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belenen

April 2021

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Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.

belenen: (Default)
I blocked my own self with guilt
icon: "overwhelmed (the character Keenan from "Playing By Heart," with hands over their face covering their eyes and head tilted back)"

I have posted an average of once a month since October. Part of this was the deep depression I was in (which is starting to lift now) but most of it was just guilt at not replying to comments and not commenting on people's posts. I kept thinking that if I didn't let myself post until I commented, I would comment but clearly that isn't working. So I need to just face the fact that I am not going to do it, and hope that y'all still value me posting, or else my relationship with LJ is going to die and stay dead.

Please do feel free to unfriend me if this is upsetting to you because I don't want to be upsetting people every time I post. I just can't manage a good reciprocal relationship here. I wish I had the executive function to comment, but I just don't. That doesn't mean I don't value your posts because I really do, I just get lost in the context switch between reading and replying.

Does the new friends feed offer the ability to comment from your actual friends page without opening a new tab? if it does I may switch, because that would be immensely helpful.

I'm going to try to post every day for 22 days to get back in the habit.


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belenen: (Default)
new LJ goal: brevity
icon: "writing (a relief carving of Seshat, overlaid with my fractal "Colorflight")"

I have over 25 work-in-progress posts on my phone because I get so nitpicky perfectionist about them and when they are 2 sentences from done I end up leaving them for like a month. I also have a weird block about not posting things until they get a certain length, and I make most of my posts too long. So I am going to try to break them up more and hopefully this will result in me posting more often.


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belenen: (Default)
Relationship update post: heather, cass, serenity, kylei, allison, quinn, sande, topaz, anika...
icon: "overwhelmed (the character Keenan from "Playing By Heart," with hands over their face covering their eyes and head tilted back)"

It's been over 6 months since I last did this... I have dealt with a lot of loss, but some healing has happened in some relationships too.


I don't think I posted about Heather and Cass. Cass did something I find profoundly unethical and harmful and then refused to take responsibility or make change, and Heather supported Cass in that choice, so I'm not friends with either of them any more. If I can't trust someone to be ethical, I'm sure as hell not going to invest in them. I consider Cass an unsafe person and I don't say that lightly. I couldn't post about it because it was still in semi-active conflict until a few months ago, and I just haven't known how much to explain. But I'm just going to leave it at that, so this can stay public. If you are connected to them and feel you need more details let me know and I will figure out if there is more I can share privately.

I find the loss of Heather so huge and intense that it makes me a little nauseated to think of it and I have mostly been avoiding thinking about it. Heather has been a major force in my life for years and I had expected that she would always be. But for me, if you value maintaining your connection with someone over holding them to a standard of bare decency, that's a fundamental difference that I can't get over. If my most cherished person did what Cass did I would have told them "act better or get out of my life." I have broken up with people for far milder breaches of my core values (usually lying). I just don't value loyalty above ethics, ever, and I can't understand or empathize with that choice.


I made two plans with Kylei in September; the first time we went to Fernbank Forest (an old-growth forest in the middle of Atlanta) and just walked around and talked. Kylei expressed that they now appreciate that I was trying to warn them that they were getting lost / burnt out, and I was glad they said that because it made me feel trusted again and like they value my input. Near the end of our walk Topaz met up with us and then the 3 of us went to my favorite organic vegetarian-friendly restaurant. We laughed a lot and it felt so nourishing and healing after the painful, wrenching fall-out due to their breakdown at the end of 2016.

Soon after we made another plan; I went to their house and we just hung out and talked a lot and ate and cuddled. (Cuddles make connecting so much easier for me. When I can't cuddle someone I feel like I have to be "proper" in a way, like there is a barrier between us. I am really frustrated that that is true but it's not getting any less true.) It is a testament to my social overwhelm that I only realized from writing this that it has been three months since then and we have yet to make another plan. We've texted a little bit since then and while we may not be super close right now, I feel we have healed the rift and I am really happy about that. Kylei is coming to Solstice and I'm so glad.



Serenity and I haven't really talked in months, mainly because I never want to talk when I am at home and both of us are rarely up for making plans to go out lately. I've also realized that I really need to live alone for at least a year, because the amount of social I have to give to work is still near my max capabilities after a year of adjustment. So I talked with them about it and they said they'd work on finding a new place for them and Lily.

I think if I am able to spend one stretch of at least 18 hours each week with no risk of human interaction, I will be much more capable of many things. I really want to have more active local connections but I always have to initiate, and I only have so much energy, so I need to increase that energy. Other than with Topaz I haven't planned one-on-one friend-time in the past 2.5 months. I was doing pretty good at twice a month until it started getting cold and dark.



At some point this summer I met with Katie, which was delightful but bittersweet because I found out they were moving, and then before I even realized it they were already gone (in October). I was disappointed with myself for not reaching out again and missing the opportunity to see them again before they left. I feel such a strong connection to them but because they are not connected to anyone else I know (which would keep them in my peripheral vision, so to speak) I keep forgetting to reach out.

In August I did get to meet a new friend for coffee (the one I thought was gonna be my writing buddy earlier this year). As usual it was great for sparking new thought pathways but we haven't really talked since then. Unfortunately when it is extra lovely to spend time with someone, I am extra disheartened when they vanish, though I know logically I shouldn't be. And it is hard for me to believe someone enjoys my company if they never request it -- and then if I don't think they want to, I'm not going to try to change their mind.



I've been having a little more regular interaction with Anika via text since we started prompting each other at the beginning of October. I appreciate the creative push and the sense of shared reflection, and I like that I feel more connected to them and to LJ. I'm glad that they texted me when I did my "I'm drunk ask me questions" thing at the beginning of September. We talked out a good bit from the last friend break-up though I'm still hazy on a good bit too; ultimately it lead to such a lovely thing (for me at least, and I hope for them), being able to write again.



Evelyn reached out recently which was surprising. I was pleased for a minute but then they didn't reply to my response so I guess they're still not up for time together or anything like that. Ah well, at least I didn't get my hopes up this time and have to deal with a crash. Doing better about managing my expectations there.


With several friends I think there is a lot of emotional support they need that I feel kinda bad that I can't provide but at the same time, I don't have the emotional stamina to do more than two social things a month right now so it's probably best. I know me, I'd shoot for the moon and land in a pile of cactus, damage myself getting out, and then be useless for months. I've become much more protective of myself than I used to be and it is becoming easier to acknowledge and center my own needs in my life. I look back on the amount of emotional labor I used to do as a matter of course and it's like that was a different person because I so can't imagine doing that. It looks like torture.


My lover's grandmother went into the hospital 2 days before thanksgiving and died the Sunday after. I feel for Topaz and their family about the timing, because they all value that holiday, but I feel glad for Memaw about how wonderful her last day was. She got to go home, see all her friends and family, have ice cream, and get fussed over. I'm sorry that I wasn't there because I would have liked to say goodbye but at least I do feel sure that she knew I loved her.



My relationship with Topaz is better than ever, same as last time I wrote about our relationship. I marvel over it often. We just passed our 5 year mark. I am so fucking lucky! I'm amazed that a single relationship can be simultaneously so comforting and so growthful. It's like getting into a ideal-temperature bath and relaxing and then getting out and realizing all of your muscles have been worked out. It's like taking a super-comfortable nap and waking up feeling like you had a 3-course meal of perfectly-prepared nutrition. The only drawback is that being with Topaz is addicting so it's easy for me to default to spending all my free time with them, which leaves no time for other friends and alone time. I have to be careful about it, but luckily they are very supportive of that. When I say I need time alone, they help me stick to my decision by actively encouraging me.



I didn't have any one-on-one friend time in November but I did make a group plan with Allison and Topaz -- we went to the Fernbank forest which was gorgeous and amazing as always. I really adore Allison and I like the feel of hanging out with them and Topaz together a lot because the conversation is very lively and I can interrupt without anyone going silent, and I can talk unedited without any fear that if I mis-speak I won't be able to fix it. And I can just listen and not be bored because the conversation stays meaningful and creative. Earlier this year the three of us watched the eclipse together which was the perfect experience for that! I loved all the joy and wonder we shared.



In September I made a plan with Sande; we went out to an Ethiopian restaurant and ate and talked and it was a nourishing communion though I felt guilty that my brain was so fried I could only hang out for a little over an hour. Sande has accomplished so many major life changes in the past year that it is amazing and definitely impressive. I'm hoping we can spend more time together in the future.



In October, SAD hit and I didn't manage anything until the very end of the month when I made a plan with Quinn; they brought a project up to my house and we crafted together. (I had invited Serenity and Sande as well but they couldn't go) I interact with Quinn probably more than anyone else except Topaz because we send our snapchats directly to each other and chat responses (mostly about cats). They've become a real bright spot in my life and I'm glad to be building a friendship with them.


I talked with Allison, Sande, and Quinn about doing a twice-monthly creative gather and we planned the first one already! I reached out to them because they are the locals that I feel like are most likely to really show up -- but even if it's just me and one other person some weeks, that will keep me motivated. I really hope this will help me to work on my long-term creative projects which always feel too big and I hope I can develop closer connections with them through this also. I'm going to start creating a book from my LJ. Every time I think about this I get a nervous-happy flutter in my chest, which I have never gotten for a creative project before. I've been super happy before, but never this fear-spark anticipatory.

My relationship with my body is decidedly better. I have been eating more often instead of fasting all day and having one uncomfortably large meal; I have been getting about 6 hours of sleep on work nights which is not ideal but is worlds better than the 4-5 hours I was getting; and I have been power-walking while wearing a heavy backpack 2 to 3 hours / 4 to 6 miles per week. I already feel much stronger and more myself, after just 2 weeks (I started 3 weeks ago but skipped a week during vacation). This weekend I got myself a mi band (a $30 version of the fitbit) and I'm excited about being able to track my activity and heart rate. I am so motivated by creating charts and graphs that it's ridic.

My relationship with my inner self is also much improved by the amount of writing I have been doing lately. I love riding the bus because it is far easier for me to concentrate on writing or reading LJ there than it is at home!


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belenen: (Default)
my self-labels, part 3: atheist Quaker spiritualist, energy-weaver, color/light worshipper...
icon: "spiritual (a photo of a snow leopard with (edited) violet eyes staring straight into the camera)"

What are the parts of your identity that you have labels for? (list and then define)

Part 3: my heart and spirit parts.

How I understand the world and express myself (heart): these are parts of me that form my lens for understanding myself and my tools for expressing myself.


atheist / nontheist Quaker spiritualist


I'll work backwards on this one: I am a spiritualist because I believe in finding meaning in things that are objectively meaningless. If I find a perfectly heart-shaped rock, I choose to assign the meaning that I am on the right path and the universe is affirming me. If I find a phallus-shaped mushroom, I choose to assign the meaning that a benificent magical being is jokingly reminding me of a dream I had once. If I want to make a change in my life I will write a spell and chant it because when I do that, I get what I asked for -- I don't care how it works and I'm not gonna disbelieve in my own experience. I don't care if these meanings only exist for me.

I'm a Quaker because I believe that everyone has the ability to find truth and create meaning. I value the same things that Quakers do, particularly equality and community. I love that Quakers literally will put their bodies on the line for equality, and are careful to consider it in their organizing: it's not just lip service. I love that Quakers believe in consensus decision-making and reject the practice of outsourcing their responsibility to a leader, whether religious or political. I feel very nourished by the Quaker practice of unprogrammed communal worship/meditation with optional sharing (if someone has a realization which may be helpful to others).

Technically I believe in what I call gods, but what I think many would not. I believe in ideas as forces of their own, which are created by shared thought. Sometimes these ideas can feel very person-like and some people can interact with them in beneficial or harmful ways; I call these deities. Deliberate worship is the most effective way to make one but it can be done accidentally, and most often is. I think the flying spaghetti monster has been made pretty real, which is hilarious. Other accidentally-created gods are every person depicted on money, many military leaders, everyone who has had multiple biographies written about them (including and especially hitler), the victoria's secret angel (who people worship by torturing their own bodies) and infinite others, some living only for a few weeks.

I choose to worship certain deities that I resonate with, and I have had strange and wondrous things happen as a result. I don't care if I am making it up and it is not true for anyone else: it is true for me and I like it, so I retain it. Deity worship is not a pillar of my belief system but it is a very soft warm rug that I sometimes lay on.

So if I believe in gods, by my definition, why am I an atheist? This one evolved very recently - as in, after I started writing this post. I was talking with a friend about why they don't consider me a theist, and why atheism is an important perspective, and that made me realize something new to me. Previously when discussing this I got stuck on the fact that I don't think there is anything inherently wrong in believing in gods, but while that is true it doesn't mean there is no harm done. An appeal to authority reinforces all appealing to authority, which I do not want to do. Since I think that I both believe and don't believe in gods, I have a choice to make identity-wise and I choose the anti-authority identity. I'm not yet sure if non-theist or atheist is more true of me, so I will keep both for now.



energy-weaver


This relates to my spirituality: I sense idea-things in and on people that I can interact with if I choose to. Sometimes this is highly metaphysical; I might feel a string tied around someone's wrist or a shard in someone's energy center, when those don't exist in a visual reality. Sometimes it is more physical; I might feel static 'in' someone's head when they have a bad headache, or I might feel body parts that don't physically exist (one of my exes had dragon wings).

Weaving energy is when I do something like take the shard out of someone, or pet their wings. Some people can feel this when I do it, even when they have their eyes closed. People have told me that my energy weaving has eased their physical pain or soothed their emotional distress. One person thought I put a heated pad on them when it was just my hands. Another told me that I made a migraine go away at a point where medication usually would not work. An insomniac fell asleep as I worked on them. I haven't yet tried it on anyone who couldn't feel it, though it varies in effectiveness.



color/light worshipper


Light was my first word, and my first love. Color is an illusion created by the absorption of light, so I love it as an expression of light. I love light and color very much, and for me it ascends to worship because I make it a central aspect of how I design my space, clothe my body, and choose and customize my companion objects (like my water bottle and car). I also worship by creating art: light through photography and color through mixed media and digital art.

I also worship light through awed contemplation: I gaze at reflections and refractions of light, especially colored light. I love everything that glows in the dark. I love fairy lights and black lights and color-changey lights. I love everything that glows or shimmers, everything transparent and colorful. Glass connects to this because of the way it can hold light, cradle it, focus it, split it, direct it. I love all transparent glass and to a lesser extent translucent glass.



photographer


To me, a photographer is someone who documents life for the sake of memory and/or sharing truth or beauty. So people who take photos for money are not necessarily people that I would call photographers. I am not as much of a photographer now as I was years ago, but I am trying to be. I am more myself when I am a photographer.



jewelry maker


I've been making beaded jewelry since I was about 8, and making complex, unique jewelry since I was introduced to nylon-coated flexible wire at 19 (15 years ago). I haven't done much of it in the past 3 years, but I am still very passionate about it and I generally don't wear or gift jewelry that I didn't make. I've played a little with natural stone beads but glass is my medium of choice. I make necklaces designed with reflected symmetry, with shape as much of a player as color and texture. I make earrings of many types but my favorite involve making a wire shape from which strands or chains dangle: I call these "chandelier" style earrings.



digital/fractal artist


I have been using photoshop since about 2004; I am extremely good at photo editing and am skilled at graphic design as well. I fell in love with fractals after discovering them on deviantart, and began making them myself in 2012. I identify as a fractal artist because I feel that I have a distinctive style to my fractals and I feel that I can express myself in fractals more than I can in any other medium. I identify as a digital artist because most of my photos are digital as well as my fractals and I do post-work that is also digital.



coffee clergyperson


I used to call myself a coffee snob or coffee geek but clergyperson is definitely more accurate. I know a lot -- a LOT -- about coffee and I love it dearly. The preparation ritual adds to it for me, whether I make it myself or go to a temple and pay for service. I have worked at a number of coffee temples and I have my own shrines at home, at work, and at Topaz'.


Inherently me (spirit); these are aspects of me that I think would always exist -- aspects which come from the truest part of me, which have existed as long as I was cognizant and which have never changed, even though I might not have specifically identified with them in the past. Everything else about me comes from these parts.


curious questioner


I think the very most core trait of mine is curiosity -- even more than justice, even more than love. One of the few stories that my parents tell about me as a child is when someone was reading a book to me and I asked "what's that?" so many times that the person reading to me got impatient and just started telling me before I had a chance to ask again.

I question everything and everyone as much as I can. Anyone who knows me at all, if you asked "who (among those you know) is the questioner?" I would instantly come to mind. Being asked questions -- real, meaningful questions that only I can answer where the person is invested in the answer -- makes me feel more loved than almost anything else.



growth-seeker


This is a key part of my identity because it informs everything I do. I seek to grow and learn in every way I can, at every opportunity. I made a decision to consciously develop into a continuously better self 19 years ago and I have maintained my success. I don't have any particular aim, as long as I can always look at last year's self and notice improvement.



content creator


It took me a while to realize that most people don't do this. All my in-person friends were crafty and all my internet friends were writers and mostly artists too, so when I randomly met someone who didn't create at all, I thought they were the oddity. I've since been exposed to more normates and I would guess that at least the majority of USians don't create anything at all.

But content creating is something so necessary to who I am and who I have always been, even since a child, that I don't feel capable of relating to someone who does not create anything. I mean, even creating memes and putting rhinestones on your phone case counts to me. Writing reviews about media counts, making meals from random ingredients counts. Creating solo I can relate to in a distant way but I relate best to people who create content that is intended for sharing, like LJ posts or artwork that they share online and/or in person.



critical analyst


I analyze everything, both personally and academically. I'm really talented and skilled at using data analysis programs, and I have an intuitive understanding of statistics and surveying. I make spreadsheets for fun. I really love analytics. I also believe in critiquing media and human behavior, and I do both pretty much constantly. I don't really have the ability to turn this off, and I find it baffling (and very unappealing) that others just absorb and experience without analyzing.



writer


I am a writer because I am not whole when I don't write. Writing is something I do to understand myself, to keep from losing important parts of me into the dark tangles of my memory, and to help others understand me, as well as to teach and explain things. I have come to the conclusion that if someone doesn't like writing/reading or isn't comfortable with reading/writing, it will be almost impossible for us to maintain closeness because so much of me is lost if a person tries to separate me from my LJ. In any lifetime with this level of sentience, I feel sure I would want to use shared symbols to record things I think, feel, and learn.


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belenen: (Default)
myth: how the Godde of water & the forest children saved the people from the Fear god & his priests
icon: "imperious (photo of me w imperious expression wearing "Red Queen" makeup: searingly red lips, darkened pointed eyebrows, black eyeliner, deep red & black eyeshadow accented with gold & silver, and black-outlined silver hearts & diamonds with red shadows on my cheeks)"

In a time of ancient Goddes, Witches, and Quings, there was a people who lived in joy and plenty. They worshiped the Godde of water, Upanasiel, who brought forth almost more fruit and vegetables than they could eat. They hardly had to tend their crops because their Godde cleared the sky to allow the plants bright sun every morning and then drenched the plants with rain every afternoon in the summer. If ever someone's seeds faltered or their plants were devoured by insects, it was easy for the others to share their extra to ensure that everyone had enough.

The people would shout in celebration when the rain began, as it washed away their sweat and cooled their skin. They would chant low with the gusts of the wind and dance with thumping feet. The adults would make jokes to each other about the resplendently fertile hills where Upanasiel shook out their hair every day, and the children would think they understood and laugh too. They would marvel to each other at the generosity of Upanasiel and always save some water for drinking the next hot morning before the rains came again.

In winter, they imagined that Upanasiel went into the mountain and danced there, causing the heart of the mountain to overflow. During the winter it never rained yet the streams were always more full than in the summer, and the water was always cold like it was in the caves on the mountain. Even though they never saw Upanasiel while the trees slept, the people felt the cold flow was a mark of their distant favor and care.

One winter while Upanasiel was away, another Godde and his priests came to visit the valley. They told the people that their joy was foolish and their trust naive: that life is not meant to be joy, but instead toil. Their Godde, who they said was stronger and cleverer than Upanasiel, demanded the sacrifice of sweat without respite and demanded worship without cause. Whenever the people would mention Upanasiel, the priests loudly chanted their Godde's name, Caparkhes, over and over until the people stopped. This was so annoying that the people stopped mentioning Upanasiel in any public gathering.

One day the people asked the priests, if Caparkhes was nearby at all times why couldn't anyone see him? The priests hurriedly shushed the people and said that Caparkhes became furious whenever someone doubted his presence, and would punish them. The people thought this was ridiculous -- what Godde wasn't pleased by curiosity? -- but they stopped asking. Everything they learned about this Godde made him seem like the most desperately posturing creature they could imagine. They didn't want to hurt his delicate feelings, silly though they may be.

But the next morning, they found a dairy animal dead by the river, and the morning after that a companion animal, and the morning after that a human child, without a mark on them or any sign as to how they died. The priests pointed and said "this is the wrath of Caparkhes." The people feared more death, and asked the priests what they could do to appease Caparkhes. The priests said they should cover their shamefully naked bodies with cloth. This seemed like a very silly waste of blankets and wall hangings but an easy enough task. They fashioned clothing for everyone and no one went naked any more, except deep in the forest where the priests would not go because of the tree-demons. They took Caparkhes' priests seriously now, because when they did not, more creatures would die in the same way.

Spring was coming, and some of the people quietly hoped that Upanasiel would return and cast out Caparkhes and his priests, who had begun to demand the finest and most of everything "for Caparkhes lest his wrath return." The winter stores had run out much sooner than usual with the priests demanding some sacrifices in flame, and some in their own bowls. The people had resorted to eating some of their saved seeds and roots. They thought surely Upanasiel will have a solution for this mess, and at least there would be new fruits again soon.

Upanasiel did come back, and joyously shook their hair across the sky and filled the wind with rain. The people were relieved, but afraid to praise too loud for fear that Caparkhes would punish them. They did not shout, or chant, or dance, but quietly planted and hoped. Upanasiel wondered at their silence, but faithfully blessed them each day as they had for generations. After months went by with still not a song or shout or thump, Upanasiel curiously sent part of themself the form of a companion animal and went to be among the people, to see if they could understand this new silence.

It was not a silence, up close. The people complained every day when the rains came. It plastered their clothes and made them feel sticky and miserable, and it did not cool them because the cloth held the heat in. They were just hot and wet and unhappy. And itchy, because the clothes didn't fully dry and fungus grew on their skin in the continuous damp. The people never felt comfortable except in the late heat of the morning when their clothes finally dried -- shortly before the rains came again. The people fought with each other over the most petty of issues in order to take their minds off of their incessant discomfort, distract themselves from their grief, and most of all to feel a sense of control through winning, though they never won anything that mattered and they put cracks in all their relationships. They put up blocks against the rain and wind and hid inside like mice, which made them more dry but also more restless. Without dancing their bodies never felt satisfied. Without chanting they never felt unified. Without thumping they never felt resonance with the earth.

Upanasiel was horrified and heartbroken to see their people so crushed, and was tempted to immediately fry the priests like the gristle that they were. But the people had lost control of their own lives, and to intervene as a deity would doom them to a future of always looking outside themselves for the solution. Upanasiel knew the people had to uncover the lies that the priests had told, so Upanasiel looked for a truth-seeker, one who had not stopped questioning the validity of Caparkhes. The adults were all too fearful. In this small and closely connected valley, every adult had lost at least one child they loved to the tantrums of Caparkhes. No one could bear to lose another, and they did not realize they were gradually losing them all.

Upanasiel sat by the forest, and waited for a child to come. Someone who was not yet so afraid of the priests that they would forsake the trees. Days passed, and still none had come. Upanasiel wondered if it was too late. At last, on midsummer's eve, a child approached in a silent sprint -- but they were not alone. They paused at the edge of the forest and whispered loudly "hurry up!" and another child rushed up the side of the hill. And another, and another. When there were eleven, they ran into the forest and yanked their clothes off, throwing them in a pile near the edge. Free, they ran around giggling in a stage whisper, playing, climbing, swinging, and dancing. Upanasiel shifted into a larger form, the shape of a companion animal but twice as large, and glimmering like moon-shadow. They walked into the path of the children and sat down. It didn't take long before all of the children were gathered around exclaiming quietly over their size and beauty, petting their dark cloudy fur that sparked gently with each stroke, and gazing at their mossy green face. Upanasiel spoke, not aloud but in their minds, and told them,

"You are the witches and quings your people need. Your only path to freedom in the daylight again will be difficult and dangerous. Will you do it anyway?" The children in their innocent sense of immortality quickly agreed. Upanasiel told them that most of them must be very quiet and very cautious, and three of them must be raucous and wild. The three loudest children immediately knew their task, and Upanasiel sent a smile in their minds. The others were assigned silence, two to each of the priests. "You must watch them constantly. Take turns sleeping; do not let them go unguarded. When you find their lies, steal the proof, bring it to the center-house and shout it loudly and repeatedly." To all the children, Upanasiel said "Do not fear Caparkhes. He is the smallest and greediest Godde but he has no power over life, only over fear."

The next afternoon as soon as the rain began, two children stripped off their clothes and ran squealing with laughter through the whole town, shouting "Caparkhes is a toddler who poops on himself! Poops on himself!" when they started to run out of breath it became "Caparkhes is poops Caparkhes poops Caparkhes poooooops!!!" The adults threatened and begged and cried, but the children had smeared their skin with oil and without clothing to grab on to, the adults could not catch them or stop them. The priests pinched their lips in angry little pouts and shook their heads, then looked to the sky and piously intoned "Father, forgive them!" The adults begged to do penance for the children, who were now hiding where no one could find them. The priests shrugged and frowned as if they worried and said there was nothing they could do but pray. So the adults all knelt and begged Caparkhes to spare their children. Upanasiel raged and snarled in livid frustration but waited for the children to finish their work.

That night, as the adults kept vigil, the children watched the priests. Three of them prayed with the adults, but one claimed exhaustion and went to his wind-rain block, to sleep. The two children assigned to watch him followed quietly just out of sight. He went into his shelter and soon the children heard snores. They looked at each other in disappointment and confusion, but waited anyway. After a little while the snores faded and the priest peeked out of his shelter. He skulked toward a nearby wind-rain block, a large vial clasped in one hand. The children instantly knew that the vial was the lie they were looking for -- why else would a priest who did every action at the top of his lungs be sneaking? They quickly whispered a plan. One of them ran up to the priest and hissed, "Caparkhes is made of vomit with shit for a tongue!" As the priest gasped in shock and fury, the other child snatched the vial from his hand and ran as fast as they could to the center-house, shrieking "I found the lie I found the lie I found the lie!"

When the child reached the center-house, still shrieking, everyone clamored to know what they were talking about. They held aloft the vial and said "we saw that priest taking this to where baby Efrina was sleeping!" Suddenly suspicious, one of the people's witches took the vial, opened and sniffed it, touched a finger to the cork and then to her tongue, then spat. "This is white-root!" she exclaimed. The people used white-root in a tea when someone was in a great deal of pain, because it slowed the blood and eased the senses. It grew far away and always alone, and it took a good amount for a small effect so it had never occurred to them that it could be used to kill. Seeing so much in the vial, it was suddenly very obvious what had happened to all their beloveds. They turned as one in unutterable fury towards the priests. One of the three who prayed said dismissively, "it can't possibly be what you think" as they all looked towards the elder priest. He stood frozen where the children had left him, but when the other priests looked at him he stiffened up and shouted "it was the will of Caparkhes! I am but a tool in the hand of the Almighty Godde!" The other priests looked at each other, stricken, as the adults snarled and surged towards the elder priest.

Upanasiel coalesced as a monstrous person, thrice as large as any human and glittering all over with dark stars. They clasped the elder priest in clawed hands and said in a thunderous voice with lightning flashing in their teeth, "Adults, hear me. Your punishment for your cowardice is to be denied your revenge. Your children suffered and died for your lack of resistance to these evil-mongers, and yet they who suffered rescued you. They will come with me and decide this one's fate, which you will not be permitted to know. Rather than vengeance, you must plan your vigilance, so that you will not fall prey to such lies again." Then children, elder priest, and Upanasiel vanished.

The adults looked at the remaining priests, all of whom lay prostrate and sobbing, two having soiled themselves, and they turned away in disgust. They ripped off their clothing and tore down their wind-rain blocks. They bathed in the rain and began to feel hope again. They gathered and began to plan against any future lies or attempts to control through fear.

When the remaining priests had gathered themselves and realized that their god was not one worthy of worship and that they had permitted atrocious acts in his name, they begged the adults to allow them to worship Upanasiel. The adults shook their heads in bafflement at the idea that it was their decision, and the priests took this as a rejection and left, whining and sniping at each other about whose fault it was. They were never heard from again.

Away in the forest, Upanasiel asked the children what the fate of the elder priest should be. They discussed it among themselves and after lively shouting, decided that the elder priest should be made into a sapling and planted in the center of the valley. Upanasiel was deeply pleased and asked for an explanation. The child who thought it up replied "because all life can be useful and trees give so much for so long. And being without the power to control anyone will be torture at first and then maybe transform his soul into a useful one too. So it's a punishment but also a cure." Upanasiel beamed and said that they would do this, but a little more sneakily to fool the adults. They turned the elder priest into a seed, handed him to the idea-child, and told all the children to speak truth to the lies when they returned to the center.

Back in the center of the valley, the idea-child held up a seed and said, "this is a symbol from Upanasiel of what we must all be! Rooted in earth, open to the wind, grateful for the rain, and as strong as a tree in resistance to any being who seeks to control others." The child bent and pressed the seed against the ground and Upanasiel grew it into a five-year sapling right before their eyes. The other children each took turns explaining what lies the people had accepted from the evil-mongers and what they must forever resist. Now the day after Summer Solstice is forever a day of planting, being grateful for rain, and dismantling lies.

Later, of course, when the curious adults begged to know what became of the murderer, Upanasiel took pity and told them. Because any decent Godde values curiosity.


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belenen: (Default)
met a new friend who has agreed to share writing catalysis and efflorescence with me!
icon: "hopeful (close-up photo of me wearing cat-eye makeup, jewels on my cheek, and a violet glitter goatee. I'm gazing off to the side with a hopeful smile.)"

Yesterday, I met a super-lovely person for coffee. We'd met in vague and indirect ways and had made like three plans that didn't work out, so I was feeling worried that they'd be annoyed with me but apparently they had the same worry, and weren't annoyed with me at all. We talked about books and tv shows, work and school, coding and writing. They also seem to be in love with learning and dedicated to growth. The last time we had interacted was at a gather that was about queering relationships: dismantling the idea of romance as some singular thing, or a thing only for monogamous or allosexual people. I don't remember anything that was said of course, but I remember thinking "ah, you do friendship like me!" and shortly after that was when I reached out. I think we could be great friends and I really hope they have the time & energy & inclination to build a connection with me.

They write in a style similar to how I write here (at least it seems similar to me from the two posts of theirs I have read). I was talking about how my relationship to LJ had been messed up by the server move and subsequent exodus, and how I felt really out of sorts that I hadn't been writing. How my memory is such that if I keep no record, it is as if the time never happened. They listened sympathetically and when I mentioned needing at least one person that I felt was specifically anticipating my posts, they suggested we be writing buddies. I had been thinking about this but considered it too much to ask of someone when I'm already not an easy friend, so I was very excited and relieved and hopeful that they suggested it. They mentioned needing a structure in order to follow through which was also encouraging to me as I need the same. We decided to post on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, and to take turns coming up with prompts that we both write on. I am nervous but this could be really an amazing shift for me. Even the idea is so encouraging that I was able today to just sit down and write this out without having some major need to express myself on the topic.


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belenen: (rainbowarrior)
22 months writing image descriptions: 4 awesome side-effects / resources & explanation of the need
icon: "rainbowarrior (me, face at a sharp angle, staring boldly with a streak of rainbow light falling on the side of my face, through my eye to light up the pupil so that it looks like its glowing)"

After 22 months of using image descriptions, I've noticed some great side-effects:
  1. I notice things more. When I write an image description, I have to really look at the image multiple times, and most of the time I realize aspects that before I would never have brought to my consciousness. In this way I get to look at it for the first time twice. It's a great mind-sensation. This used to happen for me when I edited photos I took, but now I can have it for any image whether I created it or not.

  2. I've grown far better skill at describing things. I have to figure out what is important for meaning and feeling, and put that into words. I have come to be much more aware of lighting, textures, and mood.

  3. I am more intentional in what I share of both my own and others' images. There is a bit more work to sharing things, so I don't just click 'share' on any image I come across that I like. Instead, my feed ends up being weighted toward original content. I value creation deeply and am grateful that that little bit of extra work keeps me from ever getting in the habit of merely re-sharing others' content.

  4. It has made me more expressive. Rather than popping in an emoticon, I have resurrected the art of emoting: I will type *smiles* or *excited bouncing* and this is oddly far more vulnerable and makes me feel far more connected.

Even if I didn't have great side-effects AND I had no friends who were blind or low-vision, this would still be very important for two reasons. 1) I make public posts, and many people who I am not friends with can observe my shares. 2) To make the web accessible, EVERYONE has to do this. More than 1 out of every 50 people in the US has a visual disability (and that number quadruples when you don't count children under age 16) which makes it likely that some of your friends or at least some of your friends-of-friends have a visual disability. I use image descriptions partly to influence sighted people to start writing them also and stop excluding blind & low-vision people by default.

Len Burns, a blind facebook user, writes:
"As one who strives to fully participate in community, I value what you communicate. Each time I am excluded from your conversations because a photo is undescribed, stings. When the "sting" is multiplied hundreds of times per day, I feel excluded and unvalued. Plain and simply, it hurts like hell... If inclusion matters to you, really matters, describe the next photo you post, the one after that, and before you know, it will become a habit. Choosing not to describe a photo or consider the accessibility of other media you plan to use does not differ from ignoring physical barriers that exclude people from community. Exclusion is exclusion. If inclusion is a core value, please think before you post. Thank you."

This past March the official twitter app gave users the ability to add image descriptions, but you have to enable this in the accessibility settings. This allows users to give descriptions that are just for screenreaders (which otherwise would take up the whole tweet). This is a great first step, but people have to be proactive, and the fact that it is an option rather than a requirement reinforces the idea that access for blind/low-vision people isn't important.

A few weeks after twitter released this, facebook released AAT (Automatic Alternative Text), which is nearly useless, as Tasha Raella explains:
"I am a blind Facebook user, and examples of image descriptions I have received so far include 'Image may contain indoor,' 'image may contain one person smiling,' and 'image may contain hat.' ... Rather than questioning the assumption that providing image descriptions is a burden and that blind people’s access needs are blind people’s problem, Facebook is reinforcing the ableist status quo...

As it is currently implemented, Facebook’s automated image description tool promotes independence, rather than interdependence. It sends the message, loud and clear, 'Don’t bother writing a description of your new baby. Our AI has it covered.' In ten or twenty years, that might be the case, but not now. With existing technology, the only way to ensure full and meaningful access to images is to encourage sighted users to describe their photos."
I heartily encourage you to begin writing image descriptions, at least in any shared space such as facebook groups or LJ communities. They don't have to be fancy; something like "[image: photo of dog with a bone]" or "[image: cartoon of two kids holding hands]" is just fine. I use more in-depth description when I'm describing art such as my icons. I could also describe my icon for this post as "photo: my face" and while a blind person would not get the feel of the image from that, they would get the information that I am using an image of myself to introduce this post, and that might give a variety of impressions, depending on how they interpret that act. Such a bare-bones description at least gives the most basic info.

Some resources on writing image descriptions:


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belenen: (writing)
haikus I wrote and shared over the years...
icon: "writing (a relief carving of Seshat, overlaid with my fractal "Colorflight")"


2009, 2010, 2012, 2013 )
connecting: ,


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belenen: (progressing)
goals for 2015: investing time/energy in art, writing, spirituality, friendships, community, bravery
icon: "progressing (the verdant tunnel of love in Klevan, Ukraine)"

So my personal new year starts at various times -- sometimes November 13 (my spiritual birthday), sometimes on Solstice, sometimes on USian New Years. This year I did a burning-release on Solstice so this has felt like a sort of gestational period for the new year, as when I've had a chance I've been thinking about what I want to accomplish with my next year. Obviously I want to graduate school, but that's just a required hoop I have to jump through and isn't personally meaningful. I'll be relieved because I no longer have to put as much of my progress in other people's hands and because I can start making money, something I've never really done before. The most I've ever made in a month was like $850, and that was a fluke.

Anyway, I'm setting some goals, minimum intentions below, not ordered by importance to me:

500 photos taken that I like.
365 instances of unprompted openness.
365 days of keeping up with text responses at least once daily.
365 days of taking one cellphone snapshot daily.
303 days that include a spiritual practice, aiming for early in the day.
252 LJ entries.
88 love bank entries.
77 fractals.
55 dreams recorded.
55 artworks created.
55 intuitions recorded.
55 days of reading a spiritual book.
44 me-initiated text conversations with KWT, Abby, Anika, Kat, Allison, Jaime (each).
44 me-initiated fb messages to Heather and Kylei (each).
30 30-minute meditations.
16 intimacy practices.
13 1-on-1 or 1-on-2 hangouts with KWT, Kylei, Heather, Jaime, Allison (each).
11 new casual friends made.
8 crafty parties.
7 new park visits (parks I haven't been to before).
4 concerts.
4 sets of talismans made.
3 sets of icons made.
3 new good friends made.
2 22-day writing streaks.
2 sets of card readings.
2 musicsharing posts.
2 art inspiration posts.
1 new tattoo.
1 long (3.5+ hour) drive by myself.
1 burn-centered event.
1 class led at a convention.
More physical exertion.
More work on my etsys and art fb and local selling of my art (yellow daisy festival?).
More writing in my book of magic.
More new kinds of sex/physical intimacy.
More energy work with more people.
Redo my "characters in the story of my life" post.
Do year-overviews for 2012, 2013, 2014.


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belenen: (overwhelmed)
mixing money w art is hell / act of kindness and trust from M / stress tanglebrain is the worst
I feel like I've been dull in my posts of late. For a little while this was because I was swamped by the amount of posts on my suddenly super-active friends page (that hasn't been a thing for at LEAST five years and I can't even EXPRESS how much better it makes my life). Also I got really discouraged by my recent attempts to attract people to my art, especially in a financially supportive way. I still have two important steps to do but the next one incurs fees and I feel so stressed about money (especially money that may be 'wasted') that I keep putting it off. And that blocks me from writing because I feel like I need to do this other thing first, and also because I feel like over the years SO MANY people (literally thousands) have said that my writing and art has helped them a lot yet no one seems to feel a desire to give back even a little, which makes me feel like the gift must have not been very worthwhile, that they must have been exaggerating. And when I feel like my art and writing isn't valued I don't want to make it. Which is why I try to avoid mixing money with anything because when I do it invariably makes me feel worthless and it ruins my motivation. [p.s. please do NOT give me advice about this, I've heard it all before and it's not helpful] But if I want to make it happen I have to try, and I have one idea that seems good that I haven't tried yet so I have to try it or my failure might be all on me.

I also tend to withdraw when I have no money, as it feels like any extravagance of expression or motion will take the last of my resources. This works in practical ways like driving less to save gas, and in emotional ways (that make no sense) like feeling less able to have conversations and make art and be expressive. But a weird and altogether welcome thing happened this week where my bioparent M put a little money in my account without me asking. That has never happened before, because not only is M a pinchpenny, but usually when ze knows I have a need, ze withholds until I do something ze wants. So the money was not only filling a really important need, it was kind of an act of trust (that I would talk to zir even if I didn't have a desperate need) and kindness (that I didn't have to do the horribly stressful act of asking for money and justifying why I needed it). It made me cry, I was so touched and grateful. And now I could afford to go get my medication but that would take all of it and so I don't feel safe doing that :-[ ugh my stressbrain is so counterproductive. Also a friend is moving next week and offered money in exchange for help, which is a relief. I'm not going to fret if the money doesn't happen though, because I want to be able to help without payment, but I do hope they follow through.

So to wrap back around: despite money stress I want to keep writing, so I'm aiming for a post-every-day this month. And I'm going to try to remember to write first and THEN read my flist, so that I don't run out of time or words.


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belenen: (queer)
TBC 2014: workshops 2, 3: "what about the men?" and "writing for our lives"
The second workshop I attended was one called "what about the men?" and I only went because it was lead by one of the people in the disability panel and they explained it (including that the title was a joke) at the end of that panel. It was about the perceptions of men with regards to masculinity and femininity, discussing the queer norms. My biggest takeaway from that one was that queer policing is regional; apparently up north the queerest ones are the cis women, and femme men are rejected and devalued; in the south the queerest ones are the femme men. It was interesting to realize that I had been universalizing my understanding of queer culture. Though I'm still pretty sure that there isn't anywhere where I would be the queerest. I always feel like I have to aggressively out myself in order to be understood as queer, because femme+female appearing is read as gender conforming and straight-acting. The talk actually was a little true to its title, but it created some great conversation, and I think challenging the white-cis-female exclusivity of the queer culture in the north is important work. But it desperately needs to be about POC and trans women as much as it is about men, because they are excluded at least as much.

Next I went to "writing for our lives" which was a workshop by arjuna greist on writing poetry. I went to this without really planning to, partly because Adi was going, not expecting to get anything out of it. I was blown away! Arjuna talked about how as activists we want to write about things that matter to us like racism, sexism, etc, but that people take it in better if it's written as a story. Ze quoted "an editorial in rhyme is not a song." Then we were given an exercise: pick a social justice topic, then write down the top ten words or phrases most used in relation to it, then write a poem avoiding all of those words. I chose a topic and then wrote a poem that ended up feeling just right. I felt so validated in my writing when I read it out loud and people had strong emotional responses to it (despite my shaky rushed reading). I wish I could write music, because I could do this. I also felt reinforced in my understanding of art as world-changing. Here's the poem (not yet edited from original draft):

You stick me in the window
"don't move" as you cover my belly, my chin, my thighs
"smile" as you coat my face, snatch out my eyebrows
"lean forward" as you glaze my breasts
"no" when I am hungry, when I need to pee
"shhh!" when I whimper from stiff muscles
"I don't care" when I say I want to get down

I can't leave this glass box with glaring lights
I've grown into this shape
my pupils cannot expand
where could I go? another window?


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belenen: (satisfaction)
22 day writing streak - complete!
I'm pretty exhausted right now, but I'm keeping up my streak! The 22 days is over and I feel nestled into a new habit and super proud of myself. I also love how a lot of my relationships are coming alive as a result -- over this project I've had a significant increase in interaction with at least 7 people who matter a lot to me. This is the best way for me to be able to share. I know I keep on crowing about this but it's so huge for me, a radical life shift.

One odd thing is that people comment on my entries at my facebook instead of at my LJ. I don't mind but it's strange; a merging of disparate worlds. Also, many more facebook-only friends read my LJ than I would have thought -- I guess I expected the only readers to be LJers and people who I had told in person about the importance of my LJ to me. Yay for curiosity :D

In more bragging news, I finished my giant scary stats homework more than 10 hours in advance of when it is due, and turned it in. I'm nervous about it because there is no good way to check my progress but I think that it'll be at least a B if not an A. I think a lot of the reason I was able to get it done without a panic frenzy is that I feel positive momentum from writing. LJ I love you <3


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belenen: (writing)
writing: rededicating my journal to imperfect self-examination and memory-making
I've been successful in keeping up with writing for 6 days now, which is my longest streak in at least a year. I think the biggest reason I'm having success is that I have given myself permission to send out things that are unpolished and even unfinished. My usual ritual with writing is to sit down, drink a lot of coffee, put on some music, and focus on a particular topic that all fits together, write it, re-read it and add and subtract and hone and craft until I am sure that I haven't left out anything I wanted to say and haven't implied anything I do not want to say. I hate the feeling of leaving something important out, and I want to make sure that when people read it they see it all, because I don't want to repeat myself and I know that people aren't going to check back to see if I added stuff. With this 22day thing, I decided to just make sure I wrote, no matter how unimportant or badly phrased or incomplete or run-on. Because when I started this thing that is what it was all about. I got more into polishing as I went along and now I rarely write because I just don't have the energy for the 2+ hour perfection ritual. So fuck that, I'm going to keep this as a journal and it's going to be filled with unimportant stuff as well as the meaningful stuff and it's going to be my tool to know and remember by and it's going to be a WIP and sometimes I will go back and edit to add things that need to be part of it. I never wanted this to be a blog but I think my impulse for tidiness made me self-censor anything that wasn't 'up to par.' (in my mind a blog is for the benefit of others, to educate or entertain) I feel like maybe I could educate sometimes but I would suffocate myself with all the things I don't know and don't understand. So, here is my journal, washed and re-dedicated to being an eclectic pile of my ecphorizing.

Looking back, I wrote: 44 entries in 2013, 75 entries in 2012 (also that July was the last time I did the 22 day thing, I didn't make it to 22 though), 46 in 2011, and before that, at least 100 entries a year I'd say, which is what I feel is a healthy amount for me. I'm going to finish this 22day streak and then I have a loose goal of 11 entries per month.
sounds: Kate Nash - Birds | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: ,


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belenen: (heart in my throat)
22 day writing challenge/ missing Laura and learning from zir
today I'm starting a 22 day streak of writing daily, and you're invited to join me. it doesn't have to be 'important' or 'worth sharing' - just original content.

I hope that this will get me jump started on getting back into the habit. I need to stop "saving the good stuff for when I have time to flesh it out" and just use this like I used to, to capture moments and let me see the thread of my own thinking and memory.

My birthday is coming up, and with it, Laura's birthday. [livejournal.com profile] musicandmisery is my LJ friend who died last year, and this is the first time our shared birthday is just me. I had a moment today where I saw something that was at first beautiful and magical, and then I realized it could be a trick, but I loved it anyway, so I reblogged it on tumblr with the phrase "I want to believe" which I know of because I watched 8 seasons of x-files as a way to learn Laura. I thought that Laura would like the post and then realized that ze wouldn't see it, or at least I wouldn't know, and I cried at all the opportunities I thought I'd have time for but didn't. I would have gone to see zir if I had known there was danger of zir death; come hell or high water I would have found a way. but now I don't ever have the chance to hug, to cuddle, to kiss maybe (I always crushed on zir and I think there was some reciprocation). I don't have the chance to get to know zir more-  I thought there would be more time, I thought we had many years to grow closer. I feel like Laura taught me a lot in our years of indirect communication (we never had a real-time conversation, just messages and comments) and I'm still learning. I feel like I had this epiphany about what Laura loved and why in that moment of thinking "I want to believe" but I can't ask. am I embellishing or still learning? I want to believe that I am still learning.

I love you Laura. I'm sorry I didn't take more actions to show it. I miss you.
connecting: , , ,


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belenen: (gender abolitionist)
poem: "Touch"
I've been touched like a security blanket;
clutched, clung to, squished up and dragged,
rubbed,
wrung for drips of comfort.

I've been touched like a pump dispenser;
just enough to produce results, efficiently,
buttons pressed,
manipulated for easy pleasure.

I've been touched like a pet;
absent-mindedly, mechanically petted,
as requested,
as though a pelt and not a living being.

I've been touched like a feral creature;
tentatively, rarely,
a placating gesture
with no desire.

I want
I want
I want to be touched like the familiar sacred;
a talisman, a touchstone,
a treasured carving
held reverently, closely.

I want
I want
I want hands on my skin,
fingertips like tiny tongues
tasting my candy skin hungrily.

I want
I want
I want examination, exploration
to be cherished in texture and shape,
in my softness and points,
every curve and crease,
no part unnoticed.

observe me
intimately
sounds: Austra - The Beast | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , ,


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belenen: (iconoclast)
lasting leavings
You know that you're an abstract thinker when you learn that the prompt is "coprolite (fossilized animal dung)" and the first thing that comes to mind is "What if all the impact I leave is in my byproducts?"

What if none of my words survive, and only my acts have lasting effect? What if I die, and to learn about me people can only examine indirectly? I don't often think about what people would think of me after I die, but if I did, I imagined they'd learn directly, from my own words. What other "leavings" do I have?

I don't think I can really figure that out. But I know what I hope. I hope that as I interact with people, they examine their prejudices more. (if I'm wishing, I wish that they would be incited to learn about prejudice and work fiercely against it in themselves and in the world) I hope that they're inspired to be more honest and open, to value true connection over appearing admirable. I would hope that they would care more for the earth; recycle, consume fewer resources, hug trees. I would hope that they would not let injustice pass uncontested. I would hope that they ask questions instead of assuming. What I hope is that I will pass my values on, and that they last.

While I was writing this entry (sitting in the social sciences building of my school), a classmate came over, sat next to me, and engaged me in conversation.

"So are you, like, an advocate?"
"ehhh, it depends on your definition I guess. If I see something that seems to be an injustice to me, I'll speak up -- if I can find the words." (I think of an advocate as someone with significantly more eloquence and boldness than I have)

Ze notices the "Queer: Bold or daring; brave; original; unrestrained by existing ideas or conventions; uninhibited." sticker on my laptop and says, "so... what's... are you...?"
and I laugh and say, "I'm queer."
"what does that mean?"
"well, queer is an umbrella term that refers to everyone who is not just straight -- I'm an equal opportunity queer." (Ze still looks confused) "I don't care what shape people's bodies are, just WHO they are."
"Oh."

At that point I realize I have an opportunity to find out what a "normal" person's impression of me is, so I ask if ze read me as queer before (ze said no, just as a hippie 'cause of the tie dye), and I ask what zir general impression of me was. Ze said I seemed nice and not-shy (because I speak up in class) -- I dunno what "nice" meant to zir but ze went on to explain that ze admires that and tries to be a nice person, and said "maybe you can be an advocate for me and help me learn to be nice." I laughed happily and thought that that's pretty much what I want to do with my life.


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belenen: (iconoclast)
lasting leavings
You know that you're an abstract thinker when you learn that the prompt is "coprolite (fossilized animal dung)" and the first thing that comes to mind is "What if all the impact I leave is in my byproducts?"

What if none of my words survive, and only my acts have lasting effect? What if I die, and to learn about me people can only examine indirectly? I don't often think about what people would think of me after I die, but if I did, I imagined they'd learn directly, from my own words. What other "leavings" do I have?

I don't think I can really figure that out. But I know what I hope. I hope that as I interact with people, they examine their prejudices more. (if I'm wishing, I wish that they would be incited to learn about prejudice and work fiercely against it in themselves and in the world) I hope that they're inspired to be more honest and open, to value true connection over appearing admirable. I would hope that they would care more for the earth; recycle, consume fewer resources, hug trees. I would hope that they would not let injustice pass uncontested. I would hope that they ask questions instead of assuming. What I hope is that I will pass my values on, and that they last.

While I was writing this entry (sitting in the social sciences building of my school), a classmate came over, sat next to me, and engaged me in conversation.

"So are you, like, an advocate?"
"ehhh, it depends on your definition I guess. If I see something that seems to be an injustice to me, I'll speak up -- if I can find the words." (I think of an advocate as someone with significantly more eloquence and boldness than I have)

Ze notices the "Queer: Bold or daring; brave; original; unrestrained by existing ideas or conventions; uninhibited." sticker on my laptop and says, "so... what's... are you...?"
and I laugh and say, "I'm queer."
"what does that mean?"
"well, queer is an umbrella term that refers to everyone who is not just straight -- I'm an equal opportunity queer." (Ze still looks confused) "I don't care what shape people's bodies are, just WHO they are."
"Oh."

At that point I realize I have an opportunity to find out what a "normal" person's impression of me is, so I ask if ze read me as queer before (ze said no, just as a hippie 'cause of the tie dye), and I ask what zir general impression of me was. Ze said I seemed nice and not-shy (because I speak up in class) -- I dunno what "nice" meant to zir but ze went on to explain that ze admires that and tries to be a nice person, and said "maybe you can be an advocate for me and help me learn to be nice." I laughed happily and thought that that's pretty much what I want to do with my life.
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belenen: (interconnectedness)
on being asked for help
"got any change?"
"spare a dollar?"
"help me out?"

I've been thinking on my reaction to being asked for money. I know that I am wildly rich to be able to go buy a fancy coffee if I want to. Of course, I'm also living on student loans so doing that is irresponsible, but I can, and that's a hefty privilege.

I try to check in with my own state of being when I am asked for help, whether that help be monetary or not. If it's a stranger asking for cash I feel strongly that if I'm carrying cash (which I almost never am) the universe is asking me to share that. Now if I was randomly carrying a twenty, I probably would not share it because I would not spend $20 on something I didn't need. But if I can afford to blow it on a luxury like a mocha, I can afford to give it away. This is affected by the fact that I don't often encounter requests for money -- when I move into the heart of the city I plan to never carry cash but instead carry food bars to offer if someone claims hunger. (Raw Revolution bars, Kashi crunch bars, odwalla bars, and powerbar's NutNaturals form a good third of my diet)

I feel that the act of asking for help earns it, as long as giving that help doesn't deplete me too much. I don't consider it my responsibility to discern how the cash will be used. This is not philanthropy or naivete -- I imagine that some of the people asking for money are very good at it and don't have real need, and I'm not trying to fix anyone's problems. But for me, this interaction isn't about me and an individual, it's about my attitude toward life. If I am unwilling to give what I can spare, I feel that I close off the flow of generosity in my life. I feel that if I maintain a generous attitude, I will receive what I need when I need it, and then some. I also feel that it is far better to risk rewarding a liar than to risk ignoring genuine need. And even if a dollar won't help someone in any lasting fashion, I feel that honoring someone's request for help DOES help in a lasting fashion.

I don't give with expectation of direct reward -- but I do expect that my life will be better if I give. By asking me for help, people are showing me a way to create a flow of good into my life. We're helping each other out.

LJ idol season 8, topic 2: "Three Little Words."


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belenen: (interconnectedness)
on being asked for help
"got any change?"
"spare a dollar?"
"help me out?"

I've been thinking on my reaction to being asked for money. I know that I am wildly rich to be able to go buy a fancy coffee if I want to. Of course, I'm also living on student loans so doing that is irresponsible, but I can, and that's a hefty privilege.

I try to check in with my own state of being when I am asked for help, whether that help be monetary or not. If it's a stranger asking for cash I feel strongly that if I'm carrying cash (which I almost never am) the universe is asking me to share that. Now if I was randomly carrying a twenty, I probably would not share it because I would not spend $20 on something I didn't need. But if I can afford to blow it on a luxury like a mocha, I can afford to give it away. This is affected by the fact that I don't often encounter requests for money -- when I move into the heart of the city I plan to never carry cash but instead carry food bars to offer if someone claims hunger. (Raw Revolution bars, Kashi crunch bars, odwalla bars, and powerbar's NutNaturals form a good third of my diet)

I feel that the act of asking for help earns it, as long as giving that help doesn't deplete me too much. I don't consider it my responsibility to discern how the cash will be used. This is not philanthropy or naivete -- I imagine that some of the people asking for money are very good at it and don't have real need, and I'm not trying to fix anyone's problems. But for me, this interaction isn't about me and an individual, it's about my attitude toward life. If I am unwilling to give what I can spare, I feel that I close off the flow of generosity in my life. I feel that if I maintain a generous attitude, I will receive what I need when I need it, and then some. I also feel that it is far better to risk rewarding a liar than to risk ignoring genuine need. And even if a dollar won't help someone in any lasting fashion, I feel that honoring someone's request for help DOES help in a lasting fashion.

I don't give with expectation of direct reward -- but I do expect that my life will be better if I give. By asking me for help, people are showing me a way to create a flow of good into my life. We're helping each other out.

LJ idol season 8, topic 2: "Three Little Words."
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belenen: (magical)
I pray in three parts: gratitude, awareness, and action
The universe is a tangled hedge of infinite branches, and prayer is a way I bring myself in line with where I want to be. I pray in different ways; sometimes I ask a Deity to reweave the branches and create openings for me, sometimes I ask other branch-walkers to lead me to the opening I seek, and most often I ask the hedge itself to shift for me. There are two things I've learned about that kind of prayer: gratitude is what gives it strength, and movement (through awareness and action) is what makes it useful.

I used to pray with desperation, not really expecting to receive anything; mostly just railing at my unhappiness. I think that kind of prayer is valid, but in my life it has been much less effective. When I began praying with gratitude -- conjuring up the emotions I would feel after I had received what I sought, and truly believing in that possibility -- I saw SUCH change in my life. Incredible strings of coincidences, opening after opening with no pauses between. People I had intense, instant connections with just appeared in my life, money came to me in strange ways when I needed it, events happened at just the right time -- opportunities that could so easily have never existed.

But those openings would have meant nothing if I hadn't been eagerly watching for them, darting through as soon as I saw them. If I wasn't watching for those people I had asked for to appear, I wouldn't have taken the chances I did, and I wouldn't have followed through on that initial spark. If I hadn't opened up ways for the universe to give to me, I wouldn't have had people order jewelry from me at just the moment that I desperately needed to sell. If I had passed up on just ONE event that I felt a tug to experience, the whole string that followed would never have happened.

I've learned to believe in gifts by feeling gratitude ahead of time, to watch for their arrival, and to take them out of the package. All that together is how prayer works for me.

LJ idol season 8, topic 1: "When You Pray, Move Your Feet."
sounds: Rae Spoon - Bethelightbethelightbethelight | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: ,


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belenen: (magical)
I pray in three parts: gratitude, awareness, and action
The universe is a tangled hedge of infinite branches, and prayer is a way I bring myself in line with where I want to be. I pray in different ways; sometimes I ask a Deity to reweave the branches and create openings for me, sometimes I ask other branch-walkers to lead me to the opening I seek, and most often I ask the hedge itself to shift for me. There are two things I've learned about that kind of prayer: gratitude is what gives it strength, and movement (through awareness and action) is what makes it useful.

I used to pray with desperation, not really expecting to receive anything; mostly just railing at my unhappiness. I think that kind of prayer is valid, but in my life it has been much less effective. When I began praying with gratitude -- conjuring up the emotions I would feel after I had received what I sought, and truly believing in that possibility -- I saw SUCH change in my life. Incredible strings of coincidences, opening after opening with no pauses between. People I had intense, instant connections with just appeared in my life, money came to me in strange ways when I needed it, events happened at just the right time -- opportunities that could so easily have never existed.

But those openings would have meant nothing if I hadn't been eagerly watching for them, darting through as soon as I saw them. If I wasn't watching for those people I had asked for to appear, I wouldn't have taken the chances I did, and I wouldn't have followed through on that initial spark. If I hadn't opened up ways for the universe to give to me, I wouldn't have had people order jewelry from me at just the moment that I desperately needed to sell. If I had passed up on just ONE event that I felt a tug to experience, the whole string that followed would never have happened.

I've learned to believe in gifts by feeling gratitude ahead of time, to watch for their arrival, and to take them out of the package. All that together is how prayer works for me.

LJ idol season 8, topic 1: "When You Pray, Move Your Feet."
sounds: Rae Spoon - Bethelightbethelightbethelight | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (eccentric)
poll: what do you want to read about?
Thinking about doing some themed writing in the few days I have left before school starts again. Help motivate me!
[Poll #1766979]
and if there are other things you'd like to see me write on, please comment and tell me.
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belenen: (wild)
poem: "infectious"
infectious )
sounds: Pomplamoose - Hail Mary | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: ,


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belenen: (wild)
poem: "infectious"
infectious )
sounds: Pomplamoose - Hail Mary | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: ,


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belenen: (Renenutet)
my poetry, my fire and fury, fighting forever
Dayum. Kelly told me I should post a poem, so I went reading through my old work and some of the early stuff was so clumsy I skimmed it really quick, but some of the stuff I wrote from 2001-2003 just blew me away. One poem in particular has much deeper meaning to me now than it did at the time I wrote it... my spirit spoke, and I didn't fully understand then, but I do now. Some are so sharply bitter, some so wildly wanton... some bring up old emotions in such stark clarity -- things I never thought I'd relive. They taste the same, sweetness and fear. And the fierceness, I remember the fierceness, how WILD I was, how I was so ready to bite the world and consume life. How I never ceased with my biting at the sun. How no matter how much pain I felt, no matter how I tried to numb myself, fires burned furiously within me and flared boldly in my art, in my writing, in my very gaze. Living every single fucking day in a world that sought to smash me, beat me, box me in -- how that honed me to diamond sharpness, made my every movement, every breath, every word, completely drenched in meaning and choice. How I was aware that every day I chose to be myself and chose to reject the judgments and the assumptions and the goals that others tried to hang on me like medals, how they tried to teach me pride in conformity and shame in difference. How every single day I was filled with fury from the moment I woke until I fell asleep, FURY at the world for being so wrong and so sure of it's rightness. Forced to live among zombies who didn't even notice as bits of them rotted and fell away under their self-denial... how I felt such a surge of furious pride every time someone looked at me with disdain. How I looked for ways to challenge their mindsets, how I seized my differences and waved them like a flag. How I challenged one group with my dark clothing and anger and challenged another with my love for God. I used to be confused as to why people were intimidated by me -- now looking back, remembering myself, I understand. The blaze in my eyes, the unrestrained screaming of my soul, spoke far louder than my smiles and soft words. Even though I wanted to welcome people into my heart, I also wanted to fight, and only those who also wanted to fight could see my softness.

While you paste on your precious plastic smile
and kneel at the altar of homogeneity,
I cringe and grimace at your helpless posturing
and am recklessly myself.
-- ©Belenen10.31.01

I had to move away from my fury to develop compassion -- but I can feel the fires growing again, I feel my wildness re-awakening. My spirit has learned gentleness, learned to bank the fires, but that is not and will never be my natural state.


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belenen: (Renenutet)
my poetry, my fire and fury, fighting forever
Dayum. Kelly told me I should post a poem, so I went reading through my old work and some of the early stuff was so clumsy I skimmed it really quick, but some of the stuff I wrote from 2001-2003 just blew me away. One poem in particular has much deeper meaning to me now than it did at the time I wrote it... my spirit spoke, and I didn't fully understand then, but I do now. Some are so sharply bitter, some so wildly wanton... some bring up old emotions in such stark clarity -- things I never thought I'd relive. They taste the same, sweetness and fear. And the fierceness, I remember the fierceness, how WILD I was, how I was so ready to bite the world and consume life. How I never ceased with my biting at the sun. How no matter how much pain I felt, no matter how I tried to numb myself, fires burned furiously within me and flared boldly in my art, in my writing, in my very gaze. Living every single fucking day in a world that sought to smash me, beat me, box me in -- how that honed me to diamond sharpness, made my every movement, every breath, every word, completely drenched in meaning and choice. How I was aware that every day I chose to be myself and chose to reject the judgments and the assumptions and the goals that others tried to hang on me like medals, how they tried to teach me pride in conformity and shame in difference. How every single day I was filled with fury from the moment I woke until I fell asleep, FURY at the world for being so wrong and so sure of it's rightness. Forced to live among zombies who didn't even notice as bits of them rotted and fell away under their self-denial... how I felt such a surge of furious pride every time someone looked at me with disdain. How I looked for ways to challenge their mindsets, how I seized my differences and waved them like a flag. How I challenged one group with my dark clothing and anger and challenged another with my love for God. I used to be confused as to why people were intimidated by me -- now looking back, remembering myself, I understand. The blaze in my eyes, the unrestrained screaming of my soul, spoke far louder than my smiles and soft words. Even though I wanted to welcome people into my heart, I also wanted to fight, and only those who also wanted to fight could see my softness.

While you paste on your precious plastic smile
and kneel at the altar of homogeneity,
I cringe and grimace at your helpless posturing
and am recklessly myself.
-- ©Belenen10.31.01

I had to move away from my fury to develop compassion -- but I can feel the fires growing again, I feel my wildness re-awakening. My spirit has learned gentleness, learned to bank the fires, but that is not and will never be my natural state.


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belenen: (Renenutet)
my poetry, my fire and fury, fighting forever
Dayum. Kelly told me I should post a poem, so I went reading through my old work and some of the early stuff was so clumsy I skimmed it really quick, but some of the stuff I wrote from 2001-2003 just blew me away. One poem in particular has much deeper meaning to me now than it did at the time I wrote it... my spirit spoke, and I didn't fully understand then, but I do now. Some are so sharply bitter, some so wildly wanton... some bring up old emotions in such stark clarity -- things I never thought I'd relive. They taste the same, sweetness and fear. And the fierceness, I remember the fierceness, how WILD I was, how I was so ready to bite the world and consume life. How I never ceased with my biting at the sun. How no matter how much pain I felt, no matter how I tried to numb myself, fires burned furiously within me and flared boldly in my art, in my writing, in my very gaze. Living every single fucking day in a world that sought to smash me, beat me, box me in -- how that honed me to diamond sharpness, made my every movement, every breath, every word, completely drenched in meaning and choice. How I was aware that every day I chose to be myself and chose to reject the judgments and the assumptions and the goals that others tried to hang on me like medals, how they tried to teach me pride in conformity and shame in difference. How every single day I was filled with fury from the moment I woke until I fell asleep, FURY at the world for being so wrong and so sure of it's rightness. Forced to live among zombies who didn't even notice as bits of them rotted and fell away under their self-denial... how I felt such a surge of furious pride every time someone looked at me with disdain. How I looked for ways to challenge their mindsets, how I seized my differences and waved them like a flag. How I challenged one group with my dark clothing and anger and challenged another with my love for God. I used to be confused as to why people were intimidated by me -- now looking back, remembering myself, I understand. The blaze in my eyes, the unrestrained screaming of my soul, spoke far louder than my smiles and soft words. Even though I wanted to welcome people into my heart, I also wanted to fight, and only those who also wanted to fight could see my softness.

While you paste on your precious plastic smile
and kneel at the altar of homogeneity,
I cringe and grimace at your helpless posturing
and am recklessly myself.
-- ©Belenen10.31.01

I had to move away from my fury to develop compassion -- but I can feel the fires growing again, I feel my wildness re-awakening. My spirit has learned gentleness, learned to bank the fires, but that is not and will never be my natural state.


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belenen: (powerful)
poem -- "Oh, how beautiful!"
sarcastic bitterness )
connecting: ,


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belenen: (powerful)
poem -- "Oh, how beautiful!"
sarcastic bitterness )
connecting: ,


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belenen: (powerful)
poem -- "Oh, how beautiful!"
sarcastic bitterness )
connecting: ,


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belenen: (fantasy)
Legend of the Red Dragonfly
This is an old story of mine, told in an ornate style due to the fact that it's a legend memorized and passed down from Storyteller to Storyteller. (Feel free to point out flaws, writer friends -- I've had this one around long enough that I no longer have it on a pedestal.) And please, everyone feel VERY FREE to ask questions, they are incredibly helpful in developing my races.

Legend of the Red Dragonfly )

Thank you phrankenstyne, paperwings21 and Nisha for your interest in my writing!
connecting:


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belenen: (fantasy)
Legend of the Red Dragonfly
This is an old story of mine, told in an ornate style due to the fact that it's a legend memorized and passed down from Storyteller to Storyteller. (Feel free to point out flaws, writer friends -- I've had this one around long enough that I no longer have it on a pedestal.) And please, everyone feel VERY FREE to ask questions, they are incredibly helpful in developing my races.

Legend of the Red Dragonfly )

Thank you phrankenstyne, paperwings21 and Nisha for your interest in my writing!
connecting:


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belenen: (fantasy)
Legend of the Red Dragonfly
This is an old story of mine, told in an ornate style due to the fact that it's a legend memorized and passed down from Storyteller to Storyteller. (Feel free to point out flaws, writer friends -- I've had this one around long enough that I no longer have it on a pedestal.) And please, everyone feel VERY FREE to ask questions, they are incredibly helpful in developing my races.

Legend of the Red Dragonfly )

Thank you phrankenstyne, paperwings21 and Nisha for your interest in my writing!
connecting:


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belenen: (analytical)
Crow (a short story I wrote)
I decided to share a story I wrote a few years ago... it's based off of real events, with a few twists...
Crow )
feelings: contemplative
connecting:


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belenen: (analytical)
Crow (a short story I wrote)
I decided to share a story I wrote a few years ago... it's based off of real events, with a few twists...
Crow )
feelings: contemplative
connecting:


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belenen: (analytical)
Crow (a short story I wrote)
I decided to share a story I wrote a few years ago... it's based off of real events, with a few twists...
Crow )
feelings: contemplative
connecting:


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belenen: (garrulous)
pouting
Did only 3 of you read my Feanen post???

I was really hoping for more feedback... even if you have nothing to say, tell me why -- is it too far-fetched for you? Does it alienate you because you love the traditional view of fairies as tiny mischievous flittery things? Did it just plain bore you? Any feedback helps -- especially if there is something that struck your fancy OR seemed really stupid.

(many thanks to lyric1459, peter, and sio, btw)
feelings: pouty
sounds: Jewel: "Morning Song"
connecting:


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belenen: (garrulous)
pouting
Did only 3 of you read my Feanen post???

I was really hoping for more feedback... even if you have nothing to say, tell me why -- is it too far-fetched for you? Does it alienate you because you love the traditional view of fairies as tiny mischievous flittery things? Did it just plain bore you? Any feedback helps -- especially if there is something that struck your fancy OR seemed really stupid.

(many thanks to lyric1459, peter, and sio, btw)
feelings: pouty
sounds: Jewel: "Morning Song"
connecting:


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belenen: (garrulous)
pouting
Did only 3 of you read my Feanen post???

I was really hoping for more feedback... even if you have nothing to say, tell me why -- is it too far-fetched for you? Does it alienate you because you love the traditional view of fairies as tiny mischievous flittery things? Did it just plain bore you? Any feedback helps -- especially if there is something that struck your fancy OR seemed really stupid.

(many thanks to lyric1459, peter, and sio, btw)
feelings: pouty
sounds: Jewel: "Morning Song"
connecting:


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belenen: (artistic)
The Edhelekharo
Well, the Tallran won out, but they are descendents of both Edhelekharo and Feanen, so I'm going to explain those two races first.

The Edhelekharo

Appearance:
The Edhelekharo are my 'golden elves' -- tall, slender, and graceful; the females have small breasts and the males have narrow shoulders. Their skin varies from coffee-and-cream to deep mocha, they have thick, coarse, straight golden hair (which grows more metallic with age), and their eyes vary from pale pale lemon to honey. Their faces are very sharp-featured, always with a pointed jawline, a flat, wide nose, and high cheekbones. Their eyes are very catlike: somewhat like this drawing (although I drew that years and years ago and it's hideous) -- large and round, with vertical pupils. They have small, sharp-edged, flat lips, and of course the long, pointed ears.

Culture:
Extreme reservation is a mark of Edheledian culture. It would be a scandal to gasp in public -- even if you learned that your spouse just died. Their primary motivation is the preservation of their knowledge and culture, so they focus on learning and keeping the ways of old, and are highly suspicious of differences. They have many levels of classes, mainly defined by the reputation each family has for keeping tradition, and how learned that family is on average. Literacy is incredibly high -- if you can't read, you will be shunned as non-elvish. I really don't like them very much, but they do create beautiful music (as it is tradition for each person to create a new song every eleven days, to sing at the gathering) and art (as it is tradition to wear incredibly elaborate jewelry and clothing). The Edhelekharo love deeply, but generally they can only express this through music/art because in any other form displaying emotion is considered disgusting and incredibly rude.

Due to their intensity of passion for knowledge and propriety, the Edhelekharo tend to see the other races as childish at best, animalistic at worst. Intermarrying happens among the Edhelekharo and Duni (human-types) for biological reasons, but when it happens, the Duni marries into the Edhelekharo culture and sheds all of his/her culture -- or the couple is put out of Edheledian society.

They're incredibly beautiful, very kindhearted, gentle, and generous -- just rather condescending to other races and very judgemental of their own.

--------

Please do tell me any questions that you had, so that I'll have ideas on what needs more development.
sounds: Marcy Playground: "Sex and Candy"
feelings: complacent
connecting: ,


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belenen: (artistic)
The Edhelekharo
Well, the Tallran won out, but they are descendents of both Edhelekharo and Feanen, so I'm going to explain those two races first.

The Edhelekharo

Appearance:
The Edhelekharo are my 'golden elves' -- tall, slender, and graceful; the females have small breasts and the males have narrow shoulders. Their skin varies from coffee-and-cream to deep mocha, they have thick, coarse, straight golden hair (which grows more metallic with age), and their eyes vary from pale pale lemon to honey. Their faces are very sharp-featured, always with a pointed jawline, a flat, wide nose, and high cheekbones. Their eyes are very catlike: somewhat like this drawing (although I drew that years and years ago and it's hideous) -- large and round, with vertical pupils. They have small, sharp-edged, flat lips, and of course the long, pointed ears.

Culture:
Extreme reservation is a mark of Edheledian culture. It would be a scandal to gasp in public -- even if you learned that your spouse just died. Their primary motivation is the preservation of their knowledge and culture, so they focus on learning and keeping the ways of old, and are highly suspicious of differences. They have many levels of classes, mainly defined by the reputation each family has for keeping tradition, and how learned that family is on average. Literacy is incredibly high -- if you can't read, you will be shunned as non-elvish. I really don't like them very much, but they do create beautiful music (as it is tradition for each person to create a new song every eleven days, to sing at the gathering) and art (as it is tradition to wear incredibly elaborate jewelry and clothing). The Edhelekharo love deeply, but generally they can only express this through music/art because in any other form displaying emotion is considered disgusting and incredibly rude.

Due to their intensity of passion for knowledge and propriety, the Edhelekharo tend to see the other races as childish at best, animalistic at worst. Intermarrying happens among the Edhelekharo and Duni (human-types) for biological reasons, but when it happens, the Duni marries into the Edhelekharo culture and sheds all of his/her culture -- or the couple is put out of Edheledian society.

They're incredibly beautiful, very kindhearted, gentle, and generous -- just rather condescending to other races and very judgemental of their own.

--------

Please do tell me any questions that you had, so that I'll have ideas on what needs more development.
feelings: complacent
sounds: Marcy Playground: "Sex and Candy"
connecting: ,


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belenen: (artistic)
The Edhelekharo
Well, the Tallran won out, but they are descendents of both Edhelekharo and Feanen, so I'm going to explain those two races first.

The Edhelekharo

Appearance:
The Edhelekharo are my 'golden elves' -- tall, slender, and graceful; the females have small breasts and the males have narrow shoulders. Their skin varies from coffee-and-cream to deep mocha, they have thick, coarse, straight golden hair (which grows more metallic with age), and their eyes vary from pale pale lemon to honey. Their faces are very sharp-featured, always with a pointed jawline, a flat, wide nose, and high cheekbones. Their eyes are very catlike: somewhat like this drawing (although I drew that years and years ago and it's hideous) -- large and round, with vertical pupils. They have small, sharp-edged, flat lips, and of course the long, pointed ears.

Culture:
Extreme reservation is a mark of Edheledian culture. It would be a scandal to gasp in public -- even if you learned that your spouse just died. Their primary motivation is the preservation of their knowledge and culture, so they focus on learning and keeping the ways of old, and are highly suspicious of differences. They have many levels of classes, mainly defined by the reputation each family has for keeping tradition, and how learned that family is on average. Literacy is incredibly high -- if you can't read, you will be shunned as non-elvish. I really don't like them very much, but they do create beautiful music (as it is tradition for each person to create a new song every eleven days, to sing at the gathering) and art (as it is tradition to wear incredibly elaborate jewelry and clothing). The Edhelekharo love deeply, but generally they can only express this through music/art because in any other form displaying emotion is considered disgusting and incredibly rude.

Due to their intensity of passion for knowledge and propriety, the Edhelekharo tend to see the other races as childish at best, animalistic at worst. Intermarrying happens among the Edhelekharo and Duni (human-types) for biological reasons, but when it happens, the Duni marries into the Edhelekharo culture and sheds all of his/her culture -- or the couple is put out of Edheledian society.

They're incredibly beautiful, very kindhearted, gentle, and generous -- just rather condescending to other races and very judgemental of their own.

--------

Please do tell me any questions that you had, so that I'll have ideas on what needs more development.
feelings: complacent
sounds: Marcy Playground: "Sex and Candy"
connecting: ,


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belenen: (fantasy)
Cationes post?
Would any of you be interested in a post about a race/culture on my world, Cationes?

I'll still do it or not based on how much I wanna, but you can sway me.

If you are interested, which most sparks your interest?
the Edhelekharo / golden elf type
the Feanen / faery type
the Liltalnen / water people (a unique race of mine)
the Setsu / a completely unique race of very similar-looking people
the Tallran / forest elf type (with a unique twist)
the Chima / giant type
Pixies / my take, not traditional at all

Ha, no poll -- you have to comment!
feelings: blank
sounds: the Benjamin Gate: "Live Out Loud"
connecting: ,


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belenen: (fantasy)
Cationes post?
Would any of you be interested in a post about a race/culture on my world, Cationes?

I'll still do it or not based on how much I wanna, but you can sway me.

If you are interested, which most sparks your interest?
the Edhelekharo / golden elf type
the Feanen / faery type
the Liltalnen / water people (a unique race of mine)
the Setsu / a completely unique race of very similar-looking people
the Tallran / forest elf type (with a unique twist)
the Chima / giant type
Pixies / my take, not traditional at all

Ha, no poll -- you have to comment!
feelings: blank
sounds: the Benjamin Gate: "Live Out Loud"
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