2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

( important events in 2011 )

2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

( important events in 2011 )

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )

I'm in a weird state at the moment. ( new job possibilities, nerves )

Also I'm hanging out with Wade tomorrow and I'm happy and nervous about that. Wade is Rob's housemate -- I've only really talked with zir once but it was a wonderful conversation and we cuddled a bit and that was even more wonderful so I think it'll go well. I feel a little ridiculous opening all these doors when I don't know anything about the direction my life is taking, but intuition says go, so going I am. (and I did ask the universe for as many lovers as I can handle... haha)

The borderpagans meeting tonight consisted of myself, Ben, Green, Anita, Chip, and Christa. Something about that collection of people felt just amazing. I mean, it could have been that I was just high from being around both Ben and Anita but I think it was more than that -- the energy just seemed to flow really easily between the six of us. I really loved it -- even before we went to dinner and Anita and I cuddled, hee (there are these moments when we're not even touching and I just feel this wave of lush calm from being in zir presence -- it's incredible). I think maybe it's that I felt like I could really trust each of them and that each of them were open to connecting with me and the others. And also that I really like each of them and want to know them more so I was very open to them.

It completely blows my mind that there are so many amazing people in my life. Such an abundance of love and acceptance and generosity of spirit! I am incredibly grateful.

I'm in a weird state at the moment. ( new job possibilities, nerves )

Also I'm hanging out with Wade tomorrow and I'm happy and nervous about that. Wade is Rob's housemate -- I've only really talked with zir once but it was a wonderful conversation and we cuddled a bit and that was even more wonderful so I think it'll go well. I feel a little ridiculous opening all these doors when I don't know anything about the direction my life is taking, but intuition says go, so going I am. (and I did ask the universe for as many lovers as I can handle... haha)

The borderpagans meeting tonight consisted of myself, Ben, Green, Anita, Chip, and Christa. Something about that collection of people felt just amazing. I mean, it could have been that I was just high from being around both Ben and Anita but I think it was more than that -- the energy just seemed to flow really easily between the six of us. I really loved it -- even before we went to dinner and Anita and I cuddled, hee (there are these moments when we're not even touching and I just feel this wave of lush calm from being in zir presence -- it's incredible). I think maybe it's that I felt like I could really trust each of them and that each of them were open to connecting with me and the others. And also that I really like each of them and want to know them more so I was very open to them.

It completely blows my mind that there are so many amazing people in my life. Such an abundance of love and acceptance and generosity of spirit! I am incredibly grateful.

(this was friends-locked because I hadn't asked if I could mention zir by name and also because I'm still in the new-and-nerrrrvous stage)

So, the person I dreamed about and then confessed my crush on is Anita *giggles* I don't have any really good photos of zir yet (because I've only taken them at night :-p) but this one is my current favorite (friends-locked for zir semi-anonymity). Ohmygod so damn cute! And I get to kiss that mouth ;-)

I have it really bad, y'all. OH GOD. I'd been crushing on zir pretty much since I met zir (last May I think) but a lot more after zir birthday party in August when we danced together (HOTTT). But first my life was crazy and when it finally settled, ze was wayyy too busy. And plus I was too shy because I had no idea if ze liked me back and because the connection I feel with zir feels very important and massively life-changing to explore and I have a bizarre tendency to put off anything which seems "too amazing."

So anyway! Ze wrote me back and said that ze had had a crush on me toooo (!!!) and then we set a date for Sunday and I was pretty much dying of impatience. Luckily Ash threw an impromptu Beltaine party Friday night and invited Anita and even though ze was exhausted ze joined us :D ( Friday night and Sunday evening! )

( I'm kinda in shock. )

(this was friends-locked because I hadn't asked if I could mention zir by name and also because I'm still in the new-and-nerrrrvous stage)

So, the person I dreamed about and then confessed my crush on is Anita *giggles* I don't have any really good photos of zir yet (because I've only taken them at night :-p) but this one is my current favorite (friends-locked for zir semi-anonymity). Ohmygod so damn cute! And I get to kiss that mouth ;-)

I have it really bad, y'all. OH GOD. I'd been crushing on zir pretty much since I met zir (last May I think) but a lot more after zir birthday party in August when we danced together (HOTTT). But first my life was crazy and when it finally settled, ze was wayyy too busy. And plus I was too shy because I had no idea if ze liked me back and because the connection I feel with zir feels very important and massively life-changing to explore and I have a bizarre tendency to put off anything which seems "too amazing."

So anyway! Ze wrote me back and said that ze had had a crush on me toooo (!!!) and then we set a date for Sunday and I was pretty much dying of impatience. Luckily Ash threw an impromptu Beltaine party Friday night and invited Anita and even though ze was exhausted ze joined us :D ( Friday night and Sunday evening! )

( I'm kinda in shock. )

I just confessed to the person I dream-kissed last night my crazy crush and now I'm sooooooooooo nervous EEEEEEEEEK! AGH! And I did it via facebook so now I have to wait for zir to check zir messages AGH! Oh God/dess I'm so sillymadnessnervvvvvvvvvves ohmygod. *takes a deep breath* can I relax enough to sleep now? oh dear. Someone is playing violin on my nervesssssssss. *buries face in hands, then flails hands about, then clasps them!* ohmygodddddddddddddddddddddd *EXPLODES!*

BUT. Yesterday's topic was on dreamwork and I talked about the elements that make a dream more than a dream and this one had some of those elements and then this showed up today: http://punzel.livejournal.com/246737.html and so maybe it was a SIGN and not just wishfulness. :-/ I think I am going to be jumping nervously at every text until I hear from zir.

*chokes on jitters*

ETA: 30 minutes later I got swept by a wave of calm and I am riding it to sleep, g'night ;-)

I just confessed to the person I dream-kissed last night my crazy crush and now I'm sooooooooooo nervous EEEEEEEEEK! AGH! And I did it via facebook so now I have to wait for zir to check zir messages AGH! Oh God/dess I'm so sillymadnessnervvvvvvvvvves ohmygod. *takes a deep breath* can I relax enough to sleep now? oh dear. Someone is playing violin on my nervesssssssss. *buries face in hands, then flails hands about, then clasps them!* ohmygodddddddddddddddddddddd *EXPLODES!*

BUT. Yesterday's topic was on dreamwork and I talked about the elements that make a dream more than a dream and this one had some of those elements and then this showed up today: http://punzel.livejournal.com/246737.html and so maybe it was a SIGN and not just wishfulness. :-/ I think I am going to be jumping nervously at every text until I hear from zir.

*chokes on jitters*

ETA: 30 minutes later I got swept by a wave of calm and I am riding it to sleep, g'night ;-)

Last night I dreamed that I went over to this-person-I-know's home and ze showed me zir plans for zir sanctuary (I thought it was odd ze was using my term but assumed it was to relate to me), warning me not to get mad. I asked "why would I get mad??" and ze said "because it's a fire hazard." I said "oh" and thought about it for a minute -- was I angry about zir potentially risking zir life? Then I decided that one's spirituality was more important than one's physical safety and said so. Ze started telling me about this conversation ze'd had with some famous person that ze was surprised I didn't know of -- ze was looking through scrap paper to find zir notes from the conversation. We were both laying on our bellies on the floor and when ze started sort of rambling I leaned over and laid my head next to zirs so they were touching. Ze stopped talking and we sort of just rested together for a moment. Then ze pulled zirself up to sitting and said, "I don't know why I'm calling this a haircut, that's misleading -- what I want is to completely shave my head, to be bald." I rolled over on my back to make eye contact and said, "oooh, me too! I'm just not sure when with everything so up in the air." I suddenly realized just how close above me ze was and put my fingers on my mouth to stop me kissing zir, and ze leaned down and kissed me! After that I was NOT shy about kissing zir, running my hands through zir hair and gripping zir neck and listening to zir little moany noises. And then of course I woke up from sheer excitement.

I've had SUCH a crush on this person for a LONG time, ohmygod. And I'd never have expected zir to kiss ME because I don't see zir as being that ... initiatory? but then, after that first moment it was mostly me kissing and zir responding. I want this to be a prophetic dream but I fear it is just a wishful dream :-p Still, what a lovely way to wake up! (ten minutes before my alarm was to go off!)

Last night I dreamed that I went over to this-person-I-know's home and ze showed me zir plans for zir sanctuary (I thought it was odd ze was using my term but assumed it was to relate to me), warning me not to get mad. I asked "why would I get mad??" and ze said "because it's a fire hazard." I said "oh" and thought about it for a minute -- was I angry about zir potentially risking zir life? Then I decided that one's spirituality was more important than one's physical safety and said so. Ze started telling me about this conversation ze'd had with some famous person that ze was surprised I didn't know of -- ze was looking through scrap paper to find zir notes from the conversation. We were both laying on our bellies on the floor and when ze started sort of rambling I leaned over and laid my head next to zirs so they were touching. Ze stopped talking and we sort of just rested together for a moment. Then ze pulled zirself up to sitting and said, "I don't know why I'm calling this a haircut, that's misleading -- what I want is to completely shave my head, to be bald." I rolled over on my back to make eye contact and said, "oooh, me too! I'm just not sure when with everything so up in the air." I suddenly realized just how close above me ze was and put my fingers on my mouth to stop me kissing zir, and ze leaned down and kissed me! After that I was NOT shy about kissing zir, running my hands through zir hair and gripping zir neck and listening to zir little moany noises. And then of course I woke up from sheer excitement.

I've had SUCH a crush on this person for a LONG time, ohmygod. And I'd never have expected zir to kiss ME because I don't see zir as being that ... initiatory? but then, after that first moment it was mostly me kissing and zir responding. I want this to be a prophetic dream but I fear it is just a wishful dream :-p Still, what a lovely way to wake up! (ten minutes before my alarm was to go off!)

Kisses! how I long for more -- why can't I kiss everyone in the world? and oh God/dess, hands. Really, I'm such a hands person. Hands and mouths (because it's mostly the lips but it's also the whole structure, y'know?) but hands first. There've been moments when I've held hands with someone and it felt more intimate than kissing or fucking.

I'm a little baffled at what my mind returns to lately. I'd have expected to pine and mourn and suffer over the Ash & Rob thing but I haven't been. Parts of it just sort of evaporated (can't really explain that because it's not only my story and it's too near) and the bits that are still painful I'm just avoiding the fuck out of. So instead what fills my mind is ( other doomed attractions )

Also if I have to move out of state that means that Ben and I will be on hiatus because ze doesn't do long distance. So that's a little depressing. It already sucks that living this far means I only get time alone with zir once a week. I mean, I'm grateful for that, but I need more intimate-connection-time than that. Not necessarily with the same person, not even necessarily romantic, just more. I need mindful cuddles everyday. I need naked, open conversation at least every other day. And you know? now that I'm thinking on it, if I were to move with the biofamily, I would get cuddles and naked-open-conversation all the time from my lil sis. And right this minute I want that more than anything else. :-(

But but! if I can stay here I can be with Ben and mayyyyyyyybe one of those who have laid claim to my mindspace and who knows what other possibilities? I do have a few leads on jobs (nothing definite yet) and I feel pretty sure I can find a decent place to live if I can find work that would actually pay my bills. And I could go back to school for free. I want that so much. I want THIS. I want here, this is my home.

And the idea of not being in Georgia in summer makes me ache and weep. I love Georgia in summer more than I've ever loved a person and I think more than I ever will love any single person. It's the most unbearable beauty and it breathes and embraces me, I need it. NEED. Please God/dess, please don't make me leave before I've had at least a little of it. I beg you, All-That-Has-Compassion, let me taste true summer.

Kisses! how I long for more -- why can't I kiss everyone in the world? and oh God/dess, hands. Really, I'm such a hands person. Hands and mouths (because it's mostly the lips but it's also the whole structure, y'know?) but hands first. There've been moments when I've held hands with someone and it felt more intimate than kissing or fucking.

I'm a little baffled at what my mind returns to lately. I'd have expected to pine and mourn and suffer over the Ash & Rob thing but I haven't been. Parts of it just sort of evaporated (can't really explain that because it's not only my story and it's too near) and the bits that are still painful I'm just avoiding the fuck out of. So instead what fills my mind is ( other doomed attractions )

Also if I have to move out of state that means that Ben and I will be on hiatus because ze doesn't do long distance. So that's a little depressing. It already sucks that living this far means I only get time alone with zir once a week. I mean, I'm grateful for that, but I need more intimate-connection-time than that. Not necessarily with the same person, not even necessarily romantic, just more. I need mindful cuddles everyday. I need naked, open conversation at least every other day. And you know? now that I'm thinking on it, if I were to move with the biofamily, I would get cuddles and naked-open-conversation all the time from my lil sis. And right this minute I want that more than anything else. :-(

But but! if I can stay here I can be with Ben and mayyyyyyyybe one of those who have laid claim to my mindspace and who knows what other possibilities? I do have a few leads on jobs (nothing definite yet) and I feel pretty sure I can find a decent place to live if I can find work that would actually pay my bills. And I could go back to school for free. I want that so much. I want THIS. I want here, this is my home.

And the idea of not being in Georgia in summer makes me ache and weep. I love Georgia in summer more than I've ever loved a person and I think more than I ever will love any single person. It's the most unbearable beauty and it breathes and embraces me, I need it. NEED. Please God/dess, please don't make me leave before I've had at least a little of it. I beg you, All-That-Has-Compassion, let me taste true summer.

There's this one person I know that I'm pretty unbearably attracted to, omfg. I've never felt such a strong physical attraction to someone. It's like an ethereal connection (spirit, soul, heart) in strength and meaning, but it's a body connection. We thrive on touch in similar ways. and oh God/dess, last time I saw zir we ended up alone by accident (two people went off to the bathroom) and I thought "oh shit, I meant to avoid this!" and then ze made eye contact with me and I could feel the pull like a magnet. I looked away in a hurry just as ze asked "what are you thinking?" and I shook my head and said, "I just had a thought that I'm not going to share." Because what went through my mind (in VIVID pictures) was a very visceral desire to climb on top of zir and kiss and fuck (or at least dry hump), right then and there. (and if ze were single I could see zir going right along with that) WHY must I feel this way about a MONOGAMOUS person, dammit! And I wonder if I'd feel this so strongly if ze WERE available, or if part of it is the 'safety' of passion that cannot burn freely through me. (if that is part of it I imagine it's a small part, because I'm pretty fiercely attracted to Ben and there's not much limitation there)

And to change the topic to actually-available interesting people, ( I had my first date-with-a-stranger last week )

There's this one person I know that I'm pretty unbearably attracted to, omfg. I've never felt such a strong physical attraction to someone. It's like an ethereal connection (spirit, soul, heart) in strength and meaning, but it's a body connection. We thrive on touch in similar ways. and oh God/dess, last time I saw zir we ended up alone by accident (two people went off to the bathroom) and I thought "oh shit, I meant to avoid this!" and then ze made eye contact with me and I could feel the pull like a magnet. I looked away in a hurry just as ze asked "what are you thinking?" and I shook my head and said, "I just had a thought that I'm not going to share." Because what went through my mind (in VIVID pictures) was a very visceral desire to climb on top of zir and kiss and fuck (or at least dry hump), right then and there. (and if ze were single I could see zir going right along with that) WHY must I feel this way about a MONOGAMOUS person, dammit! And I wonder if I'd feel this so strongly if ze WERE available, or if part of it is the 'safety' of passion that cannot burn freely through me. (if that is part of it I imagine it's a small part, because I'm pretty fiercely attracted to Ben and there's not much limitation there)

And to change the topic to actually-available interesting people, ( I had my first date-with-a-stranger last week )

Lately every time I'm not actively thinking, the question "what do you need?" pulses through me SO LOUDLY that half the time I almost say it out loud and I always try to answer it. But I don't really know the answer maybe, or (this just occurred to me) it could be a question from outside of me, asking me to ASK for what I need. Which is something I've been telling myself to do for the past week or two ("you know how to get what you want, write an affirmation and say it!") and still haven't done. Because I still don't really know. I know what I crave but I don't know if the craving is a need or a cover for the real need.

I need more touch, I need more connection, I need more focus, I need more passion, I need more sex. I need to burn burn burn, I need to release my fierceness in a constructive way. I don't know what I need. I need, I NEED. I feel like digging my fingers into my chest and ripping the suit called my body off to go free.

Have I been turned down, tuned out to myself, muted? I remember this fire now, but I'd forgotten it. I thought that it was transmuted into something 'better,' something more holy and useful and mature. I thought I'd outgrown it. I thought it was the product of anger. Now I realize it is the force of my self when I run free. I've forgotten how! If I ever knew, if there was ever a time when neither I nor anyone else tried to put me in safe boundaries and make me useful. God/dess! Who is this person? How do I shift into living this fire instead of staring at it, sure that if I do live it, I'll start scaring people again? Even though that seems a fair trade.

And this fire seems to have ignited my sex drive -- I have not been this lusty EVER IN MY LIFE. ( It's kinda driving me mad. )

Lately every time I'm not actively thinking, the question "what do you need?" pulses through me SO LOUDLY that half the time I almost say it out loud and I always try to answer it. But I don't really know the answer maybe, or (this just occurred to me) it could be a question from outside of me, asking me to ASK for what I need. Which is something I've been telling myself to do for the past week or two ("you know how to get what you want, write an affirmation and say it!") and still haven't done. Because I still don't really know. I know what I crave but I don't know if the craving is a need or a cover for the real need.

I need more touch, I need more connection, I need more focus, I need more passion, I need more sex. I need to burn burn burn, I need to release my fierceness in a constructive way. I don't know what I need. I need, I NEED. I feel like digging my fingers into my chest and ripping the suit called my body off to go free.

Have I been turned down, tuned out to myself, muted? I remember this fire now, but I'd forgotten it. I thought that it was transmuted into something 'better,' something more holy and useful and mature. I thought I'd outgrown it. I thought it was the product of anger. Now I realize it is the force of my self when I run free. I've forgotten how! If I ever knew, if there was ever a time when neither I nor anyone else tried to put me in safe boundaries and make me useful. God/dess! Who is this person? How do I shift into living this fire instead of staring at it, sure that if I do live it, I'll start scaring people again? Even though that seems a fair trade.

And this fire seems to have ignited my sex drive -- I have not been this lusty EVER IN MY LIFE. ( It's kinda driving me mad. )