I was in my old room -- the unfinished one in the basement -- fixing the blinds to the sliding glass door when I found a strange compartment in the ceiling which opened with two screws (into which I stuck my car keys). I very excitedly opened it and started to look through, ( ....... )

I dream so often of this old house... I really should tag it.

These are the characters in the story of my life:

most mentioned:
Ace (lil sis) aka girlslovegirls7 -- younger sister, deep friend, soul-kin.
Ben aka justben -- lover, deep friend, heart-kin, soul-kin.
Ash aka theroamer -- deep friend, flatmate.
Hannah aka shioneh -- deep friend, spirit-kin.
Nea aka acid_burns -- deep friend, soul-kin.
S -- close friend.

localtribe:
Shel aka aerialmelodies
Sara aka theindiequeen
Kristen aka gods_ornament
(under the general tag: Anna, Kat K, Chase, Anita, Saleena, Nicole, Brigit, Greta, Brandon, Sakka, Josh, Paul, Ryan, Nikki, Wolf, Tali, Scarlett)

often mentioned but not currently part of my life:
B, my ex-partner -- ex-partner, ex-lover, heart-kin.
Aurilion -- ex-lover, heart-kin.
Viv -- ex-friend/love, spirit-kin.
ex-partner's family -- my ex's family
biofamily -- my biological family

those I rarely talk/write about lately, but who had/have a big impact on my life:
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend, heart-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- friend, spirit-kin, heart-kin.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- good friend, soul-kin.
SabR aka sabr -- good friend.
Anika aka cunningbunny -- friend.
Paula & Spencer -- spiritual parents.
Gabe -- spiritual sibling.
elya -- sister-in-law, friend.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- friend, spirit-kin.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- friend.
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend.
Kaylene -- friend.
Allison -- friend.

( most mentioned: )

( localtribe: )

( people I talk/write about who are not active parts of my life )

( people I rarely talk/write about lately, but who had/have a big impact on my life )

These are the characters in the story of my life:

(NEEDS UPDATING)

my partner aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
lil sis -- younger sister, soul-kin.
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nea aka acid_burns -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- friend, spirit-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- friend, spirit-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- friend, spirit-kin.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- friend.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
my partner's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

These are the characters in the story of my life:

my partner aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
lil sis -- younger sister, soul-kin.
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nea aka acid_burns -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- friend, spirit-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- friend, spirit-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- friend, spirit-kin.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- friend.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
my partner's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

The group counseling thing I go to is held at my church, and while I was there this week I saw Gabe! My wonderful little brother. Aside from Ben, he's the only real family I've ever had. My biological family never really bonded with me, and even though I kinda adopted Paula and Spencer, they never adopted me the same way. But with Gabe, we couldn't be any more brother and sister if we were actually blood related. I drove him to and from school for months and then taught him to drive, and all those mornings and afternoons we talked about everything.

I saw Gabe and my heart LEPT! I was so excited and happy just to see him! We talked just a little bit about his college and such (he was away for school but he's back for the summer), but we couldn't talk for long because I had to go to small group. I wonder how much he has changed this year... he's always been very mature in spiritual issues but very much a kid in practical issues, because he was the only child of a single mom for a long time -- I imagine that being sorta on his own for a year has grown him up a lot.

I never realized just how important he is to me until that moment -- I was so overwhelmed with joy just to see him, my darling little brother. Wow. I don't think I'd be that happy even if Kaylene showed up at my door.

He's an amazing person. When I lived with his family, a few times he did something to hurt me (through carelessness), and when I approached him about it, he was very humble, apologized, and really worked on changing. One time he did something that made me look irresponsible in front of Spencer (can't remember what) and I was so upset I just avoided him for the day because I didn't want to yell at him. Before I even got a chance to tell him that what he had done bothered me, he taped a note to my bedroom door -- and in that note he explained how he realized he had wronged me, and he apologized -- and he was SIXTEEN at the time. I was blown away by his maturity (and of course I forgave him). But here's the impressive part -- he remembered that and was more responsible afterwards. So you understand why I adore him!

( a photo of both of us -- not a flattering angle for me, but I love it anyway )

The group counseling thing I go to is held at my church, and while I was there this week I saw Gabe! My wonderful little brother. Aside from Ben, he's the only real family I've ever had. My biological family never really bonded with me, and even though I kinda adopted Paula and Spencer, they never adopted me the same way. But with Gabe, we couldn't be any more brother and sister if we were actually blood related. I drove him to and from school for months and then taught him to drive, and all those mornings and afternoons we talked about everything.

I saw Gabe and my heart LEPT! I was so excited and happy just to see him! We talked just a little bit about his college and such (he was away for school but he's back for the summer), but we couldn't talk for long because I had to go to small group. I wonder how much he has changed this year... he's always been very mature in spiritual issues but very much a kid in practical issues, because he was the only child of a single mom for a long time -- I imagine that being sorta on his own for a year has grown him up a lot.

I never realized just how important he is to me until that moment -- I was so overwhelmed with joy just to see him, my darling little brother. Wow. I don't think I'd be that happy even if Kaylene showed up at my door.

He's an amazing person. When I lived with his family, a few times he did something to hurt me (through carelessness), and when I approached him about it, he was very humble, apologized, and really worked on changing. One time he did something that made me look irresponsible in front of Spencer (can't remember what) and I was so upset I just avoided him for the day because I didn't want to yell at him. Before I even got a chance to tell him that what he had done bothered me, he taped a note to my bedroom door -- and in that note he explained how he realized he had wronged me, and he apologized -- and he was SIXTEEN at the time. I was blown away by his maturity (and of course I forgave him). But here's the impressive part -- he remembered that and was more responsible afterwards. So you understand why I adore him!

( a photo of both of us -- not a flattering angle for me, but I love it anyway )

I wish I had the guts to give Spencer the link to my journal (Paula's not an option because she's almost completely computer illiterate, and never gets online). But his opinion is the second most important opinion in my heart... and I'm so afraid. Afraid that he won't understand or won't approve, or will be freaked out by just how much I love him and Paula and Gabe and William and my babygirl. Mostly the latter, I think, since everyone seems to think that I love them because I have the ulterior motive of being able to 'prove' that I'm not racist (which I don't believe, by the way, I know I still have subconscious prejudices that I need to get over, and there is a lot about the black american culture that I just don't know). I've never actually talked about race with Spencer, though I have with Paula and Gabe, and he has joked about it around me.

Damn, I'm crying. I didn't think I felt so strongly about this.

They don't know I do artistic nude modeling either, and even though I think Spencer might understand, he might not... and he might tell Paula, who has very VERY particular ideas about what is Proper and what is Not. And she gets to decide how involved in their family I am, so if she decides I'd be a bad influence on Risa, it's bye-bye Kristen. (now I'm just feeling sorry for myself)

But I hate this. I hate not knowing if they'd accept me for who I really am, and they're the only mentor types besides my Uncle Bob who've ever come close. Especially Spencer. I know I was a crazy thing when I first moved in with them, probably really obvious in how scared of Spencer I was (due to people telling me all my life that black men were extra-sexual and I'd better be very careful)... but I never felt anything less than approved of by Spencer (except that one time when I told him I'd take out the garbage and I forgot; oh my gosh I felt so irresponsible and lazy, and you better believe that stuck in my mind). So what if he learns who I really am, all my facets, and... thinks ill of me. Or just disapproves. And that tenuous connection I have with the family I love so desperately is shattered.

I miss them so much... so so sossosososososoooooooo much. I try not to think about them, because when I do, this is what happens. I turn into a little fountain of tears and pain, so much aching for inclusion in their lives. I miss my little brother Gabe! I miss our long talks; he's so wise for his inexperience (the momma's boy that he's always been). I miss Paula. Once we fell asleep holding hands... now we never talk, 'cause she's busy and she's not one to reach out and I know (because she told me so) that all she wants is a casual friendship, where we smile at each other if we meet, hang out once or twice a year, that sort of thing. So where do I get the motivation to reach to HER? And William, well, he intimidates me because I don't understand him. He lives in a completely different world -- he's a 15-year-old black teenage boy, I'm a 22-year-old married white woman. We don't know what to say to each other and half of the time I think he disdains me -- because his older sister and mother (not Paula) kinda do. They're rather anti-white, from what I've gathered. Maybe just separatist. Whatever. Nonetheless, I love him and am so proud of him. He's going to win a gold in the junior olympics this year, I know it (he's a very talented and dedicated runner). And even though he tries so hard to hide it, he's incredibly loving. I saw it when Paula was pregnant with Risa, and I saw it when he held babygirl. She was the completion of the Paula/Spencer family, the blending of genes that finally welded the family. imissmylittlesister.......... She's so small, so very young, and yet she has such a grip on my heart... I feel like I helped carry her. In a way, I did -- for the three months before she was born I visited Paula nearly every day, helping her because she was on bedrest. One of my favorite memories is when Paula's grandmother said to me, "That's your baby" -- about Risa. Paula was startled and maybe a little offended; she said, "What?" and then her grandmother amended her statement -- "That's your baby too." I felt so grateful to Grandma Tiny for saying that, and it resonated as truth. She's spiritkin to me -- that whole family is and always will be, regardless of how they feel about me.

I had to fight myself to keep this open... 'cause there are people I know irl (who have popped into my lj from time to time) who I don't especially want to share all this with. Openness beat fear.

I wish I had the guts to give Spencer the link to my journal (Paula's not an option because she's almost completely computer illiterate, and never gets online). But his opinion is the second most important opinion in my heart... and I'm so afraid. Afraid that he won't understand or won't approve, or will be freaked out by just how much I love him and Paula and Gabe and William and my babygirl. Mostly the latter, I think, since everyone seems to think that I love them because I have the ulterior motive of being able to 'prove' that I'm not racist (which I don't believe, by the way, I know I still have subconscious prejudices that I need to get over, and there is a lot about the black american culture that I just don't know). I've never actually talked about race with Spencer, though I have with Paula and Gabe, and he has joked about it around me.

Damn, I'm crying. I didn't think I felt so strongly about this.

They don't know I do artistic nude modeling either, and even though I think Spencer might understand, he might not... and he might tell Paula, who has very VERY particular ideas about what is Proper and what is Not. And she gets to decide how involved in their family I am, so if she decides I'd be a bad influence on Risa, it's bye-bye Kristen. (now I'm just feeling sorry for myself)

But I hate this. I hate not knowing if they'd accept me for who I really am, and they're the only mentor types besides my Uncle Bob who've ever come close. Especially Spencer. I know I was a crazy thing when I first moved in with them, probably really obvious in how scared of Spencer I was (due to people telling me all my life that black men were extra-sexual and I'd better be very careful)... but I never felt anything less than approved of by Spencer (except that one time when I told him I'd take out the garbage and I forgot; oh my gosh I felt so irresponsible and lazy, and you better believe that stuck in my mind). So what if he learns who I really am, all my facets, and... thinks ill of me. Or just disapproves. And that tenuous connection I have with the family I love so desperately is shattered.

I miss them so much... so so sossosososososoooooooo much. I try not to think about them, because when I do, this is what happens. I turn into a little fountain of tears and pain, so much aching for inclusion in their lives. I miss my little brother Gabe! I miss our long talks; he's so wise for his inexperience (the momma's boy that he's always been). I miss Paula. Once we fell asleep holding hands... now we never talk, 'cause she's busy and she's not one to reach out and I know (because she told me so) that all she wants is a casual friendship, where we smile at each other if we meet, hang out once or twice a year, that sort of thing. So where do I get the motivation to reach to HER? And William, well, he intimidates me because I don't understand him. He lives in a completely different world -- he's a 15-year-old black teenage boy, I'm a 22-year-old married white woman. We don't know what to say to each other and half of the time I think he disdains me -- because his older sister and mother (not Paula) kinda do. They're rather anti-white, from what I've gathered. Maybe just separatist. Whatever. Nonetheless, I love him and am so proud of him. He's going to win a gold in the junior olympics this year, I know it (he's a very talented and dedicated runner). And even though he tries so hard to hide it, he's incredibly loving. I saw it when Paula was pregnant with Risa, and I saw it when he held babygirl. She was the completion of the Paula/Spencer family, the blending of genes that finally welded the family. imissmylittlesister.......... She's so small, so very young, and yet she has such a grip on my heart... I feel like I helped carry her. In a way, I did -- for the three months before she was born I visited Paula nearly every day, helping her because she was on bedrest. One of my favorite memories is when Paula's grandmother said to me, "That's your baby" -- about Risa. Paula was startled and maybe a little offended; she said, "What?" and then her grandmother amended her statement -- "That's your baby too." I felt so grateful to Grandma Tiny for saying that, and it resonated as truth. She's spiritkin to me -- that whole family is and always will be, regardless of how they feel about me.

I had to fight myself to keep this open... 'cause there are people I know irl (who have popped into my lj from time to time) who I don't especially want to share all this with. Openness beat fear.

These are the characters in the story of my life:

• Ben aka Dragon aka sciethen -- the best husband anybody could ever hope for.
  
• Del aka Allison aka jedibubbles -- my spunky, sprightly, outgoing artist friend, whom I met in high school over an Anne McCaffery book.
  
• Paula & Spencer -- a wonderful couple whom I lived with for a year -- they taught me what real family was.
  
• Ashley aka alariya -- a new close friend; I was aquainted with her for years and recently we have grown close, very sweet and generous.
  
• Rebecca -- my very cherished best friend for 4.5 years, reserved but intense; also Ben's sister.
  
• elya -- my friend who is a living embodiment of a ray of sunshine, incredibly kind and gentle; also Ben's twin.
  
• Kristy -- my very outgoing, flirty friend who lives in Florida; also Ben's cousin.
  
• Kaylene -- a deep friend of mine who was part of my life for only a few months, yet she inspired me and understood me like no one else ever has.
  
• Gabe -- my spiritually adopted little brother, an amazing person whom I adore and am so proud of. You know when he's around because he sings everywhere he goes.
  
• Kristen -- my bossy, blunt, outgoing friend -- she was a friend of mine from middle school, and we've recently become friends again.

( more in-depth descriptions, with photos )

You should all do this so I can get to know the people in your life! (don't worry about the long part with the pictures, but do the short part!)

These are the characters in the story of my life:

• Ben aka Dragon aka sciethen -- the best husband anybody could ever hope for.
  
• Del aka Allison aka jedibubbles -- my spunky, sprightly, outgoing artist friend, whom I met in high school over an Anne McCaffery book.
  
• Paula & Spencer -- a wonderful couple whom I lived with for a year -- they taught me what real family was.
  
• Ashley aka alariya -- a new close friend; I was aquainted with her for years and recently we have grown close, very sweet and generous.
  
• Rebecca -- my very cherished best friend for 4.5 years, reserved but intense; also Ben's sister.
  
• elya -- my friend who is a living embodiment of a ray of sunshine, incredibly kind and gentle; also Ben's twin.
  
• Kristy -- my very outgoing, flirty friend who lives in Florida; also Ben's cousin.
  
• Kaylene -- a deep friend of mine who was part of my life for only a few months, yet she inspired me and understood me like no one else ever has.
  
• Gabe -- my spiritually adopted little brother, an amazing person whom I adore and am so proud of. You know when he's around because he sings everywhere he goes.
  
• Kristen -- my bossy, blunt, outgoing friend -- she was a friend of mine from middle school, and we've recently become friends again.

( more in-depth descriptions, with photos )

You should all do this so I can get to know the people in your life! (don't worry about the long part with the pictures, but do the short part!)

Okay, so here's how it went:

Ben and I set the alarm for 7:30am, but didn't wake up when it went off, and slept through Rebecca's graduation. I felt kinda guilty -- I hesitate to believe that she meant it when she said it didn't matter much to her.


Ben got off work early so he could take me to Gabe's graduation --yay! My husband is wonderful. We were running ahead of schedule, so he stopped at Brewsters for matching mint choc chip ice cream cones... (aww how cute!)

Anyway, we got to the school -- and everybody was happy to see me! Ben and I sat with Spencer, who was filming the ceremony. At one point the headmaster was addressing the students, and he misquoted a Bible verse twice -- he said "walk humbly before your God," which means something entirely different than what the Bible actually says, "walk humbly WITH your God." The actual verse is implying partnership and friendship rather than a stern God just waiting for a chance to moosh you with his big thumb. Rrrrrrrrrrr... I made a "what the fuck" expression and threw my hand out in disgust, which Spencer thought was hilarious, and his laughing made Ben laugh. (Spencer asked afterward what it was that the man had messed up, and Paula thought it was funny too. I just have strong opinions about misquoting God, okay???) ;-)

Afterward they were taking pictures, and Gabe called me over so we could take a picture together -- and Spencer said something like 'yeah, let's get a picture of real family' but I didn't catch it exactly because of all the noise! I know I heard 'real family' but I'm not sure about the rest. He was saying it while waving me over for the picture though.

Ben and I drove Paula to pick up a prescription, which was fun 'cause I got to talk with her uncrowdedly. She really loved the books! Which makes me very happy 'cause I wanted so much to bless her. She read the series by Robin Hardy in three days -a book a day. (unfortunately that means she has no more romantic-adventure type books to read.) She wanted us to join them for dinner, so we did.

We went to Shogun, a Japanese hibachi restaurant, and a tired but still funny chef served us. I sat next to the other two ladies who had been Gabe's second mothers at different times. The lady right next to me, Jessie, had such a prickly spirit at first that I felt really uncomfortable. She did not think I had any right to be there (I think part of her feeling was because I'm white). But then Paula was talking to Jeannine (the first au pair) about the babygirl, and I leaned up to listen more closely. Noticing this, Paula raised her voice and maintained eye contact with me -- basically stopped talking to Jeannine and started talking to me. She did this totally subconsciously. After that, Jessie's attitude flip-flopped. I am a very slow eater, and Paula and Spencer were teasing me about it, and Jessie said, 'She's making room for everything; I like that.' Jessie loves food -- she's not obese, she just really enjoys eating. Just a little while after I was full and said so, Jessie said, 'You're not the only one who's full,' and leaned back like she was finished. But then she leaned up and propped her arm on the table, blocking me out, and started eating again. This made me feel so bad, 'cause I certainly wasn't judging her, and I wanted to tell her to eat without guilt or worry, but what do you say in a situation like that?

After dinner, we went outside and said goodbyes -- I told Paula to call me and she said 'oh, no, I'm no good on the phone, ask Carla.' Carla said, 'yeah, and even if you call her she's like, 'let me call you back.'' That tiny little bit of conversation was special to me because Carla's attitude was so accepting -- she treated me like another sister. ;-)

Paula loves to talk to me! And I saw that with my own eyes! That makes me so happy. And EVERYBODY was happy to see me -- Paula's sis Carla, her husband Al, Paula's mom June and even Paula's stepdad Cal! (He's a jolly grouch, which doesn't make sense unless you know him) I hugged June when I first saw her, and she hugged me when she left -- she was just genuinely delighted to see me! And Spencer talked to me whenever he got the chance -- about the same kind of stuff we used to talk about all the time, family stuff. When I talk to Spencer I feel like everything is a private joke -- something only he and I understand. I miss my family so much. They better invite Ben and I for 4th of July this year (if they're in town) or I'm inviting us!

I'm so happyhappyhappyhappyhappy!!!! I felt so accepted and loved all day!

Okay, so here's how it went:

Ben and I set the alarm for 7:30am, but didn't wake up when it went off, and slept through Rebecca's graduation. I felt kinda guilty -- I hesitate to believe that she meant it when she said it didn't matter much to her.


Ben got off work early so he could take me to Gabe's graduation --yay! My husband is wonderful. We were running ahead of schedule, so he stopped at Brewsters for matching mint choc chip ice cream cones... (aww how cute!)

Anyway, we got to the school -- and everybody was happy to see me! Ben and I sat with Spencer, who was filming the ceremony. At one point the headmaster was addressing the students, and he misquoted a Bible verse twice -- he said "walk humbly before your God," which means something entirely different than what the Bible actually says, "walk humbly WITH your God." The actual verse is implying partnership and friendship rather than a stern God just waiting for a chance to moosh you with his big thumb. Rrrrrrrrrrr... I made a "what the fuck" expression and threw my hand out in disgust, which Spencer thought was hilarious, and his laughing made Ben laugh. (Spencer asked afterward what it was that the man had messed up, and Paula thought it was funny too. I just have strong opinions about misquoting God, okay???) ;-)

Afterward they were taking pictures, and Gabe called me over so we could take a picture together -- and Spencer said something like 'yeah, let's get a picture of real family' but I didn't catch it exactly because of all the noise! I know I heard 'real family' but I'm not sure about the rest. He was saying it while waving me over for the picture though.

Ben and I drove Paula to pick up a prescription, which was fun 'cause I got to talk with her uncrowdedly. She really loved the books! Which makes me very happy 'cause I wanted so much to bless her. She read the series by Robin Hardy in three days -a book a day. (unfortunately that means she has no more romantic-adventure type books to read.) She wanted us to join them for dinner, so we did.

We went to Shogun, a Japanese hibachi restaurant, and a tired but still funny chef served us. I sat next to the other two ladies who had been Gabe's second mothers at different times. The lady right next to me, Jessie, had such a prickly spirit at first that I felt really uncomfortable. She did not think I had any right to be there (I think part of her feeling was because I'm white). But then Paula was talking to Jeannine (the first au pair) about the babygirl, and I leaned up to listen more closely. Noticing this, Paula raised her voice and maintained eye contact with me -- basically stopped talking to Jeannine and started talking to me. She did this totally subconsciously. After that, Jessie's attitude flip-flopped. I am a very slow eater, and Paula and Spencer were teasing me about it, and Jessie said, 'She's making room for everything; I like that.' Jessie loves food -- she's not obese, she just really enjoys eating. Just a little while after I was full and said so, Jessie said, 'You're not the only one who's full,' and leaned back like she was finished. But then she leaned up and propped her arm on the table, blocking me out, and started eating again. This made me feel so bad, 'cause I certainly wasn't judging her, and I wanted to tell her to eat without guilt or worry, but what do you say in a situation like that?

After dinner, we went outside and said goodbyes -- I told Paula to call me and she said 'oh, no, I'm no good on the phone, ask Carla.' Carla said, 'yeah, and even if you call her she's like, 'let me call you back.'' That tiny little bit of converation was special to me because Carla's attitude was so accepting -- she treated me like another sister. ;-)

Paula loves to talk to me! And I saw that with my own eyes! That makes me so happy. And EVERYBODY was happy to see me -- Paula's sis Carla, her husband Al, Paula's mom June and even Paula's stepdad Cal! (He's a jolly grouch, which doesn't make sense unless you know him) I hugged June when I first saw her, and she hugged me when she left -- she was just genuinely delighted to see me! And Spencer talked to me whenever he got the chance -- about the same kind of stuff we used to talk about all the time, family stuff. When I talk to Spencer I feel like everything is a private joke -- something only he and I understand. I miss my family so much. They better invite Ben and I for 4th of July this year (if they're in town) or I'm inviting us!

I'm so happyhappyhappyhappyhappy!!!! I felt so accepted and loved all day!

I called Spencer today to find out what their plans were, and he said they were going to church tonight. So I got to see them! Spencer, Paula, and Gabe, that is. (William was with his mom) Before church, Gabe saw Ben and I and hugged us. (my adorable little brother!) After church we caught the three of them and I gave Paula my card (in which I told her just how much she meant to me, something I haven't done 'cause I was scared) and lent her my books (she's on bedrest so I collected all of my christian books to lend to her -- which was a puny pile compared to my sci-fi/fantasy collection. anyway.) and then she sat on the windowseat and we all talked. Mostly about Gabe getting a full music scholarship -- including room and board -- for a South Carolina college that I've forgotten the name of. It's historically an all-black college, so I suppose that will be a nice change from the snooty white kids that went to his "christian" high school. (the parents might be christians, but in my experience most kids who attend "christian" schools are far from Christian. There are exceptions, obviously, but private schools are generally worse about economic and racial prejudice than public schools.) When he told us, I was enthusiastic, and Gabe got all pleased -- I love how my opinion matters to him! Damn I love that kid. BAD THING -- his graduation is the same day as Rebecca's -- I hope they are not at the same time 'cause I don't want to choose!!!

I asked Paula if she remembered me telling her last year that she was going to have a baby girl before she reached menopause, and she said that she definitely remembered it. And the baby is a girl! I feel an odd connection with her -- odd because this is the first time I've even been in the presence of the baby. But I feel her spirit really strongly. I think this girl is going to be a powerful warrior. I hope I get to be a big part of her life. And haha, God told me before he told the parents, so LA! I'm awesome!

Paula has lost weight -- I was shocked when I saw how thin her face was. She had really bad 'morning sickness' for a while and couldn't keep anything down. Spencer is so adorably attentive. She mentioned being thirsty and he instantly went and got her a cup of water.



As they were leaving, Paula said, "Walk me out, baby" and Gabe said, "you mean me?" and Paula said, "No, my other baby." .....................................




.........I felt so loved by that little statement.

I called Spencer today to find out what their plans were, and he said they were going to church tonight. So I got to see them! Spencer, Paula, and Gabe, that is. (William was with his mom) Before church, Gabe saw Ben and I and hugged us. (my adorable little brother!) After church we caught the three of them and I gave Paula my card (in which I told her just how much she meant to me, something I haven't done 'cause I was scared) and lent her my books (she's on bedrest so I collected all of my christian books to lend to her -- which was a puny pile compared to my sci-fi/fantasy collection. anyway.) and then she sat on the windowseat and we all talked. Mostly about Gabe getting a full music scholarship -- including room and board -- for a South Carolina college that I've forgotten the name of. It's historically an all-black college, so I suppose that will be a nice change from the snooty white kids that went to his "christian" high school. (the parents might be christians, but in my experience most kids who attend "christian" schools are far from Christian. There are exceptions, obviously, but private schools are generally worse about economic and racial prejudice than public schools.) When he told us, I was enthusiastic, and Gabe got all pleased -- I love how my opinion matters to him! Damn I love that kid. BAD THING -- his graduation is the same day as Rebecca's -- I hope they are not at the same time 'cause I don't want to choose!!!

I asked Paula if she remembered me telling her last year that she was going to have a baby girl before she reached menopause, and she said that she definitely remembered it. And the baby is a girl! I feel an odd connection with her -- odd because this is the first time I've even been in the presence of the baby. But I feel her spirit really strongly. I think this girl is going to be a powerful warrior. I hope I get to be a big part of her life. And haha, God told me before he told the parents, so LA! I'm awesome!

Paula has lost weight -- I was shocked when I saw how thin her face was. She had really bad 'morning sickness' for a while and couldn't keep anything down. Spencer is so adorably attentive. She mentioned being thirsty and he instantly went and got her a cup of water.



As they were leaving, Paula said, "Walk me out, baby" and Gabe said, "you mean me?" and Paula said, "No, my other baby." .....................................




.........I felt so loved by that little statement.

I've been thinking about all the people I miss.... especially Adrienne and Kaylene and the Wynnes... and I decided to write these down so I can remember them always....

Some of my favorite memories of the Wynnes:
----Paula sitting down and writing me a check for $200 – for no reason except to "chase the ghosts out of my pocket"
----William and Gabe bantering with Ben and I about the best way to take over the world.
----Spencer leaving work to go buy a battery for me and install it when I was stuck on the side of the road.
----Gabe's apology letter for being irresponsible and causing me hassle.
----Spencer hugging me before he left on a trip, just like he hugged Gabe and William.
----William's unbelievable ability to avoid saying more words than absolutely necessary.
----Gabe telling me he likes my voice.
----The Fourth of July, where Paula's whole family came over and they all treated me like family.
----making a necklace for Paula's niece's doll, and delighting her (the niece).
----helping the women reconstruct Paula's niece's doll.
----staying up 'til two talking with Paula and June (Paula's mom).
----teaching Gabe to drive (not my favorite memories, but I'll never forget them, that's sure)
----sitting in the kitchen talking to Spencer about the family.
----talking to Paula about everything.
----making and bringing a taco salad to Paula at work one day, and having her tell me that it meant so much to her.
----Mentioning that we needed cheese and that I wanted white American, and having Spencer say, "You got a problem with black American?"
----At the rehearsal dinner, being asked if I wanted coffee, and Spencer chuckling, saying, "She'd never turn that down!"
----being allowed to paint my room DARK VIVID PURPLE and green.
----how Paula and Spencer never once complained when Wallace died and I had to share Paula's car and they had to shuffle their schedules and go to so much trouble.
----going to a seafood place with Paula and Spencer and Gabe, and trying calamari for the first time
----Spencer's unbelievably yummy shrimp and pasta dinners and how he made them more often when I raved over them.
----Making Paula a necklace in "fire" colors, and seeing it come alive against her skin and look gorgeous with her red dress.
----Making Paula a 'Jolie' in wild colors, and hearing her tell me about the many compliments it brought her.
----Spencer offering to let me use his digital camera to take photos of my jewelry for the web.
----how they got me a birthday present when they had known me only three weeks.

I've been thinking about all the people I miss.... especially Adrienne and Kaylene and the Wynnes... and I decided to write these down so I can remember them always....

Some of my favorite memories of the Wynnes:
----Paula sitting down and writing me a check for $200 – for no reason except to "chase the ghosts out of my pocket"
----William and Gabe bantering with Ben and I about the best way to take over the world.
----Spencer leaving work to go buy a battery for me and install it when I was stuck on the side of the road.
----Gabe's apology letter for being irresponsible and causing me hassle.
----Spencer hugging me before he left on a trip, just like he hugged Gabe and William.
----William's unbelievable ability to avoid saying more words than absolutely necessary.
----Gabe telling me he likes my voice.
----The Fourth of July, where Paula's whole family came over and they all treated me like family.
----making a necklace for Paula's neice's doll, and delighting her (the neice).
----helping the women reconstruct Paula's niece's doll.
----staying up 'til two talking with Paula and June (Paula's mom).
----teaching Gabe to drive (not my favorite memories, but I'll never forget them, that's sure)
----sitting in the kitchen talking to Spencer about the family.
----talking to Paula about everything.
----making and bringing a taco salad to Paula at work one day, and having her tell me that it meant so much to her.
----Mentioning that we needed cheese and that I wanted white American, and having Spencer say, "You got a problem with black American?"
----At the rehearsal dinner, being asked if I wanted coffee, and Spencer chuckling, saying, "She'd never turn that down!"
----being allowed to paint my room DARK VIVID PURPLE and green.
----how Paula and Spencer never once complained when Wallace died and I had to share Paula's car and they had to shuffle their schedules and go to so much trouble.
----going to a seafood place with Paula and Spencer and Gabe, and trying calamari for the first time
----Spencer's unbelievably yummy shrimp and pasta dinners and how he made them more often when I raved over them.
----Making Paula a necklace in "fire" colors, and seeing it come alive against her skin and look gorgeous with her red dress.
----Making Paula a 'Jolie' in wild colors, and hearing her tell me about the many compliments it brought her.
----Spencer offering to let me use his digital camera to take photos of my jewelry for the web.
----how they got me a birthday present when they had known me only three weeks.

( washing a car in the rain; finishing a story read to a child even though the child has long ago hopped off the lap and gone to play; raking leaves in a windstorm... )

  Got that from the Unicorn Jelly webcomic.... I'm on page http://unicornjelly.com/uni517.html.  You should read it.  Really.  It seems a tad silly, but then you realize all the layers of meaning and you're like, 'whoa.'

I'm depressed.  I can tell you guys this 'cause none of you know anyone who knows her. (wrap your brain 'round that one)  But I consider Paula my spiritual mom, and I am feeling very left out.  Let me back up.  I saw Gabe at church today, and I was so happy to see him that I could feel myself glowing (and two other people commented).  I've really been missing my 'family' lately, but I'm scared to impose on them.  Anyway, I went up and hugged Gabe, and we talked a little (he was very happy to see me too) and he told me that Paula is PREGNANT.  I was so shocked and unsurprised and happy!  I had sensed that God had another kid for them (I think a girl), so it wasn't like "whoa, what are you doing, God?"  Instead, it was like "whoa, my mom's having a baby and she didn't even tell me."  So I was a little miffed, but he said that she didn't want to tell anybody yet, so keep it quiet, and I figured, well, it's okay 'cause she isn't telling other people either.

Then tonight after I got home, Gabe called to tell me 1.) Paula doesn't want me to tell William 'cause he doesn't know; and 2.) William doesn't have school Monday, so he doesn't need a ride.  Then he asked if I wanted to talk to her and I said sure, so he gave her the phone.  She was very cold and brusque, asked me perfunctorily how my/Ben's life was, then handed the phone back to Gabe.  (I got the distinct impression she was pissed that Gabe had told me)  Apologetically, she said she was in a grouchy mood, and we said our goodbyes.  I miss my brother....

Why doesn't Paula want me?  That's my essential question.  This is why I didn't want to move out -- I didn't want to lose the tenuous hold I had on the only real family I've ever had.  And why do I have to love people so much more than they love me?  That's the rule, of which there are very few exceptions.

I consider myself truly and unselfishly loved by 5 people:
1.) Ben, my wonderful husband, humble (nearly always), beautiful, generous, and loving (always).
2.) Gabe, my brother in spirit.  He has adopted me as his sister -- he couldn't love me more or hold me more important in his heart if I had indeed been born his biological sister.
3.) Allison, my most thoughtful friend.  She would never turn her back on me, never deny me anything I would need of her.  Her love is deeper than she can show.
4.)Jedidiah, my most generous friend.  I'm so glad God used him to show me that it is possible for a man to be godly and humble.
5.) elya, the sweetest human ever.  It amazes me how one so gentle can have such an unyeilding love.

Others love me too, but they all have their own motives and limits.  Others might love who they think I am; or who I used to be; or what they want me to be; or they might love me for what I can give them; or for what I have given them.  Only these five love me just because I am who I am, and they have decided I'm worthy of their love.  Thus their love is true, and I do not have to worry about "falling from grace."

Hmm... thinking about the ones who love me has lifted some of my depression.  Thanks, five.

( washing a car in the rain; finishing a story read to a child even though the child has long ago hopped off the lap and gone to play; raking leaves in a windstorm... )

  Got that from the Unicorn Jelly webcomic.... I'm on page http://unicornjelly.com/uni517.html.  You should read it.  Really.  It seems a tad silly, but then you realize all the layers of meaning and you're like, 'whoa.'

I'm depressed.  I can tell you guys this 'cause none of you know anyone who knows her. (wrap your brain 'round that one)  But I consider Paula my spiritual mom, and I am feeling very left out.  Let me back up.  I saw Gabe at church today, and I was so happy to see him that I could feel myself glowing (and two other people commented).  I've really been missing my 'family' lately, but I'm scared to impose on them.  Anyway, I went up and hugged Gabe, and we talked a little (he was very happy to see me too) and he told me that Paula is PREGNANT.  I was so shocked and unsurprised and happy!  I had sensed that God had another kid for them (I think a girl), so it wasn't like "whoa, what are you doing, God?"  Instead, it was like "whoa, my mom's having a baby and she didn't even tell me."  So I was a little miffed, but he said that she didn't want to tell anybody yet, so keep it quiet, and I figured, well, it's okay 'cause she isn't telling other people either.

Then tonight after I got home, Gabe called to tell me 1.) Paula doesn't want me to tell William 'cause he doesn't know; and 2.) William doesn't have school Monday, so he doesn't need a ride.  Then he asked if I wanted to talk to her and I said sure, so he gave her the phone.  She was very cold and brusque, asked me perfunctorily how my/Ben's life was, then handed the phone back to Gabe.  (I got the distinct impression she was pissed that Gabe had told me)  Apologetically, she said she was in a grouchy mood, and we said our goodbyes.  I miss my brother....

Why doesn't Paula want me?  That's my essential question.  This is why I didn't want to move out -- I didn't want to lose the tenuous hold I had on the only real family I've ever had.  And why do I have to love people so much more than they love me?  That's the rule, of which there are very few exceptions.

I consider myself truly and unselfishly loved by 5 people:
1.) Ben, my wonderful husband, humble (nearly always), beautiful, generous, and loving (always).
2.) Gabe, my brother in spirit.  He has adopted me as his sister -- he couldn't love me more or hold me more important in his heart if I had indeed been born his biological sister.
3.) Allison, my most thoughtful friend.  She would never turn her back on me, never deny me anything I would need of her.  Her love is deeper than she can show.
4.)Jedidiah, my most generous friend.  I'm so glad God used him to show me that it is possible for a man to be godly and humble.
5.) elya, the sweetest human ever.  It amazes me how one so gentle can have such an unyeilding love.

Others love me too, but they all have their own motives and limits.  Others might love who they think I am; or who I used to be; or what they want me to be; or they might love me for what I can give them; or for what I have given them.  Only these five love me just because I am who I am, and they have decided I'm worthy of their love.  Thus their love is true, and I do not have to worry about "falling from grace."

Hmm... thinking about the ones who love me has lifted some of my depression.  Thanks, five.