My country is the internet; my state is the mid-90s to the mid-00s, and my city is Livejournal, though I have lived in other cities for short periods of time, and I visit other cities often.


My experience with the internet began with AOL on Windows 95. I used the internet to download midi files of music I liked, endlessly search for info on my favorite musical artists, and find people to chat eagerly with about music or about God (my two obsessions at the time). I made some pretty intense friendships, one with a white guy in Canada, and one with a black guy somewhere in the Midwest. I didn't seek out guys, I don't think, but there just weren't any girls my age that I could find (and at that point I didn't know that nonbinary people existed). My friendships with those two highly ethical and thoughtful people allowed me to create healthy expectations of male behavior, rather than accepting selfishness and disrespect as 'normal' which would have been the case if I did not have access to the internet.

During the early days of my interaction with the internet, my use was limited to chatting, searching for information, and exploring the Anotherworld MUD. Then at age 20 I took an intro computer course which was utter shit but one of the assignments changed my life: we had to make a simple webpage with the most basic coding. I found this really fun and started teaching myself HTML, building two websites from bare code. I probably spent more than 200 hours on them over the course of the next three years. No one I knew ever cared much about this project, but I loved it so much I didn't need external interest to keep it going. I did get interesting and meaningful responses in the guestbook of my site, particularly about my anti-racist stance. This is where I developed my ethic of content creation and self-education: I shared what I made, and when I wanted to do something I trained myself on how to do it. This was no small feat, because how-to resources were still scanty at the time.


At the same time, Allison (who is now my oldest friendship) introduced me to LiveJournal. I joined first as a way to stay in touch with Allison and it quickly took on an important role in my life. I met new people through add-me communities and through shared-interest communities. This is where I developed my norm for getting to know people: if I thought they were interesting I added them to my friends list and consumed their online content. If the interest was mutual and they added me back, I would respond to their posts and have turn-based conversations. I rarely had any direct interaction at first -- I only commented if they required it before adding them, and most of the time if they required that I just didn't add them.

That is how I would prefer to be able to get to know anyone; indirectly and not in real time but with intensely intimate levels of sharing. It's a strong enough norm for me that I can rarely have a lasting or nourishing connection with someone who doesn't share intimacies indirectly. It's usually too hard for me to sync up in real time, but I need that level of intense sharing to feel nourished and to maintain investment. But I've realized that in most places, getting to know someone indirectly first is considered 'weird' at best and people often refer to it as 'stalking' which I find utterly baffling. I accept that it's taboo and I don't talk about it to out-of-towners, but where I'm from, that's just how you do it! (obviously I don't look at anything that's not set to 'public' because that's creepy)

Also at this intense time of change, I started going to group therapy. Through the group therapy I started learning to be vulnerable with others, and within a few months I dedicated my journal to openness and honesty. It was a difficult project for a long time, because only a few months into my LJ life I started having flashbacks to childhood sexual abuse (sparked by having consensual penetrative sex for the first time). I began going to therapy weekly, and it got worse before it got better.

So for about two years I could not leave my house without someone by my side, and I had no local friends so I rarely went out. The internet saved me: I built real friendships to a depth I never had before. For the first time in my life, people sharing freely with me happened on a daily basis instead of once or twice a year. This was the first time in my life I truly felt like I belonged and like I understood how to interact in a way that would be appreciated. I rapidly dismantled my inner barriers to openness, and what I didn't dismantle was destroyed for me. It became important to me to share my own story in a public way, because I knew I was not the only one dealing with recovery from abuse. That built my immunity to trolling because when people mock you for being an abuse victim, there's not much lower they can go.


In late 2004 I also came across a community celebrating hourglass shapes and when the owner deleted it due to fighting over what counted, I decided to make a better version. I created a body-positive community with the idea of it being for medium people, like I was at the time (size 10) since there were fat positive communities but they had a minimum size requirement. But as people much smaller and larger than me joined, my idea rapidly changed, because the idea of excluding people for being 'too much' or 'not enough' was not okay to me. Within a few months, it was for anyone who self-identified as curvy, regardless of size or gender. This community was like a commune, a gathering of people who I mostly didn't know but who all were working together on the same beautiful project. It was home and work and family all at once; I took it from one person to more than 1,300, and it remained a thriving community for about four years.

That community was where I learned to love myself, and I got to watch lots of others do it too. It also brought me and Hannah together, which was a whole new experience because for the first time I met someone who was better at questioning and being open than I was. Hannah and I would regularly spend 9+ hours talking and sharing: we'd write on LJ and read each others' writing, we'd explore deviantart and share favorite works with each other, and just talk endlessly on gchat.



Deviantart was, for a time, almost as important as LJ to me. It's where I shared my artistic nudes and developed immunity about people expressing disgust toward my body. I also experienced so many people thanking me for sharing and telling me that it helped them to see their own beauty. DeviantArt is the town where I developed myself as a public artist, and I had some celebrity for a short time, but now my style has evolved so much that no one recognizes it as mine when I put up a new piece. It's a place I visit once in a blue moon to look at my old work on the walls, but all the artists I loved there moved away so even the nostalgia is dusty. I can't bring myself to stay long enough to get invested in the art circles there anymore.

Twitter was paramount for about a year in 2011; I kept up daily and interacted often. I was put off by the lack of reciprocity: I was following and interacting with people who never read my tweets and it felt cliquish. I learned a lot from the feminists there, esp the trans and WOC feminists, but it was more like a newspaper than like a social space. In a lot of ways it reminds me of my college experience: no matter how much effort I put in, no one wanted to connect at more than a surface level. Twitter is a city I drive through almost every day but never stop anymore; the roads where people live are confusing and parking is fucking torture, so I just go on through.



I got a facebook initially due to curiosity, kept it because of its value at organizing gathers, and slowly began spending more time there as my local activist network developed. Over the past two years it has become a more real space for me, as people have begun interacting with me more, but it still feels somewhat alien. Facebook feels like the building where I work: I go there often, but always in costume while leaving my more scandalous self at home. Without ever consciously deciding to, I had developed a habit of restricted my sharing on fb because fb culture is so pro-judgement. Once I realized this, I began working to bring more of myself into my facebook life because I don't actually want to make it more difficult to get to know me. Facebook will never be home, but I am making it into a workplace where I can be more of myself.


There were several shakeups here on LJ over the years and I lost friends to vox, wordpress, blogger, dreamwidth, and even facebook, but still I remain here. My LJ friends list is like a neighborhood where every single house is owned by a friend of mine. The idea of moving is absurd and always will be unless most of my friends move away. Even when it was mostly empty for a few years, I stayed in the hopes people would return, and eventually filled up those houses with new friends. Now, I have a small handful of friends who returned but most of my neighborhood is people I have met within the past three years (and I have been on LJ for more than 13 years).

I get so excited when I meet someone who is also from the internet, and even more so when I meet someone from livejournal. I imagine it is how other people feel when they live far from a hometown that they love, and then they meet someone from there. I might not get along with everyone from LJ, but if they have lived here a while, I immediately know we share similar values in a lot of ways. Especially if they love it here as much as I do.

Words and actions are like clothing; we can express ourselves with them, but they cannot describe the person we are. They can hint, they can shout, but they cannot sum us up. People are simply too complex, and too much of us exists in a place where no one can see actions or hear words. The only label that has any worth is our self-label: the words we choose to dress ourselves in. And even those have no worth until we explain our own meaning for them.

On that note, here are the words I wear: spiritual, creative, honest, open, compassionate, bisexual, polyamorous, partnered, nuevo-gypsy, Georgian, curvy body-positive, fiercely individualistic, feminist/equalist, genderfree female-bodied person. (in no particular order) And my definitions:

spiritual: I don't adhere to any one religion, but believe in whatever resonates with me. The main belief systems I draw from are ancient Egyptian concepts (including aspects of Kemetic Orthodoxy), Native American animism, Christianity, and Buddhism (I don't know much about it but I really love Hotei). I worship God/dess, and have a relationship with several of hir personalities, of Christian and Kemetic names. Ultimately I believe God/dess is love, that the physical world is a metaphor for the spiritual world, and that we chose to come to earth to learn how to love more. I believe everything is connected, all things have a spirit and a name, and there is no such thing as a coincidence.

creative: I am one who creates. I do my best to create love in myself and others, and to pour myself out in my creations: my writing, photography, modeling, beadweaving, painting, dancing, singing -- whatever way I can. I believe that every act of creation ripples out and changes the world (as does destruction, but that in a negative way). Even if no one ever sees my art, I feel I have changed the world simply by creating it (though I think it has even more power when shared).

honest: I do my best to never lie. I think 'little white lies' are like 'little white maggots' that infest connectedness and ruin it. Even one 'little white maggot' in a bowl of soup is going to make you not want to eat it -- I feel the same way about lies. If you can't trust me on something small, how can you trust me with your heart? also, little white maggotlies are usually born from insecurity in the relationship, or lack of willingness to work out all issues. 'I don't want to offend her' or 'I don't want conflict.' Conflict is the best source of growth. I say brrrrring it oooooooon.

open: I will share myself with my friends without prompting, and I will share myself with strangers upon them showing the interest to know. I think every time one person shares themselves with another, that creates more of a connection and ripples out to affect the whole world. To me, honesty is giving truth when it is asked for (passive), and openness is offering your truth (active).

compassionate: My most intense passion in life is to learn, in order to grow, and to grow, in order to love - more deeply, more freely, more openly. I believe love is my purpose for being. The more I love people, the easier it gets, because I come to understand them more, and when you truly understand a person, it's the easiest and most natural thing in the world to love them. I believe that at core we are all amazing, glorious spirits of incalculable worth. We all have a level of brokenness that keeps our spirits from being able to shine as they were meant to, but every act of love ripples out a wave of healing.

bisexual: ( ... )
polyamorous: ( ... )
partnered: ( ... )
nuevo-gypsy, Georgian: ( ... )
curvy body-positive: ( ... )
fiercely individualistic: ( ... )
feminist/equalist: ( ... )
nudist: ( ... )
genderfree female-bodied person: ( ... )

LJ idol topic 0: introduction/open topic (no voting this round!)

Words and actions are like clothing; we can express ourselves with them, but they cannot describe the person we are. They can hint, they can shout, but they cannot sum us up. People are simply too complex, and too much of us exists in a place where no one can see actions or hear words. The only label that has any worth is our self-label: the words we choose to dress ourselves in. And even those have no worth until we explain our own meaning for them.

On that note, here are the words I wear: spiritual, creative, honest, open, compassionate, bisexual, polyamorous, partnered, nuevo-gypsy, Georgian, curvy body-positive, fiercely individualistic, feminist/equalist, genderfree female-bodied person. (in no particular order) And my definitions:

spiritual: I don't adhere to any one religion, but believe in whatever resonates with me. The main belief systems I draw from are ancient Egyptian concepts (including aspects of Kemetic Orthodoxy), Native American animism, Christianity, and Buddhism (I don't know much about it but I really love Hotei). I worship God/dess, and have a relationship with several of hir personalities, of Christian and Kemetic names. Ultimately I believe God/dess is love, that the physical world is a metaphor for the spiritual world, and that we chose to come to earth to learn how to love more. I believe everything is connected, all things have a spirit and a name, and there is no such thing as a coincidence.

creative: I am one who creates. I do my best to create love in myself and others, and to pour myself out in my creations: my writing, photography, modeling, beadweaving, painting, dancing, singing -- whatever way I can. I believe that every act of creation ripples out and changes the world (as does destruction, but that in a negative way). Even if no one ever sees my art, I feel I have changed the world simply by creating it (though I think it has even more power when shared).

honest: I do my best to never lie. I think 'little white lies' are like 'little white maggots' that infest connectedness and ruin it. Even one 'little white maggot' in a bowl of soup is going to make you not want to eat it -- I feel the same way about lies. If you can't trust me on something small, how can you trust me with your heart? also, little white maggotlies are usually born from insecurity in the relationship, or lack of willingness to work out all issues. 'I don't want to offend her' or 'I don't want conflict.' Conflict is the best source of growth. I say brrrrring it oooooooon.

open: I will share myself with my friends without prompting, and I will share myself with strangers upon them showing the interest to know. I think every time one person shares themselves with another, that creates more of a connection and ripples out to affect the whole world. To me, honesty is giving truth when it is asked for (passive), and openness is offering your truth (active).

compassionate: My most intense passion in life is to learn, in order to grow, and to grow, in order to love - more deeply, more freely, more openly. I believe love is my purpose for being. The more I love people, the easier it gets, because I come to understand them more, and when you truly understand a person, it's the easiest and most natural thing in the world to love them. I believe that at core we are all amazing, glorious spirits of incalculable worth. We all have a level of brokenness that keeps our spirits from being able to shine as they were meant to, but every act of love ripples out a wave of healing.

bisexual: ( ... )
polyamorous: ( ... )
partnered: ( ... )
nuevo-gypsy, Georgian: ( ... )
curvy body-positive: ( ... )
fiercely individualistic: ( ... )
feminist/equalist: ( ... )
nudist: ( ... )
genderfree female-bodied person: ( ... )

LJ idol topic 0: introduction/open topic (no voting this round!)

Words and actions are like clothing; we can express ourselves with them, but they cannot describe the person we are. They can hint, they can shout, but they cannot sum us up. People are simply too complex, and too much of us exists in a place where no one can see actions or hear words. The only label that has any worth is our self-label: the words we choose to dress ourselves in. And even those have no worth until we explain our own meaning for them.

On that note, here are the words I wear: spiritual, creative, honest, open, compassionate, bisexual, polyamorous, partnered, nuevo-gypsy, Georgian, curvy body-positive, fiercely individualistic, feminist/equalist, genderfree female-bodied person. (in no particular order) And my definitions:

spiritual: I don't adhere to any one religion, but believe in whatever resonates with me. The main belief systems I draw from are ancient Egyptian concepts (including aspects of Kemetic Orthodoxy), Native American animism, Christianity, and Buddhism (I don't know much about it but I really love Hotei). I worship God/dess, and have a relationship with several of hir personalities, of Christian and Kemetic names. Ultimately I believe God/dess is love, that the physical world is a metaphor for the spiritual world, and that we chose to come to earth to learn how to love more. I believe everything is connected, all things have a spirit and a name, and there is no such thing as a coincidence.

creative: I am one who creates. I do my best to create love in myself and others, and to pour myself out in my creations: my writing, photography, modeling, beadweaving, painting, dancing, singing -- whatever way I can. I believe that every act of creation ripples out and changes the world (as does destruction, but that in a negative way). Even if no one ever sees my art, I feel I have changed the world simply by creating it (though I think it has even more power when shared).

honest: I do my best to never lie. I think 'little white lies' are like 'little white maggots' that infest connectedness and ruin it. Even one 'little white maggot' in a bowl of soup is going to make you not want to eat it -- I feel the same way about lies. If you can't trust me on something small, how can you trust me with your heart? also, little white maggotlies are usually born from insecurity in the relationship, or lack of willingness to work out all issues. 'I don't want to offend her' or 'I don't want conflict.' Conflict is the best source of growth. I say brrrrring it oooooooon.

open: I will share myself with my friends without prompting, and I will share myself with strangers upon them showing the interest to know. I think every time one person shares themselves with another, that creates more of a connection and ripples out to affect the whole world. To me, honesty is giving truth when it is asked for (passive), and openness is offering your truth (active).

compassionate: My most intense passion in life is to learn, in order to grow, and to grow, in order to love - more deeply, more freely, more openly. I believe love is my purpose for being. The more I love people, the easier it gets, because I come to understand them more, and when you truly understand a person, it's the easiest and most natural thing in the world to love them. I believe that at core we are all amazing, glorious spirits of incalculable worth. We all have a level of brokenness that keeps our spirits from being able to shine as they were meant to, but every act of love ripples out a wave of healing.

bisexual: ( ... )
polyamorous: ( ... )
partnered: ( ... )
nuevo-gypsy, Georgian: ( ... )
curvy body-positive: ( ... )
fiercely individualistic: ( ... )
feminist/equalist: ( ... )
nudist: ( ... )
genderfree female-bodied person: ( ... )

LJ idol topic 0: introduction/open topic (no voting this round!)

I have so much to say... Meliae called me Wednesday and I must have talked nonstop for at least half an hour just summarizing all that has gone on! To uncork the bottle:

- my camera broke! :-( Halfway through the visit, it stopped going into shooting mode, and I left it alone for a while before replacing the batteries (it did that before on low battery), and when I finally put new batteries in it still didn't work. I've been without a camera for like three weeks now and it's really depressing. :-( For a long while now I've been carrying it everywhere, it's become a big part of my life and now it's gone... It's 3.5 years old, so it was its time I guess, but that doesn't make me feel better. Rest in peace, Spyder.
- Hannah's visit was by turns beautiful, horrible, exciting, dull, healing, & painful. She left early for several reasons, mainly because we just didn't have the energy to balance against each other for another 2 weeks. The visit was really draining, but really important, and very necessary. I have a loooooot to write about that, don't want to get started right now.
- Meeting Nick was awesome! I want to make a post about it so I'll save details for later.
- my partner and I have been working on our relationship, with huge steps forward... also deserves a post of its own!
- My parents have invited my partner and I to go on vacation with them and lil sis at the end of August and we've accepted. o.0
- I'm worried that I'm being frozen out by some friends who are really important to me, and I've been too wimpy so far to confront the issue.
- I'm sooooo disappointed that Meliae can only visit for 3 days. I had it in my head that she was going to stay a week (don't assume, Bel!) and now I'm sad... but still very happy that I get to meet her soon.
- Last Saturday I went to church for the first time in over a year! It was fantastic and I've been looking for churches to try. I went looking for GLBT inclusive ones and they all seemed too conservative -- wtf? it was like they thought they had to make up for their 'progressiveness' by having bland (to my taste) worship, wearing fancy clothes and having traditional-style preaching. But I found a few that seemed interesting enough to try.
- I spent ages today catching up on approving members to the curvygirls comm! finally caught up. I've been such a bad mod for the past month.

Hopefully I will be getting back into LJ f'real now. I didn't have time to do more than skim during the visit, so please give me links to any recent posts of yours that you think I'd find especially interesting or that you want my input on!

I have so much to say... Meliae called me Wednesday and I must have talked nonstop for at least half an hour just summarizing all that has gone on! To uncork the bottle:

- my camera broke! :-( Halfway through the visit, it stopped going into shooting mode, and I left it alone for a while before replacing the batteries (it did that before on low battery), and when I finally put new batteries in it still didn't work. I've been without a camera for like three weeks now and it's really depressing. :-( For a long while now I've been carrying it everywhere, it's become a big part of my life and now it's gone... It's 3.5 years old, so it was its time I guess, but that doesn't make me feel better. Rest in peace, Spyder.
- Hannah's visit was by turns beautiful, horrible, exciting, dull, healing, & painful. She left early for several reasons, mainly because we just didn't have the energy to balance against each other for another 2 weeks. The visit was really draining, but really important, and very necessary. I have a loooooot to write about that, don't want to get started right now.
- Meeting Nick was awesome! I want to make a post about it so I'll save details for later.
- my partner and I have been working on our relationship, with huge steps forward... also deserves a post of its own!
- My parents have invited my partner and I to go on vacation with them and lil sis at the end of August and we've accepted. o.0
- I'm worried that I'm being frozen out by some friends who are really important to me, and I've been too wimpy so far to confront the issue.
- I'm sooooo disappointed that Meliae can only visit for 3 days. I had it in my head that she was going to stay a week (don't assume, Bel!) and now I'm sad... but still very happy that I get to meet her soon.
- Last Saturday I went to church for the first time in over a year! It was fantastic and I've been looking for churches to try. I went looking for GLBT inclusive ones and they all seemed too conservative -- wtf? it was like they thought they had to make up for their 'progressiveness' by having bland (to my taste) worship, wearing fancy clothes and having traditional-style preaching. But I found a few that seemed interesting enough to try.
- I spent ages today catching up on approving members to the curvygirls comm! finally caught up. I've been such a bad mod for the past month.

Hopefully I will be getting back into LJ f'real now. I didn't have time to do more than skim during the visit, so please give me links to any recent posts of yours that you think I'd find especially interesting or that you want my input on!

I have so much to say... Meliae called me Wednesday and I must have talked nonstop for at least half an hour just summarizing all that has gone on! To uncork the bottle:

- my camera broke! :-( Halfway through the visit, it stopped going into shooting mode, and I left it alone for a while before replacing the batteries (it did that before on low battery), and when I finally put new batteries in it still didn't work. I've been without a camera for like three weeks now and it's really depressing. :-( For a long while now I've been carrying it everywhere, it's become a big part of my life and now it's gone... It's 3.5 years old, so it was its time I guess, but that doesn't make me feel better. Rest in peace, Spyder.
- Hannah's visit was by turns beautiful, horrible, exciting, dull, healing, & painful. She left early for several reasons, mainly because we just didn't have the energy to balance against each other for another 2 weeks. The visit was really draining, but really important, and very necessary. I have a loooooot to write about that, don't want to get started right now.
- Meeting Nick was awesome! I want to make a post about it so I'll save details for later.
- my partner and I have been working on our relationship, with huge steps forward... also deserves a post of its own!
- My parents have invited my partner and I to go on vacation with them and lil sis at the end of August and we've accepted. o.0
- I'm worried that I'm being frozen out by some friends who are really important to me, and I've been too wimpy so far to confront the issue.
- I'm sooooo disappointed that Meliae can only visit for 3 days. I had it in my head that she was going to stay a week (don't assume, Bel!) and now I'm sad... but still very happy that I get to meet her soon.
- Last Saturday I went to church for the first time in over a year! It was fantastic and I've been looking for churches to try. I went looking for GLBT inclusive ones and they all seemed too conservative -- wtf? it was like they thought they had to make up for their 'progressiveness' by having bland (to my taste) worship, wearing fancy clothes and having traditional-style preaching. But I found a few that seemed interesting enough to try.
- I spent ages today catching up on approving members to the curvygirls comm! finally caught up. I've been such a bad mod for the past month.

Hopefully I will be getting back into LJ f'real now. I didn't have time to do more than skim during the visit, so please give me links to any recent posts of yours that you think I'd find especially interesting or that you want my input on!

Thank you so much, so very much, everyone who offered support and comfort on my last post ♥ I wish I could fully express how much I needed it, and how grateful I am that you gave it. Thank you, thank you.

"Love is possible only if two persons communicate with each other
from the center of their existence... only in this 'central experience'
is human reality, only here is aliveness, only here is the basis for love."
-- Erich Fromm (quoted in Kiss Me Again, my second-favorite movie)

Everything's been so much better between my partner and I since we had that huge discussion on Sunday (and small, intense discussions every day since then). I can't describe how odd it feels to be living with someone whom I don't really know -- and considering bonding with him. He says that he feels sure that as I get to know the real him, we'll be a wonderful match. He's kinda excited, actually, about the awakening he's going through. I'm bewildered by the sudden changes, but I am glad that he's being kind, and I'm hopeful about the future. Not hoping for anything in particular, just hopeful that however this turns out, it's better than the path we were on.

everything feels so surreal.

I don't know, everything is so confusing. I've been terribly scatter-brained (went to stores FOUR TIMES for various jewelry supplies for the same set), and at the same time, so much more motivated than usual. I've been meaning to try out Curves for a while (ever since someone in curvygirls mentioned that it was a body-positive place to get healthy) and finally did so this week. ( ... )

Thank you so much, so very much, everyone who offered support and comfort on my last post ♥ I wish I could fully express how much I needed it, and how grateful I am that you gave it. Thank you, thank you.

"Love is possible only if two persons communicate with each other
from the center of their existence... only in this 'central experience'
is human reality, only here is aliveness, only here is the basis for love."
-- Erich Fromm (quoted in Kiss Me Again, my second-favorite movie)

Everything's been so much better between my partner and I since we had that huge discussion on Sunday (and small, intense discussions every day since then). I can't describe how odd it feels to be living with someone whom I don't really know -- and considering bonding with him. He says that he feels sure that as I get to know the real him, we'll be a wonderful match. He's kinda excited, actually, about the awakening he's going through. I'm bewildered by the sudden changes, but I am glad that he's being kind, and I'm hopeful about the future. Not hoping for anything in particular, just hopeful that however this turns out, it's better than the path we were on.

everything feels so surreal.

I don't know, everything is so confusing. I've been terribly scatter-brained (went to stores FOUR TIMES for various jewelry supplies for the same set), and at the same time, so much more motivated than usual. I've been meaning to try out Curves for a while (ever since someone in curvygirls mentioned that it was a body-positive place to get healthy) and finally did so this week. ( ... )

Thank you so much, so very much, everyone who offered support and comfort on my last post ♥ I wish I could fully express how much I needed it, and how grateful I am that you gave it. Thank you, thank you.

"Love is possible only if two persons communicate with each other
from the center of their existence... only in this 'central experience'
is human reality, only here is aliveness, only here is the basis for love."
-- Erich Fromm (quoted in Kiss Me Again, my second-favorite movie)

Everything's been so much better between my partner and I since we had that huge discussion on Sunday (and small, intense discussions every day since then). I can't describe how odd it feels to be living with someone whom I don't really know -- and considering bonding with him. He says that he feels sure that as I get to know the real him, we'll be a wonderful match. He's kinda excited, actually, about the awakening he's going through. I'm bewildered by the sudden changes, but I am glad that he's being kind, and I'm hopeful about the future. Not hoping for anything in particular, just hopeful that however this turns out, it's better than the path we were on.

everything feels so surreal.

I don't know, everything is so confusing. I've been terribly scatter-brained (went to stores FOUR TIMES for various jewelry supplies for the same set), and at the same time, so much more motivated than usual. I've been meaning to try out Curves for a while (ever since someone in curvygirls mentioned that it was a body-positive place to get healthy) and finally did so this week. ( ... )

Today is my one-year anniversary of soulfriendship with Hannah!!!
((short definition of soulfriendship: a permanent (no-matter-what) relationship where we are completely open and honest with each other, include each other in every aspect of our lives, and continually help each other to grow and change)) I've been so excited! I've been a believer in soulfriendship for years, but never had 'proof' that it could really work. Now I do, because it has. ♥ ((I plan to do a new in-depth description of soulfriendship soon))

One year ago today, we decided to commit soulfriendship to each other. This has been SUCH a force of positive change and growth in both of us, and even though it has often been hard, it has been a fantastic bargain -- the reward is worth the pain, many times over. Developing this soulfriendship has taught me so incredibly much about life and love and the human spirit. And because we are so alike and we entered the relationship with such clear goals, I've learned as much in a year with this soulfriendship than I learned in five years with my soulfriendship with my husband. It has also improved my marriage immeasurably because I know so much more about communication.

I wish I could put into words the ways in which this relationship has changed my life. I don't think I can even fully comprehend it! I have learned that openness and honesty is ALWAYS rewarding; that if both people are willing, anything can be worked through -- even if the pain feels like it is going to destroy you; and that an incredibly intimate relationship can be totally platonic (something that is not often believed).

I think the area in which I have grown the most is simply believing in the human spirit. Hannah reflects me, and truths that I considered on my own, I see in her and can fully feel the truth of them. I've never met anyone (besides myself of course) who believes in the spirit world as intensely and comprehensively. She's my spirit-twin: we are so nearly identical in spirit that it was shocking when we first began to get to know each other, because we felt the SAME WAY on so many things! After a while, it became shocking to find a way in which we were different. ;-) We're not exactly the same of course, and much of us is yet-to-be-developed, so we often have conversations about things which we have incomplete ideas on, and we clash those ideas together until we hone them to definition. Usually they end up being the same, but every now and then we end up disagreeing, which is just as fun because that simply means it is a subject for many more conversations.

Hannah is amazing... She's so passionate, so deep and thoughtful. When I read her writing, I feel like I'm slipping into a deep, quiet pool in the middle of the forest. She's so brave; she faces her pain, doesn't deny or belittle it but challenges it head-on. She believes in the inherent worth of every human being, in seeking knowledge and growth, in sharing oneself with another, in the power of creativity to bring positive change. I admire her so very much and feel incredibly honored to have her as my soulfriend.

( my favorite (clothed) photos of hannah, and of hannah and I -- yes, actually worksafe! )

Today is my one-year anniversary of soulfriendship with Hannah!!!
((short definition of soulfriendship: a permanent (no-matter-what) relationship where we are completely open and honest with each other, include each other in every aspect of our lives, and continually help each other to grow and change)) I've been so excited! I've been a believer in soulfriendship for years, but never had 'proof' that it could really work. Now I do, because it has. ♥ ((I plan to do a new in-depth description of soulfriendship soon))

One year ago today, we decided to commit soulfriendship to each other. This has been SUCH a force of positive change and growth in both of us, and even though it has often been hard, it has been a fantastic bargain -- the reward is worth the pain, many times over. Developing this soulfriendship has taught me so incredibly much about life and love and the human spirit. And because we are so alike and we entered the relationship with such clear goals, I've learned as much in a year with this soulfriendship than I learned in five years with my soulfriendship with my husband. It has also improved my marriage immeasurably because I know so much more about communication.

I wish I could put into words the ways in which this relationship has changed my life. I don't think I can even fully comprehend it! I have learned that openness and honesty is ALWAYS rewarding; that if both people are willing, anything can be worked through -- even if the pain feels like it is going to destroy you; and that an incredibly intimate relationship can be totally platonic (something that is not often believed).

I think the area in which I have grown the most is simply believing in the human spirit. Hannah reflects me, and truths that I considered on my own, I see in her and can fully feel the truth of them. I've never met anyone (besides myself of course) who believes in the spirit world as intensely and comprehensively. She's my spirit-twin: we are so nearly identical in spirit that it was shocking when we first began to get to know each other, because we felt the SAME WAY on so many things! After a while, it became shocking to find a way in which we were different. ;-) We're not exactly the same of course, and much of us is yet-to-be-developed, so we often have conversations about things which we have incomplete ideas on, and we clash those ideas together until we hone them to definition. Usually they end up being the same, but every now and then we end up disagreeing, which is just as fun because that simply means it is a subject for many more conversations.

Hannah is amazing... She's so passionate, so deep and thoughtful. When I read her writing, I feel like I'm slipping into a deep, quiet pool in the middle of the forest. She's so brave; she faces her pain, doesn't deny or belittle it but challenges it head-on. She believes in the inherent worth of every human being, in seeking knowledge and growth, in sharing oneself with another, in the power of creativity to bring positive change. I admire her so very much and feel incredibly honored to have her as my soulfriend.

( my favorite (clothed) photos of hannah, and of hannah and I -- yes, actually worksafe! )

Today is my one-year anniversary of soulfriendship with Hannah!!!
((short definition of soulfriendship: a permanent (no-matter-what) relationship where we are completely open and honest with each other, include each other in every aspect of our lives, and continually help each other to grow and change)) I've been so excited! I've been a believer in soulfriendship for years, but never had 'proof' that it could really work. Now I do, because it has. ♥ ((I plan to do a new in-depth description of soulfriendship soon))

One year ago today, we decided to commit soulfriendship to each other. This has been SUCH a force of positive change and growth in both of us, and even though it has often been hard, it has been a fantastic bargain -- the reward is worth the pain, many times over. Developing this soulfriendship has taught me so incredibly much about life and love and the human spirit. And because we are so alike and we entered the relationship with such clear goals, I've learned as much in a year with this soulfriendship than I learned in five years with my soulfriendship with my husband. It has also improved my marriage immeasurably because I know so much more about communication.

I wish I could put into words the ways in which this relationship has changed my life. I don't think I can even fully comprehend it! I have learned that openness and honesty is ALWAYS rewarding; that if both people are willing, anything can be worked through -- even if the pain feels like it is going to destroy you; and that an incredibly intimate relationship can be totally platonic (something that is not often believed).

I think the area in which I have grown the most is simply believing in the human spirit. Hannah reflects me, and truths that I considered on my own, I see in her and can fully feel the truth of them. I've never met anyone (besides myself of course) who believes in the spirit world as intensely and comprehensively. She's my spirit-twin: we are so nearly identical in spirit that it was shocking when we first began to get to know each other, because we felt the SAME WAY on so many things! After a while, it became shocking to find a way in which we were different. ;-) We're not exactly the same of course, and much of us is yet-to-be-developed, so we often have conversations about things which we have incomplete ideas on, and we clash those ideas together until we hone them to definition. Usually they end up being the same, but every now and then we end up disagreeing, which is just as fun because that simply means it is a subject for many more conversations.

Hannah is amazing... She's so passionate, so deep and thoughtful. When I read her writing, I feel like I'm slipping into a deep, quiet pool in the middle of the forest. She's so brave; she faces her pain, doesn't deny or belittle it but challenges it head-on. She believes in the inherent worth of every human being, in seeking knowledge and growth, in sharing oneself with another, in the power of creativity to bring positive change. I admire her so very much and feel incredibly honored to have her as my soulfriend.

( my favorite (clothed) photos of hannah, and of hannah and I -- yes, actually worksafe! )

belated Happy Birthday to katielilie and Happy Birthday to thesaj!

curvygirls has a theme going this month called "Their Favorite Part." Basically, our friends tell us what their favorite part of us is and why, and we post their reasons along with photos. SO!

What is your favorite physical feature of mine and why? (face/hair excluded) if you need photos to decide, here's my gallery. :D

belated Happy Birthday to katielilie and Happy Birthday to thesaj!

curvygirls has a theme going this month called "Their Favorite Part." Basically, our friends tell us what their favorite part of us is and why, and we post their reasons along with photos. SO!

What is your favorite physical feature of mine and why? (face/hair excluded) if you need photos to decide, here's my gallery. :D

belated Happy Birthday to katielilie and Happy Birthday to thesaj!

curvygirls has a theme going this month called "Their Favorite Part." Basically, our friends tell us what their favorite part of us is and why, and we post their reasons along with photos. SO!

What is your favorite physical feature of mine and why? (face/hair excluded) if you need photos to decide, here's my gallery. :D

eek eeek eeeek!!!!!!!

I just sent an email to two of the women at my church who are organizing a panel discussion called "Going Beyond Your Weight," offering to speak. now I am so jittery-nervous-eeeeeeeeeeek... especially since one of the women is the wife to the pastor. ( here's the email )

and in the jittery but body-positive spirit of the moment, a new curvygirls shirt design! Same quote as an older design, but more eye-catching.

eek eeek eeeek!!!!!!!

I just sent an email to two of the women at my church who are organizing a panel discussion called "Going Beyond Your Weight," offering to speak. now I am so jittery-nervous-eeeeeeeeeeek... especially since one of the women is the wife to the pastor. ( here's the email )

and in the jittery but body-positive spirit of the moment, a new curvygirls shirt design! Same quote as an older design, but more eye-catching.

eek eeek eeeek!!!!!!!

I just sent an email to two of the women at my church who are organizing a panel discussion called "Going Beyond Your Weight," offering to speak. now I am so jittery-nervous-eeeeeeeeeeek... especially since one of the women is the wife to the pastor. ( here's the email )

and in the jittery but body-positive spirit of the moment, a new curvygirls shirt design! Same quote as an older design, but more eye-catching.

Wild Woman by Willow Arlenea

My totem animal, the dragonfly, lives as a nymph for a while, shedding her skin many times to emerge as a more developed creature, and only with the final shedding does she have wings. I feel that I have metamorphosed several times this year, and with this last shedding of my skin I have realized that I now have wings! I have reached completeness, developed all that I need to fly. I will continue growing in a new way, learning to use what I have. This is exciting and scary because there is no more waiting around to be ready; I have arrived.

( important events in 2006 )

I feel like some of my metamorphoses have been inner and chosen, but the majority of them were external. My ties with this area have been severed again and again: Rebecca moved, my church wounded me and I haven't really attempted to fix it, Allison cut ties with me, my mimosa tree died, Kristen and I both changed and now we strongly differ on important issues, and Ashley broke up with me. I still love the land with all my heart -- Georgia is in my blood and always will be -- but I have no place that really feels mine since my mimosa died. Emerald is still there but the crook of her trunk is not enough space for me to take root. I feel that I am being prepared for a new way of life, perhaps a move. I welcome it with open arms! and pray that it will be near to one of the glorious friends who fill my life with light. ♥...Said The Sun to the Shine by Earthsuit...
Said the Sun to the Shine
Come shadow, what you find?
Said the Sun to the Shine
You and I forever bind

Wild Woman by Willow Arlenea

My totem animal, the dragonfly, lives as a nymph for a while, shedding her skin many times to emerge as a more developed creature, and only with the final shedding does she have wings. I feel that I have metamorphosed several times this year, and with this last shedding of my skin I have realized that I now have wings! I have reached completeness, developed all that I need to fly. I will continue growing in a new way, learning to use what I have. This is exciting and scary because there is no more waiting around to be ready; I have arrived.

( important events in 2006 )

I feel like some of my metamorphoses have been inner and chosen, but the majority of them were external. My ties with this area have been severed again and again: Rebecca moved, my church wounded me and I haven't really attempted to fix it, Allison cut ties with me, my mimosa tree died, Kristen and I both changed and now we strongly differ on important issues, and Ashley broke up with me. I still love the land with all my heart -- Georgia is in my blood and always will be -- but I have no place that really feels mine since my mimosa died. Emerald is still there but the crook of her trunk is not enough space for me to take root. I feel that I am being prepared for a new way of life, perhaps a move. I welcome it with open arms! and pray that it will be near to one of the glorious friends who fill my life with light. ♥...Said The Sun to the Shine by Earthsuit...
Said the Sun to the Shine
Come shadow, what you find?
Said the Sun to the Shine
You and I forever bind

Wild Woman by Willow Arlenea

My totem animal, the dragonfly, lives as a nymph for a while, shedding her skin many times to emerge as a more developed creature, and only with the final shedding does she have wings. I feel that I have metamorphosed several times this year, and with this last shedding of my skin I have realized that I now have wings! I have reached completeness, developed all that I need to fly. I will continue growing in a new way, learning to use what I have. This is exciting and scary because there is no more waiting around to be ready; I have arrived.

( important events in 2006 )

I feel like some of my metamorphoses have been inner and chosen, but the majority of them were external. My ties with this area have been severed again and again: Rebecca moved, my church wounded me and I haven't really attempted to fix it, Allison cut ties with me, my mimosa tree died, Kristen and I both changed and now we strongly differ on important issues, and Ashley broke up with me. I still love the land with all my heart -- Georgia is in my blood and always will be -- but I have no place that really feels mine since my mimosa died. Emerald is still there but the crook of her trunk is not enough space for me to take root. I feel that I am being prepared for a new way of life, perhaps a move. I welcome it with open arms! and pray that it will be near to one of the glorious friends who fill my life with light. ♥...Said The Sun to the Shine by Earthsuit...
Said the Sun to the Shine
Come shadow, what you find?
Said the Sun to the Shine
You and I forever bind

We broke a thousand! My comm curvygirls now has 1020 members! *crazy weird dancing*

Seriously, when I think about the impact this community is having, I'm blown away. Creating it, I thought it would end up being just a group of people like myself who like curvy women. Instead it has become a movement; girls come in with no self esteem and learn their own beauty through seeing beauty in others, slender-curvy to zaftig-curvy. People post so often about how their lives have been changed that it's become commonplace to me, and I don't realize just how astonishing that is until I step back and think about it. All I can credit to myself is having the passion to form the community and the graks to keep it focused -- the reason the community is such a huge force for positivity is because people are coming in with the desire to grow and learn love. All they want is relief from self-hate, and what they find is acceptance, care, admiration, friendship. Reading the comments in the community is so encouraging, because they are so consistently wonderful. It's wonderful because the women are wonderful. And it makes me want to cry with joy because all it takes is giving someone the chance to be supportive and caring, and they will take that chance! At core we all want to love each other, we're just too scared of rejection to do it, and if we find an environment where it's the culture to care and show admiration, we will.

It takes spending time with someone who's of 'normal' cosmo-culture to realize that curvygirls is a revolution, a quiet but continuously-building force of change. And we all go out and influence others, in tiny or major ways. And yeah, the comm is about body-love, but it goes so much deeper than that. It's about learning to love ourselves for being OURSELVES, rather than rating ourselves and everyone else according to how we match some tyrannical unhealthy standard set by greedy fucks who want to beat us down and charge us for it. The body is just a symbol of the self, it is our SELVES and each other's selves that we are learning to love.

Viva La Curvylution!!!

We broke a thousand! My comm curvygirls now has 1020 members! *crazy weird dancing*

Seriously, when I think about the impact this community is having, I'm blown away. Creating it, I thought it would end up being just a group of people like myself who like curvy women. Instead it has become a movement; girls come in with no self esteem and learn their own beauty through seeing beauty in others, slender-curvy to zaftig-curvy. People post so often about how their lives have been changed that it's become commonplace to me, and I don't realize just how astonishing that is until I step back and think about it. All I can credit to myself is having the passion to form the community and the graks to keep it focused -- the reason the community is such a huge force for positivity is because people are coming in with the desire to grow and learn love. All they want is relief from self-hate, and what they find is acceptance, care, admiration, friendship. Reading the comments in the community is so encouraging, because they are so consistently wonderful. It's wonderful because the women are wonderful. And it makes me want to cry with joy because all it takes is giving someone the chance to be supportive and caring, and they will take that chance! At core we all want to love each other, we're just too scared of rejection to do it, and if we find an environment where it's the culture to care and show admiration, we will.

It takes spending time with someone who's of 'normal' cosmo-culture to realize that curvygirls is a revolution, a quiet but continuously-building force of change. And we all go out and influence others, in tiny or major ways. And yeah, the comm is about body-love, but it goes so much deeper than that. It's about learning to love ourselves for being OURSELVES, rather than rating ourselves and everyone else according to how we match some tyrannical unhealthy standard set by greedy fucks who want to beat us down and charge us for it. The body is just a symbol of the self, it is our SELVES and each other's selves that we are learning to love.

Viva La Curvylution!!!

We broke a thousand! My comm curvygirls now has 1020 members! *crazy weird dancing*

Seriously, when I think about the impact this community is having, I'm blown away. Creating it, I thought it would end up being just a group of people like myself who like curvy women. Instead it has become a movement; girls come in with no self esteem and learn their own beauty through seeing beauty in others, slender-curvy to zaftig-curvy. People post so often about how their lives have been changed that it's become commonplace to me, and I don't realize just how astonishing that is until I step back and think about it. All I can credit to myself is having the passion to form the community and the graks to keep it focused -- the reason the community is such a huge force for positivity is because people are coming in with the desire to grow and learn love. All they want is relief from self-hate, and what they find is acceptance, care, admiration, friendship. Reading the comments in the community is so encouraging, because they are so consistently wonderful. It's wonderful because the women are wonderful. And it makes me want to cry with joy because all it takes is giving someone the chance to be supportive and caring, and they will take that chance! At core we all want to love each other, we're just too scared of rejection to do it, and if we find an environment where it's the culture to care and show admiration, we will.

It takes spending time with someone who's of 'normal' cosmo-culture to realize that curvygirls is a revolution, a quiet but continuously-building force of change. And we all go out and influence others, in tiny or major ways. And yeah, the comm is about body-love, but it goes so much deeper than that. It's about learning to love ourselves for being OURSELVES, rather than rating ourselves and everyone else according to how we match some tyrannical unhealthy standard set by greedy fucks who want to beat us down and charge us for it. The body is just a symbol of the self, it is our SELVES and each other's selves that we are learning to love.

Viva La Curvylution!!!

of interest to curvy girls, potterfans, and those who love either/both.

( Rowling slams 'emaciated' models (possibly triggering to those recovering from EDs) )

of interest to curvy girls, potterfans, and those who love either/both.

( Rowling slams 'emaciated' models (possibly triggering to those recovering from EDs) )

of interest to curvy girls, potterfans, and those who love either/both.

( Rowling slams 'emaciated' models (possibly triggering to those recovering from EDs) )

Two of my friends recently got soooooo excited over finding an actress/writer on myspace who is a major inspiration to both of them, and I sorta shook my head and grinned, like "aww, how cute." And then barely a day later I do the exact same thing. (well, not exact same, it would have to be Adrienne or Angelina for that, but nonetheless...)

IVORY MAY HAS A MYSPACE!!! omfg. I love the internet age. *draws hearts around it* And in honor of the myspace-ing of one of myyyyyyy favorite celebrities, a PHOTOPOST!!!! (I will cross-post it to curvygirls later after I dis/approve the two posts in the queue)

( not dial-up-safe and possibly not work safe, but no nudity )

EDIT: OMG she's so nice! I sent her a message saying how I admired her and such, and she wrote a sweet thank you and added me -- eek! *feels star-struck*

EDIT2: most of these images were taken (and reuploaded because I am no bandwidth thief!) from http://www.monifc.com/ -- a very expensive but fabulous clothier. The last four are from http://www.hipsandcurves.com -- much more reasonably priced.

Two of my friends recently got soooooo excited over finding an actress/writer on myspace who is a major inspiration to both of them, and I sorta shook my head and grinned, like "aww, how cute." And then barely a day later I do the exact same thing. (well, not exact same, it would have to be Adrienne or Angelina for that, but nonetheless...)

IVORY MAY HAS A MYSPACE!!! omfg. I love the internet age. *draws hearts around it* And in honor of the myspace-ing of one of myyyyyyy favorite celebrities, a PHOTOPOST!!!! (I will cross-post it to curvygirls later after I dis/approve the two posts in the queue)

( not dial-up-safe and possibly not work safe, but no nudity )

EDIT: OMG she's so nice! I sent her a message saying how I admired her and such, and she wrote a sweet thank you and added me -- eek! *feels star-struck*

EDIT2: most of these images were taken (and reuploaded because I am no bandwidth thief!) from http://www.monifc.com/ -- a very expensive but fabulous clothier. The last four are from http://www.hipsandcurves.com -- much more reasonably priced.

Two of my friends recently got soooooo excited over finding an actress/writer on myspace who is a major inspiration to both of them, and I sorta shook my head and grinned, like "aww, how cute." And then barely a day later I do the exact same thing. (well, not exact same, it would have to be Adrienne or Angelina for that, but nonetheless...)

IVORY MAY HAS A MYSPACE!!! omfg. I love the internet age. *draws hearts around it* And in honor of the myspace-ing of one of myyyyyyy favorite celebrities, a PHOTOPOST!!!! (I will cross-post it to curvygirls later after I dis/approve the two posts in the queue)

( not dial-up-safe and possibly not work safe, but no nudity )

EDIT: OMG she's so nice! I sent her a message saying how I admired her and such, and she wrote a sweet thank you and added me -- eek! *feels star-struck*

EDIT2: most of these images were taken (and reuploaded because I am no bandwidth thief!) from http://www.monifc.com/ -- a very expensive but fabulous clothier. The last four are from http://www.hipsandcurves.com -- much more reasonably priced.

I had the bestest day! I got my Supreme Beings of Leisure CD in the mail, AND a beautiful postcard from bluebl00d AND a long letter from boobiequeen!!! Oh that so made my day. ;-) I have the best friends! I can't wait to get enough postcards to actually start my collage. And usually I'm an anticipation person, but I really loved being surprised by Danielle's mail. Thank you Danielle and Vee!

I haven't been very active in my journal the past couple of days because we've had some Drama going on in my community, curvygirls. One member posted a very open, honest expression of how she felt -- that all of the photos of the small curvy girls in the community made her feel uncomfortable. So everyone responded to that, both affirmatively and in disagreement.

Then I posted this, describing my intent for the community.

My intent was that this community be for sizes 7-12 (though I never wrote that down) -- but that intent changed. As people joined and posted their photos and stories, I began to realize that healthy curviness also comes in larger and smaller sizes. My perception of healthy curvy beauty shifted. Yes, I'll admit, seeing images of girls who were thinner than me at first made me very uncomfortable, and I wanted to gently shoo them out -- but I didn't, and instead tried to change my perception. I forced myself to see their healthy (though sometimes very subtle) curves, and as I did, I found myself growing more confident in my own curves. I now believe that it is impossible to truly accept yourself as beautiful until you can see beauty in those who are different from you. Then, and only then, can you love the fact that we are all different and you are unique. And it wasn't just the thinner ones that changed my views -- I began to be able to see those who were heavier than me as beautiful too, which was an amazing breakthrough. Since I had always condemned my own supposedly 'unneccessary' curves, I condemned others too -- and as I accepted others I was more able to accept myself.

This community is for all healthy curvy girls, and for those who wish to become healthy. This means that if you are unhealthily underweight or obese to the point where it seriously inhibits health and mobility, as long as you are (however slowly) heading in the direction of healthy curviness, you are wonderfully welcome here. We happily include those who are naturally smaller or larger.

I hope it was enough to convince those who were uncomfortable with the smaller girls to stay.

and then another member decided to post something that I never got to read, because she edited it to say, "nevermind, this isn't changing anything, just causing pointless debate." Judging by the comments from people who had read it, she was commenting ostensibly on 'health' but displayed some serious judgmentalism -- health is not measured by weight, as she ought to know from having read the medical/health articles posted in the community. I had already been irritated with her attitude (she never commented except to say something negative, and seemed very elitist -- go figure) so I was tempted to ban her -- fortunately, she made the decision for me and left. Good riddance, I say. We don't need that kind of behavior, and until she grows up some, she's only bringing negativity.

I really love this community. I've never seen any group of people who are so willing to compromise, to learn and understand and accept others as they are. They respond to negativity by pouring out postitivity; such an amazing beautiful thing. And they're all so gorgeous! Seriously, I wish I could post some photos here to show you. They're stunning.

I had the bestest day! I got my Supreme Beings of Leisure CD in the mail, AND a beautiful postcard from bluebl00d AND a long letter from boobiequeen!!! Oh that so made my day. ;-) I have the best friends! I can't wait to get enough postcards to actually start my collage. And usually I'm an anticipation person, but I really loved being surprised by Danielle's mail. Thank you Danielle and Vee!

I haven't been very active in my journal the past couple of days because we've had some Drama going on in my community, curvygirls. One member posted a very open, honest expression of how she felt -- that all of the photos of the small curvy girls in the community made her feel uncomfortable. So everyone responded to that, both affirmatively and in disagreement.

Then I posted this, describing my intent for the community.

My intent was that this community be for sizes 7-12 (though I never wrote that down) -- but that intent changed. As people joined and posted their photos and stories, I began to realize that healthy curviness also comes in larger and smaller sizes. My perception of healthy curvy beauty shifted. Yes, I'll admit, seeing images of girls who were thinner than me at first made me very uncomfortable, and I wanted to gently shoo them out -- but I didn't, and instead tried to change my perception. I forced myself to see their healthy (though sometimes very subtle) curves, and as I did, I found myself growing more confident in my own curves. I now believe that it is impossible to truly accept yourself as beautiful until you can see beauty in those who are different from you. Then, and only then, can you love the fact that we are all different and you are unique. And it wasn't just the thinner ones that changed my views -- I began to be able to see those who were heavier than me as beautiful too, which was an amazing breakthrough. Since I had always condemned my own supposedly 'unneccessary' curves, I condemned others too -- and as I accepted others I was more able to accept myself.

This community is for all healthy curvy girls, and for those who wish to become healthy. This means that if you are unhealthily underweight or obese to the point where it seriously inhibits health and mobility, as long as you are (however slowly) heading in the direction of healthy curviness, you are wonderfully welcome here. We happily include those who are naturally smaller or larger.

I hope it was enough to convince those who were uncomfortable with the smaller girls to stay.

and then another member decided to post something that I never got to read, because she edited it to say, "nevermind, this isn't changing anything, just causing pointless debate." Judging by the comments from people who had read it, she was commenting ostensibly on 'health' but displayed some serious judgmentalism -- health is not measured by weight, as she ought to know from having read the medical/health articles posted in the community. I had already been irritated with her attitude (she never commented except to say something negative, and seemed very elitist -- go figure) so I was tempted to ban her -- fortunately, she made the decision for me and left. Good riddance, I say. We don't need that kind of behavior, and until she grows up some, she's only bringing negativity.

I really love this community. I've never seen any group of people who are so willing to compromise, to learn and understand and accept others as they are. They respond to negativity by pouring out postitivity; such an amazing beautiful thing. And they're all so gorgeous! Seriously, I wish I could post some photos here to show you. They're stunning.

I had the bestest day! I got my Supreme Beings of Leisure CD in the mail, AND a beautiful postcard from bluebl00d AND a long letter from boobiequeen!!! Oh that so made my day. ;-) I have the best friends! I can't wait to get enough postcards to actually start my collage. And usually I'm an anticipation person, but I really loved being surprised by Danielle's mail. Thank you Danielle and Vee!

I haven't been very active in my journal the past couple of days because we've had some Drama going on in my community, curvygirls. One member posted a very open, honest expression of how she felt -- that all of the photos of the small curvy girls in the community made her feel uncomfortable. So everyone responded to that, both affirmatively and in disagreement.

Then I posted this, describing my intent for the community.

My intent was that this community be for sizes 7-12 (though I never wrote that down) -- but that intent changed. As people joined and posted their photos and stories, I began to realize that healthy curviness also comes in larger and smaller sizes. My perception of healthy curvy beauty shifted. Yes, I'll admit, seeing images of girls who were thinner than me at first made me very uncomfortable, and I wanted to gently shoo them out -- but I didn't, and instead tried to change my perception. I forced myself to see their healthy (though sometimes very subtle) curves, and as I did, I found myself growing more confident in my own curves. I now believe that it is impossible to truly accept yourself as beautiful until you can see beauty in those who are different from you. Then, and only then, can you love the fact that we are all different and you are unique. And it wasn't just the thinner ones that changed my views -- I began to be able to see those who were heavier than me as beautiful too, which was an amazing breakthrough. Since I had always condemned my own supposedly 'unneccessary' curves, I condemned others too -- and as I accepted others I was more able to accept myself.

This community is for all healthy curvy girls, and for those who wish to become healthy. This means that if you are unhealthily underweight or obese to the point where it seriously inhibits health and mobility, as long as you are (however slowly) heading in the direction of healthy curviness, you are wonderfully welcome here. We happily include those who are naturally smaller or larger.

I hope it was enough to convince those who were uncomfortable with the smaller girls to stay.

and then another member decided to post something that I never got to read, because she edited it to say, "nevermind, this isn't changing anything, just causing pointless debate." Judging by the comments from people who had read it, she was commenting ostensibly on 'health' but displayed some serious judgmentalism -- health is not measured by weight, as she ought to know from having read the medical/health articles posted in the community. I had already been irritated with her attitude (she never commented except to say something negative, and seemed very elitist -- go figure) so I was tempted to ban her -- fortunately, she made the decision for me and left. Good riddance, I say. We don't need that kind of behavior, and until she grows up some, she's only bringing negativity.

I really love this community. I've never seen any group of people who are so willing to compromise, to learn and understand and accept others as they are. They respond to negativity by pouring out postitivity; such an amazing beautiful thing. And they're all so gorgeous! Seriously, I wish I could post some photos here to show you. They're stunning.

Eve, 'Kenzie, and Danielle, I need your snailmail address! (unless you aren't comfortable with that, of course) And wandrlost, you ROCK for going through and taking all of my favorite polls. ;-)

A little story I commented to someone that I didn't want to forget (from when I was a cashier at Walmart):

I hate seeing perfectly healthy curvy women buying slim-fast and fashion magazines. One time a curvy girl came in my line, and she had one of the loveliest bodies I've ever seen, yet she was buying some diet pills. I couldn't help myself, I asked her, "You aren't trying to lose weight, are you?" She laughed a little self-consciously and said, "yes, always... why do you ask?" and I said, "because you look gorgeous the way you are! You certainly don't need to lose any weight." She shyly said thanks. Then the two guys she was with came over and I gave her the receipt and they left... and I was a little worried that she might think I was hitting on her, but DAMN I can't STAND the idea of her thinking she was anything less than beautiful. Afterward I was glad I did. I hope it made a difference to her.

P.S. like the new icon? That's a professional bellydancer's belly.

Eve, 'Kenzie, and Danielle, I need your snailmail address! (unless you aren't comfortable with that, of course) And wandrlost, you ROCK for going through and taking all of my favorite polls. ;-)

A little story I commented to someone that I didn't want to forget (from when I was a cashier at Walmart):

I hate seeing perfectly healthy curvy women buying slim-fast and fashion magazines. One time a curvy girl came in my line, and she had one of the loveliest bodies I've ever seen, yet she was buying some diet pills. I couldn't help myself, I asked her, "You aren't trying to lose weight, are you?" She laughed a little self-consciously and said, "yes, always... why do you ask?" and I said, "because you look gorgeous the way you are! You certainly don't need to lose any weight." She shyly said thanks. Then the two guys she was with came over and I gave her the receipt and they left... and I was a little worried that she might think I was hitting on her, but DAMN I can't STAND the idea of her thinking she was anything less than beautiful. Afterward I was glad I did. I hope it made a difference to her.

P.S. like the new icon? That's a professional bellydancer's belly.

Eve, 'Kenzie, and Danielle, I need your snailmail address! (unless you aren't comfortable with that, of course) And wandrlost, you ROCK for going through and taking all of my favorite polls. ;-)

A little story I commented to someone that I didn't want to forget (from when I was a cashier at Walmart):

I hate seeing perfectly healthy curvy women buying slim-fast and fashion magazines. One time a curvy girl came in my line, and she had one of the loveliest bodies I've ever seen, yet she was buying some diet pills. I couldn't help myself, I asked her, "You aren't trying to lose weight, are you?" She laughed a little self-consciously and said, "yes, always... why do you ask?" and I said, "because you look gorgeous the way you are! You certainly don't need to lose any weight." She shyly said thanks. Then the two guys she was with came over and I gave her the receipt and they left... and I was a little worried that she might think I was hitting on her, but DAMN I can't STAND the idea of her thinking she was anything less than beautiful. Afterward I was glad I did. I hope it made a difference to her.

P.S. like the new icon? That's a professional bellydancer's belly.