These are the characters in the story of my life:

most mentioned:
Ace (lil sis) aka girlslovegirls7 -- younger sister, deep friend, soul-kin.
Ben aka justben -- lover, deep friend, heart-kin, soul-kin.
Ash aka theroamer -- deep friend, flatmate.
Hannah aka shioneh -- deep friend, spirit-kin.
Nea aka acid_burns -- deep friend, soul-kin.
S -- close friend.

localtribe:
Shel aka aerialmelodies
Sara aka theindiequeen
Kristen aka gods_ornament
(under the general tag: Anna, Kat K, Chase, Anita, Saleena, Nicole, Brigit, Greta, Brandon, Sakka, Josh, Paul, Ryan, Nikki, Wolf, Tali, Scarlett)

often mentioned but not currently part of my life:
B, my ex-partner -- ex-partner, ex-lover, heart-kin.
Aurilion -- ex-lover, heart-kin.
Viv -- ex-friend/love, spirit-kin.
ex-partner's family -- my ex's family
biofamily -- my biological family

those I rarely talk/write about lately, but who had/have a big impact on my life:
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend, heart-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- friend, spirit-kin, heart-kin.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- good friend, soul-kin.
SabR aka sabr -- good friend.
Anika aka cunningbunny -- friend.
Paula & Spencer -- spiritual parents.
Gabe -- spiritual sibling.
elya -- sister-in-law, friend.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- friend, spirit-kin.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- friend.
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend.
Kaylene -- friend.
Allison -- friend.

( most mentioned: )

( localtribe: )

( people I talk/write about who are not active parts of my life )

( people I rarely talk/write about lately, but who had/have a big impact on my life )

"Phoenix" by Richard Powers:



After 2007, a year I called "waiting in dim light," 2008 was a year of incredible exploration and growth! Like the phoenix dying, I suffered through the beginning of the year, and like the phoenix reborn, in a short time my life just EXPLODED into a firework display of astoundingly intense experiences. Looking over this year in order to write it up, I realized that just the bare summaries of everything make for a intense read. In fact, I can hardly believe that all this happened in the same year.

I intended to make this year the year of risk-taking, the year in which I sought to build my physical fearlessness. Instead, it was the year of faith-building, and I built my spiritual fearlessness, which I hadn't even realized was something I could grow in. Through my relationship/connection with Aurilion, my oh-so-brief triads with Aurilion & Hannah and then Hannah & Nick (both of which lasted a day), reading The Secret Life of Plants, A Door Into Ocean, Talks With Trees, and several Michael Roads books, experiencing connection with myself, with trees, and with people in a way far deeper than ever before, learning to believe in myself... there is far too much to sum up, even. It's like the entire universe conspired to bring my spirituality from tentative theory into wild bold practice! and whyyyyy might that be? read this -- "Thank you God/dess for so many wonderful gifts this year! It has been the best of my life so far! So much growth and love and newness ♥ I know you more in all your forms. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and sending me myriad encouraging messages. Thank you for telling me some of your Names. Thank you for enlightening me and guiding me, and most of all for showing me so much love!" all of that happened. I got chills when I re-read it, writing this. And I wrote it originally in an almost-silly frame of mind, trying to come up with the most effusive stuff -- but writing it opened up the door for all that to flood into my life. and. it. did. I rather blushingly included finding a girlfriend/having new lovers, without having even the slightest possibilities in mind, and -- it happened! Yet another astoundingly faith-building happening, on top of all the others. And yet I feel like I've just begun believing. I don't yet know what my goal for 2009 will be but I know I'll be writing another gratitude-in-advance letter!

in 2007's summary I said "I want to come out of [2008] feeling like I have a handful of jewels, not just three or four." haha! Now I laugh at how puny a handful is compared to the arms-full-and-running-over that it turned out to be.

( important events in 2008, tenses go a bit haywire, sorry )

"Phoenix" by Richard Powers:



After 2007, a year I called "waiting in dim light," 2008 was a year of incredible exploration and growth! Like the phoenix dying, I suffered through the beginning of the year, and like the phoenix reborn, in a short time my life just EXPLODED into a firework display of astoundingly intense experiences. Looking over this year in order to write it up, I realized that just the bare summaries of everything make for a intense read. In fact, I can hardly believe that all this happened in the same year.

I intended to make this year the year of risk-taking, the year in which I sought to build my physical fearlessness. Instead, it was the year of faith-building, and I built my spiritual fearlessness, which I hadn't even realized was something I could grow in. Through my relationship/connection with Aurilion, my oh-so-brief triads with Aurilion & Hannah and then Hannah & Nick (both of which lasted a day), reading The Secret Life of Plants, A Door Into Ocean, Talks With Trees, and several Michael Roads books, experiencing connection with myself, with trees, and with people in a way far deeper than ever before, learning to believe in myself... there is far too much to sum up, even. It's like the entire universe conspired to bring my spirituality from tentative theory into wild bold practice! and whyyyyy might that be? read this -- "Thank you God/dess for so many wonderful gifts this year! It has been the best of my life so far! So much growth and love and newness ♥ I know you more in all your forms. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and sending me myriad encouraging messages. Thank you for telling me some of your Names. Thank you for enlightening me and guiding me, and most of all for showing me so much love!" all of that happened. I got chills when I re-read it, writing this. And I wrote it originally in an almost-silly frame of mind, trying to come up with the most effusive stuff -- but writing it opened up the door for all that to flood into my life. and. it. did. I rather blushingly included finding a girlfriend/having new lovers, without having even the slightest possibilities in mind, and -- it happened! Yet another astoundingly faith-building happening, on top of all the others. And yet I feel like I've just begun believing. I don't yet know what my goal for 2009 will be but I know I'll be writing another gratitude-in-advance letter!

in 2007's summary I said "I want to come out of [2008] feeling like I have a handful of jewels, not just three or four." haha! Now I laugh at how puny a handful is compared to the arms-full-and-running-over that it turned out to be.

( important events in 2008, tenses go a bit haywire, sorry )

These are the characters in the story of my life:

(NEEDS UPDATING)

my partner aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
lil sis -- younger sister, soul-kin.
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nea aka acid_burns -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- friend, spirit-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- friend, spirit-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- friend, spirit-kin.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- friend.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
my partner's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

These are the characters in the story of my life:

my partner aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
lil sis -- younger sister, soul-kin.
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nea aka acid_burns -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- friend, spirit-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- friend, spirit-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- friend, spirit-kin.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- friend.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
my partner's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

Happy April 1st -- don't let anyone fool you today, heh. (don't think I've ever attempted an April Fool's joke, doubt I ever will -- even if I tried it would fail miserably because I can't lie worth a damn)

So. I was going to take more photos to go along with this, but I have been on a nocturnal schedule which makes taking photos difficult (am natural-light obsessed). I have some belated thank-yous for birthday gifts! In the order they arrived:

jenniology sent me an AMAZING painting of two Egyptian women/goddesses! One in green with a lotus circlet, and one in red with the sundisk and horns on her head (Isis or Hathor?). It's on papyrus! so I'm keeping it wrapped up until I get a good frame for it. Jenny, this is SUCH an amazing gift! Nothing thrills me more than being given original art, especially by the artist hirself! ♥ Thank you a million times! And thank you for the sweet card.

kmiotutsie gave me a stained glass star, which is... WOW so amazing! I have it hanging on the wall in my living room right now, but soon it is going in my sanctuary ♥ that I DO have photos of. ( five photos! ) & she also got me a crystal pendant which is really awesome because I had been craving one. I'm not sure what I want it for yet... not just for wearing, I might make it into a pendulum. Thank you so much Firekat! You rock! You know me so well. :D

cynosis sent me a wonderful mix CD with a long hand-written note! including the important parts of lyrics. I have only listened to a few songs so far but I am LOVING what I've heard. (holy crap, the song "Nara" is thrilling me down to my bones, wow, shivers) And the note means a LOT because I LOVE having samples of people's handwriting. It's like a little piece of you, a little expression of your individuality. Thank you Cynosis!

mme_furiosa sent me a postcard from Sri Lanka!!! How cool is that? It's from a Moken village, where a once nomadic people now lives. She chose it because she and I both have gypsy spirits ♥ Thanks Francesca!

In other news, I got a HealthRider for myself from craigslist for $35, haha! My parents had one when I was a teen, and I used to listen to music and use it and go into an absolute trance. It is FUN, no I'm totally not kidding. It is like a combination swing and see-saw and it totally brings out my little kid self! I love it! They should have named it the FunRider -- but then all the people who want to punish their bodies rather than enjoy them wouldn't have gotten it, heh. It's so fun! I'm really wishing I could take it to Glasgow with me so that I could share it with Hannah. Ben likes it too :D

Happy April 1st -- don't let anyone fool you today, heh. (don't think I've ever attempted an April Fool's joke, doubt I ever will -- even if I tried it would fail miserably because I can't lie worth a damn)

So. I was going to take more photos to go along with this, but I have been on a nocturnal schedule which makes taking photos difficult (am natural-light obsessed). I have some belated thank-yous for birthday gifts! In the order they arrived:

jenniology sent me an AMAZING painting of two Egyptian women/goddesses! One in green with a lotus circlet, and one in red with the sundisk and horns on her head (Isis or Hathor?). It's on papyrus! so I'm keeping it wrapped up until I get a good frame for it. Jenny, this is SUCH an amazing gift! Nothing thrills me more than being given original art, especially by the artist hirself! ♥ Thank you a million times! And thank you for the sweet card.

kmiotutsie gave me a stained glass star, which is... WOW so amazing! I have it hanging on the wall in my living room right now, but soon it is going in my sanctuary ♥ that I DO have photos of. ( five photos! ) & she also got me a crystal pendant which is really awesome because I had been craving one. I'm not sure what I want it for yet... not just for wearing, I might make it into a pendulum. Thank you so much Firekat! You rock! You know me so well. :D

cynosis sent me a wonderful mix CD with a long hand-written note! including the important parts of lyrics. I have only listened to a few songs so far but I am LOVING what I've heard. (holy crap, the song "Nara" is thrilling me down to my bones, wow, shivers) And the note means a LOT because I LOVE having samples of people's handwriting. It's like a little piece of you, a little expression of your individuality. Thank you Cynosis!

mme_furiosa sent me a postcard from Sri Lanka!!! How cool is that? It's from a Moken village, where a once nomadic people now lives. She chose it because she and I both have gypsy spirits ♥ Thanks Francesca!

In other news, I got a HealthRider for myself from craigslist for $35, haha! My parents had one when I was a teen, and I used to listen to music and use it and go into an absolute trance. It is FUN, no I'm totally not kidding. It is like a combination swing and see-saw and it totally brings out my little kid self! I love it! They should have named it the FunRider -- but then all the people who want to punish their bodies rather than enjoy them wouldn't have gotten it, heh. It's so fun! I'm really wishing I could take it to Glasgow with me so that I could share it with Hannah. Ben likes it too :D

Haha, you guys see me very differently than I see myself! I was sure you'd all choose the first one, and it ended up being least popular. I think it's significant that kmiotutsie chose it though, because she's the only voter who's actually spent several days in a row with me ;-D and I apparently come across much more serious in my LJ than face-to-face. I laugh and grin a lot in real life. and rant and yell and make crazy faces. Maybe I should make a habit of posting videos more often. Anyway I made the two most popular choices into icons, shimmering and voltaic. ;-)

My posts have been monomaniacal lately, which is a bit irksome to me because when people come across it I feel they get the wrong idea about me. But sex (the act, sexual identity/ preference/ orientation, the social beliefs about it) seems to be the theme in my thoughts lately so it's the theme here. I suppose I'll just have to live with my monomaniacal LJ until the theme passes ;-)

On another note, I'm so freaking out of shape! I almost never get my heart rate up, never exert myself, and as a result I get out of breath so easily. And my muscles are weak, which annoys me greatly because I've always been strong. I really miss the feeling of confidence that comes with muscle strength. When I worked on the farm, I never got out of breath and never got tired (unless I did something REALLY exhausting like muck out the barn) -- I don't miss the drudgery and depression but I do miss my fitness! So I'm going to make that a current project -- for every thirty minutes of sitting I'm going to do some half-jumping-jacks (while holding my breasts, so they aren't REAL jumping jacks but I don't care to have my breasts fly off) to get my heart rate up (or maybe I'll get a jump rope and sports bra), and I'm going to sign up for Curves (now that we can afford it yay!) and go three times a week. And in a few months I'm going to start taking bellydance lessons again!

A few months ago I wrote this and never posted it, so here you go: ( my first experience with Unity Church (incl. first reiki experience), and current impressions ) Just being around people who are focused on spiritual growth is REALLY good for me.

Last Sunday I went to Unity again and the assistant pastor Bill spoke (because Nancy was out of town) about how to find happiness. One of the things he focused on was surrounding yourself with positive, growth-oriented people. I had noticed a girl who seemed close to my age sitting in the row in front of me, and had thought about giving her my contact info (since I thought I'd have to leave early but Bill is less verbose than Nancy), and his topic convinced me that I should. So I super-nervously spoke to her after the service (she had to offer her name because of course I forgot, and then I gave her the wrong name! agh!) and gave her my contact info, and she seemed open to the idea of being friends. And then I was very relieved that she actually contacted me AND added me on LJ (hi theindiequeen!) so I didn't put her off. And she lives decently close instead of HOURS away like everyone else! So hopefully we'll get to meet sometime this week. I am very proud of my own bravery! When I think back about how I used to be... just wow.

I am pretty desperate for friends in the area. I have so many AMAZING friends but you all live too damn far away! And I want to do stuff! The only friend I have close by is Ben, so when he is home I want to spend time with him, so I only do things that we both like -- which is pretty much go to coffee, go driving, or stay home. (every now and then he'll go to the used book store with me) And of course when he's at work he has the car, so I can't go out then. *sigh* I'm looking forward to getting a second car. Or a friend who lives nearby and likes similar things so that I can do stuff with them instead of by myself.

ALSO! Crafty friends, I want to commission a bright rainbow-colored ruffle-front or zip-up knit duster (like this or this or this, only in rainbow yarn) Are any of you available/able to do that sort of commission, or do you know anyone who is? As long as the prices are reasonable and the person is vouched for I'll be happy to pay half in advance (or if it is one of you, I'll pay it all in advance). I'd also be up for a thick rainbow fabric if the maker can find it.

Haha, you guys see me very differently than I see myself! I was sure you'd all choose the first one, and it ended up being least popular. I think it's significant that kmiotutsie chose it though, because she's the only voter who's actually spent several days in a row with me ;-D and I apparently come across much more serious in my LJ than face-to-face. I laugh and grin a lot in real life. and rant and yell and make crazy faces. Maybe I should make a habit of posting videos more often. Anyway I made the two most popular choices into icons, shimmering and voltaic. ;-)

My posts have been monomaniacal lately, which is a bit irksome to me because when people come across it I feel they get the wrong idea about me. But sex (the act, sexual identity/ preference/ orientation, the social beliefs about it) seems to be the theme in my thoughts lately so it's the theme here. I suppose I'll just have to live with my monomaniacal LJ until the theme passes ;-)

On another note, I'm so freaking out of shape! I almost never get my heart rate up, never exert myself, and as a result I get out of breath so easily. And my muscles are weak, which annoys me greatly because I've always been strong. I really miss the feeling of confidence that comes with muscle strength. When I worked on the farm, I never got out of breath and never got tired (unless I did something REALLY exhausting like muck out the barn) -- I don't miss the drudgery and depression but I do miss my fitness! So I'm going to make that a current project -- for every thirty minutes of sitting I'm going to do some half-jumping-jacks (while holding my breasts, so they aren't REAL jumping jacks but I don't care to have my breasts fly off) to get my heart rate up (or maybe I'll get a jump rope and sports bra), and I'm going to sign up for Curves (now that we can afford it yay!) and go three times a week. And in a few months I'm going to start taking bellydance lessons again!

A few months ago I wrote this and never posted it, so here you go: ( my first experience with Unity Church (incl. first reiki experience), and current impressions ) Just being around people who are focused on spiritual growth is REALLY good for me.

Last Sunday I went to Unity again and the assistant pastor Bill spoke (because Nancy was out of town) about how to find happiness. One of the things he focused on was surrounding yourself with positive, growth-oriented people. I had noticed a girl who seemed close to my age sitting in the row in front of me, and had thought about giving her my contact info (since I thought I'd have to leave early but Bill is less verbose than Nancy), and his topic convinced me that I should. So I super-nervously spoke to her after the service (she had to offer her name because of course I forgot, and then I gave her the wrong name! agh!) and gave her my contact info, and she seemed open to the idea of being friends. And then I was very relieved that she actually contacted me AND added me on LJ (hi theindiequeen!) so I didn't put her off. And she lives decently close instead of HOURS away like everyone else! So hopefully we'll get to meet sometime this week. I am very proud of my own bravery! When I think back about how I used to be... just wow.

I am pretty desperate for friends in the area. I have so many AMAZING friends but you all live too damn far away! And I want to do stuff! The only friend I have close by is Ben, so when he is home I want to spend time with him, so I only do things that we both like -- which is pretty much go to coffee, go driving, or stay home. (every now and then he'll go to the used book store with me) And of course when he's at work he has the car, so I can't go out then. *sigh* I'm looking forward to getting a second car. Or a friend who lives nearby and likes similar things so that I can do stuff with them instead of by myself.

ALSO! Crafty friends, I want to commission a bright rainbow-colored ruffle-front or zip-up knit duster (like this or this or this, only in rainbow yarn) Are any of you available/able to do that sort of commission, or do you know anyone who is? As long as the prices are reasonable and the person is vouched for I'll be happy to pay half in advance (or if it is one of you, I'll pay it all in advance). I'd also be up for a thick rainbow fabric if the maker can find it.

I've just looked over my journal and my last really personal verbal post was over a month ago. I like posting rants and photos and etc. but I don't feel like I am really journaling unless I have some personal words in there. I'm sick of being blocked! So here goes, this'll probably be all over the place.

Hannah and I are in a limbo-place in our relationship right now. Over the visit we did a lot of talking and realized that our relationship had gone rusty from lack of communication, and it was no longer a soulfriendship, though it was still a deep friendship. We discussed whether or not to try to build back up to a soulfriendship, but didn't come to any real conclusion. Since then we've exchanged some emails, but they've been sparse and inconclusive. Right now I don't know what is going to happen at all -- it could be that we reconnect and build something even more beautiful than before, and it could be that the relationship is over, or that we go to a casual friendship. Neither of us is angry (I don't think) but there is a lot of hurt... I want to discuss my feelings more in depth but I want to hear back from her first. I feel like I'm in a vacuum emotionally on this, because I don't have happiness with her, but I can't mourn either because it may not be over. If it is... I don't even know what will happen inside me.

I think I may have lost touch with Meliae, which is really horrible. I hadn't posted much about her, just a mention here and there, but she was really important to me. She understood me in ways no one else ever has, taught me so much and opened my mind so much, so gently. I only met her this year, and we didn't have much time to get to know each other -- she had four huge research papers to write the first few months I knew her, and then she was moving, going on a cross-country trip, and preparing to go to school in Spain the next semester -- but the bits of time that we did have were just amazing. Then she visited the states, we talked once on the phone and discussed meeting up while she was here, and then I lost touch, almost 2 months ago. With all the moving and changing numbers/addresses, I have no idea how to get in contact with her. And I feel sad about that, but I'm kinda in an emotional vacuum on that too because there's no 'end.'

And SabR and Kazi... I'm afraid to contact them, afraid to NOT contact them, so I end up trying to avoid thinking about it, not knowing whether or not it's okay for me to comment on their posts, not wanting to talk in real time because I'm afraid they'll be angry at me. I'm such a fucking wimp when I feel like I've wronged someone. SabR said she wanted to get in contact, so I told them my availability and asked for theirs, now my fear will just have to shut up.

I've been off of g-talk for months now, first for Hannah's visit and then because I had so much in me that I was afraid to let out. I have missed talking to Kenzy -- she and I used to talk all the time. And I miss Kat, but not as much because we stay in contact other ways. ♥ Thank God/dess for Kat and Nea, who've kept on reaching out to seemingly-ungrateful, unresponsive me. *deep sigh* I can't even express how much your concern and love has meant. *lovelove* And many thanks to the others of you who have kept me connected with the world with your beautiful inspiring posts.

And thank God/dess for my beautiful partner, who becomes more expressive and open and honest with every single day. Who always wants to be there for me, even if sometimes he just can't. God/dess, he's incredible. He's growing so much, all the time. When he first started on this path a few months ago, I didn't think it would last, but now I believe in him. ♥

Right now I'm in such a dark place -- not continuously, but overall. I keep going to sleep just to escape, very little holds my interest. I just want to be distracted. and yet! at the same time, I feel this is a time of learning for me. Not growth, but learning in preparation for growth. I'm learning mostly from you beautiful people, and I'm also learning more of myself. A beautiful part of me is finally blossoming, despite the darkness. Maybe it's a nightbloom...

I feel like strong change is coming, and oh, do I welcome it. I need it.

I've just looked over my journal and my last really personal verbal post was over a month ago. I like posting rants and photos and etc. but I don't feel like I am really journaling unless I have some personal words in there. I'm sick of being blocked! So here goes, this'll probably be all over the place.

Hannah and I are in a limbo-place in our relationship right now. Over the visit we did a lot of talking and realized that our relationship had gone rusty from lack of communication, and it was no longer a soulfriendship, though it was still a deep friendship. We discussed whether or not to try to build back up to a soulfriendship, but didn't come to any real conclusion. Since then we've exchanged some emails, but they've been sparse and inconclusive. Right now I don't know what is going to happen at all -- it could be that we reconnect and build something even more beautiful than before, and it could be that the relationship is over, or that we go to a casual friendship. Neither of us is angry (I don't think) but there is a lot of hurt... I want to discuss my feelings more in depth but I want to hear back from her first. I feel like I'm in a vacuum emotionally on this, because I don't have happiness with her, but I can't mourn either because it may not be over. If it is... I don't even know what will happen inside me.

I think I may have lost touch with Meliae, which is really horrible. I hadn't posted much about her, just a mention here and there, but she was really important to me. She understood me in ways no one else ever has, taught me so much and opened my mind so much, so gently. I only met her this year, and we didn't have much time to get to know each other -- she had four huge research papers to write the first few months I knew her, and then she was moving, going on a cross-country trip, and preparing to go to school in Spain the next semester -- but the bits of time that we did have were just amazing. Then she visited the states, we talked once on the phone and discussed meeting up while she was here, and then I lost touch, almost 2 months ago. With all the moving and changing numbers/addresses, I have no idea how to get in contact with her. And I feel sad about that, but I'm kinda in an emotional vacuum on that too because there's no 'end.'

And SabR and Kazi... I'm afraid to contact them, afraid to NOT contact them, so I end up trying to avoid thinking about it, not knowing whether or not it's okay for me to comment on their posts, not wanting to talk in real time because I'm afraid they'll be angry at me. I'm such a fucking wimp when I feel like I've wronged someone. SabR said she wanted to get in contact, so I told them my availability and asked for theirs, now my fear will just have to shut up.

I've been off of g-talk for months now, first for Hannah's visit and then because I had so much in me that I was afraid to let out. I have missed talking to Kenzy -- she and I used to talk all the time. And I miss Kat, but not as much because we stay in contact other ways. ♥ Thank God/dess for Kat and Nea, who've kept on reaching out to seemingly-ungrateful, unresponsive me. *deep sigh* I can't even express how much your concern and love has meant. *lovelove* And many thanks to the others of you who have kept me connected with the world with your beautiful inspiring posts.

And thank God/dess for my beautiful partner, who becomes more expressive and open and honest with every single day. Who always wants to be there for me, even if sometimes he just can't. God/dess, he's incredible. He's growing so much, all the time. When he first started on this path a few months ago, I didn't think it would last, but now I believe in him. ♥

Right now I'm in such a dark place -- not continuously, but overall. I keep going to sleep just to escape, very little holds my interest. I just want to be distracted. and yet! at the same time, I feel this is a time of learning for me. Not growth, but learning in preparation for growth. I'm learning mostly from you beautiful people, and I'm also learning more of myself. A beautiful part of me is finally blossoming, despite the darkness. Maybe it's a nightbloom...

I feel like strong change is coming, and oh, do I welcome it. I need it.

Sunday we drove allll the way to Myrtle Beach, about an 7-8 hour trip with all the mixups at the end (next time I am looking at the map and cutting out unnecessarily-complicated 'shortcuts,' hmph. Neither googlemaps nor mapquest was straightforward). By the time we got there the day was pretty much over, so we just had dinner and went to sleep. Monday we spent time with Sophia and the little girl she watches, Anna. Anna's a sweetheart, she seems so happy and free! ♥ Meeting her reminded me that it has been YEARS since I babysat. I love kids, how open they are and how they haven't been muddied and diluted by the world (if they have decent parents). I love how they aren't so cynical, as most adults are. They still see the magic! I think I'd like to get back into babysitting or nannying, since I definitely don't yet want my own kids.

Meeting Sophia was lovely -- she's a little angel. It's such a mind-twister to me how she and Kat look SO alike and yet SO different! I guess it's like Sophia is an angel and Kat is a faery -- both winged, magical, ethereal, so that it seems like they're the same when compared to general humankind, but when contrasted with each other, different in every way. heh. Kat is firmly childfree and Sophia is a nanny who adores her charges! Kat's quite separate from conventional life and Sophia's quite in it. So interesting! You'd think they'd argue all the time but I suppose they have learned how to balance with each other.

and now you get to see the amazing photos from the last day! (including the one that this fantasmagically cute icon came from :D) I loooooooooooooooooooooooove them!!!



( incredible amazing photos!!! )

afterwards I drove all the way back by myself, and I've never driven even half that distance alone before, so I was quite nervous! It didn't help matters that I had baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarely enough gas money to make it! but I did it, and was quite pleased with myself. yay me! Two years ago I would never have been able to do it.

Sunday we drove allll the way to Myrtle Beach, about an 7-8 hour trip with all the mixups at the end (next time I am looking at the map and cutting out unnecessarily-complicated 'shortcuts,' hmph. Neither googlemaps nor mapquest was straightforward). By the time we got there the day was pretty much over, so we just had dinner and went to sleep. Monday we spent time with Sophia and the little girl she watches, Anna. Anna's a sweetheart, she seems so happy and free! ♥ Meeting her reminded me that it has been YEARS since I babysat. I love kids, how open they are and how they haven't been muddied and diluted by the world (if they have decent parents). I love how they aren't so cynical, as most adults are. They still see the magic! I think I'd like to get back into babysitting or nannying, since I definitely don't yet want my own kids.

Meeting Sophia was lovely -- she's a little angel. It's such a mind-twister to me how she and Kat look SO alike and yet SO different! I guess it's like Sophia is an angel and Kat is a faery -- both winged, magical, ethereal, so that it seems like they're the same when compared to general humankind, but when contrasted with each other, different in every way. heh. Kat is firmly childfree and Sophia is a nanny who adores her charges! Kat's quite separate from conventional life and Sophia's quite in it. So interesting! You'd think they'd argue all the time but I suppose they have learned how to balance with each other.

and now you get to see the amazing photos from the last day! (including the one that this fantasmagically cute icon came from :D) I loooooooooooooooooooooooove them!!!



( incredible amazing photos!!! )

afterwards I drove all the way back by myself, and I've never driven even half that distance alone before, so I was quite nervous! It didn't help matters that I had baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarely enough gas money to make it! but I did it, and was quite pleased with myself. yay me! Two years ago I would never have been able to do it.

first, isn't my icon just completely utterly beyond adorable? :D :D :D

Thursday we did a nude photoshoot! I dragged several of the lamps into the bedroom and set up my tripod and made my first attempt at artistic nudes of someone else! Very exciting. I wish I had used a different backdrop, because after looking at them full-screen, I realize that that one is just wayyyyy too busy. But I still got some shots that I think are incredible. I really want to get actual lighting equipment and a studio... I'm so glad she agreed to model for me! :D Thanks Kat! ♥

( one implied nude, probably work safe )

After the shoot I went out to get my hair cut. I was all excited because I just KNEW that the cut I had in mind was going to look absolutely fantastic on me. So I went in, waited around for the lady I wanted, and then when she finally came up, I showed her what I wanted (found a pic in a book) and she palmed me off on the lady who had given me a completely shitty haircut last time. But I thought, hey, maybe I just didn't explain it well last time, and how can she go wrong with a photo of what I want right in front of her? >:-( She lopped ALL MY HAIR OFF, about 3-4 inches shorter than the photo, and brought the cowlick of doom back to life! I was so furious I couldn't speak, could hardly think. Which is why I didn't think to refuse to pay, which is what I should have done. At least I didn't tip her. I seriously think she hated me (because I made her re-cut it last time, and then made it clear that I did NOT want her this time) and gave me a bad cut on purpose. Evil, evil lady. ( a photo of the cut )

But except for the horridly stubborn cowlick (which I have to pin down because no mere glopping of gel will work), I've decided to like the cut now. The bangs at least are okay, and I like my dykey look, heh. I forgive you, evil haircutting lady. Go and commit hair-sins no more.

That night we went to the coffeehouse -- sadly there were people on my green couch (both times we went!) and so we sat in the front. I totally forget what we talked about, but I remember it was very interesting! ( coffeehouse photos )

Then Saturday we went to the Renaissance festival!!! yay! I loooooove going, I love the magical feel of it all and especially the beautiful glass exhibits ♥ I found a Ma'at figurine that was of much higher quality than any I have found, so I just had to have it for my sanctuary. I loved that stall and wish I had taken photos of the amazing goddess statues and mermaids and Egyptian figurines, all wonderful. ( Ma'at figurine photos )

We watched an acrobatic show, which was fantastic -- and I looooved watching the woman especially, she was so amazingly fit and curvy! They were quite funny and seemed to be having a blast.( RenFest acrobats! )

and I had to take a million glass photos...
( art glass is magic )

and had to also take photos of beautiful Kat! in the lovely little alleyway we found. ( pics of Kat! and my partner taking photos of Kat, and us with our faces in the painted board )


and then I found the MOST AMAZING SKIRT EVER and my partner saw the look on my face and declared that we had to buy it. :D I changed into it before the receipt even printed! I love it so so so so so so so so soooooooooooooooooooo MUCH OMG LOVE!!!!!

( pics of Kat and me in my AMAZING SKIRT!!! )

Kat gave me an AMAZING purse which is totally perfect for carrying my camera about in! It is EXACTLY the right size, EXACTLY the right shade, and it is even padded for extra protection! camera, cell, keys, and cards all fit nicely. I've never been so excited about a purse! it couldn't be more perfect if I designed it. The strap is even the perfect length! Unfortunately it doesn't photograph correctly -- it comes out as blue when it is quite violet.

And to wrap up the day, we went to my favorite mexican restaurant because after all, it was Cinco de Mayo! (as if I need an excuse to go there) Sadly, the waiter (a really great guy who often serves us) was quite set on doing his job and stopped us sharing the margarita because Kat didn't have her ID, but we snuck her half of it anyway. ( photos from therrrrrreeee )

first, isn't my icon just completely utterly beyond adorable? :D :D :D

Thursday we did a nude photoshoot! I dragged several of the lamps into the bedroom and set up my tripod and made my first attempt at artistic nudes of someone else! Very exciting. I wish I had used a different backdrop, because after looking at them full-screen, I realize that that one is just wayyyyy too busy. But I still got some shots that I think are incredible. I really want to get actual lighting equipment and a studio... I'm so glad she agreed to model for me! :D Thanks Kat! ♥

( one implied nude, probably work safe )

After the shoot I went out to get my hair cut. I was all excited because I just KNEW that the cut I had in mind was going to look absolutely fantastic on me. So I went in, waited around for the lady I wanted, and then when she finally came up, I showed her what I wanted (found a pic in a book) and she palmed me off on the lady who had given me a completely shitty haircut last time. But I thought, hey, maybe I just didn't explain it well last time, and how can she go wrong with a photo of what I want right in front of her? >:-( She lopped ALL MY HAIR OFF, about 3-4 inches shorter than the photo, and brought the cowlick of doom back to life! I was so furious I couldn't speak, could hardly think. Which is why I didn't think to refuse to pay, which is what I should have done. At least I didn't tip her. I seriously think she hated me (because I made her re-cut it last time, and then made it clear that I did NOT want her this time) and gave me a bad cut on purpose. Evil, evil lady. ( a photo of the cut )

But except for the horridly stubborn cowlick (which I have to pin down because no mere glopping of gel will work), I've decided to like the cut now. The bangs at least are okay, and I like my dykey look, heh. I forgive you, evil haircutting lady. Go and commit hair-sins no more.

That night we went to the coffeehouse -- sadly there were people on my green couch (both times we went!) and so we sat in the front. I totally forget what we talked about, but I remember it was very interesting! ( coffeehouse photos )

Then Saturday we went to the Renaissance festival!!! yay! I loooooove going, I love the magical feel of it all and especially the beautiful glass exhibits ♥ I found a Ma'at figurine that was of much higher quality than any I have found, so I just had to have it for my sanctuary. I loved that stall and wish I had taken photos of the amazing goddess statues and mermaids and Egyptian figurines, all wonderful. ( Ma'at figurine photos )

We watched an acrobatic show, which was fantastic -- and I looooved watching the woman especially, she was so amazingly fit and curvy! They were quite funny and seemed to be having a blast.( RenFest acrobats! )

and I had to take a million glass photos...
( art glass is magic )

and had to also take photos of beautiful Kat! in the lovely little alleyway we found. ( pics of Kat! and my partner taking photos of Kat, and us with our faces in the painted board )


and then I found the MOST AMAZING SKIRT EVER and my partner saw the look on my face and declared that we had to buy it. :D I changed into it before the receipt even printed! I love it so so so so so so so so soooooooooooooooooooo MUCH OMG LOVE!!!!!

( pics of Kat and me in my AMAZING SKIRT!!! )

Kat gave me an AMAZING purse which is totally perfect for carrying my camera about in! It is EXACTLY the right size, EXACTLY the right shade, and it is even padded for extra protection! camera, cell, keys, and cards all fit nicely. I've never been so excited about a purse! it couldn't be more perfect if I designed it. The strap is even the perfect length! Unfortunately it doesn't photograph correctly -- it comes out as blue when it is quite violet.

And to wrap up the day, we went to my favorite mexican restaurant because after all, it was Cinco de Mayo! (as if I need an excuse to go there) Sadly, the waiter (a really great guy who often serves us) was quite set on doing his job and stopped us sharing the margarita because Kat didn't have her ID, but we snuck her half of it anyway. ( photos from therrrrrreeee )

Kat arrived right on time -- a little early, even -- despite having lost her ID a few days before! God/dess smiled on us and security didn't give her any crap about it. ;-) We took her straight to my favorite mexican restaurant, had yummy dinners, went home and to bed, and took no photos at all that night. (she was exhausted from lack of sleep and the aftermath of stress)

The next day we lounged around (I got up shamefully late) and after my partner got home we went to Redtop Mountain. (we were going to see Spiderman 3 at the IMAX, but I waited far too late to get the tickets, oh well) It was sooooo incredibly beautiful! I hadn't been in years, and didn't realize how close it is to where I live. We frolicked in a field of daisies (minus my partner), explored a small beach, saw a water moccasin!, watched Kat spin poi fantastically, and clumsily attempted spinning also. (and yes I took a vid of Kat spinning but it's not in this post, ha! :-p)



( many gorgeous photos! )

Kat arrived right on time -- a little early, even -- despite having lost her ID a few days before! God/dess smiled on us and security didn't give her any crap about it. ;-) We took her straight to my favorite mexican restaurant, had yummy dinners, went home and to bed, and took no photos at all that night. (she was exhausted from lack of sleep and the aftermath of stress)

The next day we lounged around (I got up shamefully late) and after my partner got home we went to Redtop Mountain. (we were going to see Spiderman 3 at the IMAX, but I waited far too late to get the tickets, oh well) It was sooooo incredibly beautiful! I hadn't been in years, and didn't realize how close it is to where I live. We frolicked in a field of daisies (minus my partner), explored a small beach, saw a water moccasin!, watched Kat spin poi fantastically, and clumsily attempted spinning also. (and yes I took a vid of Kat spinning but it's not in this post, ha! :-p)



( many gorgeous photos! )

( vid of me blathering! )

also YAY and very cool and many kisses to you who did your own! :D thiswaste & shalotus & aliyna & acid_burns! :D you women so ROCK!

also YAY and very cool and many kisses to you who did your own! :D thiswaste & shalotus & aliyna & acid_burns! :D you women so ROCK!

Last week my mom convinced my dad to drive down and give me the Jeep that they bought 'for me' five years ago. I'm still kinda in shock -- this is the first time in my life that my parents have come through for me in a time of need. Part of me is still waiting for them to somehow take it back... mostly I'm bewildered. I want to feel grateful, and I am grateful that my mom spoke for me and that my dad went to all the trouble to bring it down, but I'm not actually grateful for the vehicle. Maybe because they said it was mine five years ago and it didn't become fact until now? Maybe because they've never given me anything without strings attached and I am waiting to find the strings? I'm embarrassed of my apparent lack of thankfulness, but that's the way it is.

BUT I am very glad to have Arroskotos back in my life. ♥ Ze is a wonderful vehicle, and was a comfort to me during one of the hardest parts of my life. 'Arroskotos' means 'Bright Shadow,' and I named hir that because ze was an unfulfilled promise -- I had the (always chaperoned) joy of driving hir, but at the same time, the knowledge that ze wasn't truly mine. And now ze is! it's very hard for me to accept.

My dad spent the entire day with me. ( surreal )

I've gotten as shutter-happy as Hannah, practically. Nowadays when I'm going someplace, my first thought is, "hmm, what could I take photos of there?" *giggles* Which is why I need a smaller, hardier camera than Spyder, something I can slip in a very small bag with wallet and keys. (I don't actually use a purse, because I wouldn't be comfortable sticking Spyder in there anyway, and I don't need one for wallet and keys) On to the photos!



( photos of Arroskotos, Sylvia, and mr. stray cat )

tomorrow I go hang out with Kazi, Brian, and John, and
in FIVE FREAKING DAYS I get to meet kmiotutsie for the first time!!!

Last week my mom convinced my dad to drive down and give me the Jeep that they bought 'for me' five years ago. I'm still kinda in shock -- this is the first time in my life that my parents have come through for me in a time of need. Part of me is still waiting for them to somehow take it back... mostly I'm bewildered. I want to feel grateful, and I am grateful that my mom spoke for me and that my dad went to all the trouble to bring it down, but I'm not actually grateful for the vehicle. Maybe because they said it was mine five years ago and it didn't become fact until now? Maybe because they've never given me anything without strings attached and I am waiting to find the strings? I'm embarrassed of my apparent lack of thankfulness, but that's the way it is.

BUT I am very glad to have Arroskotos back in my life. ♥ Ze is a wonderful vehicle, and was a comfort to me during one of the hardest parts of my life. 'Arroskotos' means 'Bright Shadow,' and I named hir that because ze was an unfulfilled promise -- I had the (always chaperoned) joy of driving hir, but at the same time, the knowledge that ze wasn't truly mine. And now ze is! it's very hard for me to accept.

My dad spent the entire day with me. ( surreal )

I've gotten as shutter-happy as Hannah, practically. Nowadays when I'm going someplace, my first thought is, "hmm, what could I take photos of there?" *giggles* Which is why I need a smaller, hardier camera than Spyder, something I can slip in a very small bag with wallet and keys. (I don't actually use a purse, because I wouldn't be comfortable sticking Spyder in there anyway, and I don't need one for wallet and keys) On to the photos!



( photos of Arroskotos, Sylvia, and mr. stray cat )

tomorrow I go hang out with Kazi, Brian, and John, and
in FIVE FREAKING DAYS I get to meet kmiotutsie for the first time!!!

The Bad: Mom took lil sis and moved back to PA. *frustration* I could go on and on about that... :-(

The Strange: Ashley left a bag on the front door with the CDs she had borrowed (which I was glad to get back), the curvy goddess-shaped rock Hannah had given her, and the pieces of the anklet I had made her. I can understand not wanting it around and giving it back, but taking it apart first? wtf? (and it was corded so it didn't simply break) *shakes head* whatevah whatevah.

The Good! Mom loaned me some money (her pay from her part-time job, I was soooo touched) and we went ahead and got the car fixed *whew!* Now we just have to get the tag/title yearly fee taken care of and we will have a healthy, legal car for the first time in MONTHS. You've no idea how much of a relief that is. Right now we have another possibility for improving our finances, but I'm not going to get too excited until it actually happens. Also I applied at a coffeehouse down the road and I REALLY want the job. If not there of course I'll be getting a job elsewhere, but there would be just perfect. When I filled out the application they asked questions like "how much do you like to listen to other people's problems?" and "when you see a small mistake, do you feel compelled to correct it?" and judging by that and the atmosphere in the shops I've frequented, they're looking for open, friendly, relaxed people. The workers there always seem sooo relaxed and cheerful, and I'd just LOVE to be working in an environment like that, surrounded by COFFEE SMELLS. mmmmmmmmmm. And I would be so fucking PERFECT for it. After I put in the application online, I went in the next day and spoke to the manager about setting up an interview, but he hadn't looked at the applications yet. It's been a week so hopefully I'll get a call tomorrow! if not I think I'll call. I don't want to be pushy but I don't want to regret not going after it. *eeek*

also I've been in a very phototaking mood, so a giant photopost will probably come soon. I took soooooo many amazing photos of Ben, because he was in a generous mood and not camera-shy for once. But I have to convince him to let me share them *hopes* For now I'll just share a few photos of other subjects:


( mostly the incredibly green trees ♥ )

Thank you so incredibly much, everyone who has lovingly commented/prayed/sent positive energy/thoughts ♥ ♥ ♥ Thank you so so much. You help more than I can ever express or even understand.

also, AMAZING news: FIREKAT IS COMING TO VISIT MEEEEEEEE!!!!! She bought the tickets and I'm going to see her face to face for the first time on May 2nd!!! OMFG!!!

The Bad: Mom took lil sis and moved back to PA. *frustration* I could go on and on about that... :-(

The Strange: Ashley left a bag on the front door with the CDs she had borrowed (which I was glad to get back), the curvy goddess-shaped rock Hannah had given her, and the pieces of the anklet I had made her. I can understand not wanting it around and giving it back, but taking it apart first? wtf? (and it was corded so it didn't simply break) *shakes head* whatevah whatevah.

The Good! Mom loaned me some money (her pay from her part-time job, I was soooo touched) and we went ahead and got the car fixed *whew!* Now we just have to get the tag/title yearly fee taken care of and we will have a healthy, legal car for the first time in MONTHS. You've no idea how much of a relief that is. Right now we have another possibility for improving our finances, but I'm not going to get too excited until it actually happens. Also I applied at a coffeehouse down the road and I REALLY want the job. If not there of course I'll be getting a job elsewhere, but there would be just perfect. When I filled out the application they asked questions like "how much do you like to listen to other people's problems?" and "when you see a small mistake, do you feel compelled to correct it?" and judging by that and the atmosphere in the shops I've frequented, they're looking for open, friendly, relaxed people. The workers there always seem sooo relaxed and cheerful, and I'd just LOVE to be working in an environment like that, surrounded by COFFEE SMELLS. mmmmmmmmmm. And I would be so fucking PERFECT for it. After I put in the application online, I went in the next day and spoke to the manager about setting up an interview, but he hadn't looked at the applications yet. It's been a week so hopefully I'll get a call tomorrow! if not I think I'll call. I don't want to be pushy but I don't want to regret not going after it. *eeek*

also I've been in a very phototaking mood, so a giant photopost will probably come soon. I took soooooo many amazing photos of Ben, because he was in a generous mood and not camera-shy for once. But I have to convince him to let me share them *hopes* For now I'll just share a few photos of other subjects:


( mostly the incredibly green trees ♥ )

Thank you so incredibly much, everyone who has lovingly commented/prayed/sent positive energy/thoughts ♥ ♥ ♥ Thank you so so much. You help more than I can ever express or even understand.

also, AMAZING news: FIREKAT IS COMING TO VISIT MEEEEEEEE!!!!! She bought the tickets and I'm going to see her face to face for the first time on May 2nd!!! OMFG!!!

Happy Birthday kmiotutsie!!!

You are such an amazing friend and I feel so incredibly lucky to have you in my life! ♥ Thank you for being there for me, and most of all thank you for being your fantastic self -- creative, positive, openminded and adaptive. You inspire me and teach me in ways that no one else can. I love you Firekat!

Happy Birthday kmiotutsie!!!

You are such an amazing friend and I feel so incredibly lucky to have you in my life! ♥ Thank you for being there for me, and most of all thank you for being your fantastic self -- creative, positive, openminded and adaptive. You inspire me and teach me in ways that no one else can. I love you Firekat!

A few weeks ago I rearranged our bedroom, turning it from a place I hated to a place I love! Ben is much happier too -- now it feels like we have two rooms instead of only the living room. I created a photo-tour of my bedroom, because a video would require clothing due to the mirrors. And this is easier!

( photo-tour of my bedroom )

And now I shriek with joy because OMG PRESENTS!!!! From Kate (clown_frog) and Firekat (kmiotutsie)!!! Kate sent me a glitter bar (YAY!!!! glitter-wearing is so magical ♥), giant purple bath-fizzy ball, HENNA kit (can't wait to try it!), a bunch of stick-on wooden ladybugs (ladybugs always remind me of my childhood, I remember seeing a family of them in the bark of a tree and being absolutely delighted), cinnamon votives (that REALLY SMELL LIKE CINNAMON OMG, and strong too!!! I am going to use them in my sanctuary ♥ ♥ ♥), and best of all, a clear violet glass perfume vial. It is so incredibly delicate and wonder-of-all-wonders, made it here perfectly intact! All the way from Scotland! And that is magic from God/dess if I have ever seen it.

( the delicate violet-tinted vial! )

And from Firekat!!! A Mercedes Lackey book (a staple of fantasy reading, whom I've never tried!), Inga Muscio's Cunt (borrowed and read most of it, now yay I can finish it! plus who wouldn't want Cunt on her shelf?), a GORGEOUS mini-journal with handmade paper and a vivid-violet & burgandy cover, three lovely deep purple agate slices, and... a violet and emerald translucent glass gazing ball!!! also completely undamaged! I am soooooo loved!!! Firekat said she prayed that it would get here safely, and it's perfect. ♥ I'm awed!

( the violet & emerald glass ball! )

A few weeks ago I rearranged our bedroom, turning it from a place I hated to a place I love! Ben is much happier too -- now it feels like we have two rooms instead of only the living room. I created a photo-tour of my bedroom, because a video would require clothing due to the mirrors. And this is easier!

( photo-tour of my bedroom )

And now I shriek with joy because OMG PRESENTS!!!! From Kate (clown_frog) and Firekat (kmiotutsie)!!! Kate sent me a glitter bar (YAY!!!! glitter-wearing is so magical ♥), giant purple bath-fizzy ball, HENNA kit (can't wait to try it!), a bunch of stick-on wooden ladybugs (ladybugs always remind me of my childhood, I remember seeing a family of them in the bark of a tree and being absolutely delighted), cinnamon votives (that REALLY SMELL LIKE CINNAMON OMG, and strong too!!! I am going to use them in my sanctuary ♥ ♥ ♥), and best of all, a clear violet glass perfume vial. It is so incredibly delicate and wonder-of-all-wonders, made it here perfectly intact! All the way from Scotland! And that is magic from God/dess if I have ever seen it.

( the delicate violet-tinted vial! )

And from Firekat!!! A Mercedes Lackey book (a staple of fantasy reading, whom I've never tried!), Inga Muscio's Cunt (borrowed and read most of it, now yay I can finish it! plus who wouldn't want Cunt on her shelf?), a GORGEOUS mini-journal with handmade paper and a vivid-violet & burgandy cover, three lovely deep purple agate slices, and... a violet and emerald translucent glass gazing ball!!! also completely undamaged! I am soooooo loved!!! Firekat said she prayed that it would get here safely, and it's perfect. ♥ I'm awed!

( the violet & emerald glass ball! )

I don't do 'resolutions.' That's just a fancy word for 'rules' and I'm not into imposing rules on myself. I think the reason so many 'resolutions' fail is that it is human nature to hate being boxed in with rules, self-imposed or not.

but goals? hell yeah I have goals. Things I want to do this year:

• become more of my true self
  
• learn more love and compassion
  
• grow closer to God/dess ♥
  
• learn to listen to my spirit and FOLLOW MY INSTINCTS!!!
  
• further develop my soulfriendships with Nimajneb and Hannah
  
• be more active in changing the world: leave 'you are beautiful' notes, smile more at people, strike up conversation with more strangers, flaunt my body hair, wear curvy-pride shirts and figure-hugging outfits.
  
• create more; making jewelry, painting, drawing, modeling, photographing (! and add a deliberate 'flaw' to remind me that 'flaws' are beautiful!)
  
• post WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT, without worrying that I am going to flood my friends page and my favorite post of the bunch will be ignored. I know that isn't true, and if it is, it's not a good enough reason.
  
• spend more time and effort communicating with my lovely friends; commenting back, commenting on their posts, IMing, and calling. Not any ritual amount, but following instincts instead of being so O-C about doing it 'in order.'
  
• go to Glasgow and meet clown_frog and maybe shalotus! and of course spend a lot of delighted time with my beautiful soulfriend shmee_!!!
  
• have shmee_ and die_fiend come down, hopefully during RenFest season!!! and hopefully have my firekat (kmiotutsie) come down too! *dreams* This must happen. *is firm with the universe, shakes finger for emphasis*
  
• spend more time with sabr and malignlibra
  
• meet more of my lj friends! there are a ton I want to meet, we'll see who I actually manage to make plans with. ;-) at the very least, I must meet kmiotutsie and sunshinepill.
  
• find at least a handful of new amazing people to mutually adore. (and hopefully some who are Aquarius!)
  
• set firm plans for International Women's Day next year (post to come about that!)
  
• dance more, maybe start taking bellydancing classes again.
  
• get at least one tattoo!
  
• find more of my meaningful rings.
  
• dye my hair purple, like I have ALWAYS WANTED.
  
• help my little sister get the courage to do what she needs to do.
  
• tell my parents I'm 'bisexual' and be officially disowned (after I figure out whether or not they will keep me from talking to little sis, she is more important than me getting the satisfaction of never having to talk to my dad again)
  
• go skinnydipping at least once!
  
• go to at least one concert!
  
• have at least three photoshoots.
  
• do at least three self-portrait shoots (hopefully a lot more, but I gotta get some better lighting)
  
• Self-educate: read 88 books this year; keep a running list of them, and post an update every eight books, with a SHORT summary.

  0 / 88 (0.0%)

I don't do 'resolutions.' That's just a fancy word for 'rules' and I'm not into imposing rules on myself. I think the reason so many 'resolutions' fail is that it is human nature to hate being boxed in with rules, self-imposed or not.

but goals? hell yeah I have goals. Things I want to do this year:

• become more of my true self
  
• learn more love and compassion
  
• grow closer to God/dess ♥
  
• learn to listen to my spirit and FOLLOW MY INSTINCTS!!!
  
• further develop my soulfriendships with Nimajneb and Hannah
  
• be more active in changing the world: leave 'you are beautiful' notes, smile more at people, strike up conversation with more strangers, flaunt my body hair, wear curvy-pride shirts and figure-hugging outfits.
  
• create more; making jewelry, painting, drawing, modeling, photographing (! and add a deliberate 'flaw' to remind me that 'flaws' are beautiful!)
  
• post WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT, without worrying that I am going to flood my friends page and my favorite post of the bunch will be ignored. I know that isn't true, and if it is, it's not a good enough reason.
  
• spend more time and effort communicating with my lovely friends; commenting back, commenting on their posts, IMing, and calling. Not any ritual amount, but following instincts instead of being so O-C about doing it 'in order.'
  
• go to Glasgow and meet clown_frog and maybe shalotus! and of course spend a lot of delighted time with my beautiful soulfriend shmee_!!!
  
• have shmee_ and die_fiend come down, hopefully during RenFest season!!! and hopefully have my firekat (kmiotutsie) come down too! *dreams* This must happen. *is firm with the universe, shakes finger for emphasis*
  
• spend more time with sabr and malignlibra
  
• meet more of my lj friends! there are a ton I want to meet, we'll see who I actually manage to make plans with. ;-) at the very least, I must meet kmiotutsie and sunshinepill.
  
• find at least a handful of new amazing people to mutually adore. (and hopefully some who are Aquarius!)
  
• set firm plans for International Women's Day next year (post to come about that!)
  
• dance more, maybe start taking bellydancing classes again.
  
• get at least one tattoo!
  
• find more of my meaningful rings.
  
• dye my hair purple, like I have ALWAYS WANTED.
  
• help my little sister get the courage to do what she needs to do.
  
• tell my parents I'm 'bisexual' and be officially disowned (after I figure out whether or not they will keep me from talking to little sis, she is more important than me getting the satisfaction of never having to talk to my dad again)
  
• go skinnydipping at least once!
  
• go to at least one concert!
  
• have at least three photoshoots.
  
• do at least three self-portrait shoots (hopefully a lot more, but I gotta get some better lighting)
  
• Self-educate: read 88 books this year; keep a running list of them, and post an update every eight books, with a SHORT summary.

  0 / 88 (0.0%)

Wild Woman by Willow Arlenea

My totem animal, the dragonfly, lives as a nymph for a while, shedding her skin many times to emerge as a more developed creature, and only with the final shedding does she have wings. I feel that I have metamorphosed several times this year, and with this last shedding of my skin I have realized that I now have wings! I have reached completeness, developed all that I need to fly. I will continue growing in a new way, learning to use what I have. This is exciting and scary because there is no more waiting around to be ready; I have arrived.

( important events in 2006 )

I feel like some of my metamorphoses have been inner and chosen, but the majority of them were external. My ties with this area have been severed again and again: Rebecca moved, my church wounded me and I haven't really attempted to fix it, Allison cut ties with me, my mimosa tree died, Kristen and I both changed and now we strongly differ on important issues, and Ashley broke up with me. I still love the land with all my heart -- Georgia is in my blood and always will be -- but I have no place that really feels mine since my mimosa died. Emerald is still there but the crook of her trunk is not enough space for me to take root. I feel that I am being prepared for a new way of life, perhaps a move. I welcome it with open arms! and pray that it will be near to one of the glorious friends who fill my life with light. ♥...Said The Sun to the Shine by Earthsuit...
Said the Sun to the Shine
Come shadow, what you find?
Said the Sun to the Shine
You and I forever bind

Wild Woman by Willow Arlenea

My totem animal, the dragonfly, lives as a nymph for a while, shedding her skin many times to emerge as a more developed creature, and only with the final shedding does she have wings. I feel that I have metamorphosed several times this year, and with this last shedding of my skin I have realized that I now have wings! I have reached completeness, developed all that I need to fly. I will continue growing in a new way, learning to use what I have. This is exciting and scary because there is no more waiting around to be ready; I have arrived.

( important events in 2006 )

I feel like some of my metamorphoses have been inner and chosen, but the majority of them were external. My ties with this area have been severed again and again: Rebecca moved, my church wounded me and I haven't really attempted to fix it, Allison cut ties with me, my mimosa tree died, Kristen and I both changed and now we strongly differ on important issues, and Ashley broke up with me. I still love the land with all my heart -- Georgia is in my blood and always will be -- but I have no place that really feels mine since my mimosa died. Emerald is still there but the crook of her trunk is not enough space for me to take root. I feel that I am being prepared for a new way of life, perhaps a move. I welcome it with open arms! and pray that it will be near to one of the glorious friends who fill my life with light. ♥...Said The Sun to the Shine by Earthsuit...
Said the Sun to the Shine
Come shadow, what you find?
Said the Sun to the Shine
You and I forever bind

A few days ago I also got a chance to talk to my kit-kat (kmiotutsie) for the first time on the phone! that was pretty incredible, especially since I was feeling SO terrible and she's got this matter-of-fact way of validating my feelings. I probably was barely coherent, I was so crushed and confused at that point... but she didn't get impatient with me and seemed to understand and even relate to a lot of it. She's so fabulous. We talked for over an hour! Which is unusual for me on the phone (gtalk is different) -- I usually get impatient, I don't like having my hands tied up holding the phone. But it was just so good to be able to pour out my heart to someone. And she has the most wonderful voice! like a perfect balance between deep and light, it suits her SO perfectly.

and then Friday night I had a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong conversation with shmee_ -- over 8 hours! I'm pretty sure that is the longest phone conversation I've ever had -- thank God/dess for gtalk making it free! Afterwards I felt so much lighter and more free, inspired and more able to believe in the beauty of life. One of the things we like to do while talking is surf devArt and send links to each other of what we find inspiring, and talk back and forth about what appeals to us about a piece. It's soooo fun to me, because when it comes to art, we speak exactly the same dialect. I feel like I appreciate a work more when I can articulate it, and it's only fun to articulate it to someone who understands. ♥ (If you have an account, be sure to check out my favorites because they're incredible!) We also talked a lot about our experiences together when she was here, and fiiiiiiiiiiinally processed it a little bit. I think that's part of why I feel so relieved -- I had some things floating in my subconscious and I needed to talk to her to really understand them. I told her that talking to her always lifted my spirits, even if she was in low spirits herself, and she asked why, which made me think. I realized that some people drain me, and some energize me, just by how they align (or disalign) with my being. With Hannah, our spirits are so alike that we reflect each other's energy, and it seems to just bounce back and forth between us and get magnified.

also talked to kate (clown_frog)! for the first time also, on gtalk! That was fantastic too -- I've 'known' her for over 2 years now and we've had lots of conversation, but never in real time. Next time I hope we can talk out loud, I'm so curious as to what she sounds like! It was lovely to connect in a new way.

and I've been talking to 'kenzie (sunshinepill) a lot! Which is also great because she had some insights to share with me that were really comforting, and she's just a fun person to talk to. Talking about culture, relationships, sexuality -- all fascinating to me.

If you have google talk, gimmie your screenname since I have apparently come out of my non-IMing shell. ;-) I dislike all the other messengers though.

A few days ago I also got a chance to talk to my kit-kat (kmiotutsie) for the first time on the phone! that was pretty incredible, especially since I was feeling SO terrible and she's got this matter-of-fact way of validating my feelings. I probably was barely coherent, I was so crushed and confused at that point... but she didn't get impatient with me and seemed to understand and even relate to a lot of it. She's so fabulous. We talked for over an hour! Which is unusual for me on the phone (gtalk is different) -- I usually get impatient, I don't like having my hands tied up holding the phone. But it was just so good to be able to pour out my heart to someone. And she has the most wonderful voice! like a perfect balance between deep and light, it suits her SO perfectly.

and then Friday night I had a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong conversation with shmee_ -- over 8 hours! I'm pretty sure that is the longest phone conversation I've ever had -- thank God/dess for gtalk making it free! Afterwards I felt so much lighter and more free, inspired and more able to believe in the beauty of life. One of the things we like to do while talking is surf devArt and send links to each other of what we find inspiring, and talk back and forth about what appeals to us about a piece. It's soooo fun to me, because when it comes to art, we speak exactly the same dialect. I feel like I appreciate a work more when I can articulate it, and it's only fun to articulate it to someone who understands. ♥ (If you have an account, be sure to check out my favorites because they're incredible!) We also talked a lot about our experiences together when she was here, and fiiiiiiiiiiinally processed it a little bit. I think that's part of why I feel so relieved -- I had some things floating in my subconscious and I needed to talk to her to really understand them. I told her that talking to her always lifted my spirits, even if she was in low spirits herself, and she asked why, which made me think. I realized that some people drain me, and some energize me, just by how they align (or disalign) with my being. With Hannah, our spirits are so alike that we reflect each other's energy, and it seems to just bounce back and forth between us and get magnified.

also talked to kate (clown_frog)! for the first time also, on gtalk! That was fantastic too -- I've 'known' her for over 2 years now and we've had lots of conversation, but never in real time. Next time I hope we can talk out loud, I'm so curious as to what she sounds like! It was lovely to connect in a new way.

and I've been talking to 'kenzie (sunshinepill) a lot! Which is also great because she had some insights to share with me that were really comforting, and she's just a fun person to talk to. Talking about culture, relationships, sexuality -- all fascinating to me.

If you have google talk, gimmie your screenname since I have apparently come out of my non-IMing shell. ;-) I dislike all the other messengers though.

( icons for Kat and Nisha and Hannah and musicwench! )

How is it that all of my friends are so darn gorgeous??? (and their cats too, heh) By the way, I LOVE it when people use icons of themselves, and I love making the icons! So if you have a photo of yourself that you want made into an icon, feel free to comment it.

( icons for Kat and Nisha and Hannah and musicwench! )

How is it that all of my friends are so darn gorgeous??? (and their cats too, heh) By the way, I LOVE it when people use icons of themselves, and I love making the icons! So if you have a photo of yourself that you want made into an icon, feel free to comment it.

I decided, to hell with a collage, I'll just attach them straight to the wall. This way I can add more without having to wait to get them all before I display them.


This is the area right above my beading table in the living room, to remind me of all of my wonderful wonderful friends! That fabulous dreamcatcher was made for me and given to me by eternitywaiting, the gorgeous purple glass droplet was a gift from kmiotutsie, and that japanese windchime was a gift from Hasumi, who isn't on LJ as far as I know but is a fabulous person.

( a closeup of the cards )

The postcards!!! are from, in the order I recieved them (as close as I can remember): ohsaycanyousay, kmiotutsie (I'm counting the first card), eternitywaiting, lorelei_sakti, maladroitkat, bluebl00d, valynn, camilleyun, kevloid, and acid_burns. In case you are wondering who is the smartass who lives on Venus (no it isn't kevloid, as you might expect), that would be acid_burns. I laughed so much when I looked at the front of the card (which was after I had read the back, of course)! Nea, you are so adorable! and I love how you decorated it, so sweet! I was so happy. But the damn post office damaged the card. :-(

Actually, I got kevloid and acid_burns cards on the same day, as well as a letter from boobiequeen, and when I saw them I shrieked, "I'm RICH!!!" Seriously, I felt like the most loved person ever.

And camilleyun, you are just astoundingly awesome. ♥ I would say more, but sadly I have the card taped to the wall and I don't want to peel it off to re-read it! *giggle* So anyway thank you for the postcard -- I love how it symbolizes your two homes. And thank you for the Christmas card! I loved it too, all purple and artistic. ;-D

And I still have four postcards that need to get sent, so rest assured that I may be a procrastinator, but you are not forgotten!

I decided, to hell with a collage, I'll just attach them straight to the wall. This way I can add more without having to wait to get them all before I display them.


This is the area right above my beading table in the living room, to remind me of all of my wonderful wonderful friends! That fabulous dreamcatcher was made for me and given to me by eternitywaiting, the gorgeous purple glass droplet was a gift from kmiotutsie, and that japanese windchime was a gift from Hasumi, who isn't on LJ as far as I know but is a fabulous person.

( a closeup of the cards )

The postcards!!! are from, in the order I recieved them (as close as I can remember): ohsaycanyousay, kmiotutsie (I'm counting the first card), eternitywaiting, lorelei_sakti, maladroitkat, bluebl00d, valynn, camilleyun, kevloid, and acid_burns. In case you are wondering who is the smartass who lives on Venus (no it isn't kevloid, as you might expect), that would be acid_burns. I laughed so much when I looked at the front of the card (which was after I had read the back, of course)! Nea, you are so adorable! and I love how you decorated it, so sweet! I was so happy. But the damn post office damaged the card. :-(

Actually, I got kevloid and acid_burns cards on the same day, as well as a letter from boobiequeen, and when I saw them I shrieked, "I'm RICH!!!" Seriously, I felt like the most loved person ever.

And camilleyun, you are just astoundingly awesome. ♥ I would say more, but sadly I have the card taped to the wall and I don't want to peel it off to re-read it! *giggle* So anyway thank you for the postcard -- I love how it symbolizes your two homes. And thank you for the Christmas card! I loved it too, all purple and artistic. ;-D

And I still have four postcards that need to get sent, so rest assured that I may be a procrastinator, but you are not forgotten!