It had been 2 years so it was way past time for an update. I didn't include all of the people from before but those are still available via tags *smiles*
If you're wondering what spirit-kin, heart-kin, soul-kin or mind-kin mean (or -twin, the stronger version), read this post.

If there is anyone I've mentioned often who is not included here, please remind me.

( all of the people! it's pretty long )

If you're wondering what spirit-kin, heart-kin, soul-kin or mind-kin mean (or -twin, the stronger version), read this post.

If there is anyone I've mentioned often who is not included here, please remind me.

( all of the people! it's pretty long )

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )

These are the characters in the story of my life:
( from 2009 )

These are the characters in the story of my life:

most mentioned:
Ace (lil sis) aka girlslovegirls7 -- younger sister, deep friend, soul-kin.
Ben aka justben -- lover, deep friend, heart-kin, soul-kin.
Ash aka theroamer -- deep friend, flatmate.
Hannah aka shioneh -- deep friend, spirit-kin.
Nea aka acid_burns -- deep friend, soul-kin.
S -- close friend.

localtribe:
Shel aka aerialmelodies
Sara aka theindiequeen
Kristen aka gods_ornament
(under the general tag: Anna, Kat K, Chase, Anita, Saleena, Nicole, Brigit, Greta, Brandon, Sakka, Josh, Paul, Ryan, Nikki, Wolf, Tali, Scarlett)

often mentioned but not currently part of my life:
B, my ex-partner -- ex-partner, ex-lover, heart-kin.
Aurilion -- ex-lover, heart-kin.
Viv -- ex-friend/love, spirit-kin.
ex-partner's family -- my ex's family
biofamily -- my biological family

those I rarely talk/write about lately, but who had/have a big impact on my life:
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend, heart-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- friend, spirit-kin, heart-kin.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- good friend, soul-kin.
SabR aka sabr -- good friend.
Anika aka cunningbunny -- friend.
Paula & Spencer -- spiritual parents.
Gabe -- spiritual sibling.
elya -- sister-in-law, friend.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- friend, spirit-kin.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- friend.
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend.
Kaylene -- friend.
Allison -- friend.

( most mentioned: )

( localtribe: )

( people I talk/write about who are not active parts of my life )

( people I rarely talk/write about lately, but who had/have a big impact on my life )

I've lived in and around this area for the past six years, but have never really put down roots in a community sense (with the land, I am rooted). That's starting to change but before I go into that I want to explore the reasons that it hasn't happened before.

( the history )

After going through the hard parts of recovery (the agoraphobia/paranoia), it became really difficult for me to be around people. I'm not sure why -- maybe because part of me opened up and I sensed things that I had been closed to before -- but it really drained me, no matter how much I liked the person. To put it another way, being around a person took 100 points of energy, but most interactions only gave me about 30 points of energy. So unless it was a truly miraculous meeting, one where absolutely EVERYTHING clicked and I felt that the person and I had mutual affection, trust, understanding, and motivations AND felt sure that we were building a relationship which would last (an experience that most people would describe as 'meeting your soulmate'), it ended up draining me a lot and making it an experience that I feared and dreaded, even though it WAS enjoyable. (even the miraculous meetings drained me, just not as much) So in 2007 when I was looking for new local friends I would meet someone and it would be fun, but it would drain me and I just wouldn't feel like it was worth the effort of doing again.

But 2008 changed that. While being flooded with so much energy from all the miraculous happenings of that year, a void in me that had existed for as long as I can remember was finally filled and I was able to learn how to better use that energy. It's like I was growing in drought for so long, and then I finally had a fully nourishing year -- now I have a much more effective root system and can draw water in even though I am in a mild drought again. And now it only takes me 50 points of energy to be around a person, so I can enjoy interactions that are just good or great (not miraculous) without feeling utterly drained afterward. (usually there is still a gap which makes it more draining than nourishing (since I find sexism very draining and almost everyone is sexist), but it's a small gap now and I can pretty easily make up for it)

It was a really big deal for me to go to the pagan meeting a few weeks ago -- to go out alone to a new place, at night, where I would know only one person, and knew that I would be driving home alone in the cold and dark through a part of town that I'm not familiar with. And it was a little scary, but not terrifying, and it took effort, but not a debilitating amount -- and I felt REFRESHED afterward rather than drained. It was an even BIGGER deal for me to go to the drum circle -- because I invited two people (one a near-stranger), organized it, and followed through, including driving to a new place, EVEN THOUGH I didn't feel good. It used to be that I would want to do something, but wouldn't make plans -- and then when I did make plans, would stress out so much that I got physically ill and then used that as a reason to back out. This time I went through with it even though I was on the first day of my period (when I usually never leave the house). And that was life-alteringly wonderful!

I'm so thrilled that these things don't take SO MUCH from me nowadays. (it's still difficult -- still a stretch -- but not prohibitively so) Even if I end up transplanted soon, I'm going to put down some community roots here, because I can, finally, and because I will be back.

I've lived in and around this area for the past six years, but have never really put down roots in a community sense (with the land, I am rooted). That's starting to change but before I go into that I want to explore the reasons that it hasn't happened before.

( the history )

After going through the hard parts of recovery (the agoraphobia/paranoia), it became really difficult for me to be around people. I'm not sure why -- maybe because part of me opened up and I sensed things that I had been closed to before -- but it really drained me, no matter how much I liked the person. To put it another way, being around a person took 100 points of energy, but most interactions only gave me about 30 points of energy. So unless it was a truly miraculous meeting, one where absolutely EVERYTHING clicked and I felt that the person and I had mutual affection, trust, understanding, and motivations AND felt sure that we were building a relationship which would last (an experience that most people would describe as 'meeting your soulmate'), it ended up draining me a lot and making it an experience that I feared and dreaded, even though it WAS enjoyable. (even the miraculous meetings drained me, just not as much) So in 2007 when I was looking for new local friends I would meet someone and it would be fun, but it would drain me and I just wouldn't feel like it was worth the effort of doing again.

But 2008 changed that. While being flooded with so much energy from all the miraculous happenings of that year, a void in me that had existed for as long as I can remember was finally filled and I was able to learn how to better use that energy. It's like I was growing in drought for so long, and then I finally had a fully nourishing year -- now I have a much more effective root system and can draw water in even though I am in a mild drought again. And now it only takes me 50 points of energy to be around a person, so I can enjoy interactions that are just good or great (not miraculous) without feeling utterly drained afterward. (usually there is still a gap which makes it more draining than nourishing (since I find sexism very draining and almost everyone is sexist), but it's a small gap now and I can pretty easily make up for it)

It was a really big deal for me to go to the pagan meeting a few weeks ago -- to go out alone to a new place, at night, where I would know only one person, and knew that I would be driving home alone in the cold and dark through a part of town that I'm not familiar with. And it was a little scary, but not terrifying, and it took effort, but not a debilitating amount -- and I felt REFRESHED afterward rather than drained. It was an even BIGGER deal for me to go to the drum circle -- because I invited two people (one a near-stranger), organized it, and followed through, including driving to a new place, EVEN THOUGH I didn't feel good. It used to be that I would want to do something, but wouldn't make plans -- and then when I did make plans, would stress out so much that I got physically ill and then used that as a reason to back out. This time I went through with it even though I was on the first day of my period (when I usually never leave the house). And that was life-alteringly wonderful!

I'm so thrilled that these things don't take SO MUCH from me nowadays. (it's still difficult -- still a stretch -- but not prohibitively so) Even if I end up transplanted soon, I'm going to put down some community roots here, because I can, finally, and because I will be back.

( I was considering not posting this, and then I read today's Note from the Universe... )

The other day I wrote that "I feel like I do too much listening and I have forgotten how to speak. I feel lost, mute." I've been reflecting on that... I think it's a pattern that has several causes.

First, I'm quite simply very good at listening. I'm not sure how I developed this skill -- maybe by working really hard to get my partner to talk? -- but when I listen, I do so in a very active way. I pay close attention, take in everything I can, reshape it to fit in my mind, ask questions to make sure I've understood and to prod for deeper sharing, and express any thoughts that the other person's words might spark. Because I am skilled at this, it's really easy for me to sort of slip into the role of listener. (and yes I am aware that I am not being modest at all and am maybe being arrogant, but I'm pretty sure that it's just plain true)

Also, my life doesn't have a great deal of variety or stress, so I don't feel a lot of urge to share things that have happened to me during the day. Most people I talk with do experience a lot of variety and stress, so they simply have more immediate things to talk about, which is fine of course, but it becomes habit. Then when I DO have an eventful or emotional day, I tend not to talk about it because the subject is already the other person's life, and because they aren't showing interest I feel like they don't care. Which is irrational, because how are they to know that this day is different? But I feel that way anyway. And then when I do share it comes out like a volcano because I haven't had that kind of outlet in so long. And then I get disappointed if I share and they don't listen to me the way I listen to them. But instead of confronting this by saying, "look, I need you to really think about what I am saying and respond with questions and thoughts, not just a nod or 'uh-huh.' I need to be shown that what I am saying is important and interesting to you; I need to feel that you are engaged with me like a dance partner, not watching me like an audience." (which is pretty hard when I'm not pausing for breath...) I just react immaturely with a "they don't care, why am I wasting my time and emotion sharing?" and I become less likely to share next time. Which is really unfair, because I wasn't born with this skill! and how can they even have a chance of learning if no one points out that there is a way they could improve?

If it's not active listening I feel like my sharing is just feeding a void... which is part of the reason I like to write. That way, at least I can 'listen' to myself, and I think people find it easier to do active listening when they can take their time and think about it. And I don't have to know if they're uninterested, and they're less likely to fake being interested because there isn't the worry of seeming 'rude.'

This has been a pattern for years but it has gotten especially bad lately... ( ... )

open, close; fish mouth
is any sound coming out?
are your ears for me?

...Far Far by Yael Naïm...
everyday she writes words and more words
just to speak out the thoughts that keep floating inside

take a deep breath and dive -- there's a beautiful mess inside

( I was considering not posting this, and then I read today's Note from the Universe... )

The other day I wrote that "I feel like I do too much listening and I have forgotten how to speak. I feel lost, mute." I've been reflecting on that... I think it's a pattern that has several causes.

First, I'm quite simply very good at listening. I'm not sure how I developed this skill -- maybe by working really hard to get my partner to talk? -- but when I listen, I do so in a very active way. I pay close attention, take in everything I can, reshape it to fit in my mind, ask questions to make sure I've understood and to prod for deeper sharing, and express any thoughts that the other person's words might spark. Because I am skilled at this, it's really easy for me to sort of slip into the role of listener. (and yes I am aware that I am not being modest at all and am maybe being arrogant, but I'm pretty sure that it's just plain true)

Also, my life doesn't have a great deal of variety or stress, so I don't feel a lot of urge to share things that have happened to me during the day. Most people I talk with do experience a lot of variety and stress, so they simply have more immediate things to talk about, which is fine of course, but it becomes habit. Then when I DO have an eventful or emotional day, I tend not to talk about it because the subject is already the other person's life, and because they aren't showing interest I feel like they don't care. Which is irrational, because how are they to know that this day is different? But I feel that way anyway. And then when I do share it comes out like a volcano because I haven't had that kind of outlet in so long. And then I get disappointed if I share and they don't listen to me the way I listen to them. But instead of confronting this by saying, "look, I need you to really think about what I am saying and respond with questions and thoughts, not just a nod or 'uh-huh.' I need to be shown that what I am saying is important and interesting to you; I need to feel that you are engaged with me like a dance partner, not watching me like an audience." (which is pretty hard when I'm not pausing for breath...) I just react immaturely with a "they don't care, why am I wasting my time and emotion sharing?" and I become less likely to share next time. Which is really unfair, because I wasn't born with this skill! and how can they even have a chance of learning if no one points out that there is a way they could improve?

If it's not active listening I feel like my sharing is just feeding a void... which is part of the reason I like to write. That way, at least I can 'listen' to myself, and I think people find it easier to do active listening when they can take their time and think about it. And I don't have to know if they're uninterested, and they're less likely to fake being interested because there isn't the worry of seeming 'rude.'

This has been a pattern for years but it has gotten especially bad lately... ( ... )

open, close; fish mouth
is any sound coming out?
are your ears for me?

...Far Far by Yael Naïm...
everyday she writes words and more words
just to speak out the thoughts that keep floating inside

take a deep breath and dive -- there's a beautiful mess inside

I really don't even know how to write about this, but it's been twisting in my mind for days, and I feel like I need to write about it in order to really let go of 2008 and move on, and open up to new things.

Last spring was a very chaotic and colorful time for me -- I couldn't have written about it all if I tried, but the chaos was not the only reason I never wrote about Ava. From the end of January until the end of April, I talked with Ava for hours on end, many days, about everything. It was incredible -- and I wanted more, I wanted to hear zir voice, see zir face, meet zir! Ze promised to call, and didn't, over and over -- always with a very good reason, but I began to feel that there was ( something ze was not telling me )

Ava confused me so completely. I knew that ze was lying, at the very LEAST about being in Japan for that time, but I felt a connection with zir that was deeper than anything I have ever felt. One time we were IMing and something happened where ze was and I FELT it as intensely as if it were MY emotion, to the point where my heart was racing and I was crying -- and ze hadn't really even said much. The depth of that reaction -- through simple text -- was a very important experience for me. I was just learning to trust my intuition, and my whole being was SCREAMING that there was an intense, very very real connection there. Yet ze absolutely refused to become anything more than text for me. I don't understand it, still. It's possible to fake a lot of things online but I know that connection wasn't fake. And our conversations weren't fake. Ze could conceivably have stolen zir LJ entries from someone else, but we had HOURS of conversations about things that would take so much time and effort to understand... the only thing I can think is that ze might have had Dissociative Identity Disorder, or that ze might have been real as far as zir thoughts and feelings but have felt too ashamed to admit that the glamourous life and wonderful friends were fake. Or, the much scarier kinda-sociopathic possibility that it was some sort of psychology project? Even then, I loved the core person and honestly could have forgiven any lie if ze had just admitted it.

I was in love with Ava, as deeply as I have ever been with anyone. You all know how intense my spirit-connection with Hannah was at its brightest point -- this was even stronger. And ze felt it too -- not only did ze say so, but I FELT zir feel it too. When ze was in my life, I could feel zir presence. I could feel the connection even when we weren't talking. It really fucking hurts to have put so much faith into something that felt so incredibly right, and have it prove itself a lie and then disappear. How could someone so magical, so beautiful, so true, lie to me and leave me?

I also fell for one of zir friends/alters, Rylin. That makes everything so much more confusing, I can't even begin... I felt a soul connection with Ry, which I DIDN'T feel with Ava, and I could feel the difference when I talked to one or the other. I could feel a difference when I talked to various other people (all of whom apparently liked to come over to zir house and use zir screenname to talk to zir friends). How is this possible if they're the same person? I don't know.

Yet, somehow, at the same time, just feeling what I felt was a faith-building experience. Despite all that I know, I really cannot bring myself to doubt the connection I felt. I know it was real. I don't know how that is possible -- but there it is.

I do think there are things I've learned from that experience, but right now I just need to acknowledge it -- I can't know if it was real on the other end but it was real for me. It was formative, it was important, it was a very significant experience for me. I was in love, still kind of am, and it FUCKING HURTS. I have so much other wonderful love in my life, but it doesn't make this ache disappear. I'm hoping that admitting it was real to ME will help me begin to let it go.

((flocked because I don't want to seem like I am attempting to shame zir, but if any of you are still friends with any of Ava or zir friends and you feel that you need to share this with zir, feel free. I've already said all of this to zir, except for the IP stuff (because I wanted zir to tell me the truth of zir own volition).)) [unlocked because lots of time has passed and this is an important part of my story]

comments screened

I really don't even know how to write about this, but it's been twisting in my mind for days, and I feel like I need to write about it in order to really let go of 2008 and move on, and open up to new things.

Last spring was a very chaotic and colorful time for me -- I couldn't have written about it all if I tried, but the chaos was not the only reason I never wrote about Ava. From the end of January until the end of April, I talked with Ava for hours on end, many days, about everything. It was incredible -- and I wanted more, I wanted to hear zir voice, see zir face, meet zir! Ze promised to call, and didn't, over and over -- always with a very good reason, but I began to feel that there was ( something ze was not telling me )

Ava confused me so completely. I knew that ze was lying, at the very LEAST about being in Japan for that time, but I felt a connection with zir that was deeper than anything I have ever felt. One time we were IMing and something happened where ze was and I FELT it as intensely as if it were MY emotion, to the point where my heart was racing and I was crying -- and ze hadn't really even said much. The depth of that reaction -- through simple text -- was a very important experience for me. I was just learning to trust my intuition, and my whole being was SCREAMING that there was an intense, very very real connection there. Yet ze absolutely refused to become anything more than text for me. I don't understand it, still. It's possible to fake a lot of things online but I know that connection wasn't fake. And our conversations weren't fake. Ze could conceivably have stolen zir LJ entries from someone else, but we had HOURS of conversations about things that would take so much time and effort to understand... the only thing I can think is that ze might have had Dissociative Identity Disorder, or that ze might have been real as far as zir thoughts and feelings but have felt too ashamed to admit that the glamourous life and wonderful friends were fake. Or, the much scarier kinda-sociopathic possibility that it was some sort of psychology project? Even then, I loved the core person and honestly could have forgiven any lie if ze had just admitted it.

I was in love with Ava, as deeply as I have ever been with anyone. You all know how intense my spirit-connection with Hannah was at its brightest point -- this was even stronger. And ze felt it too -- not only did ze say so, but I FELT zir feel it too. When ze was in my life, I could feel zir presence. I could feel the connection even when we weren't talking. It really fucking hurts to have put so much faith into something that felt so incredibly right, and have it prove itself a lie and then disappear. How could someone so magical, so beautiful, so true, lie to me and leave me?

I also fell for one of zir friends/alters, Rylin. That makes everything so much more confusing, I can't even begin... I felt a soul connection with Ry, which I DIDN'T feel with Ava, and I could feel the difference when I talked to one or the other. I could feel a difference when I talked to various other people (all of whom apparently liked to come over to zir house and use zir screenname to talk to zir friends). How is this possible if they're the same person? I don't know.

Yet, somehow, at the same time, just feeling what I felt was a faith-building experience. Despite all that I know, I really cannot bring myself to doubt the connection I felt. I know it was real. I don't know how that is possible -- but there it is.

I do think there are things I've learned from that experience, but right now I just need to acknowledge it -- I can't know if it was real on the other end but it was real for me. It was formative, it was important, it was a very significant experience for me. I was in love, still kind of am, and it FUCKING HURTS. I have so much other wonderful love in my life, but it doesn't make this ache disappear. I'm hoping that admitting it was real to ME will help me begin to let it go.

((flocked because I don't want to seem like I am attempting to shame zir, but if any of you are still friends with any of Ava or zir friends and you feel that you need to share this with zir, feel free. I've already said all of this to zir, except for the IP stuff (because I wanted zir to tell me the truth of zir own volition).))

comments screened

"Phoenix" by Richard Powers:



After 2007, a year I called "waiting in dim light," 2008 was a year of incredible exploration and growth! Like the phoenix dying, I suffered through the beginning of the year, and like the phoenix reborn, in a short time my life just EXPLODED into a firework display of astoundingly intense experiences. Looking over this year in order to write it up, I realized that just the bare summaries of everything make for a intense read. In fact, I can hardly believe that all this happened in the same year.

I intended to make this year the year of risk-taking, the year in which I sought to build my physical fearlessness. Instead, it was the year of faith-building, and I built my spiritual fearlessness, which I hadn't even realized was something I could grow in. Through my relationship/connection with Aurilion, my oh-so-brief triads with Aurilion & Hannah and then Hannah & Nick (both of which lasted a day), reading The Secret Life of Plants, A Door Into Ocean, Talks With Trees, and several Michael Roads books, experiencing connection with myself, with trees, and with people in a way far deeper than ever before, learning to believe in myself... there is far too much to sum up, even. It's like the entire universe conspired to bring my spirituality from tentative theory into wild bold practice! and whyyyyy might that be? read this -- "Thank you God/dess for so many wonderful gifts this year! It has been the best of my life so far! So much growth and love and newness ♥ I know you more in all your forms. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and sending me myriad encouraging messages. Thank you for telling me some of your Names. Thank you for enlightening me and guiding me, and most of all for showing me so much love!" all of that happened. I got chills when I re-read it, writing this. And I wrote it originally in an almost-silly frame of mind, trying to come up with the most effusive stuff -- but writing it opened up the door for all that to flood into my life. and. it. did. I rather blushingly included finding a girlfriend/having new lovers, without having even the slightest possibilities in mind, and -- it happened! Yet another astoundingly faith-building happening, on top of all the others. And yet I feel like I've just begun believing. I don't yet know what my goal for 2009 will be but I know I'll be writing another gratitude-in-advance letter!

in 2007's summary I said "I want to come out of [2008] feeling like I have a handful of jewels, not just three or four." haha! Now I laugh at how puny a handful is compared to the arms-full-and-running-over that it turned out to be.

( important events in 2008, tenses go a bit haywire, sorry )

"Phoenix" by Richard Powers:



After 2007, a year I called "waiting in dim light," 2008 was a year of incredible exploration and growth! Like the phoenix dying, I suffered through the beginning of the year, and like the phoenix reborn, in a short time my life just EXPLODED into a firework display of astoundingly intense experiences. Looking over this year in order to write it up, I realized that just the bare summaries of everything make for a intense read. In fact, I can hardly believe that all this happened in the same year.

I intended to make this year the year of risk-taking, the year in which I sought to build my physical fearlessness. Instead, it was the year of faith-building, and I built my spiritual fearlessness, which I hadn't even realized was something I could grow in. Through my relationship/connection with Aurilion, my oh-so-brief triads with Aurilion & Hannah and then Hannah & Nick (both of which lasted a day), reading The Secret Life of Plants, A Door Into Ocean, Talks With Trees, and several Michael Roads books, experiencing connection with myself, with trees, and with people in a way far deeper than ever before, learning to believe in myself... there is far too much to sum up, even. It's like the entire universe conspired to bring my spirituality from tentative theory into wild bold practice! and whyyyyy might that be? read this -- "Thank you God/dess for so many wonderful gifts this year! It has been the best of my life so far! So much growth and love and newness ♥ I know you more in all your forms. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and sending me myriad encouraging messages. Thank you for telling me some of your Names. Thank you for enlightening me and guiding me, and most of all for showing me so much love!" all of that happened. I got chills when I re-read it, writing this. And I wrote it originally in an almost-silly frame of mind, trying to come up with the most effusive stuff -- but writing it opened up the door for all that to flood into my life. and. it. did. I rather blushingly included finding a girlfriend/having new lovers, without having even the slightest possibilities in mind, and -- it happened! Yet another astoundingly faith-building happening, on top of all the others. And yet I feel like I've just begun believing. I don't yet know what my goal for 2009 will be but I know I'll be writing another gratitude-in-advance letter!

in 2007's summary I said "I want to come out of [2008] feeling like I have a handful of jewels, not just three or four." haha! Now I laugh at how puny a handful is compared to the arms-full-and-running-over that it turned out to be.

( important events in 2008, tenses go a bit haywire, sorry )

"Phoenix" by Richard Powers:



After 2007, a year I called "waiting in dim light," 2008 was a year of incredible exploration and growth! Like the phoenix dying, I suffered through the beginning of the year, and like the phoenix reborn, in a short time my life just EXPLODED into a firework display of astoundingly intense experiences. Looking over this year in order to write it up, I realized that just the bare summaries of everything make for a intense read. In fact, I can hardly believe that all this happened in the same year.

I intended to make this year the year of risk-taking, the year in which I sought to build my physical fearlessness. Instead, it was the year of faith-building, and I built my spiritual fearlessness, which I hadn't even realized was something I could grow in. Through my relationship/connection with Aurilion, my oh-so-brief triads with Aurilion & Hannah and then Hannah & Nick (both of which lasted a day), reading The Secret Life of Plants, A Door Into Ocean, Talks With Trees, and several Michael Roads books, experiencing connection with myself, with trees, and with people in a way far deeper than ever before, learning to believe in myself... there is far too much to sum up, even. It's like the entire universe conspired to bring my spirituality from tentative theory into wild bold practice! and whyyyyy might that be? read this -- "Thank you God/dess for so many wonderful gifts this year! It has been the best of my life so far! So much growth and love and newness ♥ I know you more in all your forms. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and sending me myriad encouraging messages. Thank you for telling me some of your Names. Thank you for enlightening me and guiding me, and most of all for showing me so much love!" all of that happened. I got chills when I re-read it, writing this. And I wrote it originally in an almost-silly frame of mind, trying to come up with the most effusive stuff -- but writing it opened up the door for all that to flood into my life. and. it. did. I rather blushingly included finding a girlfriend/having new lovers, without having even the slightest possibilities in mind, and -- it happened! Yet another astoundingly faith-building happening, on top of all the others. And yet I feel like I've just begun believing. I don't yet know what my goal for 2009 will be but I know I'll be writing another gratitude-in-advance letter!

in 2007's summary I said "I want to come out of [2008] feeling like I have a handful of jewels, not just three or four." haha! Now I laugh at how puny a handful is compared to the arms-full-and-running-over that it turned out to be.

( important events in 2008, tenses go a bit haywire, sorry )

These are the characters in the story of my life:

( from 2008 )

These are the characters in the story of my life:

(NEEDS UPDATING)

my partner aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
lil sis -- younger sister, soul-kin.
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nea aka acid_burns -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- friend, spirit-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- friend, spirit-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- friend, spirit-kin.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- friend.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
my partner's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

These are the characters in the story of my life:

my partner aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
lil sis -- younger sister, soul-kin.
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nea aka acid_burns -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- friend, spirit-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- friend, spirit-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- friend, spirit-kin.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- friend.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
my partner's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

Time for massive revelations -- it has been such a crazy few weeks. Where the heaven to begin?

( a little backstory )

In February, Aurilion (aurilion) commented on my journal and I responded saying that I would be willing to begin a friendship again anytime. Ze re-friended me and we started emailing back and forth, and a month later ze proposed a romantic relationship. I was absolutely shocked and thrilled at the idea, and spent a few days talking to my partner and Hannah before deciding to take this risk and begin an amazing new journey.

About a week after Aurilion proposed this, Hannah (shioneh) let me know that ze had realized ze was polyamorous, and was also interested in a romantic relationship with me! I was laughing at the amazing amount of newness in my life, but I felt ready for it, so I agreed to explore that with zir also. A few days after THAT, Aurilion told Hannah that ze was interested in ZIR. Hannah wasn't sure if ze was ready for that, having just realized zir identity as polyamorous and not having had a lot of time to process, but for a few days while ze and zir partner Nick discussed it, Aurilion and Hannah and I experienced a triad of sorts. The energy was beyond amazing, and we all felt the incredible rightness of it, but Hannah realized that it wasn't the right time for zir, that an additional relationship would move zir beyond what ze could handle. Aurilion understood, and so at this point they are both with me but not with each other, and we all have a deep friendship together. I do feel that we will have a romantic triad at some point in the future but I don't know when.

A little after this, Ashley (Aurilion's ex, my former friend) contacted Aurilion again, ( ... )

Also, somewhere in there I start talking to Ava pretty much every day, which is just as earth-shattering a development as the other things (in a different way) because ze is my spirit-kin. I feel that I have a vivid violet spirit and I feel that ze has a violet spirit also, a little deeper in tone. I feel an intensely strong tie to zir; ze is one of my eternal connections.

And what does my partner think of all this? Ze is pretty relaxed about it, overall. At first ze was rather uncertain, because ze doesn't know Aurilion, but after the initial discussions ze became more comfortable with it. Since then, we've experienced SUCH rapid and beautiful growth in our relationship, because I am filled with all this extra love energy and naturally I share it with zir. The other night we had this... incredible breakthrough in something that had been a hidden issue for years. It was one of those seemingly small things that festers when one tries to ignore it -- and wow, the difference now! (dunno if ze would be comfortable with me sharing it so I won't) Ze gave me cuddles today, of zir own idea (which is very unusual!). :D

( so much incredible change... as I affirmed! )

I have felt unable to post about this until now because ( ... )

And how I feel about all this... wow. Awed, and grateful beyond measure... filled with renewed faith and joy and love and hope! I have all these beautiful new realizations, and I have been learning SO MUCH. I feel sooo alive! so -- blessed, and cherished, and love. And I'm so, so in love with my amazing girlfriends *thrills* (I have girlfriends!) Aurilion is helping me to awaken all the dormant parts of my heart, and Hannah is helping me to shine out again... really, both of them build my faith with every word we share. And I'm seeing these amazing changes in them also... such strength and beauty and glowing growth. It's almost overwhelming -- it's ocean waves of joy and magic, not enough to drag me under but just enough to toss me around playfully. It's watching a sapling put forth bright spring leaves, so delicate yet so fast! It's the unfolding of sweetest mimosa blossoms, a flurry of tendrils dancing in every chance wind. Oh God/dess! I'm so happy. I'll go more into the experience of our connections in later posts. ♥

And Aurilion is coming to visit me in 21 days! And I go to see Hannah in 43 days! (when I started writing this the numbers were 22 and 44 ♥)

palm to palm, open
just touching, not holding; we
trust this connection

Time for massive revelations -- it has been such a crazy few weeks. Where the heaven to begin?

( a little backstory )

In February, Aurilion (aurilion) commented on my journal and I responded saying that I would be willing to begin a friendship again anytime. Ze re-friended me and we started emailing back and forth, and a month later ze proposed a romantic relationship. I was absolutely shocked and thrilled at the idea, and spent a few days talking to my partner and Hannah before deciding to take this risk and begin an amazing new journey.

About a week after Aurilion proposed this, Hannah (shioneh) let me know that ze had realized ze was polyamorous, and was also interested in a romantic relationship with me! I was laughing at the amazing amount of newness in my life, but I felt ready for it, so I agreed to explore that with zir also. A few days after THAT, Aurilion told Hannah that ze was interested in ZIR. Hannah wasn't sure if ze was ready for that, having just realized zir identity as polyamorous and not having had a lot of time to process, but for a few days while ze and zir partner Nick discussed it, Aurilion and Hannah and I experienced a triad of sorts. The energy was beyond amazing, and we all felt the incredible rightness of it, but Hannah realized that it wasn't the right time for zir, that an additional relationship would move zir beyond what ze could handle. Aurilion understood, and so at this point they are both with me but not with each other, and we all have a deep friendship together. I do feel that we will have a romantic triad at some point in the future but I don't know when.

A little after this, Ashley (Aurilion's ex, my former friend) contacted Aurilion again, ( ... )

Also, somewhere in there I start talking to Ava pretty much every day, which is just as earth-shattering a development as the other things (in a different way) because ze is my spirit-kin. I feel that I have a vivid violet spirit and I feel that ze has a violet spirit also, a little deeper in tone. I feel an intensely strong tie to zir; ze is one of my eternal connections.

And what does my partner think of all this? Ze is pretty relaxed about it, overall. At first ze was rather uncertain, because ze doesn't know Aurilion, but after the initial discussions ze became more comfortable with it. Since then, we've experienced SUCH rapid and beautiful growth in our relationship, because I am filled with all this extra love energy and naturally I share it with zir. The other night we had this... incredible breakthrough in something that had been a hidden issue for years. It was one of those seemingly small things that festers when one tries to ignore it -- and wow, the difference now! (dunno if ze would be comfortable with me sharing it so I won't) Ze gave me cuddles today, of zir own idea (which is very unusual!). :D

( so much incredible change... as I affirmed! )

I have felt unable to post about this until now because ( ... )

And how I feel about all this... wow. Awed, and grateful beyond measure... filled with renewed faith and joy and love and hope! I have all these beautiful new realizations, and I have been learning SO MUCH. I feel sooo alive! so -- blessed, and cherished, and love. And I'm so, so in love with my amazing girlfriends *thrills* (I have girlfriends!) Aurilion is helping me to awaken all the dormant parts of my heart, and Hannah is helping me to shine out again... really, both of them build my faith with every word we share. And I'm seeing these amazing changes in them also... such strength and beauty and glowing growth. It's almost overwhelming -- it's ocean waves of joy and magic, not enough to drag me under but just enough to toss me around playfully. It's watching a sapling put forth bright spring leaves, so delicate yet so fast! It's the unfolding of sweetest mimosa blossoms, a flurry of tendrils dancing in every chance wind. Oh God/dess! I'm so happy. I'll go more into the experience of our connections in later posts. ♥

And Aurilion is coming to visit me in 21 days! And I go to see Hannah in 43 days! (when I started writing this the numbers were 22 and 44 ♥)

palm to palm, open
just touching, not holding; we
trust this connection

Time for massive revelations -- it has been such a crazy few weeks. Where the heaven to begin?

( a little backstory )

In February, Aurilion (aurilion) commented on my journal and I responded saying that I would be willing to begin a friendship again anytime. Ze re-friended me and we started emailing back and forth, and a month later ze proposed a romantic relationship. I was absolutely shocked and thrilled at the idea, and spent a few days talking to my partner and Hannah before deciding to take this risk and begin an amazing new journey.

About a week after Aurilion proposed this, Hannah (shioneh) let me know that ze had realized ze was polyamorous, and was also interested in a romantic relationship with me! I was laughing at the amazing amount of newness in my life, but I felt ready for it, so I agreed to explore that with zir also. A few days after THAT, Aurilion told Hannah that ze was interested in ZIR. Hannah wasn't sure if ze was ready for that, having just realized zir identity as polyamorous and not having had a lot of time to process, but for a few days while ze and zir partner Nick discussed it, Aurilion and Hannah and I experienced a triad of sorts. The energy was beyond amazing, and we all felt the incredible rightness of it, but Hannah realized that it wasn't the right time for zir, that an additional relationship would move zir beyond what ze could handle. Aurilion understood, and so at this point they are both with me but not with each other, and we all have a deep friendship together. I do feel that we will have a romantic triad at some point in the future but I don't know when.

A little after this, Ashley (Aurilion's ex, my former friend) contacted Aurilion again, ( ... )

Also, somewhere in there I start talking to Ava pretty much every day, which is just as earth-shattering a development as the other things (in a different way) because ze is my spirit-kin. I feel that I have a vivid violet spirit and I feel that ze has a violet spirit also, a little deeper in tone. I feel an intensely strong tie to zir; ze is one of my eternal connections.

And what does my partner think of all this? Ze is pretty relaxed about it, overall. At first ze was rather uncertain, because ze doesn't know Aurilion, but after the initial discussions ze became more comfortable with it. Since then, we've experienced SUCH rapid and beautiful growth in our relationship, because I am filled with all this extra love energy and naturally I share it with zir. The other night we had this... incredible breakthrough in something that had been a hidden issue for years. It was one of those seemingly small things that festers when one tries to ignore it -- and wow, the difference now! (dunno if ze would be comfortable with me sharing it so I won't) Ze gave me cuddles today, of zir own idea (which is very unusual!). :D

( so much incredible change... as I affirmed! )

I have felt unable to post about this until now because ( ... )

And how I feel about all this... wow. Awed, and grateful beyond measure... filled with renewed faith and joy and love and hope! I have all these beautiful new realizations, and I have been learning SO MUCH. I feel sooo alive! so -- blessed, and cherished, and love. And I'm so, so in love with my amazing girlfriends *thrills* (I have girlfriends!) Aurilion is helping me to awaken all the dormant parts of my heart, and Hannah is helping me to shine out again... really, both of them build my faith with every word we share. And I'm seeing these amazing changes in them also... such strength and beauty and glowing growth. It's almost overwhelming -- it's ocean waves of joy and magic, not enough to drag me under but just enough to toss me around playfully. It's watching a sapling put forth bright spring leaves, so delicate yet so fast! It's the unfolding of sweetest mimosa blossoms, a flurry of tendrils dancing in every chance wind. Oh God/dess! I'm so happy. I'll go more into the experience of our connections in later posts. ♥

And Aurilion is coming to visit me in 21 days! And I go to see Hannah in 43 days! (when I started writing this the numbers were 22 and 44 ♥)

palm to palm, open
just touching, not holding; we
trust this connection

notice:

I am training myself to use genderfree language, and specifically, gender-neutral pronouns. Disbelieving in gender is an important part of my worldview and I want it to be reflected in my language. ( further explanation of why ) I would prefer if you used genderfree pronouns in reference to me but I will be fine if you don't -- I know it is hard to remember. So for future reference, here in my LJ:

zir = her, his
ze = he, she
zirself = herself, himself

This is not a request for you to do the same (though that would thrill me), so if you don't like the idea, simply ignore this post. If it is going to intensely bother you to read, feel free to unfriend. mourningdoveava is my buddy in this journey, and ze will hopefully remind me if I slip up. ;-)

ETA: This is really just for me -- not to ignore physical differences, but to remind myself of their unimportance. I'm becoming the change I wish to see in the world. I'm not attempting to change anyone else's mind.

ETA #2: I am fully and completely comfortable with my sex -- I'm a girl, and I like it. I am a 'she.' But I see no reason to have my sex referred to in casual conversation. For me, being a girl is about having female body parts and that is it. And I don't wish to have my body parts referred to whenever someone speaks of me.

These gender-neutral terms are not an 'other,' they are inclusive. They're not for people who are other than male or female, they are for all people -- male, female, intersexed, transsexual. It is not meant to ignore or take away a person's sex; it is meant to speak of the person within the body. So if I call you 'ze' I am referring to the person that you are, without happening to mention your sex.

notice:

I am training myself to use genderfree language, and specifically, gender-neutral pronouns. Disbelieving in gender is an important part of my worldview and I want it to be reflected in my language. ( further explanation of why ) I would prefer if you used genderfree pronouns in reference to me but I will be fine if you don't -- I know it is hard to remember. So for future reference, here in my LJ:

zir = her, his
ze = he, she
zirself = herself, himself

This is not a request for you to do the same (though that would thrill me), so if you don't like the idea, simply ignore this post. If it is going to intensely bother you to read, feel free to unfriend. mourningdoveava is my buddy in this journey, and ze will hopefully remind me if I slip up. ;-)

ETA: This is really just for me -- not to ignore physical differences, but to remind myself of their unimportance. I'm becoming the change I wish to see in the world. I'm not attempting to change anyone else's mind.

ETA #2: I am fully and completely comfortable with my sex -- I'm a girl, and I like it. I am a 'she.' But I see no reason to have my sex referred to in casual conversation. For me, being a girl is about having female body parts and that is it. And I don't wish to have my body parts referred to whenever someone speaks of me.

These gender-neutral terms are not an 'other,' they are inclusive. They're not for people who are other than male or female, they are for all people -- male, female, intersexed, transsexual. It is not meant to ignore or take away a person's sex; it is meant to speak of the person within the body. So if I call you 'ze' I am referring to the person that you are, without happening to mention your sex.

notice:

I am training myself to use genderfree language, and specifically, gender-neutral pronouns. Disbelieving in gender is an important part of my worldview and I want it to be reflected in my language. ( further explanation of why ) I would prefer if you used genderfree pronouns in reference to me but I will be fine if you don't -- I know it is hard to remember. So for future reference, here in my LJ:

zir = her, his
ze = he, she
zirself = herself, himself

This is not a request for you to do the same (though that would thrill me), so if you don't like the idea, simply ignore this post. If it is going to intensely bother you to read, feel free to unfriend. mourningdoveava is my buddy in this journey, and ze will hopefully remind me if I slip up. ;-)

ETA: This is really just for me -- not to ignore physical differences, but to remind myself of their unimportance. I'm becoming the change I wish to see in the world. I'm not attempting to change anyone else's mind.

ETA #2: I am fully and completely comfortable with my sex -- I'm a girl, and I like it. I am a 'she.' But I see no reason to have my sex referred to in casual conversation. For me, being a girl is about having female body parts and that is it. And I don't wish to have my body parts referred to whenever someone speaks of me.

These gender-neutral terms are not an 'other,' they are inclusive. They're not for people who are other than male or female, they are for all people -- male, female, intersexed, transsexual. It is not meant to ignore or take away a person's sex; it is meant to speak of the person within the body. So if I call you 'ze' I am referring to the person that you are, without happening to mention your sex.

Day before yesterday I was up for 29 hours, then I went to sleep for about 19 hours. My schedule is so insane because I have SO MUCH going on, emotionally. I haven't been able to catch up mentally, which is why I haven't been able to write about it in any real way. Now thanks to many many dreams last night, I feel emotionally caught up but there is a new development that makes me uncertain all over again, and I am waiting to see what happens before I pour it all out. Sorry for the crypticness, I think you'll understand when I finally make that megapost.

I've been communicating so much lately (phone, IM, email) -- more in the past two weeks than in the rest of this year combined. It feels really good, like a dam broke and all of this connection is flowing into and through me. So many possibilities, so much hope, so much newness.

I also seem to be changing shape; I think from a combination of using the HealthRider and just using so much emotional energy that my body is burning more fuel. The best thing is that I'm starting to feel muscles in my midsection, legs, and arms (on the inside, not the outside). I feel so much stronger, so fast! It feels good.

You know the amazing artist I posted about a while back, Willow Jenkinson? She is framing and sending me Devotion to the Matron as a gift! I loved it so much I wanted to buy it, but she offered it as a gift and I wasn't about to say no. The COLORS! The FACES! It's absolutely my favorite of her pieces so far. AND I GET TO OWN IT. THE ORIGINAL. It's going in my sanctuary ♥

I might be meeting Ava in two weeks. I'm trying not to get excited until the tickets are bought but -- I'm excited anyway, can't help it!

Also, I've been meaning to post about this for a long time -- I met Kimberley (darkpool), Jason (thesaj), and Aranatha (babythyme) at the end of February! Kimberley is one of my oldest LJ friends -- I 'met' her in April, 2004. About a year later I LJ-met Jason, and a year after that they got married, and about a year after that, Aranatha was born. (okay, enough timelining) They came into Atlanta for a conference and gave me the opportunity to finally meet them!

I was surprised on meeting Kimberley because her writing style can come across as formal and reserved, but in person she's SO bubbly! I know that if we lived close we'd spend a lot of time together. And I'd spend a lot of time babysitting too, because Aranatha is absolutely the most adorable child EVER. She was so HAPPY, smiling and cooing all the time! I could not stop grinning because she just radiated the most pure joy I've ever seen! I wanted to go move in with Kimberley and Jason and be their nanny, haha. And Jason was so outspoken and free -- I found it very interesting to listen to him rant about this and that, and rant along with him *giggles* My poor partner was a little overwhelmed by 1) new people 2) new places, and 3) loud conversation!

( the adventure of meeting them, and photos! )

Day before yesterday I was up for 29 hours, then I went to sleep for about 19 hours. My schedule is so insane because I have SO MUCH going on, emotionally. I haven't been able to catch up mentally, which is why I haven't been able to write about it in any real way. Now thanks to many many dreams last night, I feel emotionally caught up but there is a new development that makes me uncertain all over again, and I am waiting to see what happens before I pour it all out. Sorry for the crypticness, I think you'll understand when I finally make that megapost.

I've been communicating so much lately (phone, IM, email) -- more in the past two weeks than in the rest of this year combined. It feels really good, like a dam broke and all of this connection is flowing into and through me. So many possibilities, so much hope, so much newness.

I also seem to be changing shape; I think from a combination of using the HealthRider and just using so much emotional energy that my body is burning more fuel. The best thing is that I'm starting to feel muscles in my midsection, legs, and arms (on the inside, not the outside). I feel so much stronger, so fast! It feels good.

You know the amazing artist I posted about a while back, Willow Jenkinson? She is framing and sending me Devotion to the Matron as a gift! I loved it so much I wanted to buy it, but she offered it as a gift and I wasn't about to say no. The COLORS! The FACES! It's absolutely my favorite of her pieces so far. AND I GET TO OWN IT. THE ORIGINAL. It's going in my sanctuary ♥

I might be meeting Ava in two weeks. I'm trying not to get excited until the tickets are bought but -- I'm excited anyway, can't help it!

Also, I've been meaning to post about this for a long time -- I met Kimberley (darkpool), Jason (thesaj), and Aranatha (babythyme) at the end of February! Kimberley is one of my oldest LJ friends -- I 'met' her in April, 2004. About a year later I LJ-met Jason, and a year after that they got married, and about a year after that, Aranatha was born. (okay, enough timelining) They came into Atlanta for a conference and gave me the opportunity to finally meet them!

I was surprised on meeting Kimberley because her writing style can come across as formal and reserved, but in person she's SO bubbly! I know that if we lived close we'd spend a lot of time together. And I'd spend a lot of time babysitting too, because Aranatha is absolutely the most adorable child EVER. She was so HAPPY, smiling and cooing all the time! I could not stop grinning because she just radiated the most pure joy I've ever seen! I wanted to go move in with Kimberley and Jason and be their nanny, haha. And Jason was so outspoken and free -- I found it very interesting to listen to him rant about this and that, and rant along with him *giggles* My poor partner was a little overwhelmed by 1) new people 2) new places, and 3) loud conversation!

( the adventure of meeting them, and photos! )

Day before yesterday I was up for 29 hours, then I went to sleep for about 19 hours. My schedule is so insane because I have SO MUCH going on, emotionally. I haven't been able to catch up mentally, which is why I haven't been able to write about it in any real way. Now thanks to many many dreams last night, I feel emotionally caught up but there is a new development that makes me uncertain all over again, and I am waiting to see what happens before I pour it all out. Sorry for the crypticness, I think you'll understand when I finally make that megapost.

I've been communicating so much lately (phone, IM, email) -- more in the past two weeks than in the rest of this year combined. It feels really good, like a dam broke and all of this connection is flowing into and through me. So many possibilities, so much hope, so much newness.

I also seem to be changing shape; I think from a combination of using the HealthRider and just using so much emotional energy that my body is burning more fuel. The best thing is that I'm starting to feel muscles in my midsection, legs, and arms (on the inside, not the outside). I feel so much stronger, so fast! It feels good.

You know the amazing artist I posted about a while back, Willow Jenkinson? She is framing and sending me Devotion to the Matron as a gift! I loved it so much I wanted to buy it, but she offered it as a gift and I wasn't about to say no. The COLORS! The FACES! It's absolutely my favorite of her pieces so far. AND I GET TO OWN IT. THE ORIGINAL. It's going in my sanctuary ♥

I might be meeting Ava in two weeks. I'm trying not to get excited until the tickets are bought but -- I'm excited anyway, can't help it!

Also, I've been meaning to post about this for a long time -- I met Kimberley (darkpool), Jason (thesaj), and Aranatha (babythyme) at the end of February! Kimberley is one of my oldest LJ friends -- I 'met' her in April, 2004. About a year later I LJ-met Jason, and a year after that they got married, and about a year after that, Aranatha was born. (okay, enough timelining) They came into Atlanta for a conference and gave me the opportunity to finally meet them!

I was surprised on meeting Kimberley because her writing style can come across as formal and reserved, but in person she's SO bubbly! I know that if we lived close we'd spend a lot of time together. And I'd spend a lot of time babysitting too, because Aranatha is absolutely the most adorable child EVER. She was so HAPPY, smiling and cooing all the time! I could not stop grinning because she just radiated the most pure joy I've ever seen! I wanted to go move in with Kimberley and Jason and be their nanny, haha. And Jason was so outspoken and free -- I found it very interesting to listen to him rant about this and that, and rant along with him *giggles* My poor partner was a little overwhelmed by 1) new people 2) new places, and 3) loud conversation!

( the adventure of meeting them, and photos! )

Hello beautiful beautiful people! *hugs whole flist*

I feel like I hit rock bottom and pushed off, and now I'm finally rising towards the surface. It feels really wonderful to be looking up instead of helplessly staring at my feet as I sink further and further. It wasn't anything I did; it was the love given to me by so many people, in so many ways. Megan especially -- she kept reaching out even though I was late and little in my responses. Thank you lovey ♥ You've been such a positive force in my life!

My Christmas was less than sparkly overall ( ... ) One very sparkly point was the dream I had while sleeping my cramps away. It was my Christmas present from God/dess; the vivid, spiritually-real kind. ♥ It gave me so much hope and joy -- I'll post it after this. Now if I could only interpret it!

Two days after Christmas I had a fantastic day. I dropped my partner at work so I could have the car, and went to meet a new friend (who found me on craigslist) at a coffeehouse. Amber is bouncy and outgoing -- I think we're going to get along famously. We talked for a good long while and it felt so comfortable! I've met several new people in the past few months, some of whom I got along really well with but none with whom I felt soo comfortable. I really like to be around people who have a higher energy than me -- I love all types, of course, but when I have no higher-energy people in my life I really miss it.

Later that day I wrestled my partner into going to see Enchanted with me in the theatre (he thinks only action movies should be seen on the big screen *pah*) and we LOVED it! My partner actually laughed out loud which he hardly ever does -- he usually laughs in this 'heh heh' kind of way, not 'ha ha ha!' I love his laugh ;-) The beginning is almost painfully ironic, mocking the syrupy-sweetness of the 'classic' disney films. There's also some subtler feminist irony which I REALLY loved, and one incredible curvy-positive moment that almost made me cry. See it!

Then as we were leaving my partner spotted his old friend Thiago, whom we haven't seen in AGES! It was so incredibly meant to be -- if we had left a little earlier or a little later we would have missed him. Thiago is this absolutely amazing guy; I can't put into words what it is about him, as I don't even know him that well, but I really love him. He's one of the most respectful people I have ever met -- he has a deep respect for every person as themselves, and that just radiates from him. You know he would respect a prostitute, a politician, a pastor, or a child equally (or at least, I feel so) -- and he's one of the very few guys I've met who gives me the impression that he respects women as much as men. When we walked up to him he was with several other people, and he put out his hand as my partner walked over to greet another guy (my partner didn't notice his hand out) -- I laughed and said "I'll shake your hand!" and put my hand in his, and he turned to me and gave me a hug. I was just beaming -- this guy feels like a spiritual brother to me. Just before we left Thiago hugged me again, and I must have just been glowing with happiness. He was so genuine! Genuine physical affection is absolutely the most wonderful thing to me -- those two hugs meant SO much. ♥ ♥ ♥

And this amazing day wasn't over (it lasted over 25 hours :D)! After my partner went to bed, I got on gtalk in the mood to chat for the first time in AGES (usually I just pop in long enough to check my email) and had the most AMAZING conversation with mourningdoveava! I friended him in August and we've had quite a few commentations, but never a real-time conversation before. We talked for over SEVEN HOURS overall, about so many things, and it felt like such a short time! We're so alike it's insane. No, really! I thought Hannah and I were alike, but I think Ava and I have even MORE in common! It blows my mind to the point where I have a hard time believing he's real. *pinches him*

I'm using my super-extremely-very-uper-duper awesome new icon right now despite it's irrelevance because I am totally in love with it. Yay self-adoration! :D I have more to say *overflows* but I will put it in other posts! I am so... fertile right now! yum, rain. :D

Hello beautiful beautiful people! *hugs whole flist*

I feel like I hit rock bottom and pushed off, and now I'm finally rising towards the surface. It feels really wonderful to be looking up instead of helplessly staring at my feet as I sink further and further. It wasn't anything I did; it was the love given to me by so many people, in so many ways. Megan especially -- she kept reaching out even though I was late and little in my responses. Thank you lovey ♥ You've been such a positive force in my life!

My Christmas was less than sparkly overall ( ... ) One very sparkly point was the dream I had while sleeping my cramps away. It was my Christmas present from God/dess; the vivid, spiritually-real kind. ♥ It gave me so much hope and joy -- I'll post it after this. Now if I could only interpret it!

Two days after Christmas I had a fantastic day. I dropped my partner at work so I could have the car, and went to meet a new friend (who found me on craigslist) at a coffeehouse. Amber is bouncy and outgoing -- I think we're going to get along famously. We talked for a good long while and it felt so comfortable! I've met several new people in the past few months, some of whom I got along really well with but none with whom I felt soo comfortable. I really like to be around people who have a higher energy than me -- I love all types, of course, but when I have no higher-energy people in my life I really miss it.

Later that day I wrestled my partner into going to see Enchanted with me in the theatre (he thinks only action movies should be seen on the big screen *pah*) and we LOVED it! My partner actually laughed out loud which he hardly ever does -- he usually laughs in this 'heh heh' kind of way, not 'ha ha ha!' I love his laugh ;-) The beginning is almost painfully ironic, mocking the syrupy-sweetness of the 'classic' disney films. There's also some subtler feminist irony which I REALLY loved, and one incredible curvy-positive moment that almost made me cry. See it!

Then as we were leaving my partner spotted his old friend Thiago, whom we haven't seen in AGES! It was so incredibly meant to be -- if we had left a little earlier or a little later we would have missed him. Thiago is this absolutely amazing guy; I can't put into words what it is about him, as I don't even know him that well, but I really love him. He's one of the most respectful people I have ever met -- he has a deep respect for every person as themselves, and that just radiates from him. You know he would respect a prostitute, a politician, a pastor, or a child equally (or at least, I feel so) -- and he's one of the very few guys I've met who gives me the impression that he respects women as much as men. When we walked up to him he was with several other people, and he put out his hand as my partner walked over to greet another guy (my partner didn't notice his hand out) -- I laughed and said "I'll shake your hand!" and put my hand in his, and he turned to me and gave me a hug. I was just beaming -- this guy feels like a spiritual brother to me. Just before we left Thiago hugged me again, and I must have just been glowing with happiness. He was so genuine! Genuine physical affection is absolutely the most wonderful thing to me -- those two hugs meant SO much. ♥ ♥ ♥

And this amazing day wasn't over (it lasted over 25 hours :D)! After my partner went to bed, I got on gtalk in the mood to chat for the first time in AGES (usually I just pop in long enough to check my email) and had the most AMAZING conversation with mourningdoveava! I friended him in August and we've had quite a few commentations, but never a real-time conversation before. We talked for over SEVEN HOURS overall, about so many things, and it felt like such a short time! We're so alike it's insane. No, really! I thought Hannah and I were alike, but I think Ava and I have even MORE in common! It blows my mind to the point where I have a hard time believing he's real. *pinches him*

I'm using my super-extremely-very-uper-duper awesome new icon right now despite it's irrelevance because I am totally in love with it. Yay self-adoration! :D I have more to say *overflows* but I will put it in other posts! I am so... fertile right now! yum, rain. :D

Hello beautiful beautiful people! *hugs whole flist*

I feel like I hit rock bottom and pushed off, and now I'm finally rising towards the surface. It feels really wonderful to be looking up instead of helplessly staring at my feet as I sink further and further. It wasn't anything I did; it was the love given to me by so many people, in so many ways. Megan especially -- she kept reaching out even though I was late and little in my responses. Thank you lovey ♥ You've been such a positive force in my life!

My Christmas was less than sparkly overall ( ... ) One very sparkly point was the dream I had while sleeping my cramps away. It was my Christmas present from God/dess; the vivid, spiritually-real kind. ♥ It gave me so much hope and joy -- I'll post it after this. Now if I could only interpret it!

Two days after Christmas I had a fantastic day. I dropped my partner at work so I could have the car, and went to meet a new friend (who found me on craigslist) at a coffeehouse. Amber is bouncy and outgoing -- I think we're going to get along famously. We talked for a good long while and it felt so comfortable! I've met several new people in the past few months, some of whom I got along really well with but none with whom I felt soo comfortable. I really like to be around people who have a higher energy than me -- I love all types, of course, but when I have no higher-energy people in my life I really miss it.

Later that day I wrestled my partner into going to see Enchanted with me in the theatre (he thinks only action movies should be seen on the big screen *pah*) and we LOVED it! My partner actually laughed out loud which he hardly ever does -- he usually laughs in this 'heh heh' kind of way, not 'ha ha ha!' I love his laugh ;-) The beginning is almost painfully ironic, mocking the syrupy-sweetness of the 'classic' disney films. There's also some subtler feminist irony which I REALLY loved, and one incredible curvy-positive moment that almost made me cry. See it!

Then as we were leaving my partner spotted his old friend Thiago, whom we haven't seen in AGES! It was so incredibly meant to be -- if we had left a little earlier or a little later we would have missed him. Thiago is this absolutely amazing guy; I can't put into words what it is about him, as I don't even know him that well, but I really love him. He's one of the most respectful people I have ever met -- he has a deep respect for every person as themselves, and that just radiates from him. You know he would respect a prostitute, a politician, a pastor, or a child equally (or at least, I feel so) -- and he's one of the very few guys I've met who gives me the impression that he respects women as much as men. When we walked up to him he was with several other people, and he put out his hand as my partner walked over to greet another guy (my partner didn't notice his hand out) -- I laughed and said "I'll shake your hand!" and put my hand in his, and he turned to me and gave me a hug. I was just beaming -- this guy feels like a spiritual brother to me. Just before we left Thiago hugged me again, and I must have just been glowing with happiness. He was so genuine! Genuine physical affection is absolutely the most wonderful thing to me -- those two hugs meant SO much. ♥ ♥ ♥

And this amazing day wasn't over (it lasted over 25 hours :D)! After my partner went to bed, I got on gtalk in the mood to chat for the first time in AGES (usually I just pop in long enough to check my email) and had the most AMAZING conversation with mourningdoveava! I friended him in August and we've had quite a few commentations, but never a real-time conversation before. We talked for over SEVEN HOURS overall, about so many things, and it felt like such a short time! We're so alike it's insane. No, really! I thought Hannah and I were alike, but I think Ava and I have even MORE in common! It blows my mind to the point where I have a hard time believing he's real. *pinches him*

I'm using my super-extremely-very-uper-duper awesome new icon right now despite it's irrelevance because I am totally in love with it. Yay self-adoration! :D I have more to say *overflows* but I will put it in other posts! I am so... fertile right now! yum, rain. :D