It's interesting how breakups motivate me. I suppose when I'm in a relationship, I put more and more energy into it without noticing it, and then when the breakup happens I suddenly realize I have all this energy with no demands on it. Last time I went through a major breakup (with a friend) it lead to a sudden drop in my fear, and this time it has had the same effect. I've been doing things that would have taken so much energy and courage before, and doing them without even thinking twice.

I mentioned how it was difficult for me to go to the pagan meeting last month -- since then I've been out with strangers and/or to new places several times, with less anxiety each time.

( druidic Beltaine ritual )

( borderPagans meetings )

( to the book sale with Ash )

( to the drum circle with Kat K and zir friend Pat, meeting Shel & Ryan )

Last Saturday I had quite possibly the most amazing night of my life -- top five for sure. I experienced my first drum circle! I've never felt anything like it -- from the very beginning I was thrilled and it just kept getting better and better the whole time! There was such a sense of unity and openness. We were creating something together without anyone leading -- that is the essence of my faith. Being there was a transformative and deeply spiritual experience for me. I've never felt so alive and in love with life! I wanted to hug everyone, and I felt like I was hugging everyone. I CANNOT wait to have my own drum -- or even to bring a pot to bang my feet on!

I brought Ialu and I'm glad I did, but next time I intend to leave zir at home -- it's too dark to get any really good photos and my worries about zir (damage from the heat or vibrations, theft) kept me from fully entering in. Even so, it was SO INCREDIBLE. I thumped my feet on the ground and my hands on my legs, danced with hands and shoulders and waist (while sitting because I didn't want to leave my camera or jounce zir around). Oh... it was so amazing!

replete with rhythm
concerns thumped into the earth
glowing; connected



( photos (mostly fuzzy and dark but there you go!) )

I had a really interesting evening! I met up with Ash* (previously referred to as Ashley -- Ash fits better now in my opinion) and Sheree (not sure how to spell it but that's how it's pronounced) at the Clay Cafe (which is a misnomer, since you PAINT the pottery, you don't work with clay -- I think it should be called "Drink 'n' Paint" :D), to join in a pagan meeting. For a couple of hours we just sat around and talked -- it wasn't very structured, just loosely about paganism, offshoots of that, and completely random stuff sprinkled in.

The group consisted of myself, Ash, zir friend Sheree (who I didn't get to talk to but who seemed open-minded and interesting), Nikki (the organizer of the group, calm and strong), Nikki's partner Wolf (nickname -- can't remember the real name) (excitable, sweet, loud), H____ who dominated the conversation (a bit of an intellectual grandstander, but interesting!), two others who didn't say much (but had gentle spirits -- their presence was soothing), and Kat whom I really clicked with despite not really getting a 'read' on zir. We ended up in two half-circles, males on one side and females on the other, and had two or more conversations going most of the time. I mostly listened, poking my nose in every now and then. It was interesting to see how things flowed -- conversation in pairs, then in two groups, then in one group, and around again. Nikki told us about bellydance classes -- for $10 a session! near to me! I've been looking for that for ages -- I may start going (or I may wait until the next cycle comes around, since this 10-week cycle is half over). Ze also talked a little about the cat rescue where ze volunteers -- I think I'm going to look into getting involved with that too, if for nothing else than to assuage my kitten fever.

I was sitting next to Kat so we talked and I got to know zir a little -- we talked about the various ways we create, and ze mentioned that creating your own items takes down this barrier between you and the item, which is an interesting way of looking at it! I had always thought that creating something was bringing a part of you into physical form, but I hadn't considered the other side of it -- that there is a very real barrier between me and most of my daily items because I did not create them. I think customizing them can have the same effect as originally creating them though; I think that has been my (subconscious) motivation for customizing everything. Kat seems really cool: into bookbinding, cosplay, hooping, and various belief systems (eclectic, like me!).

Nearing the end, Wolf came over and sat on the coffeetable in front of Nikki and joined our conversation (turning zir back on the rest of the group). I found that really endearing, as it was so impolite and free! I liked their relationship -- they've been together 11 years and they have a cozy comfort that reminds me of my partner and I. It's that ease-of-balancing, that comfort that comes with having clashed so often that you've worn into each other and just fit. And Wolf said some things that were mentos in my diet coke, but I felt this affection/goodwill from zir that made me like zir anyway. ( the mentos )

This the first time I've had long conversation with strangers in a long time! I realized that it really nourishes me to talk face-to-face with new people (as long as it occasionally delves into the personal/passionate). Even though I didn't have much in common with most of the group, just the... brushing of spirits (for lack of a better term) was so good. And I really liked Kat and Sheree; I want to know them more. Kat gave me zir facebook, so I added zir there, and we're hopefully going to meet up (other than at the next group)!

*oh yeah, I forgot that I hadn't mentioned it before -- Ash and I are rekindling our friendship now ;-)