The other day I was waiting in line at a store when a stranger attempted to strike up a conversation with me:

Stranger, abruptly: "what does the button on your purse mean?"
Me: "oh, it is a symbol for trans pride*"
Kindly stranger, smiling: "oh cool, my daughter is trans!"
Me: *smiles awkwardly*
Kindly stranger: "that's really cool, I like that."
Me: *smiles wider and nods* "thank you" *hastily buries self in phone*

I wanted to say more. The stranger had two elementary-age kids with them and I felt glad that the kids could be themselves. Wish I could have thought faster and said something meaningful like, "thank you for being an accepting parent. It makes a world of difference." But in that moment, it was all I could do to engage as much as I did.

There was a time about a decade ago when I would have responded by making eye contact, asking questions, and offering resources including my contact information. I would have been thinking about what that trans kid might need and what the parent might not have access to. I would have felt in my element and found the conversation easy.

But now, what I felt was just extreme overwhelm, as if lights were flashing and sirens were going off and I was being pulled in one direction and pushed in another. Part of it was from standing with my back to most of the store, part of it was feeling stressed about being next in line and not wanting to annoy the cashier, part was the overhead noise, and part was a piece of me saying "wow you have zero self-preservation instincts -- what if they hated trans people" and then the other part of me arguing back.

I feel such a sense of loss at current me's feckless response to this opportunity to offer potentially life-saving resources to a trans kid. I was just so thrown by how unexpected it was that in such a sensory-overload environment, I couldn't even process what was happening. I replied on auto-pilot and had to delay my emotional and mental response to the meaning of what the person was saying in order to simply absorb the literal words. I didn't make a conscious choice to say either of the two things I said -- they just popped out.

I couldn't really cope in the moment with an unexpected, completely novel experience in a loud, busy environment. But now that I have had that experience, I will be prepared for it to happen again. I will make up a sheet of local resources and try to let that be my touchstone and conversational foundation if someone says "my [friend/relative] is trans." I can ask how plugged in they are to the community and if they would like some resources. I can hope that something like this happens again and when it does, that I can be effective and useful in my response.

*it is actually a symbol for a gender and sexuality minorities conference which no longer seems to exist, but I used a shorthand without thinking

I keep thinking about the ways that stranger kindness and friendliness is reserved for those who are:

1) white,
2) "pretty" and/or "well dressed"
3) thinner than average (which is a size 14 btw), and
4) read as gender-conforming.

Recently I was in a coffeeshop and the barista didn't look at me when taking my order and said as few words as possible to me. Then someone that was all four of those things came up to the register and the barista turned on the charm like a light switch.

I am ALWAYS friendly to service workers because I know how shitty it is to have to perform for people who don't return any of that energy. So I try to bring some and give some. I always smile, I always tip, I always give them my full attention. So I know it wasn't a reaction to me. Especially because the next person was mostly talking to their friend.

I don't think the barista had anything against me -- I think I just didn't register as a real person because I am fat, dress weird, and have a very assertive way of carrying myself (not gender-conforming).

For me the biggest change in how strangers treat me happened when I shaved my head. All of a sudden, when I smiled at white strangers they did NOT smile back. I never got casual smiles from white strangers of any age or gender when my hair was very short. (However, black women strangers smiled at me and even complimented my haircut on multiple occasions.)

I still am not sure why a buzz cut would have this much effect on how people treat me, but it really made me think about how much more effort it is to be in public when people look at you with a blank face, or stare. Every single time that happens it sucks away some energy.

And I think about this whenever I see children of color. I notice when older white people smile at young white children and look away or even frown at young children of color just for existing. I don't usually smile at strangers but if a child of color looks at me in a friendly or curious way I do smile. I don't want to be a dead staring face that saps some of their energy.

( deliriously happy time ♥ )

Polyamory is so amazing, and so utterly perfect for me -- something I'm realizing viscerally for the first time because I'm only involved with poly people right now, so there's not that hesitation/worry that was in the back of my mind when I was with my ex-partner. To feel this with Ben AND what I feel for Viv at the same time? To follow my heart unquestioningly? it's just... wow. I'm all aglow, I'm so gloriously happy, I'm so exactly where I'm meant to be. Wow.

( deliriously happy time ♥ )

Polyamory is so amazing, and so utterly perfect for me -- something I'm realizing viscerally for the first time because I'm only involved with poly people right now, so there's not that hesitation/worry that was in the back of my mind when I was with my ex-partner. To feel this with Ben AND what I feel for Viv at the same time? To follow my heart unquestioningly? it's just... wow. I'm all aglow, I'm so gloriously happy, I'm so exactly where I'm meant to be. Wow.

So, for the past few years, I've spent a good chunk of summer in high-speed growth -- when Hannah visited or when I visited Hannah. This year that wasn't to be, and I wondered what it would be like to have a summer unmarked by such a time; I still won't know, because these past few weeks have been just as high-speed. I've been running headlong and just barely pulling my feet up fast enough not to fall on my face.

There's just so much that has happened that I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll try and put things in order and then go back and explain bits: ( boring list, just for my own reference )

So, first of all, I'm used to going out three or MAYBE four times a week. I'm pretty much 50/50 introvert/extrovert, and I need my alone time as much as I need my time with others. ( ... )

Also, looking back over this, a lot of the things I've done would have absolutely TERRIFIED the me of three months ago. I'm kinda amazed at myself. I fucking DANCED IN PUBLIC (which I've done before, but not WITH someone, which is a lot scarier to me). I got drunk! I went to a leather bar! I drove in Atlanta quite a few times! I hung out with people who seem intimidatingly cool, and (mostly) wasn't intimidated (heh). I know these things are probably not scary to most people but they certainly were to me. I think there is something behind that (besides the whole recovering-from-social-anxiety thing) -- they're things that I've always thought of as stuff that the 'cool' people do (referring to social status) and I expect rejection because I'm not one of that group. And I stress myself out because I feel like I have to pretend to be something that I'm not. But I think when I'm with Viv it's easier, because ze doesn't ever pretend, ze just is, so I feel like I have permission to be my uncool self even in a 'cool' setting. I kinda hope that the day comes where I am comfortable enough to be publicly uncool all by myself. I'm not there yet but I feel like this is movement towards it, because I'm losing my fear of people-I-admire. (I've never cared about the opinion of most people, but if I admire someone a lot I get painfully self-conscious and sometimes even self-loathing if I can't tell what they think of me)

And you know, I think that I've had these taboos against doing things which I labeled as 'cool.' Some people won't leave the house without being smartly dressed and groomed because to do so would be a violation of their self-image as a person who is always put-together. I've felt that way about doing things like going to clubs/bars/parties and/or drinking because my self-image is a person who Does Not Fit in those places and also Does Not Act Stupid. And I think it's fine to avoid those things if I genuinely don't enjoy them, but to avoid them out of a taboo is limiting. And I do enjoy them, to an extent. When I got drunk, I felt stupid but I also felt expansive and connected. I can feel those things without drinking, of course, but it's interesting to feel them among others who maybe don't have another way of feeling expansive and connected. I think that was what I enjoyed most about the experience, actually -- the sort of breaking down of boundaries among strangers, which I've only felt before at Christian festivals/retreats. I hadn't imagined that there could be something transcendent about getting a little drunk and dancing with strangers, but it felt that way to me, somewhat. It was lovely to feel openness and connectedness among people whom I'd usually feel vast worlds apart from.

( two affirming experiences in one night! )

( Other Lives & Bat For Lashes in concert )

I still have a lot to write about -- developments in my relationships with Viv, lil sis, Ash, B, and eviltwin, but since that will probably be as long as what I've already written I'll break it into another post.

So, for the past few years, I've spent a good chunk of summer in high-speed growth -- when Hannah visited or when I visited Hannah. This year that wasn't to be, and I wondered what it would be like to have a summer unmarked by such a time; I still won't know, because these past few weeks have been just as high-speed. I've been running headlong and just barely pulling my feet up fast enough not to fall on my face.

There's just so much that has happened that I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll try and put things in order and then go back and explain bits: ( boring list, just for my own reference )

So, first of all, I'm used to going out three or MAYBE four times a week. I'm pretty much 50/50 introvert/extrovert, and I need my alone time as much as I need my time with others. ( ... )

Also, looking back over this, a lot of the things I've done would have absolutely TERRIFIED the me of three months ago. I'm kinda amazed at myself. I fucking DANCED IN PUBLIC (which I've done before, but not WITH someone, which is a lot scarier to me). I got drunk! I went to a leather bar! I drove in Atlanta quite a few times! I hung out with people who seem intimidatingly cool, and (mostly) wasn't intimidated (heh). I know these things are probably not scary to most people but they certainly were to me. I think there is something behind that (besides the whole recovering-from-social-anxiety thing) -- they're things that I've always thought of as stuff that the 'cool' people do (referring to social status) and I expect rejection because I'm not one of that group. And I stress myself out because I feel like I have to pretend to be something that I'm not. But I think when I'm with Viv it's easier, because ze doesn't ever pretend, ze just is, so I feel like I have permission to be my uncool self even in a 'cool' setting. I kinda hope that the day comes where I am comfortable enough to be publicly uncool all by myself. I'm not there yet but I feel like this is movement towards it, because I'm losing my fear of people-I-admire. (I've never cared about the opinion of most people, but if I admire someone a lot I get painfully self-conscious and sometimes even self-loathing if I can't tell what they think of me)

And you know, I think that I've had these taboos against doing things which I labeled as 'cool.' Some people won't leave the house without being smartly dressed and groomed because to do so would be a violation of their self-image as a person who is always put-together. I've felt that way about doing things like going to clubs/bars/parties and/or drinking because my self-image is a person who Does Not Fit in those places and also Does Not Act Stupid. And I think it's fine to avoid those things if I genuinely don't enjoy them, but to avoid them out of a taboo is limiting. And I do enjoy them, to an extent. When I got drunk, I felt stupid but I also felt expansive and connected. I can feel those things without drinking, of course, but it's interesting to feel them among others who maybe don't have another way of feeling expansive and connected. I think that was what I enjoyed most about the experience, actually -- the sort of breaking down of boundaries among strangers, which I've only felt before at Christian festivals/retreats. I hadn't imagined that there could be something transcendent about getting a little drunk and dancing with strangers, but it felt that way to me, somewhat. It was lovely to feel openness and connectedness among people whom I'd usually feel vast worlds apart from.

( two affirming experiences in one night! )

( Other Lives & Bat For Lashes in concert )

I still have a lot to write about -- developments in my relationships with Viv, lil sis, Ash, B, and eviltwin, but since that will probably be as long as what I've already written I'll break it into another post.

The first reaction to my bumper stickers was weird at best, but since then I've had two awesome reactions! One was to the same set in that first post, and the other was to the current set (new pics below).

I was driving in stop-and-go traffic in Atlanta listening to music loud with the windows down, and a 50+year-old person (I'm bad at ages, but ze had silver hair) on a motorcycle came up level with me for a second and called out, "thank you! [something I couldn't hear]" and then the traffic separated us. I turned my music down and waited until we were level again and called out, "What did you say?" and ze said "Yes we can!" We grinned at each other and then got separated by traffic again. It was so awesome! I loved it especially because ze was male (at least in appearance -- long beard), and part of me still expects all 30+ male people to be like "feminists are man-haters! down with them!" so it broke down a bit of that stereotype for me. :D Now I expect all bikers to be awesome feminists (haha).

The third one was more brief but also awesome -- someone pulled up beside me, rolled down the window, and said, "I love your stickers!" :D That one was especially cool because it was in my small city (which is notably traditionalist, and the same place that the first encounter happened).

( new bumper & window sticker photos! )

The first reaction to my bumper stickers was weird at best, but since then I've had two awesome reactions! One was to the same set in that first post, and the other was to the current set (new pics below).

I was driving in stop-and-go traffic in Atlanta listening to music loud with the windows down, and a 50+year-old person (I'm bad at ages, but ze had silver hair) on a motorcycle came up level with me for a second and called out, "thank you! [something I couldn't hear]" and then the traffic separated us. I turned my music down and waited until we were level again and called out, "What did you say?" and ze said "Yes we can!" We grinned at each other and then got separated by traffic again. It was so awesome! I loved it especially because ze was male (at least in appearance -- long beard), and part of me still expects all 30+ male people to be like "feminists are man-haters! down with them!" so it broke down a bit of that stereotype for me. :D Now I expect all bikers to be awesome feminists (haha).

The third one was more brief but also awesome -- someone pulled up beside me, rolled down the window, and said, "I love your stickers!" :D That one was especially cool because it was in my small city (which is notably traditionalist, and the same place that the first encounter happened).

( new bumper & window sticker photos! )

It's interesting how breakups motivate me. I suppose when I'm in a relationship, I put more and more energy into it without noticing it, and then when the breakup happens I suddenly realize I have all this energy with no demands on it. Last time I went through a major breakup (with a friend) it lead to a sudden drop in my fear, and this time it has had the same effect. I've been doing things that would have taken so much energy and courage before, and doing them without even thinking twice.

I mentioned how it was difficult for me to go to the pagan meeting last month -- since then I've been out with strangers and/or to new places several times, with less anxiety each time.

( druidic Beltaine ritual )

( borderPagans meetings )

( to the book sale with Ash )

( to the drum circle with Kat K and zir friend Pat, meeting Shel & Ryan )

It's interesting how breakups motivate me. I suppose when I'm in a relationship, I put more and more energy into it without noticing it, and then when the breakup happens I suddenly realize I have all this energy with no demands on it. Last time I went through a major breakup (with a friend) it lead to a sudden drop in my fear, and this time it has had the same effect. I've been doing things that would have taken so much energy and courage before, and doing them without even thinking twice.

I mentioned how it was difficult for me to go to the pagan meeting last month -- since then I've been out with strangers and/or to new places several times, with less anxiety each time.

( druidic Beltaine ritual )

( borderPagans meetings )

( to the book sale with Ash )

( to the drum circle with Kat K and zir friend Pat, meeting Shel & Ryan )

It's interesting how breakups motivate me. I suppose when I'm in a relationship, I put more and more energy into it without noticing it, and then when the breakup happens I suddenly realize I have all this energy with no demands on it. Last time I went through a major breakup (with a friend) it lead to a sudden drop in my fear, and this time it has had the same effect. I've been doing things that would have taken so much energy and courage before, and doing them without even thinking twice.

I mentioned how it was difficult for me to go to the pagan meeting last month -- since then I've been out with strangers and/or to new places several times, with less anxiety each time.

( druidic Beltaine ritual )

( borderPagans meetings )

( to the book sale with Ash )

( to the drum circle with Kat K and zir friend Pat, meeting Shel & Ryan )

I had a really interesting evening! I met up with Ash* (previously referred to as Ashley -- Ash fits better now in my opinion) and S (not sure how to spell it but that's how it's pronounced) at the Clay Cafe (which is a misnomer, since you PAINT the pottery, you don't work with clay -- I think it should be called "Drink 'n' Paint" :D), to join in a pagan meeting. For a couple of hours we just sat around and talked -- it wasn't very structured, just loosely about paganism, offshoots of that, and completely random stuff sprinkled in.

The group consisted of myself, Ash, zir friend S (who I didn't get to talk to but who seemed open-minded and interesting), Nikki (the organizer of the group, calm and strong), Nikki's partner Wolf (nickname -- can't remember the real name) (excitable, sweet, loud), H____ who dominated the conversation (a bit of an intellectual grandstander, but interesting!), two others who didn't say much (but had gentle spirits -- their presence was soothing), and Kat whom I really clicked with despite not really getting a 'read' on zir. We ended up in two half-circles, males on one side and females on the other, and had two or more conversations going most of the time. I mostly listened, poking my nose in every now and then. It was interesting to see how things flowed -- conversation in pairs, then in two groups, then in one group, and around again. Nikki told us about bellydance classes -- for $10 a session! near to me! I've been looking for that for ages -- I may start going (or I may wait until the next cycle comes around, since this 10-week cycle is half over). Ze also talked a little about the cat rescue where ze volunteers -- I think I'm going to look into getting involved with that too, if for nothing else than to assuage my kitten fever.

I was sitting next to Kat so we talked and I got to know zir a little -- we talked about the various ways we create, and ze mentioned that creating your own items takes down this barrier between you and the item, which is an interesting way of looking at it! I had always thought that creating something was bringing a part of you into physical form, but I hadn't considered the other side of it -- that there is a very real barrier between me and most of my daily items because I did not create them. I think customizing them can have the same effect as originally creating them though; I think that has been my (subconscious) motivation for customizing everything. Kat seems really cool: into bookbinding, cosplay, hooping, and various belief systems (eclectic, like me!).

Nearing the end, Wolf came over and sat on the coffeetable in front of Nikki and joined our conversation (turning zir back on the rest of the group). I found that really endearing, as it was so impolite and free! I liked their relationship -- they've been together 11 years and they have a cozy comfort that reminds me of my partner and I. It's that ease-of-balancing, that comfort that comes with having clashed so often that you've worn into each other and just fit. And Wolf said some things that were mentos in my diet coke, but I felt this affection/goodwill from zir that made me like zir anyway. ( the mentos )

This the first time I've had long conversation with strangers in a long time! I realized that it really nourishes me to talk face-to-face with new people (as long as it occasionally delves into the personal/passionate). Even though I didn't have much in common with most of the group, just the... brushing of spirits (for lack of a better term) was so good. And I really liked Kat and S; I want to know them more. Kat gave me zir facebook, so I added zir there, and we're hopefully going to meet up (other than at the next group)!

*oh yeah, I forgot that I hadn't mentioned it before -- Ash and I are rekindling our friendship now ;-)

I had a really interesting evening! I met up with Ash* (previously referred to as Ashley -- Ash fits better now in my opinion) and S (not sure how to spell it but that's how it's pronounced) at the Clay Cafe (which is a misnomer, since you PAINT the pottery, you don't work with clay -- I think it should be called "Drink 'n' Paint" :D), to join in a pagan meeting. For a couple of hours we just sat around and talked -- it wasn't very structured, just loosely about paganism, offshoots of that, and completely random stuff sprinkled in.

The group consisted of myself, Ash, zir friend S (who I didn't get to talk to but who seemed open-minded and interesting), Nikki (the organizer of the group, calm and strong), Nikki's partner Wolf (nickname -- can't remember the real name) (excitable, sweet, loud), H____ who dominated the conversation (a bit of an intellectual grandstander, but interesting!), two others who didn't say much (but had gentle spirits -- their presence was soothing), and Kat whom I really clicked with despite not really getting a 'read' on zir. We ended up in two half-circles, males on one side and females on the other, and had two or more conversations going most of the time. I mostly listened, poking my nose in every now and then. It was interesting to see how things flowed -- conversation in pairs, then in two groups, then in one group, and around again. Nikki told us about bellydance classes -- for $10 a session! near to me! I've been looking for that for ages -- I may start going (or I may wait until the next cycle comes around, since this 10-week cycle is half over). Ze also talked a little about the cat rescue where ze volunteers -- I think I'm going to look into getting involved with that too, if for nothing else than to assuage my kitten fever.

I was sitting next to Kat so we talked and I got to know zir a little -- we talked about the various ways we create, and ze mentioned that creating your own items takes down this barrier between you and the item, which is an interesting way of looking at it! I had always thought that creating something was bringing a part of you into physical form, but I hadn't considered the other side of it -- that there is a very real barrier between me and most of my daily items because I did not create them. I think customizing them can have the same effect as originally creating them though; I think that has been my (subconscious) motivation for customizing everything. Kat seems really cool: into bookbinding, cosplay, hooping, and various belief systems (eclectic, like me!).

Nearing the end, Wolf came over and sat on the coffeetable in front of Nikki and joined our conversation (turning zir back on the rest of the group). I found that really endearing, as it was so impolite and free! I liked their relationship -- they've been together 11 years and they have a cozy comfort that reminds me of my partner and I. It's that ease-of-balancing, that comfort that comes with having clashed so often that you've worn into each other and just fit. And Wolf said some things that were mentos in my diet coke, but I felt this affection/goodwill from zir that made me like zir anyway. ( the mentos )

This the first time I've had long conversation with strangers in a long time! I realized that it really nourishes me to talk face-to-face with new people (as long as it occasionally delves into the personal/passionate). Even though I didn't have much in common with most of the group, just the... brushing of spirits (for lack of a better term) was so good. And I really liked Kat and S; I want to know them more. Kat gave me zir facebook, so I added zir there, and we're hopefully going to meet up (other than at the next group)!

*oh yeah, I forgot that I hadn't mentioned it before -- Ash and I are rekindling our friendship now ;-)

I had a really interesting evening! I met up with Ash* (previously referred to as Ashley -- Ash fits better now in my opinion) and Sheree (not sure how to spell it but that's how it's pronounced) at the Clay Cafe (which is a misnomer, since you PAINT the pottery, you don't work with clay -- I think it should be called "Drink 'n' Paint" :D), to join in a pagan meeting. For a couple of hours we just sat around and talked -- it wasn't very structured, just loosely about paganism, offshoots of that, and completely random stuff sprinkled in.

The group consisted of myself, Ash, zir friend Sheree (who I didn't get to talk to but who seemed open-minded and interesting), Nikki (the organizer of the group, calm and strong), Nikki's partner Wolf (nickname -- can't remember the real name) (excitable, sweet, loud), H____ who dominated the conversation (a bit of an intellectual grandstander, but interesting!), two others who didn't say much (but had gentle spirits -- their presence was soothing), and Kat whom I really clicked with despite not really getting a 'read' on zir. We ended up in two half-circles, males on one side and females on the other, and had two or more conversations going most of the time. I mostly listened, poking my nose in every now and then. It was interesting to see how things flowed -- conversation in pairs, then in two groups, then in one group, and around again. Nikki told us about bellydance classes -- for $10 a session! near to me! I've been looking for that for ages -- I may start going (or I may wait until the next cycle comes around, since this 10-week cycle is half over). Ze also talked a little about the cat rescue where ze volunteers -- I think I'm going to look into getting involved with that too, if for nothing else than to assuage my kitten fever.

I was sitting next to Kat so we talked and I got to know zir a little -- we talked about the various ways we create, and ze mentioned that creating your own items takes down this barrier between you and the item, which is an interesting way of looking at it! I had always thought that creating something was bringing a part of you into physical form, but I hadn't considered the other side of it -- that there is a very real barrier between me and most of my daily items because I did not create them. I think customizing them can have the same effect as originally creating them though; I think that has been my (subconscious) motivation for customizing everything. Kat seems really cool: into bookbinding, cosplay, hooping, and various belief systems (eclectic, like me!).

Nearing the end, Wolf came over and sat on the coffeetable in front of Nikki and joined our conversation (turning zir back on the rest of the group). I found that really endearing, as it was so impolite and free! I liked their relationship -- they've been together 11 years and they have a cozy comfort that reminds me of my partner and I. It's that ease-of-balancing, that comfort that comes with having clashed so often that you've worn into each other and just fit. And Wolf said some things that were mentos in my diet coke, but I felt this affection/goodwill from zir that made me like zir anyway. ( the mentos )

This the first time I've had long conversation with strangers in a long time! I realized that it really nourishes me to talk face-to-face with new people (as long as it occasionally delves into the personal/passionate). Even though I didn't have much in common with most of the group, just the... brushing of spirits (for lack of a better term) was so good. And I really liked Kat and Sheree; I want to know them more. Kat gave me zir facebook, so I added zir there, and we're hopefully going to meet up (other than at the next group)!

*oh yeah, I forgot that I hadn't mentioned it before -- Ash and I are rekindling our friendship now ;-)

I had an incredible experience last night. I was leaving a shop as a guy walked in, and I felt a connection with him, so I smiled at him but kept on walking. As I was in the parking lot headed toward my car, the guy hurried out of the store and called out to me. He told me that God had a message that he wanted him to give to me, so I said okay and waited to hear it. He said that God wanted me to know that [ze] loved me and that [ze] knew about the dolphins, or something about dolphins (he had the image of a dolphin). I thought that was REALLY interesting because someone recently told me that my primary totem was a dolphin and I immediately wrote her off as a quack because I feel little about dolphins. But this is the second sign and they certainly couldn't have known each other. I'm still not sure if that actually means it is a totem of mine, or if these people are 'reading' my connection with Hannah (whom I also associate with dolphins). I told him that someone had recently told me that dolphin was one of my totems (inwardly thinking "oh no, now he's going to be all 'pure' Christian and start telling me how other beliefs are evil") and he asked what a totem was (???) and I tried to explain it, doing a clumsy job. He didn't seem to get it but he didn't seem to be judgmental about it either.

He also asked me if I knew about Jesus and I said yes, that I had been saved since I was four (so easily do I speak Christian-ese), and then he asked if I was Catholic, which I thought was a really weird question. I said no and asked him if HE was, he said no. Then I asked if he had a church nearby because I had been looking for one, and he did -- within walking distance of where we were. I asked what it was like and he started talking about healings and miracles, which I think is a great bonus but it is not something I need in a church. He was really excited about it though, and I just wanted to HUG him (I kinda wished he hadn't been Christian because then I would have felt free to hug him, oh the irony -- the church has a misunderstanding of what 'lust' is and how to avoid it) for having so much faith and love and courage to share with a stranger. I miss that sense of putting yourself in God/dess' hands and just acting in faith. I still do it in some ways, but there is this... sense of security that comes from acting in tandem with a church. Faith is greater when it is shared. I asked him what the worship was like and he said it was like Deliriou5, which sold me. He showed me where it was and I said I'd come that evening (they were having a special service).

The worship was fucking incredible! These people know how to do it! GOD/DESS, I've missed this. There is absolutely nothing like people passionately singing and dancing in love and faith. These people ROCKED OUT and not just the children, and not just the females, but EVERYONE. Even in all the Christian places I've been, I've never seen males dance in worship like that. Or rather, I've seen one here and there, but never all together in unity, never so unselfconsciously.

Imagine a rock concert where everyone is believing in faith-love-beauty-life, everyone is deliberately bringing out the best in themselves (rather than the worst, as is often in secular concerts). Imagine feeling that! If you've never gotten sweaty and disheveled from worshiping wildly in tandem with others, you are missing out. (not saying that other things aren't just as good -- saying that this is a great thing too!) This was the closest thing to a Benjamin Gate concert that I have been to since they disbanded. And they had the most incredible drummer, holy fuck, I was transported. And. they sang this song, which made my spirit shriek in joy:

( dance, dance! let the spirit move you! )

After that they gave testimonies of healings, which sounded amazing ( about the healing and the message from the speaker )

I had an incredible experience last night. I was leaving a shop as a guy walked in, and I felt a connection with him, so I smiled at him but kept on walking. As I was in the parking lot headed toward my car, the guy hurried out of the store and called out to me. He told me that God had a message that he wanted him to give to me, so I said okay and waited to hear it. He said that God wanted me to know that [ze] loved me and that [ze] knew about the dolphins, or something about dolphins (he had the image of a dolphin). I thought that was REALLY interesting because someone recently told me that my primary totem was a dolphin and I immediately wrote her off as a quack because I feel little about dolphins. But this is the second sign and they certainly couldn't have known each other. I'm still not sure if that actually means it is a totem of mine, or if these people are 'reading' my connection with Hannah (whom I also associate with dolphins). I told him that someone had recently told me that dolphin was one of my totems (inwardly thinking "oh no, now he's going to be all 'pure' Christian and start telling me how other beliefs are evil") and he asked what a totem was (???) and I tried to explain it, doing a clumsy job. He didn't seem to get it but he didn't seem to be judgmental about it either.

He also asked me if I knew about Jesus and I said yes, that I had been saved since I was four (so easily do I speak Christian-ese), and then he asked if I was Catholic, which I thought was a really weird question. I said no and asked him if HE was, he said no. Then I asked if he had a church nearby because I had been looking for one, and he did -- within walking distance of where we were. I asked what it was like and he started talking about healings and miracles, which I think is a great bonus but it is not something I need in a church. He was really excited about it though, and I just wanted to HUG him (I kinda wished he hadn't been Christian because then I would have felt free to hug him, oh the irony -- the church has a misunderstanding of what 'lust' is and how to avoid it) for having so much faith and love and courage to share with a stranger. I miss that sense of putting yourself in God/dess' hands and just acting in faith. I still do it in some ways, but there is this... sense of security that comes from acting in tandem with a church. Faith is greater when it is shared. I asked him what the worship was like and he said it was like Deliriou5, which sold me. He showed me where it was and I said I'd come that evening (they were having a special service).

The worship was fucking incredible! These people know how to do it! GOD/DESS, I've missed this. There is absolutely nothing like people passionately singing and dancing in love and faith. These people ROCKED OUT and not just the children, and not just the females, but EVERYONE. Even in all the Christian places I've been, I've never seen males dance in worship like that. Or rather, I've seen one here and there, but never all together in unity, never so unselfconsciously.

Imagine a rock concert where everyone is believing in faith-love-beauty-life, everyone is deliberately bringing out the best in themselves (rather than the worst, as is often in secular concerts). Imagine feeling that! If you've never gotten sweaty and disheveled from worshiping wildly in tandem with others, you are missing out. (not saying that other things aren't just as good -- saying that this is a great thing too!) This was the closest thing to a Benjamin Gate concert that I have been to since they disbanded. And they had the most incredible drummer, holy fuck, I was transported. And. they sang this song, which made my spirit shriek in joy:

( dance, dance! let the spirit move you! )

After that they gave testimonies of healings, which sounded amazing ( about the healing and the message from the speaker )

I had an incredible experience last night. I was leaving a shop as a guy walked in, and I felt a connection with him, so I smiled at him but kept on walking. As I was in the parking lot headed toward my car, the guy hurried out of the store and called out to me. He told me that God had a message that he wanted him to give to me, so I said okay and waited to hear it. He said that God wanted me to know that [ze] loved me and that [ze] knew about the dolphins, or something about dolphins (he had the image of a dolphin). I thought that was REALLY interesting because someone recently told me that my primary totem was a dolphin and I immediately wrote her off as a quack because I feel little about dolphins. But this is the second sign and they certainly couldn't have known each other. I'm still not sure if that actually means it is a totem of mine, or if these people are 'reading' my connection with Hannah (whom I also associate with dolphins). I told him that someone had recently told me that dolphin was one of my totems (inwardly thinking "oh no, now he's going to be all 'pure' Christian and start telling me how other beliefs are evil") and he asked what a totem was (???) and I tried to explain it, doing a clumsy job. He didn't seem to get it but he didn't seem to be judgmental about it either.

He also asked me if I knew about Jesus and I said yes, that I had been saved since I was four (so easily do I speak Christian-ese), and then he asked if I was Catholic, which I thought was a really weird question. I said no and asked him if HE was, he said no. Then I asked if he had a church nearby because I had been looking for one, and he did -- within walking distance of where we were. I asked what it was like and he started talking about healings and miracles, which I think is a great bonus but it is not something I need in a church. He was really excited about it though, and I just wanted to HUG him (I kinda wished he hadn't been Christian because then I would have felt free to hug him, oh the irony -- the church has a misunderstanding of what 'lust' is and how to avoid it) for having so much faith and love and courage to share with a stranger. I miss that sense of putting yourself in God/dess' hands and just acting in faith. I still do it in some ways, but there is this... sense of security that comes from acting in tandem with a church. Faith is greater when it is shared. I asked him what the worship was like and he said it was like Deliriou5, which sold me. He showed me where it was and I said I'd come that evening (they were having a special service).

The worship was fucking incredible! These people know how to do it! GOD/DESS, I've missed this. There is absolutely nothing like people passionately singing and dancing in love and faith. These people ROCKED OUT and not just the children, and not just the females, but EVERYONE. Even in all the Christian places I've been, I've never seen males dance in worship like that. Or rather, I've seen one here and there, but never all together in unity, never so unselfconsciously.

Imagine a rock concert where everyone is believing in faith-love-beauty-life, everyone is deliberately bringing out the best in themselves (rather than the worst, as is often in secular concerts). Imagine feeling that! If you've never gotten sweaty and disheveled from worshiping wildly in tandem with others, you are missing out. (not saying that other things aren't just as good -- saying that this is a great thing too!) This was the closest thing to a Benjamin Gate concert that I have been to since they disbanded. And they had the most incredible drummer, holy fuck, I was transported. And. they sang this song, which made my spirit shriek in joy:

( dance, dance! let the spirit move you! )

After that they gave testimonies of healings, which sounded amazing ( about the healing and the message from the speaker )

Hello beautiful beautiful people! *hugs whole flist*

I feel like I hit rock bottom and pushed off, and now I'm finally rising towards the surface. It feels really wonderful to be looking up instead of helplessly staring at my feet as I sink further and further. It wasn't anything I did; it was the love given to me by so many people, in so many ways. Megan especially -- she kept reaching out even though I was late and little in my responses. Thank you lovey ♥ You've been such a positive force in my life!

My Christmas was less than sparkly overall ( ... ) One very sparkly point was the dream I had while sleeping my cramps away. It was my Christmas present from God/dess; the vivid, spiritually-real kind. ♥ It gave me so much hope and joy -- I'll post it after this. Now if I could only interpret it!

Two days after Christmas I had a fantastic day. I dropped my partner at work so I could have the car, and went to meet a new friend (who found me on craigslist) at a coffeehouse. Amber is bouncy and outgoing -- I think we're going to get along famously. We talked for a good long while and it felt so comfortable! I've met several new people in the past few months, some of whom I got along really well with but none with whom I felt soo comfortable. I really like to be around people who have a higher energy than me -- I love all types, of course, but when I have no higher-energy people in my life I really miss it.

Later that day I wrestled my partner into going to see Enchanted with me in the theatre (he thinks only action movies should be seen on the big screen *pah*) and we LOVED it! My partner actually laughed out loud which he hardly ever does -- he usually laughs in this 'heh heh' kind of way, not 'ha ha ha!' I love his laugh ;-) The beginning is almost painfully ironic, mocking the syrupy-sweetness of the 'classic' disney films. There's also some subtler feminist irony which I REALLY loved, and one incredible curvy-positive moment that almost made me cry. See it!

Then as we were leaving my partner spotted his old friend Thiago, whom we haven't seen in AGES! It was so incredibly meant to be -- if we had left a little earlier or a little later we would have missed him. Thiago is this absolutely amazing guy; I can't put into words what it is about him, as I don't even know him that well, but I really love him. He's one of the most respectful people I have ever met -- he has a deep respect for every person as themselves, and that just radiates from him. You know he would respect a prostitute, a politician, a pastor, or a child equally (or at least, I feel so) -- and he's one of the very few guys I've met who gives me the impression that he respects women as much as men. When we walked up to him he was with several other people, and he put out his hand as my partner walked over to greet another guy (my partner didn't notice his hand out) -- I laughed and said "I'll shake your hand!" and put my hand in his, and he turned to me and gave me a hug. I was just beaming -- this guy feels like a spiritual brother to me. Just before we left Thiago hugged me again, and I must have just been glowing with happiness. He was so genuine! Genuine physical affection is absolutely the most wonderful thing to me -- those two hugs meant SO much. ♥ ♥ ♥

And this amazing day wasn't over (it lasted over 25 hours :D)! After my partner went to bed, I got on gtalk in the mood to chat for the first time in AGES (usually I just pop in long enough to check my email) and had the most AMAZING conversation with mourningdoveava! I friended him in August and we've had quite a few commentations, but never a real-time conversation before. We talked for over SEVEN HOURS overall, about so many things, and it felt like such a short time! We're so alike it's insane. No, really! I thought Hannah and I were alike, but I think Ava and I have even MORE in common! It blows my mind to the point where I have a hard time believing he's real. *pinches him*

I'm using my super-extremely-very-uper-duper awesome new icon right now despite it's irrelevance because I am totally in love with it. Yay self-adoration! :D I have more to say *overflows* but I will put it in other posts! I am so... fertile right now! yum, rain. :D

Hello beautiful beautiful people! *hugs whole flist*

I feel like I hit rock bottom and pushed off, and now I'm finally rising towards the surface. It feels really wonderful to be looking up instead of helplessly staring at my feet as I sink further and further. It wasn't anything I did; it was the love given to me by so many people, in so many ways. Megan especially -- she kept reaching out even though I was late and little in my responses. Thank you lovey ♥ You've been such a positive force in my life!

My Christmas was less than sparkly overall ( ... ) One very sparkly point was the dream I had while sleeping my cramps away. It was my Christmas present from God/dess; the vivid, spiritually-real kind. ♥ It gave me so much hope and joy -- I'll post it after this. Now if I could only interpret it!

Two days after Christmas I had a fantastic day. I dropped my partner at work so I could have the car, and went to meet a new friend (who found me on craigslist) at a coffeehouse. Amber is bouncy and outgoing -- I think we're going to get along famously. We talked for a good long while and it felt so comfortable! I've met several new people in the past few months, some of whom I got along really well with but none with whom I felt soo comfortable. I really like to be around people who have a higher energy than me -- I love all types, of course, but when I have no higher-energy people in my life I really miss it.

Later that day I wrestled my partner into going to see Enchanted with me in the theatre (he thinks only action movies should be seen on the big screen *pah*) and we LOVED it! My partner actually laughed out loud which he hardly ever does -- he usually laughs in this 'heh heh' kind of way, not 'ha ha ha!' I love his laugh ;-) The beginning is almost painfully ironic, mocking the syrupy-sweetness of the 'classic' disney films. There's also some subtler feminist irony which I REALLY loved, and one incredible curvy-positive moment that almost made me cry. See it!

Then as we were leaving my partner spotted his old friend Thiago, whom we haven't seen in AGES! It was so incredibly meant to be -- if we had left a little earlier or a little later we would have missed him. Thiago is this absolutely amazing guy; I can't put into words what it is about him, as I don't even know him that well, but I really love him. He's one of the most respectful people I have ever met -- he has a deep respect for every person as themselves, and that just radiates from him. You know he would respect a prostitute, a politician, a pastor, or a child equally (or at least, I feel so) -- and he's one of the very few guys I've met who gives me the impression that he respects women as much as men. When we walked up to him he was with several other people, and he put out his hand as my partner walked over to greet another guy (my partner didn't notice his hand out) -- I laughed and said "I'll shake your hand!" and put my hand in his, and he turned to me and gave me a hug. I was just beaming -- this guy feels like a spiritual brother to me. Just before we left Thiago hugged me again, and I must have just been glowing with happiness. He was so genuine! Genuine physical affection is absolutely the most wonderful thing to me -- those two hugs meant SO much. ♥ ♥ ♥

And this amazing day wasn't over (it lasted over 25 hours :D)! After my partner went to bed, I got on gtalk in the mood to chat for the first time in AGES (usually I just pop in long enough to check my email) and had the most AMAZING conversation with mourningdoveava! I friended him in August and we've had quite a few commentations, but never a real-time conversation before. We talked for over SEVEN HOURS overall, about so many things, and it felt like such a short time! We're so alike it's insane. No, really! I thought Hannah and I were alike, but I think Ava and I have even MORE in common! It blows my mind to the point where I have a hard time believing he's real. *pinches him*

I'm using my super-extremely-very-uper-duper awesome new icon right now despite it's irrelevance because I am totally in love with it. Yay self-adoration! :D I have more to say *overflows* but I will put it in other posts! I am so... fertile right now! yum, rain. :D

Hello beautiful beautiful people! *hugs whole flist*

I feel like I hit rock bottom and pushed off, and now I'm finally rising towards the surface. It feels really wonderful to be looking up instead of helplessly staring at my feet as I sink further and further. It wasn't anything I did; it was the love given to me by so many people, in so many ways. Megan especially -- she kept reaching out even though I was late and little in my responses. Thank you lovey ♥ You've been such a positive force in my life!

My Christmas was less than sparkly overall ( ... ) One very sparkly point was the dream I had while sleeping my cramps away. It was my Christmas present from God/dess; the vivid, spiritually-real kind. ♥ It gave me so much hope and joy -- I'll post it after this. Now if I could only interpret it!

Two days after Christmas I had a fantastic day. I dropped my partner at work so I could have the car, and went to meet a new friend (who found me on craigslist) at a coffeehouse. Amber is bouncy and outgoing -- I think we're going to get along famously. We talked for a good long while and it felt so comfortable! I've met several new people in the past few months, some of whom I got along really well with but none with whom I felt soo comfortable. I really like to be around people who have a higher energy than me -- I love all types, of course, but when I have no higher-energy people in my life I really miss it.

Later that day I wrestled my partner into going to see Enchanted with me in the theatre (he thinks only action movies should be seen on the big screen *pah*) and we LOVED it! My partner actually laughed out loud which he hardly ever does -- he usually laughs in this 'heh heh' kind of way, not 'ha ha ha!' I love his laugh ;-) The beginning is almost painfully ironic, mocking the syrupy-sweetness of the 'classic' disney films. There's also some subtler feminist irony which I REALLY loved, and one incredible curvy-positive moment that almost made me cry. See it!

Then as we were leaving my partner spotted his old friend Thiago, whom we haven't seen in AGES! It was so incredibly meant to be -- if we had left a little earlier or a little later we would have missed him. Thiago is this absolutely amazing guy; I can't put into words what it is about him, as I don't even know him that well, but I really love him. He's one of the most respectful people I have ever met -- he has a deep respect for every person as themselves, and that just radiates from him. You know he would respect a prostitute, a politician, a pastor, or a child equally (or at least, I feel so) -- and he's one of the very few guys I've met who gives me the impression that he respects women as much as men. When we walked up to him he was with several other people, and he put out his hand as my partner walked over to greet another guy (my partner didn't notice his hand out) -- I laughed and said "I'll shake your hand!" and put my hand in his, and he turned to me and gave me a hug. I was just beaming -- this guy feels like a spiritual brother to me. Just before we left Thiago hugged me again, and I must have just been glowing with happiness. He was so genuine! Genuine physical affection is absolutely the most wonderful thing to me -- those two hugs meant SO much. ♥ ♥ ♥

And this amazing day wasn't over (it lasted over 25 hours :D)! After my partner went to bed, I got on gtalk in the mood to chat for the first time in AGES (usually I just pop in long enough to check my email) and had the most AMAZING conversation with mourningdoveava! I friended him in August and we've had quite a few commentations, but never a real-time conversation before. We talked for over SEVEN HOURS overall, about so many things, and it felt like such a short time! We're so alike it's insane. No, really! I thought Hannah and I were alike, but I think Ava and I have even MORE in common! It blows my mind to the point where I have a hard time believing he's real. *pinches him*

I'm using my super-extremely-very-uper-duper awesome new icon right now despite it's irrelevance because I am totally in love with it. Yay self-adoration! :D I have more to say *overflows* but I will put it in other posts! I am so... fertile right now! yum, rain. :D

Haha, you guys see me very differently than I see myself! I was sure you'd all choose the first one, and it ended up being least popular. I think it's significant that kmiotutsie chose it though, because she's the only voter who's actually spent several days in a row with me ;-D and I apparently come across much more serious in my LJ than face-to-face. I laugh and grin a lot in real life. and rant and yell and make crazy faces. Maybe I should make a habit of posting videos more often. Anyway I made the two most popular choices into icons, shimmering and voltaic. ;-)

My posts have been monomaniacal lately, which is a bit irksome to me because when people come across it I feel they get the wrong idea about me. But sex (the act, sexual identity/ preference/ orientation, the social beliefs about it) seems to be the theme in my thoughts lately so it's the theme here. I suppose I'll just have to live with my monomaniacal LJ until the theme passes ;-)

On another note, I'm so freaking out of shape! I almost never get my heart rate up, never exert myself, and as a result I get out of breath so easily. And my muscles are weak, which annoys me greatly because I've always been strong. I really miss the feeling of confidence that comes with muscle strength. When I worked on the farm, I never got out of breath and never got tired (unless I did something REALLY exhausting like muck out the barn) -- I don't miss the drudgery and depression but I do miss my fitness! So I'm going to make that a current project -- for every thirty minutes of sitting I'm going to do some half-jumping-jacks (while holding my breasts, so they aren't REAL jumping jacks but I don't care to have my breasts fly off) to get my heart rate up (or maybe I'll get a jump rope and sports bra), and I'm going to sign up for Curves (now that we can afford it yay!) and go three times a week. And in a few months I'm going to start taking bellydance lessons again!

A few months ago I wrote this and never posted it, so here you go: ( my first experience with Unity Church (incl. first reiki experience), and current impressions ) Just being around people who are focused on spiritual growth is REALLY good for me.

Last Sunday I went to Unity again and the assistant pastor Bill spoke (because Nancy was out of town) about how to find happiness. One of the things he focused on was surrounding yourself with positive, growth-oriented people. I had noticed a girl who seemed close to my age sitting in the row in front of me, and had thought about giving her my contact info (since I thought I'd have to leave early but Bill is less verbose than Nancy), and his topic convinced me that I should. So I super-nervously spoke to her after the service (she had to offer her name because of course I forgot, and then I gave her the wrong name! agh!) and gave her my contact info, and she seemed open to the idea of being friends. And then I was very relieved that she actually contacted me AND added me on LJ (hi theindiequeen!) so I didn't put her off. And she lives decently close instead of HOURS away like everyone else! So hopefully we'll get to meet sometime this week. I am very proud of my own bravery! When I think back about how I used to be... just wow.

I am pretty desperate for friends in the area. I have so many AMAZING friends but you all live too damn far away! And I want to do stuff! The only friend I have close by is Ben, so when he is home I want to spend time with him, so I only do things that we both like -- which is pretty much go to coffee, go driving, or stay home. (every now and then he'll go to the used book store with me) And of course when he's at work he has the car, so I can't go out then. *sigh* I'm looking forward to getting a second car. Or a friend who lives nearby and likes similar things so that I can do stuff with them instead of by myself.

ALSO! Crafty friends, I want to commission a bright rainbow-colored ruffle-front or zip-up knit duster (like this or this or this, only in rainbow yarn) Are any of you available/able to do that sort of commission, or do you know anyone who is? As long as the prices are reasonable and the person is vouched for I'll be happy to pay half in advance (or if it is one of you, I'll pay it all in advance). I'd also be up for a thick rainbow fabric if the maker can find it.

Haha, you guys see me very differently than I see myself! I was sure you'd all choose the first one, and it ended up being least popular. I think it's significant that kmiotutsie chose it though, because she's the only voter who's actually spent several days in a row with me ;-D and I apparently come across much more serious in my LJ than face-to-face. I laugh and grin a lot in real life. and rant and yell and make crazy faces. Maybe I should make a habit of posting videos more often. Anyway I made the two most popular choices into icons, shimmering and voltaic. ;-)

My posts have been monomaniacal lately, which is a bit irksome to me because when people come across it I feel they get the wrong idea about me. But sex (the act, sexual identity/ preference/ orientation, the social beliefs about it) seems to be the theme in my thoughts lately so it's the theme here. I suppose I'll just have to live with my monomaniacal LJ until the theme passes ;-)

On another note, I'm so freaking out of shape! I almost never get my heart rate up, never exert myself, and as a result I get out of breath so easily. And my muscles are weak, which annoys me greatly because I've always been strong. I really miss the feeling of confidence that comes with muscle strength. When I worked on the farm, I never got out of breath and never got tired (unless I did something REALLY exhausting like muck out the barn) -- I don't miss the drudgery and depression but I do miss my fitness! So I'm going to make that a current project -- for every thirty minutes of sitting I'm going to do some half-jumping-jacks (while holding my breasts, so they aren't REAL jumping jacks but I don't care to have my breasts fly off) to get my heart rate up (or maybe I'll get a jump rope and sports bra), and I'm going to sign up for Curves (now that we can afford it yay!) and go three times a week. And in a few months I'm going to start taking bellydance lessons again!

A few months ago I wrote this and never posted it, so here you go: ( my first experience with Unity Church (incl. first reiki experience), and current impressions ) Just being around people who are focused on spiritual growth is REALLY good for me.

Last Sunday I went to Unity again and the assistant pastor Bill spoke (because Nancy was out of town) about how to find happiness. One of the things he focused on was surrounding yourself with positive, growth-oriented people. I had noticed a girl who seemed close to my age sitting in the row in front of me, and had thought about giving her my contact info (since I thought I'd have to leave early but Bill is less verbose than Nancy), and his topic convinced me that I should. So I super-nervously spoke to her after the service (she had to offer her name because of course I forgot, and then I gave her the wrong name! agh!) and gave her my contact info, and she seemed open to the idea of being friends. And then I was very relieved that she actually contacted me AND added me on LJ (hi theindiequeen!) so I didn't put her off. And she lives decently close instead of HOURS away like everyone else! So hopefully we'll get to meet sometime this week. I am very proud of my own bravery! When I think back about how I used to be... just wow.

I am pretty desperate for friends in the area. I have so many AMAZING friends but you all live too damn far away! And I want to do stuff! The only friend I have close by is Ben, so when he is home I want to spend time with him, so I only do things that we both like -- which is pretty much go to coffee, go driving, or stay home. (every now and then he'll go to the used book store with me) And of course when he's at work he has the car, so I can't go out then. *sigh* I'm looking forward to getting a second car. Or a friend who lives nearby and likes similar things so that I can do stuff with them instead of by myself.

ALSO! Crafty friends, I want to commission a bright rainbow-colored ruffle-front or zip-up knit duster (like this or this or this, only in rainbow yarn) Are any of you available/able to do that sort of commission, or do you know anyone who is? As long as the prices are reasonable and the person is vouched for I'll be happy to pay half in advance (or if it is one of you, I'll pay it all in advance). I'd also be up for a thick rainbow fabric if the maker can find it.

Haha, you guys see me very differently than I see myself! I was sure you'd all choose the first one, and it ended up being least popular. I think it's significant that kmiotutsie chose it though, because she's the only voter who's actually spent several days in a row with me ;-D and I apparently come across much more serious in my LJ than face-to-face. I laugh and grin a lot in real life. and rant and yell and make crazy faces. Maybe I should make a habit of posting videos more often. Anyway I made the two most popular choices into icons, shimmering and voltaic. ;-)

My posts have been monomaniacal lately, which is a bit irksome to me because when people come across it I feel they get the wrong idea about me. But sex (the act, sexual identity/ preference/ orientation, the social beliefs about it) seems to be the theme in my thoughts lately so it's the theme here. I suppose I'll just have to live with my monomaniacal LJ until the theme passes ;-)

On another note, I'm so freaking out of shape! I almost never get my heart rate up, never exert myself, and as a result I get out of breath so easily. And my muscles are weak, which annoys me greatly because I've always been strong. I really miss the feeling of confidence that comes with muscle strength. When I worked on the farm, I never got out of breath and never got tired (unless I did something REALLY exhausting like muck out the barn) -- I don't miss the drudgery and depression but I do miss my fitness! So I'm going to make that a current project -- for every thirty minutes of sitting I'm going to do some half-jumping-jacks (while holding my breasts, so they aren't REAL jumping jacks but I don't care to have my breasts fly off) to get my heart rate up (or maybe I'll get a jump rope and sports bra), and I'm going to sign up for Curves (now that we can afford it yay!) and go three times a week. And in a few months I'm going to start taking bellydance lessons again!

A few months ago I wrote this and never posted it, so here you go: ( my first experience with Unity Church (incl. first reiki experience), and current impressions ) Just being around people who are focused on spiritual growth is REALLY good for me.

Last Sunday I went to Unity again and the assistant pastor Bill spoke (because Nancy was out of town) about how to find happiness. One of the things he focused on was surrounding yourself with positive, growth-oriented people. I had noticed a girl who seemed close to my age sitting in the row in front of me, and had thought about giving her my contact info (since I thought I'd have to leave early but Bill is less verbose than Nancy), and his topic convinced me that I should. So I super-nervously spoke to her after the service (she had to offer her name because of course I forgot, and then I gave her the wrong name! agh!) and gave her my contact info, and she seemed open to the idea of being friends. And then I was very relieved that she actually contacted me AND added me on LJ (hi theindiequeen!) so I didn't put her off. And she lives decently close instead of HOURS away like everyone else! So hopefully we'll get to meet sometime this week. I am very proud of my own bravery! When I think back about how I used to be... just wow.

I am pretty desperate for friends in the area. I have so many AMAZING friends but you all live too damn far away! And I want to do stuff! The only friend I have close by is Ben, so when he is home I want to spend time with him, so I only do things that we both like -- which is pretty much go to coffee, go driving, or stay home. (every now and then he'll go to the used book store with me) And of course when he's at work he has the car, so I can't go out then. *sigh* I'm looking forward to getting a second car. Or a friend who lives nearby and likes similar things so that I can do stuff with them instead of by myself.

ALSO! Crafty friends, I want to commission a bright rainbow-colored ruffle-front or zip-up knit duster (like this or this or this, only in rainbow yarn) Are any of you available/able to do that sort of commission, or do you know anyone who is? As long as the prices are reasonable and the person is vouched for I'll be happy to pay half in advance (or if it is one of you, I'll pay it all in advance). I'd also be up for a thick rainbow fabric if the maker can find it.

( ... ) She heavily implied that analysing got in the way of really living -- whereas I believe that "the unexamined life is not worth living." Not to confuse caution with analysing -- I think the best time to analyse is AFTER you do a thing. I'm a fan of making mistakes, but only making them once (hopefully). I'd rather go with my instinct and make a mess than miss an opportunity. I think you can only be 'too' analytical if you don't immerse yourself in experience because you are too busy looking in from the outside. I definitely immerse myself in experience. and then afterwards I analyse it. like now! ;-)

In school, you don't learn something and then move on -- you learn, review, and move on. If you skip the review, you're not likely to remember, or use what you learned. The way I see it is, our minds are storage places. When you come across new information, it is randomly tossed into the mindspace. By analysing, you take this knowledge and reshape it into a configuration that fits best in your particular mindspace. Only then can you use it to its fullest potential. It can still be used in its original shape, but it cannot be easily built upon.

Another way of putting it is to say that when someone gives you knowledge, it is their knowledge, designed to fit into their mindspace (unless it is regurgitated; then you have no idea whose mindspace it fits, which is a little scary if you think about it!). It only becomes yours when you break it down and reshape it to fit in YOUR mindspace. People can tell me all day long that drinking water is good for me, but it remains their knowledge until I reshape it into mine (in this example, by experiencing the difference between good and poor hydration). Because of this way of thinking, I never take anyone's words to be truth for me -- they may be verrrrrry similar but they will have slight differences that will create instability in my thoughts if I do not first reshape them to fit my mindspace. There's only one side of difference between a rectangle and a pentagon, but they don't fit together in a pattern very easily.

( ... ) She heavily implied that analysing got in the way of really living -- whereas I believe that "the unexamined life is not worth living." Not to confuse caution with analysing -- I think the best time to analyse is AFTER you do a thing. I'm a fan of making mistakes, but only making them once (hopefully). I'd rather go with my instinct and make a mess than miss an opportunity. I think you can only be 'too' analytical if you don't immerse yourself in experience because you are too busy looking in from the outside. I definitely immerse myself in experience. and then afterwards I analyse it. like now! ;-)

In school, you don't learn something and then move on -- you learn, review, and move on. If you skip the review, you're not likely to remember, or use what you learned. The way I see it is, our minds are storage places. When you come across new information, it is randomly tossed into the mindspace. By analysing, you take this knowledge and reshape it into a configuration that fits best in your particular mindspace. Only then can you use it to its fullest potential. It can still be used in its original shape, but it cannot be easily built upon.

Another way of putting it is to say that when someone gives you knowledge, it is their knowledge, designed to fit into their mindspace (unless it is regurgitated; then you have no idea whose mindspace it fits, which is a little scary if you think about it!). It only becomes yours when you break it down and reshape it to fit in YOUR mindspace. People can tell me all day long that drinking water is good for me, but it remains their knowledge until I reshape it into mine (in this example, by experiencing the difference between good and poor hydration). Because of this way of thinking, I never take anyone's words to be truth for me -- they may be verrrrrry similar but they will have slight differences that will create instability in my thoughts if I do not first reshape them to fit my mindspace. There's only one side of difference between a rectangle and a pentagon, but they don't fit together in a pattern very easily.

( ... ) She heavily implied that analysing got in the way of really living -- whereas I believe that "the unexamined life is not worth living." Not to confuse caution with analysing -- I think the best time to analyse is AFTER you do a thing. I'm a fan of making mistakes, but only making them once (hopefully). I'd rather go with my instinct and make a mess than miss an opportunity. I think you can only be 'too' analytical if you don't immerse yourself in experience because you are too busy looking in from the outside. I definitely immerse myself in experience. and then afterwards I analyse it. like now! ;-)

In school, you don't learn something and then move on -- you learn, review, and move on. If you skip the review, you're not likely to remember, or use what you learned. The way I see it is, our minds are storage places. When you come across new information, it is randomly tossed into the mindspace. By analysing, you take this knowledge and reshape it into a configuration that fits best in your particular mindspace. Only then can you use it to its fullest potential. It can still be used in its original shape, but it cannot be easily built upon.

Another way of putting it is to say that when someone gives you knowledge, it is their knowledge, designed to fit into their mindspace (unless it is regurgitated; then you have no idea whose mindspace it fits, which is a little scary if you think about it!). It only becomes yours when you break it down and reshape it to fit in YOUR mindspace. People can tell me all day long that drinking water is good for me, but it remains their knowledge until I reshape it into mine (in this example, by experiencing the difference between good and poor hydration). Because of this way of thinking, I never take anyone's words to be truth for me -- they may be verrrrrry similar but they will have slight differences that will create instability in my thoughts if I do not first reshape them to fit my mindspace. There's only one side of difference between a rectangle and a pentagon, but they don't fit together in a pattern very easily.

I had the greatest day last Tuesday. First, Ben and I went to meet Bruce Garlick to discuss a future shoot -- at a coffeeshop. And Bruce insisted on treating us (well, me -- Ben didn't want anything), so right away I liked him a lot. We talked for a while about his photographic style and what I would want from a shoot -- he's very different from the others I have worked with. He shoots as if taking stills from a film: sets up the scene, gives a character, a story, and then just takes photos as the 'scene' develops. I am so excited about working with him! I have to share some of his work to explain:

( not work safe! nudity )

He also wants to help me in my current theme-project: Body Love. I have been developing ideas in my head, but if anyone has suggestions, feel free to give them to me. I think I am going to do a lot of imitation-classic-paintings, posing like Renoir's, Zorn's, Ruben's models... I need to get more specific ideas though, so if you have ANY ideas on glorifying voluptuousness, celebrating curves, tell me.

After that, I got an urge to stop by the thriftstore, and surprisingly enough Ben was positive about the idea -- he was reading the Fair Tax book by Boortz, so he had entertainment. I went in and found !!! a magazine with a DOVE GIRLS SPREAD and another magazine with THREE of the nike body-positive ads!!! Then I remembered that I had prayed to find a Dove Girls ad (in something other than the Weight Watchers mag, because ugh) -- yay God remembered even though I forgot! aaaaaaaaand, I GOT MY ADS without contributing to the EVIL self-esteem-poison industry!!!! hahahahahaha, they got NO MONIES from me. I am seriously SO pleased about that. ;-D Of course I don't like the mixed message of the Dove ads, but really, I am so delighted to see various body types that I don't care. And I had only seen small, low-res images of the women before -- in the actual ad, I could see that they really DO have very varied body types! Top-heavy, bottom-heavy, slender all over, curvy all over -- so awesome to see! And I am in love with the black woman's belly. just wow. I need a scanner so that I can show the photos to all of you and curvygirls.

And then this guy walked up to me and just struck up a conversation -- quite an interesting guy. We ended up sitting on the floor and talking for about two hours about the interconnectedness of all things, politics, vegetarianism, music, humanity, the future of our world culture -- it was SO amazing. I could tell that he was a little too interested in stamping my mind with his ideas, but since I am now confident enough to handle that, I was able to gain some wisdom from him without feeling squelched. And he was very intelligent -- rarely do I meet a person that makes me feel that he is more intelligent than I. I know part of it was a conscious effort to appear intelligent (I know that shell, I used to wear it!), but he really was brilliant. And like all brilliant people, very intense. I felt sharpened by the experience.

And I was flattered when he asked if my clothing was a reculturization. ;-) I was wearing a headscarf, coin earrings, my black "conform and be dull" top, a long black skirt -- and mismatching socks with tennis shoes. I told him no, I just wear whatever I like -- but I do have a strong connection with gypsy culture. That sparked a thread of conversation on culture, my favorite topic.

I love love LOVE that that happened. I feel like that is what my life is supposed to be like -- me going out and making true connections with the aware people of the world. I am so thrilled that I am secure enough to have a real conversation with a stranger -- and a GUY -- who is MORE intelligent than I! We exchanged email addys. I don't know if I'll contact him or not, but I am pleased that I have the choice.

comments enabled, feel free! I'm feeling much more relaxed about that now.

I had the greatest day last Tuesday. First, Ben and I went to meet Bruce Garlick to discuss a future shoot -- at a coffeeshop. And Bruce insisted on treating us (well, me -- Ben didn't want anything), so right away I liked him a lot. We talked for a while about his photographic style and what I would want from a shoot -- he's very different from the others I have worked with. He shoots as if taking stills from a film: sets up the scene, gives a character, a story, and then just takes photos as the 'scene' develops. I am so excited about working with him! I have to share some of his work to explain:

( not work safe! nudity )

He also wants to help me in my current theme-project: Body Love. I have been developing ideas in my head, but if anyone has suggestions, feel free to give them to me. I think I am going to do a lot of imitation-classic-paintings, posing like Renoir's, Zorn's, Ruben's models... I need to get more specific ideas though, so if you have ANY ideas on glorifying voluptuousness, celebrating curves, tell me.

After that, I got an urge to stop by the thriftstore, and surprisingly enough Ben was positive about the idea -- he was reading the Fair Tax book by Boortz, so he had entertainment. I went in and found !!! a magazine with a DOVE GIRLS SPREAD and another magazine with THREE of the nike body-positive ads!!! Then I remembered that I had prayed to find a Dove Girls ad (in something other than the Weight Watchers mag, because ugh) -- yay God remembered even though I forgot! aaaaaaaaand, I GOT MY ADS without contributing to the EVIL self-esteem-poison industry!!!! hahahahahaha, they got NO MONIES from me. I am seriously SO pleased about that. ;-D Of course I don't like the mixed message of the Dove ads, but really, I am so delighted to see various body types that I don't care. And I had only seen small, low-res images of the women before -- in the actual ad, I could see that they really DO have very varied body types! Top-heavy, bottom-heavy, slender all over, curvy all over -- so awesome to see! And I am in love with the black woman's belly. just wow. I need a scanner so that I can show the photos to all of you and curvygirls.

And then this guy walked up to me and just struck up a conversation -- quite an interesting guy. We ended up sitting on the floor and talking for about two hours about the interconnectedness of all things, politics, vegetarianism, music, humanity, the future of our world culture -- it was SO amazing. I could tell that he was a little too interested in stamping my mind with his ideas, but since I am now confident enough to handle that, I was able to gain some wisdom from him without feeling squelched. And he was very intelligent -- rarely do I meet a person that makes me feel that he is more intelligent than I. I know part of it was a conscious effort to appear intelligent (I know that shell, I used to wear it!), but he really was brilliant. And like all brilliant people, very intense. I felt sharpened by the experience.

And I was flattered when he asked if my clothing was a reculturization. ;-) I was wearing a headscarf, coin earrings, my black "conform and be dull" top, a long black skirt -- and mismatching socks with tennis shoes. I told him no, I just wear whatever I like -- but I do have a strong connection with gypsy culture. That sparked a thread of conversation on culture, my favorite topic.

I love love LOVE that that happened. I feel like that is what my life is supposed to be like -- me going out and making true connections with the aware people of the world. I am so thrilled that I am secure enough to have a real conversation with a stranger -- and a GUY -- who is MORE intelligent than I! We exchanged email addys. I don't know if I'll contact him or not, but I am pleased that I have the choice.

comments enabled, feel free! I'm feeling much more relaxed about that now.

I had the greatest day last Tuesday. First, Ben and I went to meet Bruce Garlick to discuss a future shoot -- at a coffeeshop. And Bruce insisted on treating us (well, me -- Ben didn't want anything), so right away I liked him a lot. We talked for a while about his photographic style and what I would want from a shoot -- he's very different from the others I have worked with. He shoots as if taking stills from a film: sets up the scene, gives a character, a story, and then just takes photos as the 'scene' develops. I am so excited about working with him! I have to share some of his work to explain:

( not work safe! nudity )

He also wants to help me in my current theme-project: Body Love. I have been developing ideas in my head, but if anyone has suggestions, feel free to give them to me. I think I am going to do a lot of imitation-classic-paintings, posing like Renoir's, Zorn's, Ruben's models... I need to get more specific ideas though, so if you have ANY ideas on glorifying voluptuousness, celebrating curves, tell me.

After that, I got an urge to stop by the thriftstore, and surprisingly enough Ben was positive about the idea -- he was reading the Fair Tax book by Boortz, so he had entertainment. I went in and found !!! a magazine with a DOVE GIRLS SPREAD and another magazine with THREE of the nike body-positive ads!!! Then I remembered that I had prayed to find a Dove Girls ad (in something other than the Weight Watchers mag, because ugh) -- yay God remembered even though I forgot! aaaaaaaaand, I GOT MY ADS without contributing to the EVIL self-esteem-poison industry!!!! hahahahahaha, they got NO MONIES from me. I am seriously SO pleased about that. ;-D Of course I don't like the mixed message of the Dove ads, but really, I am so delighted to see various body types that I don't care. And I had only seen small, low-res images of the women before -- in the actual ad, I could see that they really DO have very varied body types! Top-heavy, bottom-heavy, slender all over, curvy all over -- so awesome to see! And I am in love with the black woman's belly. just wow. I need a scanner so that I can show the photos to all of you and curvygirls.

And then this guy walked up to me and just struck up a conversation -- quite an interesting guy. We ended up sitting on the floor and talking for about two hours about the interconnectedness of all things, politics, vegetarianism, music, humanity, the future of our world culture -- it was SO amazing. I could tell that he was a little too interested in stamping my mind with his ideas, but since I am now confident enough to handle that, I was able to gain some wisdom from him without feeling squelched. And he was very intelligent -- rarely do I meet a person that makes me feel that he is more intelligent than I. I know part of it was a conscious effort to appear intelligent (I know that shell, I used to wear it!), but he really was brilliant. And like all brilliant people, very intense. I felt sharpened by the experience.

And I was flattered when he asked if my clothing was a reculturization. ;-) I was wearing a headscarf, coin earrings, my black "conform and be dull" top, a long black skirt -- and mismatching socks with tennis shoes. I told him no, I just wear whatever I like -- but I do have a strong connection with gypsy culture. That sparked a thread of conversation on culture, my favorite topic.

I love love LOVE that that happened. I feel like that is what my life is supposed to be like -- me going out and making true connections with the aware people of the world. I am so thrilled that I am secure enough to have a real conversation with a stranger -- and a GUY -- who is MORE intelligent than I! We exchanged email addys. I don't know if I'll contact him or not, but I am pleased that I have the choice.

comments enabled, feel free! I'm feeling much more relaxed about that now.

So we went to the Renaissance Festival with Ben's dad and two of his brothers and Rebecca -- but we really just rode with them, we split up once we got there. Rebecca's Trevor also went with his family, and poor Rebecca spent the whole trip there watching his car through the back window. Heh. (I remember what that felt like)

I wanted very badly to spend lots of money on a corset and undershirt, but alas, Ben made me see reason. I'm kinda glad I didn't buy them right now, because I'd like to shop around first... and also because I may be able to get my costume designer friend jedibubbles to make one for me, possibly for less than it would cost at RenFest. We'll see.

I did buy something fascinating and awesome, though. I went to one vendor and bought a vial filled with "fairy dust," which I then gleefully sprinkled into the wind -- it really did look like magic dust, puffing and swirling on the breezes. I took the vial to a man selling scented oils, and he filled it up for me with "Fire," a vibrant crimson cinnamon-cloves blend -- oh wow. I love love love that scent, even more than cinnamon alone. I put it on and wore it for the rest of the day, catching whiffs of the scent whenever the wind blew. And the vial with it's deep red oil is so gorgeous -- I am certain that it will be featured in future photoshoots. I'll post a photo of it pretty soon. If I had known how much I'd love it I'd have bought his whole bottle -- that was his last RenFest ever, and he was closing up shop. I wonder how long oils last?

I discovered that I have become more of my true self -- I'm shedding my old 'reserved' skin. Throughout the day I saw myself acting with more confidence and ease in speaking to strangers, which is such a relief to me. It isn't me to be quiet or standoffish, yet I've acted that way for most of my life because it was my coping mechanism. As I'm healing, I'm losing my fear of being seen as stupid -- the reason I was 'quiet' was because I lived by the old adage, "better to keep your mouth closed and appear a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt."

One instance was at a glass artist's booth. I saw some dichrotic pendants that were incredible -- each one was like a tiny painting. I was awed, and told the lady "womaning" the booth how impressed I was (most dichrotic glass tends to be fairly random, while this artist obviously had a lot of skill), and asked if they had a website. She said no, they didn't, but would I like to meet the artist? My first reaction (my old self) was no, I'd be too intimidated, but I found myself saying yes, I would. So she called the artist over from a nearby booth, and told her that I admired her work. She said thank you, and looked at me expectantly. I tripped over my words at first, but then I got caught up in enthusing over her work, and we had a bit of conversation and I was relaxed. For me to be relaxed around a stranger that I consider to be superior to me is a completely new experience for me. It was also new to be able to gush about glass with someone who shares my passion. She mentioned that she is based in Savannah, and said that she could teach me how to do it in a day, though it would be a intensive session. I think she liked the idea of teaching someone as obviously in love with glass as I am. In the future I hope to buy some of her pendants for centerpieces for my necklaces.

The other 'new me' example was when we were headed home and stopped at a Subway -- without even thinking I struck up a conversation with the, um, sandwich artist? What do you call a sub-maker? Anyway, that was odd for me because before I started talking to him, he had a rather stand-offish demeanor, and usually I leave people alone if I get any hint that they'd like it that way. (and I used to have no interest at all in small talk -- I've been meaning to post about that) But he warmed up to me really quickly. Something about him seemed terribly sad... When we left I wanted to hug him, but I settled for giving him a real smile (not the polite little turning-up of lips that I usually dole out to strangers) and saying thank you in a very genuine tone. The most interesting thing about that small encounter was that I interpreted him more correctly -- before I would have not been so perceptive, and I would have thought of him as rude or snobby, but he wasn't, not at all. He was hurting, yet so brave. Now that I'm a bit more healed, I don't expect everyone to be mean to me, so I was able to see him more accurately. He made a deep impression on me, too -- I've thought about him several times since then.

So we went to the Renaissance Festival with Ben's dad and two of his brothers and Rebecca -- but we really just rode with them, we split up once we got there. Rebecca's Trevor also went with his family, and poor Rebecca spent the whole trip there watching his car through the back window. Heh. (I remember what that felt like)

I wanted very badly to spend lots of money on a corset and undershirt, but alas, Ben made me see reason. I'm kinda glad I didn't buy them right now, because I'd like to shop around first... and also because I may be able to get my costume designer friend jedibubbles to make one for me, possibly for less than it would cost at RenFest. We'll see.

I did buy something fascinating and awesome, though. I went to one vendor and bought a vial filled with "fairy dust," which I then gleefully sprinkled into the wind -- it really did look like magic dust, puffing and swirling on the breezes. I took the vial to a man selling scented oils, and he filled it up for me with "Fire," a vibrant crimson cinnamon-cloves blend -- oh wow. I love love love that scent, even more than cinnamon alone. I put it on and wore it for the rest of the day, catching whiffs of the scent whenever the wind blew. And the vial with it's deep red oil is so gorgeous -- I am certain that it will be featured in future photoshoots. I'll post a photo of it pretty soon. If I had known how much I'd love it I'd have bought his whole bottle -- that was his last RenFest ever, and he was closing up shop. I wonder how long oils last?

I discovered that I have become more of my true self -- I'm shedding my old 'reserved' skin. Throughout the day I saw myself acting with more confidence and ease in speaking to strangers, which is such a relief to me. It isn't me to be quiet or standoffish, yet I've acted that way for most of my life because it was my coping mechanism. As I'm healing, I'm losing my fear of being seen as stupid -- the reason I was 'quiet' was because I lived by the old adage, "better to keep your mouth closed and appear a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt."

One instance was at a glass artist's booth. I saw some dichrotic pendants that were incredible -- each one was like a tiny painting. I was awed, and told the lady "womaning" the booth how impressed I was (most dichrotic glass tends to be fairly random, while this artist obviously had a lot of skill), and asked if they had a website. She said no, they didn't, but would I like to meet the artist? My first reaction (my old self) was no, I'd be too intimidated, but I found myself saying yes, I would. So she called the artist over from a nearby booth, and told her that I admired her work. She said thank you, and looked at me expectantly. I tripped over my words at first, but then I got caught up in enthusing over her work, and we had a bit of conversation and I was relaxed. For me to be relaxed around a stranger that I consider to be superior to me is a completely new experience for me. It was also new to be able to gush about glass with someone who shares my passion. She mentioned that she is based in Savannah, and said that she could teach me how to do it in a day, though it would be a intensive session. I think she liked the idea of teaching someone as obviously in love with glass as I am. In the future I hope to buy some of her pendants for centerpieces for my necklaces.

The other 'new me' example was when we were headed home and stopped at a Subway -- without even thinking I struck up a conversation with the, um, sandwich artist? What do you call a sub-maker? Anyway, that was odd for me because before I started talking to him, he had a rather stand-offish demeanor, and usually I leave people alone if I get any hint that they'd like it that way. (and I used to have no interest at all in small talk -- I've been meaning to post about that) But he warmed up to me really quickly. Something about him seemed terribly sad... When we left I wanted to hug him, but I settled for giving him a real smile (not the polite little turning-up of lips that I usually dole out to strangers) and saying thank you in a very genuine tone. The most interesting thing about that small encounter was that I interpreted him more correctly -- before I would have not been so perceptive, and I would have thought of him as rude or snobby, but he wasn't, not at all. He was hurting, yet so brave. Now that I'm a bit more healed, I don't expect everyone to be mean to me, so I was able to see him more accurately. He made a deep impression on me, too -- I've thought about him several times since then.

So we went to the Renaissance Festival with Ben's dad and two of his brothers and Rebecca -- but we really just rode with them, we split up once we got there. Rebecca's Trevor also went with his family, and poor Rebecca spent the whole trip there watching his car through the back window. Heh. (I remember what that felt like)

I wanted very badly to spend lots of money on a corset and undershirt, but alas, Ben made me see reason. I'm kinda glad I didn't buy them right now, because I'd like to shop around first... and also because I may be able to get my costume designer friend jedibubbles to make one for me, possibly for less than it would cost at RenFest. We'll see.

I did buy something fascinating and awesome, though. I went to one vendor and bought a vial filled with "fairy dust," which I then gleefully sprinkled into the wind -- it really did look like magic dust, puffing and swirling on the breezes. I took the vial to a man selling scented oils, and he filled it up for me with "Fire," a vibrant crimson cinnamon-cloves blend -- oh wow. I love love love that scent, even more than cinnamon alone. I put it on and wore it for the rest of the day, catching whiffs of the scent whenever the wind blew. And the vial with it's deep red oil is so gorgeous -- I am certain that it will be featured in future photoshoots. I'll post a photo of it pretty soon. If I had known how much I'd love it I'd have bought his whole bottle -- that was his last RenFest ever, and he was closing up shop. I wonder how long oils last?

I discovered that I have become more of my true self -- I'm shedding my old 'reserved' skin. Throughout the day I saw myself acting with more confidence and ease in speaking to strangers, which is such a relief to me. It isn't me to be quiet or standoffish, yet I've acted that way for most of my life because it was my coping mechanism. As I'm healing, I'm losing my fear of being seen as stupid -- the reason I was 'quiet' was because I lived by the old adage, "better to keep your mouth closed and appear a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt."

One instance was at a glass artist's booth. I saw some dichrotic pendants that were incredible -- each one was like a tiny painting. I was awed, and told the lady "womaning" the booth how impressed I was (most dichrotic glass tends to be fairly random, while this artist obviously had a lot of skill), and asked if they had a website. She said no, they didn't, but would I like to meet the artist? My first reaction (my old self) was no, I'd be too intimidated, but I found myself saying yes, I would. So she called the artist over from a nearby booth, and told her that I admired her work. She said thank you, and looked at me expectantly. I tripped over my words at first, but then I got caught up in enthusing over her work, and we had a bit of conversation and I was relaxed. For me to be relaxed around a stranger that I consider to be superior to me is a completely new experience for me. It was also new to be able to gush about glass with someone who shares my passion. She mentioned that she is based in Savannah, and said that she could teach me how to do it in a day, though it would be a intensive session. I think she liked the idea of teaching someone as obviously in love with glass as I am. In the future I hope to buy some of her pendants for centerpieces for my necklaces.

The other 'new me' example was when we were headed home and stopped at a Subway -- without even thinking I struck up a conversation with the, um, sandwich artist? What do you call a sub-maker? Anyway, that was odd for me because before I started talking to him, he had a rather stand-offish demeanor, and usually I leave people alone if I get any hint that they'd like it that way. (and I used to have no interest at all in small talk -- I've been meaning to post about that) But he warmed up to me really quickly. Something about him seemed terribly sad... When we left I wanted to hug him, but I settled for giving him a real smile (not the polite little turning-up of lips that I usually dole out to strangers) and saying thank you in a very genuine tone. The most interesting thing about that small encounter was that I interpreted him more correctly -- before I would have not been so perceptive, and I would have thought of him as rude or snobby, but he wasn't, not at all. He was hurting, yet so brave. Now that I'm a bit more healed, I don't expect everyone to be mean to me, so I was able to see him more accurately. He made a deep impression on me, too -- I've thought about him several times since then.