2015

"Shriek"

An abstract fractal in christmas green, coral orange, and bright rose red with accents of fuchsia, peach, and capri blue on a black background. At the top in the center is what looks like a snarling cat or hissing cobra, in profile facing left. Just underneath is another could-be face, this one like a dog, facing right and sniffing the 'air' of colored light, which you can see swirling into the dog's nose. In front of the dog's face is a bowing-out bubble of swirling blurry colors. Above that bubble behind the cat/cobra's head is a fragmented reflection that could be of the cat/cobra or the dog or both. In front of the cat/cobra's face is a misshapen cone of green light, with some flecks of other colors: it looks as if the cat/cobra is exhaling this and it is pouring down over the back of the dog's head. Neither creature has a body.

---



January
1-4 -- visiting biofam: racism, discussing sexual abuse history, misgendering, prompting family to grow
2 -- visiting Anika: having deep talks w Anika & energy work
* Unethical behavior: loopholes out of agreements, poking people's sore spots *
4 -- ritual for Nuit and Renenutet, Topaz keeps me company
7 -- I make a friending meme
-- trying to develop closeness with Anika
11 -- have a somewhat-disastrous crafty party where a new attendee says things that are very problematic and hurtful to Allison
17 -- I decide to require require gender-neutral pronouns in reference to me
18 -- ritual with LilyWolf for connections
24 -- met up with Cass and had our first meaningful one-on-one conversation
* 5-step educate or eliminate / when I realize I'm wrong / reducing privilege effects *
-- hung out with Heather at least once a week

February
2 -- Kei-won-tia has a major crisis, I find out through Abby, try to get in touch w KWT but can't.
4 -- meet Jezza for one-on-one conversation
6 -- have a great birthday night with Topaz, Kylei, Sydney, Heather, and Lilywolf; Allison, Nick, and Hannah drop in. I set up a photo-booth of sorts with weird colorful lighting and take some photos of people.
7 -- went to Heritage Park with Sydney & Topaz
9 -- met Kayla for dinner and conversation
* forms of intimacy and societal assumptions made: there is no highest form of intimacy *
11 -- my grandmother is in the hospital; I see my aunt and cousins for the first time in years
12 -- have intense conversation w Anika and Kei-won-tia about openness and intimacy and assumptions
* overwhelmed and ineffectual / cowardly and shit at making friends *
14 -- I get up in front of a huge number of people and speak a short poem about trans erasure.
** the intersection of openness, intimacy, and privacy as it relates to me **
20-24 -- Topaz and I go to the last Xenacon, which is worth it but emotionally very difficult because I can't bring myself to talk to anyone and I'm allergic to the air.
27 -- Heather casts runes for me on my next romantic relationship: I get 'wait wait wait'
28 -- art swap at Jezza's: my sorta-kinda first show of my fractals.
-- conflict with Kei-won-tia continues throughout the month, ends in them telling me they need to be able to lie to their friends.

March
7 -- I experience my first kirtan, with Heather.
* helping people figure out their desires without taking responsibility for their self-awareness *
11 -- march for Anthony Hill (with Jaime & Lilywolf)
13 -- meet Lisa in person for the first time! we hang out for the day.
15 -- mostly-online crafty party with Topaz, Jaime, Paige, Heather, Leah, Anika, Jezza, and Lilywolf.
** what nourishes me in friendship: self-care/growth/awareness, shared passion/enthusiasm, creating together, spiritual working together, asking me meaningful specific questions, cuddles/focused touch, gifts of effort **
28 -- Anika visits, Topaz and I take them to the Cherry Blossom Festival
** PSA: use of ableist slurs will cause me to unfriend you **
31 -- I pick up Anika from KWT's and take them to Big Trees and to my favorite metaphysical shop

April
2 -- do magic ritual with Anika, Topaz picks us up after
3 -- drinking and playing red dragon inn w Anika, Heather, Topaz, Kylei.
4-5 -- KWT is supposed to spend time w Anika but doesn't... lots of complex shit between Anika and KWT. KWT is supposed to take them to the airport but I do it instead.
9 -- crafty party: Lily & Fey & Alisha in-person, Anika & Paige & Allison online
** slurs are still very harmful when they are aimed at a situation/action/thing instead of a person **
** emotional/artistic work is still work / types of cuddles: giving, receiving, sharing, passive **
** essential qualities to be a good cuddler: good at consent, emotionally present & aware, not in need **
-- school stress
-- made a set of reflection beads
-- applied to be a professional cuddler: they wanted to exploit their workers, no thanks.

May
-- exhausted
4 -- sweet nourishing time w Kylei
* my eating habits: what I don't eat at all, what I generally avoid, favorite meals & ingredients *
* realization: I need group intimacy as well as one-on-one *
13 -- meet Rachel in Atlanta for lunch
15 -- sleepover w Odd Squad and truth-or-truth w Nicky & Aubrey via ghangouts
17 -- first zikr w Kaleemi Khanqah Atlanta
20 -- start work at my uni
* 4 levels of friendship: fun, support, learning, mutual accountability *
26 -- truth-or-truth gchat w Aubrey, Vola, Elizabeth, Jaime
** on the 'rudeness' of canceling/lateness caused by chronic pain/fatigue/anxiety/depression and/or ADD **
** energy work: 1st efforts, shielding / a funnel not a source / avoiding manipulation **

June
-- stressssssss
1 -- TransParence gather at my house: Jaime, Jazz, Jude, Hope, Serah, Allison, Michelle
4-10 -- Elizabeth visits! we do alllllll the things
5 -- shopping & Kirtan at SEWA w Elizabeth
6 -- Etowah Mounds w Elizabeth & Jaime, then chill game night w Elizabeth, Heather, Jaime, Topaz, Allison, Jonathan
7 -- Big Trees w Elizabeth & Topaz, then Cracker Barrel for dinner & Breakfast on Pluto with dessert.
8 -- to Margaret Mitchell house and Marietta square with Elizabeth.
9 -- to carlos museum then revolution doughnuts with Elizabeth, then Topaz makes us dinner.
10 -- take Elizabeth to airport.
13 -- intense videochat w Anika about the lack of balanced investment in our relationship
-- scattered ???
** why I identify as demisexual / what makes sex worth the effort / sexual vs sensual touch / kissing **

July
-- very stressed, can't seem to do much
-- Heather is out of town the whole month
12 -- host cuddly communion #1 w Serah, Alison, Hope, Evelyn, Cass, Heather D, and Joey.
-- elsewise, nothing but work & rest & topaz & writing
** rant: friendships are important / my levels of relationship for everyone **
* what makes me fall in love & how it feels when I am in love *
*** on saving kids from 'broken hearts' & teaching kids about consent / red flags for bad-at-consent ***
* on changing the amount of fat on your body: cortisol, blood sugar, stress, food as fat/carb/protein *
** 4 elements needed for me to feel sexual attraction: consent, bodily respect, awareness, generosity **
* depression is not a cramp, it's a broken bone: a 'mild' situation has intense effects when depressed *

August
* Open letter to self-proclaimed reasonable white dudes *
13 -- see Arizona, we have very connected time
16 -- host an OPALS meeting which is just me and Johan, also have an amazing talk w Evelyn at Cool Beans
20 -- emotionally falling apart
* too many variations to out myself in a sentence / wordweaving & thought remodeling are central to me *
23-29 -- time at the beach w biofam
30 -- OPALS meeting w me, Saleena, Alison, and Serah

September
-- dealing with name change paperwork, lots of trips to courthouse and notary
-- exhausted and overwhelmed, lonely
-- topaz' family has health troubles
-- run out of hope for being close friends with Evelyn
* lonely in any crowd / spirit-to-spirit contact / conflict is a tool of intimacy *
23 -- feeling terribly unwanted
27 -- OPALS meeting w just me & Garnet
-- make chant booklet for my reflection beads

October
1 -- worst I felt in a year, unwanted, useless
15 -- present about appropriation at Sex Down South, no energy to go the other days
* how I manage my neuro-atypicality in relation to others *
31 -- walked Springer Mountain w Topaz, then had a bonfire at their place w Topaz, Heather, Brian, Cass, Kelsey, and Elliott
-- spending more time w Topaz' family
-- reading The History of White People

November
** an analogy to explain why the privileged are responsible for ending oppression: the racist babysitter **
*** after learning more about microbes, I no longer believe in an afterlife ***
** people demonize spanking because of classism / how corporeal punishment damaged me **
** trust: what builds it and what burns it, for me **
* the art of hugs *
** if you mourn only for the deaths of white people, your empathy is broken. and racist. **
16 -- cry for hours
17 -- see bell hooks & gloria stienem
19-22 TBC w Topaz
27 -- name change denied
-- investing more in getting to know Cass

December
-- loads of work on final papers, getting minors made official, getting my name sorted
* 5 qualities needed to practice polyamory: awareness, norm-breaking, security, energy, connection *
6 -- great connected time w Cass
15 -- graduation
** my ADD-PI: stimming and prosopagnosia (difficulty recognising faces) **
* creating your own moral code: a ritual for finding your core values & strengthening focus on them *
* ritual tool: reflection beads for my core values, desires, gratitudes, people, deities, & nature kin *
19 -- Solstice gather! Kat, Summer, Abby, Topaz, Kylei, Heather, Sydney, Jaime, Allison, & Jonathan came and Cass vidchatted in due to being sick
22 -- Arizona visited with me for a little while at my house
23 -- breakup w Anika
24 -- Gabe reveals their transphobia
25 -- Xmas at Topaz' family, exhausting, realize how much worse my family is
26 -- time w Abby in the morning, walking in nature and then cuddling at my house, then intense time w Abby & Topaz at Topaz'
27 -- breakfast, coffee, cuddles w Topaz & Abby
28 -- terrible crash of a morning, bad for Abby, bad for me, bad for Topaz. endless crying.
29 -- awful day, more endless crying. reach out to Allison for the first time, feel glad that that feels okay to do.
** prosopagnosia and memory as it relates to taking photos and believing in love **
30 -- recovering some
31 -- connected time w topaz



2015 started off in an intense but growthful way for me, as I had my first ever real conversation with my biosib S, visited Anika and had deep talks with them. I also did a ritual for deities (something I had never done before), and another ritual for connection, connected in new ways with Allison and Cass, and spent a lot of time with Heather. Then Kei-won-tia had a major crisis and I was very worried about them but didn't really get to talk to them until two weeks later. They got very upset with me for talking about my worries to Heather, and there was a whole huge mess which finally ended when they said that they need to be able to lie to their friends. During the same month as the KWT conflict, I had a bunch of other really intense experiences -- Xenacon, my first art show (sorta), speaking about trans erasure in front of loads of people, gma in hospital, interacting with family I hadn't seen in years.

March was more nourishing and less draining, with my first kirtan, my first protest march, and my first time taking Anika to Big Trees. April turned sour with a huge conflict between KWT and Anika, and otherwise intense school stress. In May I had some good connected time with friends and experienced my first zikr, but overall I was exhausted. Lilywolf moved out which was sad and relieving and stressful, and I started working at my university as a student assistant. June started out with a bang, a trans-connection party followed by a wonderful visit from Elizabeth (which included my first visit to a Sikh service), and then became scattered and lost under stress, mostly shared/reflected stress from how awful Topaz' job is, I think. In July I hosted a 'cuddly communion' which was wonderful but otherwise that entire month was empty of nourishment. In August I had some connected times with friends, and spent 6 days with my biofamily which is both good and exhausting; August marked the first of monthly breakdowns, though I don't notice this pattern until later. In September Topaz' family started having health troubles, and I dealt with the laborious process of applying to change my name.

October I felt the worst I have felt in a year, managed to present at Sex Down South but felt so socially anxious I couldn't talk to anyone and couldn't participate in the conference; I went home crying. I started spending more time with Topaz' family (which is nourishing in some ways but a lot of added stress) because they all seemed to be feeling the need for more company with each other due to the health worries. I started actively building a friendship with Cass around this time. In November I was massively stressed and overwhelmed, but seeing bell hooks and getting to attend TBC gave me enough energy that I was able to give three talks and speak on a panel, and handle some very difficult emotional conversations and realizations with Topaz. But November ended with me finding out that my name change was denied, which is massively crushing. December started with me finishing my 2 huge final papers and giving a presentation for school, doing a shitton of paperwork and hoop-jumping to get my minors made official and my name read correctly at the ceremony, then finally graduating (where my biofamily mostly flaked out and I realized that my dad was planning for a graduation present for my cousin but didn't even congratulate me). I only had three days to recover before Solstice, which was the best ever though hugely energy-consuming. Then I had an intense conflict with Cass, then Arizona visited me briefly which made me miss them a lot, then Anika broke up our friendship by attacking me, then Gabe (my emotionally-adopted little brother) revealed that they're transphobic by choice not by ignorance, then I spent Xmas with Topaz' family which made me realize how bad my biofamily is, then I spent an intense morning with Abby and an intense evening with Abby and Topaz, and finally I had a massive terrible crash that negatively affected both Abby and Topaz and lasted almost through the end of the year. Honestly, reading over December I'm amazed that I made it through without falling apart much more. That was so much, way too much.

Looking back over this, I feel like losing KWT set off a sharp increase in my social anxiety because when we initially became friends, it was built on mutually valuing intimacy and openness -- I actually felt that KWT was better at being open than I was, that they were more willing to take risks in sharing. To have them do such a complete turnaround and say that they value lies in friendship and they want to control who knows what about them was so shocking and confusing that it made me feel like I can't know people, I can't believe them, and I can't find ones that I can genuinely connect with. A similar thing happened with Anika -- I can’t explain because it would be a breach of their privacy but even though it wasn’t the same on the surface, it felt very VERY similar. That followed by the OPALS meetings falling by the wayside and getting very hopeful about a new friend only to have that vanish -- by the time I got through September I was feeling so deeply sad about friendships that despite my repressing, I was having at least one multi-hour crying jag a month about it.

So overall, 2015 brought me a huge increase in social anxiety although the relationships that I currently have are mostly at all-time highs and are overall very nourishing. I think I learned a lot through my black feminisms class in the spring, my internship, my whiteness class in the fall, and TBC, and I made a lot of progress in designing my spiritual practice, but I feel like my interpersonal life stalled out in most ways, and I lost myself as far as my social self goes. This year I will regain my social self.

It had been 2 years so it was way past time for an update. I didn't include all of the people from before but those are still available via tags *smiles*
If you're wondering what spirit-kin, heart-kin, soul-kin or mind-kin mean (or -twin, the stronger version), read this post.

If there is anyone I've mentioned often who is not included here, please remind me.

( all of the people! it's pretty long )

My tribe's Solstice celebration was this Saturday (since few could do a weekday) and it was amaaaaazing. Really, the best so far, so cozy and relaxed and lovely.

kmiotutsie (Kat) and their friend Summer arrived early, and even though they had just done a huge drive they offered to drive me as I ran a billion errands, and I got to catch up talking with them. I think Kat and I actually have a connection I hadn't realized before, a mind connection, because we finish each other's sentences and are rarely wrong. It's actually a relief to me because my ADD-PI often makes it hard to find the word.

We started by making a billion foods together - not a planned part of the gather but hardigrin (Heather) and I hadn't made our stuff yet oops. Kat and Sydney and Summer helped with all the chopping and washing and stuff - it was busy but surprisingly not stressful. We finished about the time that the rest of the people showed up - it was me, Topaz, Sydney, Kat, Summer, Heather, Kylei, rextrocular(Abby), jaime_blue (Jaime), Allison, and Jonathan.

Once we finished prep, we vidchatted Cass in (they were ill and couldn't attend) and then Topaz read us the story they wrote and illustrated about the Solstice Raccoon. It was unbelievably cute and everyone loved it and awwwwed at it! Then we had delicious food (Topaz made fruit cream tarts, Heather made roasted vegetables, Allison made rice & veggies & (separate) chicken, and I made my superfood dip) and opened presents!

I gave Heather a set of 3 cobalt blue stemmed glasses and a painting of a winter scene; Abby a large print of my "Gate to Tulgey Wood" framed and matted (I repurposed a frame & mat); Allison a mix CD of some of my favorite artists' songs that spoke to me about them; Topaz three pendants (a fox, a palm tree, and a microscope), a set of postcards that look like old fashioned flower seed packets, a tin with butterflies on it, tools for nail art, a tiny ceramic grey fox, and a hanayama metal puzzle (equa); Kylei four skirts (a twirly sleek pink one and three short colorful cotton ones) and a lamp with a base that looks like a country hill with buildings and plants and all; Jaime a canvas print of camellias with metal scroll work on top and bottom; and Sydney a sunflower light switch plate, a tiny metal teapot with butterflies on it, and a sun catcher made of meaningful stone beads and green glass. I also had a gift for Cass (a miniature Dali art print), but that had to wait of course.

Topaz gave me a plush Alice in Wonderland book (with the best quote on the back "I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then"), a cloudy-rainbow leopard print blanket, an 'adoption' of a snow leopard cub from the Snow Leopard Trust, a moisture-wicking pillowcase that they fabric-markered my favorite quotes on one side and drew my name and three favorite shapes (tree, teardrop, & 5-pointed star) on the other side, and (a few days ago) tickets to see Eddie Izzard! Heather gave me the softest spring green blanket (I cuddled it like a kitten), a bookmark of art from a social justice artist, and a dragonfly hook (which I am excited to use as my jacket-hanger). Allison gave me a 'rift' (part of an art project of theirs that represents portals into another world) which had inexplicably turned violet (which I found super magical) and the solstice card from last year which had the sweetest things written in it. Cass gave me a wire tree with jasper leaves and rocks in the bottom (that they had collected!) and a letter which was wonderfully thoughtful. Sydney painted me a little box and inside were mushrooms! made from acorns with the caps glued on the pointy end and painted with colors and spots -- so adorable. Abby gave me an incense burner that is a flat circle with a tree outline etched in it, four sticks of incense wood, and a roll of tie-dye duct tape. I felt very loved and understood by all these presents *heartglow* I also felt incredibly happy with several presents between other people. Topaz gave Abby a pillowcase which everyone wrote sweet love notes on so that they could have a physical object to be reminded of our love as they live far away. Heather gave Abby a shawl-loop (no idea what to call that) that was in just their colors. Topaz gave Allison an anti-migraine treat box full of safe candies with no dye or hfcs. Allison gave Topaz a tiny tin with 3D-looking space inside and a hand-painted Mars!

Over the course of the evening there were new cuddles that made me happy -- Topaz with Abby and Kylei with Sydney. I love getting to witness people growing closer. I played with Sydney's hair for a while and cuddled with Abby some but overall, the evening went by so very fast! I guess I was expecting it to start earlier or go later, but it was a lovely time anyhow. Abby got tired first and went off to bed and Jaime and Allison and Jonathan had to go home, and me, Kylei, Kat, Summer, Sydney, and Heather played a little truth-or-truth (Topaz was absorbed with their metal puzzle, which I wisely saved for the last present after previous years when the same thing happened). It didn't last very long because people got tired but it was good and connected.

This morning people got up much earlier than Topaz and I did, and shortly after we woke, Kat came and scratched and meowed at the door cutely and then a few minutes later Abby came and asked if they could come in. I left it up to Topaz as they are more timid than I am and they hemmed and hawed and muttered 'yesbutonlyoutside' and I translated that Abby could come cuddle with us but outside the covers, and so they did. I was in the middle and for most of the time they were laying on their sides facing me (Abby propped on an elbow) and I had my arms around each of them stroking their hair. It was so comfortable and happy and relaxed.

After we got up everyone gathered and wrote down what from the past year we wanted to get rid of. We gathered 'round my weird little metal vase outside and lit a fire in it and took turns burning our papers. Kylei wanted to go widdershins around the circle and have each person say something aloud, so we did. Kylei started it off with a poetic spell, and Topaz ended the circle with something like "fuck this!" It was perfect. At one point we started to hear a crackling noise and got pretty concerned, and it smelled bad -- Kat said the glaze was burning off. But it wasn't too bad and by the time everyone had put their paper in it had stopped. I'm gonna burn in it at least once before next time and I think after that there won't be anything terrible. I was worried that everyone would be bothered but I think I was the one most bothered (except maybe Topaz). I stayed out for a little bit after everyone went in, tossing in dead leaves and watching them burn, stirring to use up the rest of the coals.

Kat, Summer, Heather, and Abby left around noon and me and Sydney and Kylei and Topaz hung out. Topaz made us breakfast as they are wont to do, and we all just talked. We had some great cuddles -- Kylei, me, and Topaz sat on the couch and Sydney lounged across us and got hair pets from Kylei, back rubs from me, and calf massage from Topaz. After Sydney left, Topaz played Alice: Madness Returns while Kylei and I watched (so stressful, but so beautiful).

At one point I had a miscommunication with Heather and Cass via text that got me very upset, and Kylei and Topaz gave me pets and reassurance. I worked it out after that but at first I couldn't deal and just lay in bed and cried. I felt like my reaction was out of proportion, but I'm not sure why I had such a strong reaction. Usually I can figure it out... the closest I can get is maybe it hit that nerve of being left out of a family event? And I definitely have trauma around being left out of things that are important to me. I wasn't deliberately left out, but due to technical issues that was what I experienced.

Overall it was a beautiful evening but I think we need to start earlier next year and make sure that we do pre-Solstice introductions and meetings so that everyone at least knows four people who will be there. And figure out a way to speed up gift-giving because this year was too spread out -- I think maybe passing them all out at the beginning and then going in a rough circle with opening them would be better because the getting up and picking something and handing it to the person took up a lot of time (even though it was SO fun).

This year I did fortune cookies instead of the stone pull because I had not the money for stones *sadface* but that was pretty fun! They weren't as spot-on as the stones by a long shot but there was one or two that seemed very apropos.

( love memory bank )

Gonna try to get back in the habit!

Reflecting on my relationships this past week, I realized that I have been pouring a lot of energy out and not getting much back. This isn't a problem when I'm in a period of abundance, because I don't mind it in and of itself, but I'm still recovering from my 2012 suicidal depression, and last November/ December were hugely draining - so it's not something I can healthily do right now. So I have to figure out how to spend less energy and/or get more, hopefully without hurting feelings or sparking resentment. I feel a bit of a failure about this, because I was working so hard on reconnecting with people I love, and I feel sure that if I stop putting so much in, some of those connections will wither. But this is a pattern, and it's a bad one. I have to stop doing this. I need to be okay. I've been crying pretty much every day this week, and wanting to cut everyone out of my life. That's not a practical desire or something I would actually do, but it is an urge I get when I am not being nourished. It's a very bad sign.

( relationship updates )

Kylei and I attempted to make a plan for the first time since our big clash about lack of interactions, it failed but I decided to go to the park we'd made plans at anyway and it's on my list of favorites now. It was very well-wooded and though it is hilly, the switchbacks are gradual enough that I don't hate it for the incline. There was one spot that made me feel a sense of holiness. I can't wait to go back after the trees have put out leaves again.

I picked Abby up from the airport when they came into town and after we had dinner at my favorite restaurant and I petted their hair a bit they crashed out. The next day they ran errands with me (including an AWFUL stop at the incredibly crowded post office) and helped me talk with the new coffeeshop owner about putting up fractals for commission there. I felt cozy going around with them, though they were still frazzled from the day before and we spent a good bit of time in silence, especially while crafting (both finishing solstice gifts). Then Topaz and Abby and I all went to the grocery store, came back and had dinner together while watching a Xena, and I spent the night. The next morning we had breakfast and coffee together and then I went home to do all the preparation things (partially so they could have one-on-one time). When I came back I tidied Topaz' basement with Abby's help -- poor Abby was just wiped out, so we didn't hang out much.

Solstice was a giant bustle of activity, with me, Topaz, Abby, Anika, Matt, Suzu, Kei-Won-Tia, Christo, Kat and their friend Sause, Heather, Brian, Kylei, Allison & their person Jonathan, and Jaime. More people brought food than Topaz and I were expecting (Topaz made adorable delicious tiny sandwiches and got fruits and veggies and I made my superfood dip), so we actually ended up with more food than we needed. After most everyone arrived, we had ritual: a shared damiana shot (with damiana tea for the little one), writing down things to let go of and then burning them, a spiral hug, and then drawing stones from a bowl of water and water beads. I had brought a number of stones and written all the meanings in my book of magic, so after everyone drew a stone (without looking) I then told them what their stone meant. I was a bit disappointed at mine -- snowflake obsidian -- but then when I looked at the meaning I laughed out loud because it was so perfect. Anika chose the stone that I had gotten specifically thinking of them, and Kei-Won-Tia chose the stone that I had gotten specifically thinking of them, and Topaz chose the stone I had gotten thinking of them! I was pretty blown away by that, and pleased. I remember thinking that all of them were appropriate but I don't remember what the others got.

After ritual we started opening presents and it was WAYYYY too chaotic for me, I got very overwhelmed and almost had to leave the room, I just couldn't deal with all the things happening at once. Overall I learned that I need present opening to be more structured for me to enjoy it at all. Last year it was so much calmer just because everyone had been laying around cuddling I think, and only one person was walking around at a time. Next year I want to do Topaz' suggestion of having each person take turns giving out their gifts. I really like seeing people open my gifts and also present compersion -- watching Kylei open a gift from Heather, for instance. I hope everyone is okay with that, I think they would be but no one thought of it. Later we all had food and alcohol and played a little bit of truth or truth. Allison arrived and I gave them my present -- a fractal I'd made for them, mounted on canvas with a painted border. They seemed to really love it which made me happy and relieved (I'd never done it before and was worried that it wouldn't appeal). As things wound down, eventually it was me, Kat, Jaime, Allison (and their person, who seems to appreciate Allison exactly as they are which makes me SUPER happy), and Topaz (maybe someone else too??). I got super great cuddles, playing with Allison's hair and getting a hand massage from Kat. It's very blurry (I was drunk and exhausted) but I remember feeling so loved that these people were not just spending time with me but investing in learning about each other. I have no idea what we talked about but the energy and cuddles were very nourishing for me.

Next morning I got up and helped make pancakes, did a billion and a half dishes, had breakfast, and said
goodbye to Kat and Sause (who I didn't get to really talk with, but seems really easygoing and open; I feel like it would be fairly easy to connect with them in a much smaller setting). Then I tidied more, hung out with Jaime until they had to leave for work, and talked with Anika and Abby while massaging Abby (who had neck/shoulder pain). After Anika and Matt and Suzu left to go to Sanctuary with Kei-Won-Tia, Abby and I took off for the nearest park under grey and horrid skies -- right after we arrived it started raining, so we climbed a baseball tower (no idea what it is actually called) and watched the rain and talked about solstice.

We went home and I saw Mercury (one of my bettas) looking dead and freaked the fuck out -- turns out they weren't dead just very lethargic and with a giant wound. After flailing a while I set up a quarantine bowl and put them in it, still incredibly rattled and upset. Abby and I sat around talking for a little while as I tried to calm down, and then I drove through rain and dark with wiper blades that won't work properly, terrified, and arrived at Topaz' even more shaky, with my hands literally shaking. Abby asked how to help me, I didn't know, they gave me a hug which helped some. Then Topaz arrived and comforted me too, and I just started crying, overwhelmed. Topaz put their hand over my heart and gave energy (I checked to make sure they were pulling from elsewhere because I am not at all comfortable with people draining themselves for my sake) which helped hugely. I wouldn't have thought to ask for it but I was very grateful. I decided to go lay down for a while as Abby and Topaz made dinner. Once it was ready we watched "Playing By Heart" because apparently Abby had still never seen it??!??

Later I realized I felt sad and told Abby about it -- that I felt sad about not intentionally connecting. We talked about it and I explained that I wasn't blaming them or asking for an apology, that I just wanted a fix for the future. Eventually we felt agreement and I asked them to sit with me holding hands and put our foreheads together (I initially suggested that we make eye contact but they felt that was too intense). When we did this I felt relief, and connection, like that missing bit finally clicked.

Then suddenly Abby and Topaz were full of playful energy and played hide and go seek, I 'found' Topaz who wanted a backpack ride but when Topaz jumped on, they were too close to the wall and smashed their knee (which hurt for days and I felt SO bad, forever after the jump-on part only happens in the middle of the room). Abby went to talk to Darryl and Topaz and I wrestled and made out (which made me happy partly because in the past Topaz wouldn't have done that in the common area if there was another person anywhere in the house). Topaz had suggested 3-person cuddles and I asked Abby, who liked the idea, so we cuddled with Abby in the middle and then Topaz in the middle. I gave Abby face pets and they liked them (yay!). But then Abby was falling asleep so we just left them to it.

Next day Abby and I went over to Sanctuary to hang out with Kei-Won-Tia, Anika, Waylon, Matt, and Suzu -- Christo was supposed to join also but was busy. We played a long game of Truth or Truth and I got to know Waylon a bit; they seem like the most humbly-hungry-for-understanding person I think I have ever met, which I love. When it got near time for me and Anika to leave, I was sitting next to Abby and feeling sad that this would be the last time we saw each other for a while, not really sure what to do with that feeling. Kei-Won-Tia suggested that Abby and I go cuddle to say goodbye, which was so perfectly the thing needed. We had really sweet cuddles, very connected -- possibly the most connected cuddles we've ever had, at least to me. I felt a validation of my hope the night before that the intentional connection would have a lasting effect. Then Anika rode with me to my house in terrible dark rain again, and lounged on my bed talking and occasionally cuddling for about seven hours. It was really good to have one-on-one time and while I can't remember what we talked about (arghhh) it was meaningful and nourishing and I felt we built more connection.

The next day when I woke up my fish still wouldn't eat -- three days of not eating when this fish is usually very excited about food -- and the wound looked worse, and they seemed so depressed that I felt bad about their suffering. I looked online to see if there was some painless way I could help them die, and everywhere said that clove oil would work to make them go to sleep (it's used for fish surgery) and then a much larger dose would kill them. I had clove oil on hand so I tried it -- and they freaked out and swam all around and I felt like the worst creature ever to live, but there was no going back, so I felt trapped and had no idea what to do, I looked online again and they said to wait 10 minutes for it to work, ugh, I went back and they were still so I poured the lethal dose in, ugh, ugh, I feel like the worst person, gasping and crying, saying "I'm so sorry I'm so sorry." After, I found someone else who said they had the experience I had and apparently I either added it too quickly or had them in too large of a container or both, fuck. Never ever again. Apparently you can buy a euthenasia powder online, I'm going to do that as soon as I have money, in case this happens again. I just can't trust a method that caused distress, even if it was because I did it wrong. The video I watched about it had the fish so peacefully drifting off... *deep sad frown* Later that night Topaz picked me up and I spent the night with them, doing nothing I can remember.

Next: Topaz' biofamily christmas. LOADS OF PEOPLE ALL DAY and I had to be all demure and shit. The highlights were Topaz' parents giving me good coffee and gel pens, and me giving people small fractal prints in envelopes with the title on them. I was hoping that people would at least count it as a gift but didn't think there would be a strong reaction -- but almost everyone I gave them to exclaimed over them and seemed really happy about them! I felt so happy and gratified that they seemed to mean something to people. And I loved when they would point out ways they interpreted it. Later one of Topaz' parents referred to me as an artist which was the first time I think anyone has ever called me that (at least, to my face).

That night I had weirdly intense dreams about moving and school and Firekat and visiting a church (like, testing out a christian church to see if they were non-poopfaces). I had to pack all my things into a truck bed and I had 7 huge shelves of spices and way too many books. According to the internet, spices mean a yearning for variety, books mean calm slow progress, and packing means change ahead, putting the past behind you. My first thought was that I couldn't possibly take all of the spices, then I thought of selling some of them, and then of bringing only the ones in plastic jars (so they wouldn't break), and finally deciding fuck it, I want all of them, others wouldn't appreciate them enough. With the books, I was intrigued to see ones I hadn't read, but I didn't feel attached to any in particular (I had already packed my favorites). This all took place in the basement (subconscious). So, I'm taking that to mean I'm getting to the end of a learning phase and my focus is going to be more varied. That in rejecting limiting my options, I get to actually have it all. Later I talked about this with Topaz and they said it sounded to them like it was about me being poly (which was the same feeling I had gotten). Topaz expressed that they don't want me to hold back for their sake and I said that while I do feel I am getting to the point where I actually have the energy for additional romance, I don't have anyone in particular whom I want to pursue that with, but I will let them know if/when that changes.

I was intrigued by the fact that when I asked y'all about winter holidays, you mentioned thanksgiving. (many thanks for the answers, btw!) I hadn't thought of it as a winter holiday, but I suppose it is. I loathe thanksgiving; I didn't like it as a child because it meant eating food I didn't really like (the only thing I ever liked was the mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie) and doing a shitton of dishes, all for no particular reason, followed by people doing frenzied shopping. I didn't know then that it was based on a whitewashing racist lie, and when I found out the extent to which it was a lie I hated it more. It's fucking awful and shouldn't exist. But I go to Topaz's family gather because I want to show the family that I care about them and my presence at this food sharing day is a way that they can understand that.

I used to love christmas, but even though I was very christian as a child, I didn't associate it with Jesus (and I never believed in Santa as my parents didn't want to teach me a lie, and I never approved of any white american childhood myths except the tooth fairy). What I love is the fairy lights and giving spirit -- it is a capitalist holiday to be sure, but it is also a time when people do try harder than other times to be kind to each other, if they are given to kindness to begin with. I find light and color to be magical and seeing many people participate in sharing colorful light with each other is enchanting to me. I am glad that christmas exists because of this.

Christmas was important to me until I realized what Solstice was, and then all of my feeling for christmas transferred over to Solstice. The day the light begins to return -- there is really nothing more magical to me. Not only do I have SAD which is set off by dark days and cold, but I also worship light as the most tangible form of magic. I celebrate with lights, a decorated tree (living in a pot), presents, and connection with people I love. I love love love that so many of my favorite people have spent the past few solstices with me. I like that there is a nearby holiday that is NOT on my holiday because that means I don't have to work around people's familial obligations, but I still get to revel in all the reflected excitement from others at the same time.

In 2011 Kylei and I hosted Solstice, and it was amazing and cozy and magical and Adi made eggnog and there was a giant cuddle puddle. In 2012 Kylei and I hosted again and it was wonderful and there were fairy lights EVERYWHERE. Last year was my favorite so far -- I hosted and made a gigantic pot of spaghetti sauce (one of my 3 dishes that I am super good at making) and fed EVERYONE and people spent the night and had breakfast in the morning and it had the biggest cuddle puddle ever and a long game of truth-or-truth and I had such excellent presents for people. This year I think it will be even better, because I am closer to many of the people who are coming and they are closer to each other. Also, I won't have any newbies to babysit -- I liked that Aurilion came last year but it split my focus because I was so worried about them having no one but me that they knew, and also worried because they were not someone I could trust to know to ask people before touching, or value a different opinion as equal to their own. I didn't even realize this was a thing until the celebration had begun, which makes me realize how fucking lucky I am in my friendships: that's something I usually don't have to worry about. My house agreements are something I usually share with everyone before they come over but it just didn't occur to me that I might need to go over them with someone I already felt close to. Also I feel happy that Topaz will be able to more fully participate since it's at their house and they won't have to deal with terrible allergies or be sober due to a future drive.

Giving gifts is very important to me. I want to get people things that will have personal meaning to them, that will show them I know them and value who they are. My ideal gift for someone is something that is meaningful to them AND me, that is tailored to them yet something I would also enjoy owning (this is hard to find!). There is a little bit of sacrifice in my best gifts. I like receiving gifts but I like giving them more. If I could give each person something that would make them feel known and loved, I would be happy getting no gifts (as long as people assured me that it wasn't because they didn't care, because being left out stinks). It used to be that if I couldn't find you the perfect gift, you got nothing -- now I tend to try to find some consumable that the person will like, because I like that better.

I don't care much about New Years for myself, but it is very important to Kylei and Abby and thus has significance by proxy -- I like to celebrate with Kylei and Abby in whatever way feels best for them.

Taking time out of sleep for this, because it is important.

Lately I've been meditating weekly with some combination of Abby, Kei-Won-Tia, and Anika, and it's been surprisingly (to me) nourishing. I started doing it because I wanted more time with Abby and wanted to help motivate Abby to meditate since ze says it's really helpful to zir, but I've never really gotten much from meditation and I didn't expect it to build on itself. I think we've been doing it for about 6 weeks now and I do it a little differently each time. Sometimes I hold an object from my altar, sometimes I visualize, sometimes I look through an oracle deck and pull things that seem to have a message for me that day, sometimes I chant, sometimes I just reflect on my life. But every time, I set my blue pillow in front of my light box and absorb the light while I do this.

Today, I was reading through the Chapters of Coming-forth by Day, stopping when I got to spells that felt good and chanting them out loud. When I got to a spell about my heart and started reading it out loud, I almost cried, I don't know why, it just felt so strong, and Kanika, who was laying across the room, jumped up and RAN over and climbed in my lap and purred and purred. I put aside the book after a second chant of that verse and put both hands around zir and ze was content and happy about it! (ze usually does not like to be held in any surrounding way) Kanika is very energetically sensitive - I have seen zir interact with spirits (I checked carefully to be sure there were no tiny bugs for zir to be staring at), and when I do magic things ze likes to be in it, but I have never seen zir react so suddenly and strongly.

After that experience (my second time reading out loud from this) I realized I wanted to make a book of magic. I had wanted to for a while but didn't feel like I had enough to put in it. I want to put in the spells from the Chapters of Coming-forth by Day that resonate with me, and the bits of the Bible that resonate enough for recitation, and bits from my favorite other books that I could read out loud and feel nourished by, as well as any spells I make, any rituals I create, any affirmations I write. I started menstruating today, and I am going to use some of my blood as watercolor paint to bind the book to me. Allison made me a book years and years ago, for my 22nd birthday (auspicious number!) and I was always afraid of using it because it's so fucking beautiful, but this is perfect.

Kylei came over tonight and we talked about magic some, and ze participated in a cleansing ritual I did for the 70s suitcase I got to house either my journals or letters, not sure which yet. Ze also wrote some in a book ze has been using for sacred writing for many years, and shared this with me. I just barely began my work on my magic book, but it was enough, I have begun.

( dealing with feeling disconnected and out of sync )

( an exhausting intimacy practice )

8 - don't remember, didn't calendar it :-[ There was school stuff.

( intense happy one-on-one time w Heather )

( Kei-Won-Tia's birthday, meeting zir mom, playing truth-or-truth for four hours )

( watching Alice In Wonderland w Kei-Won-Tia and zir mom, my feelings on Alice, run-in with neighbor, time w Topaz' parents )

12 - no idea, didn't calendar. My memory is the worst. School happened.

( Kei-Won-Tia's birthday party and very-drunk me )

( talks w Abby and Firekat )

( lots of time w Kei-Won-Tia )

( meds, talking w Kylei about making time )

Last Thursday I talked with my little sister for about 2 hours, which is the longest we've talked in ages. Ze seems to be in a healthy relationship, which is fantastic, but ze is surrounded by terrible people at zir work. I tried as per usual to convince zir to move and live with me, but I don't think that will happen. I hope ze will at least visit.

Friday Topaz came over to help me with the grass but I was feeling ill so ze just did it for me <3 <3 <3 then we went to zir place, picking up fireworks on the way. We built a bonfire and Topaz made silver turtles and lit fireworks and smoke bombs and we drank barefoot bubbly and it was really relaxing and cozy. Then we made talismans together, where I lost track of time and Topaz was super patient. (I thought it took an hour but it took 3)

That night I slept badly (which has been happening almost every night I spend at Topaz' lately, not sure why) and thus slept in. I started freaking out a little about time but Ashe and Anika were running late so once I found that out I got to have cuddles and Topaz made us breakfast and coffee (ze makes the best breakfast sandwiches). Then I went home and whirlwinded through the house, tidying and cleaning, and didn't stop until about 20 minutes after they arrived (hyperfocus sometimes makes me the worst at greeting people). I got to hang out with them for a little while, but Ashe was exhausted and had to leave right as Kei-Won-Tia arrived. Topaz and Zawn and Jeff arrived a little later, and we had some pretty awesome conversation, ranting about evils in the world (which was the purpose of the gather). I got a little drunk and felt super happy about all the interactions, especially since Topaz seemed relaxed. Zawn and Jeff brought pizza, which was a fabulous gift. The gather wasn't what I had pictured but I liked it better than what I had pictured. After Zawn and Jeff left and Anika crashed out, Kei-Won-Tia and Topaz and I played Personalogies, which had some good questions but frankly I could make a deck 47201x better. When they left, I missed them a lot and texted with Topaz for like an hour, because my missing zir got so strong it hurt. I feel really extra deeply in love with zir. I'm also not used to spending time with Topaz that isn't one-on-one or followed by one-on-one, so there's this subconscious expectation of that time and I want it to hurry up and get here.

Sunday I went grocery shopping with Anika and Suzu in the morning and then Kei-Won-Tia, Abby, Heather, Kylei, and Roger arrived for cuddle puddle. I pulled Abby away and talked with zir about zir relationship with Roger because they'd been having a painful time, and I felt upset by it. I was sort of getting up my courage, and then we went back. I told Roger that I felt a need to talk about Abby and Roger's relationship, and asked if ze'd prefer to talk alone or with everyone - ze said no preference so I asked zir to tell me about how ze had experienced the recent troubles. After ze did, I expressed my feelings about it (vague because not sure how much they want private) and I felt that Roger took them in. Even though nothing was really resolved, I felt that I had expressed myself fully to them both and I didn't feel stressed out and divided any more. I don't think I've ever done that before - it felt incredibly awkward and I was quite worried as to how it would go, but I think it was good, and Roger expressed appreciation for being able to talk openly about it. I cuddled Abby during it because ze was vibrating with anxiety. Afterwards we all had early dinner, during which Topaz arrived, and we began intimacy practice. It was super intense and really long and really great, even though we didn't get to everyone (argh we have got to restructure the large ones!). I felt like we all moved a lot closer to each other through this one. I usually feel we are closer afterward but this one was especially bonding. Everyone was so sweet and wonderful and I loved spending the day with everyone! Suzu was really good, interacting with us some but for age 7, being remarkably low-maintenance. This kid is pretty amazing. I want to explore the world with zir to notice what ze observes. So cool.

Topaz stayed a little late for me to take the braids out that Heather spent hours putting in as we were doing IP. Ze lay in my lap and I finger-combed zir hair for a while, which was really, really good for me because the day was so intense and I desperately wanted Topaz cuddles. Next cuddle puddle I'm going to make a nest in my room because the living room made it too linear.

Monday I hung out w Anika and Suzu for a while (Suzu painted several pictures) and then took them to meet Ashe at a coffeehouse. Suzu played with the kids there, expressing upset at the one terrible kid who was mean to insects but otherwise seeming to have a blast. Ashe and Anika and I talked for a while, about what I am not even sure now because my memory is out. We stopped by Ashe's house and ze introduced us to trees and cats and zir spouse, and we got back to my house late. Anika and I had tea and ice cream (rather, the approximations I had on hand) and talked for a good while before going to bed.

Tuesday we just stayed home. We were planning on doing a ritual while Anika was in town, but when one thing after another fell apart, I felt it just wasn't meant to be and cancelled it. I was relieved to relax, because I was getting pretty desperate for down time.

Eeeeeearly Wednesday morning I took them to the airport, came home and tried to nap (which became 8 hours of sleep). Afterwards I went to Topaz', we had dinner and cuddles and went to sleep, where I slept for over 15 hours. Usually I feel guilty and annoyed if I sleep more than 8 hours, but this time I decided it was important and that I needed the processing (because dreams are really good for me in that way). When I got up I got shit done in quick succession, including writing an entry for LJ Idol (which I'm super nervous about). I had dinner with Topaz and helped zir tidy a little and then we cuddled and I went home.

Prompt from Kei-Won-Tia: Who are the people in your life who speak to your soul with their existence and what was your first impression of them? What qualities in them inspire you to better yourself?

There are a lot of people in that first answer! I'll go chronologicallyish, name then first impression then qualities. Remember these are not characterizations just first impressions!

Allison. first impression: small, bouncy, happy, clever, creative. Ze inspires me to get in touch with my more expressive self, and be unabashedly enthusiastic.

Hannah. first impression: brilliant, careful, compassionate, silly, generous, yearning. Ze inspires me to ask prying questions, to seek a more blunt truthfulness, to embrace my tenderness (used to be very difficult as I prided myself on toughness).

SabR. first impression: fierce, wild, bold about beliefs, generous, welcoming, easily angry, confidently creative. Ze inspires me to put more of myself on the line with my art, to be bolder about sharing vulnerable beliefs, to be wild (like a leopard not like a spring breaker).

Aurilion. first impression: too interested in being seen as more evolved than the next to be really honest about anything, loving, seeking (I didn't connect w zir much at all until we met in person). Ze inspires me to believe in my intuition and to be open to possibilities.

Ashe. first impression: sweet, affectionate, loyal to an extreme (I got annoyed with a girl who was deliberately flirting with our crushes but ze was infuriated/outraged and I'm pretty sure hated that person from then on). Ze inspires me to believe in myself - I think ze was the first person to believe in me, which is a huge damn deal.

Anika. first impression: angry, open, curious, creative, clever. Ze inspires me to share more, to yield less, to grow and learn and be unafraid.

Viv. first impression: anxious, eager to explore, cuddly. Ze inspired me to explore my transness, undo my partnership, reconsider my whole life, take emotional risks with no security.

Vola. first impression: quiet, intense, very thoughtful and thorough, determined. Ze inspires me to think (through zir thoughtful sharing) and to be true to the more analytical, ethereal parts of me. This is kinda rare because people tend to like my sensual, affectionate side more.

Nea. first impression: impossibly kind, compassionate, nonjudgemental. I think Nea is still the most nonjudgemental person I've ever known. Ze inspires me in that way and also by being a person who doesn't share many words and yet is as open-hearted as can be. It makes me see more possibilities in people.

Laura. first impression: honest, creative, loving toward everyone but zirself. Ze died last year but continues to inspire me with zir hope in all things. I want to believe. I miss zir so much, I hate that ze's gone.

Angie. first impression: sweetest, gentlest person I've ever met (that initial impression is still true). Ze inspires me to remember that there are still kind people in the world, even when surrounded by cruelty, not everyone becomes cruel. Ze makes me believe in love.

Lisa. first impression: honest, cheerful, directionless. Ze inspires me because I've seen zir take ownership of zir life and unflinchingly examine where ze can change to bring about the life ze wants, and then just fuckin do it. (Not directionless, obv)

Firekat. first impression: opposite of me, adventurous, risk-taking. Ze inspires me to take risks! I've followed in zir footsteps in a lot of ways (not intentionally, but partly given courage by seeing Kat) and been the better for it.

Ben. first impression: argumentative, stubborn, smart, affectionate. Ben inspires me with zir desire to grow and learn. I almost never see this in someone who passes as a privilege-pinnacle person, and it gives me a little hope for the world.

Arizona. first impression: sharp-minded, open to any new idea, enjoying life, stable and secure in zirself. Ze inspires me to believe in my ability to sense magic. Ze was the first to affirm me in that way (we got together because I dreamed we kissed and then I asked zir out as an act of trusting my intuition).

Kylei. first impression: extremely emotional, creative, impulsive, open, affectionate. Ze inspires me to be more open, honor my feelings, follow my heart.

Heather. first impression: friendliest person ever, totally free and kind. Ze inspires me to share (because ze read my ENTIRE journal even the early parts and still liked me) and to see myself as a relatable person even though I get socially overwhelmed sometimes (if it can be true of the friendliest person ever, I must be relatable too).

Abby. first impression: nervous, creative, generous. Ze inspires me to treat emotions as a shared unfolding of knowledge, a collaborative project, and ze inspires me by sharing new knowledge.

Adi. first impression: bold, honest, unafraid. Ze believed in my goodness at a time when I felt everyone would judge me and it made me feel hope that I could be myself without going way out of my way to explain and still have people see me truly.

Topaz. first impression: capable of listening intently and engagingly, caring about social justice, fierce, free, unavailable, sexy as fuck. Ze inspires me to continue learning and attempting to educate others (because ze also self-educates and agrees and supports me) and to go after what I want (because ze believes in zirself and prioritizes zir needs so I feel I can too).

Camellia. first impression: no idea because it was so long ago and ze was just a kid. Ze inspires me to be welcoming, because ze makes me feel like that part of me is appreciated.

Kei-Won-Tia. first impression: distant, loving, self-deprecating, a bit lost. Ze inspires me to practice gratitude, build intentional connections, trust in people, share what I learn.

There are many others, really.

Also all of the good parents I know: Anika, Jess, Clare and spouse, Christine, Issa and Joshua, Mandy, Brian and Sarah, Ksej, others- people raising their children with love and creativity and understanding and freedom, giving them the chance to flourish instead of squashing them into a mold like most progenitors. I feel this very deeply and personally, as if in doing so they are giving me what I never had. It moves me to tears.

We had two intimacy practices this week. Tuesday, Heather and Ariana and Anika and I had a small one (Topaz was there at the start but was feeling migrainey so had to go home). It was Ariana's first and Anika's 3rd, I think? Anyway the four of us talked about lots of things as per usual but the part that stuck out the most to me was the common thread of spirituality; during truth-or-truth I asked Heather and Ariana some questions and someone else asked Anika a question that also led to discussion of spirituality. I felt very resonant with Ariana when we talked about plants and the energy of the four of us was very... soft and mighty, like moss on a giant tree. I felt really connected to everyone and like I learned a lot about Ariana in a short time.

Then tonight we had another, with me and Abby, Anika, Kylei, Topaz, Camellia, Kei-Won-Tia, Roger, and of course me. This one felt so magical, partly because I got to cuddle with Topaz and Kei-Won-Tia and Camellia (really close cuddles that felt very open, which was new between me and Kei-Won-Tia and Camellia), and partly because I felt really in sync with Topaz and Kei-Won-Tia and Anika. The truth or truth was the best it has ever been, I think, with each question opening up the questionee and a really good balance of timing. At one point I was asked to reflect out loud on the new people in my life and I did, and then felt a burst of intensified connection, and at another point there was a resonance between Kei-Won-Tia and Topaz that I also felt (to a lesser extent) which made me feel so close, and loving, and appreciative of the sharing that allowed it. Sadly Kylei started feeling ill and had to go, which meant Roger did too as they were Kylei's ride, and Anika had to go to take care of the baby, and Topaz had to leave for Cosmos. That was sad to miss, but the second half was still great and people asked me questions that made me consider things I hadn't before, which is something I treasure.

Also, Kei-Won-Tia got confused about the date for another event and so showed up early, then kept me company as I cleaned lots. Since cleaning alone is hard for me this was a wondrous (if accidental) gift <3

I haven't been keeping up but I just was reminded in a sort of roundabout way by kiwi of how important it is to remember the good, so here's the latest from my love memory bank (and I have set an alarm on my phone to check it daily)
( love memory bank )

So in February there was this flurry of activity of people coming back into my life, but it mostly stalled out. Now I'm reevaluating all of my connections because I opened the door on the question "what if this never changes?" I realized I'd been expecting some things to change eventually, mostly because people told me that the change was something they wanted. If I say a change is something I want, that is me setting an intention and whether or not the person checks in I'm going to work on it until I get there. I realized other people might be saying "if everything lines up on its own, I'd be happy to connect" rather than "I have a vision of how I want things to be between us and I'm going to work continuously to bring it to pass."

The first person I realized this about was Hannah. It has been literally years since we were close, and even longer since we were close in a continuous way. I feel the difficulty in overcoming depression and I've been waiting for Hannah to be in a place where depression & etc doesn't prevent closeness. I only just realized that that might not be a goal of Hannah's, or it might not be possible, or it might be lack of desire not presence of obstacles, etc, and holding the space just leaves a hole in my soul that hope flows out of, especially when there aren't any signs of change. I emailed zir something short, ze wrote back, and I wrote out my feelings more in depth. Ze said ze read it and wanted to consider before responding, and I haven't heard back. The idea that my friendship with Hannah might be really over is -- fuck, it's foundation-crumbling. There is such a gaping hole where communication is not.

Then I got that feeling about Kylei, because it seems to me like zir life is going in a completely different direction from mine and that made me realize, I've been waiting for zir to be centered and ready to reconnect without the old patterns, and ze might not even have that as a goal. So I messaged zir and we had a long email conversation about it and didn't really find resolution but we're meeting tomorrow to talk. Even though I have told zir over and over that I want to work towards closeness (and have been working on myself to make this more feasible), ze did not believe that I wanted it and had stopped trying. I find that really upsetting; if someone's going to give up I would at least like to know!

And I realized that I've only gotten to spend time with Abby without the presence of overwhelming stress maybe 3 or 4 times. That gave me the understanding of the frustrating draining feeling I get around Abby, even though there is nothing bad happening. It's that I keep trying to connect subconsciously and it keeps not working, but I can feel that there is a possibility for it. I finally brought this to my conscious the day before I left (I was staying with zir during TBC) and shared it and realized that now that it was conscious I could find ways to move into sync and feel connected. But ze lives in CT, so it's very hard to practice this.

And I realized that I have not felt fully connected to Adi in years also, and that as a friend I don't feel like I'm important. I messaged zir today about it. I could work on this consciously too, but ze lives in TX now. I hope there is some kind of long-distance connection we can make, because I miss zir. I didn't realize how much until TBC, when I saw zir for the first time in 6+ months and listened to zir talk in panels and felt such resonance and such longing.

Yesterday and this morning I've been talking with Aurilion about a bunch of stuff, it's all very in the air and pretty upsetting. I felt like we were going in one direction and I feel whiplash about realizing that that is not true.

So, good job me for being open and telling these people how I feel but fuck, everything seems to be going to shit. Also fucking hell why does everyone live so shitting far away. I need, need, need, need ACTUAL locals who prioritize friendship intimacy and spirit/soul/heart connection and aren't too busy to make it happen. I feel like this is never going to exist for me. I hate the divide between ITP and OTP (Atlanta city snobbery and/or lack of access to places outside the perimeter). I hate how it feels impossible to find people I connect with on a deep level. I don't know how to spot them. I don't know where to go. I don't want to look in Atlanta because it's not long distance but the effect is often the same. Everything in my city is so default, it's fuckin gross, but my rent is so cheap, I can't afford to give it up. I hate that my house is not accessible (the only bathroom is up a flight of stairs because the downstairs one was ripped up for renovation and then left that way). I'm so tired of losing everyone, I'm so tired of being far away from everyone, I'm so tired of waiting for change that never comes.

TBC always has the effect of making me reevaluate every relationship (3rd time's a pattern), maybe because it's the one place in the world where I feel like everyone I meet is a potential friend, that they're not going to cherish slurs, insults, and opinions over learning and compassion. (I'm weeping as I write this) I feel community, I feel kinship, I feel noticed, I feel valued, I feel accepted, I feel SAFE, and I feel like I can bring anyone with me and they would feel safe too -- all with mostly strangers!!! I can be queer and genderfree and wear skirts with a 'female' body and be feminist and be trans and be fat and have large unbound breasts and never have my identity questioned or assumed. I can "be that person" and know that other people are going to support me if I call out classism or racism or ableism etc, and sometimes someone else speaks up first (oh Godde how I need that :-(). That only happens for me in my house otherwise.

Someone said that TBC is the one place other than their house where they don't have to leave any part of themselves at the door, and I feel that so fucking hard. So TBC makes me realize how much I need this in my life and how much I don't have it. I'm so lonely and sad. I plan to draft an affirmation and try my best to bring this into reality for myself but right now I'm too mournful. I think the most intense othering I experience is about language: someone says 'bitch' or 'douche' or 'girly' or a racist or ableist slur etc, and I experience it as a slap to my face, spitting on me, saying "I want you and people like you to suffer, fuck you, stay down, I'd like a carpet of you and your kin." And it happens so constantly. People being outright prejudiced doesn't happen that often to me because I am relatively privileged but people revealing their subconscious prejudice with their language happens EVERY TIME I go out of my house. I know that I'm relatively privileged but I never feel community with these shitty white and/or male and/or cis and/or hetero and/or non-disabled people and they're EVERYWHERE, ALL THE TIME. CAN'T YOU JUST STOP PUNCHING FOR ONE DAY. But even if that happened, unless I knew ahead of time for sure that it was going to happen, it wouldn't be a relief because I'd still be tensing waiting for the blow in every interaction.

I should add that there are some good things happening in some of my friendships but this post is long enough so I'll write that later.

prosphoros prompted me to write about how I do energy work/play.

I learned intuitively for the most part, by simply experimenting. The first time I experienced energy work in a deliberate, significant way (I'd tried little bits before), it was when Kylei had an interaction with a person who formed a negative energy connection. ( the background, and description of how the first experience felt )

So when I did this first energy cleansing, I had Kylei lay down, and I hovered my hands about an inch above zir and passed them over every spot to see what I felt. Then if I felt something negative, I used energy to pull it out. Sometimes it felt like a dust cloud and sometimes like an object. I would pull it out with my hands in what looks like pantomime, then fling it away and shake my hands clean. After I got all the things out that didn't belong, I ran my hands over zir again and where I felt an emptiness I poured energy in, breathing it in from the universe and letting it go out of my hands (instead of using my own energy, which I had done previously and knew was a Bad Idea). This is how I do energy work now, for the most part, but I haven't done a full cleansing in a long time, just little bits here and there. The most powerful things about this experience were that it worked and made us feel way better, and even more significant, we had the same physical sensations at the same time, for non-physical events.

I did a lot of energy work with Kylei over time, but almost exclusively on energetic/emotional things. The times I've used energy work for physical healing are few and far between. The first was accidental, when I was giving my mom a backrub and afterward ze asked if I was using a heat pack because of the energy that was coming out of my hands (this was when I first realized I could do this, but I was afraid it would never happen again so I didn't try for a long time). The first time I realized that it was more than just heat was when Abby felt a migraine coming and ze lay down while I ran my hands over zir head and felt what seemed like static, and I did a little bit of pulling but mostly I just ran cool soothing water energy over the static to calm it -- and it stopped the migraine from coming which Abby said had never happened to zir once it got to the point it had been (which was where vision was going out), even with powerful medications. I've since helped Topaz with zir migraines, though not quite as dramatically. I think my fear that it won't work again gets in the way, but when I'm first trying it I'm open to any possibility. I really need more practice so that I lose that fear.

Energy play is mostly a sexual thing for me, though that's just circumstantial because I haven't had local people who are motivated and able to do energy play that is nonsexual. Sexual energy play is just a part of how I have sex; I'd say at least half of the time I need for sex to contain energy play or I will feel a lack of nourishment and lose interest. This involves things like people touching my chakras, spinning them, connecting them with their own, entering them (or vice versa), pouring energy into them, etc. One of the most intense sexual experiences I've had involved me penetrating someone's heart chakra with my sacral chakra. I experience my chakras as being tubes that run through my body, with openings on both sides, and energy can flow out through them in a concentrated form. This makes about 80billion possible combinations which is fascinating because they all feel different.

Sexual energy play is also essential to me because of my identity as a trans person. ( I'm very sensitive about this so I don't want any doubting or playful comments on it )

Other kinds of energy work I do are the oneness blessing, card readings (which I do by shuffling while mentally asking the deck to give me "a card to tell [person] what they need to [whatever]" and then drawing, looking at the card to see what sticks out and tells me something intuitively), shielding (when I deliberately put a block to keep someone from harming me energetically), cleansing objects (same method as for people), calming animals (feeling-broadcasting 'calm, relax' emotion at them strongly), cleansing places (using a sistrum I made for this purpose, incense, and speaking positive words), and connecting (with plants, mostly, sometimes people: I close my eyes and try to match their breath, their energetic speed, so that I can put my energy next to theirs and feel them more fully).

At intimacy practice one of the things I talked about was about how Topaz and I haven't had much time together since I've been working and ze's been in a constant swamp of stress for at least six weeks, through work and family obligations. A few days after that we had a conflict over some misunderstanding and we didn't have time to heal it right away which felt HORRIBLE. The next day we had long talks over text and agreed to have just quiet healing time and not discuss our relationship, and I think that has sort of kept on going, which makes me a little nervous. I'm not sure that that is accurate because it all feels good between us, I just don't feel resolved on the tangled worries that Topaz was having that might or might not include our relationship changing. I miss time with Topaz so much, real time where we focus on each other and explore life. I have maintained my own internal health though, instead of trying to fix everything and spending all of myself on it. I give what I can and also take time for myself.

Abby and Arizona and Trevor all moved out of state and I was feeling not only sad that they're so far away, but also worried that I wouldn't have enough open/honest people in my life and wouldn't be able to find more. I feel reassured after last week's intimacy practice, because there were three newbies who all participated fully. I felt so honored that they all opened up so much, and also felt encouraged that our friendships would become lasting ones.

I've spent time with friends (Aaron, Laure, Taz, Camellia) who had all been on my 'list of people to invest time in' which is a fantastic development as it means I have actual energy for more than survival! And I've had really positive interactions with Aurilion, including a conversation that made me realize that (as Aurilion put it) ze wasn't ready to claim zir agency when we were together, and is coming into true ownership of zir life now. I don't know what that means for us, but it is really good news for zir. Also I randomly messaged Viv tonight and exchanged updated contact info; hopefully we can reconnect. Also I skyped with Firekat and with Abby, which made them feel much more within reach. I feel like I am much more of a person when I have active connections. I feel a strong need for a local heart connection, and I'm trailing out little energetic tendrils looking for that.

I feel like Kylei and I are finally getting to a good place; I'm beginning to feel affection for zir again. It's pretty bizarre how I get totally numb -- I guess it's my psyche's way of saying "no really, if you give one more speck of energy you're gonna die, so I'm gonna make you stop caring." I remember this happening with Hannah when we broke up after our short romance, and how it was scary as fuck. At least with Kylei I knew it would be temporary, but I also know if I try to rush it it will be completely counterproductive. But hugs feel better, and I am encouraged to know that the stasis has ended and the recovery has begun.

My relationship with myself is blossoming right now, as I'm editing and sharing photos (on dA and tumblr and flickr), writing and crafting, reading and organizing, listening to lots of music at the rate of about 2-3 new albums a month. I'm really happy at my self-kindness and pleased that I haven't sacrificed my relationship with myself for other things that I want.

I miss Hannah so much. I feel hopelessly out of touch; I keep trying but haven't managed at all lately and I feel sad and a little hurt about it. But I'm saving, and hoping that ze can come visit me this December.

With Topaz, things have been quite different because now we're spending a lot more time apart as we're both working. That plus spending time with Topaz' friends and family and my friends (and recently, family) there's just not a lot of time we get just the two of us, and since Topaz doesn't get much down time, a lot of that time is spent on distraction things like shows/movies, or on maintenance things like cleaning/laundry/gardening. It means I miss zir a lot more, even when we are together, but we still connect deeply and often. One thing I've noticed is that ze is low spoons a lot of the time now, but so far that hasn't gone sour; Topaz is pretty good about not taking zir stress out on me. I miss zir such a lot though.

I've been talking to Hannah more which is infinitely relieving but also full of missing. I haven't seen zir in five fucking years, it hurts, I MISS ZIR SO MUCH. But video chat is more satisfying than text chat and we both have the appropriate tools for it now, so at least I get to see zir expressions and hear zir laugh and see zir cuteness. I need zir to come visit me. I'm gonna start scraping some savings together for it.

I've been spending more time with Abby also, which is bittersweet as ze's leaving at the end of this month and won't move back for years, possibly never. I feel like we were together at a time that didn't work because we both needed to learn things and I'm sad that I don't get the chance to try it now, probably never.

Aurilion has been writing me letters and we've been texting occasionally, which is tenuous as always but feels good because having zir absent from my life always feels like a loss.

Adi I haven't seen for ages and haven't had a real conversation with in months. Ze's dealing with work and chronic pain. I hope the situation gets better for zir and I hope we manage to be close. I don't feel like that will happen anytime soon though, which means that I don't feel motivated to initiate.

Kylei I haven't seen much either. Last time we hung out we had a weird post-breakup conversation where ze assigned me some blame that I felt was completely situational (if I do my best and so do you, it's no one's fault). I feel like that happens whenever we don't talk for a while -- I become this bad person in zir mind. I know Kylei was hurt by the breakup but I am confident that I wasn't cruel or careless at all. I don't feel like I can start a fresh connection with Kylei until ze is no longer upset with me about breaking up with zir. But I want to keep in touch enough to tell when/if that happens.

Overall I feel like I have little ability to increase connection with people I already know due to physical or emotional distance, and finding new people is so hard. But I miss feeling more connected.

My depression is improving -- I'm able to give and be supportive without it instantly draining me every time, though I don't have anywhere near the capacity I do when I'm healthy. I've gotten pretty sensitive to when I need to stop, which I hope is a new skill and not just a function of the depression or meds.

I've been thinking a lot about some previous relationships. There's a certain level of need that I cannot handle (especially when I'm depressed), particularly when the person in question wants to meet most of that need with me. Maybe at some point I'll be able to set boundaries and keep them but until I can say "no, get your need met elsewhere, leave me alone until you're less desperate" I need to just not be entangled with people in that situation. Because I want to be able to do all the things and I will just do them without considering until I'm near death from exhaustion. I need to be able to stop myself from taking responsibility for other people's happiness, even when they are actively wanting me to take it.

I haven't written in months because I've been dealing with a depression that is unlike any I've felt before. It started a while ago, not sure how long, but it hit hard with the new year and since then I've had a deep-weeping breakdown at least 8 times and have cried almost every day. It has been an absolutely epic struggle to motivate to do anything at all. I wrote this on January 2nd and it's been something I've felt ever since:

"People have been my reason for living for such a long time and now I just don't care about them. I don't know what direction to take my life now. I'm so frustrated with everyone and want to dump everyone out of my life except for Topaz. I've never experienced this before. What is the point of life if I don't give a shit about people? Is there anything that could even form a focus like that? Is this a symptom of depression? Have I gone too far in centering my life around people and am I now experiencing a backswing? Is there a way to reconnect with caring about them and should I try? Should I take a break from everyone? I don't remember what I centered around before this. Anger? Music? Escaping in books?"

Today I finally managed to message someone in the counseling center at my school about getting an appointment. This feels like a chemical problem in my brain because I haven't suffered any recent trauma and life has been easier than usual, not harder, but it feels near-impossible levels of difficult. I kept hoping it would just stop happening but it hasn't. I can't CARE. Finishing my degree seems pointless because I don't care about the people I could help. I don't feel like people are real (except Topaz). I don't feel like I can invest in a reality that I don't belong to. It's like watching TV; the idea of trying to help those people seems ridiculous because they are only illusions. I don't know why I keep living. I feel like I am waiting for something but I have no idea what and I can't think of anything to look forward to in the future. What the fuck. I feel like someone turned my hope off. The only thing that gives me any sense of hope is the idea of seeing Hannah again, but I know how fucking unlikely that is.

It's pretty weird to be experiencing this at the same time as being deeply in love. I feel so guilty and shitty for being this version of myself, weepy and useless and easy to upset and unable to give much. Topaz deserves the best version of me and I'm pretty sure this is the worst.

So one thing I wanted to start doing that I'm going to do right here and now while I have some motivation is to write monthly about the state of my relationships. I keep going off the rails with things and I want to get long-range views on my relationships before they go to shit.

With Kylei, things are very uncomfortable. We had coffee sometime in January and it seemed good. I felt like we were going to be able to start a fresh way of relating. But then at my birthday gather, after most of the evening had passed, Kylei told me that ze felt like I had been ignoring zir and like I hated zir. I had been just as friendly and interactive with zir as with anyone else (except Topaz), but it seemed very different to zir. I think that is because Kylei is not used to not being my lover, and still has expectations of what our interactions should be like. I do not want that. I don't want to give Kylei attention just because ze wants or expects it or will be unhappy without it. I want to be free to interact as little or as much as I want (but not more than ze wants obv). I can't even connect with affection for Kylei when I'm doing work just to keep Kylei from feeling bad. That's clumsy phrasing but I don't know how to explain it really. I don't want to be needed, I don't want my attention to be needed. There was an imbalance with us and Kylei was depending on me to have zir needs met and seems to still be in that habit. It's incredibly uncomfortable for me to not be able to make eye contact, but except for that coffee in January I haven't been able to handle eye contact with Kylei because it feels like ze's trying to pull something from me. I don't think there is any conscious attempt to do that but I also don't think that habit has been broken.

Relatedly I think that a lot of people who I thought were friends with me were really friends with me through Kylei. Either that or they've gotten tired of me not going to events and have given up on me. It's disappointing but if that's the case, oh well. I've been surprised and touched by those who have stayed in contact and come to my gathers since then.

With Topaz, things are so intense. I've never before gone in to a relationship with so little potential for shared life goals, and that sometimes scares me, but the fact that I can't picture the future doesn't mean that there is none. I fear that when zir career takes off and we're not spending so much time together, I will no longer be happy having no other partners and I fear that if I have other partners, Topaz will invest less in me. But that's a matter of trust, really. I would have trusted Hannah and I don't know why it is so hard for me to trust Topaz. I think I have a hard time believing that our us-ness is as important to Topaz as it is to me. Maybe that's just a function of this depression, maybe it's because we don't have the same safety net of commitment, probably it's both. Maybe it's because we've had so little time apart. I know it is deeply affected by the depression because when I think about it, I know factually that Topaz values me. I've seen the relief in zir when we reconnect, I've seen evidence of zir thinking about me (because of thoughtful gifts and actions), I've seen zir make efforts to understand me and communicate with me in ways that are new to zir. Most of all I have felt it in the way ze touches me; energy flows to me, not just from me. And I've felt it in the way ze responds to my touch -- ze opens up and gives back (to differing degrees, but there's never just a wall).

With Abby and Adi, I feel like we're maintaining a slim connection and I'd like it to be stronger but I don't have the energy to make it so and they don't either. I feel like I'm developing friendships with some of Topaz' friends who spend a lot of time at Topaz' house (where I have been unofficially living since December, while paying rent elsewhere) -- I'm hoping that they'll be friendships that can stand on their own. I feel like my relationship with N/A* is suffering because I'm just not being as invested in it, mostly because of the depression and a little because I feel like individuals in the group don't want to invest in me, and that makes it harder to motivate myself to be involved.

I really really hope I can get some help for this brainbrokenness, because I'm spending all the energy I receive on surviving and that is such a waste.

Fuck. This past week has changed SO MUCH in my life. I realized on Thursday that I was creating all of the momentum in ALL of my romantic relationships, and that it was draining me entirely. I've been feeling incapable of happiness; even in moments of extreme joy I would suddenly crash and feel disconnected and apathetic. I was worrying that it was a chemical thing and that I needed some sort of medication, which is extremely scary for me because I know of the struggles my people have had in trying to find the right pill (one that didn't just make their problems worse).

I had a long conversation with Kylei on Thursday about our particular set of issues; things that were innocuous that became habits and thus problems; basically I had become Kylei's mood stabilizer, safety blanket, and braindump receptacle, because I often act those functions and without any intention for it, Kylei had grown to expect it. That, combined with Kylei not investing in zirself or in people other than me, led to this loop of need that meant we never got above neutral. I felt like it might be best for us to take a break, but we ended up deciding to try and shift expectations in another way, which is what we're living now. It feels weird but I am hoping it will lead to renewal. I was feeling / am feeling scared that we won't be able to renew our magic, but I am having faith and Kylei said ze was going to work on having faith too.

Then Friday I had a long conversation with Abby about the same thing, realizing that with zir and others I was constantly investing without realizing it, shoring up my feelings which would slowly slip with every day that I didn't hear from them, and fall dramatically every time I found out something significant had happened in their life that they didn't share with me. While I was logically okay with these things, emotionally they damaged my connection every time and I fixed that damage by pouring my own faith-energy into the cracks. It worked, but it left me neutral or negative on energy all the time, and it's been going on for so long that I've forgotten how to manage "more than neutral." I only realized these things after hanging out with Topaz and feeling nourished afterwards instead of sad or just okay. I thought to myself, "healthy connections create energy, this needs to change." So I shared all this with Abby, feeling super-worried that ze was going to be upset with me, but ze was just sad and caring for me, and we agreed to take a break from our relationship (because I can't manage to stop investing energy without that). I want to have a similar conversation with other people whom I'm 'dating' but haven't actually had any significant amount of time with since ... I don't even know. I can't keep trying to make the impossible happen.

And there's this weird selfishness in it where I don't want to give up because I don't want to have my world shrink, which is what it feels like will happen if I break up with people. But that is a shitty reason to stay with people. I need to let things happen in their own time instead of being like NOW NOW NOW GODDAMMIT. I want these things to blossom and flourish but I KNOW that is not going to happen right now and we're delaying the future joys by creating issues now that will have to be healed later.

I also had some fucking astonishing world-shifting beginnings this week, and loads of TBC learning, but those will have to go in further posts.

Godde why is everything so fucking hard. I've cried so fucking much today; at school, at the auto shop when I got an oil change, at school again, at home. I had an intense discussion with Abby about the lack of communication between us and the imbalance in initiation, and I feel a sliver of hope now but also just so fucking sad. Why is it always so hard for people I love to come to me (emotionally and physically)? How can it be that even at the edge of ending it's a struggle?

I also got some wonderfully encouraging messages today, one from someone I had never really talked to and one from someone who has been important to me but for whatever reason we see each other very rarely and one from someone who's been a long-time LJ friend and one who I have a heart-on-thorns-in-paradise history with. And one from Nea, who always finds the perfect thing I need to hear, that I'm listening to over and over.

I feel like something cracked, like I had been holding myself together so hard, waiting and waiting and waiting for things to get better, and they didn't, and then finally I just couldn't wait anymore and I let go and this shell cracked and all of my pain came spilling out. And I feel more alive but SO FUCKING SAD.

I'm gonna try to do some daily-events posts for at least 13 days; I'll probably put them all under lj-cuts to prevent me worrying that they're not interesting enough.

( Aurilion, phonetalking, coffee w Sarah, short visit w Abby, creativestreak w earrings )

There tends to be a disparity in my relationships regarding initiating contact: I tend to do much more of it than the other person, and when that happens for a long period of time, my self-worth takes a nosedive. So my first reaction is to see if the other person is willing & able to do more initiating, and if that's not the case, then I decrease the amount I'm doing until I don't feel bad about it anymore. I get caught in horrible loops if the other person gets upset with me for decreasing, but otherwise it works.

It's strange to me how my relationships shift around in completely unpredictable ways. Currently I'm in romantic relationships with Kylei, Arizona, and Adi. Kylei I live with (and have lived with for the last year and a half) and see every day (on the days where one of us is out of town we tend to have at least one hour of phonetalking per day). Adi is extremely busy as ze's dating five other people, and ze also has ADD so we don't really talk unless we're in person. Arizona is also very busy and not much for distance communication. I have intense emotional/spiritual connections with both of them and ideally I'd like to have the kind of relationships with them where we talked at least via text at least every other day, but I know realistically that that is not going to happen, and I've come to acceptance about it. Lately I've been reflecting on it and while I'm okay with having relationships that are at this low level of communication, it's not very nourishing for me. It IS nourishing, just at a very low level and I'd like to be creating what I want.

But most people don't seem to want that level of communication, or if they do want it they are not able to do it. I was really, incredibly lucky to find Kylei, who wants to maintain our super-communicativeness as much as I do, but I want to develop at least one more bond like this. But it has to be a yearning PLUS ability on the part of the other person and that seems difficult. If Kylei and I didn't live together I don't think we'd have been able to maintain it while Kylei was dating others, because I think Kylei's lack of dating outside the house I was living in was what facilitated us staying connected like that while living apart. That sounds convoluted but I'm not sure how to untangle an explanation.

A month ago Abby and I decided to "officially" reclassify ourselves as friends because our romantic relationship had dissolved due to a mixture of things. I think our relationship began on the heels of a very intense and hurtful relationship of Abby's, and there were a lot of things that Abby needed in zir life in order to heal and ze subconsciously expected these from me. That worked badly with my own issues; a combination of 1) when people have expectations that I fail to meet and they get hurt by it, I feel like renegotiating is not an option and I just MUST do the things, but I can't, and then I feel like shit about myself which means I have less to give, and 2) when someone expects me to give, I don't want to, because I feel like the gift is taken away and it has become a duty. Abby and I met up today and talked about a lot of things, including this aspect of our relationship. I think we've both learned a lot. I've learned that I have a problem with not confronting expectations if they are expectations of things that I would naturally do 95% of the time, but I need to be wary of that and make sure that I'm not falling into old patterns of guilt and taking-on-responsibility-for-someone-else's-happiness (which is not necessarily an action of theirs at all) and stress. Instead I need to be clear and honest with myself and my people; I need to make sure that I give gifts that are received as such, and that if I do not want to give a gift, I don't. And I need to check in with myself regularly and ask, "is there a pattern?" whether good or bad. Kylei is very generous with small favors -- getting me water, letting the cat out, bringing me things -- but I only noticed this as a pattern this past week. Now that I have noticed it as a pattern instead of individual moments, I am much more nourished by it. And obviously if there is a negative pattern I need to notice that in order to change it.

Also I realized that I really missed Abby. Near the end there was so much stress and guilt and hurt for me that I felt relief to be out of contact, but after that went away our connection is still there. When we hugged today I just wanted to stand and hug for like an hour. We're going to work on our friendship, which makes me happy.

It's been ages since I wrote -- partly from busyness and partly because I was so freaking stressed about financial stuff that I could not spend time in reflective mindspace or I'd fixate on it. My financial aid finally came in this week (two and a half weeks into the semester, having no books) so I have a little room to breathe. and so much has been going on, argh, I'm frustrated that I haven't written.

Things are SO busy, I've scheduled weekly dates -- one with Kyle and one with Abby -- and I've started seeing Arizona again. When we broke up in November, it was mostly because at that point Arizona intended to stay at Serendipity for the rest of zir life, and wanted to be with someone who could become part of that family too. I couldn't do that and Arizona couldn't help hoping for it and it was making us both sad. But now zir life has taken a different turn, ze's making new roots with a new lover that ze's very serious with, and there are possibilities between us again. And it's pretty amazing -- I don't feel like the sad parts or separation damaged our connection at all; it feels even stronger than before. I think we're both much more 'ourselves' than we were when last we were together and when we touch and make eye contact I feel like a plant soaking up the sun. It's just so purely nourishing. Although I realized recently that the breakup was much harder for Arizona than for me, because I always thought that we'd get back together in a year or two, but ze thought we were over forever. I think one of the lessons I am most grateful for learning/believing is that if you have a true connection, and you leave space open for it, it will always come back (even though you can't predict when). When I lost Hannah the first time I thought I was going to die, and losing Aurilion the first time crushed me too -- but after a time, we reconnected. These things are too real to die (I think sometimes they might hibernate until the next lifetime, but they're eternal).

Classes are 3/4ths pretty cool, and 1/4th INFURIATING. ( ignorance and prejudice are ESPECIALLY INEXCUSABLE if people are trusting you to teach them )

My biosib S was in town last week and I went to dinner with zir and my bioparent M. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was surprised. The evening ended up being S and I talking about real things, much to M's consternation (ze shook zir head and pursed zir lips and drew zir eyebrows but mostly stayed out of it). S asked who I was dating and I answered, which sparked a whole conversation about polyamory and queerness. The poly was a short conversation but the queerness conversation went on for a while -- S asked how it fit with my [religion/beliefs (can't remember the word ze used)] and I said, "ummm, it just fits? that's a vague question." Then ze tried to come up with a better question and I said that I understood that the church has an anti-homosexuality doctrine, but it's based on a handful of verses taken out of context and misinterpreted. M tried to challenge me and then got a bit intimidated because I clearly know those verses better than ze does. Then someone mentioned Sodom and I said that the sexual sin of Sodom was rape, and to claim otherwise is to say rape isn't that big of a deal. Which somehow got us on the topic of marital rape, and I tried to explain consent and coercion to S, which I think mostly went over zir head, but I think some of it got through. And M said that it wasn't rape unless it was forced and I corrected that lie (sternly). I was a little drunk by that point because S bought me a margarita and it was REALLY strong. But I was pretty happy that I didn't back down or even feel like backing down and it was actually kind of a relief to be able to confront those ideas directly with people I don't think will get it. With people whom I perceive as actually WANTING to understand ask, I speak so carefully, trying to say just the right thing. I think it's counterproductive sometimes, but I feel responsible. I think it might be better if I could stop worrying whether or not an individual is "won to the cause," and just say "that's ignorant and prejudiced, and here's why." I think the overcaution is the equivalent of trying to save people -- I need to stop thinking that I have the power to change people's minds, and just be naked and blunt and if they seem open, THEN speak carefully. I need to try for people who actually care instead of trying for everyone. Throw seeds everywhere, but only water the ones that sprout.

Anyway I ended up being impressed by how S listened, and decided that I wanted to try to have a friendship with zir. Amusingly, this is an attitude I developed from being poly. I learned that I could still find value in relationships that were the emotional equivalent of candy, because it wasn't that or nothing. I can have candy AND food that will actually nourish and satisfy me. I don't think I will ever be super close with S, but I think that ze can be a good way for me to learn communications that I won't otherwise learn, and I think I can help zir learn about people who are different from zir.

It's been ages since I wrote -- partly from busyness and partly because I was so freaking stressed about financial stuff that I could not spend time in reflective mindspace or I'd fixate on it. My financial aid finally came in this week (two and a half weeks into the semester, having no books) so I have a little room to breathe. and so much has been going on, argh, I'm frustrated that I haven't written.

Things are SO busy, I've scheduled weekly dates -- one with Kyle and one with Abby -- and I've started seeing Arizona again. When we broke up in November, it was mostly because at that point Arizona intended to stay at Serendipity for the rest of zir life, and wanted to be with someone who could become part of that family too. I couldn't do that and Arizona couldn't help hoping for it and it was making us both sad. But now zir life has taken a different turn, ze's making new roots with a new lover that ze's very serious with, and there are possibilities between us again. And it's pretty amazing -- I don't feel like the sad parts or separation damaged our connection at all; it feels even stronger than before. I think we're both much more 'ourselves' than we were when last we were together and when we touch and make eye contact I feel like a plant soaking up the sun. It's just so purely nourishing. Although I realized recently that the breakup was much harder for Arizona than for me, because I always thought that we'd get back together in a year or two, but ze thought we were over forever. I think one of the lessons I am most grateful for learning/believing is that if you have a true connection, and you leave space open for it, it will always come back (even though you can't predict when). When I lost Hannah the first time I thought I was going to die, and losing Aurilion the first time crushed me too -- but after a time, we reconnected. These things are too real to die (I think sometimes they might hibernate until the next lifetime, but they're eternal).

Classes are 3/4ths pretty cool, and 1/4th INFURIATING. ( ignorance and prejudice are ESPECIALLY INEXCUSABLE if people are trusting you to teach them )

My biosib S was in town last week and I went to dinner with zir and my bioparent M. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was surprised. The evening ended up being S and I talking about real things, much to M's consternation (ze shook zir head and pursed zir lips and drew zir eyebrows but mostly stayed out of it). S asked who I was dating and I answered, which sparked a whole conversation about polyamory and queerness. The poly was a short conversation but the queerness conversation went on for a while -- S asked how it fit with my [religion/beliefs (can't remember the word ze used)] and I said, "ummm, it just fits? that's a vague question." Then ze tried to come up with a better question and I said that I understood that the church has an anti-homosexuality doctrine, but it's based on a handful of verses taken out of context and misinterpreted. M tried to challenge me and then got a bit intimidated because I clearly know those verses better than ze does. Then someone mentioned Sodom and I said that the sexual sin of Sodom was rape, and to claim otherwise is to say rape isn't that big of a deal. Which somehow got us on the topic of marital rape, and I tried to explain consent and coercion to S, which I think mostly went over zir head, but I think some of it got through. And M said that it wasn't rape unless it was forced and I corrected that lie (sternly). I was a little drunk by that point because S bought me a margarita and it was REALLY strong. But I was pretty happy that I didn't back down or even feel like backing down and it was actually kind of a relief to be able to confront those ideas directly with people I don't think will get it. With people whom I perceive as actually WANTING to understand ask, I speak so carefully, trying to say just the right thing. I think it's counterproductive sometimes, but I feel responsible. I think it might be better if I could stop worrying whether or not an individual is "won to the cause," and just say "that's ignorant and prejudiced, and here's why." I think the overcaution is the equivalent of trying to save people -- I need to stop thinking that I have the power to change people's minds, and just be naked and blunt and if they seem open, THEN speak carefully. I need to try for people who actually care instead of trying for everyone. Throw seeds everywhere, but only water the ones that sprout.

Anyway I ended up being impressed by how S listened, and decided that I wanted to try to have a friendship with zir. Amusingly, this is an attitude I developed from being poly. I learned that I could still find value in relationships that were the emotional equivalent of candy, because it wasn't that or nothing. I can have candy AND food that will actually nourish and satisfy me. I don't think I will ever be super close with S, but I think that ze can be a good way for me to learn communications that I won't otherwise learn, and I think I can help zir learn about people who are different from zir.

argalarga, I'm starting to get a little embarrassed about my gushing so I think this one will be locked *blush* [and now I'm not embarrassed anymore so unlocking it :D]

ohmigod, I'm crushing SO HARD. I randomly catch myself saying "Abby!" just out of nowhere, in a happy little voice, and then I laugh at myself (and check to see if anyone's around). aghhhhhh ze's so cute and gorgeous and charming that I can't stand it! Monday when ze was over here and I was painting on zir back ze talked about how it was calming and exciting at the same time, and how ze liked it because of the intimacy of it -- and it made me happy not just because it communicated desire but because ze's comfortable saying "I like this because [verbal exploration of the sensation and emotion]." We've been doing a lot of talking about communicating, discussing how much we like and the way we like it, and we have very similar desires there -- asking for what you want, communicating how you feel, saying what you think. And it feels really frank and easy. I feel much less like i have to hold back my interest than usual (I wish it would all go away but I've been hearing myself say "I love you" and am still too worried about it being taboo to verbalize it, so I'm definitely not totally free). And ze's so comfortable emotionally investing in me. I think that's the most surprising bit.

( story bits from our first date ♥ ♥ ♥ )

argalarga, I'm starting to get a little embarrassed about my gushing so I think this one will be locked *blush* [and now I'm not embarrassed anymore so unlocking it :D]

ohmigod, I'm crushing SO HARD. I randomly catch myself saying "Abby!" just out of nowhere, in a happy little voice, and then I laugh at myself (and check to see if anyone's around). aghhhhhh ze's so cute and gorgeous and charming that I can't stand it! Monday when ze was over here and I was painting on zir back ze talked about how it was calming and exciting at the same time, and how ze liked it because of the intimacy of it -- and it made me happy not just because it communicated desire but because ze's comfortable saying "I like this because [verbal exploration of the sensation and emotion]." We've been doing a lot of talking about communicating, discussing how much we like and the way we like it, and we have very similar desires there -- asking for what you want, communicating how you feel, saying what you think. And it feels really frank and easy. I feel much less like i have to hold back my interest than usual (I wish it would all go away but I've been hearing myself say "I love you" and am still too worried about it being taboo to verbalize it, so I'm definitely not totally free). And ze's so comfortable emotionally investing in me. I think that's the most surprising bit.

( story bits from our first date ♥ ♥ ♥ )

ohmigod y'all I'm so nervousssssss tonight is my first actual date (as in, planned one on one time) with Abby! eeeeeeeeeeeek. I'm not leaving for another hour and 15 minutes and then it's a 25 minute drive but my heart is already beating so fast. I'm SO NERVOUS.

( gushing about Abby! wondering about Seth )

I tend to not write here lately because 1) I tell everything to Kyle and don't need to process as much 2) I feel like there is no context for anything that I want to write about so I only want to write if I give all the context. But if I just write random bits more often they will FORM context. So I'm going to try to write and ignore the fact that it might seem totally out of nowhere.

ohmigod y'all I'm so nervousssssss tonight is my first actual date (as in, planned one on one time) with Abby! eeeeeeeeeeeek. I'm not leaving for another hour and 15 minutes and then it's a 25 minute drive but my heart is already beating so fast. I'm SO NERVOUS.

( gushing about Abby! wondering about Seth )

I tend to not write here lately because 1) I tell everything to Kyle and don't need to process as much 2) I feel like there is no context for anything that I want to write about so I only want to write if I give all the context. But if I just write random bits more often they will FORM context. So I'm going to try to write and ignore the fact that it might seem totally out of nowhere.

I'm so enamoured! Oh. So. A few days after I wrote about worrying that I'd never again fall for someone in a intense and mutual way, I went to Euphoria with Kyle and Abby (who I had just met in person for the first time that week) and one thing that made it euphoric for me was the maybe of Abby. I don't know how to put it into words. Abby really fits with Kyle and I -- ze gets our strange humor (not just-Kyle's or just-mine, like most people) and plays along, and ze's really open and really growth-focused and also creative -- ze paints! and journals and takes photos (and not in an occasional way but in a part of life way, which makes me happy and inspired), and is so cuddly and sweet and open-minded. It's like I can see zir disassembling the things I say and reshaping them so that they fit in zir own mind-space, and I find that really exciting, especially since ze seems very skilled at it. And ze's willing/able to share life with me in a way that I'm not sure I fully understand yet but it feels similar to Kyle and Hannah which is... profoundly thrilling. And ze's excited about me too, at least I feel pretty sure ze is.

And I can't seem to share more story at the moment so that is all that will be marked so far. <3!!!

I'm so enamoured! Oh. So. A few days after I wrote about worrying that I'd never again fall for someone in a intense and mutual way, I went to Euphoria with Kyle and Abby (who I had just met in person for the first time that week) and one thing that made it euphoric for me was the maybe of Abby. I don't know how to put it into words. Abby really fits with Kyle and I -- ze gets our strange humor (not just-Kyle's or just-mine, like most people) and plays along, and ze's really open and really growth-focused and also creative -- ze paints! and journals and takes photos (and not in an occasional way but in a part of life way, which makes me happy and inspired), and is so cuddly and sweet and open-minded. It's like I can see zir disassembling the things I say and reshaping them so that they fit in zir own mind-space, and I find that really exciting, especially since ze seems very skilled at it. And ze's willing/able to share life with me in a way that I'm not sure I fully understand yet but it feels similar to Kyle and Hannah which is... profoundly thrilling. And ze's excited about me too, at least I feel pretty sure ze is.

And I can't seem to share more story at the moment so that is all that will be marked so far. <3!!!