It had been 2 years so it was way past time for an update. I didn't include all of the people from before but those are still available via tags *smiles*
If you're wondering what spirit-kin, heart-kin, soul-kin or mind-kin mean (or -twin, the stronger version), read this post.

If there is anyone I've mentioned often who is not included here, please remind me.

( all of the people! it's pretty long )

possible TW: angry discussion of rape and victim-blaming--------

So, thanks to the research paper I just finished, I know (even more in-depth than before) what causes rape and I know what could cure it. It would be expensive to implement and all the religious folk would piss themselves in rage but it's so totally within practical possibility. Who gives a shit though, moneygod says no and what moneygod says goes. And you know those religious people would rather maintain an epidemic of rape than give up their stereotyping and sex-taboos. Because deep down, they do not care about rape because they do not believe in bodily autonomy. They think that something external should have power over your body. They think rape is a suitable punishment for 'bad' people and they choose to believe that it doesn't happen to those they think of as 'good' -- if it happens to you, you just get moved to the 'bad' column so they can keep on believing this. I actually hate these people more than the capitalists who just think it won't happen to them so they refuse to put money toward it when that money could be benefiting them. Selfishness is evil; selfishness justified with cruelty is worse.

------end TW-----


in happier news, I dreamed about spending time with acid_burns last night. It was so airy and light, and I felt really free. I don't remember specifics but we did go to some giant warehouse store.

I still miss my old circle of LJ friends.

Prompt from Kei-Won-Tia: Who are the people in your life who speak to your soul with their existence and what was your first impression of them? What qualities in them inspire you to better yourself?

There are a lot of people in that first answer! I'll go chronologicallyish, name then first impression then qualities. Remember these are not characterizations just first impressions!

Allison. first impression: small, bouncy, happy, clever, creative. Ze inspires me to get in touch with my more expressive self, and be unabashedly enthusiastic.

Hannah. first impression: brilliant, careful, compassionate, silly, generous, yearning. Ze inspires me to ask prying questions, to seek a more blunt truthfulness, to embrace my tenderness (used to be very difficult as I prided myself on toughness).

SabR. first impression: fierce, wild, bold about beliefs, generous, welcoming, easily angry, confidently creative. Ze inspires me to put more of myself on the line with my art, to be bolder about sharing vulnerable beliefs, to be wild (like a leopard not like a spring breaker).

Aurilion. first impression: too interested in being seen as more evolved than the next to be really honest about anything, loving, seeking (I didn't connect w zir much at all until we met in person). Ze inspires me to believe in my intuition and to be open to possibilities.

Ashe. first impression: sweet, affectionate, loyal to an extreme (I got annoyed with a girl who was deliberately flirting with our crushes but ze was infuriated/outraged and I'm pretty sure hated that person from then on). Ze inspires me to believe in myself - I think ze was the first person to believe in me, which is a huge damn deal.

Anika. first impression: angry, open, curious, creative, clever. Ze inspires me to share more, to yield less, to grow and learn and be unafraid.

Viv. first impression: anxious, eager to explore, cuddly. Ze inspired me to explore my transness, undo my partnership, reconsider my whole life, take emotional risks with no security.

Vola. first impression: quiet, intense, very thoughtful and thorough, determined. Ze inspires me to think (through zir thoughtful sharing) and to be true to the more analytical, ethereal parts of me. This is kinda rare because people tend to like my sensual, affectionate side more.

Nea. first impression: impossibly kind, compassionate, nonjudgemental. I think Nea is still the most nonjudgemental person I've ever known. Ze inspires me in that way and also by being a person who doesn't share many words and yet is as open-hearted as can be. It makes me see more possibilities in people.

Laura. first impression: honest, creative, loving toward everyone but zirself. Ze died last year but continues to inspire me with zir hope in all things. I want to believe. I miss zir so much, I hate that ze's gone.

Angie. first impression: sweetest, gentlest person I've ever met (that initial impression is still true). Ze inspires me to remember that there are still kind people in the world, even when surrounded by cruelty, not everyone becomes cruel. Ze makes me believe in love.

Lisa. first impression: honest, cheerful, directionless. Ze inspires me because I've seen zir take ownership of zir life and unflinchingly examine where ze can change to bring about the life ze wants, and then just fuckin do it. (Not directionless, obv)

Firekat. first impression: opposite of me, adventurous, risk-taking. Ze inspires me to take risks! I've followed in zir footsteps in a lot of ways (not intentionally, but partly given courage by seeing Kat) and been the better for it.

Ben. first impression: argumentative, stubborn, smart, affectionate. Ben inspires me with zir desire to grow and learn. I almost never see this in someone who passes as a privilege-pinnacle person, and it gives me a little hope for the world.

Arizona. first impression: sharp-minded, open to any new idea, enjoying life, stable and secure in zirself. Ze inspires me to believe in my ability to sense magic. Ze was the first to affirm me in that way (we got together because I dreamed we kissed and then I asked zir out as an act of trusting my intuition).

Kylei. first impression: extremely emotional, creative, impulsive, open, affectionate. Ze inspires me to be more open, honor my feelings, follow my heart.

Heather. first impression: friendliest person ever, totally free and kind. Ze inspires me to share (because ze read my ENTIRE journal even the early parts and still liked me) and to see myself as a relatable person even though I get socially overwhelmed sometimes (if it can be true of the friendliest person ever, I must be relatable too).

Abby. first impression: nervous, creative, generous. Ze inspires me to treat emotions as a shared unfolding of knowledge, a collaborative project, and ze inspires me by sharing new knowledge.

Adi. first impression: bold, honest, unafraid. Ze believed in my goodness at a time when I felt everyone would judge me and it made me feel hope that I could be myself without going way out of my way to explain and still have people see me truly.

Topaz. first impression: capable of listening intently and engagingly, caring about social justice, fierce, free, unavailable, sexy as fuck. Ze inspires me to continue learning and attempting to educate others (because ze also self-educates and agrees and supports me) and to go after what I want (because ze believes in zirself and prioritizes zir needs so I feel I can too).

Camellia. first impression: no idea because it was so long ago and ze was just a kid. Ze inspires me to be welcoming, because ze makes me feel like that part of me is appreciated.

Kei-Won-Tia. first impression: distant, loving, self-deprecating, a bit lost. Ze inspires me to practice gratitude, build intentional connections, trust in people, share what I learn.

There are many others, really.

Also all of the good parents I know: Anika, Jess, Clare and spouse, Christine, Issa and Joshua, Mandy, Brian and Sarah, Ksej, others- people raising their children with love and creativity and understanding and freedom, giving them the chance to flourish instead of squashing them into a mold like most progenitors. I feel this very deeply and personally, as if in doing so they are giving me what I never had. It moves me to tears.

If you're wondering what spirit-kin, heart-kin, soul-kin or mind-kin mean (or -twin, the stronger version), read this post.

If there is anyone I've mentioned often who is not included here, please remind me.

( all of the people! it's pretty long )

Godde why is everything so fucking hard. I've cried so fucking much today; at school, at the auto shop when I got an oil change, at school again, at home. I had an intense discussion with Abby about the lack of communication between us and the imbalance in initiation, and I feel a sliver of hope now but also just so fucking sad. Why is it always so hard for people I love to come to me (emotionally and physically)? How can it be that even at the edge of ending it's a struggle?

I also got some wonderfully encouraging messages today, one from someone I had never really talked to and one from someone who has been important to me but for whatever reason we see each other very rarely and one from someone who's been a long-time LJ friend and one who I have a heart-on-thorns-in-paradise history with. And one from Nea, who always finds the perfect thing I need to hear, that I'm listening to over and over.

I feel like something cracked, like I had been holding myself together so hard, waiting and waiting and waiting for things to get better, and they didn't, and then finally I just couldn't wait anymore and I let go and this shell cracked and all of my pain came spilling out. And I feel more alive but SO FUCKING SAD.

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )

These are the characters in the story of my life:
( from 2009 )

These are the characters in the story of my life:

most mentioned:
Ace (lil sis) aka girlslovegirls7 -- younger sister, deep friend, soul-kin.
Ben aka justben -- lover, deep friend, heart-kin, soul-kin.
Ash aka theroamer -- deep friend, flatmate.
Hannah aka shioneh -- deep friend, spirit-kin.
Nea aka acid_burns -- deep friend, soul-kin.
S -- close friend.

localtribe:
Shel aka aerialmelodies
Sara aka theindiequeen
Kristen aka gods_ornament
(under the general tag: Anna, Kat K, Chase, Anita, Saleena, Nicole, Brigit, Greta, Brandon, Sakka, Josh, Paul, Ryan, Nikki, Wolf, Tali, Scarlett)

often mentioned but not currently part of my life:
B, my ex-partner -- ex-partner, ex-lover, heart-kin.
Aurilion -- ex-lover, heart-kin.
Viv -- ex-friend/love, spirit-kin.
ex-partner's family -- my ex's family
biofamily -- my biological family

those I rarely talk/write about lately, but who had/have a big impact on my life:
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend, heart-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- friend, spirit-kin, heart-kin.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- good friend, soul-kin.
SabR aka sabr -- good friend.
Anika aka cunningbunny -- friend.
Paula & Spencer -- spiritual parents.
Gabe -- spiritual sibling.
elya -- sister-in-law, friend.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- friend, spirit-kin.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- friend.
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend.
Kaylene -- friend.
Allison -- friend.

( most mentioned: )

( localtribe: )

( people I talk/write about who are not active parts of my life )

( people I rarely talk/write about lately, but who had/have a big impact on my life )

lately my dreams have been extremely short and simple (as opposed to the usual epic cinematic-style chock-full-of-symbolism dreams that I'm used to and that keep me so fascinated I can't bear to wake up) but I've decided to start recording them again anyway. The good part of these dreams is that they just suddenly end and then I'm awake, so it's easy to get up... but I miss the epic ones! People don't understand why I can sleep for hours upon hours upon hours -- imagine watching the most fascinating movie, in which you get to play a part and have magical powers. Yeah, you wouldn't want to wake up either!

( meeting Laura and Nea in dream-Finland )

The only meaning I can gather is that I want to go meet Nea and Laura! *giggles* but I love dream-meeting lj friends -- I feel like it's a real meeting on a spiritual level. I have dreamed about Nea probably five times now but this was my first time dream-meeting Laura! :D

lately my dreams have been extremely short and simple (as opposed to the usual epic cinematic-style chock-full-of-symbolism dreams that I'm used to and that keep me so fascinated I can't bear to wake up) but I've decided to start recording them again anyway. The good part of these dreams is that they just suddenly end and then I'm awake, so it's easy to get up... but I miss the epic ones! People don't understand why I can sleep for hours upon hours upon hours -- imagine watching the most fascinating movie, in which you get to play a part and have magical powers. Yeah, you wouldn't want to wake up either!

( meeting Laura and Nea in dream-Finland )

The only meaning I can gather is that I want to go meet Nea and Laura! *giggles* but I love dream-meeting lj friends -- I feel like it's a real meeting on a spiritual level. I have dreamed about Nea probably five times now but this was my first time dream-meeting Laura! :D

lately my dreams have been extremely short and simple (as opposed to the usual epic cinematic-style chock-full-of-symbolism dreams that I'm used to and that keep me so fascinated I can't bear to wake up) but I've decided to start recording them again anyway. The good part of these dreams is that they just suddenly end and then I'm awake, so it's easy to get up... but I miss the epic ones! People don't understand why I can sleep for hours upon hours upon hours -- imagine watching the most fascinating movie, in which you get to play a part and have magical powers. Yeah, you wouldn't want to wake up either!

( meeting Laura and Nea in dream-Finland )

The only meaning I can gather is that I want to go meet Nea and Laura! *giggles* but I love dream-meeting lj friends -- I feel like it's a real meeting on a spiritual level. I have dreamed about Nea probably five times now but this was my first time dream-meeting Laura! :D

I went to south GA, where I spent my early childhood, and met Nea! We went exploring in the woods (bridges through swampy areas, dark like old forests are) and came upon a semi-deserted strip mall. As we walked down the street I noticed a flyer saying Missy Higgins was coming to town in about two weeks, and we excitedly discussed the possibility of Nea coming back to town for the concert (I think I was offering to pay, or knew of a way it wouldn't be too expensive). We moved on from the teeeeeeeeeeeeny town and came upon a lake/pond where about 20 of Nea's friends were (!?!). We all got in the water, me naked of course -- cops came around but I managed to escape notice by putting my arms on top of my (cartoonishly) buoyant breasts and submerging myself. Then the cops left and we all got out of the water and lounged on the bank in a large circle, talking. One of her friends joked about the difference between male and female (something not-body-related), which pissed me off since I don't believe in that shit, but I kept my mouth shut. THEN he made some 'joke' about having sex with her, and I turned to her and said, "You better kick his ass! ... unless he was talking to someone else," because I realized he didn't specify who he was talking to and there were two other girls sitting next to Nea. (this whole dream happened at night, but it must have been a full moon because it was easy to see)

( Hannah and I spend lovely time, she leaves and doesn't know why, I talk to her about being disassociative, encourage grieving )

I went to south GA, where I spent my early childhood, and met Nea! We went exploring in the woods (bridges through swampy areas, dark like old forests are) and came upon a semi-deserted strip mall. As we walked down the street I noticed a flyer saying Missy Higgins was coming to town in about two weeks, and we excitedly discussed the possibility of Nea coming back to town for the concert (I think I was offering to pay, or knew of a way it wouldn't be too expensive). We moved on from the teeeeeeeeeeeeny town and came upon a lake/pond where about 20 of Nea's friends were (!?!). We all got in the water, me naked of course -- cops came around but I managed to escape notice by putting my arms on top of my (cartoonishly) buoyant breasts and submerging myself. Then the cops left and we all got out of the water and lounged on the bank in a large circle, talking. One of her friends joked about the difference between male and female (something not-body-related), which pissed me off since I don't believe in that shit, but I kept my mouth shut. THEN he made some 'joke' about having sex with her, and I turned to her and said, "You better kick his ass! ... unless he was talking to someone else," because I realized he didn't specify who he was talking to and there were two other girls sitting next to Nea. (this whole dream happened at night, but it must have been a full moon because it was easy to see)

( Hannah and I spend lovely time, she leaves and doesn't know why, I talk to her about being disassociative, encourage grieving )

I went to south GA, where I spent my early childhood, and met Nea! We went exploring in the woods (bridges through swampy areas, dark like old forests are) and came upon a semi-deserted strip mall. As we walked down the street I noticed a flyer saying Missy Higgins was coming to town in about two weeks, and we excitedly discussed the possibility of Nea coming back to town for the concert (I think I was offering to pay, or knew of a way it wouldn't be too expensive). We moved on from the teeeeeeeeeeeeny town and came upon a lake/pond where about 20 of Nea's friends were (!?!). We all got in the water, me naked of course -- cops came around but I managed to escape notice by putting my arms on top of my (cartoonishly) buoyant breasts and submerging myself. Then the cops left and we all got out of the water and lounged on the bank in a large circle, talking. One of her friends joked about the difference between male and female (something not-body-related), which pissed me off since I don't believe in that shit, but I kept my mouth shut. THEN he made some 'joke' about having sex with her, and I turned to her and said, "You better kick his ass! ... unless he was talking to someone else," because I realized he didn't specify who he was talking to and there were two other girls sitting next to Nea. (this whole dream happened at night, but it must have been a full moon because it was easy to see)

( Hannah and I spend lovely time, she leaves and doesn't know why, I talk to her about being disassociative, encourage grieving )

I've just looked over my journal and my last really personal verbal post was over a month ago. I like posting rants and photos and etc. but I don't feel like I am really journaling unless I have some personal words in there. I'm sick of being blocked! So here goes, this'll probably be all over the place.

Hannah and I are in a limbo-place in our relationship right now. Over the visit we did a lot of talking and realized that our relationship had gone rusty from lack of communication, and it was no longer a soulfriendship, though it was still a deep friendship. We discussed whether or not to try to build back up to a soulfriendship, but didn't come to any real conclusion. Since then we've exchanged some emails, but they've been sparse and inconclusive. Right now I don't know what is going to happen at all -- it could be that we reconnect and build something even more beautiful than before, and it could be that the relationship is over, or that we go to a casual friendship. Neither of us is angry (I don't think) but there is a lot of hurt... I want to discuss my feelings more in depth but I want to hear back from her first. I feel like I'm in a vacuum emotionally on this, because I don't have happiness with her, but I can't mourn either because it may not be over. If it is... I don't even know what will happen inside me.

I think I may have lost touch with Meliae, which is really horrible. I hadn't posted much about her, just a mention here and there, but she was really important to me. She understood me in ways no one else ever has, taught me so much and opened my mind so much, so gently. I only met her this year, and we didn't have much time to get to know each other -- she had four huge research papers to write the first few months I knew her, and then she was moving, going on a cross-country trip, and preparing to go to school in Spain the next semester -- but the bits of time that we did have were just amazing. Then she visited the states, we talked once on the phone and discussed meeting up while she was here, and then I lost touch, almost 2 months ago. With all the moving and changing numbers/addresses, I have no idea how to get in contact with her. And I feel sad about that, but I'm kinda in an emotional vacuum on that too because there's no 'end.'

And SabR and Kazi... I'm afraid to contact them, afraid to NOT contact them, so I end up trying to avoid thinking about it, not knowing whether or not it's okay for me to comment on their posts, not wanting to talk in real time because I'm afraid they'll be angry at me. I'm such a fucking wimp when I feel like I've wronged someone. SabR said she wanted to get in contact, so I told them my availability and asked for theirs, now my fear will just have to shut up.

I've been off of g-talk for months now, first for Hannah's visit and then because I had so much in me that I was afraid to let out. I have missed talking to Kenzy -- she and I used to talk all the time. And I miss Kat, but not as much because we stay in contact other ways. ♥ Thank God/dess for Kat and Nea, who've kept on reaching out to seemingly-ungrateful, unresponsive me. *deep sigh* I can't even express how much your concern and love has meant. *lovelove* And many thanks to the others of you who have kept me connected with the world with your beautiful inspiring posts.

And thank God/dess for my beautiful partner, who becomes more expressive and open and honest with every single day. Who always wants to be there for me, even if sometimes he just can't. God/dess, he's incredible. He's growing so much, all the time. When he first started on this path a few months ago, I didn't think it would last, but now I believe in him. ♥

Right now I'm in such a dark place -- not continuously, but overall. I keep going to sleep just to escape, very little holds my interest. I just want to be distracted. and yet! at the same time, I feel this is a time of learning for me. Not growth, but learning in preparation for growth. I'm learning mostly from you beautiful people, and I'm also learning more of myself. A beautiful part of me is finally blossoming, despite the darkness. Maybe it's a nightbloom...

I feel like strong change is coming, and oh, do I welcome it. I need it.

I've just looked over my journal and my last really personal verbal post was over a month ago. I like posting rants and photos and etc. but I don't feel like I am really journaling unless I have some personal words in there. I'm sick of being blocked! So here goes, this'll probably be all over the place.

Hannah and I are in a limbo-place in our relationship right now. Over the visit we did a lot of talking and realized that our relationship had gone rusty from lack of communication, and it was no longer a soulfriendship, though it was still a deep friendship. We discussed whether or not to try to build back up to a soulfriendship, but didn't come to any real conclusion. Since then we've exchanged some emails, but they've been sparse and inconclusive. Right now I don't know what is going to happen at all -- it could be that we reconnect and build something even more beautiful than before, and it could be that the relationship is over, or that we go to a casual friendship. Neither of us is angry (I don't think) but there is a lot of hurt... I want to discuss my feelings more in depth but I want to hear back from her first. I feel like I'm in a vacuum emotionally on this, because I don't have happiness with her, but I can't mourn either because it may not be over. If it is... I don't even know what will happen inside me.

I think I may have lost touch with Meliae, which is really horrible. I hadn't posted much about her, just a mention here and there, but she was really important to me. She understood me in ways no one else ever has, taught me so much and opened my mind so much, so gently. I only met her this year, and we didn't have much time to get to know each other -- she had four huge research papers to write the first few months I knew her, and then she was moving, going on a cross-country trip, and preparing to go to school in Spain the next semester -- but the bits of time that we did have were just amazing. Then she visited the states, we talked once on the phone and discussed meeting up while she was here, and then I lost touch, almost 2 months ago. With all the moving and changing numbers/addresses, I have no idea how to get in contact with her. And I feel sad about that, but I'm kinda in an emotional vacuum on that too because there's no 'end.'

And SabR and Kazi... I'm afraid to contact them, afraid to NOT contact them, so I end up trying to avoid thinking about it, not knowing whether or not it's okay for me to comment on their posts, not wanting to talk in real time because I'm afraid they'll be angry at me. I'm such a fucking wimp when I feel like I've wronged someone. SabR said she wanted to get in contact, so I told them my availability and asked for theirs, now my fear will just have to shut up.

I've been off of g-talk for months now, first for Hannah's visit and then because I had so much in me that I was afraid to let out. I have missed talking to Kenzy -- she and I used to talk all the time. And I miss Kat, but not as much because we stay in contact other ways. ♥ Thank God/dess for Kat and Nea, who've kept on reaching out to seemingly-ungrateful, unresponsive me. *deep sigh* I can't even express how much your concern and love has meant. *lovelove* And many thanks to the others of you who have kept me connected with the world with your beautiful inspiring posts.

And thank God/dess for my beautiful partner, who becomes more expressive and open and honest with every single day. Who always wants to be there for me, even if sometimes he just can't. God/dess, he's incredible. He's growing so much, all the time. When he first started on this path a few months ago, I didn't think it would last, but now I believe in him. ♥

Right now I'm in such a dark place -- not continuously, but overall. I keep going to sleep just to escape, very little holds my interest. I just want to be distracted. and yet! at the same time, I feel this is a time of learning for me. Not growth, but learning in preparation for growth. I'm learning mostly from you beautiful people, and I'm also learning more of myself. A beautiful part of me is finally blossoming, despite the darkness. Maybe it's a nightbloom...

I feel like strong change is coming, and oh, do I welcome it. I need it.

I've just looked over my journal and my last really personal verbal post was over a month ago. I like posting rants and photos and etc. but I don't feel like I am really journaling unless I have some personal words in there. I'm sick of being blocked! So here goes, this'll probably be all over the place.

Hannah and I are in a limbo-place in our relationship right now. Over the visit we did a lot of talking and realized that our relationship had gone rusty from lack of communication, and it was no longer a soulfriendship, though it was still a deep friendship. We discussed whether or not to try to build back up to a soulfriendship, but didn't come to any real conclusion. Since then we've exchanged some emails, but they've been sparse and inconclusive. Right now I don't know what is going to happen at all -- it could be that we reconnect and build something even more beautiful than before, and it could be that the relationship is over, or that we go to a casual friendship. Neither of us is angry (I don't think) but there is a lot of hurt... I want to discuss my feelings more in depth but I want to hear back from her first. I feel like I'm in a vacuum emotionally on this, because I don't have happiness with her, but I can't mourn either because it may not be over. If it is... I don't even know what will happen inside me.

I think I may have lost touch with Meliae, which is really horrible. I hadn't posted much about her, just a mention here and there, but she was really important to me. She understood me in ways no one else ever has, taught me so much and opened my mind so much, so gently. I only met her this year, and we didn't have much time to get to know each other -- she had four huge research papers to write the first few months I knew her, and then she was moving, going on a cross-country trip, and preparing to go to school in Spain the next semester -- but the bits of time that we did have were just amazing. Then she visited the states, we talked once on the phone and discussed meeting up while she was here, and then I lost touch, almost 2 months ago. With all the moving and changing numbers/addresses, I have no idea how to get in contact with her. And I feel sad about that, but I'm kinda in an emotional vacuum on that too because there's no 'end.'

And SabR and Kazi... I'm afraid to contact them, afraid to NOT contact them, so I end up trying to avoid thinking about it, not knowing whether or not it's okay for me to comment on their posts, not wanting to talk in real time because I'm afraid they'll be angry at me. I'm such a fucking wimp when I feel like I've wronged someone. SabR said she wanted to get in contact, so I told them my availability and asked for theirs, now my fear will just have to shut up.

I've been off of g-talk for months now, first for Hannah's visit and then because I had so much in me that I was afraid to let out. I have missed talking to Kenzy -- she and I used to talk all the time. And I miss Kat, but not as much because we stay in contact other ways. ♥ Thank God/dess for Kat and Nea, who've kept on reaching out to seemingly-ungrateful, unresponsive me. *deep sigh* I can't even express how much your concern and love has meant. *lovelove* And many thanks to the others of you who have kept me connected with the world with your beautiful inspiring posts.

And thank God/dess for my beautiful partner, who becomes more expressive and open and honest with every single day. Who always wants to be there for me, even if sometimes he just can't. God/dess, he's incredible. He's growing so much, all the time. When he first started on this path a few months ago, I didn't think it would last, but now I believe in him. ♥

Right now I'm in such a dark place -- not continuously, but overall. I keep going to sleep just to escape, very little holds my interest. I just want to be distracted. and yet! at the same time, I feel this is a time of learning for me. Not growth, but learning in preparation for growth. I'm learning mostly from you beautiful people, and I'm also learning more of myself. A beautiful part of me is finally blossoming, despite the darkness. Maybe it's a nightbloom...

I feel like strong change is coming, and oh, do I welcome it. I need it.

(I'm back!)

Happy Birthday Nea!!! and Happy belated Birthday Rorie! Oh-so-luckily, I recently found an artist I think you'd both like, who I am fairly sure you don't know of -- Noe Venable. ♥

( for you: 17 songs )

(I'm back!)

Happy Birthday Nea!!! and Happy belated Birthday Rorie! Oh-so-luckily, I recently found an artist I think you'd both like, who I am fairly sure you don't know of -- Noe Venable. ♥

( for you: 17 songs )

(I'm back!)

Happy Birthday Nea!!! and Happy belated Birthday Rorie! Oh-so-luckily, I recently found an artist I think you'd both like, who I am fairly sure you don't know of -- Noe Venable. ♥

( for you: 17 songs )

There's this meme that acid_burns and bluebl00d did, that goes like this: Comment and (if you want) I'll give you a letter. In your journal, list 10 of your favorite songs that begin with that letter. So I commented and Vee gave me 'R' "for radiant, as you are" (*beams*) and Nea gave me 'S' for strength. Sooo, this mix is entitled "Radiant Strength" though it's not necessarily themed accordingly. And I googled 'radiant strength,' found two images and compiled them for this:


Radiant Strength

(click for a zip of all 19 songs)

Raga bageshwari -- Deepika
Raks Zahra -- Cairo Trip Hop Underground
Repeat Defeat -- Invisible Ballet
Ring Around Her Finger -- Tonic
Rebellion (Lies) -- The Arcade Fire
Resist -- Kosheen
Reset -- MuteMath
Rest Easy -- John Reuben
Said The Sun To Shine -- Earthsuit
Stare At The Sun -- MuteMath
Surgery In the Sky -- Venus Hum
Scar -- Missy Higgins
Shame -- PJ Harvey
Swallow Me -- Esthero
Spring To Kingdom Come -- Flunk
Stay With Me -- Dolores O'Riordan
Somebody Else's Song -- Lifehouse
Secret -- The Benjamin Gate
Stripped -- Shiny Toy Guns

(it makes a surprisingly coherent journey!)

( more info & individual downloads )

There's this meme that acid_burns and bluebl00d did, that goes like this: Comment and (if you want) I'll give you a letter. In your journal, list 10 of your favorite songs that begin with that letter. So I commented and Vee gave me 'R' "for radiant, as you are" (*beams*) and Nea gave me 'S' for strength. Sooo, this mix is entitled "Radiant Strength" though it's not necessarily themed accordingly. And I googled 'radiant strength,' found two images and compiled them for this:


Radiant Strength

(click for a zip of all 19 songs)

Raga bageshwari -- Deepika
Raks Zahra -- Cairo Trip Hop Underground
Repeat Defeat -- Invisible Ballet
Ring Around Her Finger -- Tonic
Rebellion (Lies) -- The Arcade Fire
Resist -- Kosheen
Reset -- MuteMath
Rest Easy -- John Reuben
Said The Sun To Shine -- Earthsuit
Stare At The Sun -- MuteMath
Surgery In the Sky -- Venus Hum
Scar -- Missy Higgins
Shame -- PJ Harvey
Swallow Me -- Esthero
Spring To Kingdom Come -- Flunk
Stay With Me -- Dolores O'Riordan
Somebody Else's Song -- Lifehouse
Secret -- The Benjamin Gate
Stripped -- Shiny Toy Guns

(it makes a surprisingly coherent journey!)

( more info & individual downloads )

There's this meme that acid_burns and bluebl00d did, that goes like this: Comment and (if you want) I'll give you a letter. In your journal, list 10 of your favorite songs that begin with that letter. So I commented and Vee gave me 'R' "for radiant, as you are" (*beams*) and Nea gave me 'S' for strength. Sooo, this mix is entitled "Radiant Strength" though it's not necessarily themed accordingly. And I googled 'radiant strength,' found two images and compiled them for this:


Radiant Strength

(click for a zip of all 19 songs)

Raga bageshwari -- Deepika
Raks Zahra -- Cairo Trip Hop Underground
Repeat Defeat -- Invisible Ballet
Ring Around Her Finger -- Tonic
Rebellion (Lies) -- The Arcade Fire
Resist -- Kosheen
Reset -- MuteMath
Rest Easy -- John Reuben
Said The Sun To Shine -- Earthsuit
Stare At The Sun -- MuteMath
Surgery In the Sky -- Venus Hum
Scar -- Missy Higgins
Shame -- PJ Harvey
Swallow Me -- Esthero
Spring To Kingdom Come -- Flunk
Stay With Me -- Dolores O'Riordan
Somebody Else's Song -- Lifehouse
Secret -- The Benjamin Gate
Stripped -- Shiny Toy Guns

(it makes a surprisingly coherent journey!)

( more info & individual downloads )

( vid of me blathering! )

also YAY and very cool and many kisses to you who did your own! :D thiswaste & shalotus & aliyna & acid_burns! :D you women so ROCK!

( vid of me blathering! )

also YAY and very cool and many kisses to you who did your own! :D thiswaste & shalotus & aliyna & acid_burns! :D you women so ROCK!

also YAY and very cool and many kisses to you who did your own! :D thiswaste & shalotus & aliyna & acid_burns! :D you women so ROCK!

Pandora has reawakened my love for music! bluebl00d and acid_burns got it started by introducing me to all kinds of new music, but that wasn't a daily thing of course -- now I can discover new music anytime I want. It's awesome -- just enter a song or artist and it creates a station based on that music, not by genre but by actual SOUND, OMG it's thrilling! Just a few days ago I discovered Neulander, and fell so in love that I had to buy the music immediately (instead of hunting through used CD stores & ebay like usual).

I used to be utterly ADDICTED to music; I never left the house without my walkman, and the first thing I did when I walked into my bedroom was turn on the radio. I knew all the groups on the three stations I listened to; my list of favorites ran into 40s; I could wax rhapsodic on genre or group; I knew all these esoteric groups no one else had ever heard of; I saved up at age 13-14 to buy a stereo that was about $150 -- a hell of a lot of money for someone who made 5$ an hour babysitting occasionally. The greatest thrill in my life was hearing a powerful song by a group I hadn't heard of. Music was my passion, my life -- my mother and father and friend. When I was hurting I turned to God and music together -- I would put on music and talk to God. I would listen to a CD on random and ask God to speak to me through a song... so many times a line would catch my attention, one that I'd heard a million times but had new meaning to me in that moment.

When The Benjamin Gate broke up I lost interest in music. I loved that band SO much and they were SO much a part of my life. I saw them 6 times in concert, three times in Georgia, once flying to Pennsylvania, once driving to Tennessee, and for their final show I (and three others) drove 13 hours ONE WAY to Texas. They gave me so much hope... if they hadn't come out with a new CD when I was living with my aunt and uncle I don't think I could have stood that time. When they broke up I went into mourning, I think. I didn't want to love any band the way I loved them... They WERE music to me, so when I buried my feelings for them, I buried my passion for all of music.

Now that passion is reawakening, stirring to life within me. I am wildly yearning to go to a concert and hear someone play who can make my soul scream in agreement. (I am definitely going to that Mutemath concert -- can't wait!) I think it is beautifully appropriate that Adie has just released her solo album (though I haven't heard it, 'cept for the few songs on her myspace). She's moving on as I am.

this took FOREVER. but I love it! I added part of it to my userinfo and the whole thing to my myspace. Yes I have a myspace, I use it for collecting new music, don't judge me, you!

adored favorites:
(absolutely MUST have, desert island necessity, would perish without! all current loves, listened to constantly)





( other favored music -- lots of images but all tiny )

Comment and tell me what (if any, heh) music you share my love for!

Pandora has reawakened my love for music! bluebl00d and acid_burns got it started by introducing me to all kinds of new music, but that wasn't a daily thing of course -- now I can discover new music anytime I want. It's awesome -- just enter a song or artist and it creates a station based on that music, not by genre but by actual SOUND, OMG it's thrilling! Just a few days ago I discovered Neulander, and fell so in love that I had to buy the music immediately (instead of hunting through used CD stores & ebay like usual).

I used to be utterly ADDICTED to music; I never left the house without my walkman, and the first thing I did when I walked into my bedroom was turn on the radio. I knew all the groups on the three stations I listened to; my list of favorites ran into 40s; I could wax rhapsodic on genre or group; I knew all these esoteric groups no one else had ever heard of; I saved up at age 13-14 to buy a stereo that was about $150 -- a hell of a lot of money for someone who made 5$ an hour babysitting occasionally. The greatest thrill in my life was hearing a powerful song by a group I hadn't heard of. Music was my passion, my life -- my mother and father and friend. When I was hurting I turned to God and music together -- I would put on music and talk to God. I would listen to a CD on random and ask God to speak to me through a song... so many times a line would catch my attention, one that I'd heard a million times but had new meaning to me in that moment.

When The Benjamin Gate broke up I lost interest in music. I loved that band SO much and they were SO much a part of my life. I saw them 6 times in concert, three times in Georgia, once flying to Pennsylvania, once driving to Tennessee, and for their final show I (and three others) drove 13 hours ONE WAY to Texas. They gave me so much hope... if they hadn't come out with a new CD when I was living with my aunt and uncle I don't think I could have stood that time. When they broke up I went into mourning, I think. I didn't want to love any band the way I loved them... They WERE music to me, so when I buried my feelings for them, I buried my passion for all of music.

Now that passion is reawakening, stirring to life within me. I am wildly yearning to go to a concert and hear someone play who can make my soul scream in agreement. (I am definitely going to that Mutemath concert -- can't wait!) I think it is beautifully appropriate that Adie has just released her solo album (though I haven't heard it, 'cept for the few songs on her myspace). She's moving on as I am.

this took FOREVER. but I love it! I added part of it to my userinfo and the whole thing to my myspace. Yes I have a myspace, I use it for collecting new music, don't judge me, you!

adored favorites:
(absolutely MUST have, desert island necessity, would perish without! all current loves, listened to constantly)





( other favored music -- lots of images but all tiny )

Comment and tell me what (if any, heh) music you share my love for!

Pandora has reawakened my love for music! bluebl00d and acid_burns got it started by introducing me to all kinds of new music, but that wasn't a daily thing of course -- now I can discover new music anytime I want. It's awesome -- just enter a song or artist and it creates a station based on that music, not by genre but by actual SOUND, OMG it's thrilling! Just a few days ago I discovered Neulander, and fell so in love that I had to buy the music immediately (instead of hunting through used CD stores & ebay like usual).

I used to be utterly ADDICTED to music; I never left the house without my walkman, and the first thing I did when I walked into my bedroom was turn on the radio. I knew all the groups on the three stations I listened to; my list of favorites ran into 40s; I could wax rhapsodic on genre or group; I knew all these esoteric groups no one else had ever heard of; I saved up at age 13-14 to buy a stereo that was about $150 -- a hell of a lot of money for someone who made 5$ an hour babysitting occasionally. The greatest thrill in my life was hearing a powerful song by a group I hadn't heard of. Music was my passion, my life -- my mother and father and friend. When I was hurting I turned to God and music together -- I would put on music and talk to God. I would listen to a CD on random and ask God to speak to me through a song... so many times a line would catch my attention, one that I'd heard a million times but had new meaning to me in that moment.

When The Benjamin Gate broke up I lost interest in music. I loved that band SO much and they were SO much a part of my life. I saw them 6 times in concert, three times in Georgia, once flying to Pennsylvania, once driving to Tennessee, and for their final show I (and three others) drove 13 hours ONE WAY to Texas. They gave me so much hope... if they hadn't come out with a new CD when I was living with my aunt and uncle I don't think I could have stood that time. When they broke up I went into mourning, I think. I didn't want to love any band the way I loved them... They WERE music to me, so when I buried my feelings for them, I buried my passion for all of music.

Now that passion is reawakening, stirring to life within me. I am wildly yearning to go to a concert and hear someone play who can make my soul scream in agreement. (I am definitely going to that Mutemath concert -- can't wait!) I think it is beautifully appropriate that Adie has just released her solo album (though I haven't heard it, 'cept for the few songs on her myspace). She's moving on as I am.

this took FOREVER. but I love it! I added part of it to my userinfo and the whole thing to my myspace. Yes I have a myspace, I use it for collecting new music, don't judge me, you!

adored favorites:
(absolutely MUST have, desert island necessity, would perish without! all current loves, listened to constantly)





( other favored music -- lots of images but all tiny )

Comment and tell me what (if any, heh) music you share my love for!