When I was a kid learning about "art history" it bugged me that it was presented as an evolution, with newer stuff ever better than what came before. Now I know that's just a bald-faced lie invented to elevate and center art made by rich white cis men.

Realism is not the ultimate, best, or "most evolved" form of art. That is some shitted-up white-centric trash.

Art did not "evolve" as a whole. It only evolves within each individual person, in the sense that the more art you are exposed to and the more art you make, the more possibilities you can imagine for your own style and technique.

Note: When I say evolved here, I mean that in the connotation of "improved." The way that it was presented to me in school is that art from other times and cultures was like child scribbles, while art from modern, western, mainstream museums/galleries contained better ideas and better execution and better everything. The education I got presented it as a linear progression over time and put all stylized, non-representational, or "unrealistic" art as "primitive" which just HAPPENED to be most non-European art. /sarcasm

What are the parts of your identity that you have labels for? (list and then define)

Part 3: my heart and spirit parts.

How I understand the world and express myself (heart): these are parts of me that form my lens for understanding myself and my tools for expressing myself.

atheist / nontheist Quaker spiritualist

I'll work backwards on this one: I am a spiritualist because I believe in finding meaning in things that are objectively meaningless. If I find a perfectly heart-shaped rock, I choose to assign the meaning that I am on the right path and the universe is affirming me. If I find a phallus-shaped mushroom, I choose to assign the meaning that a benificent magical being is jokingly reminding me of a dream I had once. If I want to make a change in my life I will write a spell and chant it because when I do that, I get what I asked for -- I don't care how it works and I'm not gonna disbelieve in my own experience. I don't care if these meanings only exist for me.

I'm a Quaker because I believe that everyone has the ability to find truth and create meaning. I value the same things that Quakers do, particularly equality and community. I love that Quakers literally will put their bodies on the line for equality, and are careful to consider it in their organizing: it's not just lip service. I love that Quakers believe in consensus decision-making and reject the practice of outsourcing their responsibility to a leader, whether religious or political. I feel very nourished by the Quaker practice of unprogrammed communal worship/meditation with optional sharing (if someone has a realization which may be helpful to others).

Technically I believe in what I call gods, but what I think many would not. I believe in ideas as forces of their own, which are created by shared thought. Sometimes these ideas can feel very person-like and some people can interact with them in beneficial or harmful ways; I call these deities. Deliberate worship is the most effective way to make one but it can be done accidentally, and most often is. I think the flying spaghetti monster has been made pretty real, which is hilarious. Other accidentally-created gods are every person depicted on money, many military leaders, everyone who has had multiple biographies written about them (including and especially hitler), the victoria's secret angel (who people worship by torturing their own bodies) and infinite others, some living only for a few weeks.

I choose to worship certain deities that I resonate with, and I have had strange and wondrous things happen as a result. I don't care if I am making it up and it is not true for anyone else: it is true for me and I like it, so I retain it. Deity worship is not a pillar of my belief system but it is a very soft warm rug that I sometimes lay on.

So if I believe in gods, by my definition, why am I an atheist? This one evolved very recently - as in, after I started writing this post. I was talking with a friend about why they don't consider me a theist, and why atheism is an important perspective, and that made me realize something new to me. Previously when discussing this I got stuck on the fact that I don't think there is anything inherently wrong in believing in gods, but while that is true it doesn't mean there is no harm done. An appeal to authority reinforces all appealing to authority, which I do not want to do. Since I think that I both believe and don't believe in gods, I have a choice to make identity-wise and I choose the anti-authority identity. I'm not yet sure if non-theist or atheist is more true of me, so I will keep both for now.

energy-weaver

This relates to my spirituality: I sense idea-things in and on people that I can interact with if I choose to. Sometimes this is highly metaphysical; I might feel a string tied around someone's wrist or a shard in someone's energy center, when those don't exist in a visual reality. Sometimes it is more physical; I might feel static 'in' someone's head when they have a bad headache, or I might feel body parts that don't physically exist (one of my exes had dragon wings).

Weaving energy is when I do something like take the shard out of someone, or pet their wings. Some people can feel this when I do it, even when they have their eyes closed. People have told me that my energy weaving has eased their physical pain or soothed their emotional distress. One person thought I put a heated pad on them when it was just my hands. Another told me that I made a migraine go away at a point where medication usually would not work. An insomniac fell asleep as I worked on them. I haven't yet tried it on anyone who couldn't feel it, though it varies in effectiveness.

color/light worshipper

Light was my first word, and my first love. Color is an illusion created by the absorption of light, so I love it as an expression of light. I love light and color very much, and for me it ascends to worship because I make it a central aspect of how I design my space, clothe my body, and choose and customize my companion objects (like my water bottle and car). I also worship by creating art: light through photography and color through mixed media and digital art.

I also worship light through awed contemplation: I gaze at reflections and refractions of light, especially colored light. I love everything that glows in the dark. I love fairy lights and black lights and color-changey lights. I love everything that glows or shimmers, everything transparent and colorful. Glass connects to this because of the way it can hold light, cradle it, focus it, split it, direct it. I love all transparent glass and to a lesser extent translucent glass.

photographer

To me, a photographer is someone who documents life for the sake of memory and/or sharing truth or beauty. So people who take photos for money are not necessarily people that I would call photographers. I am not as much of a photographer now as I was years ago, but I am trying to be. I am more myself when I am a photographer.

jewelry maker

I've been making beaded jewelry since I was about 8, and making complex, unique jewelry since I was introduced to nylon-coated flexible wire at 19 (15 years ago). I haven't done much of it in the past 3 years, but I am still very passionate about it and I generally don't wear or gift jewelry that I didn't make. I've played a little with natural stone beads but glass is my medium of choice. I make necklaces designed with reflected symmetry, with shape as much of a player as color and texture. I make earrings of many types but my favorite involve making a wire shape from which strands or chains dangle: I call these "chandelier" style earrings.

digital/fractal artist

I have been using photoshop since about 2004; I am extremely good at photo editing and am skilled at graphic design as well. I fell in love with fractals after discovering them on deviantart, and began making them myself in 2012. I identify as a fractal artist because I feel that I have a distinctive style to my fractals and I feel that I can express myself in fractals more than I can in any other medium. I identify as a digital artist because most of my photos are digital as well as my fractals and I do post-work that is also digital.

coffee clergyperson

I used to call myself a coffee snob or coffee geek but clergyperson is definitely more accurate. I know a lot -- a LOT -- about coffee and I love it dearly. The preparation ritual adds to it for me, whether I make it myself or go to a temple and pay for service. I have worked at a number of coffee temples and I have my own shrines at home, at work, and at Topaz'.


Inherently me (spirit); these are aspects of me that I think would always exist -- aspects which come from the truest part of me, which have existed as long as I was cognizant and which have never changed, even though I might not have specifically identified with them in the past. Everything else about me comes from these parts.

curious questioner

I think the very most core trait of mine is curiosity -- even more than justice, even more than love. One of the few stories that my parents tell about me as a child is when someone was reading a book to me and I asked "what's that?" so many times that the person reading to me got impatient and just started telling me before I had a chance to ask again.

I question everything and everyone as much as I can. Anyone who knows me at all, if you asked "who (among those you know) is the questioner?" I would instantly come to mind. Being asked questions -- real, meaningful questions that only I can answer where the person is invested in the answer -- makes me feel more loved than almost anything else.

growth-seeker

This is a key part of my identity because it informs everything I do. I seek to grow and learn in every way I can, at every opportunity. I made a decision to consciously develop into a continuously better self 19 years ago and I have maintained my success. I don't have any particular aim, as long as I can always look at last year's self and notice improvement.

content creator

It took me a while to realize that most people don't do this. All my in-person friends were crafty and all my internet friends were writers and mostly artists too, so when I randomly met someone who didn't create at all, I thought they were the oddity. I've since been exposed to more normates and I would guess that at least the majority of USians don't create anything at all.

But content creating is something so necessary to who I am and who I have always been, even since a child, that I don't feel capable of relating to someone who does not create anything. I mean, even creating memes and putting rhinestones on your phone case counts to me. Writing reviews about media counts, making meals from random ingredients counts. Creating solo I can relate to in a distant way but I relate best to people who create content that is intended for sharing, like LJ posts or artwork that they share online and/or in person.

critical analyst

I analyze everything, both personally and academically. I'm really talented and skilled at using data analysis programs, and I have an intuitive understanding of statistics and surveying. I make spreadsheets for fun. I really love analytics. I also believe in critiquing media and human behavior, and I do both pretty much constantly. I don't really have the ability to turn this off, and I find it baffling (and very unappealing) that others just absorb and experience without analyzing.

writer

I am a writer because I am not whole when I don't write. Writing is something I do to understand myself, to keep from losing important parts of me into the dark tangles of my memory, and to help others understand me, as well as to teach and explain things. I have come to the conclusion that if someone doesn't like writing/reading or isn't comfortable with reading/writing, it will be almost impossible for us to maintain closeness because so much of me is lost if a person tries to separate me from my LJ. In any lifetime with this level of sentience, I feel sure I would want to use shared symbols to record things I think, feel, and learn.

CN/TW: anti-trans sentiment regarding use of public bathrooms.

I made an illustration:


[image: a graphic with words and symbols in three panels.
At the top is printed: "laws like North Carolina's HB 2 enforce inequality at the most basic level:"

The first panel has the words "what it's like for cisgender people:" and two black rectangles with peg-shaped people in them. The first rectangle contains a green peg-person, and underneath it in brackets are [your gender] and [welcome]. The second rectangle contains a black peg-person, and underneath it in brackets are [not your gender] and [irrelevant]. Below these is a line of text in quotes and italics that says, "We understand that you are a human with needs. Safe, comfortable relief provided free of charge."

The second panel has the words "what it's like for binary transgender people who pass:" and two black triangles with red-outlined yellow exclamation marks in them. Underneath the first triangle in brackets are [your gender] and [risk arrest]. Underneath the second triangle in brackets are [not your gender] and [risk harassment]. Below these is a line of text in quotes and italics that says, "Use at your own risk. Maybe nothing bad will happen."

The third panel has the words "what it's like for nonbinary or nonpassing transgender people:" and two black circles with a diagonal line (the 'no' symbol), covering the words "you" repeated in red. Underneath both in brackets are [KEEP OUT] and [risk arrest, harassment, assault]. Below these is a line of text in quotes and italics that says, "Go find a bush. We don't want your kind here."]



Also, it was Trans Day of Visibility yesterday, and my first thought was "oh everyone knows I'm trans." But maybe not, so let me tell you: I am an agender/genderfree trans person.

I am willing to be your token friend as an example to any transphobe you want to talk to about transness, assuming you are trying to help them relate. Lots of people are unaware that they know a trans person, and people are massively terrible at empathizing without a personal connection, which is why it is important that cis people realize that they know a trans person. Even a once-removed connection is more than most people realize they have. So if you are a cis person and someone says to you something like "lolz that person is bad at gender, look at their xyz!" You can say, "that might be the perfect gender expression for them; not everyone is the same. One of my friends is trans and I respect their right to throw out gender norms."

There is a steep learning curve for most people to be close with me because I am so different from the default in identity, values, and language.

( my identity has many facets )

( my values and qualities )

( I am careful with language )

This on top of the fact that most people have to learn a whole new set of words/concepts to even start to understand me: queer, trans, agender, polyamorous, demisexual, fat & proud, nudist. To understand these things you have to break down the idea that gender is a continuum from male to female or that gender is any set of discrete categories, the idea that there are only two sexes, the idea that you can only be attracted to one gender, the idea that everyone has a gender, the idea that true love is exclusive, the idea that sexual attraction happens by appearance, the idea that fat is bad, the idea that nudity is sexual or scandalous -- for starters.

( I'm invested in social justice and respond to injustice in every aspect of life )

( I have non-average needs in communication )

( I cherish art, I cherish creation )

( I build my own spirituality )

( I prioritize friendship )

I'm not an easy friend! but my friends have told me that I am trustworthy, compassionate, empathetic, generous, encouraging, insightful, creative, genuine, and growth-inspiring, so I think that I am worth the effort. Still, it's so much easier for someone to be comfortable with me if they are already careful with language and already self-educate on sex, gender, relationships, race, disability, etc.

What is a skill you've always wished to have, but don't? What had stopped you from pursuing it, or what stopped you from achieving it? (from here)

I always wanted to be able to do structured dance. First it was ballet, then modern dance, then bellydance that I wanted to learn. I took bellydance classes for a little while, but when my teacher (who gave me a discount) stopped teaching I couldn't find anyone who taught near enough and cheap enough. Eventually I stopped looking for a new teacher. I think I was also hindered by lack of someone to do it with - part of my success when I did take classes was that I had a friend taking them with me.

I've also always wanted to paint, blow glass, sculpt, and draw well. In these things also I have not learned due to lack of money, teacher, and classmate. I have self-taught some other skills, but with painting and sculpting, the cheap materials are so much harder to work with, and with glass there is a HUGE financial barrier, and with drawing... I think with drawing I just got discouraged and never found a thing that I needed to draw enough to work at it. I wanted to learn to make fractals from the first time I saw them, but it took me years to even try, and I began with a tutorial. After that I felt like I understood enough to start experimenting.

How would you define luck and would you consider yourself lucky relative to the society you live in?

I define luck as being on the good side of random chance. Most things have a lot of forces pushing them, but when those forces get balanced, it is random chance that decides which way they go. To be lucky is to have those chances fall in your favor. I think you can make this happen. In cases where only the tiniest bit of a push makes the choice, that tiny push can be something like your desire, your prayer, etc. I didn't believe in luck as a thing of itself until I saw a string of such ludicrously bad luck that I felt there must be such a thing, and I took some actions to try and break it and it seemed to help.

A lot of times people use 'lucky' instead of 'privileged' as in "I was lucky to be born white" but that is not luck, because being born white is not a factor of random chance - you had very little chance of having dark skin if both parents were white. Privilege is not luck because it is not random and it is not value-neutral (but privilege and luck can go hand-in-hand).

I consider myself fairly lucky in some respects; I have amazing thrifting luck, and I have had good luck finding amazing friends, and I have good luck with my car. I cultivate this luck by pushing into it with my will so that any time forces are balanced I push them over to my favor.

While embracing criticism and critical analysis, as well as optimism, describe how media has impacted your life. What benefits have you and do you take from media, and how does media hurt you? Focusing specifically on few different categories (treat each category as if I asked the question about it individually): a. journalism/written news (including your favorite news sources and something like Fox News written stories) b. TV/radio entertainment (music, shows, commentary on "news" channels); c. Art, social and mass communication media (films, music, email, LJ, Facebook). (from here)

Benefits and damages from journalism:
True journalism is vital to me because without knowing the truth about situations, we can't react in a meaningful way. Print news is damaging when it is owned by corporate conglomerates which cut out any fact-sharing that might harm profits. But print news is possibly the most trustworthy when it is small and locally-owned. As far as the direct impact on me, it affects how I understand events, which affects my behavior with regard to social justice. i would say this has had slightly more positive than negative impact on me.

Benefits and damages from tv/radio:
TV/radio have had almost nothing but negative effects on me. The ads are evil and ubiquitous, and most of what would be available on cable is toxic to watch. I don't really listen to the radio or watch tv. I watch netflix, in a very choosy fashion. Even that I consider to mostly have a neutral effect. Overall I would say that tv/radio is far more negative than positive.

Benefits and damages from art/socialmedia:
Art has had a profound and positive effect on me. I don't really know how to even explain it. It feels like such a part of life - when I absorb a piece of art it becomes part of the very fabric of my inner world and I am not the same person as before. This is especially true with feminist sci-fi/fantasy, with self-portraiture by self-aware honest people, with surrealism & symbolism, and with songs that especially resonate with me through sound or storytelling.

Social media is also such an integral part of my life that I cannot really explain how much it means. Most of the meaningful parts of my life have happened via social media - I'd say 80%. I can trust social media to give me facts I wouldn't get elsewhere. It's not as in-depth as print media but I wouldn't even be able to look for print media without social media pointing toward a thing I needed more info on.

Art & social media have had vastly more positive than negative impact on me.

Benefits and damages from books
This wasn't part of the original question but I wanted to add a quick bit about books. They've had the strongest impact of all on me. At least 8 (probably more like 13) books have been responsible for major turning points in my life - most of them non-fiction, but the fiction of Joan Slonczewski, Stephen Leigh, and a few others have had life-altering effects as well. I am grateful to have had access to the internet, which lead me to most of my life-altering reads, and of course to college, which lead me to the others. I can think of a few books I read that were significantly damaging, but they are a very small minority. Books have had a profoundly positive impact on my life, and almost no negative impact by comparison.

This Saturday Topaz and I had a tiny bonfire with Heather, Brian, Cass, Kelsey, and Elliott. It was really relaxing and nourishing. I often feel worried in social situations if I think someone is uncomfortable or unhappy, but I didn't take responsibility for anyone's happiness this time, and I didn't try to facilitate connections. I think I was able to do this partially because Topaz seemed mostly at ease, and quite enjoyed some parts. (Heather and I grinned gleefully at each other while overhearing Topaz and Brian talk about being bros) I got to cuddle with Cass and Heather at different times. I think there was just a lot of similarity in communication styles and that made it really easy. I want more of this in my life. I want to feel an ease and a balance like that with a local group.

---

I've decided to try to finish the prompts given to me ages ago. This one was from Topaz.

Has your interest and preference for art changed over the years? What sort of art styles and genres were you interested in as a child, teen, in your 20s, vs now?
Yes, by a lot! When I was a child and teen, I liked realistic paintings of the ocean and dragons. Christian Reece Lassen and Michael Whelan were my favorite artists.  Lassen painted hyperreal epics with orcas, dolphins, and many kinds of fish, with waves that looked like glass.  More than anything else I loved the light and the water and the way they were magic together (I wouldn't have minded if the animals weren't there). When Whelan created a website where I could actually see all their art, I realized that more than the dragons, I loved their symbolic art. There is this one painting of a child sitting next to a tiny square of grass in an otherwise totally concrete space, with light coming through a slim crack in the wall. Another is a woman wearing only a hooded sand-colored cloak, holding their arm out straight with a red ribbon hanging from their hand, at the end of which which is a translucent red heart. The most powerful one for me is the one of a figure in flowing white from neck to ankle, running and dancing along a thin yet dense ridge of deep green brush that waves back and forth. I'm just now realizing that this stuff is very white. My only irritation at the time was that everyone was thin, but I felt that the women weren't sexualized, which I liked.

Then I discovered body positivity and with it, a yearning to see art of bodies that looked like mine. Anders Zorn and Tamara de Lempicka were my favorites; Zorn I loved for the nudes in nature, and the soft curve of bellies with deep navels, and Lempicka I loved for the luxuriant abandon of their subjects, who sprawled as though a self-conscious feeling had never touched them. I also really liked a lot of artists that I now understand to have reified white supremacy through the production of beauty norms. Sad and gross. And I liked a lot of terribly appropriative 'native' art.

I also discovered portrait photography and became enchanted with many artists on deviantart who shared their beings through their faces and bodies, often nude. Clothing is most often a distraction, I feel, and I don't like it in art. I see it as the same as having brand names or fast food in the art. Sure, sometimes that is part of the meaning, but in general it just takes the person from immediacy and places them into a time and culture. I don't think it should be included unless it is relevant to the meaning of the piece.

Deviantart also showed me that art didn't have to be photorealistic or even proportional to be meaningful. Pupasoul (real name unknown) painted many symbolic pieces with figures clearly intended to represent humans, but without faces or hands or feet, and never in any skin tone. I loved them, and finally stopped being snobbish about realism.

Through deviantart i also discovered fractals, though i did not think that I could ever make them. My favorite was sideoutman, mostly because they created asymmetrical fractals which spoke to me far more than others. This was the first time I had ever felt drawn to abstract art, which I previously thought very little of.  When I began making my own fractal art, it became very important to me. I love my own fractals and I love the fractals of others.

Has your interest range become more specific or has it widened, or both? Why?
I would say that both are true - I love many more styles now, but I specifically dislike art which uncritically reproduces white supremacy and unfortunately, that's most of the stuff that exists that includes white people as subjects. I used to love photorealistic art and disdain everything else. Now, I prefer abstract, surreal, and symbolic art, though I still enjoy photorealistic if it has an actually interesting subject, and I do love photography, especially self-portraits and nature.

art:
a unique (not mass-produced) creation made as an aware expression of self or observation of that which is outside oneself. Awareness is necessary for art to be good; regurgitating societal norms without change or critique is not art, it's propaganda.

craft:
a unique (not mass-produced) creation made to be used in some practical manner. Some crafts are art, some are not.

I finally broke through! I finally feel like I am getting better after the heavy weight of stress in February with ALL the biofamily stuff and ALL the conflict and ALL the travel stress. Yesterday I just watched like... 6 hours of episodes of 4400 (which I deem a 4-star, worth watching twice but not worth owning) while making spiral cuff bracelets. Part of me still feels really frustrated at not getting enough done yesterday but overall, I have learned that watching a bunch of creative-but-not-informative media is really helpful for self-care. I kinda hate that that is the most effective thing, but oh well. I hope to do more crafting during it so I can feel more productive and good about it. My hands still are a little numb from 6 hours of crafting yesterday! I'm not sure if I should list the spiral cuffs on etsy or give them away. They look so simple and easy to make but they each took THREE HOURS. I hate that combination, especially with regards to pricing. The choice becomes, underpay myself or look like I'm being an overcharging shithead. I think I'll make them for donation sales (where I pay the fees for selling and then give all the rest to a non-profit). And if I make more I won't pattern the seed beads because GOOD GOD.

I can't remember if I have ever made bracelets before -- I can't wear most of them because I can't bear a closed circuit on my wrists. That has been true for probably... 7 years? and more recently I can't wear a closed circuit on my neck. (that hasn't always been true as you can see from the images of me wearing necklaces I made in this icon) I think it just fucks with my energy in some negative way, but it feels bad. I recently made a closed-circuit ritual necklace, thinking that if I made it really long it wouldn't have the same effect. I was right that it didn't feel bad, but it broke within two wearings and I took the hint and re-made it as one long strand, which I will wear by looping the ends together. So all this to say, I recently got memory wire (which is like a piece of slinky but thin round wire rather than thick flat wire) and tried working with it. I like the look of it, though the kind I got is too small for my wrists anyway. I'm going to try making one for myself when I get larger-coil memory wire. I like that the lack of closure means that it doesn't feel like it blocks or clogs my energy flow, and I think I could actually make spiral cuffs that felt energetically positive for me to wear.

Today I managed to follow up with my sole and beloved patreon donor, update my fractal gallery (forgive the ugly design: webs now forces me to use templates or pay), and follow up with someone who did a partial trade with me at the art swap. Speaking of which, my friend Jezza hosted an art swap last Saturday which I nervously attended with my freshly-framed prints. I didn't know anyone except Jezza and it was full of burners, so it felt like going to someone else's family gathering. I felt soooo awkward but in that peculiar way I do around burners, where I feel like an outsider but like I actually know the culture of interaction and can follow along (which is a fucking relief from most socializing and I just realized why Kylei loves burners so much despite the problematic stuff). I was really delighted that at least four people wanted to trade with me (and one person expressed strong desire to buy but then disappeared, I think they miiiight have been intoxicated), and especially excited that Jezza traded me one of their canvas-printed fractals for two of my smaller framed fractals! I really like their work but I would never have felt like I could justify the expense of buying one (much less on canvas), so this was just perfect, and I was so flattered that they were willing to trade for my work. I don't remember if I wrote about meeting Jezza -- they're a local person who friended me after finding me on OKC, and we met up for coffee once last month I think. I felt weirdly super awkward, I'm really not sure why, it may have been because it was so cold and we were outside, which feels both intimate and like we should be going somewhere. But despite feeling awkward we had a really cool conversation. I asked if they were okay with prying questions and they said yes and seemed to enjoy reflecting on the questions I asked (and I liked their answers, which tells me a lot). I like that kind of reaction. I feel like we could be good friends but I also feel this big culture gap that makes me nervous about making a mistake, extra-so because it is really fun to have a friend who also does fractal art! Still, so far it's just happy.

I got a used computer with a better CPU than mine to use as a dedicated fractal renderer, but it keeps crashing every time I try to use multithreading. I'm gonna delete and copy the programs and plugins directly from my main computer, and if that doesn't fix it I am going to try chaotica, a rendering program (which has a freeware version but for high-res I'd need to buy the full version). According to the internet, that computer should be able to run multithreading up to 4 (and my main can, so I can't imagine that the issue is the specs), so hopefully my free plan will be good enough.

ALSO! for a solid week in February I posted on my art fb page Vivid Magic Arts every day. And I'm getting better at writing image descriptions. Weird to know that there is an aspect of art and writing that I just had ZERO skill at, but the practice is helping. Hopefully I will improve rapidly until it is easy for me to write an evocative image description. Also, if you are a fiction writer or visual artist, I feel like this would be a really good exercise to do just to develop more skill in noticing -- and if you want to do that exercise as well as provide an important service, here's a good place to do it.

I still fully intend to answer all of the prompts, but it is unlikely that they will all get answered this month *grimace* I'll just make my way through as I have time and energy. I've been dealing with a lot, particularly confusion and heartbreak-dread (that feeling where you are dreading heartbreak but have just enough hope that you can't resign yourself, ugh) as one of my friendships appears to be undergoing an intense and very unexpected change. Also homework has been heavy and I've had so. many. interactions that have taken a shitton of energy. I have met with biofamily FOUR TIMES, had at least four major conflicts with close friends, met two new people (who were both great, but meeting a new person always takes a PILE of energy) and attended two major public events where I got a lot of attention, all in the last three weeks. Last Saturday I participated in an event for the local chapter of One Billion Rising, where I spoke this (they wanted it close to tweet-length):

I'm rising for the transgender people who are hidden.
When you decide my gender based on how I look, you violate my identity.
Who I am is not decided by my body shape or my clothes.
Making assumptions based on the average erases those most vulnerable.

I at least managed to speak clearly, though my heart was beating so hard that it actually HURT and I felt shaky shaky shaky. I hate the feeling of adrenaline. But I was glad to be at that event partly because it was SO binary and SO trans erasing and me saying that ^ was SO needed. (those weren't the only issues) I felt a murmur of shock when I finished the first sentence, but Topaz told me that people applauded extra loud after (I was so out of it at that point that I had no idea), and several people came up to me and thanked me after. So at the least, they might be open to critique, and it was way better with regards to race and nationality than other reform-based feminist events I have witnessed.

Topaz shared with me their criticism of the event afterward, which was that there was no call to action. I heartily agree. I mentioned that those tend to come in the form of conferences rather than short events and Topaz said that shouldn't be the case, which kinda blew my mind with how fuckin true it is. You know what would be fantastic? a monthly meeting where all the SJ groups in the area come in and each share like a 15-minute blurb on what actions they are taking or planning and what their needs are for participation. Also, another monthly event that is just skill-sharing, people go and share solutions they have found and victories they have won or even recent victories they've heard of, or fuck, even old victories that have been erased from history. I could go to an event like that and get so much practical knowledge AND it would be so SO good for motivation, since I think the #1 motivation killer is the idea that we can't get anything done. People are getting shit done ALL AROUND us and also it is fucking insulting to the memory of people like Bayard Rustin and Sylvia Rivera for present-day people who care about social justice to refuse to use the tools of reform as well as the tools of revolution. VOTING MATTERS TOO.

I went to this event because of my aunt KC, who a week ago led a shared art project in my city that I also participated in. I really like KC -- I don't feel like I have to hide things, and they understand a lot of social justice issues already so they have the framework for me explaining more things. They're also open to learning from me, which I find to be rare in people who are a generation older than me. I feel upset with my parents for having not really allowed them to be part of my life, because I feel like we could be super close if my parents had invested in them like they invested in other people who were not critical of my parents (KC wasn't directly critical but would point out some of their bullshit). My number one problem with my parents is that they don't try to learn and grow, instead they flee from criticism. There could have been SO MUCH LESS SUFFERING if they had ever been willing to admit their ignorance and mistakes. Anyway.

So, KC is a professional artist who works for social and ecological justice. Last week we went to coffee for just a little while, and I showed them my fractals which they liked very much. I wish I had had more time with them, but I was so swamped that I really had no chance to spend more one-on-one time with them. I found out that there is ADD on my mom's side of the family too, which makes me want to get to know that person (I find that people with ADD tend to be people I like, which is annoying because they also tend to be people who are hard to connect with). I am not entirely sure how to build a relationship with KC now but I intend to.

Dreamed I was coming home, and my mailbox was new and incredibly fancy. Some people, maybe neighbors, came over and looked at that and came inside, and looked at the house, and were very impressed. The house had purple and green trim. Then there was a storm coming up and as it started to rain I was sitting on the porch and the ground was red clay but as the rain came down it turned into a very rich brown soil. There was a tree planted in it and one of the neighbors stepped on it and broke it from its root. I took both pieces and put the larger piece without the root by into the ground and took the little piece which suddenly no longer had roots and put it in a glass cup with something else that had roots, so it could learn to grow them. The weather was getting much more intense and I picked up all of the loose little containers of plants and put them on the floor underneath the table on the porch. One of the plants started growing roots into the porch and seemed to be very disturbed at being moved, so I poured water over it to help.

The scene switched and I was at a restaurant and it was a weird combination between the glass divider prison tables, and a sort of ruby tuesday place. Across from me was an old black woman and we started talking about how we made a difference in the world and they got up and put mayonnaise in the oil lamps and told me that they did this so that it would be used instead of exploitative oil from other places. I asked wouldn't they just dump it out and use even more oil and they said no that no one ever noticed the difference. I asked if they had to come back to look and they said yes. A little later they started talking about the Constitution and how they felt that our country could have been well off with fewer amendments, & I said well I think the most recent ones are some of the most important, and they disagreed. They told me that they were around in the day and knew better than I did. I said yes they likely did, and I wasn't trying to argue but I didn't understand and wanted them to explain.

Scene switched again and I was in jail. Weirdly Bridget was there and my paintings were on the walls, and Bridget looked at one I had done and said that it was amazing. it was a self portrait and I had done really perfect perfect paint on the front part, with colorful shading on the lower left curve of my belly. But this painting apparently had two sides and on the other side on the back, I hadn't put enough shading underneath my butt.

Then I was in the bathroom with a bunch of other people and I was in a stall that was covered in pee and trying to clean it up with toilet paper and I finally got it cleaned up. A new person came in it who was supposed to fix it and they started measuring my head! They were talking about various aspects of my head and measuring it in various ways. Then we were listening to this voice telling us about how to handle rape, they were this horrible person who was hiding at first, and then I asked who is saying this, and they put their head out from these blankets from where they were laying on a mattress on the floor. Then another inmate came out of the next room started talking about how they did absolutely everything they could to resist what they were told to do. They would eat everyday sitting on the floor with their legs drawn up and crossed, reaching under and through their legs to eat from the dish. Then the person who was telling people how to deal with rape took a fork and stabbed them in the hand and they slowly pulled it out of there and then started stabbing themselves more. It became very chaotic and they took us, all of the inmates, out to this place in the water where they performed executions and they called out this person's name and then threw them down a long long long long tunnel to an electrified section of water at the bottom. They got burned up to nothingness. There's something in this that I can't remember, about someone getting punished and another person having to watch them knowing that it wasn't their fault. They executed two more people for even less reason. Then they called my name and went to throw me down and at first I was terrified, and then I realized that this was just the impetus I needed to be able to start to fly. So I flew up out of the tunnel and pulled off the giant net over it, and flew away. I dropped the net on the front of a ludicrously large sailship and went flying more. I realized I needed to fly higher in order to avoid having to follow the deep and wild flow of ocean waves, so I started doing that. Then I came upon someone from my past, Finnegan, and I tried to catch up with them, but they dove away from me into the ocean. I grabbed on to the symbol of them (a mushroom) and was pulled underwater, deeper and deeper, and started to worry I wouldn't be able to come up for air, when I woke.

So my personal new year starts at various times -- sometimes November 13 (my spiritual birthday), sometimes on Solstice, sometimes on USian New Years. This year I did a burning-release on Solstice so this has felt like a sort of gestational period for the new year, as when I've had a chance I've been thinking about what I want to accomplish with my next year. Obviously I want to graduate school, but that's just a required hoop I have to jump through and isn't personally meaningful. I'll be relieved because I no longer have to put as much of my progress in other people's hands and because I can start making money, something I've never really done before. The most I've ever made in a month was like $850, and that was a fluke.

Anyway, I'm setting some goals, minimum intentions below, not ordered by importance to me:

500 photos taken that I like.
365 instances of unprompted openness.
365 days of keeping up with text responses at least once daily.
365 days of taking one cellphone snapshot daily.
303 days that include a spiritual practice, aiming for early in the day.
252 LJ entries.
88 love bank entries.
77 fractals.
55 dreams recorded.
55 artworks created.
55 intuitions recorded.
55 days of reading a spiritual book.
44 me-initiated text conversations with KWT, Abby, Anika, Kat, Allison, Jaime (each).
44 me-initiated fb messages to Heather and Kylei (each).
30 30-minute meditations.
16 intimacy practices.
13 1-on-1 or 1-on-2 hangouts with KWT, Kylei, Heather, Jaime, Allison (each).
11 new casual friends made.
8 crafty parties.
7 new park visits (parks I haven't been to before).
4 concerts.
4 sets of talismans made.
3 sets of icons made.
3 new good friends made.
2 22-day writing streaks.
2 sets of card readings.
2 musicsharing posts.
2 art inspiration posts.
1 new tattoo.
1 long (3.5+ hour) drive by myself.
1 burn-centered event.
1 class led at a convention.
More physical exertion.
More work on my etsys and art fb and local selling of my art (yellow daisy festival?).
More writing in my book of magic.
More new kinds of sex/physical intimacy.
More energy work with more people.
Redo my "characters in the story of my life" post.
Do year-overviews for 2012, 2013, 2014.

I'm on a bus headed for D.C. I'm feeling a bit motion-sick, which is a recent development (before this December I never experienced it). I am not sure of this is just a bad thing, or if it is a negative symptom of a good thing. It would make sense to me that as I become more rooted to my place I become physically uncomfortable with travel. I'm okay with that, mild discomfort is more of a reminder of the meaning of what I am doing. I just hope it doesn't get more intense. I like that I am traveling during the calendar transition to the new year; earlier Kylei mentioned that and it suddenly felt very right.

I watched the documentary on Marina Abramovich and it fucking ripped my soul out. I was quite irritated with the voiceovers but seeing Marina's work, fuck, that is what I want to do. At one point they had a performance piece that was them sitting at a small table, silently, and making eye contact with whoever sat in front of them. Every day, 7.5 hours a day, for 3 months. I could feel that, so deeply, and I wanted to do that. I want to give that. I told this to Topaz, feeling sad about my lack of access to a space, and they said that I could do it at a burn. That is SO true and I yearn to do it. I have to figure out logistics but the next burn I go to, I will offer this. There are enough people seeking new experiences that I know I will at least get to do it with a few. I want the lengthy experience because I feel that my ability to sense things about people would grow exponentially, but it is also something I do not have the emotional or financial resources to do. So, a few hours a day for 3 days, will be my experience.

Also, the most sacred thing I can imagine, Marina had the support staff take photos of each person, and then Marina wrote notes under their photo, put it all in a book. When I saw that I felt like I had seen Godde. I cannot exaggerate how intense my reaction was. I don't think I have ever felt holiness like that in my life, nor any emotion that strong. I wanted to wash Marina's feet and kiss them. I wanted to thank them for this incredible gift to the universe. Even if there had been no documentation it would have been such a gift. And with the documentation (voiceover commentary notwithstanding) it can have more ripple effects. In the documentary the thing that affected me second most was seeing two children sitting and making eye contact, silently. I want to inspire people to create more intimacy on their own.

On this trip I brought "Plant Spirit Medicine" a book someone bought for me after seeing it on my amazon wishlist. Glancing at it in person, I realized the author was a default, and my heart sank. What appropriation and sexism will I find in this book? I thought. But then I happened upon a page referring to the spirit of Plantain (which I know grows nearby and has medicinal properties) and read that paragraph and decided to give it a shot. So far (35 pages in), it feels respectful. I hope to learn from it. I feel inspired to dream more deliberately again (something I used to do to avoid nightmares, or to feel things in my dream that I had no access to in waking life).

Kylei and I attempted to make a plan for the first time since our big clash about lack of interactions, it failed but I decided to go to the park we'd made plans at anyway and it's on my list of favorites now. It was very well-wooded and though it is hilly, the switchbacks are gradual enough that I don't hate it for the incline. There was one spot that made me feel a sense of holiness. I can't wait to go back after the trees have put out leaves again.

I picked Abby up from the airport when they came into town and after we had dinner at my favorite restaurant and I petted their hair a bit they crashed out. The next day they ran errands with me (including an AWFUL stop at the incredibly crowded post office) and helped me talk with the new coffeeshop owner about putting up fractals for commission there. I felt cozy going around with them, though they were still frazzled from the day before and we spent a good bit of time in silence, especially while crafting (both finishing solstice gifts). Then Topaz and Abby and I all went to the grocery store, came back and had dinner together while watching a Xena, and I spent the night. The next morning we had breakfast and coffee together and then I went home to do all the preparation things (partially so they could have one-on-one time). When I came back I tidied Topaz' basement with Abby's help -- poor Abby was just wiped out, so we didn't hang out much.

Solstice was a giant bustle of activity, with me, Topaz, Abby, Anika, Matt, Suzu, Kei-Won-Tia, Christo, Kat and their friend Sause, Heather, Brian, Kylei, Allison & their person Jonathan, and Jaime. More people brought food than Topaz and I were expecting (Topaz made adorable delicious tiny sandwiches and got fruits and veggies and I made my superfood dip), so we actually ended up with more food than we needed. After most everyone arrived, we had ritual: a shared damiana shot (with damiana tea for the little one), writing down things to let go of and then burning them, a spiral hug, and then drawing stones from a bowl of water and water beads. I had brought a number of stones and written all the meanings in my book of magic, so after everyone drew a stone (without looking) I then told them what their stone meant. I was a bit disappointed at mine -- snowflake obsidian -- but then when I looked at the meaning I laughed out loud because it was so perfect. Anika chose the stone that I had gotten specifically thinking of them, and Kei-Won-Tia chose the stone that I had gotten specifically thinking of them, and Topaz chose the stone I had gotten thinking of them! I was pretty blown away by that, and pleased. I remember thinking that all of them were appropriate but I don't remember what the others got.

After ritual we started opening presents and it was WAYYYY too chaotic for me, I got very overwhelmed and almost had to leave the room, I just couldn't deal with all the things happening at once. Overall I learned that I need present opening to be more structured for me to enjoy it at all. Last year it was so much calmer just because everyone had been laying around cuddling I think, and only one person was walking around at a time. Next year I want to do Topaz' suggestion of having each person take turns giving out their gifts. I really like seeing people open my gifts and also present compersion -- watching Kylei open a gift from Heather, for instance. I hope everyone is okay with that, I think they would be but no one thought of it. Later we all had food and alcohol and played a little bit of truth or truth. Allison arrived and I gave them my present -- a fractal I'd made for them, mounted on canvas with a painted border. They seemed to really love it which made me happy and relieved (I'd never done it before and was worried that it wouldn't appeal). As things wound down, eventually it was me, Kat, Jaime, Allison (and their person, who seems to appreciate Allison exactly as they are which makes me SUPER happy), and Topaz (maybe someone else too??). I got super great cuddles, playing with Allison's hair and getting a hand massage from Kat. It's very blurry (I was drunk and exhausted) but I remember feeling so loved that these people were not just spending time with me but investing in learning about each other. I have no idea what we talked about but the energy and cuddles were very nourishing for me.

Next morning I got up and helped make pancakes, did a billion and a half dishes, had breakfast, and said
goodbye to Kat and Sause (who I didn't get to really talk with, but seems really easygoing and open; I feel like it would be fairly easy to connect with them in a much smaller setting). Then I tidied more, hung out with Jaime until they had to leave for work, and talked with Anika and Abby while massaging Abby (who had neck/shoulder pain). After Anika and Matt and Suzu left to go to Sanctuary with Kei-Won-Tia, Abby and I took off for the nearest park under grey and horrid skies -- right after we arrived it started raining, so we climbed a baseball tower (no idea what it is actually called) and watched the rain and talked about solstice.

We went home and I saw Mercury (one of my bettas) looking dead and freaked the fuck out -- turns out they weren't dead just very lethargic and with a giant wound. After flailing a while I set up a quarantine bowl and put them in it, still incredibly rattled and upset. Abby and I sat around talking for a little while as I tried to calm down, and then I drove through rain and dark with wiper blades that won't work properly, terrified, and arrived at Topaz' even more shaky, with my hands literally shaking. Abby asked how to help me, I didn't know, they gave me a hug which helped some. Then Topaz arrived and comforted me too, and I just started crying, overwhelmed. Topaz put their hand over my heart and gave energy (I checked to make sure they were pulling from elsewhere because I am not at all comfortable with people draining themselves for my sake) which helped hugely. I wouldn't have thought to ask for it but I was very grateful. I decided to go lay down for a while as Abby and Topaz made dinner. Once it was ready we watched "Playing By Heart" because apparently Abby had still never seen it??!??

Later I realized I felt sad and told Abby about it -- that I felt sad about not intentionally connecting. We talked about it and I explained that I wasn't blaming them or asking for an apology, that I just wanted a fix for the future. Eventually we felt agreement and I asked them to sit with me holding hands and put our foreheads together (I initially suggested that we make eye contact but they felt that was too intense). When we did this I felt relief, and connection, like that missing bit finally clicked.

Then suddenly Abby and Topaz were full of playful energy and played hide and go seek, I 'found' Topaz who wanted a backpack ride but when Topaz jumped on, they were too close to the wall and smashed their knee (which hurt for days and I felt SO bad, forever after the jump-on part only happens in the middle of the room). Abby went to talk to Darryl and Topaz and I wrestled and made out (which made me happy partly because in the past Topaz wouldn't have done that in the common area if there was another person anywhere in the house). Topaz had suggested 3-person cuddles and I asked Abby, who liked the idea, so we cuddled with Abby in the middle and then Topaz in the middle. I gave Abby face pets and they liked them (yay!). But then Abby was falling asleep so we just left them to it.

Next day Abby and I went over to Sanctuary to hang out with Kei-Won-Tia, Anika, Waylon, Matt, and Suzu -- Christo was supposed to join also but was busy. We played a long game of Truth or Truth and I got to know Waylon a bit; they seem like the most humbly-hungry-for-understanding person I think I have ever met, which I love. When it got near time for me and Anika to leave, I was sitting next to Abby and feeling sad that this would be the last time we saw each other for a while, not really sure what to do with that feeling. Kei-Won-Tia suggested that Abby and I go cuddle to say goodbye, which was so perfectly the thing needed. We had really sweet cuddles, very connected -- possibly the most connected cuddles we've ever had, at least to me. I felt a validation of my hope the night before that the intentional connection would have a lasting effect. Then Anika rode with me to my house in terrible dark rain again, and lounged on my bed talking and occasionally cuddling for about seven hours. It was really good to have one-on-one time and while I can't remember what we talked about (arghhh) it was meaningful and nourishing and I felt we built more connection.

The next day when I woke up my fish still wouldn't eat -- three days of not eating when this fish is usually very excited about food -- and the wound looked worse, and they seemed so depressed that I felt bad about their suffering. I looked online to see if there was some painless way I could help them die, and everywhere said that clove oil would work to make them go to sleep (it's used for fish surgery) and then a much larger dose would kill them. I had clove oil on hand so I tried it -- and they freaked out and swam all around and I felt like the worst creature ever to live, but there was no going back, so I felt trapped and had no idea what to do, I looked online again and they said to wait 10 minutes for it to work, ugh, I went back and they were still so I poured the lethal dose in, ugh, ugh, I feel like the worst person, gasping and crying, saying "I'm so sorry I'm so sorry." After, I found someone else who said they had the experience I had and apparently I either added it too quickly or had them in too large of a container or both, fuck. Never ever again. Apparently you can buy a euthenasia powder online, I'm going to do that as soon as I have money, in case this happens again. I just can't trust a method that caused distress, even if it was because I did it wrong. The video I watched about it had the fish so peacefully drifting off... *deep sad frown* Later that night Topaz picked me up and I spent the night with them, doing nothing I can remember.

Next: Topaz' biofamily christmas. LOADS OF PEOPLE ALL DAY and I had to be all demure and shit. The highlights were Topaz' parents giving me good coffee and gel pens, and me giving people small fractal prints in envelopes with the title on them. I was hoping that people would at least count it as a gift but didn't think there would be a strong reaction -- but almost everyone I gave them to exclaimed over them and seemed really happy about them! I felt so happy and gratified that they seemed to mean something to people. And I loved when they would point out ways they interpreted it. Later one of Topaz' parents referred to me as an artist which was the first time I think anyone has ever called me that (at least, to my face).

That night I had weirdly intense dreams about moving and school and Firekat and visiting a church (like, testing out a christian church to see if they were non-poopfaces). I had to pack all my things into a truck bed and I had 7 huge shelves of spices and way too many books. According to the internet, spices mean a yearning for variety, books mean calm slow progress, and packing means change ahead, putting the past behind you. My first thought was that I couldn't possibly take all of the spices, then I thought of selling some of them, and then of bringing only the ones in plastic jars (so they wouldn't break), and finally deciding fuck it, I want all of them, others wouldn't appreciate them enough. With the books, I was intrigued to see ones I hadn't read, but I didn't feel attached to any in particular (I had already packed my favorites). This all took place in the basement (subconscious). So, I'm taking that to mean I'm getting to the end of a learning phase and my focus is going to be more varied. That in rejecting limiting my options, I get to actually have it all. Later I talked about this with Topaz and they said it sounded to them like it was about me being poly (which was the same feeling I had gotten). Topaz expressed that they don't want me to hold back for their sake and I said that while I do feel I am getting to the point where I actually have the energy for additional romance, I don't have anyone in particular whom I want to pursue that with, but I will let them know if/when that changes.

I realized I've shared these pretty much everywhere but here, so have some of my latest fractal art:


"Psychoactive Prism"
Abstract, overlapping trapezoidal shapes twist and clash with each other. The shapes are colored in very bright stripes of yellow, hot pink, teal, blue, and lime green. Some are chopped into ripples like waves on a shore, others are slanted so sharply they become lines rather than a shape. It could be a puddle of magic or amoebas dancing together. It's trippy and intriguing, wildly colorful but layered and subtle in line.


"Secret Garden"
An angular, unevenly spiraling pattern of green and red forms this fractal. The background is black and the colors appear translucent against it, with flecks of brighter color. Near the bottom right is a cluster of red, orange, yellow, and green. The edges look like they fade into empty space.


"Ship of the Imagination"
An abstract fractal of goldenrod yellow and slate blue hovers in the center of a black background. The yellow swirls are roughly triangular and the slate blue forms a web-like pattern at the short end of the long yellow shape, and arcs up from the front of the narrow point of the triangle. It could be a spaceship or a sailing ship.


"Quercus (Oak tree)"
This abstract fractal of swirling spring green stands out against a black background, taking the form of a very full tree. Occasional lines of white and teal wisp through the branches evoking a feeling of mist or smoke. Arching roots, short trunk, and wide canopy appear to loop into each other with no beginning or end.


"Star Blooming"
This abstract fractal has a fiery 8-pointed star of orchid, capri blue and pale yellow emerging from a stem or perhaps a cocoon of bright yellow, orange, and red. If nebulae fruited in stars, this is what it would look like.


"The Musaeum at Alexandria"
This fractal towers with columns of black against which shine patterns of aqua, apricot, violet, and teal. A reflection thrown at the front might be light shining out from the open door of the massive building.

I LOVE knowing what other people see in my fractals, so if you see something different please share <3 I love how much these are about a person's interaction with them.

Whew. I have been so massively overwhelmed for SO LONG. Not all the overwhelming things are bad but they're just such a lot.

Since the first week of November I've had at least one gigantic stats project due every week. One with a presentation, two that were exams, one that took me over 24 hours (as in, counting the hours spent over a week) to complete... ugh. I think the shortest one was 6 hours, most were at least 8. So fucking much work, and the kind of work that takes all of my brain and leaves me exhausted after.

My car threw a belt at the beginning of October - luckily it was the AC belt so I could keep driving but I held my breath every time because the others were just as worn and if they broke my car would be hopelessly shitted and I might die if it broke at the wrong moment. Finally got that fixed last week but my car's been making a horrible scraping noise and I'm so tired of broken shit I haven't taken it back to get that checked.

In addition, working on some weekends for Topaz' parents (who I feel on high alert around because I have to act normal) to make some food money, a conflict w Kylei that kept getting put off because I was trying to do it in real-time (finally got settled this week because I gave up and sent an email), going to Topaz' family thanksgiving, cleaning/organizing/planning in preparation for solstice, getting/making presents, working a lot on my various art shops and (with Topaz' help) setting up a central facebook page for it, being a support to a friend going through intense trauma, going to Ashe's birthday where there was one person who has an unresolved conflict with me and another who I'm pretty sure hates me, oh, and the loads of hoop jumping for getting meds. And a houseguest who is still a very new person to me (they needed a safe place) - it has turned out wonderfully but I was pretty nervous about it and put a lot of energy into setting it up. Plus I'm sure some other things I can't think of because my memory is shit.

And I'm bad about journaling when I'm actually on LJ because I'm always "well I wanna read first" and then I run out of time. So. This is on my phone.

*deeeeeeep sigh* really hoping that my professors next semester are better organized and don't drop everything on me at the end of the semester.

Also, there's a kind of spiritual shift happening with me, which I haven't had a chance to really explore yet. And my fractal art makes me so fuckin happy, I feel like I have talent with it and I'm building skill quite fast lately. My amazing friend chillychilly22 is supporting my art via patreon and that keeps me motivated, but I have had so little time and I've felt bad about rendering because my stats programs take up just as much effort for the computer and I don't want to cause it damage by running it full throttle all the time. Overall though, I've been making stuff I'm super proud of, and I've even had two strangers buy my art! Can't wait to make new things over my (very short and busy) break. School ended late and starts early, what is that. And I'm going to visit my bioparents (and Anika) over New Years, which is a stress hanging over me. It'll mean a thirteen hour bus ride each way, which (except for visiting Anika) will be the fun part.

Next week, I have 6 things to make to finish up my solstice gifts, and I've gotta help Topaz finish preparing for guests. Also Abby is visiting, then Kat and Anika! SO MUCH HAPPEN.

Something I recently realized was that my online presence is missing accessibility for people with visual disabilities: why image descriptions are important and how to write them.

I am intimidated by the idea of image descriptions but it is way more important to me that people be able to participate fully in what I share. So, on twitter, facebook, and LJ (the sites that I consider to be about interaction) I am going to use image descriptions if I post any images. On sites like tumblr, deviantart, and flickr (the sites I consider to be more of a gallery space than an interaction space), it will be on a case by case basis. I'm trying to achieve a balance between being avoidant of posting anything because I find it hard to write image descriptions of art, and making what I do post accessible. So, if I had more brainpower I would do it all the time, as it is, I will prioritize. It is vital to me that my LJ be accessible as I want it to be a positive space for all people, it's important that my fb be accessible because it is a place of so much interaction, and it is easy to make my twitter accessible. I pretty much use tumblr and flickr as storage space, because very few people interact with me there, and deviantart is something that I want to always use image descriptions in, but I find it very difficult to create an evocative description of an abstract fractal without assigning it a particular meaning, so I'm not sure what to do there.

If I forget and you notice, please remind me! Also if you know how to code in the names of my userpics on my journal itself, please share. I just tried for like an hour and the code compiles but it doesn't do what I tell it to do *deep frown*

I feel like I've been dull in my posts of late. For a little while this was because I was swamped by the amount of posts on my suddenly super-active friends page (that hasn't been a thing for at LEAST five years and I can't even EXPRESS how much better it makes my life). Also I got really discouraged by my recent attempts to attract people to my art, especially in a financially supportive way. I still have two important steps to do but the next one incurs fees and I feel so stressed about money (especially money that may be 'wasted') that I keep putting it off. And that blocks me from writing because I feel like I need to do this other thing first, and also because I feel like over the years SO MANY people (literally thousands) have said that my writing and art has helped them a lot yet no one seems to feel a desire to give back even a little, which makes me feel like the gift must have not been very worthwhile, that they must have been exaggerating. And when I feel like my art and writing isn't valued I don't want to make it. Which is why I try to avoid mixing money with anything because when I do it invariably makes me feel worthless and it ruins my motivation. [p.s. please do NOT give me advice about this, I've heard it all before and it's not helpful] But if I want to make it happen I have to try, and I have one idea that seems good that I haven't tried yet so I have to try it or my failure might be all on me.

I also tend to withdraw when I have no money, as it feels like any extravagance of expression or motion will take the last of my resources. This works in practical ways like driving less to save gas, and in emotional ways (that make no sense) like feeling less able to have conversations and make art and be expressive. But a weird and altogether welcome thing happened this week where my bioparent M put a little money in my account without me asking. That has never happened before, because not only is M a pinchpenny, but usually when ze knows I have a need, ze withholds until I do something ze wants. So the money was not only filling a really important need, it was kind of an act of trust (that I would talk to zir even if I didn't have a desperate need) and kindness (that I didn't have to do the horribly stressful act of asking for money and justifying why I needed it). It made me cry, I was so touched and grateful. And now I could afford to go get my medication but that would take all of it and so I don't feel safe doing that :-[ ugh my stressbrain is so counterproductive. Also a friend is moving next week and offered money in exchange for help, which is a relief. I'm not going to fret if the money doesn't happen though, because I want to be able to help without payment, but I do hope they follow through.

So to wrap back around: despite money stress I want to keep writing, so I'm aiming for a post-every-day this month. And I'm going to try to remember to write first and THEN read my flist, so that I don't run out of time or words.

I want to start doing a weekly summary on Mondays (if I can remember). I keep wanting to share things and then forgetting. If you are curious and I miss a Monday, please poke me about it.

Last week I did a shitton of art, editing photos and working with fractals. Last Monday's energy work class was great because we got to practice sensing energies with each other. I have learned some new techniques but so far the thing that has benefited me the most is the shared practice. It's hard to learn by yourself because you don't have anyone to tell you when you're off-base and you can't get a sense for what 'true' feels like as opposed to 'likely'. We practiced looking at energy during an impromptu healing that the instructor gave to someone who came in upset. We also practiced using our hands to sense the edge of people's energetic field.

Arizona was in town this week and I spent Sunday with zir, talking and cuddling and then having dinner with Arizona, Deb, and Jerry. Deb and Jerry are people I feel very very fond of but quite awkward about building a relationship now that I'm not so closely connected to their kids. They feel like family to me which also sets off my "not successful enough, not contributing enough" anxieties. I shared this with Arizona and ze invited me to dinner. The four of us had pretty great conversation and they invited me to visit - I want to get over my anxieties and actually do that. Next meteor shower I'm gonna ask to visit, at least.

Wednesday Arizona and zir partner Sulley came over to hang out with me for a while. It was kinda bittersweet because I miss them and now they live out of state, but it was good to catch up and great to see Sulley so happy: ze's at zir dream job and the contentment just radiates.

Thursday Kei-won-tia came over and we talked for a little while before I mentioned wanting to watch Adventure Time with zir and Kyle. Ze said we could do it now, and I decided to skip oneness blessing and we went to zir place. We had a great time and I felt so cozy there.

Friday the internet went out and I frustratedly tried everything but the modem had crapped out so nothing worked. The only productive thing I did that day was clean out my bettas' (3 gallon) vase.

Saturday I went to Hannahcohn's cat's funeral, which was sad but really perfect, as far as that kind of goodbye goes. There was a lot of love. I felt that my presence was comforting to Hannah, which was why I wanted to go. Hannah loves that cat more than many people love their children and the loss must be so immense. Afterward I realized I was only 15 minutes from Sanctuary (Kei-Won-Tia's house) so I went over and we watched Adventure Time interspersed with very meaningful conversation between me, Kei-Won-Tia, and Kyle. I drank a bit and was leaning towards staying the night, but then I sobered up and realized I didn't have a change of clothes and would wake up feeling super gross, so I went to Topaz's where I went to bed but couldn't sleep for ages (I think I lay in bed for 6 hours before sleep) and eventually got just 4 hours or so.

Sunday I woke up and scurried home, whirlwind cleaned my house for a bit, and then people started arriving for the crafty party. Ashe came over, which was interesting because it is the first time ze's been to my house for years. Ze played piano which I unexpectedly enjoyed (I usually find piano music bothersome because my parents made me play for 4 years). Ze also brought a new friend, Rayne, who is pagan and seems awesome. I felt so awkward but really happy, and I enjoyed both of their company. Then Heather and Heatherby and Taz and Olly showed up, and were surprised by the mellow feel. Kylei and Allison are my bouncy boisterous friends (I'm only like that if I'm drunk or extremely happy) so without them everything's pretty chill. I like for things to be bouncy but I am not invested enough to make it so myself. Bouncy is not a creative energy for me -- when I am creating I get very quiet and focused. Anyway it was a very successful crafty party! I really liked the things people made and I loved my craft. I made magic talismans for the people in my energy work class: I wrote blessings for them (intuiting what I felt to be their need) on tiny slips of paper which I rolled into spirals and placed in a painted plastic bottle cap along with scraps from calendars, glitter, glass, and resin. They turned out amazing and I cannot wait to do more.

Monday I had to be up early for the internet to get fixed but I couldn't sleep until late, so I got another short and interrupted sleep. I went to the last energy work class, which was intense -- we learned a technique that I feel is very good for removing doubt*. At one point we did an exercise where we thought of something unlikely (buying a dinner for two at $200 a plate) and removed doubt until we could see it as possible. When I got to the point where it felt possible, I started crying, not just tearing up but unable-to-speak-and-occasionally-sobbing. I hadn't realized it because it was so beyond my life experience, but being able to give others experiences that they would treasure is very, very important to me. I thought of this experimental restaurant that Topaz loves and how I would love to take zir there and it just hit me hard.

At the end of the class I gave out my talismans along with the blessings written out on post-its so they could have them, and they were welcomed so happily. Five of the people said that they were spot-on (the other did not comment), one person cried, one person thanked me profusedly. Also, as I was leaving one of the students told me that ze had practiced an energy work thing I had suggested and it had helped, which made me feel so happy. The thing I got out of this class more than anything else was coming to trust in my intuition, and to believe that the things that I feel as right often are. The doubt-removing exercise was also very useful and I will definitely be using that.

As I left, this headache that I'd been pushing away for 2 hours finally just crashed in -- it was awful, crushing pain. I started to drive home but the lights from other cars were stabbing me and I didn't feel fully there and I kept feeling like I was going to puke, so I called Topaz and asked if I could come there. Ze said yes and so I did, and by the time I got there all I could do was lay on the floor and whimper. I didn't know if it was lack of sleep or lack of food or dehydration or some terrible combination, but it hurt so much. Topaz pet me and gave me cold compresses and brought me water and saltines and made me soup. Once the nausea faded enough that I could eat, I ate and took ibuprofen and the headache went away over the next hour. We went to sleep early and I slept deeply, finally, though I had strange dreams about the trailer I lived in from ages 2-8.

*You think of a situation and rate its possibility for you on a scale from 1-100, using intuition for the rating and imagination to picture a sliding scale. Then you think of the things that make it not possible, and let them go -- all judgements and etc. Keep checking on the scale and don't stop until you get to a point of 90-95% possibility, when you can just push the slider up with your mind. Then you take a mental picture of the situation and send it outward from you in a ripple. It doesn't sound like much but when you do it, you realize a lot of subconscious things that you believe, that you might be better off if you didn't believe (like "everyone will dislike me if I...").

Since I determined to read part of a spiritual book everyday (and set a timer on my phone because that is the only way I can remember), I have actually been keeping up with it and it has been very good for me. I feel like I need daily doses of magic I can sit in for at least 10 minutes (instead of passing magic that lasts a minute or less, which is far easier to find). I feel more connected to my spirituality, more able to be aware. I feel like, if I keep this up, it will not be as daunting a task to sit and meditate. Annnd reading a little bit every day instead of devouring the book in one sitting means that it fills my consciousness longer.

I also feel more able to share my spirituality since Topaz shared with me that ze was actively desiring to host a ritual (but feels the need to clean zir entire house first); I feel like that made me feel confident that Topaz wasn't just being empathetic and curious but had zir own motivation for expressing spirituality, which is new and exciting. It has been a long time since I was fully connected to someone who was spiritual in practice. I have a lot of people in my life who are spiritual, but not any who are active enough to create a ritual in which I can participate but am not necessary for it to exist. I'm just starting to get to the point where I have the confidence to do that myself.

I've also been doing more art: two fractals in the past two days (which is pretty much as fast as you can go because they take like 2 hours to make and then 12+ hours to render), and before that I did makeup and self-portraits (I want to replace a bunch of my old icons and I want my faces for certain expressions that I don't have icons for, like skepticism and awkwardness). Also I had a friend come over this week and craft with me, which was great because I did all of these plasticine clay beads and pendants. I feel closer to being able to make the wands (so intimidated by that project though). In answer to Vola's question, I don't have specific intent to work with Sekhmet more, because it just depends on whether or not ze visits and/or communicates with me again. After two experiences I tend to feel that the connection is more than a random gift (because they happened to be paying attention / in the area), and will try to find ways to honor and appreciate them.

Even though looking at this I can see that it is not true, at the same time as all this I've been feeling stagnant, in part because I haven't been able to motivate to tidy (though I did two loads of laundry! finally! after meaning to do it every day for a week) because it has been body-squishingly hot at my house (the air conditioner broke and I can't even open the windows because the dehumidifier is already pulling like 2 gallons of water a day) and I've been spending more time at Topaz'. I really need to do a whirlwind tidy session but it is hard to do alone :-p

I used to make icons way back in the day and I recently made some for classical_wolf, which made me remember how much I loved it. You can see some of my old ones here: violetglow (those are all up for use if you want). So, the point of this is:

Want an icon? give me an image or a word/theme for each, up to 3 total, first come first served, until there are 21 icon requests. I may do more but I don't want to promise.

Norman Lindsay
(1879 - 1969)

I have to admit that my initial interest in Lindsay's works was the curvaceousness of the subjects (when I was practicing loving my body I hunted down images of women that looked somewhat like me in form to help expand what I saw as beautiful). But the more I've looked at zir work the more captivated I've been by the stories being told and even more than that, the expressions of the people. A lot of painters (and photographers!) of nudes have one favorite facial expression and that is what ALL of their models wear. Lindsay's subjects have a wide variety of facial expressions, one of which I've never seen in other work -- wild joy. Not just happiness, but the kind of fierce joy that throws all else to the wind.

There is a lot of sensuality/sexuality in zir work as well, an almost tangible sense of passion/desire -- and it feels genuine. Perhaps it is the facial expressions or maybe it's just the attitude of the pieces, but it's not lusterless sex-for-show which is what most art depicting sexual desire looks like to me. It feels like there is love or at least affection in it. Also, quite a few works look somewhat poly and queer to me (sadly only with females but still). A character will be holding hands with one person and kissing another, or two characters will kiss someone else at the same time. And there are several depictions of two women completely wrapped up in each other (a pleasant departure from the usual invite-the-viewer-to-join depictions of queer love/lust). And YET. Lindsay does not make nudity always sexual -- in some works it's just there.

There's also a fantastic nature to much of zir work, from simple metaphor to actual sphinxes and harpies and fauns, demons and dwarves, Deities and saints. Most of my favorites look like an illustration from a fairytale book that I'd really love to read.

Last but not least, ze seems to create somewhat genderqueer characters -- several who I thought on the first 10 glances were one sex turned out to be the other (or perhaps neither?) when I looked more carefully (when shrinking/cropping for this post).



( more obvious nudity & sexuality )

Norman Lindsay
(1879 - 1969)

I have to admit that my initial interest in Lindsay's works was the curvaceousness of the subjects (when I was practicing loving my body I hunted down images of women that looked somewhat like me in form to help expand what I saw as beautiful). But the more I've looked at zir work the more captivated I've been by the stories being told and even more than that, the expressions of the people. A lot of painters (and photographers!) of nudes have one favorite facial expression and that is what ALL of their models wear. Lindsay's subjects have a wide variety of facial expressions, one of which I've never seen in other work -- wild joy. Not just happiness, but the kind of fierce joy that throws all else to the wind.

There is a lot of sensuality/sexuality in zir work as well, an almost tangible sense of passion/desire -- and it feels genuine. Perhaps it is the facial expressions or maybe it's just the attitude of the pieces, but it's not lusterless sex-for-show which is what most art depicting sexual desire looks like to me. It feels like there is love or at least affection in it. Also, quite a few works look somewhat poly and queer to me (sadly only with females but still). A character will be holding hands with one person and kissing another, or two characters will kiss someone else at the same time. And there are several depictions of two women completely wrapped up in each other (a pleasant departure from the usual invite-the-viewer-to-join depictions of queer love/lust). And YET. Lindsay does not make nudity always sexual -- in some works it's just there.

There's also a fantastic nature to much of zir work, from simple metaphor to actual sphinxes and harpies and fauns, demons and dwarves, Deities and saints. Most of my favorites look like an illustration from a fairytale book that I'd really love to read.

Last but not least, ze seems to create somewhat genderqueer characters -- several who I thought on the first 10 glances were one sex turned out to be the other (or perhaps neither?) when I looked more carefully (when shrinking/cropping for this post).



( more obvious nudity & sexuality )

Ash and I had a little flatwarming party this weekend which was oh-so-much fun! We had the brilliant idea of designating a wall for collaborative painting and everyone was so creative! it turned out BEAUTIFULLY -- it's going to be in-progress indefinitely but it's already so lovely I could just sit and stare at it. I was sure it would be fascinating but I didn't realize that it would be so gorgeous! So colorful! I can't wait to have others over to add to it (especially Sara and Greta and Nicole!). Davey and S and Ash added more the day after, so it's even more colorful and amazing now. I'll take an overall photo soon -- for now you get bits n pieces ;-)




( photos! by me, Shel, and Sakka )

Ash and I had a little flatwarming party this weekend which was oh-so-much fun! We had the brilliant idea of designating a wall for collaborative painting and everyone was so creative! it turned out BEAUTIFULLY -- it's going to be in-progress indefinitely but it's already so lovely I could just sit and stare at it. I was sure it would be fascinating but I didn't realize that it would be so gorgeous! So colorful! I can't wait to have others over to add to it (especially Sara and Greta and Nicole!). Davey and S and Ash added more the day after, so it's even more colorful and amazing now. I'll take an overall photo soon -- for now you get bits n pieces ;-)




( photos! by me, Shel, and Sakka )

This week has been crazily eventful. Last Wednesday Ben came over and we shared music -- ze introduced me to some of zir favorite groups (complete with pauses for explanation, which I LOVED because for me it adds so much to hear in a person's own words what is important) and then we listened to three Massive Attack albums while kissing and cuddling ♥ Thursday I was emotionally exhausted in a way I haven't been since the first time Aurilion came to visit, but fortunately I knew what was causing it so I felt oddly cheery about feeling crappy.

Friday I impulsively decided to go to a Hope Sandoval & The Warm Inventions concert with Ben, which was rather out of character for me because I prefer to get to know a band before seeing them live -- it really adds a lot for me to know the lyrics (and on first listen I can't 'hear' the lyrics because I'm too distracted by the overall sound). Ohhh, that was SO the right choice. I think I would have enjoyed it if I'd gone alone, but it wouldn't have been worth the cost and the drive. However, experiencing it with Ben was the most incredible musical experience I've ever had (except maybe for The Benjamin Gate's last concert) -- I cannot express the sense of living the music that we shared. I mean, I don't know how ze experienced it (except that afterward ze said ze felt drugged) but I felt like we merged with each other and the music and just breathed it, became extensions of it. I have stepped into music like that before, but doing it WITH someone is exponentially more intense, more beautiful. And if it was that incredible with music that didn't have great personal meaning to me, I can scarcely imagine how transcendent sharing a mutual favorite would be.

Saturday I went tromping through a corn maze for Shel's birthday, which was so fun (even though it was cold). I really love hanging out with Shel ♥ we so need to hang out more often! Later, Ash and I ( hung out with eviltwin )

Later (after we'd sobered up a bit), Ash and I sat in zir room and talked a bit and ( something profound happened )

Sunday Ash & Ben & I went to the Chastain Arts Festival (which had some truly incredible art), and then went to dinner with Nicole (where the food was yummy and Ash & Ben argued pretty fiercely about the evils/benefits of facebook), and then Ash went home and Ben & I had coffee and talked about various fascinating things. In particular we talked about the elements of 'good' poetry -- we almost agreed but not quite, as (if I understand zir correctly) ze feels that the more meaning a poem conveys and the more people it reaches, the better it is. I don't think that increases a poem's worth because to me, a poem's worth depends solely on the effort put into crafting it and how well it says what the poet meant to express (thus can only be rated meaningfully by its creator). I said that I'd read a poem in high school that struck me as quite ridiculously meaningless but created such a vivid picture in my mind, even to this day, and I feel like that makes it a successful poem (which is mere guesswork on my part -- it seems to me that the point was to create a picture in the reader's mind). I started to describe it and Ben quoted it to me because ze had been thinking of the same poem! This: ( by William Carlos Williams ) Then we watched "It Might Get Loud," a documentary about playing the electric guitar (focused on Jimmy Page, The Edge, and Jack White) in which the artists spoke about the heart of creation and mentioned a lot of the very same things we'd been talking about. That was quite fun ;-)

This week has been crazily eventful. Last Wednesday Ben came over and we shared music -- ze introduced me to some of zir favorite groups (complete with pauses for explanation, which I LOVED because for me it adds so much to hear in a person's own words what is important) and then we listened to three Massive Attack albums while kissing and cuddling ♥ Thursday I was emotionally exhausted in a way I haven't been since the first time Aurilion came to visit, but fortunately I knew what was causing it so I felt oddly cheery about feeling crappy.

Friday I impulsively decided to go to a Hope Sandoval & The Warm Inventions concert with Ben, which was rather out of character for me because I prefer to get to know a band before seeing them live -- it really adds a lot for me to know the lyrics (and on first listen I can't 'hear' the lyrics because I'm too distracted by the overall sound). Ohhh, that was SO the right choice. I think I would have enjoyed it if I'd gone alone, but it wouldn't have been worth the cost and the drive. However, experiencing it with Ben was the most incredible musical experience I've ever had (except maybe for The Benjamin Gate's last concert) -- I cannot express the sense of living the music that we shared. I mean, I don't know how ze experienced it (except that afterward ze said ze felt drugged) but I felt like we merged with each other and the music and just breathed it, became extensions of it. I have stepped into music like that before, but doing it WITH someone is exponentially more intense, more beautiful. And if it was that incredible with music that didn't have great personal meaning to me, I can scarcely imagine how transcendent sharing a mutual favorite would be.

Saturday I went tromping through a corn maze for Shel's birthday, which was so fun (even though it was cold). I really love hanging out with Shel ♥ we so need to hang out more often! Later, Ash and I ( hung out with eviltwin )

Later (after we'd sobered up a bit), Ash and I sat in zir room and talked a bit and ( something profound happened )

Sunday Ash & Ben & I went to the Chastain Arts Festival (which had some truly incredible art), and then went to dinner with Nicole (where the food was yummy and Ash & Ben argued pretty fiercely about the evils/benefits of facebook), and then Ash went home and Ben & I had coffee and talked about various fascinating things. In particular we talked about the elements of 'good' poetry -- we almost agreed but not quite, as (if I understand zir correctly) ze feels that the more meaning a poem conveys and the more people it reaches, the better it is. I don't think that increases a poem's worth because to me, a poem's worth depends solely on the effort put into crafting it and how well it says what the poet meant to express (thus can only be rated meaningfully by its creator). I said that I'd read a poem in high school that struck me as quite ridiculously meaningless but created such a vivid picture in my mind, even to this day, and I feel like that makes it a successful poem (which is mere guesswork on my part -- it seems to me that the point was to create a picture in the reader's mind). I started to describe it and Ben quoted it to me because ze had been thinking of the same poem! This: ( by William Carlos Williams ) Then we watched "It Might Get Loud," a documentary about playing the electric guitar (focused on Jimmy Page, The Edge, and Jack White) in which the artists spoke about the heart of creation and mentioned a lot of the very same things we'd been talking about. That was quite fun ;-)

Anders Zorn
(1860 - 1920)

Zorn is a painter after my own heart. Ze's probably most famous for zir portraits -- but it is zir nature nudes that I love so much. They have a softness and a rawness about them, and it feels like ze painted the plants and water with as much care as ze did the humans. The woods and shores feel real and alive, not just convenient backdrops for the models. I love the use of color in zir paintings -- it feels so warm in the indoor settings, and so fresh and breezy in the nature settings. But zir use of line is also really incredible -- ze was a prolific etcher, and the prints from zir etchings capture me almost as much as zir paintings.

I am enchanted by zir work -- I think mostly because ze wanted to capture life as it was, not pretty it up and pose it. I see two sides in zir nudes: the gritty, warm, messy aspect of humanity, captured in the indoor nudes which are usually in a state of preparation or cleansing, and the wild, fresh, pure aspect, captured in the nature nudes which are in a state of exploration or relaxation. I love both ♥



( etched and painted nudity, possibly NWS if classical art is too naked? )

Anders Zorn
(1860 - 1920)

Zorn is a painter after my own heart. Ze's probably most famous for zir portraits -- but it is zir nature nudes that I love so much. They have a softness and a rawness about them, and it feels like ze painted the plants and water with as much care as ze did the humans. The woods and shores feel real and alive, not just convenient backdrops for the models. I love the use of color in zir paintings -- it feels so warm in the indoor settings, and so fresh and breezy in the nature settings. But zir use of line is also really incredible -- ze was a prolific etcher, and the prints from zir etchings capture me almost as much as zir paintings.

I am enchanted by zir work -- I think mostly because ze wanted to capture life as it was, not pretty it up and pose it. I see two sides in zir nudes: the gritty, warm, messy aspect of humanity, captured in the indoor nudes which are usually in a state of preparation or cleansing, and the wild, fresh, pure aspect, captured in the nature nudes which are in a state of exploration or relaxation. I love both ♥



( etched and painted nudity, possibly NWS if classical art is too naked? )

Anders Zorn

Zorn is a painter after my own heart. Ze's probably most famous for zir portraits -- but it is zir nature nudes that I love so much. They have a softness and a rawness about them, and it feels like ze painted the plants and water with as much care as ze did the humans. The woods and shores feel real and alive, not just convenient backdrops for the models. I love the use of color in zir paintings -- it feels so warm in the indoor settings, and so fresh and breezy in the nature settings. But zir use of line is also really incredible -- ze was a prolific etcher, and the prints from zir etchings capture me almost as much as zir paintings.

I am enchanted by zir work -- I think mostly because ze wanted to capture life as it was, not pretty it up and pose it. I see two sides in zir nudes: the gritty, warm, messy aspect of humanity, captured in the indoor nudes which are usually in a state of preparation or cleansing, and the wild, fresh, pure aspect, captured in the nature nudes which are in a state of exploration or relaxation. I love both ♥



( etched and painted nudity, possibly NWS if classical art is too naked? )

Steve Sizelove
(contemporary)

Steve Sizelove's glass sculptures are absolutely amazing. I'm awed by how ze manages to create such expressive, detailed figures with such a fluid medium. The hands! They can't be more than the size of a dime, yet they're perfect and SO expressive. And I love how ze uses varying body shapes! So many artists seem to pick a favorite (usually the one that's in fashion) and create the same body over and over, but Sizelove seems to appreciate variety. I find zir work even more beautiful when viewed as a whole.

You can see more of zir work at the gallery -- definitely worth looking at, as I've posted only my favorites. ;-)



( - - - glass sculpted nudity - - - )

Steve Sizelove
(contemporary)

Steve Sizelove's glass sculptures are absolutely amazing. I'm awed by how ze manages to create such expressive, detailed figures with such a fluid medium. The hands! They can't be more than the size of a dime, yet they're perfect and SO expressive. And I love how ze uses varying body shapes! So many artists seem to pick a favorite (usually the one that's in fashion) and create the same body over and over, but Sizelove seems to appreciate variety. I find zir work even more beautiful when viewed as a whole.

You can see more of zir work at the gallery -- definitely worth looking at, as I've posted only my favorites. ;-)



( - - - glass sculpted nudity - - - )

Steve Sizelove

Steve Sizelove's glass sculptures are absolutely amazing. I'm awed by how ze manages to create such expressive, detailed figures with such a fluid medium. The hands! They can't be more than the size of a dime, yet they're perfect and SO expressive. And I love how ze uses varying body shapes! So many artists seem to pick a favorite (usually the one that's in fashion) and create the same body over and over, but Sizelove seems to appreciate variety. I find zir work even more beautiful when viewed as a whole.

You can see more of zir work at the gallery -- definitely worth looking at, as I've posted only my favorites. ;-)



( - - - glass sculpted nudity - - - )

I'm really filled with love for you all right now ♥ I feel so blessed to have people like you in my life! Thinking about you makes me just shake my head and glow in wonder... All of you are my learnsharers, my teacher/students. I love learning with you! I'm so glad you're with me on my journey.

(now for the actual subject of my post!) For months I'd had a plan in the back of my mind for a spiritual creative project -- prayer runes -- but it never felt like the right time to actually make them. I spent quite a few hours on them each day of the fast (as they had to dry between times so that the paper wouldn't melt), and since then I've been using them in my meditation/prayer time.

I made them for the people who've had some kind of major positive impact on my life, regardless of whether or not we are currently in contact or on good terms. ((for instance, "Michael?" is someone whose last name I never knew, who was the first violet spirit I ever met -- I'd never felt such an instant or deep connection before zir, and ze opened my eyes to the possibility of so many things. Have you ever met a stranger with whom your eyes LOCKED, you could not tear your gaze away, and you felt COMFORTABLE with such an intimate thing even while talking?)) There are at least two more people whom I love very much and want to add -- but I wanted to keep this to people who I'd made a real-time connection with, otherwise I'd have made a ton more. But I do have hopes to make new runes as you become more of a part of my life.

The colors aren't perfect, as I was using markers and couldn't layer/mix colors (and some of them melted a bit), but they're pretty close for the most part, in real life. (in my photos they're a bit off) The center color is what I see the person's spirit as; the middle color is the heart; and the outer color is the soul. ((explanation of what I mean by those words))



( photos )

I keep the bag in my sanctuary, and when I go in to meditate I draw two runes, place them on my altar, and pray for those two people. Throughout the day I keep them in my mind, praying over them and sending them love. I also have a bowl of papers which have the names of all my flist (except a few who I don't feel like I know well enough yet) and I draw eight of those and pray over them as well (but don't keep them in my mind because I think I'd forget some if I tried to keep that many at a time).

So far this has been a wonderful motivation for me to meditate, because I feel like the universe can tell me who most needs some divine attention (or just love from me) and then I can act on that ♥ (and! they're so pretty, I just love looking at them! glass+glitter+color = love) I love how they each feel so true to me; like a little connection to you.

I'm really filled with love for you all right now ♥ I feel so blessed to have people like you in my life! Thinking about you makes me just shake my head and glow in wonder... All of you are my learnsharers, my teacher/students. I love learning with you! I'm so glad you're with me on my journey.

(now for the actual subject of my post!) For months I'd had a plan in the back of my mind for a spiritual creative project -- prayer runes -- but it never felt like the right time to actually make them. I spent quite a few hours on them each day of the fast (as they had to dry between times so that the paper wouldn't melt), and since then I've been using them in my meditation/prayer time.

I made them for the people who've had some kind of major positive impact on my life, regardless of whether or not we are currently in contact or on good terms. ((for instance, "Michael?" is someone whose last name I never knew, who was the first violet spirit I ever met -- I'd never felt such an instant or deep connection before zir, and ze opened my eyes to the possibility of so many things. Have you ever met a stranger with whom your eyes LOCKED, you could not tear your gaze away, and you felt COMFORTABLE with such an intimate thing even while talking?)) There are at least two more people whom I love very much and want to add -- but I wanted to keep this to people who I'd made a real-time connection with, otherwise I'd have made a ton more. But I do have hopes to make new runes as you become more of a part of my life.

The colors aren't perfect, as I was using markers and couldn't layer/mix colors (and some of them melted a bit), but they're pretty close for the most part, in real life. (in my photos they're a bit off) The center color is what I see the person's spirit as; the middle color is the heart; and the outer color is the soul. ((explanation of what I mean by those words))



( photos )

I keep the bag in my sanctuary, and when I go in to meditate I draw two runes, place them on my altar, and pray for those two people. Throughout the day I keep them in my mind, praying over them and sending them love. I also have a bowl of papers which have the names of all my flist (except a few who I don't feel like I know well enough yet) and I draw eight of those and pray over them as well (but don't keep them in my mind because I think I'd forget some if I tried to keep that many at a time).

So far this has been a wonderful motivation for me to meditate, because I feel like the universe can tell me who most needs some divine attention (or just love from me) and then I can act on that ♥ (and! they're so pretty, I just love looking at them! glass+glitter+color = love) I love how they each feel so true to me; like a little connection to you.

I'm really filled with love for you all right now ♥ I feel so blessed to have people like you in my life! Thinking about you makes me just shake my head and glow in wonder... All of you are my learnsharers, my teacher/students. I love learning with you! I'm so glad you're with me on my journey.

(now for the actual subject of my post!) For months I'd had a plan in the back of my mind for a spiritual creative project -- prayer runes -- but it never felt like the right time to actually make them. I spent quite a few hours on them each day of the fast (as they had to dry between times so that the paper wouldn't melt), and since then I've been using them in my meditation/prayer time.

I made them for the people who've had some kind of major positive impact on my life, regardless of whether or not we are currently in contact or on good terms. ((for instance, "Michael?" is someone whose last name I never knew, who was the first violet spirit I ever met -- I'd never felt such an instant or deep connection before zir, and ze opened my eyes to the possibility of so many things. Have you ever met a stranger with whom your eyes LOCKED, you could not tear your gaze away, and you felt COMFORTABLE with such an intimate thing even while talking?)) There are at least two more people whom I love very much and want to add -- but I wanted to keep this to people who I'd made a real-time connection with, otherwise I'd have made a ton more. But I do have hopes to make new runes as you become more of a part of my life.

The colors aren't perfect, as I was using markers and couldn't layer/mix colors (and some of them melted a bit), but they're pretty close for the most part, in real life. (in my photos they're a bit off) The center color is what I see the person's spirit as; the middle color is the heart; and the outer color is the soul. ((explanation of what I mean by those words))



( photos )

I keep the bag in my sanctuary, and when I go in to meditate I draw two runes, place them on my altar, and pray for those two people. Throughout the day I keep them in my mind, praying over them and sending them love. I also have a bowl of papers which have the names of all my flist (except a few who I don't feel like I know well enough yet) and I draw eight of those and pray over them as well (but don't keep them in my mind because I think I'd forget some if I tried to keep that many at a time).

So far this has been a wonderful motivation for me to meditate, because I feel like the universe can tell me who most needs some divine attention (or just love from me) and then I can act on that ♥ (and! they're so pretty, I just love looking at them! glass+glitter+color = love) I love how they each feel so true to me; like a little connection to you.

( ramblings about art, the sacred, and money )

I just ordered some supplies for the vials so I'm not starting quite yet, but I'm compiling the info so that I know what I need to get (and so that it can be swirling in my spirit). So Nea, Laura, Jenny, i_come_undone, girlstandstill, Kori, SabR, Angie, Sidhe, and Hosanna, I still need info from you, especially you first few because you're at the beginning of the list (I'm doing first the 4 who kept coming to mind, then in order of when you commented).

The nature of these vials is temporary -- that is, they're meant to create an effect in your life, and once you outgrow the need for that effect, they'll no longer be 'potent.' Obviously you can still wear them for their beauty, but they are not meant to express who you are so much as to draw things TO you. I ask for the colors/symbols/words you resonate with because that gives an anchor to you, but I may include things that you don't necessarily resonate with at the moment. For instance, right now I might wear a vial with blue in it for tranquility and moving house (I might be moving soon and my life seems filled with upheaval), but blue is not at all one of my colors. I just want to specify this so that you won't be disappointed if the vial does not perfectly reflect who you are.

( ramblings about art, the sacred, and money )

I just ordered some supplies for the vials so I'm not starting quite yet, but I'm compiling the info so that I know what I need to get (and so that it can be swirling in my spirit). So Nea, Laura, Jenny, i_come_undone, girlstandstill, Kori, SabR, Angie, Sidhe, and Hosanna, I still need info from you, especially you first few because you're at the beginning of the list (I'm doing first the 4 who kept coming to mind, then in order of when you commented).

The nature of these vials is temporary -- that is, they're meant to create an effect in your life, and once you outgrow the need for that effect, they'll no longer be 'potent.' Obviously you can still wear them for their beauty, but they are not meant to express who you are so much as to draw things TO you. I ask for the colors/symbols/words you resonate with because that gives an anchor to you, but I may include things that you don't necessarily resonate with at the moment. For instance, right now I might wear a vial with blue in it for tranquility and moving house (I might be moving soon and my life seems filled with upheaval), but blue is not at all one of my colors. I just want to specify this so that you won't be disappointed if the vial does not perfectly reflect who you are.

( ramblings about art, the sacred, and money )

I just ordered some supplies for the vials so I'm not starting quite yet, but I'm compiling the info so that I know what I need to get (and so that it can be swirling in my spirit). So Nea, Laura, Jenny, i_come_undone, girlstandstill, Kori, SabR, Angie, Sidhe, and Hosanna, I still need info from you, especially you first few because you're at the beginning of the list (I'm doing first the 4 who kept coming to mind, then in order of when you commented).

The nature of these vials is temporary -- that is, they're meant to create an effect in your life, and once you outgrow the need for that effect, they'll no longer be 'potent.' Obviously you can still wear them for their beauty, but they are not meant to express who you are so much as to draw things TO you. I ask for the colors/symbols/words you resonate with because that gives an anchor to you, but I may include things that you don't necessarily resonate with at the moment. For instance, right now I might wear a vial with blue in it for tranquility and moving house (I might be moving soon and my life seems filled with upheaval), but blue is not at all one of my colors. I just want to specify this so that you won't be disappointed if the vial does not perfectly reflect who you are.

Day before yesterday I was up for 29 hours, then I went to sleep for about 19 hours. My schedule is so insane because I have SO MUCH going on, emotionally. I haven't been able to catch up mentally, which is why I haven't been able to write about it in any real way. Now thanks to many many dreams last night, I feel emotionally caught up but there is a new development that makes me uncertain all over again, and I am waiting to see what happens before I pour it all out. Sorry for the crypticness, I think you'll understand when I finally make that megapost.

I've been communicating so much lately (phone, IM, email) -- more in the past two weeks than in the rest of this year combined. It feels really good, like a dam broke and all of this connection is flowing into and through me. So many possibilities, so much hope, so much newness.

I also seem to be changing shape; I think from a combination of using the HealthRider and just using so much emotional energy that my body is burning more fuel. The best thing is that I'm starting to feel muscles in my midsection, legs, and arms (on the inside, not the outside). I feel so much stronger, so fast! It feels good.

You know the amazing artist I posted about a while back, Willow Jenkinson? She is framing and sending me Devotion to the Matron as a gift! I loved it so much I wanted to buy it, but she offered it as a gift and I wasn't about to say no. The COLORS! The FACES! It's absolutely my favorite of her pieces so far. AND I GET TO OWN IT. THE ORIGINAL. It's going in my sanctuary ♥

I might be meeting Ava in two weeks. I'm trying not to get excited until the tickets are bought but -- I'm excited anyway, can't help it!

Also, I've been meaning to post about this for a long time -- I met Kimberley (darkpool), Jason (thesaj), and Aranatha (babythyme) at the end of February! Kimberley is one of my oldest LJ friends -- I 'met' her in April, 2004. About a year later I LJ-met Jason, and a year after that they got married, and about a year after that, Aranatha was born. (okay, enough timelining) They came into Atlanta for a conference and gave me the opportunity to finally meet them!

I was surprised on meeting Kimberley because her writing style can come across as formal and reserved, but in person she's SO bubbly! I know that if we lived close we'd spend a lot of time together. And I'd spend a lot of time babysitting too, because Aranatha is absolutely the most adorable child EVER. She was so HAPPY, smiling and cooing all the time! I could not stop grinning because she just radiated the most pure joy I've ever seen! I wanted to go move in with Kimberley and Jason and be their nanny, haha. And Jason was so outspoken and free -- I found it very interesting to listen to him rant about this and that, and rant along with him *giggles* My poor partner was a little overwhelmed by 1) new people 2) new places, and 3) loud conversation!

( the adventure of meeting them, and photos! )

Day before yesterday I was up for 29 hours, then I went to sleep for about 19 hours. My schedule is so insane because I have SO MUCH going on, emotionally. I haven't been able to catch up mentally, which is why I haven't been able to write about it in any real way. Now thanks to many many dreams last night, I feel emotionally caught up but there is a new development that makes me uncertain all over again, and I am waiting to see what happens before I pour it all out. Sorry for the crypticness, I think you'll understand when I finally make that megapost.

I've been communicating so much lately (phone, IM, email) -- more in the past two weeks than in the rest of this year combined. It feels really good, like a dam broke and all of this connection is flowing into and through me. So many possibilities, so much hope, so much newness.

I also seem to be changing shape; I think from a combination of using the HealthRider and just using so much emotional energy that my body is burning more fuel. The best thing is that I'm starting to feel muscles in my midsection, legs, and arms (on the inside, not the outside). I feel so much stronger, so fast! It feels good.

You know the amazing artist I posted about a while back, Willow Jenkinson? She is framing and sending me Devotion to the Matron as a gift! I loved it so much I wanted to buy it, but she offered it as a gift and I wasn't about to say no. The COLORS! The FACES! It's absolutely my favorite of her pieces so far. AND I GET TO OWN IT. THE ORIGINAL. It's going in my sanctuary ♥

I might be meeting Ava in two weeks. I'm trying not to get excited until the tickets are bought but -- I'm excited anyway, can't help it!

Also, I've been meaning to post about this for a long time -- I met Kimberley (darkpool), Jason (thesaj), and Aranatha (babythyme) at the end of February! Kimberley is one of my oldest LJ friends -- I 'met' her in April, 2004. About a year later I LJ-met Jason, and a year after that they got married, and about a year after that, Aranatha was born. (okay, enough timelining) They came into Atlanta for a conference and gave me the opportunity to finally meet them!

I was surprised on meeting Kimberley because her writing style can come across as formal and reserved, but in person she's SO bubbly! I know that if we lived close we'd spend a lot of time together. And I'd spend a lot of time babysitting too, because Aranatha is absolutely the most adorable child EVER. She was so HAPPY, smiling and cooing all the time! I could not stop grinning because she just radiated the most pure joy I've ever seen! I wanted to go move in with Kimberley and Jason and be their nanny, haha. And Jason was so outspoken and free -- I found it very interesting to listen to him rant about this and that, and rant along with him *giggles* My poor partner was a little overwhelmed by 1) new people 2) new places, and 3) loud conversation!

( the adventure of meeting them, and photos! )

Day before yesterday I was up for 29 hours, then I went to sleep for about 19 hours. My schedule is so insane because I have SO MUCH going on, emotionally. I haven't been able to catch up mentally, which is why I haven't been able to write about it in any real way. Now thanks to many many dreams last night, I feel emotionally caught up but there is a new development that makes me uncertain all over again, and I am waiting to see what happens before I pour it all out. Sorry for the crypticness, I think you'll understand when I finally make that megapost.

I've been communicating so much lately (phone, IM, email) -- more in the past two weeks than in the rest of this year combined. It feels really good, like a dam broke and all of this connection is flowing into and through me. So many possibilities, so much hope, so much newness.

I also seem to be changing shape; I think from a combination of using the HealthRider and just using so much emotional energy that my body is burning more fuel. The best thing is that I'm starting to feel muscles in my midsection, legs, and arms (on the inside, not the outside). I feel so much stronger, so fast! It feels good.

You know the amazing artist I posted about a while back, Willow Jenkinson? She is framing and sending me Devotion to the Matron as a gift! I loved it so much I wanted to buy it, but she offered it as a gift and I wasn't about to say no. The COLORS! The FACES! It's absolutely my favorite of her pieces so far. AND I GET TO OWN IT. THE ORIGINAL. It's going in my sanctuary ♥

I might be meeting Ava in two weeks. I'm trying not to get excited until the tickets are bought but -- I'm excited anyway, can't help it!

Also, I've been meaning to post about this for a long time -- I met Kimberley (darkpool), Jason (thesaj), and Aranatha (babythyme) at the end of February! Kimberley is one of my oldest LJ friends -- I 'met' her in April, 2004. About a year later I LJ-met Jason, and a year after that they got married, and about a year after that, Aranatha was born. (okay, enough timelining) They came into Atlanta for a conference and gave me the opportunity to finally meet them!

I was surprised on meeting Kimberley because her writing style can come across as formal and reserved, but in person she's SO bubbly! I know that if we lived close we'd spend a lot of time together. And I'd spend a lot of time babysitting too, because Aranatha is absolutely the most adorable child EVER. She was so HAPPY, smiling and cooing all the time! I could not stop grinning because she just radiated the most pure joy I've ever seen! I wanted to go move in with Kimberley and Jason and be their nanny, haha. And Jason was so outspoken and free -- I found it very interesting to listen to him rant about this and that, and rant along with him *giggles* My poor partner was a little overwhelmed by 1) new people 2) new places, and 3) loud conversation!

( the adventure of meeting them, and photos! )