yesterday Hannah and I had this amazing conversation... We had never really talked about the stuff that happened during her visit, and somehow the topic came up. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with all of this pain which I had tried to explain away, but which of course had never really been dealt with. I felt so terrified and despairing, seeing all of these blocks between us that seemed impossible to remove. We discussed it and realized that one of the biggest hurts for me was caused by a misunderstanding: one simple word which we both understood to mean something completely different. Realizing this was such a huge relief, such a huge step towards closing the gap between us. Before this conversation, I was closing my eyes and taking a leap of faith in planning to visit her; now I'm still taking a leap of faith, but I have opened my eyes and caught a glimpse of where I will land. I feel very encouraged and much more sure that this is the right choice.

Next time I'm clashing with someone, I very much hope I remember to check definitions -- language is such a clumsy thing. The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. -- Mark Twain

yesterday Hannah and I had this amazing conversation... We had never really talked about the stuff that happened during her visit, and somehow the topic came up. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with all of this pain which I had tried to explain away, but which of course had never really been dealt with. I felt so terrified and despairing, seeing all of these blocks between us that seemed impossible to remove. We discussed it and realized that one of the biggest hurts for me was caused by a misunderstanding: one simple word which we both understood to mean something completely different. Realizing this was such a huge relief, such a huge step towards closing the gap between us. Before this conversation, I was closing my eyes and taking a leap of faith in planning to visit her; now I'm still taking a leap of faith, but I have opened my eyes and caught a glimpse of where I will land. I feel very encouraged and much more sure that this is the right choice.

Next time I'm clashing with someone, I very much hope I remember to check definitions -- language is such a clumsy thing. The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. -- Mark Twain

yesterday Hannah and I had this amazing conversation... We had never really talked about the stuff that happened during her visit, and somehow the topic came up. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with all of this pain which I had tried to explain away, but which of course had never really been dealt with. I felt so terrified and despairing, seeing all of these blocks between us that seemed impossible to remove. We discussed it and realized that one of the biggest hurts for me was caused by a misunderstanding: one simple word which we both understood to mean something completely different. Realizing this was such a huge relief, such a huge step towards closing the gap between us. Before this conversation, I was closing my eyes and taking a leap of faith in planning to visit her; now I'm still taking a leap of faith, but I have opened my eyes and caught a glimpse of where I will land. I feel very encouraged and much more sure that this is the right choice.

Next time I'm clashing with someone, I very much hope I remember to check definitions -- language is such a clumsy thing. The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. -- Mark Twain

I've just looked over my journal and my last really personal verbal post was over a month ago. I like posting rants and photos and etc. but I don't feel like I am really journaling unless I have some personal words in there. I'm sick of being blocked! So here goes, this'll probably be all over the place.

Hannah and I are in a limbo-place in our relationship right now. Over the visit we did a lot of talking and realized that our relationship had gone rusty from lack of communication, and it was no longer a soulfriendship, though it was still a deep friendship. We discussed whether or not to try to build back up to a soulfriendship, but didn't come to any real conclusion. Since then we've exchanged some emails, but they've been sparse and inconclusive. Right now I don't know what is going to happen at all -- it could be that we reconnect and build something even more beautiful than before, and it could be that the relationship is over, or that we go to a casual friendship. Neither of us is angry (I don't think) but there is a lot of hurt... I want to discuss my feelings more in depth but I want to hear back from her first. I feel like I'm in a vacuum emotionally on this, because I don't have happiness with her, but I can't mourn either because it may not be over. If it is... I don't even know what will happen inside me.

I think I may have lost touch with Meliae, which is really horrible. I hadn't posted much about her, just a mention here and there, but she was really important to me. She understood me in ways no one else ever has, taught me so much and opened my mind so much, so gently. I only met her this year, and we didn't have much time to get to know each other -- she had four huge research papers to write the first few months I knew her, and then she was moving, going on a cross-country trip, and preparing to go to school in Spain the next semester -- but the bits of time that we did have were just amazing. Then she visited the states, we talked once on the phone and discussed meeting up while she was here, and then I lost touch, almost 2 months ago. With all the moving and changing numbers/addresses, I have no idea how to get in contact with her. And I feel sad about that, but I'm kinda in an emotional vacuum on that too because there's no 'end.'

And SabR and Kazi... I'm afraid to contact them, afraid to NOT contact them, so I end up trying to avoid thinking about it, not knowing whether or not it's okay for me to comment on their posts, not wanting to talk in real time because I'm afraid they'll be angry at me. I'm such a fucking wimp when I feel like I've wronged someone. SabR said she wanted to get in contact, so I told them my availability and asked for theirs, now my fear will just have to shut up.

I've been off of g-talk for months now, first for Hannah's visit and then because I had so much in me that I was afraid to let out. I have missed talking to Kenzy -- she and I used to talk all the time. And I miss Kat, but not as much because we stay in contact other ways. ♥ Thank God/dess for Kat and Nea, who've kept on reaching out to seemingly-ungrateful, unresponsive me. *deep sigh* I can't even express how much your concern and love has meant. *lovelove* And many thanks to the others of you who have kept me connected with the world with your beautiful inspiring posts.

And thank God/dess for my beautiful partner, who becomes more expressive and open and honest with every single day. Who always wants to be there for me, even if sometimes he just can't. God/dess, he's incredible. He's growing so much, all the time. When he first started on this path a few months ago, I didn't think it would last, but now I believe in him. ♥

Right now I'm in such a dark place -- not continuously, but overall. I keep going to sleep just to escape, very little holds my interest. I just want to be distracted. and yet! at the same time, I feel this is a time of learning for me. Not growth, but learning in preparation for growth. I'm learning mostly from you beautiful people, and I'm also learning more of myself. A beautiful part of me is finally blossoming, despite the darkness. Maybe it's a nightbloom...

I feel like strong change is coming, and oh, do I welcome it. I need it.

I've just looked over my journal and my last really personal verbal post was over a month ago. I like posting rants and photos and etc. but I don't feel like I am really journaling unless I have some personal words in there. I'm sick of being blocked! So here goes, this'll probably be all over the place.

Hannah and I are in a limbo-place in our relationship right now. Over the visit we did a lot of talking and realized that our relationship had gone rusty from lack of communication, and it was no longer a soulfriendship, though it was still a deep friendship. We discussed whether or not to try to build back up to a soulfriendship, but didn't come to any real conclusion. Since then we've exchanged some emails, but they've been sparse and inconclusive. Right now I don't know what is going to happen at all -- it could be that we reconnect and build something even more beautiful than before, and it could be that the relationship is over, or that we go to a casual friendship. Neither of us is angry (I don't think) but there is a lot of hurt... I want to discuss my feelings more in depth but I want to hear back from her first. I feel like I'm in a vacuum emotionally on this, because I don't have happiness with her, but I can't mourn either because it may not be over. If it is... I don't even know what will happen inside me.

I think I may have lost touch with Meliae, which is really horrible. I hadn't posted much about her, just a mention here and there, but she was really important to me. She understood me in ways no one else ever has, taught me so much and opened my mind so much, so gently. I only met her this year, and we didn't have much time to get to know each other -- she had four huge research papers to write the first few months I knew her, and then she was moving, going on a cross-country trip, and preparing to go to school in Spain the next semester -- but the bits of time that we did have were just amazing. Then she visited the states, we talked once on the phone and discussed meeting up while she was here, and then I lost touch, almost 2 months ago. With all the moving and changing numbers/addresses, I have no idea how to get in contact with her. And I feel sad about that, but I'm kinda in an emotional vacuum on that too because there's no 'end.'

And SabR and Kazi... I'm afraid to contact them, afraid to NOT contact them, so I end up trying to avoid thinking about it, not knowing whether or not it's okay for me to comment on their posts, not wanting to talk in real time because I'm afraid they'll be angry at me. I'm such a fucking wimp when I feel like I've wronged someone. SabR said she wanted to get in contact, so I told them my availability and asked for theirs, now my fear will just have to shut up.

I've been off of g-talk for months now, first for Hannah's visit and then because I had so much in me that I was afraid to let out. I have missed talking to Kenzy -- she and I used to talk all the time. And I miss Kat, but not as much because we stay in contact other ways. ♥ Thank God/dess for Kat and Nea, who've kept on reaching out to seemingly-ungrateful, unresponsive me. *deep sigh* I can't even express how much your concern and love has meant. *lovelove* And many thanks to the others of you who have kept me connected with the world with your beautiful inspiring posts.

And thank God/dess for my beautiful partner, who becomes more expressive and open and honest with every single day. Who always wants to be there for me, even if sometimes he just can't. God/dess, he's incredible. He's growing so much, all the time. When he first started on this path a few months ago, I didn't think it would last, but now I believe in him. ♥

Right now I'm in such a dark place -- not continuously, but overall. I keep going to sleep just to escape, very little holds my interest. I just want to be distracted. and yet! at the same time, I feel this is a time of learning for me. Not growth, but learning in preparation for growth. I'm learning mostly from you beautiful people, and I'm also learning more of myself. A beautiful part of me is finally blossoming, despite the darkness. Maybe it's a nightbloom...

I feel like strong change is coming, and oh, do I welcome it. I need it.

I've just looked over my journal and my last really personal verbal post was over a month ago. I like posting rants and photos and etc. but I don't feel like I am really journaling unless I have some personal words in there. I'm sick of being blocked! So here goes, this'll probably be all over the place.

Hannah and I are in a limbo-place in our relationship right now. Over the visit we did a lot of talking and realized that our relationship had gone rusty from lack of communication, and it was no longer a soulfriendship, though it was still a deep friendship. We discussed whether or not to try to build back up to a soulfriendship, but didn't come to any real conclusion. Since then we've exchanged some emails, but they've been sparse and inconclusive. Right now I don't know what is going to happen at all -- it could be that we reconnect and build something even more beautiful than before, and it could be that the relationship is over, or that we go to a casual friendship. Neither of us is angry (I don't think) but there is a lot of hurt... I want to discuss my feelings more in depth but I want to hear back from her first. I feel like I'm in a vacuum emotionally on this, because I don't have happiness with her, but I can't mourn either because it may not be over. If it is... I don't even know what will happen inside me.

I think I may have lost touch with Meliae, which is really horrible. I hadn't posted much about her, just a mention here and there, but she was really important to me. She understood me in ways no one else ever has, taught me so much and opened my mind so much, so gently. I only met her this year, and we didn't have much time to get to know each other -- she had four huge research papers to write the first few months I knew her, and then she was moving, going on a cross-country trip, and preparing to go to school in Spain the next semester -- but the bits of time that we did have were just amazing. Then she visited the states, we talked once on the phone and discussed meeting up while she was here, and then I lost touch, almost 2 months ago. With all the moving and changing numbers/addresses, I have no idea how to get in contact with her. And I feel sad about that, but I'm kinda in an emotional vacuum on that too because there's no 'end.'

And SabR and Kazi... I'm afraid to contact them, afraid to NOT contact them, so I end up trying to avoid thinking about it, not knowing whether or not it's okay for me to comment on their posts, not wanting to talk in real time because I'm afraid they'll be angry at me. I'm such a fucking wimp when I feel like I've wronged someone. SabR said she wanted to get in contact, so I told them my availability and asked for theirs, now my fear will just have to shut up.

I've been off of g-talk for months now, first for Hannah's visit and then because I had so much in me that I was afraid to let out. I have missed talking to Kenzy -- she and I used to talk all the time. And I miss Kat, but not as much because we stay in contact other ways. ♥ Thank God/dess for Kat and Nea, who've kept on reaching out to seemingly-ungrateful, unresponsive me. *deep sigh* I can't even express how much your concern and love has meant. *lovelove* And many thanks to the others of you who have kept me connected with the world with your beautiful inspiring posts.

And thank God/dess for my beautiful partner, who becomes more expressive and open and honest with every single day. Who always wants to be there for me, even if sometimes he just can't. God/dess, he's incredible. He's growing so much, all the time. When he first started on this path a few months ago, I didn't think it would last, but now I believe in him. ♥

Right now I'm in such a dark place -- not continuously, but overall. I keep going to sleep just to escape, very little holds my interest. I just want to be distracted. and yet! at the same time, I feel this is a time of learning for me. Not growth, but learning in preparation for growth. I'm learning mostly from you beautiful people, and I'm also learning more of myself. A beautiful part of me is finally blossoming, despite the darkness. Maybe it's a nightbloom...

I feel like strong change is coming, and oh, do I welcome it. I need it.

I have so much to say... Meliae called me Wednesday and I must have talked nonstop for at least half an hour just summarizing all that has gone on! To uncork the bottle:

- my camera broke! :-( Halfway through the visit, it stopped going into shooting mode, and I left it alone for a while before replacing the batteries (it did that before on low battery), and when I finally put new batteries in it still didn't work. I've been without a camera for like three weeks now and it's really depressing. :-( For a long while now I've been carrying it everywhere, it's become a big part of my life and now it's gone... It's 3.5 years old, so it was its time I guess, but that doesn't make me feel better. Rest in peace, Spyder.
- Hannah's visit was by turns beautiful, horrible, exciting, dull, healing, & painful. She left early for several reasons, mainly because we just didn't have the energy to balance against each other for another 2 weeks. The visit was really draining, but really important, and very necessary. I have a loooooot to write about that, don't want to get started right now.
- Meeting Nick was awesome! I want to make a post about it so I'll save details for later.
- my partner and I have been working on our relationship, with huge steps forward... also deserves a post of its own!
- My parents have invited my partner and I to go on vacation with them and lil sis at the end of August and we've accepted. o.0
- I'm worried that I'm being frozen out by some friends who are really important to me, and I've been too wimpy so far to confront the issue.
- I'm sooooo disappointed that Meliae can only visit for 3 days. I had it in my head that she was going to stay a week (don't assume, Bel!) and now I'm sad... but still very happy that I get to meet her soon.
- Last Saturday I went to church for the first time in over a year! It was fantastic and I've been looking for churches to try. I went looking for GLBT inclusive ones and they all seemed too conservative -- wtf? it was like they thought they had to make up for their 'progressiveness' by having bland (to my taste) worship, wearing fancy clothes and having traditional-style preaching. But I found a few that seemed interesting enough to try.
- I spent ages today catching up on approving members to the curvygirls comm! finally caught up. I've been such a bad mod for the past month.

Hopefully I will be getting back into LJ f'real now. I didn't have time to do more than skim during the visit, so please give me links to any recent posts of yours that you think I'd find especially interesting or that you want my input on!

I have so much to say... Meliae called me Wednesday and I must have talked nonstop for at least half an hour just summarizing all that has gone on! To uncork the bottle:

- my camera broke! :-( Halfway through the visit, it stopped going into shooting mode, and I left it alone for a while before replacing the batteries (it did that before on low battery), and when I finally put new batteries in it still didn't work. I've been without a camera for like three weeks now and it's really depressing. :-( For a long while now I've been carrying it everywhere, it's become a big part of my life and now it's gone... It's 3.5 years old, so it was its time I guess, but that doesn't make me feel better. Rest in peace, Spyder.
- Hannah's visit was by turns beautiful, horrible, exciting, dull, healing, & painful. She left early for several reasons, mainly because we just didn't have the energy to balance against each other for another 2 weeks. The visit was really draining, but really important, and very necessary. I have a loooooot to write about that, don't want to get started right now.
- Meeting Nick was awesome! I want to make a post about it so I'll save details for later.
- my partner and I have been working on our relationship, with huge steps forward... also deserves a post of its own!
- My parents have invited my partner and I to go on vacation with them and lil sis at the end of August and we've accepted. o.0
- I'm worried that I'm being frozen out by some friends who are really important to me, and I've been too wimpy so far to confront the issue.
- I'm sooooo disappointed that Meliae can only visit for 3 days. I had it in my head that she was going to stay a week (don't assume, Bel!) and now I'm sad... but still very happy that I get to meet her soon.
- Last Saturday I went to church for the first time in over a year! It was fantastic and I've been looking for churches to try. I went looking for GLBT inclusive ones and they all seemed too conservative -- wtf? it was like they thought they had to make up for their 'progressiveness' by having bland (to my taste) worship, wearing fancy clothes and having traditional-style preaching. But I found a few that seemed interesting enough to try.
- I spent ages today catching up on approving members to the curvygirls comm! finally caught up. I've been such a bad mod for the past month.

Hopefully I will be getting back into LJ f'real now. I didn't have time to do more than skim during the visit, so please give me links to any recent posts of yours that you think I'd find especially interesting or that you want my input on!

I have so much to say... Meliae called me Wednesday and I must have talked nonstop for at least half an hour just summarizing all that has gone on! To uncork the bottle:

- my camera broke! :-( Halfway through the visit, it stopped going into shooting mode, and I left it alone for a while before replacing the batteries (it did that before on low battery), and when I finally put new batteries in it still didn't work. I've been without a camera for like three weeks now and it's really depressing. :-( For a long while now I've been carrying it everywhere, it's become a big part of my life and now it's gone... It's 3.5 years old, so it was its time I guess, but that doesn't make me feel better. Rest in peace, Spyder.
- Hannah's visit was by turns beautiful, horrible, exciting, dull, healing, & painful. She left early for several reasons, mainly because we just didn't have the energy to balance against each other for another 2 weeks. The visit was really draining, but really important, and very necessary. I have a loooooot to write about that, don't want to get started right now.
- Meeting Nick was awesome! I want to make a post about it so I'll save details for later.
- my partner and I have been working on our relationship, with huge steps forward... also deserves a post of its own!
- My parents have invited my partner and I to go on vacation with them and lil sis at the end of August and we've accepted. o.0
- I'm worried that I'm being frozen out by some friends who are really important to me, and I've been too wimpy so far to confront the issue.
- I'm sooooo disappointed that Meliae can only visit for 3 days. I had it in my head that she was going to stay a week (don't assume, Bel!) and now I'm sad... but still very happy that I get to meet her soon.
- Last Saturday I went to church for the first time in over a year! It was fantastic and I've been looking for churches to try. I went looking for GLBT inclusive ones and they all seemed too conservative -- wtf? it was like they thought they had to make up for their 'progressiveness' by having bland (to my taste) worship, wearing fancy clothes and having traditional-style preaching. But I found a few that seemed interesting enough to try.
- I spent ages today catching up on approving members to the curvygirls comm! finally caught up. I've been such a bad mod for the past month.

Hopefully I will be getting back into LJ f'real now. I didn't have time to do more than skim during the visit, so please give me links to any recent posts of yours that you think I'd find especially interesting or that you want my input on!

Right now, things are good with Hannah and I, but it has been a really hard battle -- it's like we have been tearing down walls that built themselves through distance and infrequent communication. We've had so many 'big conversations' this week -- really the same conversation, just digging into deeper levels each time. But the times between 'digging' are so magical, full of light and joy and laughter. We've taken so many insane videos *rolls eyes* (but because we are nudists most of them won't be hostable! ack!) and nearly 2,000 photos. (soon, my dears, sooooooon)

I've also been a terrible friend lately (including before Hannah got here), canceling plans with Kazi and Brian three times and canceling on SabR and Leslie too... I really feel dreadful about it. I abhor not keeping my word, and that's what I did... Kazi/Brian/SabR and I had a long chat about it a few nights ago and I think they're willing to forgive me but ugh, I can't get it out of my mind. And I hate that my various irrational fears have made it seem as if I don't want to see them, when I really deeply miss them. (and I wanted to meet Leslie) Also, FYI to LJ friends, please forgive my lack of commenting during the visit -- I'll still be reading but probably won't comment, and I may miss stuff. If there are any posts you'd especially like my input on, leave me the link and I will do my very best to respond as soon as possible.

I didn't realize how low on energy I am until this week -- things that would have been so easy for me are so hard now. Resting and connecting with Hannah helps, though, and I feel like my energy is slowly increasing.

because the icon and subject are depressed, but for the past day I've been happy:


(photo by Hannah)

Right now, things are good with Hannah and I, but it has been a really hard battle -- it's like we have been tearing down walls that built themselves through distance and infrequent communication. We've had so many 'big conversations' this week -- really the same conversation, just digging into deeper levels each time. But the times between 'digging' are so magical, full of light and joy and laughter. We've taken so many insane videos *rolls eyes* (but because we are nudists most of them won't be hostable! ack!) and nearly 2,000 photos. (soon, my dears, sooooooon)

I've also been a terrible friend lately (including before Hannah got here), canceling plans with Kazi and Brian three times and canceling on SabR and Leslie too... I really feel dreadful about it. I abhor not keeping my word, and that's what I did... Kazi/Brian/SabR and I had a long chat about it a few nights ago and I think they're willing to forgive me but ugh, I can't get it out of my mind. And I hate that my various irrational fears have made it seem as if I don't want to see them, when I really deeply miss them. (and I wanted to meet Leslie) Also, FYI to LJ friends, please forgive my lack of commenting during the visit -- I'll still be reading but probably won't comment, and I may miss stuff. If there are any posts you'd especially like my input on, leave me the link and I will do my very best to respond as soon as possible.

I didn't realize how low on energy I am until this week -- things that would have been so easy for me are so hard now. Resting and connecting with Hannah helps, though, and I feel like my energy is slowly increasing.

because the icon and subject are depressed, but for the past day I've been happy:


(photo by Hannah)

Right now, things are good with Hannah and I, but it has been a really hard battle -- it's like we have been tearing down walls that built themselves through distance and infrequent communication. We've had so many 'big conversations' this week -- really the same conversation, just digging into deeper levels each time. But the times between 'digging' are so magical, full of light and joy and laughter. We've taken so many insane videos *rolls eyes* (but because we are nudists most of them won't be hostable! ack!) and nearly 2,000 photos. (soon, my dears, sooooooon)

I've also been a terrible friend lately (including before Hannah got here), canceling plans with Kazi and Brian three times and canceling on SabR and Leslie too... I really feel dreadful about it. I abhor not keeping my word, and that's what I did... Kazi/Brian/SabR and I had a long chat about it a few nights ago and I think they're willing to forgive me but ugh, I can't get it out of my mind. And I hate that my various irrational fears have made it seem as if I don't want to see them, when I really deeply miss them. (and I wanted to meet Leslie) Also, FYI to LJ friends, please forgive my lack of commenting during the visit -- I'll still be reading but probably won't comment, and I may miss stuff. If there are any posts you'd especially like my input on, leave me the link and I will do my very best to respond as soon as possible.

I didn't realize how low on energy I am until this week -- things that would have been so easy for me are so hard now. Resting and connecting with Hannah helps, though, and I feel like my energy is slowly increasing.

because the icon and subject are depressed, but for the past day I've been happy:


(photo by Hannah)

life is beautiful ♥

so far we haven't kept many of our plans :-p but it's so delightfully nourishing just to be together. It's been so wonderful and exhausting (I had forgotten how we intensify each other!)... and the more we re-connect, the more magical everything becomes. *deep, contented sigh*

(have soooo many photos (and videos!) to post but must get Hannah & Ben's approval for ones with them. *makes faces*)

life is beautiful ♥

so far we haven't kept many of our plans :-p but it's so delightfully nourishing just to be together. It's been so wonderful and exhausting (I had forgotten how we intensify each other!)... and the more we re-connect, the more magical everything becomes. *deep, contented sigh*

(have soooo many photos (and videos!) to post but must get Hannah & Ben's approval for ones with them. *makes faces*)

life is beautiful ♥

so far we haven't kept many of our plans :-p but it's so delightfully nourishing just to be together. It's been so wonderful and exhausting (I had forgotten how we intensify each other!)... and the more we re-connect, the more magical everything becomes. *deep, contented sigh*

(have soooo many photos (and videos!) to post but must get Hannah & Ben's approval for ones with them. *makes faces*)

a moment to shriek with joy: I have a permanent account! Thank you soooooo much shioneh, clown_frog, rescoto, rosefox8, roina_arwen, broken_sodalite, spindell, lorelei_sakti, shadowlily, smurfb1ue, aubkabob, & wallbrat!!! And I bought it in the first 36 hours, so LJ donated $25 to RAINN out of the purchase. Out of YOUR donations really. :D

(skipping the first few days of Hannah's visit) We went out to see A Mighty Heart today (thoughts on that later), and as we left I noticed that Hannah was really quiet. I asked if she still wanted to go shopping and she said sure, so we headed over to the store. At one point I put my hand on her knee and she didn't respond at all, which is unusual, so instead of going straight to the store I pulled over into a nearby parking lot and asked her what was wrong.

She told me that she'd been feeling completely disconnected from me, and felt that I didn't care about her or the relationship, like I didn't even try to connect. After rambling for a bit (I felt that I had been trying my hardest, with the low amount of energy I have right now), I realized I had felt like she wasn't wanting to be communicative, and I felt like I had to just accept that. I had developed that mindset because for a while this year she wasn't able to connect with me, and there was nothing I could do about it, since I don't live in the same country. Even though that's not consciously something I would be okay with, I hadn't realized that I felt that way, so it hadn't changed. I also felt like I couldn't 'call her out' if I felt like she wasn't being open/honest, because I didn't want her to feel attacked. (and she felt that my lack of 'calling her out' was because I didn't truly care to hear her heart) So we talked about it a lot and she said that yes, she's sensitive, but it's okay for me to be direct, she appreciates that. And I changed the way I was thinking, and decided to operate in faith that she's okay with me challenging her. We both believe that's a big part of soulfriendship -- challenging each other to stretch and grow. This year hasn't been kind to us, nor to our relationship, but we're moving to the next stage.

Before that discussion, we'd been disconnected in such a way that I hardly even felt her presence -- since then, we re-opened our hearts to each other and I feel her presence -- the soothing, loving touch of her spirit brushing with mine. It's amazing... I just want to curl up into a teeny tiny ball and snuggle into her belly button.

---

A Mighty Heart was a wonderful movie... the cinematography could have been a hell of a lot better, but everything else was pretty amazing, and Angelina gave (in my opinion) the absolute best performance of her life. That woman inspires me so much ♥ and I am so grateful that she's making some 'real' movies again.

a moment to shriek with joy: I have a permanent account! Thank you soooooo much shioneh, clown_frog, rescoto, rosefox8, roina_arwen, broken_sodalite, spindell, lorelei_sakti, shadowlily, smurfb1ue, aubkabob, & wallbrat!!! And I bought it in the first 36 hours, so LJ donated $25 to RAINN out of the purchase. Out of YOUR donations really. :D

(skipping the first few days of Hannah's visit) We went out to see A Mighty Heart today (thoughts on that later), and as we left I noticed that Hannah was really quiet. I asked if she still wanted to go shopping and she said sure, so we headed over to the store. At one point I put my hand on her knee and she didn't respond at all, which is unusual, so instead of going straight to the store I pulled over into a nearby parking lot and asked her what was wrong.

She told me that she'd been feeling completely disconnected from me, and felt that I didn't care about her or the relationship, like I didn't even try to connect. After rambling for a bit (I felt that I had been trying my hardest, with the low amount of energy I have right now), I realized I had felt like she wasn't wanting to be communicative, and I felt like I had to just accept that. I had developed that mindset because for a while this year she wasn't able to connect with me, and there was nothing I could do about it, since I don't live in the same country. Even though that's not consciously something I would be okay with, I hadn't realized that I felt that way, so it hadn't changed. I also felt like I couldn't 'call her out' if I felt like she wasn't being open/honest, because I didn't want her to feel attacked. (and she felt that my lack of 'calling her out' was because I didn't truly care to hear her heart) So we talked about it a lot and she said that yes, she's sensitive, but it's okay for me to be direct, she appreciates that. And I changed the way I was thinking, and decided to operate in faith that she's okay with me challenging her. We both believe that's a big part of soulfriendship -- challenging each other to stretch and grow. This year hasn't been kind to us, nor to our relationship, but we're moving to the next stage.

Before that discussion, we'd been disconnected in such a way that I hardly even felt her presence -- since then, we re-opened our hearts to each other and I feel her presence -- the soothing, loving touch of her spirit brushing with mine. It's amazing... I just want to curl up into a teeny tiny ball and snuggle into her belly button.

---

A Mighty Heart was a wonderful movie... the cinematography could have been a hell of a lot better, but everything else was pretty amazing, and Angelina gave (in my opinion) the absolute best performance of her life. That woman inspires me so much ♥ and I am so grateful that she's making some 'real' movies again.

a moment to shriek with joy: I have a permanent account! Thank you soooooo much shioneh, clown_frog, rescoto, rosefox8, roina_arwen, broken_sodalite, spindell, lorelei_sakti, shadowlily, smurfb1ue, aubkabob, & wallbrat!!! And I bought it in the first 36 hours, so LJ donated $25 to RAINN out of the purchase. Out of YOUR donations really. :D

(skipping the first few days of Hannah's visit) We went out to see A Mighty Heart today (thoughts on that later), and as we left I noticed that Hannah was really quiet. I asked if she still wanted to go shopping and she said sure, so we headed over to the store. At one point I put my hand on her knee and she didn't respond at all, which is unusual, so instead of going straight to the store I pulled over into a nearby parking lot and asked her what was wrong.

She told me that she'd been feeling completely disconnected from me, and felt that I didn't care about her or the relationship, like I didn't even try to connect. After rambling for a bit (I felt that I had been trying my hardest, with the low amount of energy I have right now), I realized I had felt like she wasn't wanting to be communicative, and I felt like I had to just accept that. I had developed that mindset because for a while this year she wasn't able to connect with me, and there was nothing I could do about it, since I don't live in the same country. Even though that's not consciously something I would be okay with, I hadn't realized that I felt that way, so it hadn't changed. I also felt like I couldn't 'call her out' if I felt like she wasn't being open/honest, because I didn't want her to feel attacked. (and she felt that my lack of 'calling her out' was because I didn't truly care to hear her heart) So we talked about it a lot and she said that yes, she's sensitive, but it's okay for me to be direct, she appreciates that. And I changed the way I was thinking, and decided to operate in faith that she's okay with me challenging her. We both believe that's a big part of soulfriendship -- challenging each other to stretch and grow. This year hasn't been kind to us, nor to our relationship, but we're moving to the next stage.

Before that discussion, we'd been disconnected in such a way that I hardly even felt her presence -- since then, we re-opened our hearts to each other and I feel her presence -- the soothing, loving touch of her spirit brushing with mine. It's amazing... I just want to curl up into a teeny tiny ball and snuggle into her belly button.

---

A Mighty Heart was a wonderful movie... the cinematography could have been a hell of a lot better, but everything else was pretty amazing, and Angelina gave (in my opinion) the absolute best performance of her life. That woman inspires me so much ♥ and I am so grateful that she's making some 'real' movies again.

HANNAH IS COMING TO VISIT ME!!!

I can't believe this is happening, I am so in awe, I am so amazed, I am so flying to bits with adrenaline! AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! *shakes quakes* my hands are cold and my heart is racing, I can't fucking BELIEVE THIS!!!! *throws gold shoes* I keep making these strange coughy laughs because I'm in shock!

She is going to be here in a WEEK. we just bought the tickets, after months and months of hoping and wondering and waiting and yearning, omg, I'm actually going to see her. I'm going to SEE HER!!!!!!!!! I'm still in shock really, all this ecstasy is shock-reduced!!!

51 days of HANNAH AND BEL!!!

look at my tags just LOOK AT MY TAGS!!!!!!

HANNAH IS COMING TO VISIT ME!!!

I can't believe this is happening, I am so in awe, I am so amazed, I am so flying to bits with adrenaline! AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! *shakes quakes* my hands are cold and my heart is racing, I can't fucking BELIEVE THIS!!!! *throws gold shoes* I keep making these strange coughy laughs because I'm in shock!

She is going to be here in a WEEK. we just bought the tickets, after months and months of hoping and wondering and waiting and yearning, omg, I'm actually going to see her. I'm going to SEE HER!!!!!!!!! I'm still in shock really, all this ecstasy is shock-reduced!!!

51 days of HANNAH AND BEL!!!

look at my tags just LOOK AT MY TAGS!!!!!!

HANNAH IS COMING TO VISIT ME!!!

I can't believe this is happening, I am so in awe, I am so amazed, I am so flying to bits with adrenaline! AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! *shakes quakes* my hands are cold and my heart is racing, I can't fucking BELIEVE THIS!!!! *throws gold shoes* I keep making these strange coughy laughs because I'm in shock!

She is going to be here in a WEEK. we just bought the tickets, after months and months of hoping and wondering and waiting and yearning, omg, I'm actually going to see her. I'm going to SEE HER!!!!!!!!! I'm still in shock really, all this ecstasy is shock-reduced!!!

51 days of HANNAH AND BEL!!!

look at my tags just LOOK AT MY TAGS!!!!!!