what are your most powerful spiritual experiences? if you've transitioned to a different religion/spiritual philosophy, did you recontextualize the experience in any way? did the power or depth of an experience diminish at all due to a transition? if so, why? (from here)

My most powerful spiritual experiences: when I felt a strong warning, "no," as I was walking through a river and was about to step in a spot, but I dismissed it as not real and stepped anyway and nearly sliced my toe off on broken glass and had to go to the hospital and get like 28 stitches (age 9); when trees have spoken to me (it happened twice where it was strong enough that I felt no doubt); when interacting with los Niños Santos; when I realized that an afterlife didn't make sense to me anymore and stopped believing in it; when I had a dream-that-felt-more-real-than-waking about having sex underground with Geb; when I felt someone energetically draining me through my lover and did energy work deliberately for the first time out of desperation; when I help someone find a name that is true for them; when I have had sex in ways that involve more spiritual/energetic interactions than physical ones; when singing and dancing in church, particularly once when I felt Jesus' presence so intensely that I didn't doubt it; one time when a prophet gave me a message from Godde saying "I believe in you" which both felt very validating and turned my perception of deity on its ear; once when I felt the presence of Aphrodite while interacting with a lover who I perceived as a priestess/incarnation of them; when I felt perfect unity of consciousness with a lover to the point where I wasn't sure which limb was mine, and we spoke the same words at the same time; when I have sensed the emotions of my spirit-kin over great distance of mind and body; when I felt/saw the heartbeat of the forest; when I have dreams about people who are important to me that I meet, later; when I felt in great despair and then found a green-blue piece of sea glass (I had never found any before despite careful searching); I'm sure there are others.

Some of my experiences have been recontextualized. I used to attribute everything spiritual to a singular god, but now I don't attribute things to deity unless I feel a specific presence. For instance, finding the sea glass I would have taken as comfort from god, whereas now I take it as me desperately seeking a sign of hope and drawing it to me and me to it with the force of my longing. This doesn't make it less meaningful to me, it makes it more meaningful. Rather than relying on something external, I rely on myself. I don't need attention from a particular being to be able to have magic.

15-07-21
Last night i dreamed that i was working at a shop like wal-mart only i was moving slower than ever. At first it was partly in defiance but then i got frustrated and tried to go faster but couldn't. Then the boss called me outside to the middle of a huge group of dining tables where people were sitting and eating, to critique my performance. It was a deliberate attempt at humiliation and i wept in rage and embarrassment. Kanika came running out to comfort me and the audience was moved and was on my side. Later i was at a coffee shop and Kanika came in and sat on my hip/back (somehow this wasn't uncomfortable in the dream). Later I was in a tiny house or fresh-built cabin w my biofamily and some people came over, including someone i just met who i have a crush on. I talked with them and flirted in my awkward non-flirty way. Later we all played truth-or-truth and i got them to be involved by doing a round of political questions (which in waking life sounds terrible).

Then there was this weird bit where i was a nun in a weird cult and was taken to a house where i would live with other nuns, and as i went up the stairs i felt a strange pulling in my crotch, which turned out to be a network of red strings that had been attached to it coming loose. There was a woman lying on a bed covered in blood, with an open wound going up her abdomen. The people bringing me in said that she should have been moved already, this wasn't meant for me to see. Apparently she had given birth and the baby died, and she stopped her bleeding with an herbal remedy, and that was sacrilege as she was supposed to yield to chance (god). When i realized, i went up and asked why she did it, because now they were going to kill her and she traded .00001 chance for none at all. She said she had to do what she could, and handed me the vial she used. I started to take more out to apply to the wound but she said that if i didn't have the capacity to help her escape it would be wasted, to keep it and use it sneakily with feigned prayer instead. She gave me her other powders and i was frantic figuring out what to do with them. Then i was told to pack up her things, including the dress i was wearing (??) so i switched to another dress (from a short black and white one to an ankle-length dark brown one, very baggy, with pockets) and packed up her things as they took her from the room. The other nuns helped me, one in particular who poured their starbucks coffee into the bag so that i could put the herbs into the cup and hide them with the lid. I added absorbent things including rolls of toilet paper and hoped it wouldn't leak out. The soon-to-be-dead nun's bed was going to be mine. Later one of the people came back and put new strings on my crotch. I was worried that they'd go into my flesh but instead they wove around my legs and hips like a harness.
_____

15-07-23
Dream: more real than waking. I hugged someone at a pagan discussion group and the hug felt so perfect we didn't want to let go. We felt very well matched and they told me they wanted to have deep and penetrating... didn't finish the sentence but in the dream it was clear that it wasn't sex they meant but that sex might be included (it sounds way more overt in waking life: in the dream sex was a hint, not the point). I felt perfect resonance w them. They were my height or maybe an inch taller and my size, maybe a little smaller. I think they had 3 young kids and were a single parent? or they were watching someone's kids? Our connection felt like apples which in later dream was explained as artichokes (???) I think their name was Kristy or something similar?

Also there was a part w traveling underground to a stone chamber w a square open to the sky. Felt elated at rain and thunder, danced, and sensed when we needed to move because of potential lightning strike and warned people successfully. Older male people were like, "Give way to us," and I laughed and ignored them, but shared the space rather than punishing them.

earlier this week I dreamed that butterflies and grasshoppers were protecting me from wasps, at the top of my driveway and just across the street. First I outran the wasps, then I decided to just let them sting me because I could handle it, then butterflies and grasshoppers swarmed around in between me and the wasps just blocking them from getting to me.

and two days ago I dreamed that I went to a Sia concert in a dark bar where the bar was part of the stage and one song involved making drinks for some reason. Sia pulled me on stage and had me perform in the song by pouring drinks. After the song someone came up and tried to order from me thinking I was a bartender and I was like "oh, no, I don't really do this, I don't know how to make that" and started to leave the stage and Sia was like "what? why are you leaving?" and said "oh, I thought you just wanted me here for that one" and felt awkward but then they moved to a different stage that was white and elevated and round with a spiral staircase/slide going up from one side. they were acting out this song and I just went up on the stage and interacted with them, playing the part of the other person in the song. I felt so in-sync I didn't fret about whether or not I was supposed to, though I was surprised that there wasn't security stopping me. at the end of the interactive part Sia pushed me off the stage and that didn't feel weird or bad either, I felt zero rejection. I went to watch from behind the stage on what were kinda like bleachers. They ended the set with this bizarre pretzeling of their body in a legs-spread backbend which was especially shocking since they weren't wearing underwear and their short dress got pulled up by the bend. The audience gasped but it made perfect sense to me and I just nodded. Then they came up to me after and asked to have a beer with me and we walked to another part of the building which was under construction, sheets hanging everywhere. We sat in a booth that was being stored there, under dim light, and talked. They were so clearly crushing on me and I both realized this and was comfortable with it though I wasn't feeling crushy myself (which has never happened to me in waking life). I really enjoyed their company and admired them and was curious about possibilities but didn't feel at all overwhelmed or nervous or self-conscious. That dream was so real, and stuck with me all day into the next, making me feel really affirmed.

There's this place I visit in dreams (only occasionally) that is so incredibly beautiful. It's old-growth forest with very little underbrush, lots of moss. Flat land with lots of cliffs, streams running through rocky gulleys, flat-banked rivers with trees reaching their roots into them and lots of soft grasses at the edges. Boardwalks going improbably far into the length of the river, which is sometimes almost too far to see across but not quite. Shady, quiet, full of anticipation, smelling of earth and fecundity.

Last night I was there with Heather, and we were walking along a stream when we saw something nestled in a crook of root in the water. We lifted a cover to find pretty mother-of-pearl weapons which were at first guns and then butterfly knives. I was excited because it was strange treasure, and Heather was excited because the knives themselves meant something important to zir. I took one and let zir have the rest.

So the last two weeks or so I've been feeling an increasing urge to learn and practice energy work, starting with a small urge for a week that expanded into a determination at intimacy practice on Monday when I realized that I had been waiting on people from my past to come spark me up and I needed to let that go and move forward. Then Tuesday I looked up nearby energy work resources and planned to go to some, and Wednesday night Aurilion had a dream where ze saw me wanting to do something but not going for it, and ze emailed me (which was a great confirmation). So Thursday night I went to a Oneness Blessing circle, not expecting anything in particular, and felt a great burst of clarity about my selfhood (dunno exactly how to explain that). I'd only been to one Oneness Blessing before and at the previous one, it was much more sensation and interaction, whereas this one was like I was receiving messages from a wiser version of me, just intuitionally. I think that's partly because the concept of deity has become less important to me over the last two years, and partly because I'm on citalopram (which seems to make experiencing the surreal more difficult). Everyone there seemed very genuine. The experience felt like they were energetically holding on to me and then reaching out for universal energy, to help get me started, and then letting me take it and use it. What they physically did was walk around, placing their hands above or on my head for about three minutes, then letting me be for 10-15 minutes. The givers also took turns sitting and receiving. Afterward they said that there is a training happening in about a month, and while it is expensive apparently they offer help to people who are too poor to pay for it (me). I'm definitely looking in to that.

Then today I went to the energy healing circle at Unity and had a profound experience. The first person who gave energy to me first hovered zir hands over me, then placed hands on my joints two at a time, making a kind of circle around my body, then massaged my shoulders (asking at the very beginning if all of that was okay). I was surprised about the idea of including massage, and feeling skeptical that it would be useful energetically, but it was the massage that sort of brought the rest together, and I felt really strong emotion while ze was rubbing my shoulders and neck. After that I felt an awareness of a energetic 'worm' in my left shoulder (which I removed later) and otherwise felt pretty glowy and relaxed. Then the second person cleansed my energy, which felt good, and through these two things I was thinking about what I needed, and how I needed to find people I connected with on a heart level, and remembering the dreams I'd been having about being rejected and disliked by everyone I cared about. When that person finished they asked to find out if I wanted anything else and I said no, because though I felt helped by this person I also felt as though they had a bit of a savior complex and I didn't want any further interaction. The last person came and sat in front of me and asked what I wanted. I mentioned the dreams and how I didn't understand them because I don't feel rejected/disliked by people in my waking life. Ze asked if I had asked myself what they meant, and I said sort of, mentally yes but energetically no, that I wasn't sure how to go about it. So ze sort of led me in a guided meditation where I brought the thought into a safe space and then asked myself what it was. I then remembered the end of the most recent rejection dream, where I was rejected by everyone and shrugged it off, went off by myself to dance naked alone, on wet grass under a night sky with a dark moon. I felt complete and happy. Then I realized sort of all at once that I was dreaming these things because I needed to feel comfortable with the possibility that people might dislike and/or reject me, and that I was realizing this because for the first time in many years that was a possibility with people whom I had to associate with (co-workers). I shared these things with this person, and then ze did energy work on me, mostly on my heart chakra, which was interesting to me because it is where I have been feeling need but I didn't tell zir that. After, I thanked zir, and then sat alone for a little bit.

Then I realized that all of the things that I'd been reflecting on had to do with fear, and that I did not want to let fear be a motivator in my life. Fear has been clouding up my motives and desires and preventing me from being fully myself. I thought of a good way for me to prevent that (at last). When faced with fear, I will ask myself what I would do if I had no fear. Then (as long as it doesn't put me in physical danger) I will do what I would do if I had no fear. I then acted on this immediately by giving my contact info to the third person, because I felt a connection with them and wanted to be friends.

I was in that place of many rivers in the middle of forest with Kyle -- I don't remember how we got there but I know we traveled to this place and think we were camping. There were quite a few people wandering around and Kyle and I were preparing our wings (which worked like the "sky dancers" toys) to go skimming down a river, and Kyle started talking to this person who neither of us had met before. They were connecting in a very calm and deep way (the 'calm' is very unusual for Kyle) and I felt deeply connected to both of them, even though I hadn't interacted with that person before. I continued doing what I was doing (Kyle left the task in the middle) and when I finished I walked up to them. The person (who had very short dark brown hair, was strong-looking without defined muscles, had small breasts, and was only wearing something around zir waist) was kneeling with zir palms on the ground (which was wet and mossy), eyes closed, and Kyle had zir arms wrapped around this person's waist while sitting behind zir, leaning on zir a little, humming. I reached out and stroked the person's bare shoulders, and ze shivered and I felt relief and increased connection emanate from zir. I felt a very deep unity with both of them and was very disappointed when the phone woke me up.

I wish I remembered more of the dream because this one felt like a dream-meeting. I feel like this person will come into our lives fairly soon, probably before next winter.

I was in that place of many rivers in the middle of forest with Kyle -- I don't remember how we got there but I know we traveled to this place and think we were camping. There were quite a few people wandering around and Kyle and I were preparing our wings (which worked like the "sky dancers" toys) to go skimming down a river, and Kyle started talking to this person who neither of us had met before. They were connecting in a very calm and deep way (the 'calm' is very unusual for Kyle) and I felt deeply connected to both of them, even though I hadn't interacted with that person before. I continued doing what I was doing (Kyle left the task in the middle) and when I finished I walked up to them. The person (who had very short dark brown hair, was strong-looking without defined muscles, had small breasts, and was only wearing something around zir waist) was kneeling with zir palms on the ground (which was wet and mossy), eyes closed, and Kyle had zir arms wrapped around this person's waist while sitting behind zir, leaning on zir a little, humming. I reached out and stroked the person's bare shoulders, and ze shivered and I felt relief and increased connection emanate from zir. I felt a very deep unity with both of them and was very disappointed when the phone woke me up.

I wish I remembered more of the dream because this one felt like a dream-meeting. I feel like this person will come into our lives fairly soon, probably before next winter.

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )

I had a really unsettling dream last night, which I can't remember much of because my alarm woke me up at a key point and scrambled it all. I remember it was something about Arizona and Chip (and, to a lesser amount, the rest of the family) and camping -- I think Chip was selling zir RV? (which ze doesn't have in real life) Then there was something about two little boys, one I was caring for and one who was leading me somewhere by the hand, running so fast uphill that I almost fell on my face and had to urge zir to slow down (and for some reason the sex of the kid pulling me seems significant). The setting seemed familiar -- I think it was the backyard of my bioparent's Georgia house (and now I'm remembering something about my old room in the basement). Confusing. And it set off some strange urge in me -- closest thing I can compare it to is the desire to run. Not away, but not to either. I've been feeling restless and unsettled and a little worried all day. And missing my bioparent P, which is VERY strange (also missing lil sis but that's normal).

I had a really unsettling dream last night, which I can't remember much of because my alarm woke me up at a key point and scrambled it all. I remember it was something about Arizona and Chip (and, to a lesser amount, the rest of the family) and camping -- I think Chip was selling zir RV? (which ze doesn't have in real life) Then there was something about two little boys, one I was caring for and one who was leading me somewhere by the hand, running so fast uphill that I almost fell on my face and had to urge zir to slow down (and for some reason the sex of the kid pulling me seems significant). The setting seemed familiar -- I think it was the backyard of my bioparent's Georgia house (and now I'm remembering something about my old room in the basement). Confusing. And it set off some strange urge in me -- closest thing I can compare it to is the desire to run. Not away, but not to either. I've been feeling restless and unsettled and a little worried all day. And missing my bioparent P, which is VERY strange (also missing lil sis but that's normal).

This is all so hard to put into words -- partly just inherently and partly because it's all so intense for me that when I think about it my brain just wants to reel and say wow instead of sketching. But I want to remember as clearly as I can and I need words for that.

( there is really no way to sum this up! )

This is all so hard to put into words -- partly just inherently and partly because it's all so intense for me that when I think about it my brain just wants to reel and say wow instead of sketching. But I want to remember as clearly as I can and I need words for that.

( there is really no way to sum this up! )

Last night I dreamed that I went over to this-person-I-know's home and ze showed me zir plans for zir sanctuary (I thought it was odd ze was using my term but assumed it was to relate to me), warning me not to get mad. I asked "why would I get mad??" and ze said "because it's a fire hazard." I said "oh" and thought about it for a minute -- was I angry about zir potentially risking zir life? Then I decided that one's spirituality was more important than one's physical safety and said so. Ze started telling me about this conversation ze'd had with some famous person that ze was surprised I didn't know of -- ze was looking through scrap paper to find zir notes from the conversation. We were both laying on our bellies on the floor and when ze started sort of rambling I leaned over and laid my head next to zirs so they were touching. Ze stopped talking and we sort of just rested together for a moment. Then ze pulled zirself up to sitting and said, "I don't know why I'm calling this a haircut, that's misleading -- what I want is to completely shave my head, to be bald." I rolled over on my back to make eye contact and said, "oooh, me too! I'm just not sure when with everything so up in the air." I suddenly realized just how close above me ze was and put my fingers on my mouth to stop me kissing zir, and ze leaned down and kissed me! After that I was NOT shy about kissing zir, running my hands through zir hair and gripping zir neck and listening to zir little moany noises. And then of course I woke up from sheer excitement.

I've had SUCH a crush on this person for a LONG time, ohmygod. And I'd never have expected zir to kiss ME because I don't see zir as being that ... initiatory? but then, after that first moment it was mostly me kissing and zir responding. I want this to be a prophetic dream but I fear it is just a wishful dream :-p Still, what a lovely way to wake up! (ten minutes before my alarm was to go off!)

Last night I dreamed that I went over to this-person-I-know's home and ze showed me zir plans for zir sanctuary (I thought it was odd ze was using my term but assumed it was to relate to me), warning me not to get mad. I asked "why would I get mad??" and ze said "because it's a fire hazard." I said "oh" and thought about it for a minute -- was I angry about zir potentially risking zir life? Then I decided that one's spirituality was more important than one's physical safety and said so. Ze started telling me about this conversation ze'd had with some famous person that ze was surprised I didn't know of -- ze was looking through scrap paper to find zir notes from the conversation. We were both laying on our bellies on the floor and when ze started sort of rambling I leaned over and laid my head next to zirs so they were touching. Ze stopped talking and we sort of just rested together for a moment. Then ze pulled zirself up to sitting and said, "I don't know why I'm calling this a haircut, that's misleading -- what I want is to completely shave my head, to be bald." I rolled over on my back to make eye contact and said, "oooh, me too! I'm just not sure when with everything so up in the air." I suddenly realized just how close above me ze was and put my fingers on my mouth to stop me kissing zir, and ze leaned down and kissed me! After that I was NOT shy about kissing zir, running my hands through zir hair and gripping zir neck and listening to zir little moany noises. And then of course I woke up from sheer excitement.

I've had SUCH a crush on this person for a LONG time, ohmygod. And I'd never have expected zir to kiss ME because I don't see zir as being that ... initiatory? but then, after that first moment it was mostly me kissing and zir responding. I want this to be a prophetic dream but I fear it is just a wishful dream :-p Still, what a lovely way to wake up! (ten minutes before my alarm was to go off!)

( variations on a theme )

I'm not sure consciously what my psyche was figuring out, but I feel more whole after those dreams. The first two are extremely obvious but if you have an interpretation for the third I'd love to hear it.

( variations on a theme )

I'm not sure consciously what my psyche was figuring out, but I feel more whole after those dreams. The first two are extremely obvious but if you have an interpretation for the third I'd love to hear it.

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )

Last night I had a romantic/attraction dream about a burly white male person! I'm almost never attracted to really muscular males and the few that I have been attracted to haven't been white or 'cut'. This person was not only white, ze was golden-tan with medium hair and light eyes, and like 7 feet tall, with a chest like a foot-and-a-half thick, and shoulder muscles like rocks. But in the dream, I was flying around on a magic carpet (like ya do) stroking people's backs and shoulders very lightly. I stroked this one person's shoulders and ze shivered in response, which I thought was interesting but I moved on. Until ze came up behind me and made as if to stroke my back, but hesitated. I turned around with a wtf expression and ze said, "can you show me how to do that? I seem to have lost the knack of it." I scoffed at the idea that someone who looked like ze did could ever be that gentle or even want to be, and ze said something about how training to be a lawyer cause zir to forget how. Somehow I ended up with my legs wrapped around zir waist (ze had one arm around my lower back, holding me up as easily as if I were a toddler), talking about the stereotypes I had of people who looked like zir. Ze said something about having organic vegan cookies in zir pocket. I didn't believe zir and twisted around, hanging half-upside-down to look -- and there were sweet vegetable crisps in zir pocket, not really cookies but "thoughtful" food nonetheless. My damn alarm interrupted the flow of the dream but ze was SO incredibly sweet (and didn't get annoyed with my constant characterization of zir as a stoic, stupid, selfish person who was uninterested in the well-being of the planet or other people). Zir name was Eli Anderson.

Last night I had a romantic/attraction dream about a burly white male person! I'm almost never attracted to really muscular males and the few that I have been attracted to haven't been white or 'cut'. This person was not only white, ze was golden-tan with medium hair and light eyes, and like 7 feet tall, with a chest like a foot-and-a-half thick, and shoulder muscles like rocks. But in the dream, I was flying around on a magic carpet (like ya do) stroking people's backs and shoulders very lightly. I stroked this one person's shoulders and ze shivered in response, which I thought was interesting but I moved on. Until ze came up behind me and made as if to stroke my back, but hesitated. I turned around with a wtf expression and ze said, "can you show me how to do that? I seem to have lost the knack of it." I scoffed at the idea that someone who looked like ze did could ever be that gentle or even want to be, and ze said something about how training to be a lawyer cause zir to forget how. Somehow I ended up with my legs wrapped around zir waist (ze had one arm around my lower back, holding me up as easily as if I were a toddler), talking about the stereotypes I had of people who looked like zir. Ze said something about having organic vegan cookies in zir pocket. I didn't believe zir and twisted around, hanging half-upside-down to look -- and there were sweet vegetable crisps in zir pocket, not really cookies but "thoughtful" food nonetheless. My damn alarm interrupted the flow of the dream but ze was SO incredibly sweet (and didn't get annoyed with my constant characterization of zir as a stoic, stupid, selfish person who was uninterested in the well-being of the planet or other people). Zir name was Eli Anderson.

An LJ friend whom I don't know well but have a crush on invited me over to zir place. When I arrived, ze was on the phone, so I sat on the bed and waited. Eventually ze got off the phone, sat next to me, held a sheet of paper with handwritten lyrics on it in front of me (so that I could read them) and sang the most incredible love song to me, softly in my ear. It was beyond anything I'd ever hoped for, and I was overwhelmed with joy and awe (and surprise that this person whom I didn't really know could see me so clearly and feel such things about me). After the song I sat for a minute just staring, and then I turned to zir and wonderingly asked if ze really felt that way, and ze laughed lightly and said, "nah, just kidding!" I was too heartbroken to be angry, and ran off to a stable (??) nearby, lay on the ground in dust and hay, and cried my heart out.

( my second dream about Geb -- fascinating )

An LJ friend whom I don't know well but have a crush on invited me over to zir place. When I arrived, ze was on the phone, so I sat on the bed and waited. Eventually ze got off the phone, sat next to me, held a sheet of paper with handwritten lyrics on it in front of me (so that I could read them) and sang the most incredible love song to me, softly in my ear. It was beyond anything I'd ever hoped for, and I was overwhelmed with joy and awe (and surprise that this person whom I didn't really know could see me so clearly and feel such things about me). After the song I sat for a minute just staring, and then I turned to zir and wonderingly asked if ze really felt that way, and ze laughed lightly and said, "nah, just kidding!" I was too heartbroken to be angry, and ran off to a stable (??) nearby, lay on the ground in dust and hay, and cried my heart out.

( my second dream about Geb -- fascinating )

Some of you may remember the fair that Hannah and I just happened to discover the last day they were in town, which was my first fair. Well, today I gave Viv a ride to a meeting ze was going to, and we just passed right by it! (in a completely different part of town, by the way!) Of course I wanted to go, and Viv happily agreed -- so we went! again at night, again so serendipitously. ♥ (tonight I got a little red lobster to go with my violet seahorse :D)



( photos! )

Tonight I realized that I've dreamed of zir before we met! Here and here and once more (but I didn't write about the third one): my brain was using Adam Lambert as a metaphor for a violet spirit whom I'd not met. The first two times I dreamed of an unnamed person who just looked like zir, but in the last one ze was the singer. Silly me was disappointed -- I didn't get the message, "this is becoming real." In that last one, we kissed -- and I dreamed kisses exactly like Viv's (no one else has ever kissed me that way, so it wasn't a memory of the past!). I remember waking up and daydreaming about those kisses, and now I get them in REAL LIFE. Hence the smirk >;-}

( conflictedness: present, past, & future )

Once my intuition tells me "trust this" for the nth time, it'll sink in. I mean, I met zir in an everything-falls-into-place kind of way, I DREAMED ZIR KISSES EXACTLY, the fair just happened to be there -- how much more do I need?

Very Good Sign #452: ze disagrees with me confidently and matter-of-factly, without getting defensive or offensive. I LOVE THIS!

Some of you may remember the fair that Hannah and I just happened to discover the last day they were in town, which was my first fair. Well, today I gave Viv a ride to a meeting ze was going to, and we just passed right by it! (in a completely different part of town, by the way!) Of course I wanted to go, and Viv happily agreed -- so we went! again at night, again so serendipitously. ♥ (tonight I got a little red lobster to go with my violet seahorse :D)



( photos! )

Tonight I realized that I've dreamed of zir before we met! Here and here and once more (but I didn't write about the third one): my brain was using Adam Lambert as a metaphor for a violet spirit whom I'd not met. The first two times I dreamed of an unnamed person who just looked like zir, but in the last one ze was the singer. Silly me was disappointed -- I didn't get the message, "this is becoming real." In that last one, we kissed -- and I dreamed kisses exactly like Viv's (no one else has ever kissed me that way, so it wasn't a memory of the past!). I remember waking up and daydreaming about those kisses, and now I get them in REAL LIFE. Hence the smirk >;-}

( conflictedness: present, past, & future )

Once my intuition tells me "trust this" for the nth time, it'll sink in. I mean, I met zir in an everything-falls-into-place kind of way, I DREAMED ZIR KISSES EXACTLY, the fair just happened to be there -- how much more do I need?

Very Good Sign #452: ze disagrees with me confidently and matter-of-factly, without getting defensive or offensive. I LOVE THIS!

( another dream about prejudice, with the same person listening and agreeing )

You know how I was asking when to speak up about prejudice with acquaintances? I feel like my psyche is saying, "have you considered that you're more likely to meet people you'd connect with if you speak up when there is an audience?" But I don't get it, brain, you'll have to give me about five more of these dreams... ohhhh, I still feel aglow. But also yearning and missing zir :-(

( another dream about prejudice, with the same person listening and agreeing )

You know how I was asking when to speak up about prejudice with acquaintances? I feel like my psyche is saying, "have you considered that you're more likely to meet people you'd connect with if you speak up when there is an audience?" But I don't get it, brain, you'll have to give me about five more of these dreams... ohhhh, I still feel aglow. But also yearning and missing zir :-(

( another dream about prejudice, with the same person listening and agreeing )

You know how I was asking when to speak up about prejudice with acquaintances? I feel like my psyche is saying, "have you considered that you're more likely to meet people you'd connect with if you speak up when there is an audience?" But I don't get it, brain, you'll have to give me about five more of these dreams... ohhhh, I still feel aglow. But also yearning and missing zir :-(

( screaming about lookism )

This is the second time in as many weeks that I've had a dream where I screamed about lookism. (a Bel-definition of the word: lookism is the attitude that it is appropriate to rate the attractiveness of people (others and/or oneself) by external qualities. Lookism is prejudice based on one's own ideal for attractiveness, which may or may not match the societal ideal, and may or may not include more than one style of look. ANYTHING that says "x is more attractive than y" is lookist -- thus, saying that curvy women are prettier than slender women is just as lookist as the opposite). I think my dreams are using lookism as a stand-in for all prejudice.

I've been spending more time with people who haven't been hand-picked for their willingness to unlearn prejudice (like my LJ friends) and so I've been hearing a lot more lookism and sexism (which intersect really well as lookism is closely tied to gender -- ideals are often measured by how 'feminine' or 'masculine' they are). And I really don't know how to react. Because honestly if I spoke up every time someone said something prejudiced I'd be doing it every five minutes! it's how people relate! So I can't do it every time but I don't know how to pick the best times so I end up saying nothing. Apparently my spirit is getting so fed up with my silence that it is screaming when it gets the chance -- in my dreams.

How do you know when you know someone well enough to possibly embarrass them by pointing out that their mindset is prejudiced? I mean, I'm fine doing that with my deep relationships because I don't want deep relationships with prejudiced people, but with casual relationships? If it's one issue, it's so simple, but when it's an issue tied with five more issues, all of which together form the person's worldview, where do you even begin? I don't want to change anyone, necessarily, I just don't want to come away feeling like I've been silent in the face of prejudice when I should have taken the opportunity to speak up. And I don't want to be TOO bold and have someone close off to change when they might have otherwise realized their error. I just want to be true to my beliefs in a way that is not so harsh it gets shut out and not so gentle it isn't noticed. I really am not sure how to develop this balance. ((I'm not really looking for advice right now, because I feel like this is something I need to figure out on my own, but if you want to share your own experiences of confronting prejudice, they'd be very welcome.))

( screaming about lookism )

This is the second time in as many weeks that I've had a dream where I screamed about lookism. (a Bel-definition of the word: lookism is the attitude that it is appropriate to rate the attractiveness of people (others and/or oneself) by external qualities. Lookism is prejudice based on one's own ideal for attractiveness, which may or may not match the societal ideal, and may or may not include more than one style of look. ANYTHING that says "x is more attractive than y" is lookist -- thus, saying that curvy women are prettier than slender women is just as lookist as the opposite). I think my dreams are using lookism as a stand-in for all prejudice.

I've been spending more time with people who haven't been hand-picked for their willingness to unlearn prejudice (like my LJ friends) and so I've been hearing a lot more lookism and sexism (which intersect really well as lookism is closely tied to gender -- ideals are often measured by how 'feminine' or 'masculine' they are). And I really don't know how to react. Because honestly if I spoke up every time someone said something prejudiced I'd be doing it every five minutes! it's how people relate! So I can't do it every time but I don't know how to pick the best times so I end up saying nothing. Apparently my spirit is getting so fed up with my silence that it is screaming when it gets the chance -- in my dreams.

How do you know when you know someone well enough to possibly embarrass them by pointing out that their mindset is prejudiced? I mean, I'm fine doing that with my deep relationships because I don't want deep relationships with prejudiced people, but with casual relationships? If it's one issue, it's so simple, but when it's an issue tied with five more issues, all of which together form the person's worldview, where do you even begin? I don't want to change anyone, necessarily, I just don't want to come away feeling like I've been silent in the face of prejudice when I should have taken the opportunity to speak up. And I don't want to be TOO bold and have someone close off to change when they might have otherwise realized their error. I just want to be true to my beliefs in a way that is not so harsh it gets shut out and not so gentle it isn't noticed. I really am not sure how to develop this balance. ((I'm not really looking for advice right now, because I feel like this is something I need to figure out on my own, but if you want to share your own experiences of confronting prejudice, they'd be very welcome.))

( screaming about lookism )

This is the second time in as many weeks that I've had a dream where I screamed about lookism. (a Bel-definition of the word: lookism is the attitude that it is appropriate to rate the attractiveness of people (others and/or oneself) by external qualities. Lookism is prejudice based on one's own ideal for attractiveness, which may or may not match the societal ideal, and may or may not include more than one style of look. ANYTHING that says "x is more attractive than y" is lookist -- thus, saying that curvy women are prettier than slender women is just as lookist as the opposite). I think my dreams are using lookism as a stand-in for all prejudice.

I've been spending more time with people who haven't been hand-picked for their willingness to unlearn prejudice (like my LJ friends) and so I've been hearing a lot more lookism and sexism (which intersect really well as lookism is closely tied to gender -- ideals are often measured by how 'feminine' or 'masculine' they are). And I really don't know how to react. Because honestly if I spoke up every time someone said something prejudiced I'd be doing it every five minutes! it's how people relate! So I can't do it every time but I don't know how to pick the best times so I end up saying nothing. Apparently my spirit is getting so fed up with my silence that it is screaming when it gets the chance -- in my dreams.

How do you know when you know someone well enough to possibly embarrass them by pointing out that their mindset is prejudiced? I mean, I'm fine doing that with my deep relationships because I don't want deep relationships with prejudiced people, but with casual relationships? If it's one issue, it's so simple, but when it's an issue tied with five more issues, all of which together form the person's worldview, where do you even begin? I don't want to change anyone, necessarily, I just don't want to come away feeling like I've been silent in the face of prejudice when I should have taken the opportunity to speak up. And I don't want to be TOO bold and have someone close off to change when they might have otherwise realized their error. I just want to be true to my beliefs in a way that is not so harsh it gets shut out and not so gentle it isn't noticed. I really am not sure how to develop this balance. ((I'm not really looking for advice right now, because I feel like this is something I need to figure out on my own, but if you want to share your own experiences of confronting prejudice, they'd be very welcome.))

So, in the past few days I learned that I'm probably not going to be able to move to the city which I wanted to live in (at least, not anytime soon) and my lover Aurilion broke up with me. I'm not crushed by these things because I see them as postponed rather than lost, but they've really drained me nonetheless... I just haven't had much energy for anything.

I just realized that the day before Aurilion and I took a break from talking, I had a dream which among other things featured Aurilion and I falling out of an extremely high tower -- which is the scene on the Tower tarot card. I didn't know that until I was flipping through a book on tarot that I happened to get the other day, and saw an image that startled me with how much it looked like my dream (there was even lightening, in the form of 'bad ascended beings'). Apparently the Tower card means "False structures, false institutions, false beliefs are going to come tumbling down, suddenly, violently and all at once." In the dream, I figured out how to fall in such a way that the fall did not kill or even seriously injure me (or Aurilion, as I explained how to do it and ze did the same). That's pretty incredible now that I think about it... and it fits with other changes too.

( dream (drawn to giant wide person) )

So, in the past few days I learned that I'm probably not going to be able to move to the city which I wanted to live in (at least, not anytime soon) and my lover Aurilion broke up with me. I'm not crushed by these things because I see them as postponed rather than lost, but they've really drained me nonetheless... I just haven't had much energy for anything.

I just realized that the day before Aurilion and I took a break from talking, I had a dream which among other things featured Aurilion and I falling out of an extremely high tower -- which is the scene on the Tower tarot card. I didn't know that until I was flipping through a book on tarot that I happened to get the other day, and saw an image that startled me with how much it looked like my dream (there was even lightening, in the form of 'bad ascended beings'). Apparently the Tower card means "False structures, false institutions, false beliefs are going to come tumbling down, suddenly, violently and all at once." In the dream, I figured out how to fall in such a way that the fall did not kill or even seriously injure me (or Aurilion, as I explained how to do it and ze did the same). That's pretty incredible now that I think about it... and it fits with other changes too.

( dream (drawn to giant wide person) )

So, in the past few days I learned that I'm probably not going to be able to move to the city which I wanted to live in (at least, not anytime soon) and my lover Aurilion broke up with me. I'm not crushed by these things because I see them as postponed rather than lost, but they've really drained me nonetheless... I just haven't had much energy for anything.

I just realized that the day before Aurilion and I took a break from talking, I had a dream which among other things featured Aurilion and I falling out of an extremely high tower -- which is the scene on the Tower tarot card. I didn't know that until I was flipping through a book on tarot that I happened to get the other day, and saw an image that startled me with how much it looked like my dream (there was even lightening, in the form of 'bad ascended beings'). Apparently the Tower card means "False structures, false institutions, false beliefs are going to come tumbling down, suddenly, violently and all at once." In the dream, I figured out how to fall in such a way that the fall did not kill or even seriously injure me (or Aurilion, as I explained how to do it and ze did the same). That's pretty incredible now that I think about it... and it fits with other changes too.

( dream (drawn to giant wide person) )

( I was at a fair with a group of friends )

This dream is so encouraging for me ♥

( I was at a fair with a group of friends )

This dream is so encouraging for me ♥

So far this visit (oh yeah, Aurilion's visiting me btw haha) has been amazingly fruitful. I feel like we've grown by leaps and bounds, to the point where our 9-month relationship is starting to feel close to my 7-year relationship in sturdiness. Where do I even start... I guess I'll just let this flow in all it's unorganized glory.

Last night I discovered something about the time when Ashley and Aurilion (who then went by 'Lily') were together, something that hurt me and made me feel really betrayed. After spending a little while in shock, I told zir how it made me feel. At first ze responded in a way that I didn't find helpful at all, but we talked about that too, and after a looooong conversation we worked it out. That was the first time we'd ever had a discussion about something Aurilion had done that deeply hurt me, and it just... went so well! Ze was expecting me to kick zir out and tell zir to go home when I first brought it up, but there's no way that would happen. As long as someone is sorry for hurting me, and willing to admit they were wrong, and willing to make change to prevent that from happening again, there is nothing that cannot be overcome. I think I was expecting zir to just deny all fault/responsibility and essentially tell me that I would just have to live with it (because I have experienced that in the past, especially when the other person would rather walk over hot coals than hurt me), but ze didn't, ze was just very sorry, feeling my pain and empathizing with me. It was really amazing because that is the first time I've had that kind of discussion with zir, and it felt so cleansing and strengthening. I really feel that when you approach it in the most respectful and open way, a hurtful thing can be turned into the most beautiful nourishing thing. Like a one-broken bone becomes stronger in that place after it heals.

We've just been breaking down so many old patterns! One thing that has just blown me away is the way ze has opened up after uncovering a block on initiating touch. Ze has such a beautifully giving spirit, and since I am such a physical touch person, receiving zir touch is the most glooooooooooorious thing! It feels like every time ze touches me, caressing my back or kissing my shoulder, a little bit of me unfolds more. Our growth reflects in each other... ever increasing, ever shining more.

We went to visit my parent Pat for a couple of days (and we're going back over there today) and THAT was amazing too. Somehow being there was this catalyst for so much, including the initiating-touch thing, and that is a happening I will never forget. I had the most amazing dreams!

( dreams -- on a ship hearing my trueself, being chosen by lottery to be killed by a spider-bat )

So far this visit (oh yeah, Aurilion's visiting me btw haha) has been amazingly fruitful. I feel like we've grown by leaps and bounds, to the point where our 9-month relationship is starting to feel close to my 7-year relationship in sturdiness. Where do I even start... I guess I'll just let this flow in all it's unorganized glory.

Last night I discovered something about the time when Ashley and Aurilion (who then went by 'Lily') were together, something that hurt me and made me feel really betrayed. After spending a little while in shock, I told zir how it made me feel. At first ze responded in a way that I didn't find helpful at all, but we talked about that too, and after a looooong conversation we worked it out. That was the first time we'd ever had a discussion about something Aurilion had done that deeply hurt me, and it just... went so well! Ze was expecting me to kick zir out and tell zir to go home when I first brought it up, but there's no way that would happen. As long as someone is sorry for hurting me, and willing to admit they were wrong, and willing to make change to prevent that from happening again, there is nothing that cannot be overcome. I think I was expecting zir to just deny all fault/responsibility and essentially tell me that I would just have to live with it (because I have experienced that in the past, especially when the other person would rather walk over hot coals than hurt me), but ze didn't, ze was just very sorry, feeling my pain and empathizing with me. It was really amazing because that is the first time I've had that kind of discussion with zir, and it felt so cleansing and strengthening. I really feel that when you approach it in the most respectful and open way, a hurtful thing can be turned into the most beautiful nourishing thing. Like a one-broken bone becomes stronger in that place after it heals.

We've just been breaking down so many old patterns! One thing that has just blown me away is the way ze has opened up after uncovering a block on initiating touch. Ze has such a beautifully giving spirit, and since I am such a physical touch person, receiving zir touch is the most glooooooooooorious thing! It feels like every time ze touches me, caressing my back or kissing my shoulder, a little bit of me unfolds more. Our growth reflects in each other... ever increasing, ever shining more.

We went to visit my parent Pat for a couple of days (and we're going back over there today) and THAT was amazing too. Somehow being there was this catalyst for so much, including the initiating-touch thing, and that is a happening I will never forget. I had the most amazing dreams!

( dreams -- on a ship hearing my trueself, being chosen by lottery to be killed by a spider-bat )