It has been about 2 years now since I last got my heart broken, and it has been about 3 years since I last fell in love. For a while I would fall every year or two and get my heart absolutely trampled, but I've been cautious for a while now.

I can afford to be cautious because I am fully nourished by my relationship with Topaz and I am more in love with them than I have ever been with anyone. I do want to experience falling in love with someone else again, since I know it will be such a different experience now.

I don't fetishize my relationships anymore which is a completely different experience that allows me to observe them in a much truer way. By fetishize I mean, I elevated the importance of connection far above the practicalities of helping each other get needs met.

In the past I have endured people putting no effort in, trying to push me to give to them in ways that would harm me, not expressing appreciation for who I am and what I do, not expressing encouragement for my growth, not being willing to learn themselves, and/or not trying to understand and fully know me. I did this because I felt an intuitive connection with the person and I wanted to keep experiencing that so badly that I was willing to suffer for 90% of the relationship for the sake of that 10% of connection.

I'm no longer doing this, not because I made a choice to stop doing it, but because I stopped over-valuing "spiritual" connections. It was a leftover fetish from when I was religious, and it was a really damaging one because I put that sensation at higher importance than anything else. I still love feeling an intuitive connection with someone, and it is still magical to me and something I feel super lucky to have with Topaz, but it is NOT more important than being treated with respect, appreciation, consent, and curiosity.

Before I let myself fall in love again, I will need to know that the person can be: appreciative of who I am (not just what I do), more than willing to navigate conflict with me, curious & eager to know me, independently growing, encouraging of my growth, open and honest, willing and able to invest effort in building our relationship, considering my emotions as important in making decisions that affect me, and not yearning for more than I can freely give. All of these things I offer in a relationship and for me to feel fulfilled I need to receive them as well.

If I never find another person like this, that is okay. I already got luckier than I would have ever imagined possible to have all of this and more with Topaz. And I can still build meaningful and nourishing connections without being in love.

comment with your name and I will tell you if I have one of the following types of crush on you! I may add more if I think of more. DON'T REPLY IF you're not okay with me crushing on you in ALL or NONE of these okay?

1) romantic: I maybe* wanna spend time completely focused on my feelings for you and/or make you feel fully adored (OR I have felt this way in the past)
2) sexy: I maybe* wanna bite you, wrestle you, make out with you, or give you intense physical sensations
3) aesthetic: I wanna gaze at your face & take photos of you
4) cognitive/mind: I am fascinated by the way you think
5) cuddle/heart: I wanna lay around with you and share sweet pets
6) personality/soul: the way you interact with the world makes me happy
7) creative/artistic: I want to observe anything and everything you create
8) movement: I wanna watch you move, pick things up, walk, gesture
9) verbal: the way you use words makes me appreciate them in a new way
10) values: your practical applications of your ethics make me feel safer and more hopeful about life
11) style: the way you self-decorate delights me and makes me want to carefully observe your ensembles as a transitory kind of art

*these can only ever be maybes unless the other person has told me frankly that they want those things with me AND there is no worry on my part that they want/need to get more than I am wanting/able to give

https://www.facebook.com/belenen/posts/10160557185520507

So when Saleena died and I started thinking about the people I didn't want to miss the chance to connect with, I emailed Evelyn a very short message saying that I hope life is going well for them, and then a few days ago they replied and asked to hang out. I said okay and gave them options and they chose this past Wednesday. I then put it out of my mind as much as possible so that I didn't fret or get my hopes up -- I think subconsciously I was expecting them to cancel. But they didn't!

They came over and we talked for about 2 hours. It was a meaningful conversation though uncomfortable in several ways. I initially asked them what they valued about me and they talked about my integrity and justice-minded-ness and how they wanted to create a project for social change with me. I told them that their response worried me as I feel like they are interacting with me like I am an idea and not a person. They responded "that is a fair concern" which was both reassuringly honest and dismayingly fear-affirming.

I said I am not looking to start a big project right now as I am in need of a rest period after years of financial trauma and lots of loss, and I don't know how long I need this rest period to be but I am guessing at least a year. What I want to create right now is a web of connections which are mutually nourishing, healing, and growthful. I added that I don't find it nourishing to be admired or to be an inspiration to others. They listened and seemed to take in what I was saying, and they apologized for not being nourishing when we were together before.

They expressed that they didn't feel disappointed or distressed that I don't want to start a project with them right now, which is good but that left me again with no answer about what they are looking for (I don't think they know). They said they didn't want to make promises and I emphatically agreed that I don't want them to make promises. That was part of the problem last time: it was part of the reason I got so hurt and I think that the pressure of those promises was part of the reason they just disappeared. I do however want to know their desires and whatever factors they are aware of that influence the experience of those desires (so I said this).

They asked me if I consider them trustworthy and I said I trust them not to intentionally hurt me, and to try to avoid hurting me by anything I specifically mention as hurtful but I don't trust them to know what is hurtful and not do it without me mentioning. I didn't mention it at the time because it didn't occur to me but I also don't trust them not to cut contact, which is something I find hurtful and I know they are aware of that.

They asked if I think they are a reliable source on their own self and I said no. I think to be that, one has to practice self-awareness daily and when you are in crisis, many times you cannot be self-aware: for survival you have to shut down to your own thoughts and feelings. And I think they have been in crisis as long as I have known them. They were unsurprised that I said no, but taken aback by my reasoning as they hadn't thought of themselves as in crisis but on reflecting, think that that is probably true.

We talked a lot about managing the impulse to give the people we love whatever we think they want, even to a damaging extent. I touched on How Loss of Alone Time, Constant Caretaking, & Medication Stigma Almost Killed Me and how constant caretaking without sufficient rest is damaging for caretaker, caretaken, & the relationship... "it is ultimately damaging for the person who is being taken care of. Coming to depend on someone for your needs and then having that ripped suddenly away when they run out of ability is profoundly destabilizing and terrifying, and it is inevitable because no one has infinite energy or the ability to give endlessly without being nourished enough to refill. If you love the person you're caretaking and you want to help them the most you can, you MUST take care of yourself. Otherwise you are setting them up for a really, really awful crash (and setting yourself up for the same)."

They talked about how they felt that part of the problem last time for them was getting distracted with sex, and I couldn't relate because I know I wouldn't have wanted sex if I didn't feel emotionally connected, but I understood that they probably had a different experience. I told them that I wanted sex and romance with them but that I could turn those desires off if they wanted, and they said no. We talked around it for a bit and I felt like they were hinting at wanting a nonsexual relationship but weren't admitting it even to themself, but the more we talked about it the more I felt like that was the case. So I told them that I wanted to be romantic but not sexual with them at least for a while -- if they liked that idea -- and they enthusiastically said yes.

Later we talked about it more and they clarified that they do in fact want to be nonsexual with me (I was relieved for them to be direct with me) and they also want to be romantic. I do think it would be a good idea to keep sex off the table for a while because sex tends to make me impatient but I'm a bit concerned over definitions because the line between sex and romance gets muddy for me. Especially when it comes to kissing, as I can and have had orgasms purely from kisses. To maintain a non-sexual demeanor will require putting some really strict limits on romantic stuff. It's easy to do when the other person doesn't want sex because then I just don't want it. It's much MUCH more difficult when the person is ambivalent.

Then this past weekend Quinn hosted hearts and crafts and Evelyn attended. I felt as awkward as an eel on land, but later I realized that a lot of that was fear that Quinn wouldn't want to be my friend anymore if Evelyn and I were dating. But Quinn felt, if anything different, more warm and friendly than before. Hearts and crafts is so important to me and I feel really protective of it. I want everyone to stay feeling wanted and belonging (which I hope they feel now) and so I'm definitely not ready to introduce any new people to it. I sent this to Evelyn:

btw, you had mentioned wanting to attend more hearts and crafts, and I said I need to check with people which is true but is not the first step. Right now I feel wary of how things may develop or falter between us, and I'm very protective of hearts n crafts. I'd say it's my second most important relationship right now, after Topaz. So I need to feel like I can depend on the me-you connection before I am comfortable asking for everyone to expand the group. I'm fine with you attending whenever Quinn hosts but other than that I want to wait, because the idea of us-ness crumbling and that poisoning h&c is horrible. Does all that make sense? I am worried that this will hurt your feelings but I want to be totally honest and open with you.

They responded saying, in gist, that they understand and support my choice, and I thanked them and added that I do very much want them to be part of it, but I can't risk hurting my people by proxy again. In the past I have encouraged my friends to invest in people and then had to watch them suffer when the people I vouched for hurt them. Before I even passively encourage people to invest in someone now, I need to ask myself if I have proof that this person is more likely to be net-positive for my friends rather than net-negative. And if I have no proof I have to wait.

It is EXTREMELY weird to be the more-cautious one for once. I'm always jumping in the dark water and THEN checking for leeches but this time I'm doing a careful sweep with one limb and inspecting it as I move from spot to spot.

What are the parts of your identity that you have labels for? (list and then define)

This got so long I had to turn it into multiple posts. I have split it into what I think of as the 5 parts of a person: body, mind, soul, heart, spirit. This post is about the body and mind parts.

External labels which affect my daily life (body):

white, non-disabled, woman-read, cisgender passing, young-passing.

These are not self-labels but they are part of my identity because I am seen this way and treated this way. In the case of whiteness, non-disabled-ness, and cis-passing, this gives me countless advantages and it is my responsibility to question and dismantle those advantages, and to share the resources that come to me through them. In the case of being read as a woman, this is usually negative, except in cases where my whiteness combines with it to act as a protection.

In the case of appearing young, this can have a negative effect of people being inclined not to take me seriously, but my forceful speech patterns usually disrupt that. It can also have a positive effect of people thinking of me as a desirable person, which I only realize when I lose that effect because people learn my real age and suddenly distance themselves and do not pursue friendship or romance with me. That's depressing, through at the same time I don't mind because I'd rather they out themselves as ageist before I invest.


Differences from compulsory identity (mind):
trans, agender, neurodivergent, fat (and proud) demisexual, queer. These are ways that I exist which average people react to with embarrassment and many people react with punishment. It is not acceptable to be these things and people feel the need to avoid or ignore them if they're trying to be polite, or scold and convert me if they don't care about polite. The overwhelming message I get about these parts of my self is that they are shameful and abnormal. My identity is not a fart and it is not polite to ignore it. It's mean. If you are scared of saying the wrong thing, do your homework! there is enough on the internet to easily avoid the worst mistakes.

trans

I identify as trans because I reject the gender I was assigned at birth. I am "on the other side" after having claimed my genderfree identity. I used to worry that I didn't "count" because I didn't want surgery, but now I know that's some binary bullshit. I know that I would have rejected gender sooner and more forcefully if I had been assigned male, cause that is associated with toxic masculinity and I want even less to do with that than with the fluffy meaninglessness that is toxic femininity. I have ejected the gender binary from my identity and that makes me trans. I am trans no matter what body I'm in. I do feel some dysphoria but that is not a necessary part of being trans.

agender/genderfree

I do not have a gender. This means I am not okay with you assuming anything gender-related based on the way I dress, look, sound, or act. Nothing about me is masculine or feminine, ever, and nothing about me is ever "presenting" a gender. Use gender-neutral pronouns when referencing me.

neurodivergent

I have ADHD, CAPD, profound memory issues, prosopagnosia, aphantasia, social anxiety, intermittent depression / seasonally-affective depression, and sensory sensitivity. I think differently than most people, I live with cognitive and emotional variances, and I experience speech, sound, and touch very differently than most people. in-depth explanation of my neurodivergence

fat & proud

This is a very important part of my identity, because I'm not just okay with my body -- I celebrate it. I will fight for my right to be fat. I identify with my fatness and even when I was small, I thought of myself as a fat person because I have always had a pokey belly. I was mocked and harrassed for my fatness starting when I was a preteen and lasting until after high school, when I began growing in size again.

I spent several years coming to love the various aspects of my body and now, honestly I would not trade this plush comfy body for a slender one if you paid me. Hugging me is amazing, because I'm so soft and supple. I fuckin love my sweet smushy curves. I can sometimes see people react to my unselfconscious easy fatness by becoming more comfortable in their own fatness, and I love that!

demisexual & erotic mirror

I am demisexual: I don't experience sexual attraction unless I choose to, and I don't choose to unless I am already in a romantic relationship and the other person has told me that they would like to have sex with me. More explanation: How sexual attraction works in me as a demisexual person & why what makes sex worth the effort as a demisexual person / sexual vs sensual touch / kissing. I am also an erotic mirror: I do not have intrinsic desire for any role in sex. I also do not experience romantic attraction unless I choose to but I can fall in love in a non-romantic way.

queer/bisexual/pansexual

These are all somewhat true as long as you assume the modern definition of bisexual which is "attracted to my own gender and to other genders" or in my case "attracted to genderfree people as well as gendered people." I am demisexual but the way I have sex is 100% queered, and I don't consider myself less queer than someone who is allosexual (allosexual means not-at-all-asexual). For me, sexual identity is more about how one makes sexual decisions than it is about who one has sex with. A binary cis man & woman who have sex where penetration is never assumed or centered is more queer to me than a binary cis pair of women who always assign leader/follower roles in their sex and assume if there is no penetration then it is "just foreplay." (gross)

I went to the doctor today about a lump on my genitals. The good news: it's not cancer. The bad news: it's HPV.

I only this year learned about HPV. I knew it existed before, but I thought it was checked for on the standard set of STI tests. Nope. There are 100+ strains of HPV, so there is no test to prove someone does NOT have HPV (as they'd have to test for all strains), and most people who have it don't have symptoms. Also, it is spread through skin-to-skin contact, so even using barriers and taking caution with sexual fluids won't prevent catching it (though it will reduce the likelihood of course). "HPV is so common that most sexually-active men and women will get at least one type of HPV at some point in their lives." Oh, and the strains that can cause cancer and other serious problems do NOT cause visible symptoms.

So, I could have gotten this from any of my partners, or I might have contracted it as a child enduring sexual abuse and just never had symptoms until now (when my immune system is low from extreme & prolonged stress). I feel incredibly unlucky. Most people with herpes don't have symptoms and most people with HPV don't have symptoms, but I got both. And all the people out there with HPV and no symptoms don't have to deal with stigma. It's really fucking unfair that people are going to think of me as undesirable because I'm one of the few that got visible symptoms, noticed them, had them checked, and will be honest about it.

It wasn't too hard to find out the best way to manage herpes: if you're not having an active outbreak, infection is unlikely if you use barriers and take caution not to swap fluids. I can't find a good source on the best way to avoid transmitting HPV because everything I find is like "spread by skin-to-skin contact" with no specifics and I'm pretty sure that there is risky contact and non-risky contact but there is no fucking information. I imagine the only skin that is likely to spread genital HPV is on your crotch and thighs. HPV doesn't seem to have a outbreak-vs-non-outbreak difference. So I suppose the new precaution I have to add is to not let people touch my thighs without having the STI conversation.

Six years ago when I got herpes and posted about it someone who was 'concerned' about me (ha) told me I should never have sex again. Now that I have another fucking STI, I'm well and truly a pariah. Not that it would be terrible for me to never use my physical genitals in sex again. They're not that important to me. But they tend to be important to other people. And the idea that people would rule me out as a romantic partner because of STIs... I just find that so gross and I wish I didn't have to think about it. It's upsetting even if I wouldn't want to be romantic with them anyway.

So I had a date with Evelyn on Saturday that was surprising, nourishing, exciting, scary, and overall quite magical. Part of our time will be described in my my sextalk filter, but this whole experience is so long and complex that I decided it was fine to put it in two separate posts.

( seeing their house, meeting their cat )

Evelyn asked me about my life and I talked about frustrations with biofamily, then asked about their life. They didn't know how to answer at first and said that they have been feeling a particular kind of anxious that means they are avoiding something but don't know what it is (I do the same thing) and as they talked around it, the thing that had been weighing on them came up. They looked really sad and I asked if I could lay next to them -- they said yes so I climbed next to them on the couch and pulled them into my arms.

They talked about the thing that was making them so sad and cried, and apologized and said they felt bad for imposing their vulnerability on me. That made me laugh because it is so the opposite of my experience, and they said "I know, I know" when I laughed because they know that I feel it as a gift and not an imposition but still have the guilty response. We cuddled that way and I listened while they talked about it until their housemate arrived home, and then we went upstairs to their room.

We talked a lot for a while, about all kinds of things. I talked about my philosophical stance as an idealist and how I see 'objective' reality as an illusion, that to me all minds contribute a nearly-invisible layer of reality and 'objective' reality is merely the conglomeration of all that, a sort of 'average.' That the more complex a thing is, the easier it is to change the reality of it through thought due to a domino effect. I mentioned my experience of my self as five parts and how my non-physical parts are capable of shapeshifting. I can't remember all we talked about but it was really interesting.

They wanted to be spooned several times, so I asked them what being spooned meant to them and they talked about it: being small, being held. As they talked about it I realized that I do like being spooned also, but I like spooning someone else more. I like that feeling of enveloping someone. They also talked about how they find themselves more and more attracted to traits commonly referred to as masculine. I listened and didn't say much as they seemed to be working out a self-perception, but I think in me they're attracted to my assertiveness and power (which I do not consider masculine, as nothing about me is gendered).

I asked for coffee so Evelyn made french press and we sat in the living room to drink it. Demeter came to sit with us and Evelyn scooped them up and cuddled them, telling me how Demeter had helped them through the emotionally difficult times they've had lately. Evelyn said they had never connected with a cat before (partly due to allergies) and had considered themself a dog person, but that Demeter had changed that. Evelyn blamed the effect on toxoplasmosis, which I like as a general theory but in this case I think it is more about Demeter's personality; they seem very nurturing and sensitive.

We talked about the fetishization of coercion/non-consent, and about my insecurities around the fact that people might like someone being careful with consent, but they don't fetishize it, they don't think of it as actually sexy, and how sometimes that really gets to me. I can't NOT be careful about consent but I don't want to be considered unsexy because I check in and don't do things without discussing it beforehand. They told me that they find it sexy. I think still, not in the way that I mean, but I appreciated them saying that.

( kissing them is wonderful )

( discussing future plans )

They are outrageously beautiful and sexy to me and I remarked on this several times, to which they responded with hiding their face and laughing in seeming disbelief (with maybe/hopefully some happiness to it). I told them that they will eventually get used to it because I will do it a lot! I feel very strongly about them and so I notice every gorgeous aspect, and they have several aspects that I find aesthetically pleasing as well.

One feature I find sooo aesthetically pleasing is their lower eyelid shape -- their lower lid comes part-way up the curve of the eye, enough that there is a crease under the eye. I don't know why I find this so beautiful but I do! (Angelina Jolie has lower eyelids like that, which is one of the reasons I find them so aesthetically pleasing) Evelyn also has very mobile eyebrows, lips that are very sharply defined, a full lower lip, and very pronounced smile lines as well as dimples! all of which I adore because it makes the face seem more expressive to me. And their face is very expressive overall, and their eye color is gorgeous, and their smile is so radiant! I am more than a little smitten.

I don't call myself a switch, because 1) that implies a binary where I choose to either be one or the other but I can't merge them, which is not true of my experience, and 2) other people who identify as switches usually do so because they have active, intrinsic desire to be submissive as well as active, intrinsic desire to be dominant. I don't have either of these things.

I call myself an erotic mirror because my access to the erotic is reflective. I don't have much intrinsic desire for sex in general (I am demisexual) and I have zero intrinsic desire for roles in sex. I don't daydream about particular kinds of sex or power play, for instance. I find the idea of imagining sex or power play to be very boring; when I masturbate, it is usually while paying attention to music or just meditating. I don't masturbate out of desire for sex; I do it as a gift to my body, or because I want menstrual cramps to go away, or to be able to fall asleep quickly, or because I want to meditate and can't focus enough without involving my body.

Rather than from within me, my sexual desire comes from an interaction with a person where they have a particular desire and my desire mirrors that: they want to submit and thus I want to make them submit, or they want to take charge and thus I want to allow them (though that is rare because I dislike how most people try to take charge: a person has to have an innate connection with their primal self for that to be appealing). Or if they want me to give them a particular sensation, or want to give me a sensation, then I want to do that too (unless receiving the sensation is actively unpleasant: if I am neutral on it and they want it, then I want it). If they have no particular shape of desire, then my desire is somewhat random -- whatever memory comes up of an occasion that was particularly emotionally intense is what I will want to do.

The only things I really love for their own sake are biting, kissing, and energy play. Even if the other person doesn't have an active desire for these things but is like "they're okay, I like them a little" I will want to do them. Not as much, but at least a little bit. Whereas with other things like genital touch or bondage, if the person feels only mild desire, I won't want to do them any more. I only want those things if the other person is really into it.

This is also why I think there is very little that someone could want me to do to them that I wouldn't want to do. Unless it violated one of my core values or risked serious bodily harm, I would probably be down.

I think I have had sex with one person who was also an erotic mirror, and our sex was so intensely connected that sometimes I wasn't sure which limbs were mine. It was transcendent: the emotional equivalent of two mirrors facing, endless recursion. I'd love to know more people who are erotic mirrors.

I used to wonder if I could still call myself polyamorous if I was dating one or zero people. Answer: yes, because polyamory is about how I do ALL of my relationships, not just about what set of rules I put on my romantic relationships.

For me, polyamory is not about what I DO want so much as it is about what I DON'T want. I don't want to have to put people in roles or privilege my sexual relationship over my friendships in order to make one person feel loved and safe. I don't want to have to limit all my connections so that they don't accidentally develop romantic aspects. I don't want to have to define some cuddles as platonic and others as romantic. I don't want to spend so much time and energy on one person that I cannot imagine my life without them and my identity becomes intermingled with our relationship, thus making it impossible to really know if I even want to be in it, or to know who I am without their influence. I don't want them to get that dependent on me either. I want to feel like my connections to others can be changed at any point by either person without anyone suffering damage (pain maybe, but not damage).

For me, polyamory is not about having multiple partners, it's about refusing artificial limits. My polyamory is practiced just as much when I am single or dating one person. It's easier and more fun when I am dating more than one person! but it isn't any less of a part of who I am.

So Topaz and I are finished with the break, and back to being romantic. I think I have posted all the things I learned from it; quite a lot really. We have decided to put off sex a while longer. They said their reasons aren't there any more, but over the past week I realized that it might be a good idea for me. I realized that if we start having sex again before I have active practice with asserting my needs, then I may subvert my needs out of fear that being assertive may decrease my chances of having sex. Sex is usually not that big a miss for me but it has been a very long time, relatively speaking, and sex is the easiest way of being fully, passionately present and I really miss that sense of passionate presence. But I would like to practice being fully, passionately present in non-sexual ways, and this will be motivation for that practice.

Seeing Topaz again (on Monday) was a relief, but also didn't feel fully real. That day they got some deeply tragic news, so they were really sad. They were worried that I wouldn't want to see them but of course I did, I would always want to be there for them on such a day. We had really good, connected time despite the sad.

I had forgotten what kissing was like (when I say I have an awful memory I am not kidding). I was swept away, kissing them. I got images in my mind from the sensation and the emotion -- flowing brown watercolored silk with deep red, and brass roses with swirly flame-burnished colors at one point, and at another a sense of a green lush garden in Wonderland, with symbols floating and characters wandering. I don't know why I was getting visuals but I really love it and hope it continues. I was very wrapped up in the moment. I also forgot that I shudder with pleasure from kissing -- I mean, I forgot enough to be surprised, and then was surprised that I was surprised because it is something I would think I would be thoroughly aware of by now. I always feel just a little self-conscious about it, because even though it is involuntary I feel worried after that the person may think I'm 'being dramatic' or something.

I love kissing so much. My favorite kind of kiss is pressing lips softly together, with mouths open just enough for tongues to be able to caress each other -- maybe half an inch. I don't like it when people have their teeth together or when they have their mouth wide open. I like tongues to be relaxed, touching each other and lips and teeth, reaching at least to just inside the other person's mouth. I don't like it when I have to do all the reaching in, and I don't like it when people stick their tongue in my mouth like they're being rude to the back of my throat. And people have to be willing to suck their own tongue and swallow occasionally (which always is an awkward second) so that there isn't too much saliva. I like some closed-mouth kissing -- I like sucking on someone's lower lip and caressing their lips with the tip of my tongue, and I consider it the height of erotic to press the tip of my tongue in between someone's almost-but-not-quite-closed lips. And I like gently sliding my lips along their lips, just a little bit, and vice versa. I like very VERY gentle, broad lip biting (my lips split easily so it must be gentle, and it must be a large section not a tiny piece of my lip). I like to touch peoples' face when I kiss them and vice versa. I like to touch someone's lips with my fingers before kissing them, and sometimes during (just touching the corner of their mouth).

I don't get romantic crushes on people before I know if it is possible for them to feel the same way. queerbychoice mentioned that this must make it practically impossible to connect if they're similar to me, and I just today realized how it still has managed to happen. I fall in love in a platonic way first, and then fall in romantic love because they usually interpret that as romantic love and 'reciprocate,' which to me initiates romantic love.

Falling in love in a platonic way looks like being fascinated with the person, enjoying everything I learn about them, craving to know more and be closer. Feeling adoring of their way of thinking and their idiosyncrasies. When I feel platonically in love, I want to celebrate their uniqueness, to brag about how amazing they are, to share my friends and my life, to give to them with my actions and (if they are someone I can predict) things I make or find that remind me of them.

I was feeling fatalistic about romantic potential before this realization, because of my need for mutuality. But I know of at least four people I could conceivably fall in platonic love with, and maybe they might fall romantically for me. I can't really imagine falling platonically in love with someone and them in romantic love for me and then me NOT falling romantically for them. I think the only thing between platonically in love and romantically in love is me deciding to add romance. Which I would only not do if they weren't into it or if it would hurt too much due to circumstances or if there was non-chosen power dynamic (if I was their boss or something like that).

I didn't realize it, but it has been bugging me for MONTHS that I didn't understand how falling in love worked for me, because this hasn't always been the case but looking back I just couldn't understand how I ended up falling for people.

I yearn for someone to crave me. To want to put their hands on me and when they touch my skin, to forget themselves just a little and dig in with their fingertips because it feels so fucking good to have that contact. I want someone to intend just to give me a back pet in passing but then feel such magnetic pull that they stop, slide their hands around my waist, stroke my hips and grip them, kiss my shoulder, nuzzle my neck, wrap their arms around me, and bite me. I want someone to kiss me and get lost in it, forget everything else and revel in the sensation of my lips and tongue. I want someone to want to give me every pleasurable sensation, and to want to receive from me every pleasurable sensation. I want someone to want to be immersed in my energy, to want to feel my presence permeating theirs. I want someone to crave my hands on them and my lips on theirs and my body against theirs. I want them to want me to sink my teeth into them, to dig my claws into them. I want them to want to (for a short time) take over my self completely, and to want the inverse. I want them to want blending of energy within sex to the point that we're not sure which limb belongs to who, and I want them to be able to be present enough for that to be possible. I want them to want all of me, all of me, all of me, and I want them to want to share all of them, all. I want to intertwine with them and feel our breaths and our frequencies sync up.

All of this within the context of a mutually in-love relationship, not with any random person. I don't think I could want this with someone I wasn't in love with. I try imagining this with someone I am not currently in love with and my mind balks and throws darts at me. The feeling, if I am not in love, is that same jolt of badness that happens when I am touched with sexual intentions when I haven't had enough platonic loving touch. It's too shocking and intense to be enjoyable; the difference between sliding into a cool pool on a hot day or getting thrown into a cold pool on a freezing day.

I fall in love really easily, or at least I used to. I feel worried that that part of me is damaged with too many almosts that scalded me. I'm worried I've lost the knack of it. Strange I guess. I'm really afraid to hope.

If I can't fall in love again, if I've gotten too picky or too scared just too fuckin damaged, then I can't imagine wanting sex with other people any more. And I feel like there are so many things I barely got to try. The more I think about the idea of casual sex the more I hate it. I think it would make me feel nothing but a giant sense of loss and lack.

I LOATHE the idea of a 'honeymoon phase' or 'new relationship energy' (NRE). I hate it like I hate the idea of men being less emotional than women (which, in case you didn't know, is empirically untrue). It implies a lie. It is true that some relationships are only good for the first 1-2 years. What is false is the idea that this shift is naturally occurring or inevitable. It is NOT AT ALL 'natural' to stop being excited about your lover. It's a sign that one or both of you need to develop your intimacy skills and/or personhood (or it may be a symptom of general lack of nourishment, or lack of common ground). The only thing that you have at the beginning that you can't have forever is novelty. If you crave novelty, just call it novelty. Stop acting like it is a part of every relationship or that every relationship has a 'honeymoon' and 'post-honeymoon' stage.

Reality can't dull anything that is real. I realized today that probably some people begin relationships with a fantasy of perfection. Starting out with fantasies and trying to see how much of each others' fantasy you can fulfill is not remotely appealing to me. I prefer to start out with nothing but questions and figure out what potential currently exists based on who each person is now (not who they want to be, not who the other person imagines them to one day be). Starting out with the idea of 'perfect' and working backwards to 'possible' seems inherently disappointing to me. Of course you're going to lose excitement that way -- but it's a loss of your ability to pretend, not an actual loss of something real. This is why in my relationships, I want to figure out if I have compatible values, goals, skills, and needs with a person BEFORE I invest deeply in them. Otherwise I'm likely to end up putting pressure on them to be what I want and need, and vice versa, and we're both going to end up hungry and drained.

Going back to the idea of NRE -- I don't believe in it. What people call NRE is actually IFE -- intimate focus energy. The giddy, excited, highly-nourished state is not caused by novelty, and does not have to dissipate with time. It gets associated with newness because in the beginning of a relationship there is a lot of fear and anxiety -- fear of losing this person, anxiety about making mistakes, etc -- and that gets channeled into focusing intensely on the other person (Abby coined the term "fear-spark" to describe this). You watch their every move because you're trying to figure out how to interact with them in a safely intimate way, and BECAUSE you're watching their every move, you're enchanted by them. Everyone is amazing if you look closely enough (well, everyone who isn't evil). Then, when you know them well enough to feel safely intimate, you stop looking so closely, and you stop noticing their amazingness. You take them for granted, because you can. And you call that the end of NRE and assume it is a natural phase of relationships. It's common, but it is NOT inevitable and it is NOT biological.

Last Sunday I started to feel a bit off, and by Monday night I was sure -- I was having my second-ever genital herpes outbreak. I went to the clinic on Tuesday and got meds, and honestly while it was somewhat uncomfortable it wasn't terrible and as long as I was sitting/lying still, I didn't feel it at all. But the emotional impact was intense, because I had been unsure which type of herpes I had. See, I contracted it from someone with a cold sore going down on me, meaning it was type 1 which prefers to live in the mouth: so it could be that I would never have a genital outbreak but might have oral outbreaks. For 5 years I had no outbreaks, and I kinda got my hopes up. I communicated clearly with lovers about it and took precautions as if it were genital herpes, but I think I kinda expected it to not be. Turns out I'm not THAT lucky, though 5 years between the first two outbreaks is pretty good.

I started feeling really shitty about myself and my lack of desirability. I was texting with Allison and told them what was happening and that the actual physical part was no big deal, but the stigma was making me feel pretty intensely sad. Like I said to Allison, this outbreak is no worse than a bad acne outbreak (when you first get a bump it feels like one of those achy pimples). Most people who have herpes -- 80% -- don't even know because they don't have symptoms. People who do get outbreaks usually only get a few in their lifetime, and they decrease in frequency and intensity. It doesn't damage your system. Unless you or someone you have sex with is immuno-compromised, there is no logical reason to fear herpes, except of course for the stigma.

Interestingly, the next day my timehop showed me an article I had linked a few years before -- "The Perks of Herpes." I realized I have to come out all over again because most of the people who know me didn't know me then. I've always been out about it because unlike the author of that article, I want people to know WAY before genital contact happens. I don't think it is good consent to wait until sex is about to happen, because then there is pressure to decide on the spot and most people are not well-educated enough to do that. Most people would need to do some research in order to have a decision they are confident in. And I also just don't want to deal with the heartbreak of falling for someone and then having them be like "if your genitals might be untouchable sometimes that's gross and I don't want to be romantic with you." I guess if I fell for someone asexual I might not tell them because it really wouldn't matter.

I'm still feeling really shitty about it. I don't want people to love me in spite of a fact of my body. I don't want all potential lovers to be considering a thing that I feel is largely irrelevant. I don't have a choice though, because only informed consent is consent.

So, yeah. This came on the heels of a realization that I am older than most of the people I know and age is a factor in most people's attraction. And of course I have a significant amount of fat and that is also a factor. So I really feel intensely undesirable. I know these things will eventually blend into the background of my life again and not make me feel like a repulsive monster, but right now it's pretty terrible.

Feeling/being in love, for me, is not sexual at all, nor is it related to looks, nor can it be sparked by social scripts. I cannot fall in love at first sight if the person isn't doing or saying anything.  I cannot fall in love from someone buying me things or taking me to fun places or giving me compliments or making me laugh or sharing my hobbies or making me feel like the center of their world.

What makes me fall in love? Feeling a mutual excitement at the understanding and growth we are creating together. Feeling that they are as excited about my ideas and experiences as they are their own. Feeling them be fully present with me, especially when it's because they are so engaged with my presence that other things fade out (not including chronic pain/depression/etc).  Feeling a strong desire coming from them to know me balanced by a strong desire from them to be known coupled with a strong self-awareness; especially when they take opportunities to self-examine in front of me, without forgetting me. Feeling a vibrant connate resonance about them enacting/embodying one or especially more of my core values: justice, respect, compassion/connection, wonder/reverence, curiosity, transparency/openness, honesty, thoroughness, creativity, imperfect action, growth/change.  This can happen in so many ways. Examples: they describe how they engage in justice work, they show respect to someone who usually doesn't get it (like a child), they describe a connection they have, they respond to an expression of wonder with an equal level of enthusiasm, they ask prying questions or wonder aloud about something your average person takes  for granted, they share something vulnerable and self-aware, they tell the truth when it makes them uncomfortable, they make sure to be complete when doing a task, they customize items they use daily, they take action when it is needed even though they are clumsy at it, they describe things they've learned and how they've applied them to their life... Many many possibilities here. 

Feeling in love can also be squelched by violating one of my core values. If you are unwilling to devote spare resources to creating justice, show lack of consideration for how you affect others, show apathy to suffering, react to wonder with dismissiveness or indifference, don't question yourself, respond to questions without thought or depth, lie, are sloppy in tasks done for others, act like skilled technique is the key to art, refuse to take a helpful action because it's not the perfect solution, or think that staying the same is good, any feelings of in-love I have for you will be diminished.  That also has many possibilities. Often I will feel a swell of in-love for someone and then five minutes later that will be burst; for instance I'll notice their carefully and meaningfully decorated music case and feel very in-love, and then they'll talk about all these 'poser' musicians who don't do [some specific technique] and that feeling will be completely dissolved.

I also can feel in love without it being a constant state: I have felt in love with people for a moment or a day, or constantly over a period of years.  I often feel in-love with people, but I don't describe it as 'being' in love unless it is mutual and consistent, something that I see continuing indefinitely.  Usually it goes from a feeling of in-love-ness to actually being in love when we deliberately create the space for that, or when the space is accidentally created through just spending a lot of time together, or when they express the same feeling and a desire to explore/deepen that feeling.

When I am in love with someone as a state of being, I feel a continuous strong desire to be close to them. I feel like I want to know every meaningful thing that goes on in their lives, I want bring them joy, I want to help them grow, and I get easily overwhelmed with how wonderful they are and want to talk about it all the time. I want to kiss them, hug them, and touch them in ways that feel good to them. I think about them often and miss them when we have not connected in an unusually long time (for us: this can be a few hours or a few weeks). I want to give them presents if I find things they would like. I want to help them with tasks that they find difficult or stressful. I want to share meaningful places, art, and media.

The main reason I consider myself demisexual is that the actual 'sex' part of sex doesn't interest me. It's the things that I get during sex other than physical stimulation that make sex valuable to me. Things that make sex worth it for me are...

1) energy play that is easier and more intense because my body is revved up (exercise or roughhousing play works for this too, or some drugs I'm sure).
2) the intimacy of having someone watch my body and listen to my sounds when I am totally uninhibited. (being very drunk and dancing would provide this too, but is more work and expense).
3) the emotional high that my allosexual partners get from sex which makes them more relaxed and affectionate, sometimes for days after.
4) learning about someone in a wordless way through their reactions and desires.
5) in-depth discussions of feelings. I don't get much out of sex despite the above unless we talk out the experience afterward. This has been a difficulty for me because frankly most people are really bad at talking about sex and not great at talking about their feelings either, but I've had the occasional lover who was naturally good at it and others deliberately built their skills.

I don't experience any particular touch as always sexual, not giving or receiving. Nor do I experience any touch as inherently non-sexual. For me, sex is about intention more than anything else. I can't stand for my non-sexually-meant touch to be taken as sexual by someone else. Even if I am in a sexual relationship with them and often enjoy sex with them, if I am not wanting and intending sex, I don't want my touch to be taken that way. Along the same lines, I can often miss "I wanna have sex" signals because I don't apply sexual thought to touch unless that is invited. Someone once literally put their face in between my breasts and I did not interpret this as an expression of sexual interest (later they told me that it was and I realized that most people would probably have taken it that way).

I sometimes enjoy giving/receiving touch that would usually be sexual as purely sensual instead. Touch with that level of intimacy minus the urgency of sex makes for the most tender touch I can imagine. But then, I am not sure this translates for other people because my body still responds in a sexual way eventually. It just feels completely different and makes me almost want to cry (not in a sad way, but like I'd cry at a particularly beautiful piece of music). I've experienced this with Topaz, Kylei, and (to a much lesser extent) my ex-spouse.

I do like the physical sensation of touching other people's genitals. If not for all the mental associations, I would probably like to touch them often in non-sexual ways. That is, not for sexual pleasure but because they feel nice, warm and soft and close. I could cup my hand around them and have it held in place by their thighs which would feel very intimate (whether they were clothed or not). If not for people being ticklish or otherwise uncomfortable with the idea, I'd probably enjoy putting my hands in people's armpits for the same reason.

( kissing )

A few weeks ago I was hanging out with Heather and they offered to do a rune reading for me. I was curious and agreed, and they told me to think of a question and then draw three runes. I did, and then they interpreted them for me. The first they said was about worth, perhaps material worth or self-worth. The second they said was about mysteries or magic, and that they associate it particularly with the vagina. The third was about success after a period of time (with nuances I have forgotten). They said that the first one is the source of the problem, the second is the solution, and the third is what will happen if you follow the solution. So then I told them that I had asked "how will I find my next romantic relationship?" and asked them to interpret again in light of that.

They then looked at the runes and laughed and said that the strongest impression they got was that I was asking the wrong question. I said that what I had sensed as they explained the first time was that my problem was in not having the resources as well as not believing in my worth, really. I felt the solution I was being told was to invest in my own magic, and that it would take time. Heather said that felt right. So I was like, HOW do I do that? And Heather told me to draw three more.

The first Heather interpreted as "you know what to do but you're resisting." They said I'm holding to a set of patterns that doesn't fit. Also, when this is near the next rune I pulled, it means ask for advice. The next one means prepare for harvest, implying a slow process. The third is firm indication that it is not time for new starts, that things are outside your control. Then I drew one more, don't remember why, and that one was "Isa" which means delay, wait for a better time.

This last set I felt was saying wait, wait, also wait some more, and let it come to you. And really, I feel I have learned that people who come to me end up being the ones who have strong positive impact, and when I chase people I just end up with wasted energy. Not everyone who comes to me is good for me, but everyone who is good for me has come to me. I know what actually works for me is to just focus on being as true to myself as possible, and staying open to people who reach out. I can't find them, I can only draw them.

Yet I was trying to find them because dammit, I thought I was ready. But also I was pushing myself because the longer I go dating just one person, the more I feel judged and rejected by poly people, and I wanted to escape that. I also just miss the kind of awareness that I only have when in multiple romantic relationships. But really, while I might be emotionally ready in one sense because I'm no longer dealing with squelching depression, I am overwhelmed with the multiplicity of things demanding my attention and adding another, no matter how lovely, would probably be a terrible idea. While I was disappointed, I was also relieved, and realized I had been putting a lot of pressure on myself and feeling bad because my efforts were failing and what if I never find anyone new who is awesome and why doesn't anyone want to date me etc.

Also, the fact that one of them suggested asking for advice made a lot of sense to me, because I am terrible at differentiating between potential and actuality and making decisions based on now. For instance, if a person is really amazing, but is so busy that we never see each other, I have a hard time deciding to not invest emotionally now. Or if a person really wants to build the skills I value, but isn't actually doing it or is doing it so slowly that it will be years before they have the skills that nourish me, I have a hard time moving on, or putting it on low priority. Heather and Topaz are both very good at evaluating those sorts of situations, and I think that if I had asked them for advice over recent years I would have saved myself a lot of unproductive energy drain.

This was definitely the most useful divination I've ever experienced. I felt a positive shift in myself after. I felt affirmed in the fact that I have been investing more in my own magic these past 3 months than I ever had in my life before. I feel comforted that I'm not lacking in new romance because there is something lacking in me. I feel inexplicably reassured that there are people who I could feel deep connection with who I have yet to meet. And I feel much better about the fact that I can't find people and have to wait for them to find me. I will still make small overtures when they feel right, but I'm not going to try to do "what everyone else does." And the energy that I was spending on trying to meet new people I am instead going to spend on my current friends.

A friend was writing about the point of friendship, and the substance of closeness, and it made me reflect.

For me, the main point of friendship is to understand people. I get a lot out of learning people, and just as much out of them learning me. It's almost a sensual pleasure, like someone lovingly petting my brain (when they learn me), or wandering through someone else's garden exploring and smelling and seeing and tasting (when I learn them). So each interaction is its own little world, and has its own purpose for existence. In this way I never regret investing in anyone, even if they turn cruel and hurt me on purpose, or even if I never meet them again; those experiences still exist and they formed pathways in my mind that cannot be undone.

I've been thinking about closeness as it relates to time and distance. Some people I can talk to sporadically with gaps of months even, but always feel at a similar level of closeness with. But with others, I do not feel close at all if we don't see each other regularly and talk often. On reflection, I have realized that when I feel closeness despite time lapse and distance is when I have a connection with someone who is in a stable place in their lives -- when we come back together after a time apart, there have been events that passed, but the person is on the same basic trajectory, and I still know their wavelengths enough to harmonize with them. When the person is in a period of great upheaval, or when they have a fairly chaotic trajectory, I feel distant from them very fast, and it feels difficult to find a harmonizing wavelength when we reconnect. I feel a great loss at this, because of all the harmonizing that could have happened, and didn't, and can't ever come back. I also feel fear, because what if we no longer can harmonize at all because we have become too different? So far that fear has never come true, but it remains.

Also, when I get used to being aware of all the small fluctuations in someone's wavelength and then I miss a bunch (such as when I connect with someone every day for a month and then not at all for a week), I feel quite jarred when they are not where I expect them to be the next time we connect. I then have a similar feeling to when I've missed greater changes, because the little ones became important to my life. If this happens over and over, I stop wanting to be close in a daily or continuous way because that jarring feeling is really upsetting, and I begin to dread it.

Relatedly, this has been the pattern at the end of several of my romantic relationships. Daily/continuous closeness is a vital part of romantic feeling for me, and lack of that means that I might feel occasional bursts of romantic love, but it's not the same as being in love. Continuous closeness isn't the only thing needed for me to feel romantic love but it is an essential part. I need that harmonizing feeling to sustain my romance. I need to not dread the 'drop' and I need to not have to spend so much energy getting back in sync.

What else do I need to feel romantic love? 1) mutual desire/effort for closeness and 2) kisses and/or effusive honest verbal expressions of love and 3) the choice to feel it (which depends on a kind of certainty I can't explain). I had a very romantic friendship with Hannah long before we had a sensual/sexual relationship, because sexual desire is a completely separate thing from romantic love, for me. It's basically something I can switch on (initially) for anyone I please, and can almost always switch off for anyone I please. I choose to switch it on when I feel it would make my romantic relationship more intimate and joyous, or when I want to be closer to someone and they aren't skilled at non-sexual intimacy (much less common, but has happened once or twice). I switch it off -- or, more accurately, hold it at the off position -- when sex would possibly cause a painful situation (such as when I was first getting close to Topaz and was sure that ze was not down with dating a poly person).

I'm living monogamously right now: I'm not seeking out any new romantic connections and I'm not open to spontaneous romance/sex with people other than my lover. I still consider myself poly because this is only a temporary situation. I feel very little desire to create new romance right now, but when I do, I will transition my relationship with Topaz. Topaz has said that ze is willing to try it but that ze doesn't think ze will be able to handle it, and I feel like that's true, so I feel that it is likely that when I am actively poly again it will be the end of my romantic relationship with Topaz. And I love sex and kisses with Topaz way more than any others I've had so far, so I'm not giving those up lightly (we have both agreed that when we break up we will still be emotionally intimate and cuddly, so the sex and kisses are all that we intend to change).

It's been weird. I'm not used to having any artificial boundaries in my relationships (that is, boundaries set by something other than the ones directly involved). But the extra energy I have that I might have put into developing a new relationship I am instead putting into developing my friendships, and I am glad to have that as a possibility. I'm also glad to have people who can and will make plans with me in my tiny bit of spare time!

The other night I kissed someone and it blew me away. I've experienced kisses like that with people I was in love with, but never with someone I don't even really know. We kissed and I felt shifted out of time and when we stopped kissing I felt like I was re-entering this reality. And while we were kissing I felt zir feelings and they reflected in me and it built and got more intense and then I slowed it down and stopped because it was about to turn into sex for me and I was in the living room with other people around (who hadn't consented to sharing space with sex). But even though I'm usually nervous and super cautious about first sex, I think if other people hadn't been around I would not have even been connected enough to this reality to think that way. I don't think it would have turned actively stimulative (as in genital touch) but that's not necessary for my sex and I got the strong impression that it wasn't necessary for zirs either. I felt so perfectly in tune and unified. And before we kissed we had both talked about how we didn't want to start anything new, and while I still don't want to start a new romantic relationship right now, I'm incredibly fascinated and curious -- I want to know why it felt like that! I want to know how we connect, if it's just a body connection or if it's more than that. I am a little nervous about the idea of pursuing friendship because I'm concerned that I will start wanting more, but I can deal with that if it happens. And it's not like I have spare time!

Speaking of reality shifts, twice now I've accidentally tripped on stuff that does not cause reality shifts for other people. The experience I had was of a perception shift -- things were happening in dream reality, then as if I were watching a movie completely non-interactive, then as "real" reality, flipping rapidly like tree shadows as you drive by. I was existing in the space between all three, in the cracks of the universe. I could also feel all of my body but it felt alien and so I felt like my brain was lying to me about what was really happening; I felt actively disassociated. The first time was absolutely horrible because I didn't know if I would ever "get back" and I felt like no one could come with me and it was horribly lonely. The second time (I somehow thought the first time was a fluke -- nope!) I had a guide and there were people with me who were very connected with me and I could still feel their presence; it was still scary but I was much more equipped to handle the fear. The fear was about what is real; in dream reality it is okay to do things that in waking reality will hurt people and beings. I feared that I would cause harm to myself or others and I feared that my brain was making up a cover story to hide some horrible experience that "real" me was having. The first time, I happened to sit on a chocolate that then melted onto my leg and I was convinced that everyone was lying to me to make me feel okay about having shat myself. (that fear lasted days and three washes of my robe, which still smelled like chocolate afterward and finally convinced me that it was chocolate -- though I STILL have some doubt)

Those experiences have changed me in a profound way. My concept of reality was never very objective, and now is even more fluid. I have the ability to "shift out" and feel as if I am dreaming, which I think will serve me very well once I learn to use it to handle situations that cause me fear. I feel like I can use this to do serious work with fears I have. Because I think lots of the things I do in dreams I should be able to do in real life, like telling off sexists and racists. And I need to remember that it is okay to get in giant messes and I don't need to be living in constant avoidance of fucking up. I think my fear of physical harm is more than is rational; if my leg breaks I will probably be okay eventually, and if someone assaults me, I will probably live and recover. I cannot live as if one bruise will kill me. I need to take more risks if I want more miracles.

Oh my Godde. Being around Adi is fucking intoxicating -- I was at a group dinner for a friend's birthday and was just sitting next to Adi and talking and by the end of two hours I was half-dancing and I've been hyper for the nearly THREE HOURS since I left. I don't know how I am going to manage between now and 1pm on Saturday (when I see zir next).

Also I'm ridiculously lustyyyyyyyy.

Also I'm pretty fucking excited about the 3-person date we have planned Saturday -- me, Kyle, and Adi :D

Also I can't stop bouncing around.

*flails*

ohmigodde. Long, incredibly intimate, surprisingly connate talks about deities and religion and sex and relationships and gender and race. Incredible kisses that fucking intoxicated me. Close sweet cuddles. So many smiles and so much joy. Also a mark on my shoulder that feels like a living spark. I am so intensely excited about this <3

also I am too exhausted to write more right now.

Today marks Kyle's and my first anniversary <3 I made a mix about our connection -- flowing from Kyle to me and from me to Kyle and twining.

(don't refresh the page before you finish listening, because it will randomize them after the first listen *grr*)

Bel <3s Kyle: 2011 Anniversary (a zip file of all the songs)

( individual downloads (to be added later) & lyrics )

Today marks Kyle's and my first anniversary <3 I made a mix about our connection -- flowing from Kyle to me and from me to Kyle and twining.

(don't refresh the page before you finish listening, because it will randomize them after the first listen *grr*)

Bel <3s Kyle: 2011 Anniversary (a zip file of all the songs)

( individual downloads (to be added later) & lyrics )

Lately I've been craving a female lover. And this weirds me out a lot because usually, I'm attracted first to the person and then to the body regardless of what shape the body may be. Right now I am craving close, intimate touch with a specifically female person (cis or trans, I don't care). And that makes me wonder -- what meaning do I attach to female-bodiedness? What is it? because it's not genital craving; it's not actually things that are exclusive to being female -- but it is physical things that I associate with female-bodiedness. It's soft faces and deliberate movement and rounded breasts and waists that flare to hips. I've recently had dreams about sex with three different female casual friends. The only common thread is that I know them pretty well and am attracted to them as people, but not in a want-to-date or even a want-to-fuck kind of way.

Maybe it's connected to me feeling a need for self-love, or a need to be affirmed as a romantic figure? That last bit sounds odd but I do associate female-female touch as so much more romantic than male-female. (I don't believe this is an inherent thing, but it is my current emotional response to the idea)

All of this is really odd in the context of my relationship with Kyle because we don't relate as male-female, we relate as person-person, in a really deep and profound way. I feel like we've stripped away almost all of the heteronormativity in our sex and our communication. Perhaps not in our romance? hmmm.

Or, a more hopeful and spiritual take on it -- perhaps there is space being created for a person who is soon to enter my life?

Speaking of which, I feel weirdly like I can't have both free-flowing label-less relationships AND deep intense relationships. ( blahdyblahblah )

Lately I've been craving a female lover. And this weirds me out a lot because usually, I'm attracted first to the person and then to the body regardless of what shape the body may be. Right now I am craving close, intimate touch with a specifically female person (cis or trans, I don't care). And that makes me wonder -- what meaning do I attach to female-bodiedness? What is it? because it's not genital craving; it's not actually things that are exclusive to being female -- but it is physical things that I associate with female-bodiedness. It's soft faces and deliberate movement and rounded breasts and waists that flare to hips. I've recently had dreams about sex with three different female casual friends. The only common thread is that I know them pretty well and am attracted to them as people, but not in a want-to-date or even a want-to-fuck kind of way.

Maybe it's connected to me feeling a need for self-love, or a need to be affirmed as a romantic figure? That last bit sounds odd but I do associate female-female touch as so much more romantic than male-female. (I don't believe this is an inherent thing, but it is my current emotional response to the idea)

All of this is really odd in the context of my relationship with Kyle because we don't relate as male-female, we relate as person-person, in a really deep and profound way. I feel like we've stripped away almost all of the heteronormativity in our sex and our communication. Perhaps not in our romance? hmmm.

Or, a more hopeful and spiritual take on it -- perhaps there is space being created for a person who is soon to enter my life?

Speaking of which, I feel weirdly like I can't have both free-flowing label-less relationships AND deep intense relationships. ( blahdyblahblah )

I know I haven't written in ages upon ages -- there has been just SO MUCH happening I've not even had the time to check my email. And I JUST realized that it's been an entire MONTH. I thought it had been two weeks because my life has practically been on fast-forward. I've been sick for the past three weeks or so, I think mainly because of the pace of life. It seems to be settling some now and hopefully that means I'll recover.

So, I moved in at Serendipity on the 18th and I've started working in exchange for room and board (mainly helping to fix up their old house so it can be rented out). I'm nervous about it because having business arrangements with people I care about has mostly led to broken relationships. But I do have the one example of that NOT happening (the Wynnes) and this feels more like that than the others did, so I'm hopeful that this will turn out to be mutually beneficial and not slanted one way or the other. It helps that they have experience with this sort of arrangement.

I want to write about the incredible beauty of love and change but words are so damn pale and my heart spends itself all day long in the unspoken poetry of kissing and biting and caressing and hugging and eye contact, and yes words but they're not the kind that drip glitter and petals -- they're the kind that build glorious-but-sharp castles out of shared pain and joy, desire and wonder, fear and hope. They're salted with tears and spiced with blood. Everything is so complex and blended. I live in constant sharing -- what are you thinking? what are you feeling? with almost never a serious refusal/absence of answer (Arizona WILL answer "nothing" when ze wants to tease, which is pretty much whenever the answer involves desire :-p). I've yearned for that for so long, so long. Daily communication, especially the sharing of emotional reactions, is so important to me. You know how my yearly Hannah-visits were such a source of joy and growth for me? this is like that, only with more people and for a longer time (I'm soooo yearning to have Hannah and Nick come meet everyone, oh so much).

And I've not written about Kyle really at all yet!

We're about 6 weeks into this unexpected ebullient mutual orbit (we'd seen each other maybe three times and never had a real conversation before the spontaneous hang-out which ended in kisses and my heart flinging itself at zir and three days later love-confessions). Kyle is... incredible. Kyle has what I think of as a tumbleweed spirit* -- ze has wandering feet and a passionate love for chaos (whether fortuitous or no). Holding zir hand and walking is an invitation to adventure; I'm so thrilled to have found a wildchild who wants to share life with me (for my heart is a child that stumbles lonely for the arms of the wild). We are strays and if you feed us we'll keep coming back but close the door behind us and we panic. We've been smiled upon by the Deity I've yet to speak of here. I know that ze is one I can nestle under trestles with and one I can make the most ridiculous 'mistakes' with and one who also sees that beauty in the dark and the dirty and the broken. And ze's a bard, and I mean that in the truest and most sacred way. Ze wears zir violin nearly everywhere and offers gifts of living song to anyone who shows an openness to receive -- and sometimes just to Music, and every now and then to Love. And oh, I've never met anyone so clearly and constantly open, seemingly down to core. The amount of bravery in that absolutely breaks my heart (in that way that only the most intense beauty can). How ze came to practice openness/honesty so constantly without any encouragement I cannot even understand but I am so grateful.


*edited after I learned that "gypsy" is a racial slur.

Last week I dreamed that all of these people wanted to date Viv and I was like, "Augh! I missed my chance!" But then dream-Viv said, "If I'm going to date anyone, it'll be Bel." and both dream-me and after-waking-me were happy about that.

Tonight we hung out for a while and talked -- and you know, I trust Viv on a level I've never trusted anyone else. I mean, not necessarily in a conscious sense, because consciously I know that anyone in such a period of transition (not referring to physical changes) is not going to be the most stable and dependable person, but on a spiritual/emotional level, I trust zir totally. Ze's just... I really don't have words for it. I'd be comfortable crying and letting zir comfort me -- while I could bring myself do that with most people, I wouldn't be comfortable with it. (I'd be ALMOST comfortable with several others, but it would still take a bit of convincing) I don't know why that is -- I just feel safe, understood. And I'm pretty sure it's mutual.

So we talked a while -- ze opened up to me about zir upbringing and style-of-loving (quality time and physical touch, which are MY FAVS TOO YAY!!!) and some other things. And I shared something that has been... formulating in my mind, major life change which I haven't talked about here yet... it's hard to find the words but somehow it tumbles out in person.

Then we went in to cuddle and listen to music (ohhh how I love listening to music with someone who LISTENS (and has similar enough taste to be entranced by Noe Venable ♥) and it's lovely to learn little bits of music theory too). aaaaand ze said that ze feels open/ready to being romantic with me. ( !!!!!!!!!!!! )

Last week I dreamed that all of these people wanted to date Viv and I was like, "Augh! I missed my chance!" But then dream-Viv said, "If I'm going to date anyone, it'll be Bel." and both dream-me and after-waking-me were happy about that.

Tonight we hung out for a while and talked -- and you know, I trust Viv on a level I've never trusted anyone else. I mean, not necessarily in a conscious sense, because consciously I know that anyone in such a period of transition (not referring to physical changes) is not going to be the most stable and dependable person, but on a spiritual/emotional level, I trust zir totally. Ze's just... I really don't have words for it. I'd be comfortable crying and letting zir comfort me -- while I could bring myself do that with most people, I wouldn't be comfortable with it. (I'd be ALMOST comfortable with several others, but it would still take a bit of convincing) I don't know why that is -- I just feel safe, understood. And I'm pretty sure it's mutual.

So we talked a while -- ze opened up to me about zir upbringing and style-of-loving (quality time and physical touch, which are MY FAVS TOO YAY!!!) and some other things. And I shared something that has been... formulating in my mind, major life change which I haven't talked about here yet... it's hard to find the words but somehow it tumbles out in person.

Then we went in to cuddle and listen to music (ohhh how I love listening to music with someone who LISTENS (and has similar enough taste to be entranced by Noe Venable ♥) and it's lovely to learn little bits of music theory too). aaaaand ze said that ze feels open/ready to being romantic with me. ( !!!!!!!!!!!! )

I'm feeling much better about the shift from romantic to platonic with Viv. I didn't think I'd be able to turn off the romantic desire like I usually can because it's VIV, but I've already pretty much done it! I was pretty fixated on whether or not ze had been as in love with me as I was with zir, partly because of curiosity and partly because if ze hadn't I would have been less inclined to turn this romantic again in the future, but I eventually realized that I don't need to know that NOW anyway so I let it go. And I keep remembering (in that 'reminder from deity' way) that a year or two ago I would not have felt it this keenly and if I was in a numb place I might have missed it entirely. So even if ze did not feel the connection nearly as strongly as I did, that doesn't mean ze won't in the future.

Something else I've been thinking about is zir sense of self-worth... If I gave zir a compliment ze would immediately contradict me, which bugged me but I did not react the right way, really -- I should have refrained from complimenting at least until my actions had a chance to convince zir a little. Instead I just kept on. I did ask if it made zir uncomfortable and ze said no, but I should have listened to zir actions also. I was trying to be fully open which is of course great, but for someone not used to that, I think it may be a good idea to build up to it, develop the trust first. I'll try to remember that some people just don't even have a way to hold the idea that someone might admire them, and repeatedly giving them the idea is not going to help them hold on to it. That's REALLY difficult for me because "oh my God/dess you're so amazing" is a thought that is so natural to me that sometimes it pops out of my mouth without me even realizing it.

And I'm going to share some bits that I don't want to forget ;-) Most of these I wrote on Wednesday. ( memories )

I'm feeling much better about the shift from romantic to platonic with Viv. I didn't think I'd be able to turn off the romantic desire like I usually can because it's VIV, but I've already pretty much done it! I was pretty fixated on whether or not ze had been as in love with me as I was with zir, partly because of curiosity and partly because if ze hadn't I would have been less inclined to turn this romantic again in the future, but I eventually realized that I don't need to know that NOW anyway so I let it go. And I keep remembering (in that 'reminder from deity' way) that a year or two ago I would not have felt it this keenly and if I was in a numb place I might have missed it entirely. So even if ze did not feel the connection nearly as strongly as I did, that doesn't mean ze won't in the future.

Something else I've been thinking about is zir sense of self-worth... If I gave zir a compliment ze would immediately contradict me, which bugged me but I did not react the right way, really -- I should have refrained from complimenting at least until my actions had a chance to convince zir a little. Instead I just kept on. I did ask if it made zir uncomfortable and ze said no, but I should have listened to zir actions also. I was trying to be fully open which is of course great, but for someone not used to that, I think it may be a good idea to build up to it, develop the trust first. I'll try to remember that some people just don't even have a way to hold the idea that someone might admire them, and repeatedly giving them the idea is not going to help them hold on to it. That's REALLY difficult for me because "oh my God/dess you're so amazing" is a thought that is so natural to me that sometimes it pops out of my mouth without me even realizing it.

And I'm going to share some bits that I don't want to forget ;-) Most of these I wrote on Wednesday. ( memories )