So today, at age 33, I realized I have never even tried trusting my intuition. After I realize something is a mistake I can easily remember feeling 'off' about someone or something but I never trust that feeling. I always assume that somehow, perceptions external to me are more correct. When my intuition disagrees, I try to get enough data to silence it. My first assumption is that my feeling is wrong. If the thing I am getting a sense about only affects me, I may trust it, but if it affects someone else I always distrust it.

Part of it is because it feels arrogant to me to say, "This person says X about their feelings/behavior/desires but my intuition says Y. I will trust my intuition and act as if they are wrong." Instead, I dismiss my intuition and act as if they are correct, and this almost always turns out to be a mistake. People don't know themselves. I was married to someone who told me over and over how much they liked and admired my ideas, behaviors, and self-understanding until we broke up and then they were like "oh actually I think it's wrong to be queer, pagan, polyamorous, or genderqueer, and I have thought that this whole time." I think the truth was in between, as they didn't have a firm opinion, but my intuition that they weren't fully sincere was correct. It galled me that I sensed that they weren't wholehearted yet dismissed my sense, over and over until I didn't even notice the twinges. There have been other shocking and painful instances of things like this. Sometimes I get completely numb and lost because I am dismissing so many twinges.

Another part is that there is no good way to communicate about this. If I feel like someone doesn't know their own motives and that is what I am basing my decisions on, I can't notsay that if they ask why. But I can't really say it either because there is no way to say it that doesn't sound cruel or dismissive or (at best) super arrogant.

I'm just going to wade into the thorn-bush though because I need to stop ignoring my own feelings and trusting other peoples' interpretations of situations above my own. If it feels wrong to me, I need to honor that. I may be entirely wrong about someone, but I need to be able to make that error instead of constantly erring on the side of self-betrayal. I need to be willing to be disliked, to be considered judgemental or even mean. People thinking ill of me is better than me crushing my own internal barometer. If I get a feeling about someone's motives, I am going to act as if it is correct. If I can, I will check with them first to be sure I have all the information: but if the same feeling comes up over and over, I'm going to trust it.

I'm going to start asking myself questions like "is it the best choice for me to invest in this person?" "do I feel sure this person knows what they want?" "Am I feeling a 'yes' on this or just the absence of no?" and I'm going to trust that even if I am wrong about the actual cause, I am making the right choice about the effect. I will ask myself also (as usual) "do I have a fear or insecurity that might be causing this?" and even if the answer is yes, I will not dismiss my feeling (but I will factor that in).

what are your most powerful spiritual experiences? if you've transitioned to a different religion/spiritual philosophy, did you recontextualize the experience in any way? did the power or depth of an experience diminish at all due to a transition? if so, why? (from here)

My most powerful spiritual experiences: when I felt a strong warning, "no," as I was walking through a river and was about to step in a spot, but I dismissed it as not real and stepped anyway and nearly sliced my toe off on broken glass and had to go to the hospital and get like 28 stitches (age 9); when trees have spoken to me (it happened twice where it was strong enough that I felt no doubt); when interacting with los Niños Santos; when I realized that an afterlife didn't make sense to me anymore and stopped believing in it; when I had a dream-that-felt-more-real-than-waking about having sex underground with Geb; when I felt someone energetically draining me through my lover and did energy work deliberately for the first time out of desperation; when I help someone find a name that is true for them; when I have had sex in ways that involve more spiritual/energetic interactions than physical ones; when singing and dancing in church, particularly once when I felt Jesus' presence so intensely that I didn't doubt it; one time when a prophet gave me a message from Godde saying "I believe in you" which both felt very validating and turned my perception of deity on its ear; once when I felt the presence of Aphrodite while interacting with a lover who I perceived as a priestess/incarnation of them; when I felt perfect unity of consciousness with a lover to the point where I wasn't sure which limb was mine, and we spoke the same words at the same time; when I have sensed the emotions of my spirit-kin over great distance of mind and body; when I felt/saw the heartbeat of the forest; when I have dreams about people who are important to me that I meet, later; when I felt in great despair and then found a green-blue piece of sea glass (I had never found any before despite careful searching); I'm sure there are others.

Some of my experiences have been recontextualized. I used to attribute everything spiritual to a singular god, but now I don't attribute things to deity unless I feel a specific presence. For instance, finding the sea glass I would have taken as comfort from god, whereas now I take it as me desperately seeking a sign of hope and drawing it to me and me to it with the force of my longing. This doesn't make it less meaningful to me, it makes it more meaningful. Rather than relying on something external, I rely on myself. I don't need attention from a particular being to be able to have magic.

So my personal new year starts at various times -- sometimes November 13 (my spiritual birthday), sometimes on Solstice, sometimes on USian New Years. This year I did a burning-release on Solstice so this has felt like a sort of gestational period for the new year, as when I've had a chance I've been thinking about what I want to accomplish with my next year. Obviously I want to graduate school, but that's just a required hoop I have to jump through and isn't personally meaningful. I'll be relieved because I no longer have to put as much of my progress in other people's hands and because I can start making money, something I've never really done before. The most I've ever made in a month was like $850, and that was a fluke.

Anyway, I'm setting some goals, minimum intentions below, not ordered by importance to me:

500 photos taken that I like.
365 instances of unprompted openness.
365 days of keeping up with text responses at least once daily.
365 days of taking one cellphone snapshot daily.
303 days that include a spiritual practice, aiming for early in the day.
252 LJ entries.
88 love bank entries.
77 fractals.
55 dreams recorded.
55 artworks created.
55 intuitions recorded.
55 days of reading a spiritual book.
44 me-initiated text conversations with KWT, Abby, Anika, Kat, Allison, Jaime (each).
44 me-initiated fb messages to Heather and Kylei (each).
30 30-minute meditations.
16 intimacy practices.
13 1-on-1 or 1-on-2 hangouts with KWT, Kylei, Heather, Jaime, Allison (each).
11 new casual friends made.
8 crafty parties.
7 new park visits (parks I haven't been to before).
4 concerts.
4 sets of talismans made.
3 sets of icons made.
3 new good friends made.
2 22-day writing streaks.
2 sets of card readings.
2 musicsharing posts.
2 art inspiration posts.
1 new tattoo.
1 long (3.5+ hour) drive by myself.
1 burn-centered event.
1 class led at a convention.
More physical exertion.
More work on my etsys and art fb and local selling of my art (yellow daisy festival?).
More writing in my book of magic.
More new kinds of sex/physical intimacy.
More energy work with more people.
Redo my "characters in the story of my life" post.
Do year-overviews for 2012, 2013, 2014.

I had an intense two weeks, with trying to get meds (which I finally got this past Wednesday!) and doing two huge projects for school. The second one I was supposed to have to the school's print shop by the Friday before last but I just didn't have the time or brainpower to the the project finished until almost a week later. So I was prepared to have to have a ugly one (since black and white is $10 to print and color is $70+) but once I finished I thought it couldn't hurt to ask and I emailed them and asked if I could still have mine printed. This was about 7am, so I set an alarm for noon and went to sleep. At 10:50 I woke up on my own and felt the urge to check my email. While I was looking at one, a response came in from the print shop - yes, I could have it printed, but I had to have it in within the hour (as in, before noon). So I got up and sent it in. I feel super encouraged and happy about the fact that my intuition is so on-point right now that I woke up and checked my email AS THE PERSON WAS WRITING to me, and I was successful whereas my planned time would have been too late.

Which brings me to a new project I have started - an intuition log. I have a little notebook I keep with me and when I sense something I write it in there and leave a space. If I can't find out whether it was meaningful or not, I mark it as "neutral" and if I can, I mark it as "confirmed" or "mistaken." My hope is that this will help me to get a better sense of an accurate feeling versus a mistaken one, and help me to be more aware in a day-to-day way of the way my intuition functions in my life, and help me to notice more.

My spiritual birthday just passed - November 13th. This marks the 16th year since I decided to actively pursue spiritual growth. On my spiritual birthday I like to do something that resonates spiritually for me, but I didn't get to do that this year. I probably could have arranged something after my plans with Kylei fell through, but I was deeply nervous about Friday (when I had to wear a normal person costume and present my work to a bunch of people) so I just finished up things for the presentation and got myself a spiritual birthday present - metallic gellyroll pens plus two more pens, which ended up costing me $13. I'm going to use them in my book of magic. I would have preferred the stardust gellyroll pens but they didn't even carry them, so I couldn't use my 40% off coupon.

I'm so intensely relieved that these past two weeks are over. I haven't quite shaken off the stress yet but it's starting to lift. I still can't believe I have meds now. I feel like I have a chance to be successful when I had kinda resigned myself to utter failure forever. I didn't even realize that was the case until it wasn't anymore.

Topaz has been rearranging and reorganizing everything in zir house and I've been helping some, and it feels so so so good in the rooms that have gotten the most attention. They were both rooms where the ex-roommate had stayed, and the energy was really stale and bitter because of the way the ex-roommate had acted in the last two months they were here. I really didn't like going into either of them because of how bad they felt to me but I didn't realize why until everything started changing. The living room has just been finished and it feels SO GOOD in there now. This has also made me realize that the energy in my living room got clogged with all the things that are in there but rarely or never used, so I plan to move the less-used crafting things and half-finished crafts to the basement room and move the piano into the bedroom downstairs. It only gets used for about 15 minutes every two months (by Kylei) and it takes up a lot of space, so it's better to not have it be in the heart of the house. I'm feeling excited about this and can't wait to have the next crafty party in a better space.

In other news, I want to send some cards, so if you're comfortable sharing, please give me your contact info -- you can skip any that you'd rather not answer! if you're not on my flist you can't fill it out there but you can email me or message me through LJ.

I've been swamped with ADD & school & car & money stress for the past few weeks, thus my lack of real posts. Despite being pulled in a billion directions and being totally overwhelmed, parts of my life have been profusely flourishing.

With regards to Aurilion, we exchanged letters (which I shared friends-locked because I'm not sure if they'd be okay with me making them public) after that unsent letter I posted. They were long and intense and through them I realized a lot of patterns I hadn't noticed before, some of them Aurilion's but the more important ones were mine. I realized that when we were together, I never called Aurilion on anything. The first time, that was because I wasn't good at understanding my own needs and boundaries, and I didn't trust Aurilion to know theirs either; after that, it was because I was always afraid that Aurilion was going to drop me as soon as I mentioned something that made them uncomfortable. When we broke up the first time, that was our FIRST real disagreement. After that I just kept it to myself when I didn't like something. I didn't even realize this was happening! It was an old pattern that held over, I don't do that shit with my friends now. In this exchange of letters, I laid out bluntly but not unkindly what issues I had with Aurilion's behavior, and in so doing I realized the depth of some of my own values. Perhaps the most important one is respecting others' self-determination; I plan to make a whole post about that. I also realized that when I didn't trust Aurilion to know and express their needs, that was valid, because they expressed that me simply stating what I want made them feel they had no choice but to do it.

Ultimately, when I realized that there were ways in which I had grown without anyone's guidance, and that Aurilion had not changed in these ways, that broke down that last bit of wish I had had for Aurilion to be a guide for me. I realized a year and a half ago that neither Aurilion or anyone else I knew could be a mentor for me spiritually, and this past summer when I attended energy work classes I realized that practice was a greater teacher than anything else and all others can offer is as a catalyst. But somehow it didn't really 'click' until I realized I no longer consider Aurilion more advanced than I am. I used to feel that Aurilion was more in-tune, more intuitive than me. That was perhaps true at first because I hadn't had practice, but now I have. And a vital part of that is that I check, I don't ever assume I am correct.

I used to be so scared of losing Aurilion. They left me over and over, coming back with promises that this time would be different. I feared losing them because I thought of them as the only way for me to feel a pure heart-connection. That's fuckin ridic! There are so many people in this world. I can call green hearts to me. I can feel the soil in my roots and the wind in my branches, I can rustle my leaves and breathe deeply. I know I will find more people with whom I can feel the spirits of trees every bit as strongly.

I called Viv and Kylei and Arizona and Abby and Topaz, every single one of them is connected to me through my intuition. Viv I randomly invited along to my first cuddle party, we were total strangers and I had literally never met anyone from OKC before. Kylei asked me for a conversation and I chose to follow up because I felt a tug (it would never have happened if I had been passive, which I definitely tended toward at the time). Arizona I had a dream about and listened to it and shared it with them, nothing would ever have happened had I not followed through on that dream. Abby I invited to a crafty party and at our first meeting made plans to go to our first burn together (had we not gone to that burn together we'd never have become close because we were both too passive in initiating at the time). That was an act of intuition because usually I'd have hated the idea of a stranger ruining the intimacy of a road trip, but I felt sure that Abby would not do that. Topaz I met because I invited myself along on a group event (which I nearly NEVER do) and then added this perfect stranger on FB and then shared a deeply personal post to facebook and they responded with openness (so many places along the way there where it could have fallen apart). I have found people with livejournal over and over. The world is full of connections and the only reason I don't have more heart connections is that I haven't yet asked for them! I have only called for spirit connections so far but I just wrote a spell for calling heart connections to me so I hope to do that soon and welcome new presences in my life.

In case it wasn't already obvious, our letters ended with Aurilion saying that they were done. At least it was a kinder goodbye than before. I'm not going to close that door, but I'm not going to let Aurilion skip the efforts I require from everyone else, either; honesty and working through shit is necessary. This interaction has been incredibly empowering for me. I am grateful and pleased with this turning point.

( dealing with feeling disconnected and out of sync )

( an exhausting intimacy practice )

8 - don't remember, didn't calendar it :-[ There was school stuff.

( intense happy one-on-one time w Heather )

( Kei-Won-Tia's birthday, meeting zir mom, playing truth-or-truth for four hours )

( watching Alice In Wonderland w Kei-Won-Tia and zir mom, my feelings on Alice, run-in with neighbor, time w Topaz' parents )

12 - no idea, didn't calendar. My memory is the worst. School happened.

( Kei-Won-Tia's birthday party and very-drunk me )

( talks w Abby and Firekat )

( lots of time w Kei-Won-Tia )

( meds, talking w Kylei about making time )

I made plans to have coffee with a friend this Tuesday, and the day and time I suggested was serendipitous because ze was going to be right near the coffeeshop to take someone to and from an appointment and would have about 50 minutes to kill. I chose Tuesday because meeting up with someone is the only reliable way to get me out of the house and I wanted to make sure I would go to the free energy healing held at Horizon Intuitive Center. The conversation was short but weighty, and I feel hopeful that I will get to be great friends with zir. After ze left I read a book for two hours and then drove over to the center.

This center is a place I had been once before for an open ritual (where we did a releasing ceremony and a gratitude ritual); I feel like it is a place that is, wonder of wonders, spiritual without being classist or (as far as I can tell) otherwise reinforcing of oppression. I hadn't been to an energy healing there but since the crash this weekend I feel very clear on the fact that I need to put more effort into spiritual things, and I also feel that I am in need of healing. I got out of the habit of realizing when I need spiritual healing after breaking up with Kylei -- one of the things we used to do was regularly check in and cleanse each other. Right now I feel pretty fragile so I am seeking as many sources as possible.

I went in and sat down, and after a little rest, a person came over and began to do energy work on me. I closed my eyes and consciously accepted the healing. The healer circled me and then focused on particular areas, including my feet and knees. When ze was in front of me, another person came over and stood behind me. I could feel healing energy coming from them, stronger than what I felt from the first person. The second person floated their hands above my shoulders, and I could feel the heat from them. Then the first person tapped me on one shoulder and that felt very strange, I was confused, maybe the second person moved their hand very fast? but it felt like the tap went through the hand. I could feel the second person still working though so I kept my eyes closed, but I felt pretty sure at this point that the second person was not a physical presence. They kept their hand on my left shoulder and I felt an urge, a tug almost, to stretch out my left wing (my energetic self has wings sometimes but I don't often feel them), so I did. Then they wrapped their left arm around my waist and put their right hand over my right shoulder and on my heart, with their head on my left shoulder. I felt this as heat-presence but not as physical (there was no weight to any of the touch), and I kept trying to feel out who it was. I felt laughter, fierceness and teeth, very strong very amber warm gold lemon fire energy, certainty that it wasn't any being I had previously felt, and I still wasn't sure but I thought perhaps Sekhmet? Eventually I felt zir urge me to open my left hand, so I did, and ze put two grey bone/stone/horn sticks into it, like fat chopsticks with markings on all four sides, not tapering very much. I wondered what they were and felt they were divination rods. I was urged to close my hand around them so I did. Shortly after, I opened my eyes and talked with the first healer, asking if ze was the only one working on me and ze said yes -- then hesitated -- then said "the only physical person working on you." Ze mentioned zir guides but I don't think it was one of them unless ze has a relationship with Sekhmet. I was still feeling the presence, like a warmth at my back and along my left arm and wing. If they had not been closing up soon after, I would have sat silently for much longer, absorbing the energy. At one point during the healing, I thought of the idea of reading part of a spiritual book each day, to keep in daily practice which is my goal, and that feels much more attainable than meditating each day.

The rods I felt were important -- I have no idea how I would use them, but I feel the need to make them. Not as they were in my minds eye when they were put into my hand (I feel that image was just the only one in my head for 'divination rod'), but in a way that is both me and this presence that I'm currently interpreting as Sekhmet. So I went straight from there to the new age store and bought stones, which felt both foolish financially and very important spiritually. I had the idea of using wire and sculpey to weave them into rods, so on the way home I stopped at a craft store, went to the correct section and the only thing on sale (half off!) on that aisle was the exact blocks of sculpey I was getting. I felt this as another synchronicity telling me that I was making the right choice.

Later that evening I had another strong intuitional moment when Topaz accidentally got e-cig juice on zir lip and had nicotine poisoning but couldn't leave work and couldn't focus long enough to search the internet for a cure (ze kept feeling like puking and dizzy). I looked and first couldn't find anything, asked Topaz if ze wanted me to call poison control and ze said no. I felt Topaz was done looking but I felt an urge to look again and found that sugar helps (because apparently nicotine messes up your insulin) and also lots of water, and told Topaz, and it helped, just in time for the crunch time at zir job.

Topaz's prompt for today: What are the 3 most spiritual experiences you've ever had... excluding interactions with trees. (But plz link back to posts about spiritual interactions with trees in the post) Oh good Godde. I can't possibly do the 'most' because my memory is so shit (and I wouldn't have a clue how to sort them), so I'll tell the first three that come to mind.

When I was 15, I was deeply depressed, and I prayed every day, many times per day, to God to let me die. I didn't feel like it was okay to kill myself (I was very religious) but I didn't want to live; living was torture. I was sent to a christian summer camp and while I was there, I cried a lot and spent a lot of time alone talking to God and wanting to die, feeling completely irrelevant and unseen. At one point after crying for a while I went and stood next to a stone wall, looking over it at water and just feeling empty, when suddenly I felt love flow over me from head to toe like a slow waterfall of warm honey. I was stunned and changed, because it was a tangible feeling of love and for the first time I can remember, I knew I was loved, genuinely and freely. It only lasted about a minute, but it was so real, and there was no other explanation for it than spiritual -- it was and still is the most unambiguously externally-initiated spiritual experience I've ever had. I've never felt anything like it before or since.

And, well, the next that comes to mind is this time when I was about 10 I think, and I was playing in a riverbed next to a covered bridge. I was barefoot (as I was most times back then) and clambering around, imagining worlds in the moss and loving the play of water over rocks. I went to take a step into a crevice and very clearly 'heard' (not with my ears) "no, don't step there" but I had already been trained not to listen, and so I stepped, and nearly sliced off a toe on the bottom or a broken bottle. As my parents rushed me to the hospital, I was euphoric, feeling that God had spoken to me for the first time in my life. Now, I am not so sure it was God -- I think it was more likely the river itself, which I had just been communing with and was very open to, or simply my intuition. Either way, that experience showed me that it was possible to get knowledge from non-physical sources. However it was about 15 years after that before I 'heard' any word-like impressions again.

This isn't one particular experience, but the next set that comes to mind is various concerts, over the years. And at the same time, church. With church it was when music played and I danced that I felt connection to all beings, to Godde, to beauty. I almost always danced. Sometimes it felt like my body was moving on its own. I'd have bursts of clarity and feel resonance of love. At some concerts, I felt the same thing. The Benjamin Gate (many years ago), Bat for Lashes, Beats Antique, Massive Attack, CocoRosie, and Zoe Keating have all been that for me. I'll feel the music move into my body and flow through my veins, I'll dance and breathe the music. I'll get overwhelmed and cry or shiver as a line slides down my spine. Other artists I like don't necessarily give me that -- it has to be an artist that makes music with spiritual meaning to me. Noe Venable has given me this with music even not-live, which is almost unheard of and is the reason why I feel a need (more than a desire) to see zir perform live.

So I have a new friendship that I am incredibly excited and happy about! I haven't been this excited about a new friendship since Hannah and I first started talking -- and if you've known me a long time or read back into my journal you know how big of a deal that is. I've tried to create close friendships nearby for a long time with little success, mostly because the people I tried it with either weren't interested in the amount of closeness I wanted or they were too busy (the latter more often). With my romantic relationships, I would say that I am very close with Kylei but my other connections are sporadic -- not for lack of interest but for lack of time, neurological difficulties, and/or lack of skill at reaching out. I've come to a level of acceptance of that; either things will change in my lovers' lives that will enable them to build that kind of thing with me, or they won't; either way I want them in my life to some extent. But this means that there is just not much deep connection in my life on a daily basis, or that there wasn't; and that is painful for me because I really crave close connection with multiple people for emotional and/or spiritual intimacy.

So about three weeks ago I posted loss and longing and lacking nourishment and Topaz messaged me on facebook about being open and how it fucking hurts, and I wrote back and the exchange was really honest and open and we met up for coffee the next day and talked lots and since then have hung out really often and look at this excitable run-on sentence *giggles* I admire zir so much and it feels so incredibly good to be around someone who is so curious (Godde I missed that!) and so open and so truth-focused and unflinchingly idealistic and dedicated to zir art. Also ze gives amazing hugs. And I feel like ze's living out loud and I just adore everything I know about zir.

Also, last week I had a day where I was dealing with feeling unappreciated/unwanted by some people who are really important to me, and I was upset to the point that I was crying while walking between classes. I tweeted about it and Topaz texted me asking if I wanted a hug; I said yes (thinking ze was on campus) and ze came to campus just to give me a hug. I don't think I've ever had someone go out of their way like that for me for such a small thing, and it meant the world to me. I shared what was bothering me and ze took it in and empathized, and it was so exactly what I needed.

Then last Saturday we (Topaz, Kylei, and I) went to watch the meteor shower, and I felt strange the whole time, but didn't realize why until I left; I felt disconnected from Topaz for the first time since we'd started spending time together. So once I got home I texted asking if ze had felt that and if I had caused it somehow, and we had a pretty intense conversation that ended in us sharing that we both want to actively cultivate openness&honesty with each other. I was super nervous starting that conversation because it's "weird" to care about things like this with friends, but I decided to do it anyway because we'd started out open, dammit, and if I was feeling it I wanted to be able to share it. I am really glad that I did.

The timing and creation of this is so delicately strung together -- I wasn't intended to be at the event where I met zir, but I tagged along with some friends; I didn't really talk with zir directly at the event but memorized zir name and decided to add zir on facebook anyway because ze seemed awesome (and I coached myself, like I do: "if ze thinks this is too weird, ze wouldn't be a good choice for a friend anyway"); ze messaged me out of nowhere; I followed up with actual plans... and this is zir last semester at my school. It would have been SO EASY for that first event to never happen, or for any of the things to have dissolved. I feel so fucking happy that everything wove together for now. Just a little while after we started hanging out (I think it was after our nine-and-a-half hour conversation that felt like half that time) I remember telling Kylei that I felt confident that our friendship will last. And I am, but at the same time I'm nervous because there are elements that I worry could break things; it's a strange combination of certainty and insecurity.

*deep happy sigh*

2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

( important events in 2011 )

2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

( important events in 2011 )

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )

I'm going to put this whole post under an LJ-cut so it looks all tiny when really it will be EONS LONG.

( Serendipity hosted a memorial weekend party )

I'm going to put this whole post under an LJ-cut so it looks all tiny when really it will be EONS LONG.

( Serendipity hosted a memorial weekend party )

I just confessed to the person I dream-kissed last night my crazy crush and now I'm sooooooooooo nervous EEEEEEEEEK! AGH! And I did it via facebook so now I have to wait for zir to check zir messages AGH! Oh God/dess I'm so sillymadnessnervvvvvvvvvves ohmygod. *takes a deep breath* can I relax enough to sleep now? oh dear. Someone is playing violin on my nervesssssssss. *buries face in hands, then flails hands about, then clasps them!* ohmygodddddddddddddddddddddd *EXPLODES!*

BUT. Yesterday's topic was on dreamwork and I talked about the elements that make a dream more than a dream and this one had some of those elements and then this showed up today: http://punzel.livejournal.com/246737.html and so maybe it was a SIGN and not just wishfulness. :-/ I think I am going to be jumping nervously at every text until I hear from zir.

*chokes on jitters*

ETA: 30 minutes later I got swept by a wave of calm and I am riding it to sleep, g'night ;-)

I just confessed to the person I dream-kissed last night my crazy crush and now I'm sooooooooooo nervous EEEEEEEEEK! AGH! And I did it via facebook so now I have to wait for zir to check zir messages AGH! Oh God/dess I'm so sillymadnessnervvvvvvvvvves ohmygod. *takes a deep breath* can I relax enough to sleep now? oh dear. Someone is playing violin on my nervesssssssss. *buries face in hands, then flails hands about, then clasps them!* ohmygodddddddddddddddddddddd *EXPLODES!*

BUT. Yesterday's topic was on dreamwork and I talked about the elements that make a dream more than a dream and this one had some of those elements and then this showed up today: http://punzel.livejournal.com/246737.html and so maybe it was a SIGN and not just wishfulness. :-/ I think I am going to be jumping nervously at every text until I hear from zir.

*chokes on jitters*

ETA: 30 minutes later I got swept by a wave of calm and I am riding it to sleep, g'night ;-)

There's a hunger in me, a soul-deep craving. It is time to dive into something dark and wild. Time to be poured, stretched, turned inside out, consumed by something so vastly much larger than me, in which I am more significant, not less. I need an intense cleansing ritual, something that strips me to bare bones. Something that licks away my flesh, flings my spirit wide open. I feel such an intense drive but no direction; I don't know how to do this! I need guidance! I need I want I will I need I want I will I NEED I WANT I WILL.

There's a hunger in me, a soul-deep craving. It is time to dive into something dark and wild. Time to be poured, stretched, turned inside out, consumed by something so vastly much larger than me, in which I am more significant, not less. I need an intense cleansing ritual, something that strips me to bare bones. Something that licks away my flesh, flings my spirit wide open. I feel such an intense drive but no direction; I don't know how to do this! I need guidance! I need I want I will I need I want I will I NEED I WANT I WILL.

Some of you may remember the fair that Hannah and I just happened to discover the last day they were in town, which was my first fair. Well, today I gave Viv a ride to a meeting ze was going to, and we just passed right by it! (in a completely different part of town, by the way!) Of course I wanted to go, and Viv happily agreed -- so we went! again at night, again so serendipitously. ♥ (tonight I got a little red lobster to go with my violet seahorse :D)



( photos! )

Tonight I realized that I've dreamed of zir before we met! Here and here and once more (but I didn't write about the third one): my brain was using Adam Lambert as a metaphor for a violet spirit whom I'd not met. The first two times I dreamed of an unnamed person who just looked like zir, but in the last one ze was the singer. Silly me was disappointed -- I didn't get the message, "this is becoming real." In that last one, we kissed -- and I dreamed kisses exactly like Viv's (no one else has ever kissed me that way, so it wasn't a memory of the past!). I remember waking up and daydreaming about those kisses, and now I get them in REAL LIFE. Hence the smirk >;-}

( conflictedness: present, past, & future )

Once my intuition tells me "trust this" for the nth time, it'll sink in. I mean, I met zir in an everything-falls-into-place kind of way, I DREAMED ZIR KISSES EXACTLY, the fair just happened to be there -- how much more do I need?

Very Good Sign #452: ze disagrees with me confidently and matter-of-factly, without getting defensive or offensive. I LOVE THIS!

Some of you may remember the fair that Hannah and I just happened to discover the last day they were in town, which was my first fair. Well, today I gave Viv a ride to a meeting ze was going to, and we just passed right by it! (in a completely different part of town, by the way!) Of course I wanted to go, and Viv happily agreed -- so we went! again at night, again so serendipitously. ♥ (tonight I got a little red lobster to go with my violet seahorse :D)



( photos! )

Tonight I realized that I've dreamed of zir before we met! Here and here and once more (but I didn't write about the third one): my brain was using Adam Lambert as a metaphor for a violet spirit whom I'd not met. The first two times I dreamed of an unnamed person who just looked like zir, but in the last one ze was the singer. Silly me was disappointed -- I didn't get the message, "this is becoming real." In that last one, we kissed -- and I dreamed kisses exactly like Viv's (no one else has ever kissed me that way, so it wasn't a memory of the past!). I remember waking up and daydreaming about those kisses, and now I get them in REAL LIFE. Hence the smirk >;-}

( conflictedness: present, past, & future )

Once my intuition tells me "trust this" for the nth time, it'll sink in. I mean, I met zir in an everything-falls-into-place kind of way, I DREAMED ZIR KISSES EXACTLY, the fair just happened to be there -- how much more do I need?

Very Good Sign #452: ze disagrees with me confidently and matter-of-factly, without getting defensive or offensive. I LOVE THIS!

When we were out last Saturday, Kat K suggested I might be an "Indigo" after I spoke about something intuitive/precognitive (can't remember what it was now). I responded by saying that I believe everyone has intuition, and both Ash and Kat K disagreed. I've been thinking about it since then.

I absolutely DO NOT believe in "indigo" "crystal" "rainbow" or super-psychic children, or more accurately, I don't believe those things are inborn traits of certain special people, but that they are traits which ALL human beings have the potential for. Most people simply refuse to believe in or develop them -- despite experiencing aspects such as déjà vu (sometimes that's just remembering a similar situation, but sometimes it is remembering an important aspect of your life purpose, which I believe you knew before birth), precognitive dreams, a 'bad feeling' or a 'good feeling' or an urge to contact someone or knowing who is calling before you look at the phone or other things that are not considered aspects of intuition/psychic ability even though they are. The only children who are not "indigo" or "crystal" are those who have already been stamped into hiding those qualities -- through parents or peers who repress them. No child is born without these gifts, and no adult lacks the ability to draw them out and develop them. ( the traits are not appearing for the first time; they are being recognized and appreciated for the first time )

I am wholeheartedly and fiercely equalist in spiritual matters as in everything else. Every single person is just as gifted as everyone else. I think believing in special gifts for a select group is elitist and serves to cause those who believe themselves to be 'gifted' to be lazy, as they feel they were born with their gifts and don't need to develop themselves, and it causes those who don't believe themselves to be 'gifted' to feel helpless and not bother to develop themselves because they think it has no point. Believing that traits are inborn rather than self-created causes people to stagnate.

I do understand the draw of the concept -- it is wonderful to feel part of a group, especially part of a group that is better than everyone else. But like all exclusionary groups, it divides more than it draws together. Instead of feeling a kinship with the whole world, a person who believes themselves to be "Indigo" feels a kinship with other "Indigos" and feels no kinship or a lesser kinship with the rest of humankind (or sees them as 'less evolved' and in need of guidance by the more-evolved "Indigos"). It's natural to be more drawn to people who are like you -- but deciding this on a group basis rather than an individual basis is discriminatory.

When we were out last Saturday, Kat K suggested I might be an "Indigo" after I spoke about something intuitive/precognitive (can't remember what it was now). I responded by saying that I believe everyone has intuition, and both Ash and Kat K disagreed. I've been thinking about it since then.

I absolutely DO NOT believe in "indigo" "crystal" "rainbow" or super-psychic children, or more accurately, I don't believe those things are inborn traits of certain special people, but that they are traits which ALL human beings have the potential for. Most people simply refuse to believe in or develop them -- despite experiencing aspects such as déjà vu (sometimes that's just remembering a similar situation, but sometimes it is remembering an important aspect of your life purpose, which I believe you knew before birth), precognitive dreams, a 'bad feeling' or a 'good feeling' or an urge to contact someone or knowing who is calling before you look at the phone or other things that are not considered aspects of intuition/psychic ability even though they are. The only children who are not "indigo" or "crystal" are those who have already been stamped into hiding those qualities -- through parents or peers who repress them. No child is born without these gifts, and no adult lacks the ability to draw them out and develop them. ( the traits are not appearing for the first time; they are being recognized and appreciated for the first time )

I am wholeheartedly and fiercely equalist in spiritual matters as in everything else. Every single person is just as gifted as everyone else. I think believing in special gifts for a select group is elitist and serves to cause those who believe themselves to be 'gifted' to be lazy, as they feel they were born with their gifts and don't need to develop themselves, and it causes those who don't believe themselves to be 'gifted' to feel helpless and not bother to develop themselves because they think it has no point. Believing that traits are inborn rather than self-created causes people to stagnate.

I do understand the draw of the concept -- it is wonderful to feel part of a group, especially part of a group that is better than everyone else. But like all exclusionary groups, it divides more than it draws together. Instead of feeling a kinship with the whole world, a person who believes themselves to be "Indigo" feels a kinship with other "Indigos" and feels no kinship or a lesser kinship with the rest of humankind (or sees them as 'less evolved' and in need of guidance by the more-evolved "Indigos"). It's natural to be more drawn to people who are like you -- but deciding this on a group basis rather than an individual basis is discriminatory.

During Aurilion's visit, we made a spur-of-the-moment stop by the local eclectica store where I found the perfect tarot deck waiting for me. ( it was a destined happening )

These cards, who I have named Color Voices, speak to me. I'd always thought that tarot worked by simply pouring your energy in and allowing it to draw you to the cards that you subconsciously know are the right ones (because I believe in a universal consciousness); it had never really occurred to me that simple printed images could radiate their own energy in a way that made them feel like people. (or maybe it never occurred to me that I could feel them that way -- certainly others had expressed that, though not in so many words) But these cards? I can feel their presence like a person in the room! And the artwork on them could hardly be more 'me' if someone had created it with me in mind. They are so, SO beautiful. I feel like meeting them is a really important turning point for me.

I did a reading (my very first ever) for Aurilion that night (which was spot on) and a few days later did a reading for my partner, which was startlingly accurate. Then I tried doing readings for myself and they were meaningless, which I found really discouraging. But I got the impression that I simply need to practice 'attuning' myself to the cards (and I think it is harder to read for oneself).

So I wanted to ask a favor from my flist. ;-) Would you be willing for me to do a short reading for you and then post it here (public) with a photo of the cards? If you want, I can do it anonymously, and I'll screen comments to make that possible. Just PLEASE, do not expect me to be accurate or even meaningful to you -- I might be, but I don't have any practice or knowledge about this, so I could just as easily produce a confused mess. I'll do the first 8 comments from my flist, and then I'll edit this post to let you know that requests are closed. (if you're one of my newer friends I may not be able to do one for you because I need to have a sort of intuitive understanding of you since I can't pick up your energy directly, like in person) You can ask whatever question is on your mind or just ask for a general reading.

I'm hoping to get this finished before 1am Friday so it can be my art-sharing post for the week ;-) (One of my goals this year is to become more comfortable with deadlines and time-structure, eek)

ETA: yay, finished with mermaiden and c_a_turbulence's readings! six more to go!

During Aurilion's visit, we made a spur-of-the-moment stop by the local eclectica store where I found the perfect tarot deck waiting for me. ( it was a destined happening )

These cards, who I have named Color Voices, speak to me. I'd always thought that tarot worked by simply pouring your energy in and allowing it to draw you to the cards that you subconsciously know are the right ones (because I believe in a universal consciousness); it had never really occurred to me that simple printed images could radiate their own energy in a way that made them feel like people. (or maybe it never occurred to me that I could feel them that way -- certainly others had expressed that, though not in so many words) But these cards? I can feel their presence like a person in the room! And the artwork on them could hardly be more 'me' if someone had created it with me in mind. They are so, SO beautiful. I feel like meeting them is a really important turning point for me.

I did a reading (my very first ever) for Aurilion that night (which was spot on) and a few days later did a reading for my partner, which was startlingly accurate. Then I tried doing readings for myself and they were meaningless, which I found really discouraging. But I got the impression that I simply need to practice 'attuning' myself to the cards (and I think it is harder to read for oneself).

So I wanted to ask a favor from my flist. ;-) Would you be willing for me to do a short reading for you and then post it here (public) with a photo of the cards? If you want, I can do it anonymously, and I'll screen comments to make that possible. Just PLEASE, do not expect me to be accurate or even meaningful to you -- I might be, but I don't have any practice or knowledge about this, so I could just as easily produce a confused mess. I'll do the first 8 comments from my flist, and then I'll edit this post to let you know that requests are closed. (if you're one of my newer friends I may not be able to do one for you because I need to have a sort of intuitive understanding of you since I can't pick up your energy directly, like in person) You can ask whatever question is on your mind or just ask for a general reading.

I'm hoping to get this finished before 1am Friday so it can be my art-sharing post for the week ;-) (One of my goals this year is to become more comfortable with deadlines and time-structure, eek)

ETA: yay, finished with mermaiden and c_a_turbulence's readings! six more to go!

During Aurilion's visit, we made a spur-of-the-moment stop by the local eclectica store where I found the perfect tarot deck waiting for me. ( it was a destined happening )

These cards, who I have named Color Voices, speak to me. I'd always thought that tarot worked by simply pouring your energy in and allowing it to draw you to the cards that you subconsciously know are the right ones (because I believe in a universal consciousness); it had never really occurred to me that simple printed images could radiate their own energy in a way that made them feel like people. (or maybe it never occurred to me that I could feel them that way -- certainly others had expressed that, though not in so many words) But these cards? I can feel their presence like a person in the room! And the artwork on them could hardly be more 'me' if someone had created it with me in mind. They are so, SO beautiful. I feel like meeting them is a really important turning point for me.

I did a reading (my very first ever) for Aurilion that night (which was spot on) and a few days later did a reading for my partner, which was startlingly accurate. Then I tried doing readings for myself and they were meaningless, which I found really discouraging. But I got the impression that I simply need to practice 'attuning' myself to the cards (and I think it is harder to read for oneself).

So I wanted to ask a favor from my flist. ;-) Would you be willing for me to do a short reading for you and then post it here (public) with a photo of the cards? If you want, I can do it anonymously, and I'll screen comments to make that possible. Just PLEASE, do not expect me to be accurate or even meaningful to you -- I might be, but I don't have any practice or knowledge about this, so I could just as easily produce a confused mess. I'll do the first 8 comments from my flist, and then I'll edit this post to let you know that requests are closed. (if you're one of my newer friends I may not be able to do one for you because I need to have a sort of intuitive understanding of you since I can't pick up your energy directly, like in person) You can ask whatever question is on your mind or just ask for a general reading.

I'm hoping to get this finished before 1am Friday so it can be my art-sharing post for the week ;-) (One of my goals this year is to become more comfortable with deadlines and time-structure, eek)

ETA: yay, finished with mermaiden and c_a_turbulence's readings! six more to go!

You know when you're so in love with someone that your conversation is peppered with random 'I love you's just because you feel it so much you can't help but say it? And the other person says it back with just as much feeling and then you both sigh in contentment and smile quietly for a bit? I have TWO people like that in my life right now. I am the most blessed person ever. I know I would have chosen this life -- with all the shit too, yes ALL of it. I wish I had known that I had this to look forward to when I was in my darkest hours. I think it would have made a difference. But hey, I'm still here, so it doesn't really matter.

"Perfect love casts out fear" -- I am living that right now. I have love, true forever love, from the two most amazing people I have ever met, and it is casting out my fear. It no longer matters nearly so much to me that some people whom I love might think ill of me (I'm not perfect, it still matters -- but it no longer paralyses me), because I know that I can count on Ben and Hannah to see me for who I really am. Most friendships end. It seems that nearly all of my closest friendships are crashing down around my ears... Rebecca, Anika, Kaylene (although thank God, that was a friendly parting), and possibly Allison. I just sent her an email because I want to know if she wants to continue a friendship with me or not... I just can't tell. She could just be too busy... but if not, I want to know. If she's gotten all she can from our friendship and is ready to move on, I want to be able to gather my heart back to myself. She's still very important to me (always will be), and emotionally I feel like I am circling in the air, unable to land. I am okay with landing on either side, but I just can't fly any more. I feel like I am living in denial and I refuse to do that.

A few years ago I wouldn't have thought it was possible to be sad and so happy at the same time. I am still mourning Anika, though in a healthy way now. I can actually think about the fact that she's pregnant without wanting to cry over the fact that I won't be "Aunt Bel" or anything at all to that beautiful little girl (for whatever reason I am completely sure that it's a girl). It still saddens me but it doesn't rip me to shreds. I'm detatching, healing. And I know that a large part of the credit goes to all of you who offered me such wonderful support, in particular Sidhe, Mary Beth, and Kevloid. Thank you loves. And by the way, I'm not going to go back and respond to those comments individually, but know that I deeply value every caring word and the time taken to write them. I just feel like responding to them would drag me back into those feelings, and I want to move on.

-------------

I had a weird experience today at work -- this woman came through my line and just pissed me off. Usually the most a person can get out of me is irritation, but I was downright furious. And she wasn't even rude in tone or action -- just in her attitude. It was so incredibly disrespectful that I wanted to throw her stuff on the floor and scream at her to get the fuck away from me, and away from every human. Her attitude seemed to say, "humans are all worthless shit." I've never had such a strong reaction to such an indefinable thing -- there was something evil with her. I've been treated like a servant before -- this was different, far worse. And she had a kid! *shudder*

Fortunately, two customers later I got a customer who mentioned that I had checked him out before and said that I was always so smiley and friendly, and that gave me such a burst of positivity that it wiped off the other experience. I felt bad for not remembering him, but then with hundreds of customers a week it's really impossible.

And that reminds me! About a week ago, I checked out one lady who was just so fun. She started talking about these organic cookies that she loves and had to open, and eventually insisted that I have one (I protested, "but my hands are dirty!" but she insisted) -- it was quite yum. She complimented me on my bagging, my friendliness, the fact that I checked her ID for the alcohol and for her credit card, and the fact that I double-checked the turnstile to make sure she got all of her bags, and as she signed, she asked if I could call my manager up. Polly was actually on the register right in front of me, so I said, 'that's actually her right there' and pointed. She told me "You made it a joy" (!!!) and then went over to Polly and sang my praises to her. Polly agreed with her enthusiastically. ;-D I was blushing like crazy, but so pleased. I don't think the lady realized that part of the reason she was so delighted was because she wanted to be. She made it a joy for me, too! I love people who look for joy. ♥