I had a terrible crash last tuesday where I realized that I don't have any real friends at work and I have no idea how to make friends with anyone. I want to be here for a decade and this makes me feel doomed to spending most of my waking life for ten years feeling like an outsider, which sounds fucking awful. I have to figure out how to make a connection with someone who is part of the fabric of the place. I am terrified of trying and then learning for sure that no one wants to be real friends with me, but it's better to know I have no chance than to feel tortured by my own cowardice. So I have to reach out again.

The day after I wrote that paragraph I had a pleasant conversation with the person at work that I feel most comfortable with, and they sort of sideways made plans for us to eat lunch together this week, and were just kind and friendly and made me feel not so alone. So I am feeling a little more hopeful. If I can be real friends with them, that will make me feel like I belong. And I just really like them and want to be friends.



My relationship with Topaz is better than ever. The other day I saw a romantic scene in some show and suddenly remembered that I used to feel sad whenever I saw scenes like that because I always felt like I loved others with my whole being but that no one ever loved me back like that. It has now been so long since I felt unloved, unnoticed, unvalued, unappreciated, that I forgot that I used to have that feeling. Even when Topaz is caught up in their own stuff they take time to be there for me. They have developed habits that make me feel loved.

One example is that I feel really loved when someone brags about me in front of others, because it feels like the opposite of being ashamed of me (which was how I felt for most of my marriage). I told Topaz this a few years ago and they started doing it here and there and it has turned into an unprompted, natural expression. The other day I tidied their kitchen and made them dinner because they had had an awful, dreadful week, and they told their mom about it and their mom brought it up and thanked me for being supportive of them. And in that case, they hadn't even told their mom in order to make me feel loved but just because it had become normal to them, through practice I guess. I love that they have developed habits of expression out of love for me.

Also our sexual relationship has been wildly and beautifully intense lately. It feels full of fresh possibilities because there is still so much we have yet to explore, and yet the things we have done before are so fucking satisfying and nourishing that we do new things less often than we repeat. It's like a favorite restaurant where everything is good and you're excited to try something you haven't had, but also your favorite is so damn good that you have to get it at least every other time! (also new things require a lot more activation energy, so we are more able to do the repeat things) I'm really looking forward to Topaz being out of school for the summer, so more things are within our realm of possibility.



Allison and I had an intense conversation recently about some things in their life that are draining them. They apologized for discussing an emotionally heavy topic but of course I told them no need to apologize, that I feel pleased to be trusted with their difficult thoughts and feelings. We reaffirmed that we want to be in closer contact and have been trying to develop more of a habit of texting.

I asked if I could go to the a local annual art festival with Allison and their spouse and they said yeah, so I met up with them on Sunday. I had a lovely time walking around with them, but afterwards I worried that I didn't improve their time there and that maybe I was messing up their romantic time. And more so, I fret that maybe I made them uncomfortable discussing money -- I offered to pay for part of a thing (because I couldn't afford the whole thing) as a birthday present and they didn't really respond. Belatedly I realized/remembered that my attitude toward money is unusual and that people have been offended or even had hurt feelings by my attitude before, and I texted them to ask and preemptively apologize. They sent me a quick "no don't worry" but they're dealing with some other life stuff and haven't gotten to fully respond yet.

This also made me realize I don't think Allison and I have had any real argument for like a decade, and I don't know how they'd react if I hurt or offended them. I think mostly it's because we have extremely similar values and communication styles but now I worry that we won't weather a disagreement because we don't have practice. But at the same time I feel like we finally got past the "too polite" stage where I wouldn't discuss my worry that I upset them, and that makes me happy.



Quinn left snapchat which is a choice I can respect but also feel sad about, because we did connect on most days through that app and I'm not sure if there is another way to connect with them so regularly and so easily. They have been coming to our hearts n crafts gathers pretty often though, which pleases me greatly. Sande also has been coming to hearts n crafts, and though I haven't seen them otherwise, I feel like they are present in that way.

At the last hearts and crafts, one person was low on funds and gas and didn't think they could come, and another (or maybe two others) offered to send them gas money. And both expressed that they'd been dealing with shit but felt the need to have that creative, communing time. I finally felt the click I had been hoping for, where this thing has finally grown a life of its own. It's like when you can finally put a seedling in the ground outside and you don't have to worry that it's gonna die if it gets too hot or if it rains too hard. I feel like I don't have to worry so much, that others have become invested in making this happen.

It was also the first time that Topaz was able to come, which made me extra happy because I had been hoping they would join but they were worried about allergies. We rotate locations and I think probably Topaz will not always be able to come, but I plan to give my house a good allergen scrubdown soon so I hope they will be able to come for a few hours without a problem.



I haven't actually spent time with Kylei in a while, but we got a snapchat streak of almost two months before we lost it! I know that might not seem like much but for someone like me who has prosopagnosia, seeing a face in 2D every day allows me to have a better emotional grasp on the existence of a person and it automatically makes me feel closer. I cannot bring a face to mind but I can bring up an impressionistic version of photo of a face to mind (the brain stores these differently, at least for me). So to me, it means a lot. I am glad to have this way of connecting.

Anika and I have also been snapping fairly regularly and I feel more connected in that way, though we have drifted from our original writing goals. I hope we can get back on track with that, because I really enjoy it.



My relationship with Serenity has been strained for a long while now because I have been needing to live alone but they couldn't find another place for a long time. They finally found one that sounds absolutely perfect for them in every possible way, and I am so happy for them both because they deserve to have a living situation that fits them perfectly (my house is wrong for them in so many ways) and because I hope that with that strain gone we can reconnect, after the flurry of moving settles. And I just crave the rest of being truly alone.


With several friends I don't know if the people we are still lines up. I have become so much less spirituality-minded in the past year and that is a huge part of life for several people. I just... am not even sure what to do with that.

I just don't care about the idea of magic that is bigger than what I can do. I think I used to be really invested in it because I wanted a chance to not feel powerless, but really that is always an illusion. Everything a not-rich, not-famous human can do is tiny and our only hope is in getting many people to do the tiny things. And there are no spiritually rich people who somehow have more invisible power; you can't pray a lot to get more sway over the world. I invested in that idea because I wanted to be that, but it doesn't exist. It is a fundamentally fucked up and very capitalist idea.

Among other connections... Saleena, an old friend of mine died a few weeks ago, unexpectedly. I met them in 2010 and had a huge friend-crush on them for like two years but they were too busy for me and I was too full of self-doubt to be overt with my friendship overtures. Then I moved into a different social circle and rarely saw them, but still wanted to be friends. I just never really followed through on the effort and then they died. I started feeling more anxious about the people I am currently disconnected from, feeling sad at the idea that they might die before we ever really had the chance to know each other. Some I have no way of contacting. I hope that I do get that chance.


It used to be that Aurilion was one of those people that I hoped to eventually reconnect with. I last reached out to them with a text that just said "hey" about 8 months ago, but rather than them responding, their spouse called me and left a threatening voicemail telling me to leave them alone. My first reaction was to feel worried that Aurilion was being kept from connecting with their friends, because that angry voicemail creeped me the fuck out. Then as time went by I just started to get disgusted that Aurilion would allow their spouse to talk to me like that.

I can imagine what happened very clearly. I sent a text and Aurilion got it while with their spouse, who read it and got jealous because Aurilion cheated on them with me a few years ago (while telling me that they were broken up). The spouse reacted angrily and Aurilion defended themself by saying that they didn't want to talk to me but that I just wouldn't stop bothering them. The spouse demanded their phone and called me, leaving an angry voicemail. Aurilion framed this controlling behavior as love and then used me as a scapegoat so they could be the helpless maiden in need of rescue for a few weeks or months and feel loved by the "protective" behavior of their unaffectionate spouse.

Of course, I'll never know if this is true, but considering that I reached out MAYBE once a year before that, the reaction was so disproportionate that it was either that Aurilion lied to their partner or their partner is massively controlling, or both. Whatever the case, if Aurilion thinks I'm gonna try again after they pulled that shit, they can think again. They are not a child and they are responsible for not reaching out to me after that. They are a clever person good at hiding who is perfectly capable of reaching out to me privately.


I've realized that when it comes to romantic relationships, I am vulnerable to people who need to be adored. I get caught up in admiring them and enjoying their enjoyment of how much I admire them, and I feel like they are giving something to me by enjoying it, but practically speaking they aren't giving anything. It is easy for me to confuse what is essentially a solo experience for a true give and take. When I look back for actual evidence of care from these people I see none or very little on their part.

This was definitely true with Aurilion. I used to feel so baffled about why they would abandon me because I assumed it was something I did that they didn't like and I couldn't figure out what since I hadn't done anything new or unusual for me, but now I realize that it was because I stopped doing something. Whenever they were feeling low they would get back in touch for an easy ego boost, and then when they felt better or when I stopped being 100 percent adoring and started challenging them, they'd dump me again. The moment I stated a need or set a boundary for what I would give is the moment they'd vanish, because they were flat unwilling to expend effort on my behalf.

My definition of love is a variant of bell hooks' definition:
love is a willingness to spend effort -- without repayment or reward -- in order to help a living being grow, heal, and/or be nourished.

Which means, by my definition of love, that Aurilion has not been loving to me since we were first together. I am pretty sure that in the past 8 years they never even thought about my growth, healing, or nourishment, except as a means to something that directly benefited them. That was a pretty sobering realization. And I think it has been true of a number of people whom I have loved.

It explains why my relationship with Topaz is so far above and beyond what other relationships have been for me. We both seek these things for each other passionately, and want to spend all the effort we can spare on helping each other.

It's been over 6 months since I last did this... I have dealt with a lot of loss, but some healing has happened in some relationships too.


I don't think I posted about Heather and Cass. Cass did something I find profoundly unethical and harmful and then refused to take responsibility or make change, and Heather supported Cass in that choice, so I'm not friends with either of them any more. If I can't trust someone to be ethical, I'm sure as hell not going to invest in them. I consider Cass an unsafe person and I don't say that lightly. I couldn't post about it because it was still in semi-active conflict until a few months ago, and I just haven't known how much to explain. But I'm just going to leave it at that, so this can stay public. If you are connected to them and feel you need more details let me know and I will figure out if there is more I can share privately.

I find the loss of Heather so huge and intense that it makes me a little nauseated to think of it and I have mostly been avoiding thinking about it. Heather has been a major force in my life for years and I had expected that she would always be. But for me, if you value maintaining your connection with someone over holding them to a standard of bare decency, that's a fundamental difference that I can't get over. If my most cherished person did what Cass did I would have told them "act better or get out of my life." I have broken up with people for far milder breaches of my core values (usually lying). I just don't value loyalty above ethics, ever, and I can't understand or empathize with that choice.


I made two plans with Kylei in September; the first time we went to Fernbank Forest (an old-growth forest in the middle of Atlanta) and just walked around and talked. Kylei expressed that they now appreciate that I was trying to warn them that they were getting lost / burnt out, and I was glad they said that because it made me feel trusted again and like they value my input. Near the end of our walk Topaz met up with us and then the 3 of us went to my favorite organic vegetarian-friendly restaurant. We laughed a lot and it felt so nourishing and healing after the painful, wrenching fall-out due to their breakdown at the end of 2016.

Soon after we made another plan; I went to their house and we just hung out and talked a lot and ate and cuddled. (Cuddles make connecting so much easier for me. When I can't cuddle someone I feel like I have to be "proper" in a way, like there is a barrier between us. I am really frustrated that that is true but it's not getting any less true.) It is a testament to my social overwhelm that I only realized from writing this that it has been three months since then and we have yet to make another plan. We've texted a little bit since then and while we may not be super close right now, I feel we have healed the rift and I am really happy about that. Kylei is coming to Solstice and I'm so glad.


Serenity and I haven't really talked in months, mainly because I never want to talk when I am at home and both of us are rarely up for making plans to go out lately. I've also realized that I really need to live alone for at least a year, because the amount of social I have to give to work is still near my max capabilities after a year of adjustment. So I talked with them about it and they said they'd work on finding a new place for them and Lily.

I think if I am able to spend one stretch of at least 18 hours each week with no risk of human interaction, I will be much more capable of many things. I really want to have more active local connections but I always have to initiate, and I only have so much energy, so I need to increase that energy. Other than with Topaz I haven't planned one-on-one friend-time in the past 2.5 months. I was doing pretty good at twice a month until it started getting cold and dark.



At some point this summer I met with Katie, which was delightful but bittersweet because I found out they were moving, and then before I even realized it they were already gone (in October). I was disappointed with myself for not reaching out again and missing the opportunity to see them again before they left. I feel such a strong connection to them but because they are not connected to anyone else I know (which would keep them in my peripheral vision, so to speak) I keep forgetting to reach out.

In August I did get to meet a new friend for coffee (the one I thought was gonna be my writing buddy earlier this year). As usual it was great for sparking new thought pathways but we haven't really talked since then. Unfortunately when it is extra lovely to spend time with someone, I am extra disheartened when they vanish, though I know logically I shouldn't be. And it is hard for me to believe someone enjoys my company if they never request it -- and then if I don't think they want to, I'm not going to try to change their mind.



I've been having a little more regular interaction with Anika via text since we started prompting each other at the beginning of October. I appreciate the creative push and the sense of shared reflection, and I like that I feel more connected to them and to LJ. I'm glad that they texted me when I did my "I'm drunk ask me questions" thing at the beginning of September. We talked out a good bit from the last friend break-up though I'm still hazy on a good bit too; ultimately it lead to such a lovely thing (for me at least, and I hope for them), being able to write again.



Evelyn reached out recently which was surprising. I was pleased for a minute but then they didn't reply to my response so I guess they're still not up for time together or anything like that. Ah well, at least I didn't get my hopes up this time and have to deal with a crash. Doing better about managing my expectations there.


With several friends I think there is a lot of emotional support they need that I feel kinda bad that I can't provide but at the same time, I don't have the emotional stamina to do more than two social things a month right now so it's probably best. I know me, I'd shoot for the moon and land in a pile of cactus, damage myself getting out, and then be useless for months. I've become much more protective of myself than I used to be and it is becoming easier to acknowledge and center my own needs in my life. I look back on the amount of emotional labor I used to do as a matter of course and it's like that was a different person because I so can't imagine doing that. It looks like torture.


My lover's grandmother went into the hospital 2 days before thanksgiving and died the Sunday after. I feel for Topaz and their family about the timing, because they all value that holiday, but I feel glad for Memaw about how wonderful her last day was. She got to go home, see all her friends and family, have ice cream, and get fussed over. I'm sorry that I wasn't there because I would have liked to say goodbye but at least I do feel sure that she knew I loved her.



My relationship with Topaz is better than ever, same as last time I wrote about our relationship. I marvel over it often. We just passed our 5 year mark. I am so fucking lucky! I'm amazed that a single relationship can be simultaneously so comforting and so growthful. It's like getting into a ideal-temperature bath and relaxing and then getting out and realizing all of your muscles have been worked out. It's like taking a super-comfortable nap and waking up feeling like you had a 3-course meal of perfectly-prepared nutrition. The only drawback is that being with Topaz is addicting so it's easy for me to default to spending all my free time with them, which leaves no time for other friends and alone time. I have to be careful about it, but luckily they are very supportive of that. When I say I need time alone, they help me stick to my decision by actively encouraging me.



I didn't have any one-on-one friend time in November but I did make a group plan with Allison and Topaz -- we went to the Fernbank forest which was gorgeous and amazing as always. I really adore Allison and I like the feel of hanging out with them and Topaz together a lot because the conversation is very lively and I can interrupt without anyone going silent, and I can talk unedited without any fear that if I mis-speak I won't be able to fix it. And I can just listen and not be bored because the conversation stays meaningful and creative. Earlier this year the three of us watched the eclipse together which was the perfect experience for that! I loved all the joy and wonder we shared.



In September I made a plan with Sande; we went out to an Ethiopian restaurant and ate and talked and it was a nourishing communion though I felt guilty that my brain was so fried I could only hang out for a little over an hour. Sande has accomplished so many major life changes in the past year that it is amazing and definitely impressive. I'm hoping we can spend more time together in the future.



In October, SAD hit and I didn't manage anything until the very end of the month when I made a plan with Quinn; they brought a project up to my house and we crafted together. (I had invited Serenity and Sande as well but they couldn't go) I interact with Quinn probably more than anyone else except Topaz because we send our snapchats directly to each other and chat responses (mostly about cats). They've become a real bright spot in my life and I'm glad to be building a friendship with them.


I talked with Allison, Sande, and Quinn about doing a twice-monthly creative gather and we planned the first one already! I reached out to them because they are the locals that I feel like are most likely to really show up -- but even if it's just me and one other person some weeks, that will keep me motivated. I really hope this will help me to work on my long-term creative projects which always feel too big and I hope I can develop closer connections with them through this also. I'm going to start creating a book from my LJ. Every time I think about this I get a nervous-happy flutter in my chest, which I have never gotten for a creative project before. I've been super happy before, but never this fear-spark anticipatory.

My relationship with my body is decidedly better. I have been eating more often instead of fasting all day and having one uncomfortably large meal; I have been getting about 6 hours of sleep on work nights which is not ideal but is worlds better than the 4-5 hours I was getting; and I have been power-walking while wearing a heavy backpack 2 to 3 hours / 4 to 6 miles per week. I already feel much stronger and more myself, after just 2 weeks (I started 3 weeks ago but skipped a week during vacation). This weekend I got myself a mi band (a $30 version of the fitbit) and I'm excited about being able to track my activity and heart rate. I am so motivated by creating charts and graphs that it's ridic.

My relationship with my inner self is also much improved by the amount of writing I have been doing lately. I love riding the bus because it is far easier for me to concentrate on writing or reading LJ there than it is at home!

I started 2016 with a lot of hope. In January I connected a lot with Kylei, Sande, and Hannah; I had two graduation parties and started making more plans to spend time with people, and I started meditating weekly-ish with Elizabeth. But by the end of January I ended up in a dark crash over how little I felt connected to people. The beginning of February was a little better -- I got to go to Big Trees with some of my favorite people, and Topaz hosted Heather's birthday which was also nourishing and fun. But then I went to a party at Kylei's and had a terrible anxiety crash which ended up leaking into the next day and causing a horrifically painful miscommunication with Topaz. Later that month I went to the activist meet-and-greet for the first time after meaning to go for ages, and met three awesome new people. But just introducing myself made my heart beat painfully hard. At the end of February I asked my psychiatrist to prescribe me anxiety meds and start being medicated for that for the first time.

In March I did a lot of social -- met with four friends as well as with my ex-mother-in-law. I also began a four-week break with Topaz, in an effort to re-set our relationship which had become too central for both of us. In April I had two tinder fails (one flaked and the other I could hardly talk with), made a new friend, hosted a crafty party and a cuddly communion, spent time with Roger and Serenity, and went to Euphoria where I gave a talk on intimacy and made a game with it. (yeah I'd say that the anxiety meds were helping!) In May I spent a lot of time with Serenity and Evelyn, hosted a cuddly communion, spent time with Katie, Allison, Serra, and Indie, and wrote a lot of important posts. In June I spent lots of time with Serenity, presented at APW and SFQP, hung out with Arizona, Sande, Allison, Kylei, Evelyn, and Cass, and had a truth-or-truth videochat with LJ friends, as well as writing a lot of important posts.

In July stuff started getting very stressful -- Topaz went through something really traumatic, Kanika had a medical emergency and I had to take her to the vet, my little sister came in town unexpectedly, and I ran out of money and had to start begging from my bioparents. But also I spent lots of good time with Serenity and had several gathers -- two with my lil sis, also Katie, Allison, Hannah, Kylei, Elliott, Evelyn, Sande, Cass, and even Adi, so that part was positive. But August brought a lot of painful stuff for Topaz, was when I ran out of ADD meds with no access to a doctor, and was the last time I saw Evelyn for months. Roger and Allison were supportive and helpful, and I went to a SONG membership meeting which gave me hope like nothing else except for TBC ever has.

September I got a job at Starbux and finally started getting call backs and interviews for a few of the hundreds of applications I had sent. My awful bioparents also invaded my house and stayed for a month, harassing me about money, rearranging my stuff and throwing some of it away without my permission, invading my bedroom, and being transphobic. October was mostly filled up with my awful bioparents and working at Starbux but at the very end I began doing LJ Idol again. In November things got still worse -- Evelyn officially broke things off with me and Kylei blew up at me and told me we can't be friends. Then later that month Evelyn invited me to a party at their house which ended up being an emotional disaster. I quit Starbux for my new job.

December was a very mixed bag. I started my new job, which was amazing; I got a new psychiatrist and finally got medicated for ADD again; I got to spend time with Arizona, Felix, Felix's people Blaire and Shay, Allison, Jonathan, Heather, Brian, Jessica, and my little sister. But also, my grandmother died and I had to spend time with my awful biofamily, and I was so emotionally drained that I couldn't really enjoy Solstice. It was also a sad reminder of my estrangement from Kylei and Evelyn, because I wanted them at Solstice so much.

( detailed events )

I started 2016 with a lot of hope. In January I connected a lot with Kylei, Sande, and Hannah; I had two graduation parties and started making more plans to spend time with people, and I started meditating weekly-ish with Elizabeth. But by the end of January I ended up in a dark crash over how little I felt connected to people. The beginning of February was a little better -- I got to go to Big Trees with some of my favorite people, and Topaz hosted Heather's birthday which was also nourishing and fun. But then I went to a party at Kylei's and had a terrible anxiety crash which ended up leaking into the next day and causing a horrifically painful miscommunication with Topaz. Later that month I went to the activist meet-and-greet for the first time after meaning to go for ages, and met three awesome new people. But just introducing myself made my heart beat painfully hard. At the end of February I asked my psychiatrist to prescribe me anxiety meds and start being medicated for that for the first time.

In March I did a lot of social -- met with four friends as well as with my ex-mother-in-law. I also began a four-week break with Topaz, in an effort to re-set our relationship which had become too central for both of us. In April I had two tinder fails (one flaked and the other I could hardly talk with), made a new friend, hosted a crafty party and a cuddly communion, spent time with Roger and Serenity, and went to Euphoria where I gave a talk on intimacy and made a game with it. (yeah I'd say that the anxiety meds were helping!) In May I spent a lot of time with Serenity and Evelyn, hosted a cuddly communion, spent time with Katie, Allison, Serra, and Indie, and wrote a lot of important posts. In June I spent lots of time with Serenity, presented at APW and SFQP, hung out with Arizona, Sande, Allison, Kylei, Evelyn, and Cass, and had a truth-or-truth videochat with LJ friends, as well as writing a lot of important posts.

In July stuff started getting very stressful -- Topaz went through something really traumatic, Kanika had a medical emergency and I had to take her to the vet, my little sister came in town unexpectedly, and I ran out of money and had to start begging from my bioparents. But also I spent lots of good time with Serenity and had several gathers -- two with my lil sis, also Katie, Allison, Hannah, Kylei, Elliott, Evelyn, Sande, Cass, and even Adi, so that part was positive. But August brought a lot of painful stuff for Topaz, was when I ran out of ADD meds with no access to a doctor, and was the last time I saw Evelyn for months. Roger and Allison were supportive and helpful, and I went to a SONG membership meeting which gave me hope like nothing else except for TBC ever has.

September I got a job at Starbux and finally started getting call backs and interviews for a few of the hundreds of applications I had sent. My awful bioparents also invaded my house and stayed for a month, harassing me about money, rearranging my stuff and throwing some of it away without my permission, invading my bedroom, and being transphobic. October was mostly filled up with my awful bioparents and working at Starbux but at the very end I began doing LJ Idol again. In November things got still worse -- Evelyn officially broke things off with me and Kylei blew up at me and told me we can't be friends. Then later that month Evelyn invited me to a party at their house which ended up being an emotional disaster. I quit Starbux for my new job.

December was a very mixed bag. I started my new job, which was amazing; I got a new psychiatrist and finally got medicated for ADD again; I got to spend time with Arizona, Felix, Felix's people Blaire and Shay, Allison, Jonathan, Heather, Brian, Jessica, and my little sister. But also, my grandmother died and I had to spend time with my awful biofamily, and I was so emotionally drained that I couldn't really enjoy Solstice. It was also a sad reminder of my estrangement from Kylei and Evelyn, because I wanted them at Solstice so much.

( detailed events )

Haven't done this since July, which is pretty much the last time I felt mentally okay. Everything has been on hold for at least two months. I'm barely managing my current levels of anxiety. It was already at unprecedented levels due to not having a job yet and then my awful parents invaded my house. Them being in town and constantly in my fucking house makes me want to rip my own brain out. They've done more stressful shit since I last wrote but I just am so sick of talking about them. I want them gone, desperately want them GONE.

I haven't done anything social at all in September, and even my texting has dropped to near-nothing, and I still feel constantly overstimulated in the worst way. I'm going through all these fucking interviews AND working in a customer service job. TOO MUCH.

I'm sorry I haven't replied to comments for a while. I keep meaning to do it but for whatever reason that is the hardest part of LJ for me (I think due to fear of making someone feel slighted by missing their comment and responding to everyone but them) and I can't manage it at the moment. It is not a lack of care though -- I do very much appreciate the care and thoughtfulness you've all shown. It means a lot.

( maintaining at good w Topaz )

( slowly building w Serenity and Allison )

( on hold w Evelyn, Sande, Heather, Kylei, Cass )

( new buds w Jackie and Roger )

( reflecting on LJ patterns )

( job hunt stress ) Also I was super social for like a solid week and am just now feeling like I can handle voluntary interaction with human beings. My youngest sibling, Ace, came in town with almost no warning and hasn't visited in at least four years, so I hastily threw together some plans so that Ace could meet my people and vice versa.

( discomfort with biofam due to them not putting in any effort to connect with me )

Anyway, other than that discomfort, it was an okay visit. Ace wanted to go to a lesbian bar, so we did, but it was Monday night so not much was happening. Cass, Katie, Katie's person Molly, and Topaz hung out with me and Ace and just talked, and afterward Topaz and Ace and I went to dinner and Ace laid out some heavy questions. First Ace tested Topaz with a point-blank "so what do you feel about belenen?" (or something very close to that) and Topaz reeled briefly and then answered honestly and openly while looking me in the eyes, and Ace judged them as truthful. Ace is extraordinarily observant and blunt and doesn't fuck around when they want to know something.

Then Ace asked me "why do you hate our parents?" and I replied calmly that I don't hate them, I'm just not that attached. Topaz later told me that they were amazed at the full blast of the questions (because they got more pointed from there) and at how I handled them, and then I realized that they were some hard questions, but I appreciate bluntness and while Ace did ask very leading questions, I'm pretty good at not being lead. However, I was also way too literal in answering them, because I think what Ace was looking for was some empathy for their suffering, but what they were asking about was my suffering, which they were then comparing to theirs. I didn't realize this until later, talking about it with Topaz, who realized it during the conversation. I felt shitty that I didn't realize and thus missed the opportunity to connect there.

The next day I had planned a small gather which Topaz hosted, with Topaz, me, Ace, Allison, Elliot, Serenity, Kylei, Jaime, and my cousin. It was a wonderful group of people and I really enjoyed everyone's company, though my ADD got way out of hand when we all played Dixit together. I'm gonna trust the box next time and agree that more than 7 people is too many, unless everyone is a fairly quiet person. We had four or five boisterous people and I just couldn't manage it after a while. Nobody got mad when I said I needed a break or when we didn't end up returning to the game, though, so it was okay.

I was hoping to have more time with Ace but since they were smoking a lot of the time and thus were outside while I was inside we didn't really interact directly very much. They said they liked all my friends (said this to me multiple times) and said to Topaz "I love you for my [sibling]," which I was very pleased by because they're usually very suspicious of anyone I am close to. This was also the first time I got to introduce several people to each other (which I love doing) and people volunteered their positive impressions of each other to me which made me VERY happy.

Then Wednesday I spent time with Ace, my cousin, and my grandparent, very casual, working on a long-term art project of Ace's. I was so so so wiped out after that though -- family Sunday, family AND new scary place (I'd never been to a lesbian bar and I get very anxious about not looking queer enough) Monday, big social thing including family Tuesday, more family Wednesday. I took Thursday to recover and then spent Friday vacuuming the dust/dander/fur out of the rugs and then spending time with Topaz.

Saturday was a day I had been planning for two months: a Sense8 marathon. Topaz, Sande, Evelyn, Serenity, and I watched it on the projector that I borrowed from Kylei. I don't remember how many episodes various people watched but it felt really wonderful to be with people that I feel such strong connections with, watching a show that feels like a part of me. And it was good that it was low-interaction because I certainly couldn't have handled more active social at the end of such a week!

It was really really wonderful to have Topaz in my house, after so long of them not being there due to allergies. I replaced the air filter very recently, dusted the week before, vacuumed the day before, and Serenity mopped the floors the day before too, and I turned the air conditioning high while Topaz was here (because cold helps). It all paid off -- Topaz didn't seem to have much of a reaction at all, and was able to stay for like five hours.

( topaz )

( kylei )

( heather )

( allison )

( cass )

( serenity )

( arizona and evelyn and etc )

Last night was really wonderful. Topaz hosted a gather and Sande, Allison, Heather, Brian, Cass, and Jess came, and the 8 of us had alcohol and snacks and just hung out and talked. It was very relaxed. I got very drunk (first time in a long while, and more drunk than usual). I got sad at one point, thinking about Kylei and feeling abandoned, but people were kind to me and helped me feel better.

I loved watching everyone interact. I think this is the first time I felt like Allison was there for more than just me -- it's quite possible that happened before but this time I felt like Allison would still have attended if I didn't, and that made me happy. And I didn't catch much of what was being said, but Sande and Topaz seemed to have conversations with lots of resonance which pleased me lots. And I cuddled with Topaz and Sande and Cass and a little with Allison, all of which were sweet nourishing cuddles.

I'm realizing the more I think on it that I am really deeply sad about Kylei. I feel really lost and adrift. I feel a deep sadness in the loss of hope for being close with them anytime soon. I think it could still happen eventually but I no longer can trick myself into thinking it's just around the corner, next week maybe. It's not going to be soon. And I miss Kylei in particular, or rather, I miss the way we used to connect. I miss their magic. I miss doing magic together.

prompt from webgirluk: Imagine a new friend who was to become in your life and the person had one quality from each person in your core circle of friendships all rolled into one new person? What one quality would you choose from each person?

Topaz' self-awareness & cuddle skills/style
shioneh's skills at asking meaningful questions
hardigrin's ability to give me new perspectives
secret_keep's unedited openness
Allison's passionate, analytical love of art
Sydney's sincere connection with nature
kmiotutsie's outgoing yet take-no-shit attitude
sandracaprice's determined thoroughness
morwen_uial's perception of magic in everything
call_me_katya's critical, deliberate thinking
Cass' thoughtful generosity
volamonster's method of valuing people
chillychilly22's matter-of-fact assertiveness
tikva's habit of humorous phrasing

Prompt from webgirluk: Even though you seem to have a lot of rich friendships, is there one quality none can really bring you that makes you feel at times sad or something missing in connection needs, or can this be explained in a different way?

Not really any quality missing, but I am missing something in the sense that most of my friends have one situation or another that makes them mostly unavailable. Most of my friends have depression and/or anxiety and/or chronic pain and/or ADD, and/or they live far away, and/or they're busy with work and big life events like moving (4 people) or getting married (2 people, not to each other). I miiiight have one local friend whose life is not in a giant upheaval, but until a month ago it was, and it may be still. I don't lack in wonderful people in my life but I do lack the ability to actually have the company of wonderful people (with two exceptions, thankfully). I'd really love to be able to just make plans with friends and have them happen, but that hasn't been true in my life for years.

So I have a goal of examining all of my connections every 2-3 months, to help me stay aware and keep from getting into any ruts. I'm a bit late but I think that's because March was muddy for me with literally everyone, and I couldn't have explained much of anything.

My relationship with Topaz is still quite muddy. Today our break ends and we're going to see each other for the first time in three weeks. I'm quite nervous actually. I feel like I've realized ways I can change to make our connection more healthy for both of us. One of the main things is that I go a bit too far in trying not to pressure them; if I think they may want something and be afraid to ask for it, I offer it as if I have no preference one way or the other. Often this is upsetting for them because it makes them feel like I don't care about something that I do care about, which is confusing and sometimes hurtful. I talked about it vaguely with Heather last week, and then today I did it out of habit and it hurt Topaz' feelings, and we talked about this habit and I told Topaz I would work on being more frank with them and practice trusting them to assert their needs and desires. Last week I also told Topaz, "I want to be able to trust that if I say 'I have a need' you will react by reflecting on what you can possibly do to meet that need, and then telling me what steps you will try and what you think the likely outcome will be." They said they can do that. I think these two things will help me to not get stuck in a pattern of subverting my needs.

I had a clash with Kylei that lasted way longer than usual (more than 2 weeks), because I kept trying to arrange time to talk about it and it kept not happening, which was the very thing I was upset about. We finally did talk about it -- I told them that usually when plans don't work out it is disappointing but not hurtful because it's true for everyone, but lately I have seen them prioritize other things but not me. And that it feels impossible to believe that I am important to them when with other things that are important to them, they find a way and make it happen but with me they don't. They agreed that they hadn't been prioritizing time with me and that they were sorry about it but didn't know why it was happening. We talked about making plans but this month is too full, so we have a maybe plan for the first week of May. I feel better, not angry or frustrated any more, but I still feel in limbo and I feel sad and a bit hopeless about the idea of ever being reliably close again. If there isn't a cause that can be found, there isn't a cure that can be found.

Heather and I have spent time together recently that was very nourishing for me (and hopefully for them). A few months ago at their birthday party I had the urge to kiss them, and asked -- they said yes and we kissed very briefly. Then about a week after that I asked to kiss them again and it was brief again and I felt some hesitation (at least this is how I remember it but my memory is not great) so I asked them if there was hesitation and why, and they said it was emotionally complicated and we should talk about it later. When we did get time to talk about it, they explained that they feel we are not compatible for a romantic relationship, because of what they see me wanting from a romantic connection. I talked with them a bit about it because I felt like they were going on outdated information, but the sum of it was that anything romantic is not desired for now, at least. I feel a little weird that there is this "off limits" bit just because I'm not used to it existing, but it doesn't reduce anything.

The next time we hung out we talked about how we process things, and Heather mentioned that the main thing they give is not a thing I value (validating people's feelings), but I don't consider that the main thing they offer me at all! I think the thing they give to me the most, which I value so intensely, is a new perspective on things. Almost every time (I don't have the memory to be able to say for sure every time) we have a significant conversation they tell me something that makes me go "oh wow I hadn't realized / didn't know that" and that is literally my favorite thing a person can do. Realizing or learning something new, especially about the way people work or the way I work, is the most nourishing thing for me. More than eye contact, more than cuddles, more than people showing curiosity about me. And this in itself is a new realization which I had because of this conversation with Heather. I feel very nourished by our friendship.

( more - this is a long one )

I had maybe the best birthday of my life! Kylei came over to Topaz' the night before (great because I didn't have to worry about them being late) and on the morning of my birthday Sydney and Heather came over and the five of us went to Big Trees together. The energy in the car was almost too much! Odd Squad is me, Topaz, Heather, and Kylei, while me, Topaz, Kylei, and Sydney are all violet spirits, so it was this complex pattern of two overlapping quads that almost makes a pentagram, and every single one of us is a silly, playful person. Loud! bouncy! I haven't felt that much playful energy probably since I was in high school, maybe ever.

Allison met us there, with a present of dragonfly-shaped mirrors (dragonflies and mirrors are both sacred to me), but couldn't stay long because they had to go to work. We walked in a little ways, enough that Allison got an introduction, and they said they want to do plein air painting there (which would be very fun for me if I could come along with a book or something). Then they left and the rest of us wandered through the forest, taking photos and playing. Sydney and Kylei had stick swordfights, and Topaz got Kylei to hold sticks for them so they could kick them in two. It was not at all my usual kind of forest visit, but it was cute and fun and I enjoyed all the glowy energy.

Then we stopped at Trader Joe's because Topaz begged (and while there Topaz got me blueberries and dark chocolate peanut butter cups, and Heather got me ginger chews). We made it through and out in less than 20 minutes! Then went to Sweet Tomatoes (probly my favorite restaurant: I make a mountainous salad) and back to Topaz' where everyone sort of lay around with full bellies and snoozy brains. Sande and Jacqueline arrived and Sydney left (they had homework & other obligations). Kylei left not long after Jacqueline arrived because they wanted to go to another party (which I would have been annoyed by if they hadn't already spent like 7 hours with me). Sande brought blood orange & mango & kiwi & other fruit, and sliced it up for us when they arrived. It was my first taste of blood orange and WOW is it unique! I love it.

We started playing truth-or-truth jenga* with the intention to do crafts after, but it took way longer for the stack to fall than we expected! I belatedly remembered that Abby and Hannah were supposed to vidchat in, so I set up the hangout, but Abby didn't show (I figured they had assumed it wasn't happening when more than half an hour passed w no invite). Hannah did, and played with us (I pulled the blocks for them). It was really fantastic! Sande and Jacqueline hadn't ever played before, but they answered thoughtfully and openly (at least that was my impression). And it was so, so, so great to have Hannah there! It was Heather's first time meeting Hannah and they had a strong positive reaction, which made me happy. Sande and I had a 'sloof' (saying the same thing at the same time) which also made me happy because I'm rarely that in-sync mentally with someone. And Hannah explained that the word (which came from Hannah and Nick) is 'fools' backwards.

Overall it was very sweet and included nearly all of my favorite people and two of my favorite activities (being in nature and deep personal sharing) so I think it was my favorite birthday so far (it is hard to tell because my memory is so bad I only have vague ideas to compare it to.

*this is jenga with 2 questions on each block. You pull a block, read the two questions, and pick one to answer yourself or ask of someone else.

15-07-21
Last night i dreamed that i was working at a shop like wal-mart only i was moving slower than ever. At first it was partly in defiance but then i got frustrated and tried to go faster but couldn't. Then the boss called me outside to the middle of a huge group of dining tables where people were sitting and eating, to critique my performance. It was a deliberate attempt at humiliation and i wept in rage and embarrassment. Kanika came running out to comfort me and the audience was moved and was on my side. Later i was at a coffee shop and Kanika came in and sat on my hip/back (somehow this wasn't uncomfortable in the dream). Later I was in a tiny house or fresh-built cabin w my biofamily and some people came over, including someone i just met who i have a crush on. I talked with them and flirted in my awkward non-flirty way. Later we all played truth-or-truth and i got them to be involved by doing a round of political questions (which in waking life sounds terrible).

Then there was this weird bit where i was a nun in a weird cult and was taken to a house where i would live with other nuns, and as i went up the stairs i felt a strange pulling in my crotch, which turned out to be a network of red strings that had been attached to it coming loose. There was a woman lying on a bed covered in blood, with an open wound going up her abdomen. The people bringing me in said that she should have been moved already, this wasn't meant for me to see. Apparently she had given birth and the baby died, and she stopped her bleeding with an herbal remedy, and that was sacrilege as she was supposed to yield to chance (god). When i realized, i went up and asked why she did it, because now they were going to kill her and she traded .00001 chance for none at all. She said she had to do what she could, and handed me the vial she used. I started to take more out to apply to the wound but she said that if i didn't have the capacity to help her escape it would be wasted, to keep it and use it sneakily with feigned prayer instead. She gave me her other powders and i was frantic figuring out what to do with them. Then i was told to pack up her things, including the dress i was wearing (??) so i switched to another dress (from a short black and white one to an ankle-length dark brown one, very baggy, with pockets) and packed up her things as they took her from the room. The other nuns helped me, one in particular who poured their starbucks coffee into the bag so that i could put the herbs into the cup and hide them with the lid. I added absorbent things including rolls of toilet paper and hoped it wouldn't leak out. The soon-to-be-dead nun's bed was going to be mine. Later one of the people came back and put new strings on my crotch. I was worried that they'd go into my flesh but instead they wove around my legs and hips like a harness.
_____

15-07-23
Dream: more real than waking. I hugged someone at a pagan discussion group and the hug felt so perfect we didn't want to let go. We felt very well matched and they told me they wanted to have deep and penetrating... didn't finish the sentence but in the dream it was clear that it wasn't sex they meant but that sex might be included (it sounds way more overt in waking life: in the dream sex was a hint, not the point). I felt perfect resonance w them. They were my height or maybe an inch taller and my size, maybe a little smaller. I think they had 3 young kids and were a single parent? or they were watching someone's kids? Our connection felt like apples which in later dream was explained as artichokes (???) I think their name was Kristy or something similar?

Also there was a part w traveling underground to a stone chamber w a square open to the sky. Felt elated at rain and thunder, danced, and sensed when we needed to move because of potential lightning strike and warned people successfully. Older male people were like, "Give way to us," and I laughed and ignored them, but shared the space rather than punishing them.