what are your experiences with spiritual communities? (from here)

I had one I really loved from age 13 to age 22, liberty church; everyone was friendly, the sermons were useful in a practical way (as in, not just saying "don't lie 'cause god said so" but "lying creates these harms, and here are some ways to be more honest"), racism was acknowledged and actively resisted through a multiracial leadership, emphasis on the fact that Jesus wasn't white, and the encouragement of interracial friendship (though now looking back it was really a surface-level resistance, with no real discussion of privilege), the worship felt real and genuine while the songs were more about connection than groveling, and for many years the pastor began sermons with "this is just my interpretation: you must check with God, your own spirit, and the Bible to be sure it is true." But the pastor quit doing that and attacked me and told me I didn't belong when I pointed out that Jesus said love is more important than anything, including getting more people to join your church. Since then I have had little moments of spiritual community, but nothing that really included me in any lasting way.

what would your ideal spiritual community "look" like, given your beliefs now?

It is a group of people with varying beliefs and pantheons, but shared values of justice and reverence as well as strong love of the forest. We meet once a week for an hour via videochat, to meditate and maybe chant or sing or dance or do ritual movement. We meet in person once a month and take turns presenting and teaching each other things we had learned (if there were long-distance members they would videochat in just for the learning portion). At our meetings we also share food, gift each other energy, and perhaps perform ritual or create/work on sacred objects. At least twice a year we offer whatever spiritual services we can perform (energy work, divination, etc) to our local community. We have some kind of dedicated message thread on fb or email and if we have an intuitive urge or a spiritual need or the like, we share it with the group. We make specific goals for growth and tell each other and hold each other accountable (when desired) to making efforts towards these goals.

Have you ever had a spiritual mentor? if so, what was the relationship like, and if you are no longer close or in contact, was there anything specific that caused the disconnect (aside from moving away from the religion/spiritual practice in general)? (from here)

I've never had a personal one, but I think that my ex-pastor was a spiritual mentor to me in that I admired, learned from, and engaged with them on spiritual issues. Our relationship was me listening to their sermons and going up after sometimes to mention a bit that was especially meaningful or ask a question about something that wasn't clear. I took notes, applied things to my life, and felt like I grew as a person through it. This was true for about 13 years.

Then they preached about 'witnessing' (xtian-speak for trying to convert people) and said it was the most important thing. This contradicts what Jesus said is the most important thing (loving God, others, and yourself), so I went up and asked how those things could be reconciled (thinking that I must have misunderstood something). This person then got very defensive and started attacking my life, saying I wasn't doing enough in this that and the other, and told me that they weren't my pastor. That was the end of that. (the whole story)

Since then I have tried to find people who seemed ahead of me in the direction I want to go, but I haven't had much luck. I have a unusual approach to spirituality in that I treat it as a practical balance of the pragmatic and ethereal, but a lot of people either don't put the pragmatic in their spirituality or they don't explore spiritually because they're focused on the pragmatic and don't hold the ethereal as a priority. To compound that, I reject hierarchy and gender but not the concept of deities -- yet I don't consider deities at all central to my beliefs. This is an extremely unusual spiritual attitude.

I meet people who are more advanced than me, but not people who are more advanced in the ways that I want to grow. They have to exist, I'm sure, but I have no idea how I might find one.

To John Fichtner of Liberty Church in Marietta
on your claim that homosexuality is a sin, your claim that your judgment is the only valid interpretation, and your heretical, blasphemous claim that Christians should put denouncing sin above showing love:

I'm deeply disappointed in you as a person, and incensed with your behavior. You used to be humble and value truth above pride: you used to say in every sermon, "what I preach is just my interpretation: check with your own spirit, God, and the Bible to be sure." You used to listen and consider the possibility that you might have misinterpreted things. Now you are so arrogantly confident in your authority that you laugh disbelievingly when someone questions your judgment. Five years ago you started down this path when you claimed that "witnessing" was more important than love. Now you've started claiming that your judgment is also more important than love, and that your interpretation of the few times the Bible mentions the word homosexuality is unquestionably correct. I have three things to say to you about this.

1) Your interpretation is based on flimsy reasoning, is certainly not the only interpretation, and in my mind and the minds of many (conservative!) Christians, is erroneous (and comes from your own prejudice). Here's a well-researched and exhaustive explanation of the passages that mention homosexuality. Despite your claims, science and sociology certainly do not say homosexuality is bad, and whether or not it is innate is irrelevant, because it's not a sin.

2) Your presenting your interpretation as truth without allowing your followers to decide for themselves is religious bullying and spiritual abuse. Jesus had a LOT to say about religious bullies -- people who oppressed others because they were so sure they had the "right" answers and the "right" way of living. Here's what Jesus said about homosexuals: "          ." (that is, nothing) Here's what Jesus said about religious bullies: ( verse links & a quote ) Even Paul (who wrote Romans which you claim condemns homosexuality) says clearly that we are each to work out our own salvation. Jesus broke the "laws" of the old testament over and over. Such as working on the sabbath, which according to the popular interpretation of the day broke one of the commandments. Did Jesus sin? or were the "pastors" of the day wrong when they decided that observing the letter of the law was more important than the POINT of the law?

3) The only command Jesus gave was Love, and the Bible says that God is Love. That means that the claim that something is more important than love is contradicting Jesus and the Bible. Even if you were right in your interpretation that "homosexuality is a sin" and in your forcing your interpretation on others, you'd still be wrong in your claim that "fixing" homosexuals is more important than showing them love as they are. 1st Cor 13, 1 John 4:7-21, John 13:34-35, Matthew 22:36-40.

4) Love is NOT deciding that someone else's life isn't good enough and telling them they can change in order to be what you think is right. That's called judging, and in case you weren't sure, judging isn't love and it isn't appropriate for a human to do to another. People are bad at judging others because they aren't omniscient.

( You upset me very much with your leading people astray. )

To John Fichtner of Liberty Church in Marietta
on your claim that homosexuality is a sin, your claim that your judgment is the only valid interpretation, and your heretical, blasphemous claim that Christians should put denouncing sin above showing love:

I'm deeply disappointed in you as a person, and incensed with your behavior. You used to be humble and value truth above pride: you used to say in every sermon, "what I preach is just my interpretation: check with your own spirit, God, and the Bible to be sure." You used to listen and consider the possibility that you might have misinterpreted things. Now you are so arrogantly confident in your authority that you laugh disbelievingly when someone questions your judgment. Five years ago you started down this path when you claimed that "witnessing" was more important than love. Now you've started claiming that your judgment is also more important than love, and that your interpretation of the few times the Bible mentions the word homosexuality is unquestionably correct. I have three things to say to you about this.

1) Your interpretation is based on flimsy reasoning, is certainly not the only interpretation, and in my mind and the minds of many (conservative!) Christians, is erroneous (and comes from your own prejudice). Here's a well-researched and exhaustive explanation of the passages that mention homosexuality. Despite your claims, science and sociology certainly do not say homosexuality is bad, and whether or not it is innate is irrelevant, because it's not a sin.

2) Your presenting your interpretation as truth without allowing your followers to decide for themselves is religious bullying and spiritual abuse. Jesus had a LOT to say about religious bullies -- people who oppressed others because they were so sure they had the "right" answers and the "right" way of living. Here's what Jesus said about homosexuals: "          ." (that is, nothing) Here's what Jesus said about religious bullies: ( verse links & a quote ) Even Paul (who wrote Romans which you claim condemns homosexuality) says clearly that we are each to work out our own salvation. Jesus broke the "laws" of the old testament over and over. Such as working on the sabbath, which according to the popular interpretation of the day broke one of the commandments. Did Jesus sin? or were the "pastors" of the day wrong when they decided that observing the letter of the law was more important than the POINT of the law?

3) The only command Jesus gave was Love, and the Bible says that God is Love. That means that the claim that something is more important than love is contradicting Jesus and the Bible. Even if you were right in your interpretation that "homosexuality is a sin" and in your forcing your interpretation on others, you'd still be wrong in your claim that "fixing" homosexuals is more important than showing them love as they are. 1st Cor 13, 1 John 4:7-21, John 13:34-35, Matthew 22:36-40.

( You upset me very much with your leading people astray. )

This is probably a completely incoherent entry -- even though it asks a lot of questions it asks none of them well, so consider them rhetorical. :-p

I've been thinking about the nature of relationships (both platonic and romantic) lately. I define a relationship as a connection between two people, deliberately deepened by sharing time, energy, and thoughts/feelings. And what is the point of relationships? I think that is the part that confuses me because I used to have really clear goals in my relationships. Goals like learning to trust and learning how to be honest and open and learning how to give&require respect. Now I've pretty much got that down and I don't know where to go from there. I don't have an easy WHY for any of my relationships, other than wanting to learn everything about everyone, and that's really unfocused and makes me feel like I'm stagnating.

( looking for a new focus )

Maybe it's something to do with my spirituality, integrating that more into my relationships. I've been feeling directionless there too. On a whim the other day I went to my old church for just a taste of communal love and even the worship had gone utterly stale. Which is to be expected since the leader has gone deeper and deeper into ridiculous dogma, but still shocking because I'd always felt magic in the worship.

This is probably a completely incoherent entry -- even though it asks a lot of questions it asks none of them well, so consider them rhetorical. :-p

I've been thinking about the nature of relationships (both platonic and romantic) lately. I define a relationship as a connection between two people, deliberately deepened by sharing time, energy, and thoughts/feelings. And what is the point of relationships? I think that is the part that confuses me because I used to have really clear goals in my relationships. Goals like learning to trust and learning how to be honest and open and learning how to give&require respect. Now I've pretty much got that down and I don't know where to go from there. I don't have an easy WHY for any of my relationships, other than wanting to learn everything about everyone, and that's really unfocused and makes me feel like I'm stagnating.

( looking for a new focus )

Maybe it's something to do with my spirituality, integrating that more into my relationships. I've been feeling directionless there too. On a whim the other day I went to my old church for just a taste of communal love and even the worship had gone utterly stale. Which is to be expected since the leader has gone deeper and deeper into ridiculous dogma, but still shocking because I'd always felt magic in the worship.

Sunday I met with Pat for the first time since I saw the cut trees, and I talked about it with zir. (I had left a very short voice mail but had been too upset to say much at the time) I told zir that I was very upset and hurt about it, that I regretted not telling zir more of how important trees are to me -- and the fact that they do, in fact, feel -- and ze interrupted and said "What you don't know is how I felt when they cut them down. I was crying too, I was in so much pain." I absorbed that for a second and then asked, of course, "then why did you do it??" and ze said that ze "had to" and I felt a flash of annoyance before ze went on to explain that ze needed more light in order to truly live. Ze said that the shade of the trees in front of the house (which is facing up a hill) made zir feel that ze was living in a cave, and it was depressing enough being alone for the first time in 27+ years, so ze was afraid that if ze didn't bring more light in ze might hurt more than ze could bear. When I heard that I felt such relief, because I know the trees would have been willing to die that ze might live, and it was for a real reason -- not just to grow grass like everybody else. Also, ze is planning on using the wood, which helps. And ze said that ze had wanted to keep two of the dogwoods but the worker had told zir that it would be a mistake because of how close they were to the house, so they were cut too. So Pat suggested that ze and I could get two baby trees and plant them in a different spot ♥ I almost started crying right there in the coffeeshop.

I also went to church with zir -- to Liberty, where I haven't been in AGES. I'll get the crankypants stuff out of the way first. ( this is a pretty long rant -- in summary, sermons should be a dialogue, and speakers should be humble )

Backing up to before the sermon, the worship was good (even if they did sing the same song the whole time, and even though I had to alter the words a bit to make them fit -- Jesus is not my king/ruler, ze is my friend). The really amazing part came when they did an altar call (where people who want special prayer come up to the front). I hesitated for a bit because I wasn't feeling especially moved by the worship or especially needy, which are usually my reasons for going forward, but I decided to go up anyway. The second I stepped in front of the pews I felt a wave of love and such a warm embrace that I gasped -- I really wasn't expecting anything! And then as I opened myself up I heard Jesus say in a laughing, loving way, "I haven't forgotten you" which made me start crying because I hadn't realized until that moment that I feel like the christian church (with all its laws and judgments) steps between me and Jesus, and I didn't think I would be able to connect with zir that way ever again. After a minute ze continued, "I know you haven't forgotten me, and I haven't forgotten you either, silly." I mentally responded, "but, it seems like everyone else wants to relate to you as a king/ruler, and spend all their time on their face at your feet." Ze said, "maybe, and that way is valid/appreciated, but your way is valid, too, and I really like it [[no comparison in this, just an appreciation for the specific way that I relate to zir]]." Then for a while I just stood in zir presence and felt zir presence around me like a warm cloud, while ze showed me images of the two of us -- holding hands, standing next to each other with zir arm around my waist, hugging. It was so incredibly wonderful and so incredibly clear -- I've never communicated with zir so clearly before! It makes me laugh a little now, to think how I had to leave the church to deepen my relationship with Jesus.

After the worship was over, the spouse of the speaker gave a message from God/dess to the "young [person] in the green jacket" -- my parent Pat *giggles* Apparently Pat had gone up too, because the message-giver spoke of "the thing that [Pat] went forward to give to God," saying that God was going to exchange it -- not as an equal trade, but taking the suffering/sorrow and giving in exchange "a life more beautiful than you can imagine." I started crying (again! it was a weepy day) because those were almost the very same words I had spoken to Pat when I was encouraging zir to get a divorce -- I said that ze had lost zirself, and didn't know who ze was, but that when ze learned how to be zir trueself zir life would become more wonderful than ze could ever imagine. I felt both overwhelmed with happiness for Pat (who is more likely to trust God's words over mine) and deeply loved/affirmed that God was saying things in (almost) my words, to encourage me that yes, it is going to happen, and my parent IS going to taste life in all its splendor, ze IS going to overcome all the years of abuse and be FREE.

Then on Monday aliyna mentioned a 'what religion are you' quiz and I went hunting and found a very insightful, balanced, and accurate quiz which is a little behind the times as they don't provide blogging code, but I encourage you to try it out anyway -- it's the only worth-your-time quiz I've taken in a very long time. It made me think! ( and the results were quite interesting! ) Having such a high Liberal Quaker score reminded me that someone had suggested them to me a while back, so I went looking to see what exactly they believed. I always thought they were some kind of hyper-conservative Christian denomination, a throwback to the Puritans, so I was floored when I read what their values and services consist of.

They are absolutely the most equalist group I have ever heard of. They endeavor to speak in such a way as to treat everyone equally!!!!!!! which is where the 'thee' and 'thou' come from as apparently 'you' used to be more formal/distant. And why they call everyone 'Friend' and refused to use titles. And, stolen from wikipedia: "Friends believe that all people are created equal in the eyes of God. Since all people embody the same divine spark all people deserve equal treatment." And they actually LIVE THIS by making changes in society to create equality! They impose no doctrine -- instead, they embrace reliance on personal relationship/experience with/of God/dess. It was founded by Christians but is inclusive of other belief systems as well, even nontheists. And the thing that made me clap, shriek, and bounce in my chair -- their meetings consist of mainly silent meditation, with people getting up and speaking as they feel moved to do so. No one person telling everyone else what to do; no power-over, only power-with. Oh. My. God/dess. I could really go on forever -- do you know how LONG I have YEARNED to find a group of people that pays more than lip-service to equality??? In speaking of equality for all I shouldn't have to specify queers too, but yes, queers too. ;-)

So I went hunting for Quaker meetings in my area and hopefully I will go to my first one this Sunday (First Day, hee hee)!!! :D

omg this is embarrassingly long :-O I'm working on a music post though, so you shall be rewarded for your perseverance :D

Sunday I met with Pat for the first time since I saw the cut trees, and I talked about it with zir. (I had left a very short voice mail but had been too upset to say much at the time) I told zir that I was very upset and hurt about it, that I regretted not telling zir more of how important trees are to me -- and the fact that they do, in fact, feel -- and ze interrupted and said "What you don't know is how I felt when they cut them down. I was crying too, I was in so much pain." I absorbed that for a second and then asked, of course, "then why did you do it??" and ze said that ze "had to" and I felt a flash of annoyance before ze went on to explain that ze needed more light in order to truly live. Ze said that the shade of the trees in front of the house (which is facing up a hill) made zir feel that ze was living in a cave, and it was depressing enough being alone for the first time in 27+ years, so ze was afraid that if ze didn't bring more light in ze might hurt more than ze could bear. When I heard that I felt such relief, because I know the trees would have been willing to die that ze might live, and it was for a real reason -- not just to grow grass like everybody else. Also, ze is planning on using the wood, which helps. And ze said that ze had wanted to keep two of the dogwoods but the worker had told zir that it would be a mistake because of how close they were to the house, so they were cut too. So Pat suggested that ze and I could get two baby trees and plant them in a different spot ♥ I almost started crying right there in the coffeeshop.

I also went to church with zir -- to Liberty, where I haven't been in AGES. I'll get the crankypants stuff out of the way first. ( this is a pretty long rant -- in summary, sermons should be a dialogue, and speakers should be humble )

Backing up to before the sermon, the worship was good (even if they did sing the same song the whole time, and even though I had to alter the words a bit to make them fit -- Jesus is not my king/ruler, ze is my friend). The really amazing part came when they did an altar call (where people who want special prayer come up to the front). I hesitated for a bit because I wasn't feeling especially moved by the worship or especially needy, which are usually my reasons for going forward, but I decided to go up anyway. The second I stepped in front of the pews I felt a wave of love and such a warm embrace that I gasped -- I really wasn't expecting anything! And then as I opened myself up I heard Jesus say in a laughing, loving way, "I haven't forgotten you" which made me start crying because I hadn't realized until that moment that I feel like the christian church (with all its laws and judgments) steps between me and Jesus, and I didn't think I would be able to connect with zir that way ever again. After a minute ze continued, "I know you haven't forgotten me, and I haven't forgotten you either, silly." I mentally responded, "but, it seems like everyone else wants to relate to you as a king/ruler, and spend all their time on their face at your feet." Ze said, "maybe, and that way is valid/appreciated, but your way is valid, too, and I really like it [[no comparison in this, just an appreciation for the specific way that I relate to zir]]." Then for a while I just stood in zir presence and felt zir presence around me like a warm cloud, while ze showed me images of the two of us -- holding hands, standing next to each other with zir arm around my waist, hugging. It was so incredibly wonderful and so incredibly clear -- I've never communicated with zir so clearly before! It makes me laugh a little now, to think how I had to leave the church to deepen my relationship with Jesus.

After the worship was over, the spouse of the speaker gave a message from God/dess to the "young [person] in the green jacket" -- my parent Pat *giggles* Apparently Pat had gone up too, because the message-giver spoke of "the thing that [Pat] went forward to give to God," saying that God was going to exchange it -- not as an equal trade, but taking the suffering/sorrow and giving in exchange "a life more beautiful than you can imagine." I started crying (again! it was a weepy day) because those were almost the very same words I had spoken to Pat when I was encouraging zir to get a divorce -- I said that ze had lost zirself, and didn't know who ze was, but that when ze learned how to be zir trueself zir life would become more wonderful than ze could ever imagine. I felt both overwhelmed with happiness for Pat (who is more likely to trust God's words over mine) and deeply loved/affirmed that God was saying things in (almost) my words, to encourage me that yes, it is going to happen, and my parent IS going to taste life in all its splendor, ze IS going to overcome all the years of abuse and be FREE.

Then on Monday aliyna mentioned a 'what religion are you' quiz and I went hunting and found a very insightful, balanced, and accurate quiz which is a little behind the times as they don't provide blogging code, but I encourage you to try it out anyway -- it's the only worth-your-time quiz I've taken in a very long time. It made me think! ( and the results were quite interesting! ) Having such a high Liberal Quaker score reminded me that someone had suggested them to me a while back, so I went looking to see what exactly they believed. I always thought they were some kind of hyper-conservative Christian denomination, a throwback to the Puritans, so I was floored when I read what their values and services consist of.

They are absolutely the most equalist group I have ever heard of. They endeavor to speak in such a way as to treat everyone equally!!!!!!! which is where the 'thee' and 'thou' come from as apparently 'you' used to be more formal/distant. And why they call everyone 'Friend' and refused to use titles. And, stolen from wikipedia: "Friends believe that all people are created equal in the eyes of God. Since all people embody the same divine spark all people deserve equal treatment." And they actually LIVE THIS by making changes in society to create equality! They impose no doctrine -- instead, they embrace reliance on personal relationship/experience with/of God/dess. It was founded by Christians but is inclusive of other belief systems as well, even nontheists. And the thing that made me clap, shriek, and bounce in my chair -- their meetings consist of mainly silent meditation, with people getting up and speaking as they feel moved to do so. No one person telling everyone else what to do; no power-over, only power-with. Oh. My. God/dess. I could really go on forever -- do you know how LONG I have YEARNED to find a group of people that pays more than lip-service to equality??? In speaking of equality for all I shouldn't have to specify queers too, but yes, queers too. ;-)

So I went hunting for Quaker meetings in my area and hopefully I will go to my first one this Sunday (First Day, hee hee)!!! :D

omg this is embarrassingly long :-O I'm working on a music post though, so you shall be rewarded for your perseverance :D

Sunday I met with Pat for the first time since I saw the cut trees, and I talked about it with zir. (I had left a very short voice mail but had been too upset to say much at the time) I told zir that I was very upset and hurt about it, that I regretted not telling zir more of how important trees are to me -- and the fact that they do, in fact, feel -- and ze interrupted and said "What you don't know is how I felt when they cut them down. I was crying too, I was in so much pain." I absorbed that for a second and then asked, of course, "then why did you do it??" and ze said that ze "had to" and I felt a flash of annoyance before ze went on to explain that ze needed more light in order to truly live. Ze said that the shade of the trees in front of the house (which is facing up a hill) made zir feel that ze was living in a cave, and it was depressing enough being alone for the first time in 27+ years, so ze was afraid that if ze didn't bring more light in ze might hurt more than ze could bear. When I heard that I felt such relief, because I know the trees would have been willing to die that ze might live, and it was for a real reason -- not just to grow grass like everybody else. Also, ze is planning on using the wood, which helps. And ze said that ze had wanted to keep two of the dogwoods but the worker had told zir that it would be a mistake because of how close they were to the house, so they were cut too. So Pat suggested that ze and I could get two baby trees and plant them in a different spot ♥ I almost started crying right there in the coffeeshop.

I also went to church with zir -- to Liberty, where I haven't been in AGES. I'll get the crankypants stuff out of the way first. ( this is a pretty long rant -- in summary, sermons should be a dialogue, and speakers should be humble )

Backing up to before the sermon, the worship was good (even if they did sing the same song the whole time, and even though I had to alter the words a bit to make them fit -- Jesus is not my king/ruler, ze is my friend). The really amazing part came when they did an altar call (where people who want special prayer come up to the front). I hesitated for a bit because I wasn't feeling especially moved by the worship or especially needy, which are usually my reasons for going forward, but I decided to go up anyway. The second I stepped in front of the pews I felt a wave of love and such a warm embrace that I gasped -- I really wasn't expecting anything! And then as I opened myself up I heard Jesus say in a laughing, loving way, "I haven't forgotten you" which made me start crying because I hadn't realized until that moment that I feel like the christian church (with all its laws and judgments) steps between me and Jesus, and I didn't think I would be able to connect with zir that way ever again. After a minute ze continued, "I know you haven't forgotten me, and I haven't forgotten you either, silly." I mentally responded, "but, it seems like everyone else wants to relate to you as a king/ruler, and spend all their time on their face at your feet." Ze said, "maybe, and that way is valid/appreciated, but your way is valid, too, and I really like it [[no comparison in this, just an appreciation for the specific way that I relate to zir]]." Then for a while I just stood in zir presence and felt zir presence around me like a warm cloud, while ze showed me images of the two of us -- holding hands, standing next to each other with zir arm around my waist, hugging. It was so incredibly wonderful and so incredibly clear -- I've never communicated with zir so clearly before! It makes me laugh a little now, to think how I had to leave the church to deepen my relationship with Jesus.

After the worship was over, the spouse of the speaker gave a message from God/dess to the "young [person] in the green jacket" -- my parent Pat *giggles* Apparently Pat had gone up too, because the message-giver spoke of "the thing that [Pat] went forward to give to God," saying that God was going to exchange it -- not as an equal trade, but taking the suffering/sorrow and giving in exchange "a life more beautiful than you can imagine." I started crying (again! it was a weepy day) because those were almost the very same words I had spoken to Pat when I was encouraging zir to get a divorce -- I said that ze had lost zirself, and didn't know who ze was, but that when ze learned how to be zir trueself zir life would become more wonderful than ze could ever imagine. I felt both overwhelmed with happiness for Pat (who is more likely to trust God's words over mine) and deeply loved/affirmed that God was saying things in (almost) my words, to encourage me that yes, it is going to happen, and my parent IS going to taste life in all its splendor, ze IS going to overcome all the years of abuse and be FREE.

Then on Monday aliyna mentioned a 'what religion are you' quiz and I went hunting and found a very insightful, balanced, and accurate quiz which is a little behind the times as they don't provide blogging code, but I encourage you to try it out anyway -- it's the only worth-your-time quiz I've taken in a very long time. It made me think! ( and the results were quite interesting! ) Having such a high Liberal Quaker score reminded me that someone had suggested them to me a while back, so I went looking to see what exactly they believed. I always thought they were some kind of hyper-conservative Christian denomination, a throwback to the Puritans, so I was floored when I read what their values and services consist of.

They are absolutely the most equalist group I have ever heard of. They endeavor to speak in such a way as to treat everyone equally!!!!!!! which is where the 'thee' and 'thou' come from as apparently 'you' used to be more formal/distant. And why they call everyone 'Friend' and refused to use titles. And, stolen from wikipedia: "Friends believe that all people are created equal in the eyes of God. Since all people embody the same divine spark all people deserve equal treatment." And they actually LIVE THIS by making changes in society to create equality! They impose no doctrine -- instead, they embrace reliance on personal relationship/experience with/of God/dess. It was founded by Christians but is inclusive of other belief systems as well, even nontheists. And the thing that made me clap, shriek, and bounce in my chair -- their meetings consist of mainly silent meditation, with people getting up and speaking as they feel moved to do so. No one person telling everyone else what to do; no power-over, only power-with. Oh. My. God/dess. I could really go on forever -- do you know how LONG I have YEARNED to find a group of people that pays more than lip-service to equality??? In speaking of equality for all I shouldn't have to specify queers too, but yes, queers too. ;-)

So I went hunting for Quaker meetings in my area and hopefully I will go to my first one this Sunday (First Day, hee hee)!!! :D

omg this is embarrassingly long :-O I'm working on a music post though, so you shall be rewarded for your perseverance :D

one of the first photos taken with my NEW Sony Cybershot DSC-W80!!! I loooooooooooove her!

( me and Spydra -- and raving about her awesome features! )

About a year ago, I stopped going to Liberty because of an argument I had with the pastor. After a week or two, the co-pastors of the service I went to sent me a card saying they missed me, and then two weeks after that, sent me a plant (along with another card). I was very touched by the fact that they noticed my absence and went to such trouble to reach out to me (and I wondered if pastor Beth had told them, since she was around during the argument). I kept the plant, and it slowly became symbolic for me. It seemed to wax and wane according to the health of my spirit (probably because when I was spiritually low I never remembered to water it). So now I think of it as my 'spirituality plant.'

I had been meaning to re-pot it for ages, and finally got the pot and soil day before yesterday. In the bottom of the pot you're supposed to put stones or something to allow for better drainage, so I looked around for something to put in and saw these five stones that someone in my support group (from 2 years ago) had given me, with words on them -- 'peace,' 'you are beautiful' -- etc. They seemed ridiculously appropriate so I put them in along with some glass beads that I probably wouldn't use. When I tapped the plant loose from its old pot, there was almost no soil left! it was all roots! and they were so thick! I have no idea how that plant managed to stay so healthy with no nutrients. Loosening the roots took strong pulls because they were so tangled. I've replanted quite a bit thanks to my mom, but I've never seen roots so hard to separate.

It all seemed very symbolic of me -- I've outgrown my old 'pot' and have been living in too small a world, for so long that my roots have gotten tangled up with each other and I have run out of nutrients. By exploring new churches, making renewed effort with friends, and starting this women's group, I'm untangling and stretching out my roots to be nourished again. You should see how happy that plant looks in its new pot!


( me and my spirituality plant )

one of the first photos taken with my NEW Sony Cybershot DSC-W80!!! I loooooooooooove her!

( me and Spydra -- and raving about her awesome features! )

About a year ago, I stopped going to Liberty because of an argument I had with the pastor. After a week or two, the co-pastors of the service I went to sent me a card saying they missed me, and then two weeks after that, sent me a plant (along with another card). I was very touched by the fact that they noticed my absence and went to such trouble to reach out to me (and I wondered if pastor Beth had told them, since she was around during the argument). I kept the plant, and it slowly became symbolic for me. It seemed to wax and wane according to the health of my spirit (probably because when I was spiritually low I never remembered to water it). So now I think of it as my 'spirituality plant.'

I had been meaning to re-pot it for ages, and finally got the pot and soil day before yesterday. In the bottom of the pot you're supposed to put stones or something to allow for better drainage, so I looked around for something to put in and saw these five stones that someone in my support group (from 2 years ago) had given me, with words on them -- 'peace,' 'you are beautiful' -- etc. They seemed ridiculously appropriate so I put them in along with some glass beads that I probably wouldn't use. When I tapped the plant loose from its old pot, there was almost no soil left! it was all roots! and they were so thick! I have no idea how that plant managed to stay so healthy with no nutrients. Loosening the roots took strong pulls because they were so tangled. I've replanted quite a bit thanks to my mom, but I've never seen roots so hard to separate.

It all seemed very symbolic of me -- I've outgrown my old 'pot' and have been living in too small a world, for so long that my roots have gotten tangled up with each other and I have run out of nutrients. By exploring new churches, making renewed effort with friends, and starting this women's group, I'm untangling and stretching out my roots to be nourished again. You should see how happy that plant looks in its new pot!


( me and my spirituality plant )

one of the first photos taken with my NEW Sony Cybershot DSC-W80!!! I loooooooooooove her!

( me and Spydra -- and raving about her awesome features! )

About a year ago, I stopped going to Liberty because of an argument I had with the pastor. After a week or two, the co-pastors of the service I went to sent me a card saying they missed me, and then two weeks after that, sent me a plant (along with another card). I was very touched by the fact that they noticed my absence and went to such trouble to reach out to me (and I wondered if pastor Beth had told them, since she was around during the argument). I kept the plant, and it slowly became symbolic for me. It seemed to wax and wane according to the health of my spirit (probably because when I was spiritually low I never remembered to water it). So now I think of it as my 'spirituality plant.'

I had been meaning to re-pot it for ages, and finally got the pot and soil day before yesterday. In the bottom of the pot you're supposed to put stones or something to allow for better drainage, so I looked around for something to put in and saw these five stones that someone in my support group (from 2 years ago) had given me, with words on them -- 'peace,' 'you are beautiful' -- etc. They seemed ridiculously appropriate so I put them in along with some glass beads that I probably wouldn't use. When I tapped the plant loose from its old pot, there was almost no soil left! it was all roots! and they were so thick! I have no idea how that plant managed to stay so healthy with no nutrients. Loosening the roots took strong pulls because they were so tangled. I've replanted quite a bit thanks to my mom, but I've never seen roots so hard to separate.

It all seemed very symbolic of me -- I've outgrown my old 'pot' and have been living in too small a world, for so long that my roots have gotten tangled up with each other and I have run out of nutrients. By exploring new churches, making renewed effort with friends, and starting this women's group, I'm untangling and stretching out my roots to be nourished again. You should see how happy that plant looks in its new pot!


( me and my spirituality plant )

eek eeek eeeek!!!!!!!

I just sent an email to two of the women at my church who are organizing a panel discussion called "Going Beyond Your Weight," offering to speak. now I am so jittery-nervous-eeeeeeeeeeek... especially since one of the women is the wife to the pastor. ( here's the email )

and in the jittery but body-positive spirit of the moment, a new curvygirls shirt design! Same quote as an older design, but more eye-catching.

eek eeek eeeek!!!!!!!

I just sent an email to two of the women at my church who are organizing a panel discussion called "Going Beyond Your Weight," offering to speak. now I am so jittery-nervous-eeeeeeeeeeek... especially since one of the women is the wife to the pastor. ( here's the email )

and in the jittery but body-positive spirit of the moment, a new curvygirls shirt design! Same quote as an older design, but more eye-catching.

eek eeek eeeek!!!!!!!

I just sent an email to two of the women at my church who are organizing a panel discussion called "Going Beyond Your Weight," offering to speak. now I am so jittery-nervous-eeeeeeeeeeek... especially since one of the women is the wife to the pastor. ( here's the email )

and in the jittery but body-positive spirit of the moment, a new curvygirls shirt design! Same quote as an older design, but more eye-catching.

there's all this happy stuff I want to post about, but today has been such a painful day.

( pre-today leftover emotions, missing Ren Fest )

( our goal as humans is to love )

THEN we went to church, and I got very upset with the sermon, so afterward I went up to talk to Pastor John. One of the main points of his sermon was that 'reaching the lost' was our highest calling as humans. I told him that I think that is 80% correct, that sharing our truth with others and helping them find God was a huge part of our main calling, but that our primary purpose is simpler -- just to love. I believe sharing truth is a huge part of love, but it is not all, and it is not the most important thing. I referred to Mark 12:30-31 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these." The verb in these commandments, the commandments that replace old testament, is LOVE. And Jesus himself said that there was NO GREATER COMMANDMENT. That should be pretty clear! Love is primary, love is first, love encompasses anything and everything. The Bible also says, "God is Love" -- how then can there be ANYTHING greater than love??? to say so is to say that something is greater than God. 1 John 4:7-8 "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." 1 John 4:16 "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him." LOVE is our calling, our purpose, our reason for life! PJ listened at first, nodding as I spoke of the importance of love, but when I said it was more important than 'reaching the lost' he didn't agree.

He started talking about being 'fruitful' and went on for a bit about how he had seen more people get saved since he gained his new way of looking at the goal of life, and I realized that we have a fundamental difference. I don't love people with the goal of leading them to Jesus, I love them for the sake of the God that made them and the amazing, phenomenal, unique, incredibly valuable spirit that they are. Whether or not they turn to Jesus is NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY. That is THEIR choice -- my responsibility is just to offer as much love as I can, and if they ask, to tell them what I know of how to reconnect with God.

( then he said some stuff that hurt, though I don't think he intended to hurt at all )

Ben and I had loooooooooong twisting painful conversation about all of it, but ended up with supporting each other and realizing that we are both on the cusp of major change. He's such an amazing husband, without him I just wouldn't be. And he's growing so much.

there's all this happy stuff I want to post about, but today has been such a painful day.

( pre-today leftover emotions, missing Ren Fest )

( our goal as humans is to love )

THEN we went to church, and I got very upset with the sermon, so afterward I went up to talk to Pastor John. One of the main points of his sermon was that 'reaching the lost' was our highest calling as humans. I told him that I think that is 80% correct, that sharing our truth with others and helping them find God was a huge part of our main calling, but that our primary purpose is simpler -- just to love. I believe sharing truth is a huge part of love, but it is not all, and it is not the most important thing. I referred to Mark 12:30-31 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these." The verb in these commandments, the commandments that replace old testament, is LOVE. And Jesus himself said that there was NO GREATER COMMANDMENT. That should be pretty clear! Love is primary, love is first, love encompasses anything and everything. The Bible also says, "God is Love" -- how then can there be ANYTHING greater than love??? to say so is to say that something is greater than God. 1 John 4:7-8 "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." 1 John 4:16 "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him." LOVE is our calling, our purpose, our reason for life! PJ listened at first, nodding as I spoke of the importance of love, but when I said it was more important than 'reaching the lost' he didn't agree.

He started talking about being 'fruitful' and went on for a bit about how he had seen more people get saved since he gained his new way of looking at the goal of life, and I realized that we have a fundamental difference. I don't love people with the goal of leading them to Jesus, I love them for the sake of the God that made them and the amazing, phenomenal, unique, incredibly valuable spirit that they are. Whether or not they turn to Jesus is NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY. That is THEIR choice -- my responsibility is just to offer as much love as I can, and if they ask, to tell them what I know of how to reconnect with God.

( then he said some stuff that hurt, though I don't think he intended to hurt at all )

Ben and I had loooooooooong twisting painful conversation about all of it, but ended up with supporting each other and realizing that we are both on the cusp of major change. He's such an amazing husband, without him I just wouldn't be. And he's growing so much.

there's all this happy stuff I want to post about, but today has been such a painful day.

( pre-today leftover emotions, missing Ren Fest )

THEN we went to church, and I got very upset with the sermon, so afterward I went up to talk to Pastor John. One of the main points of his sermon was that 'reaching the lost' was our highest calling as humans. I told him that I think that is 80% correct, that sharing our truth with others and helping them find God was a huge part of our main calling, but that our primary purpose is simpler -- just to love. I believe sharing truth is a huge part of love, but it is not all, and it is not the most important thing. I referred to Mark 12:30-31 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these." The verb in these commandments, the commandments that replace old testament, is LOVE. And Jesus himself said that there was NO GREATER COMMANDMENT. That should be pretty clear! Love is primary, love is first, love encompasses anything and everything. The Bible also says, "God is Love" -- how then can there be ANYTHING greater than love??? to say so is to say that something is greater than God. 1 John 4:7-8 "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." 1 John 4:16 "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him." LOVE is our calling, our purpose, our reason for life! PJ listened at first, nodding as I spoke of the importance of love, but when I said it was more important than 'reaching the lost' he didn't agree.

He started talking about being 'fruitful' and went on for a bit about how he had seen more people get saved since he gained his new way of looking at the goal of life, and I realized that we have a fundamental difference. I don't love people with the goal of leading them to Jesus, I love them for the sake of the God that made them and the amazing, phenominal, unique, incredibly valuable spirit that they are. Whether or not they turn to Jesus is NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY. That is THEIR choice -- my responsibility is just to offer as much love as I can, and if they ask, to tell them what I know of how to reconnect with God.

( then he said some stuff that hurt, though I don't think he intended to hurt at all )

Nimajneb and I had loooooooooong twisting painful conversation about all of it, but ended up with supporting each other and realizing that we are both on the cusp of major change. He's such an amazing husband, without him I just wouldn't be. And he's growing so much.

Our church has a very unique structure, designed to keep the 'small-church family' feel, even as we grow. We have one service on Friday evening, two on Saturday evening, two Sunday morning and one Sunday night -- and our pastor preaches the same sermon all six services. He takes every fifth weekend off to keep from burn-out (and that week we have a guest speaker). Anyway, we really believe in making connections, and part of that means having home groups -- basically, a small group of people that meet every two weeks or so to talk and bond and support each other. Ben and I have been trying to find one, but they all seemed to be so much older. (I think the younger ones tend to be less committed)

We finally visited one, and I loved it. Everyone was so cheerful and energetic and loud! Ben wasn't quite as thrilled as I was about the loudness -- but with me, it reminded me so much of being in Paula and Spencer's house -- when you have a group, you gotta pretty much shout to get heard, and everyone talks over each other and nobody gets offended! Oh my gosh I love that, I lovelovelove it. You'll have three conversations going on at once, and then everyone will listen to one person for a minute, and then it splits into several conversations again. It's just so free!

And it was quite a mixed group -- a single mom, three couples with kids, one couple with a new baby, and then us and another newlywed older couple who were also trying out the group for the first time. Everyone except Ben, myself, and the couple with the new baby was black. I really clicked with Veronica and Najla, though I'm a little intimidated by Najla 'cause she's SO bold. And she has teenage kids, so I feel like we probably have little in common. But I'm pretty sure we're going to stay in this group, it felt like family immediately. Especially with the oldest woman -- she was the one who invited us in the first place, and she's very motherly. It made me so happy to FINALLY find a group I'd actually want to bond with.

And afterwards we walked to the front and saw the Wynnes! My heart did a backflip and I ran up and hugged Paula, who was happy to see me. She had a baby on her hip, but even though the baby looked a lot like Spencer I couldn't recognize her as Risa! She's a year old now, and I've only seen her a handful of times. Spencer handed me his phone and told me to put my number in, so I did, but while I was doing that Paula left to change Risa's diaper, and I didn't even greet her... Still, I was just so happy to see them! I asked about William and Spencer said that he won the National Championship in track, doing hurdles -- I don't remember specifically what, but apparently he's assured scholarships now. I'm so proud of my little brother. ;-)

As we were walking away, I thought to myself, 'hey, maybe I actually won't cry this time, I just feel happy.' Then of course I realized that I didn't even say hi to Risa when I desperately want to hold her... and I started crying. Why is there still so much pain in my heart over that? I really don't understand it... It just hurts so much to not be a part of their lives. So much, still, a year later... it doesn't hurt any less, I just think about them less... I miss them so much. When will I be able to let them go? I thought I had gotten better.

Our church has a very unique structure, designed to keep the 'small-church family' feel, even as we grow. We have one service on Friday evening, two on Saturday evening, two Sunday morning and one Sunday night -- and our pastor preaches the same sermon all six services. He takes every fifth weekend off to keep from burn-out (and that week we have a guest speaker). Anyway, we really believe in making connections, and part of that means having home groups -- basically, a small group of people that meet every two weeks or so to talk and bond and support each other. Ben and I have been trying to find one, but they all seemed to be so much older. (I think the younger ones tend to be less committed)

We finally visited one, and I loved it. Everyone was so cheerful and energetic and loud! Ben wasn't quite as thrilled as I was about the loudness -- but with me, it reminded me so much of being in Paula and Spencer's house -- when you have a group, you gotta pretty much shout to get heard, and everyone talks over each other and nobody gets offended! Oh my gosh I love that, I lovelovelove it. You'll have three conversations going on at once, and then everyone will listen to one person for a minute, and then it splits into several conversations again. It's just so free!

And it was quite a mixed group -- a single mom, three couples with kids, one couple with a new baby, and then us and another newlywed older couple who were also trying out the group for the first time. Everyone except Ben, myself, and the couple with the new baby was black. I really clicked with Veronica and Najla, though I'm a little intimidated by Najla 'cause she's SO bold. And she has teenage kids, so I feel like we probably have little in common. But I'm pretty sure we're going to stay in this group, it felt like family immediately. Especially with the oldest woman -- she was the one who invited us in the first place, and she's very motherly. It made me so happy to FINALLY find a group I'd actually want to bond with.

And afterwards we walked to the front and saw the Wynnes! My heart did a backflip and I ran up and hugged Paula, who was happy to see me. She had a baby on her hip, but even though the baby looked a lot like Spencer I couldn't recognize her as Risa! She's a year old now, and I've only seen her a handful of times. Spencer handed me his phone and told me to put my number in, so I did, but while I was doing that Paula left to change Risa's diaper, and I didn't even greet her... Still, I was just so happy to see them! I asked about William and Spencer said that he won the National Championship in track, doing hurdles -- I don't remember specifically what, but apparently he's assured scholarships now. I'm so proud of my little brother. ;-)

As we were walking away, I thought to myself, 'hey, maybe I actually won't cry this time, I just feel happy.' Then of course I realized that I didn't even say hi to Risa when I desperately want to hold her... and I started crying. Why is there still so much pain in my heart over that? I really don't understand it... It just hurts so much to not be a part of their lives. So much, still, a year later... it doesn't hurt any less, I just think about them less... I miss them so much. When will I be able to let them go? I thought I had gotten better.

When I said that my day (saturday) was life-changing, I meant it, I wasn't being flippant. Okay, long day, lots of spirit changes -- first at counseling, then bellydancing, then church.

At counseling, Patricia and I started by picking apart the dream that I had after the last session, about three different houses, the open, breezy, beautiful one where I was naked and open and utterly content in my hispanic family; the house I lived in with my parents where ALL the memories pretend to be, even if they happened at a different time; and the skeleton of a house with an evil foundation. ( ... ) She explained that not all the parts of me want what I want. Some parts hate the fact that I didn't die (and still want to die), some parts hate God, some parts refuse to enjoy life, etc. And she said that God has given me authority over all parts of me, and I need to take authority and use it. So she gave me a thing to say, not a prayer or a mantra but similar, where I take authority over all parts of me and command the parts that don't know God to be silent and not interfere in my life. It's not a permanent solution, just something to keep me from warring against myself until I am one person. I said it, you know, but I didn't expect much of a result.

We also talked about my wish for parents ( ... )

Then I went to bellydancing, and oh-my-gosh. There was such a huge difference in my body's ability to connect with my spirit/mind. I mean, last time was horrible, I could see and comprehend but could not do. And part of it was this time I gave myself permission to fail, permission to not do it perfectly the first time -- but the huge difference was because of taking authority over myself. There was part of me that interfered with everything I did, and that part was forced to be quiet and stop blocking my dance. This time I danced in the in-between times, totally not caring if I was doing it wrong or if the other girls were looking. My body, my spirit, was so much more free, so much more alive.

And after that I went to church, and PJ gave an awesome sermon -- my favorite part was when he validated my feelings and current goal in life -- transparency. He said, point-blank, that transparency is something we should all strive for. That privacy is not something we should strive to protect. I was so excited, I clapped and cheered (no, I ain't kidding -- in my church nobody turns and looks at you funny if you do stuff like that). I think I was the only one thrilled with that declaration, though. Even the other "high I's" (extroverted hyper personality type) just kinda took it in -- but then I wasn't really paying attention to everyone else, so maybe some others were excited too. I'm so sick of the religious mindset that we're all supposed to hide most of ourselves and only share the 10% that we think others will consider 'worthy.' I'm delighted with PJ for saying otherwise.

I am strong, I am beautiful, I am true.

When I said that my day (saturday) was life-changing, I meant it, I wasn't being flippant. Okay, long day, lots of spirit changes -- first at counseling, then bellydancing, then church.

At counseling, Patricia and I started by picking apart the dream that I had after the last session, about three different houses, the open, breezy, beautiful one where I was naked and open and utterly content in my hispanic family; the house I lived in with my parents where ALL the memories pretend to be, even if they happened at a different time; and the skeleton of a house with an evil foundation. ( ... ) She explained that not all the parts of me want what I want. Some parts hate the fact that I didn't die (and still want to die), some parts hate God, some parts refuse to enjoy life, etc. And she said that God has given me authority over all parts of me, and I need to take authority and use it. So she gave me a thing to say, not a prayer or a mantra but similar, where I take authority over all parts of me and command the parts that don't know God to be silent and not interfere in my life. It's not a permanent solution, just something to keep me from warring against myself until I am one person. I said it, you know, but I didn't expect much of a result.

We also talked about my wish for parents ( ... )

Then I went to bellydancing, and oh-my-gosh. There was such a huge difference in my body's ability to connect with my spirit/mind. I mean, last time was horrible, I could see and comprehend but could not do. And part of it was this time I gave myself permission to fail, permission to not do it perfectly the first time -- but the huge difference was because of taking authority over myself. There was part of me that interfered with everything I did, and that part was forced to be quiet and stop blocking my dance. This time I danced in the in-between times, totally not caring if I was doing it wrong or if the other girls were looking. My body, my spirit, was so much more free, so much more alive.

And after that I went to church, and PJ gave an awesome sermon -- my favorite part was when he validated my feelings and current goal in life -- transparency. He said, point-blank, that transparency is something we should all strive for. That privacy is not something we should strive to protect. I was so excited, I clapped and cheered (no, I ain't kidding -- in my church nobody turns and looks at you funny if you do stuff like that). I think I was the only one thrilled with that declaration, though. Even the other "high I's" (extroverted hyper personality type) just kinda took it in -- but then I wasn't really paying attention to everyone else, so maybe some others were excited too. I'm so sick of the religious mindset that we're all supposed to hide most of ourselves and only share the 10% that we think others will consider 'worthy.' I'm delighted with PJ for saying otherwise.

I am strong, I am beautiful, I am true.

Sylvia broke down friday... but Sheridan is working for right now, and will continue working at least until we get Sylvia completely checked out (I think it's merely that the spark plugs are dirty, 'cause 2 people have suggested that, and the area where the spark plugs are is dirty. But we'll find out, I trust these people). I miss my car so much... Yeah, I'm attached to my car... and she needs a bath. And I need to replace the band stickers on the back, which means I have to make some.

I've been seriously considering buying more icons.

I talked to my dad on friday. He complained that I have not comforted the family. I told him that I'm not their parent and that's not my job; I've offered the help I have in the form of advice. Had my mind been working quickly enough I would have told him that it was their job to comfort me, and they'd been doing a damn lousy job the past 21 years -- no, make that 17 years, they did a decent job the first four, as far as I can remember. .......He wants me to tell him that he did the right thing, that it's all okay and he can just sweep it back under the rug and forget about it, that he doesn't need to stress. But guess what? He did the wrong thing, very wrong, and I'm sick of listening to him try to justify it, it isn't okay, and he can't sweep it under the rug. It is true that he doesn't need to stress about it, but he doesn't listen when I tell him that. He told me he was feeling suicidal for a while -- I'd care, but I don't think he's quite that irresponsible, and hopefully I've cast enough doubt that I'll step into his shoes for him not to rely on me to do his job. I'm NOT going to go back into the role of taking care of two adults and their two children. No matter how much guilt he tries to lay on me. He ought to be trying to find out how I feel and offer me support, not whine about how I'm not being supportive. This is ridiculous.

I've been making tons of double-pair earrings -- on Wednesday I can start wearing them! Yay!

And yeah, Helen was in the delivery room when Risa was born. So was June, who Paula said she didn't want in the room. And Katrina, who Paula doesn't like, knew about the birth and held Risa before I did. Me? Oh, I'm just the bitter little white girl. Unfortunately, I have been bitter about it, but I can't confront Paula because of her unstable blood pressure and the baby... so I feel trapped. And bitter. And angry. And betrayed. And lied to.
I want to say, "Paula, I don't know why the truth is such an expensive commodity for you, but you'd think that after all the honesty I've given you you could spare a little change for me. Nope. You deceived me into thinking that I was welcome and appreciated, and then deliberately cut me out of the fourth most significant event in your life, while allowing people with whom you have mutual apathy to have that place. If you put people you don't really like above me, then all the times you said 'I love you' must be worthless lies. You don't put people you don't like above people you love. You played nice and used me, then cast me aside when you were done."


I still don't have a prayer/bible study partner for the fast -- hopefully I'll find one at church tonight. A miraculously not-distractable non-procrastinator who still doesn't have a partner, hah hah. I've been doing well though -- reading the bible has been interesting lately. I've been finding verses that speak to me, and even more fun, finding verses that seem to confirm a new theory of mine. (I'll post about that when I have it a bit more developed)

Sylvia broke down friday... but Sheridan is working for right now, and will continue working at least until we get Sylvia completely checked out (I think it's merely that the spark plugs are dirty, 'cause 2 people have suggested that, and the area where the spark plugs are is dirty. But we'll find out, I trust these people). I miss my car so much... Yeah, I'm attached to my car... and she needs a bath. And I need to replace the band stickers on the back, which means I have to make some.

I've been seriously considering buying more icons.

I talked to my dad on friday. He complained that I have not comforted the family. I told him that I'm not their parent and that's not my job; I've offered the help I have in the form of advice. Had my mind been working quickly enough I would have told him that it was their job to comfort me, and they'd been doing a damn lousy job the past 21 years -- no, make that 17 years, they did a decent job the first four, as far as I can remember. .......He wants me to tell him that he did the right thing, that it's all okay and he can just sweep it back under the rug and forget about it, that he doesn't need to stress. But guess what? He did the wrong thing, very wrong, and I'm sick of listening to him try to justify it, it isn't okay, and he can't sweep it under the rug. It is true that he doesn't need to stress about it, but he doesn't listen when I tell him that. He told me he was feeling suicidal for a while -- I'd care, but I don't think he's quite that irresponsible, and hopefully I've cast enough doubt that I'll step into his shoes for him not to rely on me to do his job. I'm NOT going to go back into the role of taking care of two adults and their two children. No matter how much guilt he tries to lay on me. He ought to be trying to find out how I feel and offer me support, not whine about how I'm not being supportive. This is ridiculous.

I've been making tons of double-pair earrings -- on Wednesday I can start wearing them! Yay!

And yeah, Helen was in the delivery room when Risa was born. So was June, who Paula said she didn't want in the room. And Katrina, who Paula doesn't like, knew about the birth and held Risa before I did. Me? Oh, I'm just the bitter little white girl. Unfortunately, I have been bitter about it, but I can't confront Paula because of her unstable blood pressure and the baby... so I feel trapped. And bitter. And angry. And betrayed. And lied to.
I want to say, "Paula, I don't know why the truth is such an expensive commodity for you, but you'd think that after all the honesty I've given you you could spare a little change for me. Nope. You deceived me into thinking that I was welcome and appreciated, and then deliberately cut me out of the fourth most significant event in your life, while allowing people with whom you have mutual apathy to have that place. If you put people you don't really like above me, then all the times you said 'I love you' must be worthless lies. You don't put people you don't like above people you love. You played nice and used me, then cast me aside when you were done."


I still don't have a prayer/bible study partner for the fast -- hopefully I'll find one at church tonight. A miraculously not-distractable non-procrastinator who still doesn't have a partner, hah hah. I've been doing well though -- reading the bible has been interesting lately. I've been finding verses that speak to me, and even more fun, finding verses that seem to confirm a new theory of mine. (I'll post about that when I have it a bit more developed)

The weirdest thing about being a white person seeing only black people every day is: when I look in the mirror it freaks me out a little. On first glance my mind says "Wow she's colorless and bland." (But I've always thought that dark skin (not tanned) was more beautiful than pale skin.) It started making me a little self-conscious, in fact... but I'm over it now.


Wilson Kulaba, a pastor from Uganda, spoke at Liberty the past two weeks... we are such a boring crowd for him. He's used to people that holler amen and hallelujah after his every phrase -- I have so much fun when he preaches 'cause I can actually respond when I like something. Last week there was a lady sitting behind me who got into it too -- which made it easier for me to be myself. I love somewhat-boisterous people!

Anyway, when Apostle Kulaba preached, it really awakened something in me. The first week he was talking about following the dreams God lays in your heart, which really built me up (since I had been feeling a nudging by God to accept my dreams as my future, not just 'something that might happen'). I can't explain exactly why or how -- it was like my faith had been growing subconsciously and finally hit a conscious level. Part of it was simply his example -- I need to see someone who has stronger faith than me, and I need to hear (from another human) that God IS all-powerful. So many American churches make God out to be a wimp. "Oh, yeah, follow your calling -- but get a degree first in case it doesn't work out, and get a good job to fall back on." That's not 'wisdom' -- if God has said it will happen and you're saying "but what if," that is simply doubt. And I'm sick of this American mindset that if it's not easy, it's bad. And the "American christianity" mindset that if it's not easy, it's not GOD. Excuse me? Where is that in the Bible, I'd like to know! Apostle Kulaba is an example of a man who believed God, went through troubles, and finally ended up exactly where God said he would be. It was just sooooooooo encouraging to me.

And for the record, I do want to go to college, but not so I can have a career. I'd be perfectly happy making just enough to get by for the rest of my life. Any difficulties I have will develop me further and will develop my relationship with God further, and that is the important thing.


My biofather called the other day and told me that over the past few years he has realized that I have more faith than he does. Quite an admission from a man who, on being asked his opinion of me, said simply, "You're irresponsible, selfish, and inconsiderate." But he's changed a lot lately.

The weirdest thing about being a white person seeing only black people every day is: when I look in the mirror it freaks me out a little. On first glance my mind says "Wow she's colorless and bland." (But I've always thought that dark skin (not tanned) was more beautiful than pale skin.) It started making me a little self-conscious, in fact... but I'm over it now.


Wilson Kulaba, a pastor from Uganda, spoke at Liberty the past two weeks... we are such a boring crowd for him. He's used to people that holler amen and hallelujah after his every phrase -- I have so much fun when he preaches 'cause I can actually respond when I like something. Last week there was a lady sitting behind me who got into it too -- which made it easier for me to be myself. I love somewhat-boisterous people!

Anyway, when Apostle Kulaba preached, it really awakened something in me. The first week he was talking about following the dreams God lays in your heart, which really built me up (since I had been feeling a nudging by God to accept my dreams as my future, not just 'something that might happen'). I can't explain exactly why or how -- it was like my faith had been growing subconsciously and finally hit a conscious level. Part of it was simply his example -- I need to see someone who has stronger faith than me, and I need to hear (from another human) that God IS all-powerful. So many American churches make God out to be a wimp. "Oh, yeah, follow your calling -- but get a degree first in case it doesn't work out, and get a good job to fall back on." That's not 'wisdom' -- if God has said it will happen and you're saying "but what if," that is simply doubt. And I'm sick of this American mindset that if it's not easy, it's bad. And the "American christianity" mindset that if it's not easy, it's not GOD. Excuse me? Where is that in the Bible, I'd like to know! Apostle Kulaba is an example of a man who believed God, went through troubles, and finally ended up exactly where God said he would be. It was just sooooooooo encouraging to me.

And for the record, I do want to go to college, but not so I can have a career. I'd be perfectly happy making just enough to get by for the rest of my life. Any difficulties I have will develop me further and will develop my relationship with God further, and that is the important thing.


My biofather called the other day and told me that over the past few years he has realized that I have more faith than he does. Quite an admission from a man who, on being asked his opinion of me, said simply, "You're irresponsible, selfish, and inconsiderate." But he's changed a lot lately.

I was in a church building, and the service had just ended. This 40-something lady asked me to pray for her daughter, who was my age. The girl was naked and crying, so I sat between the pews on the floor and held her and rocked her and prayed for her. I was very careful not to touch her in any way that could be construed as sexual, but I petted her back and lower legs and arms while I held and rocked her. For some reason Pastor John was watching, and he didn't say anything, just looked at me, and I could feel his suspicion (which is out of character for him -- I've never seen him be suspicious), and it made me doubt myself. So after I finished praying for the girl and left, I started wondering about myself. Wondering if I had had subconscious sexual attraction to this girl... and then the scene switched, and I was with a lot of other girls, taking care of a bunch of kids. I found myself very attracted to some of the other girls (who were my age). So. dunno.

I was in a church building, and the service had just ended. This 40-something lady asked me to pray for her daughter, who was my age. The girl was naked and crying, so I sat between the pews on the floor and held her and rocked her and prayed for her. I was very careful not to touch her in any way that could be construed as sexual, but I petted her back and lower legs and arms while I held and rocked her. For some reason Pastor John was watching, and he didn't say anything, just looked at me, and I could feel his suspicion (which is out of character for him -- I've never seen him be suspicious), and it made me doubt myself. So after I finished praying for the girl and left, I started wondering about myself. Wondering if I had had subconscious sexual attraction to this girl... and then the scene switched, and I was with a lot of other girls, taking care of a bunch of kids. I found myself very attracted to some of the other girls (who were my age). So. dunno.