a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )

So much has happened recently, agh, I keep wanting to write and being either blocked or too busy. I'm blocked right now, thus this is rambling.

( friendly terms with ex-partner and ex-partner's ex )

School is going decently and I'm not too freaked out about it anymore. My car desperately needs to get in the shop (ze's guzzling a quart of oil for every two gallons of gas :-<). Home is lovely... I haven't been spending as much time there but when I get to spend time with my people it makes me very happy. Last weekend Arizona and I took R (the oldest kid) to Pagan Pride festival and it reminded me so much of spending time with my lil sis when ze was younger <3 I love this family so much. G (the five year old) talks to me now of zir own volition (which means I'm officially Cool). And P is so full of questions about everything! Ze knows that being queer is pretty important to me and so ze brings it up with questions whenever ze can think of them ;-)

Speaking of which, I went to my first Pride the other day and was very disappointed. I think I might have felt differently if I'd gone on Saturday to the Trans March and the Dyke March, but I just went to the festival and saw only one booth that seemed even genderqueer-friendly. Arizona (the same person I started dating in May, going by a different name online) and I agreed that probably it's much more fun if you go with a bunch of queer friends, but it's not a place to discover community (which I was subconsciously hoping for). BUT. Two weeks ago Arizona and I went to a Feminist Outlawz Queer Pride dance party which was OMFGGGG amazing, art and feminism and queerness and genderfucking <3 And it reminded me that I need to make more of an effort to get down to Atlanta because the community I'm looking for does exist! That was a big deal for me because I went without having someone as my tie-in, you know, the person who is already connected to the community and acts as a bridge? and yet no one kicked me out, heh, and now I feel much more confident about joining in on things that before I felt I needed someone to bridge me in on.

My romantic relationships are all in pretty major flux at the moment... I don't have the time to write about them right now but I think that I'm weaving threads that are going to last a very, very long time in my life pattern.

So much has happened recently, agh, I keep wanting to write and being either blocked or too busy. I'm blocked right now, thus this is rambling.

( friendly terms with ex-partner and ex-partner's ex )

School is going decently and I'm not too freaked out about it anymore. My car desperately needs to get in the shop (ze's guzzling a quart of oil for every two gallons of gas :-<). Home is lovely... I haven't been spending as much time there but when I get to spend time with my people it makes me very happy. Last weekend Arizona and I took R (the oldest kid) to Pagan Pride festival and it reminded me so much of spending time with my lil sis when ze was younger <3 I love this family so much. G (the five year old) talks to me now of zir own volition (which means I'm officially Cool). And P is so full of questions about everything! Ze knows that being queer is pretty important to me and so ze brings it up with questions whenever ze can think of them ;-)

Speaking of which, I went to my first Pride the other day and was very disappointed. I think I might have felt differently if I'd gone on Saturday to the Trans March and the Dyke March, but I just went to the festival and saw only one booth that seemed even genderqueer-friendly. Arizona (the same person I started dating in May, going by a different name online) and I agreed that probably it's much more fun if you go with a bunch of queer friends, but it's not a place to discover community (which I was subconsciously hoping for). BUT. Two weeks ago Arizona and I went to a Feminist Outlawz Queer Pride dance party which was OMFGGGG amazing, art and feminism and queerness and genderfucking <3 And it reminded me that I need to make more of an effort to get down to Atlanta because the community I'm looking for does exist! That was a big deal for me because I went without having someone as my tie-in, you know, the person who is already connected to the community and acts as a bridge? and yet no one kicked me out, heh, and now I feel much more confident about joining in on things that before I felt I needed someone to bridge me in on.

My romantic relationships are all in pretty major flux at the moment... I don't have the time to write about them right now but I think that I'm weaving threads that are going to last a very, very long time in my life pattern.

O dear. I like Maggie -- a lot :-? Ze took me to pick up my car at the last minute today, and ze GAVE ME A BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Not just anything either, a so-thoughtful present -- after ONE CONVERSATION. (the one I mentioned here) We'd talked briefly about makeup and I explained that my love for makeup came from my love for color and I liked BRIGHT vivid colors. So ze got me this eye stuff that you put on under shadow to make it brighter and more intense! And a deep shimmery purple shadow also. Presents that say "I listened and paid attention to even your casual mentions" are just... wow. Which reminds me, justben brought me pushpins the other day after I mentioned (in a long blathery post) that I had run out! I was just flabbergasted by how thoughtful that was! ♥ and oh-so-charmed :D

( complicatedness, loneliness )

And you know what? If I had been honest with myself and all of you about the utter lack of emotional nourishment in my relationship with [ex], I know some of you would have kicked my ass into a breakup sooner :-p I think this ended at the right time this time, but I still want to learn from this and remember not self-censor like that again. It took me reaching the very end to confess to myself that utter neglect IS a good reason to end things.

O dear. I like Maggie -- a lot :-? Ze took me to pick up my car at the last minute today, and ze GAVE ME A BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Not just anything either, a so-thoughtful present -- after ONE CONVERSATION. (the one I mentioned here) We'd talked briefly about makeup and I explained that my love for makeup came from my love for color and I liked BRIGHT vivid colors. So ze got me this eye stuff that you put on under shadow to make it brighter and more intense! And a deep shimmery purple shadow also. Presents that say "I listened and paid attention to even your casual mentions" are just... wow. Which reminds me, justben brought me pushpins the other day after I mentioned (in a long blathery post) that I had run out! I was just flabbergasted by how thoughtful that was! ♥ and oh-so-charmed :D

( complicatedness, loneliness )

And you know what? If I had been honest with myself and all of you about the utter lack of emotional nourishment in my relationship with [ex], I know some of you would have kicked my ass into a breakup sooner :-p I think this ended at the right time this time, but I still want to learn from this and remember not self-censor like that again. It took me reaching the very end to confess to myself that utter neglect IS a good reason to end things.

( variations on a theme )

I'm not sure consciously what my psyche was figuring out, but I feel more whole after those dreams. The first two are extremely obvious but if you have an interpretation for the third I'd love to hear it.

( variations on a theme )

I'm not sure consciously what my psyche was figuring out, but I feel more whole after those dreams. The first two are extremely obvious but if you have an interpretation for the third I'd love to hear it.

Why do I keep doing this to myself? AGH. [Ex] lets Maggie take photos of zir. happily. and post them publicly. (not ashamed to be associated with Maggie I suppose) I want to claw [ex]'s fucking eyes out. "I'm just not comfortable having photos taken of me" Lies lies lies lies lies lies lies. Which I believed and respected, ARGH!

Speaking of which, I should really get around to that post I've been meaning to write on what it means to me to take portraits. And photos in general. It's something so central to my life and yet I've never really expressed what it means to me. But I'm not going to write it in the same post as an ex-complaint and I need to go to sleep so

Why do I keep doing this to myself? AGH. [Ex] lets Maggie take photos of zir. happily. and post them publicly. (not ashamed to be associated with Maggie I suppose) I want to claw [ex]'s fucking eyes out. "I'm just not comfortable having photos taken of me" Lies lies lies lies lies lies lies. Which I believed and respected, ARGH!

Speaking of which, I should really get around to that post I've been meaning to write on what it means to me to take portraits. And photos in general. It's something so central to my life and yet I've never really expressed what it means to me. But I'm not going to write it in the same post as an ex-complaint and I need to go to sleep so