they wanted to build relationships that would be more than talking while on vacation. I asked Ace and they said they wanted to be able to relax and build up some strength and confidence. Then E asked me and I said that I wanted to feel able to be myself. L joined us somewhere during this and asked if I felt I hadn't been myself. I said no, I hadn't, because I didn't correct people and people assumed things about me that weren't true of me. I used the example of someone asking me if I have a boyfriend - if I just say no, I'm not being myself because that assumption left unchallenged makes it seem like I'm straight. They seemed to understand that and feel sad for me that I had not felt able to be myself. I mentioned that getting to know Topaz' family made me realize that maybe my family could handle the real me and I should give them a chance to. Somewhere in this conversation I talked about being trans and (in response to E's question) mentioned that I want to change my voice and facial hair.

E asked me how I first knew I was trans, and I told the story in a better way than I had last time someone asked me that, explaining that I felt pieces of it for a long time but it wasn't until I had a mild breakdown that I realized that it wasn't just a set of feelings, but part of my identity. L had a hard time understanding what exactly I meant by genderfree/agender, partly because they hang out with mainstream gay people who are all binary. They couldn't imagine sex outside the hetero script (since even their gay friends use it) or relationships outside of gender and I had no idea how to explain. It's hard to explain because there are no cultural references to non-binary people. How do you even explain an absence of something? My identity with gender is actually not a presence of something but the absence of it. If I were bigender it would be easier to explain, I feel, and easier to accept. I got lost and felt blathery. E took it in and without missing a damn beat started using gender-neutral pronouns. Holy fuckin shit y'all, I hadn't even asked for them. I was so impressed.

L and E exclaimed when I mentioned that being 'ladies'd bothered me and I hastily assured them that I wasn't upset by them and that I hadn't mentioned it because I figured one step at a time, that I know it's tough to absorb. E was appreciative of that and I think L was relieved. I also said that it's okay to call me stuff like 'girl' if you do that with literally all kinds of people.

Later I ended up in a conversation with M and P about homelessness, veterans, and the intimacy of facing death and trauma together. It was fairly on-topic and not too horribly full of wrongness (M made one comment about personal choice to which I said "I'm not going to talk about that"), and it lead to a moment of what felt like real vunerability from M. I was saying that lots of the people who go to war have no experience with real emotional intimacy, and then they go into an intensely intimate experience with others where they share responsibility for each others' lives as well as living space and work - coming back, part of the trauma is loss of that intimacy with no tools available to them to get it back. Nobody teaches intimacy in a meaningful way except in therapy and even then it's iffy, and men especially are taught by society to avoid intimacy with each other, so not even the people who were there with you and came back are available to you when you get back. I said that this was just my guess, and asked for M's thoughts on it. They said it was true, and mentioned their own loss. Something interrupted, and they said that they needed to go lay down and walked into the other room. They did this same abrupt ending last night so I didn't think anything of it at the time but now I'm a little worried I may have stepped on a very sore place.

5.2.15
dreamed something about driving a yellow firebird, the owner asking if I want to buy and me asking how much. they said 200 and I thought that that was either far too low or far too high, so just made an excuse. at another part I was falling from high above the ocean and used a thread from a disintegrating sailboat to save myself. there was also something about a grocery store.

5-6-15
I don't remember it all, but at one point I was at Snoop Dogg's house with them and their friend (a big muscular white dude who used a wheelchair) talking about how a bunch of racists had caused a shitton of damage in retaliation after snoop had a giant expensive party. I said something about defaults not wanting to see anyone else have money, and then explained what I meant by default. Snoop agreed with me about racism as a motivator but said that sexism/cissexism/ableism is not that bad and I explained how it is serious and systemic, not just a few bigots: people die. Then me and Snoop were talking on a college radio about oppression and defaults, as one of the college high-mucketys stood in the doorway. Snoop thought it was amusing that they were just letting me go at it. then I introduced Snoop and handed them the mic, and soft music started playing and the mic stopped working! I tried to fix it with the controls back there but it had been done elsewhere, as a way to shut us up, or maybe just Snoop. then the scene switched and there was something about a house magically lifted and tipped 20°.

Also when Snoop and I were setting up equipment, I coughed and found a blue cord in my throat. I pulled it and it came out and out and out, like three yards of it, and then it was attached to a pink one that was shorter. I started to get nervous that there was gonna be poop on it but I pulled it the rest of the way out (no poop) and looked carefully at the join place, which I thought was a knot but on carefully looking, realized was a tangle, that it was one cord that faded from blue to pink with a tiny section of purple.

Earlier there was a tiny dragon I was trying to catch, but not a normal one, a salamander one. about the size of my finger. it hid in a box of a toy with gardening stuff, and then begged me to get it out. it ran all over the place, very fast.

5-7-15
epic dream about evil 'devil' and sci-fi dystopia. started when I and another kid were left in a boxy stone gazebo and someone came up, loudly told us that our punishment was finished, and took us out. just behind us, someone else went into it with a captive and began torturing them. the one who rescued me and my companion took us to another spot with a bunch more children and we decided to try disappearing into the bamboo. when we did it and the others couldn't see us, they excitedly followed too but they wouldn't be quiet. I kept trying to shush them, getting to the point of wanting to hit them and waving violently and shouting in whispers instead.

Scene switch and everything looked dead and dried up. there were people in charge and reluctant followers who carried out their will. don't remember everything except gold rings were programming, and at one point someone said "this will change it from white to white Jesus." (meaning, from white supremacy to religious white supremacy) To deprogram oneself, a person had to take off their ring (which was illegal). we plotted to destroy the central power. at one point this line of people at the top of stairs who were the evil leaders were no longer in power. I don't think they could move from their thrones. we brought them food and they haughtily cast it down, thinking it wouldn't be long before we were killed and a new regime began. then one of them threatened us with its belly that it could apparently blast sound out of, but I took a butterknife and stabbed it through the stomach and popped the organ. this didn't seriously damage the person but it took away their weapon.

a little later I was watching a scene unfold that was very similar to the first except the aesthetics had changed, and felt disheartened, but then all of a sudden things were very different and people were removing their rings, even the super privileged. There was one 'princess' that my lover helped to remove theit ring (there are sometimes failsafes designed to punish as you try to remove it so you stop: you have to be careful) and they had three separate programming markers: the ring, a coin, and a flower that they wore in their hair. when they took it out it got angry and tried to stab my lover in the eye, but I could tell what it was about to do and warned my lover in time.

then I and someone else were tied up w a bunch of gold rings (bracelet size and massively thick), in the ocean, trying to sink, and the devil came along and pulled us out. we laughed because we were tied to a huge mass of more rings and people, and the devil couldn't pick it all up (they were the size of a human but able to hover). They were furious at me and told me to try and hold on (as it prepared to try and break my back). I braced myself emotionally but didn't care, I'd succeeded in helping all those others escape.

Then I was on a plane with others who had deprogrammed themselves, and I saw an AFAB intersex person who had stopped shaving their face and had the beginning growth of a beard, with a female-appearing companion who said something to them about liking them and all their accompaniments (meaning the fact that they were intersex).

Then I was like "okay, five stars for THIS movie, I'm gonna save the last 15 min for when I watch it with Topaz, who would love all the dystopian stuff." and woke up.

I still fully intend to answer all of the prompts, but it is unlikely that they will all get answered this month *grimace* I'll just make my way through as I have time and energy. I've been dealing with a lot, particularly confusion and heartbreak-dread (that feeling where you are dreading heartbreak but have just enough hope that you can't resign yourself, ugh) as one of my friendships appears to be undergoing an intense and very unexpected change. Also homework has been heavy and I've had so. many. interactions that have taken a shitton of energy. I have met with biofamily FOUR TIMES, had at least four major conflicts with close friends, met two new people (who were both great, but meeting a new person always takes a PILE of energy) and attended two major public events where I got a lot of attention, all in the last three weeks. Last Saturday I participated in an event for the local chapter of One Billion Rising, where I spoke this (they wanted it close to tweet-length):

I'm rising for the transgender people who are hidden.
When you decide my gender based on how I look, you violate my identity.
Who I am is not decided by my body shape or my clothes.
Making assumptions based on the average erases those most vulnerable.

I at least managed to speak clearly, though my heart was beating so hard that it actually HURT and I felt shaky shaky shaky. I hate the feeling of adrenaline. But I was glad to be at that event partly because it was SO binary and SO trans erasing and me saying that ^ was SO needed. (those weren't the only issues) I felt a murmur of shock when I finished the first sentence, but Topaz told me that people applauded extra loud after (I was so out of it at that point that I had no idea), and several people came up to me and thanked me after. So at the least, they might be open to critique, and it was way better with regards to race and nationality than other reform-based feminist events I have witnessed.

Topaz shared with me their criticism of the event afterward, which was that there was no call to action. I heartily agree. I mentioned that those tend to come in the form of conferences rather than short events and Topaz said that shouldn't be the case, which kinda blew my mind with how fuckin true it is. You know what would be fantastic? a monthly meeting where all the SJ groups in the area come in and each share like a 15-minute blurb on what actions they are taking or planning and what their needs are for participation. Also, another monthly event that is just skill-sharing, people go and share solutions they have found and victories they have won or even recent victories they've heard of, or fuck, even old victories that have been erased from history. I could go to an event like that and get so much practical knowledge AND it would be so SO good for motivation, since I think the #1 motivation killer is the idea that we can't get anything done. People are getting shit done ALL AROUND us and also it is fucking insulting to the memory of people like Bayard Rustin and Sylvia Rivera for present-day people who care about social justice to refuse to use the tools of reform as well as the tools of revolution. VOTING MATTERS TOO.

I went to this event because of my aunt KC, who a week ago led a shared art project in my city that I also participated in. I really like KC -- I don't feel like I have to hide things, and they understand a lot of social justice issues already so they have the framework for me explaining more things. They're also open to learning from me, which I find to be rare in people who are a generation older than me. I feel upset with my parents for having not really allowed them to be part of my life, because I feel like we could be super close if my parents had invested in them like they invested in other people who were not critical of my parents (KC wasn't directly critical but would point out some of their bullshit). My number one problem with my parents is that they don't try to learn and grow, instead they flee from criticism. There could have been SO MUCH LESS SUFFERING if they had ever been willing to admit their ignorance and mistakes. Anyway.

So, KC is a professional artist who works for social and ecological justice. Last week we went to coffee for just a little while, and I showed them my fractals which they liked very much. I wish I had had more time with them, but I was so swamped that I really had no chance to spend more one-on-one time with them. I found out that there is ADD on my mom's side of the family too, which makes me want to get to know that person (I find that people with ADD tend to be people I like, which is annoying because they also tend to be people who are hard to connect with). I am not entirely sure how to build a relationship with KC now but I intend to.

volamonster asked me to give detailed thoughts and feelings on a person requiring others to use pronouns for them such as bun/bunself, fae/faeself, and other uncommon choices.

My initial reaction to learning of these pronouns was that they allow the benefits without the stigma; it seemed unfair. A way to use the hard work of trans people for a fun little idiosyncrasy; tourism in the world of the gender non-conforming. I have definitely seen this emotional reaction in the trans community and I get it. But the more I thought about it and the more I was exposed to it, the more I realized that even though some people will just use it for tourism, those who use nonstandard pronouns of any kind in a serious manner (such as asserting and requiring) make the world ultimately a safer place in the long run.

While defaults being presented with "bun asked me to carry bun's stuff to the car, but I told bun to do it bunself" may indeed react with mockery and respond to further nonstandard pronouns with mockery, I don't think that's something that bun was creating. Any pripoi was gonna mock anyway; trans people haven't lost a chance to get taken seriously because of this other pronoun. On the flip side, having been exposed to non-standard pronouns in a way that is less threatening to their world view, they may take trans people's pronouns less seriously in a good way. People don't murder what they think is harmless; they murder what threatens their entire framework of reality. If being exposed to bunself or faeself gives phobic people a chance to experience non-typical genders without having to re-think their whole life, that could be a good thing.

Also, I don't approve of respectability politics: we don't need to act near-default to have respect (for instance, using he/she/they). And if a fae-ish or bun-ish person (no idea of the proper way to frame that gender) is willing to face the same bullshit, they are sharing the burden and I appreciate it. I like the idea of eventually having a language that either allows for every person to have their own pronoun, or simplifies to a single pronoun for all living beings. I could see it going one of those two ways.

Also, anytime a person thinks to themselves, "is this way that people treat me true to me? no? then how could they treat me in a way that affirms me?" and then takes that answer and asserts it, I feel they are doing valuable self-reflection. And if that becomes a cultural norm, it makes it easier for others to assert their own needs. Questioning the norm is always valuable, including when it is of a less oppression-resistant variety.

For many years I used ze/zir for everyone, and fairly recently I changed to they/them (still working on it, I have all of the slip-ups). I made the switch for several reasons. One is that even though ze/zir does not refer to a gender and is thus a term for any person, it is taken as meaning "something other than he or she" and I have to acknowledge the common perception even though it's inaccurate. So I use they/them because that is actually taken as gender-neutral. There is also the fact that I am not the clearest enunciator, and people sometimes hear my "zir" as her and my "ze" as he. That doesn't work either! And lastly and most importantly, they/them is inclusive of people who are bigender or multigender and plurals (people who are multiple systems, multiple people living in the same body. FAQ). And because of the misconception about ze/zir, using that set for all people can be hurtful to binary trans people because it may be perceived as stripping gender, but "they" is less likely to be perceived as an invalidation of identity. So, overall I switched to 'they' to communicate more accurately and to be more inclusive.

Also, I realized recently that as a person who only feels mild discomfort at people using gendered pronouns about me, I am relatively privileged, and I need to mobilize this privilege for the sake of those who feel deeply wounded by gendered pronouns. So I have decided to require people to refer to me in gender-neutral terms, because that will make it easier for others to require it when they need it. I am not entirely sure how to go about this, because I haven't done it before, but it's my intention. Please poke me if you notice me failing to do it; that will help me to remember and/or have the courage to do it. And if you do not care what pronouns people use in reference to you, I urge you to also require gender-neutral from those who refer to you. You won't be hurt if people tell you no, so your risk is much smaller and you can make the world a safer place, in a small way. You never know who around you is wincing inside every time someone says "he" or "she."

My gender can be summed up in one word: No.

I identify as genderfree. What that means is that I don't want any gender on me; I don't want any of my behaviors, hobbies, attitudes, clothes, ANYTHING to be viewed through a gender lens. I know most people don't have the skill to put their gender lens down, so I accept that most people are just not going to understand me.

My sex identity is more complicated. I was assigned female at birth and I think most people would guess me to be female from my physical form, but I experience myself as intersex (note: I do not identify as intersex because I do not have the experiences of people with bodies which are physically intersex). When I have sex, it is sometimes with my vulva and sometimes with my cock* and sometimes with both, and I no longer desire to have sex with people who can't accept all my parts (including the non-physical and non-bodily ones). I don't think there even is a surgery that would create the external body to match my internal, and I'm wary of putting extra growth hormones into my body (the things called 'sex hormones' have many purposes in every body so 'sex hormone' is misleading and 'female/male hormones' is flat-out incorrect), so I do not think I will transition even if that were an option for me (and I'm pretty sure I'd be labeled as some flavor of 'crazy' and not allowed to form my own course of transition). Had I been born with testes, I would have them removed but I think that is all the transition I would do. I would wear much the same clothes that I do now, because I wear them for color and comfort not for gender/sex identity.

I usually describe myself as trans, because that explains that my gender and/or sex are different from my assignment, which is all that's really relevant to people I'm not having sex with.

I prefer gender-neutral pronouns (ze/zir/zirs or they/them/theirs or whatever you're used to) but for me (and this is unusual for trans people so don't take me as an example!) I want people to talk about me how they see me. I'd prefer for people to see me without gender, but if they see me as gendered I want to know. I do not get offended when people refer to me as 'she' but I feel most respected and seen when people refer to me in gender-neutral terms.

*I have an energetic/'spiritual' cock which I have sex with. I think being able to literally physically feel people touch my cock and penetrate people with it and orgasm with it makes it so that I don't feel such a need to transition as I might otherwise feel.

(this is a response to a prompt from Camellia)

Despite constant assumptions, I am not femme or butch or "feminine" or "masculine" or "not-feminine" or "not-masculine" and I find being categorized like that to be infuriating. I'm genderfree: don't assign me a gender especially not via my self-covering/decoration. Don't assume I'm "presenting" a gender just because you associate something about my appearance with gender markers. My bright colors mean I like fucking bright colors okay. My skirt means I like air around my legs and crotch. My bra means I don't like my nipples to brush up against things unless I'm being sexual. My cleavage-y sleeveless shirt means I get overheated if there is too much fabric on my top half. My jewelry means I love glass and color and wearing art that I make. My makeup means I love color and painting myself. My tennis shoes mean that I like cushion under my feet and a sturdy base with less chance of twisting my ankle. My mismatched socks mean that I dislike fashion rules. My body hair means the same thing my skin and bones mean -- I'm a human being. My haircut means I like air on my scalp and the ability to braid/clip/twist/pull my hair. My unsquished unsculpted body means I'm fat and I like it. My glittergoatee means that I like glitter and I think a goatee belongs on my face. NONE of my appearance is about gender.

And while I'm at it, I'm sick of the fetishistic privileging of masculinity in queer culture. The 'androgynous' uniform I usually see is just an outfit that doesn't contain 'femme' elements except maybe a TINY bit more cling and accessory than average 'masculine' attire. We've moved from centering gender-conformity to centering 'masculine'-conformity; not an improvement. Now there is even less variety. DOWN WITH QUEER DRESS CODE.

Four years ago I started training myself to think and speak without reference to gender or sex. When reflecting on how to do this, I decided to use ze/zir/zirself in place of him/her/etc for a few reasons. 1) I liked the fact that it used a little-used letter of the alphabet (I've always personified letters and numbers and both favorited and felt bad for the ones who didn't get spoken/written often); 2) I wanted to use gender-neutral pronouns that would stand out, to start conversations about gender; and 3) I disliked the grammatical confusion of "they." Number 1 is still true but otherwise I've changed my views a bit.

With regards to using gender-neutral pronouns in general, it's easy if most of the people I talk to are keen on doing the same, but if I am talking to someone who uses gendered pronouns I will "echo" -- for instance, I say "Kylei went to the store" and someone says, "did he write a list?" I'll respond with "no, he's not quite that organized," even though if I am rambling about Kylei I almost never use gendered pronouns. I can stop myself if I am very careful, or if I have had little contact with gender-specific-speakers for the past few days, but the echoing is MUCH harder to stop than general references.

Anyway, I now have a "front name" which starts gender conversations much more often than pronoun use would, so that reason for "ze" is gone. Also, unobtrusively removing gender references and not 'correcting' people's assumptions often leads to them being surprised when they realize their assumption was off, and I feel like that moment of surprise is pretty much the most useful stereotype-breaker. I don't think the actual conversation about gender-neutral pronouns is that helpful.

More importantly, people tend to interpret "ze" not as a lack of reference to gender but as a reference to a third kind of gender, and so feel that if I refer to them as "ze" I am assigning them a gender. I can explain my intent, but not to everyone, and when I refer to trans people I worry that my hearers are assuming I'm "othering" them, putting them in a different category from cis people. Even though it is absolutely not my intent, and not the meaning of the word, the idea that I might be perceived as approving a cissexist attitude is very worrisome to me. I try to compensate by outing myself and critiquing cissexism whenever I have the chance, but I'd rather just not risk it. "They" does not have that othering connotation. Cis people use it to refer to cis people whenever they don't want to refer to gender or when they don't know it. I still dislike the grammatical awkwardness of "they" but as someone on my twitter list pointed out, choosing grammar over people is problematic: so I have decided to try and change.

In my journal and in papers I will retain "ze": in my journal my reasons are listed plainly and in papers I do not want to get marks taken off for bad grammar (and I still am unsatisfied at the idea that a singular "they" should be treated as a plural "they" with regard to verbs). In casual conversation (such as other internet spaces and in-person conversations) I will try to use "they." I know I will fail along the way and my language may be stilted sometimes but I know I'm capable, eventually, and I'll get there.


Dance for Your Reflection

There's this "radical feminist" conference happening this year that is a blight on the name -- it's a conference only open to "women born women living as women." That's fucking ridiculous because radical feminism is ALL ABOUT breaking down gender roles. But apparently the poor cis women need a place to get away from all the trans women who are oppressing them with their male privilege. The cesspool of bullshit runneth over! Do some fucking research -- just the murder stats ought to be enough.

I have two problems with this. First of all, supporting existing hierarchies is neither radical nor feminist -- privileged "activist" groups should not be excluding those with less privilege. If you didn't learn from first wave feminism's "only upper/middle class straight white women count" mistake, go back to feminism 101 and leave the organizing conferences to people who care about more than one-step-away-from-privilege-pinnacle people. UGH. Your privilege reeks and you're splashing it everywhere.*

Second, the idea that having an exclusive gather based on external bodily characteristics automatically gives some kind of safety/freedom from privileged/oppressive behaviors. NO IT DOESN'T. It's a simple way to find MOSTLY safe people, but it's certainly not the best way. Exclusive gathering is a false sense of security -- it excludes people who might look different but would learn and be respectful, and includes people who might be trying to impose their internalized oppression on others who are the same. I would never try to push my way into a gathering that didn't want me, but I also would never form a gathering based on some external similarity to me. If I was having a meeting about being classed as female, or being queer, or being trans, I'd set the topic and set rules for behavior, and let people agree in order to join. If I wanted to create a sense of safety, I might have a behavior rule that said, "if you have not experienced this, attend to listen only." More likely, I would use some variant of numbers 3, 4, 5, & 6 of my house agreements, perhaps with volunteer bouncers just in case someone could not be civil.

The idea that because someone has experienced similar oppression they will not visit that oppression on you is sheer ludicrous error. I've experienced silencing, policing, 'splaining, shaming, erasing, and other tools of the kyriarchy being used against me by female, queer, trans, poly, fat, etc people. And I know it's not just me. I'd trust someone with more privilege who was willing to be called on it and stop over someone who merely had similar oppression ANY time.

*on the bright side, at least I didn't go to the conference unaware and get surrounded by that shit.

gateway books:
on gender identity and expression:
"Nobody Passes" by Mattilda and
"Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation" by Kate Bornstein & S. Bear Bergman
on disability:
"Staring Back" edited by Kenny Fries and
"Crip Theory: Cultural Signs of Queerness and Disability" by Robert McRuer & Michael F. Bérubé
on feminism:
"Feminism Is for Everybody: Passionate Politics" by bell hooks and
"A Guy's Guide to Feminism" by Michael Kaufman & Michael Kimmel
on racism:
"Racism Without Racists" by Eduardo Bonilla-Silva and
"Myths America Lives By" by Richard T. Hughes

Learn a little about your privileges:
a quick summary of what privilege is
privilege is playing the game of life on "easy"
a more in-depth explanation of privilege
if you're white
if you're male
if you're cisgender/cissexual (not transgender or not transsexual)
if your gender is part of the binary (either exclusively male or exclusively female)
if you're straight
if you're non-disabled (related microaggressions)
if you're neurotypical (not autistic and don't have Asperger's) and don't have a mental illness.
if you're not poor
if you're monogamous
if you're not "fat" -- if you think having more fat than average is bad, risky, unhealthy, etc, please read The Fat FAQs including all the links!

How to be an ally if you are a person with privilege
Bearing witness (overcoming some of the pitfalls of being an ally with privilege)
How to be a better ally to trans* people

intro info about marginalized groups who don't get a lot of press:
nativeappropriations on the problem with the hipster headress: cultural appropriation for "irony"
intersexroadshow on how sex isn't binary either: intersex genitalia illustrated and explained (with sketches)

community:
genderfork -- a supportive community for the expression of identities across the gender spectrum.
tqnation -- social network specifically for transgender and genderqueer community.
tsroadmap -- transitioning information and support

news and analysis:
FWD: feminists with disabilities -- on the intersection of disability and feminism (now archive-only, but FULL of resources)
stuff queer people need to know -- news, lengthy resource lists
racialicious -- on the intersection of race and pop culture
colorlines -- a daily news site about important racial matters
The Transadvocate --"transgender advocates in the ever growing blogosphere"
prettyqueer -- writings by queer people from all over
geekfeminism -- "exists to support, encourage, and discuss issues facing women in geek communities, including science and technology, gaming, SF fandom, and more."
Cisnormativity -- "confronting cisnormativity, homonormativity, heteronormativity, cissexism, trans enmity, trans misogyny, acts of cis supremacy, and the language of gender"
More Than Men -- "a social media project for men to stand up together to take an active role in diversity advocacy"

Ways to participate in making change for non-normative and/or oppressed peoples:
Locally:
CHRIS kids -- helping LGBTQ kids in Georgia
lost-n-found -- nonprofit working to take homeless LGBT youth off Atlanta's streets
SPARK -- reproductive justice (based in Atlanta)
Positive Impact -- Atlanta clinic working to help HIV positive people
Georgia Equality -- working for legislative equality for LGBTQ Georgians
Prevent Child Abuse Georgia
and non-locally:
the disabled young people's collective
generation five -- stopping child abuse in 5 generations
Legal Momentum
National Center for Transgender Equality
Soulforce -- stopping spiritual violence
Full Radius Dance -- a wheelchair-inclusive dance team
Oyate -- a Native American/American Indian advocacy and education organization
Justice Now -- helping women in prison, and fighting against the industrial prison complex

book/movie lists:
Bibrary Book Lust: LGBT Speculative Fiction Award Winners
Lambda Scifi recommended reading list
big queer movie list (with some reviews)

comics:
Khaos Komix: "a comic about gender and sexuality. It follows the lives of 8 main characters... finding themselves, falling in love, lust and like and how hard they fight to get there." Queer and trans characters!
YU+ME: dream: "a surreal love story. It is part high school romance, part journey/adventure story, and part total-mind-fuck."
Unicorn Jelly: a beautiful, imaginative metaphorical tale with lots of queer characters.

musicians who are out and sing about it:
Rae Spoon (out as trans, writes some about gender)
Sam Sparro (out as gay, writes some about social justice)
Ke / onetribe (out as gay, uses deliberately androgynous vocals and lyrics)
Missy Higgins (out as bi, writes some songs that show it)

blogs of queer and trans importance:
A Radical TransFeminist -- "queer issues, radical feminist issues, trans* issues and their many interplays."
Transmeditations -- on "transgender and queer identities, politics and liberation; film, media and television critical analyses; sex work and sex workers rights; fat politics and fat liberation movement; feminism, transfeminism and feminist theory and activism"
Tranifesto -- "offering information and opinion about transgender and transsexual issues and experience from someone who’s been there"
supermattachine -- "I have plans: overthrow oppressive forces, destroy rape culture, smash cissexism, demolish transphobia, rip apart ableism, fuck up whiteness and racism, stomp on sizeism, knit lace curtains."
Taking Up Too Much Space -- "a blog by a Chicago transsexual queer/woman who’s tired of making herself as small as possible to fit the demands of trans misogynistic feminism and trans activism"
Questioning Transphobia -- examining and critiquing transphobic events/attitudes
transactivisty -- blog by a Latina queer trans woman, from a personal perspective.
Sincerely, Natalie Reed -- "discussing transgenderism, trans-related issues, gender and sexuality, as well as other interests of mine like addiction (for example), from a specifically feminist and secular, skeptical angle."
TransGriot -- "news, opinions, commentary, history and a little creative writing from a proud African-American transwoman about the world around her"
leftytgirl -- personal blog of an American trans woman living in Canada, who cares about "science, truth, beauty, justice, laughter and love."

2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

( important events in 2011 )

2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

( important events in 2011 )

Lately I've been seriously struggling with rejection -- the last five or so people I expressed romantic interest in did not feel the same way. I find it difficult in general to initiate romance with people and I feel like I've experienced this as a setback -- even though individually it all makes sense and I certainly don't resent anyone for not returning my feelings, I irrationally feel like it's a pattern and it somehow means that I am undesirable to people, especially female or femme folk. I fret that I am too femme-looking or too bold, and people are either attracted to one or the other of those but not both -- and I feel like the queer community values female butchness and male femmeness over other expressions. (while I don't dress to appear feminine, the self-decorations I choose are stereotyped as femme, so...) I fret that I'm just not physically attractive -- even though I like how I look, I want to be appealing to people that I am attracted to, and when they express that they appreciate my mental/emotional self but aren't interested in romance with me, I feel like that means that there must be something wrong with my physical self. I had a resurgence of discomfort with my fatness this year, after years of being totally happy with it. And it's persisting, though decreasing now. I think that has to do with lack of body-positive community nowadays; I can't resist internalizing without conscious dissent. (I realized this when I felt happier just reading about a fat-activist group called "Pretty, Porky, and Pissed Off") I need to be doing more modeling -- that's such a good way for me to connect with my body and appreciate it as perfect within itself.

So now I feel scared of expressing any interest, because I'm just getting over the string of disappointments, and more disappointment feels like it would be really harmful for me right now. But I want to explore new interests, and I don't want to be letting fear tell me what to do, and I want to practice seeking out my own interests instead of passively responding. So I'm torn.

A new development that I am verrrry excited about is this twice-monthly gather that I've started hosting. I call it intimacy practice night. ( Here's the description: )

I'm super excited about intimacy practice because after just ONE TIME I can already feel the shift in myself and in my relationships with the people who attended the first one. I went into the first one thinking it would help me get to know people, but probably wouldn't stretch me, and I was surprised by how much it DID stretch me. After two hours we took a pause and during that time I realized that I felt incredibly vibrant and nourished, then when we did the last hour I experienced a decided step outside my comfort zone. I shared something in spite of the fact that I was worried it would make people feel judged or unappreciated, and it was received with kindness and understanding. I felt incredibly relieved and it really helped me to move forward emotionally in that area. I feel like this is a really good way of building my connections with people and everyone else seemed to appreciate it and be excited about continuing. I feel rather stunned at how gloriously lucky I am to have so many people not just willing but eager to practice intimacy and openness with me and with each other.

Also KSU now has a queer group on campus -- Non-Normative Anti-Assimilationists -- which I've helped create! I'm a board member for the group, which is brand new -- we just had our second member meeting yesterday. I'm also incredibly excited about this, for three reasons -- 1) queer community yay! 2) real change! I never would have thought to form a student organization with the intent of changing the school (working within) but Angie and Gaius and Laura did, and now I'm aware of all kinds of opportunities to make KSU more inclusive. 3) intersectionality. I really can't express my delight with that enough. I'm so sick of listening to people who are anti-prejudice in some way be willfully ignorant about all other forms of oppression -- that is not the case here. Calling people out on unrealized privilege is in the agreement one has to make to be part of the group; I'm planning on taking some of that agreement that we made and incorporating it into house rules, with the input of my housemates of course. ( the safe space agreements for N/A* )

Speaking of intersectionality, this is a must-read: MY FEMINISM WILL BE INTERSECTIONAL OR IT WILL BE BULLSHIT! Yes, the caps are appropriate. Re-reading this this afternoon was balm to my soul after hearing some anti-racists be smugly sexist today. It also helps after queers are ableist or feminists are racist. ALL aspects of oppression need to be dealt with and if you say it is okay to overlook any of them, I call bullshit.

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )

as I was lying in bed unable to sleep last night, I reflected on tattoos and even though I rather want "gender abolitionist" to be my first one, I also want to get something SOON and it's just become high-backed shirts weather :-< since I've moved "gender abolitionist" to my back, my right wrist has no tattoo planned, and I had a new idea (or two) and I want to know:

[Poll #1625527]

also, which design idea do you like more? the word on the wrist or the tag on the hand?

as I was lying in bed unable to sleep last night, I reflected on tattoos and even though I rather want "gender abolitionist" to be my first one, I also want to get something SOON and it's just become high-backed shirts weather :-< since I've moved "gender abolitionist" to my back, my right wrist has no tattoo planned, and I had a new idea (or two) and I want to know:

[Poll #1625527]

also, which design idea do you like more? the word on the wrist or the tag on the hand?

I keep daydreaming about last summer, of how I had a sense of queer community for the first time, and actually knew other genderqueer people, and could talk about gender with people (in agreement rather than in argument or explanation -- I value those too but they're not satisfying if that's all I get). I wish I had words to explain it. I need to make it a priority to attend some of the queer events happening in Atlanta, because at this point the lack of consonance is costing me more than the time, effort, and gas to go there.

I did go to my first "pride alliance" meeting at school today, ( ........ )

I know I'm sorta a broken record on the subject but it's occupying my free mind space lately. Pretty intensely. I was talking to Kyle about it lately -- about how some people have higher priorities than being "out" as queer or genderqueer but I don't, because for me it is like a calling. And that was a new realization for me -- this isn't just one step which, once learned, I will lose passion for. I've already learned it to the level I learned self-love, and it's just become a stronger and stronger force in my life. I'm meant to be a genderqueer catalyst -- it's part of what I need to do with my life.

encouragingly! Kate Bornstein has a new book out! and Christie Elan-Cane is making some headway for genderfree and genderqueer people in the UK. (if you live in the UK and you support those who do not wish to be identified as "m" or "f," please read this) and one family has allowed their transsexual child to choose to delay puberty to allow for easier sex change (please ignore the "this is a MEDICAL CONDITION and it's RARE don't worry you can't catch it" tone) and zir father changed in reaction to this, instead of trying to "fix" zir child. "I learned real change means acceptance—not tolerance—and an acceptance that includes equal rights and freedoms for my daughter as I’d want for her friends. With time my wife would also begin to forgive me for the time when I denied the truth to try to protect my fragile dream. As I changed, I learned a lot from others too. People who were not on board with the needs of our transgender child taught me that changing people’s perception of “normal” was essential, not just for my daughter’s safety, but for the safety of all children that are perceived as different."

I keep daydreaming about last summer, of how I had a sense of queer community for the first time, and actually knew other genderqueer people, and could talk about gender with people (in agreement rather than in argument or explanation -- I value those too but they're not satisfying if that's all I get). I wish I had words to explain it. I need to make it a priority to attend some of the queer events happening in Atlanta, because at this point the lack of consonance is costing me more than the time, effort, and gas to go there.

I did go to my first "pride alliance" meeting at school today, ( ........ )

I know I'm sorta a broken record on the subject but it's occupying my free mind space lately. Pretty intensely. I was talking to Kyle about it lately -- about how some people have higher priorities than being "out" as queer or genderqueer but I don't, because for me it is like a calling. And that was a new realization for me -- this isn't just one step which, once learned, I will lose passion for. I've already learned it to the level I learned self-love, and it's just become a stronger and stronger force in my life. I'm meant to be a genderqueer catalyst -- it's part of what I need to do with my life.

encouragingly! Kate Bornstein has a new book out! and Christie Elan-Cane is making some headway for genderfree and genderqueer people in the UK. (if you live in the UK and you support those who do not wish to be identified as "m" or "f," please read this) and one family has allowed their transsexual child to choose to delay puberty to allow for easier sex change (please ignore the "this is a MEDICAL CONDITION and it's RARE don't worry you can't catch it" tone) and zir father changed in reaction to this, instead of trying to "fix" zir child. "I learned real change means acceptance—not tolerance—and an acceptance that includes equal rights and freedoms for my daughter as I’d want for her friends. With time my wife would also begin to forgive me for the time when I denied the truth to try to protect my fragile dream. As I changed, I learned a lot from others too. People who were not on board with the needs of our transgender child taught me that changing people’s perception of “normal” was essential, not just for my daughter’s safety, but for the safety of all children that are perceived as different."

I had a minor meltdown Saturday night from all the things I wrote about earlier that day. I'm feeling somewhat better now, partly because my repeating to myself, "it's okay to fail, it's okay for things to fall apart, you can always put them back together again" finally sank in, partly because the "scary" professor gave me good marks on my first paper despite my mistakes (and told me exactly what they were), and partly because yesterday ( I contradicted my sociology professor and ze didn't react negatively at all )

I also realized that part of the reason being around lots of people is bothering me is that I cannot communicate with them all. I've gotten used to at least having the option of discussing meaningful things with everyone I meet and thus mutually breaking down the initial stereotypes. Now I often sit in public areas at school where hundreds of people flow in and out and I cannot possibly talk to them all. I cannot correct their mistaken assumptions about me, nor can I correct my mistaken assumptions about them. It makes me want to wear my thoughts. I think this is part of the reason I used to paint t-shirts in high school -- I wanted a way of communicating SOMETHING true about me with everyone who saw me. And it's the reason I'm feeling increasing urgency about getting some of my tattoos, especially this one that Anita markered on me:

( photos )

and I have more to say on feeling alienated because of genderqueerness and excited about sharing feminism with a curious person but I have to get back to studying now.

I had a minor meltdown Saturday night from all the things I wrote about earlier that day. I'm feeling somewhat better now, partly because my repeating to myself, "it's okay to fail, it's okay for things to fall apart, you can always put them back together again" finally sank in, partly because the "scary" professor gave me good marks on my first paper despite my mistakes (and told me exactly what they were), and partly because yesterday ( I contradicted my sociology professor and ze didn't react negatively at all )

I also realized that part of the reason being around lots of people is bothering me is that I cannot communicate with them all. I've gotten used to at least having the option of discussing meaningful things with everyone I meet and thus mutually breaking down the initial stereotypes. Now I often sit in public areas at school where hundreds of people flow in and out and I cannot possibly talk to them all. I cannot correct their mistaken assumptions about me, nor can I correct my mistaken assumptions about them. It makes me want to wear my thoughts. I think this is part of the reason I used to paint t-shirts in high school -- I wanted a way of communicating SOMETHING true about me with everyone who saw me. And it's the reason I'm feeling increasing urgency about getting some of my tattoos, especially this one that Anita markered on me:

( photos )

and I have more to say on feeling alienated because of genderqueerness and excited about sharing feminism with a curious person but I have to get back to studying now.

It's been four weeks since I started classes again and it just hit me that this path I've committed to is not what I want for my life. I don't want a safe degree and a good job with a steady paycheck. I want to run away, I want to be free, I want to live on the edges and scrape by, I want to live out of my car, I want to have just enough to survive. At this point though, I feel like I've made a commitment and I have to see it through. But everything about it feels so WRONG. The ridiculous hoops one has to jump through to 'prove' that one has learned, the rating of progress by numbers. I loathe it. I just want to live. Why are there so many damn rules about how to do that?

And for whatever reason, it seems to have set off my -- I don't know what to call it, cisgender dysphoria? -- ( I feel completely alienated and disconnected )

It does NOT HELP that people keep faking agreement with my genderfree philosophy and then saying "oh just kidding, I think you're a dumbass/liar/whore." (I'm not kidding or exaggerating) How can I have genuine conversations with people about gender when they either just don't understand what I'm saying or they understand it and don't care about it or they fake agreement to get something and then reveal it for a lie when the attempt fails? Why does no one care that people aren't allowed to be fully human?

I just want to live in a world where everyone is uncomfortable with prefabricated, limited identity and everyone shows their trueself and everyone refuses to rate other people and everyone calls out faking or non-thinking actions. Why is that so fucking impossible to find?

It's been four weeks since I started classes again and it just hit me that this path I've committed to is not what I want for my life. I don't want a safe degree and a good job with a steady paycheck. I want to run away, I want to be free, I want to live on the edges and scrape by, I want to live out of my car, I want to have just enough to survive. At this point though, I feel like I've made a commitment and I have to see it through. But everything about it feels so WRONG. The ridiculous hoops one has to jump through to 'prove' that one has learned, the rating of progress by numbers. I loathe it. I just want to live. Why are there so many damn rules about how to do that?

And for whatever reason, it seems to have set off my -- I don't know what to call it, cisgender dysphoria? -- ( I feel completely alienated and disconnected )

It does NOT HELP that people keep faking agreement with my genderfree philosophy and then saying "oh just kidding, I think you're a dumbass/liar/whore." (I'm not kidding or exaggerating) How can I have genuine conversations with people about gender when they either just don't understand what I'm saying or they understand it and don't care about it or they fake agreement to get something and then reveal it for a lie when the attempt fails? Why does no one care that people aren't allowed to be fully human?

I just want to live in a world where everyone is uncomfortable with prefabricated, limited identity and everyone shows their trueself and everyone refuses to rate other people and everyone calls out faking or non-thinking actions. Why is that so fucking impossible to find?

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )

Once I realized that I had developed the habit of stopping and waiting at doors when walking with a male person, I decided that such a habit was not something I wanted to keep; I don't think it's kind for me to expect courtesy instead of sometimes accepting and sometimes offering it. So, probably about a year ago, I started opening and holding the door if I arrived there first, and occasionally skipping ahead to arrive first. (by 'holding the door' I don't mean walking through and holding it just long enough for the other person to catch it -- I mean pulling the door open, stepping aside, and letting the other person through first, then entering also, so that they never have to touch the door) It's been quite interesting to see the reactions to this. Female people who are roughly my age will say thank you and walk through with a slightly confused look on their faces. Female people who are older will say thank you and then hold the door for themselves anyway, as if they fear that I'm going to let it go to hit them.

Male people of any age react in very similar ways -- they either say nothing and take the door from me, or they stand well back and say, "no, you first." If I offer a second time some will walk through, but I've actually had some male people refuse again, either verbally or by shaking their heads and pulling the door further open (sometimes forcing me to duck under their arm to get through the door). That has to be the emptiest gesture I can think of -- not only is it illogical and a waste of time/energy (and often creates more work for me, as I have to walk around/under them), but to reject a courtesy is a disrespect that invalidates the respect one could show by holding the door. I think that perhaps the conscious desire is to be perceived as a polite person, but I wonder if perhaps a subconscious reason could be that to accept such a courtesy is not "masculine," and they do not want to lose their masculine image by acting in the assigned role of a female person. (I think that for some it is mere habit, but for those who verbally refuse I think it is more than habit)

But I don't want to have a lengthy conversation with each person who refuses to walk through a door I hold, so I've thought up ( a short response )