what are your experiences with spiritual communities? (from here)

I had one I really loved from age 13 to age 22, liberty church; everyone was friendly, the sermons were useful in a practical way (as in, not just saying "don't lie 'cause god said so" but "lying creates these harms, and here are some ways to be more honest"), racism was acknowledged and actively resisted through a multiracial leadership, emphasis on the fact that Jesus wasn't white, and the encouragement of interracial friendship (though now looking back it was really a surface-level resistance, with no real discussion of privilege), the worship felt real and genuine while the songs were more about connection than groveling, and for many years the pastor began sermons with "this is just my interpretation: you must check with God, your own spirit, and the Bible to be sure it is true." But the pastor quit doing that and attacked me and told me I didn't belong when I pointed out that Jesus said love is more important than anything, including getting more people to join your church. Since then I have had little moments of spiritual community, but nothing that really included me in any lasting way.

what would your ideal spiritual community "look" like, given your beliefs now?

It is a group of people with varying beliefs and pantheons, but shared values of justice and reverence as well as strong love of the forest. We meet once a week for an hour via videochat, to meditate and maybe chant or sing or dance or do ritual movement. We meet in person once a month and take turns presenting and teaching each other things we had learned (if there were long-distance members they would videochat in just for the learning portion). At our meetings we also share food, gift each other energy, and perhaps perform ritual or create/work on sacred objects. At least twice a year we offer whatever spiritual services we can perform (energy work, divination, etc) to our local community. We have some kind of dedicated message thread on fb or email and if we have an intuitive urge or a spiritual need or the like, we share it with the group. We make specific goals for growth and tell each other and hold each other accountable (when desired) to making efforts towards these goals.

So since I've been back from TBC, Topaz and I haven't spent more than about 12 hours apart (at a time)... it's so intense. I don't really have words for it. Constant cuddles and lots of sensual touch and some of the most connected, intense sex I've ever had. It's a little weird to me to be spending so much time with one person but it feels right so I'm going with it, and I know this is zir last semester in school which means that the amount of time we're spending right now probably won't be possible again, not like this, so I'm soaking it the fuck up while I can. It's easy and comfortable and exciting and eternal. It feels like time with Hannah felt when ze would come to visit, so full of growth it's almost painful, almost. My heart occasionally goes "AGH I need a break, this expansion is more than I can handle." We can spend time together doing things like homework and writing, having down time without being separate. When I notice and mention disconnection ze responds by immediately opening up -- no defensiveness, no hesitancy, just renewal. That feels so good. And ze can go to places I thought only existed in my own head.

So I was doing the affirmation for a while and asking for a local person who had time and energy to invest in me and would want to invest it in me, who would inspire me spiritually and help my faith grow, who would be a social justice activist who got pissed off about inequality, and at first I was like "no it can't be Topaz, because ze doesn't have time/energy." but that was wrong, and Topaz is everything I asked for, everything and more. I think my current favorite thing about zir is that ze's so fucking brave. Most people when faced with a problem either hide or run or procrastinate, but Topaz just does it immediately.

Also also we went to see Cloud Atlas for Sagan's birthday (Sagan is a lodestar for Topaz) and it was the most profound experience I've ever had with a movie, and I could feel Topaz feeling it as much (Kylei and Adi and Roree too but less intensely), and the resonance shone. And I cried and shook with emotion afterward and Topaz was falling over... and I sort of expected for zir to consider zir connection with the film more profound (very strange reaction, not sure why) but ze so didn't, and ze got me a copy of the book the next day. And ze told me that this experience I had with zir the other day, that ze couldn't find words for, made zir feel like the film made zir feel, which pretty much made my heart explode.

I had a really nourishing conversation with a new friend today (one of the people who had messaged me). Ze's super open in a way that only Hannah and Kylei have been with me; not just truthful but self-exploratory and sharing without editing. It was so GOOD to feel that; I felt allowed to be naked in a way I haven't felt for a long time. We talked for four and a half hours. I hope that we can become strong friends. And I also feel scared of that because ze reminds me of Ava, and I just can't even imagine going through THAT again. Not that it is even possible, but the fear is there anyway.

I'm still constantly on the verge of tears. But they're clean tears, not poison ones. I don't know how to explain that. I suppose it's that I feel like I'm hurting a lot but it's almost like I just came out of shock and the damage is not being done any more but it hasn't quite started healing yet either. I just want to curl up in watery roots and cry until something grows around me. I've just been missing so many people for so long. I need presence.

N/A* is so good for me. I realize this anew every time I talk about it with someone. I've really learned how to advocate through N/A*, mostly through the practice it's given me. I've learned that my thoughts and efforts are useful and can create positive change. I've started to believe that what I have to give (teaching-wise) is worth offering. I feel such a strong bond with everyone who is active in N/A* -- which is awesome but also weird because I don't know how to navigate becoming real friends. I feel like people in N/A* are sort of forced to associate with me, so I don't know if they like me as a person or just appreciate my contributions. I'm hesitant to be like, "do you want to actively develop a friendship?" because if they don't want to there's a social pressure to hide that to preserve equilibrium and I don't know how to undo it. I don't think that people would necessarily agree despite not wanting it, but it's complicated because they can't just avoid me. I've sort of tried with two members but didn't feel a lot of interest back and don't want to push, so I just dropped it. :-[ I do feel nourished just by the group connection and working together on projects, so I suppose it's okay if deeper friendship doesn't come out of it. But I still want that, and I really want to cuddle everyone. That's definitely the worst part! With most of the people I know I can just be like, "I would like to go sit and cuddle together, how do you feel about that?" and know I'll get an unedited unpressured answer. But if you're not used to radical consent that might be a super-pressurey question, and even if it's not I don't think I could enjoy that very much at school, and spending time with people out of school seems impossible. BLEH. I did tell people I want more hugs in general and ask how they feel about it, and so far everyone's been open to that, at least as goodbyes.

In other news Kylei and I have started doing ritual daily-ish (we aim to do it daily but don't always have the energy), drawing the people and situations we want to us. I can feel it working already, which is a relief. It's very simple -- we light a candle, hold it together while touching each other, focus on what we want to bring in, and thank the universe in advance for it. Whether we do ritual or not we cuddle every day now -- for a while after ze started working we barely saw each other, until we realized what was happening and decided to aim for at least 15 minutes of focused time every day. I feel like we're starting to develop some forward motion again, which is encouraging.

crying right now. I feel such acute loss. Aurilion cut me out again and it hurt worse this time because I really thought things were going to be different. Everyone I've ever felt a strong connection with, except for Kylei, is not bonded with me. Ava disappeared, Anika left twice for reasons I still don't really know, Viv I can't connect with over distance, Aurilion is too scared of usness to connect again possibly ever, Hannah and Adi and Abby and Arizona and Chip are all too busy with their own lives that don't include me. Kylei is still with me but ze's so low energy all the time from work that doing more than maintaining our bond feels impossible. I need more than basic maintenance, I need magic, and I need to not have to do all the work of creating the space for it and spinning the other person into it. I can give more than I get but I need to get more. Godde, this hurts!

I am so rich in people yet so poor in nourishing time with them. What good does it do to know amazing people if they brush by in the night and that's it? I'm so tired of yearning for what I can't have.

Universe, please bring into my life a local social-justice-minded person I have a strong spiritual connection with who is able and happy to invest intimate time and emotional energy into me, of their own initiative. If you want to throw some romance in there and maybe some sex that'd be a great bonus, but not necessary.

I did this two years ago and it was transformative -- I feel that it was one of the main reasons that 2008 was such an amazing year for me. 2009 certainly brought me a lot of beauty and joy (and I intend to write about that), but it also brought me pain that cut deeper than any I've felt since I was working through sexual abuse. I am going to move past this; I am going to heal; I am going to have faith and trust again. Writing this out and burning it is my statement to the universe that this pain is not going to remain with me.



( burning the pain/negativity of 2009, celebrating 2010 )

I did this two years ago and it was transformative -- I feel that it was one of the main reasons that 2008 was such an amazing year for me. 2009 certainly brought me a lot of beauty and joy (and I intend to write about that), but it also brought me pain that cut deeper than any I've felt since I was working through sexual abuse. I am going to move past this; I am going to heal; I am going to have faith and trust again. Writing this out and burning it is my statement to the universe that this pain is not going to remain with me.



( burning the pain/negativity of 2009, celebrating 2010 )

I am so deeply grateful to have found people who live nearby whom I connect with and who are honest and open and loving and complex ♥ This is something I've yearned for for so many years and I can't even express the intensity of my gratitude for each person. Ash & Viv & Ben & Shel & Saleena & Nicole and and and... I mean, most of the friendships are still in beginning stages but there's already that sense of belonging -- the only time I've ever felt anything like this before was when I was living with the Wynnes and they made me part of the family, and even that wasn't this amazing. It feels like home. It makes me feel safe without feeling bound. It makes me free to be more fully myself.

I just looked back through my LJ to see the timeline on this... ( affirmations I've used and how/when they've worked )

And you know, I first started 'affirming' a local group of friends in March of 2008, but shortly after I began using that affirmation I fell in love with Hannah and Aurilion and stopped saying the affirmation because I felt that I had all the wonder I could handle. And then it seems I forgot about it or lost faith in it and didn't start again until the beginning of 2009, when I decided what the hell, it couldn't hurt. I want to remind myself that this fucking WORKS. I don't care how -- if it's just that it helps me to focus and pay attention more and discover what would have been there anyway, that's magic enough for me. But I believe that gratitude mixed with intention and focus opens up possibility that would not have otherwise existed. Especially since Ash has been affirming unlikely things and having them happen -- it's just as amazing to see it happen in someone else's life.

Words are so powerful. What I say, I hear. What I hear over and over, I believe. What I believe, I live.

I am so deeply grateful to have found people who live nearby whom I connect with and who are honest and open and loving and complex ♥ This is something I've yearned for for so many years and I can't even express the intensity of my gratitude for each person. Ash & Viv & Ben & Shel & Saleena & Nicole and and and... I mean, most of the friendships are still in beginning stages but there's already that sense of belonging -- the only time I've ever felt anything like this before was when I was living with the Wynnes and they made me part of the family, and even that wasn't this amazing. It feels like home. It makes me feel safe without feeling bound. It makes me free to be more fully myself.

I just looked back through my LJ to see the timeline on this... ( affirmations I've used and how/when they've worked )

And you know, I first started 'affirming' a local group of friends in March of 2008, but shortly after I began using that affirmation I fell in love with Hannah and Aurilion and stopped saying the affirmation because I felt that I had all the wonder I could handle. And then it seems I forgot about it or lost faith in it and didn't start again until the beginning of 2009, when I decided what the hell, it couldn't hurt. I want to remind myself that this fucking WORKS. I don't care how -- if it's just that it helps me to focus and pay attention more and discover what would have been there anyway, that's magic enough for me. But I believe that gratitude mixed with intention and focus opens up possibility that would not have otherwise existed. Especially since Ash has been affirming unlikely things and having them happen -- it's just as amazing to see it happen in someone else's life.

Words are so powerful. What I say, I hear. What I hear over and over, I believe. What I believe, I live.

I am in awe of life right now. Total and complete fucking awe. My life is richer than cheesecake, I can hardly stomach it! I am absolutely the most blessed, loved, doted-on-by-deity person that there ever is, was, or will be! I am SOOOOO happy, SO happy, SO SO SO filled with JOY!

I feel like I suddenly got pregnant and gave birth, all in a few days, and then two days later it happened again! and now I feel pregnant again. (not literally) Now I have all these newborn fae creations, all this life, all this love, floods and floods of joy joy joy. So much! I am absolutely overwhelmed, in the best way. Oh, how can life be so beautiful? how can I be so... blessed? How can this be? How can this be?

Oh God/dess, oh Nut, oh Jesus, oh Ma'at, oh life, how can you love me so much? how can you bless me so much? How can I be so cherished?

I have cried with joy almost every day for the past week. Is it any wonder I cannot express this? I marvel at how I manage not to explode -- how can one person hold so much joy and love and faith and hope? such gratitude.

I'm not yet ready to explain, but I will tell you what I believe opened the way for this love-joy to enter my life. Here is ( my affirmation )

I am in awe of life right now. Total and complete fucking awe. My life is richer than cheesecake, I can hardly stomach it! I am absolutely the most blessed, loved, doted-on-by-deity person that there ever is, was, or will be! I am SOOOOO happy, SO happy, SO SO SO filled with JOY!

I feel like I suddenly got pregnant and gave birth, all in a few days, and then two days later it happened again! and now I feel pregnant again. (not literally) Now I have all these newborn fae creations, all this life, all this love, floods and floods of joy joy joy. So much! I am absolutely overwhelmed, in the best way. Oh, how can life be so beautiful? how can I be so... blessed? How can this be? How can this be?

Oh God/dess, oh Nut, oh Jesus, oh Ma'at, oh life, how can you love me so much? how can you bless me so much? How can I be so cherished?

I have cried with joy almost every day for the past week. Is it any wonder I cannot express this? I marvel at how I manage not to explode -- how can one person hold so much joy and love and faith and hope? such gratitude.

I'm not yet ready to explain, but I will tell you what I believe opened the way for this love-joy to enter my life. Here is ( my affirmation )

My parents taught me something about giving thanks that has stayed fresh in my mind for many years. (not fresh as in crisp spring leaves, fresh as in just-dumped manure) By their actions (which rendered their words meaningless), they taught me not to show any gratitude upon the promise of a gift, but only upon the receipt -- the proof. If they offered something and I showed any excitement or gratitude, they would turn that offer into a bribe and force me to earn the 'gift.' By the time I earned it, I had no gratitude left.

I disagree with much of their parenting, but this seemingly-small thing rankles me more than most of their teachings. I LOVE to be grateful! I love feeling an outpouring of positive energy toward the person who has been generous to me -- most of the time I love this feeling even more than the actual gift. But if someone promises me a gift, I feel an uncertainty that lasts until the promise is fulfilled, and that uncertainty drains much of the positivity from the gift.

However, that attitude has recently been changing. A few months ago, I picked up a flyer printed with an affirmation for receiving unexpected blessings. At that time my partner and I had very strained finances, so I figured it couldn't hurt to try it. Shortly after that, my partner finally received the promotion that he had been working toward for over a year (with three attempts that didn't pan out). Things had already been building in that direction, so I'm not sure how much effect the affirmations had on our finances, but the important thing was the effect they had on me as I said these words over and over again:

( the affirmation )

As I said these words aloud, I put myself into a mindset of gratitude. I changed my focus from wondering whether or not it would 'work' and just felt the gratitude as if it already happened. I've never been able to do that before! The first time I did it laughingly, as a experiment (acting melodramatic and making extravagant gestures) -- but the peace and renewed faith I felt afterwards motivated me to keep doing it. Before, I always felt like I was lying or being naive if I said 'thank you' for something that hadn't happened yet, but now I understand that gratitude is not just a reaction caused by outside events; it is an attitude I can create within myself to kick-start a flow of positivity.

and I'm really grateful for this topic because I needed to reflect on this right now. So thank you, therealljidol! and thanks to all my idol-ing friends who unintentionally urged me to do mine (since I want to read your already-posted entries, you overachievers!). ;-)

LJ idol topic 3: "The Giving of Thanks." ((please vote for me if you got something from reading this!))

My parents taught me something about giving thanks that has stayed fresh in my mind for many years. (not fresh as in crisp spring leaves, fresh as in just-dumped manure) By their actions (which rendered their words meaningless), they taught me not to show any gratitude upon the promise of a gift, but only upon the receipt -- the proof. If they offered something and I showed any excitement or gratitude, they would turn that offer into a bribe and force me to earn the 'gift.' By the time I earned it, I had no gratitude left.

I disagree with much of their parenting, but this seemingly-small thing rankles me more than most of their teachings. I LOVE to be grateful! I love feeling an outpouring of positive energy toward the person who has been generous to me -- most of the time I love this feeling even more than the actual gift. But if someone promises me a gift, I feel an uncertainty that lasts until the promise is fulfilled, and that uncertainty drains much of the positivity from the gift.

However, that attitude has recently been changing. A few months ago, I picked up a flyer printed with an affirmation for receiving unexpected blessings. At that time my partner and I had very strained finances, so I figured it couldn't hurt to try it. Shortly after that, my partner finally received the promotion that he had been working toward for over a year (with three attempts that didn't pan out). Things had already been building in that direction, so I'm not sure how much effect the affirmations had on our finances, but the important thing was the effect they had on me as I said these words over and over again:

( the affirmation )

As I said these words aloud, I put myself into a mindset of gratitude. I changed my focus from wondering whether or not it would 'work' and just felt the gratitude as if it already happened. I've never been able to do that before! The first time I did it laughingly, as a experiment (acting melodramatic and making extravagant gestures) -- but the peace and renewed faith I felt afterwards motivated me to keep doing it. Before, I always felt like I was lying or being naive if I said 'thank you' for something that hadn't happened yet, but now I understand that gratitude is not just a reaction caused by outside events; it is an attitude I can create within myself to kick-start a flow of positivity.

and I'm really grateful for this topic because I needed to reflect on this right now. So thank you, therealljidol! and thanks to all my idol-ing friends who unintentionally urged me to do mine (since I want to read your already-posted entries, you overachievers!). ;-)

LJ idol topic 3: "The Giving of Thanks." ((please vote for me if you got something from reading this!))