from delicatexflower: what do you consider the highest form of intimacy? does it vary on the person?

I think the most intense form of intimacy does vary both from person to person and interaction to interaction. I recognize many different kinds:

( mental, physical, romantic, creative, sexual, resource, spiritual, dwelling, amusement, trauma, historical, exposure, access, conflict )

The two kinds with the highest esteem in society are sexual and historical. People refer to loving someone "like family" when they mean "with great intensity and closeness" but rarely do I see families with any real level of mental intimacy: they just have a lot of historical and exposure intimacy. People are assumed to hold sexual intimacy as a special kind and once they have it with someone, it is assumed that some kind of bond is formed (which is true sometimes but nowhere near always). I feel deep resentment that these two kinds are held as more important than the others, because they are not better and they are not necessary for deep intimacy!

Also, few people realize that more kinds exist than sexual, historical, and exposure. And because of this, they think that you can only get intimacy on accident, because you 'fell in love' or fell in lust or because you were raised with/by someone or because you went to school together or worked together. But those can be such shallow types of intimacy. Historical intimacy in particular tends to stagnate people: they have intimacy with someone because of what used to be true, so they are afraid to change because if they break with their history, they break with those that they connected with through it. Exposure intimacy is only meaningful if it is current or if everyone involved is stagnant. For instance, if you spent every single day with someone for five years you probably know them REALLY well unless that happened ten years ago, in which case you might not know them at all. Sexual intimacy can be completely shallow if people are just following scripts without thought or intention. I would say most of the others can be shallow too; no form of intimacy is inherently more intense than another. It all depends on what kinds you have access to and what you do with them.

Solstice was amazing -- definitely the best of my life. Topaz, Aurilion, Abby, Heather (& Brian), Kylei, Camellia, Jude, Roger, Allison (& Whitney), Locke, and myself made 13, perfect, delighted me. I was really happy to have everyone there and really happy to give presents. I got SO excited watching people open them, it was ridic, also Topaz flew across the room to hug me at one present and Abby got reality-broken by one so I felt extremely accomplished, and I felt reflected happiness from everyone I got/made gifts for so that was wonderful. And I made superfood pasta sauce and lots of people loved it <3 It made me feel so good to be able to feed people, I wish I could do that more often but it's expensive so I can't.

I still can't believe that Aurilion came to visit! we talked so much and mended all this old stuff, untangled all these old questions and assumptions. One thing was that near the end of our romantic relationship, there were a few months where we talked for like 2 hours almost every day and neither of us were happy about it but we didn't say so. I felt like an unpaid therapist and Aurilion felt like ze was giving all this openness and I wasn't giving any back. It's sort of astonishing and embarrassing to look back and see how easily that could have been resolved if I had just been blunt (I remember trying to express what I wanted but tiptoeing so much it didn't get through). Also it made me realize that somewhere along the way I lost the habit of openness. I stopped looking into myself to find things to share. I think maybe it happened last year (2012) because I feel like I spent that entire year silent, and mourning that no one sought me. I feel loved when people ask me interesting and prying questions in a way that shows they are looking at my thought process and I feel unloved when I share and get little to no response, or the person redirects the conversation to their own experience/thoughts. To avoid feeling unloved I stopped sharing. And I realized this but it's hard to change conversational habits alone. It was really fascinating and lovely to see how, once I realized that the voluble flow of words from Aurilion came with the expectation that I would share in the same way (instead of, as I thought, the expectation that I would just listen and engage with zir shares), I could reflect on my experiences and find interesting things to share. I still want people to ask me questions, but I also want to practice unprompted sharing again, and just be conscious of when it is not nourishing to do so, so that I don't get drained.

I really enjoyed the time I spent with Aurilion and it happened at a perfect time but I really hope that ze can visit again at a time that isn't so full of other things because I'd like to enter into the connection more. There was so much going on this time. But the biggest block to zir visiting has been overcome so hopefully there will be a smaller lag this time ;-) I really loved seeing zir interact with the people I love and they all enjoyed each others' company a lot too.

Also, Aurilion and I kissed a few times, and when I talked with Topaz about it ze reacted without worry or even surprise (the first time had surprised me as I had absolutely no expectations of what would happen!). I feel more confident that we can move forward together now, and I feel less stressed about the shift into me being more poly again. Also Topaz and I have been having the most amazing sex ever and I feel excited and fulfilled.

Also Topaz' parents spoiled me ridiculously much with Christmas presents; I cried. I have never been so thoughtfully treated at the holidays. My parents got me stuff I didn't want most of the time, stuff that said they didn't know me at all (M kept getting me perfume, which I hate, and FLORAL perfume at that! UGH, like a slap in the face. And I got no presents once I 'betrayed' the family by forcing them to do something about the abuse in it). My in-laws made me feel like an outsider (they have an only-blood-is-real-family kind of mindset). I spent so many years wanting to feel included and seen, and though I certainly got that from my tribe, I never got it from 'family' but Topaz' family treats me like I belong. The biggest thing was that it felt genuine, not just a 'well you're here so we gotta get you something so it doesn't seem like a snub.' They acted like it was no big deal and I think to them it really wasn't, they just included me without thinking hard about it, but it was a big damn deal to me. I wrote them a card and sent it in the mail.

I feel good right now and that's fucking noteworthy. I finally got set up at Wishwood and it's been a warm day and Arizona pointed me to this (NSFW) which made me feel hopeful that the world is not irreparably fucked up (the ubiquitous exploitative 'sexuality' surrounding me is one of the biggest drains on my energy) -- obv not all of it is my kink but seeing desire and joy together is nourishing.

I keep daydreaming about escaping. I know there's really nowhere to escape to (all of this racist sexist ableist looksist bullshit is everywhere), but pretending there is gives me a kind of comfort.

I've now been medicated for about two weeks and it seems to be helping. I can now push back a little instead of instantly falling into deep despair at the slightest bump. I feel like the meds are a dome over this part of my self which has been wounded really badly -- it still hurts but at least it's not getting worse every day, and maybe it can heal. I didn't even realize that feeling suicidal day after day would cause cumulative damage. I am so grateful that warmth is coming.

It's so fucking trippy to be in the house that has featured in so many of my dreams. I really thought I would never live here again and it makes it harder to believe that things are real. It also is hard to believe that people are real because I don't spend much time with them in comparison to last year. And it's hard to believe that I am real because the depression makes my body more numb so sometimes when I pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming, I can barely feel it. And it's hard to believe that life is real because so many of the things I cared deeply about I just have no interest in. Obligation is the primary reason for most of what I do lately, which is so shitty, but life would become infinitely more shitty if I did not follow through on those obligations... fuck.

and yet! I told the psychiatrist when we met that if it weren't for the depression, I'd be the happiest I've ever been. It's SO FUCKED that I can't feel the happiness I should be having. I feel completely nourished with Topaz, AND rarely drained. I was doing really well in school and in activist stuff, but some of that got fucked up by the depression and I put responsibility down before I made too much damage to be able to recover it... maybe. I can't fret about it right now, I have to just try to become okay, and I have to be patient or it won't work.

Topaz' family is huge and deeply intertwined with each other. I've gone to several family gatherings and it keeps bringing up old stuff from my ex-partner's family. I realized that they were more my family than my biofamily, who were emotionally just employers from the time I realized kind treatment from them was contingent on unquestioning obedience. I adopted my ex-partner's family and for the five years I was best friends with Rebecca, they adopted me, mostly. But then I hurt the golden child and compounded that by stealing the oldest boy and then I got weird, so they excluded me after that. For years I hoped to be treated like "real family" but when my ex-partner replaced me with a nice christian straight monogamous girly girl, they just didn't talk to me anymore. I'm sure it's partly due to my behavior but I was acting like a child and expecting them to reach out first. I have a super-visceral memory of the day I gave up on ever being part of them; it was some kind of anniversary/birthday party and I went without my partner (because ze was coming later) and when I got there, all anyone said to me was "where's [ex-partner]?" or "hi" depending on the person. I was taken aback but it was watching the slideshow of photos over the years and seeing so few photos of me, seeing photos I had taken as the one "non-family" person on various family trips, while seeing more photos of Rebecca's husband (who had been around 2 years to my 10+ years)... that made me feel profoundly rejected. All those years on the outside. That was a few months before the ex-partner ended it. So now, with Topaz' family, they seem so warm and welcoming and I want to be part of that, I want to be accepted as deeply connected with Topaz and also as myself, but what if it's going to be another decade of wishing and always being on the outside?

At about 11:30 tonight, I went to say goodbye to Kristy and as usual we had hilarity with the camera (Rebecca was our photographer and she kept laughing too hard to take the photos). I'll share 3:

Isn't she just 'dorable? That last one is the product of an in-joke, 'cause elya, R, and Kristy always tease me about being a walking encyclopedia, and Kristy jokes about herself being dumb (she isn't, but it makes for good jokes).

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And now for a 180-degree change in tone...
Earlier, all the girls in the family (except me, 'cause I'm not family of course!) went to the Botanical Gardens to see a GLASS SCULPTURE exhibit... and it was the last day the exhibit was open... What a slap in the face. Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic. Seriously, they couldn't have found a better way to hurt me if they tried! I'm crazy about glass, and when Kristy's mom mentioned it the other day I expressed my enthusiasm -- loudly. And I know for a fact that if Miss K's brother had been in town, they'd have invited his wife, whom they barely know, just because "she's family." But not me, probably because they think Kristy would pay more attention to me than them. So? She has a right to! And I've known this family for 12 years now, been very close to them for the past 7... you'd think they'd invite me just because they like me, not to mention that they're my in-laws!

I'm hoping that SOMEBODY suggested that they invite me... 'cause Rebecca, elya, and Kristy all went... and dammit, what do I have to do to be considered part of the family? Have all my blood replaced with donations from each of them?

I was so incredibly hurt and furious... I intend to confront Miss K (alone) about it tomorrow.

At about 11:30 tonight, I went to say goodbye to Kristy and as usual we had hilarity with the camera (Rebecca was our photographer and she kept laughing too hard to take the photos). I'll share 3:

Isn't she just 'dorable? That last one is the product of an in-joke, 'cause elya, R, and Kristy always tease me about being a walking encyclopedia, and Kristy jokes about herself being dumb (she isn't, but it makes for good jokes).

--------

And now for a 180-degree change in tone...
Earlier, all the girls in the family (except me, 'cause I'm not family of course!) went to the Botanical Gardens to see a GLASS SCULPTURE exhibit... and it was the last day the exhibit was open... What a slap in the face. Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic. Seriously, they couldn't have found a better way to hurt me if they tried! I'm crazy about glass, and when Kristy's mom mentioned it the other day I expressed my enthusiasm -- loudly. And I know for a fact that if Miss K's brother had been in town, they'd have invited his wife, whom they barely know, just because "she's family." But not me, probably because they think Kristy would pay more attention to me than them. So? She has a right to! And I've known this family for 12 years now, been very close to them for the past 7... you'd think they'd invite me just because they like me, not to mention that they're my in-laws!

I'm hoping that SOMEBODY suggested that they invite me... 'cause Rebecca, elya, and Kristy all went... and dammit, what do I have to do to be considered part of the family? Have all my blood replaced with donations from each of them?

I was so incredibly hurt and furious... I intend to confront Miss K (alone) about it tomorrow.

At about 11:30 tonight, I went to say goodbye to Kristy and as usual we had hilarity with the camera (Rebecca was our photographer and she kept laughing too hard to take the photos). I'll share 3:

Isn't she just 'dorable? That last one is the product of an in-joke, 'cause elya, R, and Kristy always tease me about being a walking encyclopedia, and Kristy jokes about herself being dumb (she isn't, but it makes for good jokes).

--------

And now for a 180-degree change in tone...
Earlier, all the girls in the family (except me, 'cause I'm not family of course!) went to the Botanical Gardens to see a GLASS SCULPTURE exhibit... and it was the last day the exhibit was open... What a slap in the face. Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic. Seriously, they couldn't have found a better way to hurt me if they tried! I'm crazy about glass, and when Kristy's mom mentioned it the other day I expressed my enthusiasm -- loudly. And I know for a fact that if Miss K's brother had been in town, they'd have invited his wife, whom they barely know, just because "she's family." But not me, probably because they think Kristy would pay more attention to me than them. So? She has a right to! And I've known this family for 12 years now, been very close to them for the past 7... you'd think they'd invite me just because they like me, not to mention that they're my in-laws!

I'm hoping that SOMEBODY suggested that they invite me... 'cause Rebecca, elya, and Kristy all went... and dammit, what do I have to do to be considered part of the family? Have all my blood replaced with donations from each of them?

I was so incredibly hurt and furious... I intend to confront Miss K (alone) about it tomorrow.