"Phoenix" by Richard Powers:



After 2007, a year I called "waiting in dim light," 2008 was a year of incredible exploration and growth! Like the phoenix dying, I suffered through the beginning of the year, and like the phoenix reborn, in a short time my life just EXPLODED into a firework display of astoundingly intense experiences. Looking over this year in order to write it up, I realized that just the bare summaries of everything make for a intense read. In fact, I can hardly believe that all this happened in the same year.

I intended to make this year the year of risk-taking, the year in which I sought to build my physical fearlessness. Instead, it was the year of faith-building, and I built my spiritual fearlessness, which I hadn't even realized was something I could grow in. Through my relationship/connection with Aurilion, my oh-so-brief triads with Aurilion & Hannah and then Hannah & Nick (both of which lasted a day), reading The Secret Life of Plants, A Door Into Ocean, Talks With Trees, and several Michael Roads books, experiencing connection with myself, with trees, and with people in a way far deeper than ever before, learning to believe in myself... there is far too much to sum up, even. It's like the entire universe conspired to bring my spirituality from tentative theory into wild bold practice! and whyyyyy might that be? read this -- "Thank you God/dess for so many wonderful gifts this year! It has been the best of my life so far! So much growth and love and newness ♥ I know you more in all your forms. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and sending me myriad encouraging messages. Thank you for telling me some of your Names. Thank you for enlightening me and guiding me, and most of all for showing me so much love!" all of that happened. I got chills when I re-read it, writing this. And I wrote it originally in an almost-silly frame of mind, trying to come up with the most effusive stuff -- but writing it opened up the door for all that to flood into my life. and. it. did. I rather blushingly included finding a girlfriend/having new lovers, without having even the slightest possibilities in mind, and -- it happened! Yet another astoundingly faith-building happening, on top of all the others. And yet I feel like I've just begun believing. I don't yet know what my goal for 2009 will be but I know I'll be writing another gratitude-in-advance letter!

in 2007's summary I said "I want to come out of [2008] feeling like I have a handful of jewels, not just three or four." haha! Now I laugh at how puny a handful is compared to the arms-full-and-running-over that it turned out to be.

( important events in 2008, tenses go a bit haywire, sorry )

I am so freaking proud of my (15-year-old) lil sis!!! Ze is so amazingly brilliant and understanding. How my parents ended up with two iconoclast offspring I will never guess, though I like to think that I encouraged lil sis in that direction. ;-) (Ze does NOT, however, take after me in the spelling and grammar department so I took some punctuation and spelling liberties in my quote *giggles*) No matter how strangely it happened, I am so honored to be related to this wise firebrand of a person. Ze seriously blows me away with how ze sees the world... (bold and italics are the parts that especially resonate with me)

We weren't meant to live our life so that other people can think that we're perfect. I think that sometimes I don't stop and try to have fun because it's just too easy to stay in that place in your life that you can just watch your life go by in front of your eyes and not try to join it and challenge the rules. I think we were meant to try new things and that we were meant to question the things that people just put into our lives ( and we don't even stop to think about it... )

These are the characters in the story of my life:

my partner aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
lil sis -- younger sister, soul-kin.
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nea aka acid_burns -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- friend, spirit-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- friend, spirit-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- friend, spirit-kin.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- friend.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
my partner's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

My year started off badly -- I woke up crying from a dream. In the dream, I saw an old friend and she saw me but didn't recognise/respond to me. I realized that I have never gotten over the loss of her -- maybe because I still don't know why she decided to cut contact. I'm still hurt over it and I'm not really sure what to do about it... I don't know how to let it go.

I also got bad news from my little sister, though that was actually New Year's Eve so technically 2007. I'm so frustrated that I can't help her.

I want a fresh start, dammit!

The ones with me in them aren't as great as the others, 'cause I couldn't see what I was shooting, of course. :-p I took about 600 photos this trip (well, Ben took some of them) so I'm breaking them into several posts. I took some portrait-style photos of lil sis and mom which turned out AMAZING and I can't wait to share them, next. And after that, a clothed shoot of me and a nude one. and maybe a text post about the trip somewhere in there...



( me & lil sis, lil sis & mom, mom & me )

I have so much to say... Meliae called me Wednesday and I must have talked nonstop for at least half an hour just summarizing all that has gone on! To uncork the bottle:

- my camera broke! :-( Halfway through the visit, it stopped going into shooting mode, and I left it alone for a while before replacing the batteries (it did that before on low battery), and when I finally put new batteries in it still didn't work. I've been without a camera for like three weeks now and it's really depressing. :-( For a long while now I've been carrying it everywhere, it's become a big part of my life and now it's gone... It's 3.5 years old, so it was its time I guess, but that doesn't make me feel better. Rest in peace, Spyder.
- Hannah's visit was by turns beautiful, horrible, exciting, dull, healing, & painful. She left early for several reasons, mainly because we just didn't have the energy to balance against each other for another 2 weeks. The visit was really draining, but really important, and very necessary. I have a loooooot to write about that, don't want to get started right now.
- Meeting Nick was awesome! I want to make a post about it so I'll save details for later.
- my partner and I have been working on our relationship, with huge steps forward... also deserves a post of its own!
- My parents have invited my partner and I to go on vacation with them and lil sis at the end of August and we've accepted. o.0
- I'm worried that I'm being frozen out by some friends who are really important to me, and I've been too wimpy so far to confront the issue.
- I'm sooooo disappointed that Meliae can only visit for 3 days. I had it in my head that she was going to stay a week (don't assume, Bel!) and now I'm sad... but still very happy that I get to meet her soon.
- Last Saturday I went to church for the first time in over a year! It was fantastic and I've been looking for churches to try. I went looking for GLBT inclusive ones and they all seemed too conservative -- wtf? it was like they thought they had to make up for their 'progressiveness' by having bland (to my taste) worship, wearing fancy clothes and having traditional-style preaching. But I found a few that seemed interesting enough to try.
- I spent ages today catching up on approving members to the curvygirls comm! finally caught up. I've been such a bad mod for the past month.

Hopefully I will be getting back into LJ f'real now. I didn't have time to do more than skim during the visit, so please give me links to any recent posts of yours that you think I'd find especially interesting or that you want my input on!

so much to say! I'm feeling blocked, hopefully if I can decide which to post when, it will help. (eventually I will post it all, most likely) Please vote on which I should post FIRST (1 or 2 choices please, 3 if you must):

[Poll #966289]

also, last night I dreamed that I went to a home-church meeting (in the jeep, I drove) with my mom and lil sis, and after we got there I called my partner and invited him to come too (he drove over in Sylvia (our current car)). All the other people were old, grey-haired, wise, kind, and very openminded. (and they were all about feeding us, I remember potato salad in particular) I think I took my clothes off shortly after coming in. The house was very open, practically nothing but screened windows from the waist up (second time I've dreamed about a house like that). It was very sunny and fairly warm, with a cool breeze. After a little while I looked out the back of the house and saw a MASSIVE tree, with its lower branches gnarled and thicker than I am tall. I was awed, and one of the old men noticed and said, "oh, that's Hercules." I responded, "Hercules?" and he said yes and showed me a drawing of a warrior with horns. I looked at it and then up at the tree and saw that they were exactly the same shape. I was further awed and in love, and went outside to lay at its roots and stare up and take photos, even though by that time the wind was VERY strong, strong enough that you'd need to lean against it -- but still coming in gusts rather than steadily. My partner was a little worried that a branch might break and fall on me, but I was completely calm.

that is the third dream I've had of trees lately, the second that features a HUGE tree which I spend time at the roots of, and the second that involved my mom & lil sis and trees AND cars! *meditates* hmm, also the second in which I call someone.

( what dreammoods says about the symbolism )

The Bad: Mom took lil sis and moved back to PA. *frustration* I could go on and on about that... :-(

The Strange: Ashley left a bag on the front door with the CDs she had borrowed (which I was glad to get back), the curvy goddess-shaped rock Hannah had given her, and the pieces of the anklet I had made her. I can understand not wanting it around and giving it back, but taking it apart first? wtf? (and it was corded so it didn't simply break) *shakes head* whatevah whatevah.

The Good! Mom loaned me some money (her pay from her part-time job, I was soooo touched) and we went ahead and got the car fixed *whew!* Now we just have to get the tag/title yearly fee taken care of and we will have a healthy, legal car for the first time in MONTHS. You've no idea how much of a relief that is. Right now we have another possibility for improving our finances, but I'm not going to get too excited until it actually happens. Also I applied at a coffeehouse down the road and I REALLY want the job. If not there of course I'll be getting a job elsewhere, but there would be just perfect. When I filled out the application they asked questions like "how much do you like to listen to other people's problems?" and "when you see a small mistake, do you feel compelled to correct it?" and judging by that and the atmosphere in the shops I've frequented, they're looking for open, friendly, relaxed people. The workers there always seem sooo relaxed and cheerful, and I'd just LOVE to be working in an environment like that, surrounded by COFFEE SMELLS. mmmmmmmmmm. And I would be so fucking PERFECT for it. After I put in the application online, I went in the next day and spoke to the manager about setting up an interview, but he hadn't looked at the applications yet. It's been a week so hopefully I'll get a call tomorrow! if not I think I'll call. I don't want to be pushy but I don't want to regret not going after it. *eeek*

also I've been in a very phototaking mood, so a giant photopost will probably come soon. I took soooooo many amazing photos of Ben, because he was in a generous mood and not camera-shy for once. But I have to convince him to let me share them *hopes* For now I'll just share a few photos of other subjects:


( mostly the incredibly green trees ♥ )

Thank you so incredibly much, everyone who has lovingly commented/prayed/sent positive energy/thoughts ♥ ♥ ♥ Thank you so so much. You help more than I can ever express or even understand.

also, AMAZING news: FIREKAT IS COMING TO VISIT MEEEEEEEE!!!!! She bought the tickets and I'm going to see her face to face for the first time on May 2nd!!! OMFG!!!

I've been in a constant whirl of emotion for the past few weeks... I feel a little insane, sometimes a lot insane. I feel like I am living on fast-forward, everything intense, complex, compact, exponentialized. SO. MUCH. is new! Three brand-new face-to-face friendships with people I feel a deep connection with, plus two more people who are connected to them, new places, new languages (in the sense that every person communicates differently), rapidly deepening relationships with long-distance friends, just... wow. everything! And I've been having intense flashes of insecurity, because I care so much about these new friendships and I am afraid that I will make a mistake and lose my chance, and they may not have the strength/desire to give me a second chance. And because I have never attempted to befriend an already-formed group -- it's a daunting task, so many eyes watching. I feel like if I lose one, I lose them all (which may not be completely true but I think it is partially true).

You know when you fall in love, and it's SO thrilling but so scary, and the slightest negative thing sends you spiraling into a depression thinking that all the wonderfulness was just a dream? (am I the only one that was like that? hmm...) Well that's very much like what I'm living, except it's platonic and it's more than one person! It's scary and painful, but in a growing way, and I welcome it.

ALSO. good news! my mom FINALLY moved down with my lil sis and now they live a mere hour and a half away. Which is great because my lil sis is safer and I get to see her more, but not great because they're living with Aunt Mary. I've lived with her and all I'm gonna say is I KNOW that that is like, and I am not happy that my lil sis is having to deal with that. But she's a strong spirit, and I know she can handle it, and it is much better than being around her dad.

And Sunday! Miss K, Ben's mom, had a lunch 'party' for me, with cheese-stuffed tomato-sauced pasta shells (she asked what I wanted and I said 'anything with cheese and tomato!'), and my mom and lil sis came over. I'm a little weirded out by my mom because I don't know her anymore, and I was VERY VERY WEIRDED OUT by the fact that my ten-years-younger sister is considerably taller than me! so freaking strange! I felt intimidated! I meant to get photos but forgot, next time perhaps. She showed me her drawings and I was impressed, partly because there is so much feeling to them, and partly because she is so free -- when I used to draw I wouldn't even attempt an angle if I didn't think I could get it right, and she just goes for it. (I hope she's learning as much from me as I am from her, heh) She's finally mature enough that I can see similarities between us. We have no physical similarities -- she's tall, golden-skinned, blonde, looks like her dad (we do have the same biological father, but I don't consider him my dad), and I'm short, pale, dark-haired, look most like one of my mom's sisters -- but we have the same indomitable streak, and we have a similar... warmth, is the closest word I can find. We give off a similar frequency.

I haven't been able to get in contact with Hannah lately, I'm worried :-( I hate hate hate that there is a whole fucking ocean keeping us apart -- it's so very wrong, I need to be there for her. She is constantly on my mind. ♥ I miss you I miss you I miss you... Don't ever think that anyone could take your place, don't ever think that I could forget you even for a second. You're as essential to me as water and air... and I love you from every tiny corner of my heart.

...Did I Imagine You? by Dot Allison...
Where in the world are you tonight?
I'm waiting for you // Just take my hand
I'll carry you through

I don't do 'resolutions.' That's just a fancy word for 'rules' and I'm not into imposing rules on myself. I think the reason so many 'resolutions' fail is that it is human nature to hate being boxed in with rules, self-imposed or not.

but goals? hell yeah I have goals. Things I want to do this year:

• become more of my true self
  
• learn more love and compassion
  
• grow closer to God/dess ♥
  
• learn to listen to my spirit and FOLLOW MY INSTINCTS!!!
  
• further develop my soulfriendships with Nimajneb and Hannah
  
• be more active in changing the world: leave 'you are beautiful' notes, smile more at people, strike up conversation with more strangers, flaunt my body hair, wear curvy-pride shirts and figure-hugging outfits.
  
• create more; making jewelry, painting, drawing, modeling, photographing (! and add a deliberate 'flaw' to remind me that 'flaws' are beautiful!)
  
• post WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT, without worrying that I am going to flood my friends page and my favorite post of the bunch will be ignored. I know that isn't true, and if it is, it's not a good enough reason.
  
• spend more time and effort communicating with my lovely friends; commenting back, commenting on their posts, IMing, and calling. Not any ritual amount, but following instincts instead of being so O-C about doing it 'in order.'
  
• go to Glasgow and meet clown_frog and maybe shalotus! and of course spend a lot of delighted time with my beautiful soulfriend shmee_!!!
  
• have shmee_ and die_fiend come down, hopefully during RenFest season!!! and hopefully have my firekat (kmiotutsie) come down too! *dreams* This must happen. *is firm with the universe, shakes finger for emphasis*
  
• spend more time with sabr and malignlibra
  
• meet more of my lj friends! there are a ton I want to meet, we'll see who I actually manage to make plans with. ;-) at the very least, I must meet kmiotutsie and sunshinepill.
  
• find at least a handful of new amazing people to mutually adore. (and hopefully some who are Aquarius!)
  
• set firm plans for International Women's Day next year (post to come about that!)
  
• dance more, maybe start taking bellydancing classes again.
  
• get at least one tattoo!
  
• find more of my meaningful rings.
  
• dye my hair purple, like I have ALWAYS WANTED.
  
• help my little sister get the courage to do what she needs to do.
  
• tell my parents I'm 'bisexual' and be officially disowned (after I figure out whether or not they will keep me from talking to little sis, she is more important than me getting the satisfaction of never having to talk to my dad again)
  
• go skinnydipping at least once!
  
• go to at least one concert!
  
• have at least three photoshoots.
  
• do at least three self-portrait shoots (hopefully a lot more, but I gotta get some better lighting)
  
• Self-educate: read 88 books this year; keep a running list of them, and post an update every eight books, with a SHORT summary.

  0 / 88 (0.0%)

Wild Woman by Willow Arlenea

My totem animal, the dragonfly, lives as a nymph for a while, shedding her skin many times to emerge as a more developed creature, and only with the final shedding does she have wings. I feel that I have metamorphosed several times this year, and with this last shedding of my skin I have realized that I now have wings! I have reached completeness, developed all that I need to fly. I will continue growing in a new way, learning to use what I have. This is exciting and scary because there is no more waiting around to be ready; I have arrived.

( important events in 2006 )

I feel like some of my metamorphoses have been inner and chosen, but the majority of them were external. My ties with this area have been severed again and again: Rebecca moved, my church wounded me and I haven't really attempted to fix it, Allison cut ties with me, my mimosa tree died, Kristen and I both changed and now we strongly differ on important issues, and Ashley broke up with me. I still love the land with all my heart -- Georgia is in my blood and always will be -- but I have no place that really feels mine since my mimosa died. Emerald is still there but the crook of her trunk is not enough space for me to take root. I feel that I am being prepared for a new way of life, perhaps a move. I welcome it with open arms! and pray that it will be near to one of the glorious friends who fill my life with light. ♥...Said The Sun to the Shine by Earthsuit...
Said the Sun to the Shine
Come shadow, what you find?
Said the Sun to the Shine
You and I forever bind

At first I was on the end of a peninsula-like cliff, feeling a sweet intensity of spirit. There were odd dwellings, very airy, waving in the wind, connected to trees and not touching the ground. The ground was soft and mostly free of leaves, as if carefully kept. The earth looked beautiful to me, the dirt almost yummy, very nourishing. I remembered catching a glimpse of lithe, ethereal people wearing floating rainbow-colored clothing, and I wanted to be able to meet them, so I was waiting for them to come back. I climbed a tree (feeling the bark as a living thing) to better be able to see them coming, and Ben (who was waiting below) called up to me not to hide from them, which irritated me because I wasn't hiding, hiding from them would be pointless anyway, and where I was would be more obvious to them than being on the ground. But really, he was nervous about me hanging out over the gorge (uncharacteristically I was unafraid of falling) so I came down to make him feel better. I was praying the whole time that the windpeople were real and that I would be able to meet them...

We knew they wouldn't be back until sundown, so Ben suggested we go for a walk. My lil sis was with us, and we walked down the gently sloping end of the peninsula. Just a few steps away there was a cow farm (which perplexed me, because how could people be so close and have no idea about the windpeople?) and we walked through on a sidewalk, right through a corral where at least 20 cows were giving birth, with people around to make sure everything went okay. I started getting freaked out, and we started hurrying, but lil sis slipped (on blood, but I made sure she didn't realize that) and hurt her leg. I asked her if she could walk and she said no, so I carried her for a few steps and then had her try to walk again, and she felt fine, so we ran the rest of the way out. After we got out and closed the gate behind us, and walked forward on a forest path again. Fireworks started going off and people started screaming in celebration, and I held on to Ben with one hand and lil sis with the other, and just screamed and screamed and screamed with my eyes closed (the applauding kind of scream that you do at concerts). Finally I opened my eyes again and Ben was gone. Lil sis stood there with a photo of some dried flowers that Ben had given me a long time ago, and said that he left. I didn't understand how I could have missed him leaving when I was clinging to his arm the whole time. I was so confused and worried that I woke up and never got to go back and see if the windpeople were there.

and that is STILL really bothering me. I want the windpeople to be real.

I went to the thrift store and looked through tons of stuff. On the fifth floor I found a small box that opened and had some interesting stuff. And another box, with a whole bunch of boxes within it with tiny stuff which I love. So I bought it. I went home (apparently I lived under water) and somebody sent me a bunch of birthday presents. There was a card with a long message explaining what I meant to her, there was a little box with something cool in it, there was a crafting magazine, bags of beads, a big bag with stuffed animals (lil sis was around, so I gave them to her), balloons, ribbons, and there was a circular pop-up table. I could not remember who this person was. I thought that I must have known her in high-school, but I couldn't remember. She gave me so many presents, and most of them were really perfect; she must have known me pretty well.

I was in a bedroom where I was supposed to be tutoring lil sis. This dust kept coming in until it piled up on the ceiling and wall; it made everything white. My dad came in and was perplexed. Esther had been sitting on the roof, so she was out of the dust. My dad commented that that was smart, and he sat on the roof a little while, petting Esther.

Scene changed:

I was in a big bedroom, and Kristen was there; she wanted to move in with me. I thought that would be fun, so we started re-arranging the furniture. Then I got distracted with something and when I came back in, she had hung a very colorful tent-like thing from the ceiling, but I wanted it away from the window; I wanted to put my desk with the computer next to the window; Kristen got very grumpy about that. She eventually gave in, for it was my bedroom, and Ben started helping us hang it back in a different way.

The other night I dreamed of Angelina Jolie coming to my (old) house and dancing and singing worship songs with me and my little sister...
then the next night I dreamed of gathering humans onto a spaceship to leave the planet we were on because it was full of another sentient being that knew nothing but hate. There were humans who had grown to be as hate-consumed as the aliens, and they would be left behind, destroyed with the rest -- I felt sorrow, but knew it was necessary. As I was gathering these people (some were in prisons held by the aliens -- my old woostock house had been converted into a prison -- and I had to hold onto them and fly out), Eminem came up to me and I gathered him and his friend into my car. He was asking me many questions, mostly dealing with those being left behind. (All humans were offered the chance, (without knowing that we were going to blow up the planet) and those who chose to stay were the hate-consumed ones) It was hard for him because nearly everyone he knew was going to stay. But he chose to come.

--- In both of those dreams they came to me. Since I hadn't really been thinking about either lately (though I love them in a way people not like me cannot understand) it seems a sign to me -- that God wants me to pray for them. They both lead such difficult lives -- struggling to maintain themselves in a world that screams, "CHANGE! CHANGE! Your natural self is wrong, stupid, bad, evil! You're not good enough!" They're in my heart; if they could know that and understand what it means I think it would be a bit of comfort to them.

Last night I had a bizarre dream of a woman that gave me things (all kinds of gorgeous beads, new contacts) -- and then demanded that I repay her. I didn't have enough money, so she said, "But you can write on your story, can't you? Write!" At that, my mind went hazy and I saw a face which slowly widened into a scene of a girl on a horse, which widened to a storyline -- but then it confused itself into mundane life, with Paula and such.