So I had a date with Evelyn on Saturday that was surprising, nourishing, exciting, scary, and overall quite magical. Part of our time will be described in my my sextalk filter, but this whole experience is so long and complex that I decided it was fine to put it in two separate posts.

I arrived at their house a bit stressed and frazzled from driving an hour (especially since I had to use written-down directions since my phone was cut off for non-payment) and had awkward hellos and then they showed me around the house (which they've just recently moved to). I really like their house, which makes me happy because often I don't like other people's houses -- they're too cluttery or too dirty or too dark or the neighborhood feels packed in like sardines and psychically noisy.

Anyway, after the tour we sat on the couch and their amazingly cute, amazingly sweet devon rex cat housemate, Demeter, came and sat in my lap. I had never met a devon rex before (but have wanted one for like 13+ years because they are beautiful and hypoallergenic) and the curly fur was SO SOFT and the cat was so tentative and delicate in their movements yet not really skittish or (as far as I could tell) anxious.

Evelyn asked me about my life and I talked about frustrations with biofamily, then asked about their life. They didn't know how to answer at first and said that they have been feeling a particular kind of anxious that means they are avoiding something but don't know what it is (I do the same thing) and as they talked around it, the thing that had been weighing on them came up. They looked really sad and I asked if I could lay next to them -- they said yes so I climbed next to them on the couch and pulled them into my arms.

They talked about the thing that was making them so sad and cried, and apologized and said they felt bad for imposing their vulnerability on me. That made me laugh because it is so the opposite of my experience, and they said "I know, I know" when I laughed because they know that I feel it as a gift and not an imposition but still have the guilty response. We cuddled that way and I listened while they talked about it until their housemate arrived home, and then we went upstairs to their room.

We talked a lot for a while, about all kinds of things. I talked about my philosophical stance as an idealist and how I see 'objective' reality as an illusion, that to me all minds contribute a nearly-invisible layer of reality and 'objective' reality is merely the conglomeration of all that, a sort of 'average.' That the more complex a thing is, the easier it is to change the reality of it through thought due to a domino effect. I mentioned my experience of my self as five parts and how my non-physical parts are capable of shapeshifting. I can't remember all we talked about but it was really interesting.

They wanted to be spooned several times, so I asked them what being spooned meant to them and they talked about it: being small, being held. As they talked about it I realized that I do like being spooned also, but I like spooning someone else more. I like that feeling of enveloping someone. They also talked about how they find themselves more and more attracted to traits commonly referred to as masculine. I listened and didn't say much as they seemed to be working out a self-perception, but I think in me they're attracted to my assertiveness and power (which I do not consider masculine, as nothing about me is gendered).

I asked for coffee so Evelyn made french press and we sat in the living room to drink it. Demeter came to sit with us and Evelyn scooped them up and cuddled them, telling me how Demeter had helped them through the emotionally difficult times they've had lately. Evelyn said they had never connected with a cat before (partly due to allergies) and had considered themself a dog person, but that Demeter had changed that. Evelyn blamed the effect on toxoplasmosis, which I like as a general theory but in this case I think it is more about Demeter's personality; they seem very nurturing and sensitive.

We talked about the fetishization of coercion/non-consent, and about my insecurities around the fact that people might like someone being careful with consent, but they don't fetishize it, they don't think of it as actually sexy, and how sometimes that really gets to me. I can't NOT be careful about consent but I don't want to be considered unsexy because I check in and don't do things without discussing it beforehand. They told me that they find it sexy. I think still, not in the way that I mean, but I appreciated them saying that.

They said they want to kiss me and I said I want that too, so we started kissing and then the kisses rapidly got more passionate. They have a kissing style that is very close to mine except that they like pauses; our kisses are a mix between being lip-focused and tongue-focused, almost 50/50. At first I was interpreting their pauses as 'I'm done kissing now' because that is usually what a slight pull away means, but when I asked they said that they just like pauses to highlight the sensation through breaking kisses into separate experiences.

I mostly tried to follow with that and pause when they paused, but sometimes when I get really into it I don't even think about it but just keep kissing. I got a little worried that I was being too continuous-kissing for their liking and stopped to ask, "if I ever do anything you don't like, will you tell me?" and they said yes of course. I really really really love kissing them, despite my occasional impatience with pauses.

Near the end of the evening I asked them if they knew when they might want to see me next, and they hesitated a long time and then told me that they don't feel able to plan purely as their desires call, but have a number of demands on their time that feel beyond their control. We talked about it a little bit, and I said that I understand that, but it will hurt increasingly the more I invest. I expressed that I can be patient, and tend to be, but that it is not sustainable for me and I won't be able to handle it forever.

I find it easier when people just don't want time with me than when they want time with me and vice versa but we can't have it because of an external factor that is neither necessary nor desired. (for instance when someone's boss demands unpaid overtime work -- it is hugely more bothersome when something like THAT prevents me spending time with someone than if they actually got paid for it and needed the extra money) It's essentially the reason that Kylei and I are on hiatus right now; too much trying to make it work with incompatible external factors just wears me out. Also if I am connected to someone who has a lot of drains on THEIR energy then I tend to end up drained by proxy. It's not a big deal right now, but I know it can become one, so I wanted to be up front about it. They seemed understanding, and thanked me for my patience.

They are outrageously beautiful and sexy to me and I remarked on this several times, to which they responded with hiding their face and laughing in seeming disbelief (with maybe/hopefully some happiness to it). I told them that they will eventually get used to it because I will do it a lot! I feel very strongly about them and so I notice every gorgeous aspect, and they have several aspects that I find aesthetically pleasing as well.

One feature I find sooo aesthetically pleasing is their lower eyelid shape -- their lower lid comes part-way up the curve of the eye, enough that there is a crease under the eye. I don't know why I find this so beautiful but I do! (Angelina Jolie has lower eyelids like that, which is one of the reasons I find them so aesthetically pleasing) Evelyn also has very mobile eyebrows, lips that are very sharply defined, a full lower lip, and very pronounced smile lines as well as dimples! all of which I adore because it makes the face seem more expressive to me. And their face is very expressive overall, and their eye color is gorgeous, and their smile is so radiant! I am more than a little smitten.