I'm crying right now because I just read a TED talk that felt like a portrait of my soul. (thank you thank you deatacita for sharing it) Particularly this:

"...these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others, because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people if we can't treat ourselves kindly. And the last was they had connection, and -- this was the hard part -- as a result of authenticity, they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do that for connection.

The other thing that they had in common was this: They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating -- as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. They just talked about it being necessary." (emphasis mine)

If there is ever an aspect of me that you want to emulate, I hope it is my willingness to be imperfect and witnessed in that imperfection, even in my worst aspects. If I ever seem to be hiding my imperfections, I beg you call me on it. I must not lose my willingness to be witnessed as a complete mess, or I will lose my soul.

darkestgarden asked me: have you ever felt that you were just plain wrong somehow about prior [spiritual] beliefs?

Yes. I used to believe in an afterlife, because I believed human bodies contained one soul and that soul left the body at death and went to another existence. Then I began to think about the fact that I am made up of literal billions of creatures, and I see all creatures as having a soul, so there is more than one soul in my body. I don't remember the conversation, but sometime after considering that, Topaz and I were talking about an afterlife and I realized my previous beliefs no longer made sense with my understanding of myself. Since I have only ever lived together with these billions of souls, what makes me think I would be the same creature if I was no longer influenced by them in incomprehensible ways? The logical thought is that I would not. So, poof, an afterlife as I had imagined it doesn't exist. I am frankly very disappointed to realize this, as my perception of afterlife involved getting to create from the raw stuff of the universe. But I can't believe in it just because it sounds nice, it has to make sense to me.

However, I do believe all memories are stored in a shared consciousness, and so in some ways I would still exist, just not as a singular consciousness in a recognizable configuration. I think that sometimes a pattern of thinking matches previous patterns so closely that one can recall them easily (past lives). And sometimes a pattern is imprinted on a place or person so strongly that people coming near it are faced with that memory (ghosts). And I believe that when people die their memories are 'uploaded' and in near-death or technically-resurrected experiences, a person's consciousness is observing their memories be uploaded. I think that the reason that they often experience a transformation is because they can feel the interconnectedness of all things in that moment. I think they see their deity many times because that is a pattern of many memories that is really important to them. I think that it is possible to access this feeling without dying, but I have not done it.

I believe these things because they make intuitive sense to me and they explain a lot. If it somehow ceases to make sense to me, I will stop believing it.

(where I first talked about this)

ETA: also I consider thought to be a kind of energy which can affect other things, and I consider deities to be thought-beings, sort of like clouds -- they're not really an individual THING so much as they are a collection of things that seem like a single solid thing. However I don't think that the only deities that exist are ones which are acknowledged as such. For instance I consider the largest deity for the US to be Capitalism; people fight and kill and die for this deity, suffer their whole lives in holy servitude to the idea that if they sell their labor long enough and hard enough they will be rewarded with an afterlife called wealthy retirement.

justben is... ohmyGod/dessfuckingamazing. Wow. Tonight I was on the verge of tears several times because I'm just completely overwhelmed by ( how incredibly tender ze is )

The connection I feel with Ben is so different from any I've felt before -- I've felt we have a soul connection but after tonight I'm pretty sure we have a heart connection too. I've never met any others who had both a soul and heart connection with me so this blend is quite new and amazingly different from the soul-only and heart-only connections I've experienced. (what I mean when I refer to heart and soul) And ohhh, it's lovely. ♥

I am so the luckiest person in the universe. I have the most AMAZING people in my life!

justben is... ohmyGod/dessfuckingamazing. Wow. Tonight I was on the verge of tears several times because I'm just completely overwhelmed by ( how incredibly tender ze is )

The connection I feel with Ben is so different from any I've felt before -- I've felt we have a soul connection but after tonight I'm pretty sure we have a heart connection too. I've never met any others who had both a soul and heart connection with me so this blend is quite new and amazingly different from the soul-only and heart-only connections I've experienced. (what I mean when I refer to heart and soul) And ohhh, it's lovely. ♥

I am so the luckiest person in the universe. I have the most AMAZING people in my life!

I'm really filled with love for you all right now ♥ I feel so blessed to have people like you in my life! Thinking about you makes me just shake my head and glow in wonder... All of you are my learnsharers, my teacher/students. I love learning with you! I'm so glad you're with me on my journey.

(now for the actual subject of my post!) For months I'd had a plan in the back of my mind for a spiritual creative project -- prayer runes -- but it never felt like the right time to actually make them. I spent quite a few hours on them each day of the fast (as they had to dry between times so that the paper wouldn't melt), and since then I've been using them in my meditation/prayer time.

I made them for the people who've had some kind of major positive impact on my life, regardless of whether or not we are currently in contact or on good terms. ((for instance, "Michael?" is someone whose last name I never knew, who was the first violet spirit I ever met -- I'd never felt such an instant or deep connection before zir, and ze opened my eyes to the possibility of so many things. Have you ever met a stranger with whom your eyes LOCKED, you could not tear your gaze away, and you felt COMFORTABLE with such an intimate thing even while talking?)) There are at least two more people whom I love very much and want to add -- but I wanted to keep this to people who I'd made a real-time connection with, otherwise I'd have made a ton more. But I do have hopes to make new runes as you become more of a part of my life.

The colors aren't perfect, as I was using markers and couldn't layer/mix colors (and some of them melted a bit), but they're pretty close for the most part, in real life. (in my photos they're a bit off) The center color is what I see the person's spirit as; the middle color is the heart; and the outer color is the soul. ((explanation of what I mean by those words))



( photos )

I keep the bag in my sanctuary, and when I go in to meditate I draw two runes, place them on my altar, and pray for those two people. Throughout the day I keep them in my mind, praying over them and sending them love. I also have a bowl of papers which have the names of all my flist (except a few who I don't feel like I know well enough yet) and I draw eight of those and pray over them as well (but don't keep them in my mind because I think I'd forget some if I tried to keep that many at a time).

So far this has been a wonderful motivation for me to meditate, because I feel like the universe can tell me who most needs some divine attention (or just love from me) and then I can act on that ♥ (and! they're so pretty, I just love looking at them! glass+glitter+color = love) I love how they each feel so true to me; like a little connection to you.

I'm really filled with love for you all right now ♥ I feel so blessed to have people like you in my life! Thinking about you makes me just shake my head and glow in wonder... All of you are my learnsharers, my teacher/students. I love learning with you! I'm so glad you're with me on my journey.

(now for the actual subject of my post!) For months I'd had a plan in the back of my mind for a spiritual creative project -- prayer runes -- but it never felt like the right time to actually make them. I spent quite a few hours on them each day of the fast (as they had to dry between times so that the paper wouldn't melt), and since then I've been using them in my meditation/prayer time.

I made them for the people who've had some kind of major positive impact on my life, regardless of whether or not we are currently in contact or on good terms. ((for instance, "Michael?" is someone whose last name I never knew, who was the first violet spirit I ever met -- I'd never felt such an instant or deep connection before zir, and ze opened my eyes to the possibility of so many things. Have you ever met a stranger with whom your eyes LOCKED, you could not tear your gaze away, and you felt COMFORTABLE with such an intimate thing even while talking?)) There are at least two more people whom I love very much and want to add -- but I wanted to keep this to people who I'd made a real-time connection with, otherwise I'd have made a ton more. But I do have hopes to make new runes as you become more of a part of my life.

The colors aren't perfect, as I was using markers and couldn't layer/mix colors (and some of them melted a bit), but they're pretty close for the most part, in real life. (in my photos they're a bit off) The center color is what I see the person's spirit as; the middle color is the heart; and the outer color is the soul. ((explanation of what I mean by those words))



( photos )

I keep the bag in my sanctuary, and when I go in to meditate I draw two runes, place them on my altar, and pray for those two people. Throughout the day I keep them in my mind, praying over them and sending them love. I also have a bowl of papers which have the names of all my flist (except a few who I don't feel like I know well enough yet) and I draw eight of those and pray over them as well (but don't keep them in my mind because I think I'd forget some if I tried to keep that many at a time).

So far this has been a wonderful motivation for me to meditate, because I feel like the universe can tell me who most needs some divine attention (or just love from me) and then I can act on that ♥ (and! they're so pretty, I just love looking at them! glass+glitter+color = love) I love how they each feel so true to me; like a little connection to you.

I'm really filled with love for you all right now ♥ I feel so blessed to have people like you in my life! Thinking about you makes me just shake my head and glow in wonder... All of you are my learnsharers, my teacher/students. I love learning with you! I'm so glad you're with me on my journey.

(now for the actual subject of my post!) For months I'd had a plan in the back of my mind for a spiritual creative project -- prayer runes -- but it never felt like the right time to actually make them. I spent quite a few hours on them each day of the fast (as they had to dry between times so that the paper wouldn't melt), and since then I've been using them in my meditation/prayer time.

I made them for the people who've had some kind of major positive impact on my life, regardless of whether or not we are currently in contact or on good terms. ((for instance, "Michael?" is someone whose last name I never knew, who was the first violet spirit I ever met -- I'd never felt such an instant or deep connection before zir, and ze opened my eyes to the possibility of so many things. Have you ever met a stranger with whom your eyes LOCKED, you could not tear your gaze away, and you felt COMFORTABLE with such an intimate thing even while talking?)) There are at least two more people whom I love very much and want to add -- but I wanted to keep this to people who I'd made a real-time connection with, otherwise I'd have made a ton more. But I do have hopes to make new runes as you become more of a part of my life.

The colors aren't perfect, as I was using markers and couldn't layer/mix colors (and some of them melted a bit), but they're pretty close for the most part, in real life. (in my photos they're a bit off) The center color is what I see the person's spirit as; the middle color is the heart; and the outer color is the soul. ((explanation of what I mean by those words))



( photos )

I keep the bag in my sanctuary, and when I go in to meditate I draw two runes, place them on my altar, and pray for those two people. Throughout the day I keep them in my mind, praying over them and sending them love. I also have a bowl of papers which have the names of all my flist (except a few who I don't feel like I know well enough yet) and I draw eight of those and pray over them as well (but don't keep them in my mind because I think I'd forget some if I tried to keep that many at a time).

So far this has been a wonderful motivation for me to meditate, because I feel like the universe can tell me who most needs some divine attention (or just love from me) and then I can act on that ♥ (and! they're so pretty, I just love looking at them! glass+glitter+color = love) I love how they each feel so true to me; like a little connection to you.

DISCLAIMER: this is my view. These are my beliefs. They are not based on any religion, though religions have planted seeds that sprouted into these beliefs. They cannot be 'right' or 'wrong' and I will not tolerate any such claims. Feel free to share how your beliefs differ or are the same, but approach with respect. (i.e.: "I think this" not "no, it is this way") This is an extremely sensitive and extremely intense part of my belief system, and careless words would be very hurtful.

spirit (ka) -- the way you connect to life source.
        This is your core self, perfect and unable to be broken, corrupted, or changed in any way, because it is literally a piece of life source within you. This is where all healing comes from. Our spirit is in constant communication with the source of life, but if our heart is closed we cannot sense our spirit, our soul, mind, and body cannot connect with it. Sometimes we need to connect with someone else in order to reach through our other layers and allow life force to flow fully through our being. Prayer, sex, and energy healing help with this (and probably other things I don't have words for). Everyone has a perfectly beautiful spirit, but sometimes it is deeply hidden under layers of pain and cannot be easily seen -- and sometimes people are very wounded in heart or soul and treat us terribly, but we can still see their spirit and so we still love them. (that can be extremely confusing, because often all others can see is the hurtful outside, while you see the spirit -- and it's really hard to recognise that sometimes despite that connection, it is not the right time to be close to that person)

If you have a strong spirit connection with someone, ( ... )

------------
heart (ib) -- the way you connect to the world.
        This is where a person's spirituality is, how they emotionally understand their faith. This is like the iris of an eye -- it can change by opening up or closing, but otherwise stays the same. You can choose whether to open it or not, but if the soul is wounded the heart cannot shine through clearly even if it is open. It's the part of you that connects with the rest of creation -- people, animals, etc. It's where your own style of loving comes from.

When you have a strong heart connection with someone, ( ... )

------------
soul (ba) -- the way you interact with the world.
        I think this is where a person's personality (outward expression of self) is, how they approach challenges. This changes a lot as it matures. If it is wounded and not yet healed in a place, that place will be a dark spot where the heart and spirit cannot shine through.

When you have a strong soul connection with someone, ( ... )

------------
( mind & body )

I see spirit as this one universal thing that all living beings are facets of (people, trees, animals, rocks, etc). Humans have additional non-physical parts; our individual hearts are wrapped around our spirit-facet, and then our soul is wrapped around that, and it is our soul that we bump into others with. I kinda see life source as this snakelocks anemone, and humans are special tentacles with two 'gloves' on, the heart and soul. We are unique in the same way each tentacle is unique, and we are all the same in the sense that we are all part of the same body, the universe. We are all extremely important because only by understanding fully every human and every living thing could one even begin to understand the universe. At our core, our spirit, we DO understand everything fully, and I believe that when we die, we will "know fully, even as [we are] fully known" because our wounds/blocks will be gone, and our spirits will be able to shine through us completely, even into our minds. I believe we can do this in a limited way now -- we call it intuition, when our spirits speak and our mind hears. "Intuition allows one to draw on that vast storehouse of unconscious knowledge that includes not only everything that one has experienced or learned, either consciously or subliminally, but also the infinite reservoir of the collective or universal unconscious." (Frances E. Vaughan) Or basically, our intuition is our connection to life source, which is all things and therefore omniscient, and when we tap into it we can know anything that is known.

I see the ethereal parts -- spirit, heart, soul -- as colors. People who have like colors to me have a connection to me. For instance, I see myself as having a vivid violet spirit, and I see Hannah with a lavender-violet spirit, so we have a strong spirit connection. I see my heart as spring green, and I see Aurilion with a minty-teal heart, so we have a very strong heart connection. I see my soul as bright scarlet, and I see Kat with an intensely red soul also, so we have a strong soul connection. Colors are the best way for me to understand these connections, because they don't fit into words, but you can get the gist of them by reading my description of the types of connections. (I also have ethereal connections with others, but I'm not going to list them all now because I want to make that into its own post)

thanks to Nick, Hannah, and Ava for inspiring me to FINALLY get this written.

DISCLAIMER: this is my view. These are my beliefs. They are not based on any religion, though religions have planted seeds that sprouted into these beliefs. They cannot be 'right' or 'wrong' and I will not tolerate any such claims. Feel free to share how your beliefs differ or are the same, but approach with respect. (i.e.: "I think this" not "no, it is this way") This is an extremely sensitive and extremely intense part of my belief system, and careless words would be very hurtful.

spirit (ka) -- the way you connect to the divine.
        This is your core self, perfect and unable to be broken, corrupted, or changed in any way, because it is literally a part of the divine within you. This is where all healing comes from. Our spirit is in constant communication with the divine, but if our heart is closed we cannot sense our spirit, our soul, mind, and body cannot connect with the divine. Sometimes we need to connect with someone else in order to reach through our other layers and allow the divine to flow fully through our being. Prayer, sex, and energy healing help with this (and probably other things I don't have words for). Everyone has a perfectly beautiful spirit, but sometimes it is deeply hidden under layers of pain and cannot be easily seen -- and sometimes people are very wounded in heart or soul and treat us terribly, but we can still see their spirit and so we still love them. (that can be extremely confusing, because often all others can see is the hurtful outside, while you see the spirit -- and it's really hard to recognise that sometimes despite that connection, it is not the right time to be close to that person)

If you have a strong spirit connection with someone, ( ... )

------------
heart (ib) -- the way you connect to the world.
        This is where a person's spirituality is, how they emotionally understand their faith. This is like the iris of an eye -- it can change by opening up or closing, but otherwise stays the same. You can choose whether to open it or not, but if the soul is wounded the heart cannot shine through clearly even if it is open. It's the part of you that connects with the rest of creation -- people, animals, etc. It's where your own style of loving comes from.

When you have a strong heart connection with someone, ( ... )

------------
soul (ba) -- the way you interact with the world.
        I think this is where a person's personality (outward expression of self) is, how they approach challenges. This changes a lot as it matures. If it is wounded and not yet healed in a place, that place will be a dark spot where the heart and spirit cannot shine through.

When you have a strong soul connection with someone, ( ... )

------------
( mind & body )

I see spirit as this one universal thing that all living beings are facets of (people, trees, animals, rocks, etc). Humans have additional non-physical parts; our individual hearts are wrapped around our spirit-facet, and then our soul is wrapped around that, and it is our soul that we bump into others with. I kinda see God/dess as this snakelocks anemone, and humans are special tentacles with two 'gloves' on, the heart and soul. We are unique in the same way each tentacle is unique, and we are all the same in the sense that we are all part of the same body, the universe. We are all extremely important because only by understanding fully every human and every created thing could one even begin to understand God/dess. At our core, our spirit, we DO understand everything fully, and I believe that when we die, we will "know fully, even as [we are] fully known" because our wounds/blocks will be gone, and our spirits will be able to shine through us completely, even into our minds. I believe we can do this in a limited way now -- we call it intuition, when our spirits speak and our mind hears. "Intuition allows one to draw on that vast storehouse of unconscious knowledge that includes not only everything that one has experienced or learned, either consciously or subliminally, but also the infinite reservoir of the collective or universal unconscious." (Frances E. Vaughan) Or basically, our intuition is our connection to God/dess, which is all things and therefore omniscient, and when we tap into it we can know anything that is known.

I see the ethereal parts -- spirit, heart, soul -- as colors. People who have like colors to me have a connection to me. For instance, I see myself as having a vivid violet spirit, and I see Hannah with a lavender-violet spirit, so we have a strong spirit connection. I see my heart as spring green, and I see Lily with a minty-teal heart, so we have a very strong heart connection. I see my soul as bright scarlet, and I see Kat with an intensely red soul also, so we have a strong soul connection. Colors are the best way for me to understand these connections, because they don't fit into words, but you can get the gist of them by reading my description of the types of connections. (I also have ethereal connections with others, but I'm not going to list them all now because I want to make that into its own post)

thanks to Nick, Hannah, and Ava for inspiring me to FINALLY get this written.

DISCLAIMER: this is my view. These are my beliefs. They are not based on any religion, though religions have planted seeds that sprouted into these beliefs. They cannot be 'right' or 'wrong' and I will not tolerate any such claims. Feel free to share how your beliefs differ or are the same, but approach with respect. (i.e.: "I think this" not "no, it is this way") This is an extremely sensitive and extremely intense part of my belief system, and careless words would be very hurtful.

spirit (ka) -- the way you connect to the divine.
        This is your core self, perfect and unable to be broken, corrupted, or changed in any way, because it is literally a part of the divine within you. This is where all healing comes from. Our spirit is in constant communication with the divine, but if our heart is closed we cannot sense our spirit, our soul, mind, and body cannot connect with the divine. Sometimes we need to connect with someone else in order to reach through our other layers and allow the divine to flow fully through our being. Prayer, sex, and energy healing help with this (and probably other things I don't have words for). Everyone has a perfectly beautiful spirit, but sometimes it is deeply hidden under layers of pain and cannot be easily seen -- and sometimes people are very wounded in heart or soul and treat us terribly, but we can still see their spirit and so we still love them. (that can be extremely confusing, because often all others can see is the hurtful outside, while you see the spirit -- and it's really hard to recognise that sometimes despite that connection, it is not the right time to be close to that person)

If you have a strong spirit connection with someone, ( ... )

------------
heart (ib) -- the way you connect to the world.
        This is where a person's spirituality is, how they emotionally understand their faith. This is like the iris of an eye -- it can change by opening up or closing, but otherwise stays the same. You can choose whether to open it or not, but if the soul is wounded the heart cannot shine through clearly even if it is open. It's the part of you that connects with the rest of creation -- people, animals, etc. It's where your own style of loving comes from.

When you have a strong heart connection with someone, ( ... )

------------
soul (ba) -- the way you interact with the world.
        I think this is where a person's personality (outward expression of self) is, how they approach challenges. This changes a lot as it matures. If it is wounded and not yet healed in a place, that place will be a dark spot where the heart and spirit cannot shine through.

When you have a strong soul connection with someone, ( ... )

------------
( mind & body )

I see spirit as this one universal thing that all created things are facets of (people, trees, animals, rocks, etc). Humans have additional non-physical parts; our individual hearts are wrapped around our spirit-facet, and then our soul is wrapped around that, and it is our soul that we bump into others with. I kinda see God/dess as this snakelocks anemone, and humans are special tentacles with two 'gloves' on, the heart and soul. We are unique in the same way each tentacle is unique, and we are all the same in the sense that we are all part of the same body, the universe. We are all extremely important because only by understanding fully every human and every created thing could one even begin to understand God/dess. At our core, our spirit, we DO understand everything fully, and I believe that when we die, we will "know fully, even as [we are] fully known" because our wounds/blocks will be gone, and our spirits will be able to shine through us completely, even into our minds. I believe we can do this in a limited way now -- we call it intuition, when our spirits speak and our mind hears. "Intuition allows one to draw on that vast storehouse of unconscious knowledge that includes not only everything that one has experienced or learned, either consciously or subliminally, but also the infinite reservoir of the collective or universal unconscious." (Frances E. Vaughan) Or basically, our intuition is our connection to God/dess, which is all things and therefore omniscient, and when we tap into it we can know anything that is known.

I see the ethereal parts -- spirit, heart, soul -- as colors. People who have like colors to me have a connection to me. For instance, I see myself as having a vivid violet spirit, and I see Hannah with a lavender-violet spirit, so we have a strong spirit connection. I see my heart as spring green, and I see Lily with a minty-teal heart, so we have a very strong heart connection. I see my soul as bright scarlet, and I see Kat with an intensely red soul also, so we have a strong soul connection. Colors are the best way for me to understand these connections, because they don't fit into words, but you can get the gist of them by reading my description of the types of connections. (I also have ethereal connections with others, but I'm not going to list them all now because I want to make that into its own post)

thanks to Nick, Hannah, and Ava for inspiring me to FINALLY get this written.

Mama oh mama if you only heard
the reasons for living, the freedom of words
the blooming balloon of a thought being born
safe in the branches of Juniper’s arms

...Juniper by Noe Venable...
Tell every bell to just wake up and ring
Tell this whole choir to just shut up and sing
Mama oh mama I’m holding your hand
In these glorious dreams in which you understand

I'm utterly in love with Noe Venable. *shiver* so much earnestness and love in her voice... and I loved "Juniper", felt the meaning behind it before I saw this video where she gives some background on it. Now I admire her even more.

9 out of 13 songs on her album "the world is bound by secret knots" have intense meaning to me. I want to hold each of them up like a jewel to the light so that you can be illuminated by the truth in them and share it with me, feel it with me, LIVE it with me. I haven't been this inspired by an artist since The Benjamin Gate, years ago... oh, I missed this. I feel like I'm being renewed.

The poem I posted a few weeks ago was the first I've written in at least 3 years. I feel inexplicably blessed by it -- I feel like my muse has returned to me. Perhaps she has forgiven me at last for putting her on display before evil people who stripped and beat her. Perhaps I have finally made my soul a place she would like to call home again.

I also feel like my spirituality is being renewed -- today in church I felt a connection with God/dess that I haven't felt in SO many years. Part of that is just the natural result of my searching, but I believe Noe's music helped unfold the mystery.

If you want more of her music, she offers many of her songs for free here: noevenable.com. Once I can narrow it down I will post my favorites from the album.

And it's not only Noe -- Orenda Fink, Jamie Blake, and Missy Higgins have been my lodestars also, recently. ♥ And Nea and Ava and Kat and Megan and Sara and... all you beautiful people. ♥

Mama oh mama if you only heard
the reasons for living, the freedom of words
the blooming balloon of a thought being born
safe in the branches of Juniper’s arms

...Juniper by Noe Venable...
Tell every bell to just wake up and ring
Tell this whole choir to just shut up and sing
Mama oh mama I’m holding your hand
In these glorious dreams in which you understand

I'm utterly in love with Noe Venable. *shiver* so much earnestness and love in her voice... and I loved "Juniper", felt the meaning behind it before I saw this video where she gives some background on it. Now I admire her even more.

9 out of 13 songs on her album "the world is bound by secret knots" have intense meaning to me. I want to hold each of them up like a jewel to the light so that you can be illuminated by the truth in them and share it with me, feel it with me, LIVE it with me. I haven't been this inspired by an artist since The Benjamin Gate, years ago... oh, I missed this. I feel like I'm being renewed.

The poem I posted a few weeks ago was the first I've written in at least 3 years. I feel inexplicably blessed by it -- I feel like my muse has returned to me. Perhaps she has forgiven me at last for putting her on display before evil people who stripped and beat her. Perhaps I have finally made my soul a place she would like to call home again.

I also feel like my spirituality is being renewed -- today in church I felt a connection with God/dess that I haven't felt in SO many years. Part of that is just the natural result of my searching, but I believe Noe's music helped unfold the mystery.

If you want more of her music, she offers many of her songs for free here: noevenable.com. Once I can narrow it down I will post my favorites from the album.

And it's not only Noe -- Orenda Fink, Jamie Blake, and Missy Higgins have been my lodestars also, recently. ♥ And Nea and Ava and Kat and Megan and Sara and... all you beautiful people. ♥

Mama oh mama if you only heard
the reasons for living, the freedom of words
the blooming balloon of a thought being born
safe in the branches of Juniper’s arms

...Juniper by Noe Venable...
Tell every bell to just wake up and ring
Tell this whole choir to just shut up and sing
Mama oh mama I’m holding your hand
In these glorious dreams in which you understand

I'm utterly in love with Noe Venable. *shiver* so much earnestness and love in her voice... and I loved "Juniper", felt the meaning behind it before I saw this video where she gives some background on it. Now I admire her even more.

9 out of 13 songs on her album "the world is bound by secret knots" have intense meaning to me. I want to hold each of them up like a jewel to the light so that you can be illuminated by the truth in them and share it with me, feel it with me, LIVE it with me. I haven't been this inspired by an artist since The Benjamin Gate, years ago... oh, I missed this. I feel like I'm being renewed.

The poem I posted a few weeks ago was the first I've written in at least 3 years. I feel inexplicably blessed by it -- I feel like my muse has returned to me. Perhaps she has forgiven me at last for putting her on display before evil people who stripped and beat her. Perhaps I have finally made my soul a place she would like to call home again.

I also feel like my spirituality is being renewed -- today in church I felt a connection with God/dess that I haven't felt in SO many years. Part of that is just the natural result of my searching, but I believe Noe's music helped unfold the mystery.

If you want more of her music, she offers many of her songs for free here: noevenable.com. Once I can narrow it down I will post my favorites from the album.

And it's not only Noe -- Orenda Fink, Jamie Blake, and Missy Higgins have been my lodestars also, recently. ♥ And Nea and Ava and Kat and Megan and Sara and... all you beautiful people. ♥

Self-education update: I got way behind on posting my list, but I've spent the last couple of days catching up on my brief ratings and reviews so I could share with you.

For the newbies and the short of memory: I call this self-education, because I read to expand my mind (and enjoy myself). Some are fiction, some aren't -- but every book is a collection of thoughts from someone else, and by comparing/contrasting my way of thinking with the ways presented in the book, I can broaden my views. My brain also runs differently when reading -- I can't explain it but it makes my ways of thinking more organized somehow. It's like mental stretching, I suppose -- it makes me more mentally limber.

( how I star them: )

1. The Merlin Effect by T. A. Barron (YA sci-fi) ✰ ✰ ( ... )
2. The Girls Next Door: Into the Heart of Lesbian America by Lindsy Van Gelder & Pamela Robin Brandt (non-fiction) ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ( ... )
3. The Magic and the Healing by Nick O'Donohoe (YA fantasy) ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰
4. Under the Healing Sign by Nick O'Donohoe (YA fantasy) ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰
5. The Healing of Crossroads by Nick O'Donohoe (YA fantasy) ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ( ... )
6. Mara, Daughter of the Nile by Eloise Jarvis McGraw (historical fiction) ✰ ✰ ( ... )
7. Ramses: The Son of Light by Christian Jacq (historical fiction) ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ( ... )
8. Keeping You a Secret by Julie Anne Peters (YA fiction) ✰ ✰ ✰ ( ... )
9. Just Another Kid by Torey Hayden (non-fiction) ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ( ... )
10. Beautiful Child by Torey Hayden (non-fiction) ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ( ... )
11. Twilight Children by Torey Hayden (non-fiction) ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ( ... )
12. Closer To The Light by Melvin Morse, M.D. (non-fiction) ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ( ... )
13. Mystic and Rider by Sharon Shinn (fantasy) ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ( ... )
14. The Canopy by Angela Hunt (christian fiction) ✰ ✰ ( ... )
15. The Glass Harmonica by Louise Marley (sci-fi/historical fic) ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ( ... )
16. Cat Talk by Carole Wilbourn (non-fiction) ✰ ✰ ✰ ( ... )
17. The O'Connors: Roses and Rain & Shadows in the Mist by Karen Young (contemp. romance) ✰ ✰ ( ... )
18. Between Lovers by Eric Jerome Dickey (contemp. romance) ✰ ( ... )
19. Acorna's Quest by Anne McCaffery & Margaret Ball (sci-fi) ✰ ✰ ✰ ( ... )
20. Acorna's People by Anne McCaffery & Elizabeth Ann Scarborough (sci-fi) ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ( ... )
21. The Godmother by Elizabeth Ann Scarborough (sci-fi/fantasy) ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ( ... )
22. Song of Sorcery by Elizabeth Ann Scarborough (fantasy) ✰ ✰ ✰ ( ... )
23. The Harem of Aman Akbar by Elizabeth Ann Scarborough (fantasy) ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ( ... )
24. Lord of the Two Lands by Judith Tarr (historical fiction) ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ( ... )
25. The Search for Fierra by Stephen Lawhead (sci-fi) ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ( ... )
26. A Woman Like That : Lesbian and Bisexual Writers Tell Their Coming Out Stories by Joan Larkin (non-fiction) ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ( ... )
27. The Thirteenth House by Sharon Shinn (fantasy) ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ( ... )
28. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J. K. Rowling (fantasy) ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ( ... )
29. I Have Chosen to Stay And Fight by Margaret Cho (non-fiction) ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ( ... )
30. The Fairy Godmother by Mercedes Lackey (fantasy) ✰ ✰ ✰ ( ... )
31. The Kitchen God's Wife by Amy Tan (historical fiction) ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ( ... )
32. The Infinity Concerto by Greg Bear (fantasy) ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ( ... )

11,621 / 13,000 (89.4%)

Never having kept track of my books-read before, I started out with the goal of 132 books in a year. HA! then cut it to 88 books, but since the year is 3/4 over and I'm not even half there, I've decided to change it again -- to a page count. I'm going for 13,000 pages this year, and so far I have 11,621. ;-)

Currently reading:
The Serpent Mage by Greg Bear (fantasy)
Bi any other name: Bisexual people speak out by Loraine Hutchins and Lani Kaahumanu (non-fiction)

Self-education update: I got way behind on posting my list, but I've spent the last couple of days catching up on my brief ratings and reviews so I could share with you.

For the newbies and the short of memory: I call this self-education, because I read to expand my mind (and enjoy myself). Some are fiction, some aren't -- but every book is a collection of thoughts from someone else, and by comparing/contrasting my way of thinking with the ways presented in the book, I can broaden my views. My brain also runs differently when reading -- I can't explain it but it makes my ways of thinking more organized somehow. It's like mental stretching, I suppose -- it makes me more mentally limber.

( how I star them: )

1. The Merlin Effect by T. A. Barron (YA sci-fi) ( ... )
2. The Girls Next Door: Into the Heart of Lesbian America by Lindsy Van Gelder & Pamela Robin Brandt (non-fiction) ( ... )
3. The Magic and the Healing by Nick O'Donohoe (YA fantasy)
4. Under the Healing Sign by Nick O'Donohoe (YA fantasy)
5. The Healing of Crossroads by Nick O'Donohoe (YA fantasy) ( ... )
6. Mara, Daughter of the Nile by Eloise Jarvis McGraw (historical fiction) ( ... )
7. Ramses: The Son of Light by Christian Jacq (historical fiction) ( ... )
8. Keeping You a Secret by Julie Anne Peters (YA fiction) ( ... )
9. Just Another Kid by Torey Hayden (non-fiction) ( ... )
10. Beautiful Child by Torey Hayden (non-fiction) ( ... )
11. Twilight Children by Torey Hayden (non-fiction) ( ... )
12. Closer To The Light by Melvin Morse, M.D. (non-fiction) ( ... )
13. Mystic and Rider by Sharon Shinn (fantasy) ( ... )
14. The Canopy by Angela Hunt (christian fiction) ( ... )
15. The Glass Harmonica by Louise Marley (sci-fi/historical fic) ( ... )
16. Cat Talk by Carole Wilbourn (non-fiction) ( ... )
17. The O'Connors: Roses and Rain & Shadows in the Mist by Karen Young (contemp. romance) ( ... )
18. Between Lovers by Eric Jerome Dickey (contemp. romance) ( ... )
19. Acorna's Quest by Anne McCaffery & Margaret Ball (sci-fi) ( ... )
20. Acorna's People by Anne McCaffery & Elizabeth Ann Scarborough (sci-fi) ( ... )
21. The Godmother by Elizabeth Ann Scarborough (sci-fi/fantasy) ( ... )
22. Song of Sorcery by Elizabeth Ann Scarborough (fantasy) ( ... )
23. The Harem of Aman Akbar by Elizabeth Ann Scarborough (fantasy) ( ... )
24. Lord of the Two Lands by Judith Tarr (historical fiction) ( ... )
25. The Search for Fierra by Stephen Lawhead (sci-fi) ( ... )
26. A Woman Like That : Lesbian and Bisexual Writers Tell Their Coming Out Stories by Joan Larkin (non-fiction) ( ... )
27. The Thirteenth House by Sharon Shinn (fantasy) ( ... )
28. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J. K. Rowling (fantasy) ( ... )
29. I Have Chosen to Stay And Fight by Margaret Cho (non-fiction) ( ... )
30. The Fairy Godmother by Mercedes Lackey (fantasy) ( ... )
31. The Kitchen God's Wife by Amy Tan (historical fiction) ( ... )
32. The Infinity Concerto by Greg Bear (fantasy) ( ... )

11,621 / 13,000 (89.4%)

Never having kept track of my books-read before, I started out with the goal of 132 books in a year. HA! then cut it to 88 books, but since the year is 3/4 over and I'm not even half there, I've decided to change it again -- to a page count. I'm going for 13,000 pages this year, and so far I have 11,621. ;-)

Currently reading:
The Serpent Mage by Greg Bear (fantasy)
Bi any other name: Bisexual people speak out by Loraine Hutchins and Lani Kaahumanu (non-fiction)

Self-education update: I got way behind on posting my list, but I've spent the last couple of days catching up on my brief ratings and reviews so I could share with you.

For the newbies and the short of memory: I call this self-education, because I read to expand my mind (and enjoy myself). Some are fiction, some aren't -- but every book is a collection of thoughts from someone else, and by comparing/contrasting my way of thinking with the ways presented in the book, I can broaden my views. My brain also runs differently when reading -- I can't explain it but it makes my ways of thinking more organized somehow. It's like mental stretching, I suppose -- it makes me more mentally limber.

( how I star them: )

1. The Merlin Effect by T. A. Barron (YA sci-fi) ( ... )
2. The Girls Next Door: Into the Heart of Lesbian America by Lindsy Van Gelder & Pamela Robin Brandt (non-fiction) ( ... )
3. The Magic and the Healing by Nick O'Donohoe (YA fantasy)
4. Under the Healing Sign by Nick O'Donohoe (YA fantasy)
5. The Healing of Crossroads by Nick O'Donohoe (YA fantasy) ( ... )
6. Mara, Daughter of the Nile by Eloise Jarvis McGraw (historical fiction) ( ... )
7. Ramses: The Son of Light by Christian Jacq (historical fiction) ( ... )
8. Keeping You a Secret by Julie Anne Peters (YA fiction) ( ... )
9. Just Another Kid by Torey Hayden (non-fiction) ( ... )
10. Beautiful Child by Torey Hayden (non-fiction) ( ... )
11. Twilight Children by Torey Hayden (non-fiction) ( ... )
12. Closer To The Light by Melvin Morse, M.D. (non-fiction) ( ... )
13. Mystic and Rider by Sharon Shinn (fantasy) ( ... )
14. The Canopy by Angela Hunt (christian fiction) ( ... )
15. The Glass Harmonica by Louise Marley (sci-fi/historical fic) ( ... )
16. Cat Talk by Carole Wilbourn (non-fiction) ( ... )
17. The O'Connors: Roses and Rain & Shadows in the Mist by Karen Young (contemp. romance) ( ... )
18. Between Lovers by Eric Jerome Dickey (contemp. romance) ( ... )
19. Acorna's Quest by Anne McCaffery & Margaret Ball (sci-fi) ( ... )
20. Acorna's People by Anne McCaffery & Elizabeth Ann Scarborough (sci-fi) ( ... )
21. The Godmother by Elizabeth Ann Scarborough (sci-fi/fantasy) ( ... )
22. Song of Sorcery by Elizabeth Ann Scarborough (fantasy) ( ... )
23. The Harem of Aman Akbar by Elizabeth Ann Scarborough (fantasy) ( ... )
24. Lord of the Two Lands by Judith Tarr (historical fiction) ( ... )
25. The Search for Fierra by Stephen Lawhead (sci-fi) ( ... )
26. A Woman Like That : Lesbian and Bisexual Writers Tell Their Coming Out Stories by Joan Larkin (non-fiction) ( ... )
27. The Thirteenth House by Sharon Shinn (fantasy) ( ... )
28. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J. K. Rowling (fantasy) ( ... )
29. I Have Chosen to Stay And Fight by Margaret Cho (non-fiction) ( ... )
30. The Fairy Godmother by Mercedes Lackey (fantasy) ( ... )
31. The Kitchen God's Wife by Amy Tan (historical fiction) ( ... )
32. The Infinity Concerto by Greg Bear (fantasy) ( ... )

11,621 / 13,000 (89.4%)

Never having kept track of my books-read before, I started out with the goal of 132 books in a year. HA! then cut it to 88 books, but since the year is 3/4 over and I'm not even half there, I've decided to change it again -- to a page count. I'm going for 13,000 pages this year, and so far I have 11,621. ;-)

Currently reading:
The Serpent Mage by Greg Bear (fantasy)
Bi any other name: Bisexual people speak out by Loraine Hutchins and Lani Kaahumanu (non-fiction)

I've been thinking that I must sometimes come across as schizophrenic or manic-depressive. I'll make a super-happy post and then a depressed one, or I'll post about something I'm really upset about and then I'll make happy comments on other people's posts. To some, it may seem that I am insincere or like I exaggerate everything, but that's not the case.

Something I've always done is keep my positive and negative feelings separate -- I'd rather feel violet some of the time and orange some of the time, instead of brown all the time. I like to feel things at their full intensity, and not dull them by mixing. I remember even as a child, thinking that I'd rather live a roller coaster than a train. Maybe it's my Gemini ascendant. ;-)

I've just recently realized that because of this style of feeling, I tend to post less and comment less because I don't want to seem contradictory, or crazy, or seem like my sadnesses and my joys aren't sincere. I've had such a complex mix of feelings lately, which has brought this up. (also it was brought to my attention because of a misunderstanding it caused)

Right now, I'm so happy about my camera, so grateful to two of my friends who have reached out to me lately ♥ and happy about my relationship with Ben, and how Kanika is growing up... and I've also been thinking a lot about social issues, developing my ideas and beliefs at an intense rate, which makes me feel productive and passionate. and I've been creative, making jewelry for myself again. and at the same time, I'm intensely depressed. I feel like a pariah. I'm ashamed of myself for having hurt some friends, and at the same time, so sick of thinking about it -- it was a mistake, I would have forgiven someone else long ago but I can't seem to forgive myself. And in other situations, I feel like there is something about me that makes people want to dump me, but the only things I can think would be the cause are things I believe in, things I cannot put aside without feeling like I am betraying myself. I'm missing old friends and I keep seeing Allison everywhere (it's not actually her, but I keep thinking I see her). I'm extremely depressed about something that I can't even let myself think about for more than a minute without getting absolutely overwhelmed with anger-depression-pain-rage-aching-sorrow-loneliness. I want to dig out a hole in the ground and curl up and lay there and let the ground absorb my sickness. I feel so so so alone, for reasons I can't even express to myself -- I feel like I've regressed. It makes me angry to think I've lost ground. I'm tired of being not-good-enough! I've been cynical this week. If you know me at all, you know that's serious. I don't know what to do, I'm trying to get out of this rut, I'm trying my damnedest. I haven't felt this nasty dry feeling -- this rage at the world that borders on hate -- in years. It's horrid. It makes me want to climb out of my own skin to escape it. I want to run away from everything I know and drown myself in a different life. I want a giant change; I want to close this chapter, it disgusts me.

I've been thinking that I must sometimes come across as schizophrenic or manic-depressive. I'll make a super-happy post and then a depressed one, or I'll post about something I'm really upset about and then I'll make happy comments on other people's posts. To some, it may seem that I am insincere or like I exaggerate everything, but that's not the case.

Something I've always done is keep my positive and negative feelings separate -- I'd rather feel violet some of the time and orange some of the time, instead of brown all the time. I like to feel things at their full intensity, and not dull them by mixing. I remember even as a child, thinking that I'd rather live a roller coaster than a train. Maybe it's my Gemini ascendant. ;-)

I've just recently realized that because of this style of feeling, I tend to post less and comment less because I don't want to seem contradictory, or crazy, or seem like my sadnesses and my joys aren't sincere. I've had such a complex mix of feelings lately, which has brought this up. (also it was brought to my attention because of a misunderstanding it caused)

Right now, I'm so happy about my camera, so grateful to two of my friends who have reached out to me lately ♥ and happy about my relationship with Ben, and how Kanika is growing up... and I've also been thinking a lot about social issues, developing my ideas and beliefs at an intense rate, which makes me feel productive and passionate. and I've been creative, making jewelry for myself again. and at the same time, I'm intensely depressed. I feel like a pariah. I'm ashamed of myself for having hurt some friends, and at the same time, so sick of thinking about it -- it was a mistake, I would have forgiven someone else long ago but I can't seem to forgive myself. And in other situations, I feel like there is something about me that makes people want to dump me, but the only things I can think would be the cause are things I believe in, things I cannot put aside without feeling like I am betraying myself. I'm missing old friends and I keep seeing Allison everywhere (it's not actually her, but I keep thinking I see her). I'm extremely depressed about something that I can't even let myself think about for more than a minute without getting absolutely overwhelmed with anger-depression-pain-rage-aching-sorrow-loneliness. I want to dig out a hole in the ground and curl up and lay there and let the ground absorb my sickness. I feel so so so alone, for reasons I can't even express to myself -- I feel like I've regressed. It makes me angry to think I've lost ground. I'm tired of being not-good-enough! I've been cynical this week. If you know me at all, you know that's serious. I don't know what to do, I'm trying to get out of this rut, I'm trying my damnedest. I haven't felt this nasty dry feeling -- this rage at the world that borders on hate -- in years. It's horrid. It makes me want to climb out of my own skin to escape it. I want to run away from everything I know and drown myself in a different life. I want a giant change; I want to close this chapter, it disgusts me.

I've been thinking that I must sometimes come across as schizophrenic or manic-depressive. I'll make a super-happy post and then a depressed one, or I'll post about something I'm really upset about and then I'll make happy comments on other people's posts. To some, it may seem that I am insincere or like I exaggerate everything, but that's not the case.

Something I've always done is keep my positive and negative feelings separate -- I'd rather feel violet some of the time and orange some of the time, instead of brown all the time. I like to feel things at their full intensity, and not dull them by mixing. I remember even as a child, thinking that I'd rather live a roller coaster than a train. Maybe it's my Gemini ascendant. ;-)

I've just recently realized that because of this style of feeling, I tend to post less and comment less because I don't want to seem contradictory, or crazy, or seem like my sadnesses and my joys aren't sincere. I've had such a complex mix of feelings lately, which has brought this up. (also it was brought to my attention because of a misunderstanding it caused)

Right now, I'm so happy about my camera, so grateful to two of my friends who have reached out to me lately ♥ and happy about my relationship with Ben, and how Kanika is growing up... and I've also been thinking a lot about social issues, developing my ideas and beliefs at an intense rate, which makes me feel productive and passionate. and I've been creative, making jewelry for myself again. and at the same time, I'm intensely depressed. I feel like a pariah. I'm ashamed of myself for having hurt some friends, and at the same time, so sick of thinking about it -- it was a mistake, I would have forgiven someone else long ago but I can't seem to forgive myself. And in other situations, I feel like there is something about me that makes people want to dump me, but the only things I can think would be the cause are things I believe in, things I cannot put aside without feeling like I am betraying myself. I'm missing old friends and I keep seeing Allison everywhere (it's not actually her, but I keep thinking I see her). I'm extremely depressed about something that I can't even let myself think about for more than a minute without getting absolutely overwhelmed with anger-depression-pain-rage-aching-sorrow-loneliness. I want to dig out a hole in the ground and curl up and lay there and let the ground absorb my sickness. I feel so so so alone, for reasons I can't even express to myself -- I feel like I've regressed. It makes me angry to think I've lost ground. I'm tired of being not-good-enough! I've been cynical this week. If you know me at all, you know that's serious. I don't know what to do, I'm trying to get out of this rut, I'm trying my damnedest. I haven't felt this nasty dry feeling -- this rage at the world that borders on hate -- in years. It's horrid. It makes me want to climb out of my own skin to escape it. I want to run away from everything I know and drown myself in a different life. I want a giant change; I want to close this chapter, it disgusts me.

alariya already posted about this night here, and sabr here, and malignlibra here, but I want to add my own perspective (and only mutual friends can see those entries)...

alariya had just gotten out of a relationship -- after a long time of slowly gathering the courage to end it. I'd been waiting, hoping, waiting, hoping for it to end, after realizing some negative things about the guy she was with. The long and the short of it was, there was (unintentional but still extremely harmful) abuse, and they were mutually keeping each other from growth. I grew increasingly more disturbed by the relationship, but I knew that she wasn't ready to let go, so we'd have a talk about it and then I would tell her that she would do it when she was ready and then we'd avoid the subject altogether for a while... Finally, a few weeks ago I had one explosive wrenching conversation with her and she told me some things that helped me to understand why it was so hard for her to get out, and I think she just finally reached the point where she realized it needed to end, and realized she had the strength to do it. So the next day she ended it, but it didn't go down well with the guy and she was in a lot of pain and self-doubt.

So I decided that I wanted to do a cleansing ritual / celebration-of-Analariya -- to help her break with the past, realize the wonder of who she is, and be affirmed in the truth and bravery of her decision. I told her to invite whomever she would like, and so sabr and Kazi (malignlibra) and Cherise came over. ( about SabR and Kazi )

Spending time getting to know SabR and Kazi wasn't the original plan, but I think it was so meant to be. I'm really glad they came. After they left, Cherise lay down on the sofa and napped off and on, and I began the ritual. I would have been okay with everyone participating if they had wanted, but I think they'd have been too self-conscious and I was too self-conscious to 'perform' in front of watchers. It all worked out so beautifully.

I got a pillow for Alariya and had her lie down on my scarlet sheet on the floor, and I lit candles and placed them around her -- three clustered at her head, three spread at her feet, one above and to her right. I lit incense and began playing Michelle Tumes' song "Healing Waters": ( the end of a road that I have followed... ) As it played, I waved the incense over her, around her, covering her from head to toe, imagining the lies burning and going up in the smoke, imagining the truth wisping down and sinking deeply in. She absorbed it, but I sensed that she wasn't completely there, was still too afraid to let go. I almost did it all over again and then realized that I could instead do a series of three -- a sacred number to her.

So I had her kneel on the pillow, and set another song playing -- "Rest My Soul": ( be still my dreams, lay beside me ) This time I told her to concentrate on the lyrics, and I wafted the incense all around her, and chose to let her feel the change within herself when she began to cry, though I wanted to hold her -- I felt that I was an instrument and the real thing that was happening was just her spirit and God, and I didn't want to interrupt or be a distraction. When the song was over, she told me that she felt the broken edges of her spirit knitting together during the song... I was awed.

Finally, I asked her to stand, and I began a song which is to me an anthem of LIFE -- "Feel": ( free restraint and struggle no more! ) This song has incredibly deep meaning to me -- I want to sing it to every person and have them take the words in and LIVE, truly live. At the first chorus I lifted Alariya's arm, and she took my meaning and raised them both, defiantly, boldly, to grasp all that life has to offer, all the glories that God has given. To embrace emotion in all its terrible pain and all its healing, liberating power.

I had written words and phrases on slips of paper, intending for the four of us to draw them and copy the words/phrases from our slips of paper onto Alariya's body. After the cleansing, I went to get them and sifted them through my fingers, setting aside the last one to cling to my fingers each time until I had three. I then held them for Alariya to choose one at a time, and she chose them in the same order that I had drawn them (which I think was proof that they were exactly the right words). I had her lay down again and I wrote the words on her belly, the center of her body. They aren't the three that I would have chosen, but I think that God had special meaning in each of them for her. The words were:"Alive"
"Unashamed"
"Honest"

And I think she is more alive, more unashamed, and more honest in the time since then than she has ever been before. ♥

Finally I had her close her eyes and hold out her arms, and I placed in them the present I had gotten for her -- a purple body pillow. I know sometimes the most lonely you feel is when you are trying to sleep, so I wanted her to have a physical reminder that she is not alone, that she is loved -- which is why I got a purple one, to represent her closest friends (who all love purple). I told her to sleep with that and remember that we love her and even if we are not with her physically, we are always there, always loving her.

alariya already posted about this night here, and sabr here, and malignlibra here, but I want to add my own perspective (and only mutual friends can see those entries)...

alariya had just gotten out of a relationship -- after a long time of slowly gathering the courage to end it. I'd been waiting, hoping, waiting, hoping for it to end, after realizing some negative things about the guy she was with. The long and the short of it was, there was (unintentional but still extremely harmful) abuse, and they were mutually keeping each other from growth. I grew increasingly more disturbed by the relationship, but I knew that she wasn't ready to let go, so we'd have a talk about it and then I would tell her that she would do it when she was ready and then we'd avoid the subject altogether for a while... Finally, a few weeks ago I had one explosive wrenching conversation with her and she told me some things that helped me to understand why it was so hard for her to get out, and I think she just finally reached the point where she realized it needed to end, and realized she had the strength to do it. So the next day she ended it, but it didn't go down well with the guy and she was in a lot of pain and self-doubt.

So I decided that I wanted to do a cleansing ritual / celebration-of-Analariya -- to help her break with the past, realize the wonder of who she is, and be affirmed in the truth and bravery of her decision. I told her to invite whomever she would like, and so sabr and Kazi (malignlibra) and Cherise came over. ( about SabR and Kazi )

Spending time getting to know SabR and Kazi wasn't the original plan, but I think it was so meant to be. I'm really glad they came. After they left, Cherise lay down on the sofa and napped off and on, and I began the ritual. I would have been okay with everyone participating if they had wanted, but I think they'd have been too self-conscious and I was too self-conscious to 'perform' in front of watchers. It all worked out so beautifully.

I got a pillow for Alariya and had her lie down on my scarlet sheet on the floor, and I lit candles and placed them around her -- three clustered at her head, three spread at her feet, one above and to her right. I lit incense and began playing Michelle Tumes' song "Healing Waters": ( the end of a road that I have followed... ) As it played, I waved the incense over her, around her, covering her from head to toe, imagining the lies burning and going up in the smoke, imagining the truth wisping down and sinking deeply in. She absorbed it, but I sensed that she wasn't completely there, was still too afraid to let go. I almost did it all over again and then realized that I could instead do a series of three -- a sacred number to her.

So I had her kneel on the pillow, and set another song playing -- "Rest My Soul": ( be still my dreams, lay beside me ) This time I told her to concentrate on the lyrics, and I wafted the incense all around her, and chose to let her feel the change within herself when she began to cry, though I wanted to hold her -- I felt that I was an instrument and the real thing that was happening was just her spirit and God, and I didn't want to interrupt or be a distraction. When the song was over, she told me that she felt the broken edges of her spirit knitting together during the song... I was awed.

Finally, I asked her to stand, and I began a song which is to me an anthem of LIFE -- "Feel": ( free restraint and struggle no more! ) This song has incredibly deep meaning to me -- I want to sing it to every person and have them take the words in and LIVE, truly live. At the first chorus I lifted Alariya's arm, and she took my meaning and raised them both, defiantly, boldly, to grasp all that life has to offer, all the glories that God has given. To embrace emotion in all its terrible pain and all its healing, liberating power.

I had written words and phrases on slips of paper, intending for the four of us to draw them and copy the words/phrases from our slips of paper onto Alariya's body. After the cleansing, I went to get them and sifted them through my fingers, setting aside the last one to cling to my fingers each time until I had three. I then held them for Alariya to choose one at a time, and she chose them in the same order that I had drawn them (which I think was proof that they were exactly the right words). I had her lay down again and I wrote the words on her belly, the center of her body. They aren't the three that I would have chosen, but I think that God had special meaning in each of them for her. The words were:"Alive"
"Unashamed"
"Honest"

And I think she is more alive, more unashamed, and more honest in the time since then than she has ever been before. ♥

Finally I had her close her eyes and hold out her arms, and I placed in them the present I had gotten for her -- a purple body pillow. I know sometimes the most lonely you feel is when you are trying to sleep, so I wanted her to have a physical reminder that she is not alone, that she is loved -- which is why I got a purple one, to represent her closest friends (who all love purple). I told her to sleep with that and remember that we love her and even if we are not with her physically, we are always there, always loving her.

alariya already posted about this night here, and sabr here, and malignlibra here, but I want to add my own perspective (and only mutual friends can see those entries)...

alariya had just gotten out of a relationship -- after a long time of slowly gathering the courage to end it. I'd been waiting, hoping, waiting, hoping for it to end, after realizing some negative things about the guy she was with. The long and the short of it was, there was (unintentional but still extremely harmful) abuse, and they were mutually keeping each other from growth. I grew increasingly more disturbed by the relationship, but I knew that she wasn't ready to let go, so we'd have a talk about it and then I would tell her that she would do it when she was ready and then we'd avoid the subject altogether for a while... Finally, a few weeks ago I had one explosive wrenching conversation with her and she told me some things that helped me to understand why it was so hard for her to get out, and I think she just finally reached the point where she realized it needed to end, and realized she had the strength to do it. So the next day she ended it, but it didn't go down well with the guy and she was in a lot of pain and self-doubt.

So I decided that I wanted to do a cleansing ritual / celebration-of-Analariya -- to help her break with the past, realize the wonder of who she is, and be affirmed in the truth and bravery of her decision. I told her to invite whomever she would like, and so sabr and Kazi (malignlibra) and Cherise came over. ( about SabR and Kazi )

Spending time getting to know SabR and Kazi wasn't the original plan, but I think it was so meant to be. I'm really glad they came. After they left, Cherise lay down on the sofa and napped off and on, and I began the ritual. I would have been okay with everyone participating if they had wanted, but I think they'd have been too self-conscious and I was too self-conscious to 'perform' in front of watchers. It all worked out so beautifully.

I got a pillow for Alariya and had her lie down on my scarlet sheet on the floor, and I lit candles and placed them around her -- three clustered at her head, three spread at her feet, one above and to her right. I lit incense and began playing Michelle Tumes' song "Healing Waters": ( the end of a road that I have followed... ) As it played, I waved the incense over her, around her, covering her from head to toe, imagining the lies burning and going up in the smoke, imagining the truth wisping down and sinking deeply in. She absorbed it, but I sensed that she wasn't completely there, was still too afraid to let go. I almost did it all over again and then realized that I could instead do a series of three -- a sacred number to her.

So I had her kneel on the pillow, and set another song playing -- "Rest My Soul": ( be still my dreams, lay beside me ) This time I told her to concentrate on the lyrics, and I wafted the incense all around her, and chose to let her feel the change within herself when she began to cry, though I wanted to hold her -- I felt that I was an instrument and the real thing that was happening was just her spirit and God, and I didn't want to interrupt or be a distraction. When the song was over, she told me that she felt the broken edges of her spirit knitting together during the song... I was awed.

Finally, I asked her to stand, and I began a song which is to me an anthem of LIFE -- "Feel": ( free restraint and struggle no more! ) This song has incredibly deep meaning to me -- I want to sing it to every person and have them take the words in and LIVE, truly live. At the first chorus I lifted Alariya's arm, and she took my meaning and raised them both, defiantly, boldly, to grasp all that life has to offer, all the glories that God has given. To embrace emotion in all its terrible pain and all its healing, liberating power.

I had written words and phrases on slips of paper, intending for the four of us to draw them and copy the words/phrases from our slips of paper onto Alariya's body. After the cleansing, I went to get them and sifted them through my fingers, setting aside the last one to cling to my fingers each time until I had three. I then held them for Alariya to choose one at a time, and she chose them in the same order that I had drawn them (which I think was proof that they were exactly the right words). I had her lay down again and I wrote the words on her belly, the center of her body. They aren't the three that I would have chosen, but I think that God had special meaning in each of them for her. The words were:"Alive"
"Unashamed"
"Honest"

And I think she is more alive, more unashamed, and more honest in the time since then than she has ever been before. ♥

Finally I had her close her eyes and hold out her arms, and I placed in them the present I had gotten for her -- a purple body pillow. I know sometimes the most lonely you feel is when you are trying to sleep, so I wanted her to have a physical reminder that she is not alone, that she is loved -- which is why I got a purple one, to represent her closest friends (who all love purple). I told her to sleep with that and remember that we love her and even if we are not with her physically, we are always there, always loving her.

Yes, I know this is -- *counts* -- 16 days late, but I did not forget, I've thought about it every day since the 29th!

Happy Birthday shmee_!!!
and Happy Birthday dreaded_bliss!!!
(there is definitely something to the whole birthdate-personality thing, I have so many friends in date clusters!)

dreaded_bliss, I don't know you that well yet, but what I do know I like and admire. I hope you had a fabulous birthday, and I hope this year of life brings you amazing growth and joy. ;-)

shmee_! I don't know how to BEGIN to find the words. Really... I've been sitting here for fifteen minutes now. I guess I'll just plunge in...

You are my spirit-twin. I am the most blessed person EVER to have found both my spirit-twin (you) and my soul-twin (Anika), and to have the opportunity to really get to know both of you (and I will have to make a post later explaining what I believe soul and spirit to be). You look at things and feel them in the same way I do -- and how I know that, I don't understand, but I know it so clearly and completely that it is hard for me to remember that you don't share my conscious beliefs, because beneath the conscious level we are SO alike. (which makes me feel really awkward about writing this!)

You are so beautiful, enchanting, inside and out. You are delicate and ethereal, yet also wild and fierce, like a dragonfly. You have a passion for life that I've never seen in anyone else -- for life in all of its beauty and pain, understanding that they are interwoven. Nothing can keep you down for long, because even when you feel hopeless, you never truly despair. You keep looking for a way out, a way up, until it appears and you can breathe again. I admire your intensity, your determination, and most of all your courage. It takes a very, very brave person to look at life honestly and focus on the beauty of it, because when you do, everything intensifies: both joy and pain, victory and loss, hope and fear.

You are the first person I have ever met who has been as open as (or more than?) myself -- and you're five years younger! I find myself learning from you, and I cherish that. My life has been incredibly deepened and enriched just by knowing you, seeing your unabashed passion -- you have freed me in many ways to accept my own seemingly naive views. We both know that living deeply and loving unreservedly brings pain -- but we know that it's worth it. Thank you for living out loud, my wonderful spirit-twin. ♥

Yes, I know this is -- *counts* -- 16 days late, but I did not forget, I've thought about it every day since the 29th!

Happy Birthday shmee_!!!
and Happy Birthday dreaded_bliss!!!
(there is definitely something to the whole birthdate-personality thing, I have so many friends in date clusters!)

dreaded_bliss, I don't know you that well yet, but what I do know I like and admire. I hope you had a fabulous birthday, and I hope this year of life brings you amazing growth and joy. ;-)

shmee_! I don't know how to BEGIN to find the words. Really... I've been sitting here for fifteen minutes now. I guess I'll just plunge in...

You are my spirit-twin. I am the most blessed person EVER to have found both my spirit-twin (you) and my soul-twin (Anika), and to have the opportunity to really get to know both of you (and I will have to make a post later explaining what I believe soul and spirit to be). You look at things and feel them in the same way I do -- and how I know that, I don't understand, but I know it so clearly and completely that it is hard for me to remember that you don't share my conscious beliefs, because beneath the conscious level we are SO alike. (which makes me feel really awkward about writing this!)

You are so beautiful, enchanting, inside and out. You are delicate and ethereal, yet also wild and fierce, like a dragonfly. You have a passion for life that I've never seen in anyone else -- for life in all of its beauty and pain, understanding that they are interwoven. Nothing can keep you down for long, because even when you feel hopeless, you never truly despair. You keep looking for a way out, a way up, until it appears and you can breathe again. I admire your intensity, your determination, and most of all your courage. It takes a very, very brave person to look at life honestly and focus on the beauty of it, because when you do, everything intensifies: both joy and pain, victory and loss, hope and fear.

You are the first person I have ever met who has been as open as (or more than?) myself -- and you're five years younger! I find myself learning from you, and I cherish that. My life has been incredibly deepened and enriched just by knowing you, seeing your unabashed passion -- you have freed me in many ways to accept my own seemingly naive views. We both know that living deeply and loving unreservedly brings pain -- but we know that it's worth it. Thank you for living out loud, my wonderful spirit-twin. ♥

Yes, I know this is -- *counts* -- 16 days late, but I did not forget, I've thought about it every day since the 29th!

Happy Birthday shmee_!!!
and Happy Birthday dreaded_bliss!!!
(there is definitely something to the whole birthdate-personality thing, I have so many friends in date clusters!)

dreaded_bliss, I don't know you that well yet, but what I do know I like and admire. I hope you had a fabulous birthday, and I hope this year of life brings you amazing growth and joy. ;-)

shmee_! I don't know how to BEGIN to find the words. Really... I've been sitting here for fifteen minutes now. I guess I'll just plunge in...

You are my spirit-twin. I am the most blessed person EVER to have found both my spirit-twin (you) and my soul-twin (Anika), and to have the opportunity to really get to know both of you (and I will have to make a post later explaining what I believe soul and spirit to be). You look at things and feel them in the same way I do -- and how I know that, I don't understand, but I know it so clearly and completely that it is hard for me to remember that you don't share my conscious beliefs, because beneath the conscious level we are SO alike. (which makes me feel really awkward about writing this!)

You are so beautiful, enchanting, inside and out. You are delicate and ethereal, yet also wild and fierce, like a dragonfly. You have a passion for life that I've never seen in anyone else -- for life in all of its beauty and pain, understanding that they are interwoven. Nothing can keep you down for long, because even when you feel hopeless, you never truly despair. You keep looking for a way out, a way up, until it appears and you can breathe again. I admire your intensity, your determination, and most of all your courage. It takes a very, very brave person to look at life honestly and focus on the beauty of it, because when you do, everything intensifies: both joy and pain, victory and loss, hope and fear.

You are the first person I have ever met who has been as open as (or more than?) myself -- and you're five years younger! I find myself learning from you, and I cherish that. My life has been incredibly deepened and enriched just by knowing you, seeing your unabashed passion -- you have freed me in many ways to accept my own seemingly naive views. We both know that living deeply and loving unreservedly brings pain -- but we know that it's worth it. Thank you for living out loud, my wonderful spirit-twin. ♥

Anika came to visit, as I posted, and we had such a deep connection. Even though she was going through a terribly hard time (two of her most valued relationships in serious crisis), I was so happy she was visiting. I didn't resent the timing because I was so glad that for once I was able to be a real support for her -- it's hard to do that over distance.

We talked about deep friendships and being soulfriends, and she told me that she was interested in being soulfriends, but that she wasn't sure she could offer that to me right now. I heard her words, but somehow they didn't sink in. I guess I thought that I had changed her mind? Because we had a long talk establishing that she did WANT to, and my overeager self made the assumption that she just was. Really, I had done a lousy job of explaining what a soulfriend is (my word, so I get to define it), and so we parted with very different expectations.

Then she went back home, decided to end one of the relationships and really work on the other, and while being sad about the one ending, she was utterly delighted that the other had come back to life. She was SO happy.

I wasn't (obviously). I was relieved and happy for her, but fighting a deep depression that got worse as I looked at myself and my marriage. I've never been giddy in love. I don't know what it's like to be euphoric. I don't know what it's like to have a healthy sex life. I was a consensual virgin when I got married and as soon as I got married I started going through issues of sexual abuse, which just KILLED my desire. Sex has always been just a physical thing for me, which just devastates me. So I just try not to think about it, except when it can't be helped. I am deeply ashamed of how rarely I have sex -- or rather, how rarely I give Ben sex. Because I can't think of it as something for me. That's the main reason that I feel like I will never be good enough as a wife.

So I was depressed about my marriage, but at first still happy about Anika because I felt like I had finally found a soulfriend, so even though I was depressed I'd have someone to lean on besides Ben, someone to listen and care and be there for me no matter what. (I asked her permission to post about this) I missed her but I thought that missing her wouldn't hurt too much since she said she'd try to stay in touch better. I emailed her, commented a lot, called her... reaching out, unusual for me. Days went by and I started to worry, wonder, and feel hurt because she hadn't responded. I talked to Ben, who did his best to comfort me and say that she was just busy -- but that didn't make me feel any better because she wasn't too busy to email other people or post. Ben talked to her on Thursday and she called me late that night and talked to me, told me that she had been too busy, that she wanted to put a lot of thought into responses to me and that was why she hadn't sent any. And that made me feel a little better.

But then we exchanged some emails, 'cause she asked me to clarify what I meant by soulfriend, and came to the conclusion that she'd not ready for that. And after a bit I realized that I can't stop loving her anyway, so I decided to accept that and just live without it, still be her friend, still support her and give to her as best as I can. I can't focus on the faint possibility that we may become soulfriends in the future -- I'd feel betrayed that she'd not giving that now. Because I do not believe that it is impossible -- impossible to do very well, yes, but not out-and-out impossible.

I'm trying to adjust my feelings and thoughts accordingly... but it is so fucking hard. She's already THERE in my heart, and it hurts so badly to realize that I'm not there in hers -- that I may never be. I can't do a damn thing about it. I know I can't love her less. It may be unfair and stupid and ridiculous, but I feel like I have lost her. You can't lose what you never had? maybe, but I thought -- believed -- that I had it. And I am so disgusted with myself for falling like that again.

It is so hard to even type the words, but I was soulfriends with Kaylene. And when I offered soulfriendship to Kaylene, she jumped at the chance, was as excited as me, and really lived it -- for just a few months. Then a ton of shit happened in her life, she was in terrible pain, and she decided that being that open was too painful, so she left me (she moved for financial reasons but didn't keep in contact for other reasons). I don't begrudge her that, I understand, but it still hurts so badly. She left me. I don't think that will stop hurting until I either die, or become soulfriends with her again. I think that we will be close again, but I doubt that it will happen in this life. It still hurts so much -- I still mourn, though not nearly as often as I used to. It has been two years, after all.

Now I feel like I've lost another soulfriend -- and it's not as bad because it was only a few days, and I only thought (rather than knew) that I had it, but it still hurts so much. And it hurts differently, because with Kaylene I was able to comfort myself with the knowledge that it was real and pure while it lasted, and this one was all in my head. And yet, looking back, I can see that neither Kaylene nor I were as open as Anika and I were during her visit... now I'm trying to turn to Ben (and he's been such a great husband lately) but it's not something he understands, since he's never suffered a loss like that.

Anika is worth any waiting. She's phenominal, incredible, amazing: certainly capable of that depth of friendship. She's just not ready. And I'll wait, even as I have waited for Allison.

But I'll keep looking, hoping, yearning for a soulfriend -- I can't squelch that desire without locking up all the most valuable parts of me. And if someone else comes along who is able and desiring to be soulfriends with me, I am not going to lock them out. I have room for more than one soulfriend in my heart, but I suspect that the first one to stay will be the most sacred to me.

Anika came to visit, as I posted, and we had such a deep connection. Even though she was going through a terribly hard time (two of her most valued relationships in serious crisis), I was so happy she was visiting. I didn't resent the timing because I was so glad that for once I was able to be a real support for her -- it's hard to do that over distance.

We talked about deep friendships and being soulfriends, and she told me that she was interested in being soulfriends, but that she wasn't sure she could offer that to me right now. I heard her words, but somehow they didn't sink in. I guess I thought that I had changed her mind? Because we had a long talk establishing that she did WANT to, and my overeager self made the assumption that she just was. Really, I had done a lousy job of explaining what a soulfriend is (my word, so I get to define it), and so we parted with very different expectations.

Then she went back home, decided to end one of the relationships and really work on the other, and while being sad about the one ending, she was utterly delighted that the other had come back to life. She was SO happy.

I wasn't (obviously). I was relieved and happy for her, but fighting a deep depression that got worse as I looked at myself and my marriage. I've never been giddy in love. I don't know what it's like to be euphoric. I don't know what it's like to have a healthy sex life. I was a consensual virgin when I got married and as soon as I got married I started going through issues of sexual abuse, which just KILLED my desire. Sex has always been just a physical thing for me, which just devastates me. So I just try not to think about it, except when it can't be helped. I am deeply ashamed of how rarely I have sex -- or rather, how rarely I give Ben sex. Because I can't think of it as something for me. That's the main reason that I feel like I will never be good enough as a wife.

So I was depressed about my marriage, but at first still happy about Anika because I felt like I had finally found a soulfriend, so even though I was depressed I'd have someone to lean on besides Ben, someone to listen and care and be there for me no matter what. (I asked her permission to post about this) I missed her but I thought that missing her wouldn't hurt too much since she said she'd try to stay in touch better. I emailed her, commented a lot, called her... reaching out, unusual for me. Days went by and I started to worry, wonder, and feel hurt because she hadn't responded. I talked to Ben, who did his best to comfort me and say that she was just busy -- but that didn't make me feel any better because she wasn't too busy to email other people or post. Ben talked to her on Thursday and she called me late that night and talked to me, told me that she had been too busy, that she wanted to put a lot of thought into responses to me and that was why she hadn't sent any. And that made me feel a little better.

But then we exchanged some emails, 'cause she asked me to clarify what I meant by soulfriend, and came to the conclusion that she'd not ready for that. And after a bit I realized that I can't stop loving her anyway, so I decided to accept that and just live without it, still be her friend, still support her and give to her as best as I can. I can't focus on the faint possibility that we may become soulfriends in the future -- I'd feel betrayed that she'd not giving that now. Because I do not believe that it is impossible -- impossible to do very well, yes, but not out-and-out impossible.

I'm trying to adjust my feelings and thoughts accordingly... but it is so fucking hard. She's already THERE in my heart, and it hurts so badly to realize that I'm not there in hers -- that I may never be. I can't do a damn thing about it. I know I can't love her less. It may be unfair and stupid and ridiculous, but I feel like I have lost her. You can't lose what you never had? maybe, but I thought -- believed -- that I had it. And I am so disgusted with myself for falling like that again.

It is so hard to even type the words, but I was soulfriends with Kaylene. And when I offered soulfriendship to Kaylene, she jumped at the chance, was as excited as me, and really lived it -- for just a few months. Then a ton of shit happened in her life, she was in terrible pain, and she decided that being that open was too painful, so she left me (she moved for financial reasons but didn't keep in contact for other reasons). I don't begrudge her that, I understand, but it still hurts so badly. She left me. I don't think that will stop hurting until I either die, or become soulfriends with her again. I think that we will be close again, but I doubt that it will happen in this life. It still hurts so much -- I still mourn, though not nearly as often as I used to. It has been two years, after all.

Now I feel like I've lost another soulfriend -- and it's not as bad because it was only a few days, and I only thought (rather than knew) that I had it, but it still hurts so much. And it hurts differently, because with Kaylene I was able to comfort myself with the knowledge that it was real and pure while it lasted, and this one was all in my head. And yet, looking back, I can see that neither Kaylene nor I were as open as Anika and I were during her visit... now I'm trying to turn to Ben (and he's been such a great husband lately) but it's not something he understands, since he's never suffered a loss like that.

Anika is worth any waiting. She's phenominal, incredible, amazing: certainly capable of that depth of friendship. She's just not ready. And I'll wait, even as I have waited for Allison.

But I'll keep looking, hoping, yearning for a soulfriend -- I can't squelch that desire without locking up all the most valuable parts of me. And if someone else comes along who is able and desiring to be soulfriends with me, I am not going to lock them out. I have room for more than one soulfriend in my heart, but I suspect that the first one to stay will be the most sacred to me.

Anika came to visit, as I posted, and we had such a deep connection. Even though she was going through a terribly hard time (two of her most valued relationships in serious crisis), I was so happy she was visiting. I didn't resent the timing because I was so glad that for once I was able to be a real support for her -- it's hard to do that over distance.

We talked about deep friendships and being soulfriends, and she told me that she was interested in being soulfriends, but that she wasn't sure she could offer that to me right now. I heard her words, but somehow they didn't sink in. I guess I thought that I had changed her mind? Because we had a long talk establishing that she did WANT to, and my overeager self made the assumption that she just was. Really, I had done a lousy job of explaining what a soulfriend is (my word, so I get to define it), and so we parted with very different expectations.

Then she went back home, decided to end one of the relationships and really work on the other, and while being sad about the one ending, she was utterly delighted that the other had come back to life. She was SO happy.

I wasn't (obviously). I was relieved and happy for her, but fighting a deep depression that got worse as I looked at myself and my marriage. I've never been giddy in love. I don't know what it's like to be euphoric. I don't know what it's like to have a healthy sex life. I was a consensual virgin when I got married and as soon as I got married I started going through issues of sexual abuse, which just KILLED my desire. Sex has always been just a physical thing for me, which just devastates me. So I just try not to think about it, except when it can't be helped. I am deeply ashamed of how rarely I have sex -- or rather, how rarely I give Ben sex. Because I can't think of it as something for me. That's the main reason that I feel like I will never be good enough as a wife.

So I was depressed about my marriage, but at first still happy about Anika because I felt like I had finally found a soulfriend, so even though I was depressed I'd have someone to lean on besides Ben, someone to listen and care and be there for me no matter what. (I asked her permission to post about this) I missed her but I thought that missing her wouldn't hurt too much since she said she'd try to stay in touch better. I emailed her, commented a lot, called her... reaching out, unusual for me. Days went by and I started to worry, wonder, and feel hurt because she hadn't responded. I talked to Ben, who did his best to comfort me and say that she was just busy -- but that didn't make me feel any better because she wasn't too busy to email other people or post. Ben talked to her on Thursday and she called me late that night and talked to me, told me that she had been too busy, that she wanted to put a lot of thought into responses to me and that was why she hadn't sent any. And that made me feel a little better.

But then we exchanged some emails, 'cause she asked me to clarify what I meant by soulfriend, and came to the conclusion that she'd not ready for that. And after a bit I realized that I can't stop loving her anyway, so I decided to accept that and just live without it, still be her friend, still support her and give to her as best as I can. I can't focus on the faint possibility that we may become soulfriends in the future -- I'd feel betrayed that she'd not giving that now. Because I do not believe that it is impossible -- impossible to do very well, yes, but not out-and-out impossible.

I'm trying to adjust my feelings and thoughts accordingly... but it is so fucking hard. She's already THERE in my heart, and it hurts so badly to realize that I'm not there in hers -- that I may never be. I can't do a damn thing about it. I know I can't love her less. It may be unfair and stupid and ridiculous, but I feel like I have lost her. You can't lose what you never had? maybe, but I thought -- believed -- that I had it. And I am so disgusted with myself for falling like that again.

It is so hard to even type the words, but I was soulfriends with Kaylene. And when I offered soulfriendship to Kaylene, she jumped at the chance, was as excited as me, and really lived it -- for just a few months. Then a ton of shit happened in her life, she was in terrible pain, and she decided that being that open was too painful, so she left me (she moved for financial reasons but didn't keep in contact for other reasons). I don't begrudge her that, I understand, but it still hurts so badly. She left me. I don't think that will stop hurting until I either die, or become soulfriends with her again. I think that we will be close again, but I doubt that it will happen in this life. It still hurts so much -- I still mourn, though not nearly as often as I used to. It has been two years, after all.

Now I feel like I've lost another soulfriend -- and it's not as bad because it was only a few days, and I only thought (rather than knew) that I had it, but it still hurts so much. And it hurts differently, because with Kaylene I was able to comfort myself with the knowledge that it was real and pure while it lasted, and this one was all in my head. And yet, looking back, I can see that neither Kaylene nor I were as open as Anika and I were during her visit... now I'm trying to turn to Ben (and he's been such a great husband lately) but it's not something he understands, since he's never suffered a loss like that.

Anika is worth any waiting. She's phenominal, incredible, amazing: certainly capable of that depth of friendship. She's just not ready. And I'll wait, even as I have waited for Allison.

But I'll keep looking, hoping, yearning for a soulfriend -- I can't squelch that desire without locking up all the most valuable parts of me. And if someone else comes along who is able and desiring to be soulfriends with me, I am not going to lock them out. I have room for more than one soulfriend in my heart, but I suspect that the first one to stay will be the most sacred to me.

I have so much to say about Anika's visit... but what's really on my mind right now is something inspired by her but not about her.

I have been growing less and less interested in LJing, even thinking of dumping it entirely, and didn't realize why. It was becoming another shell, another way of being 'perfect' -- too much about what other people would want to read and no longer about me being myself. Too much about methods and rituals -- organizing how I would post, how I would comment, and then hating the methods and so avoiding the whole thing entirely. I have a war within myself between my old, method-bound, organize-and-follow-directions self, and my true self, who prefers to live by instinct, following the callings within and ignoring the pressure from without. Sometimes I get confused as to which is the true self.

Being around Anika, my soul-twin, and seeing how she lives, moves, believes, reacts, taught me a lot about myself. We are both passionately honest, but neither of us is completely open. I'm not as open as I thought I was, and she's not as open as I thought she was. I had completely repressed my intense, overwhelming desire for a 'soulfriend' -- a relationship so much deeper than friendship as most people understand it -- to the point that I had forgotten about it. That means that I haven't even been truly open with myself for long while. I have been locking away my emotions because I haven't had a safe person to share them with -- my marriage has been rocky, and it only hurts more to share my feelings with someone who loves but does not understand. Anika is my soul-twin, she understands me so well. Even as insecure as I have felt this week, not wanting to burden her since she is already hurting, and not sure how much of me she wants to know, I have felt safe enough to open up several dusty locked trunks inside. In one of them I rediscovered my desire to know myself, despite the pain that inevitably comes along with that.

In another I found my desire to be my true self -- that messy, organic, magical, primitive, wild self. I'm not inherently a neat, thoughtful person. I can be, but it's not one of my stronger qualities. My true self is impulsive, mercurial, changeable, unpredictable -- with all the crap that comes along with that. I can make people feel left out or forgotten or overlooked, because I AM so impulsive. And I've been trying to be this person who is steady and dependable -- it's just not me! I am the kind of person who will walk over burning coals if I know that you need it, but I am not the type to watch everyone I love and figure out for them if they need me. I have to be told, usually. Which requires a sacrifice on the other person's part -- they have to be vulnerable enough to say, "I need you to __________." And it's okay for me to be the kind of person that I am. I will slowly grow better at discerning needs, but I will never be as good as people who are born with that gift. And that's okay -- but I didn't realize that until I looked at Anika and saw a person with many of the same gifts (and lacks!), and saw how incredibly perfect she is just as she is. We weren't meant to be steady and dependable and predictable -- we have other gifts.

What this means in LJ-land is that I am deleting the ton of posts in my "temp" bookmark folder, and I will comment as I feel the impulse. I will post when I feel the impulse, rather than carefully filling every box in my calendar with a post every day. This will probably mean that sometimes your friends-page will be spammed with my posts -- and I refuse to lj-cut text, because I like to read my journal without having to flip between pages. Selfish? Perhaps. But it is important to me and I am not willing to sacrifice it. I may also de-add some people whose journals I tend to skim, because with my lack of commenting I want to be able to promise people who are on my list that I read their every word. And I won't respond to every single comment in my journal, but only those that I feel the desire to (or that ask a question, of course).

I have so much to say about Anika's visit... but what's really on my mind right now is something inspired by her but not about her.

I have been growing less and less interested in LJing, even thinking of dumping it entirely, and didn't realize why. It was becoming another shell, another way of being 'perfect' -- too much about what other people would want to read and no longer about me being myself. Too much about methods and rituals -- organizing how I would post, how I would comment, and then hating the methods and so avoiding the whole thing entirely. I have a war within myself between my old, method-bound, organize-and-follow-directions self, and my true self, who prefers to live by instinct, following the callings within and ignoring the pressure from without. Sometimes I get confused as to which is the true self.

Being around Anika, my soul-twin, and seeing how she lives, moves, believes, reacts, taught me a lot about myself. We are both passionately honest, but neither of us is completely open. I'm not as open as I thought I was, and she's not as open as I thought she was. I had completely repressed my intense, overwhelming desire for a 'soulfriend' -- a relationship so much deeper than friendship as most people understand it -- to the point that I had forgotten about it. That means that I haven't even been truly open with myself for long while. I have been locking away my emotions because I haven't had a safe person to share them with -- my marriage has been rocky, and it only hurts more to share my feelings with someone who loves but does not understand. Anika is my soul-twin, she understands me so well. Even as insecure as I have felt this week, not wanting to burden her since she is already hurting, and not sure how much of me she wants to know, I have felt safe enough to open up several dusty locked trunks inside. In one of them I rediscovered my desire to know myself, despite the pain that inevitably comes along with that.

In another I found my desire to be my true self -- that messy, organic, magical, primitive, wild self. I'm not inherently a neat, thoughtful person. I can be, but it's not one of my stronger qualities. My true self is impulsive, mercurial, changeable, unpredictable -- with all the crap that comes along with that. I can make people feel left out or forgotten or overlooked, because I AM so impulsive. And I've been trying to be this person who is steady and dependable -- it's just not me! I am the kind of person who will walk over burning coals if I know that you need it, but I am not the type to watch everyone I love and figure out for them if they need me. I have to be told, usually. Which requires a sacrifice on the other person's part -- they have to be vulnerable enough to say, "I need you to __________." And it's okay for me to be the kind of person that I am. I will slowly grow better at discerning needs, but I will never be as good as people who are born with that gift. And that's okay -- but I didn't realize that until I looked at Anika and saw a person with many of the same gifts (and lacks!), and saw how incredibly perfect she is just as she is. We weren't meant to be steady and dependable and predictable -- we have other gifts.

What this means in LJ-land is that I am deleting the ton of posts in my "temp" bookmark folder, and I will comment as I feel the impulse. I will post when I feel the impulse, rather than carefully filling every box in my calendar with a post every day. This will probably mean that sometimes your friends-page will be spammed with my posts -- and I refuse to lj-cut text, because I like to read my journal without having to flip between pages. Selfish? Perhaps. But it is important to me and I am not willing to sacrifice it. I may also de-add some people whose journals I tend to skim, because with my lack of commenting I want to be able to promise people who are on my list that I read their every word. And I won't respond to every single comment in my journal, but only those that I feel the desire to (or that ask a question, of course).