I've been thinking about my definitions of friendship: this is an update of friendships are important / my levels of relationship for everyone. I have four levels:

1) friendly acquaintances / "casual friends":

• people who are respectful and want to connect with me.


• people who I care about, but don't know well yet.


• people who I know share at least some of my values, but that is all I know.


• we interact at least indirectly at least twice a year.

Most, if not all, of our interactions are indirect: reacting to each other's posts, but not commenting much or not commenting very in-depth. This is most of my facebook friends list.

2) part of my tribe / "real friends":

Just ONE of these things puts you in the "real friends" category for me (When I say "I can trust" I mean, I know through experience that it is true):

• I can trust you to tell me that you don't like something I did, or that you want me to change my behavior in some way.


• If I did something that seems to come from a shitty motive, I can trust you to ask about my motives rather than assuming bad of me.


• You read my longer posts and care about them, especially the more personal ones.


• I can trust you to tell me you disagree even when you think I won't like it.


• I interact with you regularly, and you regularly reply and regularly share with me.


• You have shared meaningful personal stories with me at least a few times.

The difference in how I treat people who I consider part of my tribe is that I try to initiate communication more often, though that depends on how they communicate over distance. I do this primarily through direct messages on snapchat or through texting photos back and forth, because that is a low-spoons activity that makes me feel connected. When I have the time, energy, and space to set up gathers, these are the people who I invite.

I deliberately build intimacy with these people. If they say something that I find hurtful or upsetting, I will make an effort to express this to hopefully decrease the block to connection. If I feel like I might have upset them, I reach out to see if they are okay, if they need anything from me, and if there is something I should do differently in the future.

3) core tribe / "best friends":

These are people who know me very well, who have ALL of the traits listed above, and who also nourish me by:

• initiating connection with me at least half as often as I do with you.


• sharing your thoughts and feelings in a self-aware and reflective way.


• expressing affection for or appreciation of me at least a few times a year.


• being creative, making or modifying things, and/or learning -- and sharing what you learned or created.


• listening to me talk about something upsetting without trying to make me feel better or assuming that I haven't tried.


• being silly and playful together.


• challenging me to grow, and being willing to be challenged.

The difference in how I treat these people is that I want to include them in any social thing I do; I try to see them in person at least once a month, if possible, but often it is not possible because most of my core tribe is long-distance and almost everyone is neuro-divergent and has a hard time making and keeping plans. What usually ends up happening is that I see them about once every two months if they are local and once or twice a year if they are not.

4) life-sharers / "spouses":

These are people who have all of the traits listed above, and also:

• We check in with each other before making big decisions.


• We turn to each other if we need comfort.


• We communicate every day, usually multiple times a day.


• We spend time together in person and/or have real-time conversations at least twice a week.


• We are comfortable asking each other for help when we are in physical or financial need.


• We have a lot of experience giving and receiving "no" with each other and find it easy.


• We tell each other about any difficult emotion that comes up because of each other's behavior, as soon as we have processed it enough and have the energy to express, and we make that a priority.

For me, romantic and sexual relationships are just friendship with sex and/or romance attached. The way I rank my relationships is by the friendship part, so "spouse" (or the term I prefer, life-sharer) is a kind of friendship and I don't need my life-sharers to be sexual or romantic with me.

Kroger clicklist pickup service has changed my life for the better and I heartily recommend it to anyone who can afford the small fee and has a motor or social disability (and lives near a Kroger). The first 3 times are free and after that there is a $5 fee each time (plus tip if you want to do that -- it has to be in cash if so). Sometimes they have deals where if you buy certain items you get the pickup for free.

As a socially anxious, ADHD person I can't even describe how much work it is to weave around people and block out conversations and colors and words and unwanted items, especially now that my only times to go to the store are evenings and weekends. It is so hugely relieving to not have to manage that.

Even without clicklist, the Kroger app for android is incredibly useful. It allows you to add coupons to your card, shop sales, and save multiple grocery lists (saved items) as well as your cart (for pickup or delivery service). First you set your store, which allows you to search the entire store for an item you want (however you have to use whole words: "pap" won't bring up any items but "paper" will). When you search for an item you can add it to your cart and your list at the same time, or to just one of them. You can add to a list by manually entering items or by scanning in barcodes, and having a list makes it easy to find sales and coupons for the things you want.

The fact that I can shop by sales and coupons without getting distracted means that I can more than make up for the $5 it costs to use clicklist. I don't buy impulse items (unless there is a really great coupon or sale) and I don't forget to get things because I can add them to my cart the second I think of them, rather than having to wait and add them when I am in the store.

The fact that I don't have to be in the store after work or on the weekends means that:
* I get back at least 4 hours of my small amount of free time per month (I use clicklist about once every 2 weeks).
* I don't have to do a lot of difficult blocking out of sensation after a long day of cognitive labor.
* I don't have to sacrifice part of my 2 rest days to do hard mental and emotional work.
* I don't have to interact with more than one stranger in person.

Here's how I do it:

First I open the coupon section and sort by value. I scroll through and anytime I see something that I might want, I add that coupon to my card. When I get down to the low-value coupons I then switch to the "my coupons" tab and click on each coupon that I want to use on this trip. From the coupon details page, I scroll down and select the item I want from the list of things that match the coupon. Because everything is sorted this way I never mistakenly get things that don't match the coupon!

When I have done this with each coupon that I want to use, I then open my primary shopping list. On my primary shopping list I have everything I ever buy*. I scroll through and scan for the sale items, which are marked with a yellow and red highlighted price showing how much cheaper they are than usual. If it is on sale and I need it now or if it will store for a long time, I click on the picture of the item and then click "add to cart."

Finally, I look through my cart and consider what I have at home and what else I might need that goes with the things I am buying -- for example if I am buying eggs for french toast I get milk and bread if I don't already have those. When I am finished, I add instructions for any items I want substituted if they're out, and pick a time! at my Kroger you have to order at least 4 hours ahead of pickup, which stops at 8pm, but that's just enough time for me to get there after work.

They will even bring it out in crates unbagged so that you can bag it at the car (at least at my Kroger)! You do have to call the store when you arrive but it is a dedicated number and a series of rote questions, so at least for me it is not too difficult.

*If you use a Kroger plus card every time you shop, you can go online and log in to see everything you've ever bought! I used this feature to populate my shopping list. Every time I see something I might want, I add it to my list so that I can easily see when it goes on sale. This helps keep me from impulsively buying things because now I can "remember" to try them later.

I've always been the thrifty type: can't throw it out if there might still be some good in it! I'm like this with people to an often-detrimental extreme. I have a very hard time giving up and mostly can't manage to do it unless the other person already has. I was thinking about this tendency recently and asked myself "if I had no memory of this person before this year, would I put effort into connecting with them?" and realized that for one friend in particular the answer is "hell no." Then I tried to remember the last time there was a long stretch of them being a nourishing friend for me and realized that it had been years. I'm pretty sure they started thinking of me as "someone they used to be friends with" a long time ago -- while I was still trying to be their friend.

I might have more good people in my life if I hadn't spent so much time and energy trying to resurrect this friendship. I need a better cut-off point where I don't let literal years go by of me waiting for them to start being my friend in earnest. But what should the limit be? I know people go through hard times and I don't want to end a friendship because someone went through a period of low energy. I also don't want to continue one where the other person doesn't actually bother. I need criteria for me continuing to invest, and I need to actually and honestly evaluate where I am spending my energy. So tonight I am creating criteria:

1) nourishment: interacting with them is net-positive at least half of the time. (net-positive means I leave an interaction more nourished than drained).
2) shared effort: they put forth at least 1/3rd of the total effort for us to connect (I'm willing to adjust to meet them).
3) fair expectations: they don't expect me to do more than half of the emotional labor or more than half of the logistics labor.
4) building together: we have shared goals, and I can see actual evidence of this in their behavior and in where they devote their resources.
5) evidence of care: they take action to show that they care about my feelings and (without prompting) express a desire to help meet my needs.

If none of these criteria are true for more than three months, I should discuss this with the person and if nothing can be done to improve the situation, I should take a break from the person.

If I had used these criteria to evaluate my relationship with this one friend, I would have recognized that the relationship showed
1) lack of nourishment: it almost always was way more draining than nourishing.
2) lack of effort: they did less than 1/3rd of the total effort to connect us, probably less than 1/4th.
3) unfair expectations: they expected me to do way more than half and expected me to accommodate all their needs while they didn't do anything for mine.
4) minuscule building together: I saw very little evidence that they cared about what mattered to me.
5) no evidence of care: they never checked in about how their actions affected me, reacted defensively every time I tried to discuss it, and showed absolute disinterest in helping to meet my needs.

In contrast, my three closest people at the moment share these qualities:
1) nourishment: time together is net-positive way more than half of the time.
2) shared effort: they do way more than a third of connecting us (one of them actually does more than me on a fairly regular basis!).
3) fair expectations: they don't expect me to do more than half, and they offer to take half of the burden (or even more sometimes!) if they can.
4) building together: they show they care about community, justice, self-education, etc by hosting gathers with me, participating in protests, learning new things, etc.
5) evidence of care: they check in about how their actions affect me, and they offer to help me in whatever ways they can. They try to accommodate my communication needs and express appreciation when I move outside of my comfort zone for them.

I have to learn to accept when someone is not interested in investing in me, and I have to learn to stop pouring effort into them. I only have so much and I can't build good connections if I spend all my energy on people who do not want to create a positive feedback loop with me (wanting it to magically exist without them working for it doesn't count as 'wanting to create').

This one friend I'm talking about is someone who is in my top-five most-loved human beings of my entire 33+ years. I really wanted to be able to be connected with them. But I cannot. I will accept this and allow them to recede into my past, as I have receded into theirs.

There are a lot of ways to to cause others pain and even damage despite the very best of intentions, especially with sex and kink. This is not a comprehensive list, but it includes the most common ways I see people making consent mistakes. Here's a more in-depth discussion of most of this list: how to be careful with consent. Quoting myself: "EVEN IF you follow ALL of these steps, you may STILL accidentally coerce or violate someone. We live in a rape culture that makes it very difficult for us to understand consent, to respect our own boundaries and the boundaries of others; so sex is dangerous. We need to go in knowing we can hurt each other, and being careful to minimize that risk."

I have never discussed all of these things before first having sex with someone. There's always something I didn't think of, but I work towards being the absolute best I can at consent with each person I have sex with. I treat consent as an ongoing process of becoming more and more in-tune with what the other person wants and needs in sex.

To be fully careful with consent you need to:

1. discuss the meaning of sex/kink for each person involved.
   • is everyone involved aware of current relationship structures and additional partners (if any)?
   • do any of the people need a shared emotional/spiritual meaning for sex/kink?
   • do any of the people need shared attitudes toward bodies for sex/kink? (I do)
   • do any of the people have a need for future connection or particular kind of relationship after sex/scene?


2. discuss STI/pregnancy risks & how to manage them.
   • disclose your STI status and your risk factors and ask about theirs.
   • if relevant, discuss birth control and what to do in the event of barrier-method fail or pregnancy.
   • ask what methods of protection they want, tell what you want, and then go with whichever is more cautious.


3. choose safe words/signals.
   • at least choose a word/signal that means 'stop everything'.
   • describe what you want the other person to do when you use the safe word.
   • it's good to have a non-verbal signal as well as a word since some people can go non-verbal when triggered.


4. discuss known triggers and what to do in the event of an unknown trigger.
   • tell them your triggers and how you need them to react if they accidentally trigger you.
   • ask what they need you to avoid or be cautious with and what to do if you accidentally trigger them.


5. discuss roles (or lack thereof) and define terms.
   • roles must be consented to and you can't guess what someone else would like.
   • define terms: there are hundreds of definitions out there, don't assume.
   • describing a typical scene/sexperience in detail is a good way to find unconscious expectations.


6. discuss specific acts & label as ask-each-time or whatever.
   • ask what parts are okay to touch, when.
   • ask what kinds of touch are okay, where.
   • ask about marks before making any.
   • ask about sensitivities.
   • ask about oral, manual, toys, penetration, etc.
   • ask if there is anything that is never okay.
   • ask about which parts/acts are ask-first every time, and when in doubt ask first.


7. define acceptable sobriety emotionally and physically.
   • how much intoxication is too much for sex/kink between you?
   • what level of emotional instability is too much for sex/kink between you?
   • what level of physical weariness/sleepiness is too much for sex/kink between you?


8. discuss related needs which sex can compete with or create.
   • Do any of you have a strict bedtime?
   • Do any of you need privacy (such as not being overheard, or not having your shared stories told)?
   • Do any of you need a certain amount of aftercare time?

And within each sexual experience you need to:

1. check for sufficient emotional & physical sobriety.
2. ask in a way that makes it easy to say no.
3. assume no particular acts to be included and no particular length of time.
4. check in: pay attention to reactions and non-verbals, ask questions.

prompt from secret_keep: What is the first step for you when resolving a conflict with someone? What is your ideal first step when someone is trying to resolve a conflict with you?

1) Ask myself why I am upset. Something the person has said or done has upset me, and I have to figure out why before I can productively discuss it. So let's say that someone invited all my friends to an event, but not me. My first reaction will be to feel hurt, and when I ask myself why, it's because this seems to me to be deliberately excluding me. But this is not necessarily the case!

2) Assume the best. I consider other possibilities -- maybe they thought I was busy, or uninterested, or they thought they invited me already but didn't, or they accidentally double-clicked and unselected me (in the case of evites). If one of those possibilities is true, then it is not hurtful any more. So, I am prepared to accept alternative reasons. Sometimes I can resolve a conflict all by myself by using these two steps.

3) Ask their motives. I approach the person and tell them what I was feeling and why, mention the other possibilities I thought of so that they know I am not automatically assuming the worst, and ask what their reason was for their behavior. It is very important to explain that I am not assuming some negative motive, because assuming a negative motive sets up something that they have to prove to be false rather simply asking a question they can freely answer. Unfortunately, people will often assume that you are assigning a negative motive anyway, because they are so used to only being confronted if someone has made them into an opponent. Pre-emptively empathizing by explaining how you can see positive motive usually helps but not always. There is also the problem that sometimes what I think is a neutral motive others will see as a negative motive, and so they will feel defensive if I mention this 'neutral' motive as a possibility. I don't see a way around that, but explaining that I see it as neutral sometimes helps.

4) Accept their reason and ask for clarification if necessary rather than assuming a particular meaning for their reason. If their reason was one that didn't hurt me, yay! all is better! If their reason was hurtful, then there may be a discussion or I may have to accept a painful truth. Let's say in this case that the person didn't invite me because they didn't think of me, but I would have expected them to think of me if they desired my company in general. I would tell them that I wanted them to desire my company and why (probably because I desired theirs), leaving it open-ended or directly asking if they desired my company. They can either tell me that they do desire my company but didn't think of me because of some other reason, or they can tell me why they do not desire my company, or they can drop the subject, or they can express empathy and leave it at that.

5) Resolve any remaining issue. If it still hurts after I understand their motives, I will ask them to empathize and/or problem solve with me. Sometimes despite the motive being fine, the action itself is upsetting, and then I discuss that with them and try to find a solution. For instance, if they didn't invite me because they were inviting someone else who wasn't comfortable with me being around, I could accept this as not personal, but if I was close to this person it would hurt each time unless they messaged me to say "it's about so-n-so again, sorry to not invite you, still love you." or perhaps they could alternate inviting me or this other person. Sometimes there is no solution to be had, and then all I can ask is that they consider how I feel and express empathy.

My ideal first step when someone is resolving conflict with me is the same. I want them to 1) figure out why they are upset, 2) give me the benefit of the doubt in assuming that my reasons are not hurtful ones, 3) tell me what they felt about what I did/said, why they felt that way, and ask me about my motives in an accepting and non-blamey way (for instance "what was the reason I wasn't invited?" not "why didn't you care enough about me to include me?"), 4) accept my motives and empathy, and 5) help me figure out a solution for future occurrences if one can be found.

What steps do you take to make your LJ into a place you want it to be, which of them work, and do any of them happen to trap you in the image of yourself you have already created here and impede you expressing everything of yourself here? (from here)

What I want my LJ to be:
1) a memory repository
2) a way for me to explore and learn myself and to note patterns in my life
3) a connection with others and a way for others to know me deeply
4) an inspiration for the pursuit of justice
5) a work of art
6) an outlet for strong emotion
7) a way to share skills I have learned
8) a resource for others who experience similar oppressions and marginalizations (queer, trans, nonbinary, femme or afab, ADD & neuroatypical people, fat, demisexual, poor, polyamorous/relationship anarchists, activists, etc).

Steps I take:
1) a memory repository:
I try to write down descriptions of events that are meaningful for my life. I title and tag so that I can have memory tags both for searching for things in my journal, and for tagging things in my brain for bringing up more easily. I re-read and explain and summarize.

2) a way for me to explore and learn myself and to note patterns in my life:
I write about things that I am just considering for the first time, things I have learned, things I am unlearning. I write about my spirituality, my goals, my desires and emotions. I use my journal to gain an overview in order to note patterns in my dreams, my moods, my experiences. I hadn't realized how continuously overwhelmed I was until I considered how often I used my 'overwhelmed' icon, for instance. I often realize things about myself as I am writing also -- trying to put things into broadly-understandable words makes me understand the things myself at a deeper level.

3) a connection with others and a way for others to know me deeply:
I add people and read their entries and comment (sometimes -- not as much as I would ideally) in order to develop friendships and connections where we mutually nourish the shared space that is LJ. I keep my journal mostly public so that anyone who has a desire to know me may do so, at their own pace. I try to keep it accessible (with photo descriptions etc) so that I am not blocking out anyone.

4) an inspiration for the pursuit of justice:
I write about justice issues as I learn them, and attempt to model growthful responses to my mistakes. I confront people about their harmful behavior (especially regarding slurs) when I feel I am able to.

5) a work of art:
I deeply customized my layout using css and html, and crafted my profile carefully over time. My journal is more expressive of my personhood than anything I wear; maybe than anything else. I also (sometimes; not often lately) share my photography, fractals, and mixed media here.

6) an outlet for strong emotion and for messiness and unedited expression:
I attempt to share my feelings thoroughly and without censoring myself. I attempt to be complete and leave myself open to mistakes and criticism.

7) a way to share skills I have learned:
When I realize I have learned a skill that is not commonly held, I try to break it down into the individual parts and explain it clearly and thoroughly so that anyone else who wants to learn the skill can use the guidelines I write in order to do so.

8) a resource for others who experience similar oppressions and marginalizations:
I share my experiences and emotions so that people who have similar ones can feel less alone. I write about how to treat me and people like me so that allies can learn how to be inclusive and respectful of our differences, so that other people don't have to do the work of explaining. I want this both to be a thing people can link to and to be an additional force for increasing awareness generally.

I think all of these steps work to some extent or another. Do any of them trap me in the image of myself I have already created and impede me expressing everything of myself here? Probably. 4 and 6 clash sometimes because to be ethical I need to be careful about my language -- English is filled with the detritus of centuries of oppression and you simply cannot speak it unthinkingly without causing damage. 4 and 3 clash sometimes because I feel that if I were to point out every instance of issues no one would want to be my friend, and I feel like I have to build some kind of connection before pointing it out would do any good, but it is hard to build connection when someone is using slurs, for instance.

This was a hard question to answer, but I really appreciate having explored it because being aware of my intentions makes me much better at being thorough in growing toward them! Thanks kehlen_crow!

I was talking with Topaz and spoke/realized something at the same time. I don't believe there are inherently polyamorous or inherently monogamous people. Whether or not you can practice polyamory depends on 5 things: awareness of polyamory, willingness to break social norms, how you get your sense of security, how much energy you have, and connections with people you resonate with in a romantic way.

awareness of polyamory
I daydreamed about having multiple romantic relationships from the time I was a little kid, but I didn't know that it was possible until many years later. I was 24 when I realized that ethical non-monogamy was possible and there were people who did it. My first polyamorous relationships were long distance because I had never met anyone local who I knew to be polyamorous.

willingness to break social norms
Breaking social norms was already normal to me, having rejected sexism and looksism, but it was not something I could do whole-heartedly because at the time I was married to someone who was very worried about what people would think. Not being able to be out ate at me. I did come out to my bioparent P, who treated my visiting lover the same as my spouse - but less than a month after that, P moved to another state so I still had no local people I was out to. My next few relationships were local and they were all out, which was a huge relief for me.

how you get your sense of security
My sense of security held me back in a lot of ways, because my first romantic relationship was a monogamous marriage and my securities had been built on a set of rules. I thought rules were how you built security; I had never witnessed any other model. We practiced polyamory for about 2 years with this makeshift rule-based model. As the rules failed to make me safe from hurt and failed to protect my spouse from fear, I shifted my marriage to an uncommitted lover relationship. This was partly because the rules that made it a marriage did not work for me any more, and partly because in my view of marriage if you don't have similar goals in life then you shouldn't be married and my life goals were no longer similar to my ex's. That didn't last because when my ex looked for an additional person to date, they found a monogamous person and promptly dumped me for that person.

After that I built my sense of security on my ability to recover from damage and maintain boundaries. I set boundaries for my safety rather than my security (for instance, requiring safer sex practices for certain acts with me, rather than for the relationship to continue). To set a boundary I considered what could cause me damage and how it could be mediated with the least interference with the other person's will. An example would be who my lover dates. I do not control the other person's choices, but I do control mine. So if my lover dates someone who I feel is damaging me directly or indirectly in a way that I cannot handle, I will put distance between me and my lover until I am no longer so damaged. I will inform them ahead of time so that they know what my action will be and can adjust if they wish, but I will not expect them to or try to convince them to. This has only happened once (after a first date), and after I told my lover what I was feeling they examined their interactions with that person and found that they were bad at consent and thus no longer desirable for dating.

Nowadays I put my security partly in my ability to recover and maintain boundaries, and partly in my loveweb -- my friends who I invest in. If I were to break up with someone, it would be painful (maybe devastating), but I know that I could rely on my friends to help me get through it, and eventually my ex-lover would be one of those friends. I do not emotionally invest in romantic relationships that will not be lifelong friendships (except maybe for Aurilion, because I have a weakness there). If I feel that they wouldn't stay my friend if we broke up, I won't date them because that makes me feel like they only want part of me and a very minor part at that.

how much energy you have
Next need is energy. I once broke up with three people at once because I did not have the energy that it would take to maintain those romances any more. It was almost too late: shortly after that I went into the worst depression of my life, where for three months all I could think about, every waking moment, was wanting to die. It took citalopram and at least a year to get out of that. Then once I emerged from depression I realized how bad my ADD was and began trying to get help -- which took at least 8 months. During those months I had no extra energy because I had to throw all of it into my schoolwork just to maintain that. I spent many days in unproductive hyperfocus and many days in panic and stress to the point of crying uncontrollably. But once I finally got medicated, I had energy! I felt alive! I could do things! I was still terribly stressed about money and school, so not all was well, but I had more ability. And I started actively looking for an additional person to date, because I want that in my life.

connections with people you resonate with in a romantic way
The first month of looking was fun -- then it rapidly became miserable. I couldn't find anyone at all who seemed both akin to me and available. After three months I decided to stop looking, since after all I have never met a love by searching for them (they have all found me). I do keep looking for new friends, but have met a lot of failure in that area as well. There have been a few people who I thought I might be interested in romantically, but nothing came of it. This is where I am now, a year after I gained the energy. I have the awareness, willingness, security, and energy, but not the connections. I yearn for them. Topaz suggested that I do more activities that will allow me to meet new people, which is a good idea except that that is SO HARD when my car is fragile and I have little money for gas and have no one to help me motivate to go by going with me -- it takes like 50 points of energy and it is likely to only give me back 20. If I met someone amazing it would probably give me 100 points, but that certainly not something I can count on.

I still consider myself to be practicing polyamory, because I do not structure my relationship in a monogamous way or use monogamous rules. I actually identify as a relationship anarchist (a sorta-kinda subset of polyamory), because I do not decide which relationships get the most time, energy, or other resources; I let the situation lead me. I deliberately invest in my friendships, which may move in and out of romance based on the situation. Kylei is someone who I would definitely be dating if they were available, but so many parts of the situation make it almost impossible. Maybe next year I will have so much extra energy from finishing school that I will be able to spend the extra doing lots of the driving and planning, which is what it would take to make the situation work. As it is, there are romantic parts to our friendship, but we do not spend enough time communicating for me to feel romantic in a continuous way.

Hugs are the usual greeting in my group of friends, and are not uncommon among my family and the families of other southern people I know. (some people take this so far as to hug others without asking first, which is horrible) It's also a really common method of comforting via the internet, at least everywhere I have been. But a lot of people don't put any thought into a hug beyond "we encircle each other with our arms and then stop." But there are such a variety of hugs!

the christian side-hug
A hug that involves people being side-by-side and wrapping the near arm around the other person's back, bringing the far arm around to touch the other's far shoulder and leaving a circle of air in between, usually looking away.
The only people I allow to do this to me are my bioparent M and Topaz' family. With my bioparent, it's because they have self-imposed limits of bodily contact with those they perceive as women. With Topaz' family, I let them set the parameters of hugs.

the straight girl A-frame
This is a variant of the christian side-hug where you face each other and put your arma around each other, but do so with your bodies at least a foot apart and your backs arched so that your chests don't touch.
I do not tolerate this kind of hug. I'd rarher have a handshake, or nothing at all.

the limp noodle
This is when someone goes to hug you but doesn't place any firmness into it, holding all of their parts away, barely touching you with their arms and chest, sometimes giving a light tentative pat at the end.
GROSS GROSS GROSS I hate this kind SO MUCH. It makes me feel like I'm covered in slime and you're trying not to get it on you. This kind of hug makes me want to punch whoever is doing it.

the quick squeeze
This is when someone hugs you for about 1.5 seconds - just wrap arms around, give a quick squeeze, and immediately pull away. This is the usual greeting hug among hippies.
I like this one okay. It's better than no touch.

the back-cracker
This is when someone hugs you with such a hard squeeze that it could crack your back (or in my case, cause your boobs to ache).
I hate this one. People do not seem to realize that the fact that it feels good to them doesn't mean it feels good to me. There's also a sub-variant, where the person isn't squeezing too hard but is squeezing at the wrong place and it is smashing my boobs. PSA: if you are hugging someone with large breasts, squeeze them around the waist ONLY not around the chest (or ask).

the favorite hug
This varies from person to person I'm sure. For me, there are several elements that make up my favorite hug; time length, emotional presence, arm placement, body height, pressure, hand movement, and above all posture softness.

For length, I prefer longer (in the 8-11 second range usually) but I let the other person end it as quickly as they wish. As soon as they lift their head from my shoulder, drop their hands from my back, or otherwise shift to end the hug, I mirror and let them out of the hug. Otherwise it's not good consent.

To be emotionally present for me means we're silent, eyes closed, fully emotionally focused on each other, not thinking about other things, not hurried.

Position-wise, I prefer to have my right arm over their left shoulder, with my other arm wrapped around their waist and them mirroring - this is an idea passed on to me from someone else that solves a lot of the squishing problems and also is more egalitarian. But one person's arms under the other is a better hug for comforting, I feel - with the person giving comfort having arms on top because they feel like a shield then. I want bodies to be close, either with us sitting next to each other thighs touching, or standing face to face with feet staggered and foot-circles overlapping.

Height should be adjusted for the hug. So, a standing person should sit or kneel to hug a sitting person. A standing tall person should widen their stance or bend their knees to hug a standing shorter person, or they should find something for the shorter one to stand on.

Pressure should be firm but not suffocating- applied only from the hands and the chest, not the whole length of the arms like a boa constrictor. Imagine folding around the person like you would fold one paper around another. Pressure should also be at the top of the back and the middle of the back, because lower back is sexual for many people and so you should ask first (I certainly don't want anyone touching me there without asking).

Hand movement should be thoughtful and not too hard of a rub, nor too much in one spot, NO PATS.

Posture should be softened (if possible) with shoulders loose and spine curved: if one person stands up straight that forces the other to bend twice as much and it feels awkward and uncomfortable.

How do you define trust in your relationships? Do you believe it is a black and white issue or a grey area one in that you can trust people in different ways?

Trust comes in various levels, for me. I start everyone at about 60%: assuming that they respect me, they want to avoid hurting me, and they're not going to lie to me.

Things that add to that trust are:
- not hurting me often (which requires them to be careful with their language and actively practice removing slurs and stereotypes from their thinking),
- being remorseful and productive instead of defensive when I have told them that they hurt me,
- telling me as soon as they can when I do something that upsets them so that I can adjust my behavior,
- being willing and able to share their feelings and experiences with me (self-aware and open),
- taking action to care for our relationship,
- sharing freely with me without me needing to prompt them,
- showing curiosity and thoughtfully engaging with things I share,
- practicing good self-care, especially in such a way that they can have more quality time with me,
- openly (especially publicly) admitting when they made a mistake or realized a change they need to make.

There are probably more actions that build trust for me, but that list alone would bring someone up to 90% at least.

Things that lower my trust in someone:
- deceiving me,
- hiding things from me that they know I would want to know,
- not telling me when I bother or upset them,
- showing that they don't respect me or others,
- showing that hurting me doesn't matter to them,
- using slurs,
- mocking people for anything that is related to their status as an oppressed person (seriously anything),
- making fun of anything that is part of who someone is (like their laugh, their name, their style, their body shape, etc),
- trying to push someone into doing something (ANYTHING) they don't want to,
- affirming stereotypes,
- trying to 'win' in an argument or agreement,
- showing a lack of self-awareness,
- showing that they value me more than themselves,
- disliking all conflict,
- avoiding giving direct answers when I ask direct questions.

Any one of those things would drop my trust at least 10%. Not all of these are things I think are bad, but they are all things that show I cannot be very close to that person.

Things that have little to no effect on my trust, usually:
- keeping plans we made (all I care about is desire and effort, not success)
- being on time
- being available when I am in need
- remembering anniversaries/birthdays
- responding in a timely manner
- backing me up in a conflict
- showing me that I am more important than others
- staying consistently in my life

I notice many people expressing desire or need for these things but frankly, that stuff is mostly stuff that only neurotypical people can do, or stuff that creates a hierarchical relationship. I have had maybe two relationships with neurotypical people and they were ages ago. I don't really forsee myself being in any of those in the future and if I did, I hope I would not become reliant on those things as markers of trust. They have not at all correlated with people who remained nourishing, non-damaging connections for a long time.

So overall, yes I trust people in different ways. I trust Topaz probably about 98%, Kylei, Heather, and Hannah about 92%, and other people vary from 0% to about 88%.

No one expects that a romance will last if neither person ever bothers to set up a date. Yet somehow friendship is supposed to?? So many people are content with friendships which they would absolutely dump if it was a romance. I find this irrational double standard to be so frustrating. I think most people like to structure their relationships in binaries: family or not-family, romance or not-romance, my-everything or acquaintance. And then they put walls between these things and assign specific passwords to the doors. Family door only opens with blood, marriage or adoption. Romance door only opens with "I love you" and sex. My-everything only opens with romance or occasionally with "best friend." (I know these are not true of everyone; I'm talking about the average person) I think this is fucking gross and I don't want any damn walls involved in any of my relationship shifts. I want mine to be free to grow and shrink as is healthy for each. My relationships are on a spectrum and a person may move from one to the other from week to week. Whether relative, lover, or friend, these are your options. I will never give anyone a "better than the rest" pass. Having sex or romance with me gives you no automatic new level of connection, nor does being related to me.

Related: http://my minimum requirements for friendly acquaintances & actual friends / my ideal friend's qualities.

friendly acquaintances: Anyone I am connected with by choice in any way.

These people I put no special effort into, I just remain open to sharing with them and to what they might share with me. People only get kicked off of this for being willing to knowingly violate consent (of ANY kind, including consent to engage in a conversation); if someone says they want to stop doing something and you don't listen, consider yourself banned (but it does depend on whether the person whose boundaries they broke is upset about it).

friendly tribe-hopefuls: Everyone on my LJ friends list (including the defunct LJs), my aunt and one of my cousins, one of my siblings, people who come to crafty parties or cuddle communions or transparence parties or solstice gathers.

These people I make the effort to keep up with and when I am faced with a block to connection, I attempt to dismantle it if they will help me. Most of the time such a block is something like problematic language, but sometimes it's a hurt they may have caused me accidentally, or a worry I have that I have hurt them. My willingness to try is what makes them a tribe-hopeful, and often after I do, they become part of my extended tribe. If they are unwilling to adjust their behavior to avoid causing pain, they will never be more than friendly acquaintances.

extended tribe: Currently Kat, Elizabeth, Kels, J, Adi, Lisa, Angie, Rachel, Nicky, Gayle, Renee, Aubrey, Becky, Tina, Hannah, Abby, Nea, Arden, Lily, Ciara, Lana, Sydney. Saleena, Jezza, Hope, Serah, and AlisonB seem soon to be added to this group, as we have expressed mutual desire but not yet acted on it much. There are others I'd like to be here but they're either unavailable or I don't yet know if I could trust them to work shit out and be respectful in a conflict.

These are the people with whom I check in regularly (on whatever sharing they offer), work shit out, and mutually, deliberately build intimacy. People have to be willing & able & available to build with me, and willing & able to have compassionate conflict. LJ is such a beautiful platform for this -- without it, this list would be very short because sharing deeply with each person individually wouldn't be something I could do, simply thinking of time much less energy. I also can make conflict easier by posting about a general issue and working it out with several people in an indirect way that people react to better than me directly saying "this thing you did is a problem for me because ___." There are some in this group that I would like to be part of my core tribe, but I haven't made the overture for one reason or another. I feel like I have to be in a place where I know how much energy I can spare to add someone to my core tribe, because I don't want to offer something I can't follow through on. And long distance takes more energy than local.

core tribe (what I think of as the Rude Brood): Currently Anika, Jaime, and Allison.

These are people with whom I check in regularly, work shit out, mutually deliberately build intimacy, and make it a regular priority to spend time. For locals this means I try to hang out one-on-one once a month, for long-distance I try to have videochats at least twice a month. I include these people in events that are sacred to me, to the extent that they are willing. These are people that given the right situation (and their interest of course) would be lifesharers.

lifesharers: Currently Topaz, Kylei, and Heather (we call ourselves the Odd Squad).

These are people with whom I check in regularly, work shit out, mutually deliberately build intimacy, make it a regular priority to spend time, check in with about my major life decisions (if they would affect them), appreciate when they offer critique of my behavior, and turn to in my rare moments of need for comfort. Hannah was a lifesharer of mine and I would really like them to be again, but distance and time difference makes it hard. I have faith that it will happen one day. Anika is someone I would ideally be lifesharers with but they have too much focus elsewhere to build to that right now. The main shift between tribe and lifesharer is the amount of focus time: it takes a certain amount regularly to keep a person at the level of lifesharer, otherwise you're just not in sync enough and it doesn't work.

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I would only co-parent with a lifesharer, but I would co-habitate with anyone who had similar living habits and goals, and I would be lovers with any person in my extended tribe, given mutual interest. You'll notice that only three of my relatives are mentioned on this list at all and they are tribe-hopefuls because they are unavailable and/or have not worked out conflict with me. My parents and other sibling are currently friendly acquaintances, though I would like them to be tribe if they could get their act together. ALSO there are people I love who I am not in contact with, so are not on this spectrum at all. So, regardless of the cause of the connection, anyone has a chance of being anywhere on the spectrum or not at all.

ETA Feb 17, 2016:
extended tribe: Currently Kat, Elizabeth, Kels, J, Adi, Lisa, Angie, Rachel, Nicky, Gayle, Becky, Tina, Abby, Nea, Arden, Lana, Sande, Jaime, Cass, Helena, Katy, Arizona, Ace.
core tribe: Currently Allison, Kylei, and Sydney.
lifesharers: Currently Topaz, Hannah, and Heather.

ETA Apr 20, 2016:
extended tribe: Currently Kat, Elizabeth, Kels, J, Adi, Lisa, Angie, Rachel, Nicky, Gayle, Becky, Tina, Abby, Nea, Arden, Lana, Helena, Katy, Arizona, Ace, Sande, Cass, Sydney.
core tribe: Currently Allison, Hannah, and Kylei.
lifesharers: Currently Topaz and Heather.

I'm not calling these truths, just musings. As such they could be totally wrong, so don't hesitate to disagree!

When you have only had shitty friends, you don't get a chance to learn all the friendship skills, because a friendship can't go beyond the most skilled one in it (unless you mutually work on it).  So if you are a level 2 with only level 1 friends, you can't move to level 3. If you're a level 1 with level 1 friends, you could both move to level 2 if you both decided to build that skill. Some of friendship is about intention, but a lot of it is about experience.

I think that people are composed of their experiences (and don't have much power over what those experiences are) so all you can really do is seek people who are similar to you in level, want to grow in friendship, and aren't so privileged or prejudiced that they can't see you as a person - and hope you get lucky. This is obviously easier if you are in a category that isn't routinely dehumanized and othered. Many more people are willing to invest in you when your looks and identity are something they feel comfortable with. Just from my relatively privileged experience, it was SO much easier to find friends when I was thinner and identified as a monogamous straight cis person. Also I am beyond lucky/privileged in the fact that I got to go to therapy for two and a half years, and got plenty of time to write and learn how to hone my communication, and more than anything else I was able to find people who were on my level but ready to move to the next and willing to do so with me. You can't create friendship skills without time, energy, and people to teach you and/or practice with. So, if you have few friendship skills it doesn't actually say that much about you as a person, necessarily. I think it only matters how you react to a chance to learn a new friendship skill.

I see four levels of friendship experience.

1) spending time together (not sharing deeply) in fun.
Most people exist at this level of friendship; at this stage a very close friend is one with whom you spend time with regularly or at length. At this stage, to feel close you have to be in-person and get things like smiles, laughter, hugs, overlapping energy, silliness, and play. You need (nearly) all interactions to feel good, because the only bad-feeling things that nourish a person involve sharing deeply.  If something feels bad about spending time with a person, they no longer count as a friend, because they're not doing the things that you consider to be friendship (sharing fun time).

2) giving emotional support/listening.
This next step often still requires spending a lot of time together for closeness, because people in the first stages of vulnerability often need the immediate feedback of in-person or real-time communication. Saying something vulnerable and then waiting is often much harder than saying something vulnerable and having immediate response.  For people in this stage, fun is still important, but it is also important to be able to express your negative feelings and have them held safely. People in the first stage can do this rarely if someone in massive crisis, but more often and they're gone; people in the 2nd stage consider supporting each other emotionally to be a vital part of friendship. I dunno if this is true for others, but when I was in this stage, I had a very hard time balancing my support for others with my own needs. It was like receiving support was so important to me that I imagined it as just as vital for everyone else, and I couldn't manage my own boundaries because it seemed so terrible to ever say no to a support need. This got me into trouble a lot.

3) giving feedback in a way that sparks new self-understanding; inspiring each other.
In this stage, spending time together for fun and support has decreased in importance.  I think that a person has to receive a certain amount of support for a certain length of time in order to move to this stage. I think ideally, your parents would give you enough support in your childhood that you could go into adulthood in this stage of friendship, but I've never seen that happen. The people I have seen in this stage at early adulthood had unusually supportive friend relationships early. For me, I got to this stage through the unbelievably kind and generous and faithful love of my LJ friends throughout the time I was working through childhood sexual abuse. Support is no longer a strong need for me, because I once hit that critical level. I think it is possible for people who have not yet hit that level to still very much value feedback that leads to new self-understanding, but I consider the level marker to be when it becomes more important than emotional support. At that point, you seek different friends and different kinds of interactions. Instead of seeking comfort first, you seek friendships that push you out of your comfort zone. You have a new set of goals in friendship. Support and spending time is of course still a need and important, but it's not primary. It becomes more important to be able to learn from and about each other.

4) challenging each other and responding positively; mutual accountability.
This may not be the final level but it is the deepest and most intense one I have witnessed. This is when not only do you value each other's feedback, but you hold each other accountable to the values that you have decided are important (not necessarily the same ones). For instance, Kylei values a broad sense of community and I do not, so in this level of friendship I would pay attention to whether or not they were investing in broad community, and point out any way I could see that they could invest more. Likewise, I value creativity, and someone could check in on me to see if I was living up to my value and creating regularly, whether they valued that for themselves or not. This level requires a lot of time and energy as well as skills in self-awareness and observation of others.

( rambles... )

The qualities that are most vital are being good at consent, being good at staying emotionally present, and not radiating need. Consent is vital because any touch needs to be consensual and a cuddler needs to know how to navigate that and give someone safety. Being emotionally present and aware is necessary because that is the building block for being able to give cuddles that are emotionally nourishing as well as physically pleasant. Not being full of need is necessary because even if you are otherwise perfect, if you have great need you may unintentionally drain people with your presence unless they know how to guard against that, or you are amazingly good at putting it in a box for a time. (for people who are full of need, guess what would be great for them? a professional cuddler!)

1) A cuddler needs to be good at consent: good at noticing non-verbal "no"s and asking clarifying, specific questions such as, "is there any part of your body that you would like me to avoid touching? Is there any particular kind of touch that you do not like?" and things like "would you like to be spooned? would you like me to stroke your arms? do you want me to play with your hair?"
2) A cuddler needs to not be touch-starved or affection-hungry. If they go into a session without their own tanks full, it is quite possible that their touch will drain the client rather than nourish them.
3) A cuddler needs to be good at boundaries. They need to be able to state their own comfort level and to be willing and able to say no and perhaps end the session if the client is not listening to those statements and honoring them.
4) A cuddler needs to have calm, settled energy about them, so that the cuddles they give will be relaxing and they won't transfer any stress to the client.
5) A cuddler needs to be comfortable with other people's emotions, able to listen, care, and hold space without getting swept along.
6) A (professional) cuddler needs to be good at separating sexual touch from affectionate touch, so that they can both offer touch with no sexual energy and they can read when a client is not being platonic and set boundaries accordingly.
7) A cuddler needs to be good at paying attention and good at reading people's reactions, so that they can tell how to adjust their touch according to what would be the most nourishing for the client.
8) A cuddler needs to be very comfortable with cuddling, so that they don't feel self-conscious and make their client feel awkward and uncomfortable about receiving their touch. They need to have a level of confidence and willingness to change something that is not working for the client.

Only the last one is really about physical aspects. The rest is all mental! Not all of it is stuff you can control -- obviously people don't have a lot of control over how much they need or how calm they are or even how emotionally present they are (some disabilities can break you out of being present no matter how hard you try). Some of this is skill, and some of it is just qualities that you might have or you might not, and some is a combination.

I've been thinking about cuddling for a living since I found out that there is a service near where I live that is hiring. I posted on facebook asking people if they'd be interested or knew others who would be. Some said yes and some said "yes I want cuddles but I wouldn't pay for them" and I found myself getting really offended and upset about it. Even after working it out logically (I do understand that reaction and don't need it explained) it's still upsetting. It feels like people are saying my skills aren't valuable or worth me being able to live on, which really is something I get constantly about everything I do (except stats).

People do this about every skill that is emotional or artistic in nature. Sure, it is rewarding to make art or teach people emotional skills, etc. But it takes energy! no one has an endless supply of that. Further, energy spent on emotional/artistic work means less energy for making money. Money is a thing that can get me food and shelter. If you don't think my emotional/artistic work is real enough work to earn me food and shelter then no, I don't want to give it to you. And when I have put hundreds of hours into building my skills, no, it's not the same as some random person who has never worked on it. It is really unlikely that any random person can give the cuddles I do. Affection or connection doesn't cut it; this is a skill. I have worked on these skills consciously for many years on many people. Cuddle skills are not common and even the sweetest and most loving people often have very low cuddle skills.

I am really fucking good at cuddling. I imagine that most people who are uncomfortable with the idea of paying for cuddles have in their mind the idea that cuddles are automatically mutual. They aren't. There are four kinds of cuddles as I see it - giving, receiving, sharing, and passive.

• Giving (one-way) - this is where you are actively giving touch, such as stroking someone's hair or rubbing their back, and they aren't actively touching you, nor is there any plan for them to.


• Receiving (one-way) - this is where you are not actively touching the other person while they are giving you touch, and there is no plan for you to give them touch.


• Sharing (mutual) - this is where you and another person are engaged in mutually active and emotionally-present touch, such as both stroking each other's backs while lying together, or mouth-kissing, or hugging, or holding hands. It is only sharing touch if you are both actively, presently, and deliberately giving: it is quite common for one person to give a hug and the other receive it - that may look like sharing but it isn't.


• Passive (can be mutual or one-way) - this is where you are touching the other person, but in an absent-minded or inactive way. An example would be leaning against someone while you both watch a show, or hugging while neither of you are focused on it.

If you have never just received without giving, you can't imagine how rejuvenating it is*. Shared cuddles are energizing but just receiving is like three times that intense. And it takes at least three times as much energy to just give: it's a huge investment of energy to just give fully-present cuddles, which is why I don't often do it for long stretches of time. I often brush Topaz' hair for hours on end because that is a less-present kind of giving that doesn't take much of my energy yet energizes them a lot. It's kinda halfway between passive and giving, because I shift in and out of being fully present in what I am doing (we're usually watching a show during this).

With people who do not give in cuddles for whatever reason, I only give if I am in a place where I can handle that much drain, or if I feel confident enough in their honesty & ability of response to request something that will help refill me. Mostly people are willing to give back, they just don't know how, because this is a learned skill. Sometimes I will have only passive cuddles with a person because that is something I can usually do without drain.

I probably seem arrogant, and I'm afraid someone's gonna be like "actually your cuddles stink" but I think that's an illogical fear. Though I think maybe I suck at cuddling Heather partly because I have been lazy the last few times we've hung out and partly because I don't think I've ever made them sigh in contentment, and after braggin on myself I'm also looking at all my cuddles given and thinking about my flaws.

I came up with a list of essential qualities for being good at cuddling, but I'm going to post that friends-locked because I sent it to the two places I applied to and I want to keep it under wraps until I get responses. If you're reading and you don't have an LJ, message me and I'll email it to you.

*I am sure that not all of this is true for all people, especially those who are not nourished by touch (less common, but certainly existing). Please take this with a grain of salt - I phrased it boldly because I feel strongly, not because I really think it is true for all people.

A friend asked me what nourishes me in friendship, and after thinking on it, this is how friends can nourish me:

1. self-care/growth/awareness. This is far and away the most important, the thing that nourishes me most in spending time with someone (whether virtually or in-person). A person can be the best person in the world, but if they aren't good at self-care it will not nourish me to be around them. I think this is partly because I sense the care that they need and I have to practice a lot of self-discipline to be around them without trying to fill that hole (a vast improvement over my previous self, but still an intense and draining struggle for me), and that struggle gets exponentially harder the more I care about them. So the skill of self-care prevents me from feeling a constant drain (due to that internal struggle) in their presence.

But the other side of that, growth, is actively nourishing to me when it is shared with me. When someone has been, for instance, going to therapy regularly and learning new skills that they are applying in their relationships or their daily habits, I can feel that and it subconsciously nourishes me. (or if they have simply been taking a walk everyday because it helps them feel mentally clear and less anxious, or they've been reading more, etc) Further, if they describe it to me, it nourishes me more because I learn more about them as they learn about themselves, and I also learn about myself as they share. Sometimes this is because they share something that teaches me something new, sometimes it's just as simple as noting my reaction to a particular aspect of something and realizing something new about myself from that.

I often spark this on my own by asking questions that prompt self-reflection and growth, but that is usually a much much smaller nourishment because it requires energy to put in. If I ask a simple question and then the person makes explores it carefully and thoughtfully, that can be really nourishing, but that requires a certain mental habit of critical analysis and a level of practiced openness that most people don't have, so it is rare.

2. shared passion and enthusiasm. This is more complex than it seems at first glance, because it involves the other person not only understanding and caring about the same thing I care about, but expressing that emphatically and emotionally, 'hyper'ly even. And this could be anger, joy, excitement, shock, wonder, etc, any passionate emotion. Kylei has always nourished me in this way, because Kylei is very VERY good at being enthusiastic and loud about it. On the flip side, if I share something I feel passionate about with someone and they have a calm or flat reaction to it, I will feel drained by having shared with them and will wish I hadn't, because if I had instead written about it I would have had a better reaction just from myself re-reading it.

3. creating together. I find creating to be nourishing in itself, and when someone creates with me I feel extra nourished because I feel like they are investing in their self-care/growth as well as my self-care and growth. Conversely, if someone sets the intention with me to create, and then doesn't, I sometimes feel worse than I would have if I had just created alone.

4. spiritual working together. This can be incredibly nourishing but it requires number 1, 2, and 3 or it takes more energy than it gives.

5. asking me meaningful specific questions. This can be nourishing from anyone, but has far more impact if the question is one that I hadn't considered, and/or if it is about something that I am currently positively emotionally invested in. (being asked about things that I find stressful is draining, not nourishing, though someone who is really good at questioning can sometimes make an overall nourishing conversation out of it) Vague questions like "how are you?" are not at all nourishing because they take so much work for me to organize my thoughts and answer. (my ADD-PI means I hate vagueness in general, btw)

6. cuddles/focused touch. This can make me feel REALLY nourished BUT it is only good for me if the person is 1) good at self-care AND 2) is good at noting my reactions and adjusting for the comfort of both of us AND 3) is generous. I am very physically sensitive and it is easy to make me feel bad, and if I give a lot of cuddles without also getting them it rapidly gets more draining than nourishing. I like drinking and cuddling because I get numbed and then it is not distressing to the point of emotional suffering to have someone brush a sensitive place accidentally. Otherwise, I exclusively give (which I do really love when it doesn't happen too often) or do some specific and boundaried touch (like let them rub my feet or pet my hair).

7. gifts of effort. This can be things like driving to see me when you live far away, or doing a chore I hate doing. But if you don't ask if I want it and get a yes first (or ask if I have a blanket answer for that particular thing), it can be upsetting, because I want to be able to measure my gratitude against your effort. If it is going to take a lot out of you but only give me a little, then it is not worth it and if you do it I will just feel bad for your loss rather than feeling happy for my gain.

Things that have low to no nourishment value for me: activities which don't involve the previous things (so, going to the movies together would not nourish me unless we deconstructed it after or something), people expressing empathy/sympathy for my negative feelings (I want them to care, but I'm okay just trusting that they care unless I am in a desperate place and if I am there, I will specifically request support), being told nice things about myself, being listened to without feedback. These are all nice and certainly don't have a negative effect, but they are not things that have a large emotional impact on me.

The other day Abby gave me feedback about my post on 5-steps to educate or eliminate that made me realize that I have subconscious processes for a lot of things, and when I make those processes conscious and concrete, they become more useful to me. So I'm probably going to be making more stepwise-processing posts in the future, and I'm gonna go back and tag the ones I can remember. The first one that comes to mind is how I apologize when I have hurt someone -- 1) empathize 2) explain 3) change (the order of that is VERY important). I'm including lists in this too, even when they are not ordered lists, such as my draws and dealbreakers: my reasons to fight for a relationship and my reasons to end one. If you can think of any of my posts that involved processing through lists, that would be super helpful if you'd tell me about them, even a vague topic would help me find them.

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How I set goals: I set goals by my desires, and figure out those with these questions. I used to set goals out of guilt or fear or shame, but not now. I have to be pulled to make something a goal, not pushed.

1) What do I most feel a lack of in my life? What do I have the most unfilled yearning for? What do I most quickly start missing when I don't have it?

2) What are some ways I could get more of those things?

3) How can I make small daily habits or once-a-week tasks out of #2's answers?

Being able to tell when someone is not interested in learning is a vital skill in resisting oppression, I think. I have a system now. If you make a problematic statement, I will ( follow these five steps )

If at any point, someone comes to me with a request for resources to learn, I will courteously and generously try to come up with the resources I think would be most helpful. I will give of my time, energy, and thought to do this. But I will not waste any time on someone who just wants to try to verbally fence with me. Pripois often find it entertaining to fight about social issues that have no negative effect on them, and I have no interest in providing their entertainment. (pripoi= privilege-poisoned person, one who denies privilege and/or refuses to try to reduce its effects)

I consider it a radical and important action to tell a privileged person that their opinion on oppression is useless. They are almost always shocked by this, and it sticks in their memory. Being flat-out told you are wrong and uninterestingly so is a rare experience for pripois. It encourages them to self-examine. I know this was true for me when I was privilege-poisoned. (I am still privileged of course, but no longer to the point of denying my own privilege or refusing to attempt to ameliorate its effects)

On realizing that I'm wrong, I often feel embarrassed if I think I should have figured it out already, but I also feel happy because it means I learned something new. I prefer to realize things myself because that's less embarrassing but I feel grateful when someone tells me information that makes me realize I was wrong about something with a lot of impact, because it feels like the world is suddenly profoundly changed and I have potential for many new understandings. It's a gift to have someone correct my misunderstanding -- yes, even if it's done rudely. Also, one of the habits I have built as a protection against embarrassment is to say, "yeah, I was wrong" as soon as I realize it. It prevents me getting defensive, and it allows me to stop calculating the extent of my wrongness and focus on figuring out a way to do better. It sort of short-circuits the shame cycle, for me. (if it is something I feel really bad about, I can fret about it later where the person confronting me doesn't have to deal with my self-centered guilt/shame)

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How not to be a pripoi: an example.

An example of reducing the effects of privilege would be: you're a man and you're hanging out with a woman and a man. The man makes a sexist comment and the woman responds explaining the problem. You resisting oppression and reducing privilege effect would be saying something like "I agree" or "you need to listen to this" rather than making your own argument in the same vein. Men have the privilege of having their arguments taken seriously while women are ignored, and you can push back against this by being supportive without adding your own voice, if there is already someone who is not a man speaking. If no one else speaks up, then by all means, express your issue with the sexist comment. But if after your initial statement, someone who actually experiences that oppression takes up the discussion, remember that it's time to pull back and be supportive.

I learned that^ method by example, when a default (white hetero cisgender nondisabled male) posted a really sexist article and myself and three women had pointed out various issues in it. The default ignored all of our arguments. Then an ally who is a really great person (also a default) came in and said something that was a rephrasing of one of the same points. The pripoi default then suddenly acknowledged that point, while criticizing the rest of us. This was a fail of allyship because it allowed the pripoi to dismiss 90% of what we had said, and when I noticed it I realized that I have done the same thing before with issues where I am the ally (such as racism or mobility impairment). I determined that I would do my best to express only support in a discussion of an issue that doesn't affect me when others have it handled. However I have a shit memory and I know I have fucked up since then, so if you ever notice me failing on this please call me out.

These things are not all necessary for consent with all people; however, if you want to make sure that you don't accidentally coerce or violate someone, these are good ways to avoid that. In all cases, discussing specifics with the person about the instance you're in is the best method. If they are comfortable giving blanket permissions, you can act on those, but understand that you MAY be risking an incomplete consent, because no one can predict themselves perfectly. If they don't specifically say "you can do this at any time" do NOT assume that a yes once is a yes at ANY point after that.

These steps are assuming that you're not a rapist and therefore would never deliberately push sex on someone regardless of their will, through drugging, physical force, threat, or power (such as an adult over a child or a boss over an employee). Those are not mistakes, those are crimes.

Step 1a: the STI, birth control, protection, and trauma conversation. Before starting sexual contact, if you want to have full consent you need to do these things:

• a) disclose your known STI status AND your risk factors (unprotected sex? sex with people whose status is positive or unknown?), and ask about theirs. If you are not okay with taking the risk or vice versa, don't have sex with them.
• b) if relevant, discuss what birth control measures are being taken and what to do in event of unplanned pregnancy or barrier-method fail. If you're not okay with how they'd respond to those things or vice versa, don't have sex with them.
• c) ask what methods of protection they want, tell what you want, and then go with whichever is more cautious. If you're not okay with how much protection they want or vice versa, don't have sex with them.
• d) ask about any trigger behaviors you should avoid, and disclose your own if you have them. Such a huge number of people have been sexually abused that you need to assume that anyone you have sex with may have triggers; if you don't want to give someone a PTSD flashback, ASK FIRST. If relevant to one or both of you, discuss carefully. If you still feel too scared of triggering them, don't have sex with them.

This first step is why I don't often have sex with strangers any more: having this conversation is difficult with strangers since it involves a lot of trust. If I do, it's low-physical-risk sex, like fully-clothed grinding or energy exchange. So far I have not been very careful about asking about triggers and have been lucky, but that is something I am going to be much more careful about now that I have considered the possible consequences.


Step 1b: disclose any other information that you think they might want, given what you know of them. If they only have sex in the context of a committed relationship, and you're not committed to them, make sure they know that. If they're monogamous and you're poly, make sure they know that. If you only have sex with the same sex in a casual way that can never get serious and they aren't the same, make sure they know that. Deliberately having sex with someone when you KNOW they would NOT do it if they had relevant information is coercion, not consensual sex. If you hold back info you think they want in order to have sex with them, that's manipulative and coercive at best.


Step 2: ask about the specific occasion BEFORE starting sexual contact, without pressure in your language, attitude, or behavior. Asking a yes or no question in a culture where saying no to sex is taboo is NOT a no-pressure way of asking. A better way of asking is an open-ended question like, "I want to have sex with you right now. How do you feel about that?" Then,

• a) if they express that they do not want to have sex, ask for a time frame -- not now, not tonight, not ever? You don't want to ask again if they know they won't want to do it tonight or ever. Responses like "I don't feel very good" or "I'm really tired" or "I'm drunk" mean, at the very least, not now, and should be treated like a no -- ask for time frame and wait that long before asking again. DO NOT POUT: do not complain or whine or express upsetness: you NEVER have a right to expect a yes. If you can't avoid showing disappointment, ask for some time to compose yourself and go away until you can be happy to share non-sexual time. To make them deal with your negative emotional reaction to a "no" is pressure, both now and in the future. If they know they're going to have to deal with your crankiness or whinyness if they say no, they can't say a completely uncoerced yes.
• b) if they give a non-committal answer like "I don't know" or "I'm not sure," ask for clarification. Ask questions like, "Is there something you would rather be doing right now?" (if the answer is yes, do that before asking again or don't have sex.) or "what is your emotional response to my desire?" If they continue with non-committal answers or look uncomfortable/distant, that means no -- don't continue asking for sex. For me, at that point my sexual desire is gone, so I might say something like, "I no longer want to have sex but I very much want to understand your feelings and thoughts right now."
• c) if they express a clear desire to have sex, move to step 3!

Step 3: do not assume that any particular sex act or response will happen, including but not limited to:

• a) penetration of any kind (some people don't want or can't handle penetration every time)
• b) genital touch of any kind (some people don't want or can't handle genital touch every time)
• c) orgasm or climax of any kind (some people don't want or can't have orgasms every time)
• d) roleplay of any kind (including feminine/masculine, dominant/submissive, initiator/responder, etc! these must be discussed to be consensual)
• e) pain or sensation of any kind (some people may not be comfortable with the kind of sensation you want in sex, or don't want it this time)

If you feel a need for one or more of those things in order to enjoy sex, discuss it with the person BEFORE touching them sexually, and if you cannot feel comfortable not having something that they don't want, do not have sex with them. If you do, you risk pressuring them into doing things they don't want to.


Step 4: agree on safe words/signals

• a) there should be a word or signal that means "stop all things immediately, for a significant period of time, possibly ending the sex"
• b) if using bondage, there should be a word or signal that means "loose the bonds immediately"
• c) it's also useful to have a word/signal that means, "stop everything for a little while" and another that means "resume" I use the words 'pause' and 'unpause' -- this keeps me from getting overstimulated and going numb.
• d) it can be useful to have a word/signal that means "try something else" -- I prefer to be specific about what else, but I know people who like the indirect method better.

Step 5: check for sensitivities when touching and ask before penetration

• a) when touching anywhere you think might be especially sensitive (like nipples or genitals), pay attention. If you are sighted, you can do this by watching their body language -- ease towards their sensitive places and if they look uncomfortable, take that as a not yet, or if you'd rather not risk doing something that will feel bad, ASK FIRST. I always ask, either with words or by reaching for a spot, pausing with my hand near it, looking at them and continuing only if they nod. If they don't respond at all, that is a NO, and I do other things instead and then ask with words if I want to go to that spot. Be gradual in intensity or ask how intense they want it. I once was making out with someone who reached up and pinched my nipple so hard I thought it was a bee sting at first -- NOT OKAY, EVER. If you know they like super-hard pinches, that's different -- do not assume that you can guess the level of intensity they would like.
• b) when you want to penetrate them with fingers, you can ask with words or (IF you already got a yes for touching the area) lay your hand on the opening of the place you want to penetrate and wait for a response. Usually what happens for me at this point is that the person asks for penetration or does not respond. No response means NO, move on, then ask with words later if you still want to. If you want to penetrate with more than one finger, ask with words; more is NOT better for everyone.
• c) when you want to penetrate them with your penis, if you have agreed on barrier methods for penetration but not other sex acts, ask if they want penetration before putting the condom on; putting the condom on in that situation communicates an expectation of penetration which will be louder than any question that follows. When you ask, be specific: WHERE are you wanting to penetrate? Don't assume that penetration means penis-in-vagina to them just because they have a front orifice. Or that it means penis-in-anus just because they don't. If you have an agreement to not use barriers, you can try the "pausing outside the opening and waiting for a response" method and remember -- no response means NO. You can do other things and ask with words about penetration later.
• d) if you want to be penetrated by them, all the same requirements apply -- do NOT put their parts (including their toys or prosthetics) inside you without asking, or put a condom on them without asking.
• e) when you want to penetrate them with an object, ask first and ask specifically: "I want to put [object] in your [place] -- how do you feel about that idea?"
• f) Do not take a yes for one kind of penetration as a yes for any other kind, ever.
• g) with any kind of penetration, if they look uncomfortable and say non-committal things when you ask about penetration, drop the subject and if you still want to, talk about it when you are not in a sexual situation.

Something that makes consent easier is picking only highly-communicative partners who are good at stating their own boundaries. It's your responsibility to keep from violating or coercing them; if they are willing to help you that makes things much easier. If someone doesn't want to talk about sex or doesn't know their own boundaries, don't have sex with them because you will probably make a big mistake and hurt them, and yes, that will be YOUR FAULT because it is YOUR responsibility to keep from hurting others.

EVEN IF you follow ALL of these steps, you may STILL accidentally coerce or violate someone. We live in a rape culture that makes it very difficult for us to understand consent, to respect our own boundaries and the boundaries of others; so sex is dangerous. We need to go in knowing we can hurt each other, and being careful to minimize that risk.

Some people haven't learned many ways of intimacy; they might use "drama" (artificial fights) or sex to try and reproduce the times they felt intimate with another person.

With "drama" they're seeking the deep intimacy of conflict: when you are in serious conflict with someone, you have stripped away all the social norms that you usually hide your feelings behind, and you're showing your true self. If there isn't someone in your life who is causing conflict with you, and you crave intimacy, you might try to create it by convincing yourself that there IS conflict. Unfortunately, if they won't play along and "fight back" you don't ever get to a point of sharing true feelings, because the situation has not been completely created. To get conflict intimacy you need two (or more) people invested in settling a conflict: if the other person is convinced that the conflict exists only within you, they won't invest, and the situation will not be created for you to both share deeply.

With sex, they're seeking the deep intimacy of learning another person's desires and pleasures and sharing their own, and meeting them in a space beyond the physical. For people who aren't conscious of this as the process, they think it only happens accidentally, and they don't know how to produce that intimacy. Since it happens most often at the beginning of sexual interactions, before you create your set of assumptions (and thus are still open to learning), those people will often seek new people and/or new experiences to try and stumble upon that intimacy again. Obviously sex can be sought for the physical, and novelty for its own sake: but they can also be sought as a very inefficient way of getting intimacy.

These intimacies are just little flecks, gained at the cost of losing people or spending lots of energy. It's so important to know what you are really seeking, and to seek it consciously, because people in need of intimacy can be voracious and consume others, creating harm in themselves and those around them.

To create intimacy in a steady, nourishing way, you have to do it on purpose. You have to find someone who already practices openness and honesty who wants intimacy -- not just sex or romance or fun or an activity partner -- and practice. This means when you find something that makes you BOTH feel intimate, you take note and do it regularly, as a commitment to each other. If the person who gives you butterflies or seems "just so awesome" does not want -- ON THEIR OWN and not as a response to a request -- to be intimate with you, find someone else. It is hard to find people who want to actively practice intimacy, but if you want to actually find it you have to find self-motivated people, not try to convince someone that it's a good idea. They also have to be self-motivated for honesty and openness. AND so do you. If you want to keep your image or hide things, you are restricting yourself to accidental moments of intimacy rather than deep, continuous intimacy. You will not get intimacy while trying to control how you are seen by others; that's like trying to make out with someone while wearing a mask that covers your mouth.

The ways that have worked for me, after finding a self-motivated partner, are these:

( my methods ) I don't expect that all of my methods will work for everyone, but some might: and if you have others I haven't listed, please share!

happystance got me thinking on this subject a while ago and I've been slowly honing this from my initial comment. I love when someone asks me a question that makes me go, "oooh, I don't know the full answer to that!"

My longest, deepest relationship has been with a person that I have very, VERY little in common with as far as hobbies or likes/dislikes go. So though common interests make it easier, I don't need them. What I really HAVE to have is a similar goal (growth, learning) and attitude (respectful, open, honest) plus love.

for me to keep fighting for the relationship, the other person has to be:

1) seeking to grow, learn, and create

( ... )

2) respectful

( ... )

3) open/honest/expressive

( ... )

4) affectionate, interested in me, and willing/able to give emotionally

( ... )

These things work as a draw -- the more fullness of openness, honesty, seeking to grow, respect, etc., that you show, the more I am drawn to you. I'm not looking for perfection but for passion; working to improve rather than being 'good enough' and stagnating. If a person is not all of these things, that's not grounds for me to end it, but without a good amount of them I won't fight for it if it seems to be ending on its own.

---

for me to cut off the relationship, the other person has to exhibit:

1) deceitfulness/insincerity

( ... )

2) disrespect

( ... )

3) manipulative behavior

( ... )

4) destructiveness of self** and/or others and/or living things

( ... )

5) indifference/apathy

( ... )

Most of those things can be forgiven if it is a slip-up followed by sincere apology and efforts to make it right; but if any of them are a pattern or go without restitution it is over. I absolutely will not tolerate 1, 2, 3, or 4 as patterns of behavior -- even if the person uses them only with others and not with me. (although self-destructiveness is not as clear-cut; **I'll maintain the relationship if I can. As long as the person isn't giving me responsibility for their happiness and we have at least SOME interactions that do not center on the self-destructiveness, it can work) Number 5 is harder for me to hold as a boundary, and I've actually never ended a close relationship over it, but I can see several times when that would have been wise (more to come on that).

This sort of doubles as my moral code -- the first list being things I strive to achieve, and the second list being things I strive to avoid.

I can't say how it makes other people feel because I haven't asked, but I can say that when this method is used on me it makes ALL of the hurt and upset go away. It makes me feel safe, loved, and understood, and it makes forgiveness the easiest thing ever. (I don't feel that anyone on my friends list owes me any apology, just to be clear)

How I apologize:
I refrain from getting defensive or considering whether or not it is "my fault" -- regardless of my intentions, the point is that you were hurt.
I try to fully understand how my actions hurt you,
     ("so when I did action Y that hurt you because situation/perspective Z")
I empathize with you and apologize,
     ("I can imagine how that would hurt; if I had been in situation/perspective Z I would have felt the same way. I imagine you felt _____; I'm so sorry")
THEN AND ONLY THEN
I explain my feelings and motives,
     ("I can see how it seemed like I just didn't care, but my intention was _____, and I definitely do care")
I figure out how to avoid ever making the same mistake, and
     ("I think that happened because situation/perspective X")
I commit to a change which will keep me from making that mistake again.
     ("I commit to being more careful, avoiding situation/perspective X so as not to do action y")

or to make it simple: empathize, explain, change.

( a not-real example )

It's really important to me not to skip the empathizing step because if I do, the other person will often feel as if I don't care about their feelings and am only concerned with whether or not I made a mistake. And when someone is apologizing to me, if they don't empathize BEFORE explaining then it feels like my feelings are an afterthought, rather than the point of the conversation. But it's also important to figure out how not to make the same mistake, because otherwise it will just happen again.

Obviously on lesser wounds it's not necessary to go to all that effort -- accidentally stepping on someone's toe is not the same as triggering a memory of abuse. HOWEVER, which wounds are 'lesser' is defined by the person in pain, NOT the one who caused the pain.

Sometimes people seem to take "you hurt me" as some kind of challenge to their honor, thinking that they have to prove that they did NOT hurt you or they are therefore a bad person. (my bioparents, for instance, ALWAYS react this way) But I consider it much more honorable to heal something than to never have harmed it in the first place.