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belenen

April 2021

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Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.

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A kindly stranger attempts to connect over transness and I fail utterly to respond
icon: "eccentric (a photo of me tilting my head and with raised eyebrows and a pursed-lipped smile)"

The other day I was waiting in line at a store when a stranger attempted to strike up a conversation with me:

Stranger, abruptly: "what does the button on your purse mean?"
Me: "oh, it is a symbol for trans pride*"
Kindly stranger, smiling: "oh cool, my daughter is trans!"
Me: *smiles awkwardly*
Kindly stranger: "that's really cool, I like that."
Me: *smiles wider and nods* "thank you" *hastily buries self in phone*

I wanted to say more. The stranger had two elementary-age kids with them and I felt glad that the kids could be themselves. Wish I could have thought faster and said something meaningful like, "thank you for being an accepting parent. It makes a world of difference." But in that moment, it was all I could do to engage as much as I did.

There was a time about a decade ago when I would have responded by making eye contact, asking questions, and offering resources including my contact information. I would have been thinking about what that trans kid might need and what the parent might not have access to. I would have felt in my element and found the conversation easy.

But now, what I felt was just extreme overwhelm, as if lights were flashing and sirens were going off and I was being pulled in one direction and pushed in another. Part of it was from standing with my back to most of the store, part of it was feeling stressed about being next in line and not wanting to annoy the cashier, part was the overhead noise, and part was a piece of me saying "wow you have zero self-preservation instincts -- what if they hated trans people" and then the other part of me arguing back.

I feel such a sense of loss at current me's feckless response to this opportunity to offer potentially life-saving resources to a trans kid. I was just so thrown by how unexpected it was that in such a sensory-overload environment, I couldn't even process what was happening. I replied on auto-pilot and had to delay my emotional and mental response to the meaning of what the person was saying in order to simply absorb the literal words. I didn't make a conscious choice to say either of the two things I said -- they just popped out.

I couldn't really cope in the moment with an unexpected, completely novel experience in a loud, busy environment. But now that I have had that experience, I will be prepared for it to happen again. I will make up a sheet of local resources and try to let that be my touchstone and conversational foundation if someone says "my [friend/relative] is trans." I can ask how plugged in they are to the community and if they would like some resources. I can hope that something like this happens again and when it does, that I can be effective and useful in my response.

*it is actually a symbol for a gender and sexuality minorities conference which no longer seems to exist, but I used a shorthand without thinking


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god I relate to this so hard. The way you described the feeling of "extreme overwhelm, as if lights were flashing and sirens were going off and I was being pulled in one direction and pushed in another"... that's how I feel SO OFTEN when people talk to me unexpectedly. It even happens for people I know, but especially for strangers or light acquaintances. My brain goes into a panic that isn't conscious or logical, it just happens, then my brain and my body don't know how to react, and I end up saying something useless or less meaningful than I would have said given a few seconds to actually think about my response first...

I've also had that feeling you mentioned, about how after the interaction, your brain was like "here's a million interpretations of what happened and why it was wrong". That happens all the time to me, too. And specifically the feeling of "what if they hated trans people" that you said, that felt really relatable because I've have very similar experiences where then I felt like, "oh my god I could've gotten myself killed by saying what I did, I need to think about self-preservation in these surprise interactions with strangers", in addition to just thinking about the best way to respond..

WHAT A THING it is to be non-neurotypical and have to maneuver through unexpected social interactions. yikes
I'm not trans, but if I'd been in a similar situation, this is likely how I'd have reacted too because I'm autistic. I totally get the desire to help. It's why I tend to just share resources online because you never know who might need them)come across them.
I enjoyed reading this and thinking about the many issues it raises. It is impossible to be perfect and always respond to situations in a perfect way. You are so helpful, but you can't always be "on." That's too great a burden.
If it helps, there's another way to read this. The stranger who reached out to you and volunteered that information was just trying to share that they were an ally. It may have been important for them to say that to you, because they think it's important to be supportive of the trans community, especially since they have such a personal connection to it.

But I think it's really cool that you are planning out in your head what you can say the next time someone approaches you with a similar remark; how you can support them. That shows what a kind and caring person you are.
I like this possibility as well! Maybe this was a person who guessed what the symbol meant and was trying to connect with you.

But either way, I can understand the feeling of being overwhelmed by an interaction you never expected to have, especially in that neural-overload environment.

Having materials ahead of time is a great way to cope with and take advantage of a situation like that, should it happen again.
I'm actually quite impressed (and grateful) you were able to offer what you managed, I think that was very kind that you could engage at all, and you clearly didn't make that parent feel awkward, so well done. I love the idea of the ready made details of info - perhaps you could put them on blank business cards ready to pass out. Thanks for sharing this.

It is difficult to navigate how "on" and engaged to be when you are just trying to get through a day. Your willingness and hope to be a resource is admirable, but remember to be easy on yourself and take breaks whenever you need them.

It is difficult to navigate how "on" and engaged to be when you are just trying to get through a day. Your willingness and hope to be a resource is admirable, but remember to be easy on yourself and take breaks whenever you need them.

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