I'm not a vegetarian anymore.

11 years and 11 months and I was done!

Jessie Rose
Does it feel like a loss of identity for you? It did for me to some extent when I started eating meat again

Belenen
No, I never really identified with it as part of who I was. Also I had already realized that being vegetarian was bad for me like a year or two ago but I dreaded the transition so much that I kept putting it off.
I do miss having almost zero body odor but oh well. It's been pretty great to have my eyebrows start growing back in.

Jacqueline Hoyle
Why the change? If you don’t mind me asking.

Belenen
https://belenen.livejournal.com/696158.html
[image: livejournal's logo, a stylized pencil]
why I am vegetarian but do not recommend it for everyone / why I won't ever go vegan
here's a post where I talk about some of the nutritional deficiencies caused by not eating meat. I have been taking supplements for many years, but even the best versions taken in the best way do not absorb into your body at even half the rate that actual food does, because digestion is very complicated. In addition to the things listed in that post, I was deficient in minerals like iron, zinc, copper, and magnesium, as well as biotin, B12, b6, and b1.

I honestly feel that I have caused myself some serious damage by not eating any meat for so long. I hope that as i transition back, i will start to get back some of the cognitive function that i lost over the years.

Jaime Cooper
Wow! I’d love to hear about your transition back to eating meat.

Belenen
I have been taking digestive enzymes (pure encapsulation brand) with meat whenever I eat it and so far I have had no problems! I have realized that when I eat meat 2 days in a row, I have to increase my fiber or else my intestines will grumble. But that's pretty easy, I'll either have an apple or a fiber gummie.

Jaime Cooper
That’s good! Did you start with any specific foods?

Belenen
Yes! Haha I started with turkey pepperoni because it is the only kind of meat I actually like. Then I got my old favorite chicken taquitos. And Topaz has made me some foods using white meat chicken too.

Jaime Cooper
That’s awesome, I’m glad you’re finding some meats you like

Belenen
Oh! Funny thing that I have realized is that my body responds VERY differently to different types of meat. I ate a bite of Topaz's partial-beef burger and while it tasted fine, my subconscious started screaming like I was eating poop. Like that's literally what it felt like, but I didn't have a physical reaction just purely mental.
But then I ate a bite of dark meat chicken and almost puked, absolutely could not force myself to finish chewing and swallow -- I had to spit it out. My body said NO. So.

So far I have only really eaten white meat chicken and turkey pepperoni.

Laura Begley
regarding the chicken, dark meat has more fat in it (and more fat means more flavor) so that might be why you’re preferring white meat over dark.

Belenen
Huh! I didn't know that but it makes sense!

Ashe
If your body / taste buds are preferring lean meats, you may also want to try some venison. It is not usually sold in grocery stores, though some butcher shops carry some. If you have friends who are hunters, you can also talk to them about how they hunt so you know it is ethically sourced. When deer herds are not winnowed, and there are too many in one area, they can starve to death in bad times and otherwise just don't enough nutrition because there isn't enough to go around.

Belenen
I'm not sure that it's lean meat so much as being fowl? I'd be up for trying venison but not enough to hunt it down lol, I have a hard enough time eating without adding a search for hard to find foods *wry grimace*

Ashe Ida-Claire Wilson
fair. [Grin] but should I end up with some venison I will let you know if you want to try it.

Jay Bee
If I still lived in Montana I'd send you elk ❤ I find it much easier on my stomach than beef, personally, but I also hate venison. I struggle with meat because my body desires it but I think it's gross.

When I lived in Montana it was easy to get game meats at the local foodbank (out of state and trophy hunters donate their meat so its always plentiful). Feeding myself is already hard and anxiety inducing, so I don't look for ways to make it harder either, but ideally I'd like to be able to hunt or trade for my meat again one day because it's the only meat I've truly enjoyed and not felt digestional upset from...

Sending good feels to you as you find your foods

Sunny
I've been thinking about my own vegetarianism lately, and I do think I need to be more careful to ensure I'm consuming a balanced diet. (It's not BAD by any means, but I know it could be BETTER.)

I wonder sometimes if I will ever return to eating meat, but for me it was a strictly moral choice (literally having just had a weeping breakdown one night about how I couldn't consume animals anymore). I don't think I'll ever get past that, so returning to eating meat would be a constant source of sadness for me. I've got enough sources of sadness.

I think I just need to dive back into research and set aside snacks that I *actually eat* (it's hard with gastroparesis) each day that help fill deficiencies. It's going to be a lot of work and a lot of planning and just generally really hard to enact. I hate that disability is always there making things harder for me. [sigh]

Belenen
I feel you! Can you eat eggs?

Okay so I am pretty sure the last time I got a cold was January of 2016, and other than 2 bouts of food poisoning between then and now, I haven't gotten sick. (I just looked through all of my old texts with Topaz and all my old facebook posts) And some of this is luck but I did ride the bus 4 days a week for a good chunk of the past 4 years, and I have gone to the gym 3 times a week for almost 2 years now so I definitely had a chance to be exposed.

For many years I have taken zinc every day because when I don't, that's when I get the colds of people around me. If I had kids, I would have them taking zinc every day right now. I am currently taking zinc and plan to switch to a higher dose.

I just learned that it may have such an effect on me due to deficiency in my diet, since it is mostly available in meat (like a LOT of minerals) and the zinc in meat is more bioavailable than the zinc from other sources. "The requirement for dietary zinc may be as much as 50 percent greater for vegetarians." ESPECIALLY if you don't eat a lot of grain.

So if you are vegetarian or vegan or eat a low-meat diet, please take zinc (as long as it doesn't interfere with your meds or any health conditions you may have), if you can afford to buy some. And please don't grab any old zinc because brand really really matters when it comes to supplements, and don't take zinc mixed with elderberry! My suggestions:

Solgar – Zinc Picolinate 22 mg ($0.10 per day)
Solgar – Zinc Gluconate 50 mg ($0.10 per day)
Pure Encapsulations – Zinc Citrate ($0.13 per day)
Solaray – Zinc Copper Amino Acid Chelates ($0.14 per day after shipping)
Solaray – Zinc Asporotate 15mg ($0.18 per day)

After years of experimenting, I finally figured out the right temperature and cook time to make French toast with sprouted grain bread so that it is all cooked, but still fluffy.

Put it on a low heat so that the butter melts and sizzles as soon as it gets in the pan but doesn't turn brown even after it's just bubbles and liquid. Cook on one side for 4 minutes, flip and cook on the other side for 4 minutes. And of course, let the next set of breads soak in the egg bath while you cook this.

Solvitur ambulando: when you use a practical experiment to test if something is true

This could be my motto, but is especially true about how I treat my body. I often say that I use my body as my laboratory: it is where I test claims about many things but the most common one is dietary supplements.

About 7 years ago I began to experience severe cognitive decline. I was absurdly distracted and constantly forgetting everything. Focused, continual reasoning went from easy to horribly difficult. I stopped being able to read non-fiction because it was too much work, and even my fiction reading decreased sharply. To put that in context -- I started reading when I was four and have read thousands of books. Reading has always been easy for me. I was at a loss for what was causing the problem.

Then I came across something like this:


[image: a photo of three molecule-shaped pendants, each labeled with the name and function of the molecule. Dopamine: reward and pleasure. Acetylcholine: learning and memory. Serotonin: happiness and satisfaction.]

I thought "there is a memory molecule???" and went on a deep dive into wikipedia, which told me that acetylcholine is a neurotransmitter made from choline. So I looked that up and discovered that choline is primarily available in fatty meats, which I hadn't eaten in many years. At that point I had been a vegetarian for about 3 years, but even before that I ate almost exclusively lean meat because I dislike the taste of other meat.

I was pretty well convinced I had found the cause of my cognitive decline, so I went and ordered choline supplements immediately. I noticed that my dreams got more intense but otherwise didn't notice much change until I ran out -- when my thinking got worse again. Then I thought back over the past month and realized how different it had been! I wasn't half as absent-minded or forgetful! I began ordering them regularly.

I have since learned that almost every currently available dementia medication works by increasing the choline available in the brain, and that supplementing choline can be protective of memory. Conversely, medications that work by decreasing choline can cause dementia-like symptoms. And even in populations without dementia, supplementing choline is beneficial for cognition. I keep an eye on dementia studies for what they reveal about the functioning of choline and memory.

I got super lucky with that first brand, because I tried other brands and they did not help even a quarter as much. Since supplements are not classified as food or medicine, they are not regulated for effectiveness and it is often the case that they do not contain what the bottle says they do. I am glad I didn't get that null result at the beginning because if I had, I would never have known that it was true that lack of choline was causing my cognition problems. Nowadays I check all supplement brands on labdoor.com or at least make sure that they are tested by a third party.

After this first experiment proved my guess correct, I made it a practice that if I have a health symptom that could be explained by a vegetarian-diet-caused deficiency, I'll answer that question by testing it in my body. I started taking b12 because I was getting numbness in my legs: then it went away. I started taking glutamine after learning that it is primarily available in meat and it is the amino acid that allows for quick muscle healing; it makes a HUGE difference in whether or not I ache after working out. My lips and skin were dry, so I supplemented E and evening primrose: now I almost never need chapstick. Small cuts were taking a long time to heal, so I supplemented beta carotene (vitamin A): now they take a shorter time to heal. My hair was thinning, so I supplemented biotin: now it is back to normal. Taking zinc regularly keeps me from catching colds from my coworkers -- and if I stop taking zinc I become susceptible.

I've learned I need amino acids (especially glutamine and lysine), vitamins A, B5, B6, B12, E, Niacin, Biotin, iron, copper, magnesium, zinc, and calcium. Some of these I supplement because if you supplement one you have to supplement the other. For example, if you supplement zinc (primarily available in meat) you must supplement copper in order to prevent deficiency. In order to metabolize iron you need copper also. Calcium and magnesium compete so if you supplement for one you should supplement the other.

Proving any theory with a practical experiment is always my preference, and I enjoy having this organic laboratory to work with.

Kroger clicklist pickup service has changed my life for the better and I heartily recommend it to anyone who can afford the small fee and has a motor or social disability (and lives near a Kroger). The first 3 times are free and after that there is a $5 fee each time (plus tip if you want to do that -- it has to be in cash if so). Sometimes they have deals where if you buy certain items you get the pickup for free.

As a socially anxious, ADHD person I can't even describe how much work it is to weave around people and block out conversations and colors and words and unwanted items, especially now that my only times to go to the store are evenings and weekends. It is so hugely relieving to not have to manage that.

Even without clicklist, the Kroger app for android is incredibly useful. It allows you to add coupons to your card, shop sales, and save multiple grocery lists (saved items) as well as your cart (for pickup or delivery service). First you set your store, which allows you to search the entire store for an item you want (however you have to use whole words: "pap" won't bring up any items but "paper" will). When you search for an item you can add it to your cart and your list at the same time, or to just one of them. You can add to a list by manually entering items or by scanning in barcodes, and having a list makes it easy to find sales and coupons for the things you want.

The fact that I can shop by sales and coupons without getting distracted means that I can more than make up for the $5 it costs to use clicklist. I don't buy impulse items (unless there is a really great coupon or sale) and I don't forget to get things because I can add them to my cart the second I think of them, rather than having to wait and add them when I am in the store.

The fact that I don't have to be in the store after work or on the weekends means that:
* I get back at least 4 hours of my small amount of free time per month (I use clicklist about once every 2 weeks).
* I don't have to do a lot of difficult blocking out of sensation after a long day of cognitive labor.
* I don't have to sacrifice part of my 2 rest days to do hard mental and emotional work.
* I don't have to interact with more than one stranger in person.

Here's how I do it:

First I open the coupon section and sort by value. I scroll through and anytime I see something that I might want, I add that coupon to my card. When I get down to the low-value coupons I then switch to the "my coupons" tab and click on each coupon that I want to use on this trip. From the coupon details page, I scroll down and select the item I want from the list of things that match the coupon. Because everything is sorted this way I never mistakenly get things that don't match the coupon!

When I have done this with each coupon that I want to use, I then open my primary shopping list. On my primary shopping list I have everything I ever buy*. I scroll through and scan for the sale items, which are marked with a yellow and red highlighted price showing how much cheaper they are than usual. If it is on sale and I need it now or if it will store for a long time, I click on the picture of the item and then click "add to cart."

Finally, I look through my cart and consider what I have at home and what else I might need that goes with the things I am buying -- for example if I am buying eggs for french toast I get milk and bread if I don't already have those. When I am finished, I add instructions for any items I want substituted if they're out, and pick a time! at my Kroger you have to order at least 4 hours ahead of pickup, which stops at 8pm, but that's just enough time for me to get there after work.

They will even bring it out in crates unbagged so that you can bag it at the car (at least at my Kroger)! You do have to call the store when you arrive but it is a dedicated number and a series of rote questions, so at least for me it is not too difficult.

*If you use a Kroger plus card every time you shop, you can go online and log in to see everything you've ever bought! I used this feature to populate my shopping list. Every time I see something I might want, I add it to my list so that I can easily see when it goes on sale. This helps keep me from impulsively buying things because now I can "remember" to try them later.

(Most of this was written at the end of April, but is still accurate)

So my new activity levels have been changing my body, and I dunno how to feel about it. I like the difference in how I feel but am really weirded out by the difference in how I look. I can see a difference but it is very hard for me to tell, visually, how it is different except that my belly and inner thighs are "looser," less dense. My belly seems smaller but also like it pokes out more. I think my waist is narrower but my lower belly is more pokey (which is a shape I really like, as I associate it with strength). I also noticed that there is less fat around my ribs, which weirdly makes my boobs more pronounced when I am naked.

I don't like feeling like I don't know what is going on with my body, so I tried weighing myself and I have gained. I know muscle weighs more than fat, and I can see the increased muscle in my butt, lower legs, and shoulders, but it still was disturbing because I have not varied...

...more than 7 pounds from my normal 212 in like... 5 years. Currently I am about 230, averaging the last 2 weights I took while approximately the same size. It just seems sudden and shocking and it's really new to me. From 1996 to 2000 I stayed the same weight (I was heavy as a young teen and then starved myself for years). Then from about 2000 to 2013 I gained about 5 pounds per year, and then I stayed about the same for 5 years. I have never experienced a 10 change in a year, ever.

I finally pulled out the measuring tape and took my chest, waist, hip, and thigh measurements and if I did them right, there's an inch less on chest, waist, and hip, and a quarter inch more on my thighs. I had taken my measurements a few months ago to order from eshakti, so I had the old measurements to compare to. I was really disbelieving that I could have changed that much while still looking the same and feeling the same in my clothes, until I realized that I was using a tighter notch on my mi band (which I lost, sadly) which is a quarter inch difference. So now I am pretty sure that it is that much difference.


It's really weird to have my body change shape like this. I honestly wasn't expecting it. I started doing the daily 1.5 mile primarily because I am worried about the effects that my ADHD meds have on my heart, and some daily heart rate increase for at least 30 minutes is the best way to strengthen your heart (or so says the internet). I was just hoping to get overall increased stamina and for my body to be less hyper-reactive to exertion, and for my ankles to stop swelling up.

And I have certainly gained these things! on days when I have gotten enough sleep, it is not even difficult to make the walk any more, even though there is a very long steep hill near the end (I still hate that part though!). I still sweat a lot, but it is more like a cup of water instead of a pint, and I cool down much much faster after stopping. It used to take me about 15-20 minutes and now it takes less than 5 minutes (as long as I am hydrated enough and not in a hot room w stagnant air).

I do think that taking glutamine and serine (two amino acids which help counteract cortizol*) has helped my body and brain recover a lot from the years of stress. I know that my brain and body both suffer when I don't eat enough, so even though I consider it an annoying chore, I take it seriously now. I aim to eat three meals (rather than my usual 1 snack and 1 meal), to have some fresh or frozen fruits and/or veggies, and to eat something at the beginning of each day. I found some dry cereal that I don't mind eating like crackers, and I have that in the morning (it counts as food! it's high protein and low sugar). Lunch is hard because it takes so much planning ahead, but I had a real lunch several times this week. I have gotten back into making smoothies and have had one for dinner most days when I'm home.

*Cortizol is a hormone that your body produces in reaction to stress and/or low blood sugar. It is meant for emergency use only so when you live in daily survival stress for a long period of time, it can wreak havoc on your body. One of the things it does is prevent you from using stored energy reserves (fat). This is how you can actually gain fat by restricting calories. If your body thinks you are starving, it will save everything it can. Many times when people get stressed they gain fat, and when they are less stressed they will lose it again; this is in large part because your hormones have more control over your body than you do.

Some facts:
1) Eating farmed meat is bad for the environment because it is usually done in a way that is an unsustainable overuse of resources.
2) Being vegan can actually be worse for the environment than not, due to the way a vegan diet uses land and the way that vegan substitutes such as almond milk are created.
3) Eating lots of meat can be bad for your health, but eating no meat and/or no animal products (eggs, dairy) can be even worse, due to lack of vital nutrients found primarily in meat and animal products.
4) Being in control of your own diet is a privilege that many poor people do not have, and it is unethical and cruel to tell them to cut necessary nutrients out of their diet whem they have no alternative way to get them.

I went vegetarian in April 2009, when it was first pointed out to me that even if you only consider water use, meat is an extremely resource-wasteful food. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to function without it, so I kept it a secret for 6 months so that if I failed, only I would know about it. I was able to maintain my energy levels without eating meat, so I didn't eat meat from then on.

It wasn't until April 2014, five years later, that I accidentally realized that I had a massive nutritional deficiency. I was on tumblr and saw a necklace with a molecule that the artist referred to as "memory." Since my memory had been getting exponentially worse over the past few years, I looked up this molecule, acetylcholine. I learned that a major building block of memory is choline, also called b-11, which is obtained through eating meat, especially fatty meats such as beef and pork. I have never really eaten pork, and quit eating beef years before because I didn't like the taste. However there is enough of it in meat in general that I probably wasn't deficient until I went vegetarian.

I immediately ordered choline supplements, and when I started taking them I saw a jump in my mental capacity. When I ran out I noticed it even more as without it my mind was slow and stuttery and constantly forgetting. I have been on a high dose since then. I have since learned that all medications for dementia that are currently used in the US work on choline. This affirmed what I already knew, that choline is incredibly vital for cognition. Further, eating fat with choline is necessary for good absorption, so a low-fat diet can create the same problems as a no-meat diet.

Now you can get enough choline in your diet without meat or supplements but the primary sources are going to be animal products such as eggs (2-3 eggs a day will do it) and dairy (whole milk, cheese, yogurt). Otherwise the amount of veggies, legumes, and/or beans you would need to eat daily to get the right amount of protein and nutrients is so extreme the vast majority of people would not be able to do it. I love spinach more than most but I'm not going to eat a pound of it every day. If you are not a nutritionist and meal planner, not able to hire a nutritionist and meal planner, and not able to spend hours and hours essentially learning to be those things, you can't eat vegan and be healthy, in my opinion. The problem is that deficiencies show up very slowly, so you're not going to notice them until they're pretty bad.

The other main nutritional deficiency I developed was for amino acids. I didn't know these are primarily sourced in meat, because nobody seems to have ever accounted for vegetarians in any of the nutritional literature I could find. I discovered my deficiency because after one outbreak of herpes 5 years ago, I had another in February 2016, and then I had another in March, and another in April. This was really weird because usually they increase in time between re-occurrence. So I started taking lysine supplements daily, and I haven't had an outbreak since.

However it didn't occur to me to look into other amino acids until a few months ago, when I realized I needed to supplement for histidine, phenylalanine, valine, threonine, tryptophan, methionine, isoleucine & leucine as well (your body can't produce these). Fortunately some of these are easily available in full-fat dairy such as whole milk and cheddar cheese. For the ones that are not, and to be sure I am getting enough, I also ordered dried egg powder that I can mix into my morning protein shake. It has a good amount of all of them, it doesn't taste bad, and I found what seemed to me to be an ethical source.

If you are not prepared and able to buy and take supplements every day I would encourage you NOT to go vegetarian but simply to reduce the amount of meat you eat. Most US people eat more than they need: you only need an amount that is about the size of a deck of cards each day, and less than that if you eat other sources of protein -- and most people don't need meat every single day, so maybe skip one day a week. But when you do have it, please eat it with a fat so that you can properly absorb the choline.

(also, if there is ANYTHING that you eat a lot of on a daily basis, I urge you to look up its effects, especially if your hormones are sensitive. A lot of people suggest soy as a source of vegan protein, but it will disrupt your hormones so unless you need more estrogen I do not recommend it. I think eating soy every day for a year and a half contributed to one of the worst depressions I have ever experienced. Soy is getting to be well-known for increasing estrogen, but flaxseed, sesame seeds, and chickpeas have similar effects -- flaxseed to a much higher degree than soy.)

I will never go vegan because I find it difficult to eat as it is, and without eggs and dairy I would have to spend so much more time researching, shopping for, and preparing food. I would end up going hungry much of the time, I wouldn't be able to ever eat enough to get all my needed nutrients, and it would harm my health. And if I became poor again I would have to stop, and adjusting back to animal products would be hellish until I built up my microbial communities again.

If you do go vegan, please consider the environmental and human costs as well as the cost to animals. For example, I consider it far more ethical to drink local animal milk than to drink almond milk sourced from California almonds, since California is in drought and should not be producing such a water-greedy crop. When I looked it up, cashew and pea-protein milk are both more gentle on the environment, so you may want to look into those.

Another important consideration is that many farms which produce vegan imitations of dairy and meat products do not treat their human workers with dignity or offer safe working conditions, and these bad conditions disproportionately affect people of color, women, and children. So if you choose to be a vegan to reduce the suffering of living beings, you have an obligation to look into the sources of your food so that you're not simply shifting the suffering onto humans who do not have your privilege.

What are the parts of your identity that you have labels for? (list and then define)

Part 2: my soul parts. These are parts of my identity that relate to my purpose n the world and the way I interact with it.

My soul identites: consent advocate, communalist, social justice activist, polyamorous / relationship anarchist, creativity catalyst, Southern / ATLien, tree-hugger, vegetarian, nudist.

consent advocate

This is a big damn deal to me. Most people are really bad at consent because we live in a rape culture. I try to model good consent at every opportunity and I am very demanding of myself not to ever be careless with consent. Why making it safe & comfortable to say 'no' is as necessary as respecting 'no' I don't separate people into rapists and not-rapists, but rather into a spectrum of good at consent to bad at consent, with rapist as a separate category for people who knowingly make a choice to cross someone else's sexual boundary and people who sexually violate others due to not bothering to check what they want. People who do their best not to be a rapist can still be bad at consent! Everyone has to unlearn rape culture. how to be careful w sexual consent: discuss meaning, risk, safeword, triggers, roles, acts, sobriety, needs

communalist

This is what I call my radical anti-capitalist attitude toward money and other shareable resources. I share my resources; I give a portion of every paycheck to resist inequality and support oppressed people; I speak out against economic inequality; I consider the economic cost within my own relationships and events and do what I can to balance them.

social justice activist

I resist oppression and work to bring justice wherever I can. I call myself an activist rather than ally because to me, ally is passive: someone who will not attack you nor overtly support oppressors. I consider being an activist to be about taking action, first in self-educating, then in doing what you can where you are with what you have. More than anything else, social justice is about considering the meaning and impact of all my choices and trying to create the least harm and the most good.

polyamorous/relationship anarchist

I am polyamorous: for me this means being open to multiple simultaneous romantic relationships. More specifically I identify as a relationship anarchist because I will not make rules or commitments designed to protect the relationship at the cost of the individuals. My relationship anarchy: we each only do what we want / my intentions & desires in all connections

creativity catalyst

I feel that true creativity is sacred, that every human is capable of it (and many other animals are also), and that we need more of it in the world. I try to encourage this both indirectly through my example, (such as by painting on my car and customizing my companion objects) and directly by sharing my creative materials and methods, affirming when people are creative, and resisting when people are derogatory toward art based on its lack of technical skill or for other elitist bullshit reasons. I have catalyzed art in many people even if it was just once or twice, and I want to do it much more. I have needed art catalysts in my life and I want to be that thing that I need to exist in the world.

Southern / ATLien

I love Atlanta deeply. A lot of people from other places have this idea that the South is all anti-queer anti-justice tradition-enforcers, but they are flat wrong, as you can tell if you look at any objective measurement. Atlanta, Georgia's capital, has the second highest percentage of self-identified lgbtqia people in the United States, at about 13%.

The best explanation I have ever heard was from a black queer southern woman who said "southerners are just like everyone else, only more so." Here, the bigots are loud, but so are the activists. I would say the majority of southern people I have known are not fence-sitters. You can pretty easily figure out if we are with you or against you, and I vastly prefer that to completely covert prejudice.

I also consider Atlanta and Georgia to be my responsibility in a "take care of your own house" kind of way. I will not abandon it to go somewhere that might be more friendly to me and people like me; I will stay here and make it better.

And I identify with Georgia specifically because of our trees. No other place I have been has had so many trees, and Atlanta's nickname is the City in a Forest. I treasure and worship trees and love that Georgia has so many.

tree-hugger

I mean this literally and figuratively. Literally, I love trees more than almost anyone I know (I only come in second to a professional tree-lover: a botanist/naturalist who has catalogued hundreds of trees in Atlanta and Georgia). I read about them and practice identifying them for fun, I connect with them on a deep level and almost all my travel desires are about trees I want to meet. Figuratively, I try to create as little waste as possible by reducing the waste I create, reusing as much as possible, and recycling carefully.

vegetarian

I am a vegetarian because it takes much more resources to raise animals than to raise plants. It is also very very expensive to eat ethically raised or wild-caught animals and I just don't like meat enough to try and keep meat-processing microbes alive in my body, but neither do I want to contribute to harm caused to animals by buying from unethical sources. HOWEVER this is not about right/wrong, it is about reduction of harm. Why I am vegetarian but do not recommend it for everyone and why I won't ever go vegan.

I have learned the hard way how to supplement and if someone can't afford $50 a month in supplements as well as healthy proteins, they can't afford to be vegetarian. And being vegan can be bad for the planet in a lot of ways and is not a nutritionally sound choice for the vast majority of people, since you need either a lot of spare time and research skills or to hire a nutritionist to know how to supplement all the needed nutrients.

nudist

Simply put, I hate being forced to wear clothes and if I could get away with it I would be naked all the time except when it was cold or for occasional dress-up. I reject the idea that nudity is sexual; for me, it is simply the default human state.

About 7 years ago, I learned that most cat food contains ingredients that are bad for cats. I've since picked up some additional knowledge that I want to share. I'm no expert, but it is almost impossible to find good information as the only "healthy cat" information out there seems aimed at rich people, so this is what I've pieced together. In general, cats are healthiest on an all-wet-food diet but if you're poor (like me) that ain't happenin. Here's what to look for when you're figuring out what to get:

Seek out:

1) meat as the first ingredient and preferably the first 2-3 ingredients (if it has 'meal' after it, it does not count as meat: that's including ground bone & skin).
2) food with the highest protein & fat percentages (as long as your cat is pretty active).

Avoid (if you can't avoid it entirely, choose the option that has them listed later on in the ingredients (they're ordered by proportion):

1) avoid anything that has meat by-products listed as an ingredient. Not only are these gross, but they can make your cat food go rancid and then your cat either won't eat it or will get sick.
2) avoid corn and grains. Corn and grains will make your cat eat more because they are not getting enough nutrition; eventually your cat may get diabetes because of this.
3) avoid vegetables in the first few ingredients, especially especially high-carbohydrate ones. Some high-fiber veggies like peas can actually be good, especially on an all-dry diet, but it should be a fairly low percent.

It is not necessarily the more expensive the better: Iams is just horrible and costs more than Maxximum, for instance. Also, when you buy the food with less filler, cats eat less, so the cost isn't as big of a difference as you might think.

Relatedly:

* When cats are kittens, feed them regular, recommended amounts, and don't give extra. Once they are very used to this, you can just fill the bowl and leave it and (usually) they will only eat what they need. As long as they are getting enough exercise they should be fine.
* Cats need daily exercise; if you play with them with toys while they are kittens they will continue to play when they are older, but if they don't get this early training they may not be active enough to be fully healthy as an adult.
* When cats are over 7 years old, they'll probably need wet food as well as dry or else they might end up with urinary tract blockages, because they don't have much of a thirst drive.
* Tuna fish is bad for cats due to high mercury content and can cause nerve problems as cats age.

I order my cat food via Amazon because it's significantly cheaper that way. For wet food, I get Natural Balance Platefulls and mix it with Rachael Ray Nutrish Natural (I don't recommend the Rachael Ray, but if I just give Kanika the healthy stuff they won't eat it more than once a week, and that's not enough to keep UTIs away) and for dry food I get Blue Buffalo Sensitive Stomach and mix it with Merrick Purrfect Bistro Healthy Kitten (because of good ingredients, relatively low price (it's usually about $15 for 7lbs), and good protein/fat/etc ratio). I give wet food every other day (because I can't afford every day) and leave dry food out at all times. If money wasn't an issue, I'd probably make other choices (no 'chicken meal' and no grains at all), but these are the ones I feel like I can manage.

I went to Euphoria and camped with Topaz, Kylei, Heather, Brian, and Hope. It was a mix of pleasant and irritating, leaning a little to the irritating side. The best bits were sitting around the fire talking with people, smoking hookah with Topaz while petting Evelyn's hair, running an 'intimacy roulette' game, having people gift me and Topaz with exactly what we wanted, giving Rocky a meaningful hug when I came across them seeming in need of one, kissing Topaz, and kissing Evelyn.

The worst bits were our hugely inconsiderate dudebro neighbors who made loud noise and pointed floodlights at our tent all night, the unbelievably selfish shitsop who squeezed in front of me at the burn itself and blocked all my vision with their body which was a foot and a half taller than me, witnessing far too much waste and ableism, and getting sunburnt. I really was not expecting to get burnt because 1) I had been taking vitamin D religiously, and 2) I stayed in the shade the entire time. But I think that I didn't absorb what I had been taking, because I've been taking zinc and apparently it blocks magnesium sometimes, which is necessary for absorption of D (if I understood what I read on it). I started taking magnesium daily since then, and the purple-pink has turned tan far, FAR quicker than usual, so that's good at least. I ordered a calcium-magnesium supplement to balance out the zinc, and copper because the zinc I currently have doesn't contain copper and zinc can deplete copper. I recently started taking iron too, because I found a vegetarian source and I know that it is unlikely I get enough from my diet. Once all this stuff arrives I have to figure out what not to take with what, bleh. Never thought I'd be taking a bunch of supplements every day -- but I only take what I can actually feel an effect from, with the exception of these new minerals and curcumin, which I take because I've read that it helps with dementia, both prevention and cure.


I talked with Topaz after and realized that the reason I go to burns is purely to skill-share and/or for art. If I was not going to do that, I wouldn't be motivated enough to go, because I've never met a person at a burn who became important to me. Even though I have a lot of burner friends, I've met all of them in some other way. (technically I met Seth at a burn I think, but I met Seth through Abby so the burn was just a convenience) Other reasons to go to a burn are not relevant to me because they are already part of my daily life: self-expression, nudity, play, cuddles. For a lot of people burns are where they can really be themselves and feel accepted, but accepting me would require a lot of learning that people do not do, so I never feel accepted (it is nice that people try, but there's not much that can be done in the moment).

I go to burns because I like that people there are often willing to try new things, and so if I bring a skill I think will help make the world better and people are willing to practice, I can make change there in a way that is not possible elsewhere. This time I felt like I did kind of a bad job with planning, and that meant that the intimacy game I made did not reach many people, but it was still worthwhile. I think the few strangers that came and participated appreciated it.

In other news I have a temporary housemate, Serenity (also called Twilight) who has been WONDERFUL to have around. They were in need of a place to stay and I had a room which wasn't being used so I offered it to them. I didn't ask for anything, but they have cooked for me four times (delicious healthy vegetarian meals) since they got here 10 days ago, and have done dishes and swept! Also, having them around as a tidy person helps me to be better about tidying also, so the kitchen table is usable again for the first time in ages. And they wanted to craft which got me crafting too -- now I have a new project half-done that I think I will actually complete soon. They have a service dog who is INCREDIBLY sweet and Kanika is slowly adjusting to them. I am really enjoying having them stay with me. We've talked a lot and I feel a lot of resonance with them.

I saw my psychiatrist earlier this week and talked about my symptoms and how I felt like I have anxiety. They said that it does sound like that, and mentioned that when I first came to see them (September 2012) I scored a 37 on the social anxiety scale and my latest one was a 92. I was somewhat surprised but it also made perfect sense, as I have seen my ability to handle social slowly slip away. It's hard to tell because it's always somewhat stressful - it's a matter of the quantity of the feeling rather than the quality.

We talked about meds and they said that they'd prefer to prescribe sertraline, but that mirtazapine should work and it would be fine to try that, as it's a relatively safe drug. I feel so very grateful to have a doctor who listens to me and doesn't try to push me towards what they think is best. I do my homework about brain-altering meds, and while I am sure that sertraline isn't the exact same as citalopram, they're both SSRIs and I suspect that sertraline would make me feel numb too (which I find very depressing and wish to avoid!).

So my doc prescribed the mirtazapine and gave me instructions to step down my bupropion while stepping up the new med. Now I'm off bupropion and just on mirtazapine, waiting for it to build up in my system because apparently it takes 1-3 weeks for full effect.

I immediately felt an effect on my reaction to stress. Right after I took it the first time, I almost knocked over my toothbrush holder and when I did, I felt a jolt of adrenaline that didn't make me feel awful. Usually anything that sparks adrenaline makes me feel edgy and angry and shaky for a good while after, I think because it's like it's scraping the bottom of the barrel. But this felt so different, almost good. And since then I have noticed that happening again and again, where adrenaline has a whole new feeling in my head and doesn't make me feel sick and like I want to attack things. I also realized how ridiculously often throughout the day I get startled and stressed. Unexpected noises do it, even nice ones. I am constantly on alert. I can tell when the meds start to wear off because I will have a startle response that doesn't come with that almost-pleasant split-second-dizzy feeling. I can't tell you what a relief it is to not have bad adrenaline responses all day long. This would be worth it just for that effect, and the energy I save from not having to avoid and fight off my bad adrenaline responses may be enough, alone, to build back my ability to be social. I am still hoping for more help than this though.

It has a somnolent effect, so it is supposed to be taken before bed. Since I take a stimulant for ADD mid-day, I am taking 1/4th of the pill with that medication and the other 3/4ths at night. So far it seems to be working well that way, but I am going to have to be more careful to get enough sleep because if I miss an hour of sleep after taking this I feel SO SLEEPY. It also has an effect on my metabolism, bringing back my appetite - which is great because my ADD meds suppress it and then I don't eat, which makes my ADD worse and is generally bad for me. I feel like this med will help me to be more healthy just by pushing me to better sleeping and eating habits.

My tribe's Solstice celebration was this Saturday (since few could do a weekday) and it was amaaaaazing. Really, the best so far, so cozy and relaxed and lovely.

kmiotutsie (Kat) and their friend Summer arrived early, and even though they had just done a huge drive they offered to drive me as I ran a billion errands, and I got to catch up talking with them. I think Kat and I actually have a connection I hadn't realized before, a mind connection, because we finish each other's sentences and are rarely wrong. It's actually a relief to me because my ADD-PI often makes it hard to find the word.

We started by making a billion foods together - not a planned part of the gather but hardigrin (Heather) and I hadn't made our stuff yet oops. Kat and Sydney and Summer helped with all the chopping and washing and stuff - it was busy but surprisingly not stressful. We finished about the time that the rest of the people showed up - it was me, Topaz, Sydney, Kat, Summer, Heather, Kylei, rextrocular(Abby), jaime_blue (Jaime), Allison, and Jonathan.

Once we finished prep, we vidchatted Cass in (they were ill and couldn't attend) and then Topaz read us the story they wrote and illustrated about the Solstice Raccoon. It was unbelievably cute and everyone loved it and awwwwed at it! Then we had delicious food (Topaz made fruit cream tarts, Heather made roasted vegetables, Allison made rice & veggies & (separate) chicken, and I made my superfood dip) and opened presents!

I gave Heather a set of 3 cobalt blue stemmed glasses and a painting of a winter scene; Abby a large print of my "Gate to Tulgey Wood" framed and matted (I repurposed a frame & mat); Allison a mix CD of some of my favorite artists' songs that spoke to me about them; Topaz three pendants (a fox, a palm tree, and a microscope), a set of postcards that look like old fashioned flower seed packets, a tin with butterflies on it, tools for nail art, a tiny ceramic grey fox, and a hanayama metal puzzle (equa); Kylei four skirts (a twirly sleek pink one and three short colorful cotton ones) and a lamp with a base that looks like a country hill with buildings and plants and all; Jaime a canvas print of camellias with metal scroll work on top and bottom; and Sydney a sunflower light switch plate, a tiny metal teapot with butterflies on it, and a sun catcher made of meaningful stone beads and green glass. I also had a gift for Cass (a miniature Dali art print), but that had to wait of course.

Topaz gave me a plush Alice in Wonderland book (with the best quote on the back "I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then"), a cloudy-rainbow leopard print blanket, an 'adoption' of a snow leopard cub from the Snow Leopard Trust, a moisture-wicking pillowcase that they fabric-markered my favorite quotes on one side and drew my name and three favorite shapes (tree, teardrop, & 5-pointed star) on the other side, and (a few days ago) tickets to see Eddie Izzard! Heather gave me the softest spring green blanket (I cuddled it like a kitten), a bookmark of art from a social justice artist, and a dragonfly hook (which I am excited to use as my jacket-hanger). Allison gave me a 'rift' (part of an art project of theirs that represents portals into another world) which had inexplicably turned violet (which I found super magical) and the solstice card from last year which had the sweetest things written in it. Cass gave me a wire tree with jasper leaves and rocks in the bottom (that they had collected!) and a letter which was wonderfully thoughtful. Sydney painted me a little box and inside were mushrooms! made from acorns with the caps glued on the pointy end and painted with colors and spots -- so adorable. Abby gave me an incense burner that is a flat circle with a tree outline etched in it, four sticks of incense wood, and a roll of tie-dye duct tape. I felt very loved and understood by all these presents *heartglow* I also felt incredibly happy with several presents between other people. Topaz gave Abby a pillowcase which everyone wrote sweet love notes on so that they could have a physical object to be reminded of our love as they live far away. Heather gave Abby a shawl-loop (no idea what to call that) that was in just their colors. Topaz gave Allison an anti-migraine treat box full of safe candies with no dye or hfcs. Allison gave Topaz a tiny tin with 3D-looking space inside and a hand-painted Mars!

Over the course of the evening there were new cuddles that made me happy -- Topaz with Abby and Kylei with Sydney. I love getting to witness people growing closer. I played with Sydney's hair for a while and cuddled with Abby some but overall, the evening went by so very fast! I guess I was expecting it to start earlier or go later, but it was a lovely time anyhow. Abby got tired first and went off to bed and Jaime and Allison and Jonathan had to go home, and me, Kylei, Kat, Summer, Sydney, and Heather played a little truth-or-truth (Topaz was absorbed with their metal puzzle, which I wisely saved for the last present after previous years when the same thing happened). It didn't last very long because people got tired but it was good and connected.

This morning people got up much earlier than Topaz and I did, and shortly after we woke, Kat came and scratched and meowed at the door cutely and then a few minutes later Abby came and asked if they could come in. I left it up to Topaz as they are more timid than I am and they hemmed and hawed and muttered 'yesbutonlyoutside' and I translated that Abby could come cuddle with us but outside the covers, and so they did. I was in the middle and for most of the time they were laying on their sides facing me (Abby propped on an elbow) and I had my arms around each of them stroking their hair. It was so comfortable and happy and relaxed.

After we got up everyone gathered and wrote down what from the past year we wanted to get rid of. We gathered 'round my weird little metal vase outside and lit a fire in it and took turns burning our papers. Kylei wanted to go widdershins around the circle and have each person say something aloud, so we did. Kylei started it off with a poetic spell, and Topaz ended the circle with something like "fuck this!" It was perfect. At one point we started to hear a crackling noise and got pretty concerned, and it smelled bad -- Kat said the glaze was burning off. But it wasn't too bad and by the time everyone had put their paper in it had stopped. I'm gonna burn in it at least once before next time and I think after that there won't be anything terrible. I was worried that everyone would be bothered but I think I was the one most bothered (except maybe Topaz). I stayed out for a little bit after everyone went in, tossing in dead leaves and watching them burn, stirring to use up the rest of the coals.

Kat, Summer, Heather, and Abby left around noon and me and Sydney and Kylei and Topaz hung out. Topaz made us breakfast as they are wont to do, and we all just talked. We had some great cuddles -- Kylei, me, and Topaz sat on the couch and Sydney lounged across us and got hair pets from Kylei, back rubs from me, and calf massage from Topaz. After Sydney left, Topaz played Alice: Madness Returns while Kylei and I watched (so stressful, but so beautiful).

At one point I had a miscommunication with Heather and Cass via text that got me very upset, and Kylei and Topaz gave me pets and reassurance. I worked it out after that but at first I couldn't deal and just lay in bed and cried. I felt like my reaction was out of proportion, but I'm not sure why I had such a strong reaction. Usually I can figure it out... the closest I can get is maybe it hit that nerve of being left out of a family event? And I definitely have trauma around being left out of things that are important to me. I wasn't deliberately left out, but due to technical issues that was what I experienced.

Overall it was a beautiful evening but I think we need to start earlier next year and make sure that we do pre-Solstice introductions and meetings so that everyone at least knows four people who will be there. And figure out a way to speed up gift-giving because this year was too spread out -- I think maybe passing them all out at the beginning and then going in a rough circle with opening them would be better because the getting up and picking something and handing it to the person took up a lot of time (even though it was SO fun).

This year I did fortune cookies instead of the stone pull because I had not the money for stones *sadface* but that was pretty fun! They weren't as spot-on as the stones by a long shot but there was one or two that seemed very apropos.

(from Topaz) What, if anything, do you think you've learned FROM me; And, what, if anything, do you feel you've learned from being with me; And, what, if any, big things have you learned since we got together?

Ummm... I have learned a huge lot and my memory is full of holes, so I'm not even gonna try to make this comprehensive.

From you?
I have learned what media really means. I learned that even hostile anti-theists can have understandings of the world that fit with my spiritual beliefs. I learned that nail polish can be butch. I learned that chameleoning can be a powerful tool against oppression and that it doesn't always touch your soul. I learned that Carl Sagan is wonderful, and that wonder is a core value of mine. I learned about and came to love Michael Jackson, M.I.A., Lowkey, Melissa Ferrick, Sonia Leigh, and Ani Difranco. I learned that I dearly love giving presents to people who love getting them and have a variety of interests. I learned that sometimes, doing dishes can be worth it. I learned that I can enjoy cauliflower. I learned that I like many kinds of sex that I hadn't been interested in before. I learned that sometimes climbing a mountain is not the worst thing. I learned what a migraine is, and why it is so not the same as a really bad headache.

From being with you?
I've learned to be more patient with communication, and that 'I can't tell you yet' is not necessarily code for 'I'm going to put this off until you forget.' I learned that I can't deal with much indirect communication, and I learned how to respond to it in a useful way. I learned that I really love sweetness. I learned that I can ask for what I want without fear of pressuring someone into giving it. I learned that I really value (maybe need) independence in a lover, mixed with willingness to express needs and desires. I learned that I can brush someone's hair for literal hours, and that I miss having hair long enough to brush.

Overall big things?
I learned I don't believe in an afterlife or in spanking (both from logical conversations with you). I learned a ridiculously huge amount about racism, cissexism, ableism, and oppression in general. I learned that I have talent in stats. I learned that my ADD is bad enough that I can't really function without meds. I learned that my fractals are beautiful to more people than just me. I learned that I suck at picking people and need to get input from my insightful friends. I learned that LJ is still alive and that I can be 'in' it like I did years ago. I learned that I can motivate myself to do things with colorful stickers. I learned that my mental health is negatively affected when I don't eat breakfast and lunch. I learned that I can forge on ahead with something completely new, even when my future rests on that thing. I learned that parts of my biofamily are kinda great and that my bioparent M is the most selfish person I've known. I learned that I need group focus time as well as one-on-one. I've learned that I need for my lover(s) to combine specific compliments with touch for me to feel desirable or aesthetically pleasing. I learned that nourishing connections are increasingly difficult for me to find. I learned that similarity of inner self or similarity of overall goals doesn't make a connection nourishing: that I need connections with people who are on a growth spiral and not too far away from me. I learned that my privilege as a colonizer race means that it would be inappropriate for me to profit from doing spiritual healings or divination (since I only have access to these things due to historical and modern spiritual theft). I learned that I can build spiritual practice that is more growth-inducing, challenging, and meaningful for me than any externally-created practice I have come across.

--

-- content warning: possibly triggering for those with disordered eating / eating disorders. talk of restriction, dieting, fat - ENTIRE POST-

First let me say, I do not take my own advice because I don't mind being fat and I don't like eating enough to eat more often (I tend towards one small snack and one big meal a day which can be bad for you, as you'll see if you read on). Secondly, this is more about what NOT to do than what to do. and lastly, take this as a starting point; I am not an expert.

Kay, so there is a shitton of misinformation out there about how to take care of your body and how to change the fat amount on your body. Do not believe anyone who tells you you can restrict your calories in order to lose fat permanently. That much is proven to be bullshit despite the fact that many people insist it's true. Restricting can take some fat off but if that is your sole method, it will come back not too far down the road. Read any good study on dieting and you will learn that it does not work. Why?

Because your body is a machine that is designed to protect you from starvation. There is a hormone called cortisol which will tell your body to retain as many energy stores as possible: it says, "store fat and don't burn it!" This hormone is activated by two things (among others I'd imagine): stress and low blood sugar. When you restrict, you activate this hormone and make your body more likely to store than to burn. It is incredibly counterproductive to restrict: even if you lose some fat at first, as this hormone builds up it will make you retain fat again.

Cortisol is also the reason that it is not only looksist to be anti-fat, it is sexist, racist, ableist, etc. Being oppressed is a constant stress that you cannot escape. Oppressed peoples often don't have access to healthier food and don't have spare energy or time to spend on working out, AND are under much more stress than people without those oppressions. People's bodies often change a great deal in how much they retain fat due to how much stress they are enduring. You can actually be eating a starvation-level diet and gain weight (so I have heard from people who have been through anorexia) because your body is so damn good at holding on when it thinks you are in danger.

Also, according to my nutrition prof, only fat gets stored. Proteins get used or shat out if you eat more than you need. Carbs only increase your body fat if you are also consuming fat, because the carbs are burned first and then if you don't have enough activity to need them, the fats are just stored. Eating fewer carbs just means that the fat you eat is more likely to get used. Carbs are your body's favorite, and complex carbohydrates are the best for healthy, lasting energy. (I have also been told that carbs can be stored as fat, so my nutrition prof may have been off - but that is a case of excess)

So my logical takeaway from this is that if I wanted to lose fat, I would need to practice as many anti-stress things as I know to do, as well as maintaining my blood sugar throughout the day and consuming less fat. Every 3 hours I would eat a small meal of mostly raw fruits and vegetables, and I would try to avoid ever getting actually hungry. I would try to be more active by doing anything that got my heart rate up. I would meditate daily and make sure to get outside for at least 30 minutes a day. I would drink damiana tea w cinnamon every day because that decreases my stress both in the ritual and in the substance. I would avoid any sugars except for fruit sugar and honey. Probably other things too, but you get the point.

I checked with a health professional friend of mine just to be sure I wasn't way off and they told me the advice they give for people who want to lose fat (tailored to the person and situation since not everyone can walk, for instance):

"breathe. ... recommend a few YouTube relaxation videos to them. Drink water. Drink tea - green tea is great for your metabolism. Eat a balance of foods but make the majority of your plate fruit/veg. Lean proteins. Decrease carbs and sugar. Walk 30 minutes per day minimum. Laugh. And never ever ever beat yourself up if you splurge on a burger and a milkshake. Because it's about balance - life is about balance."


If you think that fat = unhealthy, read this entire article and all the links before you say anything to me about fat: These are the Fat FAQs. And just one quick note: BMI is bullshit, based on literally zero science as was never intended to measure health. It also changed significantly due to social reasons with again no science, no excuse. Weight cannot tell you about health. Correlation =/= causation. There are a million possible lurking variables, not the least of which is stress.

( love memory bank )

Gonna try to get back in the habit!

I'm gonna attempt to write more often and to bolster this effort, I'm gonna try to write daily summaries if I don't already have something else written. I hope that this doesn't make my LJ boring or make people less likely to comment on more substantial posts - but even so, I'm gonna act out of desire rather than avoid out of fear. I'm gonna use this template: what happened, what it meant, overall emotional arc, & realizations (what I learned, realized, or remembered, if anything significant).

Early this morning Tasha came over to visit their cat Cupcake, who is staying in my basement room right now because Tasha can't keep them where they live and can't move yet. I stayed up way too late last night so after I unlocked the door for them I went back to bed. When I did get up I scurried out of the house to get groceries before truth-or-truth started (and made really good time running from one end of the store to the other). I felt bad about sleeping in but I felt really accomplished that I managed to get everything done in time.

At 3 I set up the truth-or-truth videochat and J and Aubrey and I started but neither of them had video so it was mostly like a call. Then Elizabeth came in (text only) and a little later Jaime joined in person. The experience was slightly awkward technologically but everyone was patient and so I didn't feel guilty. Whenever someone gets frustrated with technological difficulties I feel guilty for some reason I don't quite understand. But I didn't feel bad. Also everyone came up with such great questions and overall it was super nourishing and I am really happy everyone was able to come!

Afterward Jaime and I had a brief planning chat about the trans-centric gather we're having next week, and then they left. I feel really good about the fact that Jaime wanted to create this and is using my space to do it. I'd love to have all kinds of gathers at my house (as long as they weren't oppressive of course).

I made myself a smoothie for the first time in what seems like years. Topaz bought me a double-walled 30oz cup w straw and lid the other day and I think that made me feel able to make smoothies again, which is great because it's a way for me to consume more fresh fruits and veggies. I want to get chocolate whey protein and also start making smoothies with spinach or kale. In an odd way I feel like I was creatively blocked and am not any more.

Then I gathered my things and went to Topaz', where we watched netflix and made brownies. I put a SHITTON of Topaz' fresh mint in my corner of the pan and it turned out delicious! I brushed, combed, and played with Topaz' hair for a good while and then braided it.

Overall, I started the day with worry and rushing, then moved to happiness and nourishment, then rest and comfort. Soon, I'll get ready for bed and have some cuddles.

I remembered that when I was a kid I practiced expressions in the mirror, and was often read as hostile because my relaxed lip shape points down at the ends. I now get comments on how expressive my face is, but that was a thing I trained into myself as a means of communicating with others.

Also, I was thinking about autism and how it's looked at as a dysfunction, but I could see how it could be an evolutionary adaptation to an environment that is unacceptably busy and fake. Perhaps our species is evolving to be less prone to / capable of this capitalist bullshit because it's terrible for everyone. Or maybe I'm just universalizing my own feeling of increased safety around people on the autism spectrum.

I told Anika that I'd compile a list of my dietary restrictions, avoidances, and preferences, and figured I might as well share.

( the nopes )

( preferences, favorite ingredients, and other things I often eat )

favorite meals (all best with NO oil or butter, or as little as possible):
tacos/burritos/salad w salsa and a shitton of raw veggies, plus beans and mushrooms
lasagne (almost never get a good one -- they all have those mushy squash or zucchini UGH)
chili (almost never get a good one -- it's like people don't know how to flavor and thicken without meat)
paninis (warm crunchy sandwiches mmm)
pizza! with fine-cut broccoli, black olives, spinach, roma tomatoes, banana peppers, red onions, portabella mushrooms, & roasted red peppers.
veggie soups, especially fresh, thin ones w lots of fine-chopped veggies
thick chunky tomato soup with brie on rye toast
thin pastas (angel hair or rice noodles) w lots of tomato sauce and added veggies/mushrooms
cheese w lots of raw veggies, herbs, and whole grain crackers or bread.
smoothies w fruits, peanut butter (w no oils, salt or sugar added) or whey protein, whole milk yogurt.

favorite desserts:
super-gingery ginger cookies and hot spicy tea
spearmint (NOT peppermint) gelato or ice cream w as little sugar and few bits of chocolate as possible
chopped fruits and Topaz' fruit goop (a mix of cream, soft cheese, and sugar)
dark dark chocolate bar w ginger bits (I savor this in small bits -- usually have 1/8th to 1/6th of a bar at a time)
lime sherbert (or it would be, if I could find some that didn't have too much sugar)
sheer bliss pomegranate ice cream w dark chocolate bits (not sure if it still exists, haven't found it in stores in years. but most pomegranate ice cream has WAYYYYYYYY too much sugar because people try to overwhelm the tartness)

Considering that food bars make up probably at least 1/4th of my diet, I have significant experience with them. So here, have a pile of reviews, rated by overall impression, protein-to-sugar ratio, meal or snack, and ingredient purity. They don't even get tried if they have HFCS, so this should be free of that entirely, except under the powerbar non-recommended list. First, the ones I recommend:

Raw Revolution Organic Live Food Bars (Spirulina Cashew and Chocolate Cashew are my favs)
Overall: heavy brownie texture, great taste, not too dense, all raw, feels good to the system. Only get spirulina if you like 'green' taste, though.
Protein-to-sugar ratio: varies between 47 and 58 (C not F because it's just fruit juices, which your body is much happier with)
Meal/snack: meal, but short term -- instead of waiting 5-6 hours for the next meal I'll need to eat again in 3-4
Purity: no soy, gluten, GMO, or added sugar, all organic: A++

Journey Savory bars (I've only had the Pizza Marinara so far)
Overall: delicious! it took me eating 2 to get used to the texture (like a slightly fluffier fig newton without the filling), but it's super tasty. It is also delicate, so if you don't want it to crumble, don't just jam it in your bag like I do. Genuinely tastes like pizza.
Protein-to-sugar ratio: 100 (A++!)
Meal/snack: meal -- even though it's only 5 g of protein, it's 12g whole grains, so it's lasting energy
Purity: Soy-free, non-GMO, no added sugar, vegan, but possible gluten [oats]: (A)

Bumblebar (I've tried the lushus lemon and chai almond)
Overall: delicious, easy to eat (not dense/dry), but if you don't like sesame seeds don't try them, as that's the main ingredient. Soft nutty texture.
Protein-to-sugar ratio: 75 to 88 (C to B) and there are several varieties that get 100s
Meal/snack: snack, but short term -- instead of waiting 5-6 hours for the next meal I'll need to eat again in 3-4
Purity: added sugar, soy, but gluten free, non-gmo, and organic: (B)

PowerBar Nut Naturals : Fruit & Nuts (the other two nut naturals flavors are okay too)
Overall: easy to eat (not dense/dry), the best ratio I've found, lots of energy, decent flavor, crunchy nutty texture.
Protein-to-sugar ratio: 111 (A+++)
Meal/snack: meal.
Purity: contains soy, added sugar, milk, possible gluten [oats]: (C)

Kashi TLC Chewy Granola Bar, Dark Mocha Almond (the other chewy flavors are good but don't have as good a ratio)
Overall: yummy, easy to eat (not dense but a little dry), good protein ratio, bad purity, crunchy nutty texture.
Protein-to-sugar ratio: 100 (A+)
Meal/snack: snack (you'll need 2 to make a meal)
Purity: Gluten, Soy, added sugar, milk: (C)

Odwalla Chewy Nut Bars, Sweet & Salty Almond
Overall: easy to eat (not dense but a little dry), good flavor, crunchy nutty texture.
Protein-to-sugar ratio: 88 (B)
Meal/snack: meal
Purity: No GMO, but added sugar, a small amount of soy, possible gluten: (B)


Pure Organic Raw Fruit and Nuts: Banana Coconut, Wild Blueberry, Chocolate Brownie, Dark Chocolate Berry
Overall: dense (brownie texture) and sweet, but good, tastes like a treat.
Protein-to-sugar ratio: between 28 and 47, but it's all fruit sugar, so (C)
Meal/snack: snack. (I like eating one of these with one of the Kashi chewy bars to make a meal)
Purity: gluten free, organic, non-gmo, no added sugar, soy-free: (A)

If you want to buy them cheaply, go for bulk on drugstore.com and sign up for the mailing list -- about three times a year they have a 20% off their already-good prices on "green and natural" which includes all of these, and anytime you buy more than $35 worth, you get free shipping. I also get things like toothpaste and vitamins there because the prices are better than walmart or kroger.

and the ones I don't recommend:

Odwalla Original (example is Superfood but I ate every variety)
Overall: Good but dense, some of the flavors were way too sweet, heavy brownie texture.
Protein-to-sugar ratio: 18 for superfood, but it's fruit sugars, so (C) 71 for chocolate peanut butter which includes added sugar and palm oil :-/
Meal/snack: meal.
Purity: No gmo or added sugar (in the superfood flavor anyway), but includes soy and gluten: C

KIND Plus Nutrition Plus Nutrition Bars, Blueberry Pecan + Fiber (I've tried a few others which were even more sweet)
Overall: very sweet, easy to eat otherwise. very soft nutty texture.
Protein-to-sugar ratio: 70 (C)
Meal/snack: snack.
Purity: added sugar, soy, non-gmo, gluten-free: (B)

Kashi -- GoLean Crisp, Crunchy Granola, Soft and Chewy, Cereal Bars
Overall: delicious but not good for you, eat it like a cookie not like a meal.
Protein-to-sugar ratio: 50-75 (F to C)
Meal/snack: snack.
Purity: Soy, added sugar, palm oil, milk, corn, gluten: (F to C)

Clif (example is Chocolate Chip Peanut Crunch, but I ate many varieties):
Overall: VERY dense. I had to drink at least a pint of water to get a whole one eaten. Flavor was good though. texture kinda like a really dense burger.
Protein-to-sugar ratio: 52 (F)
Meal/snack: definitely a meal, maybe a meal and a half.
Purity: contains soy, gluten, added sugar: C

Luna (example is lemon zest, but I ate many varieties)
Overall: VERY sweet, enough to hurt my teeth. Good flavor otherwise, good texture, not too dense. rice crispy texture
Protein-to-sugar ratio: 77 (C) (either they've decreased the sugar since I last ate it 3 years ago, or it tastes sweeter than it is)
Meal/snack: meal.
Purity: contains soy, gluten, palm oil, added sugar: F

PowerBar -- Harvest, Triple Threat, Pure and Simple, Fruit Smoothie, Performance, Protein Plus
Overall: too sweet, too dense, not tasty (except Fruit Smoothie which has way too much sugar)
Protein-to-sugar ratio: varies between 40 and 85, usually closer to 40. (F to B)
Meal/snack: meal
Purity: soy, palm oil, corn syrup (some varieties), gluten, added sugars, milk: (F)

Pure Protein High Protein Bar, Chocolate Peanut Butter
Overall: too dense, too full of bad stuff, but the flavor was okay.
Protein-to-sugar ratio: 258 (A)
Meal/snack: meal and a half
Purity: hydrolyzed collagen!! (from animal hides/bones), soy, added sugar, milk (F)

I went grocery shopping today with a list (on my phone via colornote, it's awesome) and coupons loaded on my Kroger card, and WOW that was satisfying. And now I feel so good about life, so safe and so taken care of, just knowing that there is food in my kitchen. I've realized that to perform good self-care, I need to go grocery shopping once a week (when I can afford it), instead of waiting until I have nothing left in the house but crackers and condiments. It is hugely draining and depressing to me to know that I have very little food, and yet spending money stresses me out so much that I avoid going to get food even when I can actually afford it. This is so counterproductive, but it's almost a compulsion; it's like I think if I avoid going shopping, maybe I can make my food last longer. The only way I can think to make sure that doesn't happen is to go shopping once a week. That's the best way to find cheap stuff anyway; so, new goal for me.

My body's been changing shape lately. I find this really fascinating, especially when I remember how I used to react. When I first started loving my body, I did so by attaching my identity to the way I looked right then, so any change would set off a panic -- it made me feel out of control, like my identity was slipping away from me. I think I used to feel that a body shouldn't change shape or size -- that everyone had one particular look they were supposed to have their entire adult life (which is, of course, bullshit, as most people change a lot). But now? when my body changes, I watch it with curiosity and anticipation, like I'd watch an artist paint. I love that my body constantly shifts.

( body shifts! I may be the only person who spends at LEAST ten minutes a day admiring myself naked in the mirror )

Feeling the increase in energy and stamina as I've been more active has reminded me that I want to regain my strength. I want to get some weights and build up my arms and back enough to do handstands and cartwheels again (even if that means I'll have to get a mega-squish sports bra and pants). I want to regain my flexibility too, because it affects my movements so distinctly -- when flexible I play with movement a lot more.

Also Greta randomly told me I have pretty hands, which surprised me because my hands are the one thing that I don't at all find attractive about myself. I don't hate them anymore, but they're probably my least-favorite feature (though I think my fingernails are pretty). So that made me happy, and brought me a little closer to liking them. ;-)

( blah-de-blah about eating habits )

and I need a new curvygirl icon because this one is over a year old! who wants to take photos of me and let me direct? :D

My body's been changing shape lately. I find this really fascinating, especially when I remember how I used to react. When I first started loving my body, I did so by attaching my identity to the way I looked right then, so any change would set off a panic -- it made me feel out of control, like my identity was slipping away from me. I think I used to feel that a body shouldn't change shape or size -- that everyone had one particular look they were supposed to have their entire adult life (which is, of course, bullshit, as most people change a lot). But now? when my body changes, I watch it with curiosity and anticipation, like I'd watch an artist paint. I love that my body constantly shifts.

( body shifts! I may be the only person who spends at LEAST ten minutes a day admiring myself naked in the mirror )

Feeling the increase in energy and stamina as I've been more active has reminded me that I want to regain my strength. I want to get some weights and build up my arms and back enough to do handstands and cartwheels again (even if that means I'll have to get a mega-squish sports bra and pants). I want to regain my flexibility too, because it affects my movements so distinctly -- when flexible I play with movement a lot more.

Also Greta randomly told me I have pretty hands, which surprised me because my hands are the one thing that I don't at all find attractive about myself. I don't hate them anymore, but they're probably my least-favorite feature (though I think my fingernails are pretty). So that made me happy, and brought me a little closer to liking them. ;-)

( blah-de-blah about eating habits )

and I need a new curvygirl icon because this one is over a year old! who wants to take photos of me and let me direct? :D

Until I was 8 years old, my parents had a huge vegetable garden. Not one of those puny 6-foot-square ones, but one that was about 3/4ths the length of our doublewide trailer, and just as wide. We had corn, green beans, all kinds of peppers, okra, tomatoes, squash, zucchini, cucumbers, and more (I can't remember it all). I'm not really sure how my parents (mostly Pat -- M did the tilling and Pat did most everything else) managed to make it all grow in red clay (without using compost!!!), but they did. I loved walking among the rows, especially when the corn was tall enough to give shade (I lived about three hours south of where I do now -- 10 degrees hotter, most days). I found it absolutely magical that you could put seeds in the dirt and get food! And Pat made the most amazing pickles (both dill and bread-n-butter, mmm) and pepper sauce from them.

Later we moved away from deep country to the suburbs and my parents became more concerned with making the front yard look 'pretty' than with growing food. M would till, and I would be assigned tasks like picking rocks out of the tilled soil, hauling dirt, and digging holes, while Pat did all the designing and plant-choosing. I started hating 'working in the yard' as they called it; I was not allowed to design or participate in any fun tasks like planting, just the dull drudge work. And for my efforts I got to look at flowers (which have never been important to me anyway, and Pat chose ones that were orange and pink, two colors I dislike). So I associated gardening with useless, unrewarding drudgery.

Last year, on a whim, I ordered a black willow tree baby off of ebay. Seeing a skinny little stick worried me at first -- I thought it was dead. Watching it tentatively put out its first leaves was a revelation; it reminded me of how plant care could be. Here was magic. Seeing little changes every day was so THRILLING to me! I can imagine that if I had a garden I would get the most intense joy out of caring for plants and having them reward me with yummy peppers and tomatoes! Taking the little explosion-of-life-energy that is a seed and placing it in the ground is surely a holy act. ♥ And communing with each nascent plant... oh *shivers* how much of a blessing it must be!

( plans, worries )

Until I was 8 years old, my parents had a huge vegetable garden. Not one of those puny 6-foot-square ones, but one that was about 3/4ths the length of our doublewide trailer, and just as wide. We had corn, green beans, all kinds of peppers, okra, tomatoes, squash, zucchini, cucumbers, and more (I can't remember it all). I'm not really sure how my parents (mostly Pat -- M did the tilling and Pat did most everything else) managed to make it all grow in red clay (without using compost!!!), but they did. I loved walking among the rows, especially when the corn was tall enough to give shade (I lived about three hours south of where I do now -- 10 degrees hotter, most days). I found it absolutely magical that you could put seeds in the dirt and get food! And Pat made the most amazing pickles (both dill and bread-n-butter, mmm) and pepper sauce from them.

Later we moved away from deep country to the suburbs and my parents became more concerned with making the front yard look 'pretty' than with growing food. M would till, and I would be assigned tasks like picking rocks out of the tilled soil, hauling dirt, and digging holes, while Pat did all the designing and plant-choosing. I started hating 'working in the yard' as they called it; I was not allowed to design or participate in any fun tasks like planting, just the dull drudge work. And for my efforts I got to look at flowers (which have never been important to me anyway, and Pat chose ones that were orange and pink, two colors I dislike). So I associated gardening with useless, unrewarding drudgery.

Last year, on a whim, I ordered a black willow tree baby off of ebay. Seeing a skinny little stick worried me at first -- I thought it was dead. Watching it tentatively put out its first leaves was a revelation; it reminded me of how plant care could be. Here was magic. Seeing little changes every day was so THRILLING to me! I can imagine that if I had a garden I would get the most intense joy out of caring for plants and having them reward me with yummy peppers and tomatoes! Taking the little explosion-of-life-energy that is a seed and placing it in the ground is surely a holy act. ♥ And communing with each nascent plant... oh *shivers* how much of a blessing it must be!

( plans, worries )

Until I was 8 years old, my parents had a huge vegetable garden. Not one of those puny 6-foot-square ones, but one that was about 3/4ths the length of our doublewide trailer, and just as wide. We had corn, green beans, all kinds of peppers, okra, tomatoes, squash, zucchini, cucumbers, and more (I can't remember it all). I'm not really sure how my parents (mostly Pat -- M did the tilling and Pat did most everything else) managed to make it all grow in red clay (without using compost!!!), but they did. I loved walking among the rows, especially when the corn was tall enough to give shade (I lived about three hours south of where I do now -- 10 degrees hotter, most days). I found it absolutely magical that you could put seeds in the dirt and get food! And Pat made the most amazing pickles (both dill and bread-n-butter, mmm) and pepper sauce from them.

Later we moved away from deep country to the suburbs and my parents became more concerned with making the front yard look 'pretty' than with growing food. M would till, and I would be assigned tasks like picking rocks out of the tilled soil, hauling dirt, and digging holes, while Pat did all the designing and plant-choosing. I started hating 'working in the yard' as they called it; I was not allowed to design or participate in any fun tasks like planting, just the dull drudge work. And for my efforts I got to look at flowers (which have never been important to me anyway, and Pat chose ones that were orange and pink, two colors I dislike). So I associated gardening with useless, unrewarding drudgery.

Last year, on a whim, I ordered a black willow tree baby off of ebay. Seeing a skinny little stick worried me at first -- I thought it was dead. Watching it tentatively put out its first leaves was a revelation; it reminded me of how plant care could be. Here was magic. Seeing little changes every day was so THRILLING to me! I can imagine that if I had a garden I would get the most intense joy out of caring for plants and having them reward me with yummy peppers and tomatoes! Taking the little explosion-of-life-energy that is a seed and placing it in the ground is surely a holy act. ♥ And communing with each nascent plant... oh *shivers* how much of a blessing it must be!

( plans, worries )