I talked on the phone with Evelyn last night, impulsively, when I almost never talk on the phone. It was an intuitive instinct that I just followed, and I'm so glad I did. When I heard their voice my heart started glowing (by which I mean, I felt a sensation of radiating heat where I feel my heart energy center) and I felt unexpectedly overwhelmed with joy. We talked about stuff that we had been discussing via email, mostly affirming and clarifying things that had already been said. I felt relieved when they expressed that they had finally internalized (taken in as truth) the facts that 1) it is not a loving act to ignore one's own needs but rather is detrimental to oneself and those one loves and 2) it's not useful or loving to hide things from someone to protect them. I feel like denial/rejection of these facts was the core problem we were having last year, so I feel hopeful now. They apologized for hurting me, acknowledged that it was shitty and that I deserve honesty, openness, and kindness and said they'd do their best. And later that evening they shared with me a story that illustrated how they're working to put honesty first.

At one point they mentioned "you've forgiven me" just offhandedly, which pleased me to my core because it is usually very difficult or impossible for people to accept that my forgiveness has already happened. I usually end up feeling like I have to prove my love again. Which I know is not about me, but I can't help but feel a bit distrusted when that happens.

I referenced how they said they wanted to be in my life and asked what that looked like, and they said it looks like spending time together in person. Last year they were really impossible to plan with and I sort of expected a "not now, but sometime, eventually..." which would never actually happen, but they didn't make any backing out disclaimer-y comments! they seemed quite certain of what they wanted! and we made a plan to spend time together. Tomorrow.

I'm excited to be reconnecting with someone that I have a spirit connection with. When I say spirit connection, I mean I can feel what they are feeling. When they tell me something they don't mean, I can feel the truth anyway. When they're upset, I feel it as if it were my own emotion many times even if I'm not involved in the situation at all. When they're thinking of me, I can feel it. It works whenever I am open to it whether we're around each other or not. I have this kind of connection with Topaz and I have had it with Hannah and Kylei and I had moments of it with others. Having this kind of magic in my life really matters to me and I always grow by leaps and bounds through being close to someone who is my spirit kin. And it is just such a relief to be with someone who I have both strong intuitive understanding of through a spirit connection AND strong logical understanding of through a mind connection. That has only happened before with Topaz and Hannah. I usually have to work so hard to understand people and I'm constantly second-guessing. Such a relief to just know.

I know some of y'all are like "why are you like this!? will you ever learn?? you silly creature tsk tsk" and to that I answer magic is rare and I'm gonna suffer anyway because this world is an endless crawl over broken glass and acidic shit. *shrugs* if I'm gonna survive I have to take magic where I can find it.

My heart sings to me today through Florence + the Machine. It started with



"Heavy heavy i'm so heavy in your arms
(i'm so) Heavy heavy i'm so heavy in your arms
(i'm so) Heavy heavy i'm so heavy in your arms
(i'm so) Heavy heavy i'm so heavy in your arms

I was a heavy heart to carry
my beloved was weighed down
My arms around your neck
My fingers laced to crown

I was a heavy heart to carry
But you never let me down
When you had me in your arms
My feet never touched the ground

And is it worth the wait
All this killing time?
Are you strong enough to stand
Protecting both your heart and mine?"



Today I was feeling increasingly overwhelmed with sadness, with this longing ache, and I wasn't sure if it was mine, or the pain of someone I am connected to. It didn't feel poisonous or like it was damaging me, it just felt desperate, needing expression, needing LOUD needing SHOUTS, and I was grateful that today Serenity was away from the house because I went to the living room and put that song on (it had been repeating in my mind), put it loud, and sang and screamed along and wept and sobbed and danced in fury and meaning, flinging my roots down and my wings wide, thrashing wild. I kept on listening to more songs from Florence + the Machine's "Lungs" and "Ceremonials," singing and gesturing fiercely to the music.

I tell myself it will be worth the wait, I can make it through the slow death of time, I'll eventually be able to have joy that is not constantly strangled by they far-too-long sharply-thin unbreakable strings of my stress and have growth that doesn't wither every time I put out a new leaf. I try so hard to believe me, but part of me doesn't believe such a thing exists.

My heart is so heavy and I'm the only one strong enough to carry it. Why couldn't it be lighter? why couldn't I have people around me with light enough hearts and strong enough arms that they could help me with mine? But people with light hearts don't develop strong arms and people with heavy hearts always seem at their max. We don't know how to say no to carrying for others unless it will actually break us... so we allow gradually more and more to be added until we can't carry our own and end up dragging it behind on a leash, getting bruised and cut and bashed by every slightest bump in the road.



And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell
I'm gonna let it happen to me

A list of authors and the first book by them that I want to read:

( under a cut to hide the ugly formatting )

So, I went to Atlanta Poly Weekend (APW) yesterday and today, and had intended to go to all of it but I've discovered that even though the anxiety meds help enough to keep me from spiraling into negativity from not being able to interact, they don't actually reduce the amount of effort it takes. So I get super worn out from the constant brush of people. I've realized that I actually can't do conferences without staying in the hotel; I can do a one-day visit but that's it. The con takes all my energy and I don't have the extra for driving back and forth, especially when I never get a chance to be alone all day. Hopefully I will be able to afford a room next time.

I also realized two ways that I want to be more involved in local community; through anti-looksist work in general and by being volunteering to help with planning accessibility for APW. I don't think that I'm especially qualified, but I have learned a lot by example from the disability coordinator for TBC (and they're a friend of mine so I could probably ask advice) so I think I could be helpful, and I don't think APW can afford to hire someone. I sent a message offering, and if they don't follow up I'll seek them out more directly. Things I would definitely do include setting aside a quiet non-interaction space for anxious folk to take a break because fuck did I miss that.

I realized I want to be more involved in anti-looksist work because I went to a session about dating while fat and polyamorous and I realized again how radical a force for change it is to be anti-looksist, and how many skills I have in this area. I need to skill-share because it's so vital for all bodies to be treated as acceptable. Fat-hating connects to so many other oppressions, so destroying fat-hating reduces the power of other oppressions. I tend to think of self-work as 'fluffy' or less important but it isn't. People need self-love to survive oppression, and we need oppressed people to survive or we cannot destroy the system.

I also got to have a little date with Arizona yesterday! Their partners let us have the hotel room to ourselves for a few hours and we cuddled and talked and then we played with thumpy toys! I brought the floggers I made recently and hadn't had a chance to use, and Arizona brought toys too. We started with Arizona thumping my back with what is called a 'billy club' -- a long rubber rod about 1.5 inches in diameter with little rubber spikes on the end (like on a meat tenderizer). Arizona used one at first, then added another and played my back like a drum! I got really into the rhythm, which changed the way it felt because I felt like I was experiencing it in both physical and auditory ways at once. Then Arizona used a steel cane (a thin metal rod about 1 cm in diameter) on my back and bum and legs. Then we took a break and had cuddles, and then Arizona used my mini floggers, my rainbow flogger, and my black suede leather floggers. (I'll try to get some photos to show soon.) The rainbow flogger was actually my favorite -- it's heavy because there are many loops of cord, but it's diffuse at the same time, so it doesn't feel 'too much' in any particular way. Lastly Arizona used my paddle (a thick hairbrush-shaped wooden one) on my bum and legs. It's really interesting how different the sensations are, even after I'm somewhat desensitized due to build-up.

Arizona and I kissed a little bit and they swayed and smiled and said they loved kissing me, which pleased me very much. I wanted to have more time to kiss today but there were a lot of people around the whole time and it was too distracting. But! They're coming back up in two weeks and they said they definitely want one-on-one time with me then. I miss them a lot and it saddens me that I can only see them so rarely.

Tonight when I got home Serenity (my housemate) had been doing a ritual for the new moon and invited me to join. Together we lit candles (including the rainbow drip candles I had been saving for ritual) and incense, smoked hookah, and they danced to music while I drummed along and then after I put the drum aside and seat-danced for a little bit they playfully pulled at me with dance movements and I got up and danced with them. I didn't feel self-conscious while dancing and only felt self-conscious while drumming for a little bit. Drumming along with the music was lovely because I was more patient with myself than usual and didn't get angry when I missed a beat. I shifted this way and that with rhythms and felt in harmony with my drum in a way I haven't since before I moved into this house, three years ago. Kanika (my cat) and Lily (Serenity's service dog) kept us company and enjoyed the energy. I feel like tonight was meant to be -- I had a lot of maybe-plans that fell through for this to happen as it did.

So Topaz and I are finished with the break, and back to being romantic. I think I have posted all the things I learned from it; quite a lot really. We have decided to put off sex a while longer. They said their reasons aren't there any more, but over the past week I realized that it might be a good idea for me. I realized that if we start having sex again before I have active practice with asserting my needs, then I may subvert my needs out of fear that being assertive may decrease my chances of having sex. Sex is usually not that big a miss for me but it has been a very long time, relatively speaking, and sex is the easiest way of being fully, passionately present and I really miss that sense of passionate presence. But I would like to practice being fully, passionately present in non-sexual ways, and this will be motivation for that practice.

Seeing Topaz again (on Monday) was a relief, but also didn't feel fully real. That day they got some deeply tragic news, so they were really sad. They were worried that I wouldn't want to see them but of course I did, I would always want to be there for them on such a day. We had really good, connected time despite the sad.

I had forgotten what kissing was like (when I say I have an awful memory I am not kidding). I was swept away, kissing them. I got images in my mind from the sensation and the emotion -- flowing brown watercolored silk with deep red, and brass roses with swirly flame-burnished colors at one point, and at another a sense of a green lush garden in Wonderland, with symbols floating and characters wandering. I don't know why I was getting visuals but I really love it and hope it continues. I was very wrapped up in the moment. I also forgot that I shudder with pleasure from kissing -- I mean, I forgot enough to be surprised, and then was surprised that I was surprised because it is something I would think I would be thoroughly aware of by now. I always feel just a little self-conscious about it, because even though it is involuntary I feel worried after that the person may think I'm 'being dramatic' or something.

I love kissing so much. My favorite kind of kiss is pressing lips softly together, with mouths open just enough for tongues to be able to caress each other -- maybe half an inch. I don't like it when people have their teeth together or when they have their mouth wide open. I like tongues to be relaxed, touching each other and lips and teeth, reaching at least to just inside the other person's mouth. I don't like it when I have to do all the reaching in, and I don't like it when people stick their tongue in my mouth like they're being rude to the back of my throat. And people have to be willing to suck their own tongue and swallow occasionally (which always is an awkward second) so that there isn't too much saliva. I like some closed-mouth kissing -- I like sucking on someone's lower lip and caressing their lips with the tip of my tongue, and I consider it the height of erotic to press the tip of my tongue in between someone's almost-but-not-quite-closed lips. And I like gently sliding my lips along their lips, just a little bit, and vice versa. I like very VERY gentle, broad lip biting (my lips split easily so it must be gentle, and it must be a large section not a tiny piece of my lip). I like to touch peoples' face when I kiss them and vice versa. I like to touch someone's lips with my fingers before kissing them, and sometimes during (just touching the corner of their mouth).

prompt from lusimeles: which fictional character do you feel the most affinity with?
Books: Chrysoberyl from Brain Plague and the unnamed protagonist from Biting the Sun.
Movies: Maleficent from Maleficent and Joan from Playing by Heart.
Video Games: Alice from Alice: Madness Returns (also the Lewis Carroll books but less so) & the Sylvari from Guild Wars 2.
If you added these characters together, you would get pretty much exactly me. The only thing missing is a profound love of color.

---

Image: cover art for "Brain Plague." In the foreground on the right is a person with pale ivory skin and vibrantly, shockingly red hair and blue eyes. Their hair is flying in front of their face and behind them, and as it drifts behind them it turns into streamers or ribbons. Behind them is a honeycomb lattice of red stone, with glass blocks filling up each hexagon. Through the glass blocks there is a volcano that is smoking as if it is soon to erupt, and the sky is red. In the foreground in front of all of this is a trail of butterflies and moths, fluttering toward the face of the person from the bottom left. The predominant color is RED and it gives a sickly, almost menacingly hot feeling that contrasted with the light, fluttery butterflies and streaming hair makes one feel off-balance. Art is by David M Switzer.

Chrysoberyl (Chrys) is an artist, a 'colorist' (because paint is obsolete in a digital world) who chooses to adopt a colony of sentient microbes to live in their brain. Throughout the novel Chrys engages with ideas of ethics that I think most people do not give a crap about, but I relate very intensely. This gets Chrys into a LOT of trouble, and not the cute kind. Also, when given a choice of any type of body imaginable, Chrys chooses to look their own age and be massively strong, not caring at all what that looks like or that most people will see a super-muscular woman as unattractive. Chrys cares more about creating art than anything else, and makes art that either comments on reality in a way that is too truthful to be appealing, or expresses a kind of connection that is unique and profoundly appealing. Chrys also is good at empathy and when they realize they're being judgmental about something (such as the way a particular kind of sentient robot looks) they work on changing their attitude.

---

Image: illustration for "Biting the Sun." In the foreground a slender white person lounges on the ground, propped up on one arm with the other draped over their hip. They're wearing a wide red velvet headdress with a u-shaped hornlike ornament at the forehead, and a filmy yellow dress with a bronze metalic part cupping their breasts, which are mostly bare. Just behind them peering over their hip is a three-eyed duck-billed white-furred creature. Walking towards them are two peacocks, one of them albino. Behind all this is a sweeping darkness with starry spots on it: a wall with a gigantic round window. Outside the window you can see many mushroom-shaped buildings, fading into the distance. At the horizon is a transportation track on extremely high beams, and arching over it all is a dome, only marked by the join lines. Outside the dome are two suns. Art is by Celine Loup.




The unnamed protagonist from Biting the Sun is someone who I strongly identify with because they reject hedonism and seek to be themselves even though this makes them a pariah. They also have a terribly rude pet, and they are deeply moved by the act of caring for plants. They set out merely to change their own life, but others are drawn to them and they share what they know as they can.

---

( this is a bit long and there are more images )

One of the effects of being on anxiety meds now is that my desire for sex is significantly increased. I now understand why most of the time when I get drunk, I want to have passionate kisses and maybe sex; drinking reduces my anxiety. This in combination with the circumstances in which I get drunk (celebrating with people I love, usually) means that I suddenly become aware of desire. I think that anxiety interrupts my sexual desire before it gets to the point of even being a conscious thought.

The unpleasant aspect of this is is that I am not currently in any sexual relationships. I think it is rather sad that when I had the people I did not have the skills to know and ask for what I wanted, and now that I am self-aware enough to know exactly what I want and be able to ask for it very clearly and without pressure or fear, I don't have anyone to ask. My previous lovers are unavailable in various ways (several live out of state now). I wish I was bold enough to invite someone to have sex with me outside of the context of a relationship but I'm not, partly because I have never done it and it's possible that without being in love I won't get much out of it? I'm so curious, but a complete unknown is not something I want to take such a risk for, at least not at this point.

My ideal lover is:
- anti-oppression & growth-focused & self-aware & good at self-care (so that we can be friends):
- good at using spiritual/emotional energy to create sensation and/or deepen connection
- good at negotiating expectations
- very communicative, especially about what they enjoy or dislike
- as good at initiating as they are at responding
- generous and skilled at adjusting touch based on reactions
- into planning a sexperience
- fond of being bitten, especially receiving marks
- into percussion play, giving and receiving

I had posted on fb about wanting to receive percussion, and a friend responded offering to give that to me. It took a long time to schedule it but we finally set a plan for last Sunday, and I went to their house (since I was already halfway there to meet another friend). The friend who offered lives with another friend of mine, and I ended up cuddling with them and then being flogged by one and paddled by the other. The flogger was long heavy slim strips of suede, mostly thuddy with some sting. The paddle was the size of a small ceiling fan blade but about an inch thick. I was intimidated at first but it didn't feel heavier than mine (which is the same thickness) and in fact was less intense because the impact was more spread out.. It was a very relaxing and enjoyable experience, very sensual without being sexual. It confirmed for me that the sensation of being flogged or thumped with heavy objects is magical for me. I had completely forgotten the sensation of the energy building up on my back until after I was flogged and then someone put a hand on my back and I felt it go through a layer of energy before touching me. I then asked that they let the energy sit for a while next time, and they of course obliged. The second time, the energy was even more palpable, and I felt exposed in a very unique way.

Later, one of them offered to let me try their steel finger claws and I did and HOLY FUCK I had the hardest time not digging in. I restrained myself pretty hard and still was giddy enough that one remarked to the other "was I this delighted when you gave them to me?" I felt like I finally could feel the physical manifestation of a spiritual part of me and it was a revelation. I need some for myself. Not need like I will suffer damage without them, but need as in to be my fullest self.

what are your most powerful spiritual experiences? if you've transitioned to a different religion/spiritual philosophy, did you recontextualize the experience in any way? did the power or depth of an experience diminish at all due to a transition? if so, why? (from here)

My most powerful spiritual experiences: when I felt a strong warning, "no," as I was walking through a river and was about to step in a spot, but I dismissed it as not real and stepped anyway and nearly sliced my toe off on broken glass and had to go to the hospital and get like 28 stitches (age 9); when trees have spoken to me (it happened twice where it was strong enough that I felt no doubt); when interacting with los Niños Santos; when I realized that an afterlife didn't make sense to me anymore and stopped believing in it; when I had a dream-that-felt-more-real-than-waking about having sex underground with Geb; when I felt someone energetically draining me through my lover and did energy work deliberately for the first time out of desperation; when I help someone find a name that is true for them; when I have had sex in ways that involve more spiritual/energetic interactions than physical ones; when singing and dancing in church, particularly once when I felt Jesus' presence so intensely that I didn't doubt it; one time when a prophet gave me a message from Godde saying "I believe in you" which both felt very validating and turned my perception of deity on its ear; once when I felt the presence of Aphrodite while interacting with a lover who I perceived as a priestess/incarnation of them; when I felt perfect unity of consciousness with a lover to the point where I wasn't sure which limb was mine, and we spoke the same words at the same time; when I have sensed the emotions of my spirit-kin over great distance of mind and body; when I felt/saw the heartbeat of the forest; when I have dreams about people who are important to me that I meet, later; when I felt in great despair and then found a green-blue piece of sea glass (I had never found any before despite careful searching); I'm sure there are others.

Some of my experiences have been recontextualized. I used to attribute everything spiritual to a singular god, but now I don't attribute things to deity unless I feel a specific presence. For instance, finding the sea glass I would have taken as comfort from god, whereas now I take it as me desperately seeking a sign of hope and drawing it to me and me to it with the force of my longing. This doesn't make it less meaningful to me, it makes it more meaningful. Rather than relying on something external, I rely on myself. I don't need attention from a particular being to be able to have magic.

Here are some old dreams that never got posted:

May 14, 2015:
hannah-my-hannah came to visit me and we were at a mossy creek taking photos. such magic.

June 10, 2015: ( drowned a rapist but they wouldn't die )

June 12, 2015:
Dreamed that it was my birthday and everyone came but then ignored me and talked only to each other.

July 5, 2015: ( dinosaurs killing noisy people )

July 14, 2015:
dreamed I was in a giant second-hand shop w a copperhead whose mouth opened up to the size of 2 dinner plates. had to find & rescue Kanika.

September 1, 2015: ( dinosaurs w glowing heads, colors witch, other magic, then Aurilion shows up at my trauma graduation )

What is a skill you've always wished to have, but don't? What had stopped you from pursuing it, or what stopped you from achieving it? (from here)

I always wanted to be able to do structured dance. First it was ballet, then modern dance, then bellydance that I wanted to learn. I took bellydance classes for a little while, but when my teacher (who gave me a discount) stopped teaching I couldn't find anyone who taught near enough and cheap enough. Eventually I stopped looking for a new teacher. I think I was also hindered by lack of someone to do it with - part of my success when I did take classes was that I had a friend taking them with me.

I've also always wanted to paint, blow glass, sculpt, and draw well. In these things also I have not learned due to lack of money, teacher, and classmate. I have self-taught some other skills, but with painting and sculpting, the cheap materials are so much harder to work with, and with glass there is a HUGE financial barrier, and with drawing... I think with drawing I just got discouraged and never found a thing that I needed to draw enough to work at it. I wanted to learn to make fractals from the first time I saw them, but it took me years to even try, and I began with a tutorial. After that I felt like I understood enough to start experimenting.

How would you define luck and would you consider yourself lucky relative to the society you live in?

I define luck as being on the good side of random chance. Most things have a lot of forces pushing them, but when those forces get balanced, it is random chance that decides which way they go. To be lucky is to have those chances fall in your favor. I think you can make this happen. In cases where only the tiniest bit of a push makes the choice, that tiny push can be something like your desire, your prayer, etc. I didn't believe in luck as a thing of itself until I saw a string of such ludicrously bad luck that I felt there must be such a thing, and I took some actions to try and break it and it seemed to help.

A lot of times people use 'lucky' instead of 'privileged' as in "I was lucky to be born white" but that is not luck, because being born white is not a factor of random chance - you had very little chance of having dark skin if both parents were white. Privilege is not luck because it is not random and it is not value-neutral (but privilege and luck can go hand-in-hand).

I consider myself fairly lucky in some respects; I have amazing thrifting luck, and I have had good luck finding amazing friends, and I have good luck with my car. I cultivate this luck by pushing into it with my will so that any time forces are balanced I push them over to my favor.

I made myself a new spiritual tool. (I'll try to get a good photo of it soon) It's a set of reflection beads (like prayer beads or meditation beads, but not from any religion). I made it with 80 beads: 11 spring-green translucent prehnite beads for my core values, 22 glow-in-the-dark light green & clear glass beads for my desires, 13 white moonshine beads for my gratitudes, 13 shimmery grey-violet glass beads for my people, 11 green kyanite beads for my deities, 8 kambaba jasper beads for my nature elements, and 2 large prehnite beads for the quality I am most trying to develop (to be reflected on at the beginning and at the end). I made a little booklet to go with it, where I wrote down little verses which I will read aloud and reflect on (and hopefully eventually memorize but I'm doubtful).

My core values are the thing that started all this off: justice, growth, creativity, connection, curiosity, openness, honesty, action, reverence, respect, thoroughness. (the details on my core values verses)


I also came up with 22 desires, phrased as thank-yous. These are things like "thank you for tangible, memorable spiritual interactions."

Gratitudes I plan to do on the spot and varied each time, and they'll probably be things like "the sweet warmth of the sun." I will say a thing I feel grateful for and rest in that for a moment.

People will vary over time, but at any one point I will have a certain set of names, and do a little gratitude/well-wishes for each person. I made up a new set of paper coins which I will draw from them each time.

For deities, I looked up traditional honorifics and titles, used some of those and interpreted from some old ones to make new ones that were more suitable for me. I listed out a good number of their titles, thanked them for their attention, and requested their blessings and promptings in the ways that I felt they most care about. I included Bast, Nuit, Geb, Hapi, Renenutet, Ma'at, Taweret, Hathor, Shiva, Jesus, Aphrodite (in no particular order).

For nature, I wrote little four-line poems of praise for the 8 aspects of nature that I most connect with: fungi, trees, wood violets, witchgrass, moss, stones, fruits and vegetables, and vines (in no particular order).

What do I think is happening when I do energy work? I think that people's electric fields get dirty and hungry just like bodies, but since people don't often think about them or practice tuning in, they get neglected a lot. I think that what I am doing is using my energy field to interact with theirs in a way that clears it and pulls in nourishment for them. I think that it's really pretty simple and small, but just like a snack can totally change your outlook if you really need it, or pulling a splinter out can provide huge relief, it can feel really intense. I don't think that anyone needs energy work from another person (except maybe in rare circumstances) because your subconscious is pretty good about pushing you toward things that your energetic self needs. It's just a help.

---

Before I ever deliberately practiced interacting with energy, I prayed and practiced "laying on of hands" which is christian-speak for energy work. I remember the first time was when I was maybe 6 or 7, and the pastor had me stand on the stage at the front of the church and put my hands on the head of a middle-aged man who stood below. I asked what I was supposed to be doing and the pastor said "just pray for God to help him." I was devout from the age of four so this was not uncomfortable or difficult for me. I prayed, and after a little while the man fell over. I was used to people being 'slain in the spirit' but I felt very surprised that my prayer could have such an effect.

----------TW/content warning for this paragraph: pregnancy/baby scare (everything turns out okay)-------------
Later when I was about 9 or 10, I was babysitting (as a "mother's helper") for a three year old when the pregnant mother started having pains. They were really worried while waiting for a ride to the hospital and I asked if I could put my hands on their belly and pray for them. They eagerly said yes, so I did, and it calmed them and helped them to feel better. Then they went to the hospital, and everything was okay after (no one told me any details). They later thanked me effusively. It might have just been that my faith was calming in a moment of panic, but their reaction made me feel like I did something profound.
---------END content warning--------

The next time I remember affecting someone was when I was maybe 21 and my mom's back was hurting, and I rubbed it. Afterward they asked me if I had used a hotpack or something because they were feeling so much heat out of my hands. A few years after that I was at a free energy healing and someone passed their hands in front of me and so much heat was radiating from their hands that I thought they were holding a candle up next to my face. I opened my eyes, prepared to stop them from waving open flame at me, but their hands were empty. I was still feeling just as much heat from them so I know it wasn't some kind of trick. Since then I felt sure that energy could be shifted in a physical way by thought alone.

---

I definitely have felt physical sensations in my hands when doing energy work, especially with migraines. They feel like really intense static most of the time, like a constant yet inaudible screeching. I feel like these are more workable than most physical ailments because they have possibly an electrical cause? I dunno, it might just be that I try to help with migraines more than other physical ailments because since nothing else will work, might as well try. I did have one experience with Abby where they started to have a migraine and were losing vision and I did energy work and stopped the migraine (either stopped it from getting worse or put it to the 'hangover' stage, I don't remember). They said that usually once they start to lose vision even their meds don't help, but this did. I was really glad to be able to do that. When Topaz has a migraine, I can sometimes help, but it varies. They described it thus: a migraine is usually like an exposed and splintered broken bone where someone is jabbing at the wound with a finger. I can't help with the broken bone, but I can stop the person from jabbing at it. Topaz says that usually they just feel relief while I am actively working but sometimes it lasts after. Sometimes when they have just a regular headache I can make it go away completely during, and feel somewhat better after.

The most pronounced physical sensation I ever experienced was when I was doing energy work unintentionally on someone with MS. They had asked me for a massage to help with their chronic pain and explained how to do it (in a way that I would now clearly envision as energy work): I was to do light sweeping rubs all over, in a direction from the outer limbs to the heart. I wish I could remember more specifically. Anyway, it was the second time I was doing it and my ears started ringing, I got intense vertigo and felt weak and I had to go lay down on the floor for like 15 minutes, while my head wouldn't stop spinning. I felt very bad about it but even though I tried to push through I just couldn't. I only recently learned (or remembered) that vertigo and physical weakness are symptoms of MS -- I think I was probably tapping in to their experience without realizing. All I knew was that it was kind of scary and I must have made some kind of mistake. This was before I had ever practiced shielding.



I used to have such a problem with picking up other people's energy that going out in public was hellishly draining. I went to a "woman's healing" group for survivors of sexual abuse and one of the things they taught us was how to not pick up other people's burdens. They emphasized that we couldn't help others by taking on their pain. Instead, they said that we should put up shields and if we wanted to help someone and that person wanted our help, act as a facilitator to let 'God' take their burden. I felt such a huge difference when I began to shield against the randomly broadcast emotions of others: I could go out in public without coming home feeling raw and wretched. Also, when I practiced being a funnel for Godde's love I could help others without making myself useless for days. Later (last year) I took a class on energy work and they said the same things in different words, affirming my experience.

I almost always do energy gifting/blessing as a funnel from the universe or from the person's own deity if they have one who wants to give to them at the time. When I do energy work on people, it's mostly me sensing where something has attached to their energy that is hurting/blocking them or sensing where they feel a lack, and then pulling out what doesn't belong or calling for what they need and sending it in. All of this is happening not with my eyes but with my hands - sort of. I use gestures because that helps me to focus my intention, but I don't often have a physical sensation in my hands unless the issue is something malignant or physical. I feel safe just feeling around and going by intuition because I don't think people can be damaged from energy work as long as the worker isn't trying to assert their own will.*

I consider it a very bad idea to try and give away my own energy. I consider doing that to be damaging myself and probably influencing the other person in ways I can't fathom. One of my early healing processes was pulling back the pieces of myself that had been given away or stolen by others, and it astonished me how much more control I had over my own thoughts and feelings without these constant influences from others. Considering this, I feel that it would be unethical of me to accept other people's energy if I feel that them giving it would damage them. So, if someone uses a method of energy work or prayer that involves them giving a piece of themselves, I am not okay with them doing energy work on my behalf.

Also, if someone wants something from me that I'm not wanting to give right now, I am not okay with them doing ANY kind of energy work or prayer on/about me, because I feel it's very likely that they'd end up subconsciously trying to manipulate me. I don't think it would work because I shield from that, but it would take energy from me to push that away. I got a birthday card from a relative once that seemed harmless enough, but just touching it made me feel terrible, and I think it's because they were trying to pray the gay away.

*I do my best to only do energy work that is NOT manipulative. What this means in practice is that I won't do energy work or prayer that involves choosing a particular path to a goal or anything that involves pushing someone toward a specific choice. For example, I consider it okay to do a spell for getting closer friends, but not okay to do a spell for a particular person to become a close friend. It's okay to do a spell for my work to be noticed, but not to do a spell for my boss to think that I am smart. I will do spells for anything that could happen by chance. I will not do spells that push on someone's will. I feel that a lot of magic is about chance, randomness, so I will always be vague enough that there are at LEAST three ways a 'yes' could happen.

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Recently I asked who would want to be a name in a jar for me to occasionally send energy to, but I didn't explain. Here's how that would work:

I would sit in my sanctuary and pull a circle from the jar, read the name aloud a number of times while picturing the person, and then I would reflect on what I know about them and 'ask' what they need (or go check my list to see what they had said was okay to send to them). Whatever came to mind, I would envision coming their way. So, if I got the sense that they needed rest, I would picture them sighing in relief and relaxation and I would come up with a short phrase to repeat over and over while thinking about them, something like "all chances for rest are extra nourishing." (I would NOT say something like "plenty of sleep and plenty of down time" because that might be the opposite of what they need!) I'd then open up my crown and pull in energy from the universe which I would envision flowing into me, out of my hands, to them. I'd do this until I felt done.

A few weeks ago I was hanging out with Heather and they offered to do a rune reading for me. I was curious and agreed, and they told me to think of a question and then draw three runes. I did, and then they interpreted them for me. The first they said was about worth, perhaps material worth or self-worth. The second they said was about mysteries or magic, and that they associate it particularly with the vagina. The third was about success after a period of time (with nuances I have forgotten). They said that the first one is the source of the problem, the second is the solution, and the third is what will happen if you follow the solution. So then I told them that I had asked "how will I find my next romantic relationship?" and asked them to interpret again in light of that.

They then looked at the runes and laughed and said that the strongest impression they got was that I was asking the wrong question. I said that what I had sensed as they explained the first time was that my problem was in not having the resources as well as not believing in my worth, really. I felt the solution I was being told was to invest in my own magic, and that it would take time. Heather said that felt right. So I was like, HOW do I do that? And Heather told me to draw three more.

The first Heather interpreted as "you know what to do but you're resisting." They said I'm holding to a set of patterns that doesn't fit. Also, when this is near the next rune I pulled, it means ask for advice. The next one means prepare for harvest, implying a slow process. The third is firm indication that it is not time for new starts, that things are outside your control. Then I drew one more, don't remember why, and that one was "Isa" which means delay, wait for a better time.

This last set I felt was saying wait, wait, also wait some more, and let it come to you. And really, I feel I have learned that people who come to me end up being the ones who have strong positive impact, and when I chase people I just end up with wasted energy. Not everyone who comes to me is good for me, but everyone who is good for me has come to me. I know what actually works for me is to just focus on being as true to myself as possible, and staying open to people who reach out. I can't find them, I can only draw them.

Yet I was trying to find them because dammit, I thought I was ready. But also I was pushing myself because the longer I go dating just one person, the more I feel judged and rejected by poly people, and I wanted to escape that. I also just miss the kind of awareness that I only have when in multiple romantic relationships. But really, while I might be emotionally ready in one sense because I'm no longer dealing with squelching depression, I am overwhelmed with the multiplicity of things demanding my attention and adding another, no matter how lovely, would probably be a terrible idea. While I was disappointed, I was also relieved, and realized I had been putting a lot of pressure on myself and feeling bad because my efforts were failing and what if I never find anyone new who is awesome and why doesn't anyone want to date me etc.

Also, the fact that one of them suggested asking for advice made a lot of sense to me, because I am terrible at differentiating between potential and actuality and making decisions based on now. For instance, if a person is really amazing, but is so busy that we never see each other, I have a hard time deciding to not invest emotionally now. Or if a person really wants to build the skills I value, but isn't actually doing it or is doing it so slowly that it will be years before they have the skills that nourish me, I have a hard time moving on, or putting it on low priority. Heather and Topaz are both very good at evaluating those sorts of situations, and I think that if I had asked them for advice over recent years I would have saved myself a lot of unproductive energy drain.

This was definitely the most useful divination I've ever experienced. I felt a positive shift in myself after. I felt affirmed in the fact that I have been investing more in my own magic these past 3 months than I ever had in my life before. I feel comforted that I'm not lacking in new romance because there is something lacking in me. I feel inexplicably reassured that there are people who I could feel deep connection with who I have yet to meet. And I feel much better about the fact that I can't find people and have to wait for them to find me. I will still make small overtures when they feel right, but I'm not going to try to do "what everyone else does." And the energy that I was spending on trying to meet new people I am instead going to spend on my current friends.

Two weeks ago I went with Heather to an event called Chantlanta and experienced kirtans for the first time. I had mixed feelings about the leaders of the chants and event (it felt like there were appropriation issues, especially in the vendor area), but the chants themselves were amazing. Heather explained that the chants are considered sacred in that just saying them brings more of that thing into the world, that the thing is contained in the word (this is a thing that I have always believed and I feel happy to know another belief system (besides Kemetic systems) that does too). As I was chanting I imagined the words leaving my mouth as orbs of energy.

Heather and I attended two of them, and at the first there were several that when we first chanted them they made me cry, and others that also hit me in a strongly emotional way. The second one wavered between really powerful and really jarring, because the leader kept shifting the rhythm and tone every time it started to get intense. Still, there was a point where this sensation of floatiness filled my head to the point that it shocked me and I stopped chanting, just feeling it until it faded. I kinda wish I had kept on chanting because I want to know what would have happened if I had just gone into it.

The chants about Shiva made me cry, each time, unexpectedly. I didn't know anything about them, yet I felt so intensely longing and sad-happy at their mention. I looked up their traditional titles to write verses of praise for them, and one of their honorifics refers to memory/concentration/focus, which resonated so strongly with me. I understand why it made me cry: thinking about memory often makes me cry because I feel great loss there. Shiva makes me feel hope for memory.

I want to figure out if there is a good way for me to participate in kirtans in the future. It makes me really uncomfortable to give support to white leaders of a ritual that was created by those who white people have oppressed and continue to oppress. I also just don't want to learn from people who might not understand the nuances of things. But it's not like there's a guide so I'm not sure how to check, besides looking up pictures of the leaders I guess.

I looked up some things and Sikhs (one of the religious groups that use the practice of chanting) seem to welcome others to join in their worship, but I don't know if that is just for 'potential devotees' or if they are okay with people who are definitely not going to convert still participating. I think I'll email the nearby temple and ask. I don't know if theirs would be ones I want to participate in though, because they are strongly monotheistic and there's a lot of gender in their conception of deity. And gender is the most alienating thing for me.

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I've been working on this post since then and reading about cultural appropriation with regards to this - most of the stuff I found was about yoga, but some of it referenced the chants. From what I gather, yoga is a practice that is meant to put one in the space for meditation, and to use it as mere exercise is profaning a sacred practice. Other issues are profiting from the severed pieces of yoga and Hinduism (for instance images of deities on objects sold for the purpose of fashion or decoration not worship), exoticizing, and sexualizing. I think for me there is also the money aspect that is a problem, but after looking into it, I think that there is a respectful way for me to participate in kirtans, so I feel encouraged to keep exploring. And I haven't yet asked anyone "what if I never convert" but I did ask a local temple about attending and they were very welcoming, so I may attend one and then ask about that.

I haven't been this regularly spiritually inspired and nourished -ever. I was gonna say "in a long time" but really, I think the previous longest streak that felt like this was a week and a half. I can't express how good it feels. I think part of what is fueling it is the fact that I've been keeping up with writing and daily photo-taking and daily unprompted openness and regular time with friends and time in nature. The flow of creativity and connection is very inspiring. Also I think I'm in a great place where I am starting to develop things that I have already discovered, and it builds much faster than when I'm initially just fumbling around.

This Wednesday I met up with Cass (a close friend of Heather's who I have known peripherally for a long time) and we had some great talks. Partway through we parted so that I could do my weekly meditation, and I sat on a dock next to the river and stared at the water for a while, and closed my eyes for a while, and had a difficult time settling in. Eventually I was able to get in the space (it is much harder for me when I am not in my sanctuary) and as I was meditating I realized that I want to re-make my sistrum with a heavier handle, perhaps with stones embedded. I felt really pleased with this prospect. After meditation Cass asked if they could ask me what my meditation was like. I said firstly, you can always ask me any question ever, and on the rare occasion when I don't wish to answer, I will just say so. Then I rambled about what I do and as I did so came to realize what it is that I do.

I don't ever do emptiness meditation. Sometimes I hold an object and focus on it, sometimes I gaze at something and focus intently on that, sometimes I look through a deck of oracle/tarot cards, sometimes I read a book, sometimes I chant, sometimes I dance, sometimes I focus on my breathing, sometimes I focus on a situation that I want to change. In a good number of these, I am thinking. But when I start going down a thought-trail I have already explored, I stop. And I just block off old thoughts, one by one, until new ones have a chance to come up. I developed this totally unintentionally but I really like it.

Cass also asked me what eye contact feels like for me, which was also a question I hadn't considered. I reflected, and said that with most people I become a mirror, they look in my eyes and see themselves reflected, but through a lens of compassion. The first time I did silent prolonged eye contact with someone, the person cried and cried (that one was at least 10 minutes). People always seem to have a strong emotional response. I tend to get a strong sense of their pain or longing when this happens, sometimes seeing bits of memories that aren't mine. I enjoy giving them feelings of being noticed, of being cared for.

I'd really like to get that feeling others seem to get, but I think that maybe that requires a skill most people don't have or maybe I unconsciously block off the flow in that direction or both. I know I need to trust the person on multiple levels: trust that they want to see me truly and without a role or pedestal, trust that when they see me they will be reverent, trust that they can handle my full self without crumbling, trust that they will not use what they learn to manipulate me whether on purpose or accidentally, trust that they will not attach to me or pull my energy from me. So, yeah, writing this out I realize why I have rarely had eye contact be so emotional for me; that list is a rare and extremely high level of trust. I have such a deep level of easy-vulnerability that the vulnerable-to-me level is something most don't seem to look for. Few people seem to realize that more exists, much less ask me to open that up for them.

I have had transcendent eye contact, mostly during sex. I feel like that is when people get in a space of focus where it is easier for them to try and see me without getting distracted by their reflection. Also, there was this barista I met in a coffeeshop when I was 19, who from the moment I met them locked eyes with me and it felt comfortable and easy and natural and loving, and we had amazing conversations for the 6 months that I frequented that coffeeshop. But between that person and now, I have had a number of experiences where people would make eye contact with me and try to attach to me or pull from me, both of which feel like someone trying to sneakily rub their genitals on you. It's awful. But then the people that I do trust tend to consider eye contact too difficult. So I don't make a lot of eye contact now, relative to me. Relative to your average person I make a SHITTON of eye contact.

This Thursday was a very eventful and nourishing day. ( school stuff in the morning )

I spent the rest of the day with LilyWolf: we talked for a while and then had prolonged eye contact (like, 20-30 minutes, way more than others can usually do). At that point I realized how tired I was and asked them to drive us to the oneness blessing, which they cheerfully did. The blessing circle was at someone's house instead of a church, and it felt much better. We used to meet in the rooms where the age 10-18 kids spend time, which feels rather chaotic and exposed: the room we meet in now is set up as a sanctuary and you can feel the calm infused throughout.

During the blessing, I first felt energy go into me in a kind of shower, flowing through me from the person's hands into the earth and then it sort of bounced back, so it was this ellipse flowing through me. That was true for the first few times, and then I started to feel a sort of pressure/fullness in the center of my forehead each time. As usual my thoughts got more clarified and creative as the hour moved forward, and I felt a sense of relief in my brain. I was really glad to have gone, just for that, and reminded of how good it is for me to go regularly because it has a cumulative effect and one of the things it seems to do is heal my mind a little from the ways that ADD stresses it.

Giving the blessing felt a little awkward and barely-trickling at first, because it had been so long since I did it last, but it opened up with each instance. With one person, I felt they had a sort of stern maternal deity, and when I let it flow from them through me to the person, I started to feel like I was floating up from my feet! I've never felt anything like that before and it was really unexpected from such a deity. The next person in the circle, I felt a sense of white flowy sweet gentleness that reminded me of Isis or Quan Yin but I don't think it was either of those, perhaps a saint. Then there was the one who always feels so open that it is super easy to flow with them: every time I give them the blessing I see a moonlit waterfall in a dense forest, and I feel that space giving to them (I think they worship a deity but it is always only nature I feel giving to them). Then I gave to LilyWolf and felt/saw a greenish face surrounded by leaves, felt a sense of Celtic isles, and heard the name Caerdwynn (later I looked this up and found Ceridwen). It was shorter than the ones I'm used to but it was every bit as powerful if not more so. I feel very inclined to go every week, and hope that I motivate to do so. It'll be difficult for the next few months because going out in the dark cold is so repulsive to me.

As we headed home we realized we were both very hungry and stopped at one of my favorite Mexican food places (the one with the best salsa) and I impulsively invited Topaz, forgetting how stressful last minute plans are for them. They'd already had a long and shitty day, and it was the last straw. I asked LilyWolf if they minded driving me to Topaz' to give them some delicious food, and they were happy to help, so we went and dropped that off. It helped Topaz feel better, thankfully.

When we got back to the house we had tea and coffee and I asked if they'd like to participate in a ritual for drawing connections in (both general and heart-kin) and they were quite enthused about the idea. So I let them copy my spells down, and gathered the necessary items.

I lit a yellow candle for joy, and then turned on some music so that we could raise energy through dance; that was really powerful. At first I was self-conscious but then I just poured myself into the music and gathered emotion from it. I haven't used dance in ritual deliberately before, but I realized that when I danced in church, it was like this. With singular focus, pulling up emotion deliberately, reaching to connect, to open myself for messages. (with this realization I am astounded at how terrible a structure the church service is, building energy that then doesn't get used at all because they go from that to a break where everyone just mills around! At the very least people should be encouraged to end with a prayer that focuses all that energy) As I danced, I felt it shift from just being my body interacting with the sound, to being my emotions interacting with the words, until it became movement that expressed the song as purely as if I was singing it straight out of the initial inspiration. Like a rebirth of the song, through motion.

Next I lit a rainbow candle and LilyWolf and I chanted my spell for drawing in positive connections, and then lit a green candle and together we chanted the spell for drawing heart connections, three times. At some point I lit vetivert incense, and after chanting the spells we just sat and silently meditated until the incense burned out, repeating the spells once more before the end. We took the candles upstairs and let them burn for a while longer until we went to bed. I re-lit them the next day and plan to light them whenever I am at home for a stretch of time. We infused them with the spell so that every flicker of those candles sends out the same intentions.

So far (within 48 hours), there have been five new sprouts of connection. I'm feeling very positive about the effectiveness of this!

Sunday I did a ritual for Nuit and Renenutet, the first real ritual I have done for a deity in many years. I lit candles and incense, then wrote prayers while topaz played guitar. While writing to Nuit I held lapis lazuli and held amethyst while writing to Renenutet. Nuit I already knew to be associated with lapis, but for Renenutet I pulled a stone from a bowl of stones I had gotten for solstice, and it happened to be amethyst. That makes a weird kind of sense to me, as I associate amethyst with naming somehow. After I wrote the prayers I read them out loud and then reflected on the intended recipient while holding their stone. I felt incredibly awkward reading out loud, and had a hard time focusing on the words, but I felt satisfied afterwards.

I didn't really put any stock in stones having metaphysical qualities until this past Solstice. My belief system is composed only of things that I have experienced, for the most part, and I'd never felt effects from a stone. But after I chose stones based on intuitional feeling and then people pulled the one's I thought were right for them, especially after I pulled snowflake obsidian and then realized that it was the only stone I had that was for stress, I began to feel meaning there. Then when I was visiting biofamily and I could FEEL a difference immediately when I wasn't holding the yellow obsidian, I was convinced. I'm a bit perplexed that I have never had such experiences before but I am glad to have had them now. Curious about how it might affect my future and my spirituality in general.

Yesterday I went on a walk in nature with P and we talked a lot about their relationship with M. As usual I was revolted by the presence of sexist norms and unethical treatment of each other, M taking advantage of P when they can and P doing it because M did it first. At least it's not as violent as it once was? But it's certainly not a positive relationship.

Anika picked me up from my biofamily's house in early evening. I really expected my biofamily to put up a fuss but there wasn't even a slight protest. Usually when I visit them, they are super greedy of my attention and do little else than spend time with me. This time, the first two nights after about 6-7 pm they all checked out, watching about 3 hours of the TV show they're currently on (without even trying to engage me) and then going to bed. It was really weird to me and I'm not sure how to take it. I like that they're being less controlling but it's like they're all addicted to escape. To be fair, M & P were sick and S did spend an evening talking with me very meaningfully. So maybe I just caught them at an off week. Anyway, I waited to tell them because I didn't want them to have much chance to manipulate me out of it (turns out it didn't matter).

So, I went with Anika and Suzu to their house and saw the dog again, met the rabbits, got sat on by the cats, watched the fish, and held the snake *grins* Menagerie is aptly named. Anika and I spent the evening talking, driniking, and eating ice cream. I got to see their altar and learn about the items that are a part of it.

They grimaced with pain at one point and I offered to rub their back, they accepted, and I did my best (probably not that great). I asked if I could energy them and they said yes, so I did some clearing out and then poured energy into their center, and tried to smooth/reconnect some shredded areas. Later I asked what they felt and they said they had been focusing all of their pain into one spot, which made me laugh because I have never had someone work to help while I was doing this, instead of just accepting. I think that was why it felt weird to me and I couldn't get much of a read on where the pain was (because they were moving it). I said that I want to try again sometime when Anika is not working simultaneously but is instead just receiving, and they said ruefully that they weren't very good at receiving but would give it a shot.

I felt really super happy to see Anika when they picked me up, happy in a glowy way. I'm sure some of it was the contrast between their lovely presence (and Suzu's) and my biofamily's sadness and exhausted hostility (between the parents), but I also think I felt more open and sensitive to their presence. I usually get discouraged when I can't easily (energetically) feel someone's affection for me, and get pulled out of the moment worrying that they don't really care or something, but that didn't happen this time. I didn't get distracted or fretful. Partly because they had just gone way out of their way for me and that makes me feel very loved and very sure of it. And partly, I think, because I felt a kind of subconscious understanding that only became conscious the next morning. As it did, I expressed that next time we have a few days together I would like to deliberately work on dropping the walls between us. I feel that there are some protections Anika has built after trauma that make it difficult for me to feel their spirit or connect fully. I sort of said these things while realizing them, speaking straight from intuition without editing. They said they feel that is true and they like the idea of trying that next time though it makes them nervous. I feel happy and relieved after sensing/realizing this because I had been perplexed that I couldn't feel what I felt years ago and worried that I had sensed wrong then or remembered wrong or that something had changed to make it impossible. Now I feel like I can be confident that it did and does exist and is reachable and I also feel like I have felt a piece of that again.

I also had a little talk with my parents about their habit of hostility and suggested that they try an experiment of not saying anything negative to or about each other for a week (and if they must express it for some reason, they have to write it not speak it). Including 'jokes' because M likes to say things to irritate P as entertainment for themselves. I suggested that if one of them slips up the other can kindly- not snarkily- say the code word "flower" to remind the other that they are trying to do this thing. They said they wanted to do it and were going to start right away. I'm taking that with a grain of salt, but if they really both earnestly try I think it would help so much (especially since they are going on a trip together tomorrow).

Also, I got them to finally hang artwork that they'd had sitting against the wall for probably at least a year, and after I asked if they had consecrated the house, P told me about the dog having seen spirits and a little later M decided to go ahead and do it. It wasn't the ritual I would have done by a long shot, but it seemed to be soothing for them and to help them to feel more settled and connected. It was immediately before I left so I didn't really have a chance to feel it out and see if I could feel a difference. I definitely felt the art made a difference (even though the quote one certainly wasn't what I would have chosen). I think P gets a lot of their sense of self-worth from their dedication to Christianity and that was how my parents connected initially so P takes M doing something Christian (like praying) as a sign of love or hope. Since they won't leave each other I hope they can manage to learn to be good to each other.

I want to create more spells but I've done all the ones I can think of for things I need. So can you help? What do you feel a need for in your life? What do you see people around you in need of? If I can create a spell for the thing that you suggest, I will share it with you.

So far having a houseguest (lilywolfsolomon) has been kinda nice- its a little hard to tell because the first week I was working on my last final and this week their mother is in town to visit them so they've been staying with them at their hotel.

I really love the idea of people being able to use my place as a retreat. I meant it when I said if you ever need a place to stay, you can come here. I can't meet any needs except space and internet, but those are easily sharable. I want to set things up better for guests though- after one mattress was sent to my lil sis and the other was thrown out, there isn't much bedding. Just one twin bed, the couch, and a short cushion (works for a kid or a fetal-position-sleeper). When I have some money I want to get an air mattress. Lily said they'd help me with some stuff around the house so I want to get that empty bedframe out of the guest room, get it tidied and pretty.

Aurilion just blocked me on facebook again, I'm guessing because of me giving Lily a place to stay. I am bemused. It's weird but good to have a chance to talk with someone who loves Aurilion perhaps even more than me, with such a similar experience. Makes me feel understood. And it's interesting. I had assumed this time Aurilion would be gone for years and perhaps forever, but something tells me that some big changes are coming their way. I have such empathy for Lily, the first time Aurilion cut contact with me it was fuckin awful and made me doubt my understanding of all things. Now it's just something I expect as an eventuality.

I had a weird experience the other day while out to dinner with Lily and their mom and their friend. I caught at least three people staring at me at different points. None of these stares were immediately after I did anything noticeable, I don't think (I may have laughed?). My first thought was about the spell I did recently to draw people to me, but none of the starers seemed like my kind of people. When I mentioned this to Topaz, I said "it may be just that I am suddenly noticing because meds allow me to take in more information" and Topaz was like, "yep." I said "whaddaya mean, 'yep'?" and they said that it is normal for people to stare at me. I find this really perplexing. It requires further testing for me to see if it's something good which I chose (the spell) or something irritating (normates treating me like a sideshow). I also had someone come up to me who was in a class with me years ago, who I was friends with on facebook for a while (I went through my emails to check) -- they expressed happiness to see me and said they liked what I said in the class. I felt soooo awkward not remembering them, and I wanted to give them my contact info but didn't -- until later, I got one of my cards out and called them over. I was quite proud of myself for overcoming the awkward to reach for connection, but now I feel super weird, because what if they blocked me on facebook or something? Oh well, I followed my intuition, yay me even if I was wrong. *cheers self* And Lily's friend, who I just met, also asked for my contact info, which I felt flattered by because 99% of the time I initiate connections.

Also, realized that a particular kind of social sets off my (now fairly rare) social anxiety. A group of fewer than 8, with more than one person whom I don't know well. It took a while to figure out because that situation almost always coincided with meeting a metamour or someone very important to someone I loved, and I thought "whoa, is this jealousy? why do I feel painfully overwhelmed?" Several times when I met Topaz' friends I got overwhelmed and had to go hide alone, because I was in a deep depression and just didn't have any energy to cope. Last weekend I was hanging out with Topaz and Adi and Jacob and Heather and Brian. Both Brian and Jacob I have only barely met a few times. I got really overwhelmed and disappeared into my phone a few times, but managed my anxiety well enough. Since I felt confident this wasn't jealousy, I finally realized what was causing this feeling. This situation makes me feel a pressure to perform, socially. If there is just one new person, then I can concentrate on them without worrying that others will feel slighted (because they know me), but if there is more than one, I feel completely all over the place because somehow I feel like I have to concentrate equally on everyone. I don't get it, but there it is. Ohhh, I just realized, it probably also has to do with leftover ex-partner stuff. In social situations I felt responsible for making sure they were comfortable, and now whenever anyone seems not-outgoing and maybe uncomfortable I feel impelled to try to put them at ease, and this is not possible with more than one person at a time. That's not all of it though because I also get overwhelmed by obviously-comfortable obviously-outgoing people if they are strangers in a small group with me. If there are going to be strangers, I like a group of three (including me) or 8+ where there is a majority of people I know. Weird, because the scary situation is often the case at my crafty parties, but I feel okay I think because I can throw myself into whatever I am creating and feel justified in not caretaking everyone because the point of the gathering is to create. I am glad I realized all this because now I won't feel guilty if such a situation is more than I can handle, and I will know what to watch out for and check myself to see if I have the energy reserves.

Also, I can tell that these meds are helping because when I forget them for a day everything falls to shit and I start forgetting the most obvious things. Today after forgetting my meds all day, I brought milk home and forgot to put it away for two hours. Luckily it was in a cooler with ice! *shakes head*

I was intrigued by the fact that when I asked y'all about winter holidays, you mentioned thanksgiving. (many thanks for the answers, btw!) I hadn't thought of it as a winter holiday, but I suppose it is. I loathe thanksgiving; I didn't like it as a child because it meant eating food I didn't really like (the only thing I ever liked was the mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie) and doing a shitton of dishes, all for no particular reason, followed by people doing frenzied shopping. I didn't know then that it was based on a whitewashing racist lie, and when I found out the extent to which it was a lie I hated it more. It's fucking awful and shouldn't exist. But I go to Topaz's family gather because I want to show the family that I care about them and my presence at this food sharing day is a way that they can understand that.

I used to love christmas, but even though I was very christian as a child, I didn't associate it with Jesus (and I never believed in Santa as my parents didn't want to teach me a lie, and I never approved of any white american childhood myths except the tooth fairy). What I love is the fairy lights and giving spirit -- it is a capitalist holiday to be sure, but it is also a time when people do try harder than other times to be kind to each other, if they are given to kindness to begin with. I find light and color to be magical and seeing many people participate in sharing colorful light with each other is enchanting to me. I am glad that christmas exists because of this.

Christmas was important to me until I realized what Solstice was, and then all of my feeling for christmas transferred over to Solstice. The day the light begins to return -- there is really nothing more magical to me. Not only do I have SAD which is set off by dark days and cold, but I also worship light as the most tangible form of magic. I celebrate with lights, a decorated tree (living in a pot), presents, and connection with people I love. I love love love that so many of my favorite people have spent the past few solstices with me. I like that there is a nearby holiday that is NOT on my holiday because that means I don't have to work around people's familial obligations, but I still get to revel in all the reflected excitement from others at the same time.

In 2011 Kylei and I hosted Solstice, and it was amazing and cozy and magical and Adi made eggnog and there was a giant cuddle puddle. In 2012 Kylei and I hosted again and it was wonderful and there were fairy lights EVERYWHERE. Last year was my favorite so far -- I hosted and made a gigantic pot of spaghetti sauce (one of my 3 dishes that I am super good at making) and fed EVERYONE and people spent the night and had breakfast in the morning and it had the biggest cuddle puddle ever and a long game of truth-or-truth and I had such excellent presents for people. This year I think it will be even better, because I am closer to many of the people who are coming and they are closer to each other. Also, I won't have any newbies to babysit -- I liked that Aurilion came last year but it split my focus because I was so worried about them having no one but me that they knew, and also worried because they were not someone I could trust to know to ask people before touching, or value a different opinion as equal to their own. I didn't even realize this was a thing until the celebration had begun, which makes me realize how fucking lucky I am in my friendships: that's something I usually don't have to worry about. My house agreements are something I usually share with everyone before they come over but it just didn't occur to me that I might need to go over them with someone I already felt close to. Also I feel happy that Topaz will be able to more fully participate since it's at their house and they won't have to deal with terrible allergies or be sober due to a future drive.

Giving gifts is very important to me. I want to get people things that will have personal meaning to them, that will show them I know them and value who they are. My ideal gift for someone is something that is meaningful to them AND me, that is tailored to them yet something I would also enjoy owning (this is hard to find!). There is a little bit of sacrifice in my best gifts. I like receiving gifts but I like giving them more. If I could give each person something that would make them feel known and loved, I would be happy getting no gifts (as long as people assured me that it wasn't because they didn't care, because being left out stinks). It used to be that if I couldn't find you the perfect gift, you got nothing -- now I tend to try to find some consumable that the person will like, because I like that better.

I don't care much about New Years for myself, but it is very important to Kylei and Abby and thus has significance by proxy -- I like to celebrate with Kylei and Abby in whatever way feels best for them.

I had an intense two weeks, with trying to get meds (which I finally got this past Wednesday!) and doing two huge projects for school. The second one I was supposed to have to the school's print shop by the Friday before last but I just didn't have the time or brainpower to the the project finished until almost a week later. So I was prepared to have to have a ugly one (since black and white is $10 to print and color is $70+) but once I finished I thought it couldn't hurt to ask and I emailed them and asked if I could still have mine printed. This was about 7am, so I set an alarm for noon and went to sleep. At 10:50 I woke up on my own and felt the urge to check my email. While I was looking at one, a response came in from the print shop - yes, I could have it printed, but I had to have it in within the hour (as in, before noon). So I got up and sent it in. I feel super encouraged and happy about the fact that my intuition is so on-point right now that I woke up and checked my email AS THE PERSON WAS WRITING to me, and I was successful whereas my planned time would have been too late.

Which brings me to a new project I have started - an intuition log. I have a little notebook I keep with me and when I sense something I write it in there and leave a space. If I can't find out whether it was meaningful or not, I mark it as "neutral" and if I can, I mark it as "confirmed" or "mistaken." My hope is that this will help me to get a better sense of an accurate feeling versus a mistaken one, and help me to be more aware in a day-to-day way of the way my intuition functions in my life, and help me to notice more.

My spiritual birthday just passed - November 13th. This marks the 16th year since I decided to actively pursue spiritual growth. On my spiritual birthday I like to do something that resonates spiritually for me, but I didn't get to do that this year. I probably could have arranged something after my plans with Kylei fell through, but I was deeply nervous about Friday (when I had to wear a normal person costume and present my work to a bunch of people) so I just finished up things for the presentation and got myself a spiritual birthday present - metallic gellyroll pens plus two more pens, which ended up costing me $13. I'm going to use them in my book of magic. I would have preferred the stardust gellyroll pens but they didn't even carry them, so I couldn't use my 40% off coupon.

I'm so intensely relieved that these past two weeks are over. I haven't quite shaken off the stress yet but it's starting to lift. I still can't believe I have meds now. I feel like I have a chance to be successful when I had kinda resigned myself to utter failure forever. I didn't even realize that was the case until it wasn't anymore.

Topaz has been rearranging and reorganizing everything in zir house and I've been helping some, and it feels so so so good in the rooms that have gotten the most attention. They were both rooms where the ex-roommate had stayed, and the energy was really stale and bitter because of the way the ex-roommate had acted in the last two months they were here. I really didn't like going into either of them because of how bad they felt to me but I didn't realize why until everything started changing. The living room has just been finished and it feels SO GOOD in there now. This has also made me realize that the energy in my living room got clogged with all the things that are in there but rarely or never used, so I plan to move the less-used crafting things and half-finished crafts to the basement room and move the piano into the bedroom downstairs. It only gets used for about 15 minutes every two months (by Kylei) and it takes up a lot of space, so it's better to not have it be in the heart of the house. I'm feeling excited about this and can't wait to have the next crafty party in a better space.

In other news, I want to send some cards, so if you're comfortable sharing, please give me your contact info -- you can skip any that you'd rather not answer! if you're not on my flist you can't fill it out there but you can email me or message me through LJ.

I've been swamped with ADD & school & car & money stress for the past few weeks, thus my lack of real posts. Despite being pulled in a billion directions and being totally overwhelmed, parts of my life have been profusely flourishing.

With regards to Aurilion, we exchanged letters (which I shared friends-locked because I'm not sure if they'd be okay with me making them public) after that unsent letter I posted. They were long and intense and through them I realized a lot of patterns I hadn't noticed before, some of them Aurilion's but the more important ones were mine. I realized that when we were together, I never called Aurilion on anything. The first time, that was because I wasn't good at understanding my own needs and boundaries, and I didn't trust Aurilion to know theirs either; after that, it was because I was always afraid that Aurilion was going to drop me as soon as I mentioned something that made them uncomfortable. When we broke up the first time, that was our FIRST real disagreement. After that I just kept it to myself when I didn't like something. I didn't even realize this was happening! It was an old pattern that held over, I don't do that shit with my friends now. In this exchange of letters, I laid out bluntly but not unkindly what issues I had with Aurilion's behavior, and in so doing I realized the depth of some of my own values. Perhaps the most important one is respecting others' self-determination; I plan to make a whole post about that. I also realized that when I didn't trust Aurilion to know and express their needs, that was valid, because they expressed that me simply stating what I want made them feel they had no choice but to do it.

Ultimately, when I realized that there were ways in which I had grown without anyone's guidance, and that Aurilion had not changed in these ways, that broke down that last bit of wish I had had for Aurilion to be a guide for me. I realized a year and a half ago that neither Aurilion or anyone else I knew could be a mentor for me spiritually, and this past summer when I attended energy work classes I realized that practice was a greater teacher than anything else and all others can offer is as a catalyst. But somehow it didn't really 'click' until I realized I no longer consider Aurilion more advanced than I am. I used to feel that Aurilion was more in-tune, more intuitive than me. That was perhaps true at first because I hadn't had practice, but now I have. And a vital part of that is that I check, I don't ever assume I am correct.

I used to be so scared of losing Aurilion. They left me over and over, coming back with promises that this time would be different. I feared losing them because I thought of them as the only way for me to feel a pure heart-connection. That's fuckin ridic! There are so many people in this world. I can call green hearts to me. I can feel the soil in my roots and the wind in my branches, I can rustle my leaves and breathe deeply. I know I will find more people with whom I can feel the spirits of trees every bit as strongly.

I called Viv and Kylei and Arizona and Abby and Topaz, every single one of them is connected to me through my intuition. Viv I randomly invited along to my first cuddle party, we were total strangers and I had literally never met anyone from OKC before. Kylei asked me for a conversation and I chose to follow up because I felt a tug (it would never have happened if I had been passive, which I definitely tended toward at the time). Arizona I had a dream about and listened to it and shared it with them, nothing would ever have happened had I not followed through on that dream. Abby I invited to a crafty party and at our first meeting made plans to go to our first burn together (had we not gone to that burn together we'd never have become close because we were both too passive in initiating at the time). That was an act of intuition because usually I'd have hated the idea of a stranger ruining the intimacy of a road trip, but I felt sure that Abby would not do that. Topaz I met because I invited myself along on a group event (which I nearly NEVER do) and then added this perfect stranger on FB and then shared a deeply personal post to facebook and they responded with openness (so many places along the way there where it could have fallen apart). I have found people with livejournal over and over. The world is full of connections and the only reason I don't have more heart connections is that I haven't yet asked for them! I have only called for spirit connections so far but I just wrote a spell for calling heart connections to me so I hope to do that soon and welcome new presences in my life.

In case it wasn't already obvious, our letters ended with Aurilion saying that they were done. At least it was a kinder goodbye than before. I'm not going to close that door, but I'm not going to let Aurilion skip the efforts I require from everyone else, either; honesty and working through shit is necessary. This interaction has been incredibly empowering for me. I am grateful and pleased with this turning point.

Taking time out of sleep for this, because it is important.

Lately I've been meditating weekly with some combination of Abby, Kei-Won-Tia, and Anika, and it's been surprisingly (to me) nourishing. I started doing it because I wanted more time with Abby and wanted to help motivate Abby to meditate since ze says it's really helpful to zir, but I've never really gotten much from meditation and I didn't expect it to build on itself. I think we've been doing it for about 6 weeks now and I do it a little differently each time. Sometimes I hold an object from my altar, sometimes I visualize, sometimes I look through an oracle deck and pull things that seem to have a message for me that day, sometimes I chant, sometimes I just reflect on my life. But every time, I set my blue pillow in front of my light box and absorb the light while I do this.

Today, I was reading through the Chapters of Coming-forth by Day, stopping when I got to spells that felt good and chanting them out loud. When I got to a spell about my heart and started reading it out loud, I almost cried, I don't know why, it just felt so strong, and Kanika, who was laying across the room, jumped up and RAN over and climbed in my lap and purred and purred. I put aside the book after a second chant of that verse and put both hands around zir and ze was content and happy about it! (ze usually does not like to be held in any surrounding way) Kanika is very energetically sensitive - I have seen zir interact with spirits (I checked carefully to be sure there were no tiny bugs for zir to be staring at), and when I do magic things ze likes to be in it, but I have never seen zir react so suddenly and strongly.

After that experience (my second time reading out loud from this) I realized I wanted to make a book of magic. I had wanted to for a while but didn't feel like I had enough to put in it. I want to put in the spells from the Chapters of Coming-forth by Day that resonate with me, and the bits of the Bible that resonate enough for recitation, and bits from my favorite other books that I could read out loud and feel nourished by, as well as any spells I make, any rituals I create, any affirmations I write. I started menstruating today, and I am going to use some of my blood as watercolor paint to bind the book to me. Allison made me a book years and years ago, for my 22nd birthday (auspicious number!) and I was always afraid of using it because it's so fucking beautiful, but this is perfect.

Kylei came over tonight and we talked about magic some, and ze participated in a cleansing ritual I did for the 70s suitcase I got to house either my journals or letters, not sure which yet. Ze also wrote some in a book ze has been using for sacred writing for many years, and shared this with me. I just barely began my work on my magic book, but it was enough, I have begun.

on shielding:
I don't really shield much because I like to feel intensely. Instead if I am feeling bad I check to see if there is a cause in my life, and if there isn't, I assume I picked up someone else's feelings. I'll clear them out by taking deep breaths and envisioning breathing out the negative feeling and bringing in positive, or by burning incense, or by shaking bells. Sometimes I envision sending down roots to the center of the earth, burying them in plasma, and having bolts of bright energy come up the roots and burn out anything that isn't good for me.

When I know I am going to be in a place where I will need to shield, I tell myself affirmations. I repeat several times "I am calm and nothing can harm me" or "I am safe and whole" or something similar while envisioning a protective bubble forming around me and then thickening to only let good in.

When I am in the moment and feel waves of someone else's feelings coming at me, I envision myself pushing it away, and will often do a small gesture to make this more real to myself (like, just holding my palm vertical to the floor and flicking my fingers from touching my palm to straight up). Then I do the bubble thing, with eyes closed, just visualizing it.

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( on processing being interrupted by support )

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( on finding people who will click with you in a meaningful way )

I want to start doing a weekly summary on Mondays (if I can remember). I keep wanting to share things and then forgetting. If you are curious and I miss a Monday, please poke me about it.

Last week I did a shitton of art, editing photos and working with fractals. Last Monday's energy work class was great because we got to practice sensing energies with each other. I have learned some new techniques but so far the thing that has benefited me the most is the shared practice. It's hard to learn by yourself because you don't have anyone to tell you when you're off-base and you can't get a sense for what 'true' feels like as opposed to 'likely'. We practiced looking at energy during an impromptu healing that the instructor gave to someone who came in upset. We also practiced using our hands to sense the edge of people's energetic field.

Arizona was in town this week and I spent Sunday with zir, talking and cuddling and then having dinner with Arizona, Deb, and Jerry. Deb and Jerry are people I feel very very fond of but quite awkward about building a relationship now that I'm not so closely connected to their kids. They feel like family to me which also sets off my "not successful enough, not contributing enough" anxieties. I shared this with Arizona and ze invited me to dinner. The four of us had pretty great conversation and they invited me to visit - I want to get over my anxieties and actually do that. Next meteor shower I'm gonna ask to visit, at least.

Wednesday Arizona and zir partner Sulley came over to hang out with me for a while. It was kinda bittersweet because I miss them and now they live out of state, but it was good to catch up and great to see Sulley so happy: ze's at zir dream job and the contentment just radiates.

Thursday Kei-won-tia came over and we talked for a little while before I mentioned wanting to watch Adventure Time with zir and Kyle. Ze said we could do it now, and I decided to skip oneness blessing and we went to zir place. We had a great time and I felt so cozy there.

Friday the internet went out and I frustratedly tried everything but the modem had crapped out so nothing worked. The only productive thing I did that day was clean out my bettas' (3 gallon) vase.

Saturday I went to Hannahcohn's cat's funeral, which was sad but really perfect, as far as that kind of goodbye goes. There was a lot of love. I felt that my presence was comforting to Hannah, which was why I wanted to go. Hannah loves that cat more than many people love their children and the loss must be so immense. Afterward I realized I was only 15 minutes from Sanctuary (Kei-Won-Tia's house) so I went over and we watched Adventure Time interspersed with very meaningful conversation between me, Kei-Won-Tia, and Kyle. I drank a bit and was leaning towards staying the night, but then I sobered up and realized I didn't have a change of clothes and would wake up feeling super gross, so I went to Topaz's where I went to bed but couldn't sleep for ages (I think I lay in bed for 6 hours before sleep) and eventually got just 4 hours or so.

Sunday I woke up and scurried home, whirlwind cleaned my house for a bit, and then people started arriving for the crafty party. Ashe came over, which was interesting because it is the first time ze's been to my house for years. Ze played piano which I unexpectedly enjoyed (I usually find piano music bothersome because my parents made me play for 4 years). Ze also brought a new friend, Rayne, who is pagan and seems awesome. I felt so awkward but really happy, and I enjoyed both of their company. Then Heather and Heatherby and Taz and Olly showed up, and were surprised by the mellow feel. Kylei and Allison are my bouncy boisterous friends (I'm only like that if I'm drunk or extremely happy) so without them everything's pretty chill. I like for things to be bouncy but I am not invested enough to make it so myself. Bouncy is not a creative energy for me -- when I am creating I get very quiet and focused. Anyway it was a very successful crafty party! I really liked the things people made and I loved my craft. I made magic talismans for the people in my energy work class: I wrote blessings for them (intuiting what I felt to be their need) on tiny slips of paper which I rolled into spirals and placed in a painted plastic bottle cap along with scraps from calendars, glitter, glass, and resin. They turned out amazing and I cannot wait to do more.

Monday I had to be up early for the internet to get fixed but I couldn't sleep until late, so I got another short and interrupted sleep. I went to the last energy work class, which was intense -- we learned a technique that I feel is very good for removing doubt*. At one point we did an exercise where we thought of something unlikely (buying a dinner for two at $200 a plate) and removed doubt until we could see it as possible. When I got to the point where it felt possible, I started crying, not just tearing up but unable-to-speak-and-occasionally-sobbing. I hadn't realized it because it was so beyond my life experience, but being able to give others experiences that they would treasure is very, very important to me. I thought of this experimental restaurant that Topaz loves and how I would love to take zir there and it just hit me hard.

At the end of the class I gave out my talismans along with the blessings written out on post-its so they could have them, and they were welcomed so happily. Five of the people said that they were spot-on (the other did not comment), one person cried, one person thanked me profusedly. Also, as I was leaving one of the students told me that ze had practiced an energy work thing I had suggested and it had helped, which made me feel so happy. The thing I got out of this class more than anything else was coming to trust in my intuition, and to believe that the things that I feel as right often are. The doubt-removing exercise was also very useful and I will definitely be using that.

As I left, this headache that I'd been pushing away for 2 hours finally just crashed in -- it was awful, crushing pain. I started to drive home but the lights from other cars were stabbing me and I didn't feel fully there and I kept feeling like I was going to puke, so I called Topaz and asked if I could come there. Ze said yes and so I did, and by the time I got there all I could do was lay on the floor and whimper. I didn't know if it was lack of sleep or lack of food or dehydration or some terrible combination, but it hurt so much. Topaz pet me and gave me cold compresses and brought me water and saltines and made me soup. Once the nausea faded enough that I could eat, I ate and took ibuprofen and the headache went away over the next hour. We went to sleep early and I slept deeply, finally, though I had strange dreams about the trailer I lived in from ages 2-8.

*You think of a situation and rate its possibility for you on a scale from 1-100, using intuition for the rating and imagination to picture a sliding scale. Then you think of the things that make it not possible, and let them go -- all judgements and etc. Keep checking on the scale and don't stop until you get to a point of 90-95% possibility, when you can just push the slider up with your mind. Then you take a mental picture of the situation and send it outward from you in a ripple. It doesn't sound like much but when you do it, you realize a lot of subconscious things that you believe, that you might be better off if you didn't believe (like "everyone will dislike me if I...").

We had two intimacy practices this week. Tuesday, Heather and Ariana and Anika and I had a small one (Topaz was there at the start but was feeling migrainey so had to go home). It was Ariana's first and Anika's 3rd, I think? Anyway the four of us talked about lots of things as per usual but the part that stuck out the most to me was the common thread of spirituality; during truth-or-truth I asked Heather and Ariana some questions and someone else asked Anika a question that also led to discussion of spirituality. I felt very resonant with Ariana when we talked about plants and the energy of the four of us was very... soft and mighty, like moss on a giant tree. I felt really connected to everyone and like I learned a lot about Ariana in a short time.

Then tonight we had another, with me and Abby, Anika, Kylei, Topaz, Camellia, Kei-Won-Tia, Roger, and of course me. This one felt so magical, partly because I got to cuddle with Topaz and Kei-Won-Tia and Camellia (really close cuddles that felt very open, which was new between me and Kei-Won-Tia and Camellia), and partly because I felt really in sync with Topaz and Kei-Won-Tia and Anika. The truth or truth was the best it has ever been, I think, with each question opening up the questionee and a really good balance of timing. At one point I was asked to reflect out loud on the new people in my life and I did, and then felt a burst of intensified connection, and at another point there was a resonance between Kei-Won-Tia and Topaz that I also felt (to a lesser extent) which made me feel so close, and loving, and appreciative of the sharing that allowed it. Sadly Kylei started feeling ill and had to go, which meant Roger did too as they were Kylei's ride, and Anika had to go to take care of the baby, and Topaz had to leave for Cosmos. That was sad to miss, but the second half was still great and people asked me questions that made me consider things I hadn't before, which is something I treasure.

Also, Kei-Won-Tia got confused about the date for another event and so showed up early, then kept me company as I cleaned lots. Since cleaning alone is hard for me this was a wondrous (if accidental) gift <3

Now that I am fat (by most assessments) I feel that people don't see my glamour, my unearthly ethereal magic, anymore. I realized this when watching The L Word again and seeing so many of my movements in Jenny -- the way ze puts hands on hips, or gestures, or tilts zir head, or moves zir eyes, or touches others, or responds to touch. I feel a strong resonance with that character for a lot of reasons, but I hadn't thought about the fact that a big part of that feeling is in the glamour that Jenny carries (at least in the second season). And I realized that most people see fat as the opposite of magic, and in the same way that some of my relatives can't see my grandmother's features reproduced SO CLEARLY in my cousin's face because of a different eye shape and skin color, fat is just such a dominating feature to the average person that they couldn't see similarities between me and Jenny even if we were exactly alike except for fat and hairstyle.

This hurts because my glamour (and I'm using this word in the fae sense not the fashion sense) is a vital part of me. I know that it has not decreased; if anything it is more than it used to be, yet people don't react to it. I used to feel people notice it, interact with me as though I wore it like a cloak. I could sense them enjoying it, or being mystified by it, or feeling drawn to it, or being scared of it. But then again, these were always fleeting feelings. Most of the time I did not feel that people sensed it at all. I think there was really just one short bit of time where I felt my magic was treated as a vital and omnipresent part of me on a regular basis, and that was the summer and early fall when I lived at Serendipity. I think it was because deliberately interacting with magic was important to everyone who was close to me at that time.

I don't really know. Even when I dress to my fullest self, in a way that I feel makes my magic very obvious, people notice my fat first and feel embarrassed for me, like I "don't know better" than to wear things that neither smush nor hide me. If I wore the same style of things as a thin person, people would understand that my choices are deliberate and they might think I am very weird but they wouldn't see me as clownish or failing to be something else. People see my body and either make me invisible or project their shame onto me.

Obviously all of this could be entirely wrong, as it is my perception of other people's perception of me. But the point is that I feel that my fat obscures my magic and grace for many people, and that makes it hard for me to connect with it.

Yesterday's readings for Anika, kiwi, anrui_ichido, kmiotutsie, and phoenixdreaming, with photos... ( please forgive the quality: I took them on my cell )

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I included the photos so that if my interpretation doesn't ring true, you can look at them and see if you find something that resonates more. Please let me know if anything resonates or falls flat.

If you comment in the next 2 hours and 22 minutes (before 4:50pm EST), I'll do a reading for you using Color Voices, my favorite deck. I will post it publicly, like this.

About six weeks ago I went to my first oneness blessing circle and learned that they were offering a training. I couldn't afford to pay, so I messaged the facilitator and offered to make something, a piece of jewelry or painting, and ze said that the one piece of sacred jewelry that ze wears daily had just broken (literally the day that I messaged asking about this). So I made this necklace to house zir sacred pendant; I felt really honored to do it and likely would have done it for free just because I feel like making daily jewelry is such an honor. But it was just perfect that the universe had lined it up so that I could give zir what ze needed and ze gave me the oneness blessing giver training in return. It was two days of really intense reflection, meditation, dancing, breathing and chanting, and lots of oneness blessings, culminating in giving the oneness blessing for the first time (I've now given it on three occasions).

The training was really interesting because it made me realize a lot of new things about myself, and I deeply resonated with a lot of it. However it's also very single-divine focused, which makes me feel a little weird because I certainly could not have just one deity. At first I was trying to pick one to do the giving with, and that was just making me feel awkward and stilted. Finally I just decided to ask "who wants to bless this person?" and then let whatever deity pour positive energy through me into that person. It's been really interesting because it's mostly deities I care about, but not the ones I think of as 'mine.' So far it's been Thoth, Set (that was a surprise!), Pan, Athena, Aphrodite, Geb, Nuit, Hapi, Ra, Isis/Mary (sharing), Jesus, Jehovah, Bastet, Sekhmet, and at least one or two that I felt the energy of but have no idea who they are. Only five of those have I worshiped, ever. When I ask this question, I put my hands out as if to catch water, and when I feel that my hands are full, I tip them over onto the person and place them lightly on the top of their head. I then let energy flow through, which feels simultaneously like it's coming in through my head and out through my hands, and also like it's strengthening/widening a beam of light that goes through the person's body from head to feet and straight up from their head, like a searchlight.

I feel like I am getting to know these deities through being a conduit, and the best part of that so far is feeling connected with Jesus again. I hadn't felt close to zir in a long time because I felt like I didn't know zir anymore, like we drifted. When I was giving oneness to someone I suddenly had the realization that Jesus was a submissive masochist and I felt like I realized all of these new layers to zir. I am sure loads of people would be scandalized at the idea, but it made me feel like best friends again.

I've also had a deep realization about the nature of divinity but that is a whole post to itself.

So the last two weeks or so I've been feeling an increasing urge to learn and practice energy work, starting with a small urge for a week that expanded into a determination at intimacy practice on Monday when I realized that I had been waiting on people from my past to come spark me up and I needed to let that go and move forward. Then Tuesday I looked up nearby energy work resources and planned to go to some, and Wednesday night Aurilion had a dream where ze saw me wanting to do something but not going for it, and ze emailed me (which was a great confirmation). So Thursday night I went to a Oneness Blessing circle, not expecting anything in particular, and felt a great burst of clarity about my selfhood (dunno exactly how to explain that). I'd only been to one Oneness Blessing before and at the previous one, it was much more sensation and interaction, whereas this one was like I was receiving messages from a wiser version of me, just intuitionally. I think that's partly because the concept of deity has become less important to me over the last two years, and partly because I'm on citalopram (which seems to make experiencing the surreal more difficult). Everyone there seemed very genuine. The experience felt like they were energetically holding on to me and then reaching out for universal energy, to help get me started, and then letting me take it and use it. What they physically did was walk around, placing their hands above or on my head for about three minutes, then letting me be for 10-15 minutes. The givers also took turns sitting and receiving. Afterward they said that there is a training happening in about a month, and while it is expensive apparently they offer help to people who are too poor to pay for it (me). I'm definitely looking in to that.

Then today I went to the energy healing circle at Unity and had a profound experience. The first person who gave energy to me first hovered zir hands over me, then placed hands on my joints two at a time, making a kind of circle around my body, then massaged my shoulders (asking at the very beginning if all of that was okay). I was surprised about the idea of including massage, and feeling skeptical that it would be useful energetically, but it was the massage that sort of brought the rest together, and I felt really strong emotion while ze was rubbing my shoulders and neck. After that I felt an awareness of a energetic 'worm' in my left shoulder (which I removed later) and otherwise felt pretty glowy and relaxed. Then the second person cleansed my energy, which felt good, and through these two things I was thinking about what I needed, and how I needed to find people I connected with on a heart level, and remembering the dreams I'd been having about being rejected and disliked by everyone I cared about. When that person finished they asked to find out if I wanted anything else and I said no, because though I felt helped by this person I also felt as though they had a bit of a savior complex and I didn't want any further interaction. The last person came and sat in front of me and asked what I wanted. I mentioned the dreams and how I didn't understand them because I don't feel rejected/disliked by people in my waking life. Ze asked if I had asked myself what they meant, and I said sort of, mentally yes but energetically no, that I wasn't sure how to go about it. So ze sort of led me in a guided meditation where I brought the thought into a safe space and then asked myself what it was. I then remembered the end of the most recent rejection dream, where I was rejected by everyone and shrugged it off, went off by myself to dance naked alone, on wet grass under a night sky with a dark moon. I felt complete and happy. Then I realized sort of all at once that I was dreaming these things because I needed to feel comfortable with the possibility that people might dislike and/or reject me, and that I was realizing this because for the first time in many years that was a possibility with people whom I had to associate with (co-workers). I shared these things with this person, and then ze did energy work on me, mostly on my heart chakra, which was interesting to me because it is where I have been feeling need but I didn't tell zir that. After, I thanked zir, and then sat alone for a little bit.

Then I realized that all of the things that I'd been reflecting on had to do with fear, and that I did not want to let fear be a motivator in my life. Fear has been clouding up my motives and desires and preventing me from being fully myself. I thought of a good way for me to prevent that (at last). When faced with fear, I will ask myself what I would do if I had no fear. Then (as long as it doesn't put me in physical danger) I will do what I would do if I had no fear. I then acted on this immediately by giving my contact info to the third person, because I felt a connection with them and wanted to be friends.

Oh this is a good feeling. Reconnecting with myself, falling in love with myself again. I'm crying with joy right now, a sense of reunion, of finally breaking through. I lost myself somewhere in the loss of Carol (the death of someone I loved, the first time I had experienced that) and the loss of the first place that I felt was truly MINE (a place I had built my tribe in) and the loss of my car Sylvia (who was truly home to me -- so many memories in that car! so many people and places, so many tears and kisses) and I think also to some extent in the people I was/am loving. Expectations and fears wrapped me in a horrid little cocoon of stasis. I had forgotten my relationship with myself, had sacrificed my own values for the care of others, and had hemmed in my own behavior for fear of loss. It's so easy for me to do that, and I wish it wasn't. I need to remind myself to adventure on my own, to invest in myself, to do things alone. I need to remember that magic can exist between me and the broader universe, and not just in the affirmative connections with other humans. I am the creator of me. I can be that self again, I can walk on a carpet of my own curling, growing life. I can -- and must -- find unfiltered nourishment, straight from source.

I got caught up in the magic of community and forgot the magic of solitude. A single evening reading feminist writings and listening to music in the newly created self-extension of my room (which isn't even complete yet!) has brought it back for me. Community was a new magic, a potent one, and I filled my life with it until there was nothing else. Then situations made it difficult to get community and I had forgotten any other way, so I got hungrier and weaker until I accidentally created solo magic again and oh, relief.

spirit: the part of things which is the ethereal blueprint for them, the perfect core. I believe plants, minerals, animals, humans, stars, places, bodies of water, and everything else each has a spirit. I believe that all beings can commune with other beings through this core-self. I believe all beings are part of a whole self -- we are just the limbs of a much larger creature. I see humans as also having soul and heart, and of course mind and body. I feel that some non-human beings also have souls, but I'm not sure what the pattern is there.

magic: the ability of individual consciousness to affect the pattern of the universe. I believe that thoughts and emotions are magical; words are the manifestation of these things and as such can draw even stronger patterns -- especially in Naming. I believe in the use of symbols in ritual; physical representations of thoughts and emotions provide a focus that strengthens the magic. I have used my thoughts, emotions, words, and ritual to affect the pattern of my life and seen amazing clusters of "coincidences" as a result.

critical analysis: accepting and/or dismissing nothing without careful examination for the assumed meaning and possible purpose. I believe every piece of knowledge must be reshaped in order to make it part of oneself; without this, one's mind is just a collection of other people's thoughts (it's the difference between building a structure from gifted materials, and just leaving the materials in a haphazard pile. The second is not very useful). I believe every person has something I can learn from them, and I believe in taking every opportunity to find those things.

mindful touch: touch that is full of awareness. I believe touch is sacred and find thoughtless touch to be upsetting most of the time; it feels like a desecration. I believe touch requires consent, always. I want to be touched by people who are aware of my desires, my reactions, my body, my boundaries. I do my best to touch people only in ways that please them (not just in ways that don't bother them); if in doubt, I will not touch.

asking: questioning instead of assuming or accepting or wondering. Asking for what I want; asking if I have interpreted correctly; asking why a pattern exists; asking myself how I can change a harmful pattern; asking to help others learn about themselves; increasing openness through invitations to share.

( bold emotion, creating/living art, colors, nudity, giving, self-love, coffee, & Georgia. )

I'm remembering last summer, near the end, where I felt like I'd hit an endless plateau and had no way to grow further, and it's making me laugh. I knew then that it was an untrue feeling but I also couldn't see far enough ahead to the next steep climb. Now I'm in the middle of it. Everything is scary, everything is new, everything is so uncertain. Yet I feel no desire to solidify things, strangely -- I think part of me enjoys being awash in possibility. And so far my reaching here and there has resulted in so much MORE than I could have even imagined to ask for. And if something doesn't work out the way I wanted, it's because it had to end to make room for something even more suited to me and now.

( attempting to string emotions and sensations into word patterns -- what it's like to connect with Anita )

Two years ago, when I went to visit Hannah and Nick, I experienced more joy and more pain than I'd ever even imagined before. When our so-brief triad ended I felt so much despair because it was such a rare thing and I couldn't imagine finding anything even similar again. but NOW ( I can imagine it )

...and I have so much more to say but no more time to write.

I'm remembering last summer, near the end, where I felt like I'd hit an endless plateau and had no way to grow further, and it's making me laugh. I knew then that it was an untrue feeling but I also couldn't see far enough ahead to the next steep climb. Now I'm in the middle of it. Everything is scary, everything is new, everything is so uncertain. Yet I feel no desire to solidify things, strangely -- I think part of me enjoys being awash in possibility. And so far my reaching here and there has resulted in so much MORE than I could have even imagined to ask for. And if something doesn't work out the way I wanted, it's because it had to end to make room for something even more suited to me and now.

( attempting to string emotions and sensations into word patterns -- what it's like to connect with Anita )

Two years ago, when I went to visit Hannah and Nick, I experienced more joy and more pain than I'd ever even imagined before. When our so-brief triad ended I felt so much despair because it was such a rare thing and I couldn't imagine finding anything even similar again. but NOW ( I can imagine it )

...and I have so much more to say but no more time to write.

I've been listening to Electric Feel pretty much constantly for the past two days, and dancing EVERY TIME I HEAR IT. If this song were a person I'd call in sick (which I've never done when I'm not actually sick) and stay home all day fucking and kissing and drawing patterns on zir skin and forgetting to eat and sleeping so close I could hardly breathe. *giggles* I'm seriously so mad for this song and I have no idea why! Usually I only fall for songs like this when the lyrics speak me better than I can.

( lyricsssss )

It's like it's stripping me of all the random costume bits I've accumulated, helping me find my core again. GOD I LOVE THIS SONG. Seriously, if it were a person I'd be as in love as I've ever been with anyone. Shock me clean, mmm yes.

I've been listening to Electric Feel pretty much constantly for the past two days, and dancing EVERY TIME I HEAR IT. If this song were a person I'd call in sick (which I've never done when I'm not actually sick) and stay home all day fucking and kissing and drawing patterns on zir skin and forgetting to eat and sleeping so close I could hardly breathe. *giggles* I'm seriously so mad for this song and I have no idea why! Usually I only fall for songs like this when the lyrics speak me better than I can.

( lyricsssss )

It's like it's stripping me of all the random costume bits I've accumulated, helping me find my core again. GOD I LOVE THIS SONG. Seriously, if it were a person I'd be as in love as I've ever been with anyone. Shock me clean, mmm yes.

For a while, whenever Sylvia (my car) needed oil or something was wrong, ze would put on the emergency brake light (and it would go off when I fixed whatever the issue was), and then a few months ago the emergency brake stuck always on. I figured it was just broken -- but I got my car back from the shop today and the light was off, and as I drove home I realized that ze had been riding rough for about as long as the light had been stuck on. I'm sure there is a 'rational explanation' but fuck that shit, my car is awesome and talks to me. And is now happy and healthy with a new distributor and oh-so-pretty new spark plug wires :D ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDD I HAVE A HANDLE ON THE DRIVER'S DOOR for the first time in I don't know how long. It's candy-apple red and even though I've been wanting to paint the car violet I may have to go with that shade because it SO suits Sylvia's personality, the spitfire. Oh I love my car!

For a while, whenever Sylvia (my car) needed oil or something was wrong, ze would put on the emergency brake light (and it would go off when I fixed whatever the issue was), and then a few months ago the emergency brake stuck always on. I figured it was just broken -- but I got my car back from the shop today and the light was off, and as I drove home I realized that ze had been riding rough for about as long as the light had been stuck on. I'm sure there is a 'rational explanation' but fuck that shit, my car is awesome and talks to me. And is now happy and healthy with a new distributor and oh-so-pretty new spark plug wires :D ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDD I HAVE A HANDLE ON THE DRIVER'S DOOR for the first time in I don't know how long. It's candy-apple red and even though I've been wanting to paint the car violet I may have to go with that shade because it SO suits Sylvia's personality, the spitfire. Oh I love my car!

This is two sets of photos -- the first was taken when I went to Big Trees Forest Preserve alone on the 1st, and the second was taken on the 25th when I visited with Ben for the first time. The first set is small, mostly self-portraits, and pales in comparison to the second but I edited them so I'm sharing them anyway, dammit.



( solo visit on the 1st )

Going to Big Trees with Ben was a revelation. As we walked through, we were together, but loosely; ze was comfortable with me wandering off a bit and also wandered a bit zirself, and even when physically separated there was a strong sense of connection. When sharing a sacred space with someone previously, I've had two experiences -- either I am 'leading' and they're sort of reliant on me to open the way for them, or they have a separate experience in the same space. I've never felt that sort of open and free connection before and it's amazing!

But the most thrilling and beautiful part was that I saw it all with a depth that I hadn't before. Ze noticed things I didn't and shared them with me! (usually the other either doesn't share, or doesn't notice things I haven't (or both)) I love that so much! It was so incredibly inspiring for me both emotionally and creatively; this set of photos is BY FAR my best, and quite a few of my favorites were of things that Ben pointed out to me. I'm delighted with how ze sees (and even more with how ze shares) ♥




( Oct 25th visit with Ben ♥ )

This is two sets of photos -- the first was taken when I went to Big Trees Forest Preserve alone on the 1st, and the second was taken on the 25th when I visited with Ben for the first time. The first set is small, mostly self-portraits, and pales in comparison to the second but I edited them so I'm sharing them anyway, dammit.



( solo visit on the 1st )

Going to Big Trees with Ben was a revelation. As we walked through, we were together, but loosely; ze was comfortable with me wandering off a bit and also wandered a bit zirself, and even when physically separated there was a strong sense of connection. When sharing a sacred space with someone previously, I've had two experiences -- either I am 'leading' and they're sort of reliant on me to open the way for them, or they have a separate experience in the same space. I've never felt that sort of open and free connection before and it's amazing!

But the most thrilling and beautiful part was that I saw it all with a depth that I hadn't before. Ze noticed things I didn't and shared them with me! (usually the other either doesn't share, or doesn't notice things I haven't (or both)) I love that so much! It was so incredibly inspiring for me both emotionally and creatively; this set of photos is BY FAR my best, and quite a few of my favorites were of things that Ben pointed out to me. I'm delighted with how ze sees (and even more with how ze shares) ♥




( Oct 25th visit with Ben ♥ )

I am so deeply grateful to have found people who live nearby whom I connect with and who are honest and open and loving and complex ♥ This is something I've yearned for for so many years and I can't even express the intensity of my gratitude for each person. Ash & Viv & Ben & Shel & Saleena & Nicole and and and... I mean, most of the friendships are still in beginning stages but there's already that sense of belonging -- the only time I've ever felt anything like this before was when I was living with the Wynnes and they made me part of the family, and even that wasn't this amazing. It feels like home. It makes me feel safe without feeling bound. It makes me free to be more fully myself.

I just looked back through my LJ to see the timeline on this... ( affirmations I've used and how/when they've worked )

And you know, I first started 'affirming' a local group of friends in March of 2008, but shortly after I began using that affirmation I fell in love with Hannah and Aurilion and stopped saying the affirmation because I felt that I had all the wonder I could handle. And then it seems I forgot about it or lost faith in it and didn't start again until the beginning of 2009, when I decided what the hell, it couldn't hurt. I want to remind myself that this fucking WORKS. I don't care how -- if it's just that it helps me to focus and pay attention more and discover what would have been there anyway, that's magic enough for me. But I believe that gratitude mixed with intention and focus opens up possibility that would not have otherwise existed. Especially since Ash has been affirming unlikely things and having them happen -- it's just as amazing to see it happen in someone else's life.

Words are so powerful. What I say, I hear. What I hear over and over, I believe. What I believe, I live.