So, I went to Atlanta Poly Weekend (APW) yesterday and today, and had intended to go to all of it but I've discovered that even though the anxiety meds help enough to keep me from spiraling into negativity from not being able to interact, they don't actually reduce the amount of effort it takes. So I get super worn out from the constant brush of people. I've realized that I actually can't do conferences without staying in the hotel; I can do a one-day visit but that's it. The con takes all my energy and I don't have the extra for driving back and forth, especially when I never get a chance to be alone all day. Hopefully I will be able to afford a room next time.

I also realized two ways that I want to be more involved in local community; through anti-looksist work in general and by being volunteering to help with planning accessibility for APW. I don't think that I'm especially qualified, but I have learned a lot by example from the disability coordinator for TBC (and they're a friend of mine so I could probably ask advice) so I think I could be helpful, and I don't think APW can afford to hire someone. I sent a message offering, and if they don't follow up I'll seek them out more directly. Things I would definitely do include setting aside a quiet non-interaction space for anxious folk to take a break because fuck did I miss that.

I realized I want to be more involved in anti-looksist work because I went to a session about dating while fat and polyamorous and I realized again how radical a force for change it is to be anti-looksist, and how many skills I have in this area. I need to skill-share because it's so vital for all bodies to be treated as acceptable. Fat-hating connects to so many other oppressions, so destroying fat-hating reduces the power of other oppressions. I tend to think of self-work as 'fluffy' or less important but it isn't. People need self-love to survive oppression, and we need oppressed people to survive or we cannot destroy the system.

I also got to have a little date with Arizona yesterday! Their partners let us have the hotel room to ourselves for a few hours and we cuddled and talked and then we played with thumpy toys! I brought the floggers I made recently and hadn't had a chance to use, and Arizona brought toys too. We started with Arizona thumping my back with what is called a 'billy club' -- a long rubber rod about 1.5 inches in diameter with little rubber spikes on the end (like on a meat tenderizer). Arizona used one at first, then added another and played my back like a drum! I got really into the rhythm, which changed the way it felt because I felt like I was experiencing it in both physical and auditory ways at once. Then Arizona used a steel cane (a thin metal rod about 1 cm in diameter) on my back and bum and legs. Then we took a break and had cuddles, and then Arizona used my mini floggers, my rainbow flogger, and my black suede leather floggers. (I'll try to get some photos to show soon.) The rainbow flogger was actually my favorite -- it's heavy because there are many loops of cord, but it's diffuse at the same time, so it doesn't feel 'too much' in any particular way. Lastly Arizona used my paddle (a thick hairbrush-shaped wooden one) on my bum and legs. It's really interesting how different the sensations are, even after I'm somewhat desensitized due to build-up.

Arizona and I kissed a little bit and they swayed and smiled and said they loved kissing me, which pleased me very much. I wanted to have more time to kiss today but there were a lot of people around the whole time and it was too distracting. But! They're coming back up in two weeks and they said they definitely want one-on-one time with me then. I miss them a lot and it saddens me that I can only see them so rarely.

Tonight when I got home Serenity (my housemate) had been doing a ritual for the new moon and invited me to join. Together we lit candles (including the rainbow drip candles I had been saving for ritual) and incense, smoked hookah, and they danced to music while I drummed along and then after I put the drum aside and seat-danced for a little bit they playfully pulled at me with dance movements and I got up and danced with them. I didn't feel self-conscious while dancing and only felt self-conscious while drumming for a little bit. Drumming along with the music was lovely because I was more patient with myself than usual and didn't get angry when I missed a beat. I shifted this way and that with rhythms and felt in harmony with my drum in a way I haven't since before I moved into this house, three years ago. Kanika (my cat) and Lily (Serenity's service dog) kept us company and enjoyed the energy. I feel like tonight was meant to be -- I had a lot of maybe-plans that fell through for this to happen as it did.

2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

( important events in 2011 )

2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

( important events in 2011 )

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )

This weekend I went to Southeast Decompression, a mini-burn being held at The Colaboratory. It was my first burn-type experience and wow... I had such a wild time. I went with Kyle (but ze's a wanderer and so am I so we didn't spend all that much time together) and after a short wander we took our drums from the car and started drumming...

I HAVE drummed in public before but only when there were enough other people around to drown me out -- but this time I just fucking threw myself into it, didn't care at all who heard my mistakes (and there was only one other drum, so people could hear them! and people were right there! and some people were dancing to the beat I was making!) and oh GOD what a feeling. Drumming is in my BLOOD, it's me, and while I wish I was more skilled, I need to just do it anyway (and learn properly later maybe). I got so deeply into it I didn't realize how hard I was hitting or how long it went and I ended up with massive bruises on my hands (which are still hurting a lot two days later). but it was SO worth it.

( learning, drinking! )

and OH! the DANCING! the DJs were amazing and the music just kept calling to me. I love that I've gotten more fit over the summer because I was able to dance and dance until my soul was ready to stop instead of when my body demanded it!!!!!!!! THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY!!! And I danced more freely than ever before and I felt so amazingly present and full of music and the people around me danced just as unselfconsciously. And two days later I still hurt all over my outside upper legs (I suppose my inner thighs get a workout more often, heh) and that just makes me happy.

I'm not sure how much anonymity to give people so I'm going to put all the interactions with people in a separate f-locked post :D If you wanna see it and you're not on my flist, email me (belenen at gmail) and I might send it to you (if I don't know you at all and you've never commented it's unlikely, but if we've interacted somehow I probably will).

This weekend I went to Southeast Decompression, a mini-burn being held at The Colaboratory. It was my first burn-type experience and wow... I had such a wild time. I went with Kyle (but ze's a wanderer and so am I so we didn't spend all that much time together) and after a short wander we took our drums from the car and started drumming...

I HAVE drummed in public before but only when there were enough other people around to drown me out -- but this time I just fucking threw myself into it, didn't care at all who heard my mistakes (and there was only one other drum, so people could hear them! and people were right there! and some people were dancing to the beat I was making!) and oh GOD what a feeling. Drumming is in my BLOOD, it's me, and while I wish I was more skilled, I need to just do it anyway (and learn properly later maybe). I got so deeply into it I didn't realize how hard I was hitting or how long it went and I ended up with massive bruises on my hands (which are still hurting a lot two days later). but it was SO worth it.

( learning, drinking! )

and OH! the DANCING! the DJs were amazing and the music just kept calling to me. I love that I've gotten more fit over the summer because I was able to dance and dance until my soul was ready to stop instead of when my body demanded it!!!!!!!! THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY!!! And I danced more freely than ever before and I felt so amazingly present and full of music and the people around me danced just as unselfconsciously. And two days later I still hurt all over my outside upper legs (I suppose my inner thighs get a workout more often, heh) and that just makes me happy.

I'm not sure how much anonymity to give people so I'm going to put all the interactions with people in a separate f-locked post :D If you wanna see it and you're not on my flist, email me (belenen at gmail) and I might send it to you (if I don't know you at all and you've never commented it's unlikely, but if we've interacted somehow I probably will).

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )

photos now, words later ;-)

This set is from July 17th, when Viv and I went and got new guitar strings and then ze played for Mare & me & a neighbor who happened by.



( Viv playing guitar )

( lil sis & Ash & I out for coffee & then out with Thursday pagan group )

( to clay cafe pagan meeting w Ash, Viv, & Stuart )

( Viv & Ash & I go out to Le Buzz )

( August 9th we had a lazy morning and I got to take photos of Viv's eyes ♥ )

photos now, words later ;-)

This set is from July 17th, when Viv and I went and got new guitar strings and then ze played for Mare & me & a neighbor who happened by.



( Viv playing guitar )

( lil sis & Ash & I out for coffee & then out with Thursday pagan group )

( to clay cafe pagan meeting w Ash, Viv, & Stuart )

( Viv & Ash & I go out to Le Buzz )

( August 9th we had a lazy morning and I got to take photos of Viv's eyes ♥ )

It's interesting how breakups motivate me. I suppose when I'm in a relationship, I put more and more energy into it without noticing it, and then when the breakup happens I suddenly realize I have all this energy with no demands on it. Last time I went through a major breakup (with a friend) it lead to a sudden drop in my fear, and this time it has had the same effect. I've been doing things that would have taken so much energy and courage before, and doing them without even thinking twice.

I mentioned how it was difficult for me to go to the pagan meeting last month -- since then I've been out with strangers and/or to new places several times, with less anxiety each time.

( druidic Beltaine ritual )

( borderPagans meetings )

( to the book sale with Ash )

( to the drum circle with Kat K and zir friend Pat, meeting Shel & Ryan )

It's interesting how breakups motivate me. I suppose when I'm in a relationship, I put more and more energy into it without noticing it, and then when the breakup happens I suddenly realize I have all this energy with no demands on it. Last time I went through a major breakup (with a friend) it lead to a sudden drop in my fear, and this time it has had the same effect. I've been doing things that would have taken so much energy and courage before, and doing them without even thinking twice.

I mentioned how it was difficult for me to go to the pagan meeting last month -- since then I've been out with strangers and/or to new places several times, with less anxiety each time.

( druidic Beltaine ritual )

( borderPagans meetings )

( to the book sale with Ash )

( to the drum circle with Kat K and zir friend Pat, meeting Shel & Ryan )

It's interesting how breakups motivate me. I suppose when I'm in a relationship, I put more and more energy into it without noticing it, and then when the breakup happens I suddenly realize I have all this energy with no demands on it. Last time I went through a major breakup (with a friend) it lead to a sudden drop in my fear, and this time it has had the same effect. I've been doing things that would have taken so much energy and courage before, and doing them without even thinking twice.

I mentioned how it was difficult for me to go to the pagan meeting last month -- since then I've been out with strangers and/or to new places several times, with less anxiety each time.

( druidic Beltaine ritual )

( borderPagans meetings )

( to the book sale with Ash )

( to the drum circle with Kat K and zir friend Pat, meeting Shel & Ryan )

Last Saturday I had quite possibly the most amazing night of my life -- top five for sure. I experienced my first drum circle! I've never felt anything like it -- from the very beginning I was thrilled and it just kept getting better and better the whole time! There was such a sense of unity and openness. We were creating something together without anyone leading -- that is the essence of my faith. Being there was a transformative and deeply spiritual experience for me. I've never felt so alive and in love with life! I wanted to hug everyone, and I felt like I was hugging everyone. I CANNOT wait to have my own drum -- or even to bring a pot to bang my feet on!

I brought Ialu and I'm glad I did, but next time I intend to leave zir at home -- it's too dark to get any really good photos and my worries about zir (damage from the heat or vibrations, theft) kept me from fully entering in. Even so, it was SO INCREDIBLE. I thumped my feet on the ground and my hands on my legs, danced with hands and shoulders and waist (while sitting because I didn't want to leave my camera or jounce zir around). Oh... it was so amazing!

replete with rhythm
concerns thumped into the earth
glowing; connected



( photos (mostly fuzzy and dark but there you go!) )

Last Saturday I had quite possibly the most amazing night of my life -- top five for sure. I experienced my first drum circle! I've never felt anything like it -- from the very beginning I was thrilled and it just kept getting better and better the whole time! There was such a sense of unity and openness. We were creating something together without anyone leading -- that is the essence of my faith. Being there was a transformative and deeply spiritual experience for me. I've never felt so alive and in love with life! I wanted to hug everyone, and I felt like I was hugging everyone. I CANNOT wait to have my own drum -- or even to bring a pot to bang my feet on!

I brought Ialu and I'm glad I did, but next time I intend to leave zir at home -- it's too dark to get any really good photos and my worries about zir (damage from the heat or vibrations, theft) kept me from fully entering in. Even so, it was SO INCREDIBLE. I thumped my feet on the ground and my hands on my legs, danced with hands and shoulders and waist (while sitting because I didn't want to leave my camera or jounce zir around). Oh... it was so amazing!

replete with rhythm
concerns thumped into the earth
glowing; connected



( photos (mostly fuzzy and dark but there you go!) )

Last Saturday I had quite possibly the most amazing night of my life -- top five for sure. I experienced my first drum circle! I've never felt anything like it -- from the very beginning I was thrilled and it just kept getting better and better the whole time! There was such a sense of unity and openness. We were creating something together without anyone leading -- that is the essence of my faith. Being there was a transformative and deeply spiritual experience for me. I've never felt so alive and in love with life! I wanted to hug everyone, and I felt like I was hugging everyone. I CANNOT wait to have my own drum -- or even to bring a pot to bang my feet on!

I brought Ialu and I'm glad I did, but next time I intend to leave zir at home -- it's too dark to get any really good photos and my worries about zir (damage from the heat or vibrations, theft) kept me from fully entering in. Even so, it was SO INCREDIBLE. I thumped my feet on the ground and my hands on my legs, danced with hands and shoulders and waist (while sitting because I didn't want to leave my camera or jounce zir around). Oh... it was so amazing!

replete with rhythm
concerns thumped into the earth
glowing; connected



( photos (mostly fuzzy and dark but there you go!) )

I went to my first drum circle tonight and I'm too tired to really do it justice but let me just say -- WOW. Even though I had no drum and did not get up to dance (was too paranoid about my camera -- next time I'm leaving it at home), I had one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Top five, really. Woooooooooooooooooooooooow. Will write more later :D and maybe share some grainy dark photos ;-)

I went to my first drum circle tonight and I'm too tired to really do it justice but let me just say -- WOW. Even though I had no drum and did not get up to dance (was too paranoid about my camera -- next time I'm leaving it at home), I had one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Top five, really. Woooooooooooooooooooooooow. Will write more later :D and maybe share some grainy dark photos ;-)

I've been working on a list of goals for this year, and there are a few things I wanted to delve more deeply into, so here they are:

save up and buy a Hapi drum in the Akebono Key of D ♥

I've always loved music and wanted to create it, but I couldn't work with the instruments made available to me. I never liked the sound of piano, and when my parents forced me to take lessons for four years, that added a massive amount of resentment to my mild dislike. I tried taking guitar because I DID like the sound of that, but it just felt too awkward for me -- partly because of the small size of my hands, I think. I longed to play the bass guitar because of the deep, rhythmic sound but never had the opportunity, and for me that's still too... structured.

The first time I tried an instrument that resonated with me, I remember feeling such a THRILL, such a sensation of wildness and pure unstructured expression. It was just five minutes playing a friend's set of conga drums, but it was enough to let me know that percussion -- by hand, not by a mallet or stick -- is MY music. I asked my friend how much they were and I can't remember the sum but it was enough to make me feel that they were forever out of reach, might as well forget them. So I did. Then this past year when I visited Hannah, I tried playing zir bodhrán and I felt that same thrill! That oh-my-god/dess-yes-this-is-me! feeling. I determined that I was going to get some kind of drum, whatever I could afford, and start playing. I was very drawn to the bodhrán (I still am, I think I must have some passionate bodhrán players in my ancestry), but I hesitated for some reason in getting it. (even though it actually is affordable)

Then at the end of October last year, I was searching for information about Hapi, an intersexed personification of the Nile who I feel a strong kinship with, and I came across the HAPI drum (meaning Hand Activated Percussion Instrument)! I fell so completely in love, crying with joy at how PERFECT this instrument is for me (and how I found it!). It's played by hand, creates various tones, is easy to carry around, comes in many colors, has a dichroic glass center... oh, I'm so in love and you must watch ( the video of the one I'm going to get (in a different color) )

When I first saw the price I was like, oh well, it's a nice dream but it won't happen... but it just kept coming up, and I feel that getting a Hapi drum for myself is a very important step in my spiritual path. So it's going to happen, even if I have to practice patience for it. ;-)

---

become more active/fit

Earlier this week I had a fantastic idea which so far has worked very well! I set my phone alarm to go off every thirty minutes, whereupon I reset it and go use the healthrider briefly (enough to get my heart rate up). I'm gradually increasing the length of each session and might add weights eventually. I'm so excited about this because it really works for me! I don't have to worry about the weather, the time, or clothing, and I don't have to set aside a chunk of time every day (which usually ends up getting forgotten until the very end of the day when I am ready to fall into bed). I can go slow and easy if I'm feeling bad, or do extra if I'm feeling good! and it's free -- no gas money, no gym fees -- and it's FUN. I love the healthrider, it reminds me for all the world of riding in the front of a speedboat. And it keeps my energy from getting stagnant, because it's interspersed throughout the day. I've only been doing it for about 5 or 6 days now but I can already feel more energy and strength! An odd thing I noticed is that my lung capacity is increasing. I didn't realize just how little (read: ZERO) aerobic exercise I got until I started feeling what it is like to breathe more deeply again. I haven't enjoyed activity this much since I had a routine of cartwheels and swimming (at age 17). I'm feeling POWER in my arms and legs again! I love how quickly my body responds to workouts of any kind.

I also plan on taking regular walks with Nim (once it's warm) and once I cash my Christmas check from mom (hopefully this Thursday) I'm going to order a balance chair so that I can strengthen my core muscles. When I feel like they're strong enough I'm going to take bellydance lessons again (if I can find some affordable ones).

[[Happy Birthday celestialsight! ♥]]

I've been working on a list of goals for this year, and there are a few things I wanted to delve more deeply into, so here they are:

save up and buy a Hapi drum in the Akebono Key of D ♥

I've always loved music and wanted to create it, but I couldn't work with the instruments made available to me. I never liked the sound of piano, and when my parents forced me to take lessons for four years, that added a massive amount of resentment to my mild dislike. I tried taking guitar because I DID like the sound of that, but it just felt too awkward for me -- partly because of the small size of my hands, I think. I longed to play the bass guitar because of the deep, rhythmic sound but never had the opportunity, and for me that's still too... structured.

The first time I tried an instrument that resonated with me, I remember feeling such a THRILL, such a sensation of wildness and pure unstructured expression. It was just five minutes playing a friend's set of conga drums, but it was enough to let me know that percussion -- by hand, not by a mallet or stick -- is MY music. I asked my friend how much they were and I can't remember the sum but it was enough to make me feel that they were forever out of reach, might as well forget them. So I did. Then this past year when I visited Hannah, I tried playing zir bodhrán and I felt that same thrill! That oh-my-god/dess-yes-this-is-me! feeling. I determined that I was going to get some kind of drum, whatever I could afford, and start playing. I was very drawn to the bodhrán (I still am, I think I must have some passionate bodhrán players in my ancestry), but I hesitated for some reason in getting it. (even though it actually is affordable)

Then at the end of October last year, I was searching for information about Hapi, an intersexed personification of the Nile who I feel a strong kinship with, and I came across the HAPI drum (meaning Hand Activated Percussion Instrument)! I fell so completely in love, crying with joy at how PERFECT this instrument is for me (and how I found it!). It's played by hand, creates various tones, is easy to carry around, comes in many colors, has a dichroic glass center... oh, I'm so in love and you must watch ( the video of the one I'm going to get (in a different color) )

When I first saw the price I was like, oh well, it's a nice dream but it won't happen... but it just kept coming up, and I feel that getting a Hapi drum for myself is a very important step in my spiritual path. So it's going to happen, even if I have to practice patience for it. ;-)

---

become more active/fit

Earlier this week I had a fantastic idea which so far has worked very well! I set my phone alarm to go off every thirty minutes, whereupon I reset it and go use the healthrider briefly (enough to get my heart rate up). I'm gradually increasing the length of each session and might add weights eventually. I'm so excited about this because it really works for me! I don't have to worry about the weather, the time, or clothing, and I don't have to set aside a chunk of time every day (which usually ends up getting forgotten until the very end of the day when I am ready to fall into bed). I can go slow and easy if I'm feeling bad, or do extra if I'm feeling good! and it's free -- no gas money, no gym fees -- and it's FUN. I love the healthrider, it reminds me for all the world of riding in the front of a speedboat. And it keeps my energy from getting stagnant, because it's interspersed throughout the day. I've only been doing it for about 5 or 6 days now but I can already feel more energy and strength! An odd thing I noticed is that my lung capacity is increasing. I didn't realize just how little (read: ZERO) aerobic exercise I got until I started feeling what it is like to breathe more deeply again. I haven't enjoyed activity this much since I had a routine of cartwheels and swimming (at age 17). I'm feeling POWER in my arms and legs again! I love how quickly my body responds to workouts of any kind.

I also plan on taking regular walks with Nim (once it's warm) and once I cash my Christmas check from mom (hopefully this Thursday) I'm going to order a balance chair so that I can strengthen my core muscles. When I feel like they're strong enough I'm going to take bellydance lessons again (if I can find some affordable ones).

[[Happy Birthday celestialsight! ♥]]

I've been working on a list of goals for this year, and there are a few things I wanted to delve more deeply into, so here they are:

save up and buy a Hapi drum in the Akebono Key of D ♥

I've always loved music and wanted to create it, but I couldn't work with the instruments made available to me. I never liked the sound of piano, and when my parents forced me to take lessons for four years, that added a massive amount of resentment to my mild dislike. I tried taking guitar because I DID like the sound of that, but it just felt too awkward for me -- partly because of the small size of my hands, I think. I longed to play the bass guitar because of the deep, rhythmic sound but never had the opportunity, and for me that's still too... structured.

The first time I tried an instrument that resonated with me, I remember feeling such a THRILL, such a sensation of wildness and pure unstructured expression. It was just five minutes playing a friend's set of conga drums, but it was enough to let me know that percussion -- by hand, not by a mallet or stick -- is MY music. I asked my friend how much they were and I can't remember the sum but it was enough to make me feel that they were forever out of reach, might as well forget them. So I did. Then this past year when I visited Hannah, I tried playing zir bodhrán and I felt that same thrill! That oh-my-god/dess-yes-this-is-me! feeling. I determined that I was going to get some kind of drum, whatever I could afford, and start playing. I was very drawn to the bodhrán (I still am, I think I must have some passionate bodhrán players in my ancestry), but I hesitated for some reason in getting it. (even though it actually is affordable)

Then at the end of October last year, I was searching for information about Hapi, an intersexed personification of the Nile who I feel a strong kinship with, and I came across the HAPI drum (meaning Hand Activated Percussion Instrument)! I fell so completely in love, crying with joy at how PERFECT this instrument is for me (and how I found it!). It's played by hand, creates various tones, is easy to carry around, comes in many colors, has a dichroic glass center... oh, I'm so in love and you must watch ( the video of the one I'm going to get (in a different color) )

When I first saw the price I was like, oh well, it's a nice dream but it won't happen... but it just kept coming up, and I feel that getting a Hapi drum for myself is a very important step in my spiritual path. So it's going to happen, even if I have to practice patience for it. ;-)

---

become more active/fit

Earlier this week I had a fantastic idea which so far has worked very well! I set my phone alarm to go off every thirty minutes, whereupon I reset it and go use the healthrider briefly (enough to get my heart rate up). I'm gradually increasing the length of each session and might add weights eventually. I'm so excited about this because it really works for me! I don't have to worry about the weather, the time, or clothing, and I don't have to set aside a chunk of time every day (which usually ends up getting forgotten until the very end of the day when I am ready to fall into bed). I can go slow and easy if I'm feeling bad, or do extra if I'm feeling good! and it's free -- no gas money, no gym fees -- and it's FUN. I love the healthrider, it reminds me for all the world of riding in the front of a speedboat. And it keeps my energy from getting stagnant, because it's interspersed throughout the day. I've only been doing it for about 5 or 6 days now but I can already feel more energy and strength! An odd thing I noticed is that my lung capacity is increasing. I didn't realize just how little (read: ZERO) aerobic exercise I got until I started feeling what it is like to breathe more deeply again. I haven't enjoyed activity this much since I had a routine of cartwheels and swimming (at age 17). I'm feeling POWER in my arms and legs again! I love how quickly my body responds to workouts of any kind.

I also plan on taking regular walks with Nim (once it's warm) and once I cash my Christmas check from mom (hopefully this Thursday) I'm going to order a balance chair so that I can strengthen my core muscles. When I feel like they're strong enough I'm going to take bellydance lessons again (if I can find some affordable ones).

[[Happy Birthday celestialsight! ♥]]