yearnings, missing you, maybes and ifs, I need Georgian summer
Kisses! how I long for more -- why can't I kiss everyone in the world? and oh God/dess, hands. Really, I'm such a hands person. Hands and mouths (because it's mostly the lips but it's also the whole structure, y'know?) but hands first. There've been moments when I've held hands with someone and it felt more intimate than kissing or fucking.I'm a little baffled at what my mind returns to lately. I'd have expected to pine and mourn and suffer over the Ash & Rob thing but I haven't been. Parts of it just sort of evaporated (can't really explain that because it's not only my story and it's too near) and the bits that are still painful I'm just avoiding the fuck out of. So instead what fills my mind is ( other doomed attractions )
Also if I have to move out of state that means that Ben and I will be on hiatus because ze doesn't do long distance. So that's a little depressing. It already sucks that living this far means I only get time alone with zir once a week. I mean, I'm grateful for that, but I need more intimate-connection-time than that. Not necessarily with the same person, not even necessarily romantic, just more. I need mindful cuddles everyday. I need naked, open conversation at least every other day. And you know? now that I'm thinking on it, if I were to move with the biofamily, I would get cuddles and naked-open-conversation all the time from my lil sis. And right this minute I want that more than anything else. :-(
But but! if I can stay here I can be with Ben and mayyyyyyyybe one of those who have laid claim to my mindspace and who knows what other possibilities? I do have a few leads on jobs (nothing definite yet) and I feel pretty sure I can find a decent place to live if I can find work that would actually pay my bills. And I could go back to school for free. I want that so much. I want THIS. I want here, this is my home.
And the idea of not being in Georgia in summer makes me ache and weep. I love Georgia in summer more than I've ever loved a person and I think more than I ever will love any single person. It's the most unbearable beauty and it breathes and embraces me, I need it. NEED. Please God/dess, please don't make me leave before I've had at least a little of it. I beg you, All-That-Has-Compassion, let me taste true summer.
explanation of the previous posts: I fell in love with a couple, boom-boom. But now I feel pretty sure that it's not going to work (at least, not now) and I'm trying to process it :-[
still waiting for things to settle, which mayn't happen for another DAY.
oh my god