So I made a second journal -- belbabble -- mainly to house my tweets (under lj-cuts) because I've made some very interesting (to me) little snippets before and they're gone now so I wanna start saving them but I don't want them cluttering up my REAL journal. (feel free to add that LJ if you want, but I don't promise anything interesting) I might also use that LJ to post bits of conversation or links or thought-seeds which aren't developed enough for here. I'm not sure yet on that, but I have been SO blathery lately that it may actually happen. It's weird, I thought that being busier would lead to me not posting but it seems to have the opposite effect. I wish I was better at responding to comments though; I gotta figure out how to change that without sending myself into a spiral of guilty avoidance. I absolutely do read and value everything y'all say, and feel so honored to be able to read the amazing thoughts you share in your own journals.

( And I have two cool stories to share, with my hairdresser and with a random customer :D )

God/dess I love people! Being a barista at an independent coffeehouse (in a racially/culturally diverse area) really is my dream job, almost as much as counseling. Or maybe bartending, that would be freaking AWESOME. I want to talk to strangers all day long and bring them even just a little bit of joy or inspiration.

Ohh, and last week Sakka mentioned a story of healing and it reminded me of an experience I had at age 13. I went over to a couple's house to do some sort of cleaning/organizing work but just a little bit after I arrived the woman (who was pregnant) started experiencing a lot of pain, and got very worried. I asked if it would be okay if I laid hands on zir belly and prayed for zir, and ze said yes. When I did, the pain subsided. They still called my parents to get me and went to the hospital to get checked out, but they credited my prayers with healing power (I forget what ended up being the problem) and I remember that was such an intense experience for me. I was so calm and full of faith -- I had NO DOUBT. I don't know if my prayers actually changed something physical or if the panic was causing the pain and my prayers gave zir enough faith to be calm, but whichever, I do consider it a miracle. I miss being that sure that I could call on Deity and always get instant help. I've been rebuilding my faith for a long time now but it's not yet as strong as it was when I was a child.

I honestly feel a little sad sometimes because I can't imagine anyone ever falling as in love with me as I am. I find myself so damn adorable. I'll start dancing in the silliest way or singing something completely ridiculous like "and now it's time for soup, oh nicey-nice soup, you're food to be eaten, it's good" (half stolen, if you recognize it you get 88 awesome points; I so relate to that character) and then hear myself and am totally charmed and giggle at myself for a full minute. And I re-read my own LJ and think it's the most beautiful thing ever (content and design), and look at photos I've taken and feel awe, and admire the way I find ingenious ways to make things more useful or more beautiful. And every time I see myself in the mirror I check myself out and smirk lustily and often exclaim "oh my God, I'm so fucking hot!" complete with running my hands over my outline. But then, I'm good at falling in love. It's my Talent :D I notice things that are unique about a person and am utterly charmed by them, especially the littlest things like the way a person pushes back zir hair or specific phrases ze likes to say or how ze behaves 'at rest' or the way ze moves zir mouth when ze talks. I do this with all people, including those I'm not even close to (it's just way amped up with those people because I watch them greedily, in recognition that every moment of their presence is an honor). I really and truly (Nea's phrase, hee) believe that everyone is incredible and if you can just see them fully, you can't help but be in love. I suppose it makes sense then that I am the one who loves me the most, because I know myself the most. ;-) Oh well, y'all can just love me second best *giggles* If I have one person to know/love me most, I think I want it to be the one I have to spend every moment with :D GOD I LOVE ME.

I really love people so much. It's odd to think about because I HATE social structure and am disgusted by most of the things the general population believes -- but as individuals I still love people. How I can manage to be so jaded and angry and yet hopeful and adoring at the same time is a little baffling to me. I get so angry about social things and yet people individually doing the same damn things makes me laugh and shake my head. I suppose on the individual level what stands out most to me is how trapped and confined people are (which inspires empathy), but when looking at society as a whole what stands out to me is how cruel and oppressive people are (which evokes anger).

( reactions to my name, and finally finding a short way to explain it! )

this is what happens when I have live batteries!

yay new icons!

( photos of Kanika's boyfriend, the coffeehouse, the green couch, and myself at the park )

this is what happens when I have live batteries!

yay new icons!

( photos of Kanika's boyfriend, the coffeehouse, the green couch, and myself at the park )

A lady in (seemingly) her mid-forties was buying clothes. She laughed and seemed to apologize, saying that her clothes no longer fit, pulling at her waistband. That's such a BIG deal to so many people. The media just brainwashes you into believing in the power of numbers (my pastor once went off on a rant about how numbers in general are how satan operates -- God works in the indefinables, and considers each person a name, not a number. I'm taking that waaaaaaaay out of context, but it rang very true with me despite it's seeming silliness. God didn't tell Adam and Eve to count the animals, after all, but to name them.). I wanted so much to say something along the lines of, "Your body is supposed to change and fluctuate, we are not static creatures, and change is positive," but of course THEN I didn't have it all thought out, and I couldn't think of the right way to say it to make it seem positive to her. It is perfectly natural and beautiful for your body to change as you age, but even saying 'as you age' would be taken as an insult by a lot of women. I do not fear age. I really really don't. I hate that women allow themselves to be pressured into believing that they are supposed to stay 15 forever. We are WOMEN, not eternal children, we mature and grow. We are flexible, shifting BEINGS, not concrete objects. Age means more experience and hopefully more wisdom! There is nothing 'shameful' about it, it's like getting your degree in life. It's an honor.

Another lady was overweight but so lovely, she just had such dainty, sweet, pretty facial features and such a gentle, kind spirit. So I debated and struggled within myself because I wasn't sure what to say and there was a (stereotypically attractive) girl standing within hearing range, and for whatever reason that made me shy -- and then as I handed her receipt to her I just blurted out, "I think when you think something nice about someone you should say it, so I think you are very pretty." Clumsyclumsy and then I got all flustered and embarrassed when she said, "Well thank you, I don't feel it right now. . . Thank you." and my mind went spinning in a million directions and my heart was pounding as I tried to think of the best way to help her believe, and of course it wasn't until after she left that I realized I should have said, "Well, I said it because I truly meant it." dammit! Hopefully it sunk in anyway.

The other day I was closing down my drawer when Debra, a new manager, came over and asked if someone was coming to replace me. I said no and she nodded and started to move off hesitantly, but on impulse I stopped her and said, "I don't think we've met, I'm Krista." (which I never do, and don't know why I did it then) We shook hands (she over-squeezed, heh, like I used to do to prove I had more power than the other person) and she said that she was sure we had met somewhere before, but I was equally sure that we hadn't. But then it occurred to me that she may have seen me at church, so I asked if she went to church. She said she did, but just moved to the area and hadn't found one yet, so I invited her to mine. She said, "really?" and then she had to go do manager things but she said we'll talk later. I think that when you meet someone and feel strongly like you know them, but you haven't actually met them or known someone who looked a lot like them, then that is a sign that you were friends in heaven before birth (I still haven't posted my beliefs on that, but hopefully I will soon). Me reaching out to her without even thinking about it makes it even more likely.

Then today when I went on break, she happened to be in the break room and she stopped me and asked if I was going to be in the fashion show tomorrow morning. I said I hadn't heard anything about it and she said "nobody asked you?" in this appalled tone, which almost made me giggle (and made me a little embarrassed to not have been asked, WTF is that?). Then she told me about it, kinda stumblingly because she'd been at work for 13 hours (she said) and was exhausted. I asked if she was going to do it and she said she was, and I told her that I might be going to the Rennaisance Festival tomorrow, but if I didn't, I'd probably do the fashion show.

I am wary of work friendships because I want to be utterly honest in my friendships and I can't with work friends because I do not want work to know about the fact that I model nude. Bah. But then, Debra doesn't strike me as a gossipy person at ALL, so who knows?

I also, on impulse, went up to Ansley and told her that I think she just has such a bright, wonderful sweet spirit and I really admire that. She said "thank you so much, I needed to hear that. It's been a long day" (paraphrased).

I love how I am learning to believe in my instincts!
P.S. THANK YOU for all of the awesome questions!!!!! You're really making me think. Eventually I want to post answers to all of them. If you didn't give me a question, here's a second chance. ;-)

A lady in (seemingly) her mid-forties was buying clothes. She laughed and seemed to apologize, saying that her clothes no longer fit, pulling at her waistband. That's such a BIG deal to so many people. The media just brainwashes you into believing in the power of numbers (my pastor once went off on a rant about how numbers in general are how satan operates -- God works in the indefinables, and considers each person a name, not a number. I'm taking that waaaaaaaay out of context, but it rang very true with me despite it's seeming silliness. God didn't tell Adam and Eve to count the animals, after all, but to name them.). I wanted so much to say something along the lines of, "Your body is supposed to change and fluctuate, we are not static creatures, and change is positive," but of course THEN I didn't have it all thought out, and I couldn't think of the right way to say it to make it seem positive to her. It is perfectly natural and beautiful for your body to change as you age, but even saying 'as you age' would be taken as an insult by a lot of women. I do not fear age. I really really don't. I hate that women allow themselves to be pressured into believing that they are supposed to stay 15 forever. We are WOMEN, not eternal children, we mature and grow. We are flexible, shifting BEINGS, not concrete objects. Age means more experience and hopefully more wisdom! There is nothing 'shameful' about it, it's like getting your degree in life. It's an honor.

Another lady was overweight but so lovely, she just had such dainty, sweet, pretty facial features and such a gentle, kind spirit. So I debated and struggled within myself because I wasn't sure what to say and there was a (stereotypically attractive) girl standing within hearing range, and for whatever reason that made me shy -- and then as I handed her receipt to her I just blurted out, "I think when you think something nice about someone you should say it, so I think you are very pretty." Clumsyclumsy and then I got all flustered and embarrassed when she said, "Well thank you, I don't feel it right now. . . Thank you." and my mind went spinning in a million directions and my heart was pounding as I tried to think of the best way to help her believe, and of course it wasn't until after she left that I realized I should have said, "Well, I said it because I truly meant it." dammit! Hopefully it sunk in anyway.

The other day I was closing down my drawer when Debra, a new manager, came over and asked if someone was coming to replace me. I said no and she nodded and started to move off hesitantly, but on impulse I stopped her and said, "I don't think we've met, I'm Krista." (which I never do, and don't know why I did it then) We shook hands (she over-squeezed, heh, like I used to do to prove I had more power than the other person) and she said that she was sure we had met somewhere before, but I was equally sure that we hadn't. But then it occurred to me that she may have seen me at church, so I asked if she went to church. She said she did, but just moved to the area and hadn't found one yet, so I invited her to mine. She said, "really?" and then she had to go do manager things but she said we'll talk later. I think that when you meet someone and feel strongly like you know them, but you haven't actually met them or known someone who looked a lot like them, then that is a sign that you were friends in heaven before birth (I still haven't posted my beliefs on that, but hopefully I will soon). Me reaching out to her without even thinking about it makes it even more likely.

Then today when I went on break, she happened to be in the break room and she stopped me and asked if I was going to be in the fashion show tomorrow morning. I said I hadn't heard anything about it and she said "nobody asked you?" in this appalled tone, which almost made me giggle (and made me a little embarrassed to not have been asked, WTF is that?). Then she told me about it, kinda stumblingly because she'd been at work for 13 hours (she said) and was exhausted. I asked if she was going to do it and she said she was, and I told her that I might be going to the Rennaisance Festival tomorrow, but if I didn't, I'd probably do the fashion show.

I am wary of work friendships because I want to be utterly honest in my friendships and I can't with work friends because I do not want work to know about the fact that I model nude. Bah. But then, Debra doesn't strike me as a gossipy person at ALL, so who knows?

I also, on impulse, went up to Ansley and told her that I think she just has such a bright, wonderful sweet spirit and I really admire that. She said "thank you so much, I needed to hear that. It's been a long day" (paraphrased).

I love how I am learning to believe in my instincts!
P.S. THANK YOU for all of the awesome questions!!!!! You're really making me think. Eventually I want to post answers to all of them. If you didn't give me a question, here's a second chance. ;-)

You know when you're so in love with someone that your conversation is peppered with random 'I love you's just because you feel it so much you can't help but say it? And the other person says it back with just as much feeling and then you both sigh in contentment and smile quietly for a bit? I have TWO people like that in my life right now. I am the most blessed person ever. I know I would have chosen this life -- with all the shit too, yes ALL of it. I wish I had known that I had this to look forward to when I was in my darkest hours. I think it would have made a difference. But hey, I'm still here, so it doesn't really matter.

"Perfect love casts out fear" -- I am living that right now. I have love, true forever love, from the two most amazing people I have ever met, and it is casting out my fear. It no longer matters nearly so much to me that some people whom I love might think ill of me (I'm not perfect, it still matters -- but it no longer paralyses me), because I know that I can count on Ben and Hannah to see me for who I really am. Most friendships end. It seems that nearly all of my closest friendships are crashing down around my ears... Rebecca, Anika, Kaylene (although thank God, that was a friendly parting), and possibly Allison. I just sent her an email because I want to know if she wants to continue a friendship with me or not... I just can't tell. She could just be too busy... but if not, I want to know. If she's gotten all she can from our friendship and is ready to move on, I want to be able to gather my heart back to myself. She's still very important to me (always will be), and emotionally I feel like I am circling in the air, unable to land. I am okay with landing on either side, but I just can't fly any more. I feel like I am living in denial and I refuse to do that.

A few years ago I wouldn't have thought it was possible to be sad and so happy at the same time. I am still mourning Anika, though in a healthy way now. I can actually think about the fact that she's pregnant without wanting to cry over the fact that I won't be "Aunt Bel" or anything at all to that beautiful little girl (for whatever reason I am completely sure that it's a girl). It still saddens me but it doesn't rip me to shreds. I'm detatching, healing. And I know that a large part of the credit goes to all of you who offered me such wonderful support, in particular Sidhe, Mary Beth, and Kevloid. Thank you loves. And by the way, I'm not going to go back and respond to those comments individually, but know that I deeply value every caring word and the time taken to write them. I just feel like responding to them would drag me back into those feelings, and I want to move on.

-------------

I had a weird experience today at work -- this woman came through my line and just pissed me off. Usually the most a person can get out of me is irritation, but I was downright furious. And she wasn't even rude in tone or action -- just in her attitude. It was so incredibly disrespectful that I wanted to throw her stuff on the floor and scream at her to get the fuck away from me, and away from every human. Her attitude seemed to say, "humans are all worthless shit." I've never had such a strong reaction to such an indefinable thing -- there was something evil with her. I've been treated like a servant before -- this was different, far worse. And she had a kid! *shudder*

Fortunately, two customers later I got a customer who mentioned that I had checked him out before and said that I was always so smiley and friendly, and that gave me such a burst of positivity that it wiped off the other experience. I felt bad for not remembering him, but then with hundreds of customers a week it's really impossible.

And that reminds me! About a week ago, I checked out one lady who was just so fun. She started talking about these organic cookies that she loves and had to open, and eventually insisted that I have one (I protested, "but my hands are dirty!" but she insisted) -- it was quite yum. She complimented me on my bagging, my friendliness, the fact that I checked her ID for the alcohol and for her credit card, and the fact that I double-checked the turnstile to make sure she got all of her bags, and as she signed, she asked if I could call my manager up. Polly was actually on the register right in front of me, so I said, 'that's actually her right there' and pointed. She told me "You made it a joy" (!!!) and then went over to Polly and sang my praises to her. Polly agreed with her enthusiastically. ;-D I was blushing like crazy, but so pleased. I don't think the lady realized that part of the reason she was so delighted was because she wanted to be. She made it a joy for me, too! I love people who look for joy. ♥

You know when you're so in love with someone that your conversation is peppered with random 'I love you's just because you feel it so much you can't help but say it? And the other person says it back with just as much feeling and then you both sigh in contentment and smile quietly for a bit? I have TWO people like that in my life right now. I am the most blessed person ever. I know I would have chosen this life -- with all the shit too, yes ALL of it. I wish I had known that I had this to look forward to when I was in my darkest hours. I think it would have made a difference. But hey, I'm still here, so it doesn't really matter.

"Perfect love casts out fear" -- I am living that right now. I have love, true forever love, from the two most amazing people I have ever met, and it is casting out my fear. It no longer matters nearly so much to me that some people whom I love might think ill of me (I'm not perfect, it still matters -- but it no longer paralyses me), because I know that I can count on Ben and Hannah to see me for who I really am. Most friendships end. It seems that nearly all of my closest friendships are crashing down around my ears... Rebecca, Anika, Kaylene (although thank God, that was a friendly parting), and possibly Allison. I just sent her an email because I want to know if she wants to continue a friendship with me or not... I just can't tell. She could just be too busy... but if not, I want to know. If she's gotten all she can from our friendship and is ready to move on, I want to be able to gather my heart back to myself. She's still very important to me (always will be), and emotionally I feel like I am circling in the air, unable to land. I am okay with landing on either side, but I just can't fly any more. I feel like I am living in denial and I refuse to do that.

A few years ago I wouldn't have thought it was possible to be sad and so happy at the same time. I am still mourning Anika, though in a healthy way now. I can actually think about the fact that she's pregnant without wanting to cry over the fact that I won't be "Aunt Bel" or anything at all to that beautiful little girl (for whatever reason I am completely sure that it's a girl). It still saddens me but it doesn't rip me to shreds. I'm detatching, healing. And I know that a large part of the credit goes to all of you who offered me such wonderful support, in particular Sidhe, Mary Beth, and Kevloid. Thank you loves. And by the way, I'm not going to go back and respond to those comments individually, but know that I deeply value every caring word and the time taken to write them. I just feel like responding to them would drag me back into those feelings, and I want to move on.

-------------

I had a weird experience today at work -- this woman came through my line and just pissed me off. Usually the most a person can get out of me is irritation, but I was downright furious. And she wasn't even rude in tone or action -- just in her attitude. It was so incredibly disrespectful that I wanted to throw her stuff on the floor and scream at her to get the fuck away from me, and away from every human. Her attitude seemed to say, "humans are all worthless shit." I've never had such a strong reaction to such an indefinable thing -- there was something evil with her. I've been treated like a servant before -- this was different, far worse. And she had a kid! *shudder*

Fortunately, two customers later I got a customer who mentioned that I had checked him out before and said that I was always so smiley and friendly, and that gave me such a burst of positivity that it wiped off the other experience. I felt bad for not remembering him, but then with hundreds of customers a week it's really impossible.

And that reminds me! About a week ago, I checked out one lady who was just so fun. She started talking about these organic cookies that she loves and had to open, and eventually insisted that I have one (I protested, "but my hands are dirty!" but she insisted) -- it was quite yum. She complimented me on my bagging, my friendliness, the fact that I checked her ID for the alcohol and for her credit card, and the fact that I double-checked the turnstile to make sure she got all of her bags, and as she signed, she asked if I could call my manager up. Polly was actually on the register right in front of me, so I said, 'that's actually her right there' and pointed. She told me "You made it a joy" (!!!) and then went over to Polly and sang my praises to her. Polly agreed with her enthusiastically. ;-D I was blushing like crazy, but so pleased. I don't think the lady realized that part of the reason she was so delighted was because she wanted to be. She made it a joy for me, too! I love people who look for joy. ♥

oooh, I'm in one of those achy-angry-furious-depressed-lonely-crazy-happy-distraught moods right now. Mainly sad.

Earlier today I got overwhelmed as I was getting ready for work, had nausea that I mastered (I'm so proud of myself for that -- my emotions didn't take over my body this time) and cried so hard I couldn't see as I put my uniform on and brushed my hair, cryingsobbingweeping as I walked out to the car (Ben drove me to work), struggled to compose myself as I walked in, stared at the floor all the way until I put my till in the drawer. Dani was at the register across from me and Shamaila was at the next one up, and they came over as I set stuff up (it was slow, very few customers) and talked, teasingly, about this and that. Shamaila asked me, "So did you have fun last night?" and Dani spoke up before I could answer and asked, "What was last night?" (I'm giggling at this point because between the question and the look on Shamaila's face, it sounded kinda dirty) and I told her that I went over to Shamaila's house last night. I forget how the conversation wound to it, but Shamaila told Dani that she knew me better, and Dani said, "Oh yeah? did she take you to the tea place?" and Shamaila said "Yes!" all defensively and Dani said, "hah! It's a coffee place, I said it that way to trick you!" Then Shamaila pretended to know what she was talking about, and it was all so charming and I felt fought over and adored and decided that I wasn't going to let my insanely-exploding emotions ruin the night for me, so I put them away and spent the night talking to Shamaila about modeling and her dreams. Then I left work and my emotions came smashing back.

I like that I have been able to handle my emotions lately, but I keep putting them off and not experiencing them because I'm afraid of them. Even when I'm home and it's my off day... I'm afraid that I can't handle them on my own, and I want someone to hold me and love me unswervingly as I turn to a ball of rage and pain. And I can't trust anyone enough to let them do that -- I suppose I'm really hoping Ben or someone will come to me and offer, and be unafraid of me and my fury and intensity and messy unkindness. I want him to realize that when I'm being angry and snappish it's because I am hurting and need to be held, but dammit I don't even realize that at the time, I just get confused by my overreacting.

I think people who read my journal get the impression that I cry a lot... I actually cry pretty rarely because when I let down that guard it's always messy and rarely ends well. I just post about it every time it happens, 'cause to me it's noteworthy. And yes, there is something sparking this new emotional-insanity, but that's for another post... I wish I didn't let it all build to a flood before posting. :-\

and Aubrey, Leslie, I didn't forget either of you but I couldn't muster the energy to do your birthday posts yet, it seems I'm always late. :-( But I love you both and hope you had delightful days. ♥

oooh, I'm in one of those achy-angry-furious-depressed-lonely-crazy-happy-distraught moods right now. Mainly sad.

Earlier today I got overwhelmed as I was getting ready for work, had nausea that I mastered (I'm so proud of myself for that -- my emotions didn't take over my body this time) and cried so hard I couldn't see as I put my uniform on and brushed my hair, cryingsobbingweeping as I walked out to the car (Ben drove me to work), struggled to compose myself as I walked in, stared at the floor all the way until I put my till in the drawer. Dani was at the register across from me and Shamaila was at the next one up, and they came over as I set stuff up (it was slow, very few customers) and talked, teasingly, about this and that. Shamaila asked me, "So did you have fun last night?" and Dani spoke up before I could answer and asked, "What was last night?" (I'm giggling at this point because between the question and the look on Shamaila's face, it sounded kinda dirty) and I told her that I went over to Shamaila's house last night. I forget how the conversation wound to it, but Shamaila told Dani that she knew me better, and Dani said, "Oh yeah? did she take you to the tea place?" and Shamaila said "Yes!" all defensively and Dani said, "hah! It's a coffee place, I said it that way to trick you!" Then Shamaila pretended to know what she was talking about, and it was all so charming and I felt fought over and adored and decided that I wasn't going to let my insanely-exploding emotions ruin the night for me, so I put them away and spent the night talking to Shamaila about modeling and her dreams. Then I left work and my emotions came smashing back.

I like that I have been able to handle my emotions lately, but I keep putting them off and not experiencing them because I'm afraid of them. Even when I'm home and it's my off day... I'm afraid that I can't handle them on my own, and I want someone to hold me and love me unswervingly as I turn to a ball of rage and pain. And I can't trust anyone enough to let them do that -- I suppose I'm really hoping Ben or someone will come to me and offer, and be unafraid of me and my fury and intensity and messy unkindness. I want him to realize that when I'm being angry and snappish it's because I am hurting and need to be held, but dammit I don't even realize that at the time, I just get confused by my overreacting.

I think people who read my journal get the impression that I cry a lot... I actually cry pretty rarely because when I let down that guard it's always messy and rarely ends well. I just post about it every time it happens, 'cause to me it's noteworthy. And yes, there is something sparking this new emotional-insanity, but that's for another post... I wish I didn't let it all build to a flood before posting. :-\

and Aubrey, Leslie, I didn't forget either of you but I couldn't muster the energy to do your birthday posts yet, it seems I'm always late. :-( But I love you both and hope you had delightful days. ♥

( Lately I have been reaching out so much! )

( Yvonne )

And I invited Brie (also from work) to go to bellydancing with me. That's a huge step because I'm rather private about my dancing, I hate to dance in front of people, yet I was comfortable inviting her -- and before, I was way too afraid of 'intruding' on people to actually invite them to anything. I'd think that they'd be thinking, "Ugh, who'd want to do anything with her? She's so dull/dumb/quiet!" Now, I never think that. I actually consider myself a person who is fun/interesting/worthwhile to be with. Even to Brie, who is one of those people who obviously doesn't care what anyone thinks -- she's strong and fierce and funny, and I don't consider her out of my league.

And Dani, she is such an AWESOME person. She always wears non-matching earrings (all four holes), which tells you a lot, I think! And she has this intricately pretty criss-cross scar next to her mouth, which I would compliment her on but I don't know her well enough to know if she'd take it well. I'm like Angelina in that I find scars attractive. She's crazy and relaxed and her spirit is so open. Back in the day, I'd have heroine-worshipped her from afar but never dared to even talk to her, much less show her how much I admire her! But the new me, Krista, I asked her out! And she made me feel awkward by pretending to think I was hitting on her, but I got over that really quickly, and even joked back. We're supposed to go to the local coffeehouse on Friday. And I'm totally okay with being honest about how much I like her! I was openly happy when we got assigned next-door registers, and she was too. I used to be careful to hide my admiration/like for someone unless they showed that they liked me first -- a fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, I suppose. But no longer!

( Aubrey )

( Ingrid )

You'd think that dropping in on alariya would be easy for me, but it wasn't. I had such a perfectionist view of relationships -- if I couldn't do it perfectly, I didn't want to do it at all. But something changed in me recently, and I've come to the conclusion that all interactions are valuable, even the 'inconsequential' ones, like just saying hi, or spending an hour with someone just casually connecting. I've come to believe that my investments in people are never a waste, even if there's no noticable change in relationship.

With Cynthia, I know I wouldn't have had the guts to ask her why she seemed down, about a week ago, and she'd never have told me about her worries and the fact that she is in need of a car. And even though I felt dumb just saying that I'd pray for her, it seemed to be important to her because today she asked if I was still praying. And before, I'd never have had the confidence to tell her that anytime that our schedules ended at the same time, I'd give her a ride. I'd have worried that she'd judge my driving or my car, or think that I was being condescending to offer. But now, I offered without a second thought, and she gratefully accepted, and even though I did feel a bit embarrassed by the mess on the floor, I was able to dismiss it and be comfortable.

DAMMIT! Because I paid my phone bill 6 days early, they turned it off. Fuck. I am seriously so pissed about that. Ben said he'd deal with it when he gets off of work, though. They better work it out or I'm gonna be borrowing a phone to call some people and throw fits! This is ridiculous.

They're working me way too much for my taste. My Tuesdays and Saturdays are already filled with counseling & support group & church & home group & (very soon) bellydancing, and then I work four 9-hr days -- so I only have ONE DAY to relax. Me no lika dat. But I'll suffer for a bit so that we can get ahead faster. Oh, and the other day, I came back from lunch and Polly was taking out my drawer, and she said, "Kristen?" "Yeah?" "Thank you for coming back." She said it so sincerely and with such relief. I am teh bestest!

God has been really reaching out to me lately. I am convinced that some of the ladies in my support group must have been praying extra hard for me last week, because I have felt a change in my spirit. I can't pin it down, but something is different. Maybe there's one less demon whispering in my ear. I find it a little easier to hope. And I was working yesterday and one of the women in my group saw me from a distance and God moved her to write me a little note of encouragement and give it to me. She included Romans 8:28-29 -- "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn, with many brothers and sisters." This is a verse I have told myself many times, and I believe it about everything else, but when it comes to sexual abuse... "all things"... I don't feel like he worked for my good. And it's something I have to find for myself, so please don't try to help me see it.

DAMMIT! Because I paid my phone bill 6 days early, they turned it off. Fuck. I am seriously so pissed about that. Ben said he'd deal with it when he gets off of work, though. They better work it out or I'm gonna be borrowing a phone to call some people and throw fits! This is ridiculous.

They're working me way too much for my taste. My Tuesdays and Saturdays are already filled with counseling & support group & church & home group & (very soon) bellydancing, and then I work four 9-hr days -- so I only have ONE DAY to relax. Me no lika dat. But I'll suffer for a bit so that we can get ahead faster. Oh, and the other day, I came back from lunch and Polly was taking out my drawer, and she said, "Kristen?" "Yeah?" "Thank you for coming back." She said it so sincerely and with such relief. I am teh bestest!

God has been really reaching out to me lately. I am convinced that some of the ladies in my support group must have been praying extra hard for me last week, because I have felt a change in my spirit. I can't pin it down, but something is different. Maybe there's one less demon whispering in my ear. I find it a little easier to hope. And I was working yesterday and one of the women in my group saw me from a distance and God moved her to write me a little note of encouragement and give it to me. She included Romans 8:28-29 -- "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn, with many brothers and sisters." This is a verse I have told myself many times, and I believe it about everything else, but when it comes to sexual abuse... "all things"... I don't feel like he worked for my good. And it's something I have to find for myself, so please don't try to help me see it.

I tell you what, working 9-hour days after 5 months (almost half a year!) of near-total physical inactivity is kicking my ass! But in a good way. I have discovered that I developed one good habit over the summer -- I drink a lot of water during the day now, and my sugar intake has been minimal, so when I drink a soda it tastes cloying after the first few sips. When I was working before, I bought a coke and a candy bar every break, and I was oh-so-tempted to do that again, but I resisted, and had water and a granola bar instead.

I have so much more energy now! probably partly due to the sensible sugar intake, but I think mainly due to the fact that I used to be so incredibly depressed that it was a huge struggle just to live, much less work and smile and be friendly. I am continually amazed at how easy life is now -- it's like living crippled and then being suddenly healed -- things that were a huge struggle before are just so simple now.

But that has its downside. I don't want to continue healing, I no longer have the drive. The only reason I'm giving it even this half-hearted effort is because I want truth that will comfort and give hope to other victims. I'm so angry at everyone with their sanctimonious bullshit! I have been healed in the basic way, I suppose, but the deeper places are still just as furiously wounded. If I think about it for any length of time I get so pissed. I keep asking, "WHY? how could God not step in?" and all I get is "You have to find your own answer to that question." I don't want that to be true -- I don't want to have to tell victims that. So I hope that it's really just that they're being private about it -- I know I won't have that problem!

And even deeper -- my relationship with God is so broken I can't even look at it. I know part of me never stopped loving and trusting him, but I have no idea where that part of me is hiding. Right now, my faith can't even be called faith. I absolutely believe that he exists and that the Bible is true -- I believe it mentally at least, but spiritually and emotionally, I just can't reconcile a God of Love to this image in my head. And I have no idea where to go from here. I kinda want to believe that he's trustworthy... but I kinda don't.

A kinda cool thing that happened at the support group -- I was sitting bored while everyone else was communing with God, and wondering why it was so hard for me to hear him speak. Suddenly I got this image of him coming up to me (spiritually) and starting to say hi, and my spirit jumping up with her hands on her hips and shouting, affronted, "Who dares talk to me?!?" It made me snicker. The best thing about it was that when he gave me that image, it was with a feeling of amused acceptance. Other people might see me as rude, obnoxious, arrogant -- but he sees me as, and I quote, "Fierce."

That did give me a bit of hope... but still no answers. I am so conflicted.

I tell you what, working 9-hour days after 5 months (almost half a year!) of near-total physical inactivity is kicking my ass! But in a good way. I have discovered that I developed one good habit over the summer -- I drink a lot of water during the day now, and my sugar intake has been minimal, so when I drink a soda it tastes cloying after the first few sips. When I was working before, I bought a coke and a candy bar every break, and I was oh-so-tempted to do that again, but I resisted, and had water and a granola bar instead.

I have so much more energy now! probably partly due to the sensible sugar intake, but I think mainly due to the fact that I used to be so incredibly depressed that it was a huge struggle just to live, much less work and smile and be friendly. I am continually amazed at how easy life is now -- it's like living crippled and then being suddenly healed -- things that were a huge struggle before are just so simple now.

But that has its downside. I don't want to continue healing, I no longer have the drive. The only reason I'm giving it even this half-hearted effort is because I want truth that will comfort and give hope to other victims. I'm so angry at everyone with their sanctimonious bullshit! I have been healed in the basic way, I suppose, but the deeper places are still just as furiously wounded. If I think about it for any length of time I get so pissed. I keep asking, "WHY? how could God not step in?" and all I get is "You have to find your own answer to that question." I don't want that to be true -- I don't want to have to tell victims that. So I hope that it's really just that they're being private about it -- I know I won't have that problem!

And even deeper -- my relationship with God is so broken I can't even look at it. I know part of me never stopped loving and trusting him, but I have no idea where that part of me is hiding. Right now, my faith can't even be called faith. I absolutely believe that he exists and that the Bible is true -- I believe it mentally at least, but spiritually and emotionally, I just can't reconcile a God of Love to this image in my head. And I have no idea where to go from here. I kinda want to believe that he's trustworthy... but I kinda don't.

A kinda cool thing that happened at the support group -- I was sitting bored while everyone else was communing with God, and wondering why it was so hard for me to hear him speak. Suddenly I got this image of him coming up to me (spiritually) and starting to say hi, and my spirit jumping up with her hands on her hips and shouting, affronted, "Who dares talk to me?!?" It made me snicker. The best thing about it was that when he gave me that image, it was with a feeling of amused acceptance. Other people might see me as rude, obnoxious, arrogant -- but he sees me as, and I quote, "Fierce."

That did give me a bit of hope... but still no answers. I am so conflicted.

Orientation was actually pretty interesting, because there was a long period of time when we were waiting for the computers to come online that we all just talked. One woman was Hopi, and had actually lived on the reservation in the traditional ways; one kid was originally from Jamaica, and had lived in NY for a long while -- he was a cynical capitalist who was paranoid about the powers of the government; and one girl who I really liked, from south central LA -- she talked about the gang culture, which fascinated me. I love learning about cultures. But that kid from NY annoyed the crap out of me, especially when he used the word 'rape' casually. Had he been talking to me, I would have confronted him, but since he was talking to someone else, I wasn't sure what to do and hesitated too long. :-\

I'm not sure how much to share with people -- I feel comfortable telling anything, but I have to pay attention to the fact that not everyone is comfortable with hearing everything. So I simply said that I took the summer off, and didn't say for what, even thought it made me feel rather dishonest.

I didn't have to do any CBLs (computer-based-learning), 'cause those were saved from when I did them before. That was good.

But Polly gave me a schedule of 9-hour shifts. That was NOT good. I hate them with a passion! But hopefully after the next three weeks she'll change it up -- she did imply as much. Unfortunately, I am scheduled 2-11 both the 29th and 30th, I'm going to try to get her to change it but I might not get to do more than meet Anika when she comes into Atlanta! I'm very upset about that.

Orientation was actually pretty interesting, because there was a long period of time when we were waiting for the computers to come online that we all just talked. One woman was Hopi, and had actually lived on the reservation in the traditional ways; one kid was originally from Jamaica, and had lived in NY for a long while -- he was a cynical capitalist who was paranoid about the powers of the government; and one girl who I really liked, from south central LA -- she talked about the gang culture, which fascinated me. I love learning about cultures. But that kid from NY annoyed the crap out of me, especially when he used the word 'rape' casually. Had he been talking to me, I would have confronted him, but since he was talking to someone else, I wasn't sure what to do and hesitated too long. :-\

I'm not sure how much to share with people -- I feel comfortable telling anything, but I have to pay attention to the fact that not everyone is comfortable with hearing everything. So I simply said that I took the summer off, and didn't say for what, even thought it made me feel rather dishonest.

I didn't have to do any CBLs (computer-based-learning), 'cause those were saved from when I did them before. That was good.

But Polly gave me a schedule of 9-hour shifts. That was NOT good. I hate them with a passion! But hopefully after the next three weeks she'll change it up -- she did imply as much. Unfortunately, I am scheduled 2-11 both the 29th and 30th, I'm going to try to get her to change it but I might not get to do more than meet Anika when she comes into Atlanta! I'm very upset about that.

Good news: I got my job back.
Bad news: I have to work opposite schedules to Ben, so we'll barely see each other.

But -- I do like getting up late, and they did give me Tuesdays and Saturdays off. I have to go to orientation though (tomorrow at 9 AM), which I think is ridiculous. I already know all of that crap! Maybe they'll let me leave early.

I once again have a phone!!! Yay! I'll probably call some of you soon.

I finally cleared out my inbox today, so a lot of you got really late comments... some were almost two months old! Feels good to have that done, it's been bothering me.

This was a pretty useless post... I have so much swirling in my head that only the dross on the edges manages to escape the whirlpool of my thoughts. I want to post about the hurricane, and trust/openness, and tons of other stuff but it will have to wait, because I MUST sleep.

Oh, another good thing -- bluebl00d has been introducing me to all of this awesome music (mainly acid jazz)! She has fabulous taste. I have a playlist titled "from Vee" with Emiliana Torrini, Guano Apes, Lunascape, Mono, Soulstice, Supreme Being of Leisure, and Wild Strawberries -- and I've been listening to it constantly the last few days! Thanks Vee!

Good news: I got my job back.
Bad news: I have to work opposite schedules to Ben, so we'll barely see each other.

But -- I do like getting up late, and they did give me Tuesdays and Saturdays off. I have to go to orientation though (tomorrow at 9 AM), which I think is ridiculous. I already know all of that crap! Maybe they'll let me leave early.

I once again have a phone!!! Yay! I'll probably call some of you soon.

I finally cleared out my inbox today, so a lot of you got really late comments... some were almost two months old! Feels good to have that done, it's been bothering me.

This was a pretty useless post... I have so much swirling in my head that only the dross on the edges manages to escape the whirlpool of my thoughts. I want to post about the hurricane, and trust/openness, and tons of other stuff but it will have to wait, because I MUST sleep.

Oh, another good thing -- bluebl00d has been introducing me to all of this awesome music (mainly acid jazz)! She has fabulous taste. I have a playlist titled "from Vee" with Emiliana Torrini, Guano Apes, Lunascape, Mono, Soulstice, Supreme Being of Leisure, and Wild Strawberries -- and I've been listening to it constantly the last few days! Thanks Vee!