Sunday night was the first night I got to be home since Serenity (housemate) finished moving out and cleaning up behind themselves and it was WORLDS quieter. Not of physical noise, but of mental/emotional noise. The quiet felt almost shocking, like when the power goes out. I felt like I was in a hotel, or like I was sleeping in an empty house without even furniture. My house felt clean, open, and full of space -- despite the fact that my living room is still a clutterbomb from my returned things after Topaz' move.

I was subconsciously worried that I didn't actually need to live alone for a while, or that it wouldn't be a significant difference because Serenity did try hard to be unobtrusive. I was worried that maybe I was making it up, maybe I was just being uselessly picky. Now I feel validated, and happy that I knew this would be good for me even though I had no proof. I'm delightedly anticipating a decrease in my overall cognitive and emotional strain, from the sense of rest I can get now from going home.

Weirdly I have heard the ghost moving around again, and Kanika has started breaking into the room where it stays again. They didn't do that for almost the entire 2 years that Serenity was here -- at least not when I was home. The door to that bedroom stayed shut. Now I keep shutting it and finding it open again, and last night the light was inexplicably on (I never turn it on) -- most likely Serenity turned it on and I just didn't notice the first 3 times I passed it, but I would have thought I'd notice since it was dark and there is a large gap between the door and the floor. It creeped me out a little but I dismissed it. If it is a ghost, it's got no ill intention, or Kanika wouldn't be friends with it.

I've been helping Topaz with various cleaning projects and they offered to come help me clean and tidy my living room this week which will be SUCH a relief as tackling it alone is just something I haven't motivated to do, at all. Once I have it tidy I can do an allergy clean regularly and hopefully host hearts and crafts sometimes. I've only just been able to start doing big cleaning and tidying projects, having stored up enough spoons. So many days when I get home I am just so wiped from work that feeding myself dinner and occasionally soaking my feet is about all I can manage. But having a tidy space that is all mine and all tidy is going to help so much.

I don't remember if I posted about it, but I organized my closet (the clothes at least) and put some things in canvas boxes on a wire cube shelf outside the closet, and I have done a lot better about putting away clean clothes and planning out work outfits since then. It's so good to for me to plan ahead with outfits because otherwise I end up slapping together something in the morning and it's not something that feels like self-decorating. If I have to wear clothes I want to be thoughtful and creative about it. Side note: I need so many more clothes now that I have to wear a different outfit every damn day, which I usually sweat in while walking to the bus. Luckily my thrifting magic has kept that from being too dreary.

from justben: What is your favorite thing about the place you're living today [Wishwood]? What is the hardest part for you?
My favorite things are 1) all the alone time I want, never interruptions, yay! that's number one. 2) Kanika is so happy to have few humans! way more calm and pleasant. 3) plenty of space for crafty parties 4) dishes that are dirtied by someone other than me are pretty rare. 5) LAND: I can plant things and garden! 6) TREES: my house is nestled in a little valley with tall trees all around and at night I can hear them rustle because it's so quiet 7) spare rooms: I haven't had many sleepovers or people crashing but it's so wonderful to be able to offer people a bed if they need/want. 8) the layout of my bedroom is perfect for me -- tons of light and a little nook just right for my sanctuary/altar, plus a ceiling fan, plus my desk fits perfectly in its corner and my bed fits perfectly in its corner and my memories box and letters case fits perfectly in another nook. When I have it tidy next I'll take photos. 9) I can use the giant basement room as a studio 10) it has a fireplace 11) it has a covered front porch 12) it has a back porch secluded enough that I can go out there naked 13) I get to decorate and organize everything however I want it.
The hardest part is the location. It's 20 minutes to anywhere useful and 50 minutes to the city and even longer to friends' houses in the city. This means that going out is more difficult to arrange and motivate for, and people are less likely to visit. Ideally I'd have company at least every other week; I really like spending time with people in my space, but when it is such an investment of time and gas money I know most people can't do it.

from topaznebula: Summarize/describe your relationship with Xena Warrior Princess, and why you like it, and why it's important to you.
I'm now on my 5th cycle of watching Xena. I came to it late, having not had TV for any part of my life -- I think I watched it for the first time about six years ago. It's hands-down my favorite show of all time. Before watching it I remember hearing lesbian buzz and being annoyed, because not every friendship is about sex, and it's totally possible to have a non-sexual super-intimate friendship. But then I saw it, with all the innuendo and kisses and love-confessions and agreed -- it's a queer love story. A queer poly love story, even (they're vulva-monogamous but sleep with men without it really impacting their relationship). It passes the bechdel test with flying colors and it includes a trans woman with RESPECT which frankly I have never seen done on a TV show (unless I'm forgetting something, but I think I'd remember) -- only a side character but still, wonderful. It includes a variety of races (more than most tv shows). It has its problems, messing with various mythologies (to what levels of inaccuracy I do not know) but better than other US shows, I'd say. At the end of one episode there is a sidebar where they explain that their referencing to the Hindu faith was intended with respect, which makes me think that maybe they failed on the respect and got called to task, I dunno. I really like what they did with the Christian myths and with ancient Greek deities. I really love the complexity of magics Xena uses. I love Gabrielle's character development; from brave but naive and helpless to understanding, independent, and powerful.

I can identify really strongly with Xena (and Gabrielle, but differently and not as much because Gabrielle is way sweeter than me (oh and Callisto too)). Had I been put in Xena's shoes I feel like I would have followed the same path. Minus the flashbacks, the series is about Xena learning to feel and to show love, to be vulnerable and not hide behind a sword OR put the sword away because zir resistance to evil was 'too militant' for most 'good' people. I did the same, more slowly, because I didn't find Gabrielle until long after I started trying to do that. But the biggest reason it is important to me is that it is a positive love story about two women, working through shit in a real relationship, and neither gets murdered by the writer or flakes out to be hetero (at least, not for good). Queers don't get happy endings on screen! they don't get to deal with stuff like "trust me to take care of myself" or "trust me to still love you while I also fall in love with others" or "your dreams are more important than us being together right now" because all they get to deal with is being out (or not) and how society reacts to them. I'm fucking sick of that narrative. If I never watch another "gay girl falls for seemingly-straight girl, angst sex (male-gaze) sex angst, gay girl gets murdered or dumped" film again it will be too soon.

from rmpenguino: What makes you unique? How different is your perception of yourself versus what you end up being?
Nothing? everything? One thing that makes me unique is how I value imperfection: I can see when things need to change, and work to change them, without needing to strive for perfection or reject everything but the best. I can, for instance, work to reduce waste without feeling guilty when I don't live up to that. Unbalanced sense of human responsibility would be saying stuff like "well I can't fix the whole world so I'm just going to throw my cigarette butt or water bottle on the ground with these others." I think that comes from fear of self-loathing; they do not want to commit to a value that they cannot do perfectly because they would hate themselves for failing. I am okay with failure; it is the effort that matters to me. I don't ask "what would fix this?" I ask "how can I make this better?" (I was thinking that imperfection is a core value of mine and yep, I'm just went and added that) I don't think my perception of myself is very different from reality; at least, people who know me well don't describe me as different than I see myself. I think that I differ from many people's perceptions but that this is a result of them seeing me wrong. People think I am more prickly and angry and less forgiving than I am. People think I am more judgmental than I am (I have the skill of withholding judgment and asking first, to find out from that person if how I feel is right or not). People think I am less social than I am (I think this is mainly because they don't see me socialize in the same ways). People also think I'm 'feminine' and 'sweet' and into peace, which is waaaaay untrue. I value creative conflict, not peace -- peace is an illusion that cannot exist in a world of change, so all you can do is make better things with conflict. People think I am a better person than I am, because they don't understand how often I fuck up. I have a clear vision and dedicated values, but I do not live up to ANY of them perfectly or even near-perfectly.

I feel good right now and that's fucking noteworthy. I finally got set up at Wishwood and it's been a warm day and Arizona pointed me to this (NSFW) which made me feel hopeful that the world is not irreparably fucked up (the ubiquitous exploitative 'sexuality' surrounding me is one of the biggest drains on my energy) -- obv not all of it is my kink but seeing desire and joy together is nourishing.

I keep daydreaming about escaping. I know there's really nowhere to escape to (all of this racist sexist ableist looksist bullshit is everywhere), but pretending there is gives me a kind of comfort.

I've now been medicated for about two weeks and it seems to be helping. I can now push back a little instead of instantly falling into deep despair at the slightest bump. I feel like the meds are a dome over this part of my self which has been wounded really badly -- it still hurts but at least it's not getting worse every day, and maybe it can heal. I didn't even realize that feeling suicidal day after day would cause cumulative damage. I am so grateful that warmth is coming.

It's so fucking trippy to be in the house that has featured in so many of my dreams. I really thought I would never live here again and it makes it harder to believe that things are real. It also is hard to believe that people are real because I don't spend much time with them in comparison to last year. And it's hard to believe that I am real because the depression makes my body more numb so sometimes when I pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming, I can barely feel it. And it's hard to believe that life is real because so many of the things I cared deeply about I just have no interest in. Obligation is the primary reason for most of what I do lately, which is so shitty, but life would become infinitely more shitty if I did not follow through on those obligations... fuck.

and yet! I told the psychiatrist when we met that if it weren't for the depression, I'd be the happiest I've ever been. It's SO FUCKED that I can't feel the happiness I should be having. I feel completely nourished with Topaz, AND rarely drained. I was doing really well in school and in activist stuff, but some of that got fucked up by the depression and I put responsibility down before I made too much damage to be able to recover it... maybe. I can't fret about it right now, I have to just try to become okay, and I have to be patient or it won't work.

Topaz' family is huge and deeply intertwined with each other. I've gone to several family gatherings and it keeps bringing up old stuff from my ex-partner's family. I realized that they were more my family than my biofamily, who were emotionally just employers from the time I realized kind treatment from them was contingent on unquestioning obedience. I adopted my ex-partner's family and for the five years I was best friends with Rebecca, they adopted me, mostly. But then I hurt the golden child and compounded that by stealing the oldest boy and then I got weird, so they excluded me after that. For years I hoped to be treated like "real family" but when my ex-partner replaced me with a nice christian straight monogamous girly girl, they just didn't talk to me anymore. I'm sure it's partly due to my behavior but I was acting like a child and expecting them to reach out first. I have a super-visceral memory of the day I gave up on ever being part of them; it was some kind of anniversary/birthday party and I went without my partner (because ze was coming later) and when I got there, all anyone said to me was "where's [ex-partner]?" or "hi" depending on the person. I was taken aback but it was watching the slideshow of photos over the years and seeing so few photos of me, seeing photos I had taken as the one "non-family" person on various family trips, while seeing more photos of Rebecca's husband (who had been around 2 years to my 10+ years)... that made me feel profoundly rejected. All those years on the outside. That was a few months before the ex-partner ended it. So now, with Topaz' family, they seem so warm and welcoming and I want to be part of that, I want to be accepted as deeply connected with Topaz and also as myself, but what if it's going to be another decade of wishing and always being on the outside?

I was in my old room -- the unfinished one in the basement -- fixing the blinds to the sliding glass door when I found a strange compartment in the ceiling which opened with two screws (into which I stuck my car keys). I very excitedly opened it and started to look through, ( ....... )

I dream so often of this old house... I really should tag it.

I was in my old room -- the unfinished one in the basement -- fixing the blinds to the sliding glass door when I found a strange compartment in the ceiling which opened with two screws (into which I stuck my car keys). I very excitedly opened it and started to look through, ( ....... )

I dream so often of this old house... I really should tag it.

I had a really unsettling dream last night, which I can't remember much of because my alarm woke me up at a key point and scrambled it all. I remember it was something about Arizona and Chip (and, to a lesser amount, the rest of the family) and camping -- I think Chip was selling zir RV? (which ze doesn't have in real life) Then there was something about two little boys, one I was caring for and one who was leading me somewhere by the hand, running so fast uphill that I almost fell on my face and had to urge zir to slow down (and for some reason the sex of the kid pulling me seems significant). The setting seemed familiar -- I think it was the backyard of my bioparent's Georgia house (and now I'm remembering something about my old room in the basement). Confusing. And it set off some strange urge in me -- closest thing I can compare it to is the desire to run. Not away, but not to either. I've been feeling restless and unsettled and a little worried all day. And missing my bioparent P, which is VERY strange (also missing lil sis but that's normal).

I had a really unsettling dream last night, which I can't remember much of because my alarm woke me up at a key point and scrambled it all. I remember it was something about Arizona and Chip (and, to a lesser amount, the rest of the family) and camping -- I think Chip was selling zir RV? (which ze doesn't have in real life) Then there was something about two little boys, one I was caring for and one who was leading me somewhere by the hand, running so fast uphill that I almost fell on my face and had to urge zir to slow down (and for some reason the sex of the kid pulling me seems significant). The setting seemed familiar -- I think it was the backyard of my bioparent's Georgia house (and now I'm remembering something about my old room in the basement). Confusing. And it set off some strange urge in me -- closest thing I can compare it to is the desire to run. Not away, but not to either. I've been feeling restless and unsettled and a little worried all day. And missing my bioparent P, which is VERY strange (also missing lil sis but that's normal).

I had a dream about Angelina last night for the first time in a year. Ze used to figure in my dreams quite regularly but now seems to just pop up to herald change... ( in which my male bio-parent is the positive figure! )

I had a dream about Angelina last night for the first time in a year. Ze used to figure in my dreams quite regularly but now seems to just pop up to herald change... ( in which my male bio-parent is the positive figure! )

( another dream about prejudice, with the same person listening and agreeing )

You know how I was asking when to speak up about prejudice with acquaintances? I feel like my psyche is saying, "have you considered that you're more likely to meet people you'd connect with if you speak up when there is an audience?" But I don't get it, brain, you'll have to give me about five more of these dreams... ohhhh, I still feel aglow. But also yearning and missing zir :-(

( another dream about prejudice, with the same person listening and agreeing )

You know how I was asking when to speak up about prejudice with acquaintances? I feel like my psyche is saying, "have you considered that you're more likely to meet people you'd connect with if you speak up when there is an audience?" But I don't get it, brain, you'll have to give me about five more of these dreams... ohhhh, I still feel aglow. But also yearning and missing zir :-(

So far this visit (oh yeah, Aurilion's visiting me btw haha) has been amazingly fruitful. I feel like we've grown by leaps and bounds, to the point where our 9-month relationship is starting to feel close to my 7-year relationship in sturdiness. Where do I even start... I guess I'll just let this flow in all it's unorganized glory.

Last night I discovered something about the time when Ashley and Aurilion (who then went by 'Lily') were together, something that hurt me and made me feel really betrayed. After spending a little while in shock, I told zir how it made me feel. At first ze responded in a way that I didn't find helpful at all, but we talked about that too, and after a looooong conversation we worked it out. That was the first time we'd ever had a discussion about something Aurilion had done that deeply hurt me, and it just... went so well! Ze was expecting me to kick zir out and tell zir to go home when I first brought it up, but there's no way that would happen. As long as someone is sorry for hurting me, and willing to admit they were wrong, and willing to make change to prevent that from happening again, there is nothing that cannot be overcome. I think I was expecting zir to just deny all fault/responsibility and essentially tell me that I would just have to live with it (because I have experienced that in the past, especially when the other person would rather walk over hot coals than hurt me), but ze didn't, ze was just very sorry, feeling my pain and empathizing with me. It was really amazing because that is the first time I've had that kind of discussion with zir, and it felt so cleansing and strengthening. I really feel that when you approach it in the most respectful and open way, a hurtful thing can be turned into the most beautiful nourishing thing. Like a one-broken bone becomes stronger in that place after it heals.

We've just been breaking down so many old patterns! One thing that has just blown me away is the way ze has opened up after uncovering a block on initiating touch. Ze has such a beautifully giving spirit, and since I am such a physical touch person, receiving zir touch is the most glooooooooooorious thing! It feels like every time ze touches me, caressing my back or kissing my shoulder, a little bit of me unfolds more. Our growth reflects in each other... ever increasing, ever shining more.

We went to visit my parent Pat for a couple of days (and we're going back over there today) and THAT was amazing too. Somehow being there was this catalyst for so much, including the initiating-touch thing, and that is a happening I will never forget. I had the most amazing dreams!

( dreams -- on a ship hearing my trueself, being chosen by lottery to be killed by a spider-bat )

So far this visit (oh yeah, Aurilion's visiting me btw haha) has been amazingly fruitful. I feel like we've grown by leaps and bounds, to the point where our 9-month relationship is starting to feel close to my 7-year relationship in sturdiness. Where do I even start... I guess I'll just let this flow in all it's unorganized glory.

Last night I discovered something about the time when Ashley and Aurilion (who then went by 'Lily') were together, something that hurt me and made me feel really betrayed. After spending a little while in shock, I told zir how it made me feel. At first ze responded in a way that I didn't find helpful at all, but we talked about that too, and after a looooong conversation we worked it out. That was the first time we'd ever had a discussion about something Aurilion had done that deeply hurt me, and it just... went so well! Ze was expecting me to kick zir out and tell zir to go home when I first brought it up, but there's no way that would happen. As long as someone is sorry for hurting me, and willing to admit they were wrong, and willing to make change to prevent that from happening again, there is nothing that cannot be overcome. I think I was expecting zir to just deny all fault/responsibility and essentially tell me that I would just have to live with it (because I have experienced that in the past, especially when the other person would rather walk over hot coals than hurt me), but ze didn't, ze was just very sorry, feeling my pain and empathizing with me. It was really amazing because that is the first time I've had that kind of discussion with zir, and it felt so cleansing and strengthening. I really feel that when you approach it in the most respectful and open way, a hurtful thing can be turned into the most beautiful nourishing thing. Like a one-broken bone becomes stronger in that place after it heals.

We've just been breaking down so many old patterns! One thing that has just blown me away is the way ze has opened up after uncovering a block on initiating touch. Ze has such a beautifully giving spirit, and since I am such a physical touch person, receiving zir touch is the most glooooooooooorious thing! It feels like every time ze touches me, caressing my back or kissing my shoulder, a little bit of me unfolds more. Our growth reflects in each other... ever increasing, ever shining more.

We went to visit my parent Pat for a couple of days (and we're going back over there today) and THAT was amazing too. Somehow being there was this catalyst for so much, including the initiating-touch thing, and that is a happening I will never forget. I had the most amazing dreams!

( dreams -- on a ship hearing my trueself, being chosen by lottery to be killed by a spider-bat )

last night I dreamed of living in my old room in my bioparents' GA house. In the dream, I was filled with such joy every time I went in that I danced! ( the beauty of my old room, how I miss it! )

last night I dreamed of living in my old room in my bioparents' GA house. In the dream, I was filled with such joy every time I went in that I danced! ( the beauty of my old room, how I miss it! )

Night before last I dreamed that I was at the old house where I used to live with my biofamily, checking it out before moving in. I went on the back porch and saw that all of the trees (except the mimosa :-() had grown by HUGE amounts! which thrilled me, because I felt more surrounded by forest. But the back porch was incredibly wobbly, so much that I couldn't walk around (which may be metaphor or may be memory -- last time I was there it was very wobbly) and I thought to myself that it would have to be replaced, but that would be easy enough. Then I went outside and saw this deep forest green car that my mom had gotten to replace her (current, real-life) car, and I enthused about it with mom and lil sis. There were these air vents in the roof that could be opened to allow perfect air flow. The car felt very safe and comfortable, and I told my mom that I was glad she replaced the other car (which in the dream gave me a negative feeling). Then this guy showed up giving out cupcakes (along with a crowd of kids who all wanted cupcakes) and I got one, but yellow jackets started hovering around me, drawn by the sweet-smelling icing. I managed to kill them one by one, and didn't get stung.

Last night I dreamed that I was in the old house again, but this time I was visiting my friend, a boy who lived in my old room. His parents were abusive, and after I saw how they treated him I decided to rescue him. First I took him to an upper room (the house changed) and started to call 911 in order to find out who to call, because I couldn't look up the number. Someone answered and said, "hi, this is the president" and I was confused, and sat for a minute trying to figure out if I had accidentally misdialed, and then I realized that the abusive people were in the house on the same line and I hadn't dialed out at all. So I frantically tried to dial again, and kept getting the strangest numbers (like restaurants and movie theatres), though each time I thought I was dialing 911. At that point the boy wasn't there anymore -- I think I had helped him escape -- but they were still after me. So I climbed on the roof and then leapt to a tree, and began flying from tree to tree, a long ways through the forest. (these trees were almost supernaturally tall) For a while I still had the phone and was dialing, but eventually gave up and just dropped it. They were following, and at one point I got tired and just stayed in the same spot on a tree (very high above the ground) and they were using some sort of machines to climb fast and chase me. One guy got close enough that he could easily reach out and touch my face, but he didn't notice me and when he did, he wasn't sure if it was me because I didn't look human. I began slowly floating backwards and he remained still, too shocked and disbelieving to move. When I was safely out of reach I turned and fled, and they all started following, but were pretty far behind. I got to this massive tree that had water flowing all over its roots, and clung to it for safety, somehow communicating what these people were like and that they were threatening me. The tree reacted by communicating without words or movements (but I could sense it) to the other trees and they all started womping the chasers off of the trees to fall to their deaths below, where the water washed them away. I was so happy and felt so safe, and danced all over the massive tree, splashing in the water at its roots.

( what dreammoods has to say about the symbols )

Night before last I dreamed that I was at the old house where I used to live with my biofamily, checking it out before moving in. I went on the back porch and saw that all of the trees (except the mimosa :-() had grown by HUGE amounts! which thrilled me, because I felt more surrounded by forest. But the back porch was incredibly wobbly, so much that I couldn't walk around (which may be metaphor or may be memory -- last time I was there it was very wobbly) and I thought to myself that it would have to be replaced, but that would be easy enough. Then I went outside and saw this deep forest green car that my mom had gotten to replace her (current, real-life) car, and I enthused about it with mom and lil sis. There were these air vents in the roof that could be opened to allow perfect air flow. The car felt very safe and comfortable, and I told my mom that I was glad she replaced the other car (which in the dream gave me a negative feeling). Then this guy showed up giving out cupcakes (along with a crowd of kids who all wanted cupcakes) and I got one, but yellow jackets started hovering around me, drawn by the sweet-smelling icing. I managed to kill them one by one, and didn't get stung.

Last night I dreamed that I was in the old house again, but this time I was visiting my friend, a boy who lived in my old room. His parents were abusive, and after I saw how they treated him I decided to rescue him. First I took him to an upper room (the house changed) and started to call 911 in order to find out who to call, because I couldn't look up the number. Someone answered and said, "hi, this is the president" and I was confused, and sat for a minute trying to figure out if I had accidentally misdialed, and then I realized that the abusive people were in the house on the same line and I hadn't dialed out at all. So I frantically tried to dial again, and kept getting the strangest numbers (like restaurants and movie theatres), though each time I thought I was dialing 911. At that point the boy wasn't there anymore -- I think I had helped him escape -- but they were still after me. So I climbed on the roof and then leapt to a tree, and began flying from tree to tree, a long ways through the forest. (these trees were almost supernaturally tall) For a while I still had the phone and was dialing, but eventually gave up and just dropped it. They were following, and at one point I got tired and just stayed in the same spot on a tree (very high above the ground) and they were using some sort of machines to climb fast and chase me. One guy got close enough that he could easily reach out and touch my face, but he didn't notice me and when he did, he wasn't sure if it was me because I didn't look human. I began slowly floating backwards and he remained still, too shocked and disbelieving to move. When I was safely out of reach I turned and fled, and they all started following, but were pretty far behind. I got to this massive tree that had water flowing all over its roots, and clung to it for safety, somehow communicating what these people were like and that they were threatening me. The tree reacted by communicating without words or movements (but I could sense it) to the other trees and they all started womping the chasers off of the trees to fall to their deaths below, where the water washed them away. I was so happy and felt so safe, and danced all over the massive tree, splashing in the water at its roots.

( what dreammoods has to say about the symbols )