My typical day probably sounds very boring from the outside, because most of it happens inside my head. I have two kinds of days; when-my-partner-works and when-my-partner's-off. (when I have a visitor it's all random)

A 'when-my-partner-works' day (when I am on my preferred schedule) starts by waking up about an hour after my partner has gone to work (which varies from day to day). It goes like this:

Morning -- I get up, do some reps on the HealthRider (my goal is 10 per day at half-hour intervals, increasing the length of each set gradually), then set my phone alarm for 30 minutes and read. When it goes off, I work out again and then read again. I generally read an hour of fiction one day and then an hour of non-fiction the next, but sometimes I mix it up and do half an hour of each. Days of reading non-fiction for an hour is often followed by me talking to myself for... quite a while. This is how I compose most of my posts; I speak them out loud to myself, complete with facial expressions and exclamations, occasionally shouting -- I'm sure to someone peeking in I would look quite insane. I'll make myself tea or coffee while ranting to myself. On fiction days I'm generally less overflowing with thought and so I might just sing or dance around or talk to Kanika while making my drink. Then I check my LJ, email, facebook, etc, and have breakfast while watching a show or movie. Thirty minutes after I've eaten I set my alarm to go off in 30 minute intervals (for working out), and interrupt myself each time the alarm goes off (if I don't immediately interrupt I end up procrastinating until it never happens).

Afternoon -- My partner comes home for lunch and I usually read while ze checks zir game & car forums and plays chess and axis & allies online. Sometimes we talk -- it depends how much of a hurry ze is in. If I'm feeling especially kind I might give zir a shoulder massage. I put my contacts in about this time (can't have them in for more than 8 hours so I put them in late). Then ze goes back to work and I get online (mainly LJ, dA, & facebook), make jewelry, read, watch a movie/show, edit photos, clean up, play with Kanika, dance, or write. If it's warm I might put on clothes and go out to a coffeehouse or used book store or secondhand shop or park; if it's cold I generally stay in. (now that it's getting warm I'm finding local events to go to and people to meet)

Evening -- My partner gets home and if it's one of zir 12+ hour days, we have dinner while watching a show (we have certain ones that we only watch together; this is something that makes my partner feel loved, as ze likes doing things together). If it's a shorter day and ze gets off work early enough, we might go out for dinner or for coffee & a drive, or stay in and make love (we make plans for sex; we don't do 'quickies'). Then ze either gets on the computer or goes to bed, and I call Aurilion to talk for an hour or two. Sometimes I edit photos or make jewelry while talking, because those things involve a sort of instinct that doesn't disrupt my concentration on the conversation. Then I'm off to bed, where my partner and I snuggle a little and then 'back-cuddle' (press our backs together) and go to sleep.

( A 'when-my-partner-is-off-work' day varies )

We went to Atlanta with the intention of seeing the Tutankhamun exhibit which elya kindly got tickets for as a belated birthday present to me, but we got COMPLETELY LOST because I got directions to the High Museum (where it was last time) and not the Civic Center, so we parked at the High and started walking... 30 minutes later we looked at a map and realized we were only halfway there, and the ticket is only good for a certain entry time. I was very upset, cursing and on the edge of tears because Egypt is of great spiritual significance to me and this would be the SECOND time I had missed my chance to connect with it here. My partner comforted me by promising that we'd get tickets and go before the exhibit ends in May (this is a big sacrifice because ze hates going to Atlanta and the tickets are expensive). So as not to waste the day, we went to the Botanical Gardens by following the signs I'd spotted on our walk (surprisingly easy! we actually didn't get lost!).



( on the way down, walking through Atlanta, and exploring the gardens )

( in the conifer garden I met the most amazing tree... )

During Aurilion's visit, we made a spur-of-the-moment stop by the local eclectica store where I found the perfect tarot deck waiting for me. ( it was a destined happening )

These cards, who I have named Color Voices, speak to me. I'd always thought that tarot worked by simply pouring your energy in and allowing it to draw you to the cards that you subconsciously know are the right ones (because I believe in a universal consciousness); it had never really occurred to me that simple printed images could radiate their own energy in a way that made them feel like people. (or maybe it never occurred to me that I could feel them that way -- certainly others had expressed that, though not in so many words) But these cards? I can feel their presence like a person in the room! And the artwork on them could hardly be more 'me' if someone had created it with me in mind. They are so, SO beautiful. I feel like meeting them is a really important turning point for me.

I did a reading (my very first ever) for Aurilion that night (which was spot on) and a few days later did a reading for my partner, which was startlingly accurate. Then I tried doing readings for myself and they were meaningless, which I found really discouraging. But I got the impression that I simply need to practice 'attuning' myself to the cards (and I think it is harder to read for oneself).

So I wanted to ask a favor from my flist. ;-) Would you be willing for me to do a short reading for you and then post it here (public) with a photo of the cards? If you want, I can do it anonymously, and I'll screen comments to make that possible. Just PLEASE, do not expect me to be accurate or even meaningful to you -- I might be, but I don't have any practice or knowledge about this, so I could just as easily produce a confused mess. I'll do the first 8 comments from my flist, and then I'll edit this post to let you know that requests are closed. (if you're one of my newer friends I may not be able to do one for you because I need to have a sort of intuitive understanding of you since I can't pick up your energy directly, like in person) You can ask whatever question is on your mind or just ask for a general reading.

I'm hoping to get this finished before 1am Friday so it can be my art-sharing post for the week ;-) (One of my goals this year is to become more comfortable with deadlines and time-structure, eek)

ETA: yay, finished with mermaiden and c_a_turbulence's readings! six more to go!

"Phoenix" by Richard Powers:



After 2007, a year I called "waiting in dim light," 2008 was a year of incredible exploration and growth! Like the phoenix dying, I suffered through the beginning of the year, and like the phoenix reborn, in a short time my life just EXPLODED into a firework display of astoundingly intense experiences. Looking over this year in order to write it up, I realized that just the bare summaries of everything make for a intense read. In fact, I can hardly believe that all this happened in the same year.

I intended to make this year the year of risk-taking, the year in which I sought to build my physical fearlessness. Instead, it was the year of faith-building, and I built my spiritual fearlessness, which I hadn't even realized was something I could grow in. Through my relationship/connection with Aurilion, my oh-so-brief triads with Aurilion & Hannah and then Hannah & Nick (both of which lasted a day), reading The Secret Life of Plants, A Door Into Ocean, Talks With Trees, and several Michael Roads books, experiencing connection with myself, with trees, and with people in a way far deeper than ever before, learning to believe in myself... there is far too much to sum up, even. It's like the entire universe conspired to bring my spirituality from tentative theory into wild bold practice! and whyyyyy might that be? read this -- "Thank you God/dess for so many wonderful gifts this year! It has been the best of my life so far! So much growth and love and newness ♥ I know you more in all your forms. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and sending me myriad encouraging messages. Thank you for telling me some of your Names. Thank you for enlightening me and guiding me, and most of all for showing me so much love!" all of that happened. I got chills when I re-read it, writing this. And I wrote it originally in an almost-silly frame of mind, trying to come up with the most effusive stuff -- but writing it opened up the door for all that to flood into my life. and. it. did. I rather blushingly included finding a girlfriend/having new lovers, without having even the slightest possibilities in mind, and -- it happened! Yet another astoundingly faith-building happening, on top of all the others. And yet I feel like I've just begun believing. I don't yet know what my goal for 2009 will be but I know I'll be writing another gratitude-in-advance letter!

in 2007's summary I said "I want to come out of [2008] feeling like I have a handful of jewels, not just three or four." haha! Now I laugh at how puny a handful is compared to the arms-full-and-running-over that it turned out to be.

( important events in 2008, tenses go a bit haywire, sorry )

My bioparent Pat (not the name ze goes by but I don't want to have biofamily's names in here and the initials are for people who are not active parts of my life) has FINALLY separated from M and has moved into the house they have in my city. We've spent some time together, sometimes working on the house (which ze is pretty much overhauling -- new flooring, paint, plumbing, driveway, porch, stairs, etc.) and sometimes just hanging out, and a few times we've gone to church.

Week before last we visited a ( Unitarian Universalist church )

This Sunday we went to Unity, which was really amazing because the talk was on finding peace of mind even in difficult times, which is so exactly what Pat needed to hear! I really loved the service -- as usual there was a very sweet spirit to it, especially during meditation time, and the music was a little more energetic than usual which I REALLY appreciate. I do love everything about it except the music and the fact that the vast majority of members are so much older than me. I think I'm gonna have to mix'n'match -- maybe go to Unity in the morning and Liberty in the evening (I miss Liberty worship!). Anyway, Pat liked it too except for the music. I'm finding it fun going to various churches with zir! I have a few more in mind, but we'll have to skip next weekend because I'M GONNA BE IN NC WITH MY BELOVED AURILION YAAAAAAAY!!! :D (I leave on Thursday *bounce bounce*)

So then we parted ways for a bit as ze had to do some house-renovation meetings, and then that evening we met for dinner at Olive Garden (not my thing as I can't stand overpriced food, but it's zir favorite) as a belated birthday present (zir sister promised to take zir out but then made zir pay for zir own meal? wtf?). We had a fairly nice time -- there was some discussion of zir abusive spouse M, which is not very enjoyable but understandable. (ze's doing a really wonderful job of breaking free, bit by bit) Afterward we went over to Starbucks (which I don't really like anymore but all the good coffeeshops are on the other side of town) and talked over coffee and after insane jolts of adrenaline...

( I came out to my bioparent as bisexual & polyamorous )

And through all of this my stomach was in absolute KNOTS. I expected it to be easy, but alllll of Saturday I felt queasy and nervous (I wanted to do it on National Coming Out Day but I couldn't get in contact with zir in time) and then I felt soooooooo nervous Sunday, especially all through dinner and then I nearly died of nerves when we went to coffee. I have no idea why it was such a big deal!

The reason I haven't come out before is because my biofamily hasn't been part of my life (except my lil sis, who I did come out to). It's really weird to me having my bioparent back in my life after... 6 years of very little contact. I haven't felt negatively toward Pat for a very long time, but when ze was with M, talking to zir would make me shake with rage and depress me because ze would tell me how M abused zir. Now it's still hard to talk to zir but I can feel the chains slowly loosening and that makes all the difference in the world. I'm really excited to see how ze becomes zir trueself. 10 years ago a person prophesied that we would become like best friends and I thought that was ridiculous, but now I could actually see that happening.

( what sparked this realization )

I don't have community like I used to. Being gendered, monogamous, straight, religious (believing in one religion's set tenets/creed), and non-feminist is a HUGE community with all its own jokes and habits and comfort. Going out and expecting all of these things in common with everyone you meet -- that's a huge part of life that you don't even realize until you no longer have it. I had no idea how lucky I was to only have to consider personality/hobbies/politics/jobs/religion-type as potential differences... I feel alienated from most people because I know that genderfree-poly-queer-spiritual-radicalfeminists are pretty damn rare. It's really lonely to realize that the very basic parts of you are different from most everyone else. And people seem to think of these things as incidental, or little quirks -- but they are not minor differences, they are a completely different worldview. I'm faced with my difference, my separation, every time I read a book or go online or see a movie or go to the store or even think about my friends. It's like... seeing the world in completely different colors than the vast majority of people, in a world where color is how people relate. How can I be understood when I try to describe what to me is blue and to someone else is yellow? Most people cannot hold two conflicting views at once, and since their views conflict with mine they cannot see mine. Even those who CAN hold two conflicting views at once can only watch me dance, they cannot dance with me.

I thank God/dess that some of you can share some of my dances! I am very grateful for that, and for the fact that even when you cannot dance with me you smile and clap along, so that I do not feel alone. And I like seeing you dance, even if it makes me ache a little when others can join in and I can't. I love that seeing our differences keeps my thoughts fresh and brings up questions continually, but it is lonely. Every time I dance alone, unseen, I feel a little sad... I can't even imagine how incredible it would be to have some of you live near me, because I think with time in each other's presence some of us would be able to weave our separate dances together.

It is HARD to keep my beliefs, which make me so uncomfortable with a world in which I do not fit -- but at the same time, I cannot abandon them because I no longer have the ability to numb myself. I can't be monogamous, straight, gendered, religious, or non-feminist, because that would require a betrayal of self which I could not endure. Part of me really misses the time when my differences were so small that they did not separate me from the majority -- being bisexual, but in a monogamous hetero marriage; being angry about gender stereotypes, but still conforming to and believing in gender; seeking truth for myself and believing that God/dess was pro-queer, but not questioning the other basic dogmas or seeking truth outside one belief system; and wanting equality, but not really understanding what that is or speaking up for it. I wouldn't go back even if I could, but I miss feeling comfortable in the world -- never perfectly comfortable, but not vastly different either. Never fully understood, but mostly.

another post on this topic is in the making... explaining more of how being genderfree-poly-queer-spiritual-radicalfeminist is rare, why it is so important to me, and what I mean by each word.

( the last four weeks have been enervating )

It's kinda insane that so little time has passed and we have made such progress on this... I don't even feel hurt anymore. I guess if you instantly clean, sew up, and bandage the wound it heals a lot faster than if you just leave it (or pour dirt in it, which is the way my parents handle/d wounding each other). It's still tender to the touch, but not aching... And forgiveness makes a really good healing balm.

For whomever might be wondering where the second part of that post is, it's still in the making. After I wrote that post, went to sleep and woke up, my partner and I had this major discussion that made me extremely upset because I felt like ze was turning against me (which led to a major realization which I hope to post about soon), and after a lot of talking (and crying, on my part), ze got too tired to talk more and went to bed. I tried to go to bed but couldn't sleep despite being mentally/emotionally exhausted, and then the next day couldn't get up because I had had only a little, bad sleep. AND THEN we went to my favorite Mexican restaurant and I was so depressed I lost my appetite for MEXICAN FOOD. This has never happened to me -- I didn't even know it COULD happen. I brought home the whole damn meal. We then talked and talked about The Issue, and ze mentioned that ze had talked to someone earlier the day of the argument, and that person had said things that my partner didn't have a response for, so ze asked me. That made a huge difference because then it wasn't my partner just randomly getting a personality transplant (which is what it felt like), it was someone else's concerns (about me) which my partner was looking to me for answers to. It hurt so much because I felt like I was really getting to know zir, and then this out-of-character thing happened and I thought I had been wrong all before. Now I feel happy about our relationship again, which is a huge relief from the agony I'd been in since evening Sunday.

Bleh. Sorry this isn't more in-depth or readable, I just feel like getting this down because I have a bad habit of skipping over these things and this time I want to remember. I want to write more about the relationship between my partner and I because it is (obviously) a big part of my life.

Until this year, my partner was the only lover I had ever had, and so a lot of my thoughts on sex came from the sex I've had with zir. I'd forgotten what it was like at the beginning, tentative and strange -- such a novel thing, so unlike anything else in life (or maybe a heaven-flavored swirl of everything that exists?).

Becoming lovers with Aurilion has taught me (or perhaps reminded me) that sex is its own intricate language -- a language created between two people as they learn the rhythms, desires, responses of each other. It's watching the shivers caused by my touch, listening to the pace of my lover's breath, feeling zir heat rise -- a constant dance of asking and answering, "this?" "yes" "this?" "no" "this?" "oh yes." With my partner I am fluent; with Aurilion I am just learning to speak. This formation of sensual language is such a thrilling adventure... I only wish I had more time to weave it.

The miles between us are a constant pull on my heart.

( conversation with Sam on bias in science, etc. )

This led to a discussion of sexism/equalism/anti-exclusionism -- what an explosive topic. We must have discussed it for at least an hour. I believe that the only way to truly respect people is to treat everyone the same (until you get to know them, then obviously tailor your behavior to who they are). Sam feels that it is not necessary to treat everyone the same in order to respect them; ze feels that it is okay to have different default treatments for different people, such as opening the door only for women. I feel that it is best to examine one's motives. If I open the door only for one sex, why am I doing this? is it because I am blindly following a path laid out for me by my culture? is it perhaps a habit which enforces beliefs that society holds about the relationships between the sexes? is it because I have carefully thought it over and found a good reason to give this respect only to one sex? I think the latter is theoretically possible but I cannot think of a good reason to behave more (or less) kindly to a person because of their body shape. Especially considering that I may be mistaken as to what their body shape is -- not everyone fits neatly into one category or another.

Then we branched off into exclusionism as it relates to race. Sam believes it is only wrong to assume negatives about a person -- to assume positives is okay. I think that assumptions about a person based on outward appearance lead to setting up boundaries between people. For instance, if I assume that all people who are elderly are enlightened because they have seen so much, this is a flattering assumption but it creates a boundary. To assume is to create a generic picture of someone; when you see that generic picture, you have a much harder time seeing them as they truly are than you would if you left the canvas blank and allowed them to paint from scratch rather than editing what you have made. I believe that in order to respect a person one has to see them as they truly are. Love needs respect which needs understanding -- assumptions hinder understanding.

At the very end I made sure to explain that I spoke forcefully because I believed in what I had to say, not out of trying to force agreement. Sam admitted that ze was trying to change MY mind which I found hilarious. :D (my partner told zir that I do change my mind, but only when given new ideas/information/interpretations. Ze described how I react to that, and imitated my facial expressions, heh.) And I realized that I used to try to change people's minds when arguing opinion, and now that is hardly ever my goal (I would say never but I don't check my arguing-motives often enough to say). Instead, I want to explain my point of view in such a way that the other person can understand why I believe the way I do, and then they can agree or disagree. I think that a person never gains truth by having it forced on them, so all I do is share my truth and invite a person to explore for themselves. I don't see truth as some objective thing that can be found -- I think that in order to have the whole truth one would have to fully understand every person and every creature and every thing at once (I believe that after we die we will know fully, even as we are fully known). All we can do is find a facet of the truth that resonates with us, and then share it to inspire others to find their own.

It was SUCH a fun conversation! I love speaking to someone who respectfully disagrees because it gives me the opportunity to hone my own views to a shining point. Few things annoy me more than feeling that the other person isn't listening when arguing with me, but I felt that Sam listened and responded in a curious way, attempting to understand, and never summarily dismissed anything I said. (unlike M, who I argued with the other day, heh -- when I made a really good point ze dropped the topic and said "well we just disagree." PAH. fuck that shit.) I think eventually and slowly Sam and I might become good friends.

There is a park near my flat which my partner and I have been going to lately, just for the sake of being in (semi-) nature. I'd always thought of it as dull and not-really-a-park because all I'd seen was a tidy little open area with picnic tables and swings. I knew there was a trail along the river, but it was eternally muddy and stinky (thanks to nearby sewers) so I never walked it despite my partner saying it was worth it.

But it does have a peaceful air for all that, so we decided to visit it on my partner's one off day the week of Aurilion's visit. The city had freshly paved the path I'd never walked, so we decided to brave the smell and see where it led, and I am SO GLAD we did. After a little ways the smell faded and oh, the woods around were beautiful! I was delighted, especially when the path ended and we walked a little ways along the riverbank, into truly wild wood.

My partner pointed things out to us (ze is amazingly observant when in natural places) -- giant spiders, a waterfall (the path was a little ways from the river), and an American Sycamore which ze said was zir favorite tree to climb. When we got to the end of the path, my partner decided to explore further and leapt up the hill with the grace of a puma -- amazingly fast! Ze told us to head back and ze would meet us, so we walked slowly back, swinging linked hands, pausing for melted kisses and photos. A good while later ze finally emerged from the woods and told us of the animal paths ze had followed, mostly in a crawl. (!!!) I loooove zir wildness, and zir openness around Aurilion, and I love love LOVE being in woods with these green-hearted people ♥ The three of us share a tree-kinship and something quietly grows and blossoms in us when we are in the woods together.

The only thing that marred the experience was ( the copious amount of litter )



( photos in the car on the way, and at the park! )

Aurilion wrote of this day in zir lilting prose-poetry ♥

Last night I had this strange and epic dream about faeries, complete with intricate mythology! The two fae (who bore strong resemblance to my plant-fae-sims Kalana and Shayara) and I went about a rescue of a third fae who was enslaved. Ze was trapped even though they have the ability to teleport, because plastic decreases their abilities and there was plastic in the walls/roof of the building. But I had been to the fae-world and so I had some of their powers, and together we were able to break the third one free. Then we had to find a place to sleep to restore our strength before finding a natural lake in which we could create a portal to their world. The portal was created by whirling the water and flying down into the bowl created by the whirlpool, then letting the whirlpool collapse as magic words were said. (how cool is that?)

( In other scenes of the same dream )

( and a really gross dream )

Just diving in...

One of the most momentous parts of the visit was getting to know Nick. When ze visited last year, I didn't really get to know zir that well because Hannah and I were both in such a bad place, and ze was less open (I think) and I was less spiritually aware. Even then we got along really well, but this time I saw zir in a much clearer way. I realized that ze is a violet spirit, like Hannah and I, and I connected with zir so deeply! This is only the second time I have met another (open) violet spirit in person, and it is so different from when I met Hannah -- I knew Hannah really well before spending time in person, and I knew Nick very little. My connection with Hannah 'could' be explained away by our openness and honesty and the many many hours we've spent in conversation, but the connection with Nick was just there -- experiencing that really gave me a lot of faith.

After a few days of settling in, Hannah and Nick and I had this unity and understanding that was fucking incredible. It amazed me just to experience the near-telepathy with Hannah, but to experience it in a triangle, in person, added a whole new dimension. If one person was upset for any reason, both others would sense it and ask about it -- so validating! so loving! We talked constantly about both the deeply meaningful and the decidedly meaningless. (we have very similar humor: gutter-potty, I'd call it :D) I became open in a whole new way, experiencing the culture of their bond. They have a habit of asking "how are you feeling?" constantly -- I'm so unused to being asked that question that I had a hard time knowing what to say at first, but after a few days it became easy and I realized so much more about myself. I became so much more aware of my own feelings, and aware of the fact that I am used to ignoring them unless they are intense. I had no idea I repressed so much, though it makes sense when I consider the fact that my only nearby friend is my partner and (until recently) ze never asked anything about me. (Fortunately that has changed now ♥)

After about a week, Hannah told me that ze was finding it hard to balance zir time/energy/love between the two of us and said that ze thought it would be easier if Nick and I were also together romantically. Ze said the last part in a sort of playful way so I didn't take zir seriously then, just discussed ways of helping the balance. But my heart leapt at the idea, and a few days later a strange series of events (to be discussed in another post) led me to confessing that I wanted to be with both of them. They discussed it and decided that they wanted that also, so I talked with my partner (after a day of trying to reach zir) and ze said ze was fine with it. Then we had to wait another day because Hannah is not yet out as poly to zir mom, and at last we had a day just the three of us.

( I have never experienced anything so beautiful in my life )

I'm falling apart / I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart / that's still beating
in the pain / there is healing
in your name / I find meaning
so I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm back! and no this is not a photo post of the trip, it's entirely me. Because I got violet put in my hair a few days before leaving and it looked amazing, and throughout the trip it turned increasingly... blonde. (*eek* blonde ≠ true-bel-look) So you have to see it as it was meant to be first ;-)

( violet haired Bel )

Obviously this visit is going to take many posts, but I'll give you the smallest smattering of thoughts to open it up:

--felt joy far beyond anything I have ever experienced
--felt pain far beyond anything I have ever experienced
--met a ghost (which shocked me as I didn't believe in them!)
--met a demonic presence / negative spirit
--discovered a totem of mine
--experienced miracles
--got rained on quite a bit
--missed many buses and a train, took a $220 taxi ride
--drank more alcohol in 3 weeks than the sum of what I'd drunk in my entire life.
--took many gigs of photos, including black & white nudes
--found two dead birds (separately)
--visited two countries and 6 airports
--met two LJ friends, one of whom I'd known for 3.5 years!
--met several amazing trees
--had thousands of kisses and hundreds of cuddles

overall, the most growth-inducing, wonderful, dreadful, fantastic, wounding, healing, magical time of my life. I feel I have completely metamorphosed at least twice on this trip, and I am so far beyond my month-younger self. And my partner my partner has metamorphosed while I was gone, also... my life is so completely different. I lost so much fear and discovered SO MUCH! I learned such an incredible amount. My hands are full, overflowing, and dripping with jewels... I'm surrounded by the most incredible beauty.

I missed you loveys! I tried to keep up somewhat with reading but I have missed a lot. Tell me whatcha been up to!

On the 8th my partner was off work, so we planned to go to the Etowah Mounds. My partner was a little iffy about it because it was due to pour down rain in the evening, but eventually I convinced zir that it wouldn't rain while we were there (because I know these things, and because weather.com said so), so off we went! It was glorious weather, hot but not blinding, overcast and cooled by liquid-wind. My wonderful partner drove while Aurilion and I sat in the back, and we listened to E.S. Posthumus, which is intensely meaningful music to all of us. Aurilion giggled silently for the longest time (ze could explain it far better, but as far as I understand, it is zir way of releasing/relaxing, almost like a more joyful sort of meditation).



( photos in Subway and on the way to the Mounds )

When we arrived, Aurilion and I went to the bathroom and my partner went into the visitor center, so we came in later than ze did. Right after I stepped inside, my partner asked the worker when the trees were cut down, and I thought ze meant that there used to be many more trees on the mound, so I said "there used to be more trees?" Then the worker started talking about the drought, and how one of the trees had fallen over, so they had been cut to preserve the mound. My heart stopped and I thought "Oh, God/dess, no, no..." Ze went on to explain how ze regretted it because some of the trees were hundreds of years old, and I didn't hear any more, just started walking toward the mounds, not even able to breathe, and then I saw the naked mound through the window and my eyes flooded... Oh God/dess. I could not speak, I just started walking as fast as I could toward the mound where the Elder tree had been, and I started crying, sobbing my eyes out, completely blinded by tears. I wasn't thinking anything except that I had to get there, I had to get there! I wept the whole way to the mound and up the billion shallow stairs, and when I got to the top I felt so disoriented, because the trees weren't there. I felt like I was offstep with the world. My partner came up to me and I sobbed out "where is it?" and ze took my hand, lead me to the stump and helped me down the mound so that I could touch it, sit with it. (Ze helped Aurilion down too and I could feel zir presence but I did not consciously realize it until afterward)

( this part is deeply sacred to me so, unless you can give it the utmost respect and suspend disbelief, please skip to the second bar and do not read )

After a little while, my partner saw someone walking out of the visitor center and urged Aurilion and me back up (since we weren't supposed to be climbing on the slopes). Then I hugged on Aurilion and we went and sat in the center of the mound for a time. Both my partner and Aurilion treated me with such care, not trying to make me stop crying or squelch any emotion, just being with me in the middle of it. I was so grateful for that ♥



( photos of the naked mound, the stump, and one from last year )

Then we made our way down the shallow steps and over to grove next to the river, and took many beautiful photos!



( river, trees, me, my partner, Aurilion! )

Switching to gender-neutral pronouns has been difficult, but has been really incredible. Unfortunately it has had the side effect of making me even more aware of when people speak in gendered ways -- "oh yeah, he's a guy, got a one-track mind" "dressing girly" etc. (note: the pronouns don't bother me from other people's mouths, except in reference to me -- just the gender assumptions) Even though usually it is done in affectionate ways, it bothers the hell out of me. I feel like saying "no! that is a HUMAN quality" every time but I don't. I think it is my silence that bothers me. It's just such a complicated subject and people get SO UPSET about it. I don't mind challenging/irritating people but I do mind being misunderstood, and I feel like it is so easily misunderstood. So if I don't feel like devoting a large chunk of time and energy to a weighty discussion, I just keep quiet.

( but my wonderful partner decided to 'out' me as genderfree to zir sibling )

An interesting thing I have noticed is that when speaking of people I do not respect, I have a hard time referring to them by gender-neutral terms. For me, calling a person 'ze' or 'zir' is a recognition of the spirit within, the purest self with no societal affectations. So I have to wrestle myself when it comes to those who have buried their trueselves under piles of societal affectations (my bioparent 'M' for instance!). And people I respect and admire more than usual are the easiest for me to refer to in gender-neutral terms (though I still slip up a lot) -- when it comes to my partner it actually feels more accurate to refer to zir as 'ze', even though ze is not much of a gender-transgressor, outwardly. (incidentally, ze has agreed to help me by reminding me when I slip up if ze catches it! that makes me so happy!)

On first undertaking this, I was planning to abide by others' wishes if they specifically asked to be referred to a certain way. I've since changed my mind on that -- I am not going to use gender-specific pronouns for any reason. I see how it could be disrespectful to refer to someone in a way they do not like, so if a person doesn't like to be referred to as ze/zir, I will try to avoid that. Referring to someone only by name seems to ME as if it would be most respectful and acknowledging of their individuality and identity (though hella more difficult!). So far I've been lucky in that respect. Only one of my friends has requested gender-specific pronouns, and I've agreed not to use pronouns at all with that person (instead referring only by name, and by doing this sort of round-about in this sentence, heh). With strangers, I've also been using names and round-about to avoid confusion if I didn't want to get into the explanation (I'm hoping to get more comfortable with that once I stop slipping up all the time).

A lot of people seem to feel that to change my language is to force my belief upon others; I vehemently disagree. I consider it freedom of speech for me to express myself however I feel is best. The only way I could force my belief on others would be for me to insist that they use my language when speaking with me* -- which is why I ask people to refer to me in a gender-neutral way, but I'm fine if they don't. People are still free to identify however they want, and use whatever language they want; but the words in my mouth and mind are MINE and changing them does not force anything upon anyone. I am expressing myself in such a way because that is how I see -- and if I were to use gender-specific pronouns, I feel that would be hypocritical of me. I would be thinking/believing one thing and saying another -- I would be lying. (I recognise that this is not true for all people but it is true for me) I would feel that I was pretending to agree that the other person is a gender, when I don't believe gender exists. To me, it would be more disrespectful for me to outwardly agree when inwardly I do not, than it would be for me to disagree in language as well as mindset.

( in my head and in my heart, I do not believe in gender, and if my language does not reflect that, it lies )

*there is one aspect of language that I do force my belief on others -- I will break off relationships over casual or 'humorous' use of the word 'rape' (after discussing it with zir, if ze is important to me). Though I still don't see that as 'forcing' -- I see it as a boundary that is necessary for me.

These are the characters in the story of my life:

my partner aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
lil sis -- younger sister, soul-kin.
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nea aka acid_burns -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- friend, spirit-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- friend, spirit-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- friend, spirit-kin.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- friend.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
my partner's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

Time for massive revelations -- it has been such a crazy few weeks. Where the heaven to begin?

( a little backstory )

In February, Aurilion (aurilion) commented on my journal and I responded saying that I would be willing to begin a friendship again anytime. Ze re-friended me and we started emailing back and forth, and a month later ze proposed a romantic relationship. I was absolutely shocked and thrilled at the idea, and spent a few days talking to my partner and Hannah before deciding to take this risk and begin an amazing new journey.

About a week after Aurilion proposed this, Hannah (shioneh) let me know that ze had realized ze was polyamorous, and was also interested in a romantic relationship with me! I was laughing at the amazing amount of newness in my life, but I felt ready for it, so I agreed to explore that with zir also. A few days after THAT, Aurilion told Hannah that ze was interested in ZIR. Hannah wasn't sure if ze was ready for that, having just realized zir identity as polyamorous and not having had a lot of time to process, but for a few days while ze and zir partner Nick discussed it, Aurilion and Hannah and I experienced a triad of sorts. The energy was beyond amazing, and we all felt the incredible rightness of it, but Hannah realized that it wasn't the right time for zir, that an additional relationship would move zir beyond what ze could handle. Aurilion understood, and so at this point they are both with me but not with each other, and we all have a deep friendship together. I do feel that we will have a romantic triad at some point in the future but I don't know when.

A little after this, Ashley (Aurilion's ex, my former friend) contacted Aurilion again, ( ... )

Also, somewhere in there I start talking to Ava pretty much every day, which is just as earth-shattering a development as the other things (in a different way) because ze is my spirit-kin. I feel that I have a vivid violet spirit and I feel that ze has a violet spirit also, a little deeper in tone. I feel an intensely strong tie to zir; ze is one of my eternal connections.

And what does my partner think of all this? Ze is pretty relaxed about it, overall. At first ze was rather uncertain, because ze doesn't know Aurilion, but after the initial discussions ze became more comfortable with it. Since then, we've experienced SUCH rapid and beautiful growth in our relationship, because I am filled with all this extra love energy and naturally I share it with zir. The other night we had this... incredible breakthrough in something that had been a hidden issue for years. It was one of those seemingly small things that festers when one tries to ignore it -- and wow, the difference now! (dunno if ze would be comfortable with me sharing it so I won't) Ze gave me cuddles today, of zir own idea (which is very unusual!). :D

( so much incredible change... as I affirmed! )

I have felt unable to post about this until now because ( ... )

And how I feel about all this... wow. Awed, and grateful beyond measure... filled with renewed faith and joy and love and hope! I have all these beautiful new realizations, and I have been learning SO MUCH. I feel sooo alive! so -- blessed, and cherished, and love. And I'm so, so in love with my amazing girlfriends *thrills* (I have girlfriends!) Aurilion is helping me to awaken all the dormant parts of my heart, and Hannah is helping me to shine out again... really, both of them build my faith with every word we share. And I'm seeing these amazing changes in them also... such strength and beauty and glowing growth. It's almost overwhelming -- it's ocean waves of joy and magic, not enough to drag me under but just enough to toss me around playfully. It's watching a sapling put forth bright spring leaves, so delicate yet so fast! It's the unfolding of sweetest mimosa blossoms, a flurry of tendrils dancing in every chance wind. Oh God/dess! I'm so happy. I'll go more into the experience of our connections in later posts. ♥

And Aurilion is coming to visit me in 21 days! And I go to see Hannah in 43 days! (when I started writing this the numbers were 22 and 44 ♥)

palm to palm, open
just touching, not holding; we
trust this connection

Day before yesterday I was up for 29 hours, then I went to sleep for about 19 hours. My schedule is so insane because I have SO MUCH going on, emotionally. I haven't been able to catch up mentally, which is why I haven't been able to write about it in any real way. Now thanks to many many dreams last night, I feel emotionally caught up but there is a new development that makes me uncertain all over again, and I am waiting to see what happens before I pour it all out. Sorry for the crypticness, I think you'll understand when I finally make that megapost.

I've been communicating so much lately (phone, IM, email) -- more in the past two weeks than in the rest of this year combined. It feels really good, like a dam broke and all of this connection is flowing into and through me. So many possibilities, so much hope, so much newness.

I also seem to be changing shape; I think from a combination of using the HealthRider and just using so much emotional energy that my body is burning more fuel. The best thing is that I'm starting to feel muscles in my midsection, legs, and arms (on the inside, not the outside). I feel so much stronger, so fast! It feels good.

You know the amazing artist I posted about a while back, Willow Jenkinson? She is framing and sending me Devotion to the Matron as a gift! I loved it so much I wanted to buy it, but she offered it as a gift and I wasn't about to say no. The COLORS! The FACES! It's absolutely my favorite of her pieces so far. AND I GET TO OWN IT. THE ORIGINAL. It's going in my sanctuary ♥

I might be meeting Ava in two weeks. I'm trying not to get excited until the tickets are bought but -- I'm excited anyway, can't help it!

Also, I've been meaning to post about this for a long time -- I met Kimberley (darkpool), Jason (thesaj), and Aranatha (babythyme) at the end of February! Kimberley is one of my oldest LJ friends -- I 'met' her in April, 2004. About a year later I LJ-met Jason, and a year after that they got married, and about a year after that, Aranatha was born. (okay, enough timelining) They came into Atlanta for a conference and gave me the opportunity to finally meet them!

I was surprised on meeting Kimberley because her writing style can come across as formal and reserved, but in person she's SO bubbly! I know that if we lived close we'd spend a lot of time together. And I'd spend a lot of time babysitting too, because Aranatha is absolutely the most adorable child EVER. She was so HAPPY, smiling and cooing all the time! I could not stop grinning because she just radiated the most pure joy I've ever seen! I wanted to go move in with Kimberley and Jason and be their nanny, haha. And Jason was so outspoken and free -- I found it very interesting to listen to him rant about this and that, and rant along with him *giggles* My poor partner was a little overwhelmed by 1) new people 2) new places, and 3) loud conversation!

( the adventure of meeting them, and photos! )

I've had such a full week! Sunday I went to church (*pats self on back for being awake at appropriate time*) and though the service didn't really give me anything, I went for energy healing afterwards and WOW, that was amazing. There were several healers, all of whom had different styles. One person did deep breathing with me, which was intense and so relaxing. She also cleansed my aura, which was the most surreal feeling -- she made plucking motions in the air around me and I could FEEL those things being removed, almost like the feeling when someone pulls a splinter out. More of a noticing of the space it leaves behind than actually feeling the thing itself. I was really curious as to whether she was actually seeing my aura and the bits that didn't belong, or just sensing, but I didn't think to ask afterwards because I was so overwhelmed. After she finished and passed on to another person, my right shoulder suddenly started hurting. The next healer came along and without me saying anything, touched the very spot that was hurting and held it for a minute, and then it stopped hurting. He had a different method, using two fingers of each hand to lightly touch random places on my body, like the inside of my elbows, my neck, my ankles. It felt very honoring, and his energy reminded me so much of Spencer. One more person worked on me, mostly by holding her hands in certain places about three inches out from my body. She passed one hand in front of my face and I thought it was a candle, it gave off so much heat! I opened my eyes, a little concerned at why they'd be putting flame so close to me, but it was her hand! I was really awed by that. After she did the radiating-energy-into-me thing, she stood behind me and swept her fingers over my forehead, around my ears, and under my chin, with a little flicking motion at the end. I cannot describe how amazingly relieving that felt! it was like a complete massage, each time.

Then Tuesday was my 'birthday' ( all the stuff I did! )

Thursday I got up early, which is miraculous in itself, and because of that I was able to get in contact with fionavere and meet her on her way through Atlanta! I drove into the city alone, which is a very big deal for me, and I didn't even get very nervous. I'm really happy about that, as it fulfilled several of my goals in one swoop -- getting more comfortable driving new places alone, making ATL more my city, and most importantly meeting an lj friend! Anyway, we had lunch/coffee together while her two little ones amused themselves (I was impressed at how well-behaved they were! and they got along so well) and the time just flew by as we talked about everything from spirituality to politics to education. The one thing I was not prepared for was how freaking gorgeous she is in person! She's a fellow curvygirls member so I've seen plenty of photos, but in person her self just shines through so much more -- she's beautiful in photos but utterly stunning in person. At the end of the lunch she invited me to come visit her in FL, which I definitely intend to do. Not sure when, but maybe as soon as April! There's just so many people I want to go visit and I don't have the funds for everyone, dammit.


me and Katie!

Hello beautiful beautiful people! *hugs whole flist*

I feel like I hit rock bottom and pushed off, and now I'm finally rising towards the surface. It feels really wonderful to be looking up instead of helplessly staring at my feet as I sink further and further. It wasn't anything I did; it was the love given to me by so many people, in so many ways. Megan especially -- she kept reaching out even though I was late and little in my responses. Thank you lovey ♥ You've been such a positive force in my life!

My Christmas was less than sparkly overall ( ... ) One very sparkly point was the dream I had while sleeping my cramps away. It was my Christmas present from God/dess; the vivid, spiritually-real kind. ♥ It gave me so much hope and joy -- I'll post it after this. Now if I could only interpret it!

Two days after Christmas I had a fantastic day. I dropped my partner at work so I could have the car, and went to meet a new friend (who found me on craigslist) at a coffeehouse. Amber is bouncy and outgoing -- I think we're going to get along famously. We talked for a good long while and it felt so comfortable! I've met several new people in the past few months, some of whom I got along really well with but none with whom I felt soo comfortable. I really like to be around people who have a higher energy than me -- I love all types, of course, but when I have no higher-energy people in my life I really miss it.

Later that day I wrestled my partner into going to see Enchanted with me in the theatre (he thinks only action movies should be seen on the big screen *pah*) and we LOVED it! My partner actually laughed out loud which he hardly ever does -- he usually laughs in this 'heh heh' kind of way, not 'ha ha ha!' I love his laugh ;-) The beginning is almost painfully ironic, mocking the syrupy-sweetness of the 'classic' disney films. There's also some subtler feminist irony which I REALLY loved, and one incredible curvy-positive moment that almost made me cry. See it!

Then as we were leaving my partner spotted his old friend Thiago, whom we haven't seen in AGES! It was so incredibly meant to be -- if we had left a little earlier or a little later we would have missed him. Thiago is this absolutely amazing guy; I can't put into words what it is about him, as I don't even know him that well, but I really love him. He's one of the most respectful people I have ever met -- he has a deep respect for every person as themselves, and that just radiates from him. You know he would respect a prostitute, a politician, a pastor, or a child equally (or at least, I feel so) -- and he's one of the very few guys I've met who gives me the impression that he respects women as much as men. When we walked up to him he was with several other people, and he put out his hand as my partner walked over to greet another guy (my partner didn't notice his hand out) -- I laughed and said "I'll shake your hand!" and put my hand in his, and he turned to me and gave me a hug. I was just beaming -- this guy feels like a spiritual brother to me. Just before we left Thiago hugged me again, and I must have just been glowing with happiness. He was so genuine! Genuine physical affection is absolutely the most wonderful thing to me -- those two hugs meant SO much. ♥ ♥ ♥

And this amazing day wasn't over (it lasted over 25 hours :D)! After my partner went to bed, I got on gtalk in the mood to chat for the first time in AGES (usually I just pop in long enough to check my email) and had the most AMAZING conversation with mourningdoveava! I friended him in August and we've had quite a few commentations, but never a real-time conversation before. We talked for over SEVEN HOURS overall, about so many things, and it felt like such a short time! We're so alike it's insane. No, really! I thought Hannah and I were alike, but I think Ava and I have even MORE in common! It blows my mind to the point where I have a hard time believing he's real. *pinches him*

I'm using my super-extremely-very-uper-duper awesome new icon right now despite it's irrelevance because I am totally in love with it. Yay self-adoration! :D I have more to say *overflows* but I will put it in other posts! I am so... fertile right now! yum, rain. :D

Until I was in high school (age 16 or 17), I didn't even know there was a such thing as romantic love for your own sex. I'm so not kidding! I was... I can't say 'sheltered' -- more like 'incarcerated.' We only had contact with kids in Christian school, homeschool, and church. We did not have TV (one thing I do agree with my parents on) and only watched movies that were purchased from a Christian film company (don't agree on). My parents had complete control over what we were exposed to.

And yet. I remember very clearly having strong crushes for both sexes, and some strong enough that I would call them love. I wouldn't have thought of them that way at the time because I had no context for it, but so it was.

( crushes: Stevie, Marcus, Brandy, nameless girl )

( love: Sylvia )

Love: I met Rachel at a homeschooling co-op when I was about 14, and I idolized her. She was everything I had always wanted to be -- beautiful, intelligent, a talented artist, an advanced ballet dancer, a very skilled musician, very friendly and confident and popular and spiritual. I would cry myself to sleep at night (many, many nights) because she was so important to me and I didn't mean anything to her (that I could tell, anyway). I desperately wanted to be the most important girl in her life (I loathed her best friend even though she was nice enough). I would have given anything for her. Then we went to camp with our youth group and she acted in a way that I thought was horrible, and I hated her for wrecking the falsely perfect image I had of her. (I wasn't very kind or forgiving as a child) I think a big part of the reason I hated her so much was because I had such strong feelings for her, and once I deemed her unworthy of love I had to send those feelings in another direction. Now looking back, I really regret having judged her. I had a dream about her two years ago that really changed my perspective, and I tried to get back in touch but couldn't. I hope she's doing okay, wherever she is.

Love: I met Josh at Camp on the Rock (a Christian youth camp) when I was about 15, I think. He told his testimony (the story of his life, for you who are not as acquainted with christianese) and I was so incredibly moved that just before the week ended, I took him aside and told him how much I was blown away, and cried in front of him (me, who was terrified of showing emotion in front of people, terrified of talking to strangers, and especially terrified of guys). He thanked me humbly and hugged me. I prayed for him every single night for the next full year. That is some serious dedication! I think I may have forgotten twice, but I made up for it by sometimes praying multiple times a day. The next year, we were in the same group again (I think the only people in the camp who were in the same group both years, and I'm certain it was because I prayed for it the whole ride there) but I was put off by the change in him. Instead of humble and vulnerable, he was cocky and swaggering. I probably would have hated him for it, but several times I sensed a wistfulness, and I knew that wasn't the way he wanted to act, but that he felt he had to put up that front for some reason. Also, at one point we put on a skit, and he was one of two guys who put on dresses, makeup, and high heels (I can't remember what the skit was, heh) and I was VERY impressed by that. It takes a certain kind of guy to do that! and it wasn't some flouncy sexless dress either -- it was a knee-length formfitting sheath dress! I thought he was incredibly sexy. He is the only 'bulky muscled' guy I have ever been attracted to.

I've always been prone to falling in love or dancing on the edge of it. I'm a little in love with three girls and two guys (not including my partner) at the moment but don't think I'll be posting about that. *blushes*

Love and affection are generally understood to be synonyms, differing only in degree. But I see them differently. Love, to me, is a spirit commitment without logic, something that cannot be explained or defined. You love someone just because you do, simple as that -- it cannot be controlled or directed because it has no method. On a subconscious level, I think that love is essentially a recognition of our interconnectedness -- something about that other person reminds you that you have a bond, that you are not alone. For whatever reason, some people remind you of that more than others do, so you feel this bond very strongly with some and not at all with others. It's like we're puzzle pieces -- some of us fit side-by-side, others fit one piece away, and others are far on the other side of the puzzle, but we're all part of the same whole, and love is the force that reminds us of that. People can treat us horribly, but if they are our side-by-side puzzle piece, we are still going to love them.

Affection is different -- it is completely controllable and directable. Affection is a positive feeling that someone else creates in you. If someone does something nice for/to you, that creates affection in you, and if they do something that gives you negative feelings, that destroys the affection they've created in you. You cannot create true affection for someone else within yourself, although you can pretend that it is there when it is not. And you cannot always create affection in someone else, because if they like, they can block it out. The only way affection can be created is if one person creates it in another, who allows them to do so.

A healthy deep relationship needs both love and affection. Love, which motivates us to create the relationship in the first place, and motivates us to work through the low-affection times. And affection, to fuel the relationship and nourish both people. A relationship can continue for a time with an imbalance of affection, but that imbalance itself is an affection-destroyer, so if left unchecked it will eventually bring the relationship to a halt.

In my relationship with my partner, we've always had love for each other, but affection has waxed and waned. For the first year of our marriage, I created a TON of affection in zir, and ze created some in me. The second year, I was going through intense counseling for the sexual abuse I went through as a child, and I had little to no energy to spend on him, so that year ze created affection in me and I did not create it in zir. But ze had so much left from the year before that it carried zir through (though it was draining on both of us). Then the third year I began creating affection in zir again, but ze stopped, for the most part. The affection ze had created in me slowly dwindled over that year until this January, I had completely run out, and I felt no affection for zir at all. That terrified me because I thought affection and love were the same thing, and I thought that it would be a permanent state -- but ze convinced me it wouldn't be permanent, and we began making changes. After a ton of work removing all kinds of problems that destroyed affection, we began to create affection in each other again and now I feel more affectionate toward zir than I ever have before. And I feel more confident in it because we have conquered so many affection-destroying habits. Nowadays, we're pretty good at creating affection and keeping it! Which allows us to realize love on deeper and deeper levels. ♥

I realize all of this might sound a little too... structured. I don't see love or affection as an equation, I assure you! It is still inexplicable magic to me at the same time. ;-)

(from this meme)

7. (from blood_4_deniro) I know you don't subscribe to society's rigid beauty standards they have on women. but I know that most people have certain characteristics they find attractive, most of us also have preferences for certain types of looks. so... I was wondering do you have your own set of beauty standards for men and/or women?

Well this is a complicated question, and I love it! I don't consider myself to have a standard, but some would say I do, because I find all different looks equally attractive, but certain ones catch my eye more. My belief on beauty is that it is found in variety, and each person is their own ideal. I'm attracted to EVERYTHING (with one exception -- bulky muscular white men. It's connected to a trigger, and I'll leave it at that). On men, I like sharp-featured, craggy-faced, bleached blonde, dark, redheaded... On women, I like wide or narrow hips, large or small breasts, round-bellied, flat-bellied... On either, pierced, tattooed, plain, long hair, short hair, curly or straight hair, shaved head, tall, short, slender, thick, pale, dark... any combination of anything is attractive to me. But I do prefer people who look especially unique. I like figures with contrasts (called 'disproportionate' by the unenlightened), like small busts and wide hips or vice versa. I like any unusual features. And there are certain features I am initially drawn to most. On a man, slim but muscular, tall, dark skin, long dark hair, facial hair but no mustache. (essentially, my partner) On a woman, shaved head or short dark hair, full breasts, wide hips, rounded belly, thick thighs, and muscular calves (and not body-shaved!). But the thing is, those aren't my ideal because if you showed me a woman that fit that description exactly, I would still find others to be just as attractive. There's this artist on dA with very narrow hips, a slim belly, slender legs, small breasts, and shaved parts, and I think she's just as gorgeous. She just wouldn't catch my attention as fast if I walked by both women in a store. The features that catch my eye the quickest are: on a woman: wide sensual hips, on a man: slender gracefulness, in faces: green or blue hazel eyes, very thick or arching eyebrows, full lips, and dark hair. The only things I find unattractive are fake tans, heavy boring makeup ('goth' or 'actress' type), non-expressive or body-hiding clothing, a way of moving/facial expression that betrays a lack of interest in life, or muscles that obviously take more than 3 hours a week to maintain (especially ab muscles -- don't like washboards on either sex).

Also, I think that the internal self shines through, and I think that that is the thing that attracts me most. Sometimes a person will catch my eye, and I'll watch them for a second and lose interest because I either can't get a feel for their inner self, or I don't like the feel I get. Other times a person will catch my eye and I will be absolutely enamored to the point of wanting to follow them around, and they don't have any of the features that usually draw me. And once in a good while someone will catch my eye with a feature and keep it with their inner self, like my partner. ;-)

*note: my aesthetic attraction has nothing to do with my sexual/romantic attraction. possible post on that at a later date...

and now I turn the question on my flist: do you have your own set of beauty standards for men/women? if so, what are they?

I've just looked over my journal and my last really personal verbal post was over a month ago. I like posting rants and photos and etc. but I don't feel like I am really journaling unless I have some personal words in there. I'm sick of being blocked! So here goes, this'll probably be all over the place.

Hannah and I are in a limbo-place in our relationship right now. Over the visit we did a lot of talking and realized that our relationship had gone rusty from lack of communication, and it was no longer a soulfriendship, though it was still a deep friendship. We discussed whether or not to try to build back up to a soulfriendship, but didn't come to any real conclusion. Since then we've exchanged some emails, but they've been sparse and inconclusive. Right now I don't know what is going to happen at all -- it could be that we reconnect and build something even more beautiful than before, and it could be that the relationship is over, or that we go to a casual friendship. Neither of us is angry (I don't think) but there is a lot of hurt... I want to discuss my feelings more in depth but I want to hear back from her first. I feel like I'm in a vacuum emotionally on this, because I don't have happiness with her, but I can't mourn either because it may not be over. If it is... I don't even know what will happen inside me.

I think I may have lost touch with Meliae, which is really horrible. I hadn't posted much about her, just a mention here and there, but she was really important to me. She understood me in ways no one else ever has, taught me so much and opened my mind so much, so gently. I only met her this year, and we didn't have much time to get to know each other -- she had four huge research papers to write the first few months I knew her, and then she was moving, going on a cross-country trip, and preparing to go to school in Spain the next semester -- but the bits of time that we did have were just amazing. Then she visited the states, we talked once on the phone and discussed meeting up while she was here, and then I lost touch, almost 2 months ago. With all the moving and changing numbers/addresses, I have no idea how to get in contact with her. And I feel sad about that, but I'm kinda in an emotional vacuum on that too because there's no 'end.'

And SabR and Kazi... I'm afraid to contact them, afraid to NOT contact them, so I end up trying to avoid thinking about it, not knowing whether or not it's okay for me to comment on their posts, not wanting to talk in real time because I'm afraid they'll be angry at me. I'm such a fucking wimp when I feel like I've wronged someone. SabR said she wanted to get in contact, so I told them my availability and asked for theirs, now my fear will just have to shut up.

I've been off of g-talk for months now, first for Hannah's visit and then because I had so much in me that I was afraid to let out. I have missed talking to Kenzy -- she and I used to talk all the time. And I miss Kat, but not as much because we stay in contact other ways. ♥ Thank God/dess for Kat and Nea, who've kept on reaching out to seemingly-ungrateful, unresponsive me. *deep sigh* I can't even express how much your concern and love has meant. *lovelove* And many thanks to the others of you who have kept me connected with the world with your beautiful inspiring posts.

And thank God/dess for my beautiful partner, who becomes more expressive and open and honest with every single day. Who always wants to be there for me, even if sometimes he just can't. God/dess, he's incredible. He's growing so much, all the time. When he first started on this path a few months ago, I didn't think it would last, but now I believe in him. ♥

Right now I'm in such a dark place -- not continuously, but overall. I keep going to sleep just to escape, very little holds my interest. I just want to be distracted. and yet! at the same time, I feel this is a time of learning for me. Not growth, but learning in preparation for growth. I'm learning mostly from you beautiful people, and I'm also learning more of myself. A beautiful part of me is finally blossoming, despite the darkness. Maybe it's a nightbloom...

I feel like strong change is coming, and oh, do I welcome it. I need it.

Lately I've been so full of turmoil... my partner and I in such an intense changing place in our relationship, Hannah and I also in such a place (to the point of reevaluating our soulfriendship), Kazi, SabR, and Brian feeling unable to trust me because I haven't kept open communication with them (it's more complicated than that but I think that sums it up), haven't talked to Kate or 'Kenzy for probably two months, Kat's roadtripping so we've had very limited contact, Meliae is very busy...

I feel so lonely. I feel like I have no one to lean on, so I keep going on though I haven't the strength for it. I just want someone I can tell "I need you" and lay my head on their shoulder and let them carry me for a little while. More than that, I want someone who can hear my voice and know how I'm feeling, and offer me love. I want someone to be stronger than me sometimes. Almost always, when I start to lean on someone even for a moment, they crumple -- it makes me feel like an unbearable person, why is my weakness too much for others to handle? Why can't I be a sad, weak, scared person sometimes? The moment someone shows a hurt in themselves, I feel I have to swallow my hurt and be the strong one, the comforter, the healer. I'm strong but I need support too...

Several times lately my partner has been there for me... I can't explain what that means to me. He's never done that before, not like this. I don't even know how to process it, it is such an alien experience, and I'm so afraid that I'll be too much, that I hold back. I can't cry around people unless I've gone past the breaking point... I used to be able to. I'm afraid of all the hurt in me that I can't express because I have nobody to hold my pieces when I fall apart. I feel like I can't reach out for help any more because my weakness is too much.

And it is like a constant ache that my friends all live so far away. I need arms around me, I need eyes to look into mine so that I can see the love for myself rather than relying on my often-shaky faith. I took a step today and started a meetup group, very intimidating (what if no one joins?), but if there are any people like me nearby, I need to know them. It'd suck if I started it up and then had to move, though :-/ (my partner and I are thinking about moving for his job, and I might go back to college next spring if we move near a college I want to go to)

There are so many words in me. I talk to myself just to let them out... I feel un-LJ-ish because I have unresolved stuff with friends, but I'm trying to put some words here so that they aren't lost.

...The Wrong Girl by Missy Higgins...
And I'm lonely again tonight
I can feel it like a knot in my side
They keep saying this is part of the ride
But I'm not getting stronger

I have so much to say... Meliae called me Wednesday and I must have talked nonstop for at least half an hour just summarizing all that has gone on! To uncork the bottle:

- my camera broke! :-( Halfway through the visit, it stopped going into shooting mode, and I left it alone for a while before replacing the batteries (it did that before on low battery), and when I finally put new batteries in it still didn't work. I've been without a camera for like three weeks now and it's really depressing. :-( For a long while now I've been carrying it everywhere, it's become a big part of my life and now it's gone... It's 3.5 years old, so it was its time I guess, but that doesn't make me feel better. Rest in peace, Spyder.
- Hannah's visit was by turns beautiful, horrible, exciting, dull, healing, & painful. She left early for several reasons, mainly because we just didn't have the energy to balance against each other for another 2 weeks. The visit was really draining, but really important, and very necessary. I have a loooooot to write about that, don't want to get started right now.
- Meeting Nick was awesome! I want to make a post about it so I'll save details for later.
- my partner and I have been working on our relationship, with huge steps forward... also deserves a post of its own!
- My parents have invited my partner and I to go on vacation with them and lil sis at the end of August and we've accepted. o.0
- I'm worried that I'm being frozen out by some friends who are really important to me, and I've been too wimpy so far to confront the issue.
- I'm sooooo disappointed that Meliae can only visit for 3 days. I had it in my head that she was going to stay a week (don't assume, Bel!) and now I'm sad... but still very happy that I get to meet her soon.
- Last Saturday I went to church for the first time in over a year! It was fantastic and I've been looking for churches to try. I went looking for GLBT inclusive ones and they all seemed too conservative -- wtf? it was like they thought they had to make up for their 'progressiveness' by having bland (to my taste) worship, wearing fancy clothes and having traditional-style preaching. But I found a few that seemed interesting enough to try.
- I spent ages today catching up on approving members to the curvygirls comm! finally caught up. I've been such a bad mod for the past month.

Hopefully I will be getting back into LJ f'real now. I didn't have time to do more than skim during the visit, so please give me links to any recent posts of yours that you think I'd find especially interesting or that you want my input on!

Saturday we had planned to go to the Etowah Mounds, but we didn't get much sleep the morning before and Hannah didn't have the energy to go, so my partner and I went without her, and it was absolutely incredible. I believe it was meant to be that way, because if she had gone, I would have been very caught up in spending time with her and wouldn't have experienced it the same way (and she needed the sleep). I also feel like being with her this past week was a kind of catalyst for us both and we wouldn't have experienced it as deeply had she not been here.

We sat and listened to a man talk about the history of the major Native American tribes (including how some were matriarchal) and play a beautiful song on the flute, and then a group of Native Americans taught us about the different types of dance, and demonstrated... the music went straight to my blood and filled me up... ohhh I love drums. (and I learned that I prefer the deeper, southern style of singing rather than the higher northern style)



( photos of the drumming and dancing )

Afterward, I sat on the edge of the 'borrow pit' and gazed at the massive tree growing from the bed of it -- how old the pit must be to have such an Elder growing there! -- and my partner spoke with the flute player. My partner's part Seminole but has never really explored his heritage -- I was so thrilled that he spoke so openly about it, and thrilled that he wanted to buy the CD of flute music. It's such a huge step in openness -- I can't even express how amazed I am, how happy. I've felt like he had this amazing present, but he never even took the wrapping off -- and I would have opened it as soon as my baby hands could manage it, and worn it like a crown ever after. Even though it's not something I can share, I know it's such a big part of who he is, and I am so excited that he is finally opening up to it. I think this was a exuviating experience for him -- no, I know it. He's letting me post photos of him without him having to approve them first!

( photo )

Then we walked to the largest mound, and up the many shallow steps... and I lost my breath, partly because I'm out of shape and partly because I was overwhelmed by the spirit of the place. I was immediately drawn to a massive tree on the side of the mound, my God/dess, it was so amazing -- I have tears in my eyes at the memory. I sat near and spoke quietly to it as my partner walked away around the edge of the mound, and just drank in its presence... when my partner came back I said that I wished I could touch it, and so he insisted on helping me down to it (I have a fear of heights and not much faith in my own balance). When I touched its bark, I felt such a strong rush of warmth! I've had only one experience even remotely like it, and that was 8 years ago... this was such a profoundly spiritual experience; I feel like it confirms my connection with trees. I can't put it into words, it was so amazing -- in that one second, everything shifted. I feel like everything I believe became more real, more alive. (and I realized that I've never met a tree as old as that one -- all the trees I have met have been young) My partner took some photos of the moment (which I am so grateful for), and then helped me back up to the top.

We wandered around and I saw several more amazing trees (including one with a faery house!), but none like that one. I feel like I left a little piece of my heart with it, and I can feel the tug of that connection. ♥ How can life be so amazing? (God/dess, I love you, thank you for this life, thank you for the beauty and the love you put in everything ♥ ♥ ♥) And there was a river nearby! Such an amazing, incredible, fascinating place -- I felt honored to walk the ground there. I definitely must go back (and next time I must wear sunscreen).



( many lovely photos )

My partner and I have been fighting and arguing constantly, but it's good, we're making progress. It's... cleansing, I guess, and even though it's frustrating, it feels right. It feels like muscles burning after a strenuous workout -- it's a good kind of ache, with satisfaction in it. We're breaking down all these walls that built themselves out of neglect and indifference. And for the first time, I know that he's putting full effort in. I feel like we're working together. I still can't really believe it -- I think I really expected him to shrug and say bye, not fight to create a healthy relationship. He's truly an amazing person. ♥

disclaimer: this is true FOR ME: I'm not saying it is universal truth.

I'm polyamorous; that has different meanings for different people, so I will define it for me. To me, polyamory is a philosophy that involves being open to more than one committed, sexual relationship. For me, it does not include casual sex, though it may include sex with deep friends who are not romantically involved with me (that is an aspect I am undecided on, for now).

I believe healthy sex is a human-to-human expression of emotional and spiritual intimacy. I believe that every time you have sex with someone, there is a spiritual exchange -- you get a tiny piece of their spirit, and they get a tiny part of yours. The more you have sex with them, the more you exchange. I do think that over time, your given-away-parts come back to you (and you can do spiritual work to make them come back faster), but it takes a while -- the length of time depends on how many times you had sex with them, and how intense each experience was. For this reason I believe casual sex is very unhealthy, because you're accepting parts of people who may be bad for you, and you're giving away a part of you that they may not be worthy of. I define casual sex as: sex with people whom you do not know well and/or do not love. I feel that you need to know them in order to judge if they are good for you, and you need to love them because sex is a sacred act and needs the presence of love so that both partners are treated with full respect and honor. So I would only have sex with someone I mutually knew well, loved, and was reasonably sure that they'd be in my life for a long time (in order to keep the parts of my spirit in my life until such time as I wanted to call them back). And for now, at least, they'd also have to be soulfriends with me, because I would need to have that level of intimacy and trust. There are many many people I find attractive, but even though they might make me flush or make my heart beat fast, if they don't also stir my spirit, I don't want to have sex with them.

So why would I want more than one partner? Partly, for balance -- I feel like (for ME) a two-person relationship is wobbly -- like if you had two pegs connected by a wire, they'd be pretty easily pushed over. But if you have three pegs, connected in a triangle, it's not as easy for them to fall. As the Bible says (haha!) "A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Because in a relationship of two, if one person is weakened, the other has no support -- in a relationship of three, it is far more likely that there will be at least one person strong enough to support at any given time. But even though a triad would be my 'ideal' relationship shape, I'm open to a 'V,' where I have two partners who are not involved with each other (as long as they were open to attempting soulfriendship with each other). Or other configurations, of course.

Another reason is simply the fact that I've never so much as held hands with anyone except my partner. (not to mention kissing!) And I didn't know my own sexuality until years after I married my partner, so I never explored that either. I know that if I had learned it earlier, I would probably have thought myself a lesbian, because my partner's the only man I've ever met that I would marry, I'm pretty sure. I don't regret it one tiny bit -- I wouldn't be the person I am if I hadn't followed the path I did -- but experiencing a romantic and sexual relationship with a woman is something that is very important to me. Also, I do not like the concept of restricting myself romantically/sexually to one person, because it makes me feel 'owned' -- I know this is not something everyone feels, but it's true for me. I want to decide based on what is right for me (I feel that what is truly right for the individual is right for the group). And I think that I would grow immensely from a second sexually intimate relationship, because she would share the experience of being a woman and we would connect in a totally different way, and because it would involve challenging the accepted paradigms. Most of all, there is a place in my heart that is waiting for her. ♥ (I'm not completely closed to the idea of another man in my life, but I don't actively desire it)

( discussing it with my partner, why now )

( ... )

I feel like I am mourning... I FUCKING HURT. And I'm so confused. Why did I get with my partner? Did I just want to escape my toxic family (lil sis excepted)? Could I really have been so shallow as to 'fall' just because I was attracted to him? I keep thinking, there has to be something. He has qualities I like now, but back then he didn't. And I wouldn't have been able to explain why I wanted him except to say that there is 'something about him' -- what something? is it that something that will connect us in the way I've always wanted to, once we push past all the changeable things? or are we fundamentally incompatible and just wasting time?

I remember when Rebecca and Trevor got together, like 2 years ago, and were so in love and affectionate and you could see how perfectly they matched, and I couldn't be in the same room for a minute without feeling a bone-deep ache, often had to escape because I couldn't help but cry. I wanted that so desperately, and had never even tasted it. I've tasted it since then, but not in a romantic way and not with my partner.

I want to know what it feels like to have someone passionately in love with me. Not just "I like you, this is nice, I think you're pretty" but "you make my spirit sing, I can't fathom my life without you, just seeing you overwhelms me with joy, I want to devour you, breathe you, live you, experience every last drop of your existence." I want someone whose hands are irresistibly drawn to me, who wants to hold me, make love to me, support me, pour into me. Not because of anything I do but just because I'm me. Just because they are enchanted by the essence of me. And I want to feel the same way about that person. I used to feel that way about my partner -- why? I thought he felt the same and just had a hard time expressing it (that's what he said about it) but I kept waiting and waiting to see it, and now it's 5.5 years later and I've never seen it.

I do really like the person he seems to be becoming, though I'm not anywhere near fully trusting his changes yet.

When we had the first huge discussion, I told him I didn't want to have sex again unless/until it was out of a mutual desire to spiritually connect. He agreed, fairly enthusiastically. So Sunday we did try that, and it was a lovely experience, but I didn't get a feel for his spirit at all. He said he felt mine though, and he said that he had definitely opened himself up to me, so I feel lost. Am I afraid to sense his spirit, afraid to discover that we don't fit? am I afraid that we will? am I just afraid to hope?

...Fix You by Coldplay...

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need

When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste

High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Thank you so much, so very much, everyone who offered support and comfort on my last post ♥ I wish I could fully express how much I needed it, and how grateful I am that you gave it. Thank you, thank you.

"Love is possible only if two persons communicate with each other
from the center of their existence... only in this 'central experience'
is human reality, only here is aliveness, only here is the basis for love."
-- Erich Fromm (quoted in Kiss Me Again, my second-favorite movie)

Everything's been so much better between my partner and I since we had that huge discussion on Sunday (and small, intense discussions every day since then). I can't describe how odd it feels to be living with someone whom I don't really know -- and considering bonding with him. He says that he feels sure that as I get to know the real him, we'll be a wonderful match. He's kinda excited, actually, about the awakening he's going through. I'm bewildered by the sudden changes, but I am glad that he's being kind, and I'm hopeful about the future. Not hoping for anything in particular, just hopeful that however this turns out, it's better than the path we were on.

everything feels so surreal.

I don't know, everything is so confusing. I've been terribly scatter-brained (went to stores FOUR TIMES for various jewelry supplies for the same set), and at the same time, so much more motivated than usual. I've been meaning to try out Curves for a while (ever since someone in curvygirls mentioned that it was a body-positive place to get healthy) and finally did so this week. ( ... )

I got to talk with Hannah today, huge relief, because I had been so worried that she didn't believe her 2007 visit was going to happen, but she does, and we are going to MAKE THIS WORK and I also found cheaper tickets *whew* and and and I am filled with magic and glitter memories! so I went looking through the photos of last years visit, and I'm so filled with love and joy. Can it be? I am the luckiest girl in the world, to have found this beautiful person. ♥ She is my spirit-twin, she matches me so very well, understands me so perfectly. eeee she makes me so happy! We're coming up on our second anniversary of friendship (can it be so young?) and 15 months of soulfriendship today ♥

These photos are from the 4th day of Hannah's first visit! :D We went to my partner's parent's house as has been my habit for years. I can't think of a close friend (whom I've met in person) that hasn't met them. Before I dated my partner, his sister Rebecca and I were inseparable -- his family have been a big part of my life since I was 15. Less now than before, but that's to be expected I suppose, since I no longer have a need to be parented. Still, I take my friends to meet them because they're awesome and so are my friends. :D Unfortunately Mr. Ben and Miss Kathleen were off having a date weekend (necessary when you have so many kids!), so they didn't get to meet her but elya, Natty, and JJ did. Hannah said the atmosphere of their house was so warm and welcoming. :D

( Hannah and I hang out with my partner's family )

Then we went to the FAIR!!! (in my tiny town, crazy!) which we had miraculously noticed on the very last day they were in town, and decided to go to! I had never been to a fair before (seriously!) so it was especially exciting for me. :D ohhh I loved it! I was soooo thrilled and amazed that God/dess had arranged it for us :D



( Hannah and I go to the FAIR )

more magic to come, my friends :D

first, isn't my icon just completely utterly beyond adorable? :D :D :D

Thursday we did a nude photoshoot! I dragged several of the lamps into the bedroom and set up my tripod and made my first attempt at artistic nudes of someone else! Very exciting. I wish I had used a different backdrop, because after looking at them full-screen, I realize that that one is just wayyyyy too busy. But I still got some shots that I think are incredible. I really want to get actual lighting equipment and a studio... I'm so glad she agreed to model for me! :D Thanks Kat! ♥

( one implied nude, probably work safe )

After the shoot I went out to get my hair cut. I was all excited because I just KNEW that the cut I had in mind was going to look absolutely fantastic on me. So I went in, waited around for the lady I wanted, and then when she finally came up, I showed her what I wanted (found a pic in a book) and she palmed me off on the lady who had given me a completely shitty haircut last time. But I thought, hey, maybe I just didn't explain it well last time, and how can she go wrong with a photo of what I want right in front of her? >:-( She lopped ALL MY HAIR OFF, about 3-4 inches shorter than the photo, and brought the cowlick of doom back to life! I was so furious I couldn't speak, could hardly think. Which is why I didn't think to refuse to pay, which is what I should have done. At least I didn't tip her. I seriously think she hated me (because I made her re-cut it last time, and then made it clear that I did NOT want her this time) and gave me a bad cut on purpose. Evil, evil lady. ( a photo of the cut )

But except for the horridly stubborn cowlick (which I have to pin down because no mere glopping of gel will work), I've decided to like the cut now. The bangs at least are okay, and I like my dykey look, heh. I forgive you, evil haircutting lady. Go and commit hair-sins no more.

That night we went to the coffeehouse -- sadly there were people on my green couch (both times we went!) and so we sat in the front. I totally forget what we talked about, but I remember it was very interesting! ( coffeehouse photos )

Then Saturday we went to the Renaissance festival!!! yay! I loooooove going, I love the magical feel of it all and especially the beautiful glass exhibits ♥ I found a Ma'at figurine that was of much higher quality than any I have found, so I just had to have it for my sanctuary. I loved that stall and wish I had taken photos of the amazing goddess statues and mermaids and Egyptian figurines, all wonderful. ( Ma'at figurine photos )

We watched an acrobatic show, which was fantastic -- and I looooved watching the woman especially, she was so amazingly fit and curvy! They were quite funny and seemed to be having a blast.( RenFest acrobats! )

and I had to take a million glass photos...
( art glass is magic )

and had to also take photos of beautiful Kat! in the lovely little alleyway we found. ( pics of Kat! and my partner taking photos of Kat, and us with our faces in the painted board )


and then I found the MOST AMAZING SKIRT EVER and my partner saw the look on my face and declared that we had to buy it. :D I changed into it before the receipt even printed! I love it so so so so so so so so soooooooooooooooooooo MUCH OMG LOVE!!!!!

( pics of Kat and me in my AMAZING SKIRT!!! )

Kat gave me an AMAZING purse which is totally perfect for carrying my camera about in! It is EXACTLY the right size, EXACTLY the right shade, and it is even padded for extra protection! camera, cell, keys, and cards all fit nicely. I've never been so excited about a purse! it couldn't be more perfect if I designed it. The strap is even the perfect length! Unfortunately it doesn't photograph correctly -- it comes out as blue when it is quite violet.

And to wrap up the day, we went to my favorite mexican restaurant because after all, it was Cinco de Mayo! (as if I need an excuse to go there) Sadly, the waiter (a really great guy who often serves us) was quite set on doing his job and stopped us sharing the margarita because Kat didn't have her ID, but we snuck her half of it anyway. ( photos from therrrrrreeee )

Kat arrived right on time -- a little early, even -- despite having lost her ID a few days before! God/dess smiled on us and security didn't give her any crap about it. ;-) We took her straight to my favorite mexican restaurant, had yummy dinners, went home and to bed, and took no photos at all that night. (she was exhausted from lack of sleep and the aftermath of stress)

The next day we lounged around (I got up shamefully late) and after my partner got home we went to Redtop Mountain. (we were going to see Spiderman 3 at the IMAX, but I waited far too late to get the tickets, oh well) It was sooooo incredibly beautiful! I hadn't been in years, and didn't realize how close it is to where I live. We frolicked in a field of daisies (minus my partner), explored a small beach, saw a water moccasin!, watched Kat spin poi fantastically, and clumsily attempted spinning also. (and yes I took a vid of Kat spinning but it's not in this post, ha! :-p)



( many gorgeous photos! )

so much to say! I'm feeling blocked, hopefully if I can decide which to post when, it will help. (eventually I will post it all, most likely) Please vote on which I should post FIRST (1 or 2 choices please, 3 if you must):

[Poll #966289]

also, last night I dreamed that I went to a home-church meeting (in the jeep, I drove) with my mom and lil sis, and after we got there I called my partner and invited him to come too (he drove over in Sylvia (our current car)). All the other people were old, grey-haired, wise, kind, and very openminded. (and they were all about feeding us, I remember potato salad in particular) I think I took my clothes off shortly after coming in. The house was very open, practically nothing but screened windows from the waist up (second time I've dreamed about a house like that). It was very sunny and fairly warm, with a cool breeze. After a little while I looked out the back of the house and saw a MASSIVE tree, with its lower branches gnarled and thicker than I am tall. I was awed, and one of the old men noticed and said, "oh, that's Hercules." I responded, "Hercules?" and he said yes and showed me a drawing of a warrior with horns. I looked at it and then up at the tree and saw that they were exactly the same shape. I was further awed and in love, and went outside to lay at its roots and stare up and take photos, even though by that time the wind was VERY strong, strong enough that you'd need to lean against it -- but still coming in gusts rather than steadily. My partner was a little worried that a branch might break and fall on me, but I was completely calm.

that is the third dream I've had of trees lately, the second that features a HUGE tree which I spend time at the roots of, and the second that involved my mom & lil sis and trees AND cars! *meditates* hmm, also the second in which I call someone.

( what dreammoods says about the symbolism )

It's been a very strange two weeks... I feel like I am holding my breath all the time, which is why I haven't been posting. Waiting waiting waiting to hear on my partner's promotion -- EVERYTHING hangs on that, it feels impossible to live when you have amazing new life in one hand and possible homelessness and starvation in the other. Yeah, yeah, maybe that's a little melodramatic, but we don't have any sort of safety net, so that is not an irrational fear. But I am believing that we ARE getting it and everything is going to be wonderful and happy and filling-in-all-the-spaces. (pray pray pray please!)

Week before last I spend tons of time talking to Hannah, which was amazing and wonderful because she has fresh energy for the first time in a long while, and it was so incredible to be able to re-connect in such a warm loving way. And it was especially lovely because it was the anniversary of our soulfriendship; we spent so much time rejoicing over this amazing thing we've created, how it has changed our lives and brought us sooo much joy. And planning all sorts of beautiful things for the next time we are together, sharing art we've created... just taking intense delight in each other. She is so very incredible ♥

And then this past week! I've talked to Meliae so much! she called me and we talked on the phone for the first time Wednesday morning (3am on the 21st, so it was still Tuesday to me) and we talked for EIGHT HOURS (2 on phone, 6 on gtalk (voice))!!! If you can have an 8 hour conversation with someone and STILL not want to stop talking, you know that you have a real connection; I think the only other person I've ever spoken with for that long of a stretch is Hannah. And since then we've talked a bunch of times: about education, feminism, the way previous wounds affect how you live, soulfriendship, other friendships, romantic relationships, sex, spirituality, our life stories (brief versions, heh), just EVERYTHING. And it's got my mind spinning in all kinds of new directions, I love it! :D I'm very excited! and also a little uncertain because I am used to being the one that 'discovers' this incredible person and totally falls in love and pursues them until they fall in love back, but this time she found me and sought me out! It's awesome but just so totally novel to me, to not be the instigator in a relationship that I am enthused about, so I'm still kinda trying to get my bearings. I think when I instigate a relationship, I pour a lot of energy in right away, so it makes sense to me that they love me back. But with Meliae, I hadn't given anything, so why would she want to be friends with me? Meliae says that she got a very clear sense of me from my journal and my photos, and I believe her because I felt a jolt of spirit-recognition when I first saw a photo of her, and couldn't stop giggling at how happy seeing her smile made me. And if I felt it, then she must have felt it too. hmmm. I think maybe I feel like she knows me better than I know her, somehow, and that weirds me out. Despite the fact that TONS of people know me better than I know them! I don't know why I feel odd about it, it's definitely illogical. Maybe I feel like because she instigated it, she has the power to end it, and I feel out of my depth because I don't know her desires like I would know my own. hmmmm. I don't like that idea but it seems correct. poooo, I don't like finding out that I didn't fully kill an insecurity. (Still, I'm way more secure than I was before because it's only a mild off-kilter feeling, not screaming crying fear. yay for growth!)

My relationship with my partner has been tempestuous lately -- we're both stressed so we keep overreacting to things, having a big fight, and then when we've fought all the pettiness out, realizing that it wasn't even a big deal. But at the same time we're still growing more open and intimate with each other... a product of my partner striving to be more expressive, I think. He's growing by leaps and bounds. *love*

and 'Kenzy and I have been talking a lot too! She's amazing, so creative, and growing so fast! I feel humbled by her wisdom sometimes.

HOW THE HELL DO I HAVE SO MANY AMAZING PEOPLE IN MY LIFE???? At this rate I'm going to start having awesome people stop me in the store and strike up a friendship just like that. Lucky doesn't even begin to describe it! The only explanation is the hands of God/dess. Thank you ♥ for bringing them into my life, and all you wonderful people, thank you for being you ♥

On my birthday, my partner took me to the used book store and I got awesome new music, and then SabR and Kazi showed up at the house (I was sooooooo happy because Kazi wasn't feeling well and I was afraid she wasn't going to be able to come but she did!) and after they tortured my poor horny cat for a bit we went out to the mall (blech!) to try to find a snow leopard poster (because I wanted to get one as a birthday present to myself) but had no luck. So we went back home, picked up my partner, and went to O'Charlie's (I had never been). SabR and Kazi love the cheese potato soup there -- they said it was the perfect 'dog slobber' consistency, which made me glad I didn't order it! (but eventually they got me to try it and it was pretty yum) Then we headed over to my partner's parents' house for desert -- they made spice cake for me! :D after yum desert and coffee we got into SabR's car (Vince) and headed out on the 2 hour drive to her house... ending in an insane race down a windy dirt road. >:-[ I was hanging on to the 'oh shit' bar, heh. When we finally got there we checked our respective LJs (HA! I LOVE having friends who understand the appeal of LJ!) and piled into SabR's full-size bed (three adults and a dog!) We cruised youtube for a bit (while I stroked Kazi's hair) before going to sleep. Apparently I banged into the wall all night, but I felt fine!

Next morning SabR scorched me a bagel (and then made a non-burned one) and we went out to this awesome little coffeeshop that sold used books and paintings by a local artist (which were awesome and I am kicking myself for not having my camera!), then headed to her grandparents' ranch. We got stopped by an evil santa who snarled at us for not seeing the sign that he had propped on the wrong side of the road, and debated whether or not to just drive on and make him jump out of the way... but we were good and settled for tearing out when he turned the sign around to 'slow.' Then I got to meet the horses! Jiddan, Hawk, Shetan, and Scarlette. It had been years since I'd been around horses and I was just in awe -- they are such incredible animals. So powerful and so gentle. Scarlette especially -- I just wanted to sit with her for hours and pet her and meditate.

Then John (Kazi's boyfriend) arrived and we all went out for lunch at their favorite mexican restaurant, but afterward Kazi felt really sick and left with John to go home :-( So SabR and I went back to the ranch and she saddled up Hawk for me and put a bareback pad on Shetan for her (so freaking cool, I want to be good enough to be comfortable without a saddle!) and we went riding! I think the last time I had been was about 10 years ago -- holy crap, I'm old! I can say 'it's been a decade since I did such-n-such' :-o anyway, I was very very nervous and rusty, so we just walked the horses and talked... there is nothing like riding a horse. NOTHING can compare, it's so free, so wild! (yes, even walking, heh) I wish I could do it more often... hm, maybe I should look into getting lessons again.

Then SabR drove me all those miles home, and hung out at the house for a bit before making the long drive back. She's so freaking generous, doing all that driving (and she refused to let me help pay for gas, but next time I will for sure). I so loved spending so much time with her and Kazi ♥ Thanks so much for spending time with me on my birthday, girls!

I didn't take any photos on my actual birthday, but I have these from a few weeks ago when Kazi & SabR & Brad came over, so I will share them now!


Kazi & SabR ♥ Bel!

( many photos, much movement-blurriness (which I like! I only dislike unfocused blur, movement blur shows life) )

Thank you to Kate, first person to tell me happy birthday! I loved the text message, it made me feel so special. Thank you to Kimberley, for the Christmas/birthday present of chai tea and awesome book! I have already had a few cups ;-) And thank you to Hannah-love for trying to call me, sorry it didn't work but hey, I'm one of those people that honestly believes it is the thought that counts. And thank you to Brian for calling to wish me happy birthday, that made me absolutely beam. And thank you to firekat for calling in a tizzy over getting the date wrong, hee hee, and I am very happy to be able to anticipate your present! yay mail! And thank you to Kate and Hannah also, I sooooo can't wait for your packages to arrive. And thanks to Meliae and Sidhe and Kevloid and Aulii for the birthday messages!!! I grinned sooooo much reading them! *blows kisses to all of you* ((if you did something and I didn't mention it, please comment and tell me because I don't want to stay forgetting it!))

I had the most beautiful evening last Saturday. ♥ My partner and I went to have dinner with Kazi (malignlibra), SabR (sabr), Brian (zodiacbw), Brad (racedriver95), and John (no LJ!) -- Brian made (delicious) lasagna for us at his house.

I don't know if I can do justice to the feeling I had among them. I felt home, in a way I have never felt before. I loved the Wynnes with all my heart, but I was extremely insecure when I lived with them and could not fully believe in their love or acceptance, and even though they never treated me as such, technically I was their servant -- I wasn't around purely for the pleasure of my company. The Wynnes gave me my first taste of family, but I experienced a full banquet of it Saturday night. Even on walking in, I felt comfortable (in a brand new environment with people I'd only seen a few times and two new people also), and as the night went on I felt it more and more. I felt safe, connected.

I'm still reflecting on why I felt so at ease and accepted among - strangers! Perhaps it's because none of the group loves lightly, there is no wishy-washy maybeness. If they choose to trust, they do so in a deep way. I could be wrong since they're still new to me (the guys anyway), but I don't think I am.

I felt an instant connection when I met Brian -- my spirit recognized his, and I loved him immediately. ♥ My spirit said he was one of the most open people I have ever met, which made no sense to my mind because outwardly he seems very reserved and private -- but my spirit would brook no argument. (I'm still trying to figure out what that means) We didn't talk at all, that I can remember (except that I complimented his cooking and he thanked me), but I felt such a connection. Loving someone so strongly, so quickly, is kinda scary, kinda thrilling, very confusing. At one point we thought Kazi was upset and SabR darted to the room she was, I started to follow and then hesitated and said, 'should I go?' and then looked at Brian for an answer. He looked in my eyes a moment and then kinda half-smiled and jerked his head toward the room and said, "c'mon," and we went to the room (it turned out that Kazi wasn't actually upset). In that small action I felt like he had looked into my soul to see if I really cared about Kazi and wanted to comfort her, saw that I did, and chose to include me. I felt like he understood me, believed in me, and trusted me -- just like that. Later I was talking with SabR and he was listening so intently (it made me feel so valued) -- I haven't actually had the guts to talk to him about all this because I'm afraid that it's all one sided *eek* but I really want to know if he was interested because he knows Kazi and SabR love me, or because he felt the same connection. ((I sent this post to him before posting to see if he was okay with me posting it, he said he was (but I scared him a bit, *eek*)))

Later we all watched Playing By Heart -- I thought it was just going to be myself and SabR and Kazi, but the guys were all interested! I sat between SabR and Kazi on the couch, with Brad and John on the floor in front of them, and I invited Brian to sit in front of me (I knew my partner would rather stretch his eons-long legs out on the recliner). He leaned his head against my leg as we watched the movie, which made me feel completely included. I was so incredibly happy, watching my favorite movie of all time while cuddling with such a close-knit group of people that I felt truly safe with.

ALSO! My birthday is in two days! and I get to spend the night with SabR and Kazi and then meet SabR's magical horse, Scarlette!

We've just crossed our 5th year of being spiritually married, so I want to post about my lover & partner (aka frenetik or my partner).

( up until we got legally married... cut because this is amazingly long, I think my longest post ever! )

Eventually we just couldn't take it anymore, and though I had intended to graduate before getting married, we decided to get married on December 13, 2003. Apparently I offended tons of people at the reception because I didn't pay them attention -- but for goodness sake, I'd been a (consensual) virgin for almost 21 years! I only had one thing on my mind. (I suppose people aren't used to that nowadays, heh) Plus I don't think I owe anyone attention or a relationship based on blood (and if I had my way most of those people wouldn't have been invited, but I wasn't paying so I didn't get to restrict the guest list), so whatever.

The first few months were SO rocky. Sex wasn't what I had dreamed about (I now realize that I was really triggered) and it took quite a while before it stopped being painful and was merely uncomfortable. I think it was like five months before it was comfortable ((but in spite of that, I don't think I have ever had sex without an orgasm (except for the first few times) -- my partner's a very generous lover)). It didn't help that I was in counseling, dealing with all kinds of issues that just totally crushed me.

But we made it through... and even more amazing, we made it through the year after that (2005) when I was in more intensive counseling and became completely agoraphobic and useless, unable to leave the house, having flashbacks and nightmares, jumping away from the most innocent of touches, crying and depressed and wanting to die, furious with everything, very uncomfortable with my partner because of his maleness. That was a scary year, because even though he offered me all the support he could, I felt that he wasn't truly connecting with me and I felt very very alone. I was also very upset because he didn't give to me emotionally. He was there, he supported me financially and put up with my paranoia and wild emotions, but that was it, he didn't reach out (because he didn't know how). 2006 ended with me feeling that our marriage was over, and expressing to him that I didn't feel any love for him at all, and didn't feel love from him, and didn't understand why he wanted to stay with me.

We fought, argued and argued, and I was cold as ice, because I was so incredibly low. I'm still stunned that he wanted to stay with me. But I finally expressed a lot of things I had previously felt too undeserving to admit I wanted, and he said he wanted to change, and did. He started working on being more expressive and more connected, more open and honest -- not in order to please me, but because he saw from my pain that it was an area he needed to grow in. He started making real effort to reach out to me, and to express his appreciation when I reached out to him.

He's made incredible progress (and I've grown in ways that have benefited him too) -- people who knew him five years ago wouldn't recognize him now. He used to pride himself on his cynicism, was so sarcastic and closed off. Now he connects with people! He's open! He has learned to see the human body as a work of art, and to see nudity as naturalness and openness... he has learned to reach out to new people, to share himself with them. When Hannah visited, he was nearly as open with her as he is with me -- he just chose to trust her. He's learned to express when he feels sad or upset, rather than turning the emotion into anger and taking it out in a computer game or by slamming things. He's grown so much in expressing when he is joyful (omg, he's the most beautiful thing ever when he is unashamedly happy). Instead of keeping himself sedated with mindless games, he spends time in games in which he can interact with people and develop friendships... he's just branched out so much. AND he has chosen to live consciously, such a huge step. I'm very very excited about seeing him continue to grow and mature.

I am so incredibly blessed.


may 2005

( more photos )

Wild Woman by Willow Arlenea

My totem animal, the dragonfly, lives as a nymph for a while, shedding her skin many times to emerge as a more developed creature, and only with the final shedding does she have wings. I feel that I have metamorphosed several times this year, and with this last shedding of my skin I have realized that I now have wings! I have reached completeness, developed all that I need to fly. I will continue growing in a new way, learning to use what I have. This is exciting and scary because there is no more waiting around to be ready; I have arrived.

( important events in 2006 )

I feel like some of my metamorphoses have been inner and chosen, but the majority of them were external. My ties with this area have been severed again and again: Rebecca moved, my church wounded me and I haven't really attempted to fix it, Allison cut ties with me, my mimosa tree died, Kristen and I both changed and now we strongly differ on important issues, and Ashley broke up with me. I still love the land with all my heart -- Georgia is in my blood and always will be -- but I have no place that really feels mine since my mimosa died. Emerald is still there but the crook of her trunk is not enough space for me to take root. I feel that I am being prepared for a new way of life, perhaps a move. I welcome it with open arms! and pray that it will be near to one of the glorious friends who fill my life with light. ♥...Said The Sun to the Shine by Earthsuit...
Said the Sun to the Shine
Come shadow, what you find?
Said the Sun to the Shine
You and I forever bind