So, for the past few years, I've spent a good chunk of summer in high-speed growth -- when Hannah visited or when I visited Hannah. This year that wasn't to be, and I wondered what it would be like to have a summer unmarked by such a time; I still won't know, because these past few weeks have been just as high-speed. I've been running headlong and just barely pulling my feet up fast enough not to fall on my face.

There's just so much that has happened that I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll try and put things in order and then go back and explain bits: ( boring list, just for my own reference )

So, first of all, I'm used to going out three or MAYBE four times a week. I'm pretty much 50/50 introvert/extrovert, and I need my alone time as much as I need my time with others. ( ... )

Also, looking back over this, a lot of the things I've done would have absolutely TERRIFIED the me of three months ago. I'm kinda amazed at myself. I fucking DANCED IN PUBLIC (which I've done before, but not WITH someone, which is a lot scarier to me). I got drunk! I went to a leather bar! I drove in Atlanta quite a few times! I hung out with people who seem intimidatingly cool, and (mostly) wasn't intimidated (heh). I know these things are probably not scary to most people but they certainly were to me. I think there is something behind that (besides the whole recovering-from-social-anxiety thing) -- they're things that I've always thought of as stuff that the 'cool' people do (referring to social status) and I expect rejection because I'm not one of that group. And I stress myself out because I feel like I have to pretend to be something that I'm not. But I think when I'm with Viv it's easier, because ze doesn't ever pretend, ze just is, so I feel like I have permission to be my uncool self even in a 'cool' setting. I kinda hope that the day comes where I am comfortable enough to be publicly uncool all by myself. I'm not there yet but I feel like this is movement towards it, because I'm losing my fear of people-I-admire. (I've never cared about the opinion of most people, but if I admire someone a lot I get painfully self-conscious and sometimes even self-loathing if I can't tell what they think of me)

And you know, I think that I've had these taboos against doing things which I labeled as 'cool.' Some people won't leave the house without being smartly dressed and groomed because to do so would be a violation of their self-image as a person who is always put-together. I've felt that way about doing things like going to clubs/bars/parties and/or drinking because my self-image is a person who Does Not Fit in those places and also Does Not Act Stupid. And I think it's fine to avoid those things if I genuinely don't enjoy them, but to avoid them out of a taboo is limiting. And I do enjoy them, to an extent. When I got drunk, I felt stupid but I also felt expansive and connected. I can feel those things without drinking, of course, but it's interesting to feel them among others who maybe don't have another way of feeling expansive and connected. I think that was what I enjoyed most about the experience, actually -- the sort of breaking down of boundaries among strangers, which I've only felt before at Christian festivals/retreats. I hadn't imagined that there could be something transcendent about getting a little drunk and dancing with strangers, but it felt that way to me, somewhat. It was lovely to feel openness and connectedness among people whom I'd usually feel vast worlds apart from.

( two affirming experiences in one night! )

( Other Lives & Bat For Lashes in concert )

I still have a lot to write about -- developments in my relationships with Viv, lil sis, Ash, B, and eviltwin, but since that will probably be as long as what I've already written I'll break it into another post.

So, for the past few years, I've spent a good chunk of summer in high-speed growth -- when Hannah visited or when I visited Hannah. This year that wasn't to be, and I wondered what it would be like to have a summer unmarked by such a time; I still won't know, because these past few weeks have been just as high-speed. I've been running headlong and just barely pulling my feet up fast enough not to fall on my face.

There's just so much that has happened that I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll try and put things in order and then go back and explain bits: ( boring list, just for my own reference )

So, first of all, I'm used to going out three or MAYBE four times a week. I'm pretty much 50/50 introvert/extrovert, and I need my alone time as much as I need my time with others. ( ... )

Also, looking back over this, a lot of the things I've done would have absolutely TERRIFIED the me of three months ago. I'm kinda amazed at myself. I fucking DANCED IN PUBLIC (which I've done before, but not WITH someone, which is a lot scarier to me). I got drunk! I went to a leather bar! I drove in Atlanta quite a few times! I hung out with people who seem intimidatingly cool, and (mostly) wasn't intimidated (heh). I know these things are probably not scary to most people but they certainly were to me. I think there is something behind that (besides the whole recovering-from-social-anxiety thing) -- they're things that I've always thought of as stuff that the 'cool' people do (referring to social status) and I expect rejection because I'm not one of that group. And I stress myself out because I feel like I have to pretend to be something that I'm not. But I think when I'm with Viv it's easier, because ze doesn't ever pretend, ze just is, so I feel like I have permission to be my uncool self even in a 'cool' setting. I kinda hope that the day comes where I am comfortable enough to be publicly uncool all by myself. I'm not there yet but I feel like this is movement towards it, because I'm losing my fear of people-I-admire. (I've never cared about the opinion of most people, but if I admire someone a lot I get painfully self-conscious and sometimes even self-loathing if I can't tell what they think of me)

And you know, I think that I've had these taboos against doing things which I labeled as 'cool.' Some people won't leave the house without being smartly dressed and groomed because to do so would be a violation of their self-image as a person who is always put-together. I've felt that way about doing things like going to clubs/bars/parties and/or drinking because my self-image is a person who Does Not Fit in those places and also Does Not Act Stupid. And I think it's fine to avoid those things if I genuinely don't enjoy them, but to avoid them out of a taboo is limiting. And I do enjoy them, to an extent. When I got drunk, I felt stupid but I also felt expansive and connected. I can feel those things without drinking, of course, but it's interesting to feel them among others who maybe don't have another way of feeling expansive and connected. I think that was what I enjoyed most about the experience, actually -- the sort of breaking down of boundaries among strangers, which I've only felt before at Christian festivals/retreats. I hadn't imagined that there could be something transcendent about getting a little drunk and dancing with strangers, but it felt that way to me, somewhat. It was lovely to feel openness and connectedness among people whom I'd usually feel vast worlds apart from.

( two affirming experiences in one night! )

( Other Lives & Bat For Lashes in concert )

I still have a lot to write about -- developments in my relationships with Viv, lil sis, Ash, B, and eviltwin, but since that will probably be as long as what I've already written I'll break it into another post.

The first reaction to my bumper stickers was weird at best, but since then I've had two awesome reactions! One was to the same set in that first post, and the other was to the current set (new pics below).

I was driving in stop-and-go traffic in Atlanta listening to music loud with the windows down, and a 50+year-old person (I'm bad at ages, but ze had silver hair) on a motorcycle came up level with me for a second and called out, "thank you! [something I couldn't hear]" and then the traffic separated us. I turned my music down and waited until we were level again and called out, "What did you say?" and ze said "Yes we can!" We grinned at each other and then got separated by traffic again. It was so awesome! I loved it especially because ze was male (at least in appearance -- long beard), and part of me still expects all 30+ male people to be like "feminists are man-haters! down with them!" so it broke down a bit of that stereotype for me. :D Now I expect all bikers to be awesome feminists (haha).

The third one was more brief but also awesome -- someone pulled up beside me, rolled down the window, and said, "I love your stickers!" :D That one was especially cool because it was in my small city (which is notably traditionalist, and the same place that the first encounter happened).

( new bumper & window sticker photos! )

The first reaction to my bumper stickers was weird at best, but since then I've had two awesome reactions! One was to the same set in that first post, and the other was to the current set (new pics below).

I was driving in stop-and-go traffic in Atlanta listening to music loud with the windows down, and a 50+year-old person (I'm bad at ages, but ze had silver hair) on a motorcycle came up level with me for a second and called out, "thank you! [something I couldn't hear]" and then the traffic separated us. I turned my music down and waited until we were level again and called out, "What did you say?" and ze said "Yes we can!" We grinned at each other and then got separated by traffic again. It was so awesome! I loved it especially because ze was male (at least in appearance -- long beard), and part of me still expects all 30+ male people to be like "feminists are man-haters! down with them!" so it broke down a bit of that stereotype for me. :D Now I expect all bikers to be awesome feminists (haha).

The third one was more brief but also awesome -- someone pulled up beside me, rolled down the window, and said, "I love your stickers!" :D That one was especially cool because it was in my small city (which is notably traditionalist, and the same place that the first encounter happened).

( new bumper & window sticker photos! )

I had my first experience with a ... sleazy females-are-consumables gay-voyeur today. I was driving along with windows down (as I prefer unless it is freezing cold) in my car with the ( awesome bumper stickers: ) and some patriarchy-cloned male person pulled up next to me and this conversation ensued:

RD: random dude (I'm using the term 'dude' in the sense that this person is a specific kind of person -- the kind who follows the training of masculinity, thus seeing female people as objects designed for use by males)
me: obviously

RD: "hey, are you gay?" (I think ze just saw rainbows and thought, "GAY")
me: "... not exactly." (thinking, "what a stupidly bi-ignorant question -- how do I respond to that??? 'No' isn't true but neither is 'yes'!")
RD: "You're hot."
me: "uhhhh........thank you..?" with a scrunched brow and a headshake (thinking, "dammit, why can't I think of an appropriate comeback?")
RD: "if you are gay, would you hook up with me?"
me: "No!" (relieved to have an easy answer and also WTF, does ze not know what gay MEANS?)
RD: "why not?"
me: "because 'you're hot' is not a line that really works for me."
RD: *starts to say something else*
the light: *finally turns green*
me: *drives away*

( aaaaand the right responses )

I had my first experience with a ... sleazy females-are-consumables gay-voyeur today. I was driving along with windows down (as I prefer unless it is freezing cold) in my car with the ( awesome bumper stickers: ) and some patriarchy-cloned male person pulled up next to me and this conversation ensued:

RD: random dude (I'm using the term 'dude' in the sense that this person is a specific kind of person -- the kind who follows the training of masculinity, thus seeing female people as objects designed for use by males)
me: obviously

RD: "hey, are you gay?" (I think ze just saw rainbows and thought, "GAY")
me: "... not exactly." (thinking, "what a stupidly bi-ignorant question -- how do I respond to that??? 'No' isn't true but neither is 'yes'!")
RD: "You're hot."
me: "uhhhh........thank you..?" with a scrunched brow and a headshake (thinking, "dammit, why can't I think of an appropriate comeback?")
RD: "if you are gay, would you hook up with me?"
me: "No!" (relieved to have an easy answer and also WTF, does ze not know what gay MEANS?)
RD: "why not?"
me: "because 'you're hot' is not a line that really works for me."
RD: *starts to say something else*
the light: *finally turns green*
me: *drives away*

( aaaaand the right responses )

I had my first experience with a ... sleazy females-are-consumables gay-voyeur today. I was driving along with windows down (as I prefer unless it is freezing cold) in my car with the ( awesome bumper stickers: ) and some patriarchy-cloned male person pulled up next to me and this conversation ensued:

RD: random dude (I'm using the term 'dude' in the sense that this person is a specific kind of person -- the kind who follows the training of masculinity, thus seeing female people as objects designed for use by males)
me: obviously

RD: "hey, are you gay?" (I think ze just saw rainbows and thought, "GAY")
me: "... not exactly." (thinking, "what a stupidly bi-ignorant question -- how do I respond to that??? 'No' isn't true but neither is 'yes'!")
RD: "You're hot."
me: "uhhhh........thank you..?" with a scrunched brow and a headshake (thinking, "dammit, why can't I think of an appropriate comeback?")
RD: "if you are gay, would you hook up with me?"
me: "No!" (relieved to have an easy answer and also WTF, does ze not know what gay MEANS?)
RD: "why not?"
me: "because 'you're hot' is not a line that really works for me."
RD: *starts to say something else*
the light: *finally turns green*
me: *drives away*

( aaaaand the right responses )