There is no way to exclude oppression by sorting according to identity. There is no space that is safe for all people in it no matter how specific you get, because oppression is such a tangled web of interconnected forces.

I face oppression for being trans, queer, ADHD, autistic, hard of hearing (auditory processing disorder), anxious, depressed, non-binary, lower class, read as a woman, and fat. I face marginalization for being femme and gender-non-conforming, non-monogamous, and atheist. Not a single one of these identities would provide safety for me as a shared-identity group.

In trans-only spaces, I have faced classism, ableism, sexism, binary-ism (believing that non-binary is not real), thin supremacy, and marginalization. In queer-only and fat-only spaces, I faced all of those plus cis-centrism. In fat-only spaces, I have faced all of those. In non-monogamous, femme, and atheist spaces I have faced literally all of the isms that exist for me.

Non-binary spaces have been a safer space for me because anxiety, depression, autism, ADHD, and being poor are normalized, and of course non-binary people are affirmed as real, and straight cis people are not centered. However in non-binary spaces there is STILL a normative expectation of a "body journey" involving specific medical steps; there is a pattern of AMAB people feeling unwelcome or alienated due to being tokenized; being femme is devalued; and other oppressive forces like racism, ableism, and thin supremacy are present. Everyone is assumed to be non-disabled when it comes to sensory or motor disabilities. I have noticed that the thinner, white, masc-aesthetic AFAB people are more likely to speak up and come back and I feel like that means we are not providing enough sense of community to fat people, AMAB people, femme people, and people of color.

Disability justice has been a safer space for me because depression, anxiety, autism, and ADHD are normalized, and often being poor is normalized as well (but almost as often, classist assumptions are made). But there is still a lack of effort on the part of sighted, hearing people and people who do not have mobility or dexterity disabilities to make sure that all resources are accessible. There is still a stigma against people with cluster-B mental health diagnoses. Cis-centrism, sexism, and thin supremacy are common.

A lot of cis people can be accidentally hurtful and exhausting to be around due to their ignorance of trans-ness, but I have friends who I forget are cis, because they have put in real effort to unlearn habits that center cis people. And I have known people who are trans who make me feel incredibly unsafe because they want to enforce some kind of trans identity standard.

A lot of men enact oppression by talking over others, dismissing people, expecting to be served, etc, but I have friends who are men who are much less likely to do this than many women I know. That is because this behavior comes from being part of the dominant class and is just most OBVIOUS in men (where it is celebrated).

I have never felt safe from sexism in a women-only space, not to mention the lack of safety from cis-centrism and binary-ism. And I have read from many Black women and other women of color who have said that women-only spaces that include white women are usually (if not always) unsafe for women of color.

I do think that having groups where everyone shares an identity can be very healing and is absolutely necessary when that identity is devalued or erased. But there is no escape from oppression, and the illusion of escaping it only exists for those who are the most privileged in the space.

Instead of framing a shared-identity space as a safe space where people can be "free," I want us to frame them as a safer space where everyone is as open to recognizing difference as they are to recognizing sameness. I want safer spaces to be places where expressions of oppression are called out with the goal of everyone learning and growing, and the understanding that everyone needs to learn about their own privilege and change.

I do not value loyalty over ethics, especially when it comes to sexual assault. Being my friend doesn't mean I will ignore or excuse what you do to someone else, even if it is someone I dislike or don't trust.

I also do not throw people away without being sure that I should. People make mistakes. Literally everyone who has sex will make some kind of consent mistake at some point.

So to bring these things together:

When I learn that someone I am friends with has violated another person's consent, I feel it is my responsibility to reach out to my friend and say "please explain." Then from that explanation (or lack thereof) I will decide if my friend's actions make them an unsafe person or not.

A safe person:
1) made a mistake, which was not a conscious choice to disregard the other person's boundaries
2) responded to learning it was a mistake by sincerely apologizing, offering to do whatever they can to help the victim in the healing process, and changing the way they interact with all people to prevent it happening again.

An unsafe person:
1) made a boundary-violating choice on purpose to try and get the victim to do something they would not want to do if they had all the information, or something they clearly expressed not wanting
And/OR
2) responded to learning it was a mistake by trying to explain it away or defending the choice
And/OR
3) did not offer or did not follow through on what the victim said would be helpful
And/OR
4) did not change the way they interact with all people to prevent it happening again.

If my friend didn't realize that they should do 2, 3, and 4, but is willing and does something like those after I mention it, I would not consider them unsafe. If they are not willing to do these things they are no longer my friend.

When your parents or childhood caretakers have abused you, it is profoundly important to admit that it was abuse* (at least to yourself), regardless of your current relationship. Childhood is where you get your sense of normal; if you were abused as a child, your subconscious sees abuse as normal until you retrain it.

Trying to just "see the best" in your caretaker's actions or excuse their behavior is not a positive habit because if you don't label their behavior as wrong, you are extremely likely to end up doing the same thing. You might not do it exactly the same ways, but you can't tell what to avoid until you face it with complete honesty. There are just too many ways to act it out without even realizing.

You can still love them if they abused you. You don't have to throw them away to acknowledge that what they did was wrong (but also if you want to throw them away, that is 100% fine). Even loving parents can be abusive and often are, because it is common for abuse to stem from a sheer lack of understanding of what is going to be helpful.

Sometimes when they are trying their best to be good parents is when they cause the most damage. Their intentions do not make up for their behavior. You can acknowledge that they tried to be good while actually doing harm.

*I'm defining abuse here as actions or neglect by caretakers which caused long-term emotional or physical harm to the child they raised.

So when Saleena died and I started thinking about the people I didn't want to miss the chance to connect with, I emailed Evelyn a very short message saying that I hope life is going well for them, and then a few days ago they replied and asked to hang out. I said okay and gave them options and they chose this past Wednesday. I then put it out of my mind as much as possible so that I didn't fret or get my hopes up -- I think subconsciously I was expecting them to cancel. But they didn't!

They came over and we talked for about 2 hours. It was a meaningful conversation though uncomfortable in several ways. I initially asked them what they valued about me and they talked about my integrity and justice-minded-ness and how they wanted to create a project for social change with me. I told them that their response worried me as I feel like they are interacting with me like I am an idea and not a person. They responded "that is a fair concern" which was both reassuringly honest and dismayingly fear-affirming.

I said I am not looking to start a big project right now as I am in need of a rest period after years of financial trauma and lots of loss, and I don't know how long I need this rest period to be but I am guessing at least a year. What I want to create right now is a web of connections which are mutually nourishing, healing, and growthful. I added that I don't find it nourishing to be admired or to be an inspiration to others. They listened and seemed to take in what I was saying, and they apologized for not being nourishing when we were together before.

They expressed that they didn't feel disappointed or distressed that I don't want to start a project with them right now, which is good but that left me again with no answer about what they are looking for (I don't think they know). They said they didn't want to make promises and I emphatically agreed that I don't want them to make promises. That was part of the problem last time: it was part of the reason I got so hurt and I think that the pressure of those promises was part of the reason they just disappeared. I do however want to know their desires and whatever factors they are aware of that influence the experience of those desires (so I said this).

They asked me if I consider them trustworthy and I said I trust them not to intentionally hurt me, and to try to avoid hurting me by anything I specifically mention as hurtful but I don't trust them to know what is hurtful and not do it without me mentioning. I didn't mention it at the time because it didn't occur to me but I also don't trust them not to cut contact, which is something I find hurtful and I know they are aware of that.

They asked if I think they are a reliable source on their own self and I said no. I think to be that, one has to practice self-awareness daily and when you are in crisis, many times you cannot be self-aware: for survival you have to shut down to your own thoughts and feelings. And I think they have been in crisis as long as I have known them. They were unsurprised that I said no, but taken aback by my reasoning as they hadn't thought of themselves as in crisis but on reflecting, think that that is probably true.

We talked a lot about managing the impulse to give the people we love whatever we think they want, even to a damaging extent. I touched on How Loss of Alone Time, Constant Caretaking, & Medication Stigma Almost Killed Me and how constant caretaking without sufficient rest is damaging for caretaker, caretaken, & the relationship... "it is ultimately damaging for the person who is being taken care of. Coming to depend on someone for your needs and then having that ripped suddenly away when they run out of ability is profoundly destabilizing and terrifying, and it is inevitable because no one has infinite energy or the ability to give endlessly without being nourished enough to refill. If you love the person you're caretaking and you want to help them the most you can, you MUST take care of yourself. Otherwise you are setting them up for a really, really awful crash (and setting yourself up for the same)."

They talked about how they felt that part of the problem last time for them was getting distracted with sex, and I couldn't relate because I know I wouldn't have wanted sex if I didn't feel emotionally connected, but I understood that they probably had a different experience. I told them that I wanted sex and romance with them but that I could turn those desires off if they wanted, and they said no. We talked around it for a bit and I felt like they were hinting at wanting a nonsexual relationship but weren't admitting it even to themself, but the more we talked about it the more I felt like that was the case. So I told them that I wanted to be romantic but not sexual with them at least for a while -- if they liked that idea -- and they enthusiastically said yes.

Later we talked about it more and they clarified that they do in fact want to be nonsexual with me (I was relieved for them to be direct with me) and they also want to be romantic. I do think it would be a good idea to keep sex off the table for a while because sex tends to make me impatient but I'm a bit concerned over definitions because the line between sex and romance gets muddy for me. Especially when it comes to kissing, as I can and have had orgasms purely from kisses. To maintain a non-sexual demeanor will require putting some really strict limits on romantic stuff. It's easy to do when the other person doesn't want sex because then I just don't want it. It's much MUCH more difficult when the person is ambivalent.

Then this past weekend Quinn hosted hearts and crafts and Evelyn attended. I felt as awkward as an eel on land, but later I realized that a lot of that was fear that Quinn wouldn't want to be my friend anymore if Evelyn and I were dating. But Quinn felt, if anything different, more warm and friendly than before. Hearts and crafts is so important to me and I feel really protective of it. I want everyone to stay feeling wanted and belonging (which I hope they feel now) and so I'm definitely not ready to introduce any new people to it. I sent this to Evelyn:

btw, you had mentioned wanting to attend more hearts and crafts, and I said I need to check with people which is true but is not the first step. Right now I feel wary of how things may develop or falter between us, and I'm very protective of hearts n crafts. I'd say it's my second most important relationship right now, after Topaz. So I need to feel like I can depend on the me-you connection before I am comfortable asking for everyone to expand the group. I'm fine with you attending whenever Quinn hosts but other than that I want to wait, because the idea of us-ness crumbling and that poisoning h&c is horrible. Does all that make sense? I am worried that this will hurt your feelings but I want to be totally honest and open with you.

They responded saying, in gist, that they understand and support my choice, and I thanked them and added that I do very much want them to be part of it, but I can't risk hurting my people by proxy again. In the past I have encouraged my friends to invest in people and then had to watch them suffer when the people I vouched for hurt them. Before I even passively encourage people to invest in someone now, I need to ask myself if I have proof that this person is more likely to be net-positive for my friends rather than net-negative. And if I have no proof I have to wait.

It is EXTREMELY weird to be the more-cautious one for once. I'm always jumping in the dark water and THEN checking for leeches but this time I'm doing a careful sweep with one limb and inspecting it as I move from spot to spot.

1. More LJ!
2. Host more gathers. 
3. Work on my journal-book! 
4. Make some fractals! 
5. Be amazing at work. 
6. Be in nature more. 
7. Maintain and develop my relationship with Topaz. 
8. Strengthen my local connections.
9. Strengthen my long-distance connections. 
10. Keep life records.
11. Make new friends. 
12. More physical exertion & stronger muscles. 
13. Be more active with art. 
14. Touch more people and connect intimately with people. 
15. Invest in my home and self-decorating.
16. Reach out first. 
17. Do activism. 
18. Witness more art and write about it. 


I edited them slightly because number 14 and 15 were very similar so I combined those and made a new number 15, because it is a goal I have been working towards which is also important to me.

January successes:

1. More LJ! I had my longest streak in at least a year, 11 days, and I posted an average of every other day. I'm really getting back in again! I was worried I would never manage it.

2. Host more gathers. It was only one gather which was only me and one other person, but still definitely progress! And I did a lot of work on my crafting stuff organization, which gets me closer to being able to host more.

3. Work on my journal-book! I have decided to include my life timeline on this one, which was the thing I worked on this month. I created the event pieces for 2006 and the first half of 2007, and I attached them to the pages. Describing them would be a LOT of typing so I don't think I will post them, at least not in detail. I may take an overview photo.

5. Be amazing at work. I had my performance evaluation and earned full marks, plus praise on my interpersonal skills (which honestly I would not have expected since I can be so clueless, but apparently my empathy shines through). I feel like I am really making great contributions and I think everyone on the team wants me here.

7. Maintain and develop my relationship with Topaz. We started going swimming together once a week, which has been a great time for us to play and talk and simply share space in a place that is relatively stress-free. We can put aside the other responsibilities because they are impossible to do at the same time and because we are being productive by exercising our bodies. The pool where we swim is heated (otherwise HAHA AS IF I would swim in winter!) and it has a "lazy river" with a current. One of our exercises/games is running through the water while the other person holds on to us and gets a ride. The extra current makes it way more fun, and it is still a workout to try to go faster than the current!

8. Strengthen my local connections. I hosted a hearts and crafts gather and attended one that Allison hosted, which together was spending time with Quinn, Allison, and Sande. I also had an 11-day streak of snapchatting daily with Kylei, which was a lovely way of connecting, and have been snapping pretty regularly with Quinn and Jackie.

9. Strengthen my long-distance connections. I have been snapchatting with chillychilly22, Sunny, and a little with Donovan (mostly me sending stuff). I have been reading my lj friends list more regularly and I'm starting to feel close with some new-ish friends, which is exciting!

10. Keep life records. I have been doing my daylio twice a day every day this month! and I also saved my dreams a number of times. mega fail on writing down my best/worst/weird but I will try again.

11. Make new friends. I added a bunch of new people on LJ and I think some of us will become real friends!

12. More physical exertion & stronger muscles. I achieved my activity goals 16 times! Very proud of that and I am starting to feel much stronger, and it takes longer for me to get worn out. I still sweat a ton but it takes more exertion before I start sweating. Most days my activity is a brisk 1.5 mile march while carrying about 20 pounds in my backpack. I may add ankle weights starting next week just to increase my lower leg muscles.

I've also been swimming once a week with Topaz -- we play the sleigh-pulling game I mentioned and also I generally just keep moving the whole time I am in the water, which is about 70-90 minutes. I like to do this thing where I spin around in the water without touching the bottom and without my head going in, which is both fun and challenging. I have already noticed significantly increased strength in my core from that! Afterwards I am ravenous but also feel good in every part of my body. I love that about swimming! It is the only exercise that easily uses my whole body, yet I never feel exhausted in a bad way after. I just feel relaxed and sleepy, like after a great massage.

13. Be more active with art. I have been posting photos and fractals on instagram, with image descriptions. It has been very rewarding!

15. Invest in my home and self-decorating. I've done a lot with this! I made my bathroom acceptably tidy and clean, and organized a good 75 percent of my craft stuff. I got some more baskets so I should be able to have it all looking very neat the next time I attack it. I had a lot of craft stuff at Topaz' which still needs sorting, but it should be easy now that everything has a potential home.

I've been keeping my room relatively tidy and I even FOLDED MY CLEAN CLOTHES and put them away. I made a hanging rack for my winter scarves because they are too heavy for my light-scarf rack. I re-organized my clothes so that it is easy to create outfits, and I have been self-decorating (putting together an intentional, creative outfit) every day since I did that (as opposed to just grabbing something work-appropriate). It makes me feel good to self-decorate and soon I plan to take photos of my outfits (on me) and share them.

16. Reach out first. I have been pretty great about this, but I need to set a limit because after a certain number of times of me reaching out and not getting a response, I feel unvalued.

17. Do activism. My activism this month was mainly writing about consent violations, vaccines and anti-autism attitudes, and my sexual identity, but another significant part was writing image descriptions on my instagram. I feel passionate about making visual art accessible to people who are blind or who have low vision, and I think that sharing my art in an accessible way is a good way to push the culture toward that. I also have instagram post to my work facebook, where all my biofamily and family-in-love are, and I hope to increase awareness of the need for a described internet this way.

Goals I missed in January:
4. Make fractals.
6. Be in nature more. 
14.  Touch more people and connect intimately with people. 
18. Witness & write about art.

I'm gonna try to do at least a little more of these this month. I'm reeeeeally hoping that my car doesn't cost too much to fix, so that I can buy Chaotica for rendering fractals without the program crashing.

do you consider your own sexuality fluid? If so, how has it changed over time? Regardless, how did you come to discover and embrace your sexual identity(ies)?

I think my sexuality has always been the same, but my experience and understanding of it has evolved. When I was a teenager, I was so restricted from knowledge about sexuality that I identified as straight despite the fact that I had more than twice as many sex dreams about girls as I did about boys (and I didn't know any other kind of person existed). It literally did not occur to me that I could be anything other than straight, because I wasn't lacking in crushes on boys. I don't think I even heard the word bisexual until I was in college.

How is this possible? Well, I was in private christian schools until 4th grade, when I went to public school for one year before being homeschooled 5th to 10th. The internet was still a toddler (google didn't exist until I was in ninth grade and didn't become really useful until a few years later), my house didn't have cable tv, and I wasn't allowed to socialize outside of school, except with people who lived as restrictedly as I did (and even with them, only once or twice a month). I had only books to teach me about relationships, and there were no queer people in them.

I think it was actually Angelina Jolie who taught me the concept of bisexual and the concept of genderfucking, via quotes people shared about Jolie on livejournal. "Honestly, I like everything, boyish girls, girlish boys, the heavy and the skinny." Reading that quote was my first time relating to anyone who expressed attraction! and still, there are very few who feel this way, because even among people who don't identify as monosexual, most people don't consider genderfucking people or fat people to be attractive. We look "weird" or "wrong" to the average person due to sexist and cis-sexist assumptions.

It was a few years after I learned what bisexuality was that I came to identify as bisexual, because I was strongly influenced by the popular cultural myth that unless you had experiences with men and women, you couldn't identify as bisexual. I would guess that at about age 21 I learned that bisexual people exist and at 23 I began identifying as bisexual. At about age 25 I learned that non-binary people exist and changed my self-label to queer to make it clear that I liked non-binary people too. This was before bisexual people queered the definition of bisexual to its current meaning of "attracted to people of 1) my own and 2) other genders."

A few years later, age 28 I realized that I was trans and non-binary, which further complicated my sexual identity as most ideas of identity start with who you are -- for instance men who are attracted to men are called gay while women who are attracted to men are called straight. Fortunately, "queer" is an umbrella term that always means "not hetero" and otherwise can mean pretty much anything.

Despite identifying as bisexual and queer since age 23, it took me until age 30 to feel sure that I was right about my identity. Even though I had had a number of romantic and sexual relationships with non-men, there's this attitude among mainstream gays that until you've done certain sex acts or had 'primary' relationships with people who were assigned the same sex as you, you don't 'count' as queer. The sexuality-policing heterocentrism is as common and intense among binary gay people as it is among binary straight people. We should be able to claim our identities without having to perform, just like straight people who have never had sex do. But it is a struggle.

It was a few years after I began identifying as queer when I learned what asexual meant, but like with bisexual, I came across a very restrictive definition and it took a while before I even learned the word demisexual. I had to work up my courage to claiming that label as well, because while it is true that I need to feel emotionally intimate to begin to feel sexual attraction, I had a period in my life where that wasn't always true, so I had to deconstruct a binary to claim my demisexual identity. I was 30 when I finally claimed this part of my identity.

When I was a kid, a teen, and a young adult I didn't know what I was, because I didn't have words for it. Once I learned the words, in every case I had to unlearn the shitty gate-keeping definitions in order to claim my identity. When you think you are cis, straight, and allosexual (having an average or high sex drive), society will never pressure you with "are you SURE?" or "but WHY are you that way?" -- you just get affirmed as who you are. If you are not those things (especially if you are trans), you have to be more sure than you have ever been because people will question you and invalidate you constantly.

As you can tell by the fact that it took me three decades to learn who I am, representation is vital. I have seen trans people on tv now but they're never asexual, rarely non-binary, and usually straight. Maybe two characters that I have seen in my life are queer and non-binary (Vex from Lost Girl and Nomi from Sense8) and that is only a guess as their identity is never mentioned and they use typical gendered pronouns -- and both are shown as highly sexual. If I had ever seen a character like me on screen I would have instantly known "that's me!" but instead I had to fumble in the dark and each time I found a part of my identity it was taken away several times before I got a permanent hold on it. If I had had an example, that would never have happened.

Straight, cis, allosexual people should have their identities questioned at least by their intimate people (parents, best friends, lovers) to help them understand themselves and to increase their empathy with people who are not like them. Queer, trans, and asexual/demisexual people should be questioned less often in general and NEVER by non-intimate people. The same as you wouldn't ask someone who you're not intimate with about what they discuss in therapy or what they like in sex, you don't ask them why they identify the way they do. That is demanding a vulnerability from them that you have not earned the right to ask. If you feel like you need to know their why in order to accept their identity as legitimate, that's due to your ignorance and cis-sexism and you need to do some serious self-examining.

So Topaz is moving from the place they have lived the entire time I have known them, which is reminiscent of me moving because I spend probably a good half of my free time (or more) at their house. We have already taken 2 car loads to my house and there are still some things there that will need to be brought over. While it's sort of stressful and now my living room is once again filled with stuff that needs sorting and putting away, it also feels good to be pulling stuff back to my house.

I didn't realize that I felt sort of back-burner stressed about having so much stuff over there, but it makes sense because it felt disorganized, especially having my craft stuff over there. I feel low-level constant stress when my stuff is not organized, because it feels like I am not respecting it. Ever since I was a child, I have felt like things have feelings and all things want to be noticed and used. I feel like it is unethical to keep things you don't love or use because they could be with someone who will actually value them. That's why I am getting rid of so many of my books -- if I will literally never read it, I am disrespecting it by keeping it.

When I was a little kid I took this ethic of "whoever will love it most should have it" to an extreme, and I would steal from people if I felt they weren't loving their things enough. Some of my most prized possessions as a child were things I stole. I would also give away my things if I felt like someone else loved them more.

Now that I am an adult, I realize there are more things to consider than "who will love it most." While I still don't believe in ownership of anything you didn't make or customize, I know that other people do, and I know that people will feel violated by being stolen from, so of course I don't do it. But that's not because I think it is inherently wrong, but rather because of the effect it has within this society. I never want to cause someone to feel violated and that is a higher ethic to me than possibly anything else.

1. being triggered is literal torture, not mere dislike or discomfort.
   
2. your thoughts can get stuck in loops that take outside intervention to fix.
   
3. pressuring someone into a sensory experience (taste touch smell sound sight) may force people to relive trauma. don't.
   
4. The wrong therapist is a waste of time and it will wear you down trying to get help from them. if you don't click, move on as quickly as you can.
   
5. it can look like laziness when people are literally doing their best because people have different amounts of energy.
   
6. falling in love or experiencing lots of joy doesn't cure chemical depression. Not even if it is literally the best thing you have ever experienced.
   
7. after a depression crisis is over, the recovery starts, but it can be long.
   
8. survival stress is cumulative and causes depression. If someone is scrambling to survive, expecting them to be reliable and present at any given point is unrealistic and sometimes cruel.

Anika prompted me to share my experience with mental illness and how it has influenced [my] life or personality.

I don't know exactly when I first became depressed but it developed between age 8 and 12, and by the time I was 13 I was praying almost all day every day for God to kill me. I didn't feel like I had the right to end my life or I would have. It eased up somewhat when I finally got my first real friend at 13, but it was still a fairly constant state for me until after I got out of my parents' house, got married, and went through 2 years of therapy for the sexual abuse I experienced as a child.


--- trigger: fear of unknown men, panic ---
During that 2 years, I was deeply afraid of all male strangers. When the apartment sent men around with leaf-blowers, I hid in the bedroom to put 2 doors between us. I held the axe and my breath and waited until I couldn't hear them any more. I knew, logically, that these people were unlikely to attack me. But logic didn't enter into it because I was in a state of triggered panic. I use the word triggered only very deliberately. Each time I knew men were within 10 feet of my doors or windows I was in a state of utter unthinking panic until they left. Heart pounding panic like you might feel if a bear is that close and staring right at you and growling. I couldn't go out alone. For months even going to the mailbox was too terrifying. (when I finally did go that 200 feet alone, I felt so proud of myself!).
--- end TW about terror of unknown men ---



--- trigger: penetrative sex causing flashback-like thoughts ---
The worst part was the triggers that would happen every time I had sex, starting with the first time I tried to have consensual penetrative sex. My body reacted by closing up. It felt horrible and I felt so guilty for not being able to do it, but I literally could not, no matter how much I wanted to! It got worse from there -- I started having horrible intrusive visions of children being violated whenever I would try to have sex that involved penetration. It was extremely difficult to think of sex as anything other than a source of pain, shame, loneliness, terror, and guilt. And I was so disappointed because with my conscious self, I wanted it! but my subconscious was much stronger.
--- end TW about penetrative sex ---


Relatedly, memories attach to weird things so don't ever insist that someone watch, listen to, smell, or taste things! because maybe that makes them feel a violation again in their mind, and they shouldn't have to tell you about it to get you to stop. Sometimes mental avoidance is an absolutely necessary coping strategy and if someone has to tell you "that makes me remember [traumatic event]" then you may be breaking their ability to stay out of a horrible loop of trauma replay.

The fear and intrusive thoughts were my main issue in that period of mental illness, but the amount of work I had to do on those things was so much that it made me feel hopeless. I felt like I would never get better. I wondered why bother living if every future day was going to involve reliving the worst feelings I had ever experienced. I kept going because I had a supportive partner who treated my healing as an important contribution he was making to the world.

Then about a year in, after three failed therapists and one therapist retiring, I found a therapist that I actually clicked with: one who had experienced worse trauma than I had and was now so free of triggers that they could sit next to their abuser without fear. The fact that they had healed that much made me feel that surely I could too, but it still was a long journey with a lot of pain in it.

Eventually we worked through a lot of previous traumas and I started to feel less scared and I was able to control my thoughts again. I started to feel normal, back to my old self. I still was sensitive to certain words, and movies with realistic (true to the experience of a victim, not glamorized rape myths) sexual abuse or rape would trigger me and make it so that my mind was trapped in a loop feeling that experience over and over, but those instances happened less and less often. I was able to go back to work. I was able to interact with strangers and go places by myself. I was able to perform the minimum required, like I had been before I started therapy.


Then there came a day when I suddenly realized that doing things didn't feel like slogging through cold mud. I even had energy to spare! I could be cheerful in the face of grumpiness! I could be social with strangers for hours and still do stuff when I got home - LOTS of stuff! I suddenly realized that I had never been lazy -- it was actually that I had lacked the energy to do more. All my energy had been going to running coping programs for the abuse that I endured.

When I didn't need to spend energy coping because I had processed enough of it, all that energy welled up and sprang out of me. I was so magical, so loving, so creative. I was outgoing, as I always knew my true self was. I felt able. I was not-depressed from 2006 to 2010, then had 8 months of depression, then was not-depressed again from mid-2011 to mid-2012. I was so, so active and productive in those 6 years, to the point that it boggles my mind now.


So through all that I learned that sometimes a thing you think everyone can do is literally impossible for some people, and that when people say they can't, it's not just an irresponsible way of saying "won't." If you can understand only one thing about mental illness, I want you to understand that you can't tell WHY someone can't do a thing and there isn't always external proof. You just have to trust them.

Later, I went into depression again because I spent more energy than I had, day after day, without getting nourished. It sounds like nothing, but I was more depressed from that than I was about the abuse, because with the abuse at least I got a clear path to healing, I got reassurance that healing was possible, and all kind people were supportive. Even kind people are generally not supportive of healing from depression that has "no real reason" and the acceptable "real" reasons are very limited. The attitude is "get over it already."

Not long after I realized the cause of that depression, I fixed the cause and began the most nourishing and healing connection of my life -- the thing I had always yearned for since I was small. Even though I had this new source of brilliant joy, I couldn't really feel it because the pain had worn such a rut in my brain that I couldn't get out. I could not access the happiness I knew my experiences should be giving me.


Every day I thought surely this is the worst it can get -- and then the next day was worse. It was so bad that I could not access any feelings except despair; I could not even care about the suffering of others, which has always been one of my primary motivations. When I thought about injustice and suffering and had no emotional response, I felt I had died inside and was no longer a person.


Finally I got desperate enough to go to the clinic and get medicine, which formed a protective layer over the bottom of the rut and allowed me to slowly heal, layer by layer, until the rut was gone. But then the protective layer kept me from feeling things deeply which started to make me feel like life was pointless, so I weaned myself off against medical advice. I know my own brain and I knew I no longer needed it because it had started to cause me harm rather than good.

That experience taught me that even with a perfect situation, even in a time that should be your happiest, if the chemicals in your brain are messed up you are not going to be able to be happy. The chemistry of your brain is stronger than the strongest will. Just like you can't will yourself out of mono, you can't will yourself out of depression.

Even though the crisis-level depression was over after 8 months of medication, the depression was not gone. It's like after a long illness when it finally breaks -- the healing is not done because the sickness is over, because your body has to recover from the battle. My mind had to recover, and that process was slowed by the constant and massive amount of energy I had to put into surviving because my job didn't pay enough for me to live on. For a while that process was not just slowed but reversed by the exhaustion of scraping a survival on what I could beg from my biofamily while I tried to convince employers that I was a valuable person and they should hire me and pay me a living wage.


When your ability to feed and shelter yourself is in constant doubt, there is no rest from the emotional and mental drain. Even when you are not actively worrying, it takes so much energy to keep it out of your conscious mind. Daily survival stress is cumulative and from myself and others I have seen, it always creates depression. Extra energy exists in a world of unicorns and dragons, and to think that you can have it while fighting to survive is a laugh.

A year ago I finally found a job that is perfect for me and pays me a living wage. Since then I have begun healing again, very slowly. I have only just now started feeling like I can actually count on this job, despite always doing my best and often getting appreciative comments from coworkers. I have only in the past few months started feeling like I can count on being able to stay in the place where I live.


I also have SAD (seasonal affective depression) but I have mostly learned how to cope with this so that it doesn't affect me too much. The most important part is that I have to get enough sleep on a fairly regular sleep schedule, and I HAVE to get up at LEAST three hours before dark. I have to get outside every day even if it's just 5 min, even if there is no sun. I need to drink lots of hot drinks (coffee, hot chocolate, tea) and try to stay as warm as possible. I need to eat regularly. I need to use my sunlight lamp as close to daily as I can manage.

What are the parts of your identity that you have labels for? (list and then define)

Part 3: my heart and spirit parts.

How I understand the world and express myself (heart): these are parts of me that form my lens for understanding myself and my tools for expressing myself.

atheist / nontheist Quaker spiritualist

I'll work backwards on this one: I am a spiritualist because I believe in finding meaning in things that are objectively meaningless. If I find a perfectly heart-shaped rock, I choose to assign the meaning that I am on the right path and the universe is affirming me. If I find a phallus-shaped mushroom, I choose to assign the meaning that a benificent magical being is jokingly reminding me of a dream I had once. If I want to make a change in my life I will write a spell and chant it because when I do that, I get what I asked for -- I don't care how it works and I'm not gonna disbelieve in my own experience. I don't care if these meanings only exist for me.

I'm a Quaker because I believe that everyone has the ability to find truth and create meaning. I value the same things that Quakers do, particularly equality and community. I love that Quakers literally will put their bodies on the line for equality, and are careful to consider it in their organizing: it's not just lip service. I love that Quakers believe in consensus decision-making and reject the practice of outsourcing their responsibility to a leader, whether religious or political. I feel very nourished by the Quaker practice of unprogrammed communal worship/meditation with optional sharing (if someone has a realization which may be helpful to others).

Technically I believe in what I call gods, but what I think many would not. I believe in ideas as forces of their own, which are created by shared thought. Sometimes these ideas can feel very person-like and some people can interact with them in beneficial or harmful ways; I call these deities. Deliberate worship is the most effective way to make one but it can be done accidentally, and most often is. I think the flying spaghetti monster has been made pretty real, which is hilarious. Other accidentally-created gods are every person depicted on money, many military leaders, everyone who has had multiple biographies written about them (including and especially hitler), the victoria's secret angel (who people worship by torturing their own bodies) and infinite others, some living only for a few weeks.

I choose to worship certain deities that I resonate with, and I have had strange and wondrous things happen as a result. I don't care if I am making it up and it is not true for anyone else: it is true for me and I like it, so I retain it. Deity worship is not a pillar of my belief system but it is a very soft warm rug that I sometimes lay on.

So if I believe in gods, by my definition, why am I an atheist? This one evolved very recently - as in, after I started writing this post. I was talking with a friend about why they don't consider me a theist, and why atheism is an important perspective, and that made me realize something new to me. Previously when discussing this I got stuck on the fact that I don't think there is anything inherently wrong in believing in gods, but while that is true it doesn't mean there is no harm done. An appeal to authority reinforces all appealing to authority, which I do not want to do. Since I think that I both believe and don't believe in gods, I have a choice to make identity-wise and I choose the anti-authority identity. I'm not yet sure if non-theist or atheist is more true of me, so I will keep both for now.

energy-weaver

This relates to my spirituality: I sense idea-things in and on people that I can interact with if I choose to. Sometimes this is highly metaphysical; I might feel a string tied around someone's wrist or a shard in someone's energy center, when those don't exist in a visual reality. Sometimes it is more physical; I might feel static 'in' someone's head when they have a bad headache, or I might feel body parts that don't physically exist (one of my exes had dragon wings).

Weaving energy is when I do something like take the shard out of someone, or pet their wings. Some people can feel this when I do it, even when they have their eyes closed. People have told me that my energy weaving has eased their physical pain or soothed their emotional distress. One person thought I put a heated pad on them when it was just my hands. Another told me that I made a migraine go away at a point where medication usually would not work. An insomniac fell asleep as I worked on them. I haven't yet tried it on anyone who couldn't feel it, though it varies in effectiveness.

color/light worshipper

Light was my first word, and my first love. Color is an illusion created by the absorption of light, so I love it as an expression of light. I love light and color very much, and for me it ascends to worship because I make it a central aspect of how I design my space, clothe my body, and choose and customize my companion objects (like my water bottle and car). I also worship by creating art: light through photography and color through mixed media and digital art.

I also worship light through awed contemplation: I gaze at reflections and refractions of light, especially colored light. I love everything that glows in the dark. I love fairy lights and black lights and color-changey lights. I love everything that glows or shimmers, everything transparent and colorful. Glass connects to this because of the way it can hold light, cradle it, focus it, split it, direct it. I love all transparent glass and to a lesser extent translucent glass.

photographer

To me, a photographer is someone who documents life for the sake of memory and/or sharing truth or beauty. So people who take photos for money are not necessarily people that I would call photographers. I am not as much of a photographer now as I was years ago, but I am trying to be. I am more myself when I am a photographer.

jewelry maker

I've been making beaded jewelry since I was about 8, and making complex, unique jewelry since I was introduced to nylon-coated flexible wire at 19 (15 years ago). I haven't done much of it in the past 3 years, but I am still very passionate about it and I generally don't wear or gift jewelry that I didn't make. I've played a little with natural stone beads but glass is my medium of choice. I make necklaces designed with reflected symmetry, with shape as much of a player as color and texture. I make earrings of many types but my favorite involve making a wire shape from which strands or chains dangle: I call these "chandelier" style earrings.

digital/fractal artist

I have been using photoshop since about 2004; I am extremely good at photo editing and am skilled at graphic design as well. I fell in love with fractals after discovering them on deviantart, and began making them myself in 2012. I identify as a fractal artist because I feel that I have a distinctive style to my fractals and I feel that I can express myself in fractals more than I can in any other medium. I identify as a digital artist because most of my photos are digital as well as my fractals and I do post-work that is also digital.

coffee clergyperson

I used to call myself a coffee snob or coffee geek but clergyperson is definitely more accurate. I know a lot -- a LOT -- about coffee and I love it dearly. The preparation ritual adds to it for me, whether I make it myself or go to a temple and pay for service. I have worked at a number of coffee temples and I have my own shrines at home, at work, and at Topaz'.


Inherently me (spirit); these are aspects of me that I think would always exist -- aspects which come from the truest part of me, which have existed as long as I was cognizant and which have never changed, even though I might not have specifically identified with them in the past. Everything else about me comes from these parts.

curious questioner

I think the very most core trait of mine is curiosity -- even more than justice, even more than love. One of the few stories that my parents tell about me as a child is when someone was reading a book to me and I asked "what's that?" so many times that the person reading to me got impatient and just started telling me before I had a chance to ask again.

I question everything and everyone as much as I can. Anyone who knows me at all, if you asked "who (among those you know) is the questioner?" I would instantly come to mind. Being asked questions -- real, meaningful questions that only I can answer where the person is invested in the answer -- makes me feel more loved than almost anything else.

growth-seeker

This is a key part of my identity because it informs everything I do. I seek to grow and learn in every way I can, at every opportunity. I made a decision to consciously develop into a continuously better self 19 years ago and I have maintained my success. I don't have any particular aim, as long as I can always look at last year's self and notice improvement.

content creator

It took me a while to realize that most people don't do this. All my in-person friends were crafty and all my internet friends were writers and mostly artists too, so when I randomly met someone who didn't create at all, I thought they were the oddity. I've since been exposed to more normates and I would guess that at least the majority of USians don't create anything at all.

But content creating is something so necessary to who I am and who I have always been, even since a child, that I don't feel capable of relating to someone who does not create anything. I mean, even creating memes and putting rhinestones on your phone case counts to me. Writing reviews about media counts, making meals from random ingredients counts. Creating solo I can relate to in a distant way but I relate best to people who create content that is intended for sharing, like LJ posts or artwork that they share online and/or in person.

critical analyst

I analyze everything, both personally and academically. I'm really talented and skilled at using data analysis programs, and I have an intuitive understanding of statistics and surveying. I make spreadsheets for fun. I really love analytics. I also believe in critiquing media and human behavior, and I do both pretty much constantly. I don't really have the ability to turn this off, and I find it baffling (and very unappealing) that others just absorb and experience without analyzing.

writer

I am a writer because I am not whole when I don't write. Writing is something I do to understand myself, to keep from losing important parts of me into the dark tangles of my memory, and to help others understand me, as well as to teach and explain things. I have come to the conclusion that if someone doesn't like writing/reading or isn't comfortable with reading/writing, it will be almost impossible for us to maintain closeness because so much of me is lost if a person tries to separate me from my LJ. In any lifetime with this level of sentience, I feel sure I would want to use shared symbols to record things I think, feel, and learn.

Guilt is not necessary for goodness, and doesn't usually create goodness either.

Plenty of people cause harm and feel bad yet choose to keep on doing it. Does their feeling bad make them a good person? No, it makes them an average person with a guilt response. That bad feeling that many people initially experience when they realize that they probably have hurt someone is a morally neutral signal. If it has a good function, it is to warn you in the same way that physical pain is meant to warn you so that you can reduce the harm that's happening. If you wallow in the signal until you feel sufficiently punished, and then continue to do the same actions, you are no better than someone who simply ignores the signal until it goes away. Feelings do not have moral value; they are only signals. Your morality is defined by your actions.

A lot of people confuse guilt with empathy. Guilt is not empathy. Empathy is when you feel the pain that someone else is feeling like it was your own. Most people do not practice taking the perspective of others deeply enough and carefully enough to feel empathy except with their emotionally intimate people. Guilt is when you feel like you did something that was bad and you need to do penance or be punished. Feeling intense guilt whenever you hurt someone doesn't make you a good person or even a compassionate one. Guilty people often make literally the worst possible moral choices in order to feel punished, forgiven, or justified, or in order to block out the memory of their mistake. Empathetic people make choices which keep them from causing the same harm again, because it is about the other person and not about oneself. If what you are feeling is empathy, then being punished, being forgiven, doing penance, or feeling justified will NOT make you feel any better.

If you find yourself feeling guilty when you learn about oppressions that benefit you or suffering that you don't experience, I urge you to change your thinking from "if I have caused harm I should feel bad or be punished unless I am somehow justified in causing this harm" to "if I have caused harm I need to do the necessary work of changing my thoughts and actions so that I cause less harm in the future." Then, when you learn about a mistake you made, you don't need to feel guilty. You just need to figure out how to not make that same mistake in the future, and if you have hurt an intimate person (friend, lover, etc) with your mistakes, ask them how you can help them heal if it is possible (which it may not be and if so you must accept this).

Do not respond to feelings of guilt by avoiding the person who you feel guilty about hurting. Unless they have told you to leave them alone, avoiding them is probably compounding the harm you have caused by reducing the intimacy that is accessible to them. In cases where you are feeling guilt related to oppression this is especially true, because the more a person is marginalized, the less access they have to intimacy in general and the more harm your avoidance will cause. But don't dump your guilt on them either: work through it as quickly as you can so that after, you can be a friend to them.

When you were a child, your caretakers were supposed to teach you how to make good moral choices; but if they tried to do this by using punishment, they probably failed because they were relying on a guilt response. In a lot of us who were punished as children, that guilt response was so over-activated that it is entirely useless to us as adults. We feel guilt over morally neutral choices such as how much fat is in the food we eat and how much inconvenience we cause, and must shut down our guilt response to even survive. Sometimes this leads to us hurting others, but it doesn't have to. If we stop considering guilt and blame, and instead build our morality from scratch based on what causes the least harm and make sure we are open to constant development of what 'least harm' means, we can live moral lives and do good without any guilt response at all.

I am not exaggerating when I say I think this is the most important post I have ever made. So many people are swept under by guilt, and that stops people from developing into their best selves. It stops people from changing their behavior because they feel like they have to change their whole identity and divorce from their former self if they admit they did something they now consider morally wrong. Admitting you did wrong should not come with guilt or shame; in fact it should come with a sense of excitement at learning a better way to be human. I want to live in a world where people might regret their actions and wish they behaved differently, but they're not going to judge themselves as a bad person for making a mistake when they didn't know better. I want people to feel free to critique each other because everyone knows that mistakes are to be expected and if someone says "hey, your action was wrong" that doesn't imply anything negative about you as a person. Personally, if I let you know that I think something you did was wrong, that probably* means that I trust that you have the best of intentions.

So if you're reading this I beg of you, consider your perception of guilt. Consider developing a habitual response of asking yourself "how can I reduce this harm going forward?" Consider interrupting your negative self-talk guilt response with "this is not helpful to me or anyone else. I will do better next time by doing _______ and that is what matters." Consider increasing your chances of doing good by refusing to punish yourself; refusing to waste that energy that you could be using for good.

--------

*the exception is people who have control over the safety and nourishment of many others; then I will tell them when I think they did something wrong even though I probably have no faith at all in their intentions or willingness to change, because the stakes are much higher and I can't risk them being ignorant or able to feign ignorance, and I can't risk their example leading others to think that their behavior is okay.

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me,
"Son, fear is the heart of love."
- Death Cab For Cutie
There's this phenomenon most people experience when they first fall in love with someone; everything is more intense. One's lover seems like the best person ever to live. Just being in their presence is exciting and their touch feels magical. All conversations are filled with meaning and all shared experiences are filled with beauty. One craves the attention and time of one's lover; parting is difficult and reunions are joyous. Monogamous people call it "the honeymoon phase." Polyamorous people call it "new relationship energy" or NRE. Both sets of people assume that these feelings are a natural part of the beginning of a relationship but not a part of a mature relationship, as you can tell from the way they name it.

I call this experience "intimate focus energy" or IFE, and I know that it ends in most relationships not due to inevitable biology as the pop culture story goes, but due to a lack of understanding of what created that in the first place. At the beginning of any relationship there is what I call the fear-spark -- anxieties and fears that cause people to focus very intensely on each other. People worry that the other person won't like them, or that they will make a mistake, or that the other person will leave, and because of these fears they observe each other intently. It is this focus (when mutual), that allows for intensely intimate experiences.

But usually, when the fear-spark fades, people stop paying close attention. They stop noticing all the small things that make the other person a glorious creature; they stop being careful to be kind all the time; they stop watching for small signs of distress that they could soothe. And the IFE evaporates. Since they don't realize that it is their actions that have caused this, they can do nothing about it. Since they think it is natural for it to disappear, they let it stay gone.

People crave intimate focus energy and will do wild things to get it. They will induce fear in their lover in order for a fear-spark to create IFE again; they'll cheat, or try to make the other person jealous, or withdraw emotionally, or threaten to leave, or shove their anxieties on to the other person, or belittle, or invalidate, or make dangerous personal choices. I think most of the time they don't realize they're doing this -- they just have learned on some level that these behaviors can create the potential for IFE again through the fear-spark. Personally, I think the fear-spark is the worst possible way to build intimacy, especially when people are creating it through harmful behaviors.

I prefer to skip the fear-spark altogether. I know that I am more likely to get continued attention if I allow the other person to wonder about my intentions and desires, but that attention is not pure because it is motivated in part by fear. So I let people know my intentions, my desires, and my level of investment as soon as possible so that they don't have unknowns causing fear in those areas. I also do my best to avoid causing unnecessary fear in the other person. Sometimes this causes me to lose people, because they don't know how to maintain intimacy without the fear-spark, or they don't have enough desire in them to make up for the loss of the fear-spark. But it also means that the connections I do have can start out with a more mature and complete love, and that I can build positive IFE habits with them from the beginning.

I've said much of this before, but I am going to try to make it more specific and plain-spoken.

If I judge your actions as bad, that does not mean I am judging you as bad. Almost every action I rail against as harmful in some way is a thing I have done in the past. I have believed wrongly and damaged people with my actions. I have been classist, racist, sexist, fatphobic, ableist, looksist, anti-sexworker, queerphobic, and gender essentialist, and acted on those ideologies in my actions toward others. I have believed in rape myths and imperialist dogma. I have manipulated and disrespected my partners.


---specific examples of my wrongs: CN/TW for violence, oppressive attitudes, and slurs---

I judged poor people if they bought a small luxury. I avoided people of color because I thought they were too different and I could not relate. I thought women should submit to their husbands. I thought fatness was ugly and that fat people should hide their bodies. I expected all people to be able to learn and perform in the way that I do. I thought cleverness and education made a person more worthwhile. I ranked people on a scale of attractive to not attractive. I assumed that people could not choose to sell sex and that if they did they were forced or acting out of damage. I compared queer sex to sticking your hand in a blender: 'misuse' of intended purpose. I assumed everyone's gender matched what they were assigned at birth, and I assumed that there were only two sexes. I used slurs, especially ableist ones like 'stupid' and 'crazy.'

I have violated people's consent (thankfully not in ways that caused lots of damage, but I was lucky). I have been invalidating of people's identities. I have considered myself to have the 'one true' god and dismissed others as false. I have made relationship expectations without discussion or agreement, and manipulated people into the performance I wanted. I have assumed the worst motives of people I loved and not bothered to check. I have screamed at partners. I have called names. I have hit children (I was a child also at the time, but it was damaging and terrible).

---end TW/CN---


All those things are things I consider deeply wrong and I am profoundly ashamed of them. I mention them because I do not think of myself as a bad person, yet I have done all these bad things. There is not a thing that I say "don't do this" that I haven't done to some extent. So, I cannot think of other people as bad because they do them.

For me, there is only one sin that makes you a bad person: not making any effort to reduce the harm you cause to others and the harms that you benefit from. You don't have to make the efforts I suggest; you just have to make SOME effort, repeatedly, to reduce the harm you cause and/or benefit from in order to not be a bad person. You have to consider carefully if your behavior needs changing when someone says that you are causing harm.

When it comes to creating justice, intention means nothing; your harm-reduction needs to be effective in order to matter at all. When it comes to a judgement of moral character, intention + effort is everything. If you keep on trying to get better, and you keep on trying to learn from a variety of sources, I believe you will eventually get to a place where your efforts are effective and you do reduce harm. So I don't care where you are now; I care if you are repeatedly learning and trying. The more you try, the better a person I think you are.

So today, at age 33, I realized I have never even tried trusting my intuition. After I realize something is a mistake I can easily remember feeling 'off' about someone or something but I never trust that feeling. I always assume that somehow, perceptions external to me are more correct. When my intuition disagrees, I try to get enough data to silence it. My first assumption is that my feeling is wrong. If the thing I am getting a sense about only affects me, I may trust it, but if it affects someone else I always distrust it.

Part of it is because it feels arrogant to me to say, "This person says X about their feelings/behavior/desires but my intuition says Y. I will trust my intuition and act as if they are wrong." Instead, I dismiss my intuition and act as if they are correct, and this almost always turns out to be a mistake. People don't know themselves. I was married to someone who told me over and over how much they liked and admired my ideas, behaviors, and self-understanding until we broke up and then they were like "oh actually I think it's wrong to be queer, pagan, polyamorous, or genderqueer, and I have thought that this whole time." I think the truth was in between, as they didn't have a firm opinion, but my intuition that they weren't fully sincere was correct. It galled me that I sensed that they weren't wholehearted yet dismissed my sense, over and over until I didn't even notice the twinges. There have been other shocking and painful instances of things like this. Sometimes I get completely numb and lost because I am dismissing so many twinges.

Another part is that there is no good way to communicate about this. If I feel like someone doesn't know their own motives and that is what I am basing my decisions on, I can't notsay that if they ask why. But I can't really say it either because there is no way to say it that doesn't sound cruel or dismissive or (at best) super arrogant.

I'm just going to wade into the thorn-bush though because I need to stop ignoring my own feelings and trusting other peoples' interpretations of situations above my own. If it feels wrong to me, I need to honor that. I may be entirely wrong about someone, but I need to be able to make that error instead of constantly erring on the side of self-betrayal. I need to be willing to be disliked, to be considered judgemental or even mean. People thinking ill of me is better than me crushing my own internal barometer. If I get a feeling about someone's motives, I am going to act as if it is correct. If I can, I will check with them first to be sure I have all the information: but if the same feeling comes up over and over, I'm going to trust it.

I'm going to start asking myself questions like "is it the best choice for me to invest in this person?" "do I feel sure this person knows what they want?" "Am I feeling a 'yes' on this or just the absence of no?" and I'm going to trust that even if I am wrong about the actual cause, I am making the right choice about the effect. I will ask myself also (as usual) "do I have a fear or insecurity that might be causing this?" and even if the answer is yes, I will not dismiss my feeling (but I will factor that in).

2015

"Shriek"

An abstract fractal in christmas green, coral orange, and bright rose red with accents of fuchsia, peach, and capri blue on a black background. At the top in the center is what looks like a snarling cat or hissing cobra, in profile facing left. Just underneath is another could-be face, this one like a dog, facing right and sniffing the 'air' of colored light, which you can see swirling into the dog's nose. In front of the dog's face is a bowing-out bubble of swirling blurry colors. Above that bubble behind the cat/cobra's head is a fragmented reflection that could be of the cat/cobra or the dog or both. In front of the cat/cobra's face is a misshapen cone of green light, with some flecks of other colors: it looks as if the cat/cobra is exhaling this and it is pouring down over the back of the dog's head. Neither creature has a body.

---



January
1-4 -- visiting biofam: racism, discussing sexual abuse history, misgendering, prompting family to grow
2 -- visiting Anika: having deep talks w Anika & energy work
* Unethical behavior: loopholes out of agreements, poking people's sore spots *
4 -- ritual for Nuit and Renenutet, Topaz keeps me company
7 -- I make a friending meme
-- trying to develop closeness with Anika
11 -- have a somewhat-disastrous crafty party where a new attendee says things that are very problematic and hurtful to Allison
17 -- I decide to require require gender-neutral pronouns in reference to me
18 -- ritual with LilyWolf for connections
24 -- met up with Cass and had our first meaningful one-on-one conversation
* 5-step educate or eliminate / when I realize I'm wrong / reducing privilege effects *
-- hung out with Heather at least once a week

February
2 -- Kei-won-tia has a major crisis, I find out through Abby, try to get in touch w KWT but can't.
4 -- meet Jezza for one-on-one conversation
6 -- have a great birthday night with Topaz, Kylei, Sydney, Heather, and Lilywolf; Allison, Nick, and Hannah drop in. I set up a photo-booth of sorts with weird colorful lighting and take some photos of people.
7 -- went to Heritage Park with Sydney & Topaz
9 -- met Kayla for dinner and conversation
* forms of intimacy and societal assumptions made: there is no highest form of intimacy *
11 -- my grandmother is in the hospital; I see my aunt and cousins for the first time in years
12 -- have intense conversation w Anika and Kei-won-tia about openness and intimacy and assumptions
* overwhelmed and ineffectual / cowardly and shit at making friends *
14 -- I get up in front of a huge number of people and speak a short poem about trans erasure.
** the intersection of openness, intimacy, and privacy as it relates to me **
20-24 -- Topaz and I go to the last Xenacon, which is worth it but emotionally very difficult because I can't bring myself to talk to anyone and I'm allergic to the air.
27 -- Heather casts runes for me on my next romantic relationship: I get 'wait wait wait'
28 -- art swap at Jezza's: my sorta-kinda first show of my fractals.
-- conflict with Kei-won-tia continues throughout the month, ends in them telling me they need to be able to lie to their friends.

March
7 -- I experience my first kirtan, with Heather.
* helping people figure out their desires without taking responsibility for their self-awareness *
11 -- march for Anthony Hill (with Jaime & Lilywolf)
13 -- meet Lisa in person for the first time! we hang out for the day.
15 -- mostly-online crafty party with Topaz, Jaime, Paige, Heather, Leah, Anika, Jezza, and Lilywolf.
** what nourishes me in friendship: self-care/growth/awareness, shared passion/enthusiasm, creating together, spiritual working together, asking me meaningful specific questions, cuddles/focused touch, gifts of effort **
28 -- Anika visits, Topaz and I take them to the Cherry Blossom Festival
** PSA: use of ableist slurs will cause me to unfriend you **
31 -- I pick up Anika from KWT's and take them to Big Trees and to my favorite metaphysical shop

April
2 -- do magic ritual with Anika, Topaz picks us up after
3 -- drinking and playing red dragon inn w Anika, Heather, Topaz, Kylei.
4-5 -- KWT is supposed to spend time w Anika but doesn't... lots of complex shit between Anika and KWT. KWT is supposed to take them to the airport but I do it instead.
9 -- crafty party: Lily & Fey & Alisha in-person, Anika & Paige & Allison online
** slurs are still very harmful when they are aimed at a situation/action/thing instead of a person **
** emotional/artistic work is still work / types of cuddles: giving, receiving, sharing, passive **
** essential qualities to be a good cuddler: good at consent, emotionally present & aware, not in need **
-- school stress
-- made a set of reflection beads
-- applied to be a professional cuddler: they wanted to exploit their workers, no thanks.

May
-- exhausted
4 -- sweet nourishing time w Kylei
* my eating habits: what I don't eat at all, what I generally avoid, favorite meals & ingredients *
* realization: I need group intimacy as well as one-on-one *
13 -- meet Rachel in Atlanta for lunch
15 -- sleepover w Odd Squad and truth-or-truth w Nicky & Aubrey via ghangouts
17 -- first zikr w Kaleemi Khanqah Atlanta
20 -- start work at my uni
* 4 levels of friendship: fun, support, learning, mutual accountability *
26 -- truth-or-truth gchat w Aubrey, Vola, Elizabeth, Jaime
** on the 'rudeness' of canceling/lateness caused by chronic pain/fatigue/anxiety/depression and/or ADD **
** energy work: 1st efforts, shielding / a funnel not a source / avoiding manipulation **

June
-- stressssssss
1 -- TransParence gather at my house: Jaime, Jazz, Jude, Hope, Serah, Allison, Michelle
4-10 -- Elizabeth visits! we do alllllll the things
5 -- shopping & Kirtan at SEWA w Elizabeth
6 -- Etowah Mounds w Elizabeth & Jaime, then chill game night w Elizabeth, Heather, Jaime, Topaz, Allison, Jonathan
7 -- Big Trees w Elizabeth & Topaz, then Cracker Barrel for dinner & Breakfast on Pluto with dessert.
8 -- to Margaret Mitchell house and Marietta square with Elizabeth.
9 -- to carlos museum then revolution doughnuts with Elizabeth, then Topaz makes us dinner.
10 -- take Elizabeth to airport.
13 -- intense videochat w Anika about the lack of balanced investment in our relationship
-- scattered ???
** why I identify as demisexual / what makes sex worth the effort / sexual vs sensual touch / kissing **

July
-- very stressed, can't seem to do much
-- Heather is out of town the whole month
12 -- host cuddly communion #1 w Serah, Alison, Hope, Evelyn, Cass, Heather D, and Joey.
-- elsewise, nothing but work & rest & topaz & writing
** rant: friendships are important / my levels of relationship for everyone **
* what makes me fall in love & how it feels when I am in love *
*** on saving kids from 'broken hearts' & teaching kids about consent / red flags for bad-at-consent ***
* on changing the amount of fat on your body: cortisol, blood sugar, stress, food as fat/carb/protein *
** 4 elements needed for me to feel sexual attraction: consent, bodily respect, awareness, generosity **
* depression is not a cramp, it's a broken bone: a 'mild' situation has intense effects when depressed *

August
* Open letter to self-proclaimed reasonable white dudes *
13 -- see Arizona, we have very connected time
16 -- host an OPALS meeting which is just me and Johan, also have an amazing talk w Evelyn at Cool Beans
20 -- emotionally falling apart
* too many variations to out myself in a sentence / wordweaving & thought remodeling are central to me *
23-29 -- time at the beach w biofam
30 -- OPALS meeting w me, Saleena, Alison, and Serah

September
-- dealing with name change paperwork, lots of trips to courthouse and notary
-- exhausted and overwhelmed, lonely
-- topaz' family has health troubles
-- run out of hope for being close friends with Evelyn
* lonely in any crowd / spirit-to-spirit contact / conflict is a tool of intimacy *
23 -- feeling terribly unwanted
27 -- OPALS meeting w just me & Garnet
-- make chant booklet for my reflection beads

October
1 -- worst I felt in a year, unwanted, useless
15 -- present about appropriation at Sex Down South, no energy to go the other days
* how I manage my neuro-atypicality in relation to others *
31 -- walked Springer Mountain w Topaz, then had a bonfire at their place w Topaz, Heather, Brian, Cass, Kelsey, and Elliott
-- spending more time w Topaz' family
-- reading The History of White People

November
** an analogy to explain why the privileged are responsible for ending oppression: the racist babysitter **
*** after learning more about microbes, I no longer believe in an afterlife ***
** people demonize spanking because of classism / how corporeal punishment damaged me **
** trust: what builds it and what burns it, for me **
* the art of hugs *
** if you mourn only for the deaths of white people, your empathy is broken. and racist. **
16 -- cry for hours
17 -- see bell hooks & gloria stienem
19-22 TBC w Topaz
27 -- name change denied
-- investing more in getting to know Cass

December
-- loads of work on final papers, getting minors made official, getting my name sorted
* 5 qualities needed to practice polyamory: awareness, norm-breaking, security, energy, connection *
6 -- great connected time w Cass
15 -- graduation
** my ADD-PI: stimming and prosopagnosia (difficulty recognising faces) **
* creating your own moral code: a ritual for finding your core values & strengthening focus on them *
* ritual tool: reflection beads for my core values, desires, gratitudes, people, deities, & nature kin *
19 -- Solstice gather! Kat, Summer, Abby, Topaz, Kylei, Heather, Sydney, Jaime, Allison, & Jonathan came and Cass vidchatted in due to being sick
22 -- Arizona visited with me for a little while at my house
23 -- breakup w Anika
24 -- Gabe reveals their transphobia
25 -- Xmas at Topaz' family, exhausting, realize how much worse my family is
26 -- time w Abby in the morning, walking in nature and then cuddling at my house, then intense time w Abby & Topaz at Topaz'
27 -- breakfast, coffee, cuddles w Topaz & Abby
28 -- terrible crash of a morning, bad for Abby, bad for me, bad for Topaz. endless crying.
29 -- awful day, more endless crying. reach out to Allison for the first time, feel glad that that feels okay to do.
** prosopagnosia and memory as it relates to taking photos and believing in love **
30 -- recovering some
31 -- connected time w topaz



2015 started off in an intense but growthful way for me, as I had my first ever real conversation with my biosib S, visited Anika and had deep talks with them. I also did a ritual for deities (something I had never done before), and another ritual for connection, connected in new ways with Allison and Cass, and spent a lot of time with Heather. Then Kei-won-tia had a major crisis and I was very worried about them but didn't really get to talk to them until two weeks later. They got very upset with me for talking about my worries to Heather, and there was a whole huge mess which finally ended when they said that they need to be able to lie to their friends. During the same month as the KWT conflict, I had a bunch of other really intense experiences -- Xenacon, my first art show (sorta), speaking about trans erasure in front of loads of people, gma in hospital, interacting with family I hadn't seen in years.

March was more nourishing and less draining, with my first kirtan, my first protest march, and my first time taking Anika to Big Trees. April turned sour with a huge conflict between KWT and Anika, and otherwise intense school stress. In May I had some good connected time with friends and experienced my first zikr, but overall I was exhausted. Lilywolf moved out which was sad and relieving and stressful, and I started working at my university as a student assistant. June started out with a bang, a trans-connection party followed by a wonderful visit from Elizabeth (which included my first visit to a Sikh service), and then became scattered and lost under stress, mostly shared/reflected stress from how awful Topaz' job is, I think. In July I hosted a 'cuddly communion' which was wonderful but otherwise that entire month was empty of nourishment. In August I had some connected times with friends, and spent 6 days with my biofamily which is both good and exhausting; August marked the first of monthly breakdowns, though I don't notice this pattern until later. In September Topaz' family started having health troubles, and I dealt with the laborious process of applying to change my name.

October I felt the worst I have felt in a year, managed to present at Sex Down South but felt so socially anxious I couldn't talk to anyone and couldn't participate in the conference; I went home crying. I started spending more time with Topaz' family (which is nourishing in some ways but a lot of added stress) because they all seemed to be feeling the need for more company with each other due to the health worries. I started actively building a friendship with Cass around this time. In November I was massively stressed and overwhelmed, but seeing bell hooks and getting to attend TBC gave me enough energy that I was able to give three talks and speak on a panel, and handle some very difficult emotional conversations and realizations with Topaz. But November ended with me finding out that my name change was denied, which is massively crushing. December started with me finishing my 2 huge final papers and giving a presentation for school, doing a shitton of paperwork and hoop-jumping to get my minors made official and my name read correctly at the ceremony, then finally graduating (where my biofamily mostly flaked out and I realized that my dad was planning for a graduation present for my cousin but didn't even congratulate me). I only had three days to recover before Solstice, which was the best ever though hugely energy-consuming. Then I had an intense conflict with Cass, then Arizona visited me briefly which made me miss them a lot, then Anika broke up our friendship by attacking me, then Gabe (my emotionally-adopted little brother) revealed that they're transphobic by choice not by ignorance, then I spent Xmas with Topaz' family which made me realize how bad my biofamily is, then I spent an intense morning with Abby and an intense evening with Abby and Topaz, and finally I had a massive terrible crash that negatively affected both Abby and Topaz and lasted almost through the end of the year. Honestly, reading over December I'm amazed that I made it through without falling apart much more. That was so much, way too much.

Looking back over this, I feel like losing KWT set off a sharp increase in my social anxiety because when we initially became friends, it was built on mutually valuing intimacy and openness -- I actually felt that KWT was better at being open than I was, that they were more willing to take risks in sharing. To have them do such a complete turnaround and say that they value lies in friendship and they want to control who knows what about them was so shocking and confusing that it made me feel like I can't know people, I can't believe them, and I can't find ones that I can genuinely connect with. A similar thing happened with Anika -- I can’t explain because it would be a breach of their privacy but even though it wasn’t the same on the surface, it felt very VERY similar. That followed by the OPALS meetings falling by the wayside and getting very hopeful about a new friend only to have that vanish -- by the time I got through September I was feeling so deeply sad about friendships that despite my repressing, I was having at least one multi-hour crying jag a month about it.

So overall, 2015 brought me a huge increase in social anxiety although the relationships that I currently have are mostly at all-time highs and are overall very nourishing. I think I learned a lot through my black feminisms class in the spring, my internship, my whiteness class in the fall, and TBC, and I made a lot of progress in designing my spiritual practice, but I feel like my interpersonal life stalled out in most ways, and I lost myself as far as my social self goes. This year I will regain my social self.

how do you hope to grow as a spiritual being? what direction(s) do you wish to go for the future? (from here)

I hope to become more intuitive, more skilled at energy work and divination, more able to sense people's spirits and intentions, more able to clear my own issues and moderate my energy flow. My morality is separate from my spirituality (I would still have my morals if I wasn't spiritual), but I of course hope to grow as a moral being and usually the lessons I learn there teach me something about spirituality, and/or unlock new spiritual skills. Direction? I think I want to aim for more spiritual interaction -- less one-way or solo stuff and more back-and-forth and group stuff.

how does (and has) your spirituality shape(d) your day-to-day existence?

It shapes my day-to-day existence in that it gives me a reason to live. That bit of positive surprise and hope that happens when I link up with another being accidentally and that feeling of euphoria and meaning that I get when I link up with another being on purpose are the things that make me able to handle all the struggle and effort.

Even though I'd consider it immoral to abandon my responsibility to make the world better, if I didn't feel like there was a possibility of connecting with other beings in a way that is emotionally meaningful to me, I'd likely kill myself. And by beings I don't mean humans; I mean all beings. However, if I could only connect with non-humans, I probably would abandon my responsibility to make the world better and go live away from humans. I don't think this is the moral choice, but it is likely the one I would make in that case.

how does it intersect with your own concepts of identity? how much or little has this fluctuated over the course of your life?

It doesn't interact very much with my concept of identity now. I consider identity to be the way that you define yourself to help others understand you. Even though my spirituality is essential to me living, understanding my spirituality is not necessary to understand the vast majority of me.

People use different words and intellectual concepts for this thing that fuels my life; I don't need them to identify as spiritual to feel the kind of connection with them that fuels me. I feel positive that I could have felt very connected with Carl Sagan, because of the value they placed on recognizing interconnectedness and the wonder they expressed so freely. I don't care what words one uses has as long as one can do the thing where I feel connected.

how do you benefit from your beliefs? on the other hand, are you disadvantaged in any way by them?

I don't think I necessarily benefit or am disadvantaged by my beliefs. My beliefs morph as needed to suit my growth. I do not have spiritual beliefs that I build my selfhood on, which I think is the way to benefit or be disadvantaged by beliefs. I think most people use beliefs as the foundation for their house of self, but for me they're more like a collection of tents, any of which can be taken down without me having to rebuild everything else -- and it is extremely unlikely that all of them would get smashed at once.

( challenges, otherkin )

Have any defense mechanisms you have created that seemed good at the time you created them turned inside out with time? (from here)

Most of my defense mechanisms date from childhood and were created subconsciously -- I suppose they must have been needed at the time but they aren't good for me anymore. Some of them are unethical (such as the thing I used to do where I would crush people with my vocabulary if they were trying to put me down) but most just really aren't needed among actually decent people.

For instance, I have a very hard time saying thank you because if I ever thanked my parents or expressed excitement at something, they would then take it away and use it to make me do things. An example: my parent says "let's go to pizza for dinner" and I say "yay! I love pizza!" and my parent would then say "well okay then, do this, this, and this and we will go, otherwise not" (and if they ended up not feeling like it, it wouldn't matter that I had already done the things they demanded). But if I did not respond happily, then it had a good chance of just happening without me having to earn it. So I learned that if I actually wanted the thing, I couldn't express any happiness or gratitude until after it could no longer be taken back. And usually by that time I wasn't feeling grateful anymore because I'd been holding my breath waiting to see if it would actually come true, so it felt like I earned it with the work of anxiety. I still have to push myself quite hard to be able to say thank you at the promise of something rather than after it has happened, but I have gotten better about reducing my anxiety and being able to actually say thank you after.

Another which is a bit more subtle is the difficulty I have in feeling like I belong and am wanted. Not only did my biofamily make me feel unwanted and like I didn't belong, my parent M told me over and over that no one else would ever love me as much. Since I never felt loved, that was the equivalent of telling me that I would never be loved. For a long time I coped with that by blocking out all feelings. I think I have overcome this one for the most part, but strong feelings of any kind usually bring up the fear that I'm not really loved, even if I can logically contradict it now. I just let them come and push through them, relying on logic.

In a way I don't fully understand, M's hangups about intruding in spaces they were not wanted rubbed off on me. So I coped by trying to never be in spaces where I wasn't 100% sure I was wanted -- which is not a helpful coping mechanism because you can never really be that sure and there are a lot of places where you won't get a specific invite. A lot of times you have to be an ambassador on your own behalf if you want to connect with people. That coping mechanism just made me more and more lonely. It still requires a massive effort to get myself to go to social gathers where there are any attendees that dislike me, or any where there isn't a person there who actively wants me there. It's still hard even if there are no dislikers and people who actively want me! I think Kylei was my biggest help breaking this one, but I have gotten out of the habit. I'm pushing myself to connect directly with people and to go to uncertain social gathers.

There's also the habit I have of disclosing everything that might be objectionable about me up front, "Hi nice to meet you by the way you probably won't like me because [reasons 1-25]." I probably scare off people who might be down with everything if I introduced it gradually, but at least this way I don't end up devoting years of my life to someone who thinks that the things that make me who I am are not valuable or even okay. Like I did with my ex-spouse (not by choice but because I hadn't learned myself before we got married). I think that this is sort of a 50/50 coping mechanism, which does the same amount of good and harm. I've started trying to be a LITTLE more gradual about it.

...how do you notice they have and how do you work to put them right again/stop using them?

I notice only when someone else points it out, usually, or when I uncharacteristically don't use them for some reason and then realize how much better things are without it. I work on putting them right by trying to do the opposite often enough that the habit disintegrates: say thank you at the first sign of a thing I would be grateful for, allow all feelings, join gathers where I think I might be unwanted and talk to people without them giving welcome first, hold back after disclosing several things that people might need to process, etc.

Disclaimer: I'm gonna phrase things emphatically but I do not feel that this is the best route for everyone or that everyone should do this. Take what works for you, leave what doesn't.

The first step is to consider your emotional reactions in order to find your core values. A core value will infuriate you when someone else violates it, and cause you to feel great distress when you violate it. If you get angry when someone else fails to signal in a lane change, but you don't feel equally bad if you fail to signal, that is not a core value violation it's just an inconvenience. You can start with a list of things that infuriate or disgust you to see done, and then cross off anything that you wouldn't be deeply stricken with remorse if you did it. Include things you think are obvious, such as killing or torturing.

Once you have this list, go through and check for things that aren't values, but you have accepted as values because you were told over and over that there is a right and a wrong answer. You can tell these because violating these things usually causes no real harm - for instance, putting the toilet paper roll on where it rolls off the top rather than the bottom. These things that seem like values can also simply be leftovers from coercive education convincing you that it is wrong to mix up "your" and "you're" when in reality it's just not abiding by unnecessary dogma. However, you may simply have some problematic values. If you feel it is morally wrong to use grammar that violates the rules, then that could be one of your core values- it's just that your value shows you are an elitist. I would not recommend trying to strengthen such a value.

Next look for common themes. If your list includes shoving animals, grab-handling children, and hugging people without asking, there is a theme there of respecting bodily autonomy which is very important to you. Try to group your list into 8-13 themes, and then define these so that everything on your list is included. So, in this example, I would define the value for these three things as 'respect' meaning 'considering each being to be the only valid authority on how their body should be treated and requesting permission prior to any touch' and I could add to that definition if I saw other violations of respect on my list, such as pressuring people into activities or ignoring what they want. I might add "...and being careful not to infringe on their will."

The above part I did almost two years ago, and the below part I did a few months ago, then attached them in a booklet a few weeks ago. This has been a very long project!

Next, come up with a sentence or paragraph that describes the relationship you want with your value. Here's my template (if you want to use/modify my template for your own values that is fine with me; just don't copy my own specific values phrasing that I wrote on my cards).

In the name of [value], I contemplate [important things about that value]. I seek to [do an action that expresses this value] and [another action that expresses this value]. I question [aspect that contradicts this value] and check [something that helps me determine how close I am to my aim]. I seek [value], I create [value], I embody [value].

THAT was a really REALLY cool exercise for me. I feel like I gained a lot of clarity on my values by doing it. For instance, I realized that consumption is often the opposite of creativity for me, and to maintain my core value of creativity I need to be sure that I am not consuming too much of things that reduce my creativity (such as shows that don't make me think).



[general image description: all of these photos show a long rectangle of handmade paper, white with bits of greenish brown stems scattered throughout. The papers have been perforated with a needle along the short left side and are attached as a booklet with thick waxed thread. At the top of each page in shimmery vivid violet ink is a set of symbols: magical lettering which I created for ceremonial use. The main section is in shimmery spring green ink, and then the last three phrases are in shimmery bright scarlet ink.]


In the name of justice, I contemplate all forms of oppression and hierarchy. I seek to uproot oppressive ideology and dismantle oppressive structures. I question my behaviors and check my assumptions. // I seek justice // I create justice // I embody justice.


In the name of growth, I contemplate my progress and seek to develop any mediocre skills and to cut out habits that prevent my becoming a more productive person. I question my habits and practice my skills. // I seek growth // I create growth // I embody growth.


In the name of creativity I contemplate my consumption and expression, and seek to create and share more than I consume. I question if what I consume will help me create, and I check for a balance. // I seek creativity // I create creativity // I embody creativity.


In the name of connection, I contemplate my place in the web of life, and seek to empathize with those near and far and to nourish my connections with all beings. I question my first impressions and follow my yearnings. // I seek connection // I create connection // I embody connection.


In the name of curiosity, I contemplate my recent sources of learning and seek to discover new knowledge and understanding. I question everything and check for new perspectives. // I seek curiosity // I create curiosity // I embody curiosity.


In the name of openness, I contemplate my sharing and seek to be vulnerable and offer sharing which will allow me to be known. I question my reticence and check for the edge of my comfort zone. // I seek openness // I create openness // I embody openness.


In the name of honesty, I contemplate deception and confusion, and seek ways to express and explain that honor truth. I question my hiding and check for clarity. // I seek honesty // I create honesty // I embody action in honesty.


In the name of action, I contemplate my risks and opportunities, and seek to take action in whatever ways I find. I question my stagnation and check for more chances. // I seek action // I create action // I embody action.


In the name of reverence, I contemplate the magnificent importance of all objects. I seek to honor objects in all my uses and to recognize their magic. I question my casual interactions and check my stewardship. // I seek reverence // I create reverence // I embody reverence.


In the name of respect, I contemplate consent and autonomy. I seek to avoid exerting unasked control over others and to avoid causing damage to others. I question my influence and check my effects. // I seek respect // I create respect // I embody respect.


In the name of thoroughness, I contemplate my recent projects and seek to do all I do to the best of my ability. I question my methods and check my work. I seek thoroughness, I create thoroughness, I embody thoroughness.


So then, after all this I recommend writing, printing, or recording them in a way you can keep with you. Try to read or listen to them daily with full attention, thinking about how they apply to your life right now.

I was talking with Topaz and spoke/realized something at the same time. I don't believe there are inherently polyamorous or inherently monogamous people. Whether or not you can practice polyamory depends on 5 things: awareness of polyamory, willingness to break social norms, how you get your sense of security, how much energy you have, and connections with people you resonate with in a romantic way.

awareness of polyamory
I daydreamed about having multiple romantic relationships from the time I was a little kid, but I didn't know that it was possible until many years later. I was 24 when I realized that ethical non-monogamy was possible and there were people who did it. My first polyamorous relationships were long distance because I had never met anyone local who I knew to be polyamorous.

willingness to break social norms
Breaking social norms was already normal to me, having rejected sexism and looksism, but it was not something I could do whole-heartedly because at the time I was married to someone who was very worried about what people would think. Not being able to be out ate at me. I did come out to my bioparent P, who treated my visiting lover the same as my spouse - but less than a month after that, P moved to another state so I still had no local people I was out to. My next few relationships were local and they were all out, which was a huge relief for me.

how you get your sense of security
My sense of security held me back in a lot of ways, because my first romantic relationship was a monogamous marriage and my securities had been built on a set of rules. I thought rules were how you built security; I had never witnessed any other model. We practiced polyamory for about 2 years with this makeshift rule-based model. As the rules failed to make me safe from hurt and failed to protect my spouse from fear, I shifted my marriage to an uncommitted lover relationship. This was partly because the rules that made it a marriage did not work for me any more, and partly because in my view of marriage if you don't have similar goals in life then you shouldn't be married and my life goals were no longer similar to my ex's. That didn't last because when my ex looked for an additional person to date, they found a monogamous person and promptly dumped me for that person.

After that I built my sense of security on my ability to recover from damage and maintain boundaries. I set boundaries for my safety rather than my security (for instance, requiring safer sex practices for certain acts with me, rather than for the relationship to continue). To set a boundary I considered what could cause me damage and how it could be mediated with the least interference with the other person's will. An example would be who my lover dates. I do not control the other person's choices, but I do control mine. So if my lover dates someone who I feel is damaging me directly or indirectly in a way that I cannot handle, I will put distance between me and my lover until I am no longer so damaged. I will inform them ahead of time so that they know what my action will be and can adjust if they wish, but I will not expect them to or try to convince them to. This has only happened once (after a first date), and after I told my lover what I was feeling they examined their interactions with that person and found that they were bad at consent and thus no longer desirable for dating.

Nowadays I put my security partly in my ability to recover and maintain boundaries, and partly in my loveweb -- my friends who I invest in. If I were to break up with someone, it would be painful (maybe devastating), but I know that I could rely on my friends to help me get through it, and eventually my ex-lover would be one of those friends. I do not emotionally invest in romantic relationships that will not be lifelong friendships (except maybe for Aurilion, because I have a weakness there). If I feel that they wouldn't stay my friend if we broke up, I won't date them because that makes me feel like they only want part of me and a very minor part at that.

how much energy you have
Next need is energy. I once broke up with three people at once because I did not have the energy that it would take to maintain those romances any more. It was almost too late: shortly after that I went into the worst depression of my life, where for three months all I could think about, every waking moment, was wanting to die. It took citalopram and at least a year to get out of that. Then once I emerged from depression I realized how bad my ADD was and began trying to get help -- which took at least 8 months. During those months I had no extra energy because I had to throw all of it into my schoolwork just to maintain that. I spent many days in unproductive hyperfocus and many days in panic and stress to the point of crying uncontrollably. But once I finally got medicated, I had energy! I felt alive! I could do things! I was still terribly stressed about money and school, so not all was well, but I had more ability. And I started actively looking for an additional person to date, because I want that in my life.

connections with people you resonate with in a romantic way
The first month of looking was fun -- then it rapidly became miserable. I couldn't find anyone at all who seemed both akin to me and available. After three months I decided to stop looking, since after all I have never met a love by searching for them (they have all found me). I do keep looking for new friends, but have met a lot of failure in that area as well. There have been a few people who I thought I might be interested in romantically, but nothing came of it. This is where I am now, a year after I gained the energy. I have the awareness, willingness, security, and energy, but not the connections. I yearn for them. Topaz suggested that I do more activities that will allow me to meet new people, which is a good idea except that that is SO HARD when my car is fragile and I have little money for gas and have no one to help me motivate to go by going with me -- it takes like 50 points of energy and it is likely to only give me back 20. If I met someone amazing it would probably give me 100 points, but that certainly not something I can count on.

I still consider myself to be practicing polyamory, because I do not structure my relationship in a monogamous way or use monogamous rules. I actually identify as a relationship anarchist (a sorta-kinda subset of polyamory), because I do not decide which relationships get the most time, energy, or other resources; I let the situation lead me. I deliberately invest in my friendships, which may move in and out of romance based on the situation. Kylei is someone who I would definitely be dating if they were available, but so many parts of the situation make it almost impossible. Maybe next year I will have so much extra energy from finishing school that I will be able to spend the extra doing lots of the driving and planning, which is what it would take to make the situation work. As it is, there are romantic parts to our friendship, but we do not spend enough time communicating for me to feel romantic in a continuous way.

I feel like no one talks about the loneliness of rejecting oppression. It's like being a creature that looks like its surrounding creatures but isn't, while the surrounding creatures just don't have the ability to connect with you the way you need. How there's this missing piece in most interactions. Their words, their kindnesses, their touch, their thoughts, just don't reach.

I can never tell by looking. I can't tell by touching. I can't tell by smell or taste or sound. I have to investigate their mind, and it takes such work, and the longer I go the more it stings when suddenly I fall into a poisoned thornbush of defensive privilege and refusal to empathize or learn. It takes so very much risk for me to connect. There are so few people who are safe. There are some who are safer than others, because I know where the thornbushes are and there are few enough that I can avoid them. But it still takes work because conversation changes the landscape and I can't predict when a thornbush will show up. I can never relax.

I marvel and shake my head at people who don't have this experience. Getting to know people, for them, is just about shared hobbies and lack of deliberate attacks, plus good intentions. Those are so easy to find, comparatively. So EASY!

Most humans need skin-to-skin contact. If they lack it, they feel a thing called "skin hunger." I spent my minor years in such a state of skin hunger that I would feel rage when people touched me accidentally, because I blocked it out and the slightest touch would open it up, which HURT. I think there is a similar thing for spirit-to-spirit contact.

I need spirit-to-spirit contact. But I can't have it with most people because if I run into a thornbush in that state, it will shut me down. It's shocking and painful: a sudden dehumanization while being in the most vulnerable state. And so many people don't even know how to make that contact to begin with. So there's already almost no safe people. And then there's even fewer who know how to make this kind of contact; yet fewer who aren't in such a state of spirit hunger that they won't devour you accidentally.

Sometimes I find someone who I can tell could share this spirit-to-spirit contact with me, but they're surrounded by thornbushes. That's the worst, but it also crushes me when they're mostly free of thornbushes but the world sucks so much from them that they don't have the energy to connect. That happens almost every time, because people don't usually clear their thornbushes unless they have endured the trauma of oppression, and that trauma drains your energy.

(I feel like I just realized why mixed-status relationships are more common than I would expect- the effort it takes to call someone out (if they are empathetic and growth-focused) may be less than the effort it takes to support someone else through their oppression while daily dealing with your own. I've never been genuinely close to someone who didn't have at least two axis of oppression, but I can imagine it's a relief to rarely be called on to comfort your close ones' suffering.)

Every person with whom I have felt that 'click' that should allow for easier, deeper connection but did not because of  thornbushes or trauma or lack of energy or space or time -- every one of those people I feel a gap in my life. Even if I think they are full of awful hateful ideas, I can still feel what SHOULD be and I still crave it.

I'm so passionately dedicated to creating intimacy wherever I can because I feel the holes where it should be. I know that some people probably see me quite negatively for for my furious and often rude resistance of evil. But human intimacy cannot exist without conflict because humans vary and that causes conflict. And in a world full of oppression, there's a shitton of trauma connected to that variation, which makes conflict way more common and way more difficult.

I used to avoid conflict because I wanted to be seen as a loving person. I wanted to be seen as loving more than I wanted to change this hateful world to one where love could flourish. I have given up being seen as loving. People who understand intimacy will understand that I am loving and that is enough.

I need more connection. I need to not have to fight endlessly through barriers to feel connection. I need it to exist for me in more than just two or three people in my 32 years of life! This is part of the reason I work to do whatever I can to create justice. It is only in a more just world that I have any chance of having my needs met. I don't just crave a world that doesn't damage people. I crave a world where I can meet a person, feel a click with them, and explore that with joy, knowing that there will not be evil dysempathetic ideas lurking or so much trauma and energy-drain that I cannot connect with them.

I have not killed off my naive former self who literally wanted to be intimate with every human. I fight against those who attack intimacy with oppression and denial, so that maybe someday another spirit like mine will have more of a chance of doing what my child self wished. I fight for all those who suffer and I fight for that little part of me that can't help hoping. I won't ever stop. I will not avoid conflict. It is not only a necessary tool for creating intimacy, but perhaps the greatest one.

I'm not calling these truths, just musings. As such they could be totally wrong, so don't hesitate to disagree!

When you have only had shitty friends, you don't get a chance to learn all the friendship skills, because a friendship can't go beyond the most skilled one in it (unless you mutually work on it).  So if you are a level 2 with only level 1 friends, you can't move to level 3. If you're a level 1 with level 1 friends, you could both move to level 2 if you both decided to build that skill. Some of friendship is about intention, but a lot of it is about experience.

I think that people are composed of their experiences (and don't have much power over what those experiences are) so all you can really do is seek people who are similar to you in level, want to grow in friendship, and aren't so privileged or prejudiced that they can't see you as a person - and hope you get lucky. This is obviously easier if you are in a category that isn't routinely dehumanized and othered. Many more people are willing to invest in you when your looks and identity are something they feel comfortable with. Just from my relatively privileged experience, it was SO much easier to find friends when I was thinner and identified as a monogamous straight cis person. Also I am beyond lucky/privileged in the fact that I got to go to therapy for two and a half years, and got plenty of time to write and learn how to hone my communication, and more than anything else I was able to find people who were on my level but ready to move to the next and willing to do so with me. You can't create friendship skills without time, energy, and people to teach you and/or practice with. So, if you have few friendship skills it doesn't actually say that much about you as a person, necessarily. I think it only matters how you react to a chance to learn a new friendship skill.

I see four levels of friendship experience.

1) spending time together (not sharing deeply) in fun.
Most people exist at this level of friendship; at this stage a very close friend is one with whom you spend time with regularly or at length. At this stage, to feel close you have to be in-person and get things like smiles, laughter, hugs, overlapping energy, silliness, and play. You need (nearly) all interactions to feel good, because the only bad-feeling things that nourish a person involve sharing deeply.  If something feels bad about spending time with a person, they no longer count as a friend, because they're not doing the things that you consider to be friendship (sharing fun time).

2) giving emotional support/listening.
This next step often still requires spending a lot of time together for closeness, because people in the first stages of vulnerability often need the immediate feedback of in-person or real-time communication. Saying something vulnerable and then waiting is often much harder than saying something vulnerable and having immediate response.  For people in this stage, fun is still important, but it is also important to be able to express your negative feelings and have them held safely. People in the first stage can do this rarely if someone in massive crisis, but more often and they're gone; people in the 2nd stage consider supporting each other emotionally to be a vital part of friendship. I dunno if this is true for others, but when I was in this stage, I had a very hard time balancing my support for others with my own needs. It was like receiving support was so important to me that I imagined it as just as vital for everyone else, and I couldn't manage my own boundaries because it seemed so terrible to ever say no to a support need. This got me into trouble a lot.

3) giving feedback in a way that sparks new self-understanding; inspiring each other.
In this stage, spending time together for fun and support has decreased in importance.  I think that a person has to receive a certain amount of support for a certain length of time in order to move to this stage. I think ideally, your parents would give you enough support in your childhood that you could go into adulthood in this stage of friendship, but I've never seen that happen. The people I have seen in this stage at early adulthood had unusually supportive friend relationships early. For me, I got to this stage through the unbelievably kind and generous and faithful love of my LJ friends throughout the time I was working through childhood sexual abuse. Support is no longer a strong need for me, because I once hit that critical level. I think it is possible for people who have not yet hit that level to still very much value feedback that leads to new self-understanding, but I consider the level marker to be when it becomes more important than emotional support. At that point, you seek different friends and different kinds of interactions. Instead of seeking comfort first, you seek friendships that push you out of your comfort zone. You have a new set of goals in friendship. Support and spending time is of course still a need and important, but it's not primary. It becomes more important to be able to learn from and about each other.

4) challenging each other and responding positively; mutual accountability.
This may not be the final level but it is the deepest and most intense one I have witnessed. This is when not only do you value each other's feedback, but you hold each other accountable to the values that you have decided are important (not necessarily the same ones). For instance, Kylei values a broad sense of community and I do not, so in this level of friendship I would pay attention to whether or not they were investing in broad community, and point out any way I could see that they could invest more. Likewise, I value creativity, and someone could check in on me to see if I was living up to my value and creating regularly, whether they valued that for themselves or not. This level requires a lot of time and energy as well as skills in self-awareness and observation of others.

( rambles... )

A friend asked me what nourishes me in friendship, and after thinking on it, this is how friends can nourish me:

1. self-care/growth/awareness. This is far and away the most important, the thing that nourishes me most in spending time with someone (whether virtually or in-person). A person can be the best person in the world, but if they aren't good at self-care it will not nourish me to be around them. I think this is partly because I sense the care that they need and I have to practice a lot of self-discipline to be around them without trying to fill that hole (a vast improvement over my previous self, but still an intense and draining struggle for me), and that struggle gets exponentially harder the more I care about them. So the skill of self-care prevents me from feeling a constant drain (due to that internal struggle) in their presence.

But the other side of that, growth, is actively nourishing to me when it is shared with me. When someone has been, for instance, going to therapy regularly and learning new skills that they are applying in their relationships or their daily habits, I can feel that and it subconsciously nourishes me. (or if they have simply been taking a walk everyday because it helps them feel mentally clear and less anxious, or they've been reading more, etc) Further, if they describe it to me, it nourishes me more because I learn more about them as they learn about themselves, and I also learn about myself as they share. Sometimes this is because they share something that teaches me something new, sometimes it's just as simple as noting my reaction to a particular aspect of something and realizing something new about myself from that.

I often spark this on my own by asking questions that prompt self-reflection and growth, but that is usually a much much smaller nourishment because it requires energy to put in. If I ask a simple question and then the person makes explores it carefully and thoughtfully, that can be really nourishing, but that requires a certain mental habit of critical analysis and a level of practiced openness that most people don't have, so it is rare.

2. shared passion and enthusiasm. This is more complex than it seems at first glance, because it involves the other person not only understanding and caring about the same thing I care about, but expressing that emphatically and emotionally, 'hyper'ly even. And this could be anger, joy, excitement, shock, wonder, etc, any passionate emotion. Kylei has always nourished me in this way, because Kylei is very VERY good at being enthusiastic and loud about it. On the flip side, if I share something I feel passionate about with someone and they have a calm or flat reaction to it, I will feel drained by having shared with them and will wish I hadn't, because if I had instead written about it I would have had a better reaction just from myself re-reading it.

3. creating together. I find creating to be nourishing in itself, and when someone creates with me I feel extra nourished because I feel like they are investing in their self-care/growth as well as my self-care and growth. Conversely, if someone sets the intention with me to create, and then doesn't, I sometimes feel worse than I would have if I had just created alone.

4. spiritual working together. This can be incredibly nourishing but it requires number 1, 2, and 3 or it takes more energy than it gives.

5. asking me meaningful specific questions. This can be nourishing from anyone, but has far more impact if the question is one that I hadn't considered, and/or if it is about something that I am currently positively emotionally invested in. (being asked about things that I find stressful is draining, not nourishing, though someone who is really good at questioning can sometimes make an overall nourishing conversation out of it) Vague questions like "how are you?" are not at all nourishing because they take so much work for me to organize my thoughts and answer. (my ADD-PI means I hate vagueness in general, btw)

6. cuddles/focused touch. This can make me feel REALLY nourished BUT it is only good for me if the person is 1) good at self-care AND 2) is good at noting my reactions and adjusting for the comfort of both of us AND 3) is generous. I am very physically sensitive and it is easy to make me feel bad, and if I give a lot of cuddles without also getting them it rapidly gets more draining than nourishing. I like drinking and cuddling because I get numbed and then it is not distressing to the point of emotional suffering to have someone brush a sensitive place accidentally. Otherwise, I exclusively give (which I do really love when it doesn't happen too often) or do some specific and boundaried touch (like let them rub my feet or pet my hair).

7. gifts of effort. This can be things like driving to see me when you live far away, or doing a chore I hate doing. But if you don't ask if I want it and get a yes first (or ask if I have a blanket answer for that particular thing), it can be upsetting, because I want to be able to measure my gratitude against your effort. If it is going to take a lot out of you but only give me a little, then it is not worth it and if you do it I will just feel bad for your loss rather than feeling happy for my gain.

Things that have low to no nourishment value for me: activities which don't involve the previous things (so, going to the movies together would not nourish me unless we deconstructed it after or something), people expressing empathy/sympathy for my negative feelings (I want them to care, but I'm okay just trusting that they care unless I am in a desperate place and if I am there, I will specifically request support), being told nice things about myself, being listened to without feedback. These are all nice and certainly don't have a negative effect, but they are not things that have a large emotional impact on me.

Being able to tell when someone is not interested in learning is a vital skill in resisting oppression, I think. I have a system now. If you make a problematic statement, I will ( follow these five steps )

If at any point, someone comes to me with a request for resources to learn, I will courteously and generously try to come up with the resources I think would be most helpful. I will give of my time, energy, and thought to do this. But I will not waste any time on someone who just wants to try to verbally fence with me. Pripois often find it entertaining to fight about social issues that have no negative effect on them, and I have no interest in providing their entertainment. (pripoi= privilege-poisoned person, one who denies privilege and/or refuses to try to reduce its effects)

I consider it a radical and important action to tell a privileged person that their opinion on oppression is useless. They are almost always shocked by this, and it sticks in their memory. Being flat-out told you are wrong and uninterestingly so is a rare experience for pripois. It encourages them to self-examine. I know this was true for me when I was privilege-poisoned. (I am still privileged of course, but no longer to the point of denying my own privilege or refusing to attempt to ameliorate its effects)

On realizing that I'm wrong, I often feel embarrassed if I think I should have figured it out already, but I also feel happy because it means I learned something new. I prefer to realize things myself because that's less embarrassing but I feel grateful when someone tells me information that makes me realize I was wrong about something with a lot of impact, because it feels like the world is suddenly profoundly changed and I have potential for many new understandings. It's a gift to have someone correct my misunderstanding -- yes, even if it's done rudely. Also, one of the habits I have built as a protection against embarrassment is to say, "yeah, I was wrong" as soon as I realize it. It prevents me getting defensive, and it allows me to stop calculating the extent of my wrongness and focus on figuring out a way to do better. It sort of short-circuits the shame cycle, for me. (if it is something I feel really bad about, I can fret about it later where the person confronting me doesn't have to deal with my self-centered guilt/shame)

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How not to be a pripoi: an example.

An example of reducing the effects of privilege would be: you're a man and you're hanging out with a woman and a man. The man makes a sexist comment and the woman responds explaining the problem. You resisting oppression and reducing privilege effect would be saying something like "I agree" or "you need to listen to this" rather than making your own argument in the same vein. Men have the privilege of having their arguments taken seriously while women are ignored, and you can push back against this by being supportive without adding your own voice, if there is already someone who is not a man speaking. If no one else speaks up, then by all means, express your issue with the sexist comment. But if after your initial statement, someone who actually experiences that oppression takes up the discussion, remember that it's time to pull back and be supportive.

I learned that^ method by example, when a default (white hetero cisgender nondisabled male) posted a really sexist article and myself and three women had pointed out various issues in it. The default ignored all of our arguments. Then an ally who is a really great person (also a default) came in and said something that was a rephrasing of one of the same points. The pripoi default then suddenly acknowledged that point, while criticizing the rest of us. This was a fail of allyship because it allowed the pripoi to dismiss 90% of what we had said, and when I noticed it I realized that I have done the same thing before with issues where I am the ally (such as racism or mobility impairment). I determined that I would do my best to express only support in a discussion of an issue that doesn't affect me when others have it handled. However I have a shit memory and I know I have fucked up since then, so if you ever notice me failing on this please call me out.

I have a problem with the sometimes sounding 'mean' especially with my favorite people. I think I throw bystanders for a loop when I talk with Topaz or Kylei sometimes because I will make fun of them sort of? but it's always about things that I have already discussed with them and they know I'm not being mean but expressing that I know them. I think it can come off mean though, and sometimes I'll forget and do it with someone who doesn't know me as well and they might take it as a passive-aggressive dig. I have definitely done it with Kei-Won-Tia and Anika and then realized that they might not feel like I am expressing affection for that aspect of them, and tried to explain, but I worry that that comes off as insincere. I feel regret for this habit whenever that happens. Not sure if I should try to unlearn it. Thoughts?

Like, if someone called me "as subtle as a brick to the face" I would feel loved and flattered that they were expressing this understanding of me, because I feel that my lack of subtlety is a quality that is fairly essential to who I am. But that may be a very strange quirk and what if I am making people feel like shit in my attempts to show understanding and affection? Ugh, dreadful possibility. If I have ever said something that was pointing out of one of your outstanding qualities in an over-the-top way, did it make you feel bad? or..?

I want to start doing a weekly summary on Mondays (if I can remember). I keep wanting to share things and then forgetting. If you are curious and I miss a Monday, please poke me about it.

Last week I did a shitton of art, editing photos and working with fractals. Last Monday's energy work class was great because we got to practice sensing energies with each other. I have learned some new techniques but so far the thing that has benefited me the most is the shared practice. It's hard to learn by yourself because you don't have anyone to tell you when you're off-base and you can't get a sense for what 'true' feels like as opposed to 'likely'. We practiced looking at energy during an impromptu healing that the instructor gave to someone who came in upset. We also practiced using our hands to sense the edge of people's energetic field.

Arizona was in town this week and I spent Sunday with zir, talking and cuddling and then having dinner with Arizona, Deb, and Jerry. Deb and Jerry are people I feel very very fond of but quite awkward about building a relationship now that I'm not so closely connected to their kids. They feel like family to me which also sets off my "not successful enough, not contributing enough" anxieties. I shared this with Arizona and ze invited me to dinner. The four of us had pretty great conversation and they invited me to visit - I want to get over my anxieties and actually do that. Next meteor shower I'm gonna ask to visit, at least.

Wednesday Arizona and zir partner Sulley came over to hang out with me for a while. It was kinda bittersweet because I miss them and now they live out of state, but it was good to catch up and great to see Sulley so happy: ze's at zir dream job and the contentment just radiates.

Thursday Kei-won-tia came over and we talked for a little while before I mentioned wanting to watch Adventure Time with zir and Kyle. Ze said we could do it now, and I decided to skip oneness blessing and we went to zir place. We had a great time and I felt so cozy there.

Friday the internet went out and I frustratedly tried everything but the modem had crapped out so nothing worked. The only productive thing I did that day was clean out my bettas' (3 gallon) vase.

Saturday I went to Hannahcohn's cat's funeral, which was sad but really perfect, as far as that kind of goodbye goes. There was a lot of love. I felt that my presence was comforting to Hannah, which was why I wanted to go. Hannah loves that cat more than many people love their children and the loss must be so immense. Afterward I realized I was only 15 minutes from Sanctuary (Kei-Won-Tia's house) so I went over and we watched Adventure Time interspersed with very meaningful conversation between me, Kei-Won-Tia, and Kyle. I drank a bit and was leaning towards staying the night, but then I sobered up and realized I didn't have a change of clothes and would wake up feeling super gross, so I went to Topaz's where I went to bed but couldn't sleep for ages (I think I lay in bed for 6 hours before sleep) and eventually got just 4 hours or so.

Sunday I woke up and scurried home, whirlwind cleaned my house for a bit, and then people started arriving for the crafty party. Ashe came over, which was interesting because it is the first time ze's been to my house for years. Ze played piano which I unexpectedly enjoyed (I usually find piano music bothersome because my parents made me play for 4 years). Ze also brought a new friend, Rayne, who is pagan and seems awesome. I felt so awkward but really happy, and I enjoyed both of their company. Then Heather and Heatherby and Taz and Olly showed up, and were surprised by the mellow feel. Kylei and Allison are my bouncy boisterous friends (I'm only like that if I'm drunk or extremely happy) so without them everything's pretty chill. I like for things to be bouncy but I am not invested enough to make it so myself. Bouncy is not a creative energy for me -- when I am creating I get very quiet and focused. Anyway it was a very successful crafty party! I really liked the things people made and I loved my craft. I made magic talismans for the people in my energy work class: I wrote blessings for them (intuiting what I felt to be their need) on tiny slips of paper which I rolled into spirals and placed in a painted plastic bottle cap along with scraps from calendars, glitter, glass, and resin. They turned out amazing and I cannot wait to do more.

Monday I had to be up early for the internet to get fixed but I couldn't sleep until late, so I got another short and interrupted sleep. I went to the last energy work class, which was intense -- we learned a technique that I feel is very good for removing doubt*. At one point we did an exercise where we thought of something unlikely (buying a dinner for two at $200 a plate) and removed doubt until we could see it as possible. When I got to the point where it felt possible, I started crying, not just tearing up but unable-to-speak-and-occasionally-sobbing. I hadn't realized it because it was so beyond my life experience, but being able to give others experiences that they would treasure is very, very important to me. I thought of this experimental restaurant that Topaz loves and how I would love to take zir there and it just hit me hard.

At the end of the class I gave out my talismans along with the blessings written out on post-its so they could have them, and they were welcomed so happily. Five of the people said that they were spot-on (the other did not comment), one person cried, one person thanked me profusedly. Also, as I was leaving one of the students told me that ze had practiced an energy work thing I had suggested and it had helped, which made me feel so happy. The thing I got out of this class more than anything else was coming to trust in my intuition, and to believe that the things that I feel as right often are. The doubt-removing exercise was also very useful and I will definitely be using that.

As I left, this headache that I'd been pushing away for 2 hours finally just crashed in -- it was awful, crushing pain. I started to drive home but the lights from other cars were stabbing me and I didn't feel fully there and I kept feeling like I was going to puke, so I called Topaz and asked if I could come there. Ze said yes and so I did, and by the time I got there all I could do was lay on the floor and whimper. I didn't know if it was lack of sleep or lack of food or dehydration or some terrible combination, but it hurt so much. Topaz pet me and gave me cold compresses and brought me water and saltines and made me soup. Once the nausea faded enough that I could eat, I ate and took ibuprofen and the headache went away over the next hour. We went to sleep early and I slept deeply, finally, though I had strange dreams about the trailer I lived in from ages 2-8.

*You think of a situation and rate its possibility for you on a scale from 1-100, using intuition for the rating and imagination to picture a sliding scale. Then you think of the things that make it not possible, and let them go -- all judgements and etc. Keep checking on the scale and don't stop until you get to a point of 90-95% possibility, when you can just push the slider up with your mind. Then you take a mental picture of the situation and send it outward from you in a ripple. It doesn't sound like much but when you do it, you realize a lot of subconscious things that you believe, that you might be better off if you didn't believe (like "everyone will dislike me if I...").

The realization about magic and fatness happened this weekend at the end of a long day, and Topaz listened as I talked it out. I cried the whole time and had difficulty with words, because it was a new realization that I didn't have in my conscious fully. Then we went to try and see meteors (an hour later than Topaz wanted) and Topaz had no luck and was really crushed about it, we were both utterly wiped and went to sleep, woke up to finish the conversation. Topaz was hurt because ze felt like I didn't trust zir to see me fully, and I explained that it wasn't that, but just an expression of my feelings on a broad scale, and I do trust zir. We talked about the disappointment of the night and how Topaz wanted to relax, and having a clash was exhausting. I felt torn because Topaz wants to be there for me when I am upset, but I might be upset more often than ze can handle, and ze has a stressful life and needs to be able to take joy when it comes around, and not take on every negative thing that pops up. I am okay going off and dealing with it by myself for the most part, but that would make Topaz sad, so it's like well, stress Topaz out in this way or the other? There's no best option. And we'd gotten so raw, and had so little true relaxation, that we were reacting really defensively to each other and having a hard time taking things calmly. I felt like there was some stuck bit that was making everything twice as hard as it should be. Topaz started talking about the past few weeks, referencing a pattern that I did not see of me being upset a lot. I say it is not a pattern because while I have been pretty emotional a few times this month, I feel it has been in proportion to the causes, and I've been handling things in a very productive way. Like my parents coming in town -- I was upset by that, but I processed it and because of that, my tribe is starting to come together in a way it never has before. And I had an intense crash over the lack of hope for a better world, from which I realized I need to make more spiritual movement in my life, which lead to a really intense and wonderful spiritual experience. And this latest realization is something that affects my sense of self in a huge way and I feel when I finish processing it I will be much better off.

As I was thinking out loud about this I realized that the stuff that has been coming up this month is not new -- especially not the belonging/tribe thing -- but that for at least two years I simply haven't had whatever it took to deal with old or overlooked shit. I feel like I'm in a period of upheaval and transition but it is a good kind, where I feel satisfied and accomplished afterward, not the bad kind where I feel worse and less able to cope after. When I said this to Topaz I could feel a wave of relief wash out from zir and ze hugged me. I asked if ze had been afraid that I was getting depressed again and ze said yes, that it hadn't seemed quite true but ze didn't have any other explanation for the recent upsetnesses. Ze said this fear had made it much harder to handle when I was upset. (and I think zir migraines made it all kind of blend together and seem larger because of dropped in-between memories)

So, let me just say, I think this will probably mean that a lot of my entries are going to be self-reflective and perhaps sad or upset, for a while. I noticed that I've been feeling a bit guilty when I process difficult or upsetting things without useful or happy things in between and I'm pushing back against that. I may be repetitive, I may seem complainy; if you want to unfriend I won't mind. If you choose to stay, let me feel how I'm feeling (don't try to cheer me up); I'm very good at working my way through without pushes.

rmpenguino gave me this prompt: When you are in trouble, whom do you call for help? Who do you trust to advise or talk to you in ways that most feel like your own voice?

Who I call for help depends on the kind of trouble I'm in. If I am very sad or in a panic I call Topaz, because usually what I need to feel better is cuddles and ze's SO good at that and is willing to come take care of me if I am in need and ze is at all capable (which ze usually is). But mostly I deal with trouble on my own, I'd say. I write, to understand myself, and I ask for comfort if I need it, and I seek the things that bring me joy.

I don't like advice, 99.999% of the time. I like people to ask me questions to help me think more deeply and figure stuff out, but I want to figure it out myself. When I write about frustrations here, I welcome feedback but not "here's what you should do" instead "here's what I would do" or "what do you think about this?" The people who I trust to give me respectful feedback are intimacy practice people, ex-lovers, and long-time LJ friends. I feel I could reach to any of them, and if they were capable at that moment they would give to me whatever I needed.

blimeyzawn1 asked What are the things in your friendships and romantic relationships that you feel you most need to improve?

This sort of ties in to my answer about the most important thing I recently learned: I need to improve my unprompted real-time openness skill. I also need to get into a habit of checking regularly to see if there is any behavior I am interpreting to have only one possible meaning. And I need to get in the habit of avoiding 'slush time' (time spent with a lover doing things that aren't really nourishing) because it's not good for me but it's such an easy habit to fall into (I've been much better about it lately but it's not habit yet). Another thing I don't necessarily feel I need to improve, but I WANT to improve, is my active building one-on-one. It's tiring for me so I tend to put off and forget about it but there are friends who I value dearly who I've never had a one-on-one conversation with (like you, until last week!). So I'm working to do that once a week, and reach out to someone other than Topaz once a day, because I want to invest more in active building of my connections.

justben gave me this prompt: What is the most important-to-you-right-now thing you've learned in the last six months? How did you learn it, and why is it important to you right now?

That my perceptions can be WILDLY incorrect. I knew that sort of generally, but I'd gotten used to being very perceptive and getting lots of "yeah that's what's going on" feedback, and then I talked with several people I was close to years ago and realized that back then I had never asked if my perceptions were true, and it turns out I went long periods of time on absolutely wrong perceptions. I think I mostly have the habit of asking if I am correct in what I think is going on now, but Topaz helped me see that a clue to being wrong is when I interpret something the same way every time. That was pretty shocking and cool to realize, because if I think "this behavior always means this thing" then I never think to double-check with the person to see if that is what their behavior actually means. So I found a new red flag for bad communication.

Also, learning that I am unskilled at unprompted openness in real-time. That was new knowledge and gave me a whole new thing to practice. I have a goal of sharing some unprompted meaningful thought (with a person who is not my lover) in real time every day.

Alfred gave me these prompts: describe a dystopian vision of the future & You are God Empress of Earth. What do you do?
Hmm, dystopia. Hmmm, God Empress. I'm combining these two. I'd set all the incarcerated-who-didn't-attack-people-of-less-power free and round up all the true criminals & unrepentant defaults/near-defaults and send them to Feminist Boarding School for the Criminally Patriarchal (which you can graduate from, but it's damn hard, nothing like the easy shit they went through at their ivy league coddling schools. Oh, and you have to self-educate, then pass tests set by non-defaults: if you fail try again, ain't no one gonna drag you up, ain't no buying your way out of this one). I'd make nothing illegal except infringing on a living being's will, hoarding resources, and/or damaging the environment unnecessarily and on purpose, and while I'm an omnipotent omniscient deity, I'd be the only one who got to judge if that happened. It would be FUCKING CHAOS and the world would be so much better. I'd set a curse on the earth so that if any tried to exert power over another without their consent (omniscient exceptions for parents unless they're being abusive assholes), that person automatically got covered in painful boils for a week. If they try it again, painful boils for a month. Try it again and you get SMOTE. Lightning, dead. Better learn to ask and negotiate, I am not a merciful godde and I know your intentions. I'd set up new governance such that prepubescent children got to decide (initially with my guidance) if someone broke the law or not, and how to punish them. One generation later, all children are raised communally so that there can actually be consensual parenting relationships (children old enough to communicate choose who they want to guide them, from a pool of people who consent to parent). After those children were raised I'd consider my work done. The curse stays though, since otherwise there'd be some shitheads trying to rule.

At intimacy practice one of the things I talked about was about how Topaz and I haven't had much time together since I've been working and ze's been in a constant swamp of stress for at least six weeks, through work and family obligations. A few days after that we had a conflict over some misunderstanding and we didn't have time to heal it right away which felt HORRIBLE. The next day we had long talks over text and agreed to have just quiet healing time and not discuss our relationship, and I think that has sort of kept on going, which makes me a little nervous. I'm not sure that that is accurate because it all feels good between us, I just don't feel resolved on the tangled worries that Topaz was having that might or might not include our relationship changing. I miss time with Topaz so much, real time where we focus on each other and explore life. I have maintained my own internal health though, instead of trying to fix everything and spending all of myself on it. I give what I can and also take time for myself.

Abby and Arizona and Trevor all moved out of state and I was feeling not only sad that they're so far away, but also worried that I wouldn't have enough open/honest people in my life and wouldn't be able to find more. I feel reassured after last week's intimacy practice, because there were three newbies who all participated fully. I felt so honored that they all opened up so much, and also felt encouraged that our friendships would become lasting ones.

I've spent time with friends (Aaron, Laure, Taz, Camellia) who had all been on my 'list of people to invest time in' which is a fantastic development as it means I have actual energy for more than survival! And I've had really positive interactions with Aurilion, including a conversation that made me realize that (as Aurilion put it) ze wasn't ready to claim zir agency when we were together, and is coming into true ownership of zir life now. I don't know what that means for us, but it is really good news for zir. Also I randomly messaged Viv tonight and exchanged updated contact info; hopefully we can reconnect. Also I skyped with Firekat and with Abby, which made them feel much more within reach. I feel like I am much more of a person when I have active connections. I feel a strong need for a local heart connection, and I'm trailing out little energetic tendrils looking for that.

I feel like Kylei and I are finally getting to a good place; I'm beginning to feel affection for zir again. It's pretty bizarre how I get totally numb -- I guess it's my psyche's way of saying "no really, if you give one more speck of energy you're gonna die, so I'm gonna make you stop caring." I remember this happening with Hannah when we broke up after our short romance, and how it was scary as fuck. At least with Kylei I knew it would be temporary, but I also know if I try to rush it it will be completely counterproductive. But hugs feel better, and I am encouraged to know that the stasis has ended and the recovery has begun.

My relationship with myself is blossoming right now, as I'm editing and sharing photos (on dA and tumblr and flickr), writing and crafting, reading and organizing, listening to lots of music at the rate of about 2-3 new albums a month. I'm really happy at my self-kindness and pleased that I haven't sacrificed my relationship with myself for other things that I want.

I miss Hannah so much. I feel hopelessly out of touch; I keep trying but haven't managed at all lately and I feel sad and a little hurt about it. But I'm saving, and hoping that ze can come visit me this December.

Other than homework my life has been filled to the brim with Topaz. I just came home tonight after spending probably two weeks or more at zir place (stopping by home occasionally to get things). I think we have spent one or MAYBE two nights apart since I got back from TBC, either at my place or at zirs, and this doesn't feel like too much. Partly we can spend time together while doing other things, partly we just miss each other when we're apart. The other people I have been comfortable spending this much time with from the beginning are Hannah and Kylei, but even with them I needed more breaks because we would have painful conflict more often. Topaz and I have had some painful conflicts but it's rarer and healing them is less draining. I don't know how to explain, exactly... We had this one conflict where I was being careless with my response to something that was very important to Topaz, and it hurt zir, and we thought we had this fundamental philosophical difference, which we didn't (we use opposite words to mean the same things in some ways), and the logical part was pretty quickly mended but then the feelings had to catch up, and afterward I felt tired but I didn't feel drained. That was our first real conflict and we have gotten better at it since, I feel. And starting out from "pretty good" conflict and rapidly improving is amazing.

also amazing to me is the way Topaz grows. Ze is very open but also new to sharing on the level that I practice, so it can be difficult for zir to answer when I ask what ze is thinking or feeling. But ze tries very hard (to the point of sometimes getting upset with zirself over lack of perfection) and it's amazing how quickly ze's growing in this area. I've been close with many people who had difficulty with this and usually the progress is very slow, so that contributes to my amazement. I don't remember the timeline of my own growth but I don't imagine that it was so fast, either.

There's also supremely amazing sex; I want to write about that but it will need to be locked. I'll just say that I am trying all kinds of delightful new things and that my flexibility and strength is improving markedly ;-)

We speak the same language and it is incredibly easy to feel our agreement or lack thereof... usually if I say some complex feeling or belief and someone else says "me too" I feel compelled to ask, "how so?" partly to clarify and partly to see if it is truly 90-100% shared or if it is just 51%(+) shared. With Topaz I can just tell, and it is often 90-100% shared and when it is not I ask for elaboration.

We are emotively sensitive to each other -- there was a time this past week where I went into distraction-mode and was more distant from Topaz and it was mild yet ze noticed and cared enough to ask me about it. I have NEVER had that happen before; I almost always notice before the other person, and the few times that hasn't been true it has been a pretty intense distance. Also there are occasional freaky moments where I wonder if I have said something I was thinking out loud because Topaz heard it and responded -- but I did not say anything. And we feel each other's emotions and influences.

The strange thing is that being with Topaz feels like it has changed the current of my life in an alchemical way; I feel constantly as though I might be dreaming. I have pinched myself every day, it seems. I don't know what this means, and it's not really that physically evident but it is intensely mentally different. I am adjusting, slowly, and I hope to be finding some sort of comfort with the shift soon; it feels amazing, but also like I am out of my depth. I am so used to being able to touch bottom and even though I am enjoying the freedom to dive and spin, it's also disorienting. I look back at my life and I just don't feel like the same person. I want to get to an equilibrium of change so that I can say "okay, I am this person now" because right now I change so intensely in such an unconscious way, every day, that I cannot say who I was yesterday or who I will be tomorrow. I know that I will be in school for the next year at least, and that I will be working with N/A*, but everything else is not just unpredictable but unfathomable in a whole new way.

This is from my perspective as a fairly neurotypical person, and may reflect neurotypical privilege; please understand that I am speaking to/about neurotypical experiences/abilities. How this process might work in brains significantly different from mine, I don't know (if you do, I'd love if you'd share with me).

The human mind is programmable and everything we take in -- consciously or unconsciously -- alters that programming. I've recently realized that I have a high level of skill at programming my mind because I started very early. I have always believed that some people can 'hear' thoughts and that I can't tell who can, so if I ever think it would be shitty to SAY something, I make sure I do not THINK it either. That habit started because I didn't want especially-sensitive (thought-reading) people to think badly of me, and as I developed a taste for honesty and openness, it became more central. If I want to be honest and open, ready to answer truthfully whenever someone might ask "what are you thinking?" I need to make sure that my thoughts and utterances match. I consider it a level of profound dishonesty to think one thing and utter another. (This is why I want people to call me by the pronoun that reflects how they see me, rather than the one that reflects how I see myself. If they gender me, I want to know)

I've heard many people say that they "can't help how they think" and to a certain extent, that's true. We can't help the ways that societal bullshit imprints on us, or the thoughts that pop up unbeckoned. We CAN control a good bit of what we let in, and we CAN "talk back," and over time we CAN silence those sexist, racist, etc thoughts. It takes discipline and practice. It takes recognizing that there is some HORRIBLE SHIT inside us, and instead of moving on quickly when we have rotten thoughts, we need to examine them and talk back. An example would be body policing: back in the day I might see someone with clothing that highlights their fat, and think to myself, "she shouldn't be wearing that, she looks awful." Instead of responding to my shame by ignoring the fact that I'd just thought that, I would talk back by saying, "why am I judging how someone else chooses to decorate themselves? She has a right to put anything on her body that she wants. She has no obligation to dress in a way that I would prefer. What is it that I think this person 'shouldn't' be doing? Showing their fat. What is wrong with that? nothing. What is it that is preventing me from seeing this person as perfectly beautiful? I am thinking that fat is bad. Fat is not bad, it is just a body part. Now I will look again with intent of seeing them without the lens of social judgement. Now I can see [the entire person, whom I missed because I was so busy judging out of fatphobia]." Fatphobia is an easy example for me because I feel sure that I'm 99% over it. I have no idea how much of most other prejudices are still in me, so those are harder to talk about. It's weird because at a certain point of learning about racism and sexism, I would hear those things in my head. I would hear things like "bitch" or "watermelon" (the last one I found very strange because I didn't even know that liking watermelon was a stereotype until I took a class on racism) and be shocked and ashamed that those associations were in my head, particularly because I had never accepted them as truth, and yet there they were, in my subconscious. I still feel a lot of shame that that would ever occur to me, but my only power over my mind is what I allow to STAY, not what comes in (though that, too, we can affect by not watching media that supports stereotypes, not putting up with other people saying prejudiced stuff, limiting our exposure to those memes as much as we can).

If lookist/racist/sexist/ableist (etc) slurs come to your mind when you get angry with someone, that means you still have those thoughts embedded in you and they are still doing damage to yourself and others, whether you can notice that damage or not. When people are put under pressure, what gets squeezed out is whatever is in your subconscious. If you haven't cleared that stuff out, it's going to be horrible HORRIBLE stuff; increasing with the amount of privilege you have. Violence, hatred, prejudice, arrogance, entitlement, etc. It's so important that we don't try to stuff those thoughts and urges down but instead dissect and cast them out. I am not saying ACT on the bullshit that comes out of your subconscious! I'm saying WORK on it. If you have an urge to be violent to someone or call them names or if they become a stereotype to you when you're angry, examine that, deal with it. If you don't feel equipped to handle it yourself, ask a trusted friend or get counseling (if you have access to those things). At the very least, be honest with people who trust you. Don't pretend to be perfect; be willing to accept it when people point out that your imprinting is showing, and take that opportunity to look CAREFULLY at where that is coming from and what lies you might subconsciously be believing. If you have people in your life who are willing to do the (exhausting, unrewarding) labor of pointing out where you need to unlearn things, take that for the gift that it is; don't just use it to hide your prejudice, use it to change your mind. PRACTICE.

This is something I know I need to work on. Being honest about my ignorance (especially when it comes to race and disability) is hard for me. If you notice me doing/saying something that reflects ignorance, privilege, or prejudice in any way, I want to know. I'm not going to take it as you calling me a bad person, I'm going to take it as a possible new pathway to removing imprinted lies. I feel nervous because as far as I can remember, I have learned my problem areas indirectly, and I know it has to have occurred to people that I was showing problematic beliefs, but I haven't been called out on it directly (except to be called "racist against whites" and "sexist against men" which [so far] has always been a problem with understanding how privilege works). I fear that I might seem too dogmatic or something. I hope that people will be frank with me about these things.

There tends to be a disparity in my relationships regarding initiating contact: I tend to do much more of it than the other person, and when that happens for a long period of time, my self-worth takes a nosedive. So my first reaction is to see if the other person is willing & able to do more initiating, and if that's not the case, then I decrease the amount I'm doing until I don't feel bad about it anymore. I get caught in horrible loops if the other person gets upset with me for decreasing, but otherwise it works.

It's strange to me how my relationships shift around in completely unpredictable ways. Currently I'm in romantic relationships with Kylei, Arizona, and Adi. Kylei I live with (and have lived with for the last year and a half) and see every day (on the days where one of us is out of town we tend to have at least one hour of phonetalking per day). Adi is extremely busy as ze's dating five other people, and ze also has ADD so we don't really talk unless we're in person. Arizona is also very busy and not much for distance communication. I have intense emotional/spiritual connections with both of them and ideally I'd like to have the kind of relationships with them where we talked at least via text at least every other day, but I know realistically that that is not going to happen, and I've come to acceptance about it. Lately I've been reflecting on it and while I'm okay with having relationships that are at this low level of communication, it's not very nourishing for me. It IS nourishing, just at a very low level and I'd like to be creating what I want.

But most people don't seem to want that level of communication, or if they do want it they are not able to do it. I was really, incredibly lucky to find Kylei, who wants to maintain our super-communicativeness as much as I do, but I want to develop at least one more bond like this. But it has to be a yearning PLUS ability on the part of the other person and that seems difficult. If Kylei and I didn't live together I don't think we'd have been able to maintain it while Kylei was dating others, because I think Kylei's lack of dating outside the house I was living in was what facilitated us staying connected like that while living apart. That sounds convoluted but I'm not sure how to untangle an explanation.

A month ago Abby and I decided to "officially" reclassify ourselves as friends because our romantic relationship had dissolved due to a mixture of things. I think our relationship began on the heels of a very intense and hurtful relationship of Abby's, and there were a lot of things that Abby needed in zir life in order to heal and ze subconsciously expected these from me. That worked badly with my own issues; a combination of 1) when people have expectations that I fail to meet and they get hurt by it, I feel like renegotiating is not an option and I just MUST do the things, but I can't, and then I feel like shit about myself which means I have less to give, and 2) when someone expects me to give, I don't want to, because I feel like the gift is taken away and it has become a duty. Abby and I met up today and talked about a lot of things, including this aspect of our relationship. I think we've both learned a lot. I've learned that I have a problem with not confronting expectations if they are expectations of things that I would naturally do 95% of the time, but I need to be wary of that and make sure that I'm not falling into old patterns of guilt and taking-on-responsibility-for-someone-else's-happiness (which is not necessarily an action of theirs at all) and stress. Instead I need to be clear and honest with myself and my people; I need to make sure that I give gifts that are received as such, and that if I do not want to give a gift, I don't. And I need to check in with myself regularly and ask, "is there a pattern?" whether good or bad. Kylei is very generous with small favors -- getting me water, letting the cat out, bringing me things -- but I only noticed this as a pattern this past week. Now that I have noticed it as a pattern instead of individual moments, I am much more nourished by it. And obviously if there is a negative pattern I need to notice that in order to change it.

Also I realized that I really missed Abby. Near the end there was so much stress and guilt and hurt for me that I felt relief to be out of contact, but after that went away our connection is still there. When we hugged today I just wanted to stand and hug for like an hour. We're going to work on our friendship, which makes me happy.

2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

( important events in 2011 )

2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

( important events in 2011 )

So barely two weeks ago I started dating a new person, Adi. After the second intimacy practice, Kyle and John and Adi and I hung out and Adi had lots of wine and grape-bravely told me that ze wanted to be romantic with me (after I asked what ze was thinking); the next day I emailed and asked if that was true now that ze was sober and if so, what it meant. After some conversation we decided to date... and on that first date I fell completely and utterly in love. We talked so nakedly; I shared about things that my faith is delicate on (even things that still feel too scary to share on LJ).

And it went from being friendly metamours (metamour: the lover of one's lover) to deep nourishing intense erotic romantic love. I am full of adoration but more than that, I already feel incredibly close and united, to a level I've rarely experienced. There is no nervousness left, no worries, no doubts (the fear-spark is gone, haha) -- I know that Adi is going to be in my life for the rest of it (even if I cannot predict how), and I feel pretty sure that it's going to be a deeply-intertwined relationship for all that time. I feel as confident about it as I do about Hannah being in my life forever; I don't feel even a little worried that Adi is going to develop a life that I cannot fit into. We already have conflict resolution that feels safe and understanding on both sides (something that took a long time to build with the others I have it with). I'm intensely empathetic with Adi, to the point where zir intoxication gets me intoxicated without me imbibing directly (even with intoxicants that have no direct effect on me).

And I see a similar thing between Kyle and Adi as far as the connection goes. It's interesting because I connect with both of them SO much, and they connect with each other in a way that is very different from how they each connect with me. Some of it doesn't really translate (like video games and strategy board games) but it's still similar enough that the three of us spend time together without it feeling like 2 and 1. Also Adi and I being together has shifted their relationship dramatically -- in large part because I talked to Adi about Kyle and then relayed Adi's feelings to Kyle, who then confessed that ze had held back, thinking that Adi wasn't all that emotionally invested. They talked about it and it created a new openness and mutual awareness ;-) [they started dating September 22nd of last year] I could see the three of us forming a triad (I've been pondering what that means) but I don't feel an urge to set any expectations or specific commitments (and I don't think they do either) so for now we're just a very linked triangle (with branches).

I feel stunned at how rapidly this has developed and how incredibly strong it is already. I feel like I planted an acorn two weeks ago and it's already a large enough tree to climb and sit in. And I already feel changed; I feel like there is a part of me that finds resonance in Adi that I have been yearning for, and now that part is blooming, unfurling.

So barely two weeks ago I started dating a new person, Adi. After the second intimacy practice, Kyle and John and Adi and I hung out and Adi had lots of wine and grape-bravely told me that ze wanted to be romantic with me (after I asked what ze was thinking); the next day I emailed and asked if that was true now that ze was sober and if so, what it meant. After some conversation we decided to date... and on that first date I fell completely and utterly in love. We talked so nakedly; I shared about things that my faith is delicate on (even things that still feel too scary to share on LJ).

And it went from being friendly metamours (metamour: the lover of one's lover) to deep nourishing intense erotic romantic love. I am full of adoration but more than that, I already feel incredibly close and united, to a level I've rarely experienced. There is no nervousness left, no worries, no doubts (the fear-spark is gone, haha) -- I know that Adi is going to be in my life for the rest of it (even if I cannot predict how), and I feel pretty sure that it's going to be a deeply-intertwined relationship for all that time. I feel as confident about it as I do about Hannah being in my life forever; I don't feel even a little worried that Adi is going to develop a life that I cannot fit into. We already have conflict resolution that feels safe and understanding on both sides (something that took a long time to build with the others I have it with). I'm intensely empathetic with Adi, to the point where zir intoxication gets me intoxicated without me imbibing directly (even with intoxicants that have no direct effect on me).

And I see a similar thing between Kyle and Adi as far as the connection goes. It's interesting because I connect with both of them SO much, and they connect with each other in a way that is very different from how they each connect with me. Some of it doesn't really translate (like video games and strategy board games) but it's still similar enough that the three of us spend time together without it feeling like 2 and 1. Also Adi and I being together has shifted their relationship dramatically -- in large part because I talked to Adi about Kyle and then relayed Adi's feelings to Kyle, who then confessed that ze had held back, thinking that Adi wasn't all that emotionally invested. They talked about it and it created a new openness and mutual awareness ;-) [they started dating September 22nd of last year] I could see the three of us forming a triad (I've been pondering what that means) but I don't feel an urge to set any expectations or specific commitments (and I don't think they do either) so for now we're just a very linked triangle (with branches).

I feel stunned at how rapidly this has developed and how incredibly strong it is already. I feel like I planted an acorn two weeks ago and it's already a large enough tree to climb and sit in. And I already feel changed; I feel like there is a part of me that finds resonance in Adi that I have been yearning for, and now that part is blooming, unfurling.

There are just no words for how much relief and joy I feel at having Kyle back. Y'all who knew me when Hannah or Aurilion came to visit know how excited I was picking them up at the airport after not seeing them for 3 months (Aurilion) or a YEAR (Hannah) and I was nearly that excited about seeing Kyle after NINE DAYS apart. And I think we talked (mostly on gtalk) for at least three hours every day except for Friday and Saturday... but I crave Kyle's touch all the time, and I crave touching zir, and I crave eye contact and exploring new things with our bodies and energybodies. I now understand why Hannah missed Nick even when ze was with me (which I found upsetting at the time because I was like, "but it's US! how can you miss someone else when filled with THIS magic?") -- and find it flattering that it took a while for the missing to start. I've never lived with someone who was both WIDE FUCKING OPEN and deeply connected on multiple levels before -- I had a little taste of it when I lived at Serendipity and everyone was actively practicing openness, but it's different when it's already habit. I don't think I ever wrote about how Kyle and I connect energetically and I still don't think I'm ready to write about it but it's really insanely intense -- we're even more alike than Hannah and I. And I think it's funny that people probably don't see us as alike (especially because when I'm around Kyle I'm often so enchanted with watching zir interact with people that I'm much quieter than usual) but we are. We just developed opposite coping mechanisms, heh. Kyle and I fit together like Hannah and I but ze inspires me in different ways. Hannah pushes me in compassion and knowledge and creative expression (individual) -- Kyle pushes me in adventure and exploring and creative expression (co-operative). They both push me in openness but in different ways -- Hannah pushes me with questions that help me find hidden areas of myself, and Kyle pushes me with simply living an example of unedited openness (which is the most beautiful thing I can imagine). Not to say that those are totally discrete categories, 'cause I certainly learn all those things from both of them, but those are the ways they lean.

And right now, even with all the fruitfulness of my life (and I feel it is really flourishing), whenever I am not interacting with Kyle I feel like I am waiting for the next interaction. That feels like the greatest 'work' of my life at the moment, ( !!! )

One thing Maggie mentioned about the way Kyle and I interact is that we do things just "in tune" with each other -- if we're cleaning or cooking or just setting something up, we don't bump into each other or have to discuss much, we just act in tandem. I consider this a function of our spirit connection 'cause I've experienced it with everyone else I have spirit connections with; it's just stronger with Kyle and extends past conscious projects to spiritual senses about things. And that? I can't explain directly but I think I can explain sideways by saying that I feel we could share an altar. (which is a new and profound realization)

And I've learned that making personal taboos is not a way I want to try to keep myself on track. I developed a taboo against "being untrue" and instead of helping me be true, it made me afraid to change or explore things that were on the edges of me-ness, because if I accidentally did something that wasn't true to me, that would not be okay. I started realizing this a long time ago when I decided that being a little bit of a hypocrite was important to me, but I didn't realize just how important that is. I've decided that accepting/celebrating imperfection (and calling it hypocrisy to take the sting out of that word) is important to me and something that I will add to my list of core values to make them unabsolute.

There are just no words for how much relief and joy I feel at having Kyle back. Y'all who knew me when Hannah or Aurilion came to visit know how excited I was picking them up at the airport after not seeing them for 3 months (Aurilion) or a YEAR (Hannah) and I was nearly that excited about seeing Kyle after NINE DAYS apart. And I think we talked (mostly on gtalk) for at least three hours every day except for Friday and Saturday... but I crave Kyle's touch all the time, and I crave touching zir, and I crave eye contact and exploring new things with our bodies and energybodies. I now understand why Hannah missed Nick even when ze was with me (which I found upsetting at the time because I was like, "but it's US! how can you miss someone else when filled with THIS magic?") -- and find it flattering that it took a while for the missing to start. I've never lived with someone who was both WIDE FUCKING OPEN and deeply connected on multiple levels before -- I had a little taste of it when I lived at Serendipity and everyone was actively practicing openness, but it's different when it's already habit. I don't think I ever wrote about how Kyle and I connect energetically and I still don't think I'm ready to write about it but it's really insanely intense -- we're even more alike than Hannah and I. And I think it's funny that people probably don't see us as alike (especially because when I'm around Kyle I'm often so enchanted with watching zir interact with people that I'm much quieter than usual) but we are. We just developed opposite coping mechanisms, heh. Kyle and I fit together like Hannah and I but ze inspires me in different ways. Hannah pushes me in compassion and knowledge and creative expression (individual) -- Kyle pushes me in adventure and exploring and creative expression (co-operative). They both push me in openness but in different ways -- Hannah pushes me with questions that help me find hidden areas of myself, and Kyle pushes me with simply living an example of unedited openness (which is the most beautiful thing I can imagine). Not to say that those are totally discrete categories, 'cause I certainly learn all those things from both of them, but those are the ways they lean.

And right now, even with all the fruitfulness of my life (and I feel it is really flourishing), whenever I am not interacting with Kyle I feel like I am waiting for the next interaction. That feels like the greatest 'work' of my life at the moment, ( !!! )

One thing Maggie mentioned about the way Kyle and I interact is that we do things just "in tune" with each other -- if we're cleaning or cooking or just setting something up, we don't bump into each other or have to discuss much, we just act in tandem. I consider this a function of our spirit connection 'cause I've experienced it with everyone else I have spirit connections with; it's just stronger with Kyle and extends past conscious projects to spiritual senses about things. And that? I can't explain directly but I think I can explain sideways by saying that I feel we could share an altar. (which is a new and profound realization)

And I've learned that making personal taboos is not a way I want to try to keep myself on track. I developed a taboo against "being untrue" and instead of helping me be true, it made me afraid to change or explore things that were on the edges of me-ness, because if I accidentally did something that wasn't true to me, that would not be okay. I started realizing this a long time ago when I decided that being a little bit of a hypocrite was important to me, but I didn't realize just how important that is. I've decided that accepting/celebrating imperfection (and calling it hypocrisy to take the sting out of that word) is important to me and something that I will add to my list of core values to make them unabsolute.

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )

I know I haven't written in ages upon ages -- there has been just SO MUCH happening I've not even had the time to check my email. And I JUST realized that it's been an entire MONTH. I thought it had been two weeks because my life has practically been on fast-forward. I've been sick for the past three weeks or so, I think mainly because of the pace of life. It seems to be settling some now and hopefully that means I'll recover.

So, I moved in at Serendipity on the 18th and I've started working in exchange for room and board (mainly helping to fix up their old house so it can be rented out). I'm nervous about it because having business arrangements with people I care about has mostly led to broken relationships. But I do have the one example of that NOT happening (the Wynnes) and this feels more like that than the others did, so I'm hopeful that this will turn out to be mutually beneficial and not slanted one way or the other. It helps that they have experience with this sort of arrangement.

I want to write about the incredible beauty of love and change but words are so damn pale and my heart spends itself all day long in the unspoken poetry of kissing and biting and caressing and hugging and eye contact, and yes words but they're not the kind that drip glitter and petals -- they're the kind that build glorious-but-sharp castles out of shared pain and joy, desire and wonder, fear and hope. They're salted with tears and spiced with blood. Everything is so complex and blended. I live in constant sharing -- what are you thinking? what are you feeling? with almost never a serious refusal/absence of answer (Arizona WILL answer "nothing" when ze wants to tease, which is pretty much whenever the answer involves desire :-p). I've yearned for that for so long, so long. Daily communication, especially the sharing of emotional reactions, is so important to me. You know how my yearly Hannah-visits were such a source of joy and growth for me? this is like that, only with more people and for a longer time (I'm soooo yearning to have Hannah and Nick come meet everyone, oh so much).

And I've not written about Kyle really at all yet!

We're about 6 weeks into this unexpected ebullient mutual orbit (we'd seen each other maybe three times and never had a real conversation before the spontaneous hang-out which ended in kisses and my heart flinging itself at zir and three days later love-confessions). Kyle is... incredible. Kyle has what I think of as a tumbleweed spirit* -- ze has wandering feet and a passionate love for chaos (whether fortuitous or no). Holding zir hand and walking is an invitation to adventure; I'm so thrilled to have found a wildchild who wants to share life with me (for my heart is a child that stumbles lonely for the arms of the wild). We are strays and if you feed us we'll keep coming back but close the door behind us and we panic. We've been smiled upon by the Deity I've yet to speak of here. I know that ze is one I can nestle under trestles with and one I can make the most ridiculous 'mistakes' with and one who also sees that beauty in the dark and the dirty and the broken. And ze's a bard, and I mean that in the truest and most sacred way. Ze wears zir violin nearly everywhere and offers gifts of living song to anyone who shows an openness to receive -- and sometimes just to Music, and every now and then to Love. And oh, I've never met anyone so clearly and constantly open, seemingly down to core. The amount of bravery in that absolutely breaks my heart (in that way that only the most intense beauty can). How ze came to practice openness/honesty so constantly without any encouragement I cannot even understand but I am so grateful.


*edited after I learned that "gypsy" is a racial slur.

I know I haven't written in ages upon ages -- there has been just SO MUCH happening I've not even had the time to check my email. And I JUST realized that it's been an entire MONTH. I thought it had been two weeks because my life has practically been on fast-forward. I've been sick for the past three weeks or so, I think mainly because of the pace of life. It seems to be settling some now and hopefully that means I'll recover.

So, I moved in at Serendipity on the 18th and I've started working in exchange for room and board (mainly helping to fix up their old house so it can be rented out). I'm nervous about it because having business arrangements with people I care about has mostly led to broken relationships. But I do have the one example of that NOT happening (the Wynnes) and this feels more like that than the others did, so I'm hopeful that this will turn out to be mutually beneficial and not slanted one way or the other. It helps that they have experience with this sort of arrangement.

I want to write about the incredible beauty of love and change but words are so damn pale and my heart spends itself all day long in the unspoken poetry of kissing and biting and caressing and hugging and eye contact, and yes words but they're not the kind that drip glitter and petals -- they're the kind that build glorious-but-sharp castles out of shared pain and joy, desire and wonder, fear and hope. They're salted with tears and spiced with blood. Everything is so complex and blended. I live in constant sharing -- what are you thinking? what are you feeling? with almost never a serious refusal/absence of answer (Arizona WILL answer "nothing" when ze wants to tease, which is pretty much whenever the answer involves desire :-p). I've yearned for that for so long, so long. Daily communication, especially the sharing of emotional reactions, is so important to me. You know how my yearly Hannah-visits were such a source of joy and growth for me? this is like that, only with more people and for a longer time (I'm soooo yearning to have Hannah and Nick come meet everyone, oh so much).

And I've not written about Kyle really at all yet! ( remedying that! )

A long time ago I was mapping out connections with various friends, and Ash felt a bit hurt that I didn't see any connection at all between us. But like I said then, connections are about similarities, and Ash and I have NO SIMILARITIES. (ze used to think we did but now agrees that we don't!) It's odd because we live our lives in somewhat similar ways -- we're both queer and pagan and poly and open/honest -- but while what we DO might be similar on the surface, we're so different in our whys and hows. Pretty much opposite, most of the time. And considering that Ash and I have inverted signs (I'm sun-Aquarius moon-Sagittarius, and ze's sun-Sagittarius moon-Aquarius) and are such total opposites, I'm a BIT more inclined to consider the zodiac relevant!

It's been a WILD ride, being flatmates with Ash. For a while through January and February I feared that our friendship would not survive living together. ( we fought dreadfully )

Now that we've gotten past that string of miscommunications, the energy between us has sweetened again. We're really too different to be partners, but I think that if Ash had a primary other (and I had others) and we didn't live together, we could be lovers and it would be amazing. I kinda expect that to happen somewhere down the line and I'm looking forward to it. For now I feel like our friendship is really strengthening now that we have FINALLY learned not to assume we understand the other even if it seems PAINFULLY obvious. Ash is a really lovely person and I'm so happy to have zir in my life. ♥



( some portraits I took while ze painted zir self-portrait/spirituality wall & two from Elizebeth's henna photoshoot! )

A long time ago I was mapping out connections with various friends, and Ash felt a bit hurt that I didn't see any connection at all between us. But like I said then, connections are about similarities, and Ash and I have NO SIMILARITIES. (ze used to think we did but now agrees that we don't!) It's odd because we live our lives in somewhat similar ways -- we're both queer and pagan and poly and open/honest -- but while what we DO might be similar on the surface, we're so different in our whys and hows. Pretty much opposite, most of the time. And considering that Ash and I have inverted signs (I'm sun-Aquarius moon-Sagittarius, and ze's sun-Sagittarius moon-Aquarius) and are such total opposites, I'm a BIT more inclined to consider the zodiac relevant!

It's been a WILD ride, being flatmates with Ash. For a while through January and February I feared that our friendship would not survive living together. ( we fought dreadfully )

Now that we've gotten past that string of miscommunications, the energy between us has sweetened again. We're really too different to be partners, but I think that if Ash had a primary other (and I had others) and we didn't live together, we could be lovers and it would be amazing. I kinda expect that to happen somewhere down the line and I'm looking forward to it. For now I feel like our friendship is really strengthening now that we have FINALLY learned not to assume we understand the other even if it seems PAINFULLY obvious. Ash is a really lovely person and I'm so happy to have zir in my life. ♥



( some portraits I took while ze painted zir self-portrait/spirituality wall & two from Elizebeth's henna photoshoot! )

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )