---- TW/CN: slurs are used within this post without asterisks ----
---- TW/CN: discussion of systemic & personal abuse of cognitively disabled people ----

( continue )

Another side note: not everyone CAN change their vocabulary; for some people training out or replacing slurs takes too much cognitive effort, or requires a kind of word control that they do not have (I have heard this particularly from autistic people and people who deal with aphasia). No one can know from the outside who is able to train it out and who isn't, but I hope that people who are able to will make the effort. If we do, eventually these words will become obsolete and thus easier for everyone to avoid.

Here is a list of ableist terms to avoid and non-ableist words to express negative feelings. But on the list of non-ableist words I would avoid 'ignoramus' because having knowledge is a privilege and so insulting someone for lack of knowledge is a very similar problem. Basically, if you want to insult a person or thing, make sure that you are not insulting them by relating them to a devalued group of people, because this further harms that group of people.

prompt from kehlen_crow: What stands in the way of you making enough money to feel relatively secure?

Someone recognizing my skills and hiring me for them. If all people cared about was skills I'd have a job already, but they care more about credentials. I'm hoping and praying for this one particular job that would use my skills, allow me to do good, AND help me go back to school for my master's, which I'd like to do in a few years. I would do better than most people who have more school than me - I am 100% certain that I would do better than most people with masters' and 95% certain that I would do better than 95% of people who would apply. No one could be better than me at passion and drive, very few would know anywhere near as much as I do, and very few would have more relevant life experience to inform the work.

I just wish that getting a job wasn't such a political dance that rewards owners of really expensive paper and punishes people who achieved excellence without having it spoon-fed to them. Ugh. Doesn't help that I'm read as a woman! The wage gap increases with each level of education. To make as much as a man with a bachelor's, I have to have a masters. And it gets worse from there.

Dear 'intellectually-minded' white men who just want to have a 'reasonable conversation':

You start out by asking me a question after I have pointed out something problematic. Even though I know that it's rare that people in general are willing to learn from a stranger, and that as a white dude you're far less likely than average to be willing to learn, I give you the benefit of the doubt. Just in case you're sincere (and for the sake of non-responsive readers who might actually seek knowledge), I offer you a starting point for you to self-educate. This is partly because it would take a minimum of several verbal hours or 20 written pages to explain even the basics, and partly to test your willingness to learn. You respond by explaining why that starting point is wrong (after a max of 20 minutes of web searching). You think this is a conversation between equals.

I know it's really fun for you to have a theoretical discussion where you get to feel all 'edgy' with your advocating for the devil. You feel mentally stimulated and awake for the first time in who-knows-how-long. It's a startling novelty to you for someone to bluntly disagree and it's refreshing to go down new neural pathways. You're excited to find yourself on a new intellectual jungle gym. Also, you feel really sure you can win because you think clever conversation is about playing tricks and laying traps and you think there is no objective answer, so you can claim to win no matter what. In fact, your rule for winning is "get the last word."

But then I don't want to play, and at first you just don't take my no seriously. Then, when you realize I mean it, you're deeply offended. You just offered me the greatest gift of all - your attention - and you expected me to respond with eager attempts to persuade you to join my side. You really feel I owe you my attention because you gave me yours. You handed me a one-in-a-million chance to affect your thinking and I just threw that treasure in the trash! You feel insulted that I didn't cradle and nurture that rare chance - after all, you rarely give it to someone who isn't of your class. It's like your opinion doesn't even matter! On top of all that offense, you feel cheated out of your fun, and worst of all there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Not that that stops you.

I tell you I don't want to talk to you, and like a bad telemarketer you respond by pulling out all the stops to try and force me to talk to you. You trot out a few carefully-aimed insults and explain to me all the wonders I'm missing out on by not talking to you more. You're super reasonable and if only I had tried a little harder you probably would have given me that carrot. Instead, my obstinence has removed the chance of you giving a shit about justice. I've ruined everything by not convincing you, the bastion of reason and kindness, that there is a problem you should notice and act on. Too bad for all those people suffering injustice (who were nonexistent before I stopped bothering with you).

Too bad for you, I've heard every single bit of this bullshit already.

I don't care about winning and I genuinely don't care what motive you ascribe to my disengagement. I know you will refuse to believe that it's because your ignorant regurgitation of societal norms bores me and talking to you wastes my time and effort. You, boring? Inconceivable! Literally! You can't imagine it! Instead, you decide (and you let me know) that I just don't care enough about my causes, because if I did I would put in the work to win you over (and you pretend that's a possibility; you may even fool yourself). Your ideas are unique and vital and of course I've never been in this situation before. Or perhaps you decide that I don't know enough to argue, that if I did I wouldn't be able to resist laying it all out to win. Maybe you decide I'm lazy, or that I was lying.

Guess what? I don't give a shit, because I know the difference between an argument and a conversation. I will not argue, especially with someone whose ratio of knowledge to me is kindergartner to PhD. You cannot contribute anything meaningful with such a knowledge imbalance, any more than a U.S. kindergartener could tell a Swedish history professor about the various aspects of Swedish government over time. When you act like your ideas have relevance it's just annoying. I know that if I try to explain that your ignorance makes your opinion useless, you will get excited by further argument without even considering the possibility that you might actually be ignorant.

I know damn well what an actually reasonable person does when they learn of an injustice they were previously unaware of. They do not try to 'disprove' it: that is not a reasonable reaction to learning something new. They self-educate. If it sounds ridiculous to them, they look up what experts on the subject who agree with this position say*. A reasonable person knows they cannot learn about a topic by looking up things that contradict it. If it is a faulty position, you can discover that by the lack of evidence (if you know enough about the subject to create a decent search). If it's true, you won't find that out by searching for how to argue against it.

When you reacted to my initial offer of resources with "those aren't legit because..." I knew that you weren't speaking from years of study. I knew you weren't actually interested in learning. You're just trying to win. You want to play with other people's lives like game pieces and wax on about your ludicrously fact-less theories instead of discussing practical methods of righting injustice. I will not give you pleasure at my expense.

* For example, when someone told me that men are oppressed by women, I responded by looking up articles in support of such a theory, even though as an expert on the subject I could safely assume that they were simply wrong. Their legitimate examples of oppression were misattributed to women when in reality they were caused by sexism and racism (unable to dress how they want, getting imprisoned more often, etc.) Most of their examples were illegitimate because they were factually wrong. For instance, white men tend to get custody when they ever make an effort and the apparent disparity in custody disputes is primarily due to lack of desire. There was nothing I hadn't heard before, and the whole concept displayed a ludicrous lack of understanding as to how oppression works. If I hadn't already known the statistics involved I would have needed to look them up. If I hadn't already done many hours of study on how oppression works, I would need to have done that in order to tell that what they were calling 'oppression by women' was not.

See also: The White Folks Who Need “Proof of Racism”: "The whole point of them asking me to convince them is so that could pretend and tout that they made a good-faith effort all while hiding the fact that the goal was always to never be convinced."

This past week has been hugely full of activity, partly from school and partly from Anika's visit. I feel like I haven't had any down time in a month, BUT all my biggest assignments are now done and my spring break has officially started, so I'm hoping to spend a lot of time on art and writing and the various meaningful things that I have been putting off. Having Anika visit this week has been kinda perfect, because the experiences we've shared have been intensely nourishing and magical and so I am going into spring break more nourished than drained, which means it will actually be helpful.

Today was the second time it hasn't worked out for me to go to the Sikh chanting I've been wanting to experience, and my next chance is two weeks away. I'm disappointed but the unpredictable nature of the interruptions (alarm getting turned off by someone else one week, staying home to take care of a suddenly ill topaz the next week) make me feel like it was meant to happen that way.

Did I mention that my meds have been changed? The one I am on now is SO much more effective. I was thinking about adding buproprion back but now this one seems to be working fine. The psychiatrist seemed convinced that the old med and this one should affect me the same, but they clearly don't, even though this is a slightly lower dose, proportionately. It'll be nice to not need to change something every month.

Then Monday and today have been semi-productive but disappointing. I'm not quite sure what I was expecting of myself. I did get my room tidy, go through my wardrobe and remove the stuff that I don't actually wear and bag it for donation, hang up my rainbow drip lights from Topaz, final-edit one fractal and create another, and do a little general house cleaning, but good grief, it's so little stuff for so much time. I guess I was more wiped out than I realized. Every obligation that comes up I want to shove away with a red-hot poker. I don't feel able to be there for anyone, which makes me feel shitty. I don't know what it would take for me to actually feel rested.

I think I need to stay off of facebook, for one, that sucks so much out of me. People are constantly shitty, stabbing me with slurs and being racist and sexist and etc. I am not sure how to reduce my use while still being able to use all the good bits (events and keeping up with the few who don't say awful things). Just realized a that I should make a custom reading list for when I can't deal... and in making it, realized that there are a multiplicity of ways that people are exhausting. The one that sticks out the most is when people use slurs or express oppressive ideas, but ugh. Maybe I'm just tired of people.

sick and tired of being overwhelmed. I had a pile of things planned tomorrow and just stripped them down to barest minimum. I have got to get to a better place this week because next week starts the grind again!

I'm SO BLOODY FUCKING VOMITSUCKING SCREAMSCRATCHING GRUMPY UGH. Tomorrow, be better. I mean it.

from bunnika: What are your feelings on education at large? Its necessity (or lack thereof), benefits, downsides, cost. Feel free to include all levels of education that you have opinions on from preschool through grad school.

I think free public education is absolutely necessary, and the way the US does it is super shitty. I think at least 50% of what kids are taught is USELESS and the other 50% is barely a beginning. Also the way schools are funded is horrifically classist and awful. There's a zillionty problems with it. I'm just gonna talk about what I think should be done instead.

I think writing is a necessary class every year, and maybe 3 grades of arithmetic. In addition, critical analysis (where people learn to absorb media in critical ways) should alternate with self-development (where people learn to be self-aware and express themselves) every year. Every year there should be a 'basic skills' class which teaches things like laundry, gardening, nutrition, stretching, etc. Other than that, kids should have to take one class in each of many practical specialties before high school, and then in high school they should choose their own classes. It should be possible to go to 9th grade and learn neuroscience, baking, construction, gymnastics, and horticulture (in 101 classes of course). The idea that every kid should learn the same basics for THIRTEEN FUCKING YEARS is part of the reason we have so few actual thinkers and so many people who get stuck in their ruts. If it was all mixed up and by choice, kids would absorb new information from their friends constantly and naturally, and it would be actual consensual learning instead of meaningless obedience and memorization. Kids would learn that the world is full of really cool information and they'd develop an interest in learning and in self-educating. Also, other than tests on reading and basic math (not quite sure how those should be handled), everything should be graded by portfolio. You should be judged by how productive you have been and how much you have improved, never by how well you meet an external standard.

College should not need to have any 'core classes' because everyone should already have been exposed to enough paths to feel sure of which one(s) they want to invest further study in. And college should not be restrictive! if a person can do the work in a class they should be able to take it even if it has nothing to do with their main courses of study. For grading, a teacher should collect work and give feedback along the way and then at the end of the course give pass or fail (you learned the basic concepts or you didn't).

Grad school? I think if college was done right, this would just be a part of regular college. There should be further classes in any specialty that would benefit from a deeper understanding, but they shouldn't give you a new title/rank. You should take them only if you actually just want to know more. Classes should be things that get listed on resumes, not degrees.

I think most of the education system as it stands is mediocre bordering on abusive of both teachers and students (which is why so many good teachers burn out, and so many creative people drop out). I hate it. But I love and admire everyone who gets in it to try to make it better for the students. A teacher with enough passion can make up for a lot of the failures of the system but that is NOT the system functioning as it is designed. Those teachers have to break the system to save their students. The system is built to create drones, not educated lively productive people.

I've been so overwhelmed this week; social without a break and a lot of that social was stressful. Last night I had planned to read for class and write and LJ, but instead I just watched hour after hour of Netflix. I couldn't get myself to stop, until an hour past when I had intended to go to sleep. I'm not entirely sure if the problem is meds-fail or emotional exhaustion or both. I hate it. But it helped to be uselessly absorbing for a while. I was able to finally do some necessary things today (bills and cleaning).

I went to my black feminisms class today which was really fantastic as usual; we talked about friendship and at one point, one of the professors asked everyone who wanted deep meaningful friendship to raise their hands. Everyone did. All but two of that class are people I think I'd like to be friends with. I wanted to ask people afterwards... even just one, but I couldn't do it. I left, and once I got to the parking deck I just started crying. I felt so useless and cowardly. I just can't initiate friendship in person: online is all I know how to do. I feel like someone who can't perform the most basic task of socializing. And I feel shamed because of the social attitude that online communication or online anything is inferior. So I don't want to make my inferior invitation to friendship.

Also I seem to always fail when I try to make friends. The only ones that have stuck are ones that reached out to me first. I have so many failed attempts. I'm not actually passive at starting friendship, I just fail constantly. I don't get it. Am I shit at choosing people? Or is there some quality that only exists if people initiate with me? Does no one take the way I initiate seriously? Or what? why can't I overcome this? maybe the strangeness is in the other direction, that I try to match or exceed the amount of effort the other has invested, but most people don't.

This Thursday was a very eventful and nourishing day. ( school stuff in the morning )

I spent the rest of the day with LilyWolf: we talked for a while and then had prolonged eye contact (like, 20-30 minutes, way more than others can usually do). At that point I realized how tired I was and asked them to drive us to the oneness blessing, which they cheerfully did. The blessing circle was at someone's house instead of a church, and it felt much better. We used to meet in the rooms where the age 10-18 kids spend time, which feels rather chaotic and exposed: the room we meet in now is set up as a sanctuary and you can feel the calm infused throughout.

During the blessing, I first felt energy go into me in a kind of shower, flowing through me from the person's hands into the earth and then it sort of bounced back, so it was this ellipse flowing through me. That was true for the first few times, and then I started to feel a sort of pressure/fullness in the center of my forehead each time. As usual my thoughts got more clarified and creative as the hour moved forward, and I felt a sense of relief in my brain. I was really glad to have gone, just for that, and reminded of how good it is for me to go regularly because it has a cumulative effect and one of the things it seems to do is heal my mind a little from the ways that ADD stresses it.

Giving the blessing felt a little awkward and barely-trickling at first, because it had been so long since I did it last, but it opened up with each instance. With one person, I felt they had a sort of stern maternal deity, and when I let it flow from them through me to the person, I started to feel like I was floating up from my feet! I've never felt anything like that before and it was really unexpected from such a deity. The next person in the circle, I felt a sense of white flowy sweet gentleness that reminded me of Isis or Quan Yin but I don't think it was either of those, perhaps a saint. Then there was the one who always feels so open that it is super easy to flow with them: every time I give them the blessing I see a moonlit waterfall in a dense forest, and I feel that space giving to them (I think they worship a deity but it is always only nature I feel giving to them). Then I gave to LilyWolf and felt/saw a greenish face surrounded by leaves, felt a sense of Celtic isles, and heard the name Caerdwynn (later I looked this up and found Ceridwen). It was shorter than the ones I'm used to but it was every bit as powerful if not more so. I feel very inclined to go every week, and hope that I motivate to do so. It'll be difficult for the next few months because going out in the dark cold is so repulsive to me.

As we headed home we realized we were both very hungry and stopped at one of my favorite Mexican food places (the one with the best salsa) and I impulsively invited Topaz, forgetting how stressful last minute plans are for them. They'd already had a long and shitty day, and it was the last straw. I asked LilyWolf if they minded driving me to Topaz' to give them some delicious food, and they were happy to help, so we went and dropped that off. It helped Topaz feel better, thankfully.

When we got back to the house we had tea and coffee and I asked if they'd like to participate in a ritual for drawing connections in (both general and heart-kin) and they were quite enthused about the idea. So I let them copy my spells down, and gathered the necessary items.

I lit a yellow candle for joy, and then turned on some music so that we could raise energy through dance; that was really powerful. At first I was self-conscious but then I just poured myself into the music and gathered emotion from it. I haven't used dance in ritual deliberately before, but I realized that when I danced in church, it was like this. With singular focus, pulling up emotion deliberately, reaching to connect, to open myself for messages. (with this realization I am astounded at how terrible a structure the church service is, building energy that then doesn't get used at all because they go from that to a break where everyone just mills around! At the very least people should be encouraged to end with a prayer that focuses all that energy) As I danced, I felt it shift from just being my body interacting with the sound, to being my emotions interacting with the words, until it became movement that expressed the song as purely as if I was singing it straight out of the initial inspiration. Like a rebirth of the song, through motion.

Next I lit a rainbow candle and LilyWolf and I chanted my spell for drawing in positive connections, and then lit a green candle and together we chanted the spell for drawing heart connections, three times. At some point I lit vetivert incense, and after chanting the spells we just sat and silently meditated until the incense burned out, repeating the spells once more before the end. We took the candles upstairs and let them burn for a while longer until we went to bed. I re-lit them the next day and plan to light them whenever I am at home for a stretch of time. We infused them with the spell so that every flicker of those candles sends out the same intentions.

So far (within 48 hours), there have been five new sprouts of connection. I'm feeling very positive about the effectiveness of this!

I've had a very weird day, extremely strong emotions about lots of things. Feeling a little insecure about absolutely everything. Feel unspecial, unsexy, unimportant, lost, useless. No good reason.

The only thing I can think of is that I am very scared of school this semester. I feel the need to take a class that is really intense and scares me. I don't think that this fear is rational? But last semester I felt on the verge of losing my mind from stress for a solid month. I don't think that would happen again because my classes all seem to be well organized but now I am afraid I will forget some of the billion assignments. And one of the classes is online which is so easy for me to forget about. Ugh. Need to reset my brain.

Whew. I have been so massively overwhelmed for SO LONG. Not all the overwhelming things are bad but they're just such a lot.

Since the first week of November I've had at least one gigantic stats project due every week. One with a presentation, two that were exams, one that took me over 24 hours (as in, counting the hours spent over a week) to complete... ugh. I think the shortest one was 6 hours, most were at least 8. So fucking much work, and the kind of work that takes all of my brain and leaves me exhausted after.

My car threw a belt at the beginning of October - luckily it was the AC belt so I could keep driving but I held my breath every time because the others were just as worn and if they broke my car would be hopelessly shitted and I might die if it broke at the wrong moment. Finally got that fixed last week but my car's been making a horrible scraping noise and I'm so tired of broken shit I haven't taken it back to get that checked.

In addition, working on some weekends for Topaz' parents (who I feel on high alert around because I have to act normal) to make some food money, a conflict w Kylei that kept getting put off because I was trying to do it in real-time (finally got settled this week because I gave up and sent an email), going to Topaz' family thanksgiving, cleaning/organizing/planning in preparation for solstice, getting/making presents, working a lot on my various art shops and (with Topaz' help) setting up a central facebook page for it, being a support to a friend going through intense trauma, going to Ashe's birthday where there was one person who has an unresolved conflict with me and another who I'm pretty sure hates me, oh, and the loads of hoop jumping for getting meds. And a houseguest who is still a very new person to me (they needed a safe place) - it has turned out wonderfully but I was pretty nervous about it and put a lot of energy into setting it up. Plus I'm sure some other things I can't think of because my memory is shit.

And I'm bad about journaling when I'm actually on LJ because I'm always "well I wanna read first" and then I run out of time. So. This is on my phone.

*deeeeeeep sigh* really hoping that my professors next semester are better organized and don't drop everything on me at the end of the semester.

Also, there's a kind of spiritual shift happening with me, which I haven't had a chance to really explore yet. And my fractal art makes me so fuckin happy, I feel like I have talent with it and I'm building skill quite fast lately. My amazing friend chillychilly22 is supporting my art via patreon and that keeps me motivated, but I have had so little time and I've felt bad about rendering because my stats programs take up just as much effort for the computer and I don't want to cause it damage by running it full throttle all the time. Overall though, I've been making stuff I'm super proud of, and I've even had two strangers buy my art! Can't wait to make new things over my (very short and busy) break. School ended late and starts early, what is that. And I'm going to visit my bioparents (and Anika) over New Years, which is a stress hanging over me. It'll mean a thirteen hour bus ride each way, which (except for visiting Anika) will be the fun part.

Next week, I have 6 things to make to finish up my solstice gifts, and I've gotta help Topaz finish preparing for guests. Also Abby is visiting, then Kat and Anika! SO MUCH HAPPEN.

My life has been completely snowed under for the past two weeks by three big stats assignments all due NOW. I've been incredibly stressed about it, but only because they're a huge percent of my grade, not because of the actual work. I feel really confident about my skills with stats.

Both of my classes involve primarily coding, which is really pleasing to my brain because even though it is very demanding of precision, the program will tell me immediately if I have made a mistake and if so where I should look to fix it. I like the puzzle of fixing the mistakes and I'd actually enjoy it less if I never made any mistakes. My favorite thing by far is looking at this code and that code and realizing that I can cut them up and recombine them and get code that works for something else entirely. I love the logic of it. It feels really good to my brain, and makes me feel satisfied afterward. I even think on the logic when I'm not actually working on stats. I also love that there are almost always at least three ways to get the same information.

I'm so relieved to no longer be in early stats classes that require implanting numbers into equations, because I have mild dyslexia when it comes to numbers and it takes me a MASSIVE amount of concentration to put all the numbers in correctly. And of course, when I transpose a 9 and a 6, the answer still looks right: I can't look at it and logically realize that something's wrong. And there is only one right way and one right answer. I hate not crossing one t and ruining all the work I've done. With code I never have to touch the numbers.

Interestingly to me, I don't think that this is true for most people in my classes. They seem to have mostly come from math backgrounds and they express less comfort with the logic/reasoning side. I guess that "only one right answer" appeals to some people (me, it repulses). If I had realized earlier that there are entire categories called 'math' which have logic-based problems rather than arithmetic-based problems, I'd have explored math a lot more.

Today was incredibly horribly stressful. First I couldn't fall asleep because I was anxious about the day ahead so I only got 4 hours sleep, then I had to wear a feminine-professional costume for the poster presentation which I felt woefully underprepared for because I just had no idea what to expect, then a final exam immediately afterwards, then stressing out because I felt an urgent need to finish off my take-home final exam and send it off so it would stop hanging over my head- - but I couldn't get the program to work on topaz' computer so I had to go back to school and of course the computer lab I usually use was closed so I had to go to the library where the first computer just didn't work and the second one froze my hands off (it's right under the air vent). I finally got that done and wanted to reward/calm myself so I went to an indie coffeehouse near my school and got a latte which turned out to be SO CRAP I couldn't drink it (and I will drink mediocre lattes because I hate to waste). Then, massive headache partly from not having eaten before 8:30pm after being awake since 7am and partly from no caffeine since I couldn't drink the crap latte! ARGH!  Also that coffeehouse is on my shit list for only hiring young white guys.

But I got to play and cuddle with topaz, making ridiculously silly crude jokes and laughing a lot. We feel back in sync.  We had an intense conversation the other night about exercise shame and some recurring insecurities about sex.

Shame is a very rare emotion for me: if you walked in on me masturbating or pooping I'd just ask you to leave and I wouldn't even think about it later. I've had sex in front of lots of strangers without a blush and I'm naked on the internet. There's really only one thing that makes me feel shame and it's exercise. I never used to feel this way, because even though I have never been thin I used to be very fit. I'm not fit right now and showing that to another person makes me feel the most intense shame. It's like I felt confident and fuck-you about my fatness when I was also fit, but now my confidence is fragile and I have no armour to protect me from judgement. I didn't even realize my fitness gave me that armour until it was gone. Now I really want to build my core strength and get my stamina back, but I'm so limited because it's boring to do alone and I feel incapable of doing it with someone else due to the shame. I talked about this with Topaz and told zir that I want zir to encourage me, invite me to join zir, and reassure me that ze doesn't find me gross when I exercise.  Ze was happy to offer those things.

The worries about sex came from my intro to sex as "my job to give pleasure" and worrying that if I wasn't doing Topaz' favorite thing in sex every time then I wasn't going to make zir happy. Ze assured me that ze doesn't want the same thing every time and that the variety in our sex is what ze wants.  We haven't had much sex in the past few months because of the intense shit in zir life sapping all zir energy, and even though I know logically and intuitively that it's not true, there's still some old damage that says "this must be because you aren't doing the right things /don't want the same things."

I maybe should be asleep but I want to get something in here because I want to make May a post-every-day month. happiness or groans at this idea? Also I want to do this: 750 words but not every day, maybe every third day or maybe just randomly when I've got time.

I'm also procrastinating going to bed because I'm so nervous about tomorrow, I have to present a poster at a "very competitive" event. I didn't think it would be such a big deal when I decided to do it (it seemed more fun than a paper), but there are prizes and professionals speaking and aghhhhh SO NERVOUS. I've been warned (by my professor) that my poster will be picked apart, but my prof seemed to think it was pretty good so hopefully I'm not about to endure serious embarrassment. still, *jitters!* at least tomorrow afternoon it will be DONE (and then I have an exam immediately following of course).

My parents are in town (they picked the worst possible week) and they are staying in a hotel but they are doing stuff to the house and they are here every day, early until late. That adds a LOT to my stress level because I can't run around naked and I can't avoid interaction. They have been fairly civil which is nice I guess. Oh, and they threw out the big mattress because apparently it wasn't up to par, so now I only have one twin guest bed! but I do have a 4-foot cushion that is good enough to sleep on so hopefully Anika can still stay here and kidlet can sleep on the cushion? Also surprise the downstairs toilet does work, it just leaks a bit.

aghhhh I suppose I should try to sleep!

I had been trying to write that relationship update post for 4 days, but I was so mentally wiped out by the stats project that I've been working on that it took until now (after it was finished and then I had about 24 hours of sleep and brain-rest via silly shows) to be able to get started. I felt pretty frustrated with it. It's because I let too much build up and it got overwhelming so it took a long while to get the necessary energy to do it. Also on Thursday I had a super ADD-y night where I was able to start and work on stuff but it took 3 times as long as it should have because I kept getting distracted.

But this week, I planned carefully and got everything done. Saturday I did my homework for stats (due Wednesday), and Monday (very late) I did my reading and response for Love and Sex (due Tuesday night) and Tuesday I started work on my final project for stats and got to a point of done-enough so that I could get useful feedback from my professor Wednesday morning, I planned time for my Geography homework Wednesday and got it in with plenty of time, and Thursday (very late) I finished my final project (due Friday by 5pm). So the fact that I got so distracted Thursday night is not actually representative of my current mind-state with getting shit done.

I don't know why it happened, maybe it's just a thing that happens when I get in an argument (I don't do that very often; usually I disengage if it's not a productive conversation). I don't think I would have bothered except that it was with a person that Kylei likes so I thought there was hope for being listened to. Nope. That person unfriended me (I hate how facebook not only refuses to tell you who has unfriended you, they don't let any third party programs tell you either. fuck you facebook). No I don't care about your feelings when you defend use of a slur. The entitlement of thinking you deserve my politeness when you've just been hatefully rude, holy shit. Also, groaning with disgust at your rudeness is NOT disrespect, nor is paraphrasing your bullshit: it's just impolite. You're just not used to people talking back. You using slurs is fine, but me saying 'ugh' and calling your argument ridiculous is 'disrespect'? fuck that shit.

The more I think about this the angrier I get. You spent all that time trying to convince me that I was ruining the movement by being annoyed with you. Well now I'm pretty well determined not to engage with your type in a 'nice' way ever. I DON'T OWE YOU MY POLITENESS. YOU NEED TO EARN IT. And frankly it's a damn good litmus test as to your investment in ethics: if you won't correct yourself when someone tells you you're wrong in a rude way, then you wouldn't really have changed if they'd told you in a 'nice' way, you'd just have bothered to pretend. I know better and I'm not going to be convinced by your lies.

I've been writing less recently because I've been feeling swamped by school, and doing a lot of distracting to cope. My stats class has only 5 graded pieces for the whole semester and 3 of them are due the last two weeks of the semester. Even though I find the second half of the material a lot easier, just the fact that I could get an A or completely flunk and not know it until the final grades are in is exhausting and terrifying. I did finish my homework early (just have to give it one more look-over before I submit it) and I do have two whole days to finish my final project, and the final exam is mostly on stuff I like and am good at, but UGH at having no real concept of how well I am doing in the class. My other two classes are not stressful for me except that they take time I could be spending on stats.

I did manage to clean today at least. I have some stuff I want to write on but my brain is fried so I am going to go to sleep and hope to write when I wake up.

I am ridiculously stressed right now. Partly due to unexplained physical pain, partly due to having a shitton of homework due in the next two days (which I had intended to do all tonight but now I think that is not going to happen), and partly due to missing Kylei already as I have not being really able to fully connect to zir because school is so intense right now, and a lot due to the fact that Thursday evening Kylei is leaving for ten days. I've spent some of this evening trying (and failing) to do schoolwork, most of it crying and trying to find ways to ease my physical pain (which, honestly, I think is just a reaction to stress). I'm now writing in an attempt to get past the lack of productivity and general upsetness. I just want to cuddle with Kylei and cry. and I want to feel better. And I don't want to do my homework.

*goes to attempt homework*

It's been ages since I wrote -- partly from busyness and partly because I was so freaking stressed about financial stuff that I could not spend time in reflective mindspace or I'd fixate on it. My financial aid finally came in this week (two and a half weeks into the semester, having no books) so I have a little room to breathe. and so much has been going on, argh, I'm frustrated that I haven't written.

Things are SO busy, I've scheduled weekly dates -- one with Kyle and one with Abby -- and I've started seeing Arizona again. When we broke up in November, it was mostly because at that point Arizona intended to stay at Serendipity for the rest of zir life, and wanted to be with someone who could become part of that family too. I couldn't do that and Arizona couldn't help hoping for it and it was making us both sad. But now zir life has taken a different turn, ze's making new roots with a new lover that ze's very serious with, and there are possibilities between us again. And it's pretty amazing -- I don't feel like the sad parts or separation damaged our connection at all; it feels even stronger than before. I think we're both much more 'ourselves' than we were when last we were together and when we touch and make eye contact I feel like a plant soaking up the sun. It's just so purely nourishing. Although I realized recently that the breakup was much harder for Arizona than for me, because I always thought that we'd get back together in a year or two, but ze thought we were over forever. I think one of the lessons I am most grateful for learning/believing is that if you have a true connection, and you leave space open for it, it will always come back (even though you can't predict when). When I lost Hannah the first time I thought I was going to die, and losing Aurilion the first time crushed me too -- but after a time, we reconnected. These things are too real to die (I think sometimes they might hibernate until the next lifetime, but they're eternal).

Classes are 3/4ths pretty cool, and 1/4th INFURIATING. ( ignorance and prejudice are ESPECIALLY INEXCUSABLE if people are trusting you to teach them )

My biosib S was in town last week and I went to dinner with zir and my bioparent M. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was surprised. The evening ended up being S and I talking about real things, much to M's consternation (ze shook zir head and pursed zir lips and drew zir eyebrows but mostly stayed out of it). S asked who I was dating and I answered, which sparked a whole conversation about polyamory and queerness. The poly was a short conversation but the queerness conversation went on for a while -- S asked how it fit with my [religion/beliefs (can't remember the word ze used)] and I said, "ummm, it just fits? that's a vague question." Then ze tried to come up with a better question and I said that I understood that the church has an anti-homosexuality doctrine, but it's based on a handful of verses taken out of context and misinterpreted. M tried to challenge me and then got a bit intimidated because I clearly know those verses better than ze does. Then someone mentioned Sodom and I said that the sexual sin of Sodom was rape, and to claim otherwise is to say rape isn't that big of a deal. Which somehow got us on the topic of marital rape, and I tried to explain consent and coercion to S, which I think mostly went over zir head, but I think some of it got through. And M said that it wasn't rape unless it was forced and I corrected that lie (sternly). I was a little drunk by that point because S bought me a margarita and it was REALLY strong. But I was pretty happy that I didn't back down or even feel like backing down and it was actually kind of a relief to be able to confront those ideas directly with people I don't think will get it. With people whom I perceive as actually WANTING to understand ask, I speak so carefully, trying to say just the right thing. I think it's counterproductive sometimes, but I feel responsible. I think it might be better if I could stop worrying whether or not an individual is "won to the cause," and just say "that's ignorant and prejudiced, and here's why." I think the overcaution is the equivalent of trying to save people -- I need to stop thinking that I have the power to change people's minds, and just be naked and blunt and if they seem open, THEN speak carefully. I need to try for people who actually care instead of trying for everyone. Throw seeds everywhere, but only water the ones that sprout.

Anyway I ended up being impressed by how S listened, and decided that I wanted to try to have a friendship with zir. Amusingly, this is an attitude I developed from being poly. I learned that I could still find value in relationships that were the emotional equivalent of candy, because it wasn't that or nothing. I can have candy AND food that will actually nourish and satisfy me. I don't think I will ever be super close with S, but I think that ze can be a good way for me to learn communications that I won't otherwise learn, and I think I can help zir learn about people who are different from zir.

It's been ages since I wrote -- partly from busyness and partly because I was so freaking stressed about financial stuff that I could not spend time in reflective mindspace or I'd fixate on it. My financial aid finally came in this week (two and a half weeks into the semester, having no books) so I have a little room to breathe. and so much has been going on, argh, I'm frustrated that I haven't written.

Things are SO busy, I've scheduled weekly dates -- one with Kyle and one with Abby -- and I've started seeing Arizona again. When we broke up in November, it was mostly because at that point Arizona intended to stay at Serendipity for the rest of zir life, and wanted to be with someone who could become part of that family too. I couldn't do that and Arizona couldn't help hoping for it and it was making us both sad. But now zir life has taken a different turn, ze's making new roots with a new lover that ze's very serious with, and there are possibilities between us again. And it's pretty amazing -- I don't feel like the sad parts or separation damaged our connection at all; it feels even stronger than before. I think we're both much more 'ourselves' than we were when last we were together and when we touch and make eye contact I feel like a plant soaking up the sun. It's just so purely nourishing. Although I realized recently that the breakup was much harder for Arizona than for me, because I always thought that we'd get back together in a year or two, but ze thought we were over forever. I think one of the lessons I am most grateful for learning/believing is that if you have a true connection, and you leave space open for it, it will always come back (even though you can't predict when). When I lost Hannah the first time I thought I was going to die, and losing Aurilion the first time crushed me too -- but after a time, we reconnected. These things are too real to die (I think sometimes they might hibernate until the next lifetime, but they're eternal).

Classes are 3/4ths pretty cool, and 1/4th INFURIATING. ( ignorance and prejudice are ESPECIALLY INEXCUSABLE if people are trusting you to teach them )

My biosib S was in town last week and I went to dinner with zir and my bioparent M. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was surprised. The evening ended up being S and I talking about real things, much to M's consternation (ze shook zir head and pursed zir lips and drew zir eyebrows but mostly stayed out of it). S asked who I was dating and I answered, which sparked a whole conversation about polyamory and queerness. The poly was a short conversation but the queerness conversation went on for a while -- S asked how it fit with my [religion/beliefs (can't remember the word ze used)] and I said, "ummm, it just fits? that's a vague question." Then ze tried to come up with a better question and I said that I understood that the church has an anti-homosexuality doctrine, but it's based on a handful of verses taken out of context and misinterpreted. M tried to challenge me and then got a bit intimidated because I clearly know those verses better than ze does. Then someone mentioned Sodom and I said that the sexual sin of Sodom was rape, and to claim otherwise is to say rape isn't that big of a deal. Which somehow got us on the topic of marital rape, and I tried to explain consent and coercion to S, which I think mostly went over zir head, but I think some of it got through. And M said that it wasn't rape unless it was forced and I corrected that lie (sternly). I was a little drunk by that point because S bought me a margarita and it was REALLY strong. But I was pretty happy that I didn't back down or even feel like backing down and it was actually kind of a relief to be able to confront those ideas directly with people I don't think will get it. With people whom I perceive as actually WANTING to understand ask, I speak so carefully, trying to say just the right thing. I think it's counterproductive sometimes, but I feel responsible. I think it might be better if I could stop worrying whether or not an individual is "won to the cause," and just say "that's ignorant and prejudiced, and here's why." I think the overcaution is the equivalent of trying to save people -- I need to stop thinking that I have the power to change people's minds, and just be naked and blunt and if they seem open, THEN speak carefully. I need to try for people who actually care instead of trying for everyone. Throw seeds everywhere, but only water the ones that sprout.

Anyway I ended up being impressed by how S listened, and decided that I wanted to try to have a friendship with zir. Amusingly, this is an attitude I developed from being poly. I learned that I could still find value in relationships that were the emotional equivalent of candy, because it wasn't that or nothing. I can have candy AND food that will actually nourish and satisfy me. I don't think I will ever be super close with S, but I think that ze can be a good way for me to learn communications that I won't otherwise learn, and I think I can help zir learn about people who are different from zir.

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )

( blatherings about illness and school stress )

Also Anita is visiting zir parent in [Mississippi? Missouri? some M-state] and Chip and Christa and the kids went on a camping trip, so it's just Kim and I here and the house feels SO WEIRD all quiet like this.

( blatherings about illness and school stress )

Also Anita is visiting zir parent in [Mississippi? Missouri? some M-state] and Chip and Christa and the kids went on a camping trip, so it's just Kim and I here and the house feels SO WEIRD all quiet like this.

I had a minor meltdown Saturday night from all the things I wrote about earlier that day. I'm feeling somewhat better now, partly because my repeating to myself, "it's okay to fail, it's okay for things to fall apart, you can always put them back together again" finally sank in, partly because the "scary" professor gave me good marks on my first paper despite my mistakes (and told me exactly what they were), and partly because yesterday ( I contradicted my sociology professor and ze didn't react negatively at all )

I also realized that part of the reason being around lots of people is bothering me is that I cannot communicate with them all. I've gotten used to at least having the option of discussing meaningful things with everyone I meet and thus mutually breaking down the initial stereotypes. Now I often sit in public areas at school where hundreds of people flow in and out and I cannot possibly talk to them all. I cannot correct their mistaken assumptions about me, nor can I correct my mistaken assumptions about them. It makes me want to wear my thoughts. I think this is part of the reason I used to paint t-shirts in high school -- I wanted a way of communicating SOMETHING true about me with everyone who saw me. And it's the reason I'm feeling increasing urgency about getting some of my tattoos, especially this one that Anita markered on me:

( photos )

and I have more to say on feeling alienated because of genderqueerness and excited about sharing feminism with a curious person but I have to get back to studying now.

I had a minor meltdown Saturday night from all the things I wrote about earlier that day. I'm feeling somewhat better now, partly because my repeating to myself, "it's okay to fail, it's okay for things to fall apart, you can always put them back together again" finally sank in, partly because the "scary" professor gave me good marks on my first paper despite my mistakes (and told me exactly what they were), and partly because yesterday ( I contradicted my sociology professor and ze didn't react negatively at all )

I also realized that part of the reason being around lots of people is bothering me is that I cannot communicate with them all. I've gotten used to at least having the option of discussing meaningful things with everyone I meet and thus mutually breaking down the initial stereotypes. Now I often sit in public areas at school where hundreds of people flow in and out and I cannot possibly talk to them all. I cannot correct their mistaken assumptions about me, nor can I correct my mistaken assumptions about them. It makes me want to wear my thoughts. I think this is part of the reason I used to paint t-shirts in high school -- I wanted a way of communicating SOMETHING true about me with everyone who saw me. And it's the reason I'm feeling increasing urgency about getting some of my tattoos, especially this one that Anita markered on me:

( photos )

and I have more to say on feeling alienated because of genderqueerness and excited about sharing feminism with a curious person but I have to get back to studying now.

It's been four weeks since I started classes again and it just hit me that this path I've committed to is not what I want for my life. I don't want a safe degree and a good job with a steady paycheck. I want to run away, I want to be free, I want to live on the edges and scrape by, I want to live out of my car, I want to have just enough to survive. At this point though, I feel like I've made a commitment and I have to see it through. But everything about it feels so WRONG. The ridiculous hoops one has to jump through to 'prove' that one has learned, the rating of progress by numbers. I loathe it. I just want to live. Why are there so many damn rules about how to do that?

And for whatever reason, it seems to have set off my -- I don't know what to call it, cisgender dysphoria? -- ( I feel completely alienated and disconnected )

It does NOT HELP that people keep faking agreement with my genderfree philosophy and then saying "oh just kidding, I think you're a dumbass/liar/whore." (I'm not kidding or exaggerating) How can I have genuine conversations with people about gender when they either just don't understand what I'm saying or they understand it and don't care about it or they fake agreement to get something and then reveal it for a lie when the attempt fails? Why does no one care that people aren't allowed to be fully human?

I just want to live in a world where everyone is uncomfortable with prefabricated, limited identity and everyone shows their trueself and everyone refuses to rate other people and everyone calls out faking or non-thinking actions. Why is that so fucking impossible to find?

It's been four weeks since I started classes again and it just hit me that this path I've committed to is not what I want for my life. I don't want a safe degree and a good job with a steady paycheck. I want to run away, I want to be free, I want to live on the edges and scrape by, I want to live out of my car, I want to have just enough to survive. At this point though, I feel like I've made a commitment and I have to see it through. But everything about it feels so WRONG. The ridiculous hoops one has to jump through to 'prove' that one has learned, the rating of progress by numbers. I loathe it. I just want to live. Why are there so many damn rules about how to do that?

And for whatever reason, it seems to have set off my -- I don't know what to call it, cisgender dysphoria? -- ( I feel completely alienated and disconnected )

It does NOT HELP that people keep faking agreement with my genderfree philosophy and then saying "oh just kidding, I think you're a dumbass/liar/whore." (I'm not kidding or exaggerating) How can I have genuine conversations with people about gender when they either just don't understand what I'm saying or they understand it and don't care about it or they fake agreement to get something and then reveal it for a lie when the attempt fails? Why does no one care that people aren't allowed to be fully human?

I just want to live in a world where everyone is uncomfortable with prefabricated, limited identity and everyone shows their trueself and everyone refuses to rate other people and everyone calls out faking or non-thinking actions. Why is that so fucking impossible to find?

I'm sorry I've been so absent from LJ lately -- my life's just so crazy busy! I've started school (this is my third week) which has been one problem after another with financial aid and scheduling and transcript fixing, but seems to almost be settled now. I really love the intro-to-sociology professor and science 1102 professors I got, as they both passionately care about their subjects and teach creatively. I'm terrified of my developmental psychology professor because ze has created a billion hoops to jump through just to pass, and seems more invested in molding professionals than in imparting knowledge. I like my philosophy professor but I find it hard to learn from zir teaching style -- ze's not very organized in the way ze lectures. It's interesting to be getting back into school, this time with actual studying skills and motivation to learn for itself and not for grades.

I've also been very caught up in my relationship with Kyle. ( It's really complex... )

And then there's Serendipity! I'm living with (and working for) Anita & Chip & Christa & Kim & their kids now, and that's been an adventure too. I moved in six weeks ago, I think? and I just unpacked "for real" this week. I'm not quite finished (the walls are naked and there are no fairy lights up) but my room looks mine now and I feel home. (I still feel the need to live with my little sister at some point but this feels like exactly the right place for me right now) Kanika seemed instantly comfortable with it (it has such a lovely energy) though ze has yet to get along with any of the other creatures. I've been going 3-4 times a week with Anita and Christa (and occasionally Kyle) to work on painting and fixing up their old house so they can rent it out, and I love that too. I enjoy projects that feel like genuine collective effort, and being able to contribute to the household is really important to me.

So much has been happening I don't really know how to even sketch it. frecklestars came to town for a conference and I got to spend a day with zir, which was really beautiful and amazing. We'd been friends for like three years online and I was sooo nervous about meeting zir but it was just easy and sweet and I adore zir so much! I feel sure that if Kay lived close ze'd become one of my lifesharers (need to write about that term and what it means to me). We're both very busy though, so I don't think it'd work very well to interweave our lives more right now, but after this visit I feel sure that we're going to become closer in the future. Ze also seemed to really enjoy everyone at Serendipity (and vice versa) and got along famously with Kyle (I see them as having a very strong soul connection) so I am hoping ze'll come visit again as soon as ze can ;-)

I wish I had more time to communicate online but I think my LJing is going to be sporadic for a while, dunno how long. If you need to pare down your list to people who communicate pretty regularly, I understand if you cut me and I won't be upset. I'll just unfriend back and then if/when I start posting more regularly I'll add you again and you can decide if you want to start up again at that point.

I'm sorry I've been so absent from LJ lately -- my life's just so crazy busy! I've started school (this is my third week) which has been one problem after another with financial aid and scheduling and transcript fixing, but seems to almost be settled now. I really love the intro-to-sociology professor and science 1102 professors I got, as they both passionately care about their subjects and teach creatively. I'm terrified of my developmental psychology professor because ze has created a billion hoops to jump through just to pass, and seems more invested in molding professionals than in imparting knowledge. I like my philosophy professor but I find it hard to learn from zir teaching style -- ze's not very organized in the way ze lectures. It's interesting to be getting back into school, this time with actual studying skills and motivation to learn for itself and not for grades.

I've also been very caught up in my relationship with Kyle. ( It's really complex... )

And then there's Serendipity! I'm living with (and working for) Anita & Chip & Christa & Kim & their kids now, and that's been an adventure too. I moved in six weeks ago, I think? and I just unpacked "for real" this week. I'm not quite finished (the walls are naked and there are no fairy lights up) but my room looks mine now and I feel home. (I still feel the need to live with my little sister at some point but this feels like exactly the right place for me right now) Kanika seemed instantly comfortable with it (it has such a lovely energy) though ze has yet to get along with any of the other creatures. I've been going 3-4 times a week with Anita and Christa (and occasionally Kyle) to work on painting and fixing up their old house so they can rent it out, and I love that too. I enjoy projects that feel like genuine collective effort, and being able to contribute to the household is really important to me.

So much has been happening I don't really know how to even sketch it. frecklestars came to town for a conference and I got to spend a day with zir, which was really beautiful and amazing. We'd been friends for like three years online and I was sooo nervous about meeting zir but it was just easy and sweet and I adore zir so much! I feel sure that if Kay lived close ze'd become one of my lifesharers (need to write about that term and what it means to me). We're both very busy though, so I don't think it'd work very well to interweave our lives more right now, but after this visit I feel sure that we're going to become closer in the future. Ze also seemed to really enjoy everyone at Serendipity (and vice versa) and got along famously with Kyle (I see them as having a very strong soul connection) so I am hoping ze'll come visit again as soon as ze can ;-)

I wish I had more time to communicate online but I think my LJing is going to be sporadic for a while, dunno how long. If you need to pare down your list to people who communicate pretty regularly, I understand if you cut me and I won't be upset. I'll just unfriend back and then if/when I start posting more regularly I'll add you again and you can decide if you want to start up again at that point.