Lately I've been spending a lot of time alone, because I was trying to get out of the habit of spending 6 nights a week at Topaz' house so I took a week of staying home, and then the icestorm added more to that. And with enough time alone, I've gotten creative things done that had been lacking for YEARS.

I met up with Kylei for lunch yesterday and while we were talking about this ze said, "of course, you're an introvert!" and I said no, absolutely not. Being alone for a large chunk of time is not sustainable for me -- after that week alone I went out in a frenzy of social activity over the weekend. The key for me is to have uninterrupted alone time, where no one is making demands on me for any interaction. This is part of the reason I cannot stand to have people randomly call me (unless it's an emergency or I know they will be okay with me being like "can't talk now bye" *click* with no pleasantries), and I don't usually engage in random IMs -- though texting is okay, because it doesn't demand (most people don't expect an instant response). If I have a free moment, it's usually in my planned alone time, and I want to be writing or editing photos or resting my brain. I like social and alone pretty much equally, I just can't stand for them to mix into slush time. I think maybe it has to do with my ADD, I hate feeling torn between two intentions because it makes my brain freeze up where I cannot think or feel or be present. I have to place events into a box in order to be able to fully engage.

I really hate that introvert/extrovert binary, anyway. I feel like it justifies the fact that socializing is worse for some people. Social is more stress for some people (like me) because it comes with shit like sexism and racism and ableism and etcccccc. That's not an orientation, it's a billion effects of all kinds of things, and the primary issue is oppression! I'm sure that if we lived in an equal society, some people would still prefer majority alone time. I'm also sure that a giant chunk of people would suddenly love gathers so much more. People ask why if I want social, I don't go out to get it but want to bring people to my house instead. It's because I make my house a safe place. People know that if they say something problematic, they might get called on it (depending on my energy levels because that takes a LOT), and they will definitely be outside the norm, so they're a bit more careful. When I go out to a gather, even a gather of good-hearted spiritual or hippie people, it takes about 10 minutes before someone says something sexist or fatphobic or ableist (those are usually the first ones I hear because I'm white; but I have noticed that in a mostly white group if one or two people are of color, the racist remarks start happening, or if someone is read as trans the cissexist ones start happening). I go from feeling happy to feeling like someone stepped in front of me with their face 8 inches from mine and shouted "YOU'RE NOT WELCOME HERE," then turned around laughing and happy and everyone continued like it didn't happen. They don't even know something bad happened, and I have to try and build my energy back up after it got so wretchedly shut down. And since I've not been there often enough to build any social capital, I don't feel like anyone will listen if I say "hey, bitch is a gendered slur, using it contributes to oppression" etc. So then what? instead I make my own spaces when I can, and if I have an abundance of energy or a designated driver, I go to other spaces (if I am drunk I can talk back to microaggressions).

1) We practice body acceptance:

• This means that clothing is optional so if you want people to be clothed, ask ahead of time (and you may get a "no"). It also means that negative body comments will be corrected; you are perfect the way you are and so is everyone else.

2) We practice sharing:

• We want you to feel at home while you are here. Most things on the main level are for sharing; if something is a one-time-use item (like food or paper) then get permission before using.  If you use something, put it back in the same condition when you're done.

3) We practice eliminating stereotypes:

• We expect everyone to make mistakes and take them as an opportunity to learn rather than a slight on their character.
• Guests and residents are expected to be prepared and willing to be made aware of their privilege/prejudice.  EVERYONE has privilege/ignorance/prejudice they need to work on.
• If you hear something that is exclusionary, prejudiced, or ignorant, please speak up if you can and point it out.  If you can't, please talk to a resident about it and we'll try to address the issue.

4) We practice maintaining safe space:

• Intentionally prejudiced or violent language/behavior is not allowed, whether serious or as a "joke."  This means threats of violence are not okay ("joking" or not), saying things to make people feel excluded or inferior (on purpose) is not okay, hitting or threatening to hit is not okay, yelling at people is not okay, calling names is not okay, making "jokes" that rely on the 'inferiority' of a group/person are not okay, rape "jokes" (including rape as slang for mild suffering) are not okay. 
• You're not expected to remember this list but you are expected to stop immediately if someone calls you on breaking safe space. (arguing that this language/behavior is acceptable is also breaking safe space). If you are not willing to do that, you are not welcome here.

5) We practice resolving upsetness:

• if something upsets you, assume good intentions and share your feelings without judging or blaming. If someone is upset by you, empathize and explain before problem-solving.

6) We practice being honest and open:

• we are not here to avoid conflict but to make conflict creative. If you are feeling or thinking something upsetting, please try to express it kindly and frankly.

7) We practice comforting each other:

• If someone says "I'm hurt," all of the willing & able people are encouraged to offer a group hug, throw kisses, or otherwise express care. This includes expressing care to a person who feels hurt by being called out on their stereotyping or unsafe behavior; however it is not a substitute for discussion, nor are people obligated to give comfort.

8) We practice radical consent in cuddles and sex:

• all people involved are both desiring AND consciously choosing to share touch.  Ask first! get a definite yes (either verbally or non-verbally) before continuing. Before beginning genital or other overtly sexual touch, either get consent of others in the room or move to a more private space.

9) We practice consent for sharing space:

• Before inviting people over, discuss it with the people who live in that space! Guests, ask a resident, and make sure your invitees are aware of the house agreements. Residents, tell the residents that might be affected by your guests.

10) We practice expressing needs:

• If you have a need, please express it to a resident if you can. We want to be accommodating if possible (for instance, if you are feeling socially anxious but not wanting to leave, we can provide quiet alone space).

11) We practice recycling:

• DO NOT THROW AWAY PLASTIC CONTAINERS!!! Recycle what can be recycled, and if you don't want to wash out the item, leave it and James will wash it.

This is open-source: use as you will, but if you edit it, name it something new ;-)

2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

( important events in 2011 )

So my life has been so fucking crazy since I broke up with the ex-partner. Was that really only 17 months ago? Wow. Anyway, it's just been speeding up and up and up. Last year I tried a lot of things that were new to me, just sort of stretching and exploring, and I'm definitely still in that process, but I'm starting to get to the point where I can organize all the things I've learned and start integrating them and re-focusing my life. The things that have been most on my mind are sex, oppression, and community (not necessarily in that order) -- and within the past three weeks I've been experiencing a sort of spiritual awakening as well.

Sex has been on my mind because, well, my sex with Kyle is mind-blowing and life-altering (and I'm not exaggerating). If I include details this entry will be twice as long, so I shan't, but I will talk about the effect of it. I've realized that sex is quite important to me, I'm just really picky, and I get bored if the other person is not emotionally naked. I don't have sex to feel the physical sensation -- I have it to feel aetheric selves pressed against each other. Openness in the moment is enough for one-time sex, but I think that tends to fade with familiarity unless it comes from the sort of vulnerability that infuses the person's life. Maybe it's a self-awareness thing too. All of that is what seems to be a coalescing image of what I want in sex. I don't want to draw people out, either. That's something I spent so many years doing and while I might do it again in the future, I'm taking a break. For right now, for me to emotionally invest in someone, ze has to be actively opening zir own self. I'm willing to share connection with people who are not open, but I am not going to invest in them right now.

( systemic oppression )

Which moves me into community! I've been exploring several different local circles of people -- the burners, the queer activists, the poly community, the artists, and the dunno-what-to-call-ems-who-have-been-in-Kyle's-life-a-long-time. And then meeting outliers and trying to loop them in to one or the other. What I would really like is to eventually function as a bridge between these groups. I feel like each of them could really learn from each other, and there's already so much overlap yet not a lot of blending. And I want to delve into each and and wrap vines into their branches. This means I've been spending a LOT of time socializing (at least 2-3 times a week, plus school and lots of time with Kyle), which is new and definitely an adjustment, but one I like.

( spiritual shifts )

Annnnd with the being really busy, I've realized that if I want anything to happen, I have to schedule it (seriously, including phone conversations). So I'm thinking of setting a weekly time for LJing and at least summarizing the week, because I miss having a record of my life. I don't like that my most productive and growthful periods usually result in a dearth of LJing. I process things with Kyle constantly so I don't feel as much of an urge to write, but I want to be able to remember, so I'm going to use that as my writing-catalyst.

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )

This weekend I went to Southeast Decompression, a mini-burn being held at The Colaboratory. It was my first burn-type experience and wow... I had such a wild time. I went with Kyle (but ze's a wanderer and so am I so we didn't spend all that much time together) and after a short wander we took our drums from the car and started drumming...

I HAVE drummed in public before but only when there were enough other people around to drown me out -- but this time I just fucking threw myself into it, didn't care at all who heard my mistakes (and there was only one other drum, so people could hear them! and people were right there! and some people were dancing to the beat I was making!) and oh GOD what a feeling. Drumming is in my BLOOD, it's me, and while I wish I was more skilled, I need to just do it anyway (and learn properly later maybe). I got so deeply into it I didn't realize how hard I was hitting or how long it went and I ended up with massive bruises on my hands (which are still hurting a lot two days later). but it was SO worth it.

( learning, drinking! )

and OH! the DANCING! the DJs were amazing and the music just kept calling to me. I love that I've gotten more fit over the summer because I was able to dance and dance until my soul was ready to stop instead of when my body demanded it!!!!!!!! THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY!!! And I danced more freely than ever before and I felt so amazingly present and full of music and the people around me danced just as unselfconsciously. And two days later I still hurt all over my outside upper legs (I suppose my inner thighs get a workout more often, heh) and that just makes me happy.

I'm not sure how much anonymity to give people so I'm going to put all the interactions with people in a separate f-locked post :D If you wanna see it and you're not on my flist, email me (belenen at gmail) and I might send it to you (if I don't know you at all and you've never commented it's unlikely, but if we've interacted somehow I probably will).

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )

Ash and I had a little flatwarming party this weekend which was oh-so-much fun! We had the brilliant idea of designating a wall for collaborative painting and everyone was so creative! it turned out BEAUTIFULLY -- it's going to be in-progress indefinitely but it's already so lovely I could just sit and stare at it. I was sure it would be fascinating but I didn't realize that it would be so gorgeous! So colorful! I can't wait to have others over to add to it (especially Sara and Greta and Nicole!). Davey and S and Ash added more the day after, so it's even more colorful and amazing now. I'll take an overall photo soon -- for now you get bits n pieces ;-)




( photos! by me, Shel, and Sakka )

I am so deeply grateful to have found people who live nearby whom I connect with and who are honest and open and loving and complex ♥ This is something I've yearned for for so many years and I can't even express the intensity of my gratitude for each person. Ash & Viv & Ben & Shel & Saleena & Nicole and and and... I mean, most of the friendships are still in beginning stages but there's already that sense of belonging -- the only time I've ever felt anything like this before was when I was living with the Wynnes and they made me part of the family, and even that wasn't this amazing. It feels like home. It makes me feel safe without feeling bound. It makes me free to be more fully myself.

I just looked back through my LJ to see the timeline on this... ( affirmations I've used and how/when they've worked )

And you know, I first started 'affirming' a local group of friends in March of 2008, but shortly after I began using that affirmation I fell in love with Hannah and Aurilion and stopped saying the affirmation because I felt that I had all the wonder I could handle. And then it seems I forgot about it or lost faith in it and didn't start again until the beginning of 2009, when I decided what the hell, it couldn't hurt. I want to remind myself that this fucking WORKS. I don't care how -- if it's just that it helps me to focus and pay attention more and discover what would have been there anyway, that's magic enough for me. But I believe that gratitude mixed with intention and focus opens up possibility that would not have otherwise existed. Especially since Ash has been affirming unlikely things and having them happen -- it's just as amazing to see it happen in someone else's life.

Words are so powerful. What I say, I hear. What I hear over and over, I believe. What I believe, I live.

( what sparked this realization )

I don't have community like I used to. Being gendered, monogamous, straight, religious (believing in one religion's set tenets/creed), and non-feminist is a HUGE community with all its own jokes and habits and comfort. Going out and expecting all of these things in common with everyone you meet -- that's a huge part of life that you don't even realize until you no longer have it. I had no idea how lucky I was to only have to consider personality/hobbies/politics/jobs/religion-type as potential differences... I feel alienated from most people because I know that genderfree-poly-queer-spiritual-radicalfeminists are pretty damn rare. It's really lonely to realize that the very basic parts of you are different from most everyone else. And people seem to think of these things as incidental, or little quirks -- but they are not minor differences, they are a completely different worldview. I'm faced with my difference, my separation, every time I read a book or go online or see a movie or go to the store or even think about my friends. It's like... seeing the world in completely different colors than the vast majority of people, in a world where color is how people relate. How can I be understood when I try to describe what to me is blue and to someone else is yellow? Most people cannot hold two conflicting views at once, and since their views conflict with mine they cannot see mine. Even those who CAN hold two conflicting views at once can only watch me dance, they cannot dance with me.

I thank God/dess that some of you can share some of my dances! I am very grateful for that, and for the fact that even when you cannot dance with me you smile and clap along, so that I do not feel alone. And I like seeing you dance, even if it makes me ache a little when others can join in and I can't. I love that seeing our differences keeps my thoughts fresh and brings up questions continually, but it is lonely. Every time I dance alone, unseen, I feel a little sad... I can't even imagine how incredible it would be to have some of you live near me, because I think with time in each other's presence some of us would be able to weave our separate dances together.

It is HARD to keep my beliefs, which make me so uncomfortable with a world in which I do not fit -- but at the same time, I cannot abandon them because I no longer have the ability to numb myself. I can't be monogamous, straight, gendered, religious, or non-feminist, because that would require a betrayal of self which I could not endure. Part of me really misses the time when my differences were so small that they did not separate me from the majority -- being bisexual, but in a monogamous hetero marriage; being angry about gender stereotypes, but still conforming to and believing in gender; seeking truth for myself and believing that God/dess was pro-queer, but not questioning the other basic dogmas or seeking truth outside one belief system; and wanting equality, but not really understanding what that is or speaking up for it. I wouldn't go back even if I could, but I miss feeling comfortable in the world -- never perfectly comfortable, but not vastly different either. Never fully understood, but mostly.

another post on this topic is in the making... explaining more of how being genderfree-poly-queer-spiritual-radicalfeminist is rare, why it is so important to me, and what I mean by each word.

Lately I've been so full of turmoil... my partner and I in such an intense changing place in our relationship, Hannah and I also in such a place (to the point of reevaluating our soulfriendship), Kazi, SabR, and Brian feeling unable to trust me because I haven't kept open communication with them (it's more complicated than that but I think that sums it up), haven't talked to Kate or 'Kenzy for probably two months, Kat's roadtripping so we've had very limited contact, Meliae is very busy...

I feel so lonely. I feel like I have no one to lean on, so I keep going on though I haven't the strength for it. I just want someone I can tell "I need you" and lay my head on their shoulder and let them carry me for a little while. More than that, I want someone who can hear my voice and know how I'm feeling, and offer me love. I want someone to be stronger than me sometimes. Almost always, when I start to lean on someone even for a moment, they crumple -- it makes me feel like an unbearable person, why is my weakness too much for others to handle? Why can't I be a sad, weak, scared person sometimes? The moment someone shows a hurt in themselves, I feel I have to swallow my hurt and be the strong one, the comforter, the healer. I'm strong but I need support too...

Several times lately my partner has been there for me... I can't explain what that means to me. He's never done that before, not like this. I don't even know how to process it, it is such an alien experience, and I'm so afraid that I'll be too much, that I hold back. I can't cry around people unless I've gone past the breaking point... I used to be able to. I'm afraid of all the hurt in me that I can't express because I have nobody to hold my pieces when I fall apart. I feel like I can't reach out for help any more because my weakness is too much.

And it is like a constant ache that my friends all live so far away. I need arms around me, I need eyes to look into mine so that I can see the love for myself rather than relying on my often-shaky faith. I took a step today and started a meetup group, very intimidating (what if no one joins?), but if there are any people like me nearby, I need to know them. It'd suck if I started it up and then had to move, though :-/ (my partner and I are thinking about moving for his job, and I might go back to college next spring if we move near a college I want to go to)

There are so many words in me. I talk to myself just to let them out... I feel un-LJ-ish because I have unresolved stuff with friends, but I'm trying to put some words here so that they aren't lost.

...The Wrong Girl by Missy Higgins...
And I'm lonely again tonight
I can feel it like a knot in my side
They keep saying this is part of the ride
But I'm not getting stronger