It had been 2 years so it was way past time for an update. I didn't include all of the people from before but those are still available via tags *smiles*
If you're wondering what spirit-kin, heart-kin, soul-kin or mind-kin mean (or -twin, the stronger version), read this post.

If there is anyone I've mentioned often who is not included here, please remind me.

( all of the people! it's pretty long )

Last Thursday I talked with my little sister for about 2 hours, which is the longest we've talked in ages. Ze seems to be in a healthy relationship, which is fantastic, but ze is surrounded by terrible people at zir work. I tried as per usual to convince zir to move and live with me, but I don't think that will happen. I hope ze will at least visit.

Friday Topaz came over to help me with the grass but I was feeling ill so ze just did it for me <3 <3 <3 then we went to zir place, picking up fireworks on the way. We built a bonfire and Topaz made silver turtles and lit fireworks and smoke bombs and we drank barefoot bubbly and it was really relaxing and cozy. Then we made talismans together, where I lost track of time and Topaz was super patient. (I thought it took an hour but it took 3)

That night I slept badly (which has been happening almost every night I spend at Topaz' lately, not sure why) and thus slept in. I started freaking out a little about time but Ashe and Anika were running late so once I found that out I got to have cuddles and Topaz made us breakfast and coffee (ze makes the best breakfast sandwiches). Then I went home and whirlwinded through the house, tidying and cleaning, and didn't stop until about 20 minutes after they arrived (hyperfocus sometimes makes me the worst at greeting people). I got to hang out with them for a little while, but Ashe was exhausted and had to leave right as Kei-Won-Tia arrived. Topaz and Zawn and Jeff arrived a little later, and we had some pretty awesome conversation, ranting about evils in the world (which was the purpose of the gather). I got a little drunk and felt super happy about all the interactions, especially since Topaz seemed relaxed. Zawn and Jeff brought pizza, which was a fabulous gift. The gather wasn't what I had pictured but I liked it better than what I had pictured. After Zawn and Jeff left and Anika crashed out, Kei-Won-Tia and Topaz and I played Personalogies, which had some good questions but frankly I could make a deck 47201x better. When they left, I missed them a lot and texted with Topaz for like an hour, because my missing zir got so strong it hurt. I feel really extra deeply in love with zir. I'm also not used to spending time with Topaz that isn't one-on-one or followed by one-on-one, so there's this subconscious expectation of that time and I want it to hurry up and get here.

Sunday I went grocery shopping with Anika and Suzu in the morning and then Kei-Won-Tia, Abby, Heather, Kylei, and Roger arrived for cuddle puddle. I pulled Abby away and talked with zir about zir relationship with Roger because they'd been having a painful time, and I felt upset by it. I was sort of getting up my courage, and then we went back. I told Roger that I felt a need to talk about Abby and Roger's relationship, and asked if ze'd prefer to talk alone or with everyone - ze said no preference so I asked zir to tell me about how ze had experienced the recent troubles. After ze did, I expressed my feelings about it (vague because not sure how much they want private) and I felt that Roger took them in. Even though nothing was really resolved, I felt that I had expressed myself fully to them both and I didn't feel stressed out and divided any more. I don't think I've ever done that before - it felt incredibly awkward and I was quite worried as to how it would go, but I think it was good, and Roger expressed appreciation for being able to talk openly about it. I cuddled Abby during it because ze was vibrating with anxiety. Afterwards we all had early dinner, during which Topaz arrived, and we began intimacy practice. It was super intense and really long and really great, even though we didn't get to everyone (argh we have got to restructure the large ones!). I felt like we all moved a lot closer to each other through this one. I usually feel we are closer afterward but this one was especially bonding. Everyone was so sweet and wonderful and I loved spending the day with everyone! Suzu was really good, interacting with us some but for age 7, being remarkably low-maintenance. This kid is pretty amazing. I want to explore the world with zir to notice what ze observes. So cool.

Topaz stayed a little late for me to take the braids out that Heather spent hours putting in as we were doing IP. Ze lay in my lap and I finger-combed zir hair for a while, which was really, really good for me because the day was so intense and I desperately wanted Topaz cuddles. Next cuddle puddle I'm going to make a nest in my room because the living room made it too linear.

Monday I hung out w Anika and Suzu for a while (Suzu painted several pictures) and then took them to meet Ashe at a coffeehouse. Suzu played with the kids there, expressing upset at the one terrible kid who was mean to insects but otherwise seeming to have a blast. Ashe and Anika and I talked for a while, about what I am not even sure now because my memory is out. We stopped by Ashe's house and ze introduced us to trees and cats and zir spouse, and we got back to my house late. Anika and I had tea and ice cream (rather, the approximations I had on hand) and talked for a good while before going to bed.

Tuesday we just stayed home. We were planning on doing a ritual while Anika was in town, but when one thing after another fell apart, I felt it just wasn't meant to be and cancelled it. I was relieved to relax, because I was getting pretty desperate for down time.

Eeeeeearly Wednesday morning I took them to the airport, came home and tried to nap (which became 8 hours of sleep). Afterwards I went to Topaz', we had dinner and cuddles and went to sleep, where I slept for over 15 hours. Usually I feel guilty and annoyed if I sleep more than 8 hours, but this time I decided it was important and that I needed the processing (because dreams are really good for me in that way). When I got up I got shit done in quick succession, including writing an entry for LJ Idol (which I'm super nervous about). I had dinner with Topaz and helped zir tidy a little and then we cuddled and I went home.

I want to start doing a weekly summary on Mondays (if I can remember). I keep wanting to share things and then forgetting. If you are curious and I miss a Monday, please poke me about it.

Last week I did a shitton of art, editing photos and working with fractals. Last Monday's energy work class was great because we got to practice sensing energies with each other. I have learned some new techniques but so far the thing that has benefited me the most is the shared practice. It's hard to learn by yourself because you don't have anyone to tell you when you're off-base and you can't get a sense for what 'true' feels like as opposed to 'likely'. We practiced looking at energy during an impromptu healing that the instructor gave to someone who came in upset. We also practiced using our hands to sense the edge of people's energetic field.

Arizona was in town this week and I spent Sunday with zir, talking and cuddling and then having dinner with Arizona, Deb, and Jerry. Deb and Jerry are people I feel very very fond of but quite awkward about building a relationship now that I'm not so closely connected to their kids. They feel like family to me which also sets off my "not successful enough, not contributing enough" anxieties. I shared this with Arizona and ze invited me to dinner. The four of us had pretty great conversation and they invited me to visit - I want to get over my anxieties and actually do that. Next meteor shower I'm gonna ask to visit, at least.

Wednesday Arizona and zir partner Sulley came over to hang out with me for a while. It was kinda bittersweet because I miss them and now they live out of state, but it was good to catch up and great to see Sulley so happy: ze's at zir dream job and the contentment just radiates.

Thursday Kei-won-tia came over and we talked for a little while before I mentioned wanting to watch Adventure Time with zir and Kyle. Ze said we could do it now, and I decided to skip oneness blessing and we went to zir place. We had a great time and I felt so cozy there.

Friday the internet went out and I frustratedly tried everything but the modem had crapped out so nothing worked. The only productive thing I did that day was clean out my bettas' (3 gallon) vase.

Saturday I went to Hannahcohn's cat's funeral, which was sad but really perfect, as far as that kind of goodbye goes. There was a lot of love. I felt that my presence was comforting to Hannah, which was why I wanted to go. Hannah loves that cat more than many people love their children and the loss must be so immense. Afterward I realized I was only 15 minutes from Sanctuary (Kei-Won-Tia's house) so I went over and we watched Adventure Time interspersed with very meaningful conversation between me, Kei-Won-Tia, and Kyle. I drank a bit and was leaning towards staying the night, but then I sobered up and realized I didn't have a change of clothes and would wake up feeling super gross, so I went to Topaz's where I went to bed but couldn't sleep for ages (I think I lay in bed for 6 hours before sleep) and eventually got just 4 hours or so.

Sunday I woke up and scurried home, whirlwind cleaned my house for a bit, and then people started arriving for the crafty party. Ashe came over, which was interesting because it is the first time ze's been to my house for years. Ze played piano which I unexpectedly enjoyed (I usually find piano music bothersome because my parents made me play for 4 years). Ze also brought a new friend, Rayne, who is pagan and seems awesome. I felt so awkward but really happy, and I enjoyed both of their company. Then Heather and Heatherby and Taz and Olly showed up, and were surprised by the mellow feel. Kylei and Allison are my bouncy boisterous friends (I'm only like that if I'm drunk or extremely happy) so without them everything's pretty chill. I like for things to be bouncy but I am not invested enough to make it so myself. Bouncy is not a creative energy for me -- when I am creating I get very quiet and focused. Anyway it was a very successful crafty party! I really liked the things people made and I loved my craft. I made magic talismans for the people in my energy work class: I wrote blessings for them (intuiting what I felt to be their need) on tiny slips of paper which I rolled into spirals and placed in a painted plastic bottle cap along with scraps from calendars, glitter, glass, and resin. They turned out amazing and I cannot wait to do more.

Monday I had to be up early for the internet to get fixed but I couldn't sleep until late, so I got another short and interrupted sleep. I went to the last energy work class, which was intense -- we learned a technique that I feel is very good for removing doubt*. At one point we did an exercise where we thought of something unlikely (buying a dinner for two at $200 a plate) and removed doubt until we could see it as possible. When I got to the point where it felt possible, I started crying, not just tearing up but unable-to-speak-and-occasionally-sobbing. I hadn't realized it because it was so beyond my life experience, but being able to give others experiences that they would treasure is very, very important to me. I thought of this experimental restaurant that Topaz loves and how I would love to take zir there and it just hit me hard.

At the end of the class I gave out my talismans along with the blessings written out on post-its so they could have them, and they were welcomed so happily. Five of the people said that they were spot-on (the other did not comment), one person cried, one person thanked me profusedly. Also, as I was leaving one of the students told me that ze had practiced an energy work thing I had suggested and it had helped, which made me feel so happy. The thing I got out of this class more than anything else was coming to trust in my intuition, and to believe that the things that I feel as right often are. The doubt-removing exercise was also very useful and I will definitely be using that.

As I left, this headache that I'd been pushing away for 2 hours finally just crashed in -- it was awful, crushing pain. I started to drive home but the lights from other cars were stabbing me and I didn't feel fully there and I kept feeling like I was going to puke, so I called Topaz and asked if I could come there. Ze said yes and so I did, and by the time I got there all I could do was lay on the floor and whimper. I didn't know if it was lack of sleep or lack of food or dehydration or some terrible combination, but it hurt so much. Topaz pet me and gave me cold compresses and brought me water and saltines and made me soup. Once the nausea faded enough that I could eat, I ate and took ibuprofen and the headache went away over the next hour. We went to sleep early and I slept deeply, finally, though I had strange dreams about the trailer I lived in from ages 2-8.

*You think of a situation and rate its possibility for you on a scale from 1-100, using intuition for the rating and imagination to picture a sliding scale. Then you think of the things that make it not possible, and let them go -- all judgements and etc. Keep checking on the scale and don't stop until you get to a point of 90-95% possibility, when you can just push the slider up with your mind. Then you take a mental picture of the situation and send it outward from you in a ripple. It doesn't sound like much but when you do it, you realize a lot of subconscious things that you believe, that you might be better off if you didn't believe (like "everyone will dislike me if I...").

Prompt from Kei-Won-Tia: Who are the people in your life who speak to your soul with their existence and what was your first impression of them? What qualities in them inspire you to better yourself?

There are a lot of people in that first answer! I'll go chronologicallyish, name then first impression then qualities. Remember these are not characterizations just first impressions!

Allison. first impression: small, bouncy, happy, clever, creative. Ze inspires me to get in touch with my more expressive self, and be unabashedly enthusiastic.

Hannah. first impression: brilliant, careful, compassionate, silly, generous, yearning. Ze inspires me to ask prying questions, to seek a more blunt truthfulness, to embrace my tenderness (used to be very difficult as I prided myself on toughness).

SabR. first impression: fierce, wild, bold about beliefs, generous, welcoming, easily angry, confidently creative. Ze inspires me to put more of myself on the line with my art, to be bolder about sharing vulnerable beliefs, to be wild (like a leopard not like a spring breaker).

Aurilion. first impression: too interested in being seen as more evolved than the next to be really honest about anything, loving, seeking (I didn't connect w zir much at all until we met in person). Ze inspires me to believe in my intuition and to be open to possibilities.

Ashe. first impression: sweet, affectionate, loyal to an extreme (I got annoyed with a girl who was deliberately flirting with our crushes but ze was infuriated/outraged and I'm pretty sure hated that person from then on). Ze inspires me to believe in myself - I think ze was the first person to believe in me, which is a huge damn deal.

Anika. first impression: angry, open, curious, creative, clever. Ze inspires me to share more, to yield less, to grow and learn and be unafraid.

Viv. first impression: anxious, eager to explore, cuddly. Ze inspired me to explore my transness, undo my partnership, reconsider my whole life, take emotional risks with no security.

Vola. first impression: quiet, intense, very thoughtful and thorough, determined. Ze inspires me to think (through zir thoughtful sharing) and to be true to the more analytical, ethereal parts of me. This is kinda rare because people tend to like my sensual, affectionate side more.

Nea. first impression: impossibly kind, compassionate, nonjudgemental. I think Nea is still the most nonjudgemental person I've ever known. Ze inspires me in that way and also by being a person who doesn't share many words and yet is as open-hearted as can be. It makes me see more possibilities in people.

Laura. first impression: honest, creative, loving toward everyone but zirself. Ze died last year but continues to inspire me with zir hope in all things. I want to believe. I miss zir so much, I hate that ze's gone.

Angie. first impression: sweetest, gentlest person I've ever met (that initial impression is still true). Ze inspires me to remember that there are still kind people in the world, even when surrounded by cruelty, not everyone becomes cruel. Ze makes me believe in love.

Lisa. first impression: honest, cheerful, directionless. Ze inspires me because I've seen zir take ownership of zir life and unflinchingly examine where ze can change to bring about the life ze wants, and then just fuckin do it. (Not directionless, obv)

Firekat. first impression: opposite of me, adventurous, risk-taking. Ze inspires me to take risks! I've followed in zir footsteps in a lot of ways (not intentionally, but partly given courage by seeing Kat) and been the better for it.

Ben. first impression: argumentative, stubborn, smart, affectionate. Ben inspires me with zir desire to grow and learn. I almost never see this in someone who passes as a privilege-pinnacle person, and it gives me a little hope for the world.

Arizona. first impression: sharp-minded, open to any new idea, enjoying life, stable and secure in zirself. Ze inspires me to believe in my ability to sense magic. Ze was the first to affirm me in that way (we got together because I dreamed we kissed and then I asked zir out as an act of trusting my intuition).

Kylei. first impression: extremely emotional, creative, impulsive, open, affectionate. Ze inspires me to be more open, honor my feelings, follow my heart.

Heather. first impression: friendliest person ever, totally free and kind. Ze inspires me to share (because ze read my ENTIRE journal even the early parts and still liked me) and to see myself as a relatable person even though I get socially overwhelmed sometimes (if it can be true of the friendliest person ever, I must be relatable too).

Abby. first impression: nervous, creative, generous. Ze inspires me to treat emotions as a shared unfolding of knowledge, a collaborative project, and ze inspires me by sharing new knowledge.

Adi. first impression: bold, honest, unafraid. Ze believed in my goodness at a time when I felt everyone would judge me and it made me feel hope that I could be myself without going way out of my way to explain and still have people see me truly.

Topaz. first impression: capable of listening intently and engagingly, caring about social justice, fierce, free, unavailable, sexy as fuck. Ze inspires me to continue learning and attempting to educate others (because ze also self-educates and agrees and supports me) and to go after what I want (because ze believes in zirself and prioritizes zir needs so I feel I can too).

Camellia. first impression: no idea because it was so long ago and ze was just a kid. Ze inspires me to be welcoming, because ze makes me feel like that part of me is appreciated.

Kei-Won-Tia. first impression: distant, loving, self-deprecating, a bit lost. Ze inspires me to practice gratitude, build intentional connections, trust in people, share what I learn.

There are many others, really.

Also all of the good parents I know: Anika, Jess, Clare and spouse, Christine, Issa and Joshua, Mandy, Brian and Sarah, Ksej, others- people raising their children with love and creativity and understanding and freedom, giving them the chance to flourish instead of squashing them into a mold like most progenitors. I feel this very deeply and personally, as if in doing so they are giving me what I never had. It moves me to tears.

So when I was at TBC I had an intense discussion with Kylei about how I was upset that ze wasn't working toward a renewed connection with me. I told zir I wanted zir to be developing strong self care so we could be close without triggering my urge to fill all the need and that I have been working to strengthen my own boundaries and know myself better and learn more self-care so that I could meet zir too. Ze told me that ze didn't think I meant it when I said I wanted to be close again and had given up. We sort of opened all the things and made a plan to talk later, and a week after we met up to hang out for a morning.

That morning ended up being most of the day -- we talked about building closeness and we talked about values, forgave each other -- that happened in the first two hours or so. Then we went to Kylei's house and lay on zir bed and talked at a very slow pace. We made a lot of eye contact, and Kylei said ze was overwhelmed with feelings. I felt happy and resting and contemplative but also very strange. I realized as we shared silent overlapping energy that part of my broken-reality feeling last year was because the damage to our connection broke a part of my ability to sense things, so it's like when you're in shock and you look at a shard of glass stuck in you and you know it should hurt but it doesn't. But it's like that about a sense that is important for me to feel joy. And looking in Kylei's eyes I knew that that part of me is not as completely shattered as it was, but it is still broken. At the same time I felt safe with Kylei for the first time in more than a year and a half, and I feel like rebuilding our connection will help me to heal my magic-sense. And I felt vindicated. Once I love someone it is there always, just sometimes I can't feel it. I know this, but when I can't feel it I doubt it, yet it's really important to my sense of self. I decided to stay past the time I had planned to, and I waited while Kylei went to an appointment and when ze came back we cuddled and played -- I asked Kylei if ze wanted to be a pillow and ze said yes, so I lay my head on zir belly. Then ze said something and I said "pillows don't talk!" and ze laughed and I said "pillows don't laugh! bad pillow!" and bit zir, and ze giggled more and then I lay my head back down and we dozed a little. Play is an important part of our connection and it felt like an affirmation of rebuilding to play again.

Then this week we met up in between two classes to hang out near my school, and we ate lunch together and went park-hopping and found a really beautiful place (after two duds). We wandered together and apart, and I realized that part of the reason that it has been difficult for us to reconnect is that we've been meeting in places we can't really cuddle or feel magic (restaurants) and that it's important for us to share time in nature/ sacred space and cuddling alone. It was kind of rushed time we had and I had a lot of ambient stress about school work because this week has been a beast, but it was still good, and adventure, and promise.

Kei-Won-Tia is someone I'd known kinda peripherally for years but had never hung out with much until last month. After spending some one-on-one time with zir ze's become an important person in my life, very quickly. Ze's possibly the most empathetic person I've ever met, and so incredibly loving and generous. When we talk I often feel like ze's reading my mind and I like it. We have a lot in common with how we feel about the world at large and what our values are. I feel grateful for the chance to get to know zir and I hope we get to spend lots more time together.

I hung out with Ashe recently and we talked for three hours but it didn't feel like that long, which is a sign of great time spent. I feel like it's going to be a slow route to be close again because Ashe is dealing with some heavy shit and we're starting from scratch since we did more misunderstanding than understanding of each other before. But I like that we've begun and I feel like we're heading in a positive direction.

A few days before Aurilion sent me that email, ze found a ring that I had ordered made for zir (a blue topaz in a sterling butterfly setting) that ze had thought ze had thrown away years ago. The circumstances were very strange -- it showed up on a desk and zir parents said they didn't move it. Aurilion referred to it with awe and called it deep magic. I feel like it's significant that this happened three days before the email; I feel like it sent a message that Aurilion rejected. I imagine that ze has changed zir interpretation and probably discarded it again.

My emails with Hannah and Ben had gotten stalled out early this month but started up again this week. I don't know where the Ben interaction is going, but I feel good about it. I feel really hopeful about the interaction with Hannah. It's just so important to me to be connected with Hannah. I want to share the piece of an email from Hannah that made me cry with a mixture of joy, pain, and longing:

... I want to be able to spend time around trees and in the company of other special living things with you. I want to sit quietly with you and think and just be. I want to create art with you. I want to discuss art with you. I want to read poetry and books with you or discuss them with you at the least. I want to discuss colours and impressions of people and things in the way only you can. I want to one day be able to be outdoors, in the car, at night, again. I want to share music and other joys. I want to discover new things with you, that I don't know about yet and can't expect. I want to hear your feelings and for you to hear mine. I want to express my opinions and thoughts and hear yours. I want to cuddle. I really miss looking at your face and your eye-contact. I want to discuss many topics, social justice included, with you, analyse, deconstruct, build, express. I want to enjoy being a living thing and a friend with you. I feel those things honestly. I want to write letters, I want to share truths.

We both have anxiety around certain ways of communicating and they're opposite in several ways and long-distance is hard anyway, but I think we're finding a way that will work, I'm afraid to believe it will, I'm afraid to think that maybe the wait is over? Even typing that feels utterly terrifying. I'm so scared that Hannah will get overwhelmed by my feelings and run away.

Godde I was so lonely for so long :-( I'm writing this and I'm feeling overwhelmed with the idea that Kylei and Hannah might be part of my life in a deep way again, crying. My connections with them are the equivalence of spouse-connection, if you can imagine your spouse having to go on a trip that left them out of touch for years, and then them coming back, then you might get a feeling of it. And the time when neither of them were openly connected with me was terrible, even though I have the same depth of connection with Topaz -- I would never not feel the loss, there is no replacing.

Speaking of Topaz, we've been spending less time together, but it hasn't felt bad for me, which I credit to me having developed self-care in a way I haven't done for many years. We have both been overwhelmed lately, zir with work and me with school, so we both needed a lot of down time and our time together was turning into all slush time since we didn't have any space to decompress. So we stopped spending so much time together, which was hard because our shared touch is so perfect and we're both cuddly creatures, but it was good because the time that we have spent together has been more deliberate and we've had more focus time.

I've been communicating more with Heather and I just love zir so much. Ze started journaling and I feel like every post is so wonderful, I love being welcomed into zir brain-space. I would spend way more time with zir in person but we live pretty far apart and zir car is not reliable and I get sick of driving because I do so much of it, so it doesn't happen super often, but I still feel like we're getting closer quickly because of zir in-depth shares. Ze understands me really well, I feel, and I want to catch up.

Anika and I have been communicating regularly, mostly through LJ, and it makes me feel so happy to be able to be home here with zir again. I feel like we have a chance to build a connection that was almost there and then lost -- we've come together in a place where we have similar values and desires and it's so nourishing. I wish ze lived closer.

I'm behind on the prompts and it's probably going to stay that way -- I'm gonna keep going through them but I'm not going to stress about it. It started making me not able to post because I felt like I had to do the prompt first so when I felt the urge to just write I resisted it. That's NOT good. It has to be okay for me to post anytime, about anything, or else I will slowly become more and more guilt-ridden and avoidant. So I'm gonna ramble about recent thoughts.

nosswhispers had told me at Solstice that as our romantic relationship ended the first time in 2009, ze was feeling that ze was giving tons to me in openness and I wasn't giving anything back. I had felt that I was giving tons in listening and not getting any questions back. In looking at that I realized that I hadn't been initiating much sharing, and while I still want questions, I also want to be better at sharing without getting confirmation of interest first. Then Ashe and justben both emailed me to work out the endings of those relationships in 2010, and working through those things made me realize more about how unskilled I was at in-person openness.

From a letter to Ashe: "in writing I was good at [openness]! I not only didn't know HOW to be open in-person without prompting, I didn't know I wasn't already doing it. No one had ever told me, no one had ever requested more openness from me. I'd never been in-person friends with someone who didn't 1) share very reluctantly or 2) just want to be heard. I just didn't have the skills, the extra energy to experiment, or even the knowledge that it would be better if I tried to share unprompted. In all of my life up to that point, no one I saw on a daily or weekly basis had EVER said, "I want you to share all the things inside you." Instead people had tuned out or had no response or a really shallow one that showed they weren't really listening, or had wanted me to share more but had not expressed that. I had no way of knowing that you wanted me to share with you. I know it probably seems like I should have. Part of it is that when I share in person, there are lots of pauses and stares into middle distance and wait-back-ups and I feel frustrated with it so I imagine that the other person will too (due to the previous seeming lack of interest). In writing nobody has to deal with that and something about the act of typing helps me to focus so that I don't get stuck on words as much. I feel the quality and accuracy of my sharing is a lot better in words I have typed, which is why I feel that people don't really know me if they don't read my journal... I didn't realize how important it was to me to 1) write and 2) have people share with me through writing. It's a kind of intimacy I need because it's the only kind of sharing that doesn't get trapped in my ADD and end up draining as much as it nourishes."

So I've been realizing that while I might be skilled at openness through writing, I am not skilled at it in person (I'm great at listening and encouraging others to express but poor at sharing unprompted). I can tell that this is still true because it feels naked when I do it, even with Topaz. But a key difference is now I have people who I know without any doubt that they are interested in what I have to share, because they have told me so. That is what intimacy practice has given me: confidence that my openness is valued. It's only a matter of learning the practice of actually volunteering the information.

I also realized that I used to have a very bad response to passive-aggressive behavior OR what I perceived as passive-aggressive behavior. If someone acted that way towards me once, I got defensive and started looking for more manipulative tactics in their behavior, put up walls and made assumptions. After being with Kylei and Topaz and having a habit of asking questions about everything, I no longer do that, but I'm pretty disturbed/grossed out/repulsed that it used to be normal for me. Nowadays I can just be like "hey, did you mean this thing when you said that thing?" and the answer is almost always no, I was misreading it.

It's very strange to me to be looking back four or five years and see that I wasn't very good at communication. It's been described as my super-power by more than one person in the past 3 years. I think it's due in equal parts to Kylei and Topaz. Kylei and I had conflicts (both calm and wild) so much we practiced communication for upwards of 1300 hours while we were together, no idea what the actual number was but it was a fuckton, so I got SKILLZ, especially at stripping things to their core issue. Topaz and I don't have many conflicts but I feel safe to share with zir because ze makes me feel heard and because I can talk to zir about stuff that's bugging me without it needing to be a painful discussion; I'm learning openness in person. I'm super grateful for these people helping me learn, and determined to get better at easy in-person/real-time openness. I've made it a goal to share at least one unprompted thing with a person other than Topaz (in addition to Topaz) every day.

So I've been exchanging emails with Ashe -- starting about a week and a half ago and getting stalled out until I realized that we both thought the other one was going to respond next. That's laughably representative of our disconnects I think; we just have such different ways of saying anything at all. Anyway, it's been a lot on my mind. I really wasn't expecting to have contact with Ashe again, even to sort out what happened four years ago... I don't know how I feel about this really. Ashe is the person who has caused me the most pain, and also catalyzed a lot of growth for me, and...

I feel like it is not a coincidence that both times Ashe and I broke up it was right after I started investing a lot more (Ashe didn't see it that way I don't think). I feel like one or both of us got scared, and our tenuous communication fell completely apart. I feel like if we were to be friends again it could so easily end in a messy shitfest but I'm still drawn. I never could put into words what it is that connects me and Ashe and I still feel puzzled about that but I miss zir. I think part of my desire to reconnect is just wanting to be better at what I failed at before. Part is we were just starting something new and exciting when everything went to utter crap. Part is there's just something unique about how we interact and I miss it.

Ashe used to make me feel this thing that I haven't felt with anyone else, I wiiiiiish I could word it. It's like grounded, like energized, like exploratory, like relaxed, but not quite any of those things. I don't feel like I know Ashe, I'm not even sure I knew zir before because ze was changing so rapidly -- we were always close in times of huge upheaval in zir life (and mine, the second time around). Ze says ze feels like I never saw zir. I feel like I did see zir but like I didn't know how to see very well back then... I dunno.

I'm pretty confused about it all.

If you're wondering what spirit-kin, heart-kin, soul-kin or mind-kin mean (or -twin, the stronger version), read this post.

If there is anyone I've mentioned often who is not included here, please remind me.

( all of the people! it's pretty long )

I saw my ex-partner at school today -- so strange and awkward! That's the one relationship of which there are no living remains. With everyone else there is at least a little connection or desire. I'm curious about zir life, but not in an emotionally-invested way, more in a "so that is what my life could have been like" kind of way.

And it made me think about mirrors. I think some people (like my bioparent P) are hammered into mirrors by being disallowed to have any independent thought or action, and others are mirrors because it is an easier kind of relationship than communication and self-awareness. I don't know about nowadays, but when my ex and I were together I thought we agreed on so many things because ze was a mirror. And when I spent time with Ash I thought we agreed too, but ze was just mirroring. And then I wonder about myself -- do I attract these people because I am an easy model to reproduce due to my transparency? Or a scarier thought, am I subconsciously attracted to them because I like being reflected? I think it's more likely that I seek real resonance and used to be fooled by the mirroring -- it has been a few years since then, and I have learned to tell the difference at least somewhat, I think. My current understanding of the way to tell is that if someone truly agrees with me on something, that is true whether I'm around them or not, and whether or not I have discussed it with them lately. If they're just mirroring, they won't spot nuances on their own, they won't seek out more information on their own, and they won't apply it to their lives in their own ways.

ETA: I think mirroring can be conscious or it can be habitual. It's is a really useful skill when talking to a boss or some other non-empathetic dispenser of resources; I think it's only a problem when it prevents intimacy or substitutes for it. I think if you are comfortable uttering disagreements with people, having constructive conflict, and maintaining boundaries that are good for you, it is unlikely that you have a habit of mirroring. But I don't have experience from the inside, myself, so I'm just guessing. I don't think I've ever mirrored successfully, though I certainly try when it comes to job interviews :-p

Today (which, in Belenen time, is whatever day I woke up in, not what the computer clock says) is the first day of a 22-day-daily-posting streak. I don't know what all about but I need to write and I got some of my closest to join me and also post 22 posts in 22 days :D I've had so many posts filling up the writing nook in my mindspace, hopefully I'll get quite a few of them out. This one's just going to be random.

( dream about Ash, depression still here )

I've started making fractal art! I'm very excited about this. I've loved fractals for ages but was too intimidated (and my computer was too poor) to make them myself (though I used them as overlays in many of my icons). I'm going to try to make a fractal every day to go along with the daily post (not themed similarly, just sharing both at the same time). I love fractals... it fascinates me to see the relationship between shapes expressed in incredibly complex and beautiful ways, to play with numbers and watch something unfurl, bloom. I've started seeing real life shapes in the ways that they would be fractals.

(please click to see full size)


Cetaceans Bringing Dreams


Acid Jazz

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )

I've recently realized that the way I spend time and the way I think of home is different than most people I've lived with. Home, to me, is where I go to rest and feel secure -- and this usually involves being relaxed/passive/solitary. It's not where I want to spend most of my time -- it's where I want to go back to after adventures. If I'm happy and healthy I want to be OUT most of the time (at least 5 days out of 7), interacting with people and exploring. Being out satisfies my yearning to wander. The only times I spend vast lengths of time at home is when I'm feeling depressed or need to process/recover or feel like I have no one to explore with (I can explore on my own if it's warm, but if it's cold I need people with me to motivate me to brave the cold).

But for most people, "home is where the heart is" and home is where you are happiest spending your time. I remember this being a point of conflict when I lived with the Wynnes -- I loved that family more than anyone else I'd ever known, and I LOVED my room SO much (it was FULL of light and they let me paint it purple and green and it had a built-in-desk and its own full-of-light bathroom), 'yet' I was out all the time. I was working full time and going to school full time and dating and going to group therapy (which for me was a wonderful social activity), and I loved the whirl. I think Paula started to feel like I didn't care about them because I wasn't often home, and she started asking me to call when I was going to be out late (ostensibly so ze wouldn't worry but really I think because ze didn't want to feel forgotten) -- which I could never remember to do until it was already past the time ze'd be asleep. I didn't realize (until now) that it is possible they felt unloved or like I didn't want to live there -- yet it was probably my favorite place I've ever lived.

( it was also conflict with Ash and Ben and Arizona )

All this makes me worry that I'm not suited to live with people I'm close with because it seems really difficult to get around that expectation. My daydream looks like this: sharing living space (a house or multi-room flat) with people I love who are either wanderfooted or solitary or not emotionally invested in me; having my own, separate space; having communal space where everyone living there has equal freedom to invite people to (this is very important! I've NEVER had this and yearned for it all my life); having no one be sad if I'm gone for days at a stretch, and no one be upset if I'm home but don't want to interact. I dunno if that's possible. I hope so, and I want to try it with my lil sis and Kyle (who is probably more out-oriented than I am even) and maybe some others. Am I the only one who thinks of home like this?

Kisses! how I long for more -- why can't I kiss everyone in the world? and oh God/dess, hands. Really, I'm such a hands person. Hands and mouths (because it's mostly the lips but it's also the whole structure, y'know?) but hands first. There've been moments when I've held hands with someone and it felt more intimate than kissing or fucking.

I'm a little baffled at what my mind returns to lately. I'd have expected to pine and mourn and suffer over the Ash & Rob thing but I haven't been. Parts of it just sort of evaporated (can't really explain that because it's not only my story and it's too near) and the bits that are still painful I'm just avoiding the fuck out of. So instead what fills my mind is ( other doomed attractions )

Also if I have to move out of state that means that Ben and I will be on hiatus because ze doesn't do long distance. So that's a little depressing. It already sucks that living this far means I only get time alone with zir once a week. I mean, I'm grateful for that, but I need more intimate-connection-time than that. Not necessarily with the same person, not even necessarily romantic, just more. I need mindful cuddles everyday. I need naked, open conversation at least every other day. And you know? now that I'm thinking on it, if I were to move with the biofamily, I would get cuddles and naked-open-conversation all the time from my lil sis. And right this minute I want that more than anything else. :-(

But but! if I can stay here I can be with Ben and mayyyyyyyybe one of those who have laid claim to my mindspace and who knows what other possibilities? I do have a few leads on jobs (nothing definite yet) and I feel pretty sure I can find a decent place to live if I can find work that would actually pay my bills. And I could go back to school for free. I want that so much. I want THIS. I want here, this is my home.

And the idea of not being in Georgia in summer makes me ache and weep. I love Georgia in summer more than I've ever loved a person and I think more than I ever will love any single person. It's the most unbearable beauty and it breathes and embraces me, I need it. NEED. Please God/dess, please don't make me leave before I've had at least a little of it. I beg you, All-That-Has-Compassion, let me taste true summer.

explanation of the previous posts: I fell in love with a couple, boom-boom. But now I feel pretty sure that it's not going to work (at least, not now) and I'm trying to process it :-[

(when a day full of cuddles and good conversation ends with me feeling shitty, that's a pretty bad sign)

still waiting for things to settle, which mayn't happen for another DAY.

Maybe I'll have words then? mmm.

oh my god
oh my god


OH MY GOD. ohmigod!!! OMFUCKINGG! whatishappen. um. what.

I think my brain fell out. AGH!!!


when I can think in words instead of stuttering exclamations I'll write what this is actually about. ohmygod, life, really? you love me after all? MAGIC HASN'T DESERTED ME? OH GOD!


(and in quite-a-lot-less-exciting news, I am OFFICIALLY LEGALLY DIVORCED, HELL THE FUCK YEAH!!!)

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! *claps hands to face in giggles*

All That Is Thirst -- Pati Yang
oooh, can't get enough of this
all that is thirst
all that is thirst
oooh, playing new hide and seek:
keep moving still
keep moving still

(myheartwon'tslowdown!)

I think Ash and I may develop a reputation (oops). It's hot now (HALLELUJAH!) and we keep our windows open and use fans instead of air conditioning (air-co, lol) and, well, Ash fell in love (and lust) last week and has had the new lover over almost every night since (and they've woken me up in the morning -- once with noises and twice with SHEER ENERGY). And I am pretty much incapable of being quiet when having sex with Ben (last night I think I was the loudest ever -- it's normal for me to scream occasionally but LAST night I screamed a LOT >:-]) so, if anyone's been on their balconies or had their windows open they've shared in our joy, haha.

I'm really, really happy for Ash -- this new relationship has created SUCH a shift for zir! And not just that, but the influx of creative energy (sex is a creative act for sure!) has completely changed the feel of the apartment. It almost seems like Ash's new relationship has finally cut zir ties with all the horribly shitty stuff that happened last year, and has started the healing process -- so now all that old stagnant stuff isn't in our space interfering with things. I think the overflow of their connection/creation is partly to credit for me finally having the courage and energy to look my ex in the eyes and see the truth (though I know spring had a lot to do with that too, and perhaps Geb did as well). And now it just feels good here -- I actually spend time in the living room sometimes (without the draw of a conversation, even).

See? this is why I love spring! it brings magic! also the green makes me happy every damn time I see it. LIFE!

FINALLY I FEEL LIKE WRITING. Oh this will be quite the looooong rambly entry. I'll put it (mostly) in a lj-cut list!

( have been sick )

On a much happier note, the past two days have been HEAVENLY WARM and today driving home from work I looked at the spring green in the trees and actually started crying with joy (and am tearing up now thinking on it). Oh God/dess, the sun is back, my lover has not deserted me forever. I cannot express the intensity of my relief at feeling spring finally open up for me. Spring and summer is such magic for me... every year I get to the end of winter and wonder how I survived for months without green I can taste and heat that fills my bones and sunlight that actually touches me and breezes that sneak under the heat to lick my skin. OH GOD/DESS SUMMER IS COMING I can live again. I want to bury my fingers in warm soil and burn myself with sun-kisses and stream with heat-lust and breathe in the sex of trees. Oh my God. I love Georgian summers maybe more than I've ever loved a person. I can live without an individual person but I really think I would wither and die without these summers.

( Ash is spilling over sexual/romantic energy on me )

( I buzzed my hair which has had a strange affect on my self-image )

( feeling like a bore )

( specialness from my birthday )

( Kate and Kay sent me AMAZING MULTI-PRESENTS )

I am sheerly spoilt with amazing friends! I loooove you!

A long time ago I was mapping out connections with various friends, and Ash felt a bit hurt that I didn't see any connection at all between us. But like I said then, connections are about similarities, and Ash and I have NO SIMILARITIES. (ze used to think we did but now agrees that we don't!) It's odd because we live our lives in somewhat similar ways -- we're both queer and pagan and poly and open/honest -- but while what we DO might be similar on the surface, we're so different in our whys and hows. Pretty much opposite, most of the time. And considering that Ash and I have inverted signs (I'm sun-Aquarius moon-Sagittarius, and ze's sun-Sagittarius moon-Aquarius) and are such total opposites, I'm a BIT more inclined to consider the zodiac relevant!

It's been a WILD ride, being flatmates with Ash. For a while through January and February I feared that our friendship would not survive living together. ( we fought dreadfully )

Now that we've gotten past that string of miscommunications, the energy between us has sweetened again. We're really too different to be partners, but I think that if Ash had a primary other (and I had others) and we didn't live together, we could be lovers and it would be amazing. I kinda expect that to happen somewhere down the line and I'm looking forward to it. For now I feel like our friendship is really strengthening now that we have FINALLY learned not to assume we understand the other even if it seems PAINFULLY obvious. Ash is a really lovely person and I'm so happy to have zir in my life. ♥



( some portraits I took while ze painted zir self-portrait/spirituality wall & two from Elizebeth's henna photoshoot! )

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )

These are the characters in the story of my life:
( from 2009 )

So I had the worst Christmas of my life (crying almost all day in rage and pain over the ex) BUT there was an incredibly beautiful gift that helped me get through it ♥ Ash had the amazing idea of contacting quite a few of my friends and asking them to send images that ze could use to make ornaments for me. Ze and S gave me little hints for like a week, and then the day before Christmas Eve, S lugged a tree up the stairs and they decorated it with the printed-out images and awesome ornaments made by Nikki from recycled (♥!) Christmas cards and various lovely little bits. Ash hasn't forwarded the emails yet so I am not sure who all participated, but S gave me two little black cats (in honor of 'Nika, whom ze refers to as "devil cat"), Anna sent me three GORGEOUS glass angel ornaments, Shel made a DARLING little felt star, Kate sent in a photo of zirself standing in the snow holding a Merry Christmas sign (eeeee!!!!!), Kay sent in three photos of zirself (eye, hands-in-a-heart, and face with a little sign that said "James!"), Kelley sent a photo of zirself making a hands-in-a-heart sign, and I know that SabR, Angie, Jess, Jen, Deb, Celina, Karen, Gayle, Anika, and several others participated but I am not sure who sent what. When I get the emails I will probably post the images ;-) Also Celina and Jen and Anna sent me Christmas cards ♥ I was so so so so touched by the idea and by all the people who participated, thank you so so so much loves. I so needed that and I will treasure my little handmade (and hand-chosen) ornaments forever! ♥ Also S is going to take the tree to be made into mulch later which makes me happier, no waste ♥ You are all so wonderful and I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE you, thank you so much ♥ *kisses*

Oh, and lil sis gave me an AMAZING delicate antique-looking metal pipe which has a decoration that looks like Cthulhu (to me) which I so totally intend to use, a glass leaf pendant (which I wear backwards to show off the swirly green), and pretty little paper scrolls. I love love love how those gifts are all so me! Oh, and the bioparents sent me some money so I bought myself Radiohead's "The Bends" and Dolores O'Riordan's "No Baggage" and Aqualung's "Strange and Beautiful" from the used CD store (pretty awesome finds, especially the new Dolores album!) :D

This has been a really awful, AWFUL week. I've been very sick (my throat was so swollen at one point that just trying to swallow a little water made me throw up, and it's sometimes been hard to breathe) and I very rarely get sick and tend to get really emotional about it anyway. And it was bad enough that I went to the doctor and then got medicine, which made me financially stressed because I've been trying to stay within the limit that my ex set as far as money goes, but that added a significant burden.

And my ex wanted the rest of my stuff out this week because zir girlfriend is moving in, so Friday Ash and S helped me gather it (thank God/dess for them because I couldn't have handled it alone). There was a cabinet full of wedding stuff and love letters and all the journals I wrote which were about 70% about the ex... and the journal I made for the ex which ze then dedicated to me and wrote to me in (which I took because ze doesn't give a shit or want any reminders of me). ( And it really hit me that we are actually over. )

Then today my ex calls me up and says "Happy Anniversary" because today would have been our 6th wedding anniversary. HOW FUCKING INAPPROPRIATE. And seriously, ze REALLY doesn't give a shit about 'losing' me because if ze did, there'd be at least a LITTLE sting to that for zir, right? It wouldn't be all haha-lollerskates. Then we talk about money (because that's the real point of every conversation we have) and ze starts telling me ( all kinds of negative, hurtful bullshit ) But in a way it's nice that ze's gone back on the seemingly-genuine apologies for being totally absent in my life and treating me like a nonentity, because now I know ze hasn't really changed and ze is not really offering everything I ever wanted to someone else.

( I really wish I'd fucked up more or given less effort )

I'm really angry. and heart-broken. and lonely. and in so much pain. It hurts to realize that I really have no one I can turn to for comfort, no one who I can trust to hold a safe space for me (I do have kind friends and that helps, but it's not the same as walking through the fire with me). Ze was never there for me anyway (I know that sounds like an exaggeration but it isn't), but I maintained the illusion that ze was and now even that is gone. I feel really hopeless and disconnected from life -- it feels like there is no promise, no glow. Winter is getting to me. Christmas is usually the bright spot in my winter, the joy that makes the dead season bearable -- but I have no money for a tree and no ability to get presents (and this would be the first time I didn't have to mail them all), so I feel like Christmas isn't coming for me this year. Right now it feels like there is nothing but grey and cold and loneliness stretching ahead of me.

Photos from the week of AWESOMENESS that was time with my lil sis ;-) Ze's so amazing, seriously. I feel so inspired by zir boldness -- I feel like I learned a lot through spending time with zir this time. When I grow up I wanna be more like zir!





( a TON of photos! )

ohmigod, Life. I seem to be having quite a few of these "life is too beautiful for words" moments/days lately.

( beautiful people and glorious moments! ) And this will all make more sense with photos I'm sure because right now it just looks like a pile of names, but I haven't edited any yet so oh well.

I'm so un-fucking-believably in love, and life just keeps showering me with more and more joy. I'm overflowing with happiness, I feel like I've had enough joy to keep me glowing for a week -- and I'm spending tomorrow with justben! we're going to the Big Trees Forest Preserve! If I don't post again for a while, it's because I got overwhelmed with joy to the point where I lost the ability to form sentences (or perhaps words). ♥! Don't worry, I'm sure it will wear off if that happens ;-)

Ash and I had a little flatwarming party this weekend which was oh-so-much fun! We had the brilliant idea of designating a wall for collaborative painting and everyone was so creative! it turned out BEAUTIFULLY -- it's going to be in-progress indefinitely but it's already so lovely I could just sit and stare at it. I was sure it would be fascinating but I didn't realize that it would be so gorgeous! So colorful! I can't wait to have others over to add to it (especially Sara and Greta and Nicole!). Davey and S and Ash added more the day after, so it's even more colorful and amazing now. I'll take an overall photo soon -- for now you get bits n pieces ;-)




( photos! by me, Shel, and Sakka )

Starred people are ones I missed getting photos of or got too-dark or too-blurry photos. :-p



( monday night with kitty sunglasses, Ben, Ash, Viv, Anita, Brandon, Saleena, and Greta* )

( PAGE meeting & Applebees with Saleena, Brigit, Ben, Josh, Paul, Ash, & Davey* )

( Shel's pink party, Sara's solo show, Shel's birthday maize maze tromp, Chastain Arts Festival with Ash & Ben )

This week has been crazily eventful. Last Wednesday Ben came over and we shared music -- ze introduced me to some of zir favorite groups (complete with pauses for explanation, which I LOVED because for me it adds so much to hear in a person's own words what is important) and then we listened to three Massive Attack albums while kissing and cuddling ♥ Thursday I was emotionally exhausted in a way I haven't been since the first time Aurilion came to visit, but fortunately I knew what was causing it so I felt oddly cheery about feeling crappy.

Friday I impulsively decided to go to a Hope Sandoval & The Warm Inventions concert with Ben, which was rather out of character for me because I prefer to get to know a band before seeing them live -- it really adds a lot for me to know the lyrics (and on first listen I can't 'hear' the lyrics because I'm too distracted by the overall sound). Ohhh, that was SO the right choice. I think I would have enjoyed it if I'd gone alone, but it wouldn't have been worth the cost and the drive. However, experiencing it with Ben was the most incredible musical experience I've ever had (except maybe for The Benjamin Gate's last concert) -- I cannot express the sense of living the music that we shared. I mean, I don't know how ze experienced it (except that afterward ze said ze felt drugged) but I felt like we merged with each other and the music and just breathed it, became extensions of it. I have stepped into music like that before, but doing it WITH someone is exponentially more intense, more beautiful. And if it was that incredible with music that didn't have great personal meaning to me, I can scarcely imagine how transcendent sharing a mutual favorite would be.

Saturday I went tromping through a corn maze for Shel's birthday, which was so fun (even though it was cold). I really love hanging out with Shel ♥ we so need to hang out more often! Later, Ash and I ( hung out with eviltwin )

Later (after we'd sobered up a bit), Ash and I sat in zir room and talked a bit and ( something profound happened )

Sunday Ash & Ben & I went to the Chastain Arts Festival (which had some truly incredible art), and then went to dinner with Nicole (where the food was yummy and Ash & Ben argued pretty fiercely about the evils/benefits of facebook), and then Ash went home and Ben & I had coffee and talked about various fascinating things. In particular we talked about the elements of 'good' poetry -- we almost agreed but not quite, as (if I understand zir correctly) ze feels that the more meaning a poem conveys and the more people it reaches, the better it is. I don't think that increases a poem's worth because to me, a poem's worth depends solely on the effort put into crafting it and how well it says what the poet meant to express (thus can only be rated meaningfully by its creator). I said that I'd read a poem in high school that struck me as quite ridiculously meaningless but created such a vivid picture in my mind, even to this day, and I feel like that makes it a successful poem (which is mere guesswork on my part -- it seems to me that the point was to create a picture in the reader's mind). I started to describe it and Ben quoted it to me because ze had been thinking of the same poem! This: ( by William Carlos Williams ) Then we watched "It Might Get Loud," a documentary about playing the electric guitar (focused on Jimmy Page, The Edge, and Jack White) in which the artists spoke about the heart of creation and mentioned a lot of the very same things we'd been talking about. That was quite fun ;-)

My life's been an explosion of change the past week; I moved out of my ex's place and in with Ash -- it had been sort of a vague possibility and all of a sudden it just happened. I'm still sort of reeling from that -- I think I was ready to move but at the same time, I had lived in that apartment for FIVE YEARS almost to the day, which is a very long time to me. It feels like a rebirth. I've gotten almost all settled (my altar isn't set up yet because I need a tall person's help to hang the curtain) and I feel rather in awe of my space. It's such a relief to have a space I can go that is entirely mine, where I can decorate however I want and do whatever I want without worrying about how it affects someone else. I hadn't realized just how much I edited out of concern for my ex -- I did it freely and don't regret it, but oh I'm enjoying just being free. And it's lovely to have Ash as my flatmate! I had anticipated it being more of an adjustment but it's been so comfortable to share space with zir, as if we'd already been doing it for ages.

I found out that I'm not going on the equality ride next spring, which is a huge disappointment to say the least. I'd really felt like this was the perfect time for it, but I suppose it wasn't because it's not happening. I would be more crushed but I'm choosing to have faith that it's not happening because there's something better for me. I'm feeling a little shakier about having moved further north because I'd put off moving to Atlanta mostly because I was planning on moving after the equality ride anyway. But then, the timing of my unplanned move and the rejection news makes me think it was meant to happen this way. And I feel like living with Ash is really important right now, though I couldn't say exactly why -- it just feels right. So I've started looking for a job in the area and should hopefully hear back from some people within the week. It's really bothering me to have to use my legal name but it would probably make a serious tangle to change it before the divorce so oh well.

Speaking of which, I've been thinking about asking everyone to call me James for a while, even those who do know me well... ( ambivalence )

And even moving, officially separating from my ex, shifting plans for life -- these things are petty compared to the emotional and spiritual changes going on with me right now. This connection I have with Ben feels like it's altering me radically and it's got me constantly spinning -- I feel like I'm in a transdimensional whirlwind and I have no idea where I'm going to end up or what I'm going to be when I get there. I've felt deeply moved by connections before, even like I was metamorphosing, but never like I was shifting so fast I couldn't mark the stages. I'm just letting it shift me, watching with my eyes as wide as they'll go, living this alchemy as fully as I can. And oh, so thrillingly ecstatically loving it.

So I run out but not away
shooting off sparks into the dark, out in the street
‘cause one day I am going to bloom
patient and proud
with fish in my mouth
and eyes in my wings
What kind of creature shall I be?
Midsummer Night's Dream -- Noe Venable

I find it so difficult to express what it's like to be with Ben, but it's almost all I want to talk about! It's so inCREDIBLE. I've been practicing openness as a focus of my life for about five years, and had it as a mutual focus in most of my relationships, so I thought I knew what openness felt like. Now I'm realizing that I'd only had little tastes: flashes or moments of complete mutual openness. My ex-partner and I had rare moments of it in sex or in prayer; Hannah and I had short stretches of it when we were both in happy, healthy places; Aurilion and I sort of had it when we focused on it, but it was shallower because ze simply didn't know much of zirself and therefore couldn't share much; Viv and I had it for those first two days when we met and have had moments of it since then; but I've NEVER experienced it in this sustained way. Every single second we touch or look at each other, we're connected intensely, completely, and it builds and builds to where I feel like I'm going to faint or cry because it's almost too much. I feel my own feelings and the reflections of zir feelings, so it's like I experience it twice at once! And for once it's not a struggle to have faith in the connection, because it IS sustained and while I can doubt a moment or a flash, I can't doubt hours on end. It's just so unequivocally THERE. And not only does it build while we're spending time together, but it feels like each time we see each other, it's stronger.

in perfect stillness
we flow into each other;
there's no space between

I'm so utterly wide-eyed in wonder over this... and thinking, if those little moments I'd had before created such ripples in my life, what is this doing and what is it going to do? ( how it feels )

In other news, Ash was quite offended at being put in a bulleted post that included a complaint about my ex and demanded zir own post but I don't respond well to demands so you get put in a Ben post, howd'yalikethatASH??? But I'm actually moving in with zir! Tomorrow the books 'n' furniture are going and then I'm going to collect the bits and pieces and then, and THEN, I'm going to have MY OWN SPACE for the first time in almost 6 years!!! I cannnnnnnot wait! And I'm pretty excited about having Ash as a flatmate too, because ze's my kin (not blood-kin but kin in the way that matters) and I think that it's going to be lovely to bond more with zir. And I think we'll work well as flatmates because we enjoy sharing but also are pretty good at recognizing our boundaries and communicating them. And our flat is so beautiful and peaceful -- and when I walked into my room at 6pm, I fell to my knees in delight because it was SO FULL OF LIGHT. But I refuse to take share any photos until I have my new room all set up :-p

I am so deeply grateful to have found people who live nearby whom I connect with and who are honest and open and loving and complex ♥ This is something I've yearned for for so many years and I can't even express the intensity of my gratitude for each person. Ash & Viv & Ben & Shel & Saleena & Nicole and and and... I mean, most of the friendships are still in beginning stages but there's already that sense of belonging -- the only time I've ever felt anything like this before was when I was living with the Wynnes and they made me part of the family, and even that wasn't this amazing. It feels like home. It makes me feel safe without feeling bound. It makes me free to be more fully myself.

I just looked back through my LJ to see the timeline on this... ( affirmations I've used and how/when they've worked )

And you know, I first started 'affirming' a local group of friends in March of 2008, but shortly after I began using that affirmation I fell in love with Hannah and Aurilion and stopped saying the affirmation because I felt that I had all the wonder I could handle. And then it seems I forgot about it or lost faith in it and didn't start again until the beginning of 2009, when I decided what the hell, it couldn't hurt. I want to remind myself that this fucking WORKS. I don't care how -- if it's just that it helps me to focus and pay attention more and discover what would have been there anyway, that's magic enough for me. But I believe that gratitude mixed with intention and focus opens up possibility that would not have otherwise existed. Especially since Ash has been affirming unlikely things and having them happen -- it's just as amazing to see it happen in someone else's life.

Words are so powerful. What I say, I hear. What I hear over and over, I believe. What I believe, I live.

catching up on photosharing... these are all from before I went to San Francisco.



( two of Ash & me! )

( August 14th -- Viv and I went out to coffee before meeting up with Viv's friends Alex & Stian for Alex's birthday celebration. )

( August 16th -- out with Ash & lil sis & Viv at justben's birthday dinner! )

( August 17th -- seeing Other Lives and Bat For Lashes with Viv )

( Aug 30th -- Rebecca's baby shower )

So, for the past few years, I've spent a good chunk of summer in high-speed growth -- when Hannah visited or when I visited Hannah. This year that wasn't to be, and I wondered what it would be like to have a summer unmarked by such a time; I still won't know, because these past few weeks have been just as high-speed. I've been running headlong and just barely pulling my feet up fast enough not to fall on my face.

There's just so much that has happened that I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll try and put things in order and then go back and explain bits: ( boring list, just for my own reference )

So, first of all, I'm used to going out three or MAYBE four times a week. I'm pretty much 50/50 introvert/extrovert, and I need my alone time as much as I need my time with others. ( ... )

Also, looking back over this, a lot of the things I've done would have absolutely TERRIFIED the me of three months ago. I'm kinda amazed at myself. I fucking DANCED IN PUBLIC (which I've done before, but not WITH someone, which is a lot scarier to me). I got drunk! I went to a leather bar! I drove in Atlanta quite a few times! I hung out with people who seem intimidatingly cool, and (mostly) wasn't intimidated (heh). I know these things are probably not scary to most people but they certainly were to me. I think there is something behind that (besides the whole recovering-from-social-anxiety thing) -- they're things that I've always thought of as stuff that the 'cool' people do (referring to social status) and I expect rejection because I'm not one of that group. And I stress myself out because I feel like I have to pretend to be something that I'm not. But I think when I'm with Viv it's easier, because ze doesn't ever pretend, ze just is, so I feel like I have permission to be my uncool self even in a 'cool' setting. I kinda hope that the day comes where I am comfortable enough to be publicly uncool all by myself. I'm not there yet but I feel like this is movement towards it, because I'm losing my fear of people-I-admire. (I've never cared about the opinion of most people, but if I admire someone a lot I get painfully self-conscious and sometimes even self-loathing if I can't tell what they think of me)

And you know, I think that I've had these taboos against doing things which I labeled as 'cool.' Some people won't leave the house without being smartly dressed and groomed because to do so would be a violation of their self-image as a person who is always put-together. I've felt that way about doing things like going to clubs/bars/parties and/or drinking because my self-image is a person who Does Not Fit in those places and also Does Not Act Stupid. And I think it's fine to avoid those things if I genuinely don't enjoy them, but to avoid them out of a taboo is limiting. And I do enjoy them, to an extent. When I got drunk, I felt stupid but I also felt expansive and connected. I can feel those things without drinking, of course, but it's interesting to feel them among others who maybe don't have another way of feeling expansive and connected. I think that was what I enjoyed most about the experience, actually -- the sort of breaking down of boundaries among strangers, which I've only felt before at Christian festivals/retreats. I hadn't imagined that there could be something transcendent about getting a little drunk and dancing with strangers, but it felt that way to me, somewhat. It was lovely to feel openness and connectedness among people whom I'd usually feel vast worlds apart from.

( two affirming experiences in one night! )

( Other Lives & Bat For Lashes in concert )

I still have a lot to write about -- developments in my relationships with Viv, lil sis, Ash, B, and eviltwin, but since that will probably be as long as what I've already written I'll break it into another post.

photos now, words later ;-)

This set is from July 17th, when Viv and I went and got new guitar strings and then ze played for Mare & me & a neighbor who happened by.



( Viv playing guitar )

( lil sis & Ash & I out for coffee & then out with Thursday pagan group )

( to clay cafe pagan meeting w Ash, Viv, & Stuart )

( Viv & Ash & I go out to Le Buzz )

( August 9th we had a lazy morning and I got to take photos of Viv's eyes ♥ )

Sunday I went to Ash's wedding! It turned out to be a lovely day; witnessed an inspiring ceremony, spent charming time with Anna (camilleyun) for the first time in person (after knowing zir for many years online), visited GORGEOUS river & woods, and had many interesting conversations. I rode with elya (my partner's twin) and Miss K (my partner's parent) on the way to the falls after the ceremony and we had a fascinating conversation about how we define our morals and what our core values are (which is something I want to post on! feel free to guess my top 5 values :D). Then at the falls Anna and I sat in the shade (because I came completely unprepared for water or sun or slippery rocks) and talked about the nature of communication and connection. It was a really encouraging conversation and I felt really at home with Anna; I look forward to meeting up again ♥ Eventually those attempting to heat the grill admitted defeat and we headed back to Ash's to FINALLY have some food. There, Wolf and I had a really fascinating conversation about intellectual and spiritual responsibility and our slightly-different-but-still-agreeing views on the use of 'force' (manipulation, authoritative behavior), and then Ash and Stuart and Wolf discussed the balance of marriage (and I piped in every now and then). It was really great to spend more time with Nikki and Wolf, especially Wolf because I realized that while zir language can be very gendered, ze doesn't actually believe in most of the sexist concepts that zir language would seem to imply (I'm not talking about rude stuff -- I'm talking about phrases like "guy talk" or "you know women and shoes"). So while it still makes me twitch a bit, it doesn't bother me like it would otherwise. And when I say something contradictory in response ze doesn't get defensive or annoyed, so I don't feel like I need to bite my tongue all the time. And I just really enjoy zir company! Ze's one of the most warm and open-minded (yet stubborn! a rare combo which I enjoy :D) people I've ever met.

The whole group just had such a great dynamic! Next time I want to add in Viv, Sara, Shel, Ryan, Kat K, and maybe one or two others -- I actually have local people who I'd call FRIENDS. How fucking insanely fantastic is that???



( many photos! )

SO, Saturday Ash, Alivia, and I went to a drag show! (the Mr. & Mrs. YouthPride Pageant) :D It was a little more... objectifying than I was hoping for, but not so much that it kept me from enjoying it. People did come up to tip the performers but they didn't poke it into their clothes, and the tips went towards YouthPride (the organization that held the pageant). Apparently the performers had been told not to dress scantily (since it was a youth event) but some of them didn't listen :-p

The main reason I went was that Viv was participating :D I liked zir view of drag -- how it's a way of showing that gender is something one performs, not something one is. But if there isn't at least one genderqueer* or genderfree* person performing, I don't think I'd want to go to drag shows in general because if no one fucks with it and everyone does it the same way, I don't really see it as any more progressive than if the people on stage were born male wearing 'male' clothes or vice versa.

*For me, the term genderqueer does not work because I feel like it implies inherent gender rather than socialized gender (even though it actually doesn't), but I was delighted to realize that it can mean essentially the same thing as genderfree. Genderqueer means rejecting gender norms for oneself; genderfree means rejecting the whole structure of gender. I had thought that being genderqueer meant approving of stereotyped roles in general while rejecting them for oneself; actually, it simply makes no comment on the roles except in how the particular person expresses zirself. So genderfree is a subset of genderqueer :D



( photos! :D )

The cuddle party was amazing! I can't use names because of the confidentiality agreement, so I'll use numbers :D I gave person 1 a backrub; gave person 2 a temples-forehead rub; got a foot massage from person 3; listened to poetry by person 4, danced with person 5 and stroked zir hair; rubbed the arm and back of person 6; exchanged backrubs, held hands, gave a hand massage to, and shared lengthy hugs with person 7; cuddled, held hands with, stroked arms and side, and finger-painted (minus paint) the face of person 8; spooned with person 7 and 8; gave hugs to quite a few others; and puppy-piled & circle-hugged with everyone.

I believe there's an energy exchange involved in touch -- I first realized this when I was massaging a person with MS, and I picked up some of the energy from the disease (I'm assuming, it could have been something else), which overwhelmed me to the point where I had to go in the other room and lay down on the floor (couldn't even make it to the bed), with my ears buzzing so much I couldn't hear, way too dizzy to move. That shook me up! I was a little cautious about touching the head of person 2 (because touching the head/face is the strongest energy exchange) but I felt nothing negative from it (though it could have contributed to my needing alone, grounding time after the party). Person 5 shared strawberry-sweet energy with me when we danced, and when person 7 rubbed my back I felt heat like I've only felt from a skilled energy healer before! Cuddling with person 8 felt like home and flying. Next time I hope to cuddle with new people (though if 7 and 8 are there I will probably spend a lot of time with them again).

My favorite aspect (besides the touch itself) was the asking and answering of questions ( ... )

It's interesting how breakups motivate me. I suppose when I'm in a relationship, I put more and more energy into it without noticing it, and then when the breakup happens I suddenly realize I have all this energy with no demands on it. Last time I went through a major breakup (with a friend) it lead to a sudden drop in my fear, and this time it has had the same effect. I've been doing things that would have taken so much energy and courage before, and doing them without even thinking twice.

I mentioned how it was difficult for me to go to the pagan meeting last month -- since then I've been out with strangers and/or to new places several times, with less anxiety each time.

( druidic Beltaine ritual )

( borderPagans meetings )

( to the book sale with Ash )

( to the drum circle with Kat K and zir friend Pat, meeting Shel & Ryan )

I've lived in and around this area for the past six years, but have never really put down roots in a community sense (with the land, I am rooted). That's starting to change but before I go into that I want to explore the reasons that it hasn't happened before.

( the history )

After going through the hard parts of recovery (the agoraphobia/paranoia), it became really difficult for me to be around people. I'm not sure why -- maybe because part of me opened up and I sensed things that I had been closed to before -- but it really drained me, no matter how much I liked the person. To put it another way, being around a person took 100 points of energy, but most interactions only gave me about 30 points of energy. So unless it was a truly miraculous meeting, one where absolutely EVERYTHING clicked and I felt that the person and I had mutual affection, trust, understanding, and motivations AND felt sure that we were building a relationship which would last (an experience that most people would describe as 'meeting your soulmate'), it ended up draining me a lot and making it an experience that I feared and dreaded, even though it WAS enjoyable. (even the miraculous meetings drained me, just not as much) So in 2007 when I was looking for new local friends I would meet someone and it would be fun, but it would drain me and I just wouldn't feel like it was worth the effort of doing again.

But 2008 changed that. While being flooded with so much energy from all the miraculous happenings of that year, a void in me that had existed for as long as I can remember was finally filled and I was able to learn how to better use that energy. It's like I was growing in drought for so long, and then I finally had a fully nourishing year -- now I have a much more effective root system and can draw water in even though I am in a mild drought again. And now it only takes me 50 points of energy to be around a person, so I can enjoy interactions that are just good or great (not miraculous) without feeling utterly drained afterward. (usually there is still a gap which makes it more draining than nourishing (since I find sexism very draining and almost everyone is sexist), but it's a small gap now and I can pretty easily make up for it)

It was a really big deal for me to go to the pagan meeting a few weeks ago -- to go out alone to a new place, at night, where I would know only one person, and knew that I would be driving home alone in the cold and dark through a part of town that I'm not familiar with. And it was a little scary, but not terrifying, and it took effort, but not a debilitating amount -- and I felt REFRESHED afterward rather than drained. It was an even BIGGER deal for me to go to the drum circle -- because I invited two people (one a near-stranger), organized it, and followed through, including driving to a new place, EVEN THOUGH I didn't feel good. It used to be that I would want to do something, but wouldn't make plans -- and then when I did make plans, would stress out so much that I got physically ill and then used that as a reason to back out. This time I went through with it even though I was on the first day of my period (when I usually never leave the house). And that was life-alteringly wonderful!

I'm so thrilled that these things don't take SO MUCH from me nowadays. (it's still difficult -- still a stretch -- but not prohibitively so) Even if I end up transplanted soon, I'm going to put down some community roots here, because I can, finally, and because I will be back.

When we were out last Saturday, Kat K suggested I might be an "Indigo" after I spoke about something intuitive/precognitive (can't remember what it was now). I responded by saying that I believe everyone has intuition, and both Ash and Kat K disagreed. I've been thinking about it since then.

I absolutely DO NOT believe in "indigo" "crystal" "rainbow" or super-psychic children, or more accurately, I don't believe those things are inborn traits of certain special people, but that they are traits which ALL human beings have the potential for. Most people simply refuse to believe in or develop them -- despite experiencing aspects such as déjà vu (sometimes that's just remembering a similar situation, but sometimes it is remembering an important aspect of your life purpose, which I believe you knew before birth), precognitive dreams, a 'bad feeling' or a 'good feeling' or an urge to contact someone or knowing who is calling before you look at the phone or other things that are not considered aspects of intuition/psychic ability even though they are. The only children who are not "indigo" or "crystal" are those who have already been stamped into hiding those qualities -- through parents or peers who repress them. No child is born without these gifts, and no adult lacks the ability to draw them out and develop them. ( the traits are not appearing for the first time; they are being recognized and appreciated for the first time )

I am wholeheartedly and fiercely equalist in spiritual matters as in everything else. Every single person is just as gifted as everyone else. I think believing in special gifts for a select group is elitist and serves to cause those who believe themselves to be 'gifted' to be lazy, as they feel they were born with their gifts and don't need to develop themselves, and it causes those who don't believe themselves to be 'gifted' to feel helpless and not bother to develop themselves because they think it has no point. Believing that traits are inborn rather than self-created causes people to stagnate.

I do understand the draw of the concept -- it is wonderful to feel part of a group, especially part of a group that is better than everyone else. But like all exclusionary groups, it divides more than it draws together. Instead of feeling a kinship with the whole world, a person who believes themselves to be "Indigo" feels a kinship with other "Indigos" and feels no kinship or a lesser kinship with the rest of humankind (or sees them as 'less evolved' and in need of guidance by the more-evolved "Indigos"). It's natural to be more drawn to people who are like you -- but deciding this on a group basis rather than an individual basis is discriminatory.