For most of my life, owning a home was so far outside my realm of possibility that I never even thought about whether or not I wanted to.


When I went to college I did so because I wanted to learn, and I had resigned myself to always being poor and barely scraping by with retail and service jobs.

Then I lucked into my current job, which is in a specialized field -- while money is often still tight, I have enough to cover basic expenses like food, utilities, and health insurance. Still not enough to save up for something like a down payment, though.

This May, my partner of seven years was looking for a new place as their apartment was unlivable, and asked if I would want to buy a house together. I thought about it and said well, yes but I have no money saved, so it's probably out of the question. They then found out that they can borrow from their retirement savings without penalty since it will be their first home. I was going to put my retirement towards it too, but mine was much smaller and I couldn't withdraw without huge penalties, so we just left it.

We decided that they would borrow from their retirement for the down payment, and then I would pay them back for my half over the next two years (as well as paying my half of the mortgage of course). And we started looking for a house.


My partner's mom is in real estate, so we gave her a list of things that were musts and things that were daydreams -- and she found us a perfect house. She was scouring the listings and when she saw this one come up, she and my partner went and saw it and my partner told me about it over the phone. My partner told me they were certain it was what I wanted and since I know they know me and they wouldn't say that unless it was true, I agreed that we should put in a bid.

We signed electronically that night and within 24 hours of the house being posted, we had it under contract. It is amazingly lucky that we did, because they started getting offers over the asking price immediately after, and we couldn't have afforded any higher of a price. My partner's mom even got them to pay closing costs by putting it in that initial contract, which is just mind-boggling. And because of her relationship with the mortgage brokers we used, we got an amazing rate on that as well.

My partner was absolutely right that I wanted this house and that it was perfect. Here were my criteria:

Must: lots of windows in my bedroom (ALL the bedrooms!)
Must: lots of windows in living room or kitchen (both!)
Important: large living room (two of them!)
Important: large, private backyard w flat sunny space
Important: high ceilings or large bedrooms (high ceilings)
Important: 2 toilets (THREE full bathrooms! though one needs repair)
Important: space for washer/dryer (plus cabinets above them!)
Important: no HOA (SO HAPPY)
Big bonus: big old trees nearby (1/2 mile or less, or in yard)
Big bonus: fenced yard
Bonus: pantry
Bonus: 4 bedrooms
Bonus: U-shaped or 2-lane driveway (2 lanes, plus carport!)
Bonus: ceiling fans in 2 bedrooms (three bedrooms!)

I also wanted it to have no stairs and be close to public transit, but at least it is a split level (fewer stairs) and a very short drive to a transit hub that runs until midnight. Honestly that doesn't bother me because on everything else we got so outrageously lucky. So many things I didn't even think to daydream about!

Layout:
First, the layout is almost identical to the place my partner used to rent, which we both had strong nostalgia love about because it was where we first spent lots of time together. Also, there are two entirely separate living spaces, which allows for me to have my cat there and my partner to still have space beyond their bedroom to play or socialize. This is important not just for allergy reasons but because we are very independent people and we need to feel like we can exist in the house separately anytime we want.

Light:
The house is south-facing, which is my favorite orientation for a house because it allows for strong yet mostly indirect light. Light is so important to me. Also, there is a SKYLIGHT in the KITCHEN!!! Natural light is necessary for me to feel like spending any time in a room, so this means I might actually start baking again! And almost all of the rooms have enough windows to be bright, even the ones in the lowest level.

Air:
There are ceiling fans in the bedrooms and in the kitchen! Also, the way the patio outside the kitchen is structured means the windchimes catch the air even when it is not very windy.

Land:
Oh my Godde the backyard. It is mostly a gentle slope of grass, which at first I was a little sad about because the previous owner had cut down some amazing, beautiful trees. But then I realized that this means more room for planting fruit trees and having vegetable gardens, and then I just felt lucky. On all three sides of our backyard are yards with huge, amazing trees that are far enough away that we still get lots of sunlight.

So my partner and I got busy planting immediately, and we already have a peach, a four-variety grafted pear, an Asian pear, and a persimmon tree! Two were clearance and two were gifts. The peach is trying to make babies right now which is adorable if misguided. Also, at the side of our house there is a white mulberry tree which is already well-established! We will have to prune it heavily but hopefully it will give us fruit next year.

If you had asked me in April when I might buy a house, I would have laughed and said "never! Or maybe in 10 years" but now I own one. It is a hard mental transition to make, because I assumed I would be renting for the rest of my life.

Part of me keeps expecting that someone is going to show up and make demands about my space. I have always had to live in fear of being kicked out due to a rent spike, the owners wanting to sell or move in, or just sheer pettiness (when I rented from family). I am still in disbelief that this place is mine, that I can invest in it and love it without fearing it being taken away. (there is still the fear of losing it for lack of money, but that was always there when I rented too)

I've moved in with my body but now I'm waiting for my mind to catch up. I can't wait for it to really sink in that I am now living rent-free. I'm not borrowing and it's not temporary: this is actually my home.

Organization techniques/tools I use and areas I would like to be more organized/organize differently

I prefer everything around me be organized. I love organizing and have tidied other people's closets (with consent of course) and enjoyed it. So you'd think that all of my stuff would be organized, but no.

When I get depressed, I can't motivate to clean or tidy. I will only do what is necessary and things being tidy is not necessary. So right now, the only things of mine that are organized are my clothes and about half of my craft stuff. My books were organized but then I gave a ton away and now they're half disorganized too.

Part of my problem is that I have a huge mental block against throwing things away. Even donating things I find difficult because what if I know someone who wants that thing?

I did a sweep of some stuff to donate but I need to go through again with this question "will I miss it?" And if the answer is no, it needs to go in the donate or the trash. And I have to be willing to put things in the trash that are useable but will not be wanted by people at the thrift store.

I watched a few episodes of "Tidying Up" recently and it made me exclaim a lot because so many of the things that Marie says are literally things I have said. When I am helping people tidy I say "where does this live?" and "does this have a home?" because in my opinion the most important thing for tidiness is for things to have a home. I do things like greeting a home and waking up books (though not those specific things).

I LITERALLY FOLDED MY SHIRTS THE SAME WAY, before ever watching that, so that I could look through them at a glance. and I fold my skirts like Marie folds ties. I do the same thing of small boxes organizing the inside of big boxes.

and then in my memories today I found an entry I posted last year where I talk about having an ethic of things belonging to whomever will love them more. When I was a kid, I stole or gave away things based on that.

The show makes a lot of assumptions about people being able to buy replacement things, which bothers me, but I do love seeing someone else have as much reverence for things as I do. Though it bothers me that some people appear to just throw away useful things rather than donating them and Marie doesn't scold them, wtf.

But I think a better question than "does it spark joy" (especially for people who get joy easily) is "if you lost it, would you miss it?" and if you don't know, box it up and put the date on it. if a long time passes without you feeling the need to take it out (and you don't have a practical need for it), then you can give it away. That's also how I decide whether or not to get something at a thrift store -- would I regret NOT getting it?

This is part of why it is such a sign of me being in a bad place when my home is untidy. When I am in a good place, I don't even have to try to get things tidy... when I'm not, it looks horrific, because I just drop things everywhere. I get in a very "if I can't get it right why bother at all" mindset. I know it's destructive but that's my brain when it's being a jerk.

Sunday night was the first night I got to be home since Serenity (housemate) finished moving out and cleaning up behind themselves and it was WORLDS quieter. Not of physical noise, but of mental/emotional noise. The quiet felt almost shocking, like when the power goes out. I felt like I was in a hotel, or like I was sleeping in an empty house without even furniture. My house felt clean, open, and full of space -- despite the fact that my living room is still a clutterbomb from my returned things after Topaz' move.

I was subconsciously worried that I didn't actually need to live alone for a while, or that it wouldn't be a significant difference because Serenity did try hard to be unobtrusive. I was worried that maybe I was making it up, maybe I was just being uselessly picky. Now I feel validated, and happy that I knew this would be good for me even though I had no proof. I'm delightedly anticipating a decrease in my overall cognitive and emotional strain, from the sense of rest I can get now from going home.

Weirdly I have heard the ghost moving around again, and Kanika has started breaking into the room where it stays again. They didn't do that for almost the entire 2 years that Serenity was here -- at least not when I was home. The door to that bedroom stayed shut. Now I keep shutting it and finding it open again, and last night the light was inexplicably on (I never turn it on) -- most likely Serenity turned it on and I just didn't notice the first 3 times I passed it, but I would have thought I'd notice since it was dark and there is a large gap between the door and the floor. It creeped me out a little but I dismissed it. If it is a ghost, it's got no ill intention, or Kanika wouldn't be friends with it.

I've been helping Topaz with various cleaning projects and they offered to come help me clean and tidy my living room this week which will be SUCH a relief as tackling it alone is just something I haven't motivated to do, at all. Once I have it tidy I can do an allergy clean regularly and hopefully host hearts and crafts sometimes. I've only just been able to start doing big cleaning and tidying projects, having stored up enough spoons. So many days when I get home I am just so wiped from work that feeding myself dinner and occasionally soaking my feet is about all I can manage. But having a tidy space that is all mine and all tidy is going to help so much.

I don't remember if I posted about it, but I organized my closet (the clothes at least) and put some things in canvas boxes on a wire cube shelf outside the closet, and I have done a lot better about putting away clean clothes and planning out work outfits since then. It's so good to for me to plan ahead with outfits because otherwise I end up slapping together something in the morning and it's not something that feels like self-decorating. If I have to wear clothes I want to be thoughtful and creative about it. Side note: I need so many more clothes now that I have to wear a different outfit every damn day, which I usually sweat in while walking to the bus. Luckily my thrifting magic has kept that from being too dreary.

So Topaz is moving from the place they have lived the entire time I have known them, which is reminiscent of me moving because I spend probably a good half of my free time (or more) at their house. We have already taken 2 car loads to my house and there are still some things there that will need to be brought over. While it's sort of stressful and now my living room is once again filled with stuff that needs sorting and putting away, it also feels good to be pulling stuff back to my house.

I didn't realize that I felt sort of back-burner stressed about having so much stuff over there, but it makes sense because it felt disorganized, especially having my craft stuff over there. I feel low-level constant stress when my stuff is not organized, because it feels like I am not respecting it. Ever since I was a child, I have felt like things have feelings and all things want to be noticed and used. I feel like it is unethical to keep things you don't love or use because they could be with someone who will actually value them. That's why I am getting rid of so many of my books -- if I will literally never read it, I am disrespecting it by keeping it.

When I was a little kid I took this ethic of "whoever will love it most should have it" to an extreme, and I would steal from people if I felt they weren't loving their things enough. Some of my most prized possessions as a child were things I stole. I would also give away my things if I felt like someone else loved them more.

Now that I am an adult, I realize there are more things to consider than "who will love it most." While I still don't believe in ownership of anything you didn't make or customize, I know that other people do, and I know that people will feel violated by being stolen from, so of course I don't do it. But that's not because I think it is inherently wrong, but rather because of the effect it has within this society. I never want to cause someone to feel violated and that is a higher ethic to me than possibly anything else.

In the past two weeks I have:

( list of accomplishments! )

I feel validated in my self-understanding by the amount I have been able to do recently. I am naturally a tidy person, but it has rarely been reflected in my surroundings over the past few years because I was so depressed and anxious I could hardly manage to do the most basic things.

In 2013 I had a depressive crash that I treated for 8 months with citalopram (quit using it when it became harmful rather than helpful). During that same time period I realized I needed treatment for ADHD but was prescribed inadequate meds for a year and a half, while I struggled with literally everything. Finally at the end of 2014 I was prescribed the correct medication, and 2015 was a pretty good year of having a job while being in interesting and growthful classes and having my meds, though I did not make enough money.

But in 2016 I was no longer able to work at my student worker job, and I could not find employment for more than 7 months despite trying my absolute hardest. I had no money and ran out of meds and was completely demoralized by the fact that I got zero call-backs for the first five months, plus there was god-awful stuff happening in Topaz' life that was breaking my heart. It completely erased all the progress I had made in 2015 and put me back into barely-surviving mode.

Then I started the job I have now, which was delightful but also a huge new burden of social interaction for 40 hours a week, as well as the work itself which I enjoy but is extremely mentally taxing. 2017 has been full of loss, as two people who were more my grandparents than my bio-grandparents died, someone I was in love with flaked out of my life, I lost the closest of my local friends to their shitty and/or unethical choices, and I experienced a painful separation from one of my spirit-kin. And much more shit has happened in Topaz' life which affects me a lot, both indirectly through their feelings and because I have reactions to the stuff itself.

I think it makes sense that with the constant drain, my progress has been slow. But I feel hopeful that maybe I can continue improving and get to the point where I can spend my free time on stuff I actually want to do, not just on recovering from daily stresses.

If you could listen to an hour's audio footage of people talking about you behind your back. Would you listen to it or not listen to it? Why or why not? (from here)

My instinctive response is yes. If they were strangers I would want to find out what people's first impressions of me were like, and if they were people who knew me well, I would want to know their unedited opinion of me. I would be afraid that I would find out something unflattering about myself but I would want to know if that was the case so i could change it. BUT if they were someone who valued privacy and I knew that about them, I would not listen without their permission.

What is a gift you've always wished to receive but haven't yet? This can be as literal or figurative as fits.

Nearly everything I wanted since childhood I have either gotten or stopped wanting, with the possible exception of a live-in polyamorous household. I remember as a kid being confused that other kids only had one crush while I usually had 3 (the romance myth was one element of the kyriarchy that didn't get reinforced in my life). I daydreamed about having a giant house where the top two floors were mine and then everyone I loved lived on the other floors (lovers and friends and family). Yes even as a little kid I wanted my own damn space. So yeah, I would consider such a household a gift which I have wanted but not received.

And if I take it more literally, I always wanted a non-synthetic opal ring with lots of fire (white or red transparent, overall not much blue) or a glass pendant with opal pieces floating in oil inside it. My ex-spouse promised me a mexican fire opal ring as a symbol of our relationship, but never followed through.

Querencia: "a place from which one's strength is drawn, where one feels at home; the place where you are your most authentic self."

The other day someone posted this and I reflected on it. There is only one place* outside my home that I have felt this, and that is at TBC. The first year I went, I wasn't entirely sure what to expect, and when I went I spent most of the time with Kay and Kylei. But it was transformative: I met strangers and talked with them without that awful cloud of wondering if they were going to say something sexist or cissexist or ableist etc. I felt seen in a way that was incredibly validating; people expected to have to get to know me instead of thinking that it is okay to make assumptions based on my appearance. I was deeply terrified of not belonging so I was very cautious and didn't explore much. The next year when I went back, it was with a year of activism behind me, and the newfound realization that I didn't need to be perfect but I did need to give back, so I did. I gave a talk on building intimacy, ran an intimacy practice, and participated in a few panels. That year I felt exhausted but empowered: I could reach out to people, I could interact, I wasn't afraid of rejection. I learned a lot from others during the other sessions but I was at the final stage of falling into depression and all my relationships were going through major shifts so that took center stage. Right now my feelings are mixed. The two people I most associate with TBC are people that I'm exceedingly nervous about seeing. I suppose I should try to get temperatures there (I made the first small effort for that). Also, I really really want Topaz to go with me because I suspect it would be zir first taste of querencia but I don't know if ze will be able to, and I worry that if ze does go I will get caught up in introvert-sitting and won't immerse myself in the experience. But on the other hand, this will be my first time going without hiding or being deeply exhausted, and I can't imagine just how wonderful it could be. I suppose I'm 80% excited and 20% fretful. To feel safe in a place not my house: rare, sacred, necessary.

*I also feel querencia when I am around big trees and away from people, but I can never be sure that unsafe people will not approach, so it is fragile. At TBC even if unsafe people approach, I don't have to be on guard because I am not the only one who will resist oppression and repair a space made unsafe

I have been painfully busy this week. Today I just sat on the floor in my old room and looked around and wanted to cry and give up. There wasn't even that much there, I just felt so unable to do the organizing and the deciding. This move has been the hardest for me, emotionally, for a lot of reasons. I had actually bonded with the Maxwell House; it was the first place I've ever lived that really felt like MINE. I'm starting to love Freeflow but it's not home yet, and all of my art is still on the walls at the Maxwell House... I also felt sad because I felt less supported (number-of-people-wise) than I had in previous moves. Also I moved the big/heavy things before even packing my altar, and that was a huge mistake. Having to sleep in one house with my altar active in the other is like having my body split from my spirit. Kyle helped me get started packing it (handing me things one by one as I wrapped them, because I just could not do it alone), and I brought it home tonight.

That intense discomfort made me more aware and I've realized some things. I feel like Sekhmet-Mut has just become active in my life. I've had a figure of zir for a long time now, but just out of admiration, not out of a sense of zir presence -- I knew the statue wasn't of Bast but I didn't know who ze was. But I feel strongly that ze wants to be active in my life in this house specifically, and I feel like it has to do with the intent of this house's agreements. I also feel like the agreements are in alignment with Ma'at and that pleases me deeply. I also feel a heaviness at the idea of trying to be true continuously and not just re-direct when things start going wrong. I feel I have swung the pendulum too far within myself and I have faith that it will settle to a less scary place, but it will take time. Also, I used my sistrum for the first time in a VERY long time today and realized that I need to perform more active practice; it's a need that I too easily ignore. Also also I anointed myself with an oil that is sacred to me and was incredibly relieved to find that it smells the same; it is many many years old and scented oils are not made to last, especially in a container with a permeable (cork) lid. But I feel it has remained vibrant through being on my altar.

I'm so exhausted. I experienced my first dear-to-me death last week, and went to the wake last Sunday... I am still processing this; it was shocking to me because I didn't know ze was so ill. What do you do when the person just isn't there to talk to anymore? The wake was a powerful experience and I want to write about it but I'm just too wiped. I just need a shower (the hot water is not on here yet!) and to be able to sleep and then lounge all day, without any more fretting or deadlines or losses, for just a day. I'm hoping Sunday will be that day...

I've recently realized that the way I spend time and the way I think of home is different than most people I've lived with. Home, to me, is where I go to rest and feel secure -- and this usually involves being relaxed/passive/solitary. It's not where I want to spend most of my time -- it's where I want to go back to after adventures. If I'm happy and healthy I want to be OUT most of the time (at least 5 days out of 7), interacting with people and exploring. Being out satisfies my yearning to wander. The only times I spend vast lengths of time at home is when I'm feeling depressed or need to process/recover or feel like I have no one to explore with (I can explore on my own if it's warm, but if it's cold I need people with me to motivate me to brave the cold).

But for most people, "home is where the heart is" and home is where you are happiest spending your time. I remember this being a point of conflict when I lived with the Wynnes -- I loved that family more than anyone else I'd ever known, and I LOVED my room SO much (it was FULL of light and they let me paint it purple and green and it had a built-in-desk and its own full-of-light bathroom), 'yet' I was out all the time. I was working full time and going to school full time and dating and going to group therapy (which for me was a wonderful social activity), and I loved the whirl. I think Paula started to feel like I didn't care about them because I wasn't often home, and she started asking me to call when I was going to be out late (ostensibly so ze wouldn't worry but really I think because ze didn't want to feel forgotten) -- which I could never remember to do until it was already past the time ze'd be asleep. I didn't realize (until now) that it is possible they felt unloved or like I didn't want to live there -- yet it was probably my favorite place I've ever lived.

( it was also conflict with Ash and Ben and Arizona )

All this makes me worry that I'm not suited to live with people I'm close with because it seems really difficult to get around that expectation. My daydream looks like this: sharing living space (a house or multi-room flat) with people I love who are either wanderfooted or solitary or not emotionally invested in me; having my own, separate space; having communal space where everyone living there has equal freedom to invite people to (this is very important! I've NEVER had this and yearned for it all my life); having no one be sad if I'm gone for days at a stretch, and no one be upset if I'm home but don't want to interact. I dunno if that's possible. I hope so, and I want to try it with my lil sis and Kyle (who is probably more out-oriented than I am even) and maybe some others. Am I the only one who thinks of home like this?

I've recently realized that the way I spend time and the way I think of home is different than most people I've lived with. Home, to me, is where I go to rest and feel secure -- and this usually involves being relaxed/passive/solitary. It's not where I want to spend most of my time -- it's where I want to go back to after adventures. If I'm happy and healthy I want to be OUT most of the time (at least 5 days out of 7), interacting with people and exploring. Being out satisfies my yearning to wander. The only times I spend vast lengths of time at home is when I'm feeling depressed or need to process/recover or feel like I have no one to explore with (I can explore on my own if it's warm, but if it's cold I need people with me to motivate me to brave the cold).

But for most people, "home is where the heart is" and home is where you are happiest spending your time. I remember this being a point of conflict when I lived with the Wynnes -- I loved that family more than anyone else I'd ever known, and I LOVED my room SO much (it was FULL of light and they let me paint it purple and green and it had a built-in-desk and its own full-of-light bathroom), 'yet' I was out all the time. I was working full time and going to school full time and dating and going to group therapy (which for me was a wonderful social activity), and I loved the whirl. I think Paula started to feel like I didn't care about them because I wasn't often home, and she started asking me to call when I was going to be out late (ostensibly so ze wouldn't worry but really I think because ze didn't want to feel forgotten) -- which I could never remember to do until it was already past the time ze'd be asleep. I didn't realize (until now) that it is possible they felt unloved or like I didn't want to live there -- yet it was probably my favorite place I've ever lived.

( it was also conflict with Ash and Ben and Arizona )

All this makes me worry that I'm not suited to live with people I'm close with because it seems really difficult to get around that expectation. My daydream looks like this: sharing living space (a house or multi-room flat) with people I love who are either wanderfooted or solitary or not emotionally invested in me; having my own, separate space; having communal space where everyone living there has equal freedom to invite people to (this is very important! I've NEVER had this and yearned for it all my life); having no one be sad if I'm gone for days at a stretch, and no one be upset if I'm home but don't want to interact. I dunno if that's possible. I hope so, and I want to try it with my lil sis and Kyle (who is probably more out-oriented than I am even) and maybe some others. Am I the only one who thinks of home like this?

Ash and I had a little flatwarming party this weekend which was oh-so-much fun! We had the brilliant idea of designating a wall for collaborative painting and everyone was so creative! it turned out BEAUTIFULLY -- it's going to be in-progress indefinitely but it's already so lovely I could just sit and stare at it. I was sure it would be fascinating but I didn't realize that it would be so gorgeous! So colorful! I can't wait to have others over to add to it (especially Sara and Greta and Nicole!). Davey and S and Ash added more the day after, so it's even more colorful and amazing now. I'll take an overall photo soon -- for now you get bits n pieces ;-)




( photos! by me, Shel, and Sakka )

Ash and I had a little flatwarming party this weekend which was oh-so-much fun! We had the brilliant idea of designating a wall for collaborative painting and everyone was so creative! it turned out BEAUTIFULLY -- it's going to be in-progress indefinitely but it's already so lovely I could just sit and stare at it. I was sure it would be fascinating but I didn't realize that it would be so gorgeous! So colorful! I can't wait to have others over to add to it (especially Sara and Greta and Nicole!). Davey and S and Ash added more the day after, so it's even more colorful and amazing now. I'll take an overall photo soon -- for now you get bits n pieces ;-)




( photos! by me, Shel, and Sakka )

Sunday I went to Ash's wedding! It turned out to be a lovely day; witnessed an inspiring ceremony, spent charming time with Anna (camilleyun) for the first time in person (after knowing zir for many years online), visited GORGEOUS river & woods, and had many interesting conversations. I rode with elya (my partner's twin) and Miss K (my partner's parent) on the way to the falls after the ceremony and we had a fascinating conversation about how we define our morals and what our core values are (which is something I want to post on! feel free to guess my top 5 values :D). Then at the falls Anna and I sat in the shade (because I came completely unprepared for water or sun or slippery rocks) and talked about the nature of communication and connection. It was a really encouraging conversation and I felt really at home with Anna; I look forward to meeting up again ♥ Eventually those attempting to heat the grill admitted defeat and we headed back to Ash's to FINALLY have some food. There, Wolf and I had a really fascinating conversation about intellectual and spiritual responsibility and our slightly-different-but-still-agreeing views on the use of 'force' (manipulation, authoritative behavior), and then Ash and Stuart and Wolf discussed the balance of marriage (and I piped in every now and then). It was really great to spend more time with Nikki and Wolf, especially Wolf because I realized that while zir language can be very gendered, ze doesn't actually believe in most of the sexist concepts that zir language would seem to imply (I'm not talking about rude stuff -- I'm talking about phrases like "guy talk" or "you know women and shoes"). So while it still makes me twitch a bit, it doesn't bother me like it would otherwise. And when I say something contradictory in response ze doesn't get defensive or annoyed, so I don't feel like I need to bite my tongue all the time. And I just really enjoy zir company! Ze's one of the most warm and open-minded (yet stubborn! a rare combo which I enjoy :D) people I've ever met.

The whole group just had such a great dynamic! Next time I want to add in Viv, Sara, Shel, Ryan, Kat K, and maybe one or two others -- I actually have local people who I'd call FRIENDS. How fucking insanely fantastic is that???



( many photos! )

Sunday I went to Ash's wedding! It turned out to be a lovely day; witnessed an inspiring ceremony, spent charming time with Anna (camilleyun) for the first time in person (after knowing zir for many years online), visited GORGEOUS river & woods, and had many interesting conversations. I rode with elya (my partner's twin) and Miss K (my partner's parent) on the way to the falls after the ceremony and we had a fascinating conversation about how we define our morals and what our core values are (which is something I want to post on! feel free to guess my top 5 values :D). Then at the falls Anna and I sat in the shade (because I came completely unprepared for water or sun or slippery rocks) and talked about the nature of communication and connection. It was a really encouraging conversation and I felt really at home with Anna; I look forward to meeting up again ♥ Eventually those attempting to heat the grill admitted defeat and we headed back to Ash's to FINALLY have some food. There, Wolf and I had a really fascinating conversation about intellectual and spiritual responsibility and our slightly-different-but-still-agreeing views on the use of 'force' (manipulation, authoritative behavior), and then Ash and Stuart and Wolf discussed the balance of marriage (and I piped in every now and then). It was really great to spend more time with Nikki and Wolf, especially Wolf because I realized that while zir language can be very gendered, ze doesn't actually believe in most of the sexist concepts that zir language would seem to imply (I'm not talking about rude stuff -- I'm talking about phrases like "guy talk" or "you know women and shoes"). So while it still makes me twitch a bit, it doesn't bother me like it would otherwise. And when I say something contradictory in response ze doesn't get defensive or annoyed, so I don't feel like I need to bite my tongue all the time. And I just really enjoy zir company! Ze's one of the most warm and open-minded (yet stubborn! a rare combo which I enjoy :D) people I've ever met.

The whole group just had such a great dynamic! Next time I want to add in Viv, Sara, Shel, Ryan, Kat K, and maybe one or two others -- I actually have local people who I'd call FRIENDS. How fucking insanely fantastic is that???



( many photos! )

A few weeks ago I rearranged our bedroom, turning it from a place I hated to a place I love! Ben is much happier too -- now it feels like we have two rooms instead of only the living room. I created a photo-tour of my bedroom, because a video would require clothing due to the mirrors. And this is easier!

( photo-tour of my bedroom )

And now I shriek with joy because OMG PRESENTS!!!! From Kate (clown_frog) and Firekat (kmiotutsie)!!! Kate sent me a glitter bar (YAY!!!! glitter-wearing is so magical ♥), giant purple bath-fizzy ball, HENNA kit (can't wait to try it!), a bunch of stick-on wooden ladybugs (ladybugs always remind me of my childhood, I remember seeing a family of them in the bark of a tree and being absolutely delighted), cinnamon votives (that REALLY SMELL LIKE CINNAMON OMG, and strong too!!! I am going to use them in my sanctuary ♥ ♥ ♥), and best of all, a clear violet glass perfume vial. It is so incredibly delicate and wonder-of-all-wonders, made it here perfectly intact! All the way from Scotland! And that is magic from God/dess if I have ever seen it.

( the delicate violet-tinted vial! )

And from Firekat!!! A Mercedes Lackey book (a staple of fantasy reading, whom I've never tried!), Inga Muscio's Cunt (borrowed and read most of it, now yay I can finish it! plus who wouldn't want Cunt on her shelf?), a GORGEOUS mini-journal with handmade paper and a vivid-violet & burgandy cover, three lovely deep purple agate slices, and... a violet and emerald translucent glass gazing ball!!! also completely undamaged! I am soooooo loved!!! Firekat said she prayed that it would get here safely, and it's perfect. ♥ I'm awed!

( the violet & emerald glass ball! )

A few weeks ago I rearranged our bedroom, turning it from a place I hated to a place I love! Ben is much happier too -- now it feels like we have two rooms instead of only the living room. I created a photo-tour of my bedroom, because a video would require clothing due to the mirrors. And this is easier!

( photo-tour of my bedroom )

And now I shriek with joy because OMG PRESENTS!!!! From Kate (clown_frog) and Firekat (kmiotutsie)!!! Kate sent me a glitter bar (YAY!!!! glitter-wearing is so magical ♥), giant purple bath-fizzy ball, HENNA kit (can't wait to try it!), a bunch of stick-on wooden ladybugs (ladybugs always remind me of my childhood, I remember seeing a family of them in the bark of a tree and being absolutely delighted), cinnamon votives (that REALLY SMELL LIKE CINNAMON OMG, and strong too!!! I am going to use them in my sanctuary ♥ ♥ ♥), and best of all, a clear violet glass perfume vial. It is so incredibly delicate and wonder-of-all-wonders, made it here perfectly intact! All the way from Scotland! And that is magic from God/dess if I have ever seen it.

( the delicate violet-tinted vial! )

And from Firekat!!! A Mercedes Lackey book (a staple of fantasy reading, whom I've never tried!), Inga Muscio's Cunt (borrowed and read most of it, now yay I can finish it! plus who wouldn't want Cunt on her shelf?), a GORGEOUS mini-journal with handmade paper and a vivid-violet & burgandy cover, three lovely deep purple agate slices, and... a violet and emerald translucent glass gazing ball!!! also completely undamaged! I am soooooo loved!!! Firekat said she prayed that it would get here safely, and it's perfect. ♥ I'm awed!

( the violet & emerald glass ball! )

A few weeks ago I rearranged our bedroom, turning it from a place I hated to a place I love! Ben is much happier too -- now it feels like we have two rooms instead of only the living room. I created a photo-tour of my bedroom, because a video would require clothing due to the mirrors. And this is easier!

( photo-tour of my bedroom )

And now I shriek with joy because OMG PRESENTS!!!! From Kate (clown_frog) and Firekat (kmiotutsie)!!! Kate sent me a glitter bar (YAY!!!! glitter-wearing is so magical ♥), giant purple bath-fizzy ball, HENNA kit (can't wait to try it!), a bunch of stick-on wooden ladybugs (ladybugs always remind me of my childhood, I remember seeing a family of them in the bark of a tree and being absolutely delighted), cinnamon votives (that REALLY SMELL LIKE CINNAMON OMG, and strong too!!! I am going to use them in my sanctuary ♥ ♥ ♥), and best of all, a clear violet glass perfume vial. It is so incredibly delicate and wonder-of-all-wonders, made it here perfectly intact! All the way from Scotland! And that is magic from God/dess if I have ever seen it.

( the delicate violet-tinted vial! )

And from Firekat!!! A Mercedes Lackey book (a staple of fantasy reading, whom I've never tried!), Inga Muscio's Cunt (borrowed and read most of it, now yay I can finish it! plus who wouldn't want Cunt on her shelf?), a GORGEOUS mini-journal with handmade paper and a vivid-violet & burgandy cover, three lovely deep purple agate slices, and... a violet and emerald translucent glass gazing ball!!! also completely undamaged! I am soooooo loved!!! Firekat said she prayed that it would get here safely, and it's perfect. ♥ I'm awed!

( the violet & emerald glass ball! )

alariya already posted about this night here, and sabr here, and malignlibra here, but I want to add my own perspective (and only mutual friends can see those entries)...

alariya had just gotten out of a relationship -- after a long time of slowly gathering the courage to end it. I'd been waiting, hoping, waiting, hoping for it to end, after realizing some negative things about the guy she was with. The long and the short of it was, there was (unintentional but still extremely harmful) abuse, and they were mutually keeping each other from growth. I grew increasingly more disturbed by the relationship, but I knew that she wasn't ready to let go, so we'd have a talk about it and then I would tell her that she would do it when she was ready and then we'd avoid the subject altogether for a while... Finally, a few weeks ago I had one explosive wrenching conversation with her and she told me some things that helped me to understand why it was so hard for her to get out, and I think she just finally reached the point where she realized it needed to end, and realized she had the strength to do it. So the next day she ended it, but it didn't go down well with the guy and she was in a lot of pain and self-doubt.

So I decided that I wanted to do a cleansing ritual / celebration-of-Analariya -- to help her break with the past, realize the wonder of who she is, and be affirmed in the truth and bravery of her decision. I told her to invite whomever she would like, and so sabr and Kazi (malignlibra) and Cherise came over. ( about SabR and Kazi )

Spending time getting to know SabR and Kazi wasn't the original plan, but I think it was so meant to be. I'm really glad they came. After they left, Cherise lay down on the sofa and napped off and on, and I began the ritual. I would have been okay with everyone participating if they had wanted, but I think they'd have been too self-conscious and I was too self-conscious to 'perform' in front of watchers. It all worked out so beautifully.

I got a pillow for Alariya and had her lie down on my scarlet sheet on the floor, and I lit candles and placed them around her -- three clustered at her head, three spread at her feet, one above and to her right. I lit incense and began playing Michelle Tumes' song "Healing Waters": ( the end of a road that I have followed... ) As it played, I waved the incense over her, around her, covering her from head to toe, imagining the lies burning and going up in the smoke, imagining the truth wisping down and sinking deeply in. She absorbed it, but I sensed that she wasn't completely there, was still too afraid to let go. I almost did it all over again and then realized that I could instead do a series of three -- a sacred number to her.

So I had her kneel on the pillow, and set another song playing -- "Rest My Soul": ( be still my dreams, lay beside me ) This time I told her to concentrate on the lyrics, and I wafted the incense all around her, and chose to let her feel the change within herself when she began to cry, though I wanted to hold her -- I felt that I was an instrument and the real thing that was happening was just her spirit and God, and I didn't want to interrupt or be a distraction. When the song was over, she told me that she felt the broken edges of her spirit knitting together during the song... I was awed.

Finally, I asked her to stand, and I began a song which is to me an anthem of LIFE -- "Feel": ( free restraint and struggle no more! ) This song has incredibly deep meaning to me -- I want to sing it to every person and have them take the words in and LIVE, truly live. At the first chorus I lifted Alariya's arm, and she took my meaning and raised them both, defiantly, boldly, to grasp all that life has to offer, all the glories that God has given. To embrace emotion in all its terrible pain and all its healing, liberating power.

I had written words and phrases on slips of paper, intending for the four of us to draw them and copy the words/phrases from our slips of paper onto Alariya's body. After the cleansing, I went to get them and sifted them through my fingers, setting aside the last one to cling to my fingers each time until I had three. I then held them for Alariya to choose one at a time, and she chose them in the same order that I had drawn them (which I think was proof that they were exactly the right words). I had her lay down again and I wrote the words on her belly, the center of her body. They aren't the three that I would have chosen, but I think that God had special meaning in each of them for her. The words were:"Alive"
"Unashamed"
"Honest"

And I think she is more alive, more unashamed, and more honest in the time since then than she has ever been before. ♥

Finally I had her close her eyes and hold out her arms, and I placed in them the present I had gotten for her -- a purple body pillow. I know sometimes the most lonely you feel is when you are trying to sleep, so I wanted her to have a physical reminder that she is not alone, that she is loved -- which is why I got a purple one, to represent her closest friends (who all love purple). I told her to sleep with that and remember that we love her and even if we are not with her physically, we are always there, always loving her.

alariya already posted about this night here, and sabr here, and malignlibra here, but I want to add my own perspective (and only mutual friends can see those entries)...

alariya had just gotten out of a relationship -- after a long time of slowly gathering the courage to end it. I'd been waiting, hoping, waiting, hoping for it to end, after realizing some negative things about the guy she was with. The long and the short of it was, there was (unintentional but still extremely harmful) abuse, and they were mutually keeping each other from growth. I grew increasingly more disturbed by the relationship, but I knew that she wasn't ready to let go, so we'd have a talk about it and then I would tell her that she would do it when she was ready and then we'd avoid the subject altogether for a while... Finally, a few weeks ago I had one explosive wrenching conversation with her and she told me some things that helped me to understand why it was so hard for her to get out, and I think she just finally reached the point where she realized it needed to end, and realized she had the strength to do it. So the next day she ended it, but it didn't go down well with the guy and she was in a lot of pain and self-doubt.

So I decided that I wanted to do a cleansing ritual / celebration-of-Analariya -- to help her break with the past, realize the wonder of who she is, and be affirmed in the truth and bravery of her decision. I told her to invite whomever she would like, and so sabr and Kazi (malignlibra) and Cherise came over. ( about SabR and Kazi )

Spending time getting to know SabR and Kazi wasn't the original plan, but I think it was so meant to be. I'm really glad they came. After they left, Cherise lay down on the sofa and napped off and on, and I began the ritual. I would have been okay with everyone participating if they had wanted, but I think they'd have been too self-conscious and I was too self-conscious to 'perform' in front of watchers. It all worked out so beautifully.

I got a pillow for Alariya and had her lie down on my scarlet sheet on the floor, and I lit candles and placed them around her -- three clustered at her head, three spread at her feet, one above and to her right. I lit incense and began playing Michelle Tumes' song "Healing Waters": ( the end of a road that I have followed... ) As it played, I waved the incense over her, around her, covering her from head to toe, imagining the lies burning and going up in the smoke, imagining the truth wisping down and sinking deeply in. She absorbed it, but I sensed that she wasn't completely there, was still too afraid to let go. I almost did it all over again and then realized that I could instead do a series of three -- a sacred number to her.

So I had her kneel on the pillow, and set another song playing -- "Rest My Soul": ( be still my dreams, lay beside me ) This time I told her to concentrate on the lyrics, and I wafted the incense all around her, and chose to let her feel the change within herself when she began to cry, though I wanted to hold her -- I felt that I was an instrument and the real thing that was happening was just her spirit and God, and I didn't want to interrupt or be a distraction. When the song was over, she told me that she felt the broken edges of her spirit knitting together during the song... I was awed.

Finally, I asked her to stand, and I began a song which is to me an anthem of LIFE -- "Feel": ( free restraint and struggle no more! ) This song has incredibly deep meaning to me -- I want to sing it to every person and have them take the words in and LIVE, truly live. At the first chorus I lifted Alariya's arm, and she took my meaning and raised them both, defiantly, boldly, to grasp all that life has to offer, all the glories that God has given. To embrace emotion in all its terrible pain and all its healing, liberating power.

I had written words and phrases on slips of paper, intending for the four of us to draw them and copy the words/phrases from our slips of paper onto Alariya's body. After the cleansing, I went to get them and sifted them through my fingers, setting aside the last one to cling to my fingers each time until I had three. I then held them for Alariya to choose one at a time, and she chose them in the same order that I had drawn them (which I think was proof that they were exactly the right words). I had her lay down again and I wrote the words on her belly, the center of her body. They aren't the three that I would have chosen, but I think that God had special meaning in each of them for her. The words were:"Alive"
"Unashamed"
"Honest"

And I think she is more alive, more unashamed, and more honest in the time since then than she has ever been before. ♥

Finally I had her close her eyes and hold out her arms, and I placed in them the present I had gotten for her -- a purple body pillow. I know sometimes the most lonely you feel is when you are trying to sleep, so I wanted her to have a physical reminder that she is not alone, that she is loved -- which is why I got a purple one, to represent her closest friends (who all love purple). I told her to sleep with that and remember that we love her and even if we are not with her physically, we are always there, always loving her.

alariya already posted about this night here, and sabr here, and malignlibra here, but I want to add my own perspective (and only mutual friends can see those entries)...

alariya had just gotten out of a relationship -- after a long time of slowly gathering the courage to end it. I'd been waiting, hoping, waiting, hoping for it to end, after realizing some negative things about the guy she was with. The long and the short of it was, there was (unintentional but still extremely harmful) abuse, and they were mutually keeping each other from growth. I grew increasingly more disturbed by the relationship, but I knew that she wasn't ready to let go, so we'd have a talk about it and then I would tell her that she would do it when she was ready and then we'd avoid the subject altogether for a while... Finally, a few weeks ago I had one explosive wrenching conversation with her and she told me some things that helped me to understand why it was so hard for her to get out, and I think she just finally reached the point where she realized it needed to end, and realized she had the strength to do it. So the next day she ended it, but it didn't go down well with the guy and she was in a lot of pain and self-doubt.

So I decided that I wanted to do a cleansing ritual / celebration-of-Analariya -- to help her break with the past, realize the wonder of who she is, and be affirmed in the truth and bravery of her decision. I told her to invite whomever she would like, and so sabr and Kazi (malignlibra) and Cherise came over. ( about SabR and Kazi )

Spending time getting to know SabR and Kazi wasn't the original plan, but I think it was so meant to be. I'm really glad they came. After they left, Cherise lay down on the sofa and napped off and on, and I began the ritual. I would have been okay with everyone participating if they had wanted, but I think they'd have been too self-conscious and I was too self-conscious to 'perform' in front of watchers. It all worked out so beautifully.

I got a pillow for Alariya and had her lie down on my scarlet sheet on the floor, and I lit candles and placed them around her -- three clustered at her head, three spread at her feet, one above and to her right. I lit incense and began playing Michelle Tumes' song "Healing Waters": ( the end of a road that I have followed... ) As it played, I waved the incense over her, around her, covering her from head to toe, imagining the lies burning and going up in the smoke, imagining the truth wisping down and sinking deeply in. She absorbed it, but I sensed that she wasn't completely there, was still too afraid to let go. I almost did it all over again and then realized that I could instead do a series of three -- a sacred number to her.

So I had her kneel on the pillow, and set another song playing -- "Rest My Soul": ( be still my dreams, lay beside me ) This time I told her to concentrate on the lyrics, and I wafted the incense all around her, and chose to let her feel the change within herself when she began to cry, though I wanted to hold her -- I felt that I was an instrument and the real thing that was happening was just her spirit and God, and I didn't want to interrupt or be a distraction. When the song was over, she told me that she felt the broken edges of her spirit knitting together during the song... I was awed.

Finally, I asked her to stand, and I began a song which is to me an anthem of LIFE -- "Feel": ( free restraint and struggle no more! ) This song has incredibly deep meaning to me -- I want to sing it to every person and have them take the words in and LIVE, truly live. At the first chorus I lifted Alariya's arm, and she took my meaning and raised them both, defiantly, boldly, to grasp all that life has to offer, all the glories that God has given. To embrace emotion in all its terrible pain and all its healing, liberating power.

I had written words and phrases on slips of paper, intending for the four of us to draw them and copy the words/phrases from our slips of paper onto Alariya's body. After the cleansing, I went to get them and sifted them through my fingers, setting aside the last one to cling to my fingers each time until I had three. I then held them for Alariya to choose one at a time, and she chose them in the same order that I had drawn them (which I think was proof that they were exactly the right words). I had her lay down again and I wrote the words on her belly, the center of her body. They aren't the three that I would have chosen, but I think that God had special meaning in each of them for her. The words were:"Alive"
"Unashamed"
"Honest"

And I think she is more alive, more unashamed, and more honest in the time since then than she has ever been before. ♥

Finally I had her close her eyes and hold out her arms, and I placed in them the present I had gotten for her -- a purple body pillow. I know sometimes the most lonely you feel is when you are trying to sleep, so I wanted her to have a physical reminder that she is not alone, that she is loved -- which is why I got a purple one, to represent her closest friends (who all love purple). I told her to sleep with that and remember that we love her and even if we are not with her physically, we are always there, always loving her.

We waited at the airport for hours, my neck getting increasingly sore from craning to spot her, scanning every girl's face who was remotely her height because I was paranoid that I wouldn't recognize her, and of course the second I walk away to get food because I'm faint from not having eaten all day, she shows up. So I come back with my hands full and am disconcerted when Ben isn't where I left him, my heart starts beating fast, I look around and there she is! I recognize her immediately and am completely blown away by how much more beautiful she is in real life than she is in photos (she said she'll never forget the surprised, delighted look on my face). A photo can only capture a fleeting glimpse of a person, and it can be an incredibly telling glimpse, but it is so weak compared to the real thing. She smiles excitedly and runs over and throws her arms around me, and I hug her back hard, utterly overwhelmed. That moment is emblazoned on my soul. ♥ In a minute we go over to the luggage claim, holding hands and grinning at each other, barely able to speak... and on the ride home we cuddled in the car, instantly comfortable with loving touch. She lay in my lap and I traced her face with my fingers, not yet able to believe that she was really there... We were both so exhausted (me emotionally, her both emotionally and physically after the 10-hour flight) that we went to sleep shortly after we got home, relaxed enough to be naked together after less than an hour. Oh -- but before we went to sleep I gave her a bunch of gifts that I had intended to mail but didn't, including the chenille throw that I had written on in dye pen, and she loooooooooved it. I don't think she could have loved it any more if I had actually finished it (I only finished writing along one end). It made me so happy that it meant so much to her! ( hannah cuddling the blanket )

The next morning I had to go for a pelvic sonogram, which Ashley sweetly drove me to, and Hannah came along of course. We were all ( glittery and giggling ) in the waiting room -- I think we offended the elderly couple waiting there, pish tush to them. When the nurse called my name I asked if they could come along and she seemed to think that was a strange request but she agreed easily. Then while I was on the table with my very full bladder (apparently that makes things more visible, ugh) the nurse informed me that the doctor wanted me to have a vaginal ultrasound too. So, to the tune of many jokes from Ashley and laughter from us (especially the nurse, who has never had so much fun with such a simple procedure, I'm sure), I had the completely unexpected joy of inserting a probe up my *ahem* and then having my insides prodded and poked -- with an audience. I don't think many people would be comfortable with that -- one of the reasons I love the three of us. ;-D It was actually fun!

Afterward we went to Hardee's and Hannah learned that in America, a biscuit is not a cookie. She thought the sausage biscuits and cinnamon raisin biscuits were delicious! Then Ashley took us to Boling Park and we went on a lushly sunny, hot, green barefoot walk to the A-bridge in the woods. We mostly walked beside the pathway because we have tender feet (especially me *shame*) and at one crossing Ashley just picked me up and walked me across the path! Hannah snapped photos. ;-) On the way back from the bridge (which was quite amazing) Hannah imitated Kanika's 'horny dance' (she was in heat) and didn't realize until AFTERWARDS that there were two guys behind her! We laughed and laughed and she fake-scowled at us for not telling her (we really hadn't noticed). She actually does a very good impression of Kanika! Just before we left we rolled down the hill... SO fun, haven't done that since before I had breasts!

( lush, hot greenery and three amazing women )

Hannah and I dropped Ashley off at work since she offered to let us have the car, but when we got home we started talking and ended up talking forever and then to taking a shower. It's so wonderful to be with a fellow nudist -- honest and comfortable (and it saves time and water). *happy sigh* Then we went through my entire closet and I gave her everything that didn't fit me but fit her -- we have very similar taste and she's the same size I was for a long time. It was so easy to let it go when I knew it was going to her, and that she looked so incredible in everything I gave her. She had to get another bag to get it all home though. ( me in my favorite dress, which I had to show her -- this was before I picked up her photoaddiction or there would have been photos of her trying stuff on, grr. )

then hannah gave me a soulfriendship ring!!!!! ( reflection of openness ) It's actually a half of one ring -- the two can be worn together to form a marquise shape. I can't even express how much I love this ring, it's my favorite piece of jewelry by far and possibly my favorite possession. She chose it because it represents our soulfriendship and the similarity of our twin violet spirits -- we are separate, but also one. I love the shape -- it seems so open to me, and for whatever reason it really looks to me like an Egyptian on a nile boat, which I see as being symbolic of hannah and I making the journey of life together. I also love it just as a work of art -- a mixture of delicate complexity (the stone) and strong simplicity (the band). And I love the fact that it is so incredibly unique. And I love that it is silver and amethyst! and that the amethyst has flashes of vivid violet in its depths. And I love the texturizing of the flat side of the band, which says to me that the journey won't be smooth, yet we will still be one. And I love the fact that it means as much to her as it does to me and she wears it every day. ♥

Then we picked Ashley up from work and Ben and Ashley and Hannah and I went to my favorite restaurant and had deliiiiiiiicious food (and Hannah ate about a pound of jalapenos!). I was so happy that Hannah loved it. ( photos on the way there and at the restaurant ) Afterwards we went home and (the three girls) had a deep conversation about past relationships and how amazing it is that we have found each other. Tears are so refreshing when there is someone who is honored to wipe them away and cuddle you.

Saturday was a really short day -- we got up late, went to the mall (to shop in Torrid and Fredericks of Hollywood) for a few hours, came home and went back to bed. I think we were both worn out from the day before, and being in the mall atmosphere didn't help. Malls are so full of people trying to project an image that doesn't reflect their true selves at all, while judging themselves (and therefore everyone else) so harshly. And everyone walks around in their detachment bubbles, ignoring their human need for connectedness out of fear of rejection and judgement. UGH! But anyway, Hannah was upset and I didn't realize because I was in a sort of detachment bubble myself, and that hurt her, and then when I realized I felt terrible but we pretty quickly worked it out and went straight to sleep. (that wasn't one of the 'fights,' in case you were wondering) The trip wasn't a total loss though, because Hannah got a fabulous purple bra and gouchos and a skirt from Torrid and we both got these AMAZING black dresses which were used in the formal photoshoot, so you shall see them eventually.

Consider this icon a preview of the formal photoshoot post. ;-D

We waited at the airport for hours, my neck getting increasingly sore from craning to spot her, scanning every girl's face who was remotely her height because I was paranoid that I wouldn't recognize her, and of course the second I walk away to get food because I'm faint from not having eaten all day, she shows up. So I come back with my hands full and am disconcerted when Ben isn't where I left him, my heart starts beating fast, I look around and there she is! I recognize her immediately and am completely blown away by how much more beautiful she is in real life than she is in photos (she said she'll never forget the surprised, delighted look on my face). A photo can only capture a fleeting glimpse of a person, and it can be an incredibly telling glimpse, but it is so weak compared to the real thing. She smiles excitedly and runs over and throws her arms around me, and I hug her back hard, utterly overwhelmed. That moment is emblazoned on my soul. ♥ In a minute we go over to the luggage claim, holding hands and grinning at each other, barely able to speak... and on the ride home we cuddled in the car, instantly comfortable with loving touch. She lay in my lap and I traced her face with my fingers, not yet able to believe that she was really there... We were both so exhausted (me emotionally, her both emotionally and physically after the 10-hour flight) that we went to sleep shortly after we got home, relaxed enough to be naked together after less than an hour. Oh -- but before we went to sleep I gave her a bunch of gifts that I had intended to mail but didn't, including the chenille throw that I had written on in dye pen, and she loooooooooved it. I don't think she could have loved it any more if I had actually finished it (I only finished writing along one end). It made me so happy that it meant so much to her! ( hannah cuddling the blanket )

The next morning I had to go for a pelvic sonogram, which Ashley sweetly drove me to, and Hannah came along of course. We were all ( glittery and giggling ) in the waiting room -- I think we offended the elderly couple waiting there, pish tush to them. When the nurse called my name I asked if they could come along and she seemed to think that was a strange request but she agreed easily. Then while I was on the table with my very full bladder (apparently that makes things more visible, ugh) the nurse informed me that the doctor wanted me to have a vaginal ultrasound too. So, to the tune of many jokes from Ashley and laughter from us (especially the nurse, who has never had so much fun with such a simple procedure, I'm sure), I had the completely unexpected joy of inserting a probe up my *ahem* and then having my insides prodded and poked -- with an audience. I don't think many people would be comfortable with that -- one of the reasons I love the three of us. ;-D It was actually fun!

Afterward we went to Hardee's and Hannah learned that in America, a biscuit is not a cookie. She thought the sausage biscuits and cinnamon raisin biscuits were delicious! Then Ashley took us to Boling Park and we went on a lushly sunny, hot, green barefoot walk to the A-bridge in the woods. We mostly walked beside the pathway because we have tender feet (especially me *shame*) and at one crossing Ashley just picked me up and walked me across the path! Hannah snapped photos. ;-) On the way back from the bridge (which was quite amazing) Hannah imitated Kanika's 'horny dance' (she was in heat) and didn't realize until AFTERWARDS that there were two guys behind her! We laughed and laughed and she fake-scowled at us for not telling her (we really hadn't noticed). She actually does a very good impression of Kanika! Just before we left we rolled down the hill... SO fun, haven't done that since before I had breasts!

( lush, hot greenery and three amazing women )

Hannah and I dropped Ashley off at work since she offered to let us have the car, but when we got home we started talking and ended up talking forever and then to taking a shower. It's so wonderful to be with a fellow nudist -- honest and comfortable (and it saves time and water). *happy sigh* Then we went through my entire closet and I gave her everything that didn't fit me but fit her -- we have very similar taste and she's the same size I was for a long time. It was so easy to let it go when I knew it was going to her, and that she looked so incredible in everything I gave her. She had to get another bag to get it all home though. ( me in my favorite dress, which I had to show her -- this was before I picked up her photoaddiction or there would have been photos of her trying stuff on, grr. )

then hannah gave me a soulfriendship ring!!!!! ( reflection of openness ) It's actually a half of one ring -- the two can be worn together to form a marquise shape. I can't even express how much I love this ring, it's my favorite piece of jewelry by far and possibly my favorite possession. She chose it because it represents our soulfriendship and the similarity of our twin violet spirits -- we are separate, but also one. I love the shape -- it seems so open to me, and for whatever reason it really looks to me like an Egyptian on a nile boat, which I see as being symbolic of hannah and I making the journey of life together. I also love it just as a work of art -- a mixture of delicate complexity (the stone) and strong simplicity (the band). And I love the fact that it is so incredibly unique. And I love that it is silver and amethyst! and that the amethyst has flashes of vivid violet in its depths. And I love the texturizing of the flat side of the band, which says to me that the journey won't be smooth, yet we will still be one. And I love the fact that it means as much to her as it does to me and she wears it every day. ♥

Then we picked Ashley up from work and Ben and Ashley and Hannah and I went to my favorite restaurant and had deliiiiiiiicious food (and Hannah ate about a pound of jalapenos!). I was so happy that Hannah loved it. ( photos on the way there and at the restaurant ) Afterwards we went home and (the three girls) had a deep conversation about past relationships and how amazing it is that we have found each other. Tears are so refreshing when there is someone who is honored to wipe them away and cuddle you.

Saturday was a really short day -- we got up late, went to the mall (to shop in Torrid and Fredericks of Hollywood) for a few hours, came home and went back to bed. I think we were both worn out from the day before, and being in the mall atmosphere didn't help. Malls are so full of people trying to project an image that doesn't reflect their true selves at all, while judging themselves (and therefore everyone else) so harshly. And everyone walks around in their detachment bubbles, ignoring their human need for connectedness out of fear of rejection and judgement. UGH! But anyway, Hannah was upset and I didn't realize because I was in a sort of detachment bubble myself, and that hurt her, and then when I realized I felt terrible but we pretty quickly worked it out and went straight to sleep. (that wasn't one of the 'fights,' in case you were wondering) The trip wasn't a total loss though, because Hannah got a fabulous purple bra and gouchos and a skirt from Torrid and we both got these AMAZING black dresses which were used in the formal photoshoot, so you shall see them eventually.

Consider this icon a preview of the formal photoshoot post. ;-D

We waited at the airport for hours, my neck getting increasingly sore from craning to spot her, scanning every girl's face who was remotely her height because I was paranoid that I wouldn't recognize her, and of course the second I walk away to get food because I'm faint from not having eaten all day, she shows up. So I come back with my hands full and am disconcerted when Ben isn't where I left him, my heart starts beating fast, I look around and there she is! I recognize her immediately and am completely blown away by how much more beautiful she is in real life than she is in photos (she said she'll never forget the surprised, delighted look on my face). A photo can only capture a fleeting glimpse of a person, and it can be an incredibly telling glimpse, but it is so weak compared to the real thing. She smiles excitedly and runs over and throws her arms around me, and I hug her back hard, utterly overwhelmed. That moment is emblazoned on my soul. ♥ In a minute we go over to the luggage claim, holding hands and grinning at each other, barely able to speak... and on the ride home we cuddled in the car, instantly comfortable with loving touch. She lay in my lap and I traced her face with my fingers, not yet able to believe that she was really there... We were both so exhausted (me emotionally, her both emotionally and physically after the 10-hour flight) that we went to sleep shortly after we got home, relaxed enough to be naked together after less than an hour. Oh -- but before we went to sleep I gave her a bunch of gifts that I had intended to mail but didn't, including the chenille throw that I had written on in dye pen, and she loooooooooved it. I don't think she could have loved it any more if I had actually finished it (I only finished writing along one end). It made me so happy that it meant so much to her! ( hannah cuddling the blanket )

The next morning I had to go for a pelvic sonogram, which Ashley sweetly drove me to, and Hannah came along of course. We were all ( glittery and giggling ) in the waiting room -- I think we offended the elderly couple waiting there, pish tush to them. When the nurse called my name I asked if they could come along and she seemed to think that was a strange request but she agreed easily. Then while I was on the table with my very full bladder (apparently that makes things more visible, ugh) the nurse informed me that the doctor wanted me to have a vaginal ultrasound too. So, to the tune of many jokes from Ashley and laughter from us (especially the nurse, who has never had so much fun with such a simple procedure, I'm sure), I had the completely unexpected joy of inserting a probe up my *ahem* and then having my insides prodded and poked -- with an audience. I don't think many people would be comfortable with that -- one of the reasons I love the three of us. ;-D It was actually fun!

Afterward we went to Hardee's and Hannah learned that in America, a biscuit is not a cookie. She thought the sausage biscuits and cinnamon raisin biscuits were delicious! Then Ashley took us to Boling Park and we went on a lushly sunny, hot, green barefoot walk to the A-bridge in the woods. We mostly walked beside the pathway because we have tender feet (especially me *shame*) and at one crossing Ashley just picked me up and walked me across the path! Hannah snapped photos. ;-) On the way back from the bridge (which was quite amazing) Hannah imitated Kanika's 'horny dance' (she was in heat) and didn't realize until AFTERWARDS that there were two guys behind her! We laughed and laughed and she fake-scowled at us for not telling her (we really hadn't noticed). She actually does a very good impression of Kanika! Just before we left we rolled down the hill... SO fun, haven't done that since before I had breasts!

( lush, hot greenery and three amazing women )

Hannah and I dropped Ashley off at work since she offered to let us have the car, but when we got home we started talking and ended up talking forever and then to taking a shower. It's so wonderful to be with a fellow nudist -- honest and comfortable (and it saves time and water). *happy sigh* Then we went through my entire closet and I gave her everything that didn't fit me but fit her -- we have very similar taste and she's the same size I was for a long time. It was so easy to let it go when I knew it was going to her, and that she looked so incredible in everything I gave her. She had to get another bag to get it all home though. ( me in my favorite dress, which I had to show her -- this was before I picked up her photoaddiction or there would have been photos of her trying stuff on, grr. )

then hannah gave me a soulfriendship ring!!!!! ( reflection of openness ) It's actually a half of one ring -- the two can be worn together to form a marquise shape. I can't even express how much I love this ring, it's my favorite piece of jewelry by far and possibly my favorite possession. She chose it because it represents our soulfriendship and the similarity of our twin violet spirits -- we are separate, but also one. I love the shape -- it seems so open to me, and for whatever reason it really looks to me like an Egyptian on a nile boat, which I see as being symbolic of hannah and I making the journey of life together. I also love it just as a work of art -- a mixture of delicate complexity (the stone) and strong simplicity (the band). And I love the fact that it is so incredibly unique. And I love that it is silver and amethyst! and that the amethyst has flashes of vivid violet in its depths. And I love the texturizing of the flat side of the band, which says to me that the journey won't be smooth, yet we will still be one. And I love the fact that it means as much to her as it does to me and she wears it every day. ♥

Then we picked Ashley up from work and Ben and Ashley and Hannah and I went to my favorite restaurant and had deliiiiiiiicious food (and Hannah ate about a pound of jalapenos!). I was so happy that Hannah loved it. ( photos on the way there and at the restaurant ) Afterwards we went home and (the three girls) had a deep conversation about past relationships and how amazing it is that we have found each other. Tears are so refreshing when there is someone who is honored to wipe them away and cuddle you.

Saturday was a really short day -- we got up late, went to the mall (to shop in Torrid and Fredericks of Hollywood) for a few hours, came home and went back to bed. I think we were both worn out from the day before, and being in the mall atmosphere didn't help. Malls are so full of people trying to project an image that doesn't reflect their true selves at all, while judging themselves (and therefore everyone else) so harshly. And everyone walks around in their detachment bubbles, ignoring their human need for connectedness out of fear of rejection and judgement. UGH! But anyway, Hannah was upset and I didn't realize because I was in a sort of detachment bubble myself, and that hurt her, and then when I realized I felt terrible but we pretty quickly worked it out and went straight to sleep. (that wasn't one of the 'fights,' in case you were wondering) The trip wasn't a total loss though, because Hannah got a fabulous purple bra and gouchos and a skirt from Torrid and we both got these AMAZING black dresses which were used in the formal photoshoot, so you shall see them eventually.

Consider this icon a preview of the formal photoshoot post. ;-D

this is what happens when I have live batteries!

yay new icons!

( photos of Kanika's boyfriend, the coffeehouse, the green couch, and myself at the park )

this is what happens when I have live batteries!

yay new icons!

( photos of Kanika's boyfriend, the coffeehouse, the green couch, and myself at the park )

this is what happens when I have live batteries!

yay new icons!

( photos of Kanika's boyfriend, the coffeehouse, the green couch, and myself at the park )

I almost never post anything but very flattering, carefully posed and perfectly lighted photos, and that has started to bother me of late.  I don't feel like it is dishonest, really, since the photos I usually post are artistic and therefore supposed to be planned and aesthetically pleasing -- but I don't like the idea that someone would get the impression that I am this poised, unruffled, eternally glamourous laaaaaaaaady when in reality I am usually messy and weird.  So I am going to post some photos that are quite spontaneous and silly -- originally taken for the benefit of shmee_ but now to be shared with the world.

I might sound confident but I'm a little nervous, so if you decide to comment, please keep them positive or neutral and don't point out the ones you especially dislike.

I almost never post anything but very flattering, carefully posed and perfectly lighted photos, and that has started to bother me of late.  I don't feel like it is dishonest, really, since the photos I usually post are artistic and therefore supposed to be planned and aesthetically pleasing -- but I don't like the idea that someone would get the impression that I am this poised, unruffled, eternally glamourous laaaaaaaaady when in reality I am usually messy and weird.  So I am going to post some photos that are quite spontaneous and silly -- originally taken for the benefit of shmee_ but now to be shared with the world.

I might sound confident but I'm a little nervous, so if you decide to comment, please keep them positive or neutral and don't point out the ones you especially dislike.

I almost never post anything but very flattering, carefully posed and perfectly lighted photos, and that has started to bother me of late.  I don't feel like it is dishonest, really, since the photos I usually post are artistic and therefore supposed to be planned and aesthetically pleasing -- but I don't like the idea that someone would get the impression that I am this poised, unruffled, eternally glamourous laaaaaaaaady when in reality I am usually messy and weird.  So I am going to post some photos that are quite spontaneous and silly -- originally taken for the benefit of shmee_ but now to be shared with the world.

I might sound confident but I'm a little nervous, so if you decide to comment, please keep them positive or neutral and don't point out the ones you especially dislike.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! *dancedancedance*

Saturday morning I woke up and had an urge to get my hair cut -- not the cut I had been thinking of, but something more Alice-y -- and dyed, so I called up my lovely Analariya and asked if she minded if we spent our day doing that. She thought it was a great idea, so off we went to get my first real haircut (I've only ever had trims before) and my first dye job. I told the hairdresser that I wanted something "chunky and messy and weird" and what I ended up with was a perfect blend of my previous idea and the new oddness that I had thought of. It suits me soooooo well -- Chris is a genious, I tell you. It was pricey -- by far the most I have ever spent on mere vanity -- but OH so worth it. I think I am going to be a haircut/dye junkie now. *eeshk*

ANDDDDD the vibrant color is SSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO perfect! *danceX80million* I've worked twice since I got it done, and had unanimous compliments from EVERYONE who has seen it, tons and tons of coworkers! Even Miss K, Ben's mom, liked the cut -- though she may need a while to get used to the color.

I had no idea hair could make such a huge difference -- and not just in my appearance! As Chris was cutting, I watched in the mirror and saw myself growing more confident, more free. This is so ME, so Bel, as Ben (or was it Alariya?) said. But I think it was like a completion of something already begun -- the old me would never have just decided, "I'll get my hair cut/dyed today" especially not in an unplanned style, and definitely would not have let the stylists just do their thing with the cut and color. And old me would have felt too awkward to go back in search of Chris to tell her I thought she had fabulous legs (I believe that if you think something nice about someone you should tell them, and she did have amazing legs). New me thought, "Okay self, do you really want to give up this opportunity to encourage someone for the sake of a tiny bit of discomfort?" and realized that the answer was "definitely not."

( proudly makeupless me, my amazing hair and my favorite pair of earrings )

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! *dancedancedance*

Saturday morning I woke up and had an urge to get my hair cut -- not the cut I had been thinking of, but something more Alice-y -- and dyed, so I called up my lovely Analariya and asked if she minded if we spent our day doing that. She thought it was a great idea, so off we went to get my first real haircut (I've only ever had trims before) and my first dye job. I told the hairdresser that I wanted something "chunky and messy and weird" and what I ended up with was a perfect blend of my previous idea and the new oddness that I had thought of. It suits me soooooo well -- Chris is a genious, I tell you. It was pricey -- by far the most I have ever spent on mere vanity -- but OH so worth it. I think I am going to be a haircut/dye junkie now. *eeshk*

ANDDDDD the vibrant color is SSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO perfect! *danceX80million* I've worked twice since I got it done, and had unanimous compliments from EVERYONE who has seen it, tons and tons of coworkers! Even Miss K, Ben's mom, liked the cut -- though she may need a while to get used to the color.

I had no idea hair could make such a huge difference -- and not just in my appearance! As Chris was cutting, I watched in the mirror and saw myself growing more confident, more free. This is so ME, so Bel, as Ben (or was it Alariya?) said. But I think it was like a completion of something already begun -- the old me would never have just decided, "I'll get my hair cut/dyed today" especially not in an unplanned style, and definitely would not have let the stylists just do their thing with the cut and color. And old me would have felt too awkward to go back in search of Chris to tell her I thought she had fabulous legs (I believe that if you think something nice about someone you should tell them, and she did have amazing legs). New me thought, "Okay self, do you really want to give up this opportunity to encourage someone for the sake of a tiny bit of discomfort?" and realized that the answer was "definitely not."

( proudly makeupless me, my amazing hair and my favorite pair of earrings )

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! *dancedancedance*

Saturday morning I woke up and had an urge to get my hair cut -- not the cut I had been thinking of, but something more Alice-y -- and dyed, so I called up my lovely Analariya and asked if she minded if we spent our day doing that. She thought it was a great idea, so off we went to get my first real haircut (I've only ever had trims before) and my first dye job. I told the hairdresser that I wanted something "chunky and messy and weird" and what I ended up with was a perfect blend of my previous idea and the new oddness that I had thought of. It suits me soooooo well -- Chris is a genious, I tell you. It was pricey -- by far the most I have ever spent on mere vanity -- but OH so worth it. I think I am going to be a haircut/dye junkie now. *eeshk*

ANDDDDD the vibrant color is SSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO perfect! *danceX80million* I've worked twice since I got it done, and had unanimous compliments from EVERYONE who has seen it, tons and tons of coworkers! Even Miss K, Ben's mom, liked the cut -- though she may need a while to get used to the color.

I had no idea hair could make such a huge difference -- and not just in my appearance! As Chris was cutting, I watched in the mirror and saw myself growing more confident, more free. This is so ME, so Bel, as Ben (or was it Alariya?) said. But I think it was like a completion of something already begun -- the old me would never have just decided, "I'll get my hair cut/dyed today" especially not in an unplanned style, and definitely would not have let the stylists just do their thing with the cut and color. And old me would have felt too awkward to go back in search of Chris to tell her I thought she had fabulous legs (I believe that if you think something nice about someone you should tell them, and she did have amazing legs). New me thought, "Okay self, do you really want to give up this opportunity to encourage someone for the sake of a tiny bit of discomfort?" and realized that the answer was "definitely not."

( proudly makeupless me, my amazing hair and my favorite pair of earrings )

and now a mega-belated appreciation post! in random order because I don't remember whose arrived when:

( gorgeous purple silk shoulder bag with shimmery embroidered flowers )

valynn send me this utterly gorgeous bag. It's impossible to photograph correctly, but it's sooooooo beautiful. I immediately started using it when I got it, and I smile and think of Valynn every time I use it. Oh! And she sent it in a purple envelope! ;-D Thank you soooooo much Valynn, it was so very thoughtful. ♥

( Heather Nova CD from Nisha! )

invisibleglue sent me this CD, and I promptly listened to the entire thing (re-listening right now). It's more folksy than I usually like, but I really like Heather's voice and turn of phrase (I will be your misfit queen) and I feel just honored that Nisha shared her with me. ♥

( 2 lovely bookmarks, a sparkly dragonfly pin, and a purple etched shell )

darkpool send me these two bookmarks (which I had to take out of my two current reads to photograph) which are both so beautiful and so me. The spring green of the butterfly one is a color that means a lot to me, and the celestial patterns of the other one are just so intricate, and appeal to my love of night. The dragonfly is elegant and stylized without losing it's fierceness, and the shell just holds so much mystery to me. Anything oceanic calls to me... I used to daydream of being able to breathe underwater, living in the ocean. Thank you so much for all the thought and love you put into this present, Kyra. ♥

( a thick book and artwork from Kate! )

clown_frog blew. me. away. with this amazing Christmas/birthday present. That portrait of me? She painted it. Yeah! And then sent me the original (it's miniature, about 4x5 inches or 10x13cm) The original!!!! The colors are actually more vivid, but I had to take a photo since I don't yet have a working scanner. What really gets me are the eyes... she captured the true color of my eyes without ever seeing them in person. I love this painting so much, I think it is my most treasured material possession. AND she sent a thick book (which I have not yet read because I am simply glutted with reading material lately, I'm in the middle of about 6 books right now) ANDANDAND!!!!! She made a video of herself telling me happy birthday and talking a little and OMG she is so darn cute and I feel soooooooooooooooo special because she's so shy that that was quite a gift! *hugs the floppy* Kate, you are an absolute darling and I adore you! ♥ ♥ ♥ I so can't wait to meet you. ;-)

( a shower of presents from my hannah-love! )

shmee_ put so much positivity into this package. ;-) The butterfly in the middle was wound up inside the card and flew out, showering me with glitter, when I opened it! I shrieked and then giggled delightedly, of course. And stickers and a gorgeous faery card (filled with glitter and confetti of course) and a fae promise, and the beautiful journal filled with hannah-energy and embossed with a silver dragonfly, which is sort of the 'totem' (forgive me if I misuse the word) of both of us. I am intimidated by that journal though, because it is just so special that I can't bring myself to mark in it... but I will. It meant a lot to hannah and she chose to give it to me, which I view as a very sweet sacrifice which I will not waste. (and dammit I forgot to include the awesome bracelet hannah made me! I will have to photograph it soon)
( the garnet-winged fae and faery box )

But my favorite of her gifts is the faery pendant. ♥ hannah has one just like it, which makes me feel connected to her every time I wear my fae. I named her Shylana, and I wear her on a silver chain that drops her right above my heart. I wear her on days when I need to feel connected and strong and full of feminine creative magic. (red is, to me, the color of female power) She made the long trip from Belgium to Georgia in the little green box with a glow-in-the-dark fae on the top. I told hannah of my fascination with glow-in-the-dark things and she remembered and found this little treasure for me. ♥ ♥ ♥ hannah, you shine such a light in my life. ♥

( my updated postcard wall -- no longer all stiff and ordered! with Kate's painting framed in the center )

although it's already outdated because I got Nisha's lovely postcard today (thank you lovely!), but my 'rechargable' (hah!) batteries are teh dead so I shall have to take another pic soon. I still have the dreamcatcher Anika made me hanging in my corner... it speaks of love and generosity to me. The friendship may be over, but I no longer feel any anguish over that, and all the good is still cherished in my heart. (I did take the postcard down though -- that one from her city is from someone else. I have limited postcard space and some of you *looks out sternly* still owe me postcards!)
( my desk with all its reminders of love )

I feel like I'm forgetting something important... if you sent me something and I didn't mention it, I know it meant a lot to me but my brain is quite scrambled right now.

and now a mega-belated appreciation post! in random order because I don't remember whose arrived when:

( gorgeous purple silk shoulder bag with shimmery embroidered flowers )

valynn send me this utterly gorgeous bag. It's impossible to photograph correctly, but it's sooooooo beautiful. I immediately started using it when I got it, and I smile and think of Valynn every time I use it. Oh! And she sent it in a purple envelope! ;-D Thank you soooooo much Valynn, it was so very thoughtful. ♥

( Heather Nova CD from Nisha! )

invisibleglue sent me this CD, and I promptly listened to the entire thing (re-listening right now). It's more folksy than I usually like, but I really like Heather's voice and turn of phrase (I will be your misfit queen) and I feel just honored that Nisha shared her with me. ♥

( 2 lovely bookmarks, a sparkly dragonfly pin, and a purple etched shell )

darkpool send me these two bookmarks (which I had to take out of my two current reads to photograph) which are both so beautiful and so me. The spring green of the butterfly one is a color that means a lot to me, and the celestial patterns of the other one are just so intricate, and appeal to my love of night. The dragonfly is elegant and stylized without losing it's fierceness, and the shell just holds so much mystery to me. Anything oceanic calls to me... I used to daydream of being able to breathe underwater, living in the ocean. Thank you so much for all the thought and love you put into this present, Kyra. ♥

( a thick book and artwork from Kate! )

clown_frog blew. me. away. with this amazing Christmas/birthday present. That portrait of me? She painted it. Yeah! And then sent me the original (it's miniature, about 4x5 inches or 10x13cm) The original!!!! The colors are actually more vivid, but I had to take a photo since I don't yet have a working scanner. What really gets me are the eyes... she captured the true color of my eyes without ever seeing them in person. I love this painting so much, I think it is my most treasured material possession. AND she sent a thick book (which I have not yet read because I am simply glutted with reading material lately, I'm in the middle of about 6 books right now) ANDANDAND!!!!! She made a video of herself telling me happy birthday and talking a little and OMG she is so darn cute and I feel soooooooooooooooo special because she's so shy that that was quite a gift! *hugs the floppy* Kate, you are an absolute darling and I adore you! ♥ ♥ ♥ I so can't wait to meet you. ;-)

( a shower of presents from my hannah-love! )

shmee_ put so much positivity into this package. ;-) The butterfly in the middle was wound up inside the card and flew out, showering me with glitter, when I opened it! I shrieked and then giggled delightedly, of course. And stickers and a gorgeous faery card (filled with glitter and confetti of course) and a fae promise, and the beautiful journal filled with hannah-energy and embossed with a silver dragonfly, which is sort of the 'totem' (forgive me if I misuse the word) of both of us. I am intimidated by that journal though, because it is just so special that I can't bring myself to mark in it... but I will. It meant a lot to hannah and she chose to give it to me, which I view as a very sweet sacrifice which I will not waste. (and dammit I forgot to include the awesome bracelet hannah made me! I will have to photograph it soon)
( the garnet-winged fae and faery box )

But my favorite of her gifts is the faery pendant. ♥ hannah has one just like it, which makes me feel connected to her every time I wear my fae. I named her Shylana, and I wear her on a silver chain that drops her right above my heart. I wear her on days when I need to feel connected and strong and full of feminine creative magic. (red is, to me, the color of female power) She made the long trip from Belgium to Georgia in the little green box with a glow-in-the-dark fae on the top. I told hannah of my fascination with glow-in-the-dark things and she remembered and found this little treasure for me. ♥ ♥ ♥ hannah, you shine such a light in my life. ♥

( my updated postcard wall -- no longer all stiff and ordered! with Kate's painting framed in the center )

although it's already outdated because I got Nisha's lovely postcard today (thank you lovely!), but my 'rechargable' (hah!) batteries are teh dead so I shall have to take another pic soon. I still have the dreamcatcher Anika made me hanging in my corner... it speaks of love and generosity to me. The friendship may be over, but I no longer feel any anguish over that, and all the good is still cherished in my heart. (I did take the postcard down though -- that one from her city is from someone else. I have limited postcard space and some of you *looks out sternly* still owe me postcards!)
( my desk with all its reminders of love )

I feel like I'm forgetting something important... if you sent me something and I didn't mention it, I know it meant a lot to me but my brain is quite scrambled right now.

and now a mega-belated appreciation post! in random order because I don't remember whose arrived when:

( gorgeous purple silk shoulder bag with shimmery embroidered flowers )

valynn send me this utterly gorgeous bag. It's impossible to photograph correctly, but it's sooooooo beautiful. I immediately started using it when I got it, and I smile and think of Valynn every time I use it. Oh! And she sent it in a purple envelope! ;-D Thank you soooooo much Valynn, it was so very thoughtful. ♥

( Heather Nova CD from Nisha! )

invisibleglue sent me this CD, and I promptly listened to the entire thing (re-listening right now). It's more folksy than I usually like, but I really like Heather's voice and turn of phrase (I will be your misfit queen) and I feel just honored that Nisha shared her with me. ♥

( 2 lovely bookmarks, a sparkly dragonfly pin, and a purple etched shell )

darkpool send me these two bookmarks (which I had to take out of my two current reads to photograph) which are both so beautiful and so me. The spring green of the butterfly one is a color that means a lot to me, and the celestial patterns of the other one are just so intricate, and appeal to my love of night. The dragonfly is elegant and stylized without losing it's fierceness, and the shell just holds so much mystery to me. Anything oceanic calls to me... I used to daydream of being able to breathe underwater, living in the ocean. Thank you so much for all the thought and love you put into this present, Kyra. ♥

( a thick book and artwork from Kate! )

clown_frog blew. me. away. with this amazing Christmas/birthday present. That portrait of me? She painted it. Yeah! And then sent me the original (it's miniature, about 4x5 inches or 10x13cm) The original!!!! The colors are actually more vivid, but I had to take a photo since I don't yet have a working scanner. What really gets me are the eyes... she captured the true color of my eyes without ever seeing them in person. I love this painting so much, I think it is my most treasured material possession. AND she sent a thick book (which I have not yet read because I am simply glutted with reading material lately, I'm in the middle of about 6 books right now) ANDANDAND!!!!! She made a video of herself telling me happy birthday and talking a little and OMG she is so darn cute and I feel soooooooooooooooo special because she's so shy that that was quite a gift! *hugs the floppy* Kate, you are an absolute darling and I adore you! ♥ ♥ ♥ I so can't wait to meet you. ;-)

( a shower of presents from my hannah-love! )

shmee_ put so much positivity into this package. ;-) The butterfly in the middle was wound up inside the card and flew out, showering me with glitter, when I opened it! I shrieked and then giggled delightedly, of course. And stickers and a gorgeous faery card (filled with glitter and confetti of course) and a fae promise, and the beautiful journal filled with hannah-energy and embossed with a silver dragonfly, which is sort of the 'totem' (forgive me if I misuse the word) of both of us. I am intimidated by that journal though, because it is just so special that I can't bring myself to mark in it... but I will. It meant a lot to hannah and she chose to give it to me, which I view as a very sweet sacrifice which I will not waste. (and dammit I forgot to include the awesome bracelet hannah made me! I will have to photograph it soon)
( the garnet-winged fae and faery box )

But my favorite of her gifts is the faery pendant. ♥ hannah has one just like it, which makes me feel connected to her every time I wear my fae. I named her Shylana, and I wear her on a silver chain that drops her right above my heart. I wear her on days when I need to feel connected and strong and full of feminine creative magic. (red is, to me, the color of female power) She made the long trip from Belgium to Georgia in the little green box with a glow-in-the-dark fae on the top. I told hannah of my fascination with glow-in-the-dark things and she remembered and found this little treasure for me. ♥ ♥ ♥ hannah, you shine such a light in my life. ♥

( my updated postcard wall -- no longer all stiff and ordered! with Kate's painting framed in the center )

although it's already outdated because I got Nisha's lovely postcard today (thank you lovely!), but my 'rechargable' (hah!) batteries are teh dead so I shall have to take another pic soon. I still have the dreamcatcher Anika made me hanging in my corner... it speaks of love and generosity to me. The friendship may be over, but I no longer feel any anguish over that, and all the good is still cherished in my heart. (I did take the postcard down though -- that one from her city is from someone else. I have limited postcard space and some of you *looks out sternly* still owe me postcards!)
( my desk with all its reminders of love )

I feel like I'm forgetting something important... if you sent me something and I didn't mention it, I know it meant a lot to me but my brain is quite scrambled right now.

This is my Christmas thank-you post. ♥ I have SO. MANY. beautiful people in my life. I am the most blessed person ever, really. I need to look at my blessings more often because DAYUM!

Oh how much I love you. If I could bottle my love it would easily replace electricity all over the world for a day. When I really think about it, I get filled with so much energy that it makes me want to SCREAM! just to let it out. I need more outlets for my love, really. You all live too damn far away for me to be able to pour into your lives. I think maybe I should start visiting the local nursing home... My family always did that at Christmas time, and I totally forgot this year. That was probably my favorite thing about my family... and the last time I did it I felt God so close. And now I am actually confident enough to believe that they really would want me to visit, which means that I could even do it without the excuse of Christmas. hmm.

I have no idea of the order that these arrived in, so I'm going to go randomly through them:
Thank you wallbrat and 12thknight for the paidaccount gifts!
Thank you darling boobiequeen for the photo that I've been wanting for over a year! It's on my wall, and you can see proof in the photos further down in this post. ;-)
aubkabob, dahling, thank you ever so for the card, it made me giggle in true Aubka fashion. ;-D
camilleyun, you are so incredibly utterly kind, I loooooved getting your PURPLE christmas card with such sweet words. Thank you thank you -- I am so glad I get to know you better.
eternitywaiting, OMFG yo, you are AMAZINK! I was worried when I got the package, because I suspected it was jewelry and I don't usually like to get jewelry as presents 'cause I am teh jewelry snob artist -- but I should have known. eeeeeeeee PURPLE eeeeeeeeeeeeee DRAGONFLY!!!!! You wonderful wonderful lovely darling! And I loved it already, but then I realized that the shards in the wings are DICHROIC GLASS. Dichroic glass is to Bel what candy is to a 3-year-old -- !!! Thank you! *many kisses*
( photos of the necklace/earrings )

valynn!!! You just stunned me with your generosity and especially with including Ben! He was feeling left out with all of my friends sending me stuff while he got no mail, and your lovely thoughtful gift card really made him happy. ThankyouX80million!!!
darkpool, wow. You made me feel SO LOVED!!!!! Everything was so perfect and so suited me! I love the bottles, they went straight into my sanctuary, along with the candle holders. And the book will DEFINITELY come in handy, yay! and the note that came along with it just made everything 10 times as meaningful. I love that you got me the bookmark because you relate me with vibrancy. ♥ You blew me away. AND THE GYPSY KEYRING!!! wow. I think you hit just about every love of mine. ♥
( a photo of darkpool's presents )

maladroitkat, do you know how many times I picked up that book and almost bought it? At least four times! I suppose it was meant to be a gift from you to me, and I love it, thank you thank you! And the second book, OMG, gypsies AND egypt AND a deep theme???? I SO can't WAIT to read it!!! thank you!!!
( a photo of m-kat's presents )

alariya, darling, do you know how much I love you for giving to me when you are struggling so much? The act of giving meant even more to me than the awesome CD. (which would NOT photograph, mlurg)
lil_e_beth, thank you for the Christmas card, you're such a sweetheart! Did you make it? it's pretty. ;-)
ohsaycanyousay, thank you for the card -- you are amazing, I so appreciate you going to the trouble for me when your own life is tumultuous.
invisibleglue, I love the pendant! I don't know why, really -- it just reminds me of something a fae or dryad would wear. I love it, I doooo, thank you sweetheart! (that's what inspired the 'what charm would you be' poll -- I was thinking of making an lj-friend necklace) And I was so delighted by the tiny bow and darling wrapping! such an adorable thing, I actually saved the part of the wrapping with the mini-bow and mini-card, because it was just too damn cute to throw away.
( a photo of the pendant )

aslan_fan, I adore that keyring! "I am a nut" -- Dr. Talkavich quotes are forever golden. ;-D and I still haven't tried the tea, but I am so looking forward to it! And more than anything, decorating the apartment with frenetik was just such a sweet gift, and it really meant a lot to me.
( photos of elya's and Ben's family's gifts )

frenetik, dunno why I'm referring to your journal when you probably won't read this, but nevertheless, thank you, my love. You AMAZED me with how perfect your gifts were! Limited edition purple duct tape! and purple glass, and cinnamon candles, and purple paint, and the scents from BPAL. but most of all, my warrior faery. ♥ You are the BEST HUSBAND EVER, all the time and not just right now, and I treasure you.
( photos of Ben's presents, including the delightfully detailed fae )

and Rebecca, I know you won't read this, but I love you for thinking of me and choosing such perfect gifts. I am sure I'm going to frame the purple & green dragonfly photo, it's just incredibly beautiful and incredibly me. And I suspect that you put coins in the machine until you got the dragonfly tattoo, and I think that's one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me.
( a photo of rebecca's presents )

AND Ben's parents got us a fancy-fancy toaster oven, which will probably save us a ton on energy since we won't have to use the oven for everything. So very wonderful!
( and last but not least, my rearranged living room with the decorations that elya and Ben put up! )
( one last photo -- my updated postcard wall! )

This is my Christmas thank-you post. ♥ I have SO. MANY. beautiful people in my life. I am the most blessed person ever, really. I need to look at my blessings more often because DAYUM!

Oh how much I love you. If I could bottle my love it would easily replace electricity all over the world for a day. When I really think about it, I get filled with so much energy that it makes me want to SCREAM! just to let it out. I need more outlets for my love, really. You all live too damn far away for me to be able to pour into your lives. I think maybe I should start visiting the local nursing home... My family always did that at Christmas time, and I totally forgot this year. That was probably my favorite thing about my family... and the last time I did it I felt God so close. And now I am actually confident enough to believe that they really would want me to visit, which means that I could even do it without the excuse of Christmas. hmm.

I have no idea of the order that these arrived in, so I'm going to go randomly through them:
Thank you wallbrat and 12thknight for the paidaccount gifts!
Thank you darling boobiequeen for the photo that I've been wanting for over a year! It's on my wall, and you can see proof in the photos further down in this post. ;-)
aubkabob, dahling, thank you ever so for the card, it made me giggle in true Aubka fashion. ;-D
camilleyun, you are so incredibly utterly kind, I loooooved getting your PURPLE christmas card with such sweet words. Thank you thank you -- I am so glad I get to know you better.
eternitywaiting, OMFG yo, you are AMAZINK! I was worried when I got the package, because I suspected it was jewelry and I don't usually like to get jewelry as presents 'cause I am teh jewelry snob artist -- but I should have known. eeeeeeeee PURPLE eeeeeeeeeeeeee DRAGONFLY!!!!! You wonderful wonderful lovely darling! And I loved it already, but then I realized that the shards in the wings are DICHROIC GLASS. Dichroic glass is to Bel what candy is to a 3-year-old -- !!! Thank you! *many kisses*
( photos of the necklace/earrings )

valynn!!! You just stunned me with your generosity and especially with including Ben! He was feeling left out with all of my friends sending me stuff while he got no mail, and your lovely thoughtful gift card really made him happy. ThankyouX80million!!!
darkpool, wow. You made me feel SO LOVED!!!!! Everything was so perfect and so suited me! I love the bottles, they went straight into my sanctuary, along with the candle holders. And the book will DEFINITELY come in handy, yay! and the note that came along with it just made everything 10 times as meaningful. I love that you got me the bookmark because you relate me with vibrancy. ♥ You blew me away. AND THE GYPSY KEYRING!!! wow. I think you hit just about every love of mine. ♥
( a photo of darkpool's presents )

maladroitkat, do you know how many times I picked up that book and almost bought it? At least four times! I suppose it was meant to be a gift from you to me, and I love it, thank you thank you! And the second book, OMG, gypsies AND egypt AND a deep theme???? I SO can't WAIT to read it!!! thank you!!!
( a photo of m-kat's presents )

alariya, darling, do you know how much I love you for giving to me when you are struggling so much? The act of giving meant even more to me than the awesome CD. (which would NOT photograph, mlurg)
lil_e_beth, thank you for the Christmas card, you're such a sweetheart! Did you make it? it's pretty. ;-)
ohsaycanyousay, thank you for the card -- you are amazing, I so appreciate you going to the trouble for me when your own life is tumultuous.
invisibleglue, I love the pendant! I don't know why, really -- it just reminds me of something a fae or dryad would wear. I love it, I doooo, thank you sweetheart! (that's what inspired the 'what charm would you be' poll -- I was thinking of making an lj-friend necklace) And I was so delighted by the tiny bow and darling wrapping! such an adorable thing, I actually saved the part of the wrapping with the mini-bow and mini-card, because it was just too damn cute to throw away.
( a photo of the pendant )

aslan_fan, I adore that keyring! "I am a nut" -- Dr. Talkavich quotes are forever golden. ;-D and I still haven't tried the tea, but I am so looking forward to it! And more than anything, decorating the apartment with frenetik was just such a sweet gift, and it really meant a lot to me.
( photos of elya's and Ben's family's gifts )

frenetik, dunno why I'm referring to your journal when you probably won't read this, but nevertheless, thank you, my love. You AMAZED me with how perfect your gifts were! Limited edition purple duct tape! and purple glass, and cinnamon candles, and purple paint, and the scents from BPAL. but most of all, my warrior faery. ♥ You are the BEST HUSBAND EVER, all the time and not just right now, and I treasure you.
( photos of Ben's presents, including the delightfully detailed fae )

and Rebecca, I know you won't read this, but I love you for thinking of me and choosing such perfect gifts. I am sure I'm going to frame the purple & green dragonfly photo, it's just incredibly beautiful and incredibly me. And I suspect that you put coins in the machine until you got the dragonfly tattoo, and I think that's one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me.
( a photo of rebecca's presents )

AND Ben's parents got us a fancy-fancy toaster oven, which will probably save us a ton on energy since we won't have to use the oven for everything. So very wonderful!
( and last but not least, my rearranged living room with the decorations that elya and Ben put up! )
( one last photo -- my updated postcard wall! )

This is my Christmas thank-you post. ♥ I have SO. MANY. beautiful people in my life. I am the most blessed person ever, really. I need to look at my blessings more often because DAYUM!

Oh how much I love you. If I could bottle my love it would easily replace electricity all over the world for a day. When I really think about it, I get filled with so much energy that it makes me want to SCREAM! just to let it out. I need more outlets for my love, really. You all live too damn far away for me to be able to pour into your lives. I think maybe I should start visiting the local nursing home... My family always did that at Christmas time, and I totally forgot this year. That was probably my favorite thing about my family... and the last time I did it I felt God so close. And now I am actually confident enough to believe that they really would want me to visit, which means that I could even do it without the excuse of Christmas. hmm.

I have no idea of the order that these arrived in, so I'm going to go randomly through them:
Thank you wallbrat and 12thknight for the paidaccount gifts!
Thank you darling boobiequeen for the photo that I've been wanting for over a year! It's on my wall, and you can see proof in the photos further down in this post. ;-)
aubkabob, dahling, thank you ever so for the card, it made me giggle in true Aubka fashion. ;-D
camilleyun, you are so incredibly utterly kind, I loooooved getting your PURPLE christmas card with such sweet words. Thank you thank you -- I am so glad I get to know you better.
eternitywaiting, OMFG yo, you are AMAZINK! I was worried when I got the package, because I suspected it was jewelry and I don't usually like to get jewelry as presents 'cause I am teh jewelry snob artist -- but I should have known. eeeeeeeee PURPLE eeeeeeeeeeeeee DRAGONFLY!!!!! You wonderful wonderful lovely darling! And I loved it already, but then I realized that the shards in the wings are DICHROIC GLASS. Dichroic glass is to Bel what candy is to a 3-year-old -- !!! Thank you! *many kisses*
( photos of the necklace/earrings )

valynn!!! You just stunned me with your generosity and especially with including Ben! He was feeling left out with all of my friends sending me stuff while he got no mail, and your lovely thoughtful gift card really made him happy. ThankyouX80million!!!
darkpool, wow. You made me feel SO LOVED!!!!! Everything was so perfect and so suited me! I love the bottles, they went straight into my sanctuary, along with the candle holders. And the book will DEFINITELY come in handy, yay! and the note that came along with it just made everything 10 times as meaningful. I love that you got me the bookmark because you relate me with vibrancy. ♥ You blew me away. AND THE GYPSY KEYRING!!! wow. I think you hit just about every love of mine. ♥
( a photo of darkpool's presents )

maladroitkat, do you know how many times I picked up that book and almost bought it? At least four times! I suppose it was meant to be a gift from you to me, and I love it, thank you thank you! And the second book, OMG, gypsies AND egypt AND a deep theme???? I SO can't WAIT to read it!!! thank you!!!
( a photo of m-kat's presents )

alariya, darling, do you know how much I love you for giving to me when you are struggling so much? The act of giving meant even more to me than the awesome CD. (which would NOT photograph, mlurg)
lil_e_beth, thank you for the Christmas card, you're such a sweetheart! Did you make it? it's pretty. ;-)
ohsaycanyousay, thank you for the card -- you are amazing, I so appreciate you going to the trouble for me when your own life is tumultuous.
invisibleglue, I love the pendant! I don't know why, really -- it just reminds me of something a fae or dryad would wear. I love it, I doooo, thank you sweetheart! (that's what inspired the 'what charm would you be' poll -- I was thinking of making an lj-friend necklace) And I was so delighted by the tiny bow and darling wrapping! such an adorable thing, I actually saved the part of the wrapping with the mini-bow and mini-card, because it was just too damn cute to throw away.
( a photo of the pendant )

aslan_fan, I adore that keyring! "I am a nut" -- Dr. Talkavich quotes are forever golden. ;-D and I still haven't tried the tea, but I am so looking forward to it! And more than anything, decorating the apartment with frenetik was just such a sweet gift, and it really meant a lot to me.
( photos of elya's and Ben's family's gifts )

frenetik, dunno why I'm referring to your journal when you probably won't read this, but nevertheless, thank you, my love. You AMAZED me with how perfect your gifts were! Limited edition purple duct tape! and purple glass, and cinnamon candles, and purple paint, and the scents from BPAL. but most of all, my warrior faery. ♥ You are the BEST HUSBAND EVER, all the time and not just right now, and I treasure you.
( photos of Ben's presents, including the delightfully detailed fae )

and Rebecca, I know you won't read this, but I love you for thinking of me and choosing such perfect gifts. I am sure I'm going to frame the purple & green dragonfly photo, it's just incredibly beautiful and incredibly me. And I suspect that you put coins in the machine until you got the dragonfly tattoo, and I think that's one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me.
( a photo of rebecca's presents )

AND Ben's parents got us a fancy-fancy toaster oven, which will probably save us a ton on energy since we won't have to use the oven for everything. So very wonderful!
( and last but not least, my rearranged living room with the decorations that elya and Ben put up! )
( one last photo -- my updated postcard wall! )

Her jumps are aMAZing... but I'm more impressed with the fact that I was finally able to get a shot of her eyes! I had to prop the camera on the desk (I need a tripod!) and take the photo without flash -- but you can actually see that her eyes are gold with a green inner ring. So gorgeous and unusual -- I have never met a cat with two-toned eyes before.

Oh, and with the jumping thing -- she almost never missed grabbing the toy (which was actually a gatorade ring (that the cap attaches to) tied to a hair tie), and she'd keep jumping until she was laying on the floor unable to move. Crazy kitty.

Her jumps are aMAZing... but I'm more impressed with the fact that I was finally able to get a shot of her eyes! I had to prop the camera on the desk (I need a tripod!) and take the photo without flash -- but you can actually see that her eyes are gold with a green inner ring. So gorgeous and unusual -- I have never met a cat with two-toned eyes before.

Oh, and with the jumping thing -- she almost never missed grabbing the toy (which was actually a gatorade ring (that the cap attaches to) tied to a hair tie), and she'd keep jumping until she was laying on the floor unable to move. Crazy kitty.