"Phoenix" by Richard Powers:



After 2007, a year I called "waiting in dim light," 2008 was a year of incredible exploration and growth! Like the phoenix dying, I suffered through the beginning of the year, and like the phoenix reborn, in a short time my life just EXPLODED into a firework display of astoundingly intense experiences. Looking over this year in order to write it up, I realized that just the bare summaries of everything make for a intense read. In fact, I can hardly believe that all this happened in the same year.

I intended to make this year the year of risk-taking, the year in which I sought to build my physical fearlessness. Instead, it was the year of faith-building, and I built my spiritual fearlessness, which I hadn't even realized was something I could grow in. Through my relationship/connection with Aurilion, my oh-so-brief triads with Aurilion & Hannah and then Hannah & Nick (both of which lasted a day), reading The Secret Life of Plants, A Door Into Ocean, Talks With Trees, and several Michael Roads books, experiencing connection with myself, with trees, and with people in a way far deeper than ever before, learning to believe in myself... there is far too much to sum up, even. It's like the entire universe conspired to bring my spirituality from tentative theory into wild bold practice! and whyyyyy might that be? read this -- "Thank you God/dess for so many wonderful gifts this year! It has been the best of my life so far! So much growth and love and newness ♥ I know you more in all your forms. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and sending me myriad encouraging messages. Thank you for telling me some of your Names. Thank you for enlightening me and guiding me, and most of all for showing me so much love!" all of that happened. I got chills when I re-read it, writing this. And I wrote it originally in an almost-silly frame of mind, trying to come up with the most effusive stuff -- but writing it opened up the door for all that to flood into my life. and. it. did. I rather blushingly included finding a girlfriend/having new lovers, without having even the slightest possibilities in mind, and -- it happened! Yet another astoundingly faith-building happening, on top of all the others. And yet I feel like I've just begun believing. I don't yet know what my goal for 2009 will be but I know I'll be writing another gratitude-in-advance letter!

in 2007's summary I said "I want to come out of [2008] feeling like I have a handful of jewels, not just three or four." haha! Now I laugh at how puny a handful is compared to the arms-full-and-running-over that it turned out to be.

( important events in 2008, tenses go a bit haywire, sorry )

"Phoenix" by Richard Powers:



After 2007, a year I called "waiting in dim light," 2008 was a year of incredible exploration and growth! Like the phoenix dying, I suffered through the beginning of the year, and like the phoenix reborn, in a short time my life just EXPLODED into a firework display of astoundingly intense experiences. Looking over this year in order to write it up, I realized that just the bare summaries of everything make for a intense read. In fact, I can hardly believe that all this happened in the same year.

I intended to make this year the year of risk-taking, the year in which I sought to build my physical fearlessness. Instead, it was the year of faith-building, and I built my spiritual fearlessness, which I hadn't even realized was something I could grow in. Through my relationship/connection with Aurilion, my oh-so-brief triads with Aurilion & Hannah and then Hannah & Nick (both of which lasted a day), reading The Secret Life of Plants, A Door Into Ocean, Talks With Trees, and several Michael Roads books, experiencing connection with myself, with trees, and with people in a way far deeper than ever before, learning to believe in myself... there is far too much to sum up, even. It's like the entire universe conspired to bring my spirituality from tentative theory into wild bold practice! and whyyyyy might that be? read this -- "Thank you God/dess for so many wonderful gifts this year! It has been the best of my life so far! So much growth and love and newness ♥ I know you more in all your forms. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and sending me myriad encouraging messages. Thank you for telling me some of your Names. Thank you for enlightening me and guiding me, and most of all for showing me so much love!" all of that happened. I got chills when I re-read it, writing this. And I wrote it originally in an almost-silly frame of mind, trying to come up with the most effusive stuff -- but writing it opened up the door for all that to flood into my life. and. it. did. I rather blushingly included finding a girlfriend/having new lovers, without having even the slightest possibilities in mind, and -- it happened! Yet another astoundingly faith-building happening, on top of all the others. And yet I feel like I've just begun believing. I don't yet know what my goal for 2009 will be but I know I'll be writing another gratitude-in-advance letter!

in 2007's summary I said "I want to come out of [2008] feeling like I have a handful of jewels, not just three or four." haha! Now I laugh at how puny a handful is compared to the arms-full-and-running-over that it turned out to be.

( important events in 2008, tenses go a bit haywire, sorry )

"Phoenix" by Richard Powers:



After 2007, a year I called "waiting in dim light," 2008 was a year of incredible exploration and growth! Like the phoenix dying, I suffered through the beginning of the year, and like the phoenix reborn, in a short time my life just EXPLODED into a firework display of astoundingly intense experiences. Looking over this year in order to write it up, I realized that just the bare summaries of everything make for a intense read. In fact, I can hardly believe that all this happened in the same year.

I intended to make this year the year of risk-taking, the year in which I sought to build my physical fearlessness. Instead, it was the year of faith-building, and I built my spiritual fearlessness, which I hadn't even realized was something I could grow in. Through my relationship/connection with Aurilion, my oh-so-brief triads with Aurilion & Hannah and then Hannah & Nick (both of which lasted a day), reading The Secret Life of Plants, A Door Into Ocean, Talks With Trees, and several Michael Roads books, experiencing connection with myself, with trees, and with people in a way far deeper than ever before, learning to believe in myself... there is far too much to sum up, even. It's like the entire universe conspired to bring my spirituality from tentative theory into wild bold practice! and whyyyyy might that be? read this -- "Thank you God/dess for so many wonderful gifts this year! It has been the best of my life so far! So much growth and love and newness ♥ I know you more in all your forms. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and sending me myriad encouraging messages. Thank you for telling me some of your Names. Thank you for enlightening me and guiding me, and most of all for showing me so much love!" all of that happened. I got chills when I re-read it, writing this. And I wrote it originally in an almost-silly frame of mind, trying to come up with the most effusive stuff -- but writing it opened up the door for all that to flood into my life. and. it. did. I rather blushingly included finding a girlfriend/having new lovers, without having even the slightest possibilities in mind, and -- it happened! Yet another astoundingly faith-building happening, on top of all the others. And yet I feel like I've just begun believing. I don't yet know what my goal for 2009 will be but I know I'll be writing another gratitude-in-advance letter!

in 2007's summary I said "I want to come out of [2008] feeling like I have a handful of jewels, not just three or four." haha! Now I laugh at how puny a handful is compared to the arms-full-and-running-over that it turned out to be.

( important events in 2008, tenses go a bit haywire, sorry )

This is the last set from Aurilion's visit in May. (I meant to post them before I left, oops) I can't believe I am going to see zir again in 8 days!



( the last day of the May visit )

This is the last set from Aurilion's visit in May. (I meant to post them before I left, oops) I can't believe I am going to see zir again in 8 days!



( the last day of the May visit )

This is the last set from Aurilion's visit in May. (I meant to post them before I left, oops) I can't believe I am going to see zir again in 8 days!



( the last day of the May visit )

The last full day of Aurilion's visit we woke up late and went to Longhorn's (as Aurilion was craving steak). That was a rather surreal experience, as I was wearing a scent which GLOWED to Aurilion (BPAL's 'Chimera' which should have been called 'Bastet' as it is golden honey lusciousness and reminds me so strongly of that deity) but we were separated by this giant table that we could hardly reach across. When we left, it was like the clink of two magnets finally released to join. We went home and I put makeup/magic on us! eeee I was absolutely enraptured with Aurilion in such colors, they expressed zir faeness so brilliantly! We had been planning to go to Red Top Mountain but it was getting too late so we went to the park again instead, and had the most beautiful time exploring and taking photos.



( portraits of Aurilion )

( photos of Aurilion and I together, plus a video )

( photos and a video of Aurilion weaving magic )

The last full day of Aurilion's visit we woke up late and went to Longhorn's (as Aurilion was craving steak). That was a rather surreal experience, as I was wearing a scent which GLOWED to Aurilion (BPAL's 'Chimera' which should have been called 'Bastet' as it is golden honey lusciousness and reminds me so strongly of that deity) but we were separated by this giant table that we could hardly reach across. When we left, it was like the clink of two magnets finally released to join. We went home and I put makeup/magic on us! eeee I was absolutely enraptured with Aurilion in such colors, they expressed zir faeness so brilliantly! We had been planning to go to Red Top Mountain but it was getting too late so we went to the park again instead, and had the most beautiful time exploring and taking photos.



( portraits of Aurilion )

( photos of Aurilion and I together, plus a video )

( photos and a video of Aurilion weaving magic )

The last full day of Aurilion's visit we woke up late and went to Longhorn's (as Aurilion was craving steak). That was a rather surreal experience, as I was wearing a scent which GLOWED to Aurilion (BPAL's 'Chimera' which should have been called 'Bastet' as it is golden honey lusciousness and reminds me so strongly of that deity) but we were separated by this giant table that we could hardly reach across. When we left, it was like the clink of two magnets finally released to join. We went home and I put makeup/magic on us! eeee I was absolutely enraptured with Aurilion in such colors, they expressed zir faeness so brilliantly! We had been planning to go to Red Top Mountain but it was getting too late so we went to the park again instead, and had the most beautiful time exploring and taking photos.



( portraits of Aurilion )

( photos of Aurilion and I together, plus a video )

( photos and a video of Aurilion weaving magic )

On the 8th my partner was off work, so we planned to go to the Etowah Mounds. My partner was a little iffy about it because it was due to pour down rain in the evening, but eventually I convinced zir that it wouldn't rain while we were there (because I know these things, and because weather.com said so), so off we went! It was glorious weather, hot but not blinding, overcast and cooled by liquid-wind. My wonderful partner drove while Aurilion and I sat in the back, and we listened to E.S. Posthumus, which is intensely meaningful music to all of us. Aurilion giggled silently for the longest time (ze could explain it far better, but as far as I understand, it is zir way of releasing/relaxing, almost like a more joyful sort of meditation).



( photos in Subway and on the way to the Mounds )

When we arrived, Aurilion and I went to the bathroom and my partner went into the visitor center, so we came in later than ze did. Right after I stepped inside, my partner asked the worker when the trees were cut down, and I thought ze meant that there used to be many more trees on the mound, so I said "there used to be more trees?" Then the worker started talking about the drought, and how one of the trees had fallen over, so they had been cut to preserve the mound. My heart stopped and I thought "Oh, God/dess, no, no..." Ze went on to explain how ze regretted it because some of the trees were hundreds of years old, and I didn't hear any more, just started walking toward the mounds, not even able to breathe, and then I saw the naked mound through the window and my eyes flooded... Oh God/dess. I could not speak, I just started walking as fast as I could toward the mound where the Elder tree had been, and I started crying, sobbing my eyes out, completely blinded by tears. I wasn't thinking anything except that I had to get there, I had to get there! I wept the whole way to the mound and up the billion shallow stairs, and when I got to the top I felt so disoriented, because the trees weren't there. I felt like I was offstep with the world. My partner came up to me and I sobbed out "where is it?" and ze took my hand, lead me to the stump and helped me down the mound so that I could touch it, sit with it. (Ze helped Aurilion down too and I could feel zir presence but I did not consciously realize it until afterward)

( this part is deeply sacred to me so, unless you can give it the utmost respect and suspend disbelief, please skip to the second bar and do not read )

After a little while, my partner saw someone walking out of the visitor center and urged Aurilion and me back up (since we weren't supposed to be climbing on the slopes). Then I hugged on Aurilion and we went and sat in the center of the mound for a time. Both my partner and Aurilion treated me with such care, not trying to make me stop crying or squelch any emotion, just being with me in the middle of it. I was so grateful for that ♥



( photos of the naked mound, the stump, and one from last year )

Then we made our way down the shallow steps and over to grove next to the river, and took many beautiful photos!



( river, trees, me, my partner, Aurilion! )

On the 8th my partner was off work, so we planned to go to the Etowah Mounds. My partner was a little iffy about it because it was due to pour down rain in the evening, but eventually I convinced zir that it wouldn't rain while we were there (because I know these things, and because weather.com said so), so off we went! It was glorious weather, hot but not blinding, overcast and cooled by liquid-wind. My wonderful partner drove while Aurilion and I sat in the back, and we listened to E.S. Posthumus, which is intensely meaningful music to all of us. Aurilion giggled silently for the longest time (ze could explain it far better, but as far as I understand, it is zir way of releasing/relaxing, almost like a more joyful sort of meditation).



( photos in Subway and on the way to the Mounds )

When we arrived, Aurilion and I went to the bathroom and my partner went into the visitor center, so we came in later than ze did. Right after I stepped inside, my partner asked the worker when the trees were cut down, and I thought ze meant that there used to be many more trees on the mound, so I said "there used to be more trees?" Then the worker started talking about the drought, and how one of the trees had fallen over, so they had been cut to preserve the mound. My heart stopped and I thought "Oh, God/dess, no, no..." Ze went on to explain how ze regretted it because some of the trees were hundreds of years old, and I didn't hear any more, just started walking toward the mounds, not even able to breathe, and then I saw the naked mound through the window and my eyes flooded... Oh God/dess. I could not speak, I just started walking as fast as I could toward the mound where the Elder tree had been, and I started crying, sobbing my eyes out, completely blinded by tears. I wasn't thinking anything except that I had to get there, I had to get there! I wept the whole way to the mound and up the billion shallow stairs, and when I got to the top I felt so disoriented, because the trees weren't there. I felt like I was offstep with the world. My partner came up to me and I sobbed out "where is it?" and ze took my hand, lead me to the stump and helped me down the mound so that I could touch it, sit with it. (Ze helped Aurilion down too and I could feel zir presence but I did not consciously realize it until afterward)

( this part is deeply sacred to me so, unless you can give it the utmost respect and suspend disbelief, please skip to the second bar and do not read )

After a little while, my partner saw someone walking out of the visitor center and urged Aurilion and me back up (since we weren't supposed to be climbing on the slopes). Then I hugged on Aurilion and we went and sat in the center of the mound for a time. Both my partner and Aurilion treated me with such care, not trying to make me stop crying or squelch any emotion, just being with me in the middle of it. I was so grateful for that ♥



( photos of the naked mound, the stump, and one from last year )

Then we made our way down the shallow steps and over to grove next to the river, and took many beautiful photos!



( river, trees, me, my partner, Aurilion! )

On the 8th my partner was off work, so we planned to go to the Etowah Mounds. My partner was a little iffy about it because it was due to pour down rain in the evening, but eventually I convinced zir that it wouldn't rain while we were there (because I know these things, and because weather.com said so), so off we went! It was glorious weather, hot but not blinding, overcast and cooled by liquid-wind. My wonderful partner drove while Aurilion and I sat in the back, and we listened to E.S. Posthumus, which is intensely meaningful music to all of us. Aurilion giggled silently for the longest time (ze could explain it far better, but as far as I understand, it is zir way of releasing/relaxing, almost like a more joyful sort of meditation).



( photos in Subway and on the way to the Mounds )

When we arrived, Aurilion and I went to the bathroom and my partner went into the visitor center, so we came in later than ze did. Right after I stepped inside, my partner asked the worker when the trees were cut down, and I thought ze meant that there used to be many more trees on the mound, so I said "there used to be more trees?" Then the worker started talking about the drought, and how one of the trees had fallen over, so they had been cut to preserve the mound. My heart stopped and I thought "Oh, God/dess, no, no..." Ze went on to explain how ze regretted it because some of the trees were hundreds of years old, and I didn't hear any more, just started walking toward the mounds, not even able to breathe, and then I saw the naked mound through the window and my eyes flooded... Oh God/dess. I could not speak, I just started walking as fast as I could toward the mound where the Elder tree had been, and I started crying, sobbing my eyes out, completely blinded by tears. I wasn't thinking anything except that I had to get there, I had to get there! I wept the whole way to the mound and up the billion shallow stairs, and when I got to the top I felt so disoriented, because the trees weren't there. I felt like I was offstep with the world. My partner came up to me and I sobbed out "where is it?" and ze took my hand, lead me to the stump and helped me down the mound so that I could touch it, sit with it. (Ze helped Aurilion down too and I could feel zir presence but I did not consciously realize it until afterward)

( this part is deeply sacred to me so, unless you can give it the utmost respect and suspend disbelief, please skip to the second bar and do not read )

After a little while, my partner saw someone walking out of the visitor center and urged Aurilion and me back up (since we weren't supposed to be climbing on the slopes). Then I hugged on Aurilion and we went and sat in the center of the mound for a time. Both my partner and Aurilion treated me with such care, not trying to make me stop crying or squelch any emotion, just being with me in the middle of it. I was so grateful for that ♥



( photos of the naked mound, the stump, and one from last year )

Then we made our way down the shallow steps and over to grove next to the river, and took many beautiful photos!



( river, trees, me, my partner, Aurilion! )

The day after Aurilion arrived we drove around a bit, got semi-lost trying to find the recycling place and picked up my lapis lazuli ring from the jewelers (where I was getting it sized). I told zir about its significance and the significance of my other rings (which I have yet to post about ;-p). We were planning on going to laughter yoga but ze felt that would be too much at that moment (it was so intense just being together) so instead we went to dinner at the coffeehouse and then to the park! We saw ducklings! (which I had never seen in real life) I showed zir the twin tree which had comforted me on a day I felt crazy, and ze felt the sweet energy of it. We both gave it kisses ;-) Then we met another tree which was quite amazing and I got zir to pose with it.



( photos! )

Later that evening we watched Playing By Heart, which was an incredible experience because our hearts were so open to each other and I could feel zir reactions so clearly! Also, ze strongly empathized with so many of the characters (who are all dear to my heart) and I saw them with new eyes. I felt like I was seeing it for the first time, only better. That movie means so much to me. ♥ I LOVE seeing it with people when they see it for the first time.

The day after Aurilion arrived we drove around a bit, got semi-lost trying to find the recycling place and picked up my lapis lazuli ring from the jewelers (where I was getting it sized). I told zir about its significance and the significance of my other rings (which I have yet to post about ;-p). We were planning on going to laughter yoga but ze felt that would be too much at that moment (it was so intense just being together) so instead we went to dinner at the coffeehouse and then to the park! We saw ducklings! (which I had never seen in real life) I showed zir the twin tree which had comforted me on a day I felt crazy, and ze felt the sweet energy of it. We both gave it kisses ;-) Then we met another tree which was quite amazing and I got zir to pose with it.



( photos! )

Later that evening we watched Playing By Heart, which was an incredible experience because our hearts were so open to each other and I could feel zir reactions so clearly! Also, ze strongly empathized with so many of the characters (who are all dear to my heart) and I saw them with new eyes. I felt like I was seeing it for the first time, only better. That movie means so much to me. ♥ I LOVE seeing it with people when they see it for the first time.

The day after Aurilion arrived we drove around a bit, got semi-lost trying to find the recycling place and picked up my lapis lazuli ring from the jewelers (where I was getting it sized). I told zir about its significance and the significance of my other rings (which I have yet to post about ;-p). We were planning on going to laughter yoga but ze felt that would be too much at that moment (it was so intense just being together) so instead we went to dinner at the coffeehouse and then to the park! We saw ducklings! (which I had never seen in real life) I showed zir the twin tree which had comforted me on a day I felt crazy, and ze felt the sweet energy of it. We both gave it kisses ;-) Then we met another tree which was quite amazing and I got zir to pose with it.



( photos! )

Later that evening we watched Playing By Heart, which was an incredible experience because our hearts were so open to each other and I could feel zir reactions so clearly! Also, ze strongly empathized with so many of the characters (who are all dear to my heart) and I saw them with new eyes. I felt like I was seeing it for the first time, only better. That movie means so much to me. ♥ I LOVE seeing it with people when they see it for the first time.

( I have this 'crowd blindness' ) so when Nimajn and I picked Aurilion up from the airport, I was worried that I would not spot zir because the flow of people was moving so fast. I needn't have worried! Ze spotted me, yelled "BEL!", dashed over and barreled into me, almost knocking me over, and hugged me so tightly ze squeezed out my air. Then ze kissed me and I automatically turned my cheek to zir before I realized that ze was aiming for my mouth -- then I turned back to kiss zir on the lips.

My first same-sex kiss! My first kiss with anyone-not-Nimajn! My first mouth-kiss in public in YEARS! I was quite intoxicated from the newness of it and beamed and stumbled my way out of the airport, holding hands and swinging arms delightedly. As Nimajn drove us home (such a wonderful gift ♥), Aurilion and I sat in the back seat and kissed and kissed and kissed. Oh God/dess, such kisses ♥

Throughout the visit, I was hyper-aware of touch in public. This was really weird for me because I'm used to being almost defiantly affectionate with my female-bodied friends in public, and I know I have been assumed to be lesbian many times. But it being actually romantic made it feel SO DIFFERENT. I felt so much shyer. At first I was like "wtf, Bel, is this internalized homophobia? I thought you were way past that!" And as I thought about it I realized that I would have felt the same if Aurilion had been male, so that wasn't the reason. Instead, I think it was because: I've only experienced romance with a person who has not liked public displays of affection, and thus I have been 'trained' for the past 6+ years to reserve my romantic stuff for privacy; I'm still getting over the fear that people will think I am cheating on Nimajn and therefore dishonest; and most of all it's just new on so many levels! Most people have more than one romance before getting married, and I had never even held hands with anyone except Nimajn until this week. I felt so young and inexperienced! I felt SHY. The shyness faded pretty quickly, but the wonder-at-newness remained. It's so. freaking. amazing.

I think part of me feels 'legitimized' in a way. Like, I have known that I'm bisexual and polyamorous for a long time now but I had never experienced an actual bi-poly relationship in practice. I'm glad it didn't happen earlier because I would have called this 'proof' but I don't need 'proof'. It just feels good to finally be living it; I'm not sure how to explain that. It's like I have come into my own. This is me! and I love it.

( I have this 'crowd blindness' ) so when Nimajn and I picked Aurilion up from the airport, I was worried that I would not spot zir because the flow of people was moving so fast. I needn't have worried! Ze spotted me, yelled "BEL!", dashed over and barreled into me, almost knocking me over, and hugged me so tightly ze squeezed out my air. Then ze kissed me and I automatically turned my cheek to zir before I realized that ze was aiming for my mouth -- then I turned back to kiss zir on the lips.

My first same-sex kiss! My first kiss with anyone-not-Nimajn! My first mouth-kiss in public in YEARS! I was quite intoxicated from the newness of it and beamed and stumbled my way out of the airport, holding hands and swinging arms delightedly. As Nimajn drove us home (such a wonderful gift ♥), Aurilion and I sat in the back seat and kissed and kissed and kissed. Oh God/dess, such kisses ♥

Throughout the visit, I was hyper-aware of touch in public. This was really weird for me because I'm used to being almost defiantly affectionate with my female-bodied friends in public, and I know I have been assumed to be lesbian many times. But it being actually romantic made it feel SO DIFFERENT. I felt so much shyer. At first I was like "wtf, Bel, is this internalized homophobia? I thought you were way past that!" And as I thought about it I realized that I would have felt the same if Aurilion had been male, so that wasn't the reason. Instead, I think it was because: I've only experienced romance with a person who has not liked public displays of affection, and thus I have been 'trained' for the past 6+ years to reserve my romantic stuff for privacy; I'm still getting over the fear that people will think I am cheating on Nimajn and therefore dishonest; and most of all it's just new on so many levels! Most people have more than one romance before getting married, and I had never even held hands with anyone except Nimajn until this week. I felt so young and inexperienced! I felt SHY. The shyness faded pretty quickly, but the wonder-at-newness remained. It's so. freaking. amazing.

I think part of me feels 'legitimized' in a way. Like, I have known that I'm bisexual and polyamorous for a long time now but I had never experienced an actual bi-poly relationship in practice. I'm glad it didn't happen earlier because I would have called this 'proof' but I don't need 'proof'. It just feels good to finally be living it; I'm not sure how to explain that. It's like I have come into my own. This is me! and I love it.

( I have this 'crowd blindness' ) so when Nimajn and I picked Aurilion up from the airport, I was worried that I would not spot zir because the flow of people was moving so fast. I needn't have worried! Ze spotted me, yelled "BEL!", dashed over and barreled into me, almost knocking me over, and hugged me so tightly ze squeezed out my air. Then ze kissed me and I automatically turned my cheek to zir before I realized that ze was aiming for my mouth -- then I turned back to kiss zir on the lips.

My first same-sex kiss! My first kiss with anyone-not-Nimajn! My first mouth-kiss in public in YEARS! I was quite intoxicated from the newness of it and beamed and stumbled my way out of the airport, holding hands and swinging arms delightedly. As Nimajn drove us home (such a wonderful gift ♥), Aurilion and I sat in the back seat and kissed and kissed and kissed. Oh God/dess, such kisses ♥

Throughout the visit, I was hyper-aware of touch in public. This was really weird for me because I'm used to being almost defiantly affectionate with my female-bodied friends in public, and I know I have been assumed to be lesbian many times. But it being actually romantic made it feel SO DIFFERENT. I felt so much shyer. At first I was like "wtf, Bel, is this internalized homophobia? I thought you were way past that!" And as I thought about it I realized that I would have felt the same if Aurilion had been male, so that wasn't the reason. Instead, I think it was because: I've only experienced romance with a person who has not liked public displays of affection, and thus I have been 'trained' for the past 6+ years to reserve my romantic stuff for privacy; I'm still getting over the fear that people will think I am cheating on Nimajn and therefore dishonest; and most of all it's just new on so many levels! Most people have more than one romance before getting married, and I had never even held hands with anyone except Nimajn until this week. I felt so young and inexperienced! I felt SHY. The shyness faded pretty quickly, but the wonder-at-newness remained. It's so. freaking. amazing.

I think part of me feels 'legitimized' in a way. Like, I have known that I'm bisexual and polyamorous for a long time now but I had never experienced an actual bi-poly relationship in practice. I'm glad it didn't happen earlier because I would have called this 'proof' but I don't need 'proof'. It just feels good to finally be living it; I'm not sure how to explain that. It's like I have come into my own. This is me! and I love it.

Aurilion's visit was rainbow-shatteringly, thunderstorm-resoundingly, forest-clappingly pixie-ecstatic! Oh God/dess, there really aren't words. I'm shaking now with the thrill of remembering it. Everything, EVERYTHING, was on fire with joyful pinwheels of color. *deeeeep sigh*



Just one photo for now, but ( not to worry, there are many more to come... )

I learned so much about Aurilion and fell so much more in love with zir! I learned that ze giggles even more than I do! And I saw zir tiger side -- I hadn't seen it before but wow, ze is fierce, and wild. (and as feline as I am) So creative, so full of faith, so full of joy. And as photogenic as ze is, ze is so much more beautiful in person, with zir glorious spirit shining through. Ze is SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. I could not stop gazing at zir -- every single aspect is so perfect, so stunning. And zir touches? God/dess, shiveringly delightful! So gentle and sweet -- I get the taste of honey and the scent of Bastet when I think of zir magic fingertips on my skin. And kisses... oh wow. (I will save that for another post, as it deserves its own)

The visit was only four days (three full days and two halves) but felt like an eternity and a flash. Every moment was so alive with meaning! I noticed after ze left that I was completely drained and exhausted (in a good way), which set me to thinking, and I realized that it was because of our heart-openness. I am very willing to open my heart and I am in the habit of opening it wide at any invitation, but my 'at rest' state is half-open. Aurilion is even more willing to open zir heart and so our mutual invitations kept both of our hearts wide-open the whole visit. I'm not used to having my heart wide-open for such a long stretch at a time, so by the end I was overwhelmed. (Aurilion was too, but not quite as much I don't think, as zir heart's 'at rest' state seems to be 3/4ths open, so it wasn't quite as much of a stretch) I'm amazed that ze can live so heart-open -- ze inspired me so much the whole visit! I've been in a resting-state from the intense growth of this experience, which is why I didn't post this sooner -- even though I was yearning to express it! I needed time to gather myself and process things.

I also realized that I have a rather unique way of processing things -- through dreams. Yes, I know that technically everyone does this, but for me it is a very active experience. I don't lucid-dream, but I actively meditate on and learn from my dreams. If I don't get enough dream-time (most of which occurs after 7 hours of sleep, for me) when in a period of growth, I start feeling confused and frustrated -- I need to dream. So I have spent a lot of time dreaming the past two days, and now I feel like I am taking all these new jewels of wisdom-love and setting them into the complex design that is my Self.

Aurilion's visit was rainbow-shatteringly, thunderstorm-resoundingly, forest-clappingly pixie-ecstatic! Oh God/dess, there really aren't words. I'm shaking now with the thrill of remembering it. Everything, EVERYTHING, was on fire with joyful pinwheels of color. *deeeeep sigh*



Just one photo for now, but ( not to worry, there are many more to come... )

I learned so much about Aurilion and fell so much more in love with zir! I learned that ze giggles even more than I do! And I saw zir tiger side -- I hadn't seen it before but wow, ze is fierce, and wild. (and as feline as I am) So creative, so full of faith, so full of joy. And as photogenic as ze is, ze is so much more beautiful in person, with zir glorious spirit shining through. Ze is SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. I could not stop gazing at zir -- every single aspect is so perfect, so stunning. And zir touches? God/dess, shiveringly delightful! So gentle and sweet -- I get the taste of honey and the scent of Bastet when I think of zir magic fingertips on my skin. And kisses... oh wow. (I will save that for another post, as it deserves its own)

The visit was only four days (three full days and two halves) but felt like an eternity and a flash. Every moment was so alive with meaning! I noticed after ze left that I was completely drained and exhausted (in a good way), which set me to thinking, and I realized that it was because of our heart-openness. I am very willing to open my heart and I am in the habit of opening it wide at any invitation, but my 'at rest' state is half-open. Aurilion is even more willing to open zir heart and so our mutual invitations kept both of our hearts wide-open the whole visit. I'm not used to having my heart wide-open for such a long stretch at a time, so by the end I was overwhelmed. (Aurilion was too, but not quite as much I don't think, as zir heart's 'at rest' state seems to be 3/4ths open, so it wasn't quite as much of a stretch) I'm amazed that ze can live so heart-open -- ze inspired me so much the whole visit! I've been in a resting-state from the intense growth of this experience, which is why I didn't post this sooner -- even though I was yearning to express it! I needed time to gather myself and process things.

I also realized that I have a rather unique way of processing things -- through dreams. Yes, I know that technically everyone does this, but for me it is a very active experience. I don't lucid-dream, but I actively meditate on and learn from my dreams. If I don't get enough dream-time (most of which occurs after 7 hours of sleep, for me) when in a period of growth, I start feeling confused and frustrated -- I need to dream. So I have spent a lot of time dreaming the past two days, and now I feel like I am taking all these new jewels of wisdom-love and setting them into the complex design that is my Self.

Aurilion's visit was rainbow-shatteringly, thunderstorm-resoundingly, forest-clappingly pixie-ecstatic! Oh God/dess, there really aren't words. I'm shaking now with the thrill of remembering it. Everything, EVERYTHING, was on fire with joyful pinwheels of color. *deeeeep sigh*



Just one photo for now, but ( not to worry, there are many more to come... )

I learned so much about Aurilion and fell so much more in love with zir! I learned that ze giggles even more than I do! And I saw zir tiger side -- I hadn't seen it before but wow, ze is fierce, and wild. (and as feline as I am) So creative, so full of faith, so full of joy. And as photogenic as ze is, ze is so much more beautiful in person, with zir glorious spirit shining through. Ze is SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. I could not stop gazing at zir -- every single aspect is so perfect, so stunning. And zir touches? God/dess, shiveringly delightful! So gentle and sweet -- I get the taste of honey and the scent of Bastet when I think of zir magic fingertips on my skin. And kisses... oh wow. (I will save that for another post, as it deserves its own)

The visit was only four days (three full days and two halves) but felt like an eternity and a flash. Every moment was so alive with meaning! I noticed after ze left that I was completely drained and exhausted (in a good way), which set me to thinking, and I realized that it was because of our heart-openness. I am very willing to open my heart and I am in the habit of opening it wide at any invitation, but my 'at rest' state is half-open. Aurilion is even more willing to open zir heart and so our mutual invitations kept both of our hearts wide-open the whole visit. I'm not used to having my heart wide-open for such a long stretch at a time, so by the end I was overwhelmed. (Aurilion was too, but not quite as much I don't think, as zir heart's 'at rest' state seems to be 3/4ths open, so it wasn't quite as much of a stretch) I'm amazed that ze can live so heart-open -- ze inspired me so much the whole visit! I've been in a resting-state from the intense growth of this experience, which is why I didn't post this sooner -- even though I was yearning to express it! I needed time to gather myself and process things.

I also realized that I have a rather unique way of processing things -- through dreams. Yes, I know that technically everyone does this, but for me it is a very active experience. I don't lucid-dream, but I actively meditate on and learn from my dreams. If I don't get enough dream-time (most of which occurs after 7 hours of sleep, for me) when in a period of growth, I start feeling confused and frustrated -- I need to dream. So I have spent a lot of time dreaming the past two days, and now I feel like I am taking all these new jewels of wisdom-love and setting them into the complex design that is my Self.