I was at the grocery store today, as per usual with my arms overfilled, and bent down inside the glass-front fridge to get a bottle of cream. I was expecting the door to fall on my shoulder as I had let it go, but a stranger caught it. I stood up and flashed a brief smile, walking away as the person continued to hold the door.

I expected them to get something after I was out of the way, but they let it fall and started to walk away. I realized my mistake and said "oh! Thank you! I thought you were getting something." And they said "I just didn't want it to hit you." I think we smiled at each other but my memory stops there because I was distracted by my surprise.

It was such a sweet moment of kindness and it made me feel recognized as a valid human being (whereas most strangers look through me and expect me to step around them, or they stare). It felt good for a stranger to take that risk just to make a tiny moment a little more pleasant for me. And it felt pure because when I said nothing, they said nothing, so I didn't feel obligated by their kindness. When I looked at them as they held the door, their expression was neutral, and I felt safe in their lack of expectation.

Thank you stranger, for offering me that small kindness. It was a moment of true joy.

So since I last wrote about them I've had two dates with Evelyn, and both times they came to my house AND there was no big struggle to plan or need to reschedule. There's not even been occasion to question whether or not they wanted to come over, because it required so little effort on my part, comparatively. Unfortunately a lot of it has fallen into the cracks of my memory already, so this is just gonna be a mishmash of impressions from what I can remember.

When they first arrived, I opened the door while standing behind it like I always do because my neighbors are terrible and I'm never wearing anything over my boobs at home unless I'm sick or really cold, so they walked in and there was a pause while I shut the door and then they made a tentative reaching motion while I started to ask if they wanted a hug -- I may have gotten it out or maybe not -- and I snatched them into a hug. And I wanted to cry because it felt like such a relief, but I was also in shock and not fully convinced they were actually there. I felt relief and gladness from them too.

At one point later when we were cuddling they said "you're real" in a tone of wonder and I felt so much resonance with it I felt like screaming, like there were not enough ways to express how extremely and exactly I felt that. Those few hours we spent together that day included a lot of cuddling and talking about the last time we saw each other in November and how it was painful for both of us, and expressions of gratitude on both sides for being reunited. A lot of kisses and sweetness and a lot of frank and occasionally painful discussion.

I once again feel able to be just utterly blunt with them. ( I don't have fear of being misunderstood )

I'm realizing in writing this that being trusted to be truthful even if it doesn't make logical sense is vital to me. Because I am truthful, but sometimes I don't make sense. I think that's one of the things that hurt me so much about Kylei -- they would never believe me when I told them how I valued them and wanted time with them, despite all the proof I offered. It just felt like a constant invalidation of my core self, to not trust in my love and my dedication. I need to know that the people I love believe in my love, believe in my dedication, believe in my truthfulness. Else being around them makes me feel a dissolving of my self-hood and my own faith in my worth.

I told them that I'm still ( building up my tolerance to their presence )

I also keep getting overwhelmed by all the experiences I want to have with them but I can't do them all at once and it feels like there is so little time. And I know a part of it is this fear in the back of my mind that they're going to disappear any moment and if I haven't done the things yet I won't ever have the chance, but I do not want to do any of the things out of fear, not even out of fear of no future chances. So I actually end up moving slower toward those things because I am resisting the shoving of fear. I know it hasn't even been two weeks yet and that fear will fade.

( We watched Playing By Heart last time )

This Friday we have a plan for me to go to their house and hang out with them and their spouse, who I've yet to have any real conversation with. I started freaking out yesterday because Evelyn was talking to me in a way that made it seem like I was supposed to be on my best behavior, so to speak? being polite, talking about inconsequential shit? and I'm terrible at that and I already spend so much fucking time and energy on it with work and Topaz' family and to some extent my biofamily. The idea of adding respectability to the one part of my life that didn't yet have it in it was just awful. I expressed this (in less extreme terms) and they checked with their spouse and confirmed that it was okay for me to just be me in all my *waves hands* non-neurotypical impolite glory, I guess. So, I'm still nervous but not stressed out, and I feel hopeful that it could be really lovely.

I've more to say but it shall go in my sextalk filter. Opt in or out.

happiness: being fully present in an experience that is nourishing.

joy: happiness that happens without effort.

---

I have found that defining abstract concepts helps me to implement more of what I want in my life and move away from what I don't want. So I'm going to try and make this a regular thing; after this I shall post a pair every Sunday. Feel free to comment with your own personal definitions!

Prompt from lifeofmendel When you're feeling full of joy, what do you do to celebrate it?

I take photos and/or write about it because otherwise I will lose the memory. I tell people about it! I put glitter on, and/or makeup. I take photos of myself (see icon). I dance and sing silly songs to myself about what mundane things I'm doing. (i.e. "I'm gonna make some coffee, pouring water, grindy grindy, dump out the old stuff...") I do creative things! making jewelry or organizing or working on the latest crafty project. Sometimes if I'm feeling super happy I'll tell random people I haven't been in contact with that I love them. I funnel joy into things that will last, quick as I can, usually. Less often, I'll do something that doesn't last, like get drunk! I only ever drink when I am feeling happy because drinking makes me feel more of whatever I am feeling. OR (never and) I go out, drive and turn the music up, go somewhere I haven't been in a while.

in other news, I've been super excited about writing lately and this is my last chance to participate, so I'm joining LJ idol for the last season. You can too!

So I have a new friendship that I am incredibly excited and happy about! I haven't been this excited about a new friendship since Hannah and I first started talking -- and if you've known me a long time or read back into my journal you know how big of a deal that is. I've tried to create close friendships nearby for a long time with little success, mostly because the people I tried it with either weren't interested in the amount of closeness I wanted or they were too busy (the latter more often). With my romantic relationships, I would say that I am very close with Kylei but my other connections are sporadic -- not for lack of interest but for lack of time, neurological difficulties, and/or lack of skill at reaching out. I've come to a level of acceptance of that; either things will change in my lovers' lives that will enable them to build that kind of thing with me, or they won't; either way I want them in my life to some extent. But this means that there is just not much deep connection in my life on a daily basis, or that there wasn't; and that is painful for me because I really crave close connection with multiple people for emotional and/or spiritual intimacy.

So about three weeks ago I posted loss and longing and lacking nourishment and Topaz messaged me on facebook about being open and how it fucking hurts, and I wrote back and the exchange was really honest and open and we met up for coffee the next day and talked lots and since then have hung out really often and look at this excitable run-on sentence *giggles* I admire zir so much and it feels so incredibly good to be around someone who is so curious (Godde I missed that!) and so open and so truth-focused and unflinchingly idealistic and dedicated to zir art. Also ze gives amazing hugs. And I feel like ze's living out loud and I just adore everything I know about zir.

Also, last week I had a day where I was dealing with feeling unappreciated/unwanted by some people who are really important to me, and I was upset to the point that I was crying while walking between classes. I tweeted about it and Topaz texted me asking if I wanted a hug; I said yes (thinking ze was on campus) and ze came to campus just to give me a hug. I don't think I've ever had someone go out of their way like that for me for such a small thing, and it meant the world to me. I shared what was bothering me and ze took it in and empathized, and it was so exactly what I needed.

Then last Saturday we (Topaz, Kylei, and I) went to watch the meteor shower, and I felt strange the whole time, but didn't realize why until I left; I felt disconnected from Topaz for the first time since we'd started spending time together. So once I got home I texted asking if ze had felt that and if I had caused it somehow, and we had a pretty intense conversation that ended in us sharing that we both want to actively cultivate openness&honesty with each other. I was super nervous starting that conversation because it's "weird" to care about things like this with friends, but I decided to do it anyway because we'd started out open, dammit, and if I was feeling it I wanted to be able to share it. I am really glad that I did.

The timing and creation of this is so delicately strung together -- I wasn't intended to be at the event where I met zir, but I tagged along with some friends; I didn't really talk with zir directly at the event but memorized zir name and decided to add zir on facebook anyway because ze seemed awesome (and I coached myself, like I do: "if ze thinks this is too weird, ze wouldn't be a good choice for a friend anyway"); ze messaged me out of nowhere; I followed up with actual plans... and this is zir last semester at my school. It would have been SO EASY for that first event to never happen, or for any of the things to have dissolved. I feel so fucking happy that everything wove together for now. Just a little while after we started hanging out (I think it was after our nine-and-a-half hour conversation that felt like half that time) I remember telling Kylei that I felt confident that our friendship will last. And I am, but at the same time I'm nervous because there are elements that I worry could break things; it's a strange combination of certainty and insecurity.

*deep happy sigh*

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )

ohmigod, Life. I seem to be having quite a few of these "life is too beautiful for words" moments/days lately.

( beautiful people and glorious moments! ) And this will all make more sense with photos I'm sure because right now it just looks like a pile of names, but I haven't edited any yet so oh well.

I'm so un-fucking-believably in love, and life just keeps showering me with more and more joy. I'm overflowing with happiness, I feel like I've had enough joy to keep me glowing for a week -- and I'm spending tomorrow with justben! we're going to the Big Trees Forest Preserve! If I don't post again for a while, it's because I got overwhelmed with joy to the point where I lost the ability to form sentences (or perhaps words). ♥! Don't worry, I'm sure it will wear off if that happens ;-)

ohmigod, Life. I seem to be having quite a few of these "life is too beautiful for words" moments/days lately.

( beautiful people and glorious moments! ) And this will all make more sense with photos I'm sure because right now it just looks like a pile of names, but I haven't edited any yet so oh well.

I'm so un-fucking-believably in love, and life just keeps showering me with more and more joy. I'm overflowing with happiness, I feel like I've had enough joy to keep me glowing for a week -- and I'm spending tomorrow with justben! we're going to the Big Trees Forest Preserve! If I don't post again for a while, it's because I got overwhelmed with joy to the point where I lost the ability to form sentences (or perhaps words). ♥! Don't worry, I'm sure it will wear off if that happens ;-)

Ash and I had a little flatwarming party this weekend which was oh-so-much fun! We had the brilliant idea of designating a wall for collaborative painting and everyone was so creative! it turned out BEAUTIFULLY -- it's going to be in-progress indefinitely but it's already so lovely I could just sit and stare at it. I was sure it would be fascinating but I didn't realize that it would be so gorgeous! So colorful! I can't wait to have others over to add to it (especially Sara and Greta and Nicole!). Davey and S and Ash added more the day after, so it's even more colorful and amazing now. I'll take an overall photo soon -- for now you get bits n pieces ;-)




( photos! by me, Shel, and Sakka )

Ash and I had a little flatwarming party this weekend which was oh-so-much fun! We had the brilliant idea of designating a wall for collaborative painting and everyone was so creative! it turned out BEAUTIFULLY -- it's going to be in-progress indefinitely but it's already so lovely I could just sit and stare at it. I was sure it would be fascinating but I didn't realize that it would be so gorgeous! So colorful! I can't wait to have others over to add to it (especially Sara and Greta and Nicole!). Davey and S and Ash added more the day after, so it's even more colorful and amazing now. I'll take an overall photo soon -- for now you get bits n pieces ;-)




( photos! by me, Shel, and Sakka )

I've been listening to this podcast about an orgasm-based community and it's set me to thinking about how I experience pleasure. I've realized that when it comes to intense pleasure or joy of any kind, I cannot relax, cannot let the full measure of the experience in. I mentioned this last year after I went to the Big Trees Forest Preserve and felt the heartbeat of the forest -- after the first rush of joy, I shut it off. And I do that every time I REALLY want to connect and have the chance to. Even if it's just connecting with my own spirit through orgasm; I can't seem to relax into it -- it's like I feel a short burst of it and then make it stop before it can radiate through my body or my being. I've experienced a relaxed orgasm once or twice and it's the difference between night and day, but relaxing into it seems terrifying; I've not been able to do it consciously yet. It's frustrating. And it's been bothering me lately that when I'm in Ben's presence, I know the connection is there and every bit as intense as before, but I can't feel it continually. It takes me so long to open up to it now, because it's increased in intensity to the point where I close off preemptively. Just eye contact with Ben is a more intense joy and connection than any I've ever felt, and it's MORE every time. At times of less intensity (like when we're sitting next to each other but talking to other people) I can be fully open to it, but if we're focused on each other I shut down right away (then slowly the connection opens me up again).

( Why would someone who chases joy and connection as I do shut it out when it gets really intense? )

This is a new realization for me because it's new for me to have the chance to experience connection at this intensity and this often. It's amazing (and amusing) to me to discover new ways to grow in areas where I thought I pretty much 'got it.'

I want to get into therapy again because I feel like I'm starting to climb a really steep hill. I can do it on my own, but the proper gear and rope would really help. Also, I think shutting down when faced with intense joy is just a symptom of a problem which affects me in other areas, and I want to get to the core of the matter. For now I'm just going to remind myself to be open and push past my fear as best I can, and maybe in the process convince my subconscious that I'm not going to be destroyed by too much joy. And I may try (solo) orgasmic meditation, consciously relaxing. I'm definitely going to be more aware of my openness (or lack thereof) and focus on consciously opening my heart.

Knight Of Wands -- Au Revoir Simone
Oh, joy, I can see you
Oh, joy, I can see you
it's all I want
it's all I want

seeing changes everything

I've been listening to this podcast about an orgasm-based community and it's set me to thinking about how I experience pleasure. I've realized that when it comes to intense pleasure or joy of any kind, I cannot relax, cannot let the full measure of the experience in. I mentioned this last year after I went to the Big Trees Forest Preserve and felt the heartbeat of the forest -- after the first rush of joy, I shut it off. And I do that every time I REALLY want to connect and have the chance to. Even if it's just connecting with my own spirit through orgasm; I can't seem to relax into it -- it's like I feel a short burst of it and then make it stop before it can radiate through my body or my being. I've experienced a relaxed orgasm once or twice and it's the difference between night and day, but relaxing into it seems terrifying; I've not been able to do it consciously yet. It's frustrating. And it's been bothering me lately that when I'm in Ben's presence, I know the connection is there and every bit as intense as before, but I can't feel it continually. It takes me so long to open up to it now, because it's increased in intensity to the point where I close off preemptively. Just eye contact with Ben is a more intense joy and connection than any I've ever felt, and it's MORE every time. At times of less intensity (like when we're sitting next to each other but talking to other people) I can be fully open to it, but if we're focused on each other I shut down right away (then slowly the connection opens me up again).

( Why would someone who chases joy and connection as I do shut it out when it gets really intense? )

This is a new realization for me because it's new for me to have the chance to experience connection at this intensity and this often. It's amazing (and amusing) to me to discover new ways to grow in areas where I thought I pretty much 'got it.'

I want to get into therapy again because I feel like I'm starting to climb a really steep hill. I can do it on my own, but the proper gear and rope would really help. Also, I think shutting down when faced with intense joy is just a symptom of a problem which affects me in other areas, and I want to get to the core of the matter. For now I'm just going to remind myself to be open and push past my fear as best I can, and maybe in the process convince my subconscious that I'm not going to be destroyed by too much joy. And I may try (solo) orgasmic meditation, consciously relaxing. I'm definitely going to be more aware of my openness (or lack thereof) and focus on consciously opening my heart.

Knight Of Wands -- Au Revoir Simone
Oh, joy, I can see you
Oh, joy, I can see you
it's all I want
it's all I want

seeing changes everything

This is two sets of photos -- the first was taken when I went to Big Trees Forest Preserve alone on the 1st, and the second was taken on the 25th when I visited with Ben for the first time. The first set is small, mostly self-portraits, and pales in comparison to the second but I edited them so I'm sharing them anyway, dammit.



( solo visit on the 1st )

Going to Big Trees with Ben was a revelation. As we walked through, we were together, but loosely; ze was comfortable with me wandering off a bit and also wandered a bit zirself, and even when physically separated there was a strong sense of connection. When sharing a sacred space with someone previously, I've had two experiences -- either I am 'leading' and they're sort of reliant on me to open the way for them, or they have a separate experience in the same space. I've never felt that sort of open and free connection before and it's amazing!

But the most thrilling and beautiful part was that I saw it all with a depth that I hadn't before. Ze noticed things I didn't and shared them with me! (usually the other either doesn't share, or doesn't notice things I haven't (or both)) I love that so much! It was so incredibly inspiring for me both emotionally and creatively; this set of photos is BY FAR my best, and quite a few of my favorites were of things that Ben pointed out to me. I'm delighted with how ze sees (and even more with how ze shares) ♥




( Oct 25th visit with Ben ♥ )

This is two sets of photos -- the first was taken when I went to Big Trees Forest Preserve alone on the 1st, and the second was taken on the 25th when I visited with Ben for the first time. The first set is small, mostly self-portraits, and pales in comparison to the second but I edited them so I'm sharing them anyway, dammit.



( solo visit on the 1st )

Going to Big Trees with Ben was a revelation. As we walked through, we were together, but loosely; ze was comfortable with me wandering off a bit and also wandered a bit zirself, and even when physically separated there was a strong sense of connection. When sharing a sacred space with someone previously, I've had two experiences -- either I am 'leading' and they're sort of reliant on me to open the way for them, or they have a separate experience in the same space. I've never felt that sort of open and free connection before and it's amazing!

But the most thrilling and beautiful part was that I saw it all with a depth that I hadn't before. Ze noticed things I didn't and shared them with me! (usually the other either doesn't share, or doesn't notice things I haven't (or both)) I love that so much! It was so incredibly inspiring for me both emotionally and creatively; this set of photos is BY FAR my best, and quite a few of my favorites were of things that Ben pointed out to me. I'm delighted with how ze sees (and even more with how ze shares) ♥




( Oct 25th visit with Ben ♥ )

My life's been an explosion of change the past week; I moved out of my ex's place and in with Ash -- it had been sort of a vague possibility and all of a sudden it just happened. I'm still sort of reeling from that -- I think I was ready to move but at the same time, I had lived in that apartment for FIVE YEARS almost to the day, which is a very long time to me. It feels like a rebirth. I've gotten almost all settled (my altar isn't set up yet because I need a tall person's help to hang the curtain) and I feel rather in awe of my space. It's such a relief to have a space I can go that is entirely mine, where I can decorate however I want and do whatever I want without worrying about how it affects someone else. I hadn't realized just how much I edited out of concern for my ex -- I did it freely and don't regret it, but oh I'm enjoying just being free. And it's lovely to have Ash as my flatmate! I had anticipated it being more of an adjustment but it's been so comfortable to share space with zir, as if we'd already been doing it for ages.

I found out that I'm not going on the equality ride next spring, which is a huge disappointment to say the least. I'd really felt like this was the perfect time for it, but I suppose it wasn't because it's not happening. I would be more crushed but I'm choosing to have faith that it's not happening because there's something better for me. I'm feeling a little shakier about having moved further north because I'd put off moving to Atlanta mostly because I was planning on moving after the equality ride anyway. But then, the timing of my unplanned move and the rejection news makes me think it was meant to happen this way. And I feel like living with Ash is really important right now, though I couldn't say exactly why -- it just feels right. So I've started looking for a job in the area and should hopefully hear back from some people within the week. It's really bothering me to have to use my legal name but it would probably make a serious tangle to change it before the divorce so oh well.

Speaking of which, I've been thinking about asking everyone to call me James for a while, even those who do know me well... ( ambivalence )

And even moving, officially separating from my ex, shifting plans for life -- these things are petty compared to the emotional and spiritual changes going on with me right now. This connection I have with Ben feels like it's altering me radically and it's got me constantly spinning -- I feel like I'm in a transdimensional whirlwind and I have no idea where I'm going to end up or what I'm going to be when I get there. I've felt deeply moved by connections before, even like I was metamorphosing, but never like I was shifting so fast I couldn't mark the stages. I'm just letting it shift me, watching with my eyes as wide as they'll go, living this alchemy as fully as I can. And oh, so thrillingly ecstatically loving it.

So I run out but not away
shooting off sparks into the dark, out in the street
‘cause one day I am going to bloom
patient and proud
with fish in my mouth
and eyes in my wings
What kind of creature shall I be?
Midsummer Night's Dream -- Noe Venable

My life's been an explosion of change the past week; I moved out of my ex's place and in with Ash -- it had been sort of a vague possibility and all of a sudden it just happened. I'm still sort of reeling from that -- I think I was ready to move but at the same time, I had lived in that apartment for FIVE YEARS almost to the day, which is a very long time to me. It feels like a rebirth. I've gotten almost all settled (my altar isn't set up yet because I need a tall person's help to hang the curtain) and I feel rather in awe of my space. It's such a relief to have a space I can go that is entirely mine, where I can decorate however I want and do whatever I want without worrying about how it affects someone else. I hadn't realized just how much I edited out of concern for my ex -- I did it freely and don't regret it, but oh I'm enjoying just being free. And it's lovely to have Ash as my flatmate! I had anticipated it being more of an adjustment but it's been so comfortable to share space with zir, as if we'd already been doing it for ages.

I found out that I'm not going on the equality ride next spring, which is a huge disappointment to say the least. I'd really felt like this was the perfect time for it, but I suppose it wasn't because it's not happening. I would be more crushed but I'm choosing to have faith that it's not happening because there's something better for me. I'm feeling a little shakier about having moved further north because I'd put off moving to Atlanta mostly because I was planning on moving after the equality ride anyway. But then, the timing of my unplanned move and the rejection news makes me think it was meant to happen this way. And I feel like living with Ash is really important right now, though I couldn't say exactly why -- it just feels right. So I've started looking for a job in the area and should hopefully hear back from some people within the week. It's really bothering me to have to use my legal name but it would probably make a serious tangle to change it before the divorce so oh well.

Speaking of which, I've been thinking about asking everyone to call me James for a while, even those who do know me well... ( ambivalence )

And even moving, officially separating from my ex, shifting plans for life -- these things are petty compared to the emotional and spiritual changes going on with me right now. This connection I have with Ben feels like it's altering me radically and it's got me constantly spinning -- I feel like I'm in a transdimensional whirlwind and I have no idea where I'm going to end up or what I'm going to be when I get there. I've felt deeply moved by connections before, even like I was metamorphosing, but never like I was shifting so fast I couldn't mark the stages. I'm just letting it shift me, watching with my eyes as wide as they'll go, living this alchemy as fully as I can. And oh, so thrillingly ecstatically loving it.

So I run out but not away
shooting off sparks into the dark, out in the street
‘cause one day I am going to bloom
patient and proud
with fish in my mouth
and eyes in my wings
What kind of creature shall I be?
Midsummer Night's Dream -- Noe Venable

( deliriously happy time ♥ )

Polyamory is so amazing, and so utterly perfect for me -- something I'm realizing viscerally for the first time because I'm only involved with poly people right now, so there's not that hesitation/worry that was in the back of my mind when I was with my ex-partner. To feel this with Ben AND what I feel for Viv at the same time? To follow my heart unquestioningly? it's just... wow. I'm all aglow, I'm so gloriously happy, I'm so exactly where I'm meant to be. Wow.

( deliriously happy time ♥ )

Polyamory is so amazing, and so utterly perfect for me -- something I'm realizing viscerally for the first time because I'm only involved with poly people right now, so there's not that hesitation/worry that was in the back of my mind when I was with my ex-partner. To feel this with Ben AND what I feel for Viv at the same time? To follow my heart unquestioningly? it's just... wow. I'm all aglow, I'm so gloriously happy, I'm so exactly where I'm meant to be. Wow.

( I have a new 'love interest' as Ash would say )

This is so new to me, just acting on impulse rather than considering everything logically. I've not even been asking myself the usual questions -- you know, "What is the nature and purpose and direction of this?" Of course now that I'm writing I'm tempted, but I like the organic way it's unfolding and I like holding it in an open hand, so I'm going to continue without questions, for now.

It's beautiful and it makes me happy ♥

( I have a new 'love interest' as Ash would say )

This is so new to me, just acting on impulse rather than considering everything logically. I've not even been asking myself the usual questions -- you know, "What is the nature and purpose and direction of this?" Of course now that I'm writing I'm tempted, but I like the organic way it's unfolding and I like holding it in an open hand, so I'm going to continue without questions, for now.

It's beautiful and it makes me happy ♥

in googling myself, I discovered an anti-beauty-myth article using one of my photos as illustration. I am SO INSPIRED right now. It's in Spanish so I used babelfish to translate, and I love the way certain lines were translated:

Where it is left the diversity? As it is the place of intelligence, the tenderness, picardia, the force of the powerful character of the Venezuelan woman? To be "pretty", according to the criterion of our country, implies to extirpate the individuality, the weight I specify of our defects and virtues, that ineffable personal brightness that us makes only? I do not create it, I do not admit it, I resist to that idea.

( the google-translated article (borderline worksafe photo of me included) )

Unique, beautiful, unrepeatable. This is femininity in my country, and no one, even those sad aesthetic theorists who try to corner the curves and beautiful imperfections to create a single mold, it will never achieve change that thinking. -- Deirge

---

What is even more amazing? This particular photo has been stolen and desecrated TWICE by people attempting to show off their 'photoshop skills' at skinnifying me (I reported them for copyright theft and had the images removed from dA). There is some serious power in it, to provoke such reactions. I'm... gloriously stunned at the power of simple belief in the beauty of variety.

in googling myself, I discovered an anti-beauty-myth article using one of my photos as illustration. I am SO INSPIRED right now. It's in Spanish so I used babelfish to translate, and I love the way certain lines were translated:

Where it is left the diversity? As it is the place of intelligence, the tenderness, picardia, the force of the powerful character of the Venezuelan woman? To be "pretty", according to the criterion of our country, implies to extirpate the individuality, the weight I specify of our defects and virtues, that ineffable personal brightness that us makes only? I do not create it, I do not admit it, I resist to that idea.

( the google-translated article (borderline worksafe photo of me included) )

Unique, beautiful, unrepeatable. This is femininity in my country, and no one, even those sad aesthetic theorists who try to corner the curves and beautiful imperfections to create a single mold, it will never achieve change that thinking. -- Deirge

---

What is even more amazing? This particular photo has been stolen and desecrated TWICE by people attempting to show off their 'photoshop skills' at skinnifying me (I reported them for copyright theft and had the images removed from dA). There is some serious power in it, to provoke such reactions. I'm... gloriously stunned at the power of simple belief in the beauty of variety.

I am in awe of life right now. Total and complete fucking awe. My life is richer than cheesecake, I can hardly stomach it! I am absolutely the most blessed, loved, doted-on-by-deity person that there ever is, was, or will be! I am SOOOOO happy, SO happy, SO SO SO filled with JOY!

I feel like I suddenly got pregnant and gave birth, all in a few days, and then two days later it happened again! and now I feel pregnant again. (not literally) Now I have all these newborn fae creations, all this life, all this love, floods and floods of joy joy joy. So much! I am absolutely overwhelmed, in the best way. Oh, how can life be so beautiful? how can I be so... blessed? How can this be? How can this be?

Oh God/dess, oh Nut, oh Jesus, oh Ma'at, oh life, how can you love me so much? how can you bless me so much? How can I be so cherished?

I have cried with joy almost every day for the past week. Is it any wonder I cannot express this? I marvel at how I manage not to explode -- how can one person hold so much joy and love and faith and hope? such gratitude.

I'm not yet ready to explain, but I will tell you what I believe opened the way for this love-joy to enter my life. Here is ( my affirmation )

I am in awe of life right now. Total and complete fucking awe. My life is richer than cheesecake, I can hardly stomach it! I am absolutely the most blessed, loved, doted-on-by-deity person that there ever is, was, or will be! I am SOOOOO happy, SO happy, SO SO SO filled with JOY!

I feel like I suddenly got pregnant and gave birth, all in a few days, and then two days later it happened again! and now I feel pregnant again. (not literally) Now I have all these newborn fae creations, all this life, all this love, floods and floods of joy joy joy. So much! I am absolutely overwhelmed, in the best way. Oh, how can life be so beautiful? how can I be so... blessed? How can this be? How can this be?

Oh God/dess, oh Nut, oh Jesus, oh Ma'at, oh life, how can you love me so much? how can you bless me so much? How can I be so cherished?

I have cried with joy almost every day for the past week. Is it any wonder I cannot express this? I marvel at how I manage not to explode -- how can one person hold so much joy and love and faith and hope? such gratitude.

I'm not yet ready to explain, but I will tell you what I believe opened the way for this love-joy to enter my life. Here is ( my affirmation )

Someone (don't know who) sent me a package (to a house where I apparently lived with my mom and lil sis). Inside was a pen which wrote beautifully in rainbow colors, one color flowing at a time. I wrote my name (but I can't remember what it was) and kept on making swirls, fascinated. Then I noticed that each color wasn't just a flat wash of ink -- it was tiny shapes of flowers and vines and other plants. I realized this pen dispensed magic, and I began to put the ink on everything (it was able to spray) -- after I realized it was magic the ink began to flow glitter also. There were little faery figurines laying around (I think I had a huge collection of them) and as I sprayed the magic ink on them they came 'back' alive -- apparently they had been spelled into plastic and pewter. I ran outside and began spraying everything -- plants sprouted blossoms of all kinds of bright colors, things shot to life, everything was saturated in swirly living color and glitter. I started to think it would run out, but then I thought to myself that when it did, the magic would still be in the world, so I continued to spray everything with wild abandon, though I sprayed the faeries lightly instead of saturating them, so that I could make sure each faery came alive.



there is really nothing that can compare to the beauty of that dream... imagine this
as vivid glowing light, dancing in the air, becoming the skin of delighted faeries and vibrant plants,
flowing into water, living and breathing in multidimensional shapes and continuously flowing color,
each tiniest speck of color being alive...

I don't know who all was sending me magic, but DAMN. You did a good job! Every time I think of that dream it uplifts me. (special thanks to Ava, Kevloid, and Spydie whom I know sent magic ♥ (and an ice cream llama, but I'm not so sure about that))

The phone rang and woke me, so I didn't get to find out if the pen did in fact run out. I'll choose to believe that it wouldn't.

Someone (don't know who) sent me a package (to a house where I apparently lived with my mom and lil sis). Inside was a pen which wrote beautifully in rainbow colors, one color flowing at a time. I wrote my name (but I can't remember what it was) and kept on making swirls, fascinated. Then I noticed that each color wasn't just a flat wash of ink -- it was tiny shapes of flowers and vines and other plants. I realized this pen dispensed magic, and I began to put the ink on everything (it was able to spray) -- after I realized it was magic the ink began to flow glitter also. There were little faery figurines laying around (I think I had a huge collection of them) and as I sprayed the magic ink on them they came 'back' alive -- apparently they had been spelled into plastic and pewter. I ran outside and began spraying everything -- plants sprouted blossoms of all kinds of bright colors, things shot to life, everything was saturated in swirly living color and glitter. I started to think it would run out, but then I thought to myself that when it did, the magic would still be in the world, so I continued to spray everything with wild abandon, though I sprayed the faeries lightly instead of saturating them, so that I could make sure each faery came alive.



there is really nothing that can compare to the beauty of that dream... imagine this
as vivid glowing light, dancing in the air, becoming the skin of delighted faeries and vibrant plants,
flowing into water, living and breathing in multidimensional shapes and continuously flowing color,
each tiniest speck of color being alive...

I don't know who all was sending me magic, but DAMN. You did a good job! Every time I think of that dream it uplifts me. (special thanks to Ava, Kevloid, and Spydie whom I know sent magic ♥ (and an ice cream llama, but I'm not so sure about that))

The phone rang and woke me, so I didn't get to find out if the pen did in fact run out. I'll choose to believe that it wouldn't.

Today is my one-year anniversary of soulfriendship with Hannah!!!
((short definition of soulfriendship: a permanent (no-matter-what) relationship where we are completely open and honest with each other, include each other in every aspect of our lives, and continually help each other to grow and change)) I've been so excited! I've been a believer in soulfriendship for years, but never had 'proof' that it could really work. Now I do, because it has. ♥ ((I plan to do a new in-depth description of soulfriendship soon))

One year ago today, we decided to commit soulfriendship to each other. This has been SUCH a force of positive change and growth in both of us, and even though it has often been hard, it has been a fantastic bargain -- the reward is worth the pain, many times over. Developing this soulfriendship has taught me so incredibly much about life and love and the human spirit. And because we are so alike and we entered the relationship with such clear goals, I've learned as much in a year with this soulfriendship than I learned in five years with my soulfriendship with my husband. It has also improved my marriage immeasurably because I know so much more about communication.

I wish I could put into words the ways in which this relationship has changed my life. I don't think I can even fully comprehend it! I have learned that openness and honesty is ALWAYS rewarding; that if both people are willing, anything can be worked through -- even if the pain feels like it is going to destroy you; and that an incredibly intimate relationship can be totally platonic (something that is not often believed).

I think the area in which I have grown the most is simply believing in the human spirit. Hannah reflects me, and truths that I considered on my own, I see in her and can fully feel the truth of them. I've never met anyone (besides myself of course) who believes in the spirit world as intensely and comprehensively. She's my spirit-twin: we are so nearly identical in spirit that it was shocking when we first began to get to know each other, because we felt the SAME WAY on so many things! After a while, it became shocking to find a way in which we were different. ;-) We're not exactly the same of course, and much of us is yet-to-be-developed, so we often have conversations about things which we have incomplete ideas on, and we clash those ideas together until we hone them to definition. Usually they end up being the same, but every now and then we end up disagreeing, which is just as fun because that simply means it is a subject for many more conversations.

Hannah is amazing... She's so passionate, so deep and thoughtful. When I read her writing, I feel like I'm slipping into a deep, quiet pool in the middle of the forest. She's so brave; she faces her pain, doesn't deny or belittle it but challenges it head-on. She believes in the inherent worth of every human being, in seeking knowledge and growth, in sharing oneself with another, in the power of creativity to bring positive change. I admire her so very much and feel incredibly honored to have her as my soulfriend.

( my favorite (clothed) photos of hannah, and of hannah and I -- yes, actually worksafe! )

Today is my one-year anniversary of soulfriendship with Hannah!!!
((short definition of soulfriendship: a permanent (no-matter-what) relationship where we are completely open and honest with each other, include each other in every aspect of our lives, and continually help each other to grow and change)) I've been so excited! I've been a believer in soulfriendship for years, but never had 'proof' that it could really work. Now I do, because it has. ♥ ((I plan to do a new in-depth description of soulfriendship soon))

One year ago today, we decided to commit soulfriendship to each other. This has been SUCH a force of positive change and growth in both of us, and even though it has often been hard, it has been a fantastic bargain -- the reward is worth the pain, many times over. Developing this soulfriendship has taught me so incredibly much about life and love and the human spirit. And because we are so alike and we entered the relationship with such clear goals, I've learned as much in a year with this soulfriendship than I learned in five years with my soulfriendship with my husband. It has also improved my marriage immeasurably because I know so much more about communication.

I wish I could put into words the ways in which this relationship has changed my life. I don't think I can even fully comprehend it! I have learned that openness and honesty is ALWAYS rewarding; that if both people are willing, anything can be worked through -- even if the pain feels like it is going to destroy you; and that an incredibly intimate relationship can be totally platonic (something that is not often believed).

I think the area in which I have grown the most is simply believing in the human spirit. Hannah reflects me, and truths that I considered on my own, I see in her and can fully feel the truth of them. I've never met anyone (besides myself of course) who believes in the spirit world as intensely and comprehensively. She's my spirit-twin: we are so nearly identical in spirit that it was shocking when we first began to get to know each other, because we felt the SAME WAY on so many things! After a while, it became shocking to find a way in which we were different. ;-) We're not exactly the same of course, and much of us is yet-to-be-developed, so we often have conversations about things which we have incomplete ideas on, and we clash those ideas together until we hone them to definition. Usually they end up being the same, but every now and then we end up disagreeing, which is just as fun because that simply means it is a subject for many more conversations.

Hannah is amazing... She's so passionate, so deep and thoughtful. When I read her writing, I feel like I'm slipping into a deep, quiet pool in the middle of the forest. She's so brave; she faces her pain, doesn't deny or belittle it but challenges it head-on. She believes in the inherent worth of every human being, in seeking knowledge and growth, in sharing oneself with another, in the power of creativity to bring positive change. I admire her so very much and feel incredibly honored to have her as my soulfriend.

( my favorite (clothed) photos of hannah, and of hannah and I -- yes, actually worksafe! )