2015

"Shriek"

An abstract fractal in christmas green, coral orange, and bright rose red with accents of fuchsia, peach, and capri blue on a black background. At the top in the center is what looks like a snarling cat or hissing cobra, in profile facing left. Just underneath is another could-be face, this one like a dog, facing right and sniffing the 'air' of colored light, which you can see swirling into the dog's nose. In front of the dog's face is a bowing-out bubble of swirling blurry colors. Above that bubble behind the cat/cobra's head is a fragmented reflection that could be of the cat/cobra or the dog or both. In front of the cat/cobra's face is a misshapen cone of green light, with some flecks of other colors: it looks as if the cat/cobra is exhaling this and it is pouring down over the back of the dog's head. Neither creature has a body.

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January
1-4 -- visiting biofam: racism, discussing sexual abuse history, misgendering, prompting family to grow
2 -- visiting Anika: having deep talks w Anika & energy work
* Unethical behavior: loopholes out of agreements, poking people's sore spots *
4 -- ritual for Nuit and Renenutet, Topaz keeps me company
7 -- I make a friending meme
-- trying to develop closeness with Anika
11 -- have a somewhat-disastrous crafty party where a new attendee says things that are very problematic and hurtful to Allison
17 -- I decide to require require gender-neutral pronouns in reference to me
18 -- ritual with LilyWolf for connections
24 -- met up with Cass and had our first meaningful one-on-one conversation
* 5-step educate or eliminate / when I realize I'm wrong / reducing privilege effects *
-- hung out with Heather at least once a week

February
2 -- Kei-won-tia has a major crisis, I find out through Abby, try to get in touch w KWT but can't.
4 -- meet Jezza for one-on-one conversation
6 -- have a great birthday night with Topaz, Kylei, Sydney, Heather, and Lilywolf; Allison, Nick, and Hannah drop in. I set up a photo-booth of sorts with weird colorful lighting and take some photos of people.
7 -- went to Heritage Park with Sydney & Topaz
9 -- met Kayla for dinner and conversation
* forms of intimacy and societal assumptions made: there is no highest form of intimacy *
11 -- my grandmother is in the hospital; I see my aunt and cousins for the first time in years
12 -- have intense conversation w Anika and Kei-won-tia about openness and intimacy and assumptions
* overwhelmed and ineffectual / cowardly and shit at making friends *
14 -- I get up in front of a huge number of people and speak a short poem about trans erasure.
** the intersection of openness, intimacy, and privacy as it relates to me **
20-24 -- Topaz and I go to the last Xenacon, which is worth it but emotionally very difficult because I can't bring myself to talk to anyone and I'm allergic to the air.
27 -- Heather casts runes for me on my next romantic relationship: I get 'wait wait wait'
28 -- art swap at Jezza's: my sorta-kinda first show of my fractals.
-- conflict with Kei-won-tia continues throughout the month, ends in them telling me they need to be able to lie to their friends.

March
7 -- I experience my first kirtan, with Heather.
* helping people figure out their desires without taking responsibility for their self-awareness *
11 -- march for Anthony Hill (with Jaime & Lilywolf)
13 -- meet Lisa in person for the first time! we hang out for the day.
15 -- mostly-online crafty party with Topaz, Jaime, Paige, Heather, Leah, Anika, Jezza, and Lilywolf.
** what nourishes me in friendship: self-care/growth/awareness, shared passion/enthusiasm, creating together, spiritual working together, asking me meaningful specific questions, cuddles/focused touch, gifts of effort **
28 -- Anika visits, Topaz and I take them to the Cherry Blossom Festival
** PSA: use of ableist slurs will cause me to unfriend you **
31 -- I pick up Anika from KWT's and take them to Big Trees and to my favorite metaphysical shop

April
2 -- do magic ritual with Anika, Topaz picks us up after
3 -- drinking and playing red dragon inn w Anika, Heather, Topaz, Kylei.
4-5 -- KWT is supposed to spend time w Anika but doesn't... lots of complex shit between Anika and KWT. KWT is supposed to take them to the airport but I do it instead.
9 -- crafty party: Lily & Fey & Alisha in-person, Anika & Paige & Allison online
** slurs are still very harmful when they are aimed at a situation/action/thing instead of a person **
** emotional/artistic work is still work / types of cuddles: giving, receiving, sharing, passive **
** essential qualities to be a good cuddler: good at consent, emotionally present & aware, not in need **
-- school stress
-- made a set of reflection beads
-- applied to be a professional cuddler: they wanted to exploit their workers, no thanks.

May
-- exhausted
4 -- sweet nourishing time w Kylei
* my eating habits: what I don't eat at all, what I generally avoid, favorite meals & ingredients *
* realization: I need group intimacy as well as one-on-one *
13 -- meet Rachel in Atlanta for lunch
15 -- sleepover w Odd Squad and truth-or-truth w Nicky & Aubrey via ghangouts
17 -- first zikr w Kaleemi Khanqah Atlanta
20 -- start work at my uni
* 4 levels of friendship: fun, support, learning, mutual accountability *
26 -- truth-or-truth gchat w Aubrey, Vola, Elizabeth, Jaime
** on the 'rudeness' of canceling/lateness caused by chronic pain/fatigue/anxiety/depression and/or ADD **
** energy work: 1st efforts, shielding / a funnel not a source / avoiding manipulation **

June
-- stressssssss
1 -- TransParence gather at my house: Jaime, Jazz, Jude, Hope, Serah, Allison, Michelle
4-10 -- Elizabeth visits! we do alllllll the things
5 -- shopping & Kirtan at SEWA w Elizabeth
6 -- Etowah Mounds w Elizabeth & Jaime, then chill game night w Elizabeth, Heather, Jaime, Topaz, Allison, Jonathan
7 -- Big Trees w Elizabeth & Topaz, then Cracker Barrel for dinner & Breakfast on Pluto with dessert.
8 -- to Margaret Mitchell house and Marietta square with Elizabeth.
9 -- to carlos museum then revolution doughnuts with Elizabeth, then Topaz makes us dinner.
10 -- take Elizabeth to airport.
13 -- intense videochat w Anika about the lack of balanced investment in our relationship
-- scattered ???
** why I identify as demisexual / what makes sex worth the effort / sexual vs sensual touch / kissing **

July
-- very stressed, can't seem to do much
-- Heather is out of town the whole month
12 -- host cuddly communion #1 w Serah, Alison, Hope, Evelyn, Cass, Heather D, and Joey.
-- elsewise, nothing but work & rest & topaz & writing
** rant: friendships are important / my levels of relationship for everyone **
* what makes me fall in love & how it feels when I am in love *
*** on saving kids from 'broken hearts' & teaching kids about consent / red flags for bad-at-consent ***
* on changing the amount of fat on your body: cortisol, blood sugar, stress, food as fat/carb/protein *
** 4 elements needed for me to feel sexual attraction: consent, bodily respect, awareness, generosity **
* depression is not a cramp, it's a broken bone: a 'mild' situation has intense effects when depressed *

August
* Open letter to self-proclaimed reasonable white dudes *
13 -- see Arizona, we have very connected time
16 -- host an OPALS meeting which is just me and Johan, also have an amazing talk w Evelyn at Cool Beans
20 -- emotionally falling apart
* too many variations to out myself in a sentence / wordweaving & thought remodeling are central to me *
23-29 -- time at the beach w biofam
30 -- OPALS meeting w me, Saleena, Alison, and Serah

September
-- dealing with name change paperwork, lots of trips to courthouse and notary
-- exhausted and overwhelmed, lonely
-- topaz' family has health troubles
-- run out of hope for being close friends with Evelyn
* lonely in any crowd / spirit-to-spirit contact / conflict is a tool of intimacy *
23 -- feeling terribly unwanted
27 -- OPALS meeting w just me & Garnet
-- make chant booklet for my reflection beads

October
1 -- worst I felt in a year, unwanted, useless
15 -- present about appropriation at Sex Down South, no energy to go the other days
* how I manage my neuro-atypicality in relation to others *
31 -- walked Springer Mountain w Topaz, then had a bonfire at their place w Topaz, Heather, Brian, Cass, Kelsey, and Elliott
-- spending more time w Topaz' family
-- reading The History of White People

November
** an analogy to explain why the privileged are responsible for ending oppression: the racist babysitter **
*** after learning more about microbes, I no longer believe in an afterlife ***
** people demonize spanking because of classism / how corporeal punishment damaged me **
** trust: what builds it and what burns it, for me **
* the art of hugs *
** if you mourn only for the deaths of white people, your empathy is broken. and racist. **
16 -- cry for hours
17 -- see bell hooks & gloria stienem
19-22 TBC w Topaz
27 -- name change denied
-- investing more in getting to know Cass

December
-- loads of work on final papers, getting minors made official, getting my name sorted
* 5 qualities needed to practice polyamory: awareness, norm-breaking, security, energy, connection *
6 -- great connected time w Cass
15 -- graduation
** my ADD-PI: stimming and prosopagnosia (difficulty recognising faces) **
* creating your own moral code: a ritual for finding your core values & strengthening focus on them *
* ritual tool: reflection beads for my core values, desires, gratitudes, people, deities, & nature kin *
19 -- Solstice gather! Kat, Summer, Abby, Topaz, Kylei, Heather, Sydney, Jaime, Allison, & Jonathan came and Cass vidchatted in due to being sick
22 -- Arizona visited with me for a little while at my house
23 -- breakup w Anika
24 -- Gabe reveals their transphobia
25 -- Xmas at Topaz' family, exhausting, realize how much worse my family is
26 -- time w Abby in the morning, walking in nature and then cuddling at my house, then intense time w Abby & Topaz at Topaz'
27 -- breakfast, coffee, cuddles w Topaz & Abby
28 -- terrible crash of a morning, bad for Abby, bad for me, bad for Topaz. endless crying.
29 -- awful day, more endless crying. reach out to Allison for the first time, feel glad that that feels okay to do.
** prosopagnosia and memory as it relates to taking photos and believing in love **
30 -- recovering some
31 -- connected time w topaz



2015 started off in an intense but growthful way for me, as I had my first ever real conversation with my biosib S, visited Anika and had deep talks with them. I also did a ritual for deities (something I had never done before), and another ritual for connection, connected in new ways with Allison and Cass, and spent a lot of time with Heather. Then Kei-won-tia had a major crisis and I was very worried about them but didn't really get to talk to them until two weeks later. They got very upset with me for talking about my worries to Heather, and there was a whole huge mess which finally ended when they said that they need to be able to lie to their friends. During the same month as the KWT conflict, I had a bunch of other really intense experiences -- Xenacon, my first art show (sorta), speaking about trans erasure in front of loads of people, gma in hospital, interacting with family I hadn't seen in years.

March was more nourishing and less draining, with my first kirtan, my first protest march, and my first time taking Anika to Big Trees. April turned sour with a huge conflict between KWT and Anika, and otherwise intense school stress. In May I had some good connected time with friends and experienced my first zikr, but overall I was exhausted. Lilywolf moved out which was sad and relieving and stressful, and I started working at my university as a student assistant. June started out with a bang, a trans-connection party followed by a wonderful visit from Elizabeth (which included my first visit to a Sikh service), and then became scattered and lost under stress, mostly shared/reflected stress from how awful Topaz' job is, I think. In July I hosted a 'cuddly communion' which was wonderful but otherwise that entire month was empty of nourishment. In August I had some connected times with friends, and spent 6 days with my biofamily which is both good and exhausting; August marked the first of monthly breakdowns, though I don't notice this pattern until later. In September Topaz' family started having health troubles, and I dealt with the laborious process of applying to change my name.

October I felt the worst I have felt in a year, managed to present at Sex Down South but felt so socially anxious I couldn't talk to anyone and couldn't participate in the conference; I went home crying. I started spending more time with Topaz' family (which is nourishing in some ways but a lot of added stress) because they all seemed to be feeling the need for more company with each other due to the health worries. I started actively building a friendship with Cass around this time. In November I was massively stressed and overwhelmed, but seeing bell hooks and getting to attend TBC gave me enough energy that I was able to give three talks and speak on a panel, and handle some very difficult emotional conversations and realizations with Topaz. But November ended with me finding out that my name change was denied, which is massively crushing. December started with me finishing my 2 huge final papers and giving a presentation for school, doing a shitton of paperwork and hoop-jumping to get my minors made official and my name read correctly at the ceremony, then finally graduating (where my biofamily mostly flaked out and I realized that my dad was planning for a graduation present for my cousin but didn't even congratulate me). I only had three days to recover before Solstice, which was the best ever though hugely energy-consuming. Then I had an intense conflict with Cass, then Arizona visited me briefly which made me miss them a lot, then Anika broke up our friendship by attacking me, then Gabe (my emotionally-adopted little brother) revealed that they're transphobic by choice not by ignorance, then I spent Xmas with Topaz' family which made me realize how bad my biofamily is, then I spent an intense morning with Abby and an intense evening with Abby and Topaz, and finally I had a massive terrible crash that negatively affected both Abby and Topaz and lasted almost through the end of the year. Honestly, reading over December I'm amazed that I made it through without falling apart much more. That was so much, way too much.

Looking back over this, I feel like losing KWT set off a sharp increase in my social anxiety because when we initially became friends, it was built on mutually valuing intimacy and openness -- I actually felt that KWT was better at being open than I was, that they were more willing to take risks in sharing. To have them do such a complete turnaround and say that they value lies in friendship and they want to control who knows what about them was so shocking and confusing that it made me feel like I can't know people, I can't believe them, and I can't find ones that I can genuinely connect with. A similar thing happened with Anika -- I can’t explain because it would be a breach of their privacy but even though it wasn’t the same on the surface, it felt very VERY similar. That followed by the OPALS meetings falling by the wayside and getting very hopeful about a new friend only to have that vanish -- by the time I got through September I was feeling so deeply sad about friendships that despite my repressing, I was having at least one multi-hour crying jag a month about it.

So overall, 2015 brought me a huge increase in social anxiety although the relationships that I currently have are mostly at all-time highs and are overall very nourishing. I think I learned a lot through my black feminisms class in the spring, my internship, my whiteness class in the fall, and TBC, and I made a lot of progress in designing my spiritual practice, but I feel like my interpersonal life stalled out in most ways, and I lost myself as far as my social self goes. This year I will regain my social self.

This is a thing I shared in the TBC facebook group.

I'm a bit scared to do this, but it is important, so here goes. I'm going to talk about why TBC is important as a safe space for me, and also the qualities that make it an unsafe space for me.

First, TBC is the closest thing I have ever experienced to being fully understood, respected, and appreciated. In all other spaces except my own home, I am forcibly assigned gender and covered in a layer of assumptions, and almost every conversation I have is fending off one awful idea or another. TBC is damn-near sacred to me. But that doesn't mean it is perfect.

Ways that TBC is a safe space for me (please keep in mind that this is just my experience and others may have had very different ones):

-No one assumes gender. I am asked about my pronouns, and people know what they mean and respect them.

-No one polices gender. I am not asked invasive questions about transition or presentation. I am not looked at as not-belonging because I appear cis and femme.

-No one states sexist stereotypes as if they are fact (at least they didn't in my perception). I don't feel I have to do the endless resistance of that that I do everywhere else.

-No one assumes sexuality: this year at least I didn't feel people assumed I was allosexual or any particular orientation.

-No one assumes relational style: I didn't feel that anyone assumed that I or people in general were monogamous or non-monogamous.

-No one shows fatphobia. I didn't feel like there was a general expectation of thinness, or an expectation that if one is fat one must be high femme. I didn't catch any negative reactions to my body size.

-No one assumes neurotypicality. I didn't feel like I had to try to appear 'normal' in my thinking, and when I got stuck or lost my train of thought (or when others did) there was no response of impatience or shame. I felt safe knowing that if I needed to escape people, no one would think I was rude, and there was a place to go. I almost cried when I saw the shape/color cards prepared for people to flag how social/interactive they were feeling.

-No one assumes all people have the same access needs. I felt safely confident that if my friend needed to wear sunglasses to deal with a migraine or other issue, that no one would treat that as weird or ask tiresome questions. For most of the conference I felt safe that if I needed to have something repeated or slowed down so that I could parse it out and hear it, that would happen, and I felt safe that there would be no overwhelming loudness (the one time I did not feel safe in this way was from someone yelling into a mic for comedic effect).

-No one assumes everyone has money. I so very much appreciate the low price of TBC (less than 1/3rd what most gender/progressive conferences charge) and the fact that they are dedicated to maintaining a scholarship fund for those who can't afford that. I think it could be even better if part of the scholarship fund went to one or two hotel rooms which scholarship fund folk could use. I know that for me, if I didn't have help I could not go even if it was free, because of the cost of travel and board.

However, ( there were ways in which TBC made me feel unsafe )

TBC started with an intense session, the "Being That Person" workshop. I think it was the most intense it has been, because there was one person who immediately called out the racism that permeates many queer events. I wanted to discuss it directly but felt like I couldn't just jump in, I couldn't think of what to say. Fortunately we kind of talked our way around it and into it some. I think that the white liberal bullshit might be worse in the north, generally speaking, but that might be because the only non-writing activism I do is with Black-led organizations (sounds really obvious now). I think class plays into it a lot too, as the person who brought it up referred to people having never been poor. We all talked about elitism, self-care strategies, how people perceive us and how that affects our effectiveness, how oppressions are not flat or solid (for instance gay people can be oppressive to bi/pan people), how everyone has work to do.

I think I need to stop using the word racist because I use it very sloppily to mean 'actively states white supremacist views (that they may not realize are supremacist)' as well as 'has subconscious oppressive behaviors to work on' and I am the latter and will always be to some extent but not the former. And those are very very different things, so I need to be specific.

Next, I presented a talk and workshop about intimacy and intimacy practice. It went really well, and I felt like it was better than before because I had more depth of understanding. I included more examples, like the kind of small resentment that is good to share so it doesn't become a big resentment and also so that it can be a way to be vulnerable. Then we had a little mini-IP (every single person opted in!), starting with a bit of silly play. I had to push myself VERY hard to be the first to be silly, all alone, in a room of 15 people while everyone else stared at me! But hey, it was certainly very good practice at vulnerability, and people participated well on the second go. Then we played truth-or-truth (I was super annoyed with myself for forgetting the question list) and most people asked very good questions! I was happy and impressed, and I could feel the web of connection coalesce. I felt closer to several people after they spoke. I was too frazzled to be any good at talking to people after but there are at least 4 who I'd like to hang out with.

Also, I took a pause to mention that I felt the urge to finger-snap my agreement and wanted to explain that it meant 'I feel ya' and tikva said they were glad I explained because sometimes people do that to mean 'hurry up' and I was aghast and relieved that I explained first because that would have been the opposite of my intent. Glad to have not made that cultural fail! I did make a mistake in talking about eye contact - I remembered that not all brain-types can get good from it, but I completely forgot that blind or low-vision people probably won't get any good from it either. *embarrassment*

Next Topaz and I went to a talk on polyamory for beginners. I was mostly curious as to how someone gives an intro on polyamory because I don't know how I would do it. It was a dense talk with a lot of information (most of which I had heard before as someone who has been practicing poly for more than 6 years now) but it covered the basics and went into the most important (in my mind) parts which are: don't compare external facts, just check to see if your own needs are met and boundaries are respected; avoid rules in general and don't make rules that have to do with feelings ("you can fuck people but not fall in love") or rules for anyone else's relationships; when you feel bad or an urge to control, use this as a sign that there is an unmet need and try to figure out what that is. The discussion of needs was one I already knew, but it sparked a whole huge realization about my needs and reactions, which I will put in a locked post.

Later Topaz and I went to the pool party for a little while but I had started menstruating so I didn't get in. I walked around the pool as Topaz swam along and we introduced ourselves to people. We didn't really get into conversation with anyone (except I talked with someone I already knew from last TBC), but I was glad to break down the fear a little bit by doing that.

Saturday started off with a SUPER INTENSE discussion as I lead my talk "Disowning Your Forefathers: Examining the Intersection of Spirituality & Privilege." It was a world of difference from the last time I did it -- I felt some resistance from a few people but most really engaged with the ideas and seemed to be there for growth and understanding. I felt like it was more of an actual discussion (whereas last time when I paused and asked questions, people just looked at me and waited for the answers). I really wish I wasn't the one to do this talk, or that I had more understanding, because I feel out of my depth -- but I feel like it is doing good, at the very least at getting people to consider the source and the effects of their actions. At the end of this I really liked at least three of the people but had forgotten my cards and couldn't bring myself to just ask for an exchange of contact info -- this made me very sad but I thought, I can do it later, it will be okay.

Then I was part of a panel about asexuality, bringing in a demisexual perspective. One of the panelists left shortly after the start, and I couldn't quite hear what it was they said to me, so I worried that I had been rude in my thoughtlessness. I moved a chair from the front so that their wheelchair could fit, without asking (without thinking), and they had to say that it was moved from the wrong side (so I moved the other one instead). I don't know if that was rude. I didn't even stop to think, and I don't know them so I can't apologize for acting on their behalf without asking. Anyway, the panel itself was good, we talked about dating as an asexual or demisexual, about when we disclose and how the expectation is on asexuals to disclose rather than on allosexuals to state their expectation that a romantic relationship involves sex. We talked about the structure of relationships and the danger of not disclosing right away versus the cost of disclosing right away (blocking out people who might be scared off by a stranger but might be willing to learn about someone they already know). It was a fairly easy flow and people asked very good questions!

Then was the shared lunch followed by Faith Cheltenham's keynote speech. Here are my takeaways from that, in tweet format:

we need to support each other to live and succeed in a world that isolates us -Faith Cheltenham
"I didn't know you could be queer and bisexual... I didn't know that labels could go together!" - Faith
when someone opens an opportunity for you, consider how you can keep that door open for the next person - Faith
42% of bisexual women report being raped. More than 60% endure domestic violence. 50% have dealt with suicidal ideation. -faith
in 2010 bisexual was put on google's block list https://t.co/et6n2LaZjx
one of the benefits of being bi is the opportunity to restructure relationships so that we don't repeat cycles of violence. -Faith
"they marched on us and we marched on them. Sometimes you just gotta protest... Letting them hear your voice can educate them"
justice is needed within LGBT - the discrepancies in funds between LG and BT is massive.

Also, I realized that yet another amazing activist who made my life better was black. Faith referred to a black trans man (I can't remember the name) who had been doing work for trans folk for decades. I really want to learn more about this person but a google search gave me nothing.

Next I went to "Preemptive Radical Inclusion: Everyone is Always in the Room" by Cindy Beal, and it blew my mind and made me cry. I felt such a sense of hope that someone else was taking language and accessibility so seriously, and presenting it in such an easy-to-understand way. Here are my tweet-notes from that:

"what does it feel like to enter a space and have your needs met?" the greatest relief... It's a daily battle to exist
when we join a space that is not inclusive, what does it look like to be inclusive? Take action, ask questions, offer warning
when a space is made larger, it must be redesigned by the whole group in order to be inclusive.
first-borns and white people especially have to watch out for a tendency to speak for others
"we have to remember that we are not at the center... The ways that we are privileged limit our ability to perceive what is real."
we need to recognize our privilege, authority, responsibility, and figure out what is ours and what is ours to support.
support is not 'this is how you should do it' but 'how can I help?'
inclusion: treat others' needs as normal; trust what people state as their needs; acknowledge & validate conflicting experiences.
inclusion: don't bring problems into a space; assume everyone is always in the room; plan for people ahead of time.

Then I went to the disability panel moderated by tikva, which was amazing of course. My tweet-notes from that:

"we're pathologized or we're nothing" -Raycho on the medical approach to disability
autistic adults are influenced away from seeking an official diagnosis because so recently, people have been imprisoned for autism.
there is a generational stigma about the word "disability" -- the aging and disability communities need to connect, share learning.
being othered can make it easier to come out or make it much harder -'already weird, oh well' or 'they can't take more difference.'
most people want to be their full selves all the time but one has to compare losses - decide, is it worth it?
on stigma toward dementia or DID - "not having full control of your mind is something you don't want anyone to know"
"people with disabilities are constantly scrutinized for faking"
on 'differently abled' "I can't fly, honey" and 'handicapable' "I will end you" I love Raycho.
some are against person-first language: people are disabled by inaccessible environments.
"assume nothing and ask" and self-educate about disability, find what disabled people say about themselves (often easy online).

Then I hosted a mini-IP in a room that wasn't being used (because several people had expressed that they were sorry to miss my intimacy talk), and had three people participate with me. It was a pretty intense session, and I felt like it really connected with everyone. At the same time, I realized right before that it was too much to lead another session after doing a talk and panel already and a talk yesterday too. I made it through and it was worth it but I was wiped out. I went up to the room with Abby and Topaz and we hung out and talked for a while (I gave them both hair pets, first Topaz then Abby), and then we went to dinner.

We tried going to the comedy show, thinking that it would be safe from slurs and problematic stuff, but it wasn't, which was very disappointing. *deep frown* Topaz had been so excited, too. Later we went to the dance, and we both danced a little. I had a great time except I got super overheated, and Topaz wanted different music. I had planned to give my info to some people there but most of them weren't there and I couldn't get up the guts before the ones I wanted to share with left. ARGHHH.

Sunday Abby and I got up super early to go to "Questioning Gender, Questioning Faith: Spiritual Resources to Explore Identity" by Andrew Leigh Amanda LeAnn Bullard, and it was worth getting up early for. The tool offered is something I can imagine myself using to understand a variety of sacred texts more deeply. Afterward the three of us packed up and checked out, realized we'd have to leave mid-panel if we stayed for the next set, and then went to lunch before going to the airport. On our way out I felt deeply crushed that I hadn't managed to give out my contact info to literally anyone, and realized I could go back up and put my cards on the info table which would be SOMETHING but I didn't. I think I felt too fatalistic, as people almost never use them to actually find me, I have to find them.

There's more but I'm typed out.

Last night I brought up the idea to Topaz of having our parents meet and ze seemed hesitant about it. This upset me because it brought up feelings of invalidation. If we were engaged and one of us was assigned male, our parents would want to meet and expect to build a relationship because of the assumption that the kin of kin is important. But the fact is that because we won't be getting married and our commitment is to long-term friendship not romance and cohabitation, zir parents probably just don't see me as family (not to the level of their other kids' partners). And because ze's not male, my parents probably don't want anything to do with us as a couple much less kin-once-removed. I hate this so much. My relationships are more meaningful than most, because they're based on honesty, openness, constant respect, learning, compassion, and growth, yet I don't get treated as if they're even valid.  I shouldn't have to do them the same way as everyone else. And I HATE that friendship is so devalued. Sure, most friendships are not committed and intense, but when they are they should be given the same treatment as if they were romantic. A best friend should be treated like a spouse. If you consider me kin, you should invest in MY kin.

And that also got me thinking about the fact that my biofamily does not want to know me: they just want to see the parts of me that conform to their desires. They never wanted to know me: even when I was a child, the only thing they wanted to know about my life was if I was obeying and if I was performing in 'successful' ways (grades, scores). Now they've stopped trying to make me obey but those two things are still all they care about. I haven't said this to them and I feel I need to, but I can't do it in person because I will just cry, so I have to write a letter.

I have only felt like I belonged in some moments when I lived with the Wynnes (and I feel sure they wouldn't want me now because I was so much more normative then), and when I go to TBC. I have never felt belonging with biofamily because they never cared about who I really was. I yearned so much to belong with my ex-in-laws but I was never more than an accessory, first to Rebecca and then to Ben, nonexistent after divorce. I wanted to belong with Serendipity but there were expectations I couldn't meet and values I couldn't resonate with. I wanted to feel at home with burners but there are so many privilege-denying people in that world that it's super hostile and alienating to me. Ditto to every organized spiritual group I've known. I wanted to feel at home with queers but they're so fuckin urban-cliquey.  I feel at home with the people I draw to me but it is not belonging because it is not a unit: if I stopped holding it together it would cease to exist. I still ache to belong. I want to feel safe and kin in a circle that lives on its own because everyone in it maintains it. I feel I will never experience that and it hurts worse than any breakup.

I went to a gathering called "birds of a feather: artists and crafters" which was really great because it made me feel validated in my art/craftwork somehow, I think because people had such varied things that they referred to as their art or craft and I realized that oh yeah, I actually spend a lot of time and energy on art. I'm not sure if I've explained it before, but I host crafty parties at my house at least once a month, where I invite lots of people to come and use my materials (or bring their own if they prefer) and create. I come up with a theme to help get people's creative thoughts flowing, and sometimes lead "how tos" for projects I want to do if others want to do them too. This is a really important part of my life, because I feel very deeply that everyone is creative: some people just haven't found their medium yet. And if you aren't sure if you're going to make something you like, it can feel like a waste to buy materials for it: this way people get to try things out that they might otherwise not do. I started doing this because I find it much easier to motivate to do art with other people being creative around me, I find it easier to use materials if I know they are shared (if they're just mine I get fretful about 'wasting' them), and I wanted to encourage people to create. I continue doing it for all those reasons, but it has become vital to me because it has changed the way I look at life. I used to see a problem and think "oh it would be nice if there was an item to fix that" and now I create something instead. I used to look at an art project and think "oh that's cool" and now I actually try doing it myself. Crafty parties have given me the skill of changing my world. Before crafty parties I had painted a little bit, drawn a little bit, sculpted a little bit. Now I've made cupholders for my car, a plant stand, a mixed media art piece, a lamp (which is not finished yet but will be awesome), wall scrolls, suncatchers, art tins, tiny sculptures, a jacket for my coffeecup (which needs a redesign), tie-dyed clothes and a hat, paintings that I actually REALLY like, a wax drip painting, large wearable wings, woodburning, and I've started on a room divider made out of cd cases (that got stalled because I need a better glue) -- there's probably other stuff I'm forgetting, too. And others have made so many interesting things! So the "artists and crafters" talk made me realize how important that is to me and how positively it has changed my life.

Next was the opening ritual which I really liked. The person leading had us gather in a circle and hold hands (if we wanted: the relevant bit was the circle) and then say things that we had overcome in order to be there. It was pretty powerful and after thinking about it I said "fear that the magic would be gone" and the person next to me squeezed my hand, others murmured in agreement, and I felt understanding reach out to me. Then we were told to break up into small groups and tell people what we hope to get out of the conference, which made me realize I had no idea. The conference snuck up on me this year, and I didn't mentally prepare. I felt a bit adrift, but also completely open to whatever.

The second workshop I attended was one called "what about the men?" and I only went because it was lead by one of the people in the disability panel and they explained it (including that the title was a joke) at the end of that panel. It was about the perceptions of men with regards to masculinity and femininity, discussing the queer norms. My biggest takeaway from that one was that queer policing is regional; apparently up north the queerest ones are the cis women, and femme men are rejected and devalued; in the south the queerest ones are the femme men. It was interesting to realize that I had been universalizing my understanding of queer culture. Though I'm still pretty sure that there isn't anywhere where I would be the queerest. I always feel like I have to aggressively out myself in order to be understood as queer, because femme+female appearing is read as gender conforming and straight-acting. The talk actually was a little true to its title, but it created some great conversation, and I think challenging the white-cis-female exclusivity of the queer culture in the north is important work. But it desperately needs to be about POC and trans women as much as it is about men, because they are excluded at least as much.

Next I went to "writing for our lives" which was a workshop by arjuna greist on writing poetry. I went to this without really planning to, partly because Adi was going, not expecting to get anything out of it. I was blown away! Arjuna talked about how as activists we want to write about things that matter to us like racism, sexism, etc, but that people take it in better if it's written as a story. Ze quoted "an editorial in rhyme is not a song." Then we were given an exercise: pick a social justice topic, then write down the top ten words or phrases most used in relation to it, then write a poem avoiding all of those words. I chose a topic and then wrote a poem that ended up feeling just right. I felt so validated in my writing when I read it out loud and people had strong emotional responses to it (despite my shaky rushed reading). I wish I could write music, because I could do this. I also felt reinforced in my understanding of art as world-changing. Here's the poem (not yet edited from original draft):

You stick me in the window
"don't move" as you cover my belly, my chin, my thighs
"smile" as you coat my face, snatch out my eyebrows
"lean forward" as you glaze my breasts
"no" when I am hungry, when I need to pee
"shhh!" when I whimper from stiff muscles
"I don't care" when I say I want to get down

I can't leave this glass box with glaring lights
I've grown into this shape
my pupils cannot expand
where could I go? another window?

The first panel I went to was a discussion of disability. I think the most surprising thing I took from that discussion was a feeling of affirmation/solidarity about my ADD-PI. I didn't really think of it as a disability because I am relatively privileged and only recently diagnosed but when the person on the panel with a similar disability discussed the lack of access that comes packaged with a noisy room or even two people talking at once, I realized how often that affects my life. If someone talks while the professor is talking it takes a monumental act of will to hear the professor. If I'm in a social gathering and there is a TV or music with lyrics on (especially lyrics I haven't heard before or problematic lyrics which jar my brain), I mostly can't hear anyone unless we're talking one on one and I can read their lips and facial expressions to fill in the gaps. If two people talk at once and I'm not prepared I can't parse out either of them. If someone talks to me and I am not expecting it I will not notice 90% of the time, even if they call my name (it usually takes 2 or 3 times for me to realize). I don't know how much of my listening is actually watching. For a while I thought maybe I'm hard of hearing. Anyway, hearing this person discuss their disability made me feel validated and permitted to ask for the courtesy of repetition at least with friends.

Side note: the worst thing is when I ask someone to repeat what they said and they say it exactly as quietly or quickly as they did the first time, or they edit what they said. I want people to say it again, a little louder and clearer, and NOT CHANGE IT because otherwise I either have to ask again, or I feel left out and fixated on the thing I missed.

I don't have time to write more right now but there were 11 workshops I went to plus two events and I want to write about them all. Soon, I hope!

So in February there was this flurry of activity of people coming back into my life, but it mostly stalled out. Now I'm reevaluating all of my connections because I opened the door on the question "what if this never changes?" I realized I'd been expecting some things to change eventually, mostly because people told me that the change was something they wanted. If I say a change is something I want, that is me setting an intention and whether or not the person checks in I'm going to work on it until I get there. I realized other people might be saying "if everything lines up on its own, I'd be happy to connect" rather than "I have a vision of how I want things to be between us and I'm going to work continuously to bring it to pass."

The first person I realized this about was Hannah. It has been literally years since we were close, and even longer since we were close in a continuous way. I feel the difficulty in overcoming depression and I've been waiting for Hannah to be in a place where depression & etc doesn't prevent closeness. I only just realized that that might not be a goal of Hannah's, or it might not be possible, or it might be lack of desire not presence of obstacles, etc, and holding the space just leaves a hole in my soul that hope flows out of, especially when there aren't any signs of change. I emailed zir something short, ze wrote back, and I wrote out my feelings more in depth. Ze said ze read it and wanted to consider before responding, and I haven't heard back. The idea that my friendship with Hannah might be really over is -- fuck, it's foundation-crumbling. There is such a gaping hole where communication is not.

Then I got that feeling about Kylei, because it seems to me like zir life is going in a completely different direction from mine and that made me realize, I've been waiting for zir to be centered and ready to reconnect without the old patterns, and ze might not even have that as a goal. So I messaged zir and we had a long email conversation about it and didn't really find resolution but we're meeting tomorrow to talk. Even though I have told zir over and over that I want to work towards closeness (and have been working on myself to make this more feasible), ze did not believe that I wanted it and had stopped trying. I find that really upsetting; if someone's going to give up I would at least like to know!

And I realized that I've only gotten to spend time with Abby without the presence of overwhelming stress maybe 3 or 4 times. That gave me the understanding of the frustrating draining feeling I get around Abby, even though there is nothing bad happening. It's that I keep trying to connect subconsciously and it keeps not working, but I can feel that there is a possibility for it. I finally brought this to my conscious the day before I left (I was staying with zir during TBC) and shared it and realized that now that it was conscious I could find ways to move into sync and feel connected. But ze lives in CT, so it's very hard to practice this.

And I realized that I have not felt fully connected to Adi in years also, and that as a friend I don't feel like I'm important. I messaged zir today about it. I could work on this consciously too, but ze lives in TX now. I hope there is some kind of long-distance connection we can make, because I miss zir. I didn't realize how much until TBC, when I saw zir for the first time in 6+ months and listened to zir talk in panels and felt such resonance and such longing.

Yesterday and this morning I've been talking with Aurilion about a bunch of stuff, it's all very in the air and pretty upsetting. I felt like we were going in one direction and I feel whiplash about realizing that that is not true.

So, good job me for being open and telling these people how I feel but fuck, everything seems to be going to shit. Also fucking hell why does everyone live so shitting far away. I need, need, need, need ACTUAL locals who prioritize friendship intimacy and spirit/soul/heart connection and aren't too busy to make it happen. I feel like this is never going to exist for me. I hate the divide between ITP and OTP (Atlanta city snobbery and/or lack of access to places outside the perimeter). I hate how it feels impossible to find people I connect with on a deep level. I don't know how to spot them. I don't know where to go. I don't want to look in Atlanta because it's not long distance but the effect is often the same. Everything in my city is so default, it's fuckin gross, but my rent is so cheap, I can't afford to give it up. I hate that my house is not accessible (the only bathroom is up a flight of stairs because the downstairs one was ripped up for renovation and then left that way). I'm so tired of losing everyone, I'm so tired of being far away from everyone, I'm so tired of waiting for change that never comes.

TBC always has the effect of making me reevaluate every relationship (3rd time's a pattern), maybe because it's the one place in the world where I feel like everyone I meet is a potential friend, that they're not going to cherish slurs, insults, and opinions over learning and compassion. (I'm weeping as I write this) I feel community, I feel kinship, I feel noticed, I feel valued, I feel accepted, I feel SAFE, and I feel like I can bring anyone with me and they would feel safe too -- all with mostly strangers!!! I can be queer and genderfree and wear skirts with a 'female' body and be feminist and be trans and be fat and have large unbound breasts and never have my identity questioned or assumed. I can "be that person" and know that other people are going to support me if I call out classism or racism or ableism etc, and sometimes someone else speaks up first (oh Godde how I need that :-(). That only happens for me in my house otherwise.

Someone said that TBC is the one place other than their house where they don't have to leave any part of themselves at the door, and I feel that so fucking hard. So TBC makes me realize how much I need this in my life and how much I don't have it. I'm so lonely and sad. I plan to draft an affirmation and try my best to bring this into reality for myself but right now I'm too mournful. I think the most intense othering I experience is about language: someone says 'bitch' or 'douche' or 'girly' or a racist or ableist slur etc, and I experience it as a slap to my face, spitting on me, saying "I want you and people like you to suffer, fuck you, stay down, I'd like a carpet of you and your kin." And it happens so constantly. People being outright prejudiced doesn't happen that often to me because I am relatively privileged but people revealing their subconscious prejudice with their language happens EVERY TIME I go out of my house. I know that I'm relatively privileged but I never feel community with these shitty white and/or male and/or cis and/or hetero and/or non-disabled people and they're EVERYWHERE, ALL THE TIME. CAN'T YOU JUST STOP PUNCHING FOR ONE DAY. But even if that happened, unless I knew ahead of time for sure that it was going to happen, it wouldn't be a relief because I'd still be tensing waiting for the blow in every interaction.

I should add that there are some good things happening in some of my friendships but this post is long enough so I'll write that later.

Querencia: "a place from which one's strength is drawn, where one feels at home; the place where you are your most authentic self."

The other day someone posted this and I reflected on it. There is only one place* outside my home that I have felt this, and that is at TBC. The first year I went, I wasn't entirely sure what to expect, and when I went I spent most of the time with Kay and Kylei. But it was transformative: I met strangers and talked with them without that awful cloud of wondering if they were going to say something sexist or cissexist or ableist etc. I felt seen in a way that was incredibly validating; people expected to have to get to know me instead of thinking that it is okay to make assumptions based on my appearance. I was deeply terrified of not belonging so I was very cautious and didn't explore much. The next year when I went back, it was with a year of activism behind me, and the newfound realization that I didn't need to be perfect but I did need to give back, so I did. I gave a talk on building intimacy, ran an intimacy practice, and participated in a few panels. That year I felt exhausted but empowered: I could reach out to people, I could interact, I wasn't afraid of rejection. I learned a lot from others during the other sessions but I was at the final stage of falling into depression and all my relationships were going through major shifts so that took center stage. Right now my feelings are mixed. The two people I most associate with TBC are people that I'm exceedingly nervous about seeing. I suppose I should try to get temperatures there (I made the first small effort for that). Also, I really really want Topaz to go with me because I suspect it would be zir first taste of querencia but I don't know if ze will be able to, and I worry that if ze does go I will get caught up in introvert-sitting and won't immerse myself in the experience. But on the other hand, this will be my first time going without hiding or being deeply exhausted, and I can't imagine just how wonderful it could be. I suppose I'm 80% excited and 20% fretful. To feel safe in a place not my house: rare, sacred, necessary.

*I also feel querencia when I am around big trees and away from people, but I can never be sure that unsafe people will not approach, so it is fragile. At TBC even if unsafe people approach, I don't have to be on guard because I am not the only one who will resist oppression and repair a space made unsafe