how do you hope to grow as a spiritual being? what direction(s) do you wish to go for the future? (from here)

I hope to become more intuitive, more skilled at energy work and divination, more able to sense people's spirits and intentions, more able to clear my own issues and moderate my energy flow. My morality is separate from my spirituality (I would still have my morals if I wasn't spiritual), but I of course hope to grow as a moral being and usually the lessons I learn there teach me something about spirituality, and/or unlock new spiritual skills. Direction? I think I want to aim for more spiritual interaction -- less one-way or solo stuff and more back-and-forth and group stuff.

how does (and has) your spirituality shape(d) your day-to-day existence?

It shapes my day-to-day existence in that it gives me a reason to live. That bit of positive surprise and hope that happens when I link up with another being accidentally and that feeling of euphoria and meaning that I get when I link up with another being on purpose are the things that make me able to handle all the struggle and effort.

Even though I'd consider it immoral to abandon my responsibility to make the world better, if I didn't feel like there was a possibility of connecting with other beings in a way that is emotionally meaningful to me, I'd likely kill myself. And by beings I don't mean humans; I mean all beings. However, if I could only connect with non-humans, I probably would abandon my responsibility to make the world better and go live away from humans. I don't think this is the moral choice, but it is likely the one I would make in that case.

how does it intersect with your own concepts of identity? how much or little has this fluctuated over the course of your life?

It doesn't interact very much with my concept of identity now. I consider identity to be the way that you define yourself to help others understand you. Even though my spirituality is essential to me living, understanding my spirituality is not necessary to understand the vast majority of me.

People use different words and intellectual concepts for this thing that fuels my life; I don't need them to identify as spiritual to feel the kind of connection with them that fuels me. I feel positive that I could have felt very connected with Carl Sagan, because of the value they placed on recognizing interconnectedness and the wonder they expressed so freely. I don't care what words one uses has as long as one can do the thing where I feel connected.

how do you benefit from your beliefs? on the other hand, are you disadvantaged in any way by them?

I don't think I necessarily benefit or am disadvantaged by my beliefs. My beliefs morph as needed to suit my growth. I do not have spiritual beliefs that I build my selfhood on, which I think is the way to benefit or be disadvantaged by beliefs. I think most people use beliefs as the foundation for their house of self, but for me they're more like a collection of tents, any of which can be taken down without me having to rebuild everything else -- and it is extremely unlikely that all of them would get smashed at once.

( challenges, otherkin )

So I made a second journal -- belbabble -- mainly to house my tweets (under lj-cuts) because I've made some very interesting (to me) little snippets before and they're gone now so I wanna start saving them but I don't want them cluttering up my REAL journal. (feel free to add that LJ if you want, but I don't promise anything interesting) I might also use that LJ to post bits of conversation or links or thought-seeds which aren't developed enough for here. I'm not sure yet on that, but I have been SO blathery lately that it may actually happen. It's weird, I thought that being busier would lead to me not posting but it seems to have the opposite effect. I wish I was better at responding to comments though; I gotta figure out how to change that without sending myself into a spiral of guilty avoidance. I absolutely do read and value everything y'all say, and feel so honored to be able to read the amazing thoughts you share in your own journals.

( And I have two cool stories to share, with my hairdresser and with a random customer :D )

God/dess I love people! Being a barista at an independent coffeehouse (in a racially/culturally diverse area) really is my dream job, almost as much as counseling. Or maybe bartending, that would be freaking AWESOME. I want to talk to strangers all day long and bring them even just a little bit of joy or inspiration.

Ohh, and last week Sakka mentioned a story of healing and it reminded me of an experience I had at age 13. I went over to a couple's house to do some sort of cleaning/organizing work but just a little bit after I arrived the woman (who was pregnant) started experiencing a lot of pain, and got very worried. I asked if it would be okay if I laid hands on zir belly and prayed for zir, and ze said yes. When I did, the pain subsided. They still called my parents to get me and went to the hospital to get checked out, but they credited my prayers with healing power (I forget what ended up being the problem) and I remember that was such an intense experience for me. I was so calm and full of faith -- I had NO DOUBT. I don't know if my prayers actually changed something physical or if the panic was causing the pain and my prayers gave zir enough faith to be calm, but whichever, I do consider it a miracle. I miss being that sure that I could call on Deity and always get instant help. I've been rebuilding my faith for a long time now but it's not yet as strong as it was when I was a child.

So I made a second journal -- belbabble -- mainly to house my tweets (under lj-cuts) because I've made some very interesting (to me) little snippets before and they're gone now so I wanna start saving them but I don't want them cluttering up my REAL journal. (feel free to add that LJ if you want, but I don't promise anything interesting) I might also use that LJ to post bits of conversation or links or thought-seeds which aren't developed enough for here. I'm not sure yet on that, but I have been SO blathery lately that it may actually happen. It's weird, I thought that being busier would lead to me not posting but it seems to have the opposite effect. I wish I was better at responding to comments though; I gotta figure out how to change that without sending myself into a spiral of guilty avoidance. I absolutely do read and value everything y'all say, and feel so honored to be able to read the amazing thoughts you share in your own journals.

( And I have two cool stories to share, with my hairdresser and with a random customer :D )

God/dess I love people! Being a barista at an independent coffeehouse (in a racially/culturally diverse area) really is my dream job, almost as much as counseling. Or maybe bartending, that would be freaking AWESOME. I want to talk to strangers all day long and bring them even just a little bit of joy or inspiration.

Ohh, and last week Sakka mentioned a story of healing and it reminded me of an experience I had at age 13. I went over to a couple's house to do some sort of cleaning/organizing work but just a little bit after I arrived the woman (who was pregnant) started experiencing a lot of pain, and got very worried. I asked if it would be okay if I laid hands on zir belly and prayed for zir, and ze said yes. When I did, the pain subsided. They still called my parents to get me and went to the hospital to get checked out, but they credited my prayers with healing power (I forget what ended up being the problem) and I remember that was such an intense experience for me. I was so calm and full of faith -- I had NO DOUBT. I don't know if my prayers actually changed something physical or if the panic was causing the pain and my prayers gave zir enough faith to be calm, but whichever, I do consider it a miracle. I miss being that sure that I could call on Deity and always get instant help. I've been rebuilding my faith for a long time now but it's not yet as strong as it was when I was a child.

I've been feeling rather lost and low on faith. I feel awash with uncertainty about so many things, which is really bothering me because it's the first time in a long time that I've felt this way. Several things are contributing to it, I think... I ordered a flower essence (which is something I've never tried before) and the very first time I tried it I felt a very slight shift, and since then, nothing. I can't feel it at all, not when taking it in water or directly in my mouth or on my skin. I feel like if there is something there I should be able to feel it, but I can't. I want to feel the energy in stones, but I can't. And I made myself a new affirmation but when I say it I can't put myself in that place of gratitude, I can't FEEL it. And my dreams have been stupid and useless lately.

Worst of all, ( this hurts to even say )

I feel like my magic broke, my spiritual sense just stopped working. I can't feel any hope that the future will bring me brighter things. I feel like I'm stuck in the mundane and can't find anything real. I feel like I'm becoming cynical. I don't want to feel like this... I don't want to lose all faith and hope. I don't understand how this could happen and I don't know how I can possibly live if the magic has deserted me.

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ETA: J (and a few other people) mentioned that we go through hibernating periods, and I think that's what this is. It has been almost a year since I experienced this so it REALLY shook me but now I'm remembering that sometimes, one just subconsciously closes off in order to process what is already learned before experiencing any more. I think that's what's happening with me now, and so I'm going to try to be patient and let myself go through this. It still hurts, a lot, but I'm remembering times like this, and I got through them so I am choosing to believe that I WILL get through this. I think it didn't even occur to me because it's never hurt this much before; I've never spent so long open-hearted (11 months is a LONG time with no rest-times), and I've never been so sensitive.

Thank you all for your comments; they made me realize things and gave me comfort ♥

Also, this is why I haven't been writing or commenting much. I don't know how long this will last but I'm not going to try to rush it, so please be understanding if I don't comment for a while. I'm still reading and caring, I'm just in a place of emotional retreat.

I've been feeling rather lost and low on faith. I feel awash with uncertainty about so many things, which is really bothering me because it's the first time in a long time that I've felt this way. Several things are contributing to it, I think... I ordered a flower essence (which is something I've never tried before) and the very first time I tried it I felt a very slight shift, and since then, nothing. I can't feel it at all, not when taking it in water or directly in my mouth or on my skin. I feel like if there is something there I should be able to feel it, but I can't. I want to feel the energy in stones, but I can't. And I made myself a new affirmation but when I say it I can't put myself in that place of gratitude, I can't FEEL it. And my dreams have been stupid and useless lately.

Worst of all, ( this hurts to even say )

I feel like my magic broke, my spiritual sense just stopped working. I can't feel any hope that the future will bring me brighter things. I feel like I'm stuck in the mundane and can't find anything real. I feel like I'm becoming cynical. I don't want to feel like this... I don't want to lose all faith and hope. I don't understand how this could happen and I don't know how I can possibly live if the magic has deserted me.

comments screened

ETA: J (and a few other people) mentioned that we go through hibernating periods, and I think that's what this is. It has been almost a year since I experienced this so it REALLY shook me but now I'm remembering that sometimes, one just subconsciously closes off in order to process what is already learned before experiencing any more. I think that's what's happening with me now, and so I'm going to try to be patient and let myself go through this. It still hurts, a lot, but I'm remembering times like this, and I got through them so I am choosing to believe that I WILL get through this. I think it didn't even occur to me because it's never hurt this much before; I've never spent so long open-hearted (11 months is a LONG time with no rest-times), and I've never been so sensitive.

Thank you all for your comments; they made me realize things and gave me comfort ♥

Also, this is why I haven't been writing or commenting much. I don't know how long this will last but I'm not going to try to rush it, so please be understanding if I don't comment for a while. I'm still reading and caring, I'm just in a place of emotional retreat.

I really don't even know how to write about this, but it's been twisting in my mind for days, and I feel like I need to write about it in order to really let go of 2008 and move on, and open up to new things.

Last spring was a very chaotic and colorful time for me -- I couldn't have written about it all if I tried, but the chaos was not the only reason I never wrote about Ava. From the end of January until the end of April, I talked with Ava for hours on end, many days, about everything. It was incredible -- and I wanted more, I wanted to hear zir voice, see zir face, meet zir! Ze promised to call, and didn't, over and over -- always with a very good reason, but I began to feel that there was ( something ze was not telling me )

Ava confused me so completely. I knew that ze was lying, at the very LEAST about being in Japan for that time, but I felt a connection with zir that was deeper than anything I have ever felt. One time we were IMing and something happened where ze was and I FELT it as intensely as if it were MY emotion, to the point where my heart was racing and I was crying -- and ze hadn't really even said much. The depth of that reaction -- through simple text -- was a very important experience for me. I was just learning to trust my intuition, and my whole being was SCREAMING that there was an intense, very very real connection there. Yet ze absolutely refused to become anything more than text for me. I don't understand it, still. It's possible to fake a lot of things online but I know that connection wasn't fake. And our conversations weren't fake. Ze could conceivably have stolen zir LJ entries from someone else, but we had HOURS of conversations about things that would take so much time and effort to understand... the only thing I can think is that ze might have had Dissociative Identity Disorder, or that ze might have been real as far as zir thoughts and feelings but have felt too ashamed to admit that the glamourous life and wonderful friends were fake. Or, the much scarier kinda-sociopathic possibility that it was some sort of psychology project? Even then, I loved the core person and honestly could have forgiven any lie if ze had just admitted it.

I was in love with Ava, as deeply as I have ever been with anyone. You all know how intense my spirit-connection with Hannah was at its brightest point -- this was even stronger. And ze felt it too -- not only did ze say so, but I FELT zir feel it too. When ze was in my life, I could feel zir presence. I could feel the connection even when we weren't talking. It really fucking hurts to have put so much faith into something that felt so incredibly right, and have it prove itself a lie and then disappear. How could someone so magical, so beautiful, so true, lie to me and leave me?

I also fell for one of zir friends/alters, Rylin. That makes everything so much more confusing, I can't even begin... I felt a soul connection with Ry, which I DIDN'T feel with Ava, and I could feel the difference when I talked to one or the other. I could feel a difference when I talked to various other people (all of whom apparently liked to come over to zir house and use zir screenname to talk to zir friends). How is this possible if they're the same person? I don't know.

Yet, somehow, at the same time, just feeling what I felt was a faith-building experience. Despite all that I know, I really cannot bring myself to doubt the connection I felt. I know it was real. I don't know how that is possible -- but there it is.

I do think there are things I've learned from that experience, but right now I just need to acknowledge it -- I can't know if it was real on the other end but it was real for me. It was formative, it was important, it was a very significant experience for me. I was in love, still kind of am, and it FUCKING HURTS. I have so much other wonderful love in my life, but it doesn't make this ache disappear. I'm hoping that admitting it was real to ME will help me begin to let it go.

((flocked because I don't want to seem like I am attempting to shame zir, but if any of you are still friends with any of Ava or zir friends and you feel that you need to share this with zir, feel free. I've already said all of this to zir, except for the IP stuff (because I wanted zir to tell me the truth of zir own volition).)) [unlocked because lots of time has passed and this is an important part of my story]

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I really don't even know how to write about this, but it's been twisting in my mind for days, and I feel like I need to write about it in order to really let go of 2008 and move on, and open up to new things.

Last spring was a very chaotic and colorful time for me -- I couldn't have written about it all if I tried, but the chaos was not the only reason I never wrote about Ava. From the end of January until the end of April, I talked with Ava for hours on end, many days, about everything. It was incredible -- and I wanted more, I wanted to hear zir voice, see zir face, meet zir! Ze promised to call, and didn't, over and over -- always with a very good reason, but I began to feel that there was ( something ze was not telling me )

Ava confused me so completely. I knew that ze was lying, at the very LEAST about being in Japan for that time, but I felt a connection with zir that was deeper than anything I have ever felt. One time we were IMing and something happened where ze was and I FELT it as intensely as if it were MY emotion, to the point where my heart was racing and I was crying -- and ze hadn't really even said much. The depth of that reaction -- through simple text -- was a very important experience for me. I was just learning to trust my intuition, and my whole being was SCREAMING that there was an intense, very very real connection there. Yet ze absolutely refused to become anything more than text for me. I don't understand it, still. It's possible to fake a lot of things online but I know that connection wasn't fake. And our conversations weren't fake. Ze could conceivably have stolen zir LJ entries from someone else, but we had HOURS of conversations about things that would take so much time and effort to understand... the only thing I can think is that ze might have had Dissociative Identity Disorder, or that ze might have been real as far as zir thoughts and feelings but have felt too ashamed to admit that the glamourous life and wonderful friends were fake. Or, the much scarier kinda-sociopathic possibility that it was some sort of psychology project? Even then, I loved the core person and honestly could have forgiven any lie if ze had just admitted it.

I was in love with Ava, as deeply as I have ever been with anyone. You all know how intense my spirit-connection with Hannah was at its brightest point -- this was even stronger. And ze felt it too -- not only did ze say so, but I FELT zir feel it too. When ze was in my life, I could feel zir presence. I could feel the connection even when we weren't talking. It really fucking hurts to have put so much faith into something that felt so incredibly right, and have it prove itself a lie and then disappear. How could someone so magical, so beautiful, so true, lie to me and leave me?

I also fell for one of zir friends/alters, Rylin. That makes everything so much more confusing, I can't even begin... I felt a soul connection with Ry, which I DIDN'T feel with Ava, and I could feel the difference when I talked to one or the other. I could feel a difference when I talked to various other people (all of whom apparently liked to come over to zir house and use zir screenname to talk to zir friends). How is this possible if they're the same person? I don't know.

Yet, somehow, at the same time, just feeling what I felt was a faith-building experience. Despite all that I know, I really cannot bring myself to doubt the connection I felt. I know it was real. I don't know how that is possible -- but there it is.

I do think there are things I've learned from that experience, but right now I just need to acknowledge it -- I can't know if it was real on the other end but it was real for me. It was formative, it was important, it was a very significant experience for me. I was in love, still kind of am, and it FUCKING HURTS. I have so much other wonderful love in my life, but it doesn't make this ache disappear. I'm hoping that admitting it was real to ME will help me begin to let it go.

((flocked because I don't want to seem like I am attempting to shame zir, but if any of you are still friends with any of Ava or zir friends and you feel that you need to share this with zir, feel free. I've already said all of this to zir, except for the IP stuff (because I wanted zir to tell me the truth of zir own volition).))

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Faith, to me, is simply choosing to believe something. I don't think anyone can have faith in something without evidence, but the evidence is merely the key to the door -- faith is walking through it. Some people might throw away the key as useless or not even notice it because it is so ethereal, others spend their lives looking for more keys to more doors to walk through. And this 'evidence-key' is different for different people, of course. Some have to be absolutely sure it will fit in the door before attempting to use it, others try it out and keep looking if it doesn't work. Some people only accept evidence which can be measured or understood in a concrete way (science), others accept evidence which is expressed in abstract (intuition).

It takes faith to believe in even the most evidence-substantiated things. One can have knowledge of something and not have faith, and vice versa. I have known people who have experienced the supernatural yet refused to believe it. I have known others who have believed without experiencing. Anything which one has not experienced, one is taking on faith. I do not have 'knowledge' that people speak Hungarian, because I have never heard it -- but I have faith. Knowledge is simply strong evidence; it still takes faith to accept. If a chair has always supported you when you sat on it, you can call it knowledge that the chair will support you, but it is still an act of faith to flop on it. It takes only a little faith because of the amount of evidence you have, but really every action anyone ever takes is an act of faith.

Most people make a distinction between something one believes and something one knows. I see them as exactly the same thing. I believe there is no such thing as a single, objective reality, but rather that we are all continuously creating our own overlapping realities. ( ... )

The way I have faith is hard to describe. I have no text(s) which I hold as the structure of my faith, nor do I have a community of people who believe as I do. Instead, my faith is an ever-changing thing, based on what resonates with me as truth. I practice listening to my spirit, and when my spirit suggests something in an intuitive sense or a dream or just a pull towards a certain person who will give me guidance, I examine that. I turn it over and over in my mind, I seek evidence in both intuitive and concrete ways -- through divination, 'coincidence,' prayer, and (if it's available) research. Eventually my feelings/thoughts about it develop enough that I either reject or embrace it. Sometimes immediately upon suggestion I embrace it, but that doesn't stop me from seeking to learn more and strengthen my faith in whatever it may be. So I would say that my process is: 1) learn new information, 2) feel inspiration (kinda like an epiphany), 3) consider evidence (abstract & concrete), and 4) embrace/reject idea, sometimes with 3 & 4 reversed.

Faith, to me, is simply choosing to believe something. I don't think anyone can have faith in something without evidence, but the evidence is merely the key to the door -- faith is walking through it. Some people might throw away the key as useless or not even notice it because it is so ethereal, others spend their lives looking for more keys to more doors to walk through. And this 'evidence-key' is different for different people, of course. Some have to be absolutely sure it will fit in the door before attempting to use it, others try it out and keep looking if it doesn't work. Some people only accept evidence which can be measured or understood in a concrete way (science), others accept evidence which is expressed in abstract (intuition).

It takes faith to believe in even the most evidence-substantiated things. One can have knowledge of something and not have faith, and vice versa. I have known people who have experienced the supernatural yet refused to believe it. I have known others who have believed without experiencing. Anything which one has not experienced, one is taking on faith. I do not have 'knowledge' that people speak Hungarian, because I have never heard it -- but I have faith. Knowledge is simply strong evidence; it still takes faith to accept. If a chair has always supported you when you sat on it, you can call it knowledge that the chair will support you, but it is still an act of faith to flop on it. It takes only a little faith because of the amount of evidence you have, but really every action anyone ever takes is an act of faith.

Most people make a distinction between something one believes and something one knows. I see them as exactly the same thing. I believe there is no such thing as a single, objective reality, but rather that we are all continuously creating our own overlapping realities. ( ... )

The way I have faith is hard to describe. I have no text(s) which I hold as the structure of my faith, nor do I have a community of people who believe as I do. Instead, my faith is an ever-changing thing, based on what resonates with me as truth. I practice listening to my spirit, and when my spirit suggests something in an intuitive sense or a dream or just a pull towards a certain person who will give me guidance, I examine that. I turn it over and over in my mind, I seek evidence in both intuitive and concrete ways -- through divination, 'coincidence,' prayer, and (if it's available) research. Eventually my feelings/thoughts about it develop enough that I either reject or embrace it. Sometimes immediately upon suggestion I embrace it, but that doesn't stop me from seeking to learn more and strengthen my faith in whatever it may be. So I would say that my process is: 1) learn new information, 2) feel inspiration (kinda like an epiphany), 3) consider evidence (abstract & concrete), and 4) embrace/reject idea, sometimes with 3 & 4 reversed.

Faith, to me, is simply choosing to believe something. I don't think anyone can have faith in something without evidence, but the evidence is merely the key to the door -- faith is walking through it. Some people might throw away the key as useless or not even notice it because it is so ethereal, others spend their lives looking for more keys to more doors to walk through. And this 'evidence-key' is different for different people, of course. Some have to be absolutely sure it will fit in the door before attempting to use it, others try it out and keep looking if it doesn't work. Some people only accept evidence which can be measured or understood in a concrete way (science), others accept evidence which is expressed in abstract (intuition).

It takes faith to believe in even the most evidence-substantiated things. One can have knowledge of something and not have faith, and vice versa. I have known people who have experienced the supernatural yet refused to believe it. I have known others who have believed without experiencing. Anything which one has not experienced, one is taking on faith. I do not have 'knowledge' that people speak Hungarian, because I have never heard it -- but I have faith. Knowledge is simply strong evidence; it still takes faith to accept. If a chair has always supported you when you sat on it, you can call it knowledge that the chair will support you, but it is still an act of faith to flop on it. It takes only a little faith because of the amount of evidence you have, but really every action anyone ever takes is an act of faith.

Most people make a distinction between something one believes and something one knows. I see them as exactly the same thing. I believe there is no such thing as a single, objective reality, but rather that we are all continuously creating our own overlapping realities. ( ... )

The way I have faith is hard to describe. I have no text(s) which I hold as the structure of my faith, nor do I have a community of people who believe as I do. Instead, my faith is an ever-changing thing, based on what resonates with me as truth. I practice listening to my spirit, and when my spirit suggests something in an intuitive sense or a dream or just a pull towards a certain person who will give me guidance, I examine that. I turn it over and over in my mind, I seek evidence in both intuitive and concrete ways -- through divination, 'coincidence,' prayer, and (if it's available) research. Eventually my feelings/thoughts about it develop enough that I either reject or embrace it. Sometimes immediately upon suggestion I embrace it, but that doesn't stop me from seeking to learn more and strengthen my faith in whatever it may be. So I would say that my process is: 1) learn new information, 2) feel inspiration (kinda like an epiphany), 3) consider evidence (abstract & concrete), and 4) embrace/reject idea, sometimes with 3 & 4 reversed.

I think I may have been a bit confusing in my recent post on faith because I was responding to a certain attitude rather than simply addressing faith. There is a certain attitude among some religious people that it is destructive to faith to seek concrete evidence or to use one's mind in conjunction with one's spirit, and I have a profound disagreement with that. I believe that if you have faith in something, you can make it even stronger by adding more knowledge /understanding /wisdom. ( or maybe... [rabbit trail] )

I definitely value believing without concrete evidence -- I wasn't speaking against that, at all. I certainly don't have proof for everything I believe, but I have experienced the strengthening of my faith with the increase of knowledge. Maybe some people don't ever need it, but if a person ever feels doubt about what they believe, I think that a very good way to strengthen faith is to find concrete evidence -- whether that comes in the form of 'coincidence' or scientific studies or whatever. I can't see it as being harmful, and I CAN see it as being helpful. I don't think it is ever helpful to tell a person who is struggling to have faith to 'just believe.'

For years and years I had believed that plants, trees especially, have spirits and can feel. I believed this deeply, 'blindly,' and did not feel I was deceiving myself; I never really doubted it. But it wasn't until I read "The Secret Life of Plants" and learned that the feeling/sensing abilities of plants are proven facts that I was able to bring this belief from my spirit to my mind, where I can understand and express it in words! Because my mind now has a framework in which to place information from my spirit, I can understand mentally what I could previously only feel. I haven't yet written in-depth about the affect this has had on my spirituality but to put it simply, my spiritual faith has exploded with growth since absorbing all those physical facts. This is definitely not the first time that new knowledge has lead to stronger faith for me, but it is the most intense time (so far), and has left me with no doubt (haha!) that seeking knowledge on areas of faith is a positive choice.

I think I may have been a bit confusing in my recent post on faith because I was responding to a certain attitude rather than simply addressing faith. There is a certain attitude among some religious people that it is destructive to faith to seek concrete evidence or to use one's mind in conjunction with one's spirit, and I have a profound disagreement with that. I believe that if you have faith in something, you can make it even stronger by adding more knowledge /understanding /wisdom. ( or maybe... [rabbit trail] )

I definitely value believing without concrete evidence -- I wasn't speaking against that, at all. I certainly don't have proof for everything I believe, but I have experienced the strengthening of my faith with the increase of knowledge. Maybe some people don't ever need it, but if a person ever feels doubt about what they believe, I think that a very good way to strengthen faith is to find concrete evidence -- whether that comes in the form of 'coincidence' or scientific studies or whatever. I can't see it as being harmful, and I CAN see it as being helpful. I don't think it is ever helpful to tell a person who is struggling to have faith to 'just believe.'

For years and years I had believed that plants, trees especially, have spirits and can feel. I believed this deeply, 'blindly,' and did not feel I was deceiving myself; I never really doubted it. But it wasn't until I read "The Secret Life of Plants" and learned that the feeling/sensing abilities of plants are proven facts that I was able to bring this belief from my spirit to my mind, where I can understand and express it in words! Because my mind now has a framework in which to place information from my spirit, I can understand mentally what I could previously only feel. I haven't yet written in-depth about the affect this has had on my spirituality but to put it simply, my spiritual faith has exploded with growth since absorbing all those physical facts. This is definitely not the first time that new knowledge has lead to stronger faith for me, but it is the most intense time (so far), and has left me with no doubt (haha!) that seeking knowledge on areas of faith is a positive choice.

I think I may have been a bit confusing in my recent post on faith because I was responding to a certain attitude rather than simply addressing faith. There is a certain attitude among some religious people that it is destructive to faith to seek concrete evidence or to use one's mind in conjunction with one's spirit, and I have a profound disagreement with that. I believe that if you have faith in something, you can make it even stronger by adding more knowledge /understanding /wisdom. ( or maybe... [rabbit trail] )

I definitely value believing without concrete evidence -- I wasn't speaking against that, at all. I certainly don't have proof for everything I believe, but I have experienced the strengthening of my faith with the increase of knowledge. Maybe some people don't ever need it, but if a person ever feels doubt about what they believe, I think that a very good way to strengthen faith is to find concrete evidence -- whether that comes in the form of 'coincidence' or scientific studies or whatever. I can't see it as being harmful, and I CAN see it as being helpful. I don't think it is ever helpful to tell a person who is struggling to have faith to 'just believe.'

For years and years I had believed that plants, trees especially, have spirits and can feel. I believed this deeply, 'blindly,' and did not feel I was deceiving myself; I never really doubted it. But it wasn't until I read "The Secret Life of Plants" and learned that the feeling/sensing abilities of plants are proven facts that I was able to bring this belief from my spirit to my mind, where I can understand and express it in words! Because my mind now has a framework in which to place information from my spirit, I can understand mentally what I could previously only feel. I haven't yet written in-depth about the affect this has had on my spirituality but to put it simply, my spiritual faith has exploded with growth since absorbing all those physical facts. This is definitely not the first time that new knowledge has lead to stronger faith for me, but it is the most intense time (so far), and has left me with no doubt (haha!) that seeking knowledge on areas of faith is a positive choice.

I've been thinking a lot about faith lately, and three times recently different people have brought up the question of faith. Why believe in spirit, and specifically how does one have faith in Deity(-ies)? And I realized that I've actually learned the answer to that question (at least for me).

When I was younger and I asked "how do you know God is there / loves you / is listening?" the answers I got were vague and useless, no matter who I asked -- "oh, just have faith / you just have to believe." Essentially, I was told to ignore reason, ignore my mind, and just trust for no reason at all. And I would try, and I would scrape by, but I never felt safe or secure or fully able to believe in my own beliefs. My awareness of spirit was strong enough that I could never ignore it, but my mind was not in harmony -- half of me was left out.

Faith in Deity/Spirit is just like faith in any other being -- it comes from experience and research. Say you meet a person. You could choose to just 'have faith' that they are kind, trustworthy, honest, etc., but that faith would crumble the moment trouble came -- because you would have evidence AGAINST without evidence FOR. However, if you knew all their friends/family, learned their life story, spent hours talking to them, then your faith would be strong even if things looked really bad. It's not a bad thing to doubt and question -- that is the only way to build REAL faith that can withstand anything. I'm reminded of the parable of the person who built a house on sand versus the one who built a house on rock. Faith is the building -- but it is only as strong as the facts that you build it on. Even the most skilled builder can only do so much to compensate for a shaky foundation.

I once had an LJ friend whom I loved deeply and had a great deal of faith in. As time went by my mind picked up clue after hint that led me to believe that this person was lying to me, and my faith began to be chipped away by these things. I asked this friend for something solid which I could use to strengthen my faith, but ze refused. I tried to have faith without any proof, but I cannot lie to myself, and eventually I broke off contact with this person. I found it very hurtful that this person would not make any effort to help me -- instead, ze demanded unquestioning faith. If ze truly wanted me to have faith, why would ze deny me help when I confessed that I could not do it on my own?

The fact is, faith is not a matter of blindly accepting. It's a matter of seeking, being open, and then remembering all the experiences, all the knowledge, and putting it together to get a picture of life/love/spirit/God. Faith is not real if you copy it from others or take someone else's word for it, it's real if you build it yourself from the ground up. If you question everything and don't hold back out of fear. If I had never been willing to lose the false faith I had, I would never have built the very real faith that I now have.

Over the years I've studied various things to 'build my case'. ( NDEs, OBEs, Secret Life of Plants )

So, essentially, there is proof that there is 'something' but it is still an act of faith to believe that that is God/dess, because there is no way to prove that. For me, it is the experiences I've had, the times I have felt zir/their presence and received messages from zir/them that make me believe. To me it is logical to believe in a personal deity(-ies) because I have experienced that in a way as real as anything else I've experienced. I have asked for signs, and received them. And now that I have found some solid foundation with which to strengthen my faith, it has grown by leaps and bounds. Now when I have an experience which many would class as 'supernatural' or 'crazy,' my mind understands that there are aspects of reality which cannot currently be explained by science, and I can believe in those experiences because of that. I'm able to trust in my spirit because my mind knows for sure that my spirit exists. My mind no longer automatically shuts out those experiences, because I have a way to understand them.

So my answer to younger-me's question "how do you know God is there / loves you / is listening?" is "because science tells me that there is more to life than the physical, and out of faith I believe that 'more' to be the spirits of beings, including Deities. My experiences with the personality and presence of God/dess show me that ze loves me and is listening, in the same way that my experiences with my friends show me that they love me and listen."

ETA: There is nothing wrong with 'blind' faith but it should not be an expectation, nor should it be held up as the ultimate kind of faith. Questioning faith is just as good, and for some people (like me) it is by far the best way.

I've been thinking a lot about faith lately, and three times recently different people have brought up the question of faith. Why believe in spirit, and specifically how does one have faith in Deity(-ies)? And I realized that I've actually learned the answer to that question (at least for me).

When I was younger and I asked "how do you know God is there / loves you / is listening?" the answers I got were vague and useless, no matter who I asked -- "oh, just have faith / you just have to believe." Essentially, I was told to ignore reason, ignore my mind, and just trust for no reason at all. And I would try, and I would scrape by, but I never felt safe or secure or fully able to believe in my own beliefs. My awareness of spirit was strong enough that I could never ignore it, but my mind was not in harmony -- half of me was left out.

Faith in Deity/Spirit is just like faith in any other being -- it comes from experience and research. Say you meet a person. You could choose to just 'have faith' that they are kind, trustworthy, honest, etc., but that faith would crumble the moment trouble came -- because you would have evidence AGAINST without evidence FOR. However, if you knew all their friends/family, learned their life story, spent hours talking to them, then your faith would be strong even if things looked really bad. It's not a bad thing to doubt and question -- that is the only way to build REAL faith that can withstand anything. I'm reminded of the parable of the person who built a house on sand versus the one who built a house on rock. Faith is the building -- but it is only as strong as the facts that you build it on. Even the most skilled builder can only do so much to compensate for a shaky foundation.

I once had an LJ friend whom I loved deeply and had a great deal of faith in. As time went by my mind picked up clue after hint that led me to believe that this person was lying to me, and my faith began to be chipped away by these things. I asked this friend for something solid which I could use to strengthen my faith, but ze refused. I tried to have faith without any proof, but I cannot lie to myself, and eventually I broke off contact with this person. I found it very hurtful that this person would not make any effort to help me -- instead, ze demanded unquestioning faith. If ze truly wanted me to have faith, why would ze deny me help when I confessed that I could not do it on my own?

The fact is, faith is not a matter of blindly accepting. It's a matter of seeking, being open, and then remembering all the experiences, all the knowledge, and putting it together to get a picture of life/love/spirit/God. Faith is not real if you copy it from others or take someone else's word for it, it's real if you build it yourself from the ground up. If you question everything and don't hold back out of fear. If I had never been willing to lose the false faith I had, I would never have built the very real faith that I now have.

Over the years I've studied various things to 'build my case'. ( NDEs, OBEs, Secret Life of Plants )

So, essentially, there is proof that there is 'something' but it is still an act of faith to believe that that is God/dess, because there is no way to prove that. For me, it is the experiences I've had, the times I have felt zir/their presence and received messages from zir/them that make me believe. To me it is logical to believe in a personal deity(-ies) because I have experienced that in a way as real as anything else I've experienced. I have asked for signs, and received them. And now that I have found some solid foundation with which to strengthen my faith, it has grown by leaps and bounds. Now when I have an experience which many would class as 'supernatural' or 'crazy,' my mind understands that there are aspects of reality which cannot currently be explained by science, and I can believe in those experiences because of that. I'm able to trust in my spirit because my mind knows for sure that my spirit exists. My mind no longer automatically shuts out those experiences, because I have a way to understand them.

So my answer to younger-me's question "how do you know God is there / loves you / is listening?" is "because science tells me that there is more to life than the physical, and out of faith I believe that 'more' to be the spirits of beings, including Deities. My experiences with the personality and presence of God/dess show me that ze loves me and is listening, in the same way that my experiences with my friends show me that they love me and listen."

ETA: There is nothing wrong with 'blind' faith but it should not be an expectation, nor should it be held up as the ultimate kind of faith. Questioning faith is just as good, and for some people (like me) it is by far the best way.

I've been thinking a lot about faith lately, and three times recently different people have brought up the question of faith. Why believe in spirit, and specifically how does one have faith in Deity(-ies)? And I realized that I've actually learned the answer to that question (at least for me).

When I was younger and I asked "how do you know God is there / loves you / is listening?" the answers I got were vague and useless, no matter who I asked -- "oh, just have faith / you just have to believe." Essentially, I was told to ignore reason, ignore my mind, and just trust for no reason at all. And I would try, and I would scrape by, but I never felt safe or secure or fully able to believe in my own beliefs. My awareness of spirit was strong enough that I could never ignore it, but my mind was not in harmony -- half of me was left out.

Faith in Deity/Spirit is just like faith in any other being -- it comes from experience and research. Say you meet a person. You could choose to just 'have faith' that they are kind, trustworthy, honest, etc., but that faith would crumble the moment trouble came -- because you would have evidence AGAINST without evidence FOR. However, if you knew all their friends/family, learned their life story, spent hours talking to them, then your faith would be strong even if things looked really bad. It's not a bad thing to doubt and question -- that is the only way to build REAL faith that can withstand anything. I'm reminded of the parable of the person who built a house on sand versus the one who built a house on rock. Faith is the building -- but it is only as strong as the facts that you build it on. Even the most skilled builder can only do so much to compensate for a shaky foundation.

I once had an LJ friend whom I loved deeply and had a great deal of faith in. As time went by my mind picked up clue after hint that led me to believe that this person was lying to me, and my faith began to be chipped away by these things. I asked this friend for something solid which I could use to strengthen my faith, but ze refused. I tried to have faith without any proof, but I cannot lie to myself, and eventually I broke off contact with this person. I found it very hurtful that this person would not make any effort to help me -- instead, ze demanded unquestioning faith. If ze truly wanted me to have faith, why would ze deny me help when I confessed that I could not do it on my own?

The fact is, faith is not a matter of blindly accepting. It's a matter of seeking, being open, and then remembering all the experiences, all the knowledge, and putting it together to get a picture of life/love/spirit/God. Faith is not real if you copy it from others or take someone else's word for it, it's real if you build it yourself from the ground up. If you question everything and don't hold back out of fear. If I had never been willing to lose the false faith I had, I would never have built the very real faith that I now have.

Over the years I've studied various things to 'build my case'. ( NDEs, OBEs, Secret Life of Plants )

So, essentially, there is proof that there is 'something' but it is still an act of faith to believe that that is God/dess, because there is no way to prove that. For me, it is the experiences I've had, the times I have felt zir/their presence and received messages from zir/them that make me believe. To me it is logical to believe in a personal deity(-ies) because I have experienced that in a way as real as anything else I've experienced. I have asked for signs, and received them. And now that I have found some solid foundation with which to strengthen my faith, it has grown by leaps and bounds. Now when I have an experience which many would class as 'supernatural' or 'crazy,' my mind understands that there are aspects of reality which cannot currently be explained by science, and I can believe in those experiences because of that. I'm able to trust in my spirit because my mind knows for sure that my spirit exists. My mind no longer automatically shuts out those experiences, because I have a way to understand them.

So my answer to younger-me's question "how do you know God is there / loves you / is listening?" is "because science tells me that there is more to life than the physical, and out of faith I believe that 'more' to be the spirits of beings, including Deities. My experiences with the personality and presence of God/dess show me that ze loves me and is listening, in the same way that my experiences with my friends show me that they love me and listen."

ETA: There is nothing wrong with 'blind' faith but it should not be an expectation, nor should it be held up as the ultimate kind of faith. Questioning faith is just as good, and for some people (like me) it is by far the best way.

I opened up spiritually in so many ways, this visit. I think that being around two open people who resonated closely with me made me so much more aware, and gave me so much faith. If I felt something, usually they felt it too; if I spoke about spiritual things they took a profound interest. I'd never experienced that before (the visit with Aurilion was similar but ze shared a lot more than I did, as I was kinda overwhelmed and used to being the listener) and it helped me to feel comfortable exploring spiritual things. My heart really opened up (and my heart is where I feel my tree-connection to be).

I also, by divine design, was reading "The Secret Life of Plants" and realizing that so much of what I have sensed spiritually is scientifically provable. Plants have sensation. They not only respond when someone harms them, they respond to thoughts, as well as to the experiences of plants near them. ( amazing facts from the book ) I'm only halfway through the book now and it has wildly changed my life. (and I have become even more convinced that eventually science and spirit will harmonize) Why was I ordered to poke around in dead pig fetuses and cut up live frogs (both of which I refused to do, to the chagrin of my lab partner) rather than learning this incredibly vital truth about our world? This book has been around for over three decades! And yet I have NEVER heard ANYONE discuss the FACT that plants do feel -- and react to thoughts and feelings of humans (and the feelings, at least, of animals and plants)!

Thanks to that book, my logic is rejoicing that at last it can dance in harmony with my spirit. And I have so much more faith that if I feel something as true in my spirit, I will find the facts to match it.

I also met several trees in Scotland that I connected with in beautiful ways. One was a black willow (one of my favorite trees) near Hannah's apartment -- it was so large and strong, it fairly glowed with health. In Anstruther, there were three sugar maples in a cemetery that radiated the most amazing energy -- we were walking by and before I even saw them, my heart leaped! I looked up to see what was so wonderful (we were passing by on a lower level street with a wall between) and felt such kinship when I laid eyes on them. All three were loving but the one that I connected with the most was the center one, which was shaped like a less-exaggerated version of the Hercules tree I dreamed about. Also in Anstruther, there was a many-trunked tree (a type which I have not been able to identify) -- upon seeing it I immediately darted over and hugged and kissed it! It had such a sense of joy and wildness about it. And I also met the stump of a tree that had been cut down for disease -- but it was growing new shoots! it did not die! I really loved sitting/standing on it and being in the space where it had stood. There were two others in the Botanic Gardens but I'll save those for a post on that day.



( photos of me and the trees )

I opened up spiritually in so many ways, this visit. I think that being around two open people who resonated closely with me made me so much more aware, and gave me so much faith. If I felt something, usually they felt it too; if I spoke about spiritual things they took a profound interest. I'd never experienced that before (the visit with Aurilion was similar but ze shared a lot more than I did, as I was kinda overwhelmed and used to being the listener) and it helped me to feel comfortable exploring spiritual things. My heart really opened up (and my heart is where I feel my tree-connection to be).

I also, by divine design, was reading "The Secret Life of Plants" and realizing that so much of what I have sensed spiritually is scientifically provable. Plants have sensation. They not only respond when someone harms them, they respond to thoughts, as well as to the experiences of plants near them. ( amazing facts from the book ) I'm only halfway through the book now and it has wildly changed my life. (and I have become even more convinced that eventually science and spirit will harmonize) Why was I ordered to poke around in dead pig fetuses and cut up live frogs (both of which I refused to do, to the chagrin of my lab partner) rather than learning this incredibly vital truth about our world? This book has been around for over three decades! And yet I have NEVER heard ANYONE discuss the FACT that plants do feel -- and react to thoughts and feelings of humans (and the feelings, at least, of animals and plants)!

Thanks to that book, my logic is rejoicing that at last it can dance in harmony with my spirit. And I have so much more faith that if I feel something as true in my spirit, I will find the facts to match it.

I also met several trees in Scotland that I connected with in beautiful ways. One was a black willow (one of my favorite trees) near Hannah's apartment -- it was so large and strong, it fairly glowed with health. In Anstruther, there were three sugar maples in a cemetery that radiated the most amazing energy -- we were walking by and before I even saw them, my heart leaped! I looked up to see what was so wonderful (we were passing by on a lower level street with a wall between) and felt such kinship when I laid eyes on them. All three were loving but the one that I connected with the most was the center one, which was shaped like a less-exaggerated version of the Hercules tree I dreamed about. Also in Anstruther, there was a many-trunked tree (a type which I have not been able to identify) -- upon seeing it I immediately darted over and hugged and kissed it! It had such a sense of joy and wildness about it. And I also met the stump of a tree that had been cut down for disease -- but it was growing new shoots! it did not die! I really loved sitting/standing on it and being in the space where it had stood. There were two others in the Botanic Gardens but I'll save those for a post on that day.



( photos of me and the trees )

I opened up spiritually in so many ways, this visit. I think that being around two open people who resonated closely with me made me so much more aware, and gave me so much faith. If I felt something, usually they felt it too; if I spoke about spiritual things they took a profound interest. I'd never experienced that before (the visit with Aurilion was similar but ze shared a lot more than I did, as I was kinda overwhelmed and used to being the listener) and it helped me to feel comfortable exploring spiritual things. My heart really opened up (and my heart is where I feel my tree-connection to be).

I also, by divine design, was reading "The Secret Life of Plants" and realizing that so much of what I have sensed spiritually is scientifically provable. Plants have sensation. They not only respond when someone harms them, they respond to thoughts, as well as to the experiences of plants near them. ( amazing facts from the book ) I'm only halfway through the book now and it has wildly changed my life. (and I have become even more convinced that eventually science and spirit will harmonize) Why was I ordered to poke around in dead pig fetuses and cut up live frogs (both of which I refused to do, to the chagrin of my lab partner) rather than learning this incredibly vital truth about our world? This book has been around for over three decades! And yet I have NEVER heard ANYONE discuss the FACT that plants do feel -- and react to thoughts and feelings of humans (and the feelings, at least, of animals and plants)!

Thanks to that book, my logic is rejoicing that at last it can dance in harmony with my spirit. And I have so much more faith that if I feel something as true in my spirit, I will find the facts to match it.

I also met several trees in Scotland that I connected with in beautiful ways. One was a black willow (one of my favorite trees) near Hannah's apartment -- it was so large and strong, it fairly glowed with health. In Anstruther, there were three sugar maples in a cemetery that radiated the most amazing energy -- we were walking by and before I even saw them, my heart leaped! I looked up to see what was so wonderful (we were passing by on a lower level street with a wall between) and felt such kinship when I laid eyes on them. All three were loving but the one that I connected with the most was the center one, which was shaped like a less-exaggerated version of the Hercules tree I dreamed about. Also in Anstruther, there was a many-trunked tree (a type which I have not been able to identify) -- upon seeing it I immediately darted over and hugged and kissed it! It had such a sense of joy and wildness about it. And I also met the stump of a tree that had been cut down for disease -- but it was growing new shoots! it did not die! I really loved sitting/standing on it and being in the space where it had stood. There were two others in the Botanic Gardens but I'll save those for a post on that day.



( photos of me and the trees )

Aurilion's visit was rainbow-shatteringly, thunderstorm-resoundingly, forest-clappingly pixie-ecstatic! Oh God/dess, there really aren't words. I'm shaking now with the thrill of remembering it. Everything, EVERYTHING, was on fire with joyful pinwheels of color. *deeeeep sigh*



Just one photo for now, but ( not to worry, there are many more to come... )

I learned so much about Aurilion and fell so much more in love with zir! I learned that ze giggles even more than I do! And I saw zir tiger side -- I hadn't seen it before but wow, ze is fierce, and wild. (and as feline as I am) So creative, so full of faith, so full of joy. And as photogenic as ze is, ze is so much more beautiful in person, with zir glorious spirit shining through. Ze is SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. I could not stop gazing at zir -- every single aspect is so perfect, so stunning. And zir touches? God/dess, shiveringly delightful! So gentle and sweet -- I get the taste of honey and the scent of Bastet when I think of zir magic fingertips on my skin. And kisses... oh wow. (I will save that for another post, as it deserves its own)

The visit was only four days (three full days and two halves) but felt like an eternity and a flash. Every moment was so alive with meaning! I noticed after ze left that I was completely drained and exhausted (in a good way), which set me to thinking, and I realized that it was because of our heart-openness. I am very willing to open my heart and I am in the habit of opening it wide at any invitation, but my 'at rest' state is half-open. Aurilion is even more willing to open zir heart and so our mutual invitations kept both of our hearts wide-open the whole visit. I'm not used to having my heart wide-open for such a long stretch at a time, so by the end I was overwhelmed. (Aurilion was too, but not quite as much I don't think, as zir heart's 'at rest' state seems to be 3/4ths open, so it wasn't quite as much of a stretch) I'm amazed that ze can live so heart-open -- ze inspired me so much the whole visit! I've been in a resting-state from the intense growth of this experience, which is why I didn't post this sooner -- even though I was yearning to express it! I needed time to gather myself and process things.

I also realized that I have a rather unique way of processing things -- through dreams. Yes, I know that technically everyone does this, but for me it is a very active experience. I don't lucid-dream, but I actively meditate on and learn from my dreams. If I don't get enough dream-time (most of which occurs after 7 hours of sleep, for me) when in a period of growth, I start feeling confused and frustrated -- I need to dream. So I have spent a lot of time dreaming the past two days, and now I feel like I am taking all these new jewels of wisdom-love and setting them into the complex design that is my Self.

Aurilion's visit was rainbow-shatteringly, thunderstorm-resoundingly, forest-clappingly pixie-ecstatic! Oh God/dess, there really aren't words. I'm shaking now with the thrill of remembering it. Everything, EVERYTHING, was on fire with joyful pinwheels of color. *deeeeep sigh*



Just one photo for now, but ( not to worry, there are many more to come... )

I learned so much about Aurilion and fell so much more in love with zir! I learned that ze giggles even more than I do! And I saw zir tiger side -- I hadn't seen it before but wow, ze is fierce, and wild. (and as feline as I am) So creative, so full of faith, so full of joy. And as photogenic as ze is, ze is so much more beautiful in person, with zir glorious spirit shining through. Ze is SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. I could not stop gazing at zir -- every single aspect is so perfect, so stunning. And zir touches? God/dess, shiveringly delightful! So gentle and sweet -- I get the taste of honey and the scent of Bastet when I think of zir magic fingertips on my skin. And kisses... oh wow. (I will save that for another post, as it deserves its own)

The visit was only four days (three full days and two halves) but felt like an eternity and a flash. Every moment was so alive with meaning! I noticed after ze left that I was completely drained and exhausted (in a good way), which set me to thinking, and I realized that it was because of our heart-openness. I am very willing to open my heart and I am in the habit of opening it wide at any invitation, but my 'at rest' state is half-open. Aurilion is even more willing to open zir heart and so our mutual invitations kept both of our hearts wide-open the whole visit. I'm not used to having my heart wide-open for such a long stretch at a time, so by the end I was overwhelmed. (Aurilion was too, but not quite as much I don't think, as zir heart's 'at rest' state seems to be 3/4ths open, so it wasn't quite as much of a stretch) I'm amazed that ze can live so heart-open -- ze inspired me so much the whole visit! I've been in a resting-state from the intense growth of this experience, which is why I didn't post this sooner -- even though I was yearning to express it! I needed time to gather myself and process things.

I also realized that I have a rather unique way of processing things -- through dreams. Yes, I know that technically everyone does this, but for me it is a very active experience. I don't lucid-dream, but I actively meditate on and learn from my dreams. If I don't get enough dream-time (most of which occurs after 7 hours of sleep, for me) when in a period of growth, I start feeling confused and frustrated -- I need to dream. So I have spent a lot of time dreaming the past two days, and now I feel like I am taking all these new jewels of wisdom-love and setting them into the complex design that is my Self.

Aurilion's visit was rainbow-shatteringly, thunderstorm-resoundingly, forest-clappingly pixie-ecstatic! Oh God/dess, there really aren't words. I'm shaking now with the thrill of remembering it. Everything, EVERYTHING, was on fire with joyful pinwheels of color. *deeeeep sigh*



Just one photo for now, but ( not to worry, there are many more to come... )

I learned so much about Aurilion and fell so much more in love with zir! I learned that ze giggles even more than I do! And I saw zir tiger side -- I hadn't seen it before but wow, ze is fierce, and wild. (and as feline as I am) So creative, so full of faith, so full of joy. And as photogenic as ze is, ze is so much more beautiful in person, with zir glorious spirit shining through. Ze is SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. I could not stop gazing at zir -- every single aspect is so perfect, so stunning. And zir touches? God/dess, shiveringly delightful! So gentle and sweet -- I get the taste of honey and the scent of Bastet when I think of zir magic fingertips on my skin. And kisses... oh wow. (I will save that for another post, as it deserves its own)

The visit was only four days (three full days and two halves) but felt like an eternity and a flash. Every moment was so alive with meaning! I noticed after ze left that I was completely drained and exhausted (in a good way), which set me to thinking, and I realized that it was because of our heart-openness. I am very willing to open my heart and I am in the habit of opening it wide at any invitation, but my 'at rest' state is half-open. Aurilion is even more willing to open zir heart and so our mutual invitations kept both of our hearts wide-open the whole visit. I'm not used to having my heart wide-open for such a long stretch at a time, so by the end I was overwhelmed. (Aurilion was too, but not quite as much I don't think, as zir heart's 'at rest' state seems to be 3/4ths open, so it wasn't quite as much of a stretch) I'm amazed that ze can live so heart-open -- ze inspired me so much the whole visit! I've been in a resting-state from the intense growth of this experience, which is why I didn't post this sooner -- even though I was yearning to express it! I needed time to gather myself and process things.

I also realized that I have a rather unique way of processing things -- through dreams. Yes, I know that technically everyone does this, but for me it is a very active experience. I don't lucid-dream, but I actively meditate on and learn from my dreams. If I don't get enough dream-time (most of which occurs after 7 hours of sleep, for me) when in a period of growth, I start feeling confused and frustrated -- I need to dream. So I have spent a lot of time dreaming the past two days, and now I feel like I am taking all these new jewels of wisdom-love and setting them into the complex design that is my Self.

DISCLAIMER: this is my view. These are my beliefs. They are not based on any religion, though religions have planted seeds that sprouted into these beliefs. They cannot be 'right' or 'wrong' and I will not tolerate any such claims. Feel free to share how your beliefs differ or are the same, but approach with respect. (i.e.: "I think this" not "no, it is this way") This is an extremely sensitive and extremely intense part of my belief system, and careless words would be very hurtful.

spirit (ka) -- the way you connect to life source.
        This is your core self, perfect and unable to be broken, corrupted, or changed in any way, because it is literally a piece of life source within you. This is where all healing comes from. Our spirit is in constant communication with the source of life, but if our heart is closed we cannot sense our spirit, our soul, mind, and body cannot connect with it. Sometimes we need to connect with someone else in order to reach through our other layers and allow life force to flow fully through our being. Prayer, sex, and energy healing help with this (and probably other things I don't have words for). Everyone has a perfectly beautiful spirit, but sometimes it is deeply hidden under layers of pain and cannot be easily seen -- and sometimes people are very wounded in heart or soul and treat us terribly, but we can still see their spirit and so we still love them. (that can be extremely confusing, because often all others can see is the hurtful outside, while you see the spirit -- and it's really hard to recognise that sometimes despite that connection, it is not the right time to be close to that person)

If you have a strong spirit connection with someone, ( ... )

------------
heart (ib) -- the way you connect to the world.
        This is where a person's spirituality is, how they emotionally understand their faith. This is like the iris of an eye -- it can change by opening up or closing, but otherwise stays the same. You can choose whether to open it or not, but if the soul is wounded the heart cannot shine through clearly even if it is open. It's the part of you that connects with the rest of creation -- people, animals, etc. It's where your own style of loving comes from.

When you have a strong heart connection with someone, ( ... )

------------
soul (ba) -- the way you interact with the world.
        I think this is where a person's personality (outward expression of self) is, how they approach challenges. This changes a lot as it matures. If it is wounded and not yet healed in a place, that place will be a dark spot where the heart and spirit cannot shine through.

When you have a strong soul connection with someone, ( ... )

------------
( mind & body )

I see spirit as this one universal thing that all living beings are facets of (people, trees, animals, rocks, etc). Humans have additional non-physical parts; our individual hearts are wrapped around our spirit-facet, and then our soul is wrapped around that, and it is our soul that we bump into others with. I kinda see life source as this snakelocks anemone, and humans are special tentacles with two 'gloves' on, the heart and soul. We are unique in the same way each tentacle is unique, and we are all the same in the sense that we are all part of the same body, the universe. We are all extremely important because only by understanding fully every human and every living thing could one even begin to understand the universe. At our core, our spirit, we DO understand everything fully, and I believe that when we die, we will "know fully, even as [we are] fully known" because our wounds/blocks will be gone, and our spirits will be able to shine through us completely, even into our minds. I believe we can do this in a limited way now -- we call it intuition, when our spirits speak and our mind hears. "Intuition allows one to draw on that vast storehouse of unconscious knowledge that includes not only everything that one has experienced or learned, either consciously or subliminally, but also the infinite reservoir of the collective or universal unconscious." (Frances E. Vaughan) Or basically, our intuition is our connection to life source, which is all things and therefore omniscient, and when we tap into it we can know anything that is known.

I see the ethereal parts -- spirit, heart, soul -- as colors. People who have like colors to me have a connection to me. For instance, I see myself as having a vivid violet spirit, and I see Hannah with a lavender-violet spirit, so we have a strong spirit connection. I see my heart as spring green, and I see Aurilion with a minty-teal heart, so we have a very strong heart connection. I see my soul as bright scarlet, and I see Kat with an intensely red soul also, so we have a strong soul connection. Colors are the best way for me to understand these connections, because they don't fit into words, but you can get the gist of them by reading my description of the types of connections. (I also have ethereal connections with others, but I'm not going to list them all now because I want to make that into its own post)

thanks to Nick, Hannah, and Ava for inspiring me to FINALLY get this written.

DISCLAIMER: this is my view. These are my beliefs. They are not based on any religion, though religions have planted seeds that sprouted into these beliefs. They cannot be 'right' or 'wrong' and I will not tolerate any such claims. Feel free to share how your beliefs differ or are the same, but approach with respect. (i.e.: "I think this" not "no, it is this way") This is an extremely sensitive and extremely intense part of my belief system, and careless words would be very hurtful.

spirit (ka) -- the way you connect to the divine.
        This is your core self, perfect and unable to be broken, corrupted, or changed in any way, because it is literally a part of the divine within you. This is where all healing comes from. Our spirit is in constant communication with the divine, but if our heart is closed we cannot sense our spirit, our soul, mind, and body cannot connect with the divine. Sometimes we need to connect with someone else in order to reach through our other layers and allow the divine to flow fully through our being. Prayer, sex, and energy healing help with this (and probably other things I don't have words for). Everyone has a perfectly beautiful spirit, but sometimes it is deeply hidden under layers of pain and cannot be easily seen -- and sometimes people are very wounded in heart or soul and treat us terribly, but we can still see their spirit and so we still love them. (that can be extremely confusing, because often all others can see is the hurtful outside, while you see the spirit -- and it's really hard to recognise that sometimes despite that connection, it is not the right time to be close to that person)

If you have a strong spirit connection with someone, ( ... )

------------
heart (ib) -- the way you connect to the world.
        This is where a person's spirituality is, how they emotionally understand their faith. This is like the iris of an eye -- it can change by opening up or closing, but otherwise stays the same. You can choose whether to open it or not, but if the soul is wounded the heart cannot shine through clearly even if it is open. It's the part of you that connects with the rest of creation -- people, animals, etc. It's where your own style of loving comes from.

When you have a strong heart connection with someone, ( ... )

------------
soul (ba) -- the way you interact with the world.
        I think this is where a person's personality (outward expression of self) is, how they approach challenges. This changes a lot as it matures. If it is wounded and not yet healed in a place, that place will be a dark spot where the heart and spirit cannot shine through.

When you have a strong soul connection with someone, ( ... )

------------
( mind & body )

I see spirit as this one universal thing that all living beings are facets of (people, trees, animals, rocks, etc). Humans have additional non-physical parts; our individual hearts are wrapped around our spirit-facet, and then our soul is wrapped around that, and it is our soul that we bump into others with. I kinda see God/dess as this snakelocks anemone, and humans are special tentacles with two 'gloves' on, the heart and soul. We are unique in the same way each tentacle is unique, and we are all the same in the sense that we are all part of the same body, the universe. We are all extremely important because only by understanding fully every human and every created thing could one even begin to understand God/dess. At our core, our spirit, we DO understand everything fully, and I believe that when we die, we will "know fully, even as [we are] fully known" because our wounds/blocks will be gone, and our spirits will be able to shine through us completely, even into our minds. I believe we can do this in a limited way now -- we call it intuition, when our spirits speak and our mind hears. "Intuition allows one to draw on that vast storehouse of unconscious knowledge that includes not only everything that one has experienced or learned, either consciously or subliminally, but also the infinite reservoir of the collective or universal unconscious." (Frances E. Vaughan) Or basically, our intuition is our connection to God/dess, which is all things and therefore omniscient, and when we tap into it we can know anything that is known.

I see the ethereal parts -- spirit, heart, soul -- as colors. People who have like colors to me have a connection to me. For instance, I see myself as having a vivid violet spirit, and I see Hannah with a lavender-violet spirit, so we have a strong spirit connection. I see my heart as spring green, and I see Lily with a minty-teal heart, so we have a very strong heart connection. I see my soul as bright scarlet, and I see Kat with an intensely red soul also, so we have a strong soul connection. Colors are the best way for me to understand these connections, because they don't fit into words, but you can get the gist of them by reading my description of the types of connections. (I also have ethereal connections with others, but I'm not going to list them all now because I want to make that into its own post)

thanks to Nick, Hannah, and Ava for inspiring me to FINALLY get this written.

DISCLAIMER: this is my view. These are my beliefs. They are not based on any religion, though religions have planted seeds that sprouted into these beliefs. They cannot be 'right' or 'wrong' and I will not tolerate any such claims. Feel free to share how your beliefs differ or are the same, but approach with respect. (i.e.: "I think this" not "no, it is this way") This is an extremely sensitive and extremely intense part of my belief system, and careless words would be very hurtful.

spirit (ka) -- the way you connect to the divine.
        This is your core self, perfect and unable to be broken, corrupted, or changed in any way, because it is literally a part of the divine within you. This is where all healing comes from. Our spirit is in constant communication with the divine, but if our heart is closed we cannot sense our spirit, our soul, mind, and body cannot connect with the divine. Sometimes we need to connect with someone else in order to reach through our other layers and allow the divine to flow fully through our being. Prayer, sex, and energy healing help with this (and probably other things I don't have words for). Everyone has a perfectly beautiful spirit, but sometimes it is deeply hidden under layers of pain and cannot be easily seen -- and sometimes people are very wounded in heart or soul and treat us terribly, but we can still see their spirit and so we still love them. (that can be extremely confusing, because often all others can see is the hurtful outside, while you see the spirit -- and it's really hard to recognise that sometimes despite that connection, it is not the right time to be close to that person)

If you have a strong spirit connection with someone, ( ... )

------------
heart (ib) -- the way you connect to the world.
        This is where a person's spirituality is, how they emotionally understand their faith. This is like the iris of an eye -- it can change by opening up or closing, but otherwise stays the same. You can choose whether to open it or not, but if the soul is wounded the heart cannot shine through clearly even if it is open. It's the part of you that connects with the rest of creation -- people, animals, etc. It's where your own style of loving comes from.

When you have a strong heart connection with someone, ( ... )

------------
soul (ba) -- the way you interact with the world.
        I think this is where a person's personality (outward expression of self) is, how they approach challenges. This changes a lot as it matures. If it is wounded and not yet healed in a place, that place will be a dark spot where the heart and spirit cannot shine through.

When you have a strong soul connection with someone, ( ... )

------------
( mind & body )

I see spirit as this one universal thing that all created things are facets of (people, trees, animals, rocks, etc). Humans have additional non-physical parts; our individual hearts are wrapped around our spirit-facet, and then our soul is wrapped around that, and it is our soul that we bump into others with. I kinda see God/dess as this snakelocks anemone, and humans are special tentacles with two 'gloves' on, the heart and soul. We are unique in the same way each tentacle is unique, and we are all the same in the sense that we are all part of the same body, the universe. We are all extremely important because only by understanding fully every human and every created thing could one even begin to understand God/dess. At our core, our spirit, we DO understand everything fully, and I believe that when we die, we will "know fully, even as [we are] fully known" because our wounds/blocks will be gone, and our spirits will be able to shine through us completely, even into our minds. I believe we can do this in a limited way now -- we call it intuition, when our spirits speak and our mind hears. "Intuition allows one to draw on that vast storehouse of unconscious knowledge that includes not only everything that one has experienced or learned, either consciously or subliminally, but also the infinite reservoir of the collective or universal unconscious." (Frances E. Vaughan) Or basically, our intuition is our connection to God/dess, which is all things and therefore omniscient, and when we tap into it we can know anything that is known.

I see the ethereal parts -- spirit, heart, soul -- as colors. People who have like colors to me have a connection to me. For instance, I see myself as having a vivid violet spirit, and I see Hannah with a lavender-violet spirit, so we have a strong spirit connection. I see my heart as spring green, and I see Lily with a minty-teal heart, so we have a very strong heart connection. I see my soul as bright scarlet, and I see Kat with an intensely red soul also, so we have a strong soul connection. Colors are the best way for me to understand these connections, because they don't fit into words, but you can get the gist of them by reading my description of the types of connections. (I also have ethereal connections with others, but I'm not going to list them all now because I want to make that into its own post)

thanks to Nick, Hannah, and Ava for inspiring me to FINALLY get this written.

I am in awe of life right now. Total and complete fucking awe. My life is richer than cheesecake, I can hardly stomach it! I am absolutely the most blessed, loved, doted-on-by-deity person that there ever is, was, or will be! I am SOOOOO happy, SO happy, SO SO SO filled with JOY!

I feel like I suddenly got pregnant and gave birth, all in a few days, and then two days later it happened again! and now I feel pregnant again. (not literally) Now I have all these newborn fae creations, all this life, all this love, floods and floods of joy joy joy. So much! I am absolutely overwhelmed, in the best way. Oh, how can life be so beautiful? how can I be so... blessed? How can this be? How can this be?

Oh God/dess, oh Nut, oh Jesus, oh Ma'at, oh life, how can you love me so much? how can you bless me so much? How can I be so cherished?

I have cried with joy almost every day for the past week. Is it any wonder I cannot express this? I marvel at how I manage not to explode -- how can one person hold so much joy and love and faith and hope? such gratitude.

I'm not yet ready to explain, but I will tell you what I believe opened the way for this love-joy to enter my life. Here is ( my affirmation )

I am in awe of life right now. Total and complete fucking awe. My life is richer than cheesecake, I can hardly stomach it! I am absolutely the most blessed, loved, doted-on-by-deity person that there ever is, was, or will be! I am SOOOOO happy, SO happy, SO SO SO filled with JOY!

I feel like I suddenly got pregnant and gave birth, all in a few days, and then two days later it happened again! and now I feel pregnant again. (not literally) Now I have all these newborn fae creations, all this life, all this love, floods and floods of joy joy joy. So much! I am absolutely overwhelmed, in the best way. Oh, how can life be so beautiful? how can I be so... blessed? How can this be? How can this be?

Oh God/dess, oh Nut, oh Jesus, oh Ma'at, oh life, how can you love me so much? how can you bless me so much? How can I be so cherished?

I have cried with joy almost every day for the past week. Is it any wonder I cannot express this? I marvel at how I manage not to explode -- how can one person hold so much joy and love and faith and hope? such gratitude.

I'm not yet ready to explain, but I will tell you what I believe opened the way for this love-joy to enter my life. Here is ( my affirmation )

I am in awe of life right now. Total and complete fucking awe. My life is richer than cheesecake, I can hardly stomach it! I am absolutely the most blessed, loved, doted-on-by-deity person that there ever is, was, or will be! I am SOOOOO happy, SO happy, SO SO SO filled with JOY!

I feel like I suddenly got pregnant and gave birth, all in a few days, and then two days later it happened again! and now I feel pregnant again. (not literally) Now I have all these newborn fae creations, all this life, all this love, floods and floods of joy joy joy. So much! I am absolutely overwhelmed, in the best way. Oh, how can life be so beautiful? how can I be so... blessed? How can this be? How can this be?

Oh God/dess, oh Nut, oh Jesus, oh Ma'at, oh life, how can you love me so much? how can you bless me so much? How can I be so cherished?

I have cried with joy almost every day for the past week. Is it any wonder I cannot express this? I marvel at how I manage not to explode -- how can one person hold so much joy and love and faith and hope? such gratitude.

I'm not yet ready to explain, but I will tell you what I believe opened the way for this love-joy to enter my life. Here is ( my affirmation )

Tonight was my first counseling session with Patricia, so we didn't dive too deep, though I think we touched on just about every pain in my life. I felt very stirred up inside... BUT.

Patricia told me that she was abused from very young until she was 17, and she used to get panic attacks when she knew that the perpertrator was in the same city... but two years ago she was able to go to a reunion where she sat next to him, so close that their knees touched, and she wasn't at all afraid or angry or upset. All she felt was a little sorry for him.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? It means that there IS healing for us. We victims CAN get there. It isn't unreachable (she reached it in four years, and her abuse was much worse than mine) and it is possible for me to become the person I was designed to be, that "real" me that I daydream about. I can have my sexuality redeemed and be the fucking nympho that my true self is, I can get past all fear, I can learn to trust God (which is actually the hardest part), and maybe, just maybe, forgive my parents for not protecting me like they were supposed to (I don't really mean maybe, but that's hard for me to believe). And I know beyond any doubt that if healing is possible, I will get it. Probably not as soon as I'd like, but you better believe I will get there!

Of course, I have to dig up every single memory and work through it for that to happen, so this isn't the most gleeful thing in the world... but I have been given hope again. We can be healed, and when I am, I will actually have hope to offer to others like me. That was the worst thing for me, to think that God could allow one human to completely destroy another, that he could resist stepping in -- but now I know it's not complete destruction, healing is possible. Oh, almost as much as I long to be healed for my own sake, I long to be healed so that I can offer hope to others!

--------

...and I had always secretly thought to myself, 'So he was crucified and beaten, but that's mere physical pain; how can he know what rape victims feel?' Tonight Patricia told me that Roman soldiers are historically reputed for sodomizing their prisoners... so he did know what it's like. And he did go through what I went through. I feel closer to him, somehow.

Tonight was my first counseling session with Patricia, so we didn't dive too deep, though I think we touched on just about every pain in my life. I felt very stirred up inside... BUT.

Patricia told me that she was abused from very young until she was 17, and she used to get panic attacks when she knew that the perpertrator was in the same city... but two years ago she was able to go to a reunion where she sat next to him, so close that their knees touched, and she wasn't at all afraid or angry or upset. All she felt was a little sorry for him.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? It means that there IS healing for us. We victims CAN get there. It isn't unreachable (she reached it in four years, and her abuse was much worse than mine) and it is possible for me to become the person I was designed to be, that "real" me that I daydream about. I can have my sexuality redeemed and be the fucking nympho that my true self is, I can get past all fear, I can learn to trust God (which is actually the hardest part), and maybe, just maybe, forgive my parents for not protecting me like they were supposed to (I don't really mean maybe, but that's hard for me to believe). And I know beyond any doubt that if healing is possible, I will get it. Probably not as soon as I'd like, but you better believe I will get there!

Of course, I have to dig up every single memory and work through it for that to happen, so this isn't the most gleeful thing in the world... but I have been given hope again. We can be healed, and when I am, I will actually have hope to offer to others like me. That was the worst thing for me, to think that God could allow one human to completely destroy another, that he could resist stepping in -- but now I know it's not complete destruction, healing is possible. Oh, almost as much as I long to be healed for my own sake, I long to be healed so that I can offer hope to others!

--------

...and I had always secretly thought to myself, 'So he was crucified and beaten, but that's mere physical pain; how can he know what rape victims feel?' Tonight Patricia told me that Roman soldiers are historically reputed for sodomizing their prisoners... so he did know what it's like. And he did go through what I went through. I feel closer to him, somehow.

Full moon days are always awesome for me: today was no exception. I had such a wonderfully fun day!

Kim, a woman from my church, took me out for the day, just to hang out. We went to lunch (at a place where they graciously pureed our soups for us) and talked for four hours straight -- and we've never had a conversation before. It was awesome... we talked about counseling (she's just now starting sessions with Richard and Virginia) and Costa Rica and how we both want to learn to speak Spanish and how our marriages are going (her marriage is only a little older than mine) and how we were raised and what our relationships with God are like.... and I told her about the first time I heard from God. I was writing a "letter" to him in my journal, asking questions -- and I heard the answers and wrote them down as I went along -- and those answers I haven't really wavered in faith about. They were so clear, 'cause when I'm writing my spirit is open, I can sense things better, and my mind is focused, so it doesn't get all fuzzy and doubtful. When I was telling her this, I realized that, as usual, I had gotten impatient with the method that really works for me, and had tried to just hear, 'like other people do,' and had stopped talkin' to him with my journal. I decided that I really should start scribble-to-God journaling again.

She was very excited about that idea, so when we left she drove us over to Barnes and Noble to buy a journal, and insisted on buying one for me too -- she wanted to buy me two! -- and ended up buying one for me and three for herself. I told her I have two partially-filled journals at home already, but she said she wanted us to do this together. ;-)

From there we went to Java & Juice Smoothie and both ordered peanut butter smoothies, which we tucked into her purse to sneak into the theatre -- where we saw "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow" 'cause she likes Angelina Jolie too. That movie wasn't as bad as I had expected; it was quite engrossing in parts, once you accepted the idea of futuristic science set in the 50s. (I think it was the 50s... I'm not that great at dating styles) Angelina has a bit part, barely five full minutes of screen time, but in watching Gweneth Paltrow act I discovered that she's pretty good -- you have to be to portray a character of any depth in a movie with so much suspension of logic. And I don't know what his name is, but the guy who plays Dex is an awesome actor. I really like him.

Anyway, we had so much fun... we're so different though. I'm a short, pale, curvy Georgian; she's a tallish, black, slender New Yorkan... and she's about eighteen years older than I am. Yet we click. I just love her personality; besides her generosity (she paid for everything the whole day) she's just so excitable! I love it when I can talk about something that I love and the listener gets excited for my sake, even when it has nothing to do with them.


---------------------------------

I'm constantly tempted to use personality abbreviations, so let me explain them so I can start using them.

D -- extrovert, task-oriented; they're great leaders, but tend to be controlling; determined, blunt, bossy, courageous, hard-working; pragmatic to the point of being emotionless. Not very creative; if it isn't productive in terms of their primary goal, why do it? D's are extremely hard to influence, because they see themselves as having it all together.
I -- extrovert, people-oriented; excitable, happy, optimistic, emotional, loving, tend to be sloppy; hard-working but with a short attention span. Very creative, in a loosely styled way; abstract painting, for instance. I's don't like structure; it's more fun to color all over the paper than just inside the lines. I's are easily swayed by popular opinion, because they care what everybody thinks.
S -- introvert, people-oriented; calm, quiet, patient, loyal, supportive, tend to be lazy; slow to get moving, but has more endurance once started. Not all that creative; likes to follow the norm, and do whatever is popular at the moment. S's are easily swayed, but only by the opinions of those they respect.
C -- introvert, task-oriented; perfectionist, cautious, intense (often obsessive), likes to be alone; driven; tends to be critical of those who aren't as careful and perfect; the most dedicated worker of all personalities. Very creative, in a structured way; creating computer programs, for instance. C's are not easy to influence; only those who seem to have a more perfect, hard-working life than their own can sway them.

I'm a DICs. My D, I, and C are pretty much tied, but my D and C tend to overwhelm my I. It's still there though!
---------------------------------


So anyway, Kimmi is an I, with a little D and a little S thrown in, not much C. I's are so much fun to be around; I find them invigorating and encouraging. I'm delighted to add another I to my list of cool people.

Full moon days are always awesome for me: today was no exception. I had such a wonderfully fun day!

Kim, a woman from my church, took me out for the day, just to hang out. We went to lunch (at a place where they graciously pureed our soups for us) and talked for four hours straight -- and we've never had a conversation before. It was awesome... we talked about counseling (she's just now starting sessions with Richard and Virginia) and Costa Rica and how we both want to learn to speak Spanish and how our marriages are going (her marriage is only a little older than mine) and how we were raised and what our relationships with God are like.... and I told her about the first time I heard from God. I was writing a "letter" to him in my journal, asking questions -- and I heard the answers and wrote them down as I went along -- and those answers I haven't really wavered in faith about. They were so clear, 'cause when I'm writing my spirit is open, I can sense things better, and my mind is focused, so it doesn't get all fuzzy and doubtful. When I was telling her this, I realized that, as usual, I had gotten impatient with the method that really works for me, and had tried to just hear, 'like other people do,' and had stopped talkin' to him with my journal. I decided that I really should start scribble-to-God journaling again.

She was very excited about that idea, so when we left she drove us over to Barnes and Noble to buy a journal, and insisted on buying one for me too -- she wanted to buy me two! -- and ended up buying one for me and three for herself. I told her I have two partially-filled journals at home already, but she said she wanted us to do this together. ;-)

From there we went to Java & Juice Smoothie and both ordered peanut butter smoothies, which we tucked into her purse to sneak into the theatre -- where we saw "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow" 'cause she likes Angelina Jolie too. That movie wasn't as bad as I had expected; it was quite engrossing in parts, once you accepted the idea of futuristic science set in the 50s. (I think it was the 50s... I'm not that great at dating styles) Angelina has a bit part, barely five full minutes of screen time, but in watching Gweneth Paltrow act I discovered that she's pretty good -- you have to be to portray a character of any depth in a movie with so much suspension of logic. And I don't know what his name is, but the guy who plays Dex is an awesome actor. I really like him.

Anyway, we had so much fun... we're so different though. I'm a short, pale, curvy Georgian; she's a tallish, black, slender New Yorkan... and she's about eighteen years older than I am. Yet we click. I just love her personality; besides her generosity (she paid for everything the whole day) she's just so excitable! I love it when I can talk about something that I love and the listener gets excited for my sake, even when it has nothing to do with them.


---------------------------------

I'm constantly tempted to use personality abbreviations, so let me explain them so I can start using them.

D -- extrovert, task-oriented; they're great leaders, but tend to be controlling; determined, blunt, bossy, courageous, hard-working; pragmatic to the point of being emotionless. Not very creative; if it isn't productive in terms of their primary goal, why do it? D's are extremely hard to influence, because they see themselves as having it all together.
I -- extrovert, people-oriented; excitable, happy, optimistic, emotional, loving, tend to be sloppy; hard-working but with a short attention span. Very creative, in a loosely styled way; abstract painting, for instance. I's don't like structure; it's more fun to color all over the paper than just inside the lines. I's are easily swayed by popular opinion, because they care what everybody thinks.
S -- introvert, people-oriented; calm, quiet, patient, loyal, supportive, tend to be lazy; slow to get moving, but has more endurance once started. Not all that creative; likes to follow the norm, and do whatever is popular at the moment. S's are easily swayed, but only by the opinions of those they respect.
C -- introvert, task-oriented; perfectionist, cautious, intense (often obsessive), likes to be alone; driven; tends to be critical of those who aren't as careful and perfect; the most dedicated worker of all personalities. Very creative, in a structured way; creating computer programs, for instance. C's are not easy to influence; only those who seem to have a more perfect, hard-working life than their own can sway them.

I'm a DICs. My D, I, and C are pretty much tied, but my D and C tend to overwhelm my I. It's still there though!
---------------------------------


So anyway, Kimmi is an I, with a little D and a little S thrown in, not much C. I's are so much fun to be around; I find them invigorating and encouraging. I'm delighted to add another I to my list of cool people.

Full moon days are always awesome for me: today was no exception. I had such a wonderfully fun day!

Kim, a woman from my church, took me out for the day, just to hang out. We went to lunch (at a place where they graciously pureed our soups for us) and talked for four hours straight -- and we've never had a conversation before. It was awesome... we talked about counseling (she's just now starting sessions with Richard and Virginia) and Costa Rica and how we both want to learn to speak Spanish and how our marriages are going (her marriage is only a little older than mine) and how we were raised and what our relationships with God are like.... and I told her about the first time I heard from God. I was writing a "letter" to him in my journal, asking questions -- and I heard the answers and wrote them down as I went along -- and those answers I haven't really wavered in faith about. They were so clear, 'cause when I'm writing my spirit is open, I can sense things better, and my mind is focused, so it doesn't get all fuzzy and doubtful. When I was telling her this, I realized that, as usual, I had gotten impatient with the method that really works for me, and had tried to just hear, 'like other people do,' and had stopped talkin' to him with my journal. I decided that I really should start scribble-to-God journaling again.

She was very excited about that idea, so when we left she drove us over to Barnes and Noble to buy a journal, and insisted on buying one for me too -- she wanted to buy me two! -- and ended up buying one for me and three for herself. I told her I have two partially-filled journals at home already, but she said she wanted us to do this together. ;-)

From there we went to Java & Juice Smoothie and both ordered peanut butter smoothies, which we tucked into her purse to sneak into the theatre -- where we saw "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow" 'cause she likes Angelina Jolie too. That movie wasn't as bad as I had expected; it was quite engrossing in parts, once you accepted the idea of futuristic science set in the 50s. (I think it was the 50s... I'm not that great at dating styles) Angelina has a bit part, barely five full minutes of screen time, but in watching Gweneth Paltrow act I discovered that she's pretty good -- you have to be to portray a character of any depth in a movie with so much suspension of logic. And I don't know what his name is, but the guy who plays Dex is an awesome actor. I really like him.

Anyway, we had so much fun... we're so different though. I'm a short, pale, curvy Georgian; she's a tallish, black, slender New Yorkan... and she's about eighteen years older than I am. Yet we click. I just love her personality; besides her generosity (she paid for everything the whole day) she's just so excitable! I love it when I can talk about something that I love and the listener gets excited for my sake, even when it has nothing to do with them.


---------------------------------

I'm constantly tempted to use personality abbreviations, so let me explain them so I can start using them.

D -- extrovert, task-oriented; they're great leaders, but tend to be controlling; determined, blunt, bossy, courageous, hard-working; pragmatic to the point of being emotionless. Not very creative; if it isn't productive in terms of their primary goal, why do it? D's are extremely hard to influence, because they see themselves as having it all together.
I -- extrovert, people-oriented; excitable, happy, optimistic, emotional, loving, tend to be sloppy; hard-working but with a short attention span. Very creative, in a loosely styled way; abstract painting, for instance. I's don't like structure; it's more fun to color all over the paper than just inside the lines. I's are easily swayed by popular opinion, because they care what everybody thinks.
S -- introvert, people-oriented; calm, quiet, patient, loyal, supportive, tend to be lazy; slow to get moving, but has more endurance once started. Not all that creative; likes to follow the norm, and do whatever is popular at the moment. S's are easily swayed, but only by the opinions of those they respect.
C -- introvert, task-oriented; perfectionist, cautious, intense (often obsessive), likes to be alone; driven; tends to be critical of those who aren't as careful and perfect; the most dedicated worker of all personalities. Very creative, in a structured way; creating computer programs, for instance. C's are not easy to influence; only those who seem to have a more perfect, hard-working life than their own can sway them.

I'm a DICs. My D, I, and C are pretty much tied, but my D and C tend to overwhelm my I. It's still there though!
---------------------------------


So anyway, Kimmi is an I, with a little D and a little S thrown in, not much C. I's are so much fun to be around; I find them invigorating and encouraging. I'm delighted to add another I to my list of cool people.

describe me to a stranger if you haven't yet!


I decided about a year ago to invest trust in people without testing them for a long while first. Out of that decision came my relationship with Kaylene, which some may say wasn't worth it, since she disappeared from my life not long after we began our friendship. But it was the bravest thing I've done, and I learned so much about myself from it. I was a bit hurt when she decided that being that close was too scary and she backed off, but I actually didn't get offended -- 'cause I remember what it's like to not be able to trust. I healed very quickly, and now I simply look forward to when we are close again. I believe it will happen before I have kids, and they'll grow up calling her "Aunt Kaylene." ;-) She's such a brave, intense, loving spirit, and being sisters for three months was worth all the missing her afterwards. Though it was short, it was the most intimate friendship I've ever had. There was nothing hidden between us.

I must also mention my jedibubbles and Kristy -- but they live in FL and I rarely get to have contact with them. Del and I have committed to a lifelong friendship, and hopefully she can grow to trust me as much as I trust her -- but that will be a long road, because she's trusted too many people who proved themselves to be untrustworthy. Kristy and I have been in contact less than 30 times, but we have a bond that is so powerful that anytime we get together we can spill our souls fearlessly, without any awkwardness -- BOTH of us (usually it's just me that's so open)! We only recently hit the same level of maturity (she's a lot younger so she had some catching up to do) so our friendship is just starting to take off.

----------------------------------------------

Trust, and the honesty that comes out of it, is hard to find. I no longer have a hard time trusting, but unfortunately most people do... and that hurts. I know that I'd give nearly anything to help those I've chosen to love, but they have a hard time believing that I love them unconditionally, forever, for the sole reason that their spirits are beautiful to me. I suppose that makes sense -- not many people have learned the wild rollercoaster passion of giving your heart completely. I'm grateful to have learned it.

describe me to a stranger if you haven't yet!


I decided about a year ago to invest trust in people without testing them for a long while first. Out of that decision came my relationship with Kaylene, which some may say wasn't worth it, since she disappeared from my life not long after we began our friendship. But it was the bravest thing I've done, and I learned so much about myself from it. I was a bit hurt when she decided that being that close was too scary and she backed off, but I actually didn't get offended -- 'cause I remember what it's like to not be able to trust. I healed very quickly, and now I simply look forward to when we are close again. I believe it will happen before I have kids, and they'll grow up calling her "Aunt Kaylene." ;-) She's such a brave, intense, loving spirit, and being sisters for three months was worth all the missing her afterwards. Though it was short, it was the most intimate friendship I've ever had. There was nothing hidden between us.

I must also mention my jedibubbles and Kristy -- but they live in FL and I rarely get to have contact with them. Del and I have committed to a lifelong friendship, and hopefully she can grow to trust me as much as I trust her -- but that will be a long road, because she's trusted too many people who proved themselves to be untrustworthy. Kristy and I have been in contact less than 30 times, but we have a bond that is so powerful that anytime we get together we can spill our souls fearlessly, without any awkwardness -- BOTH of us (usually it's just me that's so open)! We only recently hit the same level of maturity (she's a lot younger so she had some catching up to do) so our friendship is just starting to take off.

----------------------------------------------

Trust, and the honesty that comes out of it, is hard to find. I no longer have a hard time trusting, but unfortunately most people do... and that hurts. I know that I'd give nearly anything to help those I've chosen to love, but they have a hard time believing that I love them unconditionally, forever, for the sole reason that their spirits are beautiful to me. I suppose that makes sense -- not many people have learned the wild rollercoaster passion of giving your heart completely. I'm grateful to have learned it.

describe me to a stranger if you haven't yet!


I decided about a year ago to invest trust in people without testing them for a long while first. Out of that decision came my relationship with Kaylene, which some may say wasn't worth it, since she disappeared from my life not long after we began our friendship. But it was the bravest thing I've done, and I learned so much about myself from it. I was a bit hurt when she decided that being that close was too scary and she backed off, but I actually didn't get offended -- 'cause I remember what it's like to not be able to trust. I healed very quickly, and now I simply look forward to when we are close again. I believe it will happen before I have kids, and they'll grow up calling her "Aunt Kaylene." ;-) She's such a brave, intense, loving spirit, and being sisters for three months was worth all the missing her afterwards. Though it was short, it was the most intimate friendship I've ever had. There was nothing hidden between us.

I must also mention my jedibubbles and Kristy -- but they live in FL and I rarely get to have contact with them. Del and I have committed to a lifelong friendship, and hopefully she can grow to trust me as much as I trust her -- but that will be a long road, because she's trusted too many people who proved themselves to be untrustworthy. Kristy and I have been in contact less than 30 times, but we have a bond that is so powerful that anytime we get together we can spill our souls fearlessly, without any awkwardness -- BOTH of us (usually it's just me that's so open)! We only recently hit the same level of maturity (she's a lot younger so she had some catching up to do) so our friendship is just starting to take off.

----------------------------------------------

Trust, and the honesty that comes out of it, is hard to find. I no longer have a hard time trusting, but unfortunately most people do... and that hurts. I know that I'd give nearly anything to help those I've chosen to love, but they have a hard time believing that I love them unconditionally, forever, for the sole reason that their spirits are beautiful to me. I suppose that makes sense -- not many people have learned the wild rollercoaster passion of giving your heart completely. I'm grateful to have learned it.

Sunday was wonderful! Yes, I had a very good day! Yay!

I woke up late, was cuddled by Ben, made myself a perfect smoothie (I am the Smoothie Queen, yo), went to the library and spent 15 minutes on the internet (and got an email from Kaylene!), went to church early for intercession, then went to the service where Pastor John's little blonde wife spoke (she's cute and funny), picked up some ice on the way home ('cause I forgot to refill the ice trays AGAIN), made a giant frappuchino to share with Ben (I'm also the Frappachino Queen -- the ones I make are a cross between a frosty and a starbucks frapp), made a blended, tobasco'ed veggie-brunswick-stew for heating up at hungry times (and it was so yummy! It looked gross, so I didn't have my hopes up, but it was delicious), and took a long shower with Ben... but that was it, 'cause we have to wait a week for the birth control to kick in since we got it late.

Oh yeah, and at church I met my prayer partner for the fast, Ty, who seems very awesome. At first I didn't think she was attractive, but after we started talking I noticed her eyes and her lips -- she's beautiful, but she was wearing lipstick that made her mouth blend with her face, so I didn't notice at first. She has this intensity about her that intrigued me, but I'm afraid I came across as bland, distracted person.... I was spiritually exhausted from this week, and just didn't react to her like I would have if I was being my normal self. I have a feeling that that quality was quite apparent to people -- Opal, a lady who I've spoken with once, sat down with me and asked me what was going on. (she's very spiritually sensitive anyway, I've begun to really admire her) I told her my faith struggles and how it was difficult since I didn't really know anyone who had gotten past this, and she invited me to her group. I forget exactly what she said, but she definitely got the impression to me that she had been in my situation and has learned the secret. I'll be going to her group when I can. Anyway, back to Ty. We talked just a little -- she asked me if I had any specific prayer request, and when I told her, she said that her faith had been struggling too. We prayed briefly together (I got a strong feeling of spiritual kinship -- I didn't realize that you can learn so much about a person from praying with them. I suppose it shows up best with strangers) and decided that since she was going to be out of town for the week and I'm uncontactable, we'll both just pray at 8:00 every night, so we'll be sort of praying together. She looked me in the eyes and told me to call her anytime (she gave me her cell #); I said okay; she said, "I mean it, call me anytime." When I left, I looked back; she was looking at me, and waved and said bye; I was surprised that she seemed so interested. If I had met a stranger, there's not much chance I'd watch her walk out the door when a friend of mine was standing near waiting to talk to me. But she seemed intrigued.

I have a strong feeling that I recognize her... yet she's not someone I'd have ever deliberately befriended. If I had met her earlier in my life, I'd have probably disliked her just because her confidence made me aware of my own insecurity. But my own confidence and assertive personality is much stronger than it used to be, and rather than being afraid of strong people, I now enjoy their company. That was a delightful realization.

The way our spirits connected when we looked each other in the eyes was something I've only rarely experienced, and never with a girl. When I lived in Gainesville, I met a guy named Michael who worked at the Penny University, a coffeeshop down the street from my job. ( my first experience with spirit connections )

----------------------------------------------------------------

I believe that before we were born, we were spirits in heaven, and formed friendships there. I also believe that we, along with God, decided on the major events that were going to happen in our lives, and we all chose to come here to learn from those events. (this would explain deja-vu; we knew before we knew) At birth we forget all those things, but sometimes our spirit-friendship is strong enough to allow us to recognize the spirit inside a person. Our spirits, unfortunately, are often so numbed by what we use to hide the unhealed wounds in our lives that we don't recognize the path we are to take or the people we are to love. There quite a few verses (jer 1:5, for instance) that support the idea that we were with God before we were born; still, this is my own personal take on things, not necessarily pure truth.

Sunday was wonderful! Yes, I had a very good day! Yay!

I woke up late, was cuddled by Ben, made myself a perfect smoothie (I am the Smoothie Queen, yo), went to the library and spent 15 minutes on the internet (and got an email from Kaylene!), went to church early for intercession, then went to the service where Pastor John's little blonde wife spoke (she's cute and funny), picked up some ice on the way home ('cause I forgot to refill the ice trays AGAIN), made a giant frappuchino to share with Ben (I'm also the Frappachino Queen -- the ones I make are a cross between a frosty and a starbucks frapp), made a blended, tobasco'ed veggie-brunswick-stew for heating up at hungry times (and it was so yummy! It looked gross, so I didn't have my hopes up, but it was delicious), and took a long shower with Ben... but that was it, 'cause we have to wait a week for the birth control to kick in since we got it late.

Oh yeah, and at church I met my prayer partner for the fast, Ty, who seems very awesome. At first I didn't think she was attractive, but after we started talking I noticed her eyes and her lips -- she's beautiful, but she was wearing lipstick that made her mouth blend with her face, so I didn't notice at first. She has this intensity about her that intrigued me, but I'm afraid I came across as bland, distracted person.... I was spiritually exhausted from this week, and just didn't react to her like I would have if I was being my normal self. I have a feeling that that quality was quite apparent to people -- Opal, a lady who I've spoken with once, sat down with me and asked me what was going on. (she's very spiritually sensitive anyway, I've begun to really admire her) I told her my faith struggles and how it was difficult since I didn't really know anyone who had gotten past this, and she invited me to her group. I forget exactly what she said, but she definitely got the impression to me that she had been in my situation and has learned the secret. I'll be going to her group when I can. Anyway, back to Ty. We talked just a little -- she asked me if I had any specific prayer request, and when I told her, she said that her faith had been struggling too. We prayed briefly together (I got a strong feeling of spiritual kinship -- I didn't realize that you can learn so much about a person from praying with them. I suppose it shows up best with strangers) and decided that since she was going to be out of town for the week and I'm uncontactable, we'll both just pray at 8:00 every night, so we'll be sort of praying together. She looked me in the eyes and told me to call her anytime (she gave me her cell #); I said okay; she said, "I mean it, call me anytime." When I left, I looked back; she was looking at me, and waved and said bye; I was surprised that she seemed so interested. If I had met a stranger, there's not much chance I'd watch her walk out the door when a friend of mine was standing near waiting to talk to me. But she seemed intrigued.

I have a strong feeling that I recognize her... yet she's not someone I'd have ever deliberately befriended. If I had met her earlier in my life, I'd have probably disliked her just because her confidence made me aware of my own insecurity. But my own confidence and assertive personality is much stronger than it used to be, and rather than being afraid of strong people, I now enjoy their company. That was a delightful realization.

The way our spirits connected when we looked each other in the eyes was something I've only rarely experienced, and never with a girl. When I lived in Gainesville, I met a guy named Michael who worked at the Penny University, a coffeeshop down the street from my job. ( my first experience with spirit connections )

----------------------------------------------------------------

I believe that before we were born, we were spirits in heaven, and formed friendships there. I also believe that we, along with God, decided on the major events that were going to happen in our lives, and we all chose to come here to learn from those events. (this would explain deja-vu; we knew before we knew) At birth we forget all those things, but sometimes our spirit-friendship is strong enough to allow us to recognize the spirit inside a person. Our spirits, unfortunately, are often so numbed by what we use to hide the unhealed wounds in our lives that we don't recognize the path we are to take or the people we are to love. There quite a few verses (jer 1:5, for instance) that support the idea that we were with God before we were born; still, this is my own personal take on things, not necessarily pure truth.

Sunday was wonderful! Yes, I had a very good day! Yay!

I woke up late, was cuddled by Ben, made myself a perfect smoothie (I am the Smoothie Queen, yo), went to the library and spent 15 minutes on the internet (and got an email from Kaylene!), went to church early for intercession, then went to the service where Pastor John's little blonde wife spoke (she's cute and funny), picked up some ice on the way home ('cause I forgot to refill the ice trays AGAIN), made a giant frappuchino to share with Ben (I'm also the Frappachino Queen -- the ones I make are a cross between a frosty and a starbucks frapp), made a blended, tobasco'ed veggie-brunswick-stew for heating up at hungry times (and it was so yummy! It looked gross, so I didn't have my hopes up, but it was delicious), and took a long shower with Ben... but that was it, 'cause we have to wait a week for the birth control to kick in since we got it late.

Oh yeah, and at church I met my prayer partner for the fast, Ty, who seems very awesome. At first I didn't think she was attractive, but after we started talking I noticed her eyes and her lips -- she's beautiful, but she was wearing lipstick that made her mouth blend with her face, so I didn't notice at first. She has this intensity about her that intrigued me, but I'm afraid I came across as bland, distracted person.... I was spiritually exhausted from this week, and just didn't react to her like I would have if I was being my normal self. I have a feeling that that quality was quite apparent to people -- Opal, a lady who I've spoken with once, sat down with me and asked me what was going on. (she's very spiritually sensitive anyway, I've begun to really admire her) I told her my faith struggles and how it was difficult since I didn't really know anyone who had gotten past this, and she invited me to her group. I forget exactly what she said, but she definitely got the impression to me that she had been in my situation and has learned the secret. I'll be going to her group when I can. Anyway, back to Ty. We talked just a little -- she asked me if I had any specific prayer request, and when I told her, she said that her faith had been struggling too. We prayed briefly together (I got a strong feeling of spiritual kinship -- I didn't realize that you can learn so much about a person from praying with them. I suppose it shows up best with strangers) and decided that since she was going to be out of town for the week and I'm uncontactable, we'll both just pray at 8:00 every night, so we'll be sort of praying together. She looked me in the eyes and told me to call her anytime (she gave me her cell #); I said okay; she said, "I mean it, call me anytime." When I left, I looked back; she was looking at me, and waved and said bye; I was surprised that she seemed so interested. If I had met a stranger, there's not much chance I'd watch her walk out the door when a friend of mine was standing near waiting to talk to me. But she seemed intrigued.

I have a strong feeling that I recognize her... yet she's not someone I'd have ever deliberately befriended. If I had met her earlier in my life, I'd have probably disliked her just because her confidence made me aware of my own insecurity. But my own confidence and assertive personality is much stronger than it used to be, and rather than being afraid of strong people, I now enjoy their company. That was a delightful realization.

The way our spirits connected when we looked each other in the eyes was something I've only rarely experienced, and never with a girl. When I lived in Gainsville, I met a guy named Michael who worked at a coffeeshop down the street from my job. I'd often go to the shop and talk with him for long periods of time, and every single minute of it we'd stare into each other's eyes. And I mean STARE! like you can't do with your best friend because you'd both get uncomfortable and have to look away. And while our gaze was connected, it felt like we were on another plane, separated from the world. We didn't have the deepest conversations I've ever had, but we just had a soul intimacy that astounded and drew me -- and him too. That was the best part -- I knew how he felt about me, and it was exactly the same way I felt about him. He was seven years older than me, and was some kind of medical or science major, and we just had so little in common, yet we had that connection. It was fascinating. But I never knew his last name or got his damn email address, so I couldn't marry him off to Allison like I wanted to. ;-) (besides, I wasn't sure she'd like him) Other than 'the coffeeshop Michael' and my spirit-brother Gabe to a lesser extent, this girl is the only one I've met who connected with me like that -- and her connection seems lesser, but that may be because my spirit was half-asleep at the time.

----------------------------------------------------------------

I believe that before we were born, we were spirits in heaven, and formed friendships there. I also believe that we, along with God, decided on the major events that were going to happen in our lives, and we all chose to come here to learn from those events. (this would explain deja-vu; we knew before we knew) At birth we forget all those things, but sometimes our spirit-friendship is strong enough to allow us to recognise the spirit inside a person. Our spirits, unfortunately, are often so numbed by what we use to hide the unhealed wounds in our lives that we don't recognise the path we are to take or the people we are to love. There quite a few verses (jer 1:5, for instance) that support the idea that we were with God before we were born; still, this is my own personal take on things, not necessarily pure truth.

I feel like a butterfly trapped in the hands of a child; trying to get out is destroying my wings, but I can't resist trying. I literally have the urge to run around my room and throw myself at the walls. Or simply beat my body so that it cracks open like an eggshell and releases my spirit.

My faith, as I mentioned before, is struggling. Not my faith that God is, but my faith that he loves me especially. And especially my faith in my prayers is weak; I feel like I just don't believe enough to give my prayers the lift-off they need to reach God. And yes, I know he's here with me always; my head knows all the answers, but my heart says, "those aren't good enough. Let's see some proof, some physical proof in my own life that I can't deny or rationalize away, real proof that God loves me especially, and not just like he loves everybody." It wouldn't have to make sense or be believable to anyone else, just to me. But at the same time I'd want witnesses, whether they believed or not. Say God turned my hair purple; as long as people saw that it was purple, I don't care what they believe -- I knew I didn't dye it, so the fact that it was purple would be enough for me to believe. And that may seem like a very silly example, but if God came to me right now and said, "You can have any two things you want, just name them" I'd say, "First, always hearing you clearly and confidently; second, you turn my hair purple for at least a month, just to prove that I am very important to you." I'd have very little problems with faith then. There would be no other rational explanation... just God. I want something that physical and otherwise-unexplainable to happen in my life to show that God loves me especially. And if you think that's arrogant of me, you have closed yourself to your own desires; we all want proof that God loves us especially (at least those who believe in Jesus, anyway). And it's not like it would take a lot of effort from an omnipotent God.

I'm determined to grow in faith anyway, even if I have to spend every waking thought praying for more faith. If faith the size of a mustard seed can toss mountains, then damn! my faith must be microscopic! (but I know this is partly just an attack -- this is strategically a good time for Satan to bomb my faith, 'cause if my faith was strong right now I'd be making a lot of progress) I made a prayer list of people and situations that are on my heart, and have prayed bits and pieces of it but haven't actually prayed over the whole thing once. And I feel like I'm wasting time, but I just don't wanna pray if the whole time I'm going to be wondering if he's thinking, "Kristen, believe a little so I can actually put these prayers into effect."

This is hard.... yeah.

I feel like a butterfly trapped in the hands of a child; trying to get out is destroying my wings, but I can't resist trying. I literally have the urge to run around my room and throw myself at the walls. Or simply beat my body so that it cracks open like an eggshell and releases my spirit.

My faith, as I mentioned before, is struggling. Not my faith that God is, but my faith that he loves me especially. And especially my faith in my prayers is weak; I feel like I just don't believe enough to give my prayers the lift-off they need to reach God. And yes, I know he's here with me always; my head knows all the answers, but my heart says, "those aren't good enough. Let's see some proof, some physical proof in my own life that I can't deny or rationalize away, real proof that God loves me especially, and not just like he loves everybody." It wouldn't have to make sense or be believable to anyone else, just to me. But at the same time I'd want witnesses, whether they believed or not. Say God turned my hair purple; as long as people saw that it was purple, I don't care what they believe -- I knew I didn't dye it, so the fact that it was purple would be enough for me to believe. And that may seem like a very silly example, but if God came to me right now and said, "You can have any two things you want, just name them" I'd say, "First, always hearing you clearly and confidently; second, you turn my hair purple for at least a month, just to prove that I am very important to you." I'd have very little problems with faith then. There would be no other rational explanation... just God. I want something that physical and otherwise-unexplainable to happen in my life to show that God loves me especially. And if you think that's arrogant of me, you have closed yourself to your own desires; we all want proof that God loves us especially (at least those who believe in Jesus, anyway). And it's not like it would take a lot of effort from an omnipotent God.

I'm determined to grow in faith anyway, even if I have to spend every waking thought praying for more faith. If faith the size of a mustard seed can toss mountains, then damn! my faith must be microscopic! (but I know this is partly just an attack -- this is strategically a good time for Satan to bomb my faith, 'cause if my faith was strong right now I'd be making a lot of progress) I made a prayer list of people and situations that are on my heart, and have prayed bits and pieces of it but haven't actually prayed over the whole thing once. And I feel like I'm wasting time, but I just don't wanna pray if the whole time I'm going to be wondering if he's thinking, "Kristen, believe a little so I can actually put these prayers into effect."

This is hard.... yeah.

I feel like a butterfly trapped in the hands of a child; trying to get out is destroying my wings, but I can't resist trying. I literally have the urge to run around my room and throw myself at the walls. Or simply beat my body so that it cracks open like an eggshell and releases my spirit.

My faith, as I mentioned before, is struggling. Not my faith that God is, but my faith that he loves me especially. And especially my faith in my prayers is weak; I feel like I just don't believe enough to give my prayers the lift-off they need to reach God. And yes, I know he's here with me always; my head knows all the answers, but my heart says, "those aren't good enough. Let's see some proof, some physical proof in my own life that I can't deny or rationalize away, real proof that God loves me especially, and not just like he loves everybody." It wouldn't have to make sense or be believable to anyone else, just to me. But at the same time I'd want witnesses, whether they believed or not. Say God turned my hair purple; as long as people saw that it was purple, I don't care what they believe -- I knew I didn't dye it, so the fact that it was purple would be enough for me to believe. And that may seem like a very silly example, but if God came to me right now and said, "You can have any two things you want, just name them" I'd say, "First, always hearing you clearly and confidently; second, you turn my hair purple for at least a month, just to prove that I am very important to you." I'd have very little problems with faith then. There would be no other rational explanation... just God. I want something that physical and otherwise-unexplainable to happen in my life to show that God loves me especially. And if you think that's arrogant of me, you have closed yourself to your own desires; we all want proof that God loves us especially (at least those who believe in Jesus, anyway). And it's not like it would take a lot of effort from an omnipotent God.

I'm determined to grow in faith anyway, even if I have to spend every waking thought praying for more faith. If faith the size of a mustard seed can toss mountains, then damn! my faith must be microscopic! (but I know this is partly just an attack -- this is strategically a good time for Satan to bomb my faith, 'cause if my faith was strong right now I'd be making a lot of progress) I made a prayer list of people and situations that are on my heart, and have prayed bits and pieces of it but haven't actually prayed over the whole thing once. And I feel like I'm wasting time, but I just don't wanna pray if the whole time I'm going to be wondering if he's thinking, "Kristen, believe a little so I can actually put these prayers into effect."

This is hard.... yeah.

The weirdest thing about being a white person seeing only black people every day is: when I look in the mirror it freaks me out a little. On first glance my mind says "Wow she's colorless and bland." (But I've always thought that dark skin (not tanned) was more beautiful than pale skin.) It started making me a little self-conscious, in fact... but I'm over it now.


Wilson Kulaba, a pastor from Uganda, spoke at Liberty the past two weeks... we are such a boring crowd for him. He's used to people that holler amen and hallelujah after his every phrase -- I have so much fun when he preaches 'cause I can actually respond when I like something. Last week there was a lady sitting behind me who got into it too -- which made it easier for me to be myself. I love somewhat-boisterous people!

Anyway, when Apostle Kulaba preached, it really awakened something in me. The first week he was talking about following the dreams God lays in your heart, which really built me up (since I had been feeling a nudging by God to accept my dreams as my future, not just 'something that might happen'). I can't explain exactly why or how -- it was like my faith had been growing subconsciously and finally hit a conscious level. Part of it was simply his example -- I need to see someone who has stronger faith than me, and I need to hear (from another human) that God IS all-powerful. So many American churches make God out to be a wimp. "Oh, yeah, follow your calling -- but get a degree first in case it doesn't work out, and get a good job to fall back on." That's not 'wisdom' -- if God has said it will happen and you're saying "but what if," that is simply doubt. And I'm sick of this American mindset that if it's not easy, it's bad. And the "American christianity" mindset that if it's not easy, it's not GOD. Excuse me? Where is that in the Bible, I'd like to know! Apostle Kulaba is an example of a man who believed God, went through troubles, and finally ended up exactly where God said he would be. It was just sooooooooo encouraging to me.

And for the record, I do want to go to college, but not so I can have a career. I'd be perfectly happy making just enough to get by for the rest of my life. Any difficulties I have will develop me further and will develop my relationship with God further, and that is the important thing.


My biofather called the other day and told me that over the past few years he has realized that I have more faith than he does. Quite an admission from a man who, on being asked his opinion of me, said simply, "You're irresponsible, selfish, and inconsiderate." But he's changed a lot lately.

The weirdest thing about being a white person seeing only black people every day is: when I look in the mirror it freaks me out a little. On first glance my mind says "Wow she's colorless and bland." (But I've always thought that dark skin (not tanned) was more beautiful than pale skin.) It started making me a little self-conscious, in fact... but I'm over it now.


Wilson Kulaba, a pastor from Uganda, spoke at Liberty the past two weeks... we are such a boring crowd for him. He's used to people that holler amen and hallelujah after his every phrase -- I have so much fun when he preaches 'cause I can actually respond when I like something. Last week there was a lady sitting behind me who got into it too -- which made it easier for me to be myself. I love somewhat-boisterous people!

Anyway, when Apostle Kulaba preached, it really awakened something in me. The first week he was talking about following the dreams God lays in your heart, which really built me up (since I had been feeling a nudging by God to accept my dreams as my future, not just 'something that might happen'). I can't explain exactly why or how -- it was like my faith had been growing subconsciously and finally hit a conscious level. Part of it was simply his example -- I need to see someone who has stronger faith than me, and I need to hear (from another human) that God IS all-powerful. So many American churches make God out to be a wimp. "Oh, yeah, follow your calling -- but get a degree first in case it doesn't work out, and get a good job to fall back on." That's not 'wisdom' -- if God has said it will happen and you're saying "but what if," that is simply doubt. And I'm sick of this American mindset that if it's not easy, it's bad. And the "American christianity" mindset that if it's not easy, it's not GOD. Excuse me? Where is that in the Bible, I'd like to know! Apostle Kulaba is an example of a man who believed God, went through troubles, and finally ended up exactly where God said he would be. It was just sooooooooo encouraging to me.

And for the record, I do want to go to college, but not so I can have a career. I'd be perfectly happy making just enough to get by for the rest of my life. Any difficulties I have will develop me further and will develop my relationship with God further, and that is the important thing.


My biofather called the other day and told me that over the past few years he has realized that I have more faith than he does. Quite an admission from a man who, on being asked his opinion of me, said simply, "You're irresponsible, selfish, and inconsiderate." But he's changed a lot lately.