Content note: general discussion of abuse, social fall-out from talking about abuse, and rape (no specifics)

Most of the caring people I have known rely on the same tool to manage any conflict: compassionate conversation. This is a fantastic tool for many interpersonal conflicts, and it can be life-alteringly good if you had previously only experienced antagonistic or competitive conflict.

However that tool is not a simple one and it simply will not run without all parties contributing respect, a willingness to be wrong, ability and willingness to put in effort, and a desire to create an outcome that is positive for everyone.

I recently got to listen to someone speak about restorative justice, as a concept opposed to punitive justice. I absolutely believe that punishment does nothing good, and that most harm can be best addressed with a focus on healing and providing solutions to the problems that created problematic behavior in the first place. I think there are too many times when we rush to discard a person rather than coming together as a community and explaining the harm they caused and guiding the person to safer behavior.

However, when we discussed it, all the solutions that were mentioned relied on the person who caused harm being willing to acknowledge that harm and work on a solution that would reduce future harm to the victim.

Unfortunately there are many cases where the person who caused harm does not care about the victim, or doesn't care enough to admit to fault or change their behavior. In these cases, a restorative justice approach will often result in further harm to the victim, because rather than doing the work, the abuser will lash out at the victim. They will call this person a liar, and often make up offenses to try and paint themselves as the victim. This happens so often that it has a name: D A R V O: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.

Which brings me to another practice in social justice which can be skewed to cause harm: believing all victims without checking for truth. I am NOT suggesting that we EVER dismiss a claim out of hand. However, we need to do more than zero checking because if we don't, abusers get to control every situation. All they have to do is make up some shit about actually, they hit that person because the other one hit them first, etc.

When I say check, I don't mean for forensic evidence. I mean, talk to all parties who witnessed it and ask them to tell their version of the story. Then make your own decision about who is dangerous and who is not.

I once was told that a friend of mine, Cliff*, had raped someone. I was not at the place where this happened and I didn't know the victim, but a mutual friend, Mac*, told me (with permission) that this had happened because I had invited Cliff to a cuddle party, where consent is extra important. I was horrified that my friend Cliff might have done this but I also know that consent mistakes exist, and I hoped that there was some kind of explanation or at least remorse and reform.

So I reached out to Cliff and said hey, I have heard about a consent violation you did, can you explain please? Cliff then explained sort of vaguely and made it sound as if something relatively innocuous was all that had happened, and asked what exactly I had heard. I got permission from the victim via Mac and quoted the thing that the victim said that Cliff did (unambiguous rape), and Cliff did not deny it, but asked to move our talk to in person or via phone. I can't hear on the phone and I didn't have the gas money and time to drive to them so I said no.

I asked them to explain themselves further and they didn't -- they just stopped responding. (it didn't occur to me until later that they probably reacted this way to protect themselves legally) From this interaction I decided that Cliff was not a safe person and that it was likely that they did commit rape and then try to pass it off as something else when I confronted them. I waited several months, still hoping they would follow-up and have something worthwhile to say but they did not, so I unfriended them. Later I learned that they were not informing their sex partners about an STD they had, which I believed partly because they now have a history of consent violations.

Which brings me to my suggested community solution, which is listening to all stories and checking to get as much information as possible, then taking protective action if necessary. Whenever there is abuse, it almost always has happened to more than one person. In my opinion, patterns are the best evidence of someone being an abuser, but you can't notice these patterns without checking. And of course, in the meantime ask what you can do to support the person who has told you that they suffered abuse, and do what you can.

Then, when someone has been confirmed as an unrepentant, unchanged abuser, they should be removed from the social circle of the victim if that is what the victim wants. People don't have to stop interacting with the abuser entirely, but any gathering of the victim's social circle should not include them. This is not a punishment, but a protective measure to prevent the victim from being harmed further, and to protect others in the community.

What happens more often is ostracization of the victims, where people other than the abuser are continuously cut out of the social circle because it has become traumatic for them. Abusers should not get safety at the expense of their victims. We have to make a choice to remove the abusers so that we don't remove the victims by default.

*(these names are fake)

( TW/CN: Aziz Ansari's sexually coercive behavior )

Also highly relevant to this discussion:

the feigning ignorance consent violation tactic: if they care, they change their behavior. TW: rape

Why making it safe & comfortable to say 'no' is as necessary as respecting a plainly-stated 'no'

1. being triggered is literal torture, not mere dislike or discomfort.
   
2. your thoughts can get stuck in loops that take outside intervention to fix.
   
3. pressuring someone into a sensory experience (taste touch smell sound sight) may force people to relive trauma. don't.
   
4. The wrong therapist is a waste of time and it will wear you down trying to get help from them. if you don't click, move on as quickly as you can.
   
5. it can look like laziness when people are literally doing their best because people have different amounts of energy.
   
6. falling in love or experiencing lots of joy doesn't cure chemical depression. Not even if it is literally the best thing you have ever experienced.
   
7. after a depression crisis is over, the recovery starts, but it can be long.
   
8. survival stress is cumulative and causes depression. If someone is scrambling to survive, expecting them to be reliable and present at any given point is unrealistic and sometimes cruel.

Anika prompted me to share my experience with mental illness and how it has influenced [my] life or personality.

I don't know exactly when I first became depressed but it developed between age 8 and 12, and by the time I was 13 I was praying almost all day every day for God to kill me. I didn't feel like I had the right to end my life or I would have. It eased up somewhat when I finally got my first real friend at 13, but it was still a fairly constant state for me until after I got out of my parents' house, got married, and went through 2 years of therapy for the sexual abuse I experienced as a child.


--- trigger: fear of unknown men, panic ---
During that 2 years, I was deeply afraid of all male strangers. When the apartment sent men around with leaf-blowers, I hid in the bedroom to put 2 doors between us. I held the axe and my breath and waited until I couldn't hear them any more. I knew, logically, that these people were unlikely to attack me. But logic didn't enter into it because I was in a state of triggered panic. I use the word triggered only very deliberately. Each time I knew men were within 10 feet of my doors or windows I was in a state of utter unthinking panic until they left. Heart pounding panic like you might feel if a bear is that close and staring right at you and growling. I couldn't go out alone. For months even going to the mailbox was too terrifying. (when I finally did go that 200 feet alone, I felt so proud of myself!).
--- end TW about terror of unknown men ---



--- trigger: penetrative sex causing flashback-like thoughts ---
The worst part was the triggers that would happen every time I had sex, starting with the first time I tried to have consensual penetrative sex. My body reacted by closing up. It felt horrible and I felt so guilty for not being able to do it, but I literally could not, no matter how much I wanted to! It got worse from there -- I started having horrible intrusive visions of children being violated whenever I would try to have sex that involved penetration. It was extremely difficult to think of sex as anything other than a source of pain, shame, loneliness, terror, and guilt. And I was so disappointed because with my conscious self, I wanted it! but my subconscious was much stronger.
--- end TW about penetrative sex ---


Relatedly, memories attach to weird things so don't ever insist that someone watch, listen to, smell, or taste things! because maybe that makes them feel a violation again in their mind, and they shouldn't have to tell you about it to get you to stop. Sometimes mental avoidance is an absolutely necessary coping strategy and if someone has to tell you "that makes me remember [traumatic event]" then you may be breaking their ability to stay out of a horrible loop of trauma replay.

The fear and intrusive thoughts were my main issue in that period of mental illness, but the amount of work I had to do on those things was so much that it made me feel hopeless. I felt like I would never get better. I wondered why bother living if every future day was going to involve reliving the worst feelings I had ever experienced. I kept going because I had a supportive partner who treated my healing as an important contribution he was making to the world.

Then about a year in, after three failed therapists and one therapist retiring, I found a therapist that I actually clicked with: one who had experienced worse trauma than I had and was now so free of triggers that they could sit next to their abuser without fear. The fact that they had healed that much made me feel that surely I could too, but it still was a long journey with a lot of pain in it.

Eventually we worked through a lot of previous traumas and I started to feel less scared and I was able to control my thoughts again. I started to feel normal, back to my old self. I still was sensitive to certain words, and movies with realistic (true to the experience of a victim, not glamorized rape myths) sexual abuse or rape would trigger me and make it so that my mind was trapped in a loop feeling that experience over and over, but those instances happened less and less often. I was able to go back to work. I was able to interact with strangers and go places by myself. I was able to perform the minimum required, like I had been before I started therapy.


Then there came a day when I suddenly realized that doing things didn't feel like slogging through cold mud. I even had energy to spare! I could be cheerful in the face of grumpiness! I could be social with strangers for hours and still do stuff when I got home - LOTS of stuff! I suddenly realized that I had never been lazy -- it was actually that I had lacked the energy to do more. All my energy had been going to running coping programs for the abuse that I endured.

When I didn't need to spend energy coping because I had processed enough of it, all that energy welled up and sprang out of me. I was so magical, so loving, so creative. I was outgoing, as I always knew my true self was. I felt able. I was not-depressed from 2006 to 2010, then had 8 months of depression, then was not-depressed again from mid-2011 to mid-2012. I was so, so active and productive in those 6 years, to the point that it boggles my mind now.


So through all that I learned that sometimes a thing you think everyone can do is literally impossible for some people, and that when people say they can't, it's not just an irresponsible way of saying "won't." If you can understand only one thing about mental illness, I want you to understand that you can't tell WHY someone can't do a thing and there isn't always external proof. You just have to trust them.

Later, I went into depression again because I spent more energy than I had, day after day, without getting nourished. It sounds like nothing, but I was more depressed from that than I was about the abuse, because with the abuse at least I got a clear path to healing, I got reassurance that healing was possible, and all kind people were supportive. Even kind people are generally not supportive of healing from depression that has "no real reason" and the acceptable "real" reasons are very limited. The attitude is "get over it already."

Not long after I realized the cause of that depression, I fixed the cause and began the most nourishing and healing connection of my life -- the thing I had always yearned for since I was small. Even though I had this new source of brilliant joy, I couldn't really feel it because the pain had worn such a rut in my brain that I couldn't get out. I could not access the happiness I knew my experiences should be giving me.


Every day I thought surely this is the worst it can get -- and then the next day was worse. It was so bad that I could not access any feelings except despair; I could not even care about the suffering of others, which has always been one of my primary motivations. When I thought about injustice and suffering and had no emotional response, I felt I had died inside and was no longer a person.


Finally I got desperate enough to go to the clinic and get medicine, which formed a protective layer over the bottom of the rut and allowed me to slowly heal, layer by layer, until the rut was gone. But then the protective layer kept me from feeling things deeply which started to make me feel like life was pointless, so I weaned myself off against medical advice. I know my own brain and I knew I no longer needed it because it had started to cause me harm rather than good.

That experience taught me that even with a perfect situation, even in a time that should be your happiest, if the chemicals in your brain are messed up you are not going to be able to be happy. The chemistry of your brain is stronger than the strongest will. Just like you can't will yourself out of mono, you can't will yourself out of depression.

Even though the crisis-level depression was over after 8 months of medication, the depression was not gone. It's like after a long illness when it finally breaks -- the healing is not done because the sickness is over, because your body has to recover from the battle. My mind had to recover, and that process was slowed by the constant and massive amount of energy I had to put into surviving because my job didn't pay enough for me to live on. For a while that process was not just slowed but reversed by the exhaustion of scraping a survival on what I could beg from my biofamily while I tried to convince employers that I was a valuable person and they should hire me and pay me a living wage.


When your ability to feed and shelter yourself is in constant doubt, there is no rest from the emotional and mental drain. Even when you are not actively worrying, it takes so much energy to keep it out of your conscious mind. Daily survival stress is cumulative and from myself and others I have seen, it always creates depression. Extra energy exists in a world of unicorns and dragons, and to think that you can have it while fighting to survive is a laugh.

A year ago I finally found a job that is perfect for me and pays me a living wage. Since then I have begun healing again, very slowly. I have only just now started feeling like I can actually count on this job, despite always doing my best and often getting appreciative comments from coworkers. I have only in the past few months started feeling like I can count on being able to stay in the place where I live.


I also have SAD (seasonal affective depression) but I have mostly learned how to cope with this so that it doesn't affect me too much. The most important part is that I have to get enough sleep on a fairly regular sleep schedule, and I HAVE to get up at LEAST three hours before dark. I have to get outside every day even if it's just 5 min, even if there is no sun. I need to drink lots of hot drinks (coffee, hot chocolate, tea) and try to stay as warm as possible. I need to eat regularly. I need to use my sunlight lamp as close to daily as I can manage.

Since making that series of posts about my desire for tribe last week, I've felt a powerful shift. Zawn, Kei-Won-Tia, Anika, Kylei, Topaz, and Heather all expressed to me that they want that too and are willing and desirous of putting forth the effort to create it!!! And Heather and Camellia and Kei-Won-Tia and Zawn all suggested plans to hang out with me! I feel like it's coming into possibility much more quickly than I thought would ever happen. I already feel stronger bonds with all of them just because of the intentionality. I feel kinda holding-my-breath but so happy and hopeful. And Anika has been talking about the possibility of moving here (in a very ?MAYBE? kind of way, but still!). I just feel such intense love for these people being willing to intentionally build with me and those I love.

I spent time with Zawn on Tuesday and it was so awesome! We talked in a constant flow and the time zoomed by. It sorta boggles my mind that we've lived this close and been LJ friends for this long and only met this year. We have a lot of similar passions and have self-educated in similar ways. I feel especially excited about Zawn and Topaz getting to know each other because I feel like they have similar minds and - ways of moving in the world? I don't know how to put it.

I've been thinking a lot about child sexual abuse lately. I feel like an expert on the subject because I've experienced it and seen it all around me and read so much on it. I feel like I have a deeply intuitive understanding of it. But I get very nervous talking about it because people have intensely hostile reactions to it and also it can be a huge trigger. I don't know that I have actually written about my experiences here. When I was first starting to process it I was really afraid that pedos would come read my experiences and get off on it, so I either locked things or didn't share them here. That idea still bothers me but I don't want to let the fear stop me. I think I'm going to write more about it. But the biggest thing I want to write is going to take some buildup of guts first.

I got my new garden started today which was a huge relief. I'm only about half done, but it's the most difficult half. I hope to finish on Friday. I was really afraid that I was going to let my plants die out of sheer procrastination, but my inability to function seems to mostly have passed? I keep sleeping SO LONG every day that I don't have plans in the morning though (10-12 hours). But the dreams I'm having feel like important processing and I actually woke up from one of them feeling deeply encouraged. I feel a bit baffled on why I need so much dreaming right now, because in waking life I don't feel a strong need to process. Maybe it's a backlog from not having enough dreams all through April.

It's been ages since I wrote -- partly from busyness and partly because I was so freaking stressed about financial stuff that I could not spend time in reflective mindspace or I'd fixate on it. My financial aid finally came in this week (two and a half weeks into the semester, having no books) so I have a little room to breathe. and so much has been going on, argh, I'm frustrated that I haven't written.

Things are SO busy, I've scheduled weekly dates -- one with Kyle and one with Abby -- and I've started seeing Arizona again. When we broke up in November, it was mostly because at that point Arizona intended to stay at Serendipity for the rest of zir life, and wanted to be with someone who could become part of that family too. I couldn't do that and Arizona couldn't help hoping for it and it was making us both sad. But now zir life has taken a different turn, ze's making new roots with a new lover that ze's very serious with, and there are possibilities between us again. And it's pretty amazing -- I don't feel like the sad parts or separation damaged our connection at all; it feels even stronger than before. I think we're both much more 'ourselves' than we were when last we were together and when we touch and make eye contact I feel like a plant soaking up the sun. It's just so purely nourishing. Although I realized recently that the breakup was much harder for Arizona than for me, because I always thought that we'd get back together in a year or two, but ze thought we were over forever. I think one of the lessons I am most grateful for learning/believing is that if you have a true connection, and you leave space open for it, it will always come back (even though you can't predict when). When I lost Hannah the first time I thought I was going to die, and losing Aurilion the first time crushed me too -- but after a time, we reconnected. These things are too real to die (I think sometimes they might hibernate until the next lifetime, but they're eternal).

Classes are 3/4ths pretty cool, and 1/4th INFURIATING. ( ignorance and prejudice are ESPECIALLY INEXCUSABLE if people are trusting you to teach them )

My biosib S was in town last week and I went to dinner with zir and my bioparent M. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was surprised. The evening ended up being S and I talking about real things, much to M's consternation (ze shook zir head and pursed zir lips and drew zir eyebrows but mostly stayed out of it). S asked who I was dating and I answered, which sparked a whole conversation about polyamory and queerness. The poly was a short conversation but the queerness conversation went on for a while -- S asked how it fit with my [religion/beliefs (can't remember the word ze used)] and I said, "ummm, it just fits? that's a vague question." Then ze tried to come up with a better question and I said that I understood that the church has an anti-homosexuality doctrine, but it's based on a handful of verses taken out of context and misinterpreted. M tried to challenge me and then got a bit intimidated because I clearly know those verses better than ze does. Then someone mentioned Sodom and I said that the sexual sin of Sodom was rape, and to claim otherwise is to say rape isn't that big of a deal. Which somehow got us on the topic of marital rape, and I tried to explain consent and coercion to S, which I think mostly went over zir head, but I think some of it got through. And M said that it wasn't rape unless it was forced and I corrected that lie (sternly). I was a little drunk by that point because S bought me a margarita and it was REALLY strong. But I was pretty happy that I didn't back down or even feel like backing down and it was actually kind of a relief to be able to confront those ideas directly with people I don't think will get it. With people whom I perceive as actually WANTING to understand ask, I speak so carefully, trying to say just the right thing. I think it's counterproductive sometimes, but I feel responsible. I think it might be better if I could stop worrying whether or not an individual is "won to the cause," and just say "that's ignorant and prejudiced, and here's why." I think the overcaution is the equivalent of trying to save people -- I need to stop thinking that I have the power to change people's minds, and just be naked and blunt and if they seem open, THEN speak carefully. I need to try for people who actually care instead of trying for everyone. Throw seeds everywhere, but only water the ones that sprout.

Anyway I ended up being impressed by how S listened, and decided that I wanted to try to have a friendship with zir. Amusingly, this is an attitude I developed from being poly. I learned that I could still find value in relationships that were the emotional equivalent of candy, because it wasn't that or nothing. I can have candy AND food that will actually nourish and satisfy me. I don't think I will ever be super close with S, but I think that ze can be a good way for me to learn communications that I won't otherwise learn, and I think I can help zir learn about people who are different from zir.

It's been ages since I wrote -- partly from busyness and partly because I was so freaking stressed about financial stuff that I could not spend time in reflective mindspace or I'd fixate on it. My financial aid finally came in this week (two and a half weeks into the semester, having no books) so I have a little room to breathe. and so much has been going on, argh, I'm frustrated that I haven't written.

Things are SO busy, I've scheduled weekly dates -- one with Kyle and one with Abby -- and I've started seeing Arizona again. When we broke up in November, it was mostly because at that point Arizona intended to stay at Serendipity for the rest of zir life, and wanted to be with someone who could become part of that family too. I couldn't do that and Arizona couldn't help hoping for it and it was making us both sad. But now zir life has taken a different turn, ze's making new roots with a new lover that ze's very serious with, and there are possibilities between us again. And it's pretty amazing -- I don't feel like the sad parts or separation damaged our connection at all; it feels even stronger than before. I think we're both much more 'ourselves' than we were when last we were together and when we touch and make eye contact I feel like a plant soaking up the sun. It's just so purely nourishing. Although I realized recently that the breakup was much harder for Arizona than for me, because I always thought that we'd get back together in a year or two, but ze thought we were over forever. I think one of the lessons I am most grateful for learning/believing is that if you have a true connection, and you leave space open for it, it will always come back (even though you can't predict when). When I lost Hannah the first time I thought I was going to die, and losing Aurilion the first time crushed me too -- but after a time, we reconnected. These things are too real to die (I think sometimes they might hibernate until the next lifetime, but they're eternal).

Classes are 3/4ths pretty cool, and 1/4th INFURIATING. ( ignorance and prejudice are ESPECIALLY INEXCUSABLE if people are trusting you to teach them )

My biosib S was in town last week and I went to dinner with zir and my bioparent M. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was surprised. The evening ended up being S and I talking about real things, much to M's consternation (ze shook zir head and pursed zir lips and drew zir eyebrows but mostly stayed out of it). S asked who I was dating and I answered, which sparked a whole conversation about polyamory and queerness. The poly was a short conversation but the queerness conversation went on for a while -- S asked how it fit with my [religion/beliefs (can't remember the word ze used)] and I said, "ummm, it just fits? that's a vague question." Then ze tried to come up with a better question and I said that I understood that the church has an anti-homosexuality doctrine, but it's based on a handful of verses taken out of context and misinterpreted. M tried to challenge me and then got a bit intimidated because I clearly know those verses better than ze does. Then someone mentioned Sodom and I said that the sexual sin of Sodom was rape, and to claim otherwise is to say rape isn't that big of a deal. Which somehow got us on the topic of marital rape, and I tried to explain consent and coercion to S, which I think mostly went over zir head, but I think some of it got through. And M said that it wasn't rape unless it was forced and I corrected that lie (sternly). I was a little drunk by that point because S bought me a margarita and it was REALLY strong. But I was pretty happy that I didn't back down or even feel like backing down and it was actually kind of a relief to be able to confront those ideas directly with people I don't think will get it. With people whom I perceive as actually WANTING to understand ask, I speak so carefully, trying to say just the right thing. I think it's counterproductive sometimes, but I feel responsible. I think it might be better if I could stop worrying whether or not an individual is "won to the cause," and just say "that's ignorant and prejudiced, and here's why." I think the overcaution is the equivalent of trying to save people -- I need to stop thinking that I have the power to change people's minds, and just be naked and blunt and if they seem open, THEN speak carefully. I need to try for people who actually care instead of trying for everyone. Throw seeds everywhere, but only water the ones that sprout.

Anyway I ended up being impressed by how S listened, and decided that I wanted to try to have a friendship with zir. Amusingly, this is an attitude I developed from being poly. I learned that I could still find value in relationships that were the emotional equivalent of candy, because it wasn't that or nothing. I can have candy AND food that will actually nourish and satisfy me. I don't think I will ever be super close with S, but I think that ze can be a good way for me to learn communications that I won't otherwise learn, and I think I can help zir learn about people who are different from zir.

I decided to finally make a new post on this subject, as the old one was written long ago:

Rape is not material for jokes, irony, or metaphor. ( possibly triggering; nothing detailed, but I expound on the damage caused and speak of a triggering experience )

I refuse to be friends with someone who may use sexually violent language in a casual manner. ( If you want to be free to use it or if you think I am taking this too seriously, please unfriend me now. )

I decided to finally make a new post on this subject, as the old one was written long ago:

Rape is not material for jokes, irony, or metaphor. ( possibly triggering; nothing detailed, but I expound on the damage caused and speak of a triggering experience )

I refuse to be friends with someone who may use sexually violent language in a casual manner. ( If you want to be free to use it or if you think I am taking this too seriously, please unfriend me now. )

I decided to finally make a new post on this subject, as the old one was written long ago:

Rape is not material for jokes, irony, or metaphor. ( possibly triggering; nothing detailed, but I expound on the damage caused and speak of a triggering experience )

I refuse to be friends with someone who may use sexually violent language in a casual manner. ( If you want to be free to use it or if you think I am taking this too seriously, please unfriend me now. )

Bugs, snakes, and rodents don't usually bother me (though a certain bug grosses me out to the point of nausea, and I have a violent hatred of roaches); I've always liked bats; heights are a little scary but nowhere near terrifying; storms are exciting and invigorating; closed-in spaces are cozy; airplanes, tunnels, and bridges are fun; I love crowds; and speaking in public is something I've daydreamed about since I was a kid. I don't have what Forbes.com calls the most common fears, but I'm not fearless.

I have a fear that many people experience but few ever talk about. I fear rape.

( possibly triggering: not graphic, but sensitive )

I combat this fear by reminding myself that I have healed so much, and that others can heal too; that the wounds can be turned to scars and stop hurting. I focus on sending out love so that I can help stop the cycle of hurt people hurting other people, and I do what I can to increase awareness and eradicate apathy. I concentrate on my belief we all chose to come to this life, chose to go through suffering and destruction so that we could grow. Most of all, I remember that even though the rest of us can be wounded or even destroyed, the spirit is eternally incorruptible; it can be hidden away or silenced, but it cannot be harmed. The truest part of us is unbreakable.

LJ idol topic 2: "What terrifies me." ((please vote for me here!))

Bugs, snakes, and rodents don't usually bother me (though a certain bug grosses me out to the point of nausea, and I have a violent hatred of roaches); I've always liked bats; heights are a little scary but nowhere near terrifying; storms are exciting and invigorating; closed-in spaces are cozy; airplanes, tunnels, and bridges are fun; I love crowds; and speaking in public is something I've daydreamed about since I was a kid. I don't have what Forbes.com calls the most common fears, but I'm not fearless.

I have a fear that many people experience but few ever talk about. I fear rape.

( possibly triggering: not graphic, but sensitive )

I combat this fear by reminding myself that I have healed so much, and that others can heal too; that the wounds can be turned to scars and stop hurting. I focus on sending out love so that I can help stop the cycle of hurt people hurting other people, and I do what I can to increase awareness and eradicate apathy. I concentrate on my belief we all chose to come to this life, chose to go through suffering and destruction so that we could grow. Most of all, I remember that even though the rest of us can be wounded or even destroyed, the spirit is eternally incorruptible; it can be hidden away or silenced, but it cannot be harmed. The truest part of us is unbreakable.

LJ idol topic 2: "What terrifies me." ((please vote for me here!))

Bugs, snakes, and rodents don't usually bother me (though a certain bug grosses me out to the point of nausea, and I have a violent hatred of roaches); I've always liked bats; heights are a little scary but nowhere near terrifying; storms are exciting and invigorating; closed-in spaces are cozy; airplanes, tunnels, and bridges are fun; I love crowds; and speaking in public is something I've daydreamed about since I was a kid. I don't have what Forbes.com calls the most common fears, but I'm not fearless.

I have a fear that many people experience but few ever talk about. I fear rape.

( possibly triggering: not graphic, but sensitive )

I combat this fear by reminding myself that I have healed so much, and that others can heal too; that the wounds can be turned to scars and stop hurting. I focus on sending out love so that I can help stop the cycle of hurt people hurting other people, and I do what I can to increase awareness and eradicate apathy. I concentrate on my belief we all chose to come to this life, chose to go through suffering and destruction so that we could grow. Most of all, I remember that even though the rest of us can be wounded or even destroyed, the spirit is eternally incorruptible; it can be hidden away or silenced, but it cannot be harmed. The truest part of us is unbreakable.

LJ idol topic 2: "What terrifies me." ((please vote for me here!))

argh! I've gotten blocked, I strongly dislike when this happens. I have such a flood of new thoughts/feelings that I am trying to sort and express, and I took too long of a break from the expressing part and now it has all built up and bottlenecked. *growl* I've stopped reading my current nonfiction because it inspires too many MORE new thoughts! *deep breath* I suppose I'll dump a bunch of random stuff in this post and then I can get on with it all.

Private Practice ANNOYS ME with its rampant sexism and dull, unsympathetic characters. ( possible spoilers and anti-sexism ranting: on the FALSE concept of 'withholding' sex, the false concept that penis-in-vagina sex is the only 'legitimate' sex, the false concept that lack of sex is a good reason to dump a partner, and the idea that only women and children are susceptible to manipulation )

bah, this was supposed to be a post of bunches of stuff, but it is too long already. Anyway, I think I'll give Private Practice one more try and if it doesn't dump the sexism and get more interesting, I'm not watching, not even for Addison.

argh! I've gotten blocked, I strongly dislike when this happens. I have such a flood of new thoughts/feelings that I am trying to sort and express, and I took too long of a break from the expressing part and now it has all built up and bottlenecked. *growl* I've stopped reading my current nonfiction because it inspires too many MORE new thoughts! *deep breath* I suppose I'll dump a bunch of random stuff in this post and then I can get on with it all.

Private Practice ANNOYS ME with its rampant sexism and dull, unsympathetic characters. ( possible spoilers and anti-sexism ranting: on the FALSE concept of 'withholding' sex, the false concept that penis-in-vagina sex is the only 'legitimate' sex, the false concept that lack of sex is a good reason to dump a partner, and the idea that only women and children are susceptible to manipulation )

bah, this was supposed to be a post of bunches of stuff, but it is too long already. Anyway, I think I'll give Private Practice one more try and if it doesn't dump the sexism and get more interesting, I'm not watching, not even for Addison.

argh! I've gotten blocked, I strongly dislike when this happens. I have such a flood of new thoughts/feelings that I am trying to sort and express, and I took too long of a break from the expressing part and now it has all built up and bottlenecked. *growl* I've stopped reading my current nonfiction because it inspires too many MORE new thoughts! *deep breath* I suppose I'll dump a bunch of random stuff in this post and then I can get on with it all.

Private Practice ANNOYS ME with its rampant sexism and dull, unsympathetic characters. ( possible spoilers and anti-sexism ranting: on the FALSE concept of 'withholding' sex, the false concept that penis-in-vagina sex is the only 'legitimate' sex, the false concept that lack of sex is a good reason to dump a partner, and the idea that only women and children are susceptible to manipulation )

bah, this was supposed to be a post of bunches of stuff, but it is too long already. Anyway, I think I'll give Private Practice one more try and if it doesn't dump the sexism and get more interesting, I'm not watching, not even for Addison.

apologies for the comment-disabling; I hate to do it but it's necessary this time. This is an extremely sensitive topic for me and last time I posted about it the disagreements put me in a serious depression and I'm fairly depressed right now anyway, so I just can't handle it. If you agree and want to talk more about it, feel free to email me. If you disagree, please keep it to yourself. If you think you can't keep your opposing viewpoint to yourself, do not click the cut.

( possibly triggering )

This has been constantly bothering me lately. How can I live in a world where this horrible evil is considered okay even by kind, intelligent people?

apologies for the comment-disabling; I hate to do it but it's necessary this time. This is an extremely sensitive topic for me and last time I posted about it the disagreements put me in a serious depression and I'm fairly depressed right now anyway, so I just can't handle it. If you agree and want to talk more about it, feel free to email me. If you disagree, please keep it to yourself. If you think you can't keep your opposing viewpoint to yourself, do not click the cut.

( possibly triggering )

This has been constantly bothering me lately. How can I live in a world where this horrible evil is considered okay even by kind, intelligent people?

apologies for the comment-disabling; I hate to do it but it's necessary this time. This is an extremely sensitive topic for me and last time I posted about it the disagreements put me in a serious depression and I'm fairly depressed right now anyway, so I just can't handle it. If you agree and want to talk more about it, feel free to email me. If you disagree, please keep it to yourself. If you think you can't keep your opposing viewpoint to yourself, do not click the cut.

( possibly triggering )

This has been constantly bothering me lately. How can I live in a world where this horrible evil is considered okay even by kind, intelligent people?

I've posted this twice before, I think... now it has altered slightly, and it seems like a good time to repost.

open-mindedness is NOT:
----having no opinions of your own but agreeing with everyone else's
----agreeing with whatever is most liberal at the time
----having liberal or unpopular opinions which you do not permit to change
----allowing your opinions to be swayed once in a blue moon
----forming opinions based on one point of view
----having no guidelines for what you wish to saturate your mind with

openmindedness IS:
forming opinions based on a fair assessment of several differing points of view -- and then allowing your opinions to change upon learning new, convincing information.

Thus, to be openminded you MUST:
----be willing to research several differing points of view before forming an opinion
----be willing to have an unpopular opinion
----be willing to alter your perception of reality
----believe that what is true for yourself may not be true for others

(based on these principles, this list will be altered as I think on it more. Feel free to share your own ideas)

( I have been accused of being closed-minded for not wanting to read the book 'Lolita'... )

We are all responsible for what we allow to influence us; for that reason, I do not saturate my mind with just anything.

I've posted this twice before, I think... now it has altered slightly, and it seems like a good time to repost.

open-mindedness is NOT:
----having no opinions of your own but agreeing with everyone else's
----agreeing with whatever is most liberal at the time
----having liberal or unpopular opinions which you do not permit to change
----allowing your opinions to be swayed once in a blue moon
----forming opinions based on one point of view
----having no guidelines for what you wish to saturate your mind with

openmindedness IS:
forming opinions based on a fair assessment of several differing points of view -- and then allowing your opinions to change upon learning new, convincing information.

Thus, to be openminded you MUST:
----be willing to research several differing points of view before forming an opinion
----be willing to have an unpopular opinion
----be willing to alter your perception of reality
----believe that what is true for yourself may not be true for others

(based on these principles, this list will be altered as I think on it more. Feel free to share your own ideas)

( I have been accused of being closed-minded for not wanting to read the book 'Lolita'... )

We are all responsible for what we allow to influence us; for that reason, I do not saturate my mind with just anything.

I've posted this twice before, I think... now it has altered slightly, and it seems like a good time to repost.

open-mindedness is NOT:
----having no opinions of your own but agreeing with everyone else's
----agreeing with whatever is most liberal at the time
----having liberal or unpopular opinions which you do not permit to change
----allowing your opinions to be swayed once in a blue moon
----forming opinions based on one point of view
----having no guidelines for what you wish to saturate your mind with

openmindedness IS:
forming opinions based on a fair assessment of several differing points of view -- and then allowing your opinions to change upon learning new, convincing information.

Thus, to be openminded you MUST:
----be willing to research several differing points of view before forming an opinion
----be willing to have an unpopular opinion
----be willing to alter your perception of reality
----believe that what is true for yourself may not be true for others

(based on these principles, this list will be altered as I think on it more. Feel free to share your own ideas)

( I have been accused of being closed-minded for not wanting to read the book 'Lolita'... )

We are all responsible for what we allow to influence us; for that reason, I do not saturate my mind with just anything.

I was triggered twice by just reading my friends page today... once when I followed a link to a jokes community and some asshole posted a 'joke' implying rape of a child, and the other by the word 'rape' used metaphorically.

I feel rather helpless about it now, and I'm chickening out by posting instead of commenting, but... I recently got a somewhat defensive reaction when I tried to talk about it, so... I'm doing it this way.

Rape is not 'joke' material. It's not even 'writing effect' material. Rape is the worst thing one human can do to another. It's not okay, in my opinion, to refer to 'rape' in any manner other than with great awareness of the horror and the tragedy that it encompasses. I think to do so is to trivialize the suffering of victims and to encourage the acceptance of the act, no matter how subtly.

To quote something I said recently...

"This is awkward to word because I don't want to sound like I'm trying to control what you write, not at all, and I don't want to offend. I have a problem with the word 'rape' being used lightly. I've been raped, and it is devastating -- it crumbles your whole world. For me, even the word hits me like a slap in the face (and I know it does for many other survivors too). Sooooo, I'm going out on a limb here and explaining this because I like you and I want to explain how I feel... and how possibly other girls feel and don't express. 1 in every 3 girls (the most recent study shows 38%) has been sexually abused in some way -- they just don't talk about it because there's a lot of shame attached.

I know you didn't mean it negatively, and I know that word doesn't hold the same impact for everyone that it does for me. It's just somewhat triggering to read, so I was hoping that (selfish as it may be of me to hope) you might avoid using the word casually in your journal in the future."

And I want to thank the few of you that have been so thoughtful and compassionate when I expressed these feelings to you, and have taken them to heart. Really, it meant a lot to me. It still means a lot.

-------

since I wrote this a few years ago, my susceptibility to being triggered has changed. I no longer feel the same horrible flashbacks -- but I do still find the casual, 'ironic' use of the word upsetting and offensive. Rape is the worst thing that a person can experience, and minor upsets like buying something that is overpriced or losing a game are absolutely nothing like it. If someone was describing an actual violation, an actual stripping of one's basic rights, then it would be an apt descriptive term, and while it would still bother me, I would see nothing wrong with it.

I feel that casual use of the word rape (or molest, used in a sexual connotation such as 'so-n-so is molestable') makes it more acceptable to joke about the actual act, which in turn makes the actual act seem less horrific and annihilating, more acceptable. I understand that not all people would agree with that, but it is something I feel very strongly about. I believe words have power, and how we use them affects the world around us. I believe our culture is growing more and more tacitly approving of sexual violation, and it bothers me extremely whenever I see it.

This is a set boundary for me, so I will not keep someone on my friends list after knowing that ze may use sexually violent language in a casual manner. To people I don't care about, I simply unfriend with no explanation when I see this, because it's never a nice conversation. If I pointed you to this post in response to you doing so, it means I care about you and want to give you the opportunity to reconsider your use of the word. I want to allow you to choose between losing the use of word in that way or losing me.

I was triggered twice by just reading my friends page today... once when I followed a link to a jokes community and some asshole posted a 'joke' implying rape of a child, and the other by the word 'rape' used metaphorically.

I feel rather helpless about it now, and I'm chickening out by posting instead of commenting, but... I recently got a somewhat defensive reaction when I tried to talk about it, so... I'm doing it this way.

Rape is not 'joke' material. It's not even 'writing effect' material. Rape is the worst thing one human can do to another. It's not okay, in my opinion, to refer to 'rape' in any manner other than with great awareness of the horror and the tragedy that it encompasses. I think to do so is to trivialize the suffering of victims and to encourage the acceptance of the act, no matter how subtly.

To quote something I said recently...

"This is awkward to word because I don't want to sound like I'm trying to control what you write, not at all, and I don't want to offend. I have a problem with the word 'rape' being used lightly. I've been raped, and it is devastating -- it crumbles your whole world. For me, even the word hits me like a slap in the face (and I know it does for many other survivors too). Sooooo, I'm going out on a limb here and explaining this because I like you and I want to explain how I feel... and how possibly other girls feel and don't express. 1 in every 3 girls (the most recent study shows 38%) has been sexually abused in some way -- they just don't talk about it because there's a lot of shame attached.

I know you didn't mean it negatively, and I know that word doesn't hold the same impact for everyone that it does for me. It's just somewhat triggering to read, so I was hoping that (selfish as it may be of me to hope) you might avoid using the word casually in your journal in the future."

And I want to thank the few of you that have been so thoughtful and compassionate when I expressed these feelings to you, and have taken them to heart. Really, it meant a lot to me. It still means a lot.

-------

since I wrote this a few years ago, my susceptibility to being triggered has changed. I no longer feel the same horrible flashbacks -- but I do still find the casual, 'ironic' use of the word upsetting and offensive. Rape is the worst thing that a person can experience, and minor upsets like buying something that is overpriced or losing a game are absolutely nothing like it. If someone was describing an actual violation, an actual stripping of one's basic rights, then it would be an apt descriptive term, and while it would still bother me, I would see nothing wrong with it.

I feel that casual use of the word rape (or molest, used in a sexual connotation such as 'so-n-so is molestable') makes it more acceptable to joke about the actual act, which in turn makes the actual act seem less horrific and annihilating, more acceptable. I understand that not all people would agree with that, but it is something I feel very strongly about. I believe words have power, and how we use them affects the world around us. I believe our culture is growing more and more tacitly approving of sexual violation, and it bothers me extremely whenever I see it.

This is a set boundary for me, so I will not keep someone on my friends list after knowing that ze may use sexually violent language in a casual manner. To people I don't care about, I simply unfriend with no explanation when I see this, because it's never a nice conversation. If I pointed you to this post in response to you doing so, it means I care about you and want to give you the opportunity to reconsider your use of the word. I want to allow you to choose between losing the use of word in that way or losing me.

I was triggered twice by just reading my friends page today... once when I followed a link to a jokes community and some asshole posted a 'joke' implying rape of a child, and the other by the word 'rape' used metaphorically.

I feel rather helpless about it now, and I'm chickening out by posting instead of commenting, but... I recently got a somewhat defensive reaction when I tried to talk about it, so... I'm doing it this way.

Rape is not 'joke' material. It's not even 'writing effect' material. Rape is the worst thing one human can do to another. It's not okay, in my opinion, to refer to 'rape' in any manner other than with great awareness of the horror and the tragedy that it encompasses. I think to do so is to trivialize the suffering of victims and to encourage the acceptance of the act, no matter how subtly.

To quote something I said recently...

"This is awkward to word because I don't want to sound like I'm trying to control what you write, not at all, and I don't want to offend. I have a problem with the word 'rape' being used lightly. I've been raped, and it is devastating -- it crumbles your whole world. For me, even the word hits me like a slap in the face (and I know it does for many other survivors too). Sooooo, I'm going out on a limb here and explaining this because I like you and I want to explain how I feel... and how possibly other girls feel and don't express. 1 in every 3 girls (the most recent study shows 38%) has been sexually abused in some way -- they just don't talk about it because there's a lot of shame attached.

I know you didn't mean it negatively, and I know that word doesn't hold the same impact for everyone that it does for me. It's just somewhat triggering to read, so I was hoping that (selfish as it may be of me to hope) you might avoid using the word casually in your journal in the future."

And I want to thank the few of you that have been so thoughtful and compassionate when I expressed these feelings to you, and have taken them to heart. Really, it meant a lot to me. It still means a lot.

-------

since I wrote this a few years ago, my susceptibility to being triggered has changed. I no longer feel the same horrible flashbacks -- but I do still find the casual, 'ironic' use of the word upsetting and offensive. Rape is the worst thing that a person can experience, and minor upsets like buying something that is overpriced or losing a game are absolutely nothing like it. If someone was describing an actual violation, an actual stripping of one's basic rights, then it would be an apt descriptive term, and while it would still bother me, I would see nothing wrong with it.

I feel that casual use of the word rape (or molest, used in a sexual connotation such as 'so-n-so is molestable') makes it more acceptable to joke about the actual act, which in turn makes the actual act seem less horrific and annihilating, more acceptable. I understand that not all people would agree with that, but it is something I feel very strongly about. I believe words have power, and how we use them affects the world around us. I believe our culture is growing more and more tacitly approving of sexual violation, and it bothers me extremely whenever I see it.

This is a set boundary for me, so I will not keep someone on my friends list after knowing that ze may use sexually violent language in a casual manner. To people I don't care about, I simply unfriend with no explanation when I see this, because it's never a nice conversation. If I pointed you to this post in response to you doing so, it means I care about you and want to give you the opportunity to reconsider your use of the word. I want to allow you to choose between losing the use of word in that way or losing me.

I picked up a Tanith Lee book, The Storm King, and started reading -- then started skimming, because in the first chapter a woman is raped by two different men, then goes on to be raped durning her pregnancy while the queen is trying to poison her, then the queen gets raped and compliments the man raping her.

This made me so furious I ripped the book in half, and kept ripping until each page was in at least six pieces. Who the fuck do you think you are?

To all the aspiring writers reading this: Yes, rape happens, and therefore some novels should, realistically speaking, contain rape. However, it should not be described in detail -- this is glorifying the basest and most demonic of acts and is disgusting and reprehensible. Anyone who does make a scene out of a rape, this is what I have to say to you: You are perilously close to being as evil as a rapist. And who the fuck do you think you are? If you have not been a victim, you do not have the right to open your mouth on the subject. There is no "poetic license" here. Don't do it.

I'm really disappointed, 'cause Tanith is such a phenominally skilled writer that I'm sorry I can't read everything she's written, but I can see that I'm going to have to research her books before buying them. Or waste money destroying books. I would have burnt the damned thing but had nowhere to burn it.

---------

And it made me all kinds of fucked up last night -- I couldn't even have sex.

I picked up a Tanith Lee book, The Storm King, and started reading -- then started skimming, because in the first chapter a woman is raped by two different men, then goes on to be raped durning her pregnancy while the queen is trying to poison her, then the queen gets raped and compliments the man raping her.

This made me so furious I ripped the book in half, and kept ripping until each page was in at least six pieces. Who the fuck do you think you are?

To all the aspiring writers reading this: Yes, rape happens, and therefore some novels should, realistically speaking, contain rape. However, it should not be described in detail -- this is glorifying the basest and most demonic of acts and is disgusting and reprehensible. Anyone who does make a scene out of a rape, this is what I have to say to you: You are perilously close to being as evil as a rapist. And who the fuck do you think you are? If you have not been a victim, you do not have the right to open your mouth on the subject. There is no "poetic license" here. Don't do it.

I'm really disappointed, 'cause Tanith is such a phenominally skilled writer that I'm sorry I can't read everything she's written, but I can see that I'm going to have to research her books before buying them. Or waste money destroying books. I would have burnt the damned thing but had nowhere to burn it.

---------

And it made me all kinds of fucked up last night -- I couldn't even have sex.

I picked up a Tanith Lee book, The Storm King, and started reading -- then started skimming, because in the first chapter a woman is raped by two different men, then goes on to be raped durning her pregnancy while the queen is trying to poison her, then the queen gets raped and compliments the man raping her.

This made me so furious I ripped the book in half, and kept ripping until each page was in at least six pieces. Who the fuck do you think you are?

To all the aspiring writers reading this: Yes, rape happens, and therefore some novels should, realistically speaking, contain rape. However, it should not be described in detail -- this is glorifying the basest and most demonic of acts and is disgusting and reprehensible. Anyone who does make a scene out of a rape, this is what I have to say to you: You are perilously close to being as evil as a rapist. And who the fuck do you think you are? If you have not been a victim, you do not have the right to open your mouth on the subject. There is no "poetic license" here. Don't do it.

I'm really disappointed, 'cause Tanith is such a phenominally skilled writer that I'm sorry I can't read everything she's written, but I can see that I'm going to have to research her books before buying them. Or waste money destroying books. I would have burnt the damned thing but had nowhere to burn it.

---------

And it made me all kinds of fucked up last night -- I couldn't even have sex.