Solstice was amazing -- definitely the best of my life. Topaz, Aurilion, Abby, Heather (& Brian), Kylei, Camellia, Jude, Roger, Allison (& Whitney), Locke, and myself made 13, perfect, delighted me. I was really happy to have everyone there and really happy to give presents. I got SO excited watching people open them, it was ridic, also Topaz flew across the room to hug me at one present and Abby got reality-broken by one so I felt extremely accomplished, and I felt reflected happiness from everyone I got/made gifts for so that was wonderful. And I made superfood pasta sauce and lots of people loved it <3 It made me feel so good to be able to feed people, I wish I could do that more often but it's expensive so I can't.

I still can't believe that Aurilion came to visit! we talked so much and mended all this old stuff, untangled all these old questions and assumptions. One thing was that near the end of our romantic relationship, there were a few months where we talked for like 2 hours almost every day and neither of us were happy about it but we didn't say so. I felt like an unpaid therapist and Aurilion felt like ze was giving all this openness and I wasn't giving any back. It's sort of astonishing and embarrassing to look back and see how easily that could have been resolved if I had just been blunt (I remember trying to express what I wanted but tiptoeing so much it didn't get through). Also it made me realize that somewhere along the way I lost the habit of openness. I stopped looking into myself to find things to share. I think maybe it happened last year (2012) because I feel like I spent that entire year silent, and mourning that no one sought me. I feel loved when people ask me interesting and prying questions in a way that shows they are looking at my thought process and I feel unloved when I share and get little to no response, or the person redirects the conversation to their own experience/thoughts. To avoid feeling unloved I stopped sharing. And I realized this but it's hard to change conversational habits alone. It was really fascinating and lovely to see how, once I realized that the voluble flow of words from Aurilion came with the expectation that I would share in the same way (instead of, as I thought, the expectation that I would just listen and engage with zir shares), I could reflect on my experiences and find interesting things to share. I still want people to ask me questions, but I also want to practice unprompted sharing again, and just be conscious of when it is not nourishing to do so, so that I don't get drained.

I really enjoyed the time I spent with Aurilion and it happened at a perfect time but I really hope that ze can visit again at a time that isn't so full of other things because I'd like to enter into the connection more. There was so much going on this time. But the biggest block to zir visiting has been overcome so hopefully there will be a smaller lag this time ;-) I really loved seeing zir interact with the people I love and they all enjoyed each others' company a lot too.

Also, Aurilion and I kissed a few times, and when I talked with Topaz about it ze reacted without worry or even surprise (the first time had surprised me as I had absolutely no expectations of what would happen!). I feel more confident that we can move forward together now, and I feel less stressed about the shift into me being more poly again. Also Topaz and I have been having the most amazing sex ever and I feel excited and fulfilled.

Also Topaz' parents spoiled me ridiculously much with Christmas presents; I cried. I have never been so thoughtfully treated at the holidays. My parents got me stuff I didn't want most of the time, stuff that said they didn't know me at all (M kept getting me perfume, which I hate, and FLORAL perfume at that! UGH, like a slap in the face. And I got no presents once I 'betrayed' the family by forcing them to do something about the abuse in it). My in-laws made me feel like an outsider (they have an only-blood-is-real-family kind of mindset). I spent so many years wanting to feel included and seen, and though I certainly got that from my tribe, I never got it from 'family' but Topaz' family treats me like I belong. The biggest thing was that it felt genuine, not just a 'well you're here so we gotta get you something so it doesn't seem like a snub.' They acted like it was no big deal and I think to them it really wasn't, they just included me without thinking hard about it, but it was a big damn deal to me. I wrote them a card and sent it in the mail.

I'm living monogamously right now: I'm not seeking out any new romantic connections and I'm not open to spontaneous romance/sex with people other than my lover. I still consider myself poly because this is only a temporary situation. I feel very little desire to create new romance right now, but when I do, I will transition my relationship with Topaz. Topaz has said that ze is willing to try it but that ze doesn't think ze will be able to handle it, and I feel like that's true, so I feel that it is likely that when I am actively poly again it will be the end of my romantic relationship with Topaz. And I love sex and kisses with Topaz way more than any others I've had so far, so I'm not giving those up lightly (we have both agreed that when we break up we will still be emotionally intimate and cuddly, so the sex and kisses are all that we intend to change).

It's been weird. I'm not used to having any artificial boundaries in my relationships (that is, boundaries set by something other than the ones directly involved). But the extra energy I have that I might have put into developing a new relationship I am instead putting into developing my friendships, and I am glad to have that as a possibility. I'm also glad to have people who can and will make plans with me in my tiny bit of spare time!

Topaz makes me feel more myself. I feel in touch with my badassness. I feel able to do all the scary things, I feel able to explore, I feel like nothing is too big, I feel like I can write and paint and create. I feel happy, connected, alive, nourished, seen, loved.

At the same time my exhaustion and depression are never far away. I feel my life is like traveling on narrow ledges between pits, and I can never go fast because I might slip. And most of the time I'm okay, if a little wobbly sometimes, but all it takes is the merest bump and boom, I'm over the edge and in the pit. Being nourished means that the pits are a little shallower and I can get out of them a bit faster, but the more often I have to recover the more exhausted I get, and the more exhausted I am the deeper the pits grow as well as the harder they are to deal with at all. I just want the ledges to widen, I want to be able to re-balance when I get bumped instead of falling. How long will this take? What do I need to do? more rest, more self-care, yes. How much of this is chemical? Am I hoping in vain for ledges to widen when they could only do so with medical help?

My relationship with Topaz is barely 2 and a half months old, and it's already where I was with Kylei after 9 months and Hannah after our first visit and where none of my other relationships have gone (including my 8-year marriage). We have a significant amount of minor but very emotional conflict, which I think we handle pretty well, and I'm amazed to see such rapid increase of skill. And yet some of the baby-new steps were just skipped -- we haven't actually negotiated our relationship. That's so strange and we've been intending to do it but we're so in harmony so much of the time that I actually forget about it (which has never happened to me before). And I know it is a wise thing to do and we have intended to do it but just haven't yet.

And Topaz is new to poly and I am new to this feeling of not really wanting to spend time with anyone else, and actively wanting to spend all my time with one person. For a while I was wondering if I had turned monogamous -- and that idea didn't even scare me. I'm starting to feel desire to spend time with other people, but it's slow and small (about once a week I'd like to spend 2-3 hours in one-on-one time with someone other than Topaz). I think it will be a while yet before I have any desire to build with someone other than Topaz, and I don't know how intensely it will return.

The only reasons I want to negotiate a poly relationship rather than a monogamous one is 1) I don't like the idea of prescriptive exclusivity 2) I don't want to take romantic aspects out of my other connections. I think going forward my 'rules' are going to be very different. I used to spend a shitton of energy trying to balance my relationships and make sure everyone felt equally loved and felt like they had a fair amount of my time. I don't EVER want to do that again. I want to follow desire. I want people in my life who understand that a 'fair' amount is an amount that is desired by both people. I want very clear statements of desire always. I do not want anyone to ever feel entitled to my time because that is how I end up wandering on narrow ledges between sharp slippery ditches; that is how I end up feeling completely unvalued and like nothing I do is ever good enough. That is how I end up spending every speck of energy I have and getting net-zero nourishment from my connections.

I want an ethics of desire. I want people to spend time with me only, ever, because they desire to spend time with ME, and I want clear communication about that. I want people to give to me their love and their energy and their bodies only, ever, because they desire to. And I want to be with people who desire to give as much as they want to get. I would rather be completely alone than have someone give to me out of obligation. I would rather push people away than watch myself give to them out of obligation.

2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

( important events in 2011 )

So barely two weeks ago I started dating a new person, Adi. After the second intimacy practice, Kyle and John and Adi and I hung out and Adi had lots of wine and grape-bravely told me that ze wanted to be romantic with me (after I asked what ze was thinking); the next day I emailed and asked if that was true now that ze was sober and if so, what it meant. After some conversation we decided to date... and on that first date I fell completely and utterly in love. We talked so nakedly; I shared about things that my faith is delicate on (even things that still feel too scary to share on LJ).

And it went from being friendly metamours (metamour: the lover of one's lover) to deep nourishing intense erotic romantic love. I am full of adoration but more than that, I already feel incredibly close and united, to a level I've rarely experienced. There is no nervousness left, no worries, no doubts (the fear-spark is gone, haha) -- I know that Adi is going to be in my life for the rest of it (even if I cannot predict how), and I feel pretty sure that it's going to be a deeply-intertwined relationship for all that time. I feel as confident about it as I do about Hannah being in my life forever; I don't feel even a little worried that Adi is going to develop a life that I cannot fit into. We already have conflict resolution that feels safe and understanding on both sides (something that took a long time to build with the others I have it with). I'm intensely empathetic with Adi, to the point where zir intoxication gets me intoxicated without me imbibing directly (even with intoxicants that have no direct effect on me).

And I see a similar thing between Kyle and Adi as far as the connection goes. It's interesting because I connect with both of them SO much, and they connect with each other in a way that is very different from how they each connect with me. Some of it doesn't really translate (like video games and strategy board games) but it's still similar enough that the three of us spend time together without it feeling like 2 and 1. Also Adi and I being together has shifted their relationship dramatically -- in large part because I talked to Adi about Kyle and then relayed Adi's feelings to Kyle, who then confessed that ze had held back, thinking that Adi wasn't all that emotionally invested. They talked about it and it created a new openness and mutual awareness ;-) [they started dating September 22nd of last year] I could see the three of us forming a triad (I've been pondering what that means) but I don't feel an urge to set any expectations or specific commitments (and I don't think they do either) so for now we're just a very linked triangle (with branches).

I feel stunned at how rapidly this has developed and how incredibly strong it is already. I feel like I planted an acorn two weeks ago and it's already a large enough tree to climb and sit in. And I already feel changed; I feel like there is a part of me that finds resonance in Adi that I have been yearning for, and now that part is blooming, unfurling.

It's been ages since I wrote -- partly from busyness and partly because I was so freaking stressed about financial stuff that I could not spend time in reflective mindspace or I'd fixate on it. My financial aid finally came in this week (two and a half weeks into the semester, having no books) so I have a little room to breathe. and so much has been going on, argh, I'm frustrated that I haven't written.

Things are SO busy, I've scheduled weekly dates -- one with Kyle and one with Abby -- and I've started seeing Arizona again. When we broke up in November, it was mostly because at that point Arizona intended to stay at Serendipity for the rest of zir life, and wanted to be with someone who could become part of that family too. I couldn't do that and Arizona couldn't help hoping for it and it was making us both sad. But now zir life has taken a different turn, ze's making new roots with a new lover that ze's very serious with, and there are possibilities between us again. And it's pretty amazing -- I don't feel like the sad parts or separation damaged our connection at all; it feels even stronger than before. I think we're both much more 'ourselves' than we were when last we were together and when we touch and make eye contact I feel like a plant soaking up the sun. It's just so purely nourishing. Although I realized recently that the breakup was much harder for Arizona than for me, because I always thought that we'd get back together in a year or two, but ze thought we were over forever. I think one of the lessons I am most grateful for learning/believing is that if you have a true connection, and you leave space open for it, it will always come back (even though you can't predict when). When I lost Hannah the first time I thought I was going to die, and losing Aurilion the first time crushed me too -- but after a time, we reconnected. These things are too real to die (I think sometimes they might hibernate until the next lifetime, but they're eternal).

Classes are 3/4ths pretty cool, and 1/4th INFURIATING. ( ignorance and prejudice are ESPECIALLY INEXCUSABLE if people are trusting you to teach them )

My biosib S was in town last week and I went to dinner with zir and my bioparent M. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was surprised. The evening ended up being S and I talking about real things, much to M's consternation (ze shook zir head and pursed zir lips and drew zir eyebrows but mostly stayed out of it). S asked who I was dating and I answered, which sparked a whole conversation about polyamory and queerness. The poly was a short conversation but the queerness conversation went on for a while -- S asked how it fit with my [religion/beliefs (can't remember the word ze used)] and I said, "ummm, it just fits? that's a vague question." Then ze tried to come up with a better question and I said that I understood that the church has an anti-homosexuality doctrine, but it's based on a handful of verses taken out of context and misinterpreted. M tried to challenge me and then got a bit intimidated because I clearly know those verses better than ze does. Then someone mentioned Sodom and I said that the sexual sin of Sodom was rape, and to claim otherwise is to say rape isn't that big of a deal. Which somehow got us on the topic of marital rape, and I tried to explain consent and coercion to S, which I think mostly went over zir head, but I think some of it got through. And M said that it wasn't rape unless it was forced and I corrected that lie (sternly). I was a little drunk by that point because S bought me a margarita and it was REALLY strong. But I was pretty happy that I didn't back down or even feel like backing down and it was actually kind of a relief to be able to confront those ideas directly with people I don't think will get it. With people whom I perceive as actually WANTING to understand ask, I speak so carefully, trying to say just the right thing. I think it's counterproductive sometimes, but I feel responsible. I think it might be better if I could stop worrying whether or not an individual is "won to the cause," and just say "that's ignorant and prejudiced, and here's why." I think the overcaution is the equivalent of trying to save people -- I need to stop thinking that I have the power to change people's minds, and just be naked and blunt and if they seem open, THEN speak carefully. I need to try for people who actually care instead of trying for everyone. Throw seeds everywhere, but only water the ones that sprout.

Anyway I ended up being impressed by how S listened, and decided that I wanted to try to have a friendship with zir. Amusingly, this is an attitude I developed from being poly. I learned that I could still find value in relationships that were the emotional equivalent of candy, because it wasn't that or nothing. I can have candy AND food that will actually nourish and satisfy me. I don't think I will ever be super close with S, but I think that ze can be a good way for me to learn communications that I won't otherwise learn, and I think I can help zir learn about people who are different from zir.

When I moved from monogamy to polyamory, I wanted to keep the "you're the specialest" feel in all of my romance and sex, so I tried to divide all of my time and effort equally, so that no one was any more special than the other. That wasn't too difficult when I had only one local lover, but it became more difficult when I began seeing more than one local person. And recently I've started questioning why I've been doing that. I think part of the reason was that I always felt like I was "the one who loved more" in all of my relationships (platonic or romantic) and I hated that feeling and wanted to make sure I never made anyone else feel that way. I also hate hierarchy and wanted to be sure I wasn't creating it in my relationships*. But when it came down to it, I was lying to myself in order to maintain a front. The truth was, my "favorite" wasn't everyone at once all the time -- it fluctuated. Sometimes I wanted to spend all of my time with one person, sometimes I actually felt equal desire for each person, sometimes I just wanted the one I was nearest to. But instead of doing what I wanted, I would try to portion myself out equally, often failed, and felt very guilty about it. Then I got stressed about how "bad" I was being at the relationship and wanted it less and less. And every time I said no to some request I felt bad, and started avoiding the person in order to not have to say no.

I've only been with one person for the past three months, yet I still feel guilty about having a "favorite," and have been avoiding new relationships because my attitude has been: if I don't like/love/desire/etc the person as much as the person might want, I shouldn't "get their hopes up." And the idea of being frank with people about how much I want, in all of its fickleness, is really scary. I feel like if I say to someone "I don't feel like spending time with you now or soon" they will hear "I don't care about you and don't want you in my life." That's not the case, but it is often how I feel when people say that to ME (unless they have some "can't help it" excuse). So I guess that restricts me to people who are okay with no time commitments, no structure, no label -- just a connection that will sometimes be a focus for me and sometimes not. It's not that I am completely unwilling to make plans or patterns, but that I need it to be totally okay if they're changed or just gone. Maybe this is an immaturity in me, or maybe it's a healthy/good part of me -- I dunno, I plan to explore it more and find out.

( for now, this is my goal in relationships: )

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )

my life has gotten even MORE insannnne and at this point I'm going to have to start posting outlines in order to get anything down. This past timespan has been just... massive. And there is so much I haven't said!

( the 11th through the 21st in list form! )

My feelings on sex and relationships have been changing a lot in the past 6 months or so, as I've been transitioning out of being partnered to my ex. I became sexually active and monogamously committed at the same time, and when I became polyamorous I practiced in a polyfidelitous way (consulting my partner before getting involved with anyone, and only having sex in the context of a committed relationship). So until recently I've never really experienced having the only voice in my own sexual choices, and my outlook on sex had always been connected to how it would affect my partner/lover(s). In some ways sex is still really new to me, and there are a lot of things I don't know about myself, sexually. I had always imagined that sex outside of the context of a relationship would be too emotionally risky for me, but I'm not sure that is true for me anymore. And I am sure that I want to explore the possibility that it might be a positive, growthful experience for me. So I've re-defined my sexual and relational boundaries.

For me to have sex with a person, I need:

love (on my part) and mutual respect

( ... )

mutual desire

( ... )

willingness to respect my boundaries in sex

( ... )

( . )

For me to have a romantic/sexual relationship with a person, I also need for the person to:

be seeking to grow, learn, and create

( ... )

be equalist and respectful of all beings/things

( ... )

be open/honest/expressive

( ... )

be loving, affectionate, interested in me, and able to give emotionally

( ... )

feel and believe in mutual connection

( ... )

have a similar view of sex

( ... )

Since I broke up with my ex I've become aware that the structure we had while we were together really didn't work for me. The idea of having primary and secondary relationships has always been something I wanted to avoid, but when one person always gets more of my time and energy, there's a hierarchy whether I like it or not. I want all people to have the opportunity for an equal impact on my life. If I am sharing more of my life with one person, then creating that opportunity is far more difficult (if not impossible). That's one reason I really don't want to live with a lover again.

It used to be that my 'ideal' relationship was a closed circle with 2-4 people, all of whom were involved with each other or at least good friends and all of whom lived with me. Now my 'ideal' is really more about me -- I want to have a life that is fully my own which I invite people into but do not share completely with any person. I see every relationship as three people; me, the other, and the shared self. For me, in a partnership I tend to ( become more of that shared self than I am my separate self )

And this makes me consider the concept of soulfriendship. I don't know if I want to have that again either. All of those qualities are things I strive for in every friendship, and I definitely think having them as a clear, dedicated mutual focus is amazingly helpful and growthful, but it IS a more intense form of relationship and it takes a great deal of time and energy. Thus one simply doesn't have as much for other relationships and they become secondary by default. I didn't have the same lessening-of-self experience with soulfriendship, but that may be because my soulfriendship was long-distance and therefore there was separateness included. I think soulfriendship is something I'll want to try again sometime, but I'm pretty sure it won't be soon. I've valued blending above being, and I need to learn being before I practice blending again.

I had a dream about Angelina last night for the first time in a year. Ze used to figure in my dreams quite regularly but now seems to just pop up to herald change... ( in which my male bio-parent is the positive figure! )

( deliriously happy time ♥ )

Polyamory is so amazing, and so utterly perfect for me -- something I'm realizing viscerally for the first time because I'm only involved with poly people right now, so there's not that hesitation/worry that was in the back of my mind when I was with my ex-partner. To feel this with Ben AND what I feel for Viv at the same time? To follow my heart unquestioningly? it's just... wow. I'm all aglow, I'm so gloriously happy, I'm so exactly where I'm meant to be. Wow.

Yesterday my partner B (who is not actually my partner anymore) went with me to the Thursday night pagan meeting (which is actually a meeting for queer pagans, but queerness isn't usually the focus). This is shocking for ( many reasons )

Later we talked a little bit about it and ze said ze wants to continue doing things like that with me -- stepping outside of zir comfort zone and exploring things that interest me, and things that both interest and scare zir. (like being more open and 'out' -- ze actually agreed to having a talk with zir parents about polyamory and queerness, though I haven't checked back to see if that's still true after ze's had time to think more about it. I think if it's discussed openly that'll take away some of the fear of disapproval -- even if they disapprove, ze'll know how much, and I don't think it'll be as bad as ze thinks it will) I'm not sure what to think of this change, because it's so sudden and HUGE, but if it lasts as it continues I think it will be a whole new kind of relationship. Ze said that ze wants to develop a friendship with me and maybe become lovers eventually. I found that a little surprising too, because I hadn't considered us quite so... ended, but that seems to be an honest view of it.

It feels like B has let go of me in a partnership way, which feels delightfully freeing, and even though everything is STILLLLLLLLLLL tangled and unsure (are we going to stay legally married or go through the hassle/expense of a divorce? when/how are we going to arrange separate living?) and this is really brand new, I'm enjoying it so far. And I feel like being lovers-not-partners is absolutely the best choice now.

so, that thing that I mentioned I told Viv (and I also told Ash), which is hard to put into words -- I'm gonna try. Even though I just kinda wanna scream and flail, I'm so confused and conflicted.

Recently I realized that I don't want to be partnered anymore. And it's not really about B [my partner]; I've been pretty satisfied with us lately. ( but the old reasons don't work anymore and I don't have current ones. )

I'm not sure if I will ever want to be partners with anyone again. I'm feeling more and more like that is not for me. I almost feel like it is a personal calling of sorts to be... alone, in that sense. I have this vision of my heart and my living space as this place where people can come and go, stay as long as they like or just stop in. Ever since I was a little kid I dreamed about having my own place and living alone. I wasn't the kind of little girl who daydreamed about a wedding followed by husband and kids -- I daydreamed about living alone in a world all of my own making, always with a house big enough for having plenty of visitors but with a whole floor all to myself. Plenty of animal friends but no person who shared a claim on my space (even if they were a long-term guest). I gave up this dream to be with B because I loved zir, but now I'm realizing that I can have true, deep love without giving up that dream, that part of myself.

Unfortunately I may lose B. ( Ze's having a really hard time with this )

My bioparent Pat (not the name ze goes by but I don't want to have biofamily's names in here and the initials are for people who are not active parts of my life) has FINALLY separated from M and has moved into the house they have in my city. We've spent some time together, sometimes working on the house (which ze is pretty much overhauling -- new flooring, paint, plumbing, driveway, porch, stairs, etc.) and sometimes just hanging out, and a few times we've gone to church.

Week before last we visited a ( Unitarian Universalist church )

This Sunday we went to Unity, which was really amazing because the talk was on finding peace of mind even in difficult times, which is so exactly what Pat needed to hear! I really loved the service -- as usual there was a very sweet spirit to it, especially during meditation time, and the music was a little more energetic than usual which I REALLY appreciate. I do love everything about it except the music and the fact that the vast majority of members are so much older than me. I think I'm gonna have to mix'n'match -- maybe go to Unity in the morning and Liberty in the evening (I miss Liberty worship!). Anyway, Pat liked it too except for the music. I'm finding it fun going to various churches with zir! I have a few more in mind, but we'll have to skip next weekend because I'M GONNA BE IN NC WITH MY BELOVED AURILION YAAAAAAAY!!! :D (I leave on Thursday *bounce bounce*)

So then we parted ways for a bit as ze had to do some house-renovation meetings, and then that evening we met for dinner at Olive Garden (not my thing as I can't stand overpriced food, but it's zir favorite) as a belated birthday present. We had a fairly nice time -- there was some discussion of zir abusive spouse M, which is not very enjoyable but understandable. (ze's doing a really wonderful job of breaking free, bit by bit) Afterward we went over to Starbucks (which I don't really like anymore but all the good coffeeshops are on the other side of town) and talked over coffee and after insane jolts of adrenaline...

( I came out to my bioparent as bisexual & polyamorous )

And through all of this my stomach was in absolute KNOTS. I expected it to be easy, but alllll of Saturday I felt queasy and nervous (I wanted to do it on National Coming Out Day but I couldn't get in contact with zir in time) and then I felt soooooooo nervous Sunday, especially all through dinner and then I nearly died of nerves when we went to coffee. I have no idea why it was such a big deal!

The reason I haven't come out before is because my biofamily hasn't been part of my life (except my lil sis, who I did come out to). It's really weird to me having my bioparent back in my life after... 6 years of very little contact. I haven't felt negatively toward Pat for a very long time, but when ze was with M, talking to zir would make me shake with rage and depress me because ze would tell me how M abused zir. Now it's still hard to talk to zir but I can feel the chains slowly loosening and that makes all the difference in the world. I'm really excited to see how ze becomes zir trueself. 10 years ago a person prophesied that we would become like best friends and I thought that was ridiculous, but now I could actually see that happening.

My bioparent Pat (not the name ze goes by but I don't want to have biofamily's names in here and the initials are for people who are not active parts of my life) has FINALLY separated from M and has moved into the house they have in my city. We've spent some time together, sometimes working on the house (which ze is pretty much overhauling -- new flooring, paint, plumbing, driveway, porch, stairs, etc.) and sometimes just hanging out, and a few times we've gone to church.

Week before last we visited a ( Unitarian Universalist church )

This Sunday we went to Unity, which was really amazing because the talk was on finding peace of mind even in difficult times, which is so exactly what Pat needed to hear! I really loved the service -- as usual there was a very sweet spirit to it, especially during meditation time, and the music was a little more energetic than usual which I REALLY appreciate. I do love everything about it except the music and the fact that the vast majority of members are so much older than me. I think I'm gonna have to mix'n'match -- maybe go to Unity in the morning and Liberty in the evening (I miss Liberty worship!). Anyway, Pat liked it too except for the music. I'm finding it fun going to various churches with zir! I have a few more in mind, but we'll have to skip next weekend because I'M GONNA BE IN NC WITH MY BELOVED AURILION YAAAAAAAY!!! :D (I leave on Thursday *bounce bounce*)

So then we parted ways for a bit as ze had to do some house-renovation meetings, and then that evening we met for dinner at Olive Garden (not my thing as I can't stand overpriced food, but it's zir favorite) as a belated birthday present (zir sister promised to take zir out but then made zir pay for zir own meal? wtf?). We had a fairly nice time -- there was some discussion of zir abusive spouse M, which is not very enjoyable but understandable. (ze's doing a really wonderful job of breaking free, bit by bit) Afterward we went over to Starbucks (which I don't really like anymore but all the good coffeeshops are on the other side of town) and talked over coffee and after insane jolts of adrenaline...

( I came out to my bioparent as bisexual & polyamorous )

And through all of this my stomach was in absolute KNOTS. I expected it to be easy, but alllll of Saturday I felt queasy and nervous (I wanted to do it on National Coming Out Day but I couldn't get in contact with zir in time) and then I felt soooooooo nervous Sunday, especially all through dinner and then I nearly died of nerves when we went to coffee. I have no idea why it was such a big deal!

The reason I haven't come out before is because my biofamily hasn't been part of my life (except my lil sis, who I did come out to). It's really weird to me having my bioparent back in my life after... 6 years of very little contact. I haven't felt negatively toward Pat for a very long time, but when ze was with M, talking to zir would make me shake with rage and depress me because ze would tell me how M abused zir. Now it's still hard to talk to zir but I can feel the chains slowly loosening and that makes all the difference in the world. I'm really excited to see how ze becomes zir trueself. 10 years ago a person prophesied that we would become like best friends and I thought that was ridiculous, but now I could actually see that happening.

Building on the post about lack of community, what I yearn for is to know more people who see the world in these ways*:

★ spiritual (not religious) -- believing in spiritual things, yet adhering to no external creed or tenets; believing in what resonates with one's own spirit, and questioning anything that does not.

( explanation )

★ genderfree* -- believing that sex (physical genitalia) does not create an inherent difference in the inner-self, that we have the power to rid ourselves of gendered thinking, and that it is important for the sake of equality to choose to change one's thinking/language to eliminate* gender (not necessarily to the point of using genderfree pronouns).

( explanation )

★ a radical feminist/equalist -- believing that all human beings should be treated with the same respect yet are not, and taking responsibility to change the world by eliminating hate speech as well as other forms of discrimination.

( explanation )

★ queer (and activist) -- being true to oneself after having deeply and open-mindedly considered one's sexual attraction, and taking responsibility to change the world so that all adult-human-to-adult-human sexual attractions are treated with equal respect.

( explanation )

★ polyamorous (committed, not-kinky)* -- open to multiple serious romantic relationships that do not involve b/d/s/m.

( explanation )

( and randomly )

* ETA August 2009: this needs editing because some of my views have expanded, though they maintain the same core.

Building on the post about lack of community, what I yearn for is to know more people who see the world in these ways:

★ spiritual (not religious) -- believing in spiritual things, yet adhering to no external creed or tenets; believing in what resonates with one's own spirit, and questioning anything that does not.

( explanation )

★ genderfree -- believing that sex (physical genitalia) does not create an inherent difference in the inner-self, that we have the power to rid ourselves of gendered thinking, and that it is important for the sake of equality to choose to change one's thinking/language to eliminate gender (not necessarily to the point of using genderfree pronouns).

( explanation )

★ a radical feminist/equalist -- believing that all human beings should be treated with the same respect yet are not, and taking responsibility to change the world by eliminating hate speech as well as other forms of discrimination.

( explanation )

★ queer (and activist) -- being true to oneself after having deeply and open-mindedly considered one's sexual attraction, and taking responsibility to change the world so that all adult-human-to-adult-human sexual attractions are treated with equal respect.

( explanation )

★ polyamorous (committed, not-kinky) -- open to multiple serious romantic relationships that do not involve b/d/s/m.

( explanation )

( and randomly )

( what sparked this realization )

I don't have community like I used to. Being gendered, monogamous, straight, religious (believing in one religion's set tenets/creed), and non-feminist is a HUGE community with all its own jokes and habits and comfort. Going out and expecting all of these things in common with everyone you meet -- that's a huge part of life that you don't even realize until you no longer have it. I had no idea how lucky I was to only have to consider personality/hobbies/politics/jobs/religion-type as potential differences... I feel alienated from most people because I know that genderfree-poly-queer-spiritual-radicalfeminists are pretty damn rare. It's really lonely to realize that the very basic parts of you are different from most everyone else. And people seem to think of these things as incidental, or little quirks -- but they are not minor differences, they are a completely different worldview. I'm faced with my difference, my separation, every time I read a book or go online or see a movie or go to the store or even think about my friends. It's like... seeing the world in completely different colors than the vast majority of people, in a world where color is how people relate. How can I be understood when I try to describe what to me is blue and to someone else is yellow? Most people cannot hold two conflicting views at once, and since their views conflict with mine they cannot see mine. Even those who CAN hold two conflicting views at once can only watch me dance, they cannot dance with me.

I thank God/dess that some of you can share some of my dances! I am very grateful for that, and for the fact that even when you cannot dance with me you smile and clap along, so that I do not feel alone. And I like seeing you dance, even if it makes me ache a little when others can join in and I can't. I love that seeing our differences keeps my thoughts fresh and brings up questions continually, but it is lonely. Every time I dance alone, unseen, I feel a little sad... I can't even imagine how incredible it would be to have some of you live near me, because I think with time in each other's presence some of us would be able to weave our separate dances together.

It is HARD to keep my beliefs, which make me so uncomfortable with a world in which I do not fit -- but at the same time, I cannot abandon them because I no longer have the ability to numb myself. I can't be monogamous, straight, gendered, religious, or non-feminist, because that would require a betrayal of self which I could not endure. Part of me really misses the time when my differences were so small that they did not separate me from the majority -- being bisexual, but in a monogamous hetero marriage; being angry about gender stereotypes, but still conforming to and believing in gender; seeking truth for myself and believing that God/dess was pro-queer, but not questioning the other basic dogmas or seeking truth outside one belief system; and wanting equality, but not really understanding what that is or speaking up for it. I wouldn't go back even if I could, but I miss feeling comfortable in the world -- never perfectly comfortable, but not vastly different either. Never fully understood, but mostly.

another post on this topic is in the making... explaining more of how being genderfree-poly-queer-spiritual-radicalfeminist is rare, why it is so important to me, and what I mean by each word.

( what sparked this realization )

I don't have community like I used to. Being gendered, monogamous, straight, religious (believing in one religion's set tenets/creed), and non-feminist is a HUGE community with all its own jokes and habits and comfort. Going out and expecting all of these things in common with everyone you meet -- that's a huge part of life that you don't even realize until you no longer have it. I had no idea how lucky I was to only have to consider personality/hobbies/politics/jobs/religion-type as potential differences... I feel alienated from most people because I know that genderfree-poly-queer-spiritual-radicalfeminists are pretty damn rare. It's really lonely to realize that the very basic parts of you are different from most everyone else. And people seem to think of these things as incidental, or little quirks -- but they are not minor differences, they are a completely different worldview. I'm faced with my difference, my separation, every time I read a book or go online or see a movie or go to the store or even think about my friends. It's like... seeing the world in completely different colors than the vast majority of people, in a world where color is how people relate. How can I be understood when I try to describe what to me is blue and to someone else is yellow? Most people cannot hold two conflicting views at once, and since their views conflict with mine they cannot see mine. Even those who CAN hold two conflicting views at once can only watch me dance, they cannot dance with me.

I thank God/dess that some of you can share some of my dances! I am very grateful for that, and for the fact that even when you cannot dance with me you smile and clap along, so that I do not feel alone. And I like seeing you dance, even if it makes me ache a little when others can join in and I can't. I love that seeing our differences keeps my thoughts fresh and brings up questions continually, but it is lonely. Every time I dance alone, unseen, I feel a little sad... I can't even imagine how incredible it would be to have some of you live near me, because I think with time in each other's presence some of us would be able to weave our separate dances together.

It is HARD to keep my beliefs, which make me so uncomfortable with a world in which I do not fit -- but at the same time, I cannot abandon them because I no longer have the ability to numb myself. I can't be monogamous, straight, gendered, religious, or non-feminist, because that would require a betrayal of self which I could not endure. Part of me really misses the time when my differences were so small that they did not separate me from the majority -- being bisexual, but in a monogamous hetero marriage; being angry about gender stereotypes, but still conforming to and believing in gender; seeking truth for myself and believing that God/dess was pro-queer, but not questioning the other basic dogmas or seeking truth outside one belief system; and wanting equality, but not really understanding what that is or speaking up for it. I wouldn't go back even if I could, but I miss feeling comfortable in the world -- never perfectly comfortable, but not vastly different either. Never fully understood, but mostly.

another post on this topic is in the making... explaining more of how being genderfree-poly-queer-spiritual-radicalfeminist is rare, why it is so important to me, and what I mean by each word.

One of the most momentous parts of the visit was getting to know Nick. When ze visited last year, I didn't really get to know zir that well because Hannah and I were both in such a bad place, and ze was less open (I think) and I was less spiritually aware. Even then we got along really well, but this time I saw zir in a much clearer way. I realized that ze is a violet spirit, like Hannah and I, and I connected with zir so deeply! This is only the second time I have met another (open) violet spirit in person, and it is so different from when I met Hannah -- I knew Hannah really well before spending time in person, and I knew Nick very little. My connection with Hannah 'could' be explained away by our openness and honesty and the many many hours we've spent in conversation, but the connection with Nick was just there -- experiencing that really gave me a lot of faith.

After a few days of settling in, Hannah and Nick and I had this unity and understanding that was fucking incredible. It amazed me just to experience the near-telepathy with Hannah, but to experience it in a triangle, in person, added a whole new dimension. If one person was upset for any reason, both others would sense it and ask about it -- so validating! so loving! We talked constantly about both the deeply meaningful and the decidedly meaningless. (we have very similar humor: gutter-potty, I'd call it :D) I became open in a whole new way, experiencing the culture of their bond. They have a habit of asking "how are you feeling?" constantly -- I'm so unused to being asked that question that I had a hard time knowing what to say at first, but after a few days it became easy and I realized so much more about myself. I became so much more aware of my own feelings, and aware of the fact that I am used to ignoring them unless they are intense. I had no idea I repressed so much, though it makes sense when I consider the fact that my only nearby friend is my partner and (until recently) ze never asked anything about me. (Fortunately that has changed now ♥)

After about a week, Hannah told me that ze was finding it hard to balance zir time/energy/love between the two of us and said that ze thought it would be easier if Nick and I were also together romantically. Ze said the last part in a sort of playful way so I didn't take zir seriously then, just discussed ways of helping the balance. But my heart leapt at the idea, and a few days later a strange series of events (to be discussed in another post) led me to confessing that I wanted to be with both of them. They discussed it and decided that they wanted that also, so I talked with my partner (after a day of trying to reach zir) and ze said ze was fine with it. Then we had to wait another day because Hannah is not yet out as poly to zir mom, and at last we had a day just the three of us.

( I have never experienced anything so beautiful in my life )

I'm falling apart / I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart / that's still beating
in the pain / there is healing
in your name / I find meaning
so I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

Just diving in...

One of the most momentous parts of the visit was getting to know Nick. When ze visited last year, I didn't really get to know zir that well because Hannah and I were both in such a bad place, and ze was less open (I think) and I was less spiritually aware. Even then we got along really well, but this time I saw zir in a much clearer way. I realized that ze is a violet spirit, like Hannah and I, and I connected with zir so deeply! This is only the second time I have met another (open) violet spirit in person, and it is so different from when I met Hannah -- I knew Hannah really well before spending time in person, and I knew Nick very little. My connection with Hannah 'could' be explained away by our openness and honesty and the many many hours we've spent in conversation, but the connection with Nick was just there -- experiencing that really gave me a lot of faith.

After a few days of settling in, Hannah and Nick and I had this unity and understanding that was fucking incredible. It amazed me just to experience the near-telepathy with Hannah, but to experience it in a triangle, in person, added a whole new dimension. If one person was upset for any reason, both others would sense it and ask about it -- so validating! so loving! We talked constantly about both the deeply meaningful and the decidedly meaningless. (we have very similar humor: gutter-potty, I'd call it :D) I became open in a whole new way, experiencing the culture of their bond. They have a habit of asking "how are you feeling?" constantly -- I'm so unused to being asked that question that I had a hard time knowing what to say at first, but after a few days it became easy and I realized so much more about myself. I became so much more aware of my own feelings, and aware of the fact that I am used to ignoring them unless they are intense. I had no idea I repressed so much, though it makes sense when I consider the fact that my only nearby friend is my partner and (until recently) ze never asked anything about me. (Fortunately that has changed now ♥)

After about a week, Hannah told me that ze was finding it hard to balance zir time/energy/love between the two of us and said that ze thought it would be easier if Nick and I were also together romantically. Ze said the last part in a sort of playful way so I didn't take zir seriously then, just discussed ways of helping the balance. But my heart leapt at the idea, and a few days later a strange series of events (to be discussed in another post) led me to confessing that I wanted to be with both of them. They discussed it and decided that they wanted that also, so I talked with my partner (after a day of trying to reach zir) and ze said ze was fine with it. Then we had to wait another day because Hannah is not yet out as poly to zir mom, and at last we had a day just the three of us.

( I have never experienced anything so beautiful in my life )

I'm falling apart / I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart / that's still beating
in the pain / there is healing
in your name / I find meaning
so I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

( I have this 'crowd blindness' ) so when Nimajn and I picked Aurilion up from the airport, I was worried that I would not spot zir because the flow of people was moving so fast. I needn't have worried! Ze spotted me, yelled "BEL!", dashed over and barreled into me, almost knocking me over, and hugged me so tightly ze squeezed out my air. Then ze kissed me and I automatically turned my cheek to zir before I realized that ze was aiming for my mouth -- then I turned back to kiss zir on the lips.

My first same-sex kiss! My first kiss with anyone-not-Nimajn! My first mouth-kiss in public in YEARS! I was quite intoxicated from the newness of it and beamed and stumbled my way out of the airport, holding hands and swinging arms delightedly. As Nimajn drove us home (such a wonderful gift ♥), Aurilion and I sat in the back seat and kissed and kissed and kissed. Oh God/dess, such kisses ♥

Throughout the visit, I was hyper-aware of touch in public. This was really weird for me because I'm used to being almost defiantly affectionate with my female-bodied friends in public, and I know I have been assumed to be lesbian many times. But it being actually romantic made it feel SO DIFFERENT. I felt so much shyer. At first I was like "wtf, Bel, is this internalized homophobia? I thought you were way past that!" And as I thought about it I realized that I would have felt the same if Aurilion had been male, so that wasn't the reason. Instead, I think it was because: I've only experienced romance with a person who has not liked public displays of affection, and thus I have been 'trained' for the past 6+ years to reserve my romantic stuff for privacy; I'm still getting over the fear that people will think I am cheating on Nimajn and therefore dishonest; and most of all it's just new on so many levels! Most people have more than one romance before getting married, and I had never even held hands with anyone except Nimajn until this week. I felt so young and inexperienced! I felt SHY. The shyness faded pretty quickly, but the wonder-at-newness remained. It's so. freaking. amazing.

I think part of me feels 'legitimized' in a way. Like, I have known that I'm bisexual and polyamorous for a long time now but I had never experienced an actual bi-poly relationship in practice. I'm glad it didn't happen earlier because I would have called this 'proof' but I don't need 'proof'. It just feels good to finally be living it; I'm not sure how to explain that. It's like I have come into my own. This is me! and I love it.

( I have this 'crowd blindness' ) so when Nimajn and I picked Aurilion up from the airport, I was worried that I would not spot zir because the flow of people was moving so fast. I needn't have worried! Ze spotted me, yelled "BEL!", dashed over and barreled into me, almost knocking me over, and hugged me so tightly ze squeezed out my air. Then ze kissed me and I automatically turned my cheek to zir before I realized that ze was aiming for my mouth -- then I turned back to kiss zir on the lips.

My first same-sex kiss! My first kiss with anyone-not-Nimajn! My first mouth-kiss in public in YEARS! I was quite intoxicated from the newness of it and beamed and stumbled my way out of the airport, holding hands and swinging arms delightedly. As Nimajn drove us home (such a wonderful gift ♥), Aurilion and I sat in the back seat and kissed and kissed and kissed. Oh God/dess, such kisses ♥

Throughout the visit, I was hyper-aware of touch in public. This was really weird for me because I'm used to being almost defiantly affectionate with my female-bodied friends in public, and I know I have been assumed to be lesbian many times. But it being actually romantic made it feel SO DIFFERENT. I felt so much shyer. At first I was like "wtf, Bel, is this internalized homophobia? I thought you were way past that!" And as I thought about it I realized that I would have felt the same if Aurilion had been male, so that wasn't the reason. Instead, I think it was because: I've only experienced romance with a person who has not liked public displays of affection, and thus I have been 'trained' for the past 6+ years to reserve my romantic stuff for privacy; I'm still getting over the fear that people will think I am cheating on Nimajn and therefore dishonest; and most of all it's just new on so many levels! Most people have more than one romance before getting married, and I had never even held hands with anyone except Nimajn until this week. I felt so young and inexperienced! I felt SHY. The shyness faded pretty quickly, but the wonder-at-newness remained. It's so. freaking. amazing.

I think part of me feels 'legitimized' in a way. Like, I have known that I'm bisexual and polyamorous for a long time now but I had never experienced an actual bi-poly relationship in practice. I'm glad it didn't happen earlier because I would have called this 'proof' but I don't need 'proof'. It just feels good to finally be living it; I'm not sure how to explain that. It's like I have come into my own. This is me! and I love it.

Time for massive revelations -- it has been such a crazy few weeks. Where the heaven to begin?

( a little backstory )

In February, Aurilion (aurilion) commented on my journal and I responded saying that I would be willing to begin a friendship again anytime. Ze re-friended me and we started emailing back and forth, and a month later ze proposed a romantic relationship. I was absolutely shocked and thrilled at the idea, and spent a few days talking to my partner and Hannah before deciding to take this risk and begin an amazing new journey.

About a week after Aurilion proposed this, Hannah (shioneh) let me know that ze had realized ze was polyamorous, and was also interested in a romantic relationship with me! I was laughing at the amazing amount of newness in my life, but I felt ready for it, so I agreed to explore that with zir also. A few days after THAT, Aurilion told Hannah that ze was interested in ZIR. Hannah wasn't sure if ze was ready for that, having just realized zir identity as polyamorous and not having had a lot of time to process, but for a few days while ze and zir partner Nick discussed it, Aurilion and Hannah and I experienced a triad of sorts. The energy was beyond amazing, and we all felt the incredible rightness of it, but Hannah realized that it wasn't the right time for zir, that an additional relationship would move zir beyond what ze could handle. Aurilion understood, and so at this point they are both with me but not with each other, and we all have a deep friendship together. I do feel that we will have a romantic triad at some point in the future but I don't know when.

A little after this, Ashley (Aurilion's ex, my former friend) contacted Aurilion again, ( ... )

Also, somewhere in there I start talking to Ava pretty much every day, which is just as earth-shattering a development as the other things (in a different way) because ze is my spirit-kin. I feel that I have a vivid violet spirit and I feel that ze has a violet spirit also, a little deeper in tone. I feel an intensely strong tie to zir; ze is one of my eternal connections.

And what does my partner think of all this? Ze is pretty relaxed about it, overall. At first ze was rather uncertain, because ze doesn't know Aurilion, but after the initial discussions ze became more comfortable with it. Since then, we've experienced SUCH rapid and beautiful growth in our relationship, because I am filled with all this extra love energy and naturally I share it with zir. The other night we had this... incredible breakthrough in something that had been a hidden issue for years. It was one of those seemingly small things that festers when one tries to ignore it -- and wow, the difference now! (dunno if ze would be comfortable with me sharing it so I won't) Ze gave me cuddles today, of zir own idea (which is very unusual!). :D

( so much incredible change... as I affirmed! )

I have felt unable to post about this until now because ( ... )

And how I feel about all this... wow. Awed, and grateful beyond measure... filled with renewed faith and joy and love and hope! I have all these beautiful new realizations, and I have been learning SO MUCH. I feel sooo alive! so -- blessed, and cherished, and love. And I'm so, so in love with my amazing girlfriends *thrills* (I have girlfriends!) Aurilion is helping me to awaken all the dormant parts of my heart, and Hannah is helping me to shine out again... really, both of them build my faith with every word we share. And I'm seeing these amazing changes in them also... such strength and beauty and glowing growth. It's almost overwhelming -- it's ocean waves of joy and magic, not enough to drag me under but just enough to toss me around playfully. It's watching a sapling put forth bright spring leaves, so delicate yet so fast! It's the unfolding of sweetest mimosa blossoms, a flurry of tendrils dancing in every chance wind. Oh God/dess! I'm so happy. I'll go more into the experience of our connections in later posts. ♥

And Aurilion is coming to visit me in 21 days! And I go to see Hannah in 43 days! (when I started writing this the numbers were 22 and 44 ♥)

palm to palm, open
just touching, not holding; we
trust this connection

Time for massive revelations -- it has been such a crazy few weeks. Where the heaven to begin?

( a little backstory )

In February, Aurilion (aurilion) commented on my journal and I responded saying that I would be willing to begin a friendship again anytime. Ze re-friended me and we started emailing back and forth, and a month later ze proposed a romantic relationship. I was absolutely shocked and thrilled at the idea, and spent a few days talking to my partner and Hannah before deciding to take this risk and begin an amazing new journey.

About a week after Aurilion proposed this, Hannah (shioneh) let me know that ze had realized ze was polyamorous, and was also interested in a romantic relationship with me! I was laughing at the amazing amount of newness in my life, but I felt ready for it, so I agreed to explore that with zir also. A few days after THAT, Aurilion told Hannah that ze was interested in ZIR. Hannah wasn't sure if ze was ready for that, having just realized zir identity as polyamorous and not having had a lot of time to process, but for a few days while ze and zir partner Nick discussed it, Aurilion and Hannah and I experienced a triad of sorts. The energy was beyond amazing, and we all felt the incredible rightness of it, but Hannah realized that it wasn't the right time for zir, that an additional relationship would move zir beyond what ze could handle. Aurilion understood, and so at this point they are both with me but not with each other, and we all have a deep friendship together. I do feel that we will have a romantic triad at some point in the future but I don't know when.

A little after this, Ashley (Aurilion's ex, my former friend) contacted Aurilion again, ( ... )

Also, somewhere in there I start talking to Ava pretty much every day, which is just as earth-shattering a development as the other things (in a different way) because ze is my spirit-kin. I feel that I have a vivid violet spirit and I feel that ze has a violet spirit also, a little deeper in tone. I feel an intensely strong tie to zir; ze is one of my eternal connections.

And what does my partner think of all this? Ze is pretty relaxed about it, overall. At first ze was rather uncertain, because ze doesn't know Aurilion, but after the initial discussions ze became more comfortable with it. Since then, we've experienced SUCH rapid and beautiful growth in our relationship, because I am filled with all this extra love energy and naturally I share it with zir. The other night we had this... incredible breakthrough in something that had been a hidden issue for years. It was one of those seemingly small things that festers when one tries to ignore it -- and wow, the difference now! (dunno if ze would be comfortable with me sharing it so I won't) Ze gave me cuddles today, of zir own idea (which is very unusual!). :D

( so much incredible change... as I affirmed! )

I have felt unable to post about this until now because ( ... )

And how I feel about all this... wow. Awed, and grateful beyond measure... filled with renewed faith and joy and love and hope! I have all these beautiful new realizations, and I have been learning SO MUCH. I feel sooo alive! so -- blessed, and cherished, and love. And I'm so, so in love with my amazing girlfriends *thrills* (I have girlfriends!) Aurilion is helping me to awaken all the dormant parts of my heart, and Hannah is helping me to shine out again... really, both of them build my faith with every word we share. And I'm seeing these amazing changes in them also... such strength and beauty and glowing growth. It's almost overwhelming -- it's ocean waves of joy and magic, not enough to drag me under but just enough to toss me around playfully. It's watching a sapling put forth bright spring leaves, so delicate yet so fast! It's the unfolding of sweetest mimosa blossoms, a flurry of tendrils dancing in every chance wind. Oh God/dess! I'm so happy. I'll go more into the experience of our connections in later posts. ♥

And Aurilion is coming to visit me in 21 days! And I go to see Hannah in 43 days! (when I started writing this the numbers were 22 and 44 ♥)

palm to palm, open
just touching, not holding; we
trust this connection

Note: I've changed my philosophies since this post

I'm polyamorous. For me, this means that I am open to multiple committed relationships, and I am open to sexual experiences (with my partners and with others) for the sake of the growth and connection that they offer.

Updated from my first post on polyamory: I believe healthy sex is a human-to-human experience of emotional and spiritual intimacy, a temporary blending into one being. I believe that every time you have sex with someone, there is a spiritual exchange -- you get a tiny piece of their spirit, and they get a tiny part of yours. The more you have sex with them, the more you exchange, and it builds the bonds between you.

For me to have sex with a person, I need the following:

mutual love & respect

I believe sex is a sacred act and needs the presence of love so that both partners are treated with full respect and honor. I see love and respect as inextricably connected. Respect recognizes oneself and the other person as having infinite worth, neither having more or less -- and I think when you see people that way you cannot help but love them.

mutual connection

This isn't easily definable, but roughly explained it is a sense that you are part of one another, bonded in some ethereal way. Both I and the other person would have to feel/recognise/believe in this.

similar view of sex

Both seeing sex as not only as a physical thing but also an instrument to increase growth and connection. And seeing sex as a co-creating project where both parties give and receive, both are active. Seeing sex as something that is not done TO someone, it is done WITH someone. I also don't think I could have sex with someone who wanted to include pain, objectifying, humiliation, or any sort of command, as I don't find those things respectful. (I like wrestling/passionate pursuit -- just not anything that imitates force or coercion)

honesty & openness

honesty: telling the truth, refraining from lying or deceiving. and openness: sharing truth freely, without prompting.

the agreement of my partner(s)

( fairly self-explanatory but I explain anyway )

((am no longer in a partnership, need to update this post))
I used to see sex as something that needed the frame of a partnership, because I felt that sex was such an intense vulnerability that it needed the safety of mutual history, mutual goals, shared life that is not easily untangled. But now, I see sex as an opportunity for so much growth in love that it is worth the risk of being broken. And I feel like I have survived having my heart broken so many times that I can survive it again, and like all the times before, the brokenness will not be more than the joy and growth. If a broken heart is the payment for experiences of love-joy-connection, I am willing to pay.

So, sex is never casual to me, but I no longer feel that I need a lifelong commitment to explore it with someone. I see sex as the most spiritual act we can perform with our bodies -- I see it like prayer. It's magic -- it has the power to transform. And like prayer, sex that is done hastily without much thought does not have much creative power. But sex done with loving, conscious choice is possibly the most powerful thing in this realm of existence.

I'm polyamorous. For me, this means that I am open to multiple committed relationships, and I am open to sexual experiences (with my partners and with others) for the sake of the growth and connection that they offer.

Updated from my first post on polyamory: I believe healthy sex is a human-to-human experience of emotional and spiritual intimacy, a temporary blending into one being. I believe that every time you have sex with someone, there is a spiritual exchange -- you get a tiny piece of their spirit, and they get a tiny part of yours. The more you have sex with them, the more you exchange, and it builds the bonds between you.

For me to have sex with a person, I need the following:

mutual love & respect

I believe sex is a sacred act and needs the presence of love so that both partners are treated with full respect and honor. I see love and respect as inextricably connected. Respect recognizes oneself and the other person as having infinite worth, neither having more or less -- and I think when you see people that way you cannot help but love them.

mutual connection

This isn't easily definable, but roughly explained it is a sense that you are part of one another, bonded in some ethereal way. Both I and the other person would have to feel/recognise/believe in this.

similar view of sex

Both seeing sex as not only as a physical thing but also an instrument to increase growth and connection. And seeing sex as a co-creating project where both parties give and receive, both are active. Seeing sex as something that is not done TO someone, it is done WITH someone. I also don't think I could have sex with someone who wanted to include pain, restraints, objectifying, or any sort of command, as I don't find those things respectful. (I like wrestling/passionate pursuit -- just not anything that imitates force or coercion)

honesty & openness

honesty: telling the truth, refraining from lying or deceiving. and openness: sharing truth freely, without prompting.

the agreement of my partner(s)

( fairly self-explanatory but I explain anyway )

I used to see sex as something that needed the frame of a partnership, because I felt that sex was such an intense vulnerability that it needed the safety of mutual history, mutual goals, shared life that is not easily untangled. But now, I see sex as an opportunity for so much growth in love that it is worth the risk of being broken. And I feel like I have survived having my heart broken so many times that I can survive it again, and like all the times before, the brokenness will not be more than the joy and growth. If a broken heart is the payment for experiences of love-joy-connection, I am willing to pay.

So, sex is never casual to me, but I no longer feel that I need a lifelong commitment to explore it with someone. I see sex as the most spiritual act we can perform with our bodies -- I see it like prayer. It's magic -- it has the power to transform. And like prayer, sex that is done hastily without much thought does not have much creative power. But sex done with loving, conscious choice is possibly the most powerful thing in this realm of existence.

... the post you've all been waiting for! ;-)

When sexually cheating on a partner is a repeated behavior, I have sympathy only for the one cheated on, as I see the cheater as a liar. But the one-time-slip-up kind of cheating? Part of me finds it horrible and destructive and selfish, but a large part of me feels intense sympathy for the cheater. Maybe this is because I've had so many dreams about 'accidentally' cheating on Ben, because (in dream reality) I forgot I was with him. I know this isn't logical in real life, but my subconscious says that there is a kind of insanity, a kind of drug-rush, that can happen in almost the same way. Like a person dying of thirst might kill someone for water, no matter how much of a pacifist they might be. Don't get me wrong -- I still think it is a horrible thing to do, and not permissible or excusable in any way -- I just... feel for both parties. Especially when the cheater genuinely loved the person they cheated on.

( I used to be absolutely petrified that I would accidentally cheat on Ben... )

Some people have the mistaken concept that polyamory means cheating when nobody is allowed to get mad about it. Not so! Cheating breaks a polyamorous relationship just as it breaks a monogamous one. Cheating is promising a person something and then not giving it; in monogamy, it means telling a person that you won't share sex with anyone else, and then doing it anyway and turning your promise into a lie. Cheating hurts because it breaks trust, because it is the biggest lie you can tell. Cheating is breaking the rules, whichever those are. Monogamy and polyamory have different rules, and make different promises. It is just as possible to cheat in a polyamorous relationship! For instance, Ben and I have the promise that we will get the other person's approval before embarking on any romantic relationship, because we trust each other to have the wisdom and generosity to help us choose the right people. If we were to have an additional romantic relationship WITHOUT getting approval from the other, that would be breaking the rules of our relationship and cheating.

Some believe that cheating hurts because an individual only has 100 points of love they can give at a time, and if they give to two people then each person only gets 50 instead of 100 -- less than they deserve, less than they can live on. But love doesn't work like that! It's not measurable or divisible. When you give love back and forth it increases on both sides, it doesn't stay the same amount -- that's the magic of it. And your heart doesn't have role-slots to be filled by specific people -- you can love more than one person with your WHOLE heart. Sometimes one person might be drained or hurting and not have a lot of love to give, but that is true of a monogamous or polyamorous relationship, with one difference: in a polyamorous relationship, the hurting one has more than one lover to pour into them and help them get back on their feet. A person does have limits, but some people have a limit of several partners rather than one.

Because this post is kinda all over the place, have some links to help clarify: a site that answers common questions about / reactions to polyamory & why I am polyamorous.

... the post you've all been waiting for! ;-)

When sexually cheating on a partner is a repeated behavior, I have sympathy only for the one cheated on, as I see the cheater as a liar. But the one-time-slip-up kind of cheating? Part of me finds it horrible and destructive and selfish, but a large part of me feels intense sympathy for the cheater. Maybe this is because I've had so many dreams about 'accidentally' cheating on Ben, because (in dream reality) I forgot I was with him. I know this isn't logical in real life, but my subconscious says that there is a kind of insanity, a kind of drug-rush, that can happen in almost the same way. Like a person dying of thirst might kill someone for water, no matter how much of a pacifist they might be. Don't get me wrong -- I still think it is a horrible thing to do, and not permissible or excusable in any way -- I just... feel for both parties. Especially when the cheater genuinely loved the person they cheated on.

( I used to be absolutely petrified that I would accidentally cheat on Ben... )

Some people have the mistaken concept that polyamory means cheating when nobody is allowed to get mad about it. Not so! Cheating breaks a polyamorous relationship just as it breaks a monogamous one. Cheating is promising a person something and then not giving it; in monogamy, it means telling a person that you won't share sex with anyone else, and then doing it anyway and turning your promise into a lie. Cheating hurts because it breaks trust, because it is the biggest lie you can tell. Cheating is breaking the rules, whichever those are. Monogamy and polyamory have different rules, and make different promises. It is just as possible to cheat in a polyamorous relationship! For instance, Ben and I have the promise that we will get the other person's approval before embarking on any romantic relationship, because we trust each other to have the wisdom and generosity to help us choose the right people. If we were to have an additional romantic relationship WITHOUT getting approval from the other, that would be breaking the rules of our relationship and cheating.

Some believe that cheating hurts because an individual only has 100 points of love they can give at a time, and if they give to two people then each person only gets 50 instead of 100 -- less than they deserve, less than they can live on. But love doesn't work like that! It's not measurable or divisible. When you give love back and forth it increases on both sides, it doesn't stay the same amount -- that's the magic of it. And your heart doesn't have role-slots to be filled by specific people -- you can love more than one person with your WHOLE heart. Sometimes one person might be drained or hurting and not have a lot of love to give, but that is true of a monogamous or polyamorous relationship, with one difference: in a polyamorous relationship, the hurting one has more than one lover to pour into them and help them get back on their feet. A person does have limits, but some people have a limit of several partners rather than one.

Because this post is kinda all over the place, have some links to help clarify: a site that answers common questions about / reactions to polyamory & why I am polyamorous.

Words and actions are like clothing; we can express ourselves with them, but they cannot describe the person we are. They can hint, they can shout, but they cannot sum us up. People are simply too complex, and too much of us exists in a place where no one can see actions or hear words. The only label that has any worth is our self-label: the words we choose to dress ourselves in. And even those have no worth until we explain our own meaning for them.

On that note, here are the words I wear: spiritual, creative, honest, open, compassionate, bisexual, polyamorous, partnered, nuevo-gypsy, Georgian, curvy body-positive, fiercely individualistic, feminist/equalist, genderfree female-bodied person. (in no particular order) And my definitions:

spiritual: I don't adhere to any one religion, but believe in whatever resonates with me. The main belief systems I draw from are ancient Egyptian concepts (including aspects of Kemetic Orthodoxy), Native American animism, Christianity, and Buddhism (I don't know much about it but I really love Hotei). I worship God/dess, and have a relationship with several of hir personalities, of Christian and Kemetic names. Ultimately I believe God/dess is love, that the physical world is a metaphor for the spiritual world, and that we chose to come to earth to learn how to love more. I believe everything is connected, all things have a spirit and a name, and there is no such thing as a coincidence.

creative: I am one who creates. I do my best to create love in myself and others, and to pour myself out in my creations: my writing, photography, modeling, beadweaving, painting, dancing, singing -- whatever way I can. I believe that every act of creation ripples out and changes the world (as does destruction, but that in a negative way). Even if no one ever sees my art, I feel I have changed the world simply by creating it (though I think it has even more power when shared).

honest: I do my best to never lie. I think 'little white lies' are like 'little white maggots' that infest connectedness and ruin it. Even one 'little white maggot' in a bowl of soup is going to make you not want to eat it -- I feel the same way about lies. If you can't trust me on something small, how can you trust me with your heart? also, little white maggotlies are usually born from insecurity in the relationship, or lack of willingness to work out all issues. 'I don't want to offend her' or 'I don't want conflict.' Conflict is the best source of growth. I say brrrrring it oooooooon.

open: I will share myself with my friends without prompting, and I will share myself with strangers upon them showing the interest to know. I think every time one person shares themselves with another, that creates more of a connection and ripples out to affect the whole world. To me, honesty is giving truth when it is asked for (passive), and openness is offering your truth (active).

compassionate: My most intense passion in life is to learn, in order to grow, and to grow, in order to love - more deeply, more freely, more openly. I believe love is my purpose for being. The more I love people, the easier it gets, because I come to understand them more, and when you truly understand a person, it's the easiest and most natural thing in the world to love them. I believe that at core we are all amazing, glorious spirits of incalculable worth. We all have a level of brokenness that keeps our spirits from being able to shine as they were meant to, but every act of love ripples out a wave of healing.

bisexual: ( ... )
polyamorous: ( ... )
partnered: ( ... )
nuevo-gypsy, Georgian: ( ... )
curvy body-positive: ( ... )
fiercely individualistic: ( ... )
feminist/equalist: ( ... )
nudist: ( ... )
genderfree female-bodied person: ( ... )

LJ idol topic 0: introduction/open topic (no voting this round!)

Words and actions are like clothing; we can express ourselves with them, but they cannot describe the person we are. They can hint, they can shout, but they cannot sum us up. People are simply too complex, and too much of us exists in a place where no one can see actions or hear words. The only label that has any worth is our self-label: the words we choose to dress ourselves in. And even those have no worth until we explain our own meaning for them.

On that note, here are the words I wear: spiritual, creative, honest, open, compassionate, bisexual, polyamorous, partnered, nuevo-gypsy, Georgian, curvy body-positive, fiercely individualistic, feminist/equalist, genderfree female-bodied person. (in no particular order) And my definitions:

spiritual: I don't adhere to any one religion, but believe in whatever resonates with me. The main belief systems I draw from are ancient Egyptian concepts (including aspects of Kemetic Orthodoxy), Native American animism, Christianity, and Buddhism (I don't know much about it but I really love Hotei). I worship God/dess, and have a relationship with several of hir personalities, of Christian and Kemetic names. Ultimately I believe God/dess is love, that the physical world is a metaphor for the spiritual world, and that we chose to come to earth to learn how to love more. I believe everything is connected, all things have a spirit and a name, and there is no such thing as a coincidence.

creative: I am one who creates. I do my best to create love in myself and others, and to pour myself out in my creations: my writing, photography, modeling, beadweaving, painting, dancing, singing -- whatever way I can. I believe that every act of creation ripples out and changes the world (as does destruction, but that in a negative way). Even if no one ever sees my art, I feel I have changed the world simply by creating it (though I think it has even more power when shared).

honest: I do my best to never lie. I think 'little white lies' are like 'little white maggots' that infest connectedness and ruin it. Even one 'little white maggot' in a bowl of soup is going to make you not want to eat it -- I feel the same way about lies. If you can't trust me on something small, how can you trust me with your heart? also, little white maggotlies are usually born from insecurity in the relationship, or lack of willingness to work out all issues. 'I don't want to offend her' or 'I don't want conflict.' Conflict is the best source of growth. I say brrrrring it oooooooon.

open: I will share myself with my friends without prompting, and I will share myself with strangers upon them showing the interest to know. I think every time one person shares themselves with another, that creates more of a connection and ripples out to affect the whole world. To me, honesty is giving truth when it is asked for (passive), and openness is offering your truth (active).

compassionate: My most intense passion in life is to learn, in order to grow, and to grow, in order to love - more deeply, more freely, more openly. I believe love is my purpose for being. The more I love people, the easier it gets, because I come to understand them more, and when you truly understand a person, it's the easiest and most natural thing in the world to love them. I believe that at core we are all amazing, glorious spirits of incalculable worth. We all have a level of brokenness that keeps our spirits from being able to shine as they were meant to, but every act of love ripples out a wave of healing.

bisexual: ( ... )
polyamorous: ( ... )
partnered: ( ... )
nuevo-gypsy, Georgian: ( ... )
curvy body-positive: ( ... )
fiercely individualistic: ( ... )
feminist/equalist: ( ... )
nudist: ( ... )
genderfree female-bodied person: ( ... )

LJ idol topic 0: introduction/open topic (no voting this round!)

I have so much to say... Meliae called me Wednesday and I must have talked nonstop for at least half an hour just summarizing all that has gone on! To uncork the bottle:

- my camera broke! :-( Halfway through the visit, it stopped going into shooting mode, and I left it alone for a while before replacing the batteries (it did that before on low battery), and when I finally put new batteries in it still didn't work. I've been without a camera for like three weeks now and it's really depressing. :-( For a long while now I've been carrying it everywhere, it's become a big part of my life and now it's gone... It's 3.5 years old, so it was its time I guess, but that doesn't make me feel better. Rest in peace, Spyder.
- Hannah's visit was by turns beautiful, horrible, exciting, dull, healing, & painful. She left early for several reasons, mainly because we just didn't have the energy to balance against each other for another 2 weeks. The visit was really draining, but really important, and very necessary. I have a loooooot to write about that, don't want to get started right now.
- Meeting Nick was awesome! I want to make a post about it so I'll save details for later.
- my partner and I have been working on our relationship, with huge steps forward... also deserves a post of its own!
- My parents have invited my partner and I to go on vacation with them and lil sis at the end of August and we've accepted. o.0
- I'm worried that I'm being frozen out by some friends who are really important to me, and I've been too wimpy so far to confront the issue.
- I'm sooooo disappointed that Meliae can only visit for 3 days. I had it in my head that she was going to stay a week (don't assume, Bel!) and now I'm sad... but still very happy that I get to meet her soon.
- Last Saturday I went to church for the first time in over a year! It was fantastic and I've been looking for churches to try. I went looking for GLBT inclusive ones and they all seemed too conservative -- wtf? it was like they thought they had to make up for their 'progressiveness' by having bland (to my taste) worship, wearing fancy clothes and having traditional-style preaching. But I found a few that seemed interesting enough to try.
- I spent ages today catching up on approving members to the curvygirls comm! finally caught up. I've been such a bad mod for the past month.

Hopefully I will be getting back into LJ f'real now. I didn't have time to do more than skim during the visit, so please give me links to any recent posts of yours that you think I'd find especially interesting or that you want my input on!

I have so much to say... Meliae called me Wednesday and I must have talked nonstop for at least half an hour just summarizing all that has gone on! To uncork the bottle:

- my camera broke! :-( Halfway through the visit, it stopped going into shooting mode, and I left it alone for a while before replacing the batteries (it did that before on low battery), and when I finally put new batteries in it still didn't work. I've been without a camera for like three weeks now and it's really depressing. :-( For a long while now I've been carrying it everywhere, it's become a big part of my life and now it's gone... It's 3.5 years old, so it was its time I guess, but that doesn't make me feel better. Rest in peace, Spyder.
- Hannah's visit was by turns beautiful, horrible, exciting, dull, healing, & painful. She left early for several reasons, mainly because we just didn't have the energy to balance against each other for another 2 weeks. The visit was really draining, but really important, and very necessary. I have a loooooot to write about that, don't want to get started right now.
- Meeting Nick was awesome! I want to make a post about it so I'll save details for later.
- my partner and I have been working on our relationship, with huge steps forward... also deserves a post of its own!
- My parents have invited my partner and I to go on vacation with them and lil sis at the end of August and we've accepted. o.0
- I'm worried that I'm being frozen out by some friends who are really important to me, and I've been too wimpy so far to confront the issue.
- I'm sooooo disappointed that Meliae can only visit for 3 days. I had it in my head that she was going to stay a week (don't assume, Bel!) and now I'm sad... but still very happy that I get to meet her soon.
- Last Saturday I went to church for the first time in over a year! It was fantastic and I've been looking for churches to try. I went looking for GLBT inclusive ones and they all seemed too conservative -- wtf? it was like they thought they had to make up for their 'progressiveness' by having bland (to my taste) worship, wearing fancy clothes and having traditional-style preaching. But I found a few that seemed interesting enough to try.
- I spent ages today catching up on approving members to the curvygirls comm! finally caught up. I've been such a bad mod for the past month.

Hopefully I will be getting back into LJ f'real now. I didn't have time to do more than skim during the visit, so please give me links to any recent posts of yours that you think I'd find especially interesting or that you want my input on!

disclaimer: this is true FOR ME: I'm not saying it is universal truth.

Note: I've changed my philosophies since this post

I'm polyamorous; that has different meanings for different people, so I will define it for me. To me, polyamory is a philosophy that involves being open to more than one committed, sexual relationship. For me, it does not include casual sex, though it may include sex with deep friends who are not romantically involved with me (that is an aspect I am undecided on, for now).

I believe healthy sex is a human-to-human expression of emotional and spiritual intimacy. I believe that every time you have sex with someone, there is a spiritual exchange -- you get a tiny piece of their spirit, and they get a tiny part of yours. The more you have sex with them, the more you exchange. I do think that over time, your given-away-parts come back to you (and you can do spiritual work to make them come back faster), but it takes a while -- the length of time depends on how many times you had sex with them, and how intense each experience was. For this reason I believe casual sex is very unhealthy, because you're accepting parts of people who may be bad for you, and you're giving away a part of you that they may not be worthy of. I define casual sex as: sex with people whom you do not know well and/or do not love. I feel that you need to know them in order to judge if they are good for you, and you need to love them because sex is a sacred act and needs the presence of love so that both partners are treated with full respect and honor. So I would only have sex with someone I mutually knew well, loved, and was reasonably sure that they'd be in my life for a long time (in order to keep the parts of my spirit in my life until such time as I wanted to call them back). And for now, at least, they'd also have to be soulfriends with me, because I would need to have that level of intimacy and trust. There are many many people I find attractive, but even though they might make me flush or make my heart beat fast, if they don't also stir my spirit, I don't want to have sex with them.

So why would I want more than one partner? Partly, for balance -- I feel like (for ME) a two-person relationship is wobbly -- like if you had two pegs connected by a wire, they'd be pretty easily pushed over. But if you have three pegs, connected in a triangle, it's not as easy for them to fall. As the Bible says (haha!) "A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Because in a relationship of two, if one person is weakened, the other has no support -- in a relationship of three, it is far more likely that there will be at least one person strong enough to support at any given time. But even though a triad would be my 'ideal' relationship shape, I'm open to a 'V,' where I have two partners who are not involved with each other (as long as they were open to attempting soulfriendship with each other). Or other configurations, of course.

Another reason is simply the fact that I've never so much as held hands with anyone except my partner. (not to mention kissing!) And I didn't know my own sexuality until years after I married my partner, so I never explored that either. I know that if I had learned it earlier, I would probably have thought myself a lesbian, because my partner's the only man I've ever met that I would marry, I'm pretty sure. I don't regret it one tiny bit -- I wouldn't be the person I am if I hadn't followed the path I did -- but experiencing a romantic and sexual relationship with a woman is something that is very important to me. Also, I do not like the concept of restricting myself romantically/sexually to one person, because it makes me feel 'owned' -- I know this is not something everyone feels, but it's true for me. I want to decide based on what is right for me (I feel that what is truly right for the individual is right for the group). And I think that I would grow immensely from a second sexually intimate relationship, because she would share the experience of being a woman and we would connect in a totally different way, and because it would involve challenging the accepted paradigms. Most of all, there is a place in my heart that is waiting for her. ♥ (I'm not completely closed to the idea of another man in my life, but I don't actively desire it)

( discussing it with my partner, why now )

disclaimer: this is true FOR ME: I'm not saying it is universal truth.

I'm polyamorous; that has different meanings for different people, so I will define it for me. To me, polyamory is a philosophy that involves being open to more than one committed, sexual relationship. For me, it does not include casual sex, though it may include sex with deep friends who are not romantically involved with me (that is an aspect I am undecided on, for now).

I believe healthy sex is a human-to-human expression of emotional and spiritual intimacy. I believe that every time you have sex with someone, there is a spiritual exchange -- you get a tiny piece of their spirit, and they get a tiny part of yours. The more you have sex with them, the more you exchange. I do think that over time, your given-away-parts come back to you (and you can do spiritual work to make them come back faster), but it takes a while -- the length of time depends on how many times you had sex with them, and how intense each experience was. For this reason I believe casual sex is very unhealthy, because you're accepting parts of people who may be bad for you, and you're giving away a part of you that they may not be worthy of. I define casual sex as: sex with people whom you do not know well and/or do not love. I feel that you need to know them in order to judge if they are good for you, and you need to love them because sex is a sacred act and needs the presence of love so that both partners are treated with full respect and honor. So I would only have sex with someone I mutually knew well, loved, and was reasonably sure that they'd be in my life for a long time (in order to keep the parts of my spirit in my life until such time as I wanted to call them back). And for now, at least, they'd also have to be soulfriends with me, because I would need to have that level of intimacy and trust. There are many many people I find attractive, but even though they might make me flush or make my heart beat fast, if they don't also stir my spirit, I don't want to have sex with them.

So why would I want more than one partner? Partly, for balance -- I feel like (for ME) a two-person relationship is wobbly -- like if you had two pegs connected by a wire, they'd be pretty easily pushed over. But if you have three pegs, connected in a triangle, it's not as easy for them to fall. As the Bible says (haha!) "A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Because in a relationship of two, if one person is weakened, the other has no support -- in a relationship of three, it is far more likely that there will be at least one person strong enough to support at any given time. But even though a triad would be my 'ideal' relationship shape, I'm open to a 'V,' where I have two partners who are not involved with each other (as long as they were open to attempting soulfriendship with each other). Or other configurations, of course.

Another reason is simply the fact that I've never so much as held hands with anyone except my partner. (not to mention kissing!) And I didn't know my own sexuality until years after I married my partner, so I never explored that either. I know that if I had learned it earlier, I would probably have thought myself a lesbian, because my partner's the only man I've ever met that I would marry, I'm pretty sure. I don't regret it one tiny bit -- I wouldn't be the person I am if I hadn't followed the path I did -- but experiencing a romantic and sexual relationship with a woman is something that is very important to me. Also, I do not like the concept of restricting myself romantically/sexually to one person, because it makes me feel 'owned' -- I know this is not something everyone feels, but it's true for me. I want to decide based on what is right for me (I feel that what is truly right for the individual is right for the group). And I think that I would grow immensely from a second sexually intimate relationship, because she would share the experience of being a woman and we would connect in a totally different way, and because it would involve challenging the accepted paradigms. Most of all, there is a place in my heart that is waiting for her. ♥ (I'm not completely closed to the idea of another man in my life, but I don't actively desire it)

( discussing it with my partner, why now )

Tuesday I dreamed that I had a huge beautiful room, three stories tall, full of light from skylights and windows, very expressive of me. But when I walked in there were horrible things written in some kind of gooey bright red blood all over the walls, all over my paintings and posters -- things written about me. And these things showed a knowledge of me so I knew it was a friend of mine... and then I pulled a blanket off of my bulletin board and saw smaller notes, including an apology and then I knew who it was, an old friend of mine whom I call my eviltwin. It may have been dream play-on-words, saying that part of myself was saying those things about me... maybe.

I also dreamed that I was going to marry one man (B) when I realized I was already married to another (A), had been for like a year. And A was more important to me, A was fascinating and complex and wild, if somewhat distant, so I was going to cancel my wedding (which was set for just a few hours from my realization) even though I was horribly torn because B was incredibly tender and sweet, gave me the feeling of being satiated, fulfilled, replete. A always left me hungry, and I couldn't understand why I would choose him... I ended up talking to him on the phone (he was in some far away place?) and he suggested that I just marry B too and bring him, which made my heart leap. I ran to talk to B and he agreed with no hesitation so I thought the hell with the ceremony and we just left on my kind, six-legged mammoth-y creature that was at least 8 times as big as an elephant, and we went galloping across roads and a very strange mostly-submerged bridge in swampy land... and at the end the three of us were in some kind of flying device, suspended far above the land. I felt so incredibly ALIVE, so loved, so very very loved that they would be willing to share me so that I would feel this perfection of joy.