Kisses! how I long for more -- why can't I kiss everyone in the world? and oh God/dess, hands. Really, I'm such a hands person. Hands and mouths (because it's mostly the lips but it's also the whole structure, y'know?) but hands first. There've been moments when I've held hands with someone and it felt more intimate than kissing or fucking.

I'm a little baffled at what my mind returns to lately. I'd have expected to pine and mourn and suffer over the Ash & Rob thing but I haven't been. Parts of it just sort of evaporated (can't really explain that because it's not only my story and it's too near) and the bits that are still painful I'm just avoiding the fuck out of. So instead what fills my mind is ( other doomed attractions )

Also if I have to move out of state that means that Ben and I will be on hiatus because ze doesn't do long distance. So that's a little depressing. It already sucks that living this far means I only get time alone with zir once a week. I mean, I'm grateful for that, but I need more intimate-connection-time than that. Not necessarily with the same person, not even necessarily romantic, just more. I need mindful cuddles everyday. I need naked, open conversation at least every other day. And you know? now that I'm thinking on it, if I were to move with the biofamily, I would get cuddles and naked-open-conversation all the time from my lil sis. And right this minute I want that more than anything else. :-(

But but! if I can stay here I can be with Ben and mayyyyyyyybe one of those who have laid claim to my mindspace and who knows what other possibilities? I do have a few leads on jobs (nothing definite yet) and I feel pretty sure I can find a decent place to live if I can find work that would actually pay my bills. And I could go back to school for free. I want that so much. I want THIS. I want here, this is my home.

And the idea of not being in Georgia in summer makes me ache and weep. I love Georgia in summer more than I've ever loved a person and I think more than I ever will love any single person. It's the most unbearable beauty and it breathes and embraces me, I need it. NEED. Please God/dess, please don't make me leave before I've had at least a little of it. I beg you, All-That-Has-Compassion, let me taste true summer.

Kisses! how I long for more -- why can't I kiss everyone in the world? and oh God/dess, hands. Really, I'm such a hands person. Hands and mouths (because it's mostly the lips but it's also the whole structure, y'know?) but hands first. There've been moments when I've held hands with someone and it felt more intimate than kissing or fucking.

I'm a little baffled at what my mind returns to lately. I'd have expected to pine and mourn and suffer over the Ash & Rob thing but I haven't been. Parts of it just sort of evaporated (can't really explain that because it's not only my story and it's too near) and the bits that are still painful I'm just avoiding the fuck out of. So instead what fills my mind is ( other doomed attractions )

Also if I have to move out of state that means that Ben and I will be on hiatus because ze doesn't do long distance. So that's a little depressing. It already sucks that living this far means I only get time alone with zir once a week. I mean, I'm grateful for that, but I need more intimate-connection-time than that. Not necessarily with the same person, not even necessarily romantic, just more. I need mindful cuddles everyday. I need naked, open conversation at least every other day. And you know? now that I'm thinking on it, if I were to move with the biofamily, I would get cuddles and naked-open-conversation all the time from my lil sis. And right this minute I want that more than anything else. :-(

But but! if I can stay here I can be with Ben and mayyyyyyyybe one of those who have laid claim to my mindspace and who knows what other possibilities? I do have a few leads on jobs (nothing definite yet) and I feel pretty sure I can find a decent place to live if I can find work that would actually pay my bills. And I could go back to school for free. I want that so much. I want THIS. I want here, this is my home.

And the idea of not being in Georgia in summer makes me ache and weep. I love Georgia in summer more than I've ever loved a person and I think more than I ever will love any single person. It's the most unbearable beauty and it breathes and embraces me, I need it. NEED. Please God/dess, please don't make me leave before I've had at least a little of it. I beg you, All-That-Has-Compassion, let me taste true summer.

I think Ash and I may develop a reputation (oops). It's hot now (HALLELUJAH!) and we keep our windows open and use fans instead of air conditioning (air-co, lol) and, well, Ash fell in love (and lust) last week and has had the new lover over almost every night since (and they've woken me up in the morning -- once with noises and twice with SHEER ENERGY). And I am pretty much incapable of being quiet when having sex with Ben (last night I think I was the loudest ever -- it's normal for me to scream occasionally but LAST night I screamed a LOT >:-]) so, if anyone's been on their balconies or had their windows open they've shared in our joy, haha.

I'm really, really happy for Ash -- this new relationship has created SUCH a shift for zir! And not just that, but the influx of creative energy (sex is a creative act for sure!) has completely changed the feel of the apartment. It almost seems like Ash's new relationship has finally cut zir ties with all the horribly shitty stuff that happened last year, and has started the healing process -- so now all that old stagnant stuff isn't in our space interfering with things. I think the overflow of their connection/creation is partly to credit for me finally having the courage and energy to look my ex in the eyes and see the truth (though I know spring had a lot to do with that too, and perhaps Geb did as well). And now it just feels good here -- I actually spend time in the living room sometimes (without the draw of a conversation, even).

See? this is why I love spring! it brings magic! also the green makes me happy every damn time I see it. LIFE!

I think Ash and I may develop a reputation (oops). It's hot now (HALLELUJAH!) and we keep our windows open and use fans instead of air conditioning (air-co, lol) and, well, Ash fell in love (and lust) last week and has had the new lover over almost every night since (and they've woken me up in the morning -- once with noises and twice with SHEER ENERGY). And I am pretty much incapable of being quiet when having sex with Ben (last night I think I was the loudest ever -- it's normal for me to scream occasionally but LAST night I screamed a LOT >:-]) so, if anyone's been on their balconies or had their windows open they've shared in our joy, haha.

I'm really, really happy for Ash -- this new relationship has created SUCH a shift for zir! And not just that, but the influx of creative energy (sex is a creative act for sure!) has completely changed the feel of the apartment. It almost seems like Ash's new relationship has finally cut zir ties with all the horribly shitty stuff that happened last year, and has started the healing process -- so now all that old stagnant stuff isn't in our space interfering with things. I think the overflow of their connection/creation is partly to credit for me finally having the courage and energy to look my ex in the eyes and see the truth (though I know spring had a lot to do with that too, and perhaps Geb did as well). And now it just feels good here -- I actually spend time in the living room sometimes (without the draw of a conversation, even).

See? this is why I love spring! it brings magic! also the green makes me happy every damn time I see it. LIFE!

FINALLY I FEEL LIKE WRITING. Oh this will be quite the looooong rambly entry. I'll put it (mostly) in a lj-cut list!

( have been sick )

On a much happier note, the past two days have been HEAVENLY WARM and today driving home from work I looked at the spring green in the trees and actually started crying with joy (and am tearing up now thinking on it). Oh God/dess, the sun is back, my lover has not deserted me forever. I cannot express the intensity of my relief at feeling spring finally open up for me. Spring and summer is such magic for me... every year I get to the end of winter and wonder how I survived for months without green I can taste and heat that fills my bones and sunlight that actually touches me and breezes that sneak under the heat to lick my skin. OH GOD/DESS SUMMER IS COMING I can live again. I want to bury my fingers in warm soil and burn myself with sun-kisses and stream with heat-lust and breathe in the sex of trees. Oh my God. I love Georgian summers maybe more than I've ever loved a person. I can live without an individual person but I really think I would wither and die without these summers.

( Ash is spilling over sexual/romantic energy on me )

( I buzzed my hair which has had a strange affect on my self-image )

( feeling like a bore )

( specialness from my birthday )

( Kate and Kay sent me AMAZING MULTI-PRESENTS )

I am sheerly spoilt with amazing friends! I loooove you!

FINALLY I FEEL LIKE WRITING. Oh this will be quite the looooong rambly entry. I'll put it (mostly) in a lj-cut list!

( have been sick )

On a much happier note, the past two days have been HEAVENLY WARM and today driving home from work I looked at the spring green in the trees and actually started crying with joy (and am tearing up now thinking on it). Oh God/dess, the sun is back, my lover has not deserted me forever. I cannot express the intensity of my relief at feeling spring finally open up for me. Spring and summer is such magic for me... every year I get to the end of winter and wonder how I survived for months without green I can taste and heat that fills my bones and sunlight that actually touches me and breezes that sneak under the heat to lick my skin. OH GOD/DESS SUMMER IS COMING I can live again. I want to bury my fingers in warm soil and burn myself with sun-kisses and stream with heat-lust and breathe in the sex of trees. Oh my God. I love Georgian summers maybe more than I've ever loved a person. I can live without an individual person but I really think I would wither and die without these summers.

( Ash is spilling over sexual/romantic energy on me )

( I buzzed my hair which has had a strange affect on my self-image )

( feeling like a bore )

( specialness from my birthday )

( Kate and Kay sent me AMAZING MULTI-PRESENTS )

I am sheerly spoilt with amazing friends! I loooove you!