So, I went to Atlanta Poly Weekend (APW) yesterday and today, and had intended to go to all of it but I've discovered that even though the anxiety meds help enough to keep me from spiraling into negativity from not being able to interact, they don't actually reduce the amount of effort it takes. So I get super worn out from the constant brush of people. I've realized that I actually can't do conferences without staying in the hotel; I can do a one-day visit but that's it. The con takes all my energy and I don't have the extra for driving back and forth, especially when I never get a chance to be alone all day. Hopefully I will be able to afford a room next time.

I also realized two ways that I want to be more involved in local community; through anti-looksist work in general and by being volunteering to help with planning accessibility for APW. I don't think that I'm especially qualified, but I have learned a lot by example from the disability coordinator for TBC (and they're a friend of mine so I could probably ask advice) so I think I could be helpful, and I don't think APW can afford to hire someone. I sent a message offering, and if they don't follow up I'll seek them out more directly. Things I would definitely do include setting aside a quiet non-interaction space for anxious folk to take a break because fuck did I miss that.

I realized I want to be more involved in anti-looksist work because I went to a session about dating while fat and polyamorous and I realized again how radical a force for change it is to be anti-looksist, and how many skills I have in this area. I need to skill-share because it's so vital for all bodies to be treated as acceptable. Fat-hating connects to so many other oppressions, so destroying fat-hating reduces the power of other oppressions. I tend to think of self-work as 'fluffy' or less important but it isn't. People need self-love to survive oppression, and we need oppressed people to survive or we cannot destroy the system.

I also got to have a little date with Arizona yesterday! Their partners let us have the hotel room to ourselves for a few hours and we cuddled and talked and then we played with thumpy toys! I brought the floggers I made recently and hadn't had a chance to use, and Arizona brought toys too. We started with Arizona thumping my back with what is called a 'billy club' -- a long rubber rod about 1.5 inches in diameter with little rubber spikes on the end (like on a meat tenderizer). Arizona used one at first, then added another and played my back like a drum! I got really into the rhythm, which changed the way it felt because I felt like I was experiencing it in both physical and auditory ways at once. Then Arizona used a steel cane (a thin metal rod about 1 cm in diameter) on my back and bum and legs. Then we took a break and had cuddles, and then Arizona used my mini floggers, my rainbow flogger, and my black suede leather floggers. (I'll try to get some photos to show soon.) The rainbow flogger was actually my favorite -- it's heavy because there are many loops of cord, but it's diffuse at the same time, so it doesn't feel 'too much' in any particular way. Lastly Arizona used my paddle (a thick hairbrush-shaped wooden one) on my bum and legs. It's really interesting how different the sensations are, even after I'm somewhat desensitized due to build-up.

Arizona and I kissed a little bit and they swayed and smiled and said they loved kissing me, which pleased me very much. I wanted to have more time to kiss today but there were a lot of people around the whole time and it was too distracting. But! They're coming back up in two weeks and they said they definitely want one-on-one time with me then. I miss them a lot and it saddens me that I can only see them so rarely.

Tonight when I got home Serenity (my housemate) had been doing a ritual for the new moon and invited me to join. Together we lit candles (including the rainbow drip candles I had been saving for ritual) and incense, smoked hookah, and they danced to music while I drummed along and then after I put the drum aside and seat-danced for a little bit they playfully pulled at me with dance movements and I got up and danced with them. I didn't feel self-conscious while dancing and only felt self-conscious while drumming for a little bit. Drumming along with the music was lovely because I was more patient with myself than usual and didn't get angry when I missed a beat. I shifted this way and that with rhythms and felt in harmony with my drum in a way I haven't since before I moved into this house, three years ago. Kanika (my cat) and Lily (Serenity's service dog) kept us company and enjoyed the energy. I feel like tonight was meant to be -- I had a lot of maybe-plans that fell through for this to happen as it did.

There are all these assumptions people put on you when you have a fat body. Fat is culturally assigned meanings such as lazy, gluttonous, unproductive, unhealthy, unclean, smelly, monomaniacal, obsessed with food, undesired, second-rate, clumsy, ashamed or stupid, unworthy of life. I know well that I am none of those things yet I feel the presence of those assumptions, because I hear people state them flat out. Upon seeing someone running a 10k while fat, someone told me "look at that fat slob!" and said that the person ought to face facts and walk instead (WTF?!???). So many times I hear people criticize fat people for wearing clothes that do not hide their fatness, because while being fat is a social crime, being unashamedly fat is so much worse.

I am not lazy. I don't exercise, but I'm active -- I use the stairs and I park at the far end to get a walk in when I go to school. I like swimming and dancing and carrying my lover around on my back. I'm strong and flexible. If I were on the thin side of average, this would be considered enough. But I am fat, and my socially-required penance for this is to work out every day or at least be ashamed of my lack of workouts. I'm certainly not unproductive. I create continuously, I gift my labor, I work for my employer, I work for school; I produce art and growth and service and thought.

I am not gluttonous. I do not overeat and rarely eat things that are bad for me. I don't eat (or drink) high fructose corn syrup, white flour, white sugar, hydrogenated oils, or meat. I drink at least 64oz of water a day. I usually have three meals a day -- an apple and a food bar in the morning (I choose my food bars based on them having at least 8 grams of protein and an equal or lesser amount of sugar), and a full meal later with fresh vegetables and/or fruits, and near the end of the day I have a small meal that is more of a snack. I almost never eat things like cake or cookies, and if I have candy it is usually one 2oz bar of dark chocolate for the day. I also never refuse myself food that I want, and food does not hold any glamour for me.

I am not unhealthy. I have average blood pressure for my age and quite good cholesterol levels and I can accomplish everything I want to do without getting winded or feeling pain. I am not unclean. I wash myself with gentle eco-friendly soap (Dr. Bronners') and use mineral salts instead of deodorant -- I don't hide my scent in any way and I don't smell bad (people compliment me on how I smell).

I know that I am not undesired. I have lovers who have caressed this body and expressed their desire for me in it. I know that I am not ashamed and that I don't lack shame because I lack the intelligence to realize that I should be ashamed. Yet if I am doing something that society tells me is a "stupid" level of not-hiding (like showing my fat belly), I feel worried half of the time (the other half of the time I feel like a fucking bad-ass). I know that I am not clumsy or oafish, but I feel absolutely full of dread at the idea of ever stumbling around someone who is fatphobic because I know they will attribute it to my fat and not to a single moment of gracelessness. This keeps me from dancing -- or even moving very much -- around many people because dancing increases the likelihood that I will have a moment of gracelessness and become "that poor clumsy fat person." Instead I dance when I get drunk enough to not give a shit about haters, or when I am around only trustworthy people, or when I am alone.

So many people have told me that I am not worthy of life because I am fat. They have plainly and literally told me to get thinner or kill myself. This part is easier for me to reject because I can see outright hate as being all about the hater, but that is an unusual stroke of luck for me. I know that most people told this do not have the shield against it that I do, and I know that people have literally obeyed those orders.

What being fat actually means for me is pretty much exclusively that society will judge me and mistreat me. It means nothing for my life apart from that opprobrium.

using my ethical storytelling rating system (for films/shows):

Happy Go Lucky (2008 Ireland) [Comedy/Drama] Director: Mike Leigh. Writer: Mike Leigh

( detailed ratings )

I didn't see anything to give minuses on, so the total here is a +6. There was some sort of stereotypical talk: "yay shoes" and "I want a man" but those things weren't presented as "feminine" so I consider the stereotype reinforcement to be mild enough to not warrant a minus.

-------------

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (2011 USA) [Comedy/Drama] Director: John Madden. Writers: Ol Parker (screenplay), Deborah Moggach (novel)

( detailed ratings )

The total is a +10: overall I'd say it's brilliant and beautiful and worth watching multiple times.

-------------

Brave (2012 USA) [Animation/Adventure] Directors: Mark Andrews, Brenda Chapman, Steve Purcell. Writers: Brenda Chapman, Mark Andrews, Steve Purcell, Irene Mecchi.

( detailed ratings )

total: -5 I was not impressed. But this probably is pretty decent for a Disney movie, as Disney is incredibly problematic. Check out "Mickey Mouse Monopoly" for more info (the link is to a summary/discussion: MMM is a documentary on Disney).

using my ethical storytelling rating system (for films/shows):

Happy Go Lucky (2008 Ireland) [Comedy/Drama] Director: Mike Leigh. Writer: Mike Leigh

( detailed ratings )

I didn't see anything to give minuses on, so the total here is a +6. There was some sort of stereotypical talk: "yay shoes" and "I want a man" but those things weren't presented as "feminine" so I consider the stereotype reinforcement to be mild enough to not warrant a minus.

-------------

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (2011 USA) [Comedy/Drama] Director: John Madden. Writers: Ol Parker (screenplay), Deborah Moggach (novel)

( detailed ratings )

The total is a +10: overall I'd say it's brilliant and beautiful and worth watching multiple times.

-------------

Brave (2012 USA) [Animation/Adventure] Directors: Mark Andrews, Brenda Chapman, Steve Purcell. Writers: Brenda Chapman, Mark Andrews, Steve Purcell, Irene Mecchi.

( detailed ratings )

total: -5 I was not impressed. But this probably is pretty decent for a Disney movie, as Disney is incredibly problematic. Check out "Mickey Mouse Monopoly" for more info (the link is to a summary/discussion: MMM is a documentary on Disney).

17 Again (2009 USA) [Comedy/Fantasy] Director: Burr Steers Writer: Jason Filardi

( detailed ratings )

Total: -1 mildly bad. On plot and character development, I'd say it was solidly okay, but nothing to shout about. I'd say it's worth watching once if you feel like some fluff - 2.5 star (out of five).

-------------

Eva (2011 Spain) [Drama/Sci-fi] Director: Kike Maíllo Writers: Sergi Belbel, Cristina Clemente, Martí Roca, Aintza Serra

( detailed ratings )

Total: +2 mildly good. On plot and character development, it was very interesting, well-paced, thought-provoking, and emotional but not luridly so. For me it's a 4 star, meaning it's worth watching more than once, but not more than thrice.

-------------

Love Birds (2011 New Zealand) [Comedy/Romance] Director: Paul Murphy Writer: Nick Ward

( detailed ratings, slight spoiler )

Total: +2 which for a romantic comedy is damn good. On plot and character development, it was above average, and it made me cry with happiness at one point. Also a 4 star.

17 Again (2009 USA) [Comedy/Fantasy] Director: Burr Steers Writer: Jason Filardi

( detailed ratings )

Total: -1 mildly bad. On plot and character development, I'd say it was solidly okay, but nothing to shout about. I'd say it's worth watching once if you feel like some fluff - 2.5 star (out of five).

-------------

Eva (2011 Spain) [Drama/Sci-fi] Director: Kike Maíllo Writers: Sergi Belbel, Cristina Clemente, Martí Roca, Aintza Serra

( detailed ratings )

Total: +2 mildly good. On plot and character development, it was very interesting, well-paced, thought-provoking, and emotional but not luridly so. For me it's a 4 star, meaning it's worth watching more than once, but not more than thrice.

-------------

Love Birds (2011 New Zealand) [Comedy/Romance] Director: Paul Murphy Writer: Nick Ward

( detailed ratings, slight spoiler )

Total: +2 which for a romantic comedy is damn good. On plot and character development, it was above average, and it made me cry with happiness at one point. Also a 4 star.

Plusses:

sex/gender (1) no stereotyped characters (1) 3D characters (1-2) passes the Bechdel test (1-2) subversive (1-3) actively calls out bullshit
race/ethnicity (1) inclusion without stereotyping (1) 3D characters (1-2) passes Bechdel (1-2) subversive (1-3) actively calls out bullshit
ableism/lookism (1) inclusion without stereotyping (1) 3D characters (1-2) passes Bechdel (1-2) subversive (1-3) actively calls out bullshit

Minuses:

(2) violations of marginalized people pass unremarked and seemingly without effect
(1) affirms stereotypes (1) more than twice (2) it's in the fucking plotline (example: women love shoes, men are bad at emotion, etc.)
(1) affirms oppressions (1) more than twice (2) it's in the fucking plotline (example: women are biologically designed & obligated to caretake, rape myths, etc.)
(1) primarily a vehicle for white, male, cis, het, financially-unworried, non-disabled, neurotypical character
(1) main supporting character (or majority of ensemble cast) also white, male, cis, het, financially-unworried, non-disabled, and neurotypical
(1) marginalized people rely on wmchfundnt to make their decisions
(1) villain a marginalized person while most other characters are not
(1) storyline about protagonists fighting "the strange other" with no explanation of the "other"'s intentions
(1) storyline about rescuing marginalized peoples without those peoples' input (without characters explaining the harm in that)
(1) kills off marginalized character first/only, with poor cause
(1) erasure (marginalized characters are not portrayed when the setting calls for them to be part of the story)

Examples!

A Little Bit of Heaven:

sex/gender: +6 (1) no stereotyped characters (1) 3D characters (2) passes Bechdel (1) subversive (1) actively calls out bullshit
race/ethnicity: +3 (1) no stereotypes (1) 3D characters (1) subversive
ableism/lookism: +4 (1) no stereotypes (1) 3D characters (1) subversive (1) actively calls out bullshit
=13
-1 affirms stereotypes
-1 erasure
= +11 excellent storytelling

Arthur:

sex/gender (1) no stereotyped characters (1) 3D characters (1) subversive
race/ethnicity (1) inclusion without stereotyping
ableism/lookism (1) inclusion without stereotyping (1) 3D characters
-1 affirms stereotypes
-1 primarily a vehicle for white, male, cis, het, financially-unworried, non-disabled, neurotypical character
= +4 good storytelling

Bad Teacher:

NO PLUSSES. Well, there might have been one point of subversive somewhere but I'm not rewatching to find it.
- 4 (1) affirms stereotypes (1) more than twice (2) it's in the fucking plotline
-1 (1) affirms oppressions
= -5 BAD storytelling
there may also have been -2 for violations of marginalized people pass unremarked and seemingly without effect, 'cause I think there was some fat-shaming but I think it was also counterbalanced? can't remember.

In the future I may explain my assignments in more thorough reviews, this is still in progress ;-)

Plusses:

sex/gender (1) no stereotyped characters (1) 3D characters (1-2) passes the Bechdel test (1-2) subversive (1-3) actively calls out bullshit
race/ethnicity (1) inclusion without stereotyping (1) 3D characters (1-2) passes Bechdel (1-2) subversive (1-3) actively calls out bullshit
ableism/lookism (1) inclusion without stereotyping (1) 3D characters (1-2) passes Bechdel (1-2) subversive (1-3) actively calls out bullshit

Minuses:

(2) violations of marginalized people pass unremarked and seemingly without effect
(1) affirms stereotypes (1) more than twice (2) it's in the fucking plotline (example: women love shoes, men are bad at emotion, etc.)
(1) affirms oppressions (1) more than twice (2) it's in the fucking plotline (example: women are biologically designed & obligated to caretake, rape myths, etc.)
(1) primarily a vehicle for white, male, cis, het, financially-unworried, non-disabled, neurotypical character
(1) main supporting character (or majority of ensemble cast) also white, male, cis, het, financially-unworried, non-disabled, and neurotypical
(1) marginalized people rely on wmchfundnt to make their decisions
(1) villain a marginalized person while most other characters are not
(1) storyline about protagonists fighting "the strange other" with no explanation of the "other"'s intentions
(1) storyline about rescuing marginalized peoples without those peoples' input (without characters explaining the harm in that)
(1) kills off marginalized character first/only, with poor cause
(1) erasure (marginalized characters are not portrayed when the setting calls for them to be part of the story)

Examples!

A Little Bit of Heaven:

sex/gender: +6 (1) no stereotyped characters (1) 3D characters (2) passes Bechdel (1) subversive (1) actively calls out bullshit
race/ethnicity: +3 (1) no stereotypes (1) 3D characters (1) subversive
ableism/lookism: +4 (1) no stereotypes (1) 3D characters (1) subversive (1) actively calls out bullshit
=13
-1 affirms stereotypes
-1 erasure
= +11 excellent storytelling

Arthur:

sex/gender (1) no stereotyped characters (1) 3D characters (1) subversive
race/ethnicity (1) inclusion without stereotyping
ableism/lookism (1) inclusion without stereotyping (1) 3D characters
-1 affirms stereotypes
-1 primarily a vehicle for white, male, cis, het, financially-unworried, non-disabled, neurotypical character
= +4 good storytelling

Bad Teacher:

NO PLUSSES. Well, there might have been one point of subversive somewhere but I'm not rewatching to find it.
- 4 (1) affirms stereotypes (1) more than twice (2) it's in the fucking plotline
-1 (1) affirms oppressions
= -5 BAD storytelling
there may also have been -2 for violations of marginalized people pass unremarked and seemingly without effect, 'cause I think there was some fat-shaming but I think it was also counterbalanced? can't remember.

In the future I may explain my assignments in more thorough reviews, this is still in progress ;-)

( dream! )

What is really bizarre about this is that both dream-characters are so different from the faces they took on. Allison was probably my most body-positive friend in high school, as well as one of the most non-judgmental people I've known and not at all violent. B is probably the least cuddly person I know and (at least in the past) one of the least 'let's work it out' people I know.

But then, my dreams about speaking up about lookism tend to result in people being violently angry with me. Does my psyche use it as a symbol for all prejudice? that makes sense as it contributes massively to all other prejudices. Maybe I'm really afraid of being attacked if I speak up boldly. In the dreams, something happens that is intensely dreadful enough to shock me out of fear. In real life it's almost always more subtle and when I respond I always try to do so gently (unless I have great trust that the person will listen to my argument regardless of 'tone').

( dream! )

What is really bizarre about this is that both dream-characters are so different from the faces they took on. Allison was probably my most body-positive friend in high school, as well as one of the most non-judgmental people I've known and not at all violent. B is probably the least cuddly person I know and (at least in the past) one of the least 'let's work it out' people I know.

But then, my dreams about speaking up about lookism tend to result in people being violently angry with me. Does my psyche use it as a symbol for all prejudice? that makes sense as it contributes massively to all other prejudices. Maybe I'm really afraid of being attacked if I speak up boldly. In the dreams, something happens that is intensely dreadful enough to shock me out of fear. In real life it's almost always more subtle and when I respond I always try to do so gently (unless I have great trust that the person will listen to my argument regardless of 'tone').

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )

( screaming about lookism )

This is the second time in as many weeks that I've had a dream where I screamed about lookism. (a Bel-definition of the word: lookism is the attitude that it is appropriate to rate the attractiveness of people (others and/or oneself) by external qualities. Lookism is prejudice based on one's own ideal for attractiveness, which may or may not match the societal ideal, and may or may not include more than one style of look. ANYTHING that says "x is more attractive than y" is lookist -- thus, saying that curvy women are prettier than slender women is just as lookist as the opposite). I think my dreams are using lookism as a stand-in for all prejudice.

I've been spending more time with people who haven't been hand-picked for their willingness to unlearn prejudice (like my LJ friends) and so I've been hearing a lot more lookism and sexism (which intersect really well as lookism is closely tied to gender -- ideals are often measured by how 'feminine' or 'masculine' they are). And I really don't know how to react. Because honestly if I spoke up every time someone said something prejudiced I'd be doing it every five minutes! it's how people relate! So I can't do it every time but I don't know how to pick the best times so I end up saying nothing. Apparently my spirit is getting so fed up with my silence that it is screaming when it gets the chance -- in my dreams.

How do you know when you know someone well enough to possibly embarrass them by pointing out that their mindset is prejudiced? I mean, I'm fine doing that with my deep relationships because I don't want deep relationships with prejudiced people, but with casual relationships? If it's one issue, it's so simple, but when it's an issue tied with five more issues, all of which together form the person's worldview, where do you even begin? I don't want to change anyone, necessarily, I just don't want to come away feeling like I've been silent in the face of prejudice when I should have taken the opportunity to speak up. And I don't want to be TOO bold and have someone close off to change when they might have otherwise realized their error. I just want to be true to my beliefs in a way that is not so harsh it gets shut out and not so gentle it isn't noticed. I really am not sure how to develop this balance. ((I'm not really looking for advice right now, because I feel like this is something I need to figure out on my own, but if you want to share your own experiences of confronting prejudice, they'd be very welcome.))

( screaming about lookism )

This is the second time in as many weeks that I've had a dream where I screamed about lookism. (a Bel-definition of the word: lookism is the attitude that it is appropriate to rate the attractiveness of people (others and/or oneself) by external qualities. Lookism is prejudice based on one's own ideal for attractiveness, which may or may not match the societal ideal, and may or may not include more than one style of look. ANYTHING that says "x is more attractive than y" is lookist -- thus, saying that curvy women are prettier than slender women is just as lookist as the opposite). I think my dreams are using lookism as a stand-in for all prejudice.

I've been spending more time with people who haven't been hand-picked for their willingness to unlearn prejudice (like my LJ friends) and so I've been hearing a lot more lookism and sexism (which intersect really well as lookism is closely tied to gender -- ideals are often measured by how 'feminine' or 'masculine' they are). And I really don't know how to react. Because honestly if I spoke up every time someone said something prejudiced I'd be doing it every five minutes! it's how people relate! So I can't do it every time but I don't know how to pick the best times so I end up saying nothing. Apparently my spirit is getting so fed up with my silence that it is screaming when it gets the chance -- in my dreams.

How do you know when you know someone well enough to possibly embarrass them by pointing out that their mindset is prejudiced? I mean, I'm fine doing that with my deep relationships because I don't want deep relationships with prejudiced people, but with casual relationships? If it's one issue, it's so simple, but when it's an issue tied with five more issues, all of which together form the person's worldview, where do you even begin? I don't want to change anyone, necessarily, I just don't want to come away feeling like I've been silent in the face of prejudice when I should have taken the opportunity to speak up. And I don't want to be TOO bold and have someone close off to change when they might have otherwise realized their error. I just want to be true to my beliefs in a way that is not so harsh it gets shut out and not so gentle it isn't noticed. I really am not sure how to develop this balance. ((I'm not really looking for advice right now, because I feel like this is something I need to figure out on my own, but if you want to share your own experiences of confronting prejudice, they'd be very welcome.))

( screaming about lookism )

This is the second time in as many weeks that I've had a dream where I screamed about lookism. (a Bel-definition of the word: lookism is the attitude that it is appropriate to rate the attractiveness of people (others and/or oneself) by external qualities. Lookism is prejudice based on one's own ideal for attractiveness, which may or may not match the societal ideal, and may or may not include more than one style of look. ANYTHING that says "x is more attractive than y" is lookist -- thus, saying that curvy women are prettier than slender women is just as lookist as the opposite). I think my dreams are using lookism as a stand-in for all prejudice.

I've been spending more time with people who haven't been hand-picked for their willingness to unlearn prejudice (like my LJ friends) and so I've been hearing a lot more lookism and sexism (which intersect really well as lookism is closely tied to gender -- ideals are often measured by how 'feminine' or 'masculine' they are). And I really don't know how to react. Because honestly if I spoke up every time someone said something prejudiced I'd be doing it every five minutes! it's how people relate! So I can't do it every time but I don't know how to pick the best times so I end up saying nothing. Apparently my spirit is getting so fed up with my silence that it is screaming when it gets the chance -- in my dreams.

How do you know when you know someone well enough to possibly embarrass them by pointing out that their mindset is prejudiced? I mean, I'm fine doing that with my deep relationships because I don't want deep relationships with prejudiced people, but with casual relationships? If it's one issue, it's so simple, but when it's an issue tied with five more issues, all of which together form the person's worldview, where do you even begin? I don't want to change anyone, necessarily, I just don't want to come away feeling like I've been silent in the face of prejudice when I should have taken the opportunity to speak up. And I don't want to be TOO bold and have someone close off to change when they might have otherwise realized their error. I just want to be true to my beliefs in a way that is not so harsh it gets shut out and not so gentle it isn't noticed. I really am not sure how to develop this balance. ((I'm not really looking for advice right now, because I feel like this is something I need to figure out on my own, but if you want to share your own experiences of confronting prejudice, they'd be very welcome.))