I'm usually not at all a fan of black-and-white photography because I just love color too much, but low light and really strong lines just call for it. ;-)

These are from my trip to visit Hannah in June 2008. We did a completely impromptu (wild hair and everything) candlelit shoot on one of my last days there. This was only a few days after my heart was completely shattered, yet there is still true joy in some of these. I love these because Hannah and I work SO well together artistically and I love zir sense of composition -- I just love how ze captures me. I'm pretty sure Hannah took this whole set -- I know Nick took some of me but I think those were the set before.



( 30+ photos )

I'm usually not at all a fan of black-and-white photography because I just love color too much, but low light and really strong lines just call for it. ;-)

These are from my trip to visit Hannah in June 2008. We did a completely impromptu (wild hair and everything) candlelit shoot on one of my last days there. This was only a few days after my heart was completely shattered, yet there is still true joy in some of these. I love these because Hannah and I work SO well together artistically and I love zir sense of composition -- I just love how ze captures me. I'm pretty sure Hannah took this whole set -- I know Nick took some of me but I think those were the set before.



( 30+ photos )

"Phoenix" by Richard Powers:



After 2007, a year I called "waiting in dim light," 2008 was a year of incredible exploration and growth! Like the phoenix dying, I suffered through the beginning of the year, and like the phoenix reborn, in a short time my life just EXPLODED into a firework display of astoundingly intense experiences. Looking over this year in order to write it up, I realized that just the bare summaries of everything make for a intense read. In fact, I can hardly believe that all this happened in the same year.

I intended to make this year the year of risk-taking, the year in which I sought to build my physical fearlessness. Instead, it was the year of faith-building, and I built my spiritual fearlessness, which I hadn't even realized was something I could grow in. Through my relationship/connection with Aurilion, my oh-so-brief triads with Aurilion & Hannah and then Hannah & Nick (both of which lasted a day), reading The Secret Life of Plants, A Door Into Ocean, Talks With Trees, and several Michael Roads books, experiencing connection with myself, with trees, and with people in a way far deeper than ever before, learning to believe in myself... there is far too much to sum up, even. It's like the entire universe conspired to bring my spirituality from tentative theory into wild bold practice! and whyyyyy might that be? read this -- "Thank you God/dess for so many wonderful gifts this year! It has been the best of my life so far! So much growth and love and newness ♥ I know you more in all your forms. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and sending me myriad encouraging messages. Thank you for telling me some of your Names. Thank you for enlightening me and guiding me, and most of all for showing me so much love!" all of that happened. I got chills when I re-read it, writing this. And I wrote it originally in an almost-silly frame of mind, trying to come up with the most effusive stuff -- but writing it opened up the door for all that to flood into my life. and. it. did. I rather blushingly included finding a girlfriend/having new lovers, without having even the slightest possibilities in mind, and -- it happened! Yet another astoundingly faith-building happening, on top of all the others. And yet I feel like I've just begun believing. I don't yet know what my goal for 2009 will be but I know I'll be writing another gratitude-in-advance letter!

in 2007's summary I said "I want to come out of [2008] feeling like I have a handful of jewels, not just three or four." haha! Now I laugh at how puny a handful is compared to the arms-full-and-running-over that it turned out to be.

( important events in 2008, tenses go a bit haywire, sorry )

"Phoenix" by Richard Powers:



After 2007, a year I called "waiting in dim light," 2008 was a year of incredible exploration and growth! Like the phoenix dying, I suffered through the beginning of the year, and like the phoenix reborn, in a short time my life just EXPLODED into a firework display of astoundingly intense experiences. Looking over this year in order to write it up, I realized that just the bare summaries of everything make for a intense read. In fact, I can hardly believe that all this happened in the same year.

I intended to make this year the year of risk-taking, the year in which I sought to build my physical fearlessness. Instead, it was the year of faith-building, and I built my spiritual fearlessness, which I hadn't even realized was something I could grow in. Through my relationship/connection with Aurilion, my oh-so-brief triads with Aurilion & Hannah and then Hannah & Nick (both of which lasted a day), reading The Secret Life of Plants, A Door Into Ocean, Talks With Trees, and several Michael Roads books, experiencing connection with myself, with trees, and with people in a way far deeper than ever before, learning to believe in myself... there is far too much to sum up, even. It's like the entire universe conspired to bring my spirituality from tentative theory into wild bold practice! and whyyyyy might that be? read this -- "Thank you God/dess for so many wonderful gifts this year! It has been the best of my life so far! So much growth and love and newness ♥ I know you more in all your forms. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and sending me myriad encouraging messages. Thank you for telling me some of your Names. Thank you for enlightening me and guiding me, and most of all for showing me so much love!" all of that happened. I got chills when I re-read it, writing this. And I wrote it originally in an almost-silly frame of mind, trying to come up with the most effusive stuff -- but writing it opened up the door for all that to flood into my life. and. it. did. I rather blushingly included finding a girlfriend/having new lovers, without having even the slightest possibilities in mind, and -- it happened! Yet another astoundingly faith-building happening, on top of all the others. And yet I feel like I've just begun believing. I don't yet know what my goal for 2009 will be but I know I'll be writing another gratitude-in-advance letter!

in 2007's summary I said "I want to come out of [2008] feeling like I have a handful of jewels, not just three or four." haha! Now I laugh at how puny a handful is compared to the arms-full-and-running-over that it turned out to be.

( important events in 2008, tenses go a bit haywire, sorry )

"Phoenix" by Richard Powers:



After 2007, a year I called "waiting in dim light," 2008 was a year of incredible exploration and growth! Like the phoenix dying, I suffered through the beginning of the year, and like the phoenix reborn, in a short time my life just EXPLODED into a firework display of astoundingly intense experiences. Looking over this year in order to write it up, I realized that just the bare summaries of everything make for a intense read. In fact, I can hardly believe that all this happened in the same year.

I intended to make this year the year of risk-taking, the year in which I sought to build my physical fearlessness. Instead, it was the year of faith-building, and I built my spiritual fearlessness, which I hadn't even realized was something I could grow in. Through my relationship/connection with Aurilion, my oh-so-brief triads with Aurilion & Hannah and then Hannah & Nick (both of which lasted a day), reading The Secret Life of Plants, A Door Into Ocean, Talks With Trees, and several Michael Roads books, experiencing connection with myself, with trees, and with people in a way far deeper than ever before, learning to believe in myself... there is far too much to sum up, even. It's like the entire universe conspired to bring my spirituality from tentative theory into wild bold practice! and whyyyyy might that be? read this -- "Thank you God/dess for so many wonderful gifts this year! It has been the best of my life so far! So much growth and love and newness ♥ I know you more in all your forms. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and sending me myriad encouraging messages. Thank you for telling me some of your Names. Thank you for enlightening me and guiding me, and most of all for showing me so much love!" all of that happened. I got chills when I re-read it, writing this. And I wrote it originally in an almost-silly frame of mind, trying to come up with the most effusive stuff -- but writing it opened up the door for all that to flood into my life. and. it. did. I rather blushingly included finding a girlfriend/having new lovers, without having even the slightest possibilities in mind, and -- it happened! Yet another astoundingly faith-building happening, on top of all the others. And yet I feel like I've just begun believing. I don't yet know what my goal for 2009 will be but I know I'll be writing another gratitude-in-advance letter!

in 2007's summary I said "I want to come out of [2008] feeling like I have a handful of jewels, not just three or four." haha! Now I laugh at how puny a handful is compared to the arms-full-and-running-over that it turned out to be.

( important events in 2008, tenses go a bit haywire, sorry )

I opened up spiritually in so many ways, this visit. I think that being around two open people who resonated closely with me made me so much more aware, and gave me so much faith. If I felt something, usually they felt it too; if I spoke about spiritual things they took a profound interest. I'd never experienced that before (the visit with Aurilion was similar but ze shared a lot more than I did, as I was kinda overwhelmed and used to being the listener) and it helped me to feel comfortable exploring spiritual things. My heart really opened up (and my heart is where I feel my tree-connection to be).

I also, by divine design, was reading "The Secret Life of Plants" and realizing that so much of what I have sensed spiritually is scientifically provable. Plants have sensation. They not only respond when someone harms them, they respond to thoughts, as well as to the experiences of plants near them. ( amazing facts from the book ) I'm only halfway through the book now and it has wildly changed my life. (and I have become even more convinced that eventually science and spirit will harmonize) Why was I ordered to poke around in dead pig fetuses and cut up live frogs (both of which I refused to do, to the chagrin of my lab partner) rather than learning this incredibly vital truth about our world? This book has been around for over three decades! And yet I have NEVER heard ANYONE discuss the FACT that plants do feel -- and react to thoughts and feelings of humans (and the feelings, at least, of animals and plants)!

Thanks to that book, my logic is rejoicing that at last it can dance in harmony with my spirit. And I have so much more faith that if I feel something as true in my spirit, I will find the facts to match it.

I also met several trees in Scotland that I connected with in beautiful ways. One was a black willow (one of my favorite trees) near Hannah's apartment -- it was so large and strong, it fairly glowed with health. In Anstruther, there were three sugar maples in a cemetery that radiated the most amazing energy -- we were walking by and before I even saw them, my heart leaped! I looked up to see what was so wonderful (we were passing by on a lower level street with a wall between) and felt such kinship when I laid eyes on them. All three were loving but the one that I connected with the most was the center one, which was shaped like a less-exaggerated version of the Hercules tree I dreamed about. Also in Anstruther, there was a many-trunked tree (a type which I have not been able to identify) -- upon seeing it I immediately darted over and hugged and kissed it! It had such a sense of joy and wildness about it. And I also met the stump of a tree that had been cut down for disease -- but it was growing new shoots! it did not die! I really loved sitting/standing on it and being in the space where it had stood. There were two others in the Botanic Gardens but I'll save those for a post on that day.



( photos of me and the trees )

I opened up spiritually in so many ways, this visit. I think that being around two open people who resonated closely with me made me so much more aware, and gave me so much faith. If I felt something, usually they felt it too; if I spoke about spiritual things they took a profound interest. I'd never experienced that before (the visit with Aurilion was similar but ze shared a lot more than I did, as I was kinda overwhelmed and used to being the listener) and it helped me to feel comfortable exploring spiritual things. My heart really opened up (and my heart is where I feel my tree-connection to be).

I also, by divine design, was reading "The Secret Life of Plants" and realizing that so much of what I have sensed spiritually is scientifically provable. Plants have sensation. They not only respond when someone harms them, they respond to thoughts, as well as to the experiences of plants near them. ( amazing facts from the book ) I'm only halfway through the book now and it has wildly changed my life. (and I have become even more convinced that eventually science and spirit will harmonize) Why was I ordered to poke around in dead pig fetuses and cut up live frogs (both of which I refused to do, to the chagrin of my lab partner) rather than learning this incredibly vital truth about our world? This book has been around for over three decades! And yet I have NEVER heard ANYONE discuss the FACT that plants do feel -- and react to thoughts and feelings of humans (and the feelings, at least, of animals and plants)!

Thanks to that book, my logic is rejoicing that at last it can dance in harmony with my spirit. And I have so much more faith that if I feel something as true in my spirit, I will find the facts to match it.

I also met several trees in Scotland that I connected with in beautiful ways. One was a black willow (one of my favorite trees) near Hannah's apartment -- it was so large and strong, it fairly glowed with health. In Anstruther, there were three sugar maples in a cemetery that radiated the most amazing energy -- we were walking by and before I even saw them, my heart leaped! I looked up to see what was so wonderful (we were passing by on a lower level street with a wall between) and felt such kinship when I laid eyes on them. All three were loving but the one that I connected with the most was the center one, which was shaped like a less-exaggerated version of the Hercules tree I dreamed about. Also in Anstruther, there was a many-trunked tree (a type which I have not been able to identify) -- upon seeing it I immediately darted over and hugged and kissed it! It had such a sense of joy and wildness about it. And I also met the stump of a tree that had been cut down for disease -- but it was growing new shoots! it did not die! I really loved sitting/standing on it and being in the space where it had stood. There were two others in the Botanic Gardens but I'll save those for a post on that day.



( photos of me and the trees )

I opened up spiritually in so many ways, this visit. I think that being around two open people who resonated closely with me made me so much more aware, and gave me so much faith. If I felt something, usually they felt it too; if I spoke about spiritual things they took a profound interest. I'd never experienced that before (the visit with Aurilion was similar but ze shared a lot more than I did, as I was kinda overwhelmed and used to being the listener) and it helped me to feel comfortable exploring spiritual things. My heart really opened up (and my heart is where I feel my tree-connection to be).

I also, by divine design, was reading "The Secret Life of Plants" and realizing that so much of what I have sensed spiritually is scientifically provable. Plants have sensation. They not only respond when someone harms them, they respond to thoughts, as well as to the experiences of plants near them. ( amazing facts from the book ) I'm only halfway through the book now and it has wildly changed my life. (and I have become even more convinced that eventually science and spirit will harmonize) Why was I ordered to poke around in dead pig fetuses and cut up live frogs (both of which I refused to do, to the chagrin of my lab partner) rather than learning this incredibly vital truth about our world? This book has been around for over three decades! And yet I have NEVER heard ANYONE discuss the FACT that plants do feel -- and react to thoughts and feelings of humans (and the feelings, at least, of animals and plants)!

Thanks to that book, my logic is rejoicing that at last it can dance in harmony with my spirit. And I have so much more faith that if I feel something as true in my spirit, I will find the facts to match it.

I also met several trees in Scotland that I connected with in beautiful ways. One was a black willow (one of my favorite trees) near Hannah's apartment -- it was so large and strong, it fairly glowed with health. In Anstruther, there were three sugar maples in a cemetery that radiated the most amazing energy -- we were walking by and before I even saw them, my heart leaped! I looked up to see what was so wonderful (we were passing by on a lower level street with a wall between) and felt such kinship when I laid eyes on them. All three were loving but the one that I connected with the most was the center one, which was shaped like a less-exaggerated version of the Hercules tree I dreamed about. Also in Anstruther, there was a many-trunked tree (a type which I have not been able to identify) -- upon seeing it I immediately darted over and hugged and kissed it! It had such a sense of joy and wildness about it. And I also met the stump of a tree that had been cut down for disease -- but it was growing new shoots! it did not die! I really loved sitting/standing on it and being in the space where it had stood. There were two others in the Botanic Gardens but I'll save those for a post on that day.



( photos of me and the trees )

One of the most momentous parts of the visit was getting to know Nick. When ze visited last year, I didn't really get to know zir that well because Hannah and I were both in such a bad place, and ze was less open (I think) and I was less spiritually aware. Even then we got along really well, but this time I saw zir in a much clearer way. I realized that ze is a violet spirit, like Hannah and I, and I connected with zir so deeply! This is only the second time I have met another (open) violet spirit in person, and it is so different from when I met Hannah -- I knew Hannah really well before spending time in person, and I knew Nick very little. My connection with Hannah 'could' be explained away by our openness and honesty and the many many hours we've spent in conversation, but the connection with Nick was just there -- experiencing that really gave me a lot of faith.

After a few days of settling in, Hannah and Nick and I had this unity and understanding that was fucking incredible. It amazed me just to experience the near-telepathy with Hannah, but to experience it in a triangle, in person, added a whole new dimension. If one person was upset for any reason, both others would sense it and ask about it -- so validating! so loving! We talked constantly about both the deeply meaningful and the decidedly meaningless. (we have very similar humor: gutter-potty, I'd call it :D) I became open in a whole new way, experiencing the culture of their bond. They have a habit of asking "how are you feeling?" constantly -- I'm so unused to being asked that question that I had a hard time knowing what to say at first, but after a few days it became easy and I realized so much more about myself. I became so much more aware of my own feelings, and aware of the fact that I am used to ignoring them unless they are intense. I had no idea I repressed so much, though it makes sense when I consider the fact that my only nearby friend is my partner and (until recently) ze never asked anything about me. (Fortunately that has changed now ♥)

After about a week, Hannah told me that ze was finding it hard to balance zir time/energy/love between the two of us and said that ze thought it would be easier if Nick and I were also together romantically. Ze said the last part in a sort of playful way so I didn't take zir seriously then, just discussed ways of helping the balance. But my heart leapt at the idea, and a few days later a strange series of events (to be discussed in another post) led me to confessing that I wanted to be with both of them. They discussed it and decided that they wanted that also, so I talked with my partner (after a day of trying to reach zir) and ze said ze was fine with it. Then we had to wait another day because Hannah is not yet out as poly to zir mom, and at last we had a day just the three of us.

( I have never experienced anything so beautiful in my life )

I'm falling apart / I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart / that's still beating
in the pain / there is healing
in your name / I find meaning
so I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

One of the most momentous parts of the visit was getting to know Nick. When ze visited last year, I didn't really get to know zir that well because Hannah and I were both in such a bad place, and ze was less open (I think) and I was less spiritually aware. Even then we got along really well, but this time I saw zir in a much clearer way. I realized that ze is a violet spirit, like Hannah and I, and I connected with zir so deeply! This is only the second time I have met another (open) violet spirit in person, and it is so different from when I met Hannah -- I knew Hannah really well before spending time in person, and I knew Nick very little. My connection with Hannah 'could' be explained away by our openness and honesty and the many many hours we've spent in conversation, but the connection with Nick was just there -- experiencing that really gave me a lot of faith.

After a few days of settling in, Hannah and Nick and I had this unity and understanding that was fucking incredible. It amazed me just to experience the near-telepathy with Hannah, but to experience it in a triangle, in person, added a whole new dimension. If one person was upset for any reason, both others would sense it and ask about it -- so validating! so loving! We talked constantly about both the deeply meaningful and the decidedly meaningless. (we have very similar humor: gutter-potty, I'd call it :D) I became open in a whole new way, experiencing the culture of their bond. They have a habit of asking "how are you feeling?" constantly -- I'm so unused to being asked that question that I had a hard time knowing what to say at first, but after a few days it became easy and I realized so much more about myself. I became so much more aware of my own feelings, and aware of the fact that I am used to ignoring them unless they are intense. I had no idea I repressed so much, though it makes sense when I consider the fact that my only nearby friend is my partner and (until recently) ze never asked anything about me. (Fortunately that has changed now ♥)

After about a week, Hannah told me that ze was finding it hard to balance zir time/energy/love between the two of us and said that ze thought it would be easier if Nick and I were also together romantically. Ze said the last part in a sort of playful way so I didn't take zir seriously then, just discussed ways of helping the balance. But my heart leapt at the idea, and a few days later a strange series of events (to be discussed in another post) led me to confessing that I wanted to be with both of them. They discussed it and decided that they wanted that also, so I talked with my partner (after a day of trying to reach zir) and ze said ze was fine with it. Then we had to wait another day because Hannah is not yet out as poly to zir mom, and at last we had a day just the three of us.

( I have never experienced anything so beautiful in my life )

I'm falling apart / I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart / that's still beating
in the pain / there is healing
in your name / I find meaning
so I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

Just diving in...

One of the most momentous parts of the visit was getting to know Nick. When ze visited last year, I didn't really get to know zir that well because Hannah and I were both in such a bad place, and ze was less open (I think) and I was less spiritually aware. Even then we got along really well, but this time I saw zir in a much clearer way. I realized that ze is a violet spirit, like Hannah and I, and I connected with zir so deeply! This is only the second time I have met another (open) violet spirit in person, and it is so different from when I met Hannah -- I knew Hannah really well before spending time in person, and I knew Nick very little. My connection with Hannah 'could' be explained away by our openness and honesty and the many many hours we've spent in conversation, but the connection with Nick was just there -- experiencing that really gave me a lot of faith.

After a few days of settling in, Hannah and Nick and I had this unity and understanding that was fucking incredible. It amazed me just to experience the near-telepathy with Hannah, but to experience it in a triangle, in person, added a whole new dimension. If one person was upset for any reason, both others would sense it and ask about it -- so validating! so loving! We talked constantly about both the deeply meaningful and the decidedly meaningless. (we have very similar humor: gutter-potty, I'd call it :D) I became open in a whole new way, experiencing the culture of their bond. They have a habit of asking "how are you feeling?" constantly -- I'm so unused to being asked that question that I had a hard time knowing what to say at first, but after a few days it became easy and I realized so much more about myself. I became so much more aware of my own feelings, and aware of the fact that I am used to ignoring them unless they are intense. I had no idea I repressed so much, though it makes sense when I consider the fact that my only nearby friend is my partner and (until recently) ze never asked anything about me. (Fortunately that has changed now ♥)

After about a week, Hannah told me that ze was finding it hard to balance zir time/energy/love between the two of us and said that ze thought it would be easier if Nick and I were also together romantically. Ze said the last part in a sort of playful way so I didn't take zir seriously then, just discussed ways of helping the balance. But my heart leapt at the idea, and a few days later a strange series of events (to be discussed in another post) led me to confessing that I wanted to be with both of them. They discussed it and decided that they wanted that also, so I talked with my partner (after a day of trying to reach zir) and ze said ze was fine with it. Then we had to wait another day because Hannah is not yet out as poly to zir mom, and at last we had a day just the three of us.

( I have never experienced anything so beautiful in my life )

I'm falling apart / I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart / that's still beating
in the pain / there is healing
in your name / I find meaning
so I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm back! and no this is not a photo post of the trip, it's entirely me. Because I got violet put in my hair a few days before leaving and it looked amazing, and throughout the trip it turned increasingly... blonde. (*eek* blonde ≠ true-bel-look) So you have to see it as it was meant to be first ;-)

( violet haired Bel )

Obviously this visit is going to take many posts, but I'll give you the smallest smattering of thoughts to open it up:

--felt joy far beyond anything I have ever experienced
--felt pain far beyond anything I have ever experienced
--met a ghost (which shocked me as I didn't believe in them!)
--met a demonic presence / negative spirit
--discovered a totem of mine
--experienced miracles
--got rained on quite a bit
--missed many buses and a train, took a $220 taxi ride
--drank more alcohol in 3 weeks than the sum of what I'd drunk in my entire life.
--took many gigs of photos, including black & white nudes
--found two dead birds (separately)
--visited two countries and 6 airports
--met two LJ friends, one of whom I'd known for 3.5 years!
--met several amazing trees
--had thousands of kisses and hundreds of cuddles

overall, the most growth-inducing, wonderful, dreadful, fantastic, wounding, healing, magical time of my life. I feel I have completely metamorphosed at least twice on this trip, and I am so far beyond my month-younger self. And my partner my partner has metamorphosed while I was gone, also... my life is so completely different. I lost so much fear and discovered SO MUCH! I learned such an incredible amount. My hands are full, overflowing, and dripping with jewels... I'm surrounded by the most incredible beauty.

I missed you loveys! I tried to keep up somewhat with reading but I have missed a lot. Tell me whatcha been up to!

I'm back! and no this is not a photo post of the trip, it's entirely me. Because I got violet put in my hair a few days before leaving and it looked amazing, and throughout the trip it turned increasingly... blonde. (*eek* blonde ≠ true-bel-look) So you have to see it as it was meant to be first ;-)

( violet haired Bel )

Obviously this visit is going to take many posts, but I'll give you the smallest smattering of thoughts to open it up:

--felt joy far beyond anything I have ever experienced
--felt pain far beyond anything I have ever experienced
--met a ghost (which shocked me as I didn't believe in them!)
--met a demonic presence / negative spirit
--discovered a totem of mine
--experienced miracles
--got rained on quite a bit
--missed many buses and a train, took a $220 taxi ride
--drank more alcohol in 3 weeks than the sum of what I'd drunk in my entire life.
--took many gigs of photos, including black & white nudes
--found two dead birds (separately)
--visited two countries and 6 airports
--met two LJ friends, one of whom I'd known for 3.5 years!
--met several amazing trees
--had thousands of kisses and hundreds of cuddles

overall, the most growth-inducing, wonderful, dreadful, fantastic, wounding, healing, magical time of my life. I feel I have completely metamorphosed at least twice on this trip, and I am so far beyond my month-younger self. And my partner my partner has metamorphosed while I was gone, also... my life is so completely different. I lost so much fear and discovered SO MUCH! I learned such an incredible amount. My hands are full, overflowing, and dripping with jewels... I'm surrounded by the most incredible beauty.

I missed you loveys! I tried to keep up somewhat with reading but I have missed a lot. Tell me whatcha been up to!

I'm back! and no this is not a photo post of the trip, it's entirely me. Because I got violet put in my hair a few days before leaving and it looked amazing, and throughout the trip it turned increasingly... blonde. (*eek* blonde ≠ true-bel-look) So you have to see it as it was meant to be first ;-)

( violet haired Bel )

Obviously this visit is going to take many posts, but I'll give you the smallest smattering of thoughts to open it up:

--felt joy far beyond anything I have ever experienced
--felt pain far beyond anything I have ever experienced
--met a ghost (which shocked me as I didn't believe in them!)
--met a demonic presence / negative spirit
--discovered a totem of mine
--experienced miracles
--got rained on quite a bit
--missed many buses and a train, took a $220 taxi ride
--drank more alcohol in 3 weeks than the sum of what I'd drunk in my entire life.
--took many gigs of photos, including black & white nudes
--found two dead birds (separately)
--visited two countries and 6 airports
--met two LJ friends, one of whom I'd known for 3.5 years!
--met several amazing trees
--had thousands of kisses and hundreds of cuddles

overall, the most growth-inducing, wonderful, dreadful, fantastic, wounding, healing, magical time of my life. I feel I have completely metamorphosed at least twice on this trip, and I am so far beyond my month-younger self. And my partner my partner has metamorphosed while I was gone, also... my life is so completely different. I lost so much fear and discovered SO MUCH! I learned such an incredible amount. My hands are full, overflowing, and dripping with jewels... I'm surrounded by the most incredible beauty.

I missed you loveys! I tried to keep up somewhat with reading but I have missed a lot. Tell me whatcha been up to!

I've felt so blocked for the past week! I think it may be because I was on a weird schedule (for me) -- going to bed at like 7 or 8 pm and getting up 12 hours later. (I'm actually able to write now since it's past midnight. I am a daughter of the Night!) and I am frustrated because I've been trying to reply to comments but I keep stalling out, and I don't want to get more behind! I know you would forgive me but it bothers me to leave comments unacknowledged.

anyway. I went and applied for the passport, which was so much easier than I thought it would be. I felt very brave, driving to a new place all alone and handling it all without too much stressing out. I talked to strangers comfortably as I waited in line, and then chatted with the (friendly!) lady who handled my application. Yay me! *applauds self*

I've also been decorating myself more -- I went and bought a ton of scarves from goodwill to use as head & hip scarves, and I've been buying makeup here and there. I found this amazing shimmery sheer shadow that works PERFECTLY for my under-eye decoration. I have very thin skin under my eyes and no matter how much sleep I get or how healthy I am, I always have purple there. I used to try to hide it with concealer, but since I no longer believe in concealer I have accepted my purple shadows as part of my face and decorate them instead of trying to hide them. They're now one of my favorite features! With shimmery shadow to highlight them, they make me look quite fey. ( see? )

Also! Hannah's last package finally showed up yesterday so we got on the phone and had a present-opening festival (her b-day is 8 days from mine). We both took photos of our presents 'cause we're like that XD.

( presents from hannahface )

She loved the presents I got her too :D I got her something glow-in-the-dark too, and toys, and a CD, heh -- theme? ;-) We're such wild little children. Every day that passes I get a little more excited about seeing her again. And Nick-n-Kate-n-Meliae! eeeeeeee!!! *hyperhophop*

I want to post about my spirituality -- I keep wanting to, mentally composing entries, and then not doing it. I don't know why! Maybe because I don't fit into any one religion (or even two) so sharing it publicly might make me feel more aware of my aloneness? Maybe because there is just so MUCH and I don't know where to start? I dunno. But that's one of my goals so I hope to get started soon. if you'd be interested, please let me know because I think that would help to motivate me (thanks ever so much a_singularity for your questions! they gave me a good head start on a post).

I made up a little flyer and posted it on the church bulletin board, hoping to find more people around and maybe start a weekly get-together to discuss our similarities/differences/new-thoughts. I've had one person contact me so far, I responded but haven't heard back yet. Hope this works out better than meetup! ;-)

I've felt so blocked for the past week! I think it may be because I was on a weird schedule (for me) -- going to bed at like 7 or 8 pm and getting up 12 hours later. (I'm actually able to write now since it's past midnight. I am a daughter of the Night!) and I am frustrated because I've been trying to reply to comments but I keep stalling out, and I don't want to get more behind! I know you would forgive me but it bothers me to leave comments unacknowledged.

anyway. I went and applied for the passport, which was so much easier than I thought it would be. I felt very brave, driving to a new place all alone and handling it all without too much stressing out. I talked to strangers comfortably as I waited in line, and then chatted with the (friendly!) lady who handled my application. Yay me! *applauds self*

I've also been decorating myself more -- I went and bought a ton of scarves from goodwill to use as head & hip scarves, and I've been buying makeup here and there. I found this amazing shimmery sheer shadow that works PERFECTLY for my under-eye decoration. I have very thin skin under my eyes and no matter how much sleep I get or how healthy I am, I always have purple there. I used to try to hide it with concealer, but since I no longer believe in concealer I have accepted my purple shadows as part of my face and decorate them instead of trying to hide them. They're now one of my favorite features! With shimmery shadow to highlight them, they make me look quite fey. ( see? )

Also! Hannah's last package finally showed up yesterday so we got on the phone and had a present-opening festival (her b-day is 8 days from mine). We both took photos of our presents 'cause we're like that XD.

( presents from hannahface )

She loved the presents I got her too :D I got her something glow-in-the-dark too, and toys, and a CD, heh -- theme? ;-) We're such wild little children. Every day that passes I get a little more excited about seeing her again. And Nick-n-Kate-n-Meliae! eeeeeeee!!! *hyperhophop*

I want to post about my spirituality -- I keep wanting to, mentally composing entries, and then not doing it. I don't know why! Maybe because I don't fit into any one religion (or even two) so sharing it publicly might make me feel more aware of my aloneness? Maybe because there is just so MUCH and I don't know where to start? I dunno. But that's one of my goals so I hope to get started soon. if you'd be interested, please let me know because I think that would help to motivate me (thanks ever so much a_singularity for your questions! they gave me a good head start on a post).

I made up a little flyer and posted it on the church bulletin board, hoping to find more people around and maybe start a weekly get-together to discuss our similarities/differences/new-thoughts. I've had one person contact me so far, I responded but haven't heard back yet. Hope this works out better than meetup! ;-)

I've felt so blocked for the past week! I think it may be because I was on a weird schedule (for me) -- going to bed at like 7 or 8 pm and getting up 12 hours later. (I'm actually able to write now since it's past midnight. I am a daughter of the Night!) and I am frustrated because I've been trying to reply to comments but I keep stalling out, and I don't want to get more behind! I know you would forgive me but it bothers me to leave comments unacknowledged.

anyway. I went and applied for the passport, which was so much easier than I thought it would be. I felt very brave, driving to a new place all alone and handling it all without too much stressing out. I talked to strangers comfortably as I waited in line, and then chatted with the (friendly!) lady who handled my application. Yay me! *applauds self*

I've also been decorating myself more -- I went and bought a ton of scarves from goodwill to use as head & hip scarves, and I've been buying makeup here and there. I found this amazing shimmery sheer shadow that works PERFECTLY for my under-eye decoration. I have very thin skin under my eyes and no matter how much sleep I get or how healthy I am, I always have purple there. I used to try to hide it with concealer, but since I no longer believe in concealer I have accepted my purple shadows as part of my face and decorate them instead of trying to hide them. They're now one of my favorite features! With shimmery shadow to highlight them, they make me look quite fey. ( see? )

Also! Hannah's last package finally showed up yesterday so we got on the phone and had a present-opening festival (her b-day is 8 days from mine). We both took photos of our presents 'cause we're like that XD.

( presents from hannahface )

She loved the presents I got her too :D I got her something glow-in-the-dark too, and toys, and a CD, heh -- theme? ;-) We're such wild little children. Every day that passes I get a little more excited about seeing her again. And Nick-n-Kate-n-Meliae! eeeeeeee!!! *hyperhophop*

I want to post about my spirituality -- I keep wanting to, mentally composing entries, and then not doing it. I don't know why! Maybe because I don't fit into any one religion (or even two) so sharing it publicly might make me feel more aware of my aloneness? Maybe because there is just so MUCH and I don't know where to start? I dunno. But that's one of my goals so I hope to get started soon. if you'd be interested, please let me know because I think that would help to motivate me (thanks ever so much a_singularity for your questions! they gave me a good head start on a post).

I made up a little flyer and posted it on the church bulletin board, hoping to find more people around and maybe start a weekly get-together to discuss our similarities/differences/new-thoughts. I've had one person contact me so far, I responded but haven't heard back yet. Hope this works out better than meetup! ;-)

( the tickets have been bought! )

I go tomorrow morning to get my passport. *eeeeek!* I find this very very scary, but "ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom" -- Marilyn Ferguson. Somebody pinch me? am I really going on such a long journey alone? wow. Going so far away from my safety net is scary enough. Add in staying with Hannah and Nick, meeting Kate and Meliae... this is insanely thrilling and nerve-wracking. *shiver*

This risk-taking thing hasn't brought many external changes yet, but it has brought on a radical internal shift. Instead of seeing fears as walls to be accepted and ignored, I see them as doors, locked (to be picked open) or just stuck (to be broken down). I'm much more aware of my opportunities, more appreciative. I like this new evolution.

please send me calming energy if you can, I need to get up early and I'm worried that I won't be able to sleep for fear of missing the appointment *is insane*

( the tickets have been bought! )

I go tomorrow morning to get my passport. *eeeeek!* I find this very very scary, but "ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom" -- Marilyn Ferguson. Somebody pinch me? am I really going on such a long journey alone? wow. Going so far away from my safety net is scary enough. Add in staying with Hannah and Nick, meeting Kate and Meliae... this is insanely thrilling and nerve-wracking. *shiver*

This risk-taking thing hasn't brought many external changes yet, but it has brought on a radical internal shift. Instead of seeing fears as walls to be accepted and ignored, I see them as doors, locked (to be picked open) or just stuck (to be broken down). I'm much more aware of my opportunities, more appreciative. I like this new evolution.

please send me calming energy if you can, I need to get up early and I'm worried that I won't be able to sleep for fear of missing the appointment *is insane*

( the tickets have been bought! )

I go tomorrow morning to get my passport. *eeeeek!* I find this very very scary, but "ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom" -- Marilyn Ferguson. Somebody pinch me? am I really going on such a long journey alone? wow. Going so far away from my safety net is scary enough. Add in staying with Hannah and Nick, meeting Kate and Meliae... this is insanely thrilling and nerve-wracking. *shiver*

This risk-taking thing hasn't brought many external changes yet, but it has brought on a radical internal shift. Instead of seeing fears as walls to be accepted and ignored, I see them as doors, locked (to be picked open) or just stuck (to be broken down). I'm much more aware of my opportunities, more appreciative. I like this new evolution.

please send me calming energy if you can, I need to get up early and I'm worried that I won't be able to sleep for fear of missing the appointment *is insane*

yesterday Hannah and I had this amazing conversation... We had never really talked about the stuff that happened during her visit, and somehow the topic came up. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with all of this pain which I had tried to explain away, but which of course had never really been dealt with. I felt so terrified and despairing, seeing all of these blocks between us that seemed impossible to remove. We discussed it and realized that one of the biggest hurts for me was caused by a misunderstanding: one simple word which we both understood to mean something completely different. Realizing this was such a huge relief, such a huge step towards closing the gap between us. Before this conversation, I was closing my eyes and taking a leap of faith in planning to visit her; now I'm still taking a leap of faith, but I have opened my eyes and caught a glimpse of where I will land. I feel very encouraged and much more sure that this is the right choice.

Next time I'm clashing with someone, I very much hope I remember to check definitions -- language is such a clumsy thing. The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. -- Mark Twain

yesterday Hannah and I had this amazing conversation... We had never really talked about the stuff that happened during her visit, and somehow the topic came up. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with all of this pain which I had tried to explain away, but which of course had never really been dealt with. I felt so terrified and despairing, seeing all of these blocks between us that seemed impossible to remove. We discussed it and realized that one of the biggest hurts for me was caused by a misunderstanding: one simple word which we both understood to mean something completely different. Realizing this was such a huge relief, such a huge step towards closing the gap between us. Before this conversation, I was closing my eyes and taking a leap of faith in planning to visit her; now I'm still taking a leap of faith, but I have opened my eyes and caught a glimpse of where I will land. I feel very encouraged and much more sure that this is the right choice.

Next time I'm clashing with someone, I very much hope I remember to check definitions -- language is such a clumsy thing. The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. -- Mark Twain

yesterday Hannah and I had this amazing conversation... We had never really talked about the stuff that happened during her visit, and somehow the topic came up. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with all of this pain which I had tried to explain away, but which of course had never really been dealt with. I felt so terrified and despairing, seeing all of these blocks between us that seemed impossible to remove. We discussed it and realized that one of the biggest hurts for me was caused by a misunderstanding: one simple word which we both understood to mean something completely different. Realizing this was such a huge relief, such a huge step towards closing the gap between us. Before this conversation, I was closing my eyes and taking a leap of faith in planning to visit her; now I'm still taking a leap of faith, but I have opened my eyes and caught a glimpse of where I will land. I feel very encouraged and much more sure that this is the right choice.

Next time I'm clashing with someone, I very much hope I remember to check definitions -- language is such a clumsy thing. The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. -- Mark Twain

( my greatest challenge is always the one in front of me )

I've declared 2008 the year of risk-taking, and here are my goals (stars by the ones I have already taken steps in, bolded the ones I've done):

• take risks! when I have an opportunity that I am uncomfortable taking, take it!
  --- ★ -- longer drives, less familiar territory
  --- ★ -- meet more people; get involved with groups
  --- ★ -- take the initiative to make plans with friends
  --- find local events and go to them, alone!
  --- take at least one long bus trip to visit out-of-state friends (I've never taken a bus)
  --- go skinnydipping at least once
  --- go to at least one concert
  --- get passport, travel out of the States! (I've never been out of the US)
  --- go to Scotland & Belgium, meet Kate and Meliae, spend time with Hannah and Nick!
  --- maybe, just maybe, go skydiving. *eeeeek*


• develop spiritually
  --- grow closer to God/dess
  --- ★ -- practice listening to my spirit and following my intuition!!!
  --- write more about my spiritual journey
  --- ★ -- go to church more & read more spiritual books
  --- visit the Etowah mounds a few times, maybe once a month after it gets warm.


• get stronger
  --- ★ -- go to curves three times a week, stay active
  --- take a self-defense class
  --- do the nocturnal treetop excursion in April
  --- dance more, maybe start taking bellydancing classes again.


• create more
  --- ★ -- make more jewelry
  --- paint more (get an easel, maybe find a painting buddy)
  --- ★ -- photography (take more and especially SHARE more)


• decorate myself more; develop a wardrobe that is more expressive of me.
  --- get streaks of violet in my hair when it gets to the right length
  --- get at least one tattoo!
  --- ★ -- get more 'me' clothing and go to the trouble of arranging outfits rather than wearing the easiest thing to put on.
  --- ★ -- find more of my meaningful rings and fix my soul ring :-(


• bring more love and joy into the world:
  --- leave 'you are beautiful' notes, make trinkets to give away
  --- ★ -- give genuine, full smiles to people rather than this wan thing I've gotten in the habit of
  --- strike up more conversations with strangers


• meet more of my lj friends!
  --- ★ -- meet at least 5 4 new I haven't before! (met Katie, yay!)
  --- visit Kat (once it gets warm)
  --- maybe visit Megan & Dee, Ali, Katie, Vee & Nea? too many for one year probably but I'll aim for the stars.
  --- meet Ava (and maybe Ry and Dani), maybe during a stopover in NY on May 27th? I may have a 3-to-10 hour stopover, so if you live near JFK airport and wanna meet me, let me know asap because I am (*deep breath*) BUYING THE TICKET THIS WEEK! It's a little cheaper to go through Toronto so if nobody wants to can meet me I'll be going that way instead.
  --- any of you *points to flist* are welcome to come visit me anytime, as long as you don't mind sharing a bed or crashing on the couch. *sigh* hopefully this time next year we will have guest space.


• Self-educate:
  --- ★ -- read 55 books or 17,171 pages this year, keep a running list, and post updates!
  --- keep at least a 1-to-4 ratio of non-fiction to fiction.
  --- maybe take art classes? or ASL? I want to learn so badly!


• ★ -- further develop my soulfriendship with Nimajneb
  
• create a new soulfriendship or restore an old one.
  
• find a girlfriend
  
• ★ -- post WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT, as often as I am moved to do so

( my greatest challenge is always the one in front of me )

I've declared 2008 the year of risk-taking, and here are my goals (stars by the ones I have already taken steps in, bolded the ones I've done):

• take risks! when I have an opportunity that I am uncomfortable taking, take it!
  --- ★ -- longer drives, less familiar territory
  --- ★ -- meet more people; get involved with groups
  --- ★ -- take the initiative to make plans with friends
  --- find local events and go to them, alone!
  --- take at least one long bus trip to visit out-of-state friends (I've never taken a bus)
  --- go skinnydipping at least once
  --- go to at least one concert
  --- get passport, travel out of the States! (I've never been out of the US)
  --- go to Scotland & Belgium, meet Kate and Meliae, spend time with Hannah and Nick!
  --- maybe, just maybe, go skydiving. *eeeeek*


• develop spiritually
  --- grow closer to God/dess
  --- ★ -- practice listening to my spirit and following my intuition!!!
  --- write more about my spiritual journey
  --- ★ -- go to church more & read more spiritual books
  --- visit the Etowah mounds a few times, maybe once a month after it gets warm.


• get stronger
  --- ★ -- go to curves three times a week, stay active
  --- take a self-defense class
  --- do the nocturnal treetop excursion in April
  --- dance more, maybe start taking bellydancing classes again.


• create more
  --- ★ -- make more jewelry
  --- paint more (get an easel, maybe find a painting buddy)
  --- ★ -- photography (take more and especially SHARE more)


• decorate myself more; develop a wardrobe that is more expressive of me.
  --- get streaks of violet in my hair when it gets to the right length
  --- get at least one tattoo!
  --- ★ -- get more 'me' clothing and go to the trouble of arranging outfits rather than wearing the easiest thing to put on.
  --- ★ -- find more of my meaningful rings and fix my soul ring :-(


• bring more love and joy into the world:
  --- leave 'you are beautiful' notes, make trinkets to give away
  --- ★ -- give genuine, full smiles to people rather than this wan thing I've gotten in the habit of
  --- strike up more conversations with strangers


• meet more of my lj friends!
  --- ★ -- meet at least 5 4 new I haven't before! (met Katie, yay!)
  --- visit Kat (once it gets warm)
  --- maybe visit Megan & Dee, Ali, Katie, Vee & Nea? too many for one year probably but I'll aim for the stars.
  --- meet Ava (and maybe Ry and Dani), maybe during a stopover in NY on May 27th? I may have a 3-to-10 hour stopover, so if you live near JFK airport and wanna meet me, let me know asap because I am (*deep breath*) BUYING THE TICKET THIS WEEK! It's a little cheaper to go through Toronto so if nobody wants to can meet me I'll be going that way instead.
  --- any of you *points to flist* are welcome to come visit me anytime, as long as you don't mind sharing a bed or crashing on the couch. *sigh* hopefully this time next year we will have guest space.


• Self-educate:
  --- ★ -- read 55 books or 17,171 pages this year, keep a running list, and post updates!
  --- keep at least a 1-to-4 ratio of non-fiction to fiction.
  --- maybe take art classes? or ASL? I want to learn so badly!


• ★ -- further develop my soulfriendship with Nimajneb
  
• create a new soulfriendship or restore an old one.
  
• find a girlfriend
  
• ★ -- post WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT, as often as I am moved to do so

( my greatest challenge is always the one in front of me )

I've declared 2008 the year of risk-taking, and here are my goals (stars by the ones I have already taken steps in, bolded the ones I've done):

• take risks! when I have an opportunity that I am uncomfortable taking, take it!
  --- ★ -- longer drives, less familiar territory
  --- ★ -- meet more people; get involved with groups
  --- ★ -- take the initiative to make plans with friends
  --- find local events and go to them, alone!
  --- take at least one long bus trip to visit out-of-state friends (I've never taken a bus)
  --- go skinnydipping at least once
  --- go to at least one concert
  --- get passport, travel out of the States! (I've never been out of the US)
  --- go to Scotland & Belgium, meet Kate and Meliae, spend time with Hannah and Nick!
  --- maybe, just maybe, go skydiving. *eeeeek*


• develop spiritually
  --- grow closer to God/dess
  --- ★ -- practice listening to my spirit and following my intuition!!!
  --- write more about my spiritual journey
  --- ★ -- go to church more & read more spiritual books
  --- visit the Etowah mounds a few times, maybe once a month after it gets warm.


• get stronger
  --- ★ -- go to curves three times a week, stay active
  --- take a self-defense class
  --- do the nocturnal treetop excursion in April
  --- dance more, maybe start taking bellydancing classes again.


• create more
  --- ★ -- make more jewelry
  --- paint more (get an easel, maybe find a painting buddy)
  --- ★ -- photography (take more and especially SHARE more)


• decorate myself more; develop a wardrobe that is more expressive of me.
  --- get streaks of violet in my hair when it gets to the right length
  --- get at least one tattoo!
  --- ★ -- get more 'me' clothing and go to the trouble of arranging outfits rather than wearing the easiest thing to put on.
  --- ★ -- find more of my meaningful rings and fix my soul ring :-(


• bring more love and joy into the world:
  --- leave 'you are beautiful' notes, make trinkets to give away
  --- ★ -- give genuine, full smiles to people rather than this wan thing I've gotten in the habit of
  --- strike up more conversations with strangers


• meet more of my lj friends!
  --- ★ -- meet at least 5 4 new I haven't before! (met Katie, yay!)
  --- visit Kat (once it gets warm)
  --- maybe visit Megan & Dee, Ali, Katie, Vee & Nea? too many for one year probably but I'll aim for the stars.
  --- meet Ava (and maybe Ry and Dani), maybe during a stopover in NY on May 27th? I may have a 3-to-10 hour stopover, so if you live near JFK airport and wanna meet me, let me know asap because I am (*deep breath*) BUYING THE TICKET THIS WEEK! It's a little cheaper to go through Toronto so if nobody wants to can meet me I'll be going that way instead.
  --- any of you *points to flist* are welcome to come visit me anytime, as long as you don't mind sharing a bed or crashing on the couch. *sigh* hopefully this time next year we will have guest space.


• Self-educate:
  --- ★ -- read 55 books or 17,171 pages this year, keep a running list, and post updates!
  --- keep at least a 1-to-4 ratio of non-fiction to fiction.
  --- maybe take art classes? or ASL? I want to learn so badly!


• ★ -- further develop my soulfriendship with Nimajneb
  
• create a new soulfriendship or restore an old one.
  
• find a girlfriend
  
• ★ -- post WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT, as often as I am moved to do so

I have news.
big news.
very big news.

HUGE news.

Hannah and I are communicating again.

I'm still in shock really. We'd been on friendly terms since the breakup, but there was this huge wall of pain between us, and we didn't communicate in real time at all. Then a few days ago I just happened to sign in (after a long period of being anti-IM), saw Nick online, and poked him and told him to tell Hannah I love her. She was with him and responded, and we just started talking. It just flowed. Since then we've had two 4+ hour conversations and it's surreal and amazing and... wow. I haven't really processed it, so you'll probably see more on that later.

Even more amazing and insane? I'm going to visit her in a few months (depending on our tax return, positive thoughts/prayers for gazillions of money!) in Scotland! And I'm going to meet Kate, and visit Belgium, and meet Meliae! Holy crap. I've never been out of the country before (just got my passport application eek) so it is VERY SCARY and so exciting. Not to mention that we have... this... unsettledness between us. But whatever changes our friendship goes through, this will be a growing experience. I feel sure that it can't be as bad as the last visit, which was survivable and had amazing sparks of magic amongst all the thorns. Both of us are in a better place now. Plus, Nick will be there, and the energy between the three of us is just incredible.

And, this is the year of risk-taking.

I have news.
big news.
very big news.

HUGE news.

Hannah and I are communicating again.

I'm still in shock really. We'd been on friendly terms since the breakup, but there was this huge wall of pain between us, and we didn't communicate in real time at all. Then a few days ago I just happened to sign in (after a long period of being anti-IM), saw Nick online, and poked him and told him to tell Hannah I love her. She was with him and responded, and we just started talking. It just flowed. Since then we've had two 4+ hour conversations and it's surreal and amazing and... wow. I haven't really processed it, so you'll probably see more on that later.

Even more amazing and insane? I'm going to visit her in a few months (depending on our tax return, positive thoughts/prayers for gazillions of money!) in Scotland! And I'm going to meet Kate, and visit Belgium, and meet Meliae! Holy crap. I've never been out of the country before (just got my passport application eek) so it is VERY SCARY and so exciting. Not to mention that we have... this... unsettledness between us. But whatever changes our friendship goes through, this will be a growing experience. I feel sure that it can't be as bad as the last visit, which was survivable and had amazing sparks of magic amongst all the thorns. Both of us are in a better place now. Plus, Nick will be there, and the energy between the three of us is just incredible.

And, this is the year of risk-taking.

I have news.
big news.
very big news.

HUGE news.

Hannah and I are communicating again.

I'm still in shock really. We'd been on friendly terms since the breakup, but there was this huge wall of pain between us, and we didn't communicate in real time at all. Then a few days ago I just happened to sign in (after a long period of being anti-IM), saw Nick online, and poked him and told him to tell Hannah I love her. She was with him and responded, and we just started talking. It just flowed. Since then we've had two 4+ hour conversations and it's surreal and amazing and... wow. I haven't really processed it, so you'll probably see more on that later.

Even more amazing and insane? I'm going to visit her in a few months (depending on our tax return, positive thoughts/prayers for gazillions of money!) in Scotland! And I'm going to meet Kate, and visit Belgium, and meet Meliae! Holy crap. I've never been out of the country before (just got my passport application eek) so it is VERY SCARY and so exciting. Not to mention that we have... this... unsettledness between us. But whatever changes our friendship goes through, this will be a growing experience. I feel sure that it can't be as bad as the last visit, which was survivable and had amazing sparks of magic amongst all the thorns. Both of us are in a better place now. Plus, Nick will be there, and the energy between the three of us is just incredible.

And, this is the year of risk-taking.