I went to a vigil at the Center for Civil and Human Rights for those slain in the Pulse massacre on Tuesday. I went because Topaz wanted to go, and didn't realize ahead of time but I was expecting it to be dissatisfying and maybe terrible, whitewashed normative cis gay stuff that was all fluff and no meaning. I have not had good experiences at any mass gathering and I expected this to be no different.

Instead, it was profoundly beautiful and very nourishing and actually gave me hope. It was held outdoors despite occasional rain, because there were more than 2,500 people there. It wasn't perfect of course but it had so few sour notes. I was overwhelmed with pride in my city over the fact that we were represented in our diversity -- and not as an afterthought, but truly throughout. The speakers were varied, with Latinx, Black, Muslim, Indigenous, Trans, Two-Spirit, & Jewish speakers as well as white Christian ones. There was Spanish translation over the same audio system (and one speaker spoke in Spanish followed by English translation) and there was ASL interpretation. One person from an Atlanta Muslim organization told us about reaching out to the LGBTQ community in Atlanta and being met with reciprocal concern (that people would use this as fuel for islamophobia) -- hearing that made me cry. And having Amina Abdul-Jalil, a Black, queer, Muslim woman, speak to us was a moment of profound hope for me because I felt such a kinship with her rareness and how she spoke of being rejected from each group for being part of another. "I know what it’s like to feel like you have to choose," she said, and my breath caught with such strong resonance. She also said that prayer was great, but "the work starts after the amen and after the ameen," and we all applauded.

I was also deeply moved and very grateful for the words of Two-Spirit Collective activist & Lambda legal organizer Holiday Simmons, who said "Remember, it was our Christian siblings who wiped out indigenous people in the U.S." It needed to be said, considering that people keep calling this the worst mass shooting in US history when in fact we've done far worse to Native peoples and to Black people. (Pulse Massacre Horrible. Not Largest Mass Shooting in US History. by Sam Diener) Simmons also said "We want to be mindful of using this word 'terrorist.' While in fact this was an act of terror, such words have become inflammatory in these times, and they only strengthen public Islamophobic sentiment."

Some articles with more info: Atlanta Vigil Held Tuesday To Honor Orlando Shooting Victims by Mary Claire Kelly (this one has some wonderful quotes from the speakers at the end). Atlanta 'We Are Orlando' Vigil Conveyed Message Of Inclusion by Lisa Hagen (this one has the quotes from Amina Abdul-Jalil). Atlantans say 'We are Orlando,' demand Pulse shooting not contribute to bigotry by Camille Pendley (this one has the quotes from Holiday Simmons).

I went with Topaz and Serenity, and we met up with Hope and Allison and two of Topaz' relatives. Allison gave me hugs and pets when I got so overwhelmed that I started crying. I felt so full of love and connection and hope at an event with literal thousands of people. I've never felt anything like that except at TBC, and I have never felt that on that scale. I am so grateful to the organizers, so grateful to the speakers, so grateful to Topaz for driving us and paying for parking, because otherwise I could not have gone.

I went to Euphoria and camped with Topaz, Kylei, Heather, Brian, and Hope. It was a mix of pleasant and irritating, leaning a little to the irritating side. The best bits were sitting around the fire talking with people, smoking hookah with Topaz while petting Evelyn's hair, running an 'intimacy roulette' game, having people gift me and Topaz with exactly what we wanted, giving Rocky a meaningful hug when I came across them seeming in need of one, kissing Topaz, and kissing Evelyn.

The worst bits were our hugely inconsiderate dudebro neighbors who made loud noise and pointed floodlights at our tent all night, the unbelievably selfish shitsop who squeezed in front of me at the burn itself and blocked all my vision with their body which was a foot and a half taller than me, witnessing far too much waste and ableism, and getting sunburnt. I really was not expecting to get burnt because 1) I had been taking vitamin D religiously, and 2) I stayed in the shade the entire time. But I think that I didn't absorb what I had been taking, because I've been taking zinc and apparently it blocks magnesium sometimes, which is necessary for absorption of D (if I understood what I read on it). I started taking magnesium daily since then, and the purple-pink has turned tan far, FAR quicker than usual, so that's good at least. I ordered a calcium-magnesium supplement to balance out the zinc, and copper because the zinc I currently have doesn't contain copper and zinc can deplete copper. I recently started taking iron too, because I found a vegetarian source and I know that it is unlikely I get enough from my diet. Once all this stuff arrives I have to figure out what not to take with what, bleh. Never thought I'd be taking a bunch of supplements every day -- but I only take what I can actually feel an effect from, with the exception of these new minerals and curcumin, which I take because I've read that it helps with dementia, both prevention and cure.


I talked with Topaz after and realized that the reason I go to burns is purely to skill-share and/or for art. If I was not going to do that, I wouldn't be motivated enough to go, because I've never met a person at a burn who became important to me. Even though I have a lot of burner friends, I've met all of them in some other way. (technically I met Seth at a burn I think, but I met Seth through Abby so the burn was just a convenience) Other reasons to go to a burn are not relevant to me because they are already part of my daily life: self-expression, nudity, play, cuddles. For a lot of people burns are where they can really be themselves and feel accepted, but accepting me would require a lot of learning that people do not do, so I never feel accepted (it is nice that people try, but there's not much that can be done in the moment).

I go to burns because I like that people there are often willing to try new things, and so if I bring a skill I think will help make the world better and people are willing to practice, I can make change there in a way that is not possible elsewhere. This time I felt like I did kind of a bad job with planning, and that meant that the intimacy game I made did not reach many people, but it was still worthwhile. I think the few strangers that came and participated appreciated it.

In other news I have a temporary housemate, Serenity (also called Twilight) who has been WONDERFUL to have around. They were in need of a place to stay and I had a room which wasn't being used so I offered it to them. I didn't ask for anything, but they have cooked for me four times (delicious healthy vegetarian meals) since they got here 10 days ago, and have done dishes and swept! Also, having them around as a tidy person helps me to be better about tidying also, so the kitchen table is usable again for the first time in ages. And they wanted to craft which got me crafting too -- now I have a new project half-done that I think I will actually complete soon. They have a service dog who is INCREDIBLY sweet and Kanika is slowly adjusting to them. I am really enjoying having them stay with me. We've talked a lot and I feel a lot of resonance with them.

It had been 2 years so it was way past time for an update. I didn't include all of the people from before but those are still available via tags *smiles*
If you're wondering what spirit-kin, heart-kin, soul-kin or mind-kin mean (or -twin, the stronger version), read this post.

If there is anyone I've mentioned often who is not included here, please remind me.

( all of the people! it's pretty long )

I had a really lovely nourishing evening last Sunday. I hosted a gather I called "Cuddle Communion" which was based loosely on cuddle parties I'd been to in the past. I went over a short list of consent agreements to begin with, and then we did structured cuddles, had a break for snacks and coffee, and then had unstructured cuddles and played truth-or-truth. I felt really connected with almost everyone there, and I definitely want to do it again. Next time I'm going to set the structured part into a flow from least to most intense, because I just did them randomly this time and that was okay, but could have been way better. Also, I want to finish the structured cuddles before the break, because after it is too hard to get back into that. And I looooove that truth-or-truth was the mental focus of the unstructured part this time, but others might want something less intense, so I want to try to set up something to listen to or watch, at least as an option.

( consent agreements )

( structured cuddle list )

After most people left, I was hanging out and talking with Serah and Alison about social change and leading things. Serah used to lead a spiritual gather but got burnt out, and I understand that feeling so well. I mentioned that that is why my ideal leadership is at least three volunteers who take turns and step down when they get tired. Usually what I see happen is one person leads and no one helps, and the leader gets so burnt out that they quit forever and the group disintegrates. I really think that any good leader doesn't lead because they want to lead, they lead because they see a need that no one else is filling.

Speaking of which, I felt so supported a few weeks ago when I was too exhausted to participate in intimacy practice, and the others took leadership and made it happen without me. I don't want to feel like it's mine, I want to feel shared ownership and care of IP, and that definitely made me feel that way.

I was talking with Saleena a few days ago about the same thing (good leaders just filling a need). Saleena and I are going to run a local community discussion/connection group together. The original idea was that it would be for trans people, but we want to expand it to all othered people and make it a safe space to talk or listen. I'm worried about creating a safe space where strangers can attend, because if an unsafe person attends that can be horrible, but there is no perfect solution. I think as long as Saleena and I are willing to call people on being problematic, we can make something good and safer than life in general while being imperfect.

Prompt from Kei-Won-Tia: Who are the people in your life who speak to your soul with their existence and what was your first impression of them? What qualities in them inspire you to better yourself?

There are a lot of people in that first answer! I'll go chronologicallyish, name then first impression then qualities. Remember these are not characterizations just first impressions!

Allison. first impression: small, bouncy, happy, clever, creative. Ze inspires me to get in touch with my more expressive self, and be unabashedly enthusiastic.

Hannah. first impression: brilliant, careful, compassionate, silly, generous, yearning. Ze inspires me to ask prying questions, to seek a more blunt truthfulness, to embrace my tenderness (used to be very difficult as I prided myself on toughness).

SabR. first impression: fierce, wild, bold about beliefs, generous, welcoming, easily angry, confidently creative. Ze inspires me to put more of myself on the line with my art, to be bolder about sharing vulnerable beliefs, to be wild (like a leopard not like a spring breaker).

Aurilion. first impression: too interested in being seen as more evolved than the next to be really honest about anything, loving, seeking (I didn't connect w zir much at all until we met in person). Ze inspires me to believe in my intuition and to be open to possibilities.

Ashe. first impression: sweet, affectionate, loyal to an extreme (I got annoyed with a girl who was deliberately flirting with our crushes but ze was infuriated/outraged and I'm pretty sure hated that person from then on). Ze inspires me to believe in myself - I think ze was the first person to believe in me, which is a huge damn deal.

Anika. first impression: angry, open, curious, creative, clever. Ze inspires me to share more, to yield less, to grow and learn and be unafraid.

Viv. first impression: anxious, eager to explore, cuddly. Ze inspired me to explore my transness, undo my partnership, reconsider my whole life, take emotional risks with no security.

Vola. first impression: quiet, intense, very thoughtful and thorough, determined. Ze inspires me to think (through zir thoughtful sharing) and to be true to the more analytical, ethereal parts of me. This is kinda rare because people tend to like my sensual, affectionate side more.

Nea. first impression: impossibly kind, compassionate, nonjudgemental. I think Nea is still the most nonjudgemental person I've ever known. Ze inspires me in that way and also by being a person who doesn't share many words and yet is as open-hearted as can be. It makes me see more possibilities in people.

Laura. first impression: honest, creative, loving toward everyone but zirself. Ze died last year but continues to inspire me with zir hope in all things. I want to believe. I miss zir so much, I hate that ze's gone.

Angie. first impression: sweetest, gentlest person I've ever met (that initial impression is still true). Ze inspires me to remember that there are still kind people in the world, even when surrounded by cruelty, not everyone becomes cruel. Ze makes me believe in love.

Lisa. first impression: honest, cheerful, directionless. Ze inspires me because I've seen zir take ownership of zir life and unflinchingly examine where ze can change to bring about the life ze wants, and then just fuckin do it. (Not directionless, obv)

Firekat. first impression: opposite of me, adventurous, risk-taking. Ze inspires me to take risks! I've followed in zir footsteps in a lot of ways (not intentionally, but partly given courage by seeing Kat) and been the better for it.

Ben. first impression: argumentative, stubborn, smart, affectionate. Ben inspires me with zir desire to grow and learn. I almost never see this in someone who passes as a privilege-pinnacle person, and it gives me a little hope for the world.

Arizona. first impression: sharp-minded, open to any new idea, enjoying life, stable and secure in zirself. Ze inspires me to believe in my ability to sense magic. Ze was the first to affirm me in that way (we got together because I dreamed we kissed and then I asked zir out as an act of trusting my intuition).

Kylei. first impression: extremely emotional, creative, impulsive, open, affectionate. Ze inspires me to be more open, honor my feelings, follow my heart.

Heather. first impression: friendliest person ever, totally free and kind. Ze inspires me to share (because ze read my ENTIRE journal even the early parts and still liked me) and to see myself as a relatable person even though I get socially overwhelmed sometimes (if it can be true of the friendliest person ever, I must be relatable too).

Abby. first impression: nervous, creative, generous. Ze inspires me to treat emotions as a shared unfolding of knowledge, a collaborative project, and ze inspires me by sharing new knowledge.

Adi. first impression: bold, honest, unafraid. Ze believed in my goodness at a time when I felt everyone would judge me and it made me feel hope that I could be myself without going way out of my way to explain and still have people see me truly.

Topaz. first impression: capable of listening intently and engagingly, caring about social justice, fierce, free, unavailable, sexy as fuck. Ze inspires me to continue learning and attempting to educate others (because ze also self-educates and agrees and supports me) and to go after what I want (because ze believes in zirself and prioritizes zir needs so I feel I can too).

Camellia. first impression: no idea because it was so long ago and ze was just a kid. Ze inspires me to be welcoming, because ze makes me feel like that part of me is appreciated.

Kei-Won-Tia. first impression: distant, loving, self-deprecating, a bit lost. Ze inspires me to practice gratitude, build intentional connections, trust in people, share what I learn.

There are many others, really.

Also all of the good parents I know: Anika, Jess, Clare and spouse, Christine, Issa and Joshua, Mandy, Brian and Sarah, Ksej, others- people raising their children with love and creativity and understanding and freedom, giving them the chance to flourish instead of squashing them into a mold like most progenitors. I feel this very deeply and personally, as if in doing so they are giving me what I never had. It moves me to tears.

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )

I've recently realized that the way I spend time and the way I think of home is different than most people I've lived with. Home, to me, is where I go to rest and feel secure -- and this usually involves being relaxed/passive/solitary. It's not where I want to spend most of my time -- it's where I want to go back to after adventures. If I'm happy and healthy I want to be OUT most of the time (at least 5 days out of 7), interacting with people and exploring. Being out satisfies my yearning to wander. The only times I spend vast lengths of time at home is when I'm feeling depressed or need to process/recover or feel like I have no one to explore with (I can explore on my own if it's warm, but if it's cold I need people with me to motivate me to brave the cold).

But for most people, "home is where the heart is" and home is where you are happiest spending your time. I remember this being a point of conflict when I lived with the Wynnes -- I loved that family more than anyone else I'd ever known, and I LOVED my room SO much (it was FULL of light and they let me paint it purple and green and it had a built-in-desk and its own full-of-light bathroom), 'yet' I was out all the time. I was working full time and going to school full time and dating and going to group therapy (which for me was a wonderful social activity), and I loved the whirl. I think Paula started to feel like I didn't care about them because I wasn't often home, and she started asking me to call when I was going to be out late (ostensibly so ze wouldn't worry but really I think because ze didn't want to feel forgotten) -- which I could never remember to do until it was already past the time ze'd be asleep. I didn't realize (until now) that it is possible they felt unloved or like I didn't want to live there -- yet it was probably my favorite place I've ever lived.

( it was also conflict with Ash and Ben and Arizona )

All this makes me worry that I'm not suited to live with people I'm close with because it seems really difficult to get around that expectation. My daydream looks like this: sharing living space (a house or multi-room flat) with people I love who are either wanderfooted or solitary or not emotionally invested in me; having my own, separate space; having communal space where everyone living there has equal freedom to invite people to (this is very important! I've NEVER had this and yearned for it all my life); having no one be sad if I'm gone for days at a stretch, and no one be upset if I'm home but don't want to interact. I dunno if that's possible. I hope so, and I want to try it with my lil sis and Kyle (who is probably more out-oriented than I am even) and maybe some others. Am I the only one who thinks of home like this?

photopost! I'm getting my confidence back at last ♥





( 36 photos from many different days )

my life has gotten even MORE insannnne and at this point I'm going to have to start posting outlines in order to get anything down. This past timespan has been just... massive. And there is so much I haven't said!

( the 11th through the 21st in list form! )

( disjointed ramblings )

Also I haven't really taken ANY photos in AGES. My confidence got shaken and now I'm afraid to take portraits and I haven't been out in nature lately. It's really bothering me. Which is part of the reason I miss Hannah, because Mx. Clickyclicky is quite shutter-happy and it's easy to make photo-taking normal for me when it's normal for someone around me. I think I need to set some sort of challenge for myself to get me back in the habit. Maybe "every day, take at least three photos of each person I see." Even in bad lighting. Yes. I'm going to get myself out of this funk. I don't promise to share any though -- we'll see if I can manage some improvement on the CRAP I've been producing lately.

I'm going to put this whole post under an LJ-cut so it looks all tiny when really it will be EONS LONG.

( Serendipity hosted a memorial weekend party )

This weekend my car would not start and then the power went out at my apartment (it's still out) so Anita and Christa drove me to the interviews I had set up (!) and then I stayed at their place for three days.

I love interacting with the family -- words pale, really. Anita's family consists of three other adults (Chip, Christa, and Kim) and three children (R (age 12), P (age 11), and G (age 3)). They work together in this matter-of-fact way that I wish I could put into words. I'm sure they have their frustrations and resentments like any family but those things don't stop them from functioning together as a whole in a really beautiful way. And things I wouldn't normally enjoy (like cleaning) become meaningful and satisfying because they're part of the flow of the family working together.

Even though stuff keeps happening to get in the way of creating the life I want (like car fail and power out!), I'm starting to have more hope about it. I WILL find work and living space and I will become settled and self-sufficient. I am finding the tools I need and putting things in motion. And Ben and Nicole have been so amazingly generous as to offer to let me stay with them until I get my feet under me. I'm grateful and also very curious as to how that will feel... it's been a plan of mine to NOT live with a lover but life had other ideas I suppose ;-)

I'm in a weird state at the moment. ( new job possibilities, nerves )

Also I'm hanging out with Wade tomorrow and I'm happy and nervous about that. Wade is Rob's housemate -- I've only really talked with zir once but it was a wonderful conversation and we cuddled a bit and that was even more wonderful so I think it'll go well. I feel a little ridiculous opening all these doors when I don't know anything about the direction my life is taking, but intuition says go, so going I am. (and I did ask the universe for as many lovers as I can handle... haha)

The borderpagans meeting tonight consisted of myself, Ben, Green, Anita, Chip, and Christa. Something about that collection of people felt just amazing. I mean, it could have been that I was just high from being around both Ben and Anita but I think it was more than that -- the energy just seemed to flow really easily between the six of us. I really loved it -- even before we went to dinner and Anita and I cuddled, hee (there are these moments when we're not even touching and I just feel this wave of lush calm from being in zir presence -- it's incredible). I think maybe it's that I felt like I could really trust each of them and that each of them were open to connecting with me and the others. And also that I really like each of them and want to know them more so I was very open to them.

It completely blows my mind that there are so many amazing people in my life. Such an abundance of love and acceptance and generosity of spirit! I am incredibly grateful.

I've been missing all of my people this week and just feeling ( very alone and sad )

Time with Ben somehow just keeps getting better. The dynamic between us baffles me because it's so... shifty! I dunno how to describe it. When we're not together it's like it's on pause, and then when we're together it's like flying. Yesterday ze came over and spent the night and for a while we kissed and kissed and sort of dancy-swayed together to music and OH MY GOD that was intense. And afterward there was a new sort of energy between us, something even more tender and intermingled than usual. It felt really healing and restful. Then this morning we got up with the intention of going to the Etowah Indian Mounds but they're closed on Sundays :-p so we just went driving around... we came across a power plant, which I'd have expected to hate (because eww pollution and eww mass-production) but I LOVED. It felt so wonderful to be near it! vibrant and clean and, well, powerful! I wanted to just go and sit near, but of course it was all fenced in and guarded. (but Ben drove back and forth a little so I could get photos ♥) We also drove by a tree that had the most amazing silver leaves (I think it was a silver linden but can't be sure, didn't get close enough to see the leaf shapes) and a whole stand of babies, gorgeous! I forgot how much I love being driven around and getting to experience just the movement and the feeling without having to focus on driving. I lovelovelove that Ben did that.

Kisses! how I long for more -- why can't I kiss everyone in the world? and oh God/dess, hands. Really, I'm such a hands person. Hands and mouths (because it's mostly the lips but it's also the whole structure, y'know?) but hands first. There've been moments when I've held hands with someone and it felt more intimate than kissing or fucking.

I'm a little baffled at what my mind returns to lately. I'd have expected to pine and mourn and suffer over the Ash & Rob thing but I haven't been. Parts of it just sort of evaporated (can't really explain that because it's not only my story and it's too near) and the bits that are still painful I'm just avoiding the fuck out of. So instead what fills my mind is ( other doomed attractions )

Also if I have to move out of state that means that Ben and I will be on hiatus because ze doesn't do long distance. So that's a little depressing. It already sucks that living this far means I only get time alone with zir once a week. I mean, I'm grateful for that, but I need more intimate-connection-time than that. Not necessarily with the same person, not even necessarily romantic, just more. I need mindful cuddles everyday. I need naked, open conversation at least every other day. And you know? now that I'm thinking on it, if I were to move with the biofamily, I would get cuddles and naked-open-conversation all the time from my lil sis. And right this minute I want that more than anything else. :-(

But but! if I can stay here I can be with Ben and mayyyyyyyybe one of those who have laid claim to my mindspace and who knows what other possibilities? I do have a few leads on jobs (nothing definite yet) and I feel pretty sure I can find a decent place to live if I can find work that would actually pay my bills. And I could go back to school for free. I want that so much. I want THIS. I want here, this is my home.

And the idea of not being in Georgia in summer makes me ache and weep. I love Georgia in summer more than I've ever loved a person and I think more than I ever will love any single person. It's the most unbearable beauty and it breathes and embraces me, I need it. NEED. Please God/dess, please don't make me leave before I've had at least a little of it. I beg you, All-That-Has-Compassion, let me taste true summer.

I think Ash and I may develop a reputation (oops). It's hot now (HALLELUJAH!) and we keep our windows open and use fans instead of air conditioning (air-co, lol) and, well, Ash fell in love (and lust) last week and has had the new lover over almost every night since (and they've woken me up in the morning -- once with noises and twice with SHEER ENERGY). And I am pretty much incapable of being quiet when having sex with Ben (last night I think I was the loudest ever -- it's normal for me to scream occasionally but LAST night I screamed a LOT >:-]) so, if anyone's been on their balconies or had their windows open they've shared in our joy, haha.

I'm really, really happy for Ash -- this new relationship has created SUCH a shift for zir! And not just that, but the influx of creative energy (sex is a creative act for sure!) has completely changed the feel of the apartment. It almost seems like Ash's new relationship has finally cut zir ties with all the horribly shitty stuff that happened last year, and has started the healing process -- so now all that old stagnant stuff isn't in our space interfering with things. I think the overflow of their connection/creation is partly to credit for me finally having the courage and energy to look my ex in the eyes and see the truth (though I know spring had a lot to do with that too, and perhaps Geb did as well). And now it just feels good here -- I actually spend time in the living room sometimes (without the draw of a conversation, even).

See? this is why I love spring! it brings magic! also the green makes me happy every damn time I see it. LIFE!

A much-belated photoshare from when justben and I last went to Big Trees (wow, it's been almost three months) -- winter had come early, but there was still beauty to be found ♥ I almost want to go again before spring to see if I can find anything to enchant me in the stark nakedness of full winter.




( 30+ photos )

O dear. I like Maggie -- a lot :-? Ze took me to pick up my car at the last minute today, and ze GAVE ME A BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Not just anything either, a so-thoughtful present -- after ONE CONVERSATION. (the one I mentioned here) We'd talked briefly about makeup and I explained that my love for makeup came from my love for color and I liked BRIGHT vivid colors. So ze got me this eye stuff that you put on under shadow to make it brighter and more intense! And a deep shimmery purple shadow also. Presents that say "I listened and paid attention to even your casual mentions" are just... wow. Which reminds me, justben brought me pushpins the other day after I mentioned (in a long blathery post) that I had run out! I was just flabbergasted by how thoughtful that was! ♥ and oh-so-charmed :D

( complicatedness, loneliness )

And you know what? If I had been honest with myself and all of you about the utter lack of emotional nourishment in my relationship with [ex], I know some of you would have kicked my ass into a breakup sooner :-p I think this ended at the right time this time, but I still want to learn from this and remember not self-censor like that again. It took me reaching the very end to confess to myself that utter neglect IS a good reason to end things.

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )

These are the characters in the story of my life:
( from 2009 )

My relationship with my lil sis has been wildly varying. When P got pregnant, I spent a lot of time singing and talking to babysis, and when ze was born I was ecstatic. There are photos of me holding zir as a red little newborn, and I am absolutely glowing with happiness (which is not true of any other childhood photos). The pregnancy was so difficult that P almost died, and for the first year of zir life M resented lil sis and refused to do any caretaking (which I interpreted as zir hating lil sis, but it could have just been laziness). So I ended up doing a lot of the caretaking and lil sis bonded with me more than with P and often tried to call me Mom. That upset me because I already felt I was being given too much responsibility, so I didn't let zir. But while I resented my parents lack of parenting, I loved taking care of lil sis and used to daydream about how ze'd start school and brag to zir friends about zir awesome big sister who gave piggyback rides and swung zir around and stuff. But when ze was about 6 years old, M lied to zir about me in a truly awful, evil way, and completely broke zir trust in me. I didn't know what had happened; I figured ze'd just become hard and distant because ze'd started going to public school. I was pretty self-involved at 16 anyway, so I didn't try to fix it. Five years later ze called me up and we had a conversation that finally illuminated that lie, and amidst the explosion that resulted we started actually talking occasionally. For the years following I cared about zir out of memory for the little baby I'd loved and respect for the fiercely strong person that ze'd become, but it wasn't until this summer that we really started to develop a real friendship.

It seems so sudden to me! And I don't even know how to put it into words. I was talking to justben recently about what it means to me to be "in love" and explained that I believe one can be platonically "in love" because to me, being in love means wanting to learn everything about a person, to continually grow closer to them, to have them know you fully, and to be so fascinated by them that you could think on their wonderful qualities for a long time without getting bored. And I love my little sister that way -- ze truly amazes me again and again. Ze's just an incredible person, so fierce and so compassionate, so open and honest, so full of joy and curiosity, and so willing to take risks. I'm so thrilled to have zir in my life! I admire zir so much and I love having the chance to see zir learn and grow (even if it means also seeing zir suffer). I didn't think I'd ever let someone who was blood-kin into my heart, but lil sis just walked right in before I even realized I'd left a gate open. ;-)

( what ze recently said about me ♥ )

Photos from the week of AWESOMENESS that was time with my lil sis ;-) Ze's so amazing, seriously. I feel so inspired by zir boldness -- I feel like I learned a lot through spending time with zir this time. When I grow up I wanna be more like zir!





( a TON of photos! )

Last night I dreamed of a short kiss with Ben, and just that dream-memory-moment has set me on fire all day long. Just the fleeting thought of kissing zir is enough to send shivers down my spine and make my belly tighten with a jolt. Oh my God. I'm breathing desire every moment (waking OR sleeping) and my whole body is craving zirs. I'm so hungry -- and the more I taste the more I want.

ohmigod, Life. I seem to be having quite a few of these "life is too beautiful for words" moments/days lately.

( beautiful people and glorious moments! ) And this will all make more sense with photos I'm sure because right now it just looks like a pile of names, but I haven't edited any yet so oh well.

I'm so un-fucking-believably in love, and life just keeps showering me with more and more joy. I'm overflowing with happiness, I feel like I've had enough joy to keep me glowing for a week -- and I'm spending tomorrow with justben! we're going to the Big Trees Forest Preserve! If I don't post again for a while, it's because I got overwhelmed with joy to the point where I lost the ability to form sentences (or perhaps words). ♥! Don't worry, I'm sure it will wear off if that happens ;-)

One of the most amazing things about justben is that ze is confidently passionate in zir opinions and ALSO quite open to shifting/expanding them. I really love talking with zir because we differ in productive ways -- I usually come away from a conversation having gained clarity or inspiration. And even when my ideas are completely alien to zir or clash entirely with zir ideas, ze never dismisses or ignores them; ze always wants to know and understand. I can't even express how much I love that! AND we're similar enough that most of our ideas line up in some way, yet different enough that they pretty much never align perfectly. I think that's the most inspiring type of mental connection for me, because it both validates and challenges. Ohh, and because it usually means that we've both already contemplated something before discussing it, and so we skip introduction-to-the-idea and go straight to further-development-of-said-idea.

I'm continuously in awe of this. I mean... wow. When first deciding to explore this, I thought it might be sweet, lovely, but I had no idea it would unfold into such blazing deep intensity on so many levels. Soul, heart, mind, body... it's incredible. I feel like I've waded ankle-deep into a sea of possibility, and already life is so different. Everything is so new.

Last night I went out with justben to Cafe Istanbul and had delicious food and smoked hookah. I really love smoking hookah; it's such a meditative activity for me, maybe because I focus on my breathing when I'm playing with the smoke. I want to buy a hookah of my own and incorporate smoking into my spiritual practice. It's not something I'd do every day -- I think my limit would be once or twice a month -- but I think it'd be useful.

( the rest is sort of stream-of-consciousness and not well written and mostly has a wintery tone and just ugh )

Ash and I had a little flatwarming party this weekend which was oh-so-much fun! We had the brilliant idea of designating a wall for collaborative painting and everyone was so creative! it turned out BEAUTIFULLY -- it's going to be in-progress indefinitely but it's already so lovely I could just sit and stare at it. I was sure it would be fascinating but I didn't realize that it would be so gorgeous! So colorful! I can't wait to have others over to add to it (especially Sara and Greta and Nicole!). Davey and S and Ash added more the day after, so it's even more colorful and amazing now. I'll take an overall photo soon -- for now you get bits n pieces ;-)




( photos! by me, Shel, and Sakka )

I've been listening to this podcast about an orgasm-based community and it's set me to thinking about how I experience pleasure. I've realized that when it comes to intense pleasure or joy of any kind, I cannot relax, cannot let the full measure of the experience in. I mentioned this last year after I went to the Big Trees Forest Preserve and felt the heartbeat of the forest -- after the first rush of joy, I shut it off. And I do that every time I REALLY want to connect and have the chance to. Even if it's just connecting with my own spirit through orgasm; I can't seem to relax into it -- it's like I feel a short burst of it and then make it stop before it can radiate through my body or my being. I've experienced a relaxed orgasm once or twice and it's the difference between night and day, but relaxing into it seems terrifying; I've not been able to do it consciously yet. It's frustrating. And it's been bothering me lately that when I'm in Ben's presence, I know the connection is there and every bit as intense as before, but I can't feel it continually. It takes me so long to open up to it now, because it's increased in intensity to the point where I close off preemptively. Just eye contact with Ben is a more intense joy and connection than any I've ever felt, and it's MORE every time. At times of less intensity (like when we're sitting next to each other but talking to other people) I can be fully open to it, but if we're focused on each other I shut down right away (then slowly the connection opens me up again).

( Why would someone who chases joy and connection as I do shut it out when it gets really intense? )

This is a new realization for me because it's new for me to have the chance to experience connection at this intensity and this often. It's amazing (and amusing) to me to discover new ways to grow in areas where I thought I pretty much 'got it.'

I want to get into therapy again because I feel like I'm starting to climb a really steep hill. I can do it on my own, but the proper gear and rope would really help. Also, I think shutting down when faced with intense joy is just a symptom of a problem which affects me in other areas, and I want to get to the core of the matter. For now I'm just going to remind myself to be open and push past my fear as best I can, and maybe in the process convince my subconscious that I'm not going to be destroyed by too much joy. And I may try (solo) orgasmic meditation, consciously relaxing. I'm definitely going to be more aware of my openness (or lack thereof) and focus on consciously opening my heart.

Knight Of Wands -- Au Revoir Simone
Oh, joy, I can see you
Oh, joy, I can see you
it's all I want
it's all I want

seeing changes everything

This is two sets of photos -- the first was taken when I went to Big Trees Forest Preserve alone on the 1st, and the second was taken on the 25th when I visited with Ben for the first time. The first set is small, mostly self-portraits, and pales in comparison to the second but I edited them so I'm sharing them anyway, dammit.



( solo visit on the 1st )

Going to Big Trees with Ben was a revelation. As we walked through, we were together, but loosely; ze was comfortable with me wandering off a bit and also wandered a bit zirself, and even when physically separated there was a strong sense of connection. When sharing a sacred space with someone previously, I've had two experiences -- either I am 'leading' and they're sort of reliant on me to open the way for them, or they have a separate experience in the same space. I've never felt that sort of open and free connection before and it's amazing!

But the most thrilling and beautiful part was that I saw it all with a depth that I hadn't before. Ze noticed things I didn't and shared them with me! (usually the other either doesn't share, or doesn't notice things I haven't (or both)) I love that so much! It was so incredibly inspiring for me both emotionally and creatively; this set of photos is BY FAR my best, and quite a few of my favorites were of things that Ben pointed out to me. I'm delighted with how ze sees (and even more with how ze shares) ♥




( Oct 25th visit with Ben ♥ )

Starred people are ones I missed getting photos of or got too-dark or too-blurry photos. :-p



( monday night with kitty sunglasses, Ben, Ash, Viv, Anita, Brandon, Saleena, and Greta* )

( PAGE meeting & Applebees with Saleena, Brigit, Ben, Josh, Paul, Ash, & Davey* )

( Shel's pink party, Sara's solo show, Shel's birthday maize maze tromp, Chastain Arts Festival with Ash & Ben )

This week has been crazily eventful. Last Wednesday Ben came over and we shared music -- ze introduced me to some of zir favorite groups (complete with pauses for explanation, which I LOVED because for me it adds so much to hear in a person's own words what is important) and then we listened to three Massive Attack albums while kissing and cuddling ♥ Thursday I was emotionally exhausted in a way I haven't been since the first time Aurilion came to visit, but fortunately I knew what was causing it so I felt oddly cheery about feeling crappy.

Friday I impulsively decided to go to a Hope Sandoval & The Warm Inventions concert with Ben, which was rather out of character for me because I prefer to get to know a band before seeing them live -- it really adds a lot for me to know the lyrics (and on first listen I can't 'hear' the lyrics because I'm too distracted by the overall sound). Ohhh, that was SO the right choice. I think I would have enjoyed it if I'd gone alone, but it wouldn't have been worth the cost and the drive. However, experiencing it with Ben was the most incredible musical experience I've ever had (except maybe for The Benjamin Gate's last concert) -- I cannot express the sense of living the music that we shared. I mean, I don't know how ze experienced it (except that afterward ze said ze felt drugged) but I felt like we merged with each other and the music and just breathed it, became extensions of it. I have stepped into music like that before, but doing it WITH someone is exponentially more intense, more beautiful. And if it was that incredible with music that didn't have great personal meaning to me, I can scarcely imagine how transcendent sharing a mutual favorite would be.

Saturday I went tromping through a corn maze for Shel's birthday, which was so fun (even though it was cold). I really love hanging out with Shel ♥ we so need to hang out more often! Later, Ash and I ( hung out with eviltwin )

Later (after we'd sobered up a bit), Ash and I sat in zir room and talked a bit and ( something profound happened )

Sunday Ash & Ben & I went to the Chastain Arts Festival (which had some truly incredible art), and then went to dinner with Nicole (where the food was yummy and Ash & Ben argued pretty fiercely about the evils/benefits of facebook), and then Ash went home and Ben & I had coffee and talked about various fascinating things. In particular we talked about the elements of 'good' poetry -- we almost agreed but not quite, as (if I understand zir correctly) ze feels that the more meaning a poem conveys and the more people it reaches, the better it is. I don't think that increases a poem's worth because to me, a poem's worth depends solely on the effort put into crafting it and how well it says what the poet meant to express (thus can only be rated meaningfully by its creator). I said that I'd read a poem in high school that struck me as quite ridiculously meaningless but created such a vivid picture in my mind, even to this day, and I feel like that makes it a successful poem (which is mere guesswork on my part -- it seems to me that the point was to create a picture in the reader's mind). I started to describe it and Ben quoted it to me because ze had been thinking of the same poem! This: ( by William Carlos Williams ) Then we watched "It Might Get Loud," a documentary about playing the electric guitar (focused on Jimmy Page, The Edge, and Jack White) in which the artists spoke about the heart of creation and mentioned a lot of the very same things we'd been talking about. That was quite fun ;-)

My life's been an explosion of change the past week; I moved out of my ex's place and in with Ash -- it had been sort of a vague possibility and all of a sudden it just happened. I'm still sort of reeling from that -- I think I was ready to move but at the same time, I had lived in that apartment for FIVE YEARS almost to the day, which is a very long time to me. It feels like a rebirth. I've gotten almost all settled (my altar isn't set up yet because I need a tall person's help to hang the curtain) and I feel rather in awe of my space. It's such a relief to have a space I can go that is entirely mine, where I can decorate however I want and do whatever I want without worrying about how it affects someone else. I hadn't realized just how much I edited out of concern for my ex -- I did it freely and don't regret it, but oh I'm enjoying just being free. And it's lovely to have Ash as my flatmate! I had anticipated it being more of an adjustment but it's been so comfortable to share space with zir, as if we'd already been doing it for ages.

I found out that I'm not going on the equality ride next spring, which is a huge disappointment to say the least. I'd really felt like this was the perfect time for it, but I suppose it wasn't because it's not happening. I would be more crushed but I'm choosing to have faith that it's not happening because there's something better for me. I'm feeling a little shakier about having moved further north because I'd put off moving to Atlanta mostly because I was planning on moving after the equality ride anyway. But then, the timing of my unplanned move and the rejection news makes me think it was meant to happen this way. And I feel like living with Ash is really important right now, though I couldn't say exactly why -- it just feels right. So I've started looking for a job in the area and should hopefully hear back from some people within the week. It's really bothering me to have to use my legal name but it would probably make a serious tangle to change it before the divorce so oh well.

Speaking of which, I've been thinking about asking everyone to call me James for a while, even those who do know me well... ( ambivalence )

And even moving, officially separating from my ex, shifting plans for life -- these things are petty compared to the emotional and spiritual changes going on with me right now. This connection I have with Ben feels like it's altering me radically and it's got me constantly spinning -- I feel like I'm in a transdimensional whirlwind and I have no idea where I'm going to end up or what I'm going to be when I get there. I've felt deeply moved by connections before, even like I was metamorphosing, but never like I was shifting so fast I couldn't mark the stages. I'm just letting it shift me, watching with my eyes as wide as they'll go, living this alchemy as fully as I can. And oh, so thrillingly ecstatically loving it.

So I run out but not away
shooting off sparks into the dark, out in the street
‘cause one day I am going to bloom
patient and proud
with fish in my mouth
and eyes in my wings
What kind of creature shall I be?
Midsummer Night's Dream -- Noe Venable

I find it so difficult to express what it's like to be with Ben, but it's almost all I want to talk about! It's so inCREDIBLE. I've been practicing openness as a focus of my life for about five years, and had it as a mutual focus in most of my relationships, so I thought I knew what openness felt like. Now I'm realizing that I'd only had little tastes: flashes or moments of complete mutual openness. My ex-partner and I had rare moments of it in sex or in prayer; Hannah and I had short stretches of it when we were both in happy, healthy places; Aurilion and I sort of had it when we focused on it, but it was shallower because ze simply didn't know much of zirself and therefore couldn't share much; Viv and I had it for those first two days when we met and have had moments of it since then; but I've NEVER experienced it in this sustained way. Every single second we touch or look at each other, we're connected intensely, completely, and it builds and builds to where I feel like I'm going to faint or cry because it's almost too much. I feel my own feelings and the reflections of zir feelings, so it's like I experience it twice at once! And for once it's not a struggle to have faith in the connection, because it IS sustained and while I can doubt a moment or a flash, I can't doubt hours on end. It's just so unequivocally THERE. And not only does it build while we're spending time together, but it feels like each time we see each other, it's stronger.

in perfect stillness
we flow into each other;
there's no space between

I'm so utterly wide-eyed in wonder over this... and thinking, if those little moments I'd had before created such ripples in my life, what is this doing and what is it going to do? ( how it feels )

In other news, Ash was quite offended at being put in a bulleted post that included a complaint about my ex and demanded zir own post but I don't respond well to demands so you get put in a Ben post, howd'yalikethatASH??? But I'm actually moving in with zir! Tomorrow the books 'n' furniture are going and then I'm going to collect the bits and pieces and then, and THEN, I'm going to have MY OWN SPACE for the first time in almost 6 years!!! I cannnnnnnot wait! And I'm pretty excited about having Ash as a flatmate too, because ze's my kin (not blood-kin but kin in the way that matters) and I think that it's going to be lovely to bond more with zir. And I think we'll work well as flatmates because we enjoy sharing but also are pretty good at recognizing our boundaries and communicating them. And our flat is so beautiful and peaceful -- and when I walked into my room at 6pm, I fell to my knees in delight because it was SO FULL OF LIGHT. But I refuse to take share any photos until I have my new room all set up :-p

justben is... ohmyGod/dessfuckingamazing. Wow. Tonight I was on the verge of tears several times because I'm just completely overwhelmed by ( how incredibly tender ze is )

The connection I feel with Ben is so different from any I've felt before -- I've felt we have a soul connection but after tonight I'm pretty sure we have a heart connection too. I've never met any others who had both a soul and heart connection with me so this blend is quite new and amazingly different from the soul-only and heart-only connections I've experienced. (what I mean when I refer to heart and soul) And ohhh, it's lovely. ♥

I am so the luckiest person in the universe. I have the most AMAZING people in my life!

( deliriously happy time ♥ )

Polyamory is so amazing, and so utterly perfect for me -- something I'm realizing viscerally for the first time because I'm only involved with poly people right now, so there's not that hesitation/worry that was in the back of my mind when I was with my ex-partner. To feel this with Ben AND what I feel for Viv at the same time? To follow my heart unquestioningly? it's just... wow. I'm all aglow, I'm so gloriously happy, I'm so exactly where I'm meant to be. Wow.

I am so deeply grateful to have found people who live nearby whom I connect with and who are honest and open and loving and complex ♥ This is something I've yearned for for so many years and I can't even express the intensity of my gratitude for each person. Ash & Viv & Ben & Shel & Saleena & Nicole and and and... I mean, most of the friendships are still in beginning stages but there's already that sense of belonging -- the only time I've ever felt anything like this before was when I was living with the Wynnes and they made me part of the family, and even that wasn't this amazing. It feels like home. It makes me feel safe without feeling bound. It makes me free to be more fully myself.

I just looked back through my LJ to see the timeline on this... ( affirmations I've used and how/when they've worked )

And you know, I first started 'affirming' a local group of friends in March of 2008, but shortly after I began using that affirmation I fell in love with Hannah and Aurilion and stopped saying the affirmation because I felt that I had all the wonder I could handle. And then it seems I forgot about it or lost faith in it and didn't start again until the beginning of 2009, when I decided what the hell, it couldn't hurt. I want to remind myself that this fucking WORKS. I don't care how -- if it's just that it helps me to focus and pay attention more and discover what would have been there anyway, that's magic enough for me. But I believe that gratitude mixed with intention and focus opens up possibility that would not have otherwise existed. Especially since Ash has been affirming unlikely things and having them happen -- it's just as amazing to see it happen in someone else's life.

Words are so powerful. What I say, I hear. What I hear over and over, I believe. What I believe, I live.

( I have a new 'love interest' as Ash would say )

This is so new to me, just acting on impulse rather than considering everything logically. I've not even been asking myself the usual questions -- you know, "What is the nature and purpose and direction of this?" Of course now that I'm writing I'm tempted, but I like the organic way it's unfolding and I like holding it in an open hand, so I'm going to continue without questions, for now.

It's beautiful and it makes me happy ♥

catching up on photosharing... these are all from before I went to San Francisco.



( two of Ash & me! )

( August 14th -- Viv and I went out to coffee before meeting up with Viv's friends Alex & Stian for Alex's birthday celebration. )

( August 16th -- out with Ash & lil sis & Viv at justben's birthday dinner! )

( August 17th -- seeing Other Lives and Bat For Lashes with Viv )

( Aug 30th -- Rebecca's baby shower )

After your amazingly loving comments, a ton of sleep with disjointed muted-anger dreams, a wonderful night out with most of my local tribe (Saleena, Ash, justben, Davey, Brigit, Josh, and Paul), and a long thoughtful conversation with Viv, I'm feeling better. I'm still quite hurt but I'm not so angry at myself or B anymore, and I'm not feeling like I want to curl up and die.

I guess I'm going to have to accept the fact that most people aren't going to be able to give me the pure unvarnished truth, because they cannot reach it themselves. I think I looked at the fact that I learned it and that Hannah learned it, and I assumed that it was something everyone could learn and once learned, anyone would be as passionate about it as Hannah and me. I really, really wish that were true, but it's not. I think the biggest part of the problem with B was that ze was doing it for me, not because ze actually wanted it for zirself (and the same thing happened with Aurilion, although ze showed a lot more enthusiasm than B did). So ze only went as far as I pushed, and then when I stopped, lapsed right back into passivity and detachment, with the occasional shift when I got upset about it. And I didn't want to see that so I went along with the occasional shift and pretended that that was a sincere devotion to honesty/openness.

If I were ever to have a partner again, I'd have to be with someone who had their own devotion to honesty/openness, completely separate from me; most likely it'd have to be something that was already a habit for them before meeting me. But for friends and lovers, I think I can take whatever is offered. ( the conflict I still face... )

In other news, Viv's moving to Seattle in about two weeks, for probably at least a year. :-( It's a good thing for zir (secure place to live and job opportunities) but it's hard for me to be happy for zir because I'm just going to miss zir so damn much.