My heart sings to me today through Florence + the Machine. It started with



"Heavy heavy i'm so heavy in your arms
(i'm so) Heavy heavy i'm so heavy in your arms
(i'm so) Heavy heavy i'm so heavy in your arms
(i'm so) Heavy heavy i'm so heavy in your arms

I was a heavy heart to carry
my beloved was weighed down
My arms around your neck
My fingers laced to crown

I was a heavy heart to carry
But you never let me down
When you had me in your arms
My feet never touched the ground

And is it worth the wait
All this killing time?
Are you strong enough to stand
Protecting both your heart and mine?"



Today I was feeling increasingly overwhelmed with sadness, with this longing ache, and I wasn't sure if it was mine, or the pain of someone I am connected to. It didn't feel poisonous or like it was damaging me, it just felt desperate, needing expression, needing LOUD needing SHOUTS, and I was grateful that today Serenity was away from the house because I went to the living room and put that song on (it had been repeating in my mind), put it loud, and sang and screamed along and wept and sobbed and danced in fury and meaning, flinging my roots down and my wings wide, thrashing wild. I kept on listening to more songs from Florence + the Machine's "Lungs" and "Ceremonials," singing and gesturing fiercely to the music.

I tell myself it will be worth the wait, I can make it through the slow death of time, I'll eventually be able to have joy that is not constantly strangled by they far-too-long sharply-thin unbreakable strings of my stress and have growth that doesn't wither every time I put out a new leaf. I try so hard to believe me, but part of me doesn't believe such a thing exists.

My heart is so heavy and I'm the only one strong enough to carry it. Why couldn't it be lighter? why couldn't I have people around me with light enough hearts and strong enough arms that they could help me with mine? But people with light hearts don't develop strong arms and people with heavy hearts always seem at their max. We don't know how to say no to carrying for others unless it will actually break us... so we allow gradually more and more to be added until we can't carry our own and end up dragging it behind on a leash, getting bruised and cut and bashed by every slightest bump in the road.



And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell
I'm gonna let it happen to me

So, I went to Atlanta Poly Weekend (APW) yesterday and today, and had intended to go to all of it but I've discovered that even though the anxiety meds help enough to keep me from spiraling into negativity from not being able to interact, they don't actually reduce the amount of effort it takes. So I get super worn out from the constant brush of people. I've realized that I actually can't do conferences without staying in the hotel; I can do a one-day visit but that's it. The con takes all my energy and I don't have the extra for driving back and forth, especially when I never get a chance to be alone all day. Hopefully I will be able to afford a room next time.

I also realized two ways that I want to be more involved in local community; through anti-looksist work in general and by being volunteering to help with planning accessibility for APW. I don't think that I'm especially qualified, but I have learned a lot by example from the disability coordinator for TBC (and they're a friend of mine so I could probably ask advice) so I think I could be helpful, and I don't think APW can afford to hire someone. I sent a message offering, and if they don't follow up I'll seek them out more directly. Things I would definitely do include setting aside a quiet non-interaction space for anxious folk to take a break because fuck did I miss that.

I realized I want to be more involved in anti-looksist work because I went to a session about dating while fat and polyamorous and I realized again how radical a force for change it is to be anti-looksist, and how many skills I have in this area. I need to skill-share because it's so vital for all bodies to be treated as acceptable. Fat-hating connects to so many other oppressions, so destroying fat-hating reduces the power of other oppressions. I tend to think of self-work as 'fluffy' or less important but it isn't. People need self-love to survive oppression, and we need oppressed people to survive or we cannot destroy the system.

I also got to have a little date with Arizona yesterday! Their partners let us have the hotel room to ourselves for a few hours and we cuddled and talked and then we played with thumpy toys! I brought the floggers I made recently and hadn't had a chance to use, and Arizona brought toys too. We started with Arizona thumping my back with what is called a 'billy club' -- a long rubber rod about 1.5 inches in diameter with little rubber spikes on the end (like on a meat tenderizer). Arizona used one at first, then added another and played my back like a drum! I got really into the rhythm, which changed the way it felt because I felt like I was experiencing it in both physical and auditory ways at once. Then Arizona used a steel cane (a thin metal rod about 1 cm in diameter) on my back and bum and legs. Then we took a break and had cuddles, and then Arizona used my mini floggers, my rainbow flogger, and my black suede leather floggers. (I'll try to get some photos to show soon.) The rainbow flogger was actually my favorite -- it's heavy because there are many loops of cord, but it's diffuse at the same time, so it doesn't feel 'too much' in any particular way. Lastly Arizona used my paddle (a thick hairbrush-shaped wooden one) on my bum and legs. It's really interesting how different the sensations are, even after I'm somewhat desensitized due to build-up.

Arizona and I kissed a little bit and they swayed and smiled and said they loved kissing me, which pleased me very much. I wanted to have more time to kiss today but there were a lot of people around the whole time and it was too distracting. But! They're coming back up in two weeks and they said they definitely want one-on-one time with me then. I miss them a lot and it saddens me that I can only see them so rarely.

Tonight when I got home Serenity (my housemate) had been doing a ritual for the new moon and invited me to join. Together we lit candles (including the rainbow drip candles I had been saving for ritual) and incense, smoked hookah, and they danced to music while I drummed along and then after I put the drum aside and seat-danced for a little bit they playfully pulled at me with dance movements and I got up and danced with them. I didn't feel self-conscious while dancing and only felt self-conscious while drumming for a little bit. Drumming along with the music was lovely because I was more patient with myself than usual and didn't get angry when I missed a beat. I shifted this way and that with rhythms and felt in harmony with my drum in a way I haven't since before I moved into this house, three years ago. Kanika (my cat) and Lily (Serenity's service dog) kept us company and enjoyed the energy. I feel like tonight was meant to be -- I had a lot of maybe-plans that fell through for this to happen as it did.

What is a skill you've always wished to have, but don't? What had stopped you from pursuing it, or what stopped you from achieving it? (from here)

I always wanted to be able to do structured dance. First it was ballet, then modern dance, then bellydance that I wanted to learn. I took bellydance classes for a little while, but when my teacher (who gave me a discount) stopped teaching I couldn't find anyone who taught near enough and cheap enough. Eventually I stopped looking for a new teacher. I think I was also hindered by lack of someone to do it with - part of my success when I did take classes was that I had a friend taking them with me.

I've also always wanted to paint, blow glass, sculpt, and draw well. In these things also I have not learned due to lack of money, teacher, and classmate. I have self-taught some other skills, but with painting and sculpting, the cheap materials are so much harder to work with, and with glass there is a HUGE financial barrier, and with drawing... I think with drawing I just got discouraged and never found a thing that I needed to draw enough to work at it. I wanted to learn to make fractals from the first time I saw them, but it took me years to even try, and I began with a tutorial. After that I felt like I understood enough to start experimenting.

How would you define luck and would you consider yourself lucky relative to the society you live in?

I define luck as being on the good side of random chance. Most things have a lot of forces pushing them, but when those forces get balanced, it is random chance that decides which way they go. To be lucky is to have those chances fall in your favor. I think you can make this happen. In cases where only the tiniest bit of a push makes the choice, that tiny push can be something like your desire, your prayer, etc. I didn't believe in luck as a thing of itself until I saw a string of such ludicrously bad luck that I felt there must be such a thing, and I took some actions to try and break it and it seemed to help.

A lot of times people use 'lucky' instead of 'privileged' as in "I was lucky to be born white" but that is not luck, because being born white is not a factor of random chance - you had very little chance of having dark skin if both parents were white. Privilege is not luck because it is not random and it is not value-neutral (but privilege and luck can go hand-in-hand).

I consider myself fairly lucky in some respects; I have amazing thrifting luck, and I have had good luck finding amazing friends, and I have good luck with my car. I cultivate this luck by pushing into it with my will so that any time forces are balanced I push them over to my favor.

This Thursday was a very eventful and nourishing day. ( school stuff in the morning )

I spent the rest of the day with LilyWolf: we talked for a while and then had prolonged eye contact (like, 20-30 minutes, way more than others can usually do). At that point I realized how tired I was and asked them to drive us to the oneness blessing, which they cheerfully did. The blessing circle was at someone's house instead of a church, and it felt much better. We used to meet in the rooms where the age 10-18 kids spend time, which feels rather chaotic and exposed: the room we meet in now is set up as a sanctuary and you can feel the calm infused throughout.

During the blessing, I first felt energy go into me in a kind of shower, flowing through me from the person's hands into the earth and then it sort of bounced back, so it was this ellipse flowing through me. That was true for the first few times, and then I started to feel a sort of pressure/fullness in the center of my forehead each time. As usual my thoughts got more clarified and creative as the hour moved forward, and I felt a sense of relief in my brain. I was really glad to have gone, just for that, and reminded of how good it is for me to go regularly because it has a cumulative effect and one of the things it seems to do is heal my mind a little from the ways that ADD stresses it.

Giving the blessing felt a little awkward and barely-trickling at first, because it had been so long since I did it last, but it opened up with each instance. With one person, I felt they had a sort of stern maternal deity, and when I let it flow from them through me to the person, I started to feel like I was floating up from my feet! I've never felt anything like that before and it was really unexpected from such a deity. The next person in the circle, I felt a sense of white flowy sweet gentleness that reminded me of Isis or Quan Yin but I don't think it was either of those, perhaps a saint. Then there was the one who always feels so open that it is super easy to flow with them: every time I give them the blessing I see a moonlit waterfall in a dense forest, and I feel that space giving to them (I think they worship a deity but it is always only nature I feel giving to them). Then I gave to LilyWolf and felt/saw a greenish face surrounded by leaves, felt a sense of Celtic isles, and heard the name Caerdwynn (later I looked this up and found Ceridwen). It was shorter than the ones I'm used to but it was every bit as powerful if not more so. I feel very inclined to go every week, and hope that I motivate to do so. It'll be difficult for the next few months because going out in the dark cold is so repulsive to me.

As we headed home we realized we were both very hungry and stopped at one of my favorite Mexican food places (the one with the best salsa) and I impulsively invited Topaz, forgetting how stressful last minute plans are for them. They'd already had a long and shitty day, and it was the last straw. I asked LilyWolf if they minded driving me to Topaz' to give them some delicious food, and they were happy to help, so we went and dropped that off. It helped Topaz feel better, thankfully.

When we got back to the house we had tea and coffee and I asked if they'd like to participate in a ritual for drawing connections in (both general and heart-kin) and they were quite enthused about the idea. So I let them copy my spells down, and gathered the necessary items.

I lit a yellow candle for joy, and then turned on some music so that we could raise energy through dance; that was really powerful. At first I was self-conscious but then I just poured myself into the music and gathered emotion from it. I haven't used dance in ritual deliberately before, but I realized that when I danced in church, it was like this. With singular focus, pulling up emotion deliberately, reaching to connect, to open myself for messages. (with this realization I am astounded at how terrible a structure the church service is, building energy that then doesn't get used at all because they go from that to a break where everyone just mills around! At the very least people should be encouraged to end with a prayer that focuses all that energy) As I danced, I felt it shift from just being my body interacting with the sound, to being my emotions interacting with the words, until it became movement that expressed the song as purely as if I was singing it straight out of the initial inspiration. Like a rebirth of the song, through motion.

Next I lit a rainbow candle and LilyWolf and I chanted my spell for drawing in positive connections, and then lit a green candle and together we chanted the spell for drawing heart connections, three times. At some point I lit vetivert incense, and after chanting the spells we just sat and silently meditated until the incense burned out, repeating the spells once more before the end. We took the candles upstairs and let them burn for a while longer until we went to bed. I re-lit them the next day and plan to light them whenever I am at home for a stretch of time. We infused them with the spell so that every flicker of those candles sends out the same intentions.

So far (within 48 hours), there have been five new sprouts of connection. I'm feeling very positive about the effectiveness of this!

2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

( important events in 2011 )

2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

( important events in 2011 )

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )

This weekend I went to Southeast Decompression, a mini-burn being held at The Colaboratory. It was my first burn-type experience and wow... I had such a wild time. I went with Kyle (but ze's a wanderer and so am I so we didn't spend all that much time together) and after a short wander we took our drums from the car and started drumming...

I HAVE drummed in public before but only when there were enough other people around to drown me out -- but this time I just fucking threw myself into it, didn't care at all who heard my mistakes (and there was only one other drum, so people could hear them! and people were right there! and some people were dancing to the beat I was making!) and oh GOD what a feeling. Drumming is in my BLOOD, it's me, and while I wish I was more skilled, I need to just do it anyway (and learn properly later maybe). I got so deeply into it I didn't realize how hard I was hitting or how long it went and I ended up with massive bruises on my hands (which are still hurting a lot two days later). but it was SO worth it.

( learning, drinking! )

and OH! the DANCING! the DJs were amazing and the music just kept calling to me. I love that I've gotten more fit over the summer because I was able to dance and dance until my soul was ready to stop instead of when my body demanded it!!!!!!!! THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY!!! And I danced more freely than ever before and I felt so amazingly present and full of music and the people around me danced just as unselfconsciously. And two days later I still hurt all over my outside upper legs (I suppose my inner thighs get a workout more often, heh) and that just makes me happy.

I'm not sure how much anonymity to give people so I'm going to put all the interactions with people in a separate f-locked post :D If you wanna see it and you're not on my flist, email me (belenen at gmail) and I might send it to you (if I don't know you at all and you've never commented it's unlikely, but if we've interacted somehow I probably will).

This weekend I went to Southeast Decompression, a mini-burn being held at The Colaboratory. It was my first burn-type experience and wow... I had such a wild time. I went with Kyle (but ze's a wanderer and so am I so we didn't spend all that much time together) and after a short wander we took our drums from the car and started drumming...

I HAVE drummed in public before but only when there were enough other people around to drown me out -- but this time I just fucking threw myself into it, didn't care at all who heard my mistakes (and there was only one other drum, so people could hear them! and people were right there! and some people were dancing to the beat I was making!) and oh GOD what a feeling. Drumming is in my BLOOD, it's me, and while I wish I was more skilled, I need to just do it anyway (and learn properly later maybe). I got so deeply into it I didn't realize how hard I was hitting or how long it went and I ended up with massive bruises on my hands (which are still hurting a lot two days later). but it was SO worth it.

( learning, drinking! )

and OH! the DANCING! the DJs were amazing and the music just kept calling to me. I love that I've gotten more fit over the summer because I was able to dance and dance until my soul was ready to stop instead of when my body demanded it!!!!!!!! THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY!!! And I danced more freely than ever before and I felt so amazingly present and full of music and the people around me danced just as unselfconsciously. And two days later I still hurt all over my outside upper legs (I suppose my inner thighs get a workout more often, heh) and that just makes me happy.

I'm not sure how much anonymity to give people so I'm going to put all the interactions with people in a separate f-locked post :D If you wanna see it and you're not on my flist, email me (belenen at gmail) and I might send it to you (if I don't know you at all and you've never commented it's unlikely, but if we've interacted somehow I probably will).

my life has gotten even MORE insannnne and at this point I'm going to have to start posting outlines in order to get anything down. This past timespan has been just... massive. And there is so much I haven't said!

( the 11th through the 21st in list form! )

my life has gotten even MORE insannnne and at this point I'm going to have to start posting outlines in order to get anything down. This past timespan has been just... massive. And there is so much I haven't said!

( the 11th through the 21st in list form! )

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )

So, for the past few years, I've spent a good chunk of summer in high-speed growth -- when Hannah visited or when I visited Hannah. This year that wasn't to be, and I wondered what it would be like to have a summer unmarked by such a time; I still won't know, because these past few weeks have been just as high-speed. I've been running headlong and just barely pulling my feet up fast enough not to fall on my face.

There's just so much that has happened that I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll try and put things in order and then go back and explain bits: ( boring list, just for my own reference )

So, first of all, I'm used to going out three or MAYBE four times a week. I'm pretty much 50/50 introvert/extrovert, and I need my alone time as much as I need my time with others. ( ... )

Also, looking back over this, a lot of the things I've done would have absolutely TERRIFIED the me of three months ago. I'm kinda amazed at myself. I fucking DANCED IN PUBLIC (which I've done before, but not WITH someone, which is a lot scarier to me). I got drunk! I went to a leather bar! I drove in Atlanta quite a few times! I hung out with people who seem intimidatingly cool, and (mostly) wasn't intimidated (heh). I know these things are probably not scary to most people but they certainly were to me. I think there is something behind that (besides the whole recovering-from-social-anxiety thing) -- they're things that I've always thought of as stuff that the 'cool' people do (referring to social status) and I expect rejection because I'm not one of that group. And I stress myself out because I feel like I have to pretend to be something that I'm not. But I think when I'm with Viv it's easier, because ze doesn't ever pretend, ze just is, so I feel like I have permission to be my uncool self even in a 'cool' setting. I kinda hope that the day comes where I am comfortable enough to be publicly uncool all by myself. I'm not there yet but I feel like this is movement towards it, because I'm losing my fear of people-I-admire. (I've never cared about the opinion of most people, but if I admire someone a lot I get painfully self-conscious and sometimes even self-loathing if I can't tell what they think of me)

And you know, I think that I've had these taboos against doing things which I labeled as 'cool.' Some people won't leave the house without being smartly dressed and groomed because to do so would be a violation of their self-image as a person who is always put-together. I've felt that way about doing things like going to clubs/bars/parties and/or drinking because my self-image is a person who Does Not Fit in those places and also Does Not Act Stupid. And I think it's fine to avoid those things if I genuinely don't enjoy them, but to avoid them out of a taboo is limiting. And I do enjoy them, to an extent. When I got drunk, I felt stupid but I also felt expansive and connected. I can feel those things without drinking, of course, but it's interesting to feel them among others who maybe don't have another way of feeling expansive and connected. I think that was what I enjoyed most about the experience, actually -- the sort of breaking down of boundaries among strangers, which I've only felt before at Christian festivals/retreats. I hadn't imagined that there could be something transcendent about getting a little drunk and dancing with strangers, but it felt that way to me, somewhat. It was lovely to feel openness and connectedness among people whom I'd usually feel vast worlds apart from.

( two affirming experiences in one night! )

( Other Lives & Bat For Lashes in concert )

I still have a lot to write about -- developments in my relationships with Viv, lil sis, Ash, B, and eviltwin, but since that will probably be as long as what I've already written I'll break it into another post.

So, for the past few years, I've spent a good chunk of summer in high-speed growth -- when Hannah visited or when I visited Hannah. This year that wasn't to be, and I wondered what it would be like to have a summer unmarked by such a time; I still won't know, because these past few weeks have been just as high-speed. I've been running headlong and just barely pulling my feet up fast enough not to fall on my face.

There's just so much that has happened that I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll try and put things in order and then go back and explain bits: ( boring list, just for my own reference )

So, first of all, I'm used to going out three or MAYBE four times a week. I'm pretty much 50/50 introvert/extrovert, and I need my alone time as much as I need my time with others. ( ... )

Also, looking back over this, a lot of the things I've done would have absolutely TERRIFIED the me of three months ago. I'm kinda amazed at myself. I fucking DANCED IN PUBLIC (which I've done before, but not WITH someone, which is a lot scarier to me). I got drunk! I went to a leather bar! I drove in Atlanta quite a few times! I hung out with people who seem intimidatingly cool, and (mostly) wasn't intimidated (heh). I know these things are probably not scary to most people but they certainly were to me. I think there is something behind that (besides the whole recovering-from-social-anxiety thing) -- they're things that I've always thought of as stuff that the 'cool' people do (referring to social status) and I expect rejection because I'm not one of that group. And I stress myself out because I feel like I have to pretend to be something that I'm not. But I think when I'm with Viv it's easier, because ze doesn't ever pretend, ze just is, so I feel like I have permission to be my uncool self even in a 'cool' setting. I kinda hope that the day comes where I am comfortable enough to be publicly uncool all by myself. I'm not there yet but I feel like this is movement towards it, because I'm losing my fear of people-I-admire. (I've never cared about the opinion of most people, but if I admire someone a lot I get painfully self-conscious and sometimes even self-loathing if I can't tell what they think of me)

And you know, I think that I've had these taboos against doing things which I labeled as 'cool.' Some people won't leave the house without being smartly dressed and groomed because to do so would be a violation of their self-image as a person who is always put-together. I've felt that way about doing things like going to clubs/bars/parties and/or drinking because my self-image is a person who Does Not Fit in those places and also Does Not Act Stupid. And I think it's fine to avoid those things if I genuinely don't enjoy them, but to avoid them out of a taboo is limiting. And I do enjoy them, to an extent. When I got drunk, I felt stupid but I also felt expansive and connected. I can feel those things without drinking, of course, but it's interesting to feel them among others who maybe don't have another way of feeling expansive and connected. I think that was what I enjoyed most about the experience, actually -- the sort of breaking down of boundaries among strangers, which I've only felt before at Christian festivals/retreats. I hadn't imagined that there could be something transcendent about getting a little drunk and dancing with strangers, but it felt that way to me, somewhat. It was lovely to feel openness and connectedness among people whom I'd usually feel vast worlds apart from.

( two affirming experiences in one night! )

( Other Lives & Bat For Lashes in concert )

I still have a lot to write about -- developments in my relationships with Viv, lil sis, Ash, B, and eviltwin, but since that will probably be as long as what I've already written I'll break it into another post.

photos now, words later ;-)

This set is from July 17th, when Viv and I went and got new guitar strings and then ze played for Mare & me & a neighbor who happened by.



( Viv playing guitar )

( lil sis & Ash & I out for coffee & then out with Thursday pagan group )

( to clay cafe pagan meeting w Ash, Viv, & Stuart )

( Viv & Ash & I go out to Le Buzz )

( August 9th we had a lazy morning and I got to take photos of Viv's eyes ♥ )

photos now, words later ;-)

This set is from July 17th, when Viv and I went and got new guitar strings and then ze played for Mare & me & a neighbor who happened by.



( Viv playing guitar )

( lil sis & Ash & I out for coffee & then out with Thursday pagan group )

( to clay cafe pagan meeting w Ash, Viv, & Stuart )

( Viv & Ash & I go out to Le Buzz )

( August 9th we had a lazy morning and I got to take photos of Viv's eyes ♥ )

Seeing Full Radius Dance (with Shel and Ryan and Shel's friend Amber) was just... earthshatteringly amazing. The first performance they did was "Home," a brand new creation exploring the meaning of home. That was wonderful -- I welled up a few times from the sheer beauty of it. It was so complex that I REALLY want to see it again to understand it more. And THEN they performed "Sacred," a piece on "the inviolability of nature, of religious experience, and of human touch" -- now that made me weep to the point of sobbing! Oh my God/dess, I've never seen anything so beautiful. So much passion! so much intensity! so much tenderness! Truly, honestly, the most beautiful creation I have ever witnessed. And it didn't even feel like witnessing. The dancers were so vibrant that I felt a part of what they were weaving even from where I sat! They finished off with "Passione," which was very exciting and intricate, with feats of strength and agility that made me gasp.

I'm so incredibly awed and deeply humbled that I got the chance to witness this. It feels like I should have had to pay more or wait in huge long lines or something, because this is truly spectacular -- I feel like I went for a walk and accidentally walked through a portal into a faery world. I expected it to be lovely, but I didn't expect it to be so overwhelmingly magical!

And you know, I was a little worried that integrating dancers who use wheelchairs would be used as a sort of gimmick, or that they'd be the background dancers, but it absolutely was NOT. Instead, the wheelchairs were used like skates in figure skating -- to create entirely new ways of moving -- and the choreography balanced the wheeled dancers with the non-wheeled perfectly. All of the dancing spoke to me of embracing differences and working WITH them rather than trying to eliminate them. Is there anything more beautiful than that?

I didn't get any good photos or videos, partly because of the lighting and partly because I just couldn't bear to tear my eyes away from the stage. I was too busy experiencing it to observe it. But here's a video someone else made: ( Full Radius Dance: Excerpts from 'Passione' )

If you live anywhere near here and you have $15, go see it today (Sat, 6th) at 2pm or 8pm at 7 Stages Theatre. If you have plans, change them -- it's worth it.

Seeing Full Radius Dance (with Shel and Ryan and Shel's friend Amber) was just... earthshatteringly amazing. The first performance they did was "Home," a brand new creation exploring the meaning of home. That was wonderful -- I welled up a few times from the sheer beauty of it. It was so complex that I REALLY want to see it again to understand it more. And THEN they performed "Sacred," a piece on "the inviolability of nature, of religious experience, and of human touch" -- now that made me weep to the point of sobbing! Oh my God/dess, I've never seen anything so beautiful. So much passion! so much intensity! so much tenderness! Truly, honestly, the most beautiful creation I have ever witnessed. And it didn't even feel like witnessing. The dancers were so vibrant that I felt a part of what they were weaving even from where I sat! They finished off with "Passione," which was very exciting and intricate, with feats of strength and agility that made me gasp.

I'm so incredibly awed and deeply humbled that I got the chance to witness this. It feels like I should have had to pay more or wait in huge long lines or something, because this is truly spectacular -- I feel like I went for a walk and accidentally walked through a portal into a faery world. I expected it to be lovely, but I didn't expect it to be so overwhelmingly magical!

And you know, I was a little worried that integrating dancers who use wheelchairs would be used as a sort of gimmick, or that they'd be the background dancers, but it absolutely was NOT. Instead, the wheelchairs were used like skates in figure skating -- to create entirely new ways of moving -- and the choreography balanced the wheeled dancers with the non-wheeled perfectly. All of the dancing spoke to me of embracing differences and working WITH them rather than trying to eliminate them. Is there anything more beautiful than that?

I didn't get any good photos or videos, partly because of the lighting and partly because I just couldn't bear to tear my eyes away from the stage. I was too busy experiencing it to observe it. But here's a video someone else made: ( Full Radius Dance: Excerpts from 'Passione' )

If you live anywhere near here and you have $15, go see it today (Sat, 6th) at 2pm or 8pm at 7 Stages Theatre. If you have plans, change them -- it's worth it.

It's interesting how breakups motivate me. I suppose when I'm in a relationship, I put more and more energy into it without noticing it, and then when the breakup happens I suddenly realize I have all this energy with no demands on it. Last time I went through a major breakup (with a friend) it lead to a sudden drop in my fear, and this time it has had the same effect. I've been doing things that would have taken so much energy and courage before, and doing them without even thinking twice.

I mentioned how it was difficult for me to go to the pagan meeting last month -- since then I've been out with strangers and/or to new places several times, with less anxiety each time.

( druidic Beltaine ritual )

( borderPagans meetings )

( to the book sale with Ash )

( to the drum circle with Kat K and zir friend Pat, meeting Shel & Ryan )

It's interesting how breakups motivate me. I suppose when I'm in a relationship, I put more and more energy into it without noticing it, and then when the breakup happens I suddenly realize I have all this energy with no demands on it. Last time I went through a major breakup (with a friend) it lead to a sudden drop in my fear, and this time it has had the same effect. I've been doing things that would have taken so much energy and courage before, and doing them without even thinking twice.

I mentioned how it was difficult for me to go to the pagan meeting last month -- since then I've been out with strangers and/or to new places several times, with less anxiety each time.

( druidic Beltaine ritual )

( borderPagans meetings )

( to the book sale with Ash )

( to the drum circle with Kat K and zir friend Pat, meeting Shel & Ryan )

It's interesting how breakups motivate me. I suppose when I'm in a relationship, I put more and more energy into it without noticing it, and then when the breakup happens I suddenly realize I have all this energy with no demands on it. Last time I went through a major breakup (with a friend) it lead to a sudden drop in my fear, and this time it has had the same effect. I've been doing things that would have taken so much energy and courage before, and doing them without even thinking twice.

I mentioned how it was difficult for me to go to the pagan meeting last month -- since then I've been out with strangers and/or to new places several times, with less anxiety each time.

( druidic Beltaine ritual )

( borderPagans meetings )

( to the book sale with Ash )

( to the drum circle with Kat K and zir friend Pat, meeting Shel & Ryan )

Last Saturday I had quite possibly the most amazing night of my life -- top five for sure. I experienced my first drum circle! I've never felt anything like it -- from the very beginning I was thrilled and it just kept getting better and better the whole time! There was such a sense of unity and openness. We were creating something together without anyone leading -- that is the essence of my faith. Being there was a transformative and deeply spiritual experience for me. I've never felt so alive and in love with life! I wanted to hug everyone, and I felt like I was hugging everyone. I CANNOT wait to have my own drum -- or even to bring a pot to bang my feet on!

I brought Ialu and I'm glad I did, but next time I intend to leave zir at home -- it's too dark to get any really good photos and my worries about zir (damage from the heat or vibrations, theft) kept me from fully entering in. Even so, it was SO INCREDIBLE. I thumped my feet on the ground and my hands on my legs, danced with hands and shoulders and waist (while sitting because I didn't want to leave my camera or jounce zir around). Oh... it was so amazing!

replete with rhythm
concerns thumped into the earth
glowing; connected



( photos (mostly fuzzy and dark but there you go!) )

Last Saturday I had quite possibly the most amazing night of my life -- top five for sure. I experienced my first drum circle! I've never felt anything like it -- from the very beginning I was thrilled and it just kept getting better and better the whole time! There was such a sense of unity and openness. We were creating something together without anyone leading -- that is the essence of my faith. Being there was a transformative and deeply spiritual experience for me. I've never felt so alive and in love with life! I wanted to hug everyone, and I felt like I was hugging everyone. I CANNOT wait to have my own drum -- or even to bring a pot to bang my feet on!

I brought Ialu and I'm glad I did, but next time I intend to leave zir at home -- it's too dark to get any really good photos and my worries about zir (damage from the heat or vibrations, theft) kept me from fully entering in. Even so, it was SO INCREDIBLE. I thumped my feet on the ground and my hands on my legs, danced with hands and shoulders and waist (while sitting because I didn't want to leave my camera or jounce zir around). Oh... it was so amazing!

replete with rhythm
concerns thumped into the earth
glowing; connected



( photos (mostly fuzzy and dark but there you go!) )

Last Saturday I had quite possibly the most amazing night of my life -- top five for sure. I experienced my first drum circle! I've never felt anything like it -- from the very beginning I was thrilled and it just kept getting better and better the whole time! There was such a sense of unity and openness. We were creating something together without anyone leading -- that is the essence of my faith. Being there was a transformative and deeply spiritual experience for me. I've never felt so alive and in love with life! I wanted to hug everyone, and I felt like I was hugging everyone. I CANNOT wait to have my own drum -- or even to bring a pot to bang my feet on!

I brought Ialu and I'm glad I did, but next time I intend to leave zir at home -- it's too dark to get any really good photos and my worries about zir (damage from the heat or vibrations, theft) kept me from fully entering in. Even so, it was SO INCREDIBLE. I thumped my feet on the ground and my hands on my legs, danced with hands and shoulders and waist (while sitting because I didn't want to leave my camera or jounce zir around). Oh... it was so amazing!

replete with rhythm
concerns thumped into the earth
glowing; connected



( photos (mostly fuzzy and dark but there you go!) )

Not sure if you'll be able to see this, but this video absolutely breaks my heart. Some of you may remember the Rachel I spoke of here and here... in case you can't see the video, it's of zir dancing. I just sent zir a message saying "...I saw the video of you dancing to Citizen Cope's "Sideways" and it has haunted me ever since. Something about the rawness of your dancing just spoke to me in a way I can't really articulate... It made me cry and filled me with this intense longing. The way you communicate with dance is profoundly beautiful... heart-wrenching. I just had to tell you because I couldn't get it off my mind."

Have you ever met someone and just felt, at the deepest level, that you could understand them through and through? I don't even necessarily think that ze would understand me, but I feel like I would understand zir. It's completely different than any other connection I've felt... I don't even know what to call it. I don't think ze and I are on the same path at all, but still... just like ten years ago, the things that ze says without speaking pierce me to the core. It took quite a lot for me to send that... I wasn't even going to try to contact zir but I just kept being drawn back to that video until I sent a message.

Not sure if you'll be able to see this, but this video absolutely breaks my heart. Some of you may remember the Rachel I spoke of here and here... in case you can't see the video, it's of zir dancing. I just sent zir a message saying "...I saw the video of you dancing to Citizen Cope's "Sideways" and it has haunted me ever since. Something about the rawness of your dancing just spoke to me in a way I can't really articulate... It made me cry and filled me with this intense longing. The way you communicate with dance is profoundly beautiful... heart-wrenching. I just had to tell you because I couldn't get it off my mind."

Have you ever met someone and just felt, at the deepest level, that you could understand them through and through? I don't even necessarily think that ze would understand me, but I feel like I would understand zir. It's completely different than any other connection I've felt... I don't even know what to call it. I don't think ze and I are on the same path at all, but still... just like ten years ago, the things that ze says without speaking pierce me to the core. It took quite a lot for me to send that... I wasn't even going to try to contact zir but I just kept being drawn back to that video until I sent a message.

The last full day of Aurilion's visit we woke up late and went to Longhorn's (as Aurilion was craving steak). That was a rather surreal experience, as I was wearing a scent which GLOWED to Aurilion (BPAL's 'Chimera' which should have been called 'Bastet' as it is golden honey lusciousness and reminds me so strongly of that deity) but we were separated by this giant table that we could hardly reach across. When we left, it was like the clink of two magnets finally released to join. We went home and I put makeup/magic on us! eeee I was absolutely enraptured with Aurilion in such colors, they expressed zir faeness so brilliantly! We had been planning to go to Red Top Mountain but it was getting too late so we went to the park again instead, and had the most beautiful time exploring and taking photos.



( portraits of Aurilion )

( photos of Aurilion and I together, plus a video )

( photos and a video of Aurilion weaving magic )

The last full day of Aurilion's visit we woke up late and went to Longhorn's (as Aurilion was craving steak). That was a rather surreal experience, as I was wearing a scent which GLOWED to Aurilion (BPAL's 'Chimera' which should have been called 'Bastet' as it is golden honey lusciousness and reminds me so strongly of that deity) but we were separated by this giant table that we could hardly reach across. When we left, it was like the clink of two magnets finally released to join. We went home and I put makeup/magic on us! eeee I was absolutely enraptured with Aurilion in such colors, they expressed zir faeness so brilliantly! We had been planning to go to Red Top Mountain but it was getting too late so we went to the park again instead, and had the most beautiful time exploring and taking photos.



( portraits of Aurilion )

( photos of Aurilion and I together, plus a video )

( photos and a video of Aurilion weaving magic )

The last full day of Aurilion's visit we woke up late and went to Longhorn's (as Aurilion was craving steak). That was a rather surreal experience, as I was wearing a scent which GLOWED to Aurilion (BPAL's 'Chimera' which should have been called 'Bastet' as it is golden honey lusciousness and reminds me so strongly of that deity) but we were separated by this giant table that we could hardly reach across. When we left, it was like the clink of two magnets finally released to join. We went home and I put makeup/magic on us! eeee I was absolutely enraptured with Aurilion in such colors, they expressed zir faeness so brilliantly! We had been planning to go to Red Top Mountain but it was getting too late so we went to the park again instead, and had the most beautiful time exploring and taking photos.



( portraits of Aurilion )

( photos of Aurilion and I together, plus a video )

( photos and a video of Aurilion weaving magic )

I've decided to start sharing the art that so inspires me! Every Friday I'll post art -- photography, painting, music, dance, poetry -- by people who inspire me. I'll start off doing themes for a while and after I've mostly caught up I'll switch to posting recent inspirations. This week (this counts as Friday for me because I haven't gone to bed yet!):

Bellydance!

My two favorite bellydancers:
Roya & Shiva

(don't ask me why lj put them in a scrollbox but I guess you can only watch one at a time anyway)
if you can't get the embedded vids to work, here are the direct links:

Roya: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89PQqSXawJA
Shiva: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oR1ZATJt38o

Every time I hit play on either of these I get sucked in and have to watch all the way through! (or most of the way through Shiva's -- dayum, he's got some stamina!) With Roya, WOW. Belly dancing is so second-nature to her that she plays with it! If you've never tried it you've no idea what an accomplishment that is. And she always smiles! all the way through! She takes so much joy in what she does. I love her veil-work and I love how she makes use of the whole space in her choreography and really moves around, yet still manages all those isolations. A lot of bellydance videos I watch involve the dancer staying in the same 4-foot circle, hardly using the legs at all -- not so with Roya! I love all the freedom that comes in her dance-running around. She doesn't really seem to perform so much as just play around and cheerfully share with whomever wants to watch. I could easily see her dancing around a fire.

Shiva -- WOW. I'm so impressed that he dances so fluidly! I think the male and/or slender body is not as easily suited to some of the movements in bellydance -- shimmies for instance -- but he does it all, seemingly without effort! Those belly rolls! DAYUM! I love the creativity of his costume -- no self-consciousness, not trying to be 'feminine' or 'masculine' but just being decorative. The headscarf is a really great touch, and I love the makeup. And he also makes use of the whole space! and OMG that backbend while shimmying?? I can't even freaking IMAGINE! oooh, and I love how he grins and waves on the cheers when balancing the length of the cane on his hip!

Also, Roya & Shiva are quite possibly the two sexiest beings in the universe. They're just so in-tune and ALIVE and sensual and free! It is a lifetime goal of mine to see them both perform live -- which means going to San Francisco and Sydney, Australia. Yay!

And I have to add a bellydance artist who doesn't bellydance: the photographer Michael Baxter. His photographs are beyond stunning! Under the cut are 6 he took of Roya, followed by 11 of other artists.



( gorgeous photographs by Michael Baxter )

I've decided to start sharing the art that so inspires me! Every Friday I'll post art -- photography, painting, music, dance, poetry -- by people who inspire me. I'll start off doing themes for a while and after I've mostly caught up I'll switch to posting recent inspirations. This week (this counts as Friday for me because I haven't gone to bed yet!):

Bellydance!

My two favorite bellydancers:
Roya & Shiva

(don't ask me why lj put them in a scrollbox but I guess you can only watch one at a time anyway)
if you can't get the embedded vids to work, here are the direct links:

Roya: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89PQqSXawJA
Shiva: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oR1ZATJt38o

Every time I hit play on either of these I get sucked in and have to watch all the way through! (or most of the way through Shiva's -- dayum, he's got some stamina!) With Roya, WOW. Belly dancing is so second-nature to her that she plays with it! If you've never tried it you've no idea what an accomplishment that is. And she always smiles! all the way through! She takes so much joy in what she does. I love her veil-work and I love how she makes use of the whole space in her choreography and really moves around, yet still manages all those isolations. A lot of bellydance videos I watch involve the dancer staying in the same 4-foot circle, hardly using the legs at all -- not so with Roya! I love all the freedom that comes in her dance-running around. She doesn't really seem to perform so much as just play around and cheerfully share with whomever wants to watch. I could easily see her dancing around a fire.

Shiva -- WOW. I'm so impressed that he dances so fluidly! I think the male and/or slender body is not as easily suited to some of the movements in bellydance -- shimmies for instance -- but he does it all, seemingly without effort! Those belly rolls! DAYUM! I love the creativity of his costume -- no self-consciousness, not trying to be 'feminine' or 'masculine' but just being decorative. The headscarf is a really great touch, and I love the makeup. And he also makes use of the whole space! and OMG that backbend while shimmying?? I can't even freaking IMAGINE! oooh, and I love how he grins and waves on the cheers when balancing the length of the cane on his hip!

Also, Roya & Shiva are quite possibly the two sexiest beings in the universe. They're just so in-tune and ALIVE and sensual and free! It is a lifetime goal of mine to see them both perform live -- which means going to San Francisco and Sydney, Australia. Yay!

And I have to add a bellydance artist who doesn't bellydance: the photographer Michael Baxter. His photographs are beyond stunning! Under the cut are 6 he took of Roya, followed by 11 of other artists.



( gorgeous photographs by Michael Baxter )

I've decided to start sharing the art that so inspires me! Every Friday I'll post art -- photography, painting, music, dance, poetry -- by people who inspire me. I'll start off doing themes for a while and after I've mostly caught up I'll switch to posting recent inspirations. This week (this counts as Friday for me because I haven't gone to bed yet!):

Bellydance!

My two favorite bellydancers:
Roya & Shiva

(don't ask me why lj put them in a scrollbox but I guess you can only watch one at a time anyway)
if you can't get the embedded vids to work, here are the direct links:

Roya: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89PQqSXawJA
Shiva: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oR1ZATJt38o

Every time I hit play on either of these I get sucked in and have to watch all the way through! (or most of the way through Shiva's -- dayum, he's got some stamina!) With Roya, WOW. Belly dancing is so second-nature to her that she plays with it! If you've never tried it you've no idea what an accomplishment that is. And she always smiles! all the way through! She takes so much joy in what she does. I love her veil-work and I love how she makes use of the whole space in her choreography and really moves around, yet still manages all those isolations. A lot of bellydance videos I watch involve the dancer staying in the same 4-foot circle, hardly using the legs at all -- not so with Roya! I love all the freedom that comes in her dance-running around. She doesn't really seem to perform so much as just play around and cheerfully share with whomever wants to watch. I could easily see her dancing around a fire.

Shiva -- WOW. I'm so impressed that he dances so fluidly! I think the male and/or slender body is not as easily suited to some of the movements in bellydance -- shimmies for instance -- but he does it all, seemingly without effort! Those belly rolls! DAYUM! I love the creativity of his costume -- no self-consciousness, not trying to be 'feminine' or 'masculine' but just being decorative. The headscarf is a really great touch, and I love the makeup. And he also makes use of the whole space! and OMG that backbend while shimmying?? I can't even freaking IMAGINE! oooh, and I love how he grins and waves on the cheers when balancing the length of the cane on his hip!

Also, Roya & Shiva are quite possibly the two sexiest beings in the universe. They're just so in-tune and ALIVE and sensual and free! It is a lifetime goal of mine to see them both perform live -- which means going to San Francisco and Sydney, Australia. Yay!

And I have to add a bellydance artist who doesn't bellydance: the photographer Michael Baxter. His photographs are beyond stunning! Under the cut are 6 he took of Roya, followed by 11 of other artists.



( gorgeous photographs by Michael Baxter )

I have the best friends ever. Seriously, sometimes I feel sorry for everyone who isn't me, 'cause they don't have all of my wonderful friends... and that's why I like to hook them up and make them befriend each other, 'cause I don't want to have all the wonderfulness to myself. Anyway.

jedibubbles and I went out and spent the day together. First we went to the local coffeehouse to sit on the green couch and talk about everything... that couch isn't even ours but it already holds so many memories... And I paid for my coffee with change! 'Cause Ben and I are that broke right now.

After a few hours, we went to my favorite Mexican restaurant (most of the waiters know me by now, as well they should 'cause I'm always dragging my friends there, and when it's Ben and I we hugely overtip) 'cause she insisted on buying me dinner. *kisses at Del* And this after alariya took me there earlier this week! I feel so amazingly blessed.

Oh and 'cause it was Thursday they had the traditional Mexican band playing (in full costume) and they stopped by our table and played for us, and tried to get us to dance -- jedibubbles got up right away, but I felt too self-conscious and I'm weird about dancing in front of people, so at first I said no, and then a different musician tried to take my hand and pull me up, but I refused. Then I sat there thinking to myself, why the hell aren't you getting up? You know you'd love to. The real you would do it with no hesitation at all. But I couldn't bring myself to just get up -- and then one of the musicians encouraged me again and finally I got up and danced! Then of course I was disappointed that I had missed out on most of the song, but I was SO proud of myself -- dancing with people watching has always been something that was very hard for me to do. (unless it's worship, then I am not even aware of other people's existence) VERY hard. So this marks a change in me -- before I'd have beat myself up about not having the guts to do it, but there's no way I'd have gotten up. I probably didn't look that great, because I was so nervous at first, and just as I got comfortable dancing, the song was over -- and then I was literally shaking afterwards. But I did it! It really helped that Del was so free and unafraid; I didn't feel like she'd judge me.

Sometimes I think the greatest gifts are the ones we don't even know we're giving.

I have the best friends ever. Seriously, sometimes I feel sorry for everyone who isn't me, 'cause they don't have all of my wonderful friends... and that's why I like to hook them up and make them befriend each other, 'cause I don't want to have all the wonderfulness to myself. Anyway.

jedibubbles and I went out and spent the day together. First we went to the local coffeehouse to sit on the green couch and talk about everything... that couch isn't even ours but it already holds so many memories... And I paid for my coffee with change! 'Cause Ben and I are that broke right now.

After a few hours, we went to my favorite Mexican restaurant (most of the waiters know me by now, as well they should 'cause I'm always dragging my friends there, and when it's Ben and I we hugely overtip) 'cause she insisted on buying me dinner. *kisses at Del* And this after alariya took me there earlier this week! I feel so amazingly blessed.

Oh and 'cause it was Thursday they had the traditional Mexican band playing (in full costume) and they stopped by our table and played for us, and tried to get us to dance -- jedibubbles got up right away, but I felt too self-conscious and I'm weird about dancing in front of people, so at first I said no, and then a different musician tried to take my hand and pull me up, but I refused. Then I sat there thinking to myself, why the hell aren't you getting up? You know you'd love to. The real you would do it with no hesitation at all. But I couldn't bring myself to just get up -- and then one of the musicians encouraged me again and finally I got up and danced! Then of course I was disappointed that I had missed out on most of the song, but I was SO proud of myself -- dancing with people watching has always been something that was very hard for me to do. (unless it's worship, then I am not even aware of other people's existence) VERY hard. So this marks a change in me -- before I'd have beat myself up about not having the guts to do it, but there's no way I'd have gotten up. I probably didn't look that great, because I was so nervous at first, and just as I got comfortable dancing, the song was over -- and then I was literally shaking afterwards. But I did it! It really helped that Del was so free and unafraid; I didn't feel like she'd judge me.

Sometimes I think the greatest gifts are the ones we don't even know we're giving.

I have the best friends ever. Seriously, sometimes I feel sorry for everyone who isn't me, 'cause they don't have all of my wonderful friends... and that's why I like to hook them up and make them befriend each other, 'cause I don't want to have all the wonderfulness to myself. Anyway.

jedibubbles and I went out and spent the day together. First we went to the local coffeehouse to sit on the green couch and talk about everything... that couch isn't even ours but it already holds so many memories... And I paid for my coffee with change! 'Cause Ben and I are that broke right now.

After a few hours, we went to my favorite Mexican restaurant (most of the waiters know me by now, as well they should 'cause I'm always dragging my friends there, and when it's Ben and I we hugely overtip) 'cause she insisted on buying me dinner. *kisses at Del* And this after alariya took me there earlier this week! I feel so amazingly blessed.

Oh and 'cause it was Thursday they had the traditional Mexican band playing (in full costume) and they stopped by our table and played for us, and tried to get us to dance -- jedibubbles got up right away, but I felt too self-conscious and I'm weird about dancing in front of people, so at first I said no, and then a different musician tried to take my hand and pull me up, but I refused. Then I sat there thinking to myself, why the hell aren't you getting up? You know you'd love to. The real you would do it with no hesitation at all. But I couldn't bring myself to just get up -- and then one of the musicians encouraged me again and finally I got up and danced! Then of course I was disappointed that I had missed out on most of the song, but I was SO proud of myself -- dancing with people watching has always been something that was very hard for me to do. (unless it's worship, then I am not even aware of other people's existence) VERY hard. So this marks a change in me -- before I'd have beat myself up about not having the guts to do it, but there's no way I'd have gotten up. I probably didn't look that great, because I was so nervous at first, and just as I got comfortable dancing, the song was over -- and then I was literally shaking afterwards. But I did it! It really helped that Del was so free and unafraid; I didn't feel like she'd judge me.

Sometimes I think the greatest gifts are the ones we don't even know we're giving.

I was in a theatre, watching bellydancers get ready to perform. I hadn't realized that we (the troope I was apparently part of) was scheduled to perform right then, because I had missed the last class, when the others rehearsed and decided on the day of the show. I didn't even have a costume, but the other dancers pulled me into place as we were posing for photos beforehand. Then Patricia came along, saw me, and got very irate, taking me by the arm and pulling me away from the others. She demanded to know why I wasn't dressed, and I told her that I 'forgot' my costume. I was relieved that she had pulled me out, because I didn't feel like I could really perform anyway. But then she picked up a thing of fabric, cut off a length, and told me to go change and use that for my cape. I went into the bathroom and took off my clothes, putting on my skirt (which was the only costume thing I owned) and the length of fabric. Then I realized I didn't have a bra (as in bellydancing top), and I went to find Patricia. She was irritated with me, and pulled out another length of fabric, cut it, and told me to wear that as a bra. I was very unhappy that she gave me first tan and then red (when my skirt was purple) which would clash and look ugly -- especially since there were really pretty blue and purple fabrics sitting on the same counter. But I felt like I deserved it for not being ready, so I didn't protest or even ask for the pretty colors. I just put the other ones on and then the dream ended.

I was in a theatre, watching bellydancers get ready to perform. I hadn't realized that we (the troope I was apparently part of) was scheduled to perform right then, because I had missed the last class, when the others rehearsed and decided on the day of the show. I didn't even have a costume, but the other dancers pulled me into place as we were posing for photos beforehand. Then Patricia came along, saw me, and got very irate, taking me by the arm and pulling me away from the others. She demanded to know why I wasn't dressed, and I told her that I 'forgot' my costume. I was relieved that she had pulled me out, because I didn't feel like I could really perform anyway. But then she picked up a thing of fabric, cut off a length, and told me to go change and use that for my cape. I went into the bathroom and took off my clothes, putting on my skirt (which was the only costume thing I owned) and the length of fabric. Then I realized I didn't have a bra (as in bellydancing top), and I went to find Patricia. She was irritated with me, and pulled out another length of fabric, cut it, and told me to wear that as a bra. I was very unhappy that she gave me first tan and then red (when my skirt was purple) which would clash and look ugly -- especially since there were really pretty blue and purple fabrics sitting on the same counter. But I felt like I deserved it for not being ready, so I didn't protest or even ask for the pretty colors. I just put the other ones on and then the dream ended.

Saturday was exhausting... I'm still recovering from it. I got up early, went to counseling, then to bellydance, then came home and had sex, then went to church, and then went out with Del and Joe... And amazingly, I didn't lose energy until about 1 am.

So, this time at counseling, we realized that I had never broken soul ties with my perpetrators. I should explain that. I believe that every time you have sexual activity with someone, there is at least a small amount of transference, and a bond of some sort is formed. And that happens regardless of how meaningless the sex is... So basically, parts of my soul were wandering around with those people who molested/raped/whatevered me. So we prayed over it, and she took authority and broke the soul ties, and then prayed that God would gather those parts of me and bring them back to make me whole. I immediately felt lighter. It amazes me that we didn't do that a long time ago... it's such a basic step. I'm very glad that I'm no longer connected with those people, I feel like those connections had held me back many times... It was a short session, only 45 minutes or so (instead of the usual 90-120 minutes), but she felt God saying that was the point of the session, so we wrapped it up.

Before we left, I showed her my jewelry site on the computer in the office, and she oohed and ahhed, but she was at least as impressed with my html skills as my jewelry -- I wasn't sure whether to be flattered or miffed. ;-) (I chose to be flattered.)

She usually gives me a ride to bellydancing, but since it was a short session, she decided to go get lunch, and she asked if she could get me something -- she bought me lunch and a starbucks frapp, yummmmy. I always feel guilty though, accepting gifts like that. I wish I could just believe that the person offering is doing it sincerely, and accept it with ease.

On our way there, I asked Patricia how she got into dancing, and she told me that she had loved dancing ever since she was a little kid and she saw her first dancer -- a stripper at a burlesque show. The way she told that story convinced me that she would not have a problem with nude modeling and would quite likely be supportive. I didn't have the opportunity to talk to her about it yet, but I have definitely decided to.

( at bellydancing )

( sex )

( out with Del and Joe )

Saturday was exhausting... I'm still recovering from it. I got up early, went to counseling, then to bellydance, then came home and had sex, then went to church, and then went out with Del and Joe... And amazingly, I didn't lose energy until about 1 am.

So, this time at counseling, we realized that I had never broken soul ties with my perpetrators. I should explain that. I believe that every time you have sexual activity with someone, there is at least a small amount of transference, and a bond of some sort is formed. And that happens regardless of how meaningless the sex is... So basically, parts of my soul were wandering around with those people who molested/raped/whatevered me. So we prayed over it, and she took authority and broke the soul ties, and then prayed that God would gather those parts of me and bring them back to make me whole. I immediately felt lighter. It amazes me that we didn't do that a long time ago... it's such a basic step. I'm very glad that I'm no longer connected with those people, I feel like those connections had held me back many times... It was a short session, only 45 minutes or so (instead of the usual 90-120 minutes), but she felt God saying that was the point of the session, so we wrapped it up.

Before we left, I showed her my jewelry site on the computer in the office, and she oohed and ahhed, but she was at least as impressed with my html skills as my jewelry -- I wasn't sure whether to be flattered or miffed. ;-) (I chose to be flattered.)

She usually gives me a ride to bellydancing, but since it was a short session, she decided to go get lunch, and she asked if she could get me something -- she bought me lunch and a starbucks frapp, yummmmy. I always feel guilty though, accepting gifts like that. I wish I could just believe that the person offering is doing it sincerely, and accept it with ease.

On our way there, I asked Patricia how she got into dancing, and she told me that she had loved dancing ever since she was a little kid and she saw her first dancer -- a stripper at a burlesque show. The way she told that story convinced me that she would not have a problem with nude modeling and would quite likely be supportive. I didn't have the opportunity to talk to her about it yet, but I have definitely decided to.

( at bellydancing )

( sex )

( out with Del and Joe )

When I said that my day (saturday) was life-changing, I meant it, I wasn't being flippant. Okay, long day, lots of spirit changes -- first at counseling, then bellydancing, then church.

At counseling, Patricia and I started by picking apart the dream that I had after the last session, about three different houses, the open, breezy, beautiful one where I was naked and open and utterly content in my hispanic family; the house I lived in with my parents where ALL the memories pretend to be, even if they happened at a different time; and the skeleton of a house with an evil foundation. ( ... ) She explained that not all the parts of me want what I want. Some parts hate the fact that I didn't die (and still want to die), some parts hate God, some parts refuse to enjoy life, etc. And she said that God has given me authority over all parts of me, and I need to take authority and use it. So she gave me a thing to say, not a prayer or a mantra but similar, where I take authority over all parts of me and command the parts that don't know God to be silent and not interfere in my life. It's not a permanent solution, just something to keep me from warring against myself until I am one person. I said it, you know, but I didn't expect much of a result.

We also talked about my wish for parents ( ... )

Then I went to bellydancing, and oh-my-gosh. There was such a huge difference in my body's ability to connect with my spirit/mind. I mean, last time was horrible, I could see and comprehend but could not do. And part of it was this time I gave myself permission to fail, permission to not do it perfectly the first time -- but the huge difference was because of taking authority over myself. There was part of me that interfered with everything I did, and that part was forced to be quiet and stop blocking my dance. This time I danced in the in-between times, totally not caring if I was doing it wrong or if the other girls were looking. My body, my spirit, was so much more free, so much more alive.

And after that I went to church, and PJ gave an awesome sermon -- my favorite part was when he validated my feelings and current goal in life -- transparency. He said, point-blank, that transparency is something we should all strive for. That privacy is not something we should strive to protect. I was so excited, I clapped and cheered (no, I ain't kidding -- in my church nobody turns and looks at you funny if you do stuff like that). I think I was the only one thrilled with that declaration, though. Even the other "high I's" (extroverted hyper personality type) just kinda took it in -- but then I wasn't really paying attention to everyone else, so maybe some others were excited too. I'm so sick of the religious mindset that we're all supposed to hide most of ourselves and only share the 10% that we think others will consider 'worthy.' I'm delighted with PJ for saying otherwise.

I am strong, I am beautiful, I am true.

When I said that my day (saturday) was life-changing, I meant it, I wasn't being flippant. Okay, long day, lots of spirit changes -- first at counseling, then bellydancing, then church.

At counseling, Patricia and I started by picking apart the dream that I had after the last session, about three different houses, the open, breezy, beautiful one where I was naked and open and utterly content in my hispanic family; the house I lived in with my parents where ALL the memories pretend to be, even if they happened at a different time; and the skeleton of a house with an evil foundation. ( ... ) She explained that not all the parts of me want what I want. Some parts hate the fact that I didn't die (and still want to die), some parts hate God, some parts refuse to enjoy life, etc. And she said that God has given me authority over all parts of me, and I need to take authority and use it. So she gave me a thing to say, not a prayer or a mantra but similar, where I take authority over all parts of me and command the parts that don't know God to be silent and not interfere in my life. It's not a permanent solution, just something to keep me from warring against myself until I am one person. I said it, you know, but I didn't expect much of a result.

We also talked about my wish for parents ( ... )

Then I went to bellydancing, and oh-my-gosh. There was such a huge difference in my body's ability to connect with my spirit/mind. I mean, last time was horrible, I could see and comprehend but could not do. And part of it was this time I gave myself permission to fail, permission to not do it perfectly the first time -- but the huge difference was because of taking authority over myself. There was part of me that interfered with everything I did, and that part was forced to be quiet and stop blocking my dance. This time I danced in the in-between times, totally not caring if I was doing it wrong or if the other girls were looking. My body, my spirit, was so much more free, so much more alive.

And after that I went to church, and PJ gave an awesome sermon -- my favorite part was when he validated my feelings and current goal in life -- transparency. He said, point-blank, that transparency is something we should all strive for. That privacy is not something we should strive to protect. I was so excited, I clapped and cheered (no, I ain't kidding -- in my church nobody turns and looks at you funny if you do stuff like that). I think I was the only one thrilled with that declaration, though. Even the other "high I's" (extroverted hyper personality type) just kinda took it in -- but then I wasn't really paying attention to everyone else, so maybe some others were excited too. I'm so sick of the religious mindset that we're all supposed to hide most of ourselves and only share the 10% that we think others will consider 'worthy.' I'm delighted with PJ for saying otherwise.

I am strong, I am beautiful, I am true.

The other day at bellydancing I was just so fucking clumsy and inept that I wanted to quit. I was going to go through with it anyway ('cause I can't stand being a quitter), but I had given up hope on it being fun, given up hope on being good at it. I started watching the clock hoping for class to be over.... anyway, after class I changed and went back to get my mat, and Patricia (did I mention that my counselor is also my bellydance teacher? yeah, she was a professional belly dancer for years) stopped me and told me I was doing really well -- I gave her a 'yeah, right' look and she insisted that I was, that I had improved a lot. I thought to myself, "improving from worthless to lousy isn't what I had in mind." Then she asked if I was okay, and I shook my head, so she took me in the other room and asked what was wrong.

I told her that I was upset that I couldn't do it, and tried to explain how I felt. My core, my 'true self,' the person that I am that has no name I know, the person that I was created to be, she is a dancer. She's incredible, when she dances it's felt in the spirit world. Her dancing is like praying, only more powerful... Or at least, that's what I think, that's what I hope. I can handle the idea that I am broken, and so that part of me does not work right now -- but the idea that that is not a part of me kills me. And that's my fear.

Now I know that some of my ineptitude is mere lack of training. But that's not all, I know it. There is something else holding me back -- either my body and my spirit aren't connecting right, or I simply suck at dancing. Both are incredibly painful -- but at least the first is fixable.

Patricia told me that I could come 30 minutes early and she'd work with me alone. !!! For free. And she hugged me and said she loved me.

I'm in danger of loving her, and I don't want to love her because I know I will get too attached and want to adopt her as my mother. I know I shouldn't, but my inner self doesn't give a shit about shouldn't. I never got to be a kid, I was a parent from the time I was 6 years old, and I want a parent, and I want to be a kid. Last session she tried to get me to let go and cry, she offered to hold me, and I knew it would help so much, but I couldn't. Because I would take it too much to heart.

--------

It was raining the other day, and I turned off all the lights and lay down on the floor with the front door open, watching the rain and wind and listening, breathing the soft little whirls of air... and I wished I had someone who would feel that with me, really feel it the way I was feeling it, live it. I know Kaylene would have, but I can't really imagine anyone else being able to. It made me miss her, but not in a painful way, just wistfully... I don't think anyone will ever fill the void she left in my life, and I don't want them to -- but I do want someone who can connect with me in some of the same places. Glisten, I miss you.